


"All I've Ever Wanted is You"

by kesmith



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Christmas Holiday fic, Dependency Issues, Depression, F/M, Hurt and comfort, Kid Fic, M/M, More angst, Non Graphic, Oblivious Merlin, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Multiple, Past Child Abuse, Past Original Character Death-Mention of Suicide, Pining Arthur, Romance, Some angst, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-04
Updated: 2014-04-03
Packaged: 2018-01-03 10:02:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 36
Words: 399,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1069163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kesmith/pseuds/kesmith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin wonders why it's so hard for him to find <i>'the one'<i> while everyone else is happy. Arthur wonders if Merlin will ever get a clue.</i></i></p><p>  <i><br/><i>Or the one where Arthur has been pining for Merlin for years and Merlin is too oblivious to see it.</i></i><br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This started as my contribution to the Christmas holiday stories out there. It's also managed to go beyond that, but in a good way. It has been on my mind while I am supposed to be working on my other story so I decided to put it into words. This story is unbeta'd and any mistakes are mine to claim. 
> 
> As always, I'm a Merlin fan but I don't own a single thing. Not the characters and not the BBC.

 

Aithusa's Place

 

“Can you believe that it's Christmas time again? It feels like we just celebrated it yesterday.” Gwen stated eagerly.

 

“I know, I'm smelling the spiced egg nog already and I'm ready for the Christmas dinner.” Lance squeezed her hand in agreement.

 

“We just had Thanksgiving Dinner a few days ago.” Arthur chided.

 

“There's always time and room for more food.” Percival cut in while drinking his beer and making a grab for some chips.

 

Gwaine looked at the mugs around their table at the pub and called that he was getting the next round.

 

“How are we going to do presents this year guys?” Freya asked.

 

“I was thinking that we could do a secret Santa where we could exchange gifts.” Mithian said excitedly. “We're doing it at the hospital and I thought that it would be a good idea to do with us if we all agreed.”

 

Morgana looked thoughtful, “It would be a first for us and easier to shop for everyone.”

 

“I never thought you would look for the easy way out for shopping sis.” Arthur smiled.

 

“Oh hush, I wasn't thinking of me but of the rest of you lazy arses who don't like to shop or have time to. It might just work Mithian.” Morgana smiled back at Arthur before nodding in Mithian's direction.

 

“Well, who's missing? We need everyone present to call it for a vote.” Gwen asked.

 

Gwaine arrived at that moment passing out the drinks. “Merlin is the only one missing. He's probably out on another date.”

 

“Who's he dating this time?” Leon asked, looking to Arthur.

 

“Hell if I know.” Arthur responded.

 

“You live with him.” Elyan commented. “How could you not know?”

 

“He changes blokes like he changes his underwear, I have no idea who he's dating or who's coming or going out of our flat unless Merlin introduces us. And even then it's makes no sense to remember their names.” Arthur commented dryly, almost bitterly, and turned to his drink trying not to notice the eyes of those who were turned on him.

 

“Well, speak of the devil...” Vivian said, while nodding her head and looking towards the doorway.

 

Everyone watched a disheveled Merlin walk in and towards their table. Normal bright eyes dimmed and shoulders slumped as he seated himself beside Arthur.

 

“What happened?” Elena asked. “You look like your puppy died.”

 

“He doesn't have a puppy Elena.” Mithian commented while taking a drink of her beer.

 

“It's a figure of speech.” Elena responded. “But seriously, what happened lovely?”

 

“Henry and I broke up.” Merlin responded and placed his head on the table.

 

“Henry. I thought you dated him a while back. What happened to Matthew?” Morgana asked.

 

“Matthew is old news. I've been dating Henry for the past few weeks.” Merlin responded sourly. Gwaine gave Merlin his drink before going to the bar to get some more. “Thanks Gwaine.” Merlin said gratefully before continuing. “Henry didn't think I was taking our relationship seriously.”

 

“Well how could you. You just started dating.” Morgana responded.

 

“Not helping Morgana.” Merlin snapped.

 

“Merlin, you can't deny that you've been through a lot of relationships this year -” Gwen stated.

 

“And the year before last -” Elyan added.

 

“And the years before that -” Freya added.

 

“And that you haven't been satisfied with any of them -” Lance added.

 

“Not for long-term -” Elena added.

 

“And that this has been happening for years -” Leon added.

 

“And no one has measured up -” Mithian added.

 

“And it's always at Christmas time when you think about it and go into this funk.” Vivian finished.

“Is it so much that I want to find the one and to be happy?” Merlin asked.

 

“Maybe if you weren't so blind you would have found Mr. Right already.” Morgana muttered and Arthur's eyes widened in horror at her.

 

“What was that?” Merlin asked looking straight at Morgana.

 

Gwaine interjected. “She said maybe if you pay close attention you may find that he is closer to your reach than you think.” Gwaine went in for the save while looking at his wife. Morgana only shrugged in response. She meant what she said. Gwaine knew this and could only roll his eyes.

 

“I do pay attention. There is no one within my reach that is the one for me.” Merlin responded sharply.

 

And Arthur just wanted to die at that moment. He wanted the ground to open up and swallow him whole because his heart broke a little bit more. He didn't know that it could be broken anymore. He jumped up out of his seat. “Excuse me, I have to go to the loo.” And he was gone in two seconds flat. Leon, Gwaine, Lance, and Morgana were all in the process of standing at the same time to follow him but it was Gwaine that did the honors instead.

 

“What's the matter with Arthur? Is he sick?” Merlin asked concerned. He missed the looks that he received when he asked that question.

 

“He's fine. I think he ate something that disagreed with him. Gwaine's checking on him now.” Morgana responded.

 

“I just want to find the one for me. The one to spend my holidays with. To sit beside the fire, to drink egg nog, and to watch the holiday movies on the telly. I want to find my other half. I'm tired of always dating and coming back empty.” Merlin whined while drinking his drink in one go. Elyan gave him his and went to the bar for another one adding that he would get the next round.

 

“Merlin, have you ever considered that you are looking at the wrong people?” Gwen asked carefully. “You never thought about anyone that you already know?”

 

Merlin ran a hand through his hair and rubbed his chin in thought. “Well...” And everyone leaned towards the table to hear. “There's Bradley at work.” And everyone sat back in their seats. “He's been trying to ask me out at the hospital for months now. You've seen him, right Mithian?”

 

“Yes, _Mithian sighed heavily_ , I've seen him. But is there anyone else who is... oh, I don't know, _gay_ and available that you might know?” And everyone at the table nodded in agreement to Mithian's question like she gave the right question for an answer on Jeopardy.

 

Merlin looked like he was in thought before responding, “No, _with a shake of his head,_ not that I know of.” And Morgana wanted to drop her head on the table. It was only her dignity as a Pendragon that stopped her.

 

 ***

 

Arthur was looking at his reflection in the bathroom mirror wondering what has become of his life. He doesn't know how it got this bad. How he _let it_ get this bad. He's been in love with his best friend for the past seven years but has never told him. Hell, if Arthur was honest with himself he loved Merlin even before that. Every time he's thought about it Merlin was in a relationship with some other bloke that was most certainly - not him. He doesn't know why he offered his flat out to Merlin for them to be flat mates. Because nothing is worse than hearing Merlin have sex with someone else. Or watching him fresh out of the shower with his hair tousled and his towel draped around his narrow hips just waiting to slide down. Nothing is worse than watching the water slide down Merlin's body and wishing that he could lick every drop of it from Merlin's skin. Well something is worse. Listening to Merlin having sex with some other man that is most certainly – not him. Merlin is extremely loud in the sack. He'd think about asking Merlin to move out if he wasn't so afraid of losing his friendship with him. It was all that Arthur had left. But now he couldn't help but wonder if separation would help help the big hole that lodged in his heart. Because that was exactly what it felt like, a big hole.

 

“Is everything alright mate?” Gwaine asked from behind Arthur. Arthur was too numb to be startled but was shocked that he didn't notice Gwaine entering the loo. Who knows how long he was standing there.

 

“No.” Was Arthur's only response. Arthur couldn't lie to Gwaine. They were friends for as long as Arthur could remember along with Leon and Lance. Merlin and Will came around next, then Gwen, Elyan, and Elena. The rest of the gang came during their first year of uni and the group has been as close as any family could be. No, there was little that Gwaine did not know and Gwaine was with him when he had a drunken meltdown the first time and spilled his guts talking about unrequited love and Merlin. Come to mention it, so was the rest of the gang. Merlin was the only one missing that night. He was on a date.

 

“You know, there's a way to put yourself out of this misery.” Gwaine stated gently.

 

“What kill myself? Can't say I haven't thought of that one.” Arthur responded quietly.

 

“That's nothing to joke about.” Gwaine responded while watching Arthur carefully.

 

“Who said I was joking?”

 

“Do I need to get your sister?” Gwaine asked. He wasn't afraid to call in reinforcements if he felt he was up against a battle that he couldn't win. Pride had no place in that.

 

“For what. There's nothing any of you can do. You don't have to worry Gwaine. I said I _thought_ of it. I didn't say that I _tried_ anything or that I would. Because I won't.” Arthur said looking at Gwaine in the mirror giving eye contact along with the honesty of his words.

 

“See that you don't.” Gwaine responded seriously. Arthur was the closest thing to a brother for Gwaine, and then he married Morgana and they became family anyway. It was a win win where Gwaine was concerned and he told Arthur so the moment he and Morgana exchanged their vows and he kissed his bride. “But Arthur, you could tell him.”

 

“Why would I do that, you heard him. There's no one he knows that's the one for him. He _knows_ me. That tells me that he doesn't _want_ me. That he doesn't think of me in that way. Why would I tell him for him to laugh in my face or to tell me that he doesn't love me back. I've had enough embarrassing moments to add that to the list.” Arthur was nearly shouting before he got to the end of his tirade. He ran a hand through his hair and tugged before going to the sink and putting some water on his face. He dried his hands and face on a towel before turning back to Gwaine. “He doesn't want me.” Arthur finished before heading out of the loo. He did not go back to the table, instead he grabbed his jacket off the hook and left into the night.

 

Gwaine walked back to the table but Morgana was already getting up. “What happened?” She asked urgently.

 

“He needed to clear his head.” Gwaine responded in answer to Morgana's question but Gwaine's wounded expression under his tough one told Morgana all that she needed to know.

 

“Do you need me to go and check on him?” Merlin asked. “I can make sure that he's alright.”

 

“No, Merlin, you should enjoy yourself. I'll take care of my brother. You need to find out what we talked about regarding gift exchanging this year.” Morgana answered smoothly before giving Gwaine a kiss, telling him that she would see him at home, and waving good-bye to the rest of the gang. She was gone in a flash, nothing but the sound of four inch heels in her wake. Gwaine's eyes followed her until she went out the door.

 

“You look at her the same way that you did when you first got together.” Vivian commented with a smile.

 

“Can you blame me. It took me years to wear her down and now that I have her I am going to relish every moment of it.” Gwaine said with a wink. The women awed at the table.

 

“But you had all of those other women before her.” Vivian commented again.

 

“Those other women were child's play when it comes to Morgana. I knew that and I knew that the minute she would have me would be the minute that I would settle down and I was right. Never looked back since.” Gwaine responded while taking a swig of his drink.” The women awed again.

 

“Better watch out Lance,” Leon stated, “You may have some competition on who shows the most affection.”

 

“No competition. There's no competing on how much you love the one your with.” Lance responded quickly before giving Gwen a kiss on her forehead.

 

“Get a room.” Elyan said disgustingly.

 

“We've already got one, yours.” Gwen said in retaliation.

 

“And the rest of you lot are one to talk. Percy and Freya, Leon and Elena, Elyan and Vivian, and if Will and Sophia were here they would be just as bad.” Lance stated with in a _'you know that I'm right'_ matter-of-fact tone.

 

“Yeah, I need to get a move on it too if I want to have a children before I reach the age of thirty.” Mithian stated. “Half of you are already ahead of me.

 

Gwen and Lance have two children. Geraint was four and Galahad two. Gwaine and Morgana had their daughter Autumn who just celebrated her third birthday. Will and Sophia's daughter Aries, the oldest of the lot of children, was six. Percy and Freya had Lucan one year ago, and Vivian was six months pregnant with Elyan's child. Mithian was more than right.

 

“Has anyone noticed that something has been off with Arthur lately?” Merlin asked. Vivian, Freya, Gwen, and Mithian rolled their eyes discreetly.

 

“No more off than normal.” Was Leon's response.

 

“Still, I'm worried about him.” Merlin responded.

 

“You could always ask him, Merlin.” Lance commented.

 

“Don't you think I have? I asked and he keeps telling me that he's fine or that he's busy at work, but I know something is off.” Merlin responded.

 

“Well, maybe you should think about what could be getting Arthur down.” Gwaine added slyly while drinking down his beer. If it weren't for Arthur making them all swear to secrecy Gwaine would have been the first to tell Merlin. Gwaine could only curse himself for agreeing. “I'm going for some whiskey. Anyone else wants some?” Five hands went up. “I guessed as much.” Gwaine muttered to himself before going back to the bar.

 

 ***

 

Arthur wasn't in his flat for five minutes before he heard knocking at his door.

 

“Arthur, Arthur open the door.” Morgana called out while she continued her knocking.

 

Arthur figured if he stayed completely still there was still a chance that Morgana would think that he wasn't home.

 

“Arthur, I can hear you breathing in there. Open this door now or I will be forced to use my key!” Morgana called out, this time more loudly.

 

And damn. Because Arthur always forgot that he gave Morgana a key for emergencies. He sighed and walked over to the door.

 

“Morgana, do come in why don't you.” Arthur stated and with a flair for the dramatic did a hand sweeping gesture to welcome her in like royalty. Morgana paid him no mind and walked in.

 

“Arthur what are you doing?” Morgana asked quietly while taking off her jacket, scarf, and gloves.

 

“I thought it was clear.” Arthur responded knowing where this was going and attempting to avoid it. “I just got home and I'm getting ready to-”

 

“That's not what I meant and you know it.” Morgana snapped. “Why are continuing to do this to yourself? And for how long are you planning to. Why don't you just ask Merlin to move out?”

 

Arthur pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed heavily. “You know why I haven't-”

 

“That was while Merlin was in med school. He is a full fledged doctor now and can afford to live in his own flat. Why do you keep torturing yourself?”

 

“I don't want him to go and be left with nothing, alright.” Arthur shouted in response while running a hand through his hair. “What if he moves out and finds someone else?”

 

“Someone else?” Morgana was at a loss. “Someone else would require that Merlin was yours to begin with Arthur.” She raised her hands in the air as a plea before continuing. “Now hear me out. You know what I mean and you know that I am not trying to hurt you but you know this already Arthur. Either you need to tell Merlin how you feel or you need to let him go but you can't keep doing this to yourself, it's not healthy, and don't even think that I haven't notice that you've lost weight.”

 

Arthur closed his eyes tight. He turned away with his back to Morgana clinching the back of his sofa hard. He knew that she was right but was trying very hard not to admit these truths to himself. He'd been hiding those truths from himself for far too long.

 

Morgana sighed, walked closer to Arthur and wrapped her arms around him from behind. Arthur felt warmth in the gesture and raised his hands to meet those circled around him. “Just promise me that you will think about it, yeah? Maybe even use some time over the holidays to get away. Hell, father's even worried about you. I'm sure that he would give you some time off to get away.” Morgana chuckled. “Just promise me that you will think about it?”

 

Arthur felt a single tear falling from his cheek and the same time that he responded, “I promise.”

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

“Morgana,” Gwaine yelled from the bedroom. “Could you get the door? I'm getting dressed.”

 

“I've got it,” Morgana yelled back from the kitchen while making her way down the hall and to the door. “Hold your horses, I'm coming.” She yelled at the front door while Autumn trailed behind her with her blanket and teddy bear in her hand.

 

Morgana yanked the door open to find Arthur standing there shifting from foot to foot. Autumn ran ahead of her, dropping her teddy bear, and making a leap with blind faith that Arthur would catch her. “Uncle Arthur!”

 

Arthur caught her mid-jump and pulled him into his arms.

 

“Hello beautiful!” Arthur responded while giving Autumn a kiss, swinging her around and holding her tightly. “How's my girl?”

 

“I'm doing fine.” Autumn said with a smile just as big and bright as Morgana's. “We're about to decorate the Christmas tree-”

 

“Oh no. _Daddy and I_ are about to decorate the Christmas tree.” Morgana cut in while looking at her raven haired little girl. “You were going to put the angel on the tree in the morning because it's bed time.”

 

“But mommy, it's uncle Arthur.” _Like that meant everything in the world._ “Can't I stay awake a little while longer, pleeeaase?” Autumn said while making a sad and pleading face both at the time like only Autumn could. Autumn was a cross between Gwaine and Morgana through and through. She had Morgana's eyes, nose, and smile, Gwaine's complexion, and a combination of their hair with Morgana's length. She was gorgeous with Gwaine's charms and Morgana's sass. And there was _no one_ who could resist her when she started the pleading, not even Morgana.

 

Morgana sighed.

 

“Fine, you can stay up to decorate the tree. But just to decorate the tree!”

 

“Can uncle Arthur help me put the angel on top of the tree?”

 

Gwaine walked out of his bedroom at the same time to respond, “Sure thing sweetheart.”

 

“And can uncle Arthur read me my bedtime story and tuck me in?”

 

“Anything for you beautiful.” Arthur responded while running a hand through Autumn's hair.

 

“Yay!” Autumn responded with a big bright smile.

 

“You're creating a monster little brother.” Morgana chided.

 

“Can't an uncle come and visit?” Arthur questions with a smile.

 

“That depends on if that's the reason for the visit.” Gwaine responds with a raised brow.

 

“Later,” was Arthur's response.

 

“She misses you you know.” Morgana said to Arthur.

 

“I miss her too.” Arthur responded while walking over to the Christmas tree with Autumn.

 

“Then maybe you should come by more often.” Gwaine comments.

 

 

Morgana came out of the kitchen with hot chocolates for all while Gwaine, Arthur, and Autumn started on the Christmas tree. Traditionally, being raised in the home of Pendragon, Christmas trees were huge, with gold or silver trimming with white lights. It looked sterile in comparison to what they were doing now. Having a three year old and Gwaine has changed Morgana's way of doing things, a lot. They stand now with a six foot tree decorated with red garland, multi-colored ornaments, figurines that Autumn made herself, and multi-colored lights. And as Autumn requested, Arthur helped her put the angel on the tree top. By the time they were finished Autumn was beginning to fall asleep in Arthur's lap while he was drinking his hot chocolate.

 

“Now I think it's time for all little girls to say night night.” Morgana said.

 

“My bedtime story!” Autumn said, awake instantly. “Uncle Arthur, would you please read to me?”

 

“Sure thing beautiful.”

 

“Can we play horsey on the way to my room?”

 

“Sure thing, hop on.” Arthur lowered himself enough for Autumn to climb on his back and she yelled “Ride em cowboy,” As they went to her bedroom.

 

 ***

 

Arthur finished reading the Berenstein Bears to Autumn and tucked her in for the night.

 

“Kisses uncle Arthur.” Autumn reminded Arthur before he leaned down and gave her four kisses. One on each brow, her nose, and her lips.

 

“Good night beautiful.”

 

“Good night uncle Arthur. I love you.”

 

“Love you too beautiful.” Arthur responded with a tender smile as he tousled Autumn's hair.

 

Autumn raised up on her elbows. “Uncle Arthur, will you be coming by again soon. I've missed you.”

 

“It's only been a few weeks.”

 

Autumn huffed, arms folded at her chest, “It's been a few weeks too long. We haven't had a proper tea in ages.” Autumn said, referring to her play tea party that Arthur would have attended if he had arrived during the day.

 

“Then I will be back soon, yeah?”

 

“Pinky swear?” Autumn said while bringing her pinky to have Arthur swear.

 

“Pinky swear it is.” Arthur responded by joining his pinky with hers. “Now sleep.”

 

“Goodnight.”

 

“Goodnight beautiful.”

 

Arthur got up and turned to see Morgana waiting for him by the door with a fond smile on her face.

 

“You know, you are going to make a wonderful father someday.” She said while putting her arm around Arthur shoulders and resting her head there while they walked backed to the living room.

 

“Did you know that Mithian volunteered to be a surrogate for me?” Arthur asked.

 

“Shut it. I did not know that.” Morgana said in shock. “Really?”

 

“Sure did, it was a few months back at Gwen and Lance's anniversary party. We were both drowning out our sorrows at the bottom of a whiskey bottle and when I talked about children she volunteered her services. She said if I did it before she found her Mr. Right that she would be more than happy to do it.”

 

“Well, what do you think about that?”

 

“I thought it was a good idea. But I wanted to have someone in my life first.” Arthur shrugged before continuing, “I don't want to be a single father.”

 

Morgana nodded, understanding. “Well, either way I think you would be wonderful, and you have the support of everyone if you decided to do it. With or without a life partner.”

 

“Hear hear,” Gwaine said from the hallway, apparently listening to their conversation.

 

“So...,” Gwaine started, hot chocolates removed and wine glasses in it's place passing it out in the living room, “what brought you by Princess?”

 

Arthur knew Gwaine would not forget. He sighed. “Didn't want to stay at home.”

 

“So you just left at this time of evening?” Morgana questioned. It really was getting late.

 

Arthur knew he could keep it up but Gwaine and Morgana was a fierce force when tag teaming. “Fine, Merlin had company and I didn't want to stay for the show.”

 

“So you just left?” Morgana questioned again.

 

“Merlin introduced us. _Dylan_ something or another.” Arthur said bitterly.

 

“And what excuse did you give Merlin for cutting out?” Gwaine asked.

 

“I told him that I promised to stop over here for dinner.” Arthur responded while avoiding eye contact.

 

“And he fell for that? At this time of night?” Morgana questioned.

 

“I don't think he was paying much attention to the time. He was too busy paying attention to Dylan.” Arthur responded while drinking his wine in one go and going to the bar to pour himself a refill. “I just want to hang here for a while and then I'll go home. Hopefully they'll be asleep by the time I get there.”

 

They spent the rest of the night watching movies and drinking wine. Gwaine even made popcorn. They watched Avengers, Iron Man 3, and Thor. By the time they finished it was too late for anyone to be going anywhere.

 

“Why don't you take the guest room for the night, Arthur?” Morgana said as a question. “You still have some pajamas here from the last time and we have a spare toothbrush for you and supplies stored as well in the guest bathroom.”

 

Arthur knows Morgana said this as a question but he also knows that Morgana has no intention of allowing him to go home in the middle of the night. He acquiesces, gives hugs to Gwaine and Morgana and makes his way to the guest bedroom.

 

“Do you think he's going to be alright?” Gwaine asked while watching his friend walk down the corridor.

 

Morgana watching as well responds, “I don't know, but I'm worried about him. He can't take much more of this. Everyone thinks he's so strong as for the most part he is. Father says he's doing an excellent job at work, he still spends time with all of us, but I know for a fact that he isolates himself when he goes home. He's headed for a breakdown if he doesn't find a way to deal with his feelings for Merlin. Especially if Merlin keeps bringing these blokes home to throw in his face.” Morgana said with a frown.

 

“Hey, you know Merlin isn't doing it on purpose.”

 

“That's besides the point. The point is he _is_ doing it.”

 

“He doesn't know -”

 

“And how could he not know!” Morgana screeched while turning her full glare on her husband. “How could he not see when Arthur does everything for him since oh I don't know, forever. Arthur makes him breakfast every morning when their home. He cooks him dinner when their home. He even does the man's laundry. Hell, he's even Merlin's emergency contact for crying out loud! He's more of a husband to Merlin than any of the blokes Merlin's gone out with and the only thing they aren't doing is the horizontal rumble!”

 

“The horizontal rumble? Really?” Gwaine laughs. “Where in the hell did you get that one from?”

 

“Gwen.” Morgana grins before frowning again. “But that's besides the point. The point is something has to give and give soon or I'm going to be forced to intervene whether Arthur likes it or not.”

 

“Let's hope that doesn't happen.” Gwaine says. Morgana knows that Gwaine doesn't want to intervene but she is tired, this has been going on for far too long.

 

“If Merlin wasn't so self-absorbed he would have seen this by now.”

 

“It's not as easy as you say it is Morgs and you know it. Arthur has pretty much made everything about Merlin from the moment that they met when he saved Merlin from getting a knuckle sandwich from the hands of Valiant. It's always been about Merlin to Arthur. We were never jealous of course because it's always been different and we could see the reason why but apparently for Merlin doesn't. Arthur's drunken confession at the bar last year was not a surprise at all as it was a confirmation.”

 

Morgana shook her head. “But it's so clear. Even if Arthur hasn't come right out to say it it is clear for everyone to see just as you said it. His eyes light up when Merlin's walks in a room. He gravitates to Merlin automatically like metal to a magnet and Merlin's been Arthur's plus one to any event for years now. Even if Arthur has a hard time expressing his feelings he clearly doesn't have a hard time displaying them. And for Merlin to miss it...” Morgana shook her head again before drinking almost a quarter of her wine.

 

“Merlin's probably missing it because he only sees Arthur as a friend.” Gwaine raises a brow automatically to Morgana's glare. “Now here me out. He may have never considered Arthur as a prospect. The men that Merlin chooses don't happen to be anywhere near Arthur's caliber, and Arthur _is_ his best mate. Sometimes when you around someone so much you tend to miss the obvious. Even if he notices everything else.” Gwaine replied while running a hand through his hair.

 

Morgana sighed. “Well, maybe getting away would do wonders for Arthur, I've been trying to convince Arthur to take some time off. Just to get away. I'm hoping if he does maybe he could find someone else, someone who could take his mind off of Merlin. Or at least give him a good shag to make him forget for a while.”

 

“We are talking about seven years of pining. Seven years of being in love with his best friend. Do you really think a fling is going to do it here?”

 

“I don't know.” Morgana says while running her hands through her hair and pacing. “But I'm grasping at straws here. At least the time away could do him some good. And how would Arthur know that there isn't anyone else out there if he doesn't try to actually get out there. It's like he's been saving himself for Merlin.”

 

“He _is_ saving himself for Merlin.” Gwaine said as if it was stating the obvious before continuing. “The trip might just do him some good but...” Gwaine trailed off while rubbing his low shaved beard.

 

It was Morgana's turn to raise a brow. “And just what are you thinking?”

 

“I'm thinking maybe we could help push this along somehow without getting too involved.”

 

“And how do you propose that.” Morgana said while bringing her arms around Gwaine's neck. She loved it when he began to plot.

 

“It's delicate, and I can't promise anything, but why don't we take this back to the bedroom and discuss it in more detail.” Gwaine finishes while picking Morgana up bridal style.

 

“It's always about sex with you isn't it?” Morgana laughs.

 

“Don't pretend you don't like it.” Gwaine responds while carrying Morgana into their bedroom.

 

Their talk gets postponed until the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember, reviews and kudos are like early Christmas presents!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some mention of Thor 2, the movie, that may be considered as spoilers. It will be marked if you want to skip that section. I know Merlin is looking bad at the moment, we will get some of Merlin's POV in this story. Just not yet. In the meantime I hope this chapter helps to show some of Arthur's importance to Merlin. l hope you enjoy the chapter.

Arthur woke up the next morning to see a pair of greenish-gray eyes staring back at him.

 

“Hey you.” Arthur said with a smile.

 

“Good morning, uncle Arthur.” Autumn said with a smile. “I didn't know that you were spending the night. Are you going to come with us to drop me off this morning at Auntie Gwen's?”

 

“No sweetie he isn't,” Morgana said from the doorway. “But we're going to drop uncle Arthur off at home before we go so you'll have a little while longer.”

 

“Yay! Can I see uncle Merlin too?”

 

Arthur pinched Autumn's cheek before responding, “If he's still at home you can see him too okay.”

 

“Yay!”

 

“Yay! Seems to be her favorite word.” Morgana said with a grin.

 

“Breakfast is ready!” Gwaine yelled from the kitchen.

 

It didn't take long before everyone was showered and changed and sitting across the kitchen table.

 

“Do you want us to wait too once we get there Arthur? It's not a bother, I can give you a lift to the office.” Morgana asked while digging in to the pancakes Gwaine made. Gwaine made awesome pancakes.

 

“No, that's alright, I can drive.” Arthur responded while drinking his coffee.

 

“It's no bother. I can drop you back off this evening too.”

 

“You just want to keep an eye on me.”

 

Morgana didn't respond, it was the truth.

 

“Uncle Arthur, are you coming to our Christmas play at the church? We're doing baby Jesus and I am going to be one of the three wise men.” Autumn asked.

 

“I wouldn't miss it beautiful.”

 

They finish their breakfast quickly before everyone gives hugs and kisses and start out for the day.

 

 ***

 

Arthur arrives home to see Merlin pacing back and forth in the living room.

 

“Finally,” Merlin says worriedly, “did you check your phone? I called you at least five times last night wondering where you were.”

 

“I told you that I was going to Gwaine and Morgana's before I left.” Arthur responded easily.

 

“Yes, but you didn't say that you would be spending the night. Anything could have happened to you.” Merlin responded back looking Arthur over to make sure that nothing happened to him. As if something could have happened to and from on the journey or in between.

 

“Weren't you with _Dylan_?” Arthur couldn't keep the bitterness out of his tone to save his life.

 

Merlin raised a brow before ignoring Arthur's tone and responding, “he didn't stay the night.”

 

Arthur didn't get to respond before Morgana came behind him with Autumn. All it took was one look at Merlin before Autumn was running across the floor.

 

“Uncle Merlin!”

 

Merlin immediately dropped to his knees to pull Autumn into a hug. “Hey ya precious! You are looking more and more gorgeous everyday.”

 

“I missed you uncle Merlin.”

 

“I know, I've missed you too. Uncle Merlin's been busy at work but I'll make it up to you, okay?”

 

“Will you make me a doll house for Christmas?” She was well aware of Merlin's hobby in carpentry work.

 

Merlin looked up to Arthur and Morgana - just in case they purchased one already, Morgana nodded the okay, before responding, “I will definitely build you a dollhouse for Christmas.”

 

“And will you go to my Christmas play?” Autumn was like a miniature Morgana when she wanted something.

 

Merlin could only laugh.

 

“Yes, I'll be right there with your uncle Arthur, okay luv?”

 

“Yay! It will be the best Christmas ever!”

 

Morgana laughed. “Well, now that you've gotten to see Uncle Merlin say good-bye Autumn before you manage to squeeze anything else out of him. It's time to get to Auntie Gwen's.”

 

Autumn gave Merlin another big hug and a sloppy kiss on the cheek. “Good-bye uncle Merlin.”

 

“Good-bye precious.”

 

Autumn ran back to Arthur to repeat the process of getting her hugs and kisses before Morgana scooped her up saying bye and telling Arthur that she would see him at work.

 

Merlin looked at Arthur for a moment but his face didn't read any emotions. “She's so intelligent for her age, and she's getting so big.”

 

“I know, but what do you expect, she's got Gwaine, but she's still a Pendragon. Morgana teaches her the same way that father taught us. We were always grades ahead with tutors because anything less was unacceptable. Fortunately for her she still get's to have all of the fun while she's at it too. But I agree, she is getting big, before you know it she'll be thinking about boys.” Arthur finished with a wince.

 

“Oh god, I can't imagine what it will be like for her when she does with you and Gwaine around.”

 

“Not just us, the whole lot.” Arthur chuckled.

 

Merlin chuckled too before his expression turned serious. He sighed for a moment before looking at Arthur with intent. “How are you doing?”

 

Arthur averted Merlin's eyes for a moment before answering, “I'm fine.”

 

_“Are you really?”_

 

“Why wouldn't I be?”

 

“I don't know. Something is off and I just can't place it. Something has been off for a while.”

 

“I told you that I've been busy at work.” Arthur said while walking into the kitchen to get some coffee. He knew Merlin made some already, Merlin was unable to function without his four cups in the morning. Merlin followed behind him.

 

“I know you've been busy, you've always been busy, but you've never been this distant before, at least... at least, not with me anyways.” Merlin countered.

 

Arthur took a deep breath before turning back to face Merlin. “I've just had a lot on mind lately.”

 

“You'd tell me if it was important right?” Merlin asked almost pleadingly. “You know that I'm here for you right?”

 

Arthur nodded but dropped the eye contact.

 

Merlin sighed loudly. Arthur knew that Merlin was at a loss but this time Arthur couldn't help him put the pieces together. Merlin continued, “hey, what are you doing tonight?”

 

Arthur looked back at Merlin and with a shrug responded, “I don't have any plans that I know of.”

 

“Well you do now. I know you wanted to see that new Thor movie, we're going tonight, just you and me.” Merlin said with a smile.

 

“Don't you have a date?” The question fell out of Arthur's mouth so quickly he didn't have a chance to filter it. Arthur's almost thought that he was developing Merlin's foot-in-mouth syndrome.

 

Merlin was taken aback by the question. “No, I don't have a date.”

 

“You don't have to work.” Arthur was on a roll.

 

“No, I switched shifts with Mithian. I wanted to tell you last night but you never came back home.”

 

Arthur nodded while putting his coffee together with cream and sugar.

 

“Is that a yes?” Merlin pressed.

 

“It's a date. Well, not a date date, but... you know what I mean.” Arthur stumbled.

 

“I know what you mean.” Merlin repeated, almost at a loss, sensing the tension and not understanding where it was coming from. Or what to do about it. “Do you need a lift to work?”

 

“No, I think I'll drive myself today.” Arthur said while taking his coffee and making his way to his room. He turned to look at Merlin. “I'll see you tonight.”

 

Merlin looked hopeful. “Okay, see you tonight, I'm going to head out now.”

 

“Okay.” Arthur responded back while going into his room and closing the door and leaning on the other side of it. “It's hurting more and more every day.” Arthur whispered to himself.

 

Merlin looked at Arthur's room door at the end of the corridor for a long time before heading out.

 

 ***

 

*Beginning of Thor spoilers *

 

 

“I can't believe it ended like that!” Merlin said like all was wrong with the world.

 

Arthur laughed. “They had to save something for the next part.”

 

“But what happened to Thor's father? It was bad enough that his mother died but his father too!”

 

“We don't know if he died. Loki could be holding him prisoner somewhere.”

 

“But still.” Merlin said, clearly upset like the characters were actually _real_. It was adorable. “Well at least Thor was able to bring Jane to Asgard for a while and they got a chance to get closer.”

 

 “There's that.” Arthur responded with a heavy sigh as they walked away from the movie theater.

 

*End of Thor spoilers *

 

***

 

“Hey, you want to grab some pizza?” Merlin asked.

 

“Pizza sounds great, I'm starved.”

 

“Good, you look like you've lost some weight and I'm supposed to be the only skinny one between the two of us.” Merlin replied, it was clear in his tone that he was worried.

 

“Har di har har. I've just been busy.”

 

“Too busy to eat?” Merlin pressed.

 

“Are you going to lecture me about eating or are we going to get some pizza?” Arthur asked, turning towards Merlin, suddenly serious.

 

Merlin groaned because he knew he wasn't going to get an answer out of Arthur at this rate. “Fine, pizza it is.”

 

They went to Avalon's pizza at the corner by their flat and shared a large meat lovers with a few beers. Well, Merlin ate his half of the pizza while Arthur picked at a few slices of his. This did not go unnoticed by Merlin. He decided not to press the matter. At least, not yet. Merlin tried for conversation instead. He talked about work, helping build a wooden crib for Vivian and Elyan's first child, and he spoke about his mum's plan to visit for a few days. “ _She said she wanted to see us before she went on her cruise for the holidays. Can you believe she even roped uncle Gaius into going?!”_ Merlin also informed Arthur that _Dylan_ would not be making anymore guest appearances. _“We were completely incompatible. I won't share my horror story with you because you don't deserve it, you would be traumatized for life! Needless to say I sent him packing before 10pm, without even a phone number for his troubles. That's what I get for trying to pick someone up at the hospital cafeteria.”_ Arthur had no response to that, because apparently Merlin considered anyone as a potential someone but him. It was not a comforting thought.

 

When they got back to the flat Arthur was going to make it to his room but was stopped by Merlin grabbing him by the elbow in the corridor. “Arthur, I'm worried about you.” Merlin said roughly, almost hoarse, and his voice was thick – his Irish side coming through, but there was no mistaking the sincerity in it. And his wet eyes only confirmed Arthur's assumption.

 

Just the same. It was not the kind of declaration from Merlin that Arthur wanted to hear.

 

Arthur's shoulders slumped but raised back automatically. He still had some pride left. “There's nothing to worry about. I've just got some things that I need to sort through is all. Nothing to fret about.”

 

“That's easier said than done.”

 

They've never kept secrets from each other. Except for this one. Arthur's feelings. But dammit, how could Merlin not know?! Arthur sighed inwardly and his stomach felt like it was in knots but Arthur continued to speak anyway.

 

“It's alright Merlin. I just need some time to get my head around things but it's going to be okay.”

 

Merlin looked at Arthur before leaning in and giving him a full body tight hug. Arthur stood completely still for a moment before his limbs and body automatically reacted. It's not the first time Merlin's hugged Arthur or vice versa, but everything has been heightened lately, like they are about to come to some sort of crossroad. Arthur's only afraid that the crossroad won't include him when they're finished. He sucks in a breath and then inhales, smelling Merlin's scent while nosing his neck discreetly and relishing in the moment. It's over too quickly when Merlin pulls away. Arthur feels empty and it hurts. “I love you man, I love you like the brother and you know this.” That hurts even more and it guts Arthur to the core, but he listens anyway. Merlin has no idea how his words are effecting Arthur. “I just want you to be happy. You know that right?”

 

Arthur closes his eyes before opening them only to see Merlin looking back at him. Like he's trying to see into Arthur's soul. It makes Arthur feel like he's being examined naked but it doesn't seem like Merlin got an answer out of his examination. He looks like he's been left wanting. Merlin's groan of frustration only confirmed that for Arthur. Merlin's worry is evident but Arthur has no way to comfort him, especially when he is trying to find a way to comfort himself. “I know.” Was all Arthur could say in response.

 

“Good.” Merlin replied with a small smile.

 

“I'm just gonna...” Arthur points to the direction of his bedroom. “I'm just gonna turn in for the night. It's been a long day.”

 

Merlin looks disappointed but nods anyway. “I understand, _he really doesn't_ , get some rest Arthur.”

 

“Goodnight Merlin.”

 

“Goodnight.”

 

Arthur found himself pressed against his bedroom door for the second time that day. He could still smell Merlin's woodsy cinnamon with a hint of vanilla scent from his cologne. He could still _smell_ Merlin. Arthur thought about the night that they had and just how right it felt. Well... how right it could have felt if they were together. He thought about how it would feel to wake up every morning to find Merlin pressed against him and how it would feel every night crawling into bed with him. Arthur tried not to think further, too late, his body already started betraying him. Only the thought of seeing his old nanny Grunhilda naked willed it away. Arthur's chest burned by the sensation of his overwhelming feelings. The only thing that makes it worse is that this has been going on for so long that Arthur doesn't know how to address it any longer. He's tried, by the gods he's tried, but his tongue seems to swell when he does and his breathing starts to become irregular, and then his heart starts beating triple time like it's about to burst. And that's just for starters! Because Arthur can't help but think of all the ways that Merlin will tell him _no_. It becomes a mess and Arthur ends up feeling like an idiot wishing that the ground would swallow him whole, _again_. “If only it could be easier,” Arthur mutters to himself.

 

Arthur get's ready for bed wondering if there is a light to see at the end of the tunnel any longer.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A penny for you're thoughts.


	4. Chapter 4

“Dammit!”

 

Was the first thing Arthur heard that woke him up out of his sleep the next morning.

 

“Fuck! Oww!” Was next.

 

Fortunately, Arthur was clothed in a t-shirt and jogging pants because if there was a fire he wouldn't have to worry about running amok nude. He made his way into the kitchen because that's where the continued ranting of curses was coming from only to find Merlin running his hand over water.

 

“Merlin, what happened?” Arthur asked worriedly.

 

“I burned myself.” Merlin cried out while running his hand in the water.

 

“Ahh, why?” Was Arthur's only response. Merlin did not _do_ kitchens. Not unless he used the microwave, the coffee maker, the toaster, the refrigerator, used prepackaged meals or the microwave for frozen foods. And this was for good reason. Merlin's clumsiness was another.

 

“I was trying to make an omelet and then toaster went off and my sleeve got caught on the pan and then there was the flame...” Merlin trailed off to Arthur's raised brow.

 

“Are you hurt?”

 

“I think I got to the water on time but the flame caught to some of my shirt, and then it got to my wrist, and then the top part of my hand.” Merlin answered in frustration.

 

Arthur could have laughed because only Merlin could have burned himself that way but decided against it because he hadn't seen the burn for himself yet. Although, the thought 'idiot' did come to mind. Arthur went to the sink. “Let me see it.”

 

“I'm a doctor Arthur, I think I can treat my own burns.” Merlin spoke incredulously.

 

“Ahah, let me see.” Arthur said stubbornly and Merlin sighed turning the water off. Arthur gently raised Merlin shirt sleeve, took a dried towel and wiped Merlin's lower arm and hand before taking a look at the burn. “It's starting to redden and blister already, there also looks like there's some minor swelling.”

 

“No shit Sherlock.” Was Merlin's reply but he looked at Arthur fondly.

 

“Don't be a smart ass. Let me grab the first aid kit.”

 

Five minutes later Arthur had Merlin's burns covered with a few sterile gauze bandages and he was passing Merlin some paracetamol for the pain with a glass of water.

 

“I could have done that for myself.” Merlin said with a huff before continuing, “but thank you.”

 

“Your welcome. And now, can you tell me what were you doing in the kitchen in the first place?”

 

“I was trying to make you breakfast.”

 

“Merlin, you couldn't cook to save your life. In fact, if you were the last person on earth and there were no other means of eating that didn't require cooking I am quite certain that you would starve to death.”

 

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” Merlin mumbled.

 

Arthur continued as if Merlin hadn't said a word, “so it begs to ask again, why were you cooking?”

 

“You do things for me all the time Arthur, I just wanted to do something back for you.”

 

“And you thought making me breakfast would even the score.”

 

Merlin pressed his lips in a fine line, like he had something to say but was struggling not to say it.”

 

Arthur could play that game. “What else?”

 

“There's something wrong with you Arthur -”

 

“Not this again -”

 

“Here me out. There's something wrong and you're not telling me.”

 

“And you think the breakfast is the -”

 

“No, but something is wrong and I have been trying to ask you -”

 

“And I told you that I had a lot on my mind -”

 

“And since when did you start keeping things from me -”

 

“A lot longer than you seem to think -” Arthur whispered to himself before he could filter it.

 

“What was that?” Merlin asked, clearly upset, and apparent that he caught some of what Arthur said even though he whispered it.

 

“Nothing.” Arthur said while attempting to clean up.

 

“Really?” Merlin glared at Arthur accusingly.

 

“I didn't,” Arthur paused and ran a hand through his hair and then covered his face for a moment before continuing, “I didn't mean it like that.”

 

“And just how did you mean it?” Merlin asked standing in Arthur's personal space. “When did we start keeping secrets from each other.” And after a pause. “Are you mad at me?”

 

Arthur shook his head before answering, “No...no... I am not mad at you.”

 

“Then what seems to be the problem?”

 

And Arthur found himself taking a few steps back and shouting, “I told you that I have a lot on my mind right now. What makes you think that it always has to be about you?” And Arthur knew that was a lie because it was always about Merlin but he was starting to feel boxed in.

 

“I never thought it was always about me.” Merlin responded, eyes wide, expression - hurt. And Arthur closed his eyes for a moment because it always seemed to hurt him more seeing Merlin hurt and he couldn't help but blame himself. It didn't make Arthur change what he said though because on some level he felt like he _wanted_ to hurt Merlin too.

 

“Really?” Arthur said, this time he raised a brow, and his jaw tightened automatically.

 

“What do you mean really, I never thought it was always about me.”

 

Arthur's filter was still off and before he could stop himself he found himself saying, “you want to know what it means, huh? It means that you're so wrapped up in your own life that you don't have a clue about what is going on with anyone else.”

 

Merlin's eyes were like saucers, totally taking aback by Arthur's reaction but he managed to respond. “That's not true Arthur and you know it.”

 

“It's true, it's damn true, see -- proof in point, you completely missed out on what's been going on here.”

 

“Arthur,” Merlin sighed and used his fingers of both hands to rub his temples before continuing, “I don't know what you are talking about. You said that I've missed out on things, but when? When I was working round the clock doing rounds, was this further back while I was an intern with no time to spare and barely managing to eat or sleep?”

 

“You have time for all of your boyfriends and you're one night stands.” Arthur commented snidely. Walking back and forth now before making it out of the kitchen and into the living room with Merlin trailing quickly behind him.

 

Merlin tilted his head and sighed in frustration before continuing, “And just look where that's gotten me, absolutely no where. Half of those relationships didn't work out because I couldn't find the time to focus on it. I've told you this before.” Merlin paused, groaned and continued, “so when was it? Was it further back than that when I was doubling my school and workload to finish early so I didn't have to spend forever in training and school before living my dream? When _exactly_ did I miss what seems to be so very important here? Because from where I'm standing it sounds like you blame me. I just... I just don't understand.”

 

“If you wanted to know you would have seen it! Everything is always right there for you to see.” Arthur yelled, but he couldn't maintain for much longer and he knew it. His chest muscles were already starting to tighten.

 

“I don't know what you're talking about. What time? What did I miss? I know I that I've been busy -”

 

“I see you just about every day.”

 

“And when you do I'm half here and half somewhere else because my mind is all over the place from school and work then and work now. You know this Arthur.”

 

“It's no excuse!” Arthur cried out visibly starting to shake. Arthur knows that he is emotionally unstable at the moment and he knows that all of the blame should not fall on Merlin but his anger is palpable, at the surface, and Merlin's pushing, unbidden – it's coming out if Arthur doesn't bring himself under control.

 

Merlin took the silence as an opportunity to continue. “I'm not trying to make an excuse, I'm trying to see what's wrong with my best mate. I'm trying to find out what's so important to get you like this and to make you distance yourself from me. You've always told me everything -”

 

“And yet you still missed it!” Arthur said with venom in his tone while taking deep breaths and trying to count back from one hundred in his head in an attempt to calm down.

 

“Then why don't you just tell me what I've missed. I've been asking!” Merlin shouted back.

 

Arthur shook his head again before replying, “right, I have to go to work.”

 

“No Arthur, I want to know what you meant by that?”

 

Arthur didn't stay to give an answer. He _couldn't,_ not without telling his own worse kept secret.

 

Arthur stormed off to his room shaking while hearing Merlin yell his name several times along the way. Merlin even tried banging on the door but to no avail, Arthur didn't answer it. It was too close for comfort for Arthur so he hid in his room for what could have been hours but was probably an hour with his door locked while he waited, heart pounding, hands shaking, and head spinning before he finally heard Merlin leaving the flat. Arthur knew that Merlin would not let it go until he got some answers so he did the only thing that he could think of doing at the time. He grabbed an overnight bag, packed some essentials, and left. Never-mind the fact that he was leaving his _own_ flat.

 

 ***

 

8:00pm

 

“What the hell do you mean by saying he just _left_?!” Morgana screeched on the phone.

 

“I mean he said he was going to work today and he never came back.” Merlin responded back evasively.

 

“And what happened in between?” Morgana questioned, tone terse.

 

“I went to work.” Merlin answered, his voice getting smaller.

 

Morgana was at the point where she was going to say some things that she knew she would regret later so she took a deep breath before asking, “Merlin, what happened before you went to work?”

 

There was a long silence.

 

Morgana knew that Merlin was afraid of her but she also knew that this could be used to her advantage now. “Merlin?”

 

“We got into a fight.” Merlin responded regretfully.

 

“What's going on?” Gwaine asked in the background.

 

Morgana tried to shoo him away. It didn't work. She sighed and shook her head before holding the mouthpiece of her phone with her hand and responding, “Arthur's missing. Call the lot and see if anyone's heard from him.”

 

Gwaine nodded in concern before grabbing his phone to make some calls.

 

“Didn't you see him at work?” Merlin asked.

 

Morgana shook her head again, she didn't know why. It wasn't as though Merlin could see her. She continued. “No, he called in sick. Dammit! I knew I shouldn't have fallen for that one.” She replied, but was also reprimanding herself. She continued. “Merlin, what did you two fight about?”

 

Another silence and a loud strangled moan was heard before she got a response. “Morgana, I really don't know.”

 

“What did Arthur say?”

 

Merlin sighed loudly before responding, but his voice was thick. “It's not what Arthur said is more like what he _didn't_ say...”

 

“What do you mean by that?” Morgana almost rolled her eyes, it was like pulling teeth from Merlin when you needed information from him. Well...information that he didn't want to share.

 

“I mean he started yelling at me and started accusing me of things without actually accusing me of anything. He kept telling me that I should know.” Merlin voice started sounding hoarse half-way through, he paused and continued, “I don't know what I am supposed to know and he wouldn't tell me. It could have been about the time I dented his brand new Aston Martin Vanquish or throw up on his Italian loafers when I was drunk for all I know but he just refused to tell me.” Merlin rambled, tried to cover a sob, and continued. “I was only trying to find out what was wrong. He seems...he seems like he is going through something and he used to share everything with me. I know sometimes I have to push for the answers like the time when he had that big fight with you father a year or so back but he's _never_ reacted like this with me before...” Merlin groaned before continuing, “he's been losing weight, he's getting moody, Morgana, he was shaking so much...” Merlin trailed off and Morgana's closed her eyes.

 

Then she sighed. She had a feeling something like this was going to happen soon.

 

Morgana ran a hand through her hair as she paced her living room floor in one direction while she watched Gwaine pacing in the other direction while talking on his phone. He shook his head to tell he hadn't heard anything yet before continuing to pace before placing another call. Morgana groaned before speaking to Merlin. “Do you have any idea where he could have gone?”

 

“No, I thought he would have come by to see you. Autumn always has a way of cheering him up when he's down. And when he's not at home he's normally with the you guys in some capacity at the pub, the pool hall, or the bowling alley. He rarely goes to any of those places by himself...”

 

That's what she thought too. _Bloody hell!_

 

She looked at Gwaine again and he looked back at her sadly shaking his head. “I'm getting dressed to go look for him. Lance, Percy, and Elyan are going to look for him too.” Morgana nodded.

 

“Merlin?” No response. _“Merlin?!”_ Morgana yelled in the phone.

 

“Yes?” Merlin responded back, he sounded like he was in tears.

 

“No one has seen him. Gwaine, Lance, Percy, and Elyan are going to go out looking for him. You call the hospitals and the police okay?” No response. “Merlin!”

 

“Okay.”

 

“You call me back, whether you've heard anything or not, okay?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Morgana hung up without saying good-bye and went to her room while Gwaine was getting dressed. He had already buttoned his jeans and was putting on a sweater by the time she got to the room.

 

“Are you going to call your dad?” Gwaine asked.

 

“As a last resort.” Morgana responded while pacing their bedroom floor.

 

“You don't think he would have gone there?” Gwaine asked while putting on his trainers.

 

“Not unless he wants father to take charge of him and that would be the last thing that he would want.”

 

Gwaine nodded. “Are you going to be alright?”

 

“I will be as soon as I find him. You go. I'll call the office to see if he stopped in and then I'll call the hotels.”

 

“You don't think he'll go back to his flat?”

 

Morgana shook her head, “not yet, they got into a fight, he's not going to want to face Merlin just yet.”

 

Gwaine nodded again and was going to open his mouth to say something else but decided against it. He pulled Morgana into a hug and gave her a passionate kiss. “It's going to be okay, you'll see.”

 

Morgana looked defeated, but she nodded back before telling Gwaine to call her if he heard anything.

 

“You too.” Was his response before saying. “Call me anyway.” And Gwaine was off.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter answers some more questions for you. There's a lot of history in it and even a flashback. As a reminder, this story is unbeta'd. If you see anything, feel free to let me know and I will make the changes. This was a longer chapter than the others which could allow for mistakes to be more easily missed. I hope you enjoy the chapter.

Gwaine, Lance, Percival, Leon, and Elyan scoured the city but were unsuccessful in their search in finding Arthur. They realized then if Arthur didn't wish to be found, he wouldn't be. But that didn't stop them from trying. They searched, they called friends, and searched some more. They even had Morgana call Uther without prompting the reason for the call. The results were the same, Arthur was no where to be found.

 

Morgana paced her living room floor until she thought she would put a hole in it before she stopped and decided on putting the kettle on for tea. When the doorbell ranged she ran to the door in hopes that she would find Arthur on the other side of it coming to her to see Autumn, or to visit just to make things better like he normally would – only to be left with disappointment when she saw Mithian on the other side of it in her scrubs and sneakers, hair tied up in a neat bun.

 

“Oh it's you.” Morgana said with a sigh.

 

“I'll try to take no offense to that.” Mithian said with a smile as Morgana stepped aside to allow Mithian entrance.

 

Morgana sighed. “I'm sorry, I was hoping -”

 

“I know, Merlin called the hospital to evasively ask if there was anyone that was admitted in emergency and I got it out of him. I came over as soon as I made sure that he was okay.”

 

Morgana nodded before asking, “is he?”

 

Mithian shook her head. “No, he's blaming himself and he sounds like he's falling apart. I've never heard him sound so distraught, that's why I checked on him first. I made him some tea and I slipped him a mild sedative for sleeping like I take after I've lost a patient. And then I called Will.”

 

Morgana thought that was wise. “What did Will say?”

 

“He said he knew the shit would hit the fan eventually, but that he would go and check in on Merlin to make sure that he was alright before making his way over to yours.”

 

“What was Merlin doing before you left?”

 

“Resting, but it's a near hit or miss. He's too worried to really go to sleep, even with the sedative. You know how stubborn Merlin can be, and he wants to be awake if Arthur decides to go back to the flat tonight.”

 

“I don't think he will.” Morgana felt confident in that.

 

“Considering what Merlin told me I would say that I would have to agree. But it doesn't mean that he won't try to call Arthur on his phone anyway or that he won't fight sleep in hopes that Arthur will return to the flat. And the last part isn't very difficult for Merlin. We're doctors, we're use to making it through our shifts even while tired or with a lack of sleep. If he doesn't want to sleep, he's not going to.”

 

“If only he was worried like this months ago, maybe this wouldn't have happened now.”

 

“Maybe... maybe not. You have to remember that Arthur didn't wish for Merlin to know what the rest of us did. And if that is the case he probably did a good job in hiding it from Merlin.”

 

“No, that's the thing, he didn't. He royally sucked at it. Arthur was besotted for quite some time now, we knew this.” Morgana said while she continued to pace the living room floor. “Half of us figured it out before Arthur confirmed it, while the other half of us thought it was cute. And on top of that none of us spent as much time with Arthur as Merlin did so out of all of us - if anyone should have noticed something - it should have been Merlin.”

 

“I'm not saying that Merlin isn't an idiot, or that he shouldn't have picked up on the signs of depression as a doctor or the signs of the weight loss but about Arthur, being in love with him? I just don't know.” Mithian responded as honestly and as carefully as she could.

 

Morgana shook her head. “I don't want to argue, I just want to find him and I feel paralyzed right now because I can't be out there helping in the search.” Morgana said tiredly.

 

“Would you like me to stay with Autumn while you go out and help?” Mithian offered.

 

Morgana shook her head again. “I would like to go, but Gwen just called before you got here and she's on her way over with Elena, Soph, and Freya.”

 

“What are they doing with the kids?” Mithian asked.

 

“Viv's. She's had some swelling in her legs and feet this week so the doctor prescribed a week of bed rest. Given the fact that she and Elyan had a miscarriage the first time they tried for children the doctor didn't want to take any chances, even though she's six months along. Galahad is sleeping so Gwen's bringing him with her here, but they're gonna drop off Aries, Geraint, and Lucan over to Viv's. You know that Aries and Geraint are old enough that they can pretty much take care of themselves, and Viv wanted practice taking care of a baby so Lucan being there is like a treat for her.”

 

Mithian nodded before asking, “would you like anything? Some coffee or tea perhaps?”

 

“I set the kettle on for some tea before you came, but we should also brew a pot of coffee as well for the rest of the lot. It's the middle of the night, I'm sure they're all pretty tired by now.” Morgana responded in a detached tone.

 

“Will do. Why don't you go sit down on the coach and I'll go bring you some tea.” Mithian prompted, like she was taking charge of a patient.

 

The phone ranged at the same time.

 

Morgana lunged for it on the coffee table and after checking the caller id she ran a hand through her hair and answered the phone. “Gwaine, have you found him?”

 

“No such luck.” Gwaine responded. It sounded like he was in his car. “I've been trying to retrace Arthur's normal route and haunts but I haven't seen, or heard anything yet. We even called estranged friends and after getting yelled at for calling so late we were told that they haven't seen Arthur in months.”

 

Morgana expected as much. “What about the rest of the lot?”

 

“No go either. We went to the parks, some of the local pubs, walked streets, but nothing. Did Merlin hear anything when he phoned the hospitals?”

 

“No, not a word, but that's a good thing.”

 

“True, what about the police stations?”

 

“They haven't seen or heard anything and were so gracious enough to remind me that it takes 48 hours to declare someone as missing and that if there is no foul play that Arthur would come back when he was ready to be found.” Morgana sucked in a breath in suppressed anger in having to think about that conversation before continuing. “I wanted to reach through the phone to hurt somebody, but I didn't want to risk public awareness by explaining the severity behind the situation, and with that there was little else I could do.” Morgana shook her head, reminding herself that she did the right thing. “And besides that, Arthur would never forgive me if I did something like that without his say so.” Morgana added out loud and for herself.

 

Gwaine pulled at his low-shaved beard taking one hand off of the steering wheel before asking, “What about the hotels? Did he check into any of them?”

 

Morgana shook her head again, as if Gwaine could see her before remembering that he couldn't and responding, “no, I checked all of the hotels he would deem suitable for himself and no one has checked in by his name.”

 

“He could have used another name.” Gwaine pointed out.

 

“He could have, but that means we're really screwed in finding him aren't we?”

 

Gwaine sighed before answering, “no, we don't know that and we're not giving up. The boys and I are going to meet at the diner down the street from where I'm at now closer to Pendragon. We're going to break up into groups to start checking alleyways since none of us should be walking the street alone at this time of night. Call me if you've heard anything?”

 

“Same for you.” Morgana answered with a frown.

 

“It's going to be alright, okay?”

 

“I know.” She didn't.

 

“Love you.”

 

“Love you too.”

 

**

 

Knock, knock, knock!

 

No answer.

 

“Merls, it's Will, I know you're in there, open up.”

 

No answer.

 

Knock, knock, knock, knock!!

 

“Merls, open up this door right now, I've been waiting out here for the past five minutes and it's late and I'm cold.” Will whined.

 

No answer.

 

Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock!!!

 

No answer.

 

“Dammit Merlin! Open the door!”

 

It took Will another five minutes of frustration to remember that Arthur kept a spare key taped under the door mat, another two minutes to rip the reinforced tape it was stuck to – don't ask, and another minute to open the door before coming inside. He did not like what he found in his wake.

 

The flat was completely dark, but that wasn't what alarmed Will the most. What alarmed him was the dark figure sitting in the farthest corner of the living room by the bookshelf sitting with his knees to his chin, arms wrapped around his legs, and weeping like somebody died. And maybe to Merlin, somebody did, because Arthur means everything to him and Will knows that. But the severity of the situation itself... Will hasn't seen Merlin cry since they were fourteen and had to move from Ealdor to London in order for Hunith to take over Gaius' Apothecary business after Gaius' heart attack. Will of course, without having a dad, and having a drunk – absentee - for a mother tagged along for the ride with Hunith's full consent and his mother's relinquishing of parental rights. Fortunately for Will, there was enough monies and scholarships around to allow for him to go to the same fancy smansy school with Merlin that brought them into the lives of the likes of the Pendragons to begin with. Merlin's crying was still a cause for alarm.

 

And just like when they were fourteen, Will did the same thing that he was going to do now, and that was sit down on the floor beside Merlin, wrap his arms around his shoulders, and allow the tears to flow.

 

_Flashback._

 

“ _We can't move there Will, it's going to be horrible.” Merlin said while the tears flowed easily down his pale cheeks._

 

“ _Why would you say that Merls, this is a great opportunity. I'm not all excited about that posh school Hunith's got us into but Gaius said he had a good friend, Uther's the name, and he said that it was the best school in the area for us. But this is our chance Merls, to get out of this place and to start over.” Will tried to encourage._

 

“ _Easy for you to say, you were always the popular one. Look at me. I look like I have an ugly-duckling syndrome. Do you see these flying saucers for ears.” Merlin pointed at his antennas that he called ears. “And to top it off, I have big lips,_ like agirl _, big eyes, and I'm pasty, and if that isn't enough, I'm gay. I'll never fit in to a place like that.”_

 

“ _First of all, I don't ever want to hear you talk about yourself like that again. Secondly, you will fit in. Thirdly, you are just as good as any of those posh gits that we're going to meet there. Forthly -”_

 

“ _That's not even a word.”_

 

“ _Quiet, it's my word. Forthly, no one is going to think better of you if you don't think better of yourself. And fithly -”_

 

“ _Really?”_

 

“ _Shut it. Fifthly, you'll have me. Best friends for life remember?”_

 

“ _Until some fancy smancy girl comes along.” Merlin mumbled._

 

“ _Who's to say there won't be some fancy smancy posh git that will come around and take you away from me Merls?”_

 

“ _I highly doubt it, who would want me?”_

 

“ _Oi!” Merlin responded as Will hit him in the back of his head._

 

“ _What did I tell you about that? You're just as good as anyone else. Give yourself some credit Merls, geez.”_

 

_End of Flashback_

 

 

Merlin startled as Will drew him near and after a second's pause he slumped against Will's side – head on his shoulder, and allowed the floodgates to open.

 

**

 

Even with the tea, Morgana could not settle down. She ended up pacing the living room floor again. Mithian sighed but watched on, at a lost of what to do. Gwen, Freya, Elena, and Sophia arrived fifteen minutes prior and were each in their own states of worry.

 

“You said that Will went over to Merlin's?” Gwen asked Sophia.

 

“Yes, he went over shortly after Mithian called. He's worried about him.”

 

“Maybe if _Merlin_ was worried about Arthur a little bit sooner -” Freya said but was cut off by Sophia before finishing her sentence.

 

“What's done is done. Now we have to find a way to salvage this mess. I highly doubt that Merlin intentionally allowed any of this to happen.”

 

“No one said that it was intentional.” Freya said sharply. “But even though we were all sworn to secrecy we tried to give Merlin as many clues as possible and either he missed it or didn't want to see it. And out of the lot of us, Merlin has spent the most time with Arthur, and he's a doctor, if anyone could have caught some of this it should have been Merlin.”

 

“That's not always true.” Elena said thoughtfully. “Sometimes it's those that are closest to us that we miss the warning signs for. You hear about it all the time. Suicidal teenagers, rape victims, depressed family members, trauma patients, and those being treated in domestic abuse situations. It happens all of the time. I volunteer at the crisis shelter so I know this as fact. There are a lot of family and friends who blame themselves for missing it even though they were always there, but the fact of the matter is -- unless you are there 24/7, if the person doesn't want you to know, there's a good chance that you won't. Not until it spirals out of control for the individual where they are no longer in control of their problems to hide it from others themselves.”

 

“But we knew.” Mithian countered.

 

“Correction, some of us knew.” Elena countered back. “Some of us did not know until Arthur's drunken confession. Only those who knew Arthur's besotted looks and how attentive he was to Merlin figured it out early on. But he was always drawn to Merlin so he didn't have to act much different there did he? One may have just thought Arthur was paying more attention to Merlin is all.”

 

Gwen was about to open her mouth.

 

“Now I'm not saying that Merlin isn't an idiot.” Elena said quickly. “But I am saying that maybe we should think about what's really important now and that's finding a way to salvage this situation between the two of them, because there's always going to be blame and doubt to shuffle about.” Elena finished.

 

**

 

Morgana couldn't listen to the girl's discussion any longer without saying some things that would have definitely been out of anger. She grabbed her phone and went to sit in her rocking chair on her front porch. She knew that she couldn't blame Merlin for what transpired between him and Arthur today, or for Arthur running away, but she didn't know if she could forgive him for being so oblivious and wrapped up into his own life that he didn't notice anything going on in the life of his best friend. Arthur knew just about everything that happened in Merlin's life. From day one when Merlin moved from Ealdor, Arthur took a liking to him. _“There's just something about him, Morgana.”_ Would be Arthur's favorite saying. He loved Merlin like a brother, until he discovered -admitted - his preference for men over women and became to love Merlin as the love of his life. That acceptance of that knowledge was _not_ easy for Arthur. He denied it to himself for a long time. He would look at Merlin like he was endearing but like he was a puzzle, because he couldn't understand why. He would always seem to find himself touching Merlin, or hugging him and tugging him close, but couldn't find it in himself to call it odd. Not at any time that Morgana, Leon, Lance, or Gwaine would call him on it. Hell, even their father picked up on it after the many times Merlin stayed over, but never said anything in hopes that is was just a passing fancy. Too bad for Uther, it wasn't.

 

Arthur made Merlin come to every footie match, every school game and would make Merlin sit front and center, _“Stay right there. Your my good luck charm,”_ as Arthur would call him. When it was time to go to uni, Arthur immediately purchased a flat and moved Merlin in with him. He knew Merlin couldn't afford housing and schooling and wanted to help in anyway that he could. Well...that was partly true. The other part was that he always wanted to keep Merlin close. They all knew it. Of course he told Merlin the former, giving him the excuse of: _“You can't even cook for yourself, someone has to take care of you, you're already skin and bones!”_ He would take Merlin as his plus one to school dances and events, he would also take Merlin to company affairs at Pendragon. And through it all, Arthur didn't recognize his own feelings. Well at least, he didn't recognize just how far those feelings extended. It wasn't until their third year of uni that Arthur recognized the full extent of his feelings for Merlin - for what they really were - and Morgana knew the exact moment that he did. And because she was Morgana she made sure that Lance, Leon, Gwaine, Elena, and Gwen knew it too. For witnesses sake. It was karaoke night at Aithusa's and Merlin got up there and sung 'At Last'. No one even knew that he could sing! But during that song Merlin was nervous and Arthur was always calming to him so he focused his sights on Arthur for the entire song. Morgana saw the awareness in Arthur's eyes change from dense denial, to a brief horror, to sadness, to conflicted, and finally to a full acceptance. She watched his expression change from the proud best friend to being fond, soft, and something else in between. And on that night, the pining officially began. And because it was just Arthur's luck, Merlin was dating Cenred at the time. What could make it worse? As of their sophomore year at uni – one year after Arthur realized his feelings for what they were - Merlin suddenly noticed his good looks and became a lover boy, and from that point on was almost never single. And with that new found popularity, Merlin was never single for any longer than for a few months at a time. 

 

Morgana always thought it would have been different if Arthur realized his feelings for what they were sooner.

 

Morgana was rocking back and forth in thought as her phone went off. She shrieked as she saw Arthur's name and picture showing on her caller id. “Arthur! Where are you?”

 

“No, not Arthur. Hey Morgana, this is Gary at Aithusa's. I've got someone over here that belongs to you.”

 

“Arthur?”

 

“Yep. He's been here all day, taking up residence at the end of my bar drowning his sorrows shot after shot in my good whiskey. He's been yammering on about some unrequited love mumble jumble and about him ruining everything. He's starting to scare my customer's away. Good thing their my regulars. But listen, if he didn't look so distraught I would have cut him off hours ago. It's only for the fact that I know he's good for paying along with the fact that I have no intention of giving him his car keys to drive that I haven't.” Gary paused before continuing, “look could you send someone over to pick him up? I offered to call Merlin but he pretty much had a conniption fit and he wouldn't calm down until I told him that I would call you instead.”

 

That was to be expected. Morgana nodded to herself before speaking. “You did the right thing. I'll send Gwaine.”

 

“Great, and Morgana?” Greg called, his tone changed to something more cautious.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Go easy on him, yeah? He looks like his world has just fallen apart.”

 

“I will. Thanks.”

 

Morgana hung up the phone without even saying good-bye, again. She took a brief moment to consider that she really needed to work on that before dismissing it and running back into the house. She must have startled some people by her quickness because Elena jumped and promptly slipped off the side of the couch onto the floor. And Gwen had to do a double take not to spill her tea. Not even the thought of Gwen spilling tea on her white carpet alarmed Morgana in her relief. “We've found him!”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A penny for your thoughts.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to say that I'm loving everyone's comments. It helps me see things from everyone's different points of views, and it makes me write faster if you can believe it. I'm about to go through to respond to them all now, but I wanted to get this posted first. Thank you Violetta, for the beta help in the first paragraph of the last chapter. I'm about to make that change now. Once again, this chapter is unbeta'd and longer than the last one. If you see any mistakes, please let me know and I will make the corrections. I hope this chapter answers even more questions for you. Enjoy it.

It took twenty minutes for Merlin to stop shaking and crying and another ten minutes before Will could finally get him to talk. After Merlin settled in on the coach with a hot cup of tea.

 

“He hates me, Will.”

 

“Who hates you?”

 

“Arthur, he hates me.”

 

“Arthur could never hate you, it's not in his DNA to hate you.” Will replied while ruffling Merlin's hair.

 

Merlin shook his head. “No, you didn't see him. The way he looked at me, like... like I betrayed him or something. He's never looked at me like that before. I've never done anything to deserve it.” Merlin paused before continuing, “at least I never thought that I've done anything to deserve it.”

 

“Did he tell you why he was angry?”

 

“No,” Merlin shook his head again. “No, I even pressed to find out why. It's always worked before when he's kept something from me but this time he just started accusing me of things. He ended up locking himself in his room.” Merlin sniffed.

 

“What did he say, Merlin?” Will pushed.

 

“He just kept saying that I should know, that he shouldn't have to tell me.” Merlin mumbled. “Tell me what?” Asking himself but asking aloud.

 

Will closed his eyes. He loves Merlin but when it comes to Arthur he totally misses the boat on his feelings. Maybe Arthur kept him close for so long that Merlin just thought that how they interacted with each other was normal, but, - nevertheless - somebody should have said something by now. Or Merlin should have noticed. How could he not? Arthur's done everything but tattoo the word  _mine_ on Merl's arse. Will hesitated too long and didn't realize that Merlin was staring at him. Damn, now's the time he chooses to be observant!

 

Merlin swallowed and clenched his jaw before saying, not asking, “you know.” Merls knew Will the longest and if there was one person he could read - when Will let his guard down - was him. And Will was tired.

 

Will, on reflex shook his head but Merlin wasn't buying it and said it again. “You know.”

 

“Merlin, I don't know what you're-”

 

“Does everyone else know?”

 

Will didn't respond.

 

Merlin didn't say anything, but his face paled, and two seconds later he started pacing the floor before shouting, “why didn't anyone tell me?!”

 

Will spoke, softer this time. “We couldn't.”

 

“That's bullshit!”

 

“No, it's not, we couldn't.”

 

“Will, how long have we been friends now?” Merlin questioned, he knew the answer.

 

“Since we were three.”

 

“And how old are we now?” Merlin was really rubbing it in.

 

“Twenty-seven, but Merls -”

 

“No, don't but Merl's me Will! Everyone knew like this has been some joke. And no one's bothered to tell me about it. It's obviously serious because Arthur through in my face. And in the meantime he's blaming me because I'm obviously supposed to know. Fuck!” Merlin pulled on his hair in despair.

 

“We couldn't tell you -”

 

“Couldn't or wouldn't?”

 

“Couldn't. Merlin, despite how you may think about this this is bigger than just about you.”

 

“That's the second time today someone has accused me of thinking it's all about me. I didn't like it then and I'm liking it even less now.” Merlin said defensively.

 

“Who said it first?” Will asked.

 

Merlin ran a hand through his hair before answering, trying to calm down. Somehow he knew this was all his fault. “Arthur.”

 

“Don't you think that's saying something?” Will responded, sometimes the only way to get to Merlin was by being blunt. Arthur candy-coated things for far too long. Will was never that way.

 

Will was going to say more before his phone ranged, he checked his caller id and excused himself from Merlin before answering, “Soph, did they find him?”

 

“Hey, yeah, they found him. Apparently he decided to get nostalgic and went to Aithusa's to get drunk as a skunk. We never thought to check there because there were so many memories for him, you know? We thought it would be the last place that Arthur would want to go to right now. Besides, you know it's across town by uni, and we only really go there as a group and on special occasions. Gwaine's on his way to pick him up now though.”

 

Will nodded and sighed, he knew Sophia wasn't finished so he gave it five seconds more before attempting to speak, he was right, she continued three seconds later.

 

“How's Merlin?” Sophia asked.

 

“He's not good?”

 

“Are you going to tell him?” Sophia asked bluntly.

 

“No, probably, I don't know. But I have to say if this were me I would probably want to know.” Will said softly, almost in a whisper.

 

“It's not you're secret to tell.” Sophia reminded.

 

“And that's the only thing that stops me every time.” Will groaned in frustration. “It's not fair. It's tearing two good people apart and it's one sided, we don't even know how he feels about this.”

 

“You mean Merlin.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Everything will figure itself out eventually.” Sophia attempted for reassurance.

 

“We said that to each other a year and a half ago after Arthur's drunken confession. It hasn't worked out yet.” Will paused before continuing, “look, I've got to go before Merls loses it. I shouldn't be too much longer but if worse comes to worse, do you mind if I bring Merls to stay in the guest room for the night?”

 

“No, that's fine. He probably doesn't need to be alone anyway and Aries would love to see her uncle.” Sophia responded.

 

“Your the best.” Will smiled.

 

“I know, take care of Merlin.”

 

“Love ya.”

 

“Love you too.”

 

Will ended the call only to turn around and find Merlin standing behind him and staring.

 

“You alright mate?” Will asked, not knowing how long Merlin was standing there for, and not knowing what was heard. Sometimes it was best to act normally around Merlin and he would let it go.

 

He was wrong.

 

“What was that about Arthur's drunken confession?”

 

“Merls -”

 

“Never mind,” Merlin sucked in a breath. “I knew you wouldn't tell me anyway. Just...just go, Will. There's nothing you can do for me if you can't tell me the truth, and apparently, no one wants to tell me anything. But at least tell me that that call was to tell you that they found Arthur?”

 

Will nodded, “it was.”

 

“And is he alright?”

 

“No, he's not alright, but he's back at Morgana's for the night.” Will knew he was about to go out on a limb but he found that he had to ask. “Merls, I'm going to ask you something and I need you to be completely honest with me, yeah?”

 

“Why would I lie, Will?”

 

“Not lie, per se, maybe buried it, suppressed, ignored it, not addressed, something like that.”

 

Merlin raised a brow.

 

Will continued. “I want you to think about it and to answer me honestly, okay?”

 

Merlin nodded.

 

“How do you feel about Arthur?”

 

Merlin's brows scrunched together automatically before responding. “Will, you've asked me this question before and I've told you, he's my best mate -”

 

“That's always been you're answer, yes, but it not exactly the answer to the question itself is it? I asked you how do you _feel_ about Arthur?”

 

“I love him. He's my best mate.” Merlin responded truthfully.

 

“Is that all that you feel for him?” Will asked.

 

“I'm not getting what you're saying Will. Arthur and I have been friends for thirteen years, he's my closest friend aside from you, and I love him. What are you trying to get at?” Merlin asked, expression guarded.

 

“I'm asking you do you have feelings for Arthur?” Will yelled.

 

Merlin's eyes went wide and his mouth opened and closed like a fish, he was in a brief state of shock. It took him a minute to answer. But when he did, he answered carefully. “Why would I have feelings for Arthur? He's my best friend, I love him and would do just about anything for him.” Merlin paused. “Will, what's going on?”

 

Will couldn't say, and what frustrated matters is Merlin sounded like he wanted it said. Like he couldn't - wouldn't – respond unless it was clear. Will ran a hand through his hair and looked at Merlin closely before responding. “Let me ask you another question.” It was going to be a long night.

 

**

 

“How did we let it get this far?” Lance said. Everyone was present at Gwaine and Morgana's with equal looks of guilt, sadness, and sympathy for their friend.

 

Morgana responded quickly, “we? We didn't let it get this far. Many of us have been spending time with Arthur and trying to convince him to deal with his feelings for Merlin. Leon is his PA at work so he watches him like a hawk and has control of his schedule. Gwaine and I are always trying to get him to stay over. The first guestroom down the hall is even decorated and set up for him! Then we've got Lance and Gwen always trying to take Arthur out or to bring him over to play with the kids, because we all know that Arthur loves kids.” Everyone nodded. “Do we all really drink that much to have so many pub nights, or do you think we have that time set to get Arthur outside of his flat?” The last question was rhetorical. They all knew the pub nights was meant to get Arthur outside of his flat, well, everyone with the exception of Merlin. Morgana sighed. “It's not that we let it get this far. We've done everything that we could actually do with the exception of three things. And that's lock him up in a room - force feed him - and make snap out of it, tell Merlin, or the one thing that would make Arthur hate us all for life and that's tell our father.

 

Morgana got up and started pacing the floor again before going on her rant.

 

“So let's evaluate those reasons in order of importance shall we? If we were to manage to tie him up - force feed him - and force some happiness in him we would run the chance of getting arrested for kidnapping. I say this because despite the fact that everyone thinks that I'm the evil one between the two of us, and Arthur's the sweet and adorable one, it doesn't change the fact that Arthur can be downright vindictive when he wants to be. Especially when he feels cornered. Now I'm not saying that I'm afraid, I'm just saying that we all know that he can also be stubborn, and if he doesn't want to address the problem itself it's not going to be addressed.

 

Morgana ticked off the first suggestion on her finger as failed.

 

We could tell our father. Out of everyone he is the only person with the power to have Arthur committed or force the issue of him getting help by saying that he will be committed if he doesn't. But father also goes overboard and will start taking charge of Arthur's life, his privacy, and his decisions. And yet, none of this solves the problem if Arthur doesn't want the help. It only puts his inheritance at risk and makes for some really messy articles in the tabloids if any of this get's out. So far none of this has affected Arthur's work, and that's how come father's been in the dark. And Arthur, with Leon's help as PA unbeknownst to him, has continued to do an excellent job at work. Arthur has been very careful in making sure that Uther stays in the dark, which means he still has his since of control and if we told father, he would hate us for life because we would basically be signing him up for either rehab or prison at the Pendragon manor. Any independence of Arthur's would cease to exist until father deemed Arthur healed again. And living in that manor, well let's say, after living in the manor myself, could be a life sentence for Arthur.

 

Morgana ticked off a third finger.

 

“That leaves Merlin.” Percival said.

 

“Yes, Merlin, the one that is the source and root of all things Arthur. The one who, out of all of us-including my father, actually has the most influence over Arthur. The one who, if Arthur was pining over _anyone_ else, could have made Arthur see reason since he _does_ listen to him and allows Merlin to guide him in his decisions. The one person who Arthur spends most of his time with. The one person who sees everything that happens in Arthur's life but the one thing that we need for him to see which is Arthur's love for him and what it's doing to him.”

 

“I know we promised but why can't we tell Merlin? It's been so long, they could have been together by now.” Mithian asked. Being the last in joining the group she didn't see Arthur and Merlin throughout their childhood or at uni. She joined the gang when she met Merlin in medical school and they became quick friends and later study partners. Her first impression of Merlin and Arthur then was that they _were_ a couple. They finished each others' sentences and they did everything in consideration of what the other wanted without ever having to ask. It shocked her the day she found out that they _weren't_ a couple, when Merlin bought met his boyfriend at the front of their building after class. Mithian still remembered that one, she thought Merlin was cheating on Arthur until he set the record straight. But through it all, it was easy to see Arthur's feelings and sense Merlin's adoration and awe for his friend. She used to hint at a future relationship with Arthur to Merlin because they seemed to fit together so well, but Merlin would only remind her that they were best mates. When she finally mentioned it to the gang they immediately told her that Arthur didn't want his own feelings for Merlin made known and – somehow - by the end of the evening, she was sworn to secrecy. She never understood why it was so important to be kept a secret and always wondered what Merlin's reaction would be if he actually knew the truth. Like now.

 

“Arthur doesn't want Merlin to find out that way.” Lance said immediately.

 

“But why not?” Mithian pressed.

 

Leon answered. “He wants Merlin to discover his feelings on his own. To want Arthur on his own, without the pressure of Arthur's feelings getting in the way. He doesn't want Merlin to accept him and try simply because their best friends, which is a good possibility, considering the fact that Merlin has always done everything Arthur's asked him to do. He's always trusted Arthur wholly, what's one more thing? Arthur wouldn't be able to know that it was for real.” Leon whispered along like he knew what Lance was saying word for word, he probably did. Arthur's been repeating for a while now.

 

Morgana nodded in agreement with Lance before speaking herself, “Arthur's also afraid that Merlin will actually reject him if he did say anything and that he would ruin their friendship. We're talking almost a decade and a half of friendship here, he's too afraid to risk it, even for his own personal feelings. He felt his own feelings as insignificant in comparison.” Morgana shook her head before continuing. “He sees all of the relationships that's Merlin's been in, and each time he sees another one he sees his missed opportunities. He sees that because - in his mind - Merlin is choosing someone else instead of him. In his mind, he thinks that Merlin has already chosen someone else instead of him because here's Arthur, standing before him _single_ ,” Morgana started ticking off her fingers again, “bi-sexual- may as well say gay, richer than dirt, _available_ , fit, excellent boyfriend material, gorgeous, and of course _available_. His words not mine,” Morgana says before continuing. “ He doesn't want him to decide now that he likes him because of his feelings and he doesn't know how to tell him without Merlin giving in for the wrong reasons because if he really wanted him he would have chosen before being forced into a decision. And so far none of those decisions have included him.”

 

“So where does late leave us?” Elena asked.

 

“Screwed.” Freya answered.

 

“No, there has to be something that we can do and by _we_ I mean Morgana.” Gwen said looking at Morgana like she had all of the answers.

 

If she only she knew the truth. Morgana thought to herself before responding to the floor. “I'm going to force him to take a trip. I'll have to think of a way to convince father to get him to take the time off to go away while making him think it's his idea. But I think it could work. And after the events of the evening I think I have enough ammunition now to force Arthur into seeing the therapist I've had lined up for him, without him taking offense in my doing so.”

 

“And you really think Arthur would actually go on this trip?” Mithian asked.

 

“Right now, yes. Last week, no. This is the perfect time for Arthur to get away, and hopefully, make some decisions about what he wants to do.”

 

“What about Merlin?” Sophia asked.

 

“What about Merlin? This, right now, isn't really about Merlin -” Freya answered.

 

“Except that it is -” Sophia countered.

 

“Not now it isn't. Right now it's about Arthur getting better. You don't know everything that Gwaine and I know, how far this has gotten that is, but it's better for all concerned for Arthur to take some time away. And while away, hopefully, he'll find someone to help him get over this seven year old itch.” Morgana interjected.

 

“It's not going to happen overnight.” Elena stated, reminding everyone that this wasn't a quick fix situation.

 

“No, it won't, but at least Arthur will be able to see the possibilities of it. Of having someone in his life who genuinely cares for him -” Morgana replied.

 

“Merlin does genuinely care for him -” Sophia countered.

 

“Someone who loves him -” Freya countered back.

 

“That's Merlin too.” Sophia countered again.

 

“Someone who loves him in the way that Arthur deserves to be loved.”

 

No one commented there.

 

“Merlin's going to want to see him.” Lance said carefully.

 

“That's up to Arthur, but I will not encourage it. It's not like Merlin's going to suddenly come around now and magically say the three words that Arthur's been waiting to hear for all of these years. And anything else is going to be too painful. No, I'm not getting involved.” Morgana shook her head. “Not unless he he wants me to.” Morgana was going to say more until the doorbell ranged. She stopped what she was going to say and headed to the door to answer it.

 

“Will,” Morgana pulled him in for a hug.

 

“Hey, how's he doing?” Will asked.

 

“He's alright. We changed him, gave him medicine, made him drink lots of water, and put a barf bag beside the bed. He's set up for the night.” Morgana responded with a smile before standing aside to let Will in.

 

“That was like a flashback of our uni days.” Will said with a chuckle.

 

“I know.”

 

“How's he doing mentally?”

 

“He's a little broken up. I think it's to the point where he has to address some things and he's fighting it because he doesn't want to.”

 

“Sounding like a therapist.”

 

“Hey,” Morgana said while knocking Will in the shoulder, “that actually came from a therapist.”

 

“Should of known it wasn't you.” Will laughed. He loved riling the Pendragon siblings up.

 

“Oi!”

 

“So...,” Will said as he walked into the living room, leaning over to give Sophia a kiss, nodding to everyone else, “what's going on in here?”

 

“We were talking about whether or not Merlin is going to finally lift his head out of the sand to see what's going on around him.” Freya replied.

 

Will nodded before saying, “I'm not going to say that Merls is in the right here, but I am going to say that it shouldn't be so much about who's right and who's wrong. I don't think anything that happened between them was intentional.”

 

“It doesn't matter whether or not it was intentional though, it matters that it happened at all, and for so long.” Freya said to Will.

 

Will sighed before continuing to speak. “Look, I'm exhausted, and I'm not here to fight. But I want to share a little story with you guys that may even help to shed some light on this situation if you'd allow me?” Will asked, looking at Morgana, they were the pranksters and the speak their mind people for the longest in the group, and he was closest with her outside of Merls, Lance, and Arthur. He knew she wouldn't argue with him, besides, she looked just as exhausted he did. Morgana nodded to allow it. Will continued. “When we first moved from Ealdor and Arthur took us in with you lot the first thing all those pretty rich brats began to mumble was we were Pendragon's charity cases. It didn't bother me any. I could give a crap about what those pricks would say because those words were just words and they were probably jealous. But it did hurt Merls. Mainly because he was closer to Arthur to begin with. And since I wasn't the only one to see that, he became a target.

 

“We never heard anything about that. If we did we would have put a stop to it.” Lance said immediately.

 

“It was never done in front of you and Merls didn't want you to think of him like that. Like he was a wimp or that he needed your help.” Will responded, apologetically, because it was kept from them.

 

“How long did that go on?” Gwaine asked.

 

“Oh, so you think it doesn't happen anymore now that we're adults? That children that were bullies don't grow into adults, that are bullies?” Will asked innocently.

 

Everyone had the expression that said exactly that.

 

“Well I hate to burst your worldview but bullying only becomes more sophisticated as we grow older but bullying, it still - fucking - is. But back to my story. Throughout school Merlin would be called Arthur's charity case. Merls would be told that the only reason why Arthur even befriended him was because it looked good, as a Pendragon, to donate to worthy causes. And since Merls and I were scholarship students his reputation was the only reason why Arthur took the time out to be with us.”

 

“That's not true.” Morgana nearly shouted. “We all loved Merlin _and_ you, even though you were rude all of the time, until we finally broke you in. But still, that was not the reason why -”

 

“Morgana, it's okay. We _know._ Merls and I both know and understand. But it didn't completely change our perception of the rich. We just thought of you lot as the exception to the rules is all." Will scratched his jaw before continuing. "But Merls was teased constantly, always getting jabbed in the hallway -”

 

“When did this happened? We were always with him.” Gwaine said frustrated with himself that they missed it.

 

“You couldn't have been there all the time and Merls is _very_ good at hiding his emotions when he wants too. It took me almost six months to figure it out – after - Merls told me they stopped it to figure out that they hadn't. And that's only because I walked in his room on him while he was changing and saw a big bruise on his shoulder from where he was shoved into a locker. The git swore me to secrecy. These damn secrets,” Will muttered before continuing, “but Arthur. Arthur took about three months more than me, but when he did find out he was livid. But that was more because of how he found out.” Will laughed then. “He walked up on those spoiled brats and made it very clear that he would ruin anyone that laid a hand on Merls. Not only ruin them in school, but that he would have Uther ruin them professionally too. Their future and their families. Whether he had what it took to make that happen didn't matter. The people stopped, well - for a while at least.”

 

“How come no one's told us about this before?” Gwen asked.

 

“Because Merls didn't want anyone to know and Arthur would do just about anything for him.”

 

No one could say anything. It was true.

 

“You hinted that some of this is also going on now. What did you mean?” Mithian asked.

 

“Exactly what I said.” Will responded turning to Mithian. “Do you really think those rich gits want to see Merls as Arthur's plus one at all of those Pendragon company functions?”

 

“Now wait a bloody minute, nobody -” Morgana jumped in, almost offended.

 

“Morgana, I think we just established that we don't _see_ everything.” Will interrupted sharply.

 

“What happened?” Leon prompted.

 

“Nothing physical. Just all of the leers from those snobs and the comments that Merls is just Pendragon's rent boy. They basically think of Merls as a kept man and that when Arthur tires of him he will turn him loose.” He raised his hands up, placating. “We know this isn't true. But you can't stop what people say in the dark corners or in the restrooms or even on the balconies. Arthur is one of the most eligible bachelors in London, hell in England. I'm not gay, but I can appreciate beauty enough to know that he's gorgeous and he's got the personality to go along with it. Not to mention he's got a good heart, and deep pockets to boot.

 

“If only Merlin could see that.” Elena said with a sigh.

 

“I know right.” Will joked, but rubbed his forehead tiredly before continuing. “But not only that, he's also the heir to all things Pendragon. Meaning, they want him and they see Merls as the figure standing in the way of all that. So of course their going to _try_ to say whatever they have to say to get Merls to think he's insignificant. To get him to walk away. Despite the fact that they were just two best mates hanging out. As Arthur would say. It didn't matter because everyone with eyes could see how Arthur looked at Merls. Everyone but Merls himself. It may have been confirmed by Arthur's drunken confession, but you would have to be blind to miss it.”

 

“Which goes back to our original point.” Freya said stiffly.

 

“No it doesn't, not really. Look. When you spend most of your life shielding yourself from people's looks of disdain, their condescending tones, their oops - sorry - I didn't see you there, the verbal abuse, the taunting, and the physical abuse of our youth you tend to close yourself off emotionally to protect yourself. Thus making the verbal abuse and the leering received taking little affect over Merls now. And, and this is just me here. Somehow I think it blocked Merlin from seeing Arthur in any other capacity aside from friendship.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I mean that it does still have an effect. Merls to some extinct does feel like he will never be on par with the rest of you lot. He does feel like a charity case at times like he did at first when Arthur took him in to live with him. Despite how Arthur tries to make him feel otherwise. Those words always manage to come back. And on some level, Merlin doesn't feel like he fits in your circle.”

 

“Has he told you this?” Elyan asked.

 

“Only when I pry it out of him. Never volunteered. And I have to piece the lot of it together. Do you know why Merls wanted to become a doctor?”

 

No one responded.

 

Will knew that. He sighed before continuing. “Even though he loves the profession and everything about what he does he chose that profession because it would give him enough respect in Arthur's society circle. He chose it in hopes that people would see him as someone that could be worthy of Arthur's friendship. It helped a little bit, but there were still those old money people that looked down on Merls because they had their daughters and sons lines up for Arthur already. As if Merls stood in their way.”

 

“They actually did.” Morgana laughed. “That's another reason Arthur would take Merlin. If everyone thought he had someone steady they wouldn't be flaunting their daughters in his face, and once they found out his preference, their sons and daughters.”

 

There were a few chuckles around the room. It didn't take away from the tension though.

 

“Did Arthur know about this?” Elena asked.

 

“Oh, he knew some of it. Arthur rarely misses a beat when it comes to Merls. Sometimes he's more on point than me – and I've known Merls nine years longer - but I miss things, especially after Aries came along. He nips it in the butt when he sees it though, but the damage of it has been done a long time ago and Arthur isn't able to see that because Merls has done such a good job covering it up from him.”

 

“This still doesn't answer the question of how Merlin could have missed Arthur's feelings for him.” Gwen pressed.

 

“If he's shut himself off from picking up all of that around him, hardening his skin and heart so to speak, then what makes you think he's good at picking up on feelings? Think about it, how many men has Merls been with now. Enough to supply a city. At least five of them should have had a connection with him. I think he sucks because he's hasn't been open to those relationships even though he said he was trying.”

 

“Poor Merlin.” Elena said while chewing her bottom lip.

 

“No, not poor Merlin. That's exactly why he never told anyone what was going on with him. Why Arthur had to catch things for himself instead of Merlin telling him. He never wanted your pity. That's not why I said any of this. I just thought you needed to know the truth before you are got on you're judgmental high horses!” Will almost yelled before composing himself. “Look, it's been a long night and I'm exhausted. I just came to pick up Soph and to check up on Arthur. We need to get Aries before it's too late, and we need to get Merls settled in because he needs some rest.”

 

“He's outside?” Elyan asked.

 

“Yes.” Will answered.

 

“Why didn't he come in?” Lance asked.

 

“Oh, I don't know. Maybe he get's the impression that you didn't _want_ him here.” Will answered back sharply.

 

“That's not true.” Elena responded.

 

“It's not. Then have any of you - with the exception of Mithian and myself - gone by to check on how Merls? I know you were conducting the search but not all of you were. You're sincerity of showing you care is sincerely lacking.”

 

“Now wait a minute, Will.” Percival jumped in.

 

Will raised his hand. “Look, I'm not trying to argue. It's just an observation. Merls does feel like he's been kept in the dark by everyone that he cares about. But he doesn't blame you for not showing up. Arthur comes first to him in this regard. He only wanted to make sure that he was alright. He didn't want to come in because he didn't think he would be welcomed.”

 

“That's not true.” Gwen said.

 

“And if Arthur was awake, would it still _not_ be true?” Will countered.

 

“That's not fair, Will.” Morgana responded.

 

“I'm not trying to judge Morgana. But I'm also not taking sides. They need to figure things out for themselves and I will be there to help them _both_ any way that I can. I only told you lot those things about Merls to help you see that you don't see everything when you look at him. That maybe there are reasons why he's so oblivious.” Will shook his head, he really didn't want to argue. “Look, I'll stop by tomorrow to check on Arthur.” He said while pulling Morgana into a hug and kissing her on the cheek. “Tell him that I'm thinking of him.” Morgana nodded in response.

 

It didn't take long for him and Sophia to say there good-byes and they were gone.

 

“What do we do now?” Gwen asked.

 

Morgana shook her head and used her fingers to rub her temples before responded. “I can't think that far. The only thing I can see is Arthur's trip and the therapist. It will do him no good to deal with all of this pressure if we can't work on the other things first. It's been going on for far too long.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Penny for your thoughts.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for posting late. I've had a migraine that won't go away, even after two naps and medication. But this another lengthy chapter, I hope it makes up for it. Once again, this chapter is unbeta'd, if you see anything please feel free to point it out and I will make the corrections. Also, I'm really appreciating you're comments. It's what gives me that extra push to post daily. And it helps to see things from different perspectives. I'll be replying to the reviews from the last chapter shortly. I hope you enjoy this one.

After the last person left for the night, Morgana closed the door and rested her head upon it closing her eyes. She felt arms going around her waist and a chin resting on her shoulders. She opened her eyes with a smile.

 

“Hey.” She said.

 

“Hey back at you.” Gwaine replied, giving her a kiss on her neck. “Are you going to be alright?”

 

“I don't know, ask me when this is all over.” Was her only response.

 

They heard feet shuffling, and turned to face the direction it was coming from only to see Arthur standing there, looking like the dead.

 

Morgana's first expression was of worry before she composed herself. Arthur didn't need that from her right now. “How are you feeling?”

 

Arthur shook his head. “Like crap. Like somebody hit me over the head with a sledgehammer. Like I just lost my best friend, and the only person that I'll ever love. Take your pick.”

 

“You don't know that -”

 

“I heard you all out here.”

 

Morgana tensed but otherwise showed no emotion before saying, “how long were you awake?” She asked hesitantly.

 

Arthur looked around the room and walked over to the sofa, sat down, and responded. “I never went to sleep.” He just pretended to in order to avoid the awkward discussions and questions about how he made a fool of himself. For seven years!

 

“How much did you hear?” Was Gwaine's question.

 

“Everything.” Was Arthur's only response. He paused, before continuing. “I heard Will, I heard what he said -”

 

“Arthur, you can't blame yourself for -” Morgana tried to say.

 

Arthur raised a hand for silence before speaking again. “I don't. How can I blame myself for that. Whenever I saw it I addressed it. I never gave Merlin the impression that he was less and I always tried to make him feel like he was more. If he ever compared me to those pricks than he never really knew me at all. Not like...not like I thought I knew him.”

 

“Damn right!” Gwaine said while Arthur continued.

 

“But it doesn't change the fact that the damage was done. At least, that's what Will said. The damage was done.” Arthur finished.

 

“That was Will's assessment though, you know how he always sees things differently.” Morgana replied.

 

“Will may see things differently, but it always comes from _somewhere_. He never makes things up, and he _never_ lies. He may have been speaking from what he's seen, and apparently he's seen enough to make an assessment.” Arthur said in response, sighed, and continued, “and it's not like I blame Merlin for keeping it from me when I've been keeping my own secrets all of this time.”

 

Gwaine and Morgana nodded, it was true. Arthur wasn't finished.

 

“And what sucks about it is the fact that we can't go back to see how any of this would have changed if we were both honest with each other to begin with.”

 

“Your situations aren't the same Arthur.” Morgana stated firmly.

 

“No, no it's not, and I had my reasons, but it still doesn't change the fact that I never gave him a chance to make a decision based on me telling him how I felt. That I wanted him on some level to be the one to tell me first, because I was too chicken to step up and say it all myself -”

 

“That's not completely true Arthur, and you know it.” Morgana admonished. Gwaine went for the brandy.

 

“It's partially true, you can admit that.” Arthur snapped, pinching the bridge of his nose. “The blame in this is not all his to take.”

 

“Where's all of this coming from now?” Gwaine asked, passing tumblers of brandy out to the two siblings.

 

“I listened to all of you argue and realized that this is going to have to come to an end. And since the bickering originated because of me, it's going to have to end because of me. I didn't even know you felt so anti-Merlin in this.” Arthur commented.

 

“We don't.” Gwaine said quickly. “We love Merlin. We just wanted him to figure things out, to get his head out of his arse. Yes, it was frustrating seeing him miss the major craters of clues that we would drop along his way, and it's frustrating watching you fall apart piece by piece, but we do love him. We just don't like to see you like this, and it makes our defensive side kick in on overdrive. If it were in reverse, we would have felt the same towards you.”

 

“Except you would have had me to kick your arse for being so oblivious.” Morgana said with a grin.

 

“I don't think I will _ever_ have to worry about stepping out of line for long with you sis.” Arthur said sincerely.

 

Morgana smiled back before responding. “Are you serious about getting the help now?”

 

Arthur nodded and ran a hand over his face before responding, “apparently I have a serious problem, and it's gotten out of my control. Merlin's attempt at _cooking_ me breakfast said a lot on that front.” Arthur shook his head before looking at his stunned sister and brother-in-law, and gave them the “yeah, don't ask" expression. He sighed and continued. “Even _if_ Merlin ever decided to want me I would be no use to him like this, or to myself, let alone anyone else. Listening to you guys argue over me also reminded me that it's more than just about me. It's funny, I accused Merlin of the same thing, and now I see it in myself. And on top of that, as you mentioned in your discussion, I can't risk father finding out.”

 

“Are you going to talk to Merlin?” Morgana asked.

 

Arthur rubbed his eyes with his hands before answering. “I don't think I have much of a choice in the matter.”

 

“Everyone has choices.” Gwaine responded.

 

Arthur shook his head. “No, I have to talk to him, to tell him. This has been eating at me for too long to let it go, and it's obvious that Merlin doesn't feel the same way -”

 

“You can't know that for sure without actually telling him how you feel, Arthur.” Morgana advised.

 

“Then what? What do you expect him to do. Feel bad that I've wasted all of my time pining after him? You expect him to pity me and give me a pity shag? To all of a sudden say that he has feelings for me too? What do you expect, huh? Because it didn't sound like he felt anything for me when we spoke aside from friendship. It sounded like he was upset because I wouldn't tell him what was wrong with me. And I can't blame him for that.” Arthur sighed and drew in a deep breath before continuing. “I can't blame him for not wanting me back, for not loving me back. That's his choice, and if he thinks that all of those other blokes are better for him then that's his choice too.”

 

“Then he's a fool.” Morgana replied in agitation.

 

Arthur looked up in surprise and defense in equal measure. “Morgana -”

 

“No, Arthur, if he can't see how he'd have it with you. And how you treated him, as if he were the most gorgeous thing in the world. If he can't see how precious you are, how special, than he is an oblivious fool, because you are all that he's been spending years looking for, and he can't even see what's standing right in front of him.”

 

Arthur smiled then. “You're just saying that because I'm your little brother.”

 

Morgana shook her head. “No, I'm saying that because I've watched you you're whole life, and I see the man you were then and the man you are now, and Merlin would be a fool to let you go.”

 

“He doesn't even want me.”

 

“Then fight for him.” Gwaine said, surprising himself but said again. “Fight for him.”

 

Arthur shook his head again. “I'm going to tell him, but I'm not going to fight for him. It's going to have to be his choice. I don't want him to choose me now because he feels obligated to do so. Because he feels like he has to make up for something because he missed everything that was going on around him.”

 

Morgana nodded at that. It sounded like her brother still had some pride left. “Well what are you going to do.”

 

“Apparently you already know.” Arthur responded raising a brow at his sister.

 

Morgana had the good grace to look guilty. “Oh, you heard that part eh?”

 

Arthur shook his head at his scheming sister before answering. “Yes, I heard that, but for once, and you better write this down on your calendar, I agree with you.”

 

**

 

“Soph!” Will yelled from across the house, by Merlin's door, “did you see my blue shirt?”

 

Sophia, probably calling from the other side of the house, considering her octave range, replied, “in the dryer!”

 

“Thanks!”

 

Merlin knew that he had a good ten minutes to think before anyone barged in. If Will was searching for clothes, that meant there was still time. Merlin laid on the bed, turned to his side, nearest to the wall, and thought about his and Will's conversation from the previous evening.

 

“ _Let me ask you another question.” Will asked, tone careful._

 

“ _What is it Will?” Merlin responded._

 

“ _Why do you think Arthur hasn't dated in years?”_

 

 _Merlin scratched his head before answering. “I've asked him that over the years, but he always said that he was not a casual dater. That when he does date it was going to be for keeps, and it was going to be with_ the one _.”_

 

“ _And what did you think about that?” Will asked, continuing his caution. “Please God, let him get it.”_

_Will prayed silently._

 

“ _I thought it was admirable, but that's Arthur. He wouldn't want to waste his time on a fling.” Merlin replied._

 

“ _But you would?” Will threw out there._

 

_Merlin took a few seconds more than normal before speaking. “I'm not Arthur.” Was Merlin's only response. Now we might just be getting somewhere, Will thought._

 

“ _No, no you're not. But what if Arthur found someone that he could be serious about? How would you feel about that?”_

 

_Merlin took another sip of his tea, sat it down on the coffee table, sat back in his seat, and scratched the back of his neck before answering. “I guess I would have to be happy for him then, wouldn't I?”_

 

“ _But how would you feel personally, Merls?”_

 

“ _Will, I honestly don't know. What are you on about?” Merlin said in agitation._

 

“ _I want to know how you would feel if Arthur brought a date home, that he liked, introduced him to you, and allowed that bloke to take Arthur back to his room to shag his brains out?” Will responded, in exasperation._

 

“ _I really try not to entertain the thought of Arthur getting shagged Will -”_

 

_Will shakes his head and cuts Merlin off. “Answer the question, Merls. How would you feel if you were in your room while you heard Arthur getting his brains shagged out by someone he actually liked?”_

 

“ _I don't know because it's never happened before. Any date that Arthur's had when we were younger was never an overnight guest that he was serious about.”_

 

“ _This is so fucking frustrating.” Will said finally, more to himself, but continued. “Merls, do you see that you've never answered a direct question in regards to how you feel about Arthur?”_

 

“ _I did -”_

 

“ _No, you bull-shitted around it. I've been asking you about you're feelings for Arthur this entire time, and it's never processed in your mind. Uther always did say you had a mental affliction.” Will said while pacing the floor._

 

“ _Now hey -”_

 

“ _I mean, really? I ask you direct questions and you don't want to address it. You miss everything of importance that happens around you, and you refuse to be confrontational. Unless you've known the person for a long time.” Will didn't stop pushing because sometimes a thrown of balance Merlin was easier to get information out of. An angry Merlin would be even better. And if he could just continue pushing, Merlin wouldn't have time to think up his well calculated answers._

 

“ _Will, I don't know what you're talking about.”_

 

“ _Merls, have you ever thought about Arthur in any other way aside from being a friend?”_

 

“ _A brother -”_

 

“ _Aside from that?”_

 

_Will could see the shutters closing in on Merls. He could see that this was a subject that Merls didn't want to touch, and he could see that he only had a short window of opportunity before he would be left without a real answer at all, again._

 

“ _Could you see Arthur as boyfriend material?” Will asked._

 

_Merlin swallowed before getting frustrated and speaking, “Of course he's good boyfriend material, Will. He's all of the combinations rolled into one of a good boyfriend. What does that have to do with me, and the questions you're asking me?”_

 

_Will sighed. Sometimes Merls really did make him tired, he wondered if it was done intentionally -it wasn't, but he also smiled because he finally found an opening. Why didn't he consider this line of questioning before? But then he thought about wife, little girl, job, Merls' work, his always being with Arthur – if he wasn't on dates - and realized there was no time to. Will ignored Merlin's second question and responded to the first. “If Arthur's good boyfriend material, how come you've never considered him as a prospect for you?”_

 

_Merlin shot up from the coach, grabbed his cup, and headed off into the kitchen saying, “what the fuck Will! He's my best friend.”_

 

“ _Best friends date all of the time, Merls.” Will pointed out._

 

“ _Not if they want to stay best friends.” Was Merlin's only response as he slammed the kettle back on the stove again to bring it to a boil._

 

_Closer, Will thought before speaking again. “And what if Arthur wanted to change that?”_

 

_Merlin had his palms resting against the counter leaning into it. His head was bowed, but he answered. “Arthur wouldn't want to change that. We've been friends forever.”_

 

_Will did a very good impersonation of Gaius, unbeknownst to himself behind Merlin's back before continuing. “Are you fucking kidding me? Do you really not see? Do you not even see your worth to Arthur at all, or how - or why - he could possibly want to change your status between you?!” Will should have known not to come round while he was tired. He knew he was just going to spill the beans somehow. And Soph was going to kill him. He may not be having sex again until Aries goes off to uni, twelve years from now. Damn! Merls better make this worth it in the end._

 

“ _Will, Arthur and I have always been friends.” Merlin breathed in deeply before continuing, “He's never told me that he wanted anything different and why would he? He has his pick of just about any male_ or woman _mind, and in case you have forgotten, Arthur, is_ bi _. And the question that stands out most importantly here is why would he want me with so many other options available?”_

 

_Will decided to answer the first question now, and to address the last one later. Number one seemed to be going in his favor. for now, and those other questions seemed to be Merl's way to circumvent his way around the Will's specific questions, and Will, was losing patience. Merl's definitely chose the wrong profession. He should have been a special agent. He could bull crap his way out of anything, and leave you walking out not knowing what was said, but one thing would be for certain, you'd never get the answer you were looking for. Well, Arthur always seemed to manage - and despite it all so did Will, and their friends - with the exception of the answer to this question. Will shook his head before continuing.“If he did tell you would you have even noticed Merls?”_

 

“ _Despite what people say Will I am not an idiot!”_

 

_And oh did Merls walk right into that one. Will didn't take the plunge though, but continued. “If a bloke gave you flowers would you notice, if he brought you chocolates, or made you a candlelight dinner would you notice the romantic intent?”Will knew the answer, but he was getting somewhere with this._

 

“ _Of course I would notice!”_

 

“ _Would you notice it if Arthur did those things for you?”_

 

_Merlin froze, and Will wanted to sing hallelujah. But he continued to press. “Did you ever stop to notice why Arthur would serve you breakfast in bed after a hard night at work serving you you're favorites on a breakfast tray? Do you not notice the small vase that he places on it with a single rose? Sometimes red and sometimes blue?”_

 

_Merlin nodded, but otherwise remained silent. Will continued._

 

“ _Do you know that those rose colors mean?”_

 

_Merlin shook his head._

 

“ _A single red rose means 'I love you,' and the meaning behind a single rose means utmost devotion. Sometimes, depending on his moods, I would notice when I'd pop by over the years that he would purchased blue roses too for you. Do you know what that means?”_

 

_Merlin shook his head._

 

“ _The blue rose means 'the unattainable, the impossible.'” Arthur was the one who actually taught Will the meaning behind the rose colors. Will makes it a point to buy Soph pink roses once a month. They signify perfect happiness and gratitude._

 

_Merlin closed his eyes tight, and Will watched his skin color go completely pale. He was in shock, but Will couldn't stop._

 

“ _There's other little things that he does for you too.” Will said quietly. “He takes your car for maintenance and makes sure that everything is running smoothly, he makes sure that you're fed, he does your laundry, and comes by your work sometimes to take you out or to bring you leftovers.” Will sucked in a breath before asking, “do you really think he does that for everyone else?” Will asks in a soft tone._

 

_Merlin eyes have gone soft now, and Will is able to tell that Merls is chewing the inside of his cheek, but at least he's processing the information. “He does help out everyone else, Will. Even down to the babysitting. I don't know how he does it with work and everything else, but he does it.” Merlin shook his head and tugged at his hair before asking, “what are you trying to tell Will. That you think Arthur is in love with me?”_

 

 _That's probably as close to the answer from Merls as Will is going to get, and Will mentally gave himself a pat on the back. But he couldn't let the moment go without going just a little but further. “That's not the important question here._ Will had given away enough information. _The important question would be what would you do if he was?”_

 

“ _I don't..” Merlin swallowed. “I don't know.”_

 

“ _How could you not know?” Will pressed._

 

“ _Because I never entertained that Arthur would have seen me like that, Will. We've been friends forever and I've accepted that. He's my very best friend with the exception of you. And he was straight for a long time after we met, or so I thought. I never entertained that he would see me that way, and being gay from the jump when we met made me push any idea - of more - away as deep, and as far as the eye could see. I loved him too much as a friend, and I never revisited the thought. Arthur's always done all sorts of sweet things for me, even before he was bi, why would I start to think it meant anything different now?”_

 

“ _Oh I don't know, maybe because things_ have _been different for years now. Also, Arthur may have always done sweet things for you, but things have definitely looked different over the years. Gestures, more grander and all that lot. And Arthur hasn't been the same Arthur in over a year and a half. Sure, he's been going through things for the past several years, but things have been hitting much harder ever since then.” Will rubbed his forehead and sat at the island table in the kitchen before continuing. “Did something happen a year and a half a go?”_

 

“ _To Arthur, no, Arthur's been fine.” Merlin responded in a knowing tone. Merlin always prided himself in knowing everything that was going on with Arthur, until now._

 

“ _What about to you? Anything significant happened?” Will raised a brow._

 

_Merlin scratched his chin and then played with the end of his t-shirt nervously before answering, “I got a marriage proposal.”_

 

“ _How come you didn't tell me about it?” Will asked, eyes wide, turning his full gaze on Merlin._

 

_Merlin swallowed, hard, before continuing. “He wasn't the one, it wasn't a big deal.”_

 

“ _A marriage proposal is a big deal whether you say yes or no. Tell me about it.”_

 

“ _He was another doctor who transferred from the states to perform a delicate heart surgery for a friend. He stayed for three months while he walked his friend through the early stages of their recovery. We got together_ a lot _.” Merlin said with a smile._

 

“ _Go on.” Will pressed, knowing just what 'got together a lot,' meant._

 

“ _He fell in love with me, or so he said he had, and at the end of the three months he asked me to move to the states with him, to marry him.”_

 

“ _And what did you say?”_

 

“ _I told him that I couldn't. I couldn't leave my work, my friends, my family, all of you, and Arthur...” Merlin shook his head. “I liked Robert, a lot, but I didn't love him. At least not enough for that, no.” Merlin shook his head again._

 

_A thought came to mind then. “Did Arthur know?”_

 

_Merlin paused. “I didn't tell him immediately, I was going to, but he confronted me before I got a chance to say anything, before Robert was heading back to the states. He overheard the proposal somehow - we were at the flat at the time he gave it - and wanted to know what my decision would be.”_

 

“ _And what did you say?”_

 

“ _I said...I said that I didn't love Robert enough to make that kind of commitment.”_

 

“ _So you admitted to being in love with him?”_

 

“ _Will, I just finished telling you that I liked Robert a lot, but that I didn't love him -”_

 

“ _That's not what you told Arthur -”_

 

“ _It's what I meant.” Merlin yelled. “Arthur knows me well enough by now to read between the lines.” Merlin rubbed his temples. Merlin had no right to rub his temples “My head is starting to hurt.”_

 

_His and Will's both_

 

_Will led Merlin back into Merlin's room and instructed him to pack an overnight pack._

 

“ _Why?”_

 

“ _Because you're staying the night with me, Soph, and Aries.”_

 

“ _But what if -”_

 

“ _Arthur's staying the night at Morgana's.”_

 

“ _But we still have to go get Soph -”_

 

“ _Yeah, we do, do you want to -”_

 

“ _I can't see anyone right now, Will, and based on everything you just said it sounds like they may not want to see me either -”_

 

“ _They're your friends -”_

 

“ _Mine and Arthur's. He needs their support right now -”_

 

“ _And you don't?”_

 

_Merlin looked at Will tiredly and sat on his bed. “Everything's not about me Will. If I wasn't sure that Arthur wouldn't want to see me right now I would be the first one there.” Merlin replied, and rubbed his face with his hands before continuing. “I guess if you bury your head in the sand for long enough from the things that happens around you - I guess eventually - it really happens.”_

 

“ _What is that supposed to mean?_

 

_Merlin laid back on his bed before answering. “It means I'm a horrible friend if I've missed everything that you've hinted at.”_

 

“ _Your not a horrible -”_

 

“ _Yes, I've kept such a tight hold on my emotions and keeping things at bay around me that I managed to completely lose sight of the important things, the obvious things.”_

 

“ _That's not true -”_

 

_Merlin sat up on his elbows and raised a brow._

 

_Will rephrased. “It's not entirely true. For the most part you know everything going on around you. You are an excellent doctor, you're always there for everyone, and you're the best of friends.”_

 

“ _But...” Merlin prompted._

 

“ _Why don't you tell me.” Will prompted back._

 

_Merlin laid back down. “But I entirely missed the boat on genuine feelings and on reading between the lines for hidden meanings. And apparently, I've been so wrapped up in my own quest for Mr. Right that I neglected to see my best friend falling apart right before my very eyes.” Merlin grabbed a pillow and covered his face before speaking again. It came out muffled. “Kill me now! How could I have missed everything?”_

 

_Will had no idea, but the burying your head in the sand rung some past alarms. He'd have to think that one over on the drive to Morgana's. He replied instead, “Come on, get you're shit together. We have to hurry before Soph tears me a new one.”_

 

_Merlin removed the pillow. “But what am I going to do?”_

 

“ _Tonight? Nothing. Arthur's out cold. You're coming to mine, there's nothing you can do, but think about how you're going to dig yourself out of this mess.”_

 

“ _And then?”_

 

“ _And then, I think you need to sort out you're own feelings for once.” Will said finally._

 

 

One things for certain, Merlin thought as he rose out of the bed in Will and Sophia's guestroom, he wouldn't be able to focus on much of anything without speaking with Arthur first.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A penny for your thoughts.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is also unbeta'd so if you see anything please feel free to point it out, and I will make the corrections. This is another lengthy chapter so mistakes could be easily missed.
> 
> Again, I am loving everyone's comments, and seeing the story from your different perspectives. I will be replying to your comments shortly, but I wanted to get this chapter posted first.

“Soph!” Will yelled, “I can't find Aries' shoes to match with her red and black dress.”

 

Sophia rolled her eyes from where she stood in the kitchen making breakfast. “Did you _try_ looking in the front closet? She may have put them there instead of in her bedroom.” Sophia replied back, not so much in a yell, but her irritable tone was clear.

 

Thirty seconds later. “Thanks!” Will yelled.

 

Sophia didn't reply. They go through this every morning, and she knew that her husband wasn't finished yet.

 

Ten seconds later.

 

“Soph!” Will yelled again. “Where did you put Aries' hair brush?”

 

Merlin was walking into the kitchen at the same time Sophia was about to roll her eyes again, but she stopped to give him a smile before yelling back to Will. “Try looking in her bathroom!” Sophia and Merlin looked at each other for a moment before bursting out into laughter.

 

“Do you really go through this every morning?” Merlin asked in astonishment, holding his stomach.

 

Sophia nodded while trying to calm back down from the laughing. “Every morning without fail.” After a few more giggles. “You see, I cook the breakfast while Will get's Aries ready for school. That's our routine but in all actuality,” Sophia leans in close to Merlin as if to share some important secret. “I'm the one who gets them both ready. It's really a day in the life of a wife you see, we just make our men _think_ their contributing.” Sophia concluded with a smirk.

 

Merlin didn't know what to say to that. He tried for. “And does it work?”

 

Sophia raised her right hand for silence, and left it raised. She lowered one finger at a time as if ticking off seconds, when she got to the zero. “Soph!” Will yelled again, from Aries' room this time. “Aries' hair is getting tangled in the brush, and she refuses to let me brush it anymore claiming that it will be knotted beyond repair, and that you will be forced to cut it.”

 

Sophia turned her full gaze on to Merlin with the expression of, “See what I mean?” written all over her face. Merlin had to concede to her point.

 

Sophia didn't respond to Will right away. She only muttered looking at the floor, “And this is why I made English-Muffin Egg Pizzas for breakfast.” And then, in response to Will, “coming.”

 

“Do you need me to do anything?” Merlin asked, in an attempt to be helpful.

 

Sophia looked alarmed. “Yes, don't touch anything that can burn my kitchen down.” And then, after a brief moment of consideration, and seeing Merlin crestfallen expression, “why don't you finish toasting the English-Muffins. Two for you, two for Will, and one each for myself and Aries. Everything else is finished. I timed it to Will's ramblings.”

 

Merlin chuckled. “You two know each other so well.” His tone, wistful.

 

Sophia squeezed Merlin's shoulder as she began to make her journey to Aries' room, but she paused to reply. “That's what happens after 6+ years of marriage.” And then she hesitated. “Not much different from what you have with Arthur, and you've known him longer.” She didn't stay for a reply. And Merlin was glad for the reprieve.

 

**

 

It only took a few minutes to get everything sorted once Sophia got involved, and one more minute before everyone made their way to the kitchen.

 

“Uncle Merlin.” Aries said with a bright smile. “I didn't know that you were here.”

 

Merlin smiled back just as brightly before picking the six year old up, and giving her a big hug. “That's because you were asleep last night when we picked you up from Auntie Viv's, Pumpkin.” Merlin replied. Aries was adorable. She looked like Sophia spit her out, and she had all of Sophia's proper personality, with all of the attitude of Will. It was a volatile combination, but what else would you expect from Will and Sophia?

 

Aries put a serious expression on her face - like a big girl - for a moment, before leaning in and whispering in Merlin's ear. “Are you and Uncle Arthur having a fight?”

 

Merlin sucked in a breath for a moment before asking, “what makes you think that?”

 

Aries leaned in a little closer after glancing to see Sophia and Will putting the pizzas together before answering, “we overheard Auntie Viv on the phone last night. She said that Uncle Arthur left because he didn't want to see you, and that you messed up really bad.” Hazel brown eyes stared at Merlin's at the moment - ocean blues, while waiting for a response.

 

Merlin swallowed, looked back to see that Will and Sophia were still occupied, and paying them no mind, and responded, “sometimes, Aries. Sometimes adults have a difference of opinion, or we end up not saying things that are very important for the other to hear, do you understand what I mean?”

 

Aries didn't seem to buy the explanation.

 

Aries nodded her head in understanding before looking even more serious, and folding her arms to her chest, even while being held by Merlin. “I understand.” She paused. “I understand you messed up. That must be why you spent a night over here.” And that's Sophia perceptiveness, along with the Will side - of call it like you see it - all rolled into one.

 

And what could Merlin say to that?

 

Aries continued, “you promise to make it right?”

 

Merlin smiled, when did she grow up so much? “I promise I will try. I can't promise for Uncle Arthur though. We all have our own choices to make.” Merlin shrugged while setting Aries back on the floor.

 

“But Uncle Arthur does anything you say, mommy says so all the time.” Aries protested.

 

We adults really need to screen what we say around the children, Merlin thought. He shook his head before responding, honestly. “Uncle Arthur is upset with me, Aries. When he's upset, the normal way he reacts to me is no longer on the table.” Merlin knelt down to Aries' height. “Can you understand that?”

 

“I understand, but make it right before Christmas okay, Uncle Merlin?” Aries asked in a pleading tone.

 

Merlin tried for a smile again, it turned out to be a grimace, but still managed a reply of, “okay.”

 

**

 

Breakfast was served and on the table, along with coffee for the adults, and orange juice for Aries. The English-Muffin Egg Pizzas were made with sliced grilled tomatoes, sliced hard boiled eggs, and shredded mozzarella cheese.

 

As they sat around the kitchen table it was Sophia who broached the conversation first. “So Merlin,” she asked while taking a sip of her coffee, “what are you going to do today?”

 

Merlin finished chewing his pizza before answering, “I guess I'm going to have to see if Arthur will speak to me.”

 

“You know that he will.” Will responded easily.

 

“I know that he will, but I don't know if Morgana will let him.” Merlin replied just as easily.

 

“She'll do what Arthur allows.” Sophia replied.

 

Merlin shrugged. “Maybe, I also called my mum before I came out here. I told her that I was going to stop by. That I wanted to see a friendly face.”

 

“And we're not friendly faces?” Sophia asked with a smile.

 

Merlin laughed. “Yes, you are, but sometimes - in times like this - you need to speak with your mum.” Merlin finished, taking a hand and rubbing at his forehead. “She'll be able to help me with what I need to say, she always knows the right thing to say.”

 

“The only right thing to say right now is the truth,” Will replied. “Did you think about your feelings for Arthur like I asked you to?” Will asked.

 

Merlin nodded.

 

“And?” Sophia prompted.

 

Merlin looked at them all, even Aries was waiting for a response.

 

“And, I need to speak with Arthur before I can say anything about it.” Merlin said honestly.

 

“Fair enough,” Sophia responded. While Will said, “As long as you do.”

 

**

 

Arthur woke up shaky, dizzy, nauseated, and with the room slightly spinning. If he suffered from vertigo he'd be worried right now. He waited the dizziness out by keeping a fixed point on a tiny crack in the ceiling. It took about five minutes before everything calmed down, and went back into focus. He then turned to look at the clock, saw it was noon, and promptly cursed himself. Father would be worried, was Arthur's thought. Arthur, despite how he's been on the inside, has been to work at 9:00 sharp every morning, five days a week, without missing a meeting, and has done his work to his father's satisfaction, even while being torn up on the inside. It maybe evident that he works through lunch, but Arthur could hide behind a busy schedule with that. But anything else...He's a Pendragon, and if Uther sensed weakness he would jump on it. Arthur couldn't afford that. And he definitely couldn't afford Uther finding out the reason why he's been slightly dying inside. Just thinking about it made Arthur's chest hurt, and he didn't even focus on thinking about what to do with Merlin yet. Arthur groaned, pulled back his blanket, and got out of the bed. He would have to call Leon to let him know that he was running late - to make something up - and to tell his father not to worry. He had to hold the door frame of the room before moving, even his muscles ached. When he finally made it to the kitchen the first thing he saw was a hand shoving a glass of water and two paracetamols in his face. Taking it from Morgana, Arthur could only say thanks.

 

“Anytime.” Was her reply, before she started the coffee pot.

 

“Work?” Arthur said while swallowing his pills.

 

“Called father and told him that we were working from home today. I also got Leon to forward anything important for you to your email.”

 

“Thanks,” Arthur said again, before he took his seat at the kitchen table, and placed his elbows on it to rest his head in his hands. Sensing the silence Arthur asked, “what else?”

 

Morgana took a seat across from Arthur before replying, “I told father how overworked you've been, and brought to his attention that you haven't taken a vacation this year -”

 

Arthur raised his head quickly, _and did that hurt_ , eyes widened he shrieked, “you did what?!”

 

“Relax,” Morgana said while reaching other the table to grab Arthur's hands in hers. His was already starting to shake in panic, she squeezed them firmly in hers before continuing, “I planted it in his head like it was his idea.” Morgana squeezed his hand again before adding, “it's the oldest trick in the book.”

 

Arthur looked sideways at Morgana before replying, “really?”

 

She nodded aggressively and added, “I learned it from you, and then I tweaked to suit me so that I could use it on you too.” Morgana replied with no shame.

 

Arthur shook his head, and looked at her incredulously before replying, “why does that not surprise me?”

 

Morgana let go of Arthur's hands after one more firm squeeze to put four slices of bread in the toaster, and to prepare two cups of coffee. She replied while doing so, “Oh hush it, you're missing the point here dear brother.”

 

Arthur folded his arms across his chest, and raised a brow - fortunately that did not hurt - before asking, “and what is the point dear sister?”

 

Morgana raised a defiant brow right back at Arthur before answering, “the point is that our father is giving you a week and a half off for vacation.”

 

That shocked Arthur. “He is?”

 

Morgana nodded before turning around after the toast popped from the toaster. “He is. He even said you could take more time if you needed. That you did such an excellent job with the merger between Bayard and Odin that you deserved the time off. He would have probably gone out and bought you a new car if I continued.” Morgana said with a chuckle, as she buttered the toast before making her way over to putting cream and sugar in their coffee. She was too quiet.

 

Arthur prompted. “And...”

 

Morgana turned back to him with a smirk that only said, “you know me all too well, dear brother,” before responding, “and I've booked you at a resort, you're plane leaves the day after tomorrow.”

 

Arthur unfolded his arms and sat back in his chair, he ran a hand through his hair, and then looked at the kitchen table. Finally he looked back up at Morgana before asking, “when did you do all of this?”

 

“While you were sleeping of course. And I even spoke with my therapist friend. Her name's Nimueh Lake, we met at one of our Pendragon functions some years back, and have been friends ever since.” Morgana said while placing four slices of toast in front of Arthur along with a cup of coffee, she sat across from him with her cup of coffee, and took a sip, before continuing. “She said she knew our mother. She has to be at least fifty, but doesn't look a day over twenty-five. There must be some magical cream out there that I haven't come across.” Morgana said wistfully before adding, “you'll like her, even Morgause does.”

 

Arthur rolled his eyes internally. “Well, if Morgause likes her than I'm definitely going to love her.” Arthur said sarcastically while biting hard into his toast.”

 

Morgana pointed a finger and raised a brow, “shut it you. It doesn't matter what our cousin thinks, you're opinion is just as important to me too, and you know it. But anyway, Nimueh recommended the resort spot because there is also a therapist on sight, and a chef that makes the food to help build back some of the nutrients that are lost where eating disorders are concerned -”

 

Arthur raised a hand. “Are you sending me to some sort of sanitarium?”

 

“Gods no, Arthur. Why would I do that to you, so that you could return the favor to me one day? I would never do that. Unless you wanted me to...” Morgana trailed off. Arthur shook his head.

 

“Where is this place?” Was his next question while taking a sip of his coffee.

 

“I can't tell you.” Morgana responded firmly, while looking away briefly, and then taking another sip of her coffee.

 

Arthur looked at her in exasperation, moved his plate away, and leaned forward to ask, “I'm sorry what?”

 

“I said that I can't tell you.” Morgana replied, using her scrunchy on her wrist to tie her hair into a messy bun.

 

Arthur jaw tightened automatically, and he turned his face sideways once more to look at his sister being asking, “can't or won't?”

 

“Won't.” Morgana responded just as stubbornly.

 

“And why not?”

 

“I don't want to risk Merlin finding out, and going to you there. You'll find out on the plane.”

 

“Why the hell would he go there?”

 

Morgana ran a hand over her forehead, and then over her right brow before responding, “I don't know, but I have this feeling, and you really need to go Arthur. You need the time alone.”

 

“And what does that have to do with you not telling me?” Arthur asked, jaw still clenched.

 

Morgana gave Arthur an expression that clearly said, “really?” before answering. “You've never denied Merlin anything, if he asked, you would be the first one to tell him.”

 

Arthur's gritted his teeth to the point of pain, but didn't respond to that assessment, hence – conceding the point. Arthur shook his head, he really was pathetic. He dismissed the thought before speaking, very clearly, “fine, but if I go there and find the place is not right for me I reserve the option to leave without any pressure to stay, is that clear?”

 

Morgana smiled, she knew she had him there, because she knew the place was perfect for him. Her only words in response, “crystal.”

 

Arthur nodded before asking, “now what about Autumn's play?”

 

Morgana raised a brow before taking a sip of her coffee, clearly not following, “what about it?”

 

“Am I going to miss it?”

 

She shook her head. “No, you'll be back in plenty of time. It's all set up, and I promise you you'll love it.” Morgana grinned and added, “I expect a very nice Christmas present as a token of thanks.”

 

“If it turns out to be as you say it is I'll be happy to oblige.” Arthur said before taking another sip of his coffee. He moved his plate back in front him to eat more of his toast, and ran a hand over both brows, a thought coming across his mind. “You know that I'll have to speak to Merlin before I go right?”

 

“And that's exactly why I booked your flight, the reservation, and arranged for your time off all while you were sleeping. It was the only way to be sure that you wouldn't be able to change your mind, after speaking to Merlin.” Morgana replied, completely unrepentant by her own plotting. She knew Arthur wouldn't go back on his word, but it didn't mean that Merlin wouldn't try to convince him to stay.

 

Arthur was left speechless by Morgana's response, and clear evidence of her scheming behind his back. He could only shake his head in response, finish his breakfast, and pray that she wasn't sending him to a looney bend. But then he remembered something about returning the favor, and smiled to himself, knowing exactly what he would do to her if she did.

 

**

 

“Merlin, my boy,” Gaius said with a big smile when he answered the door, and found Merlin standing there. “Your mother said that you were coming by. It's been a while. Come on inside.”

 

“Thanks Uncle Gaius. It has been a while. I know I've been busy with work, but that's no excuse. I should definitely come by more often.” Merlin said, preoccupied, but remorseful.

 

“Oh hush, you're a big time doctor now,” Hunith said as she met them in the living room. “I'm just happy to see you,” Hunith's expression then promptly turned to worry at looking at Merlin. She gasped and asked, “look at you, you're practically skin and bones.” Hunith admonished while giving Merlin a tight hug before asking, “has Arthur been feeding you lately?”

 

Merlin paled and sucked in a breath, _something Hunith and Gaius caught immediately_ , before responding, “You always say that, and of course he does. I happen to have a fast metabolism remember? And while we're on the subject, I can take perfect care of myself too you know?” Merlin said, straightening his shoulders. He did have his pride.

 

“Sure you can my boy,” Hunith replied with a placating tone, she petted Merlin on the head as she continued, “why don't you take a seat on the sofa.” She was steering Merlin into the direction of the sofa while still speaking. Hunith then turned her head slightly, and shot a worried glance at Gaius as she said, “I'll put the kettle on for some and tea and bring out the biscuits.” She was already walking away before she finished.

 

Gaius went to take a seat beside Merlin. He rested a hand of his shoulder before asking, “Merlin, is there something wrong?”

 

“Wrong, what makes you think something is wrong? Can't I just come for a visit?”

 

“Always, you know that, but you seem like your out of sorts somehow.”

 

“I'm fine. Well not totally, but I think I'd rather wait to say anything until both you and mum are present. At least then I won't have to repeat myself.” Merlin said in response while sitting back, and dropping Gaius' hand from his shoulder. He ran a hand through his hair, and then started playing with a wayward string that was coming apart from his t-shirt. Gaius raised a brow at the nervous ticks. He didn't mention it.

 

“So, how's work?” Gaius asked, he knew that was always a safe subject, unless Merlin lost a patient.

 

“It's good. I'm taking a few days off though, got some things to sort out.” Merlin nodded, and Gaius' brow shot to his hair line.

 

He didn't say anything yet though, _wait for Hunith_ , he thought. But continued in his line of questioning. “Still liking the work in the emergency department?” Merlin's tension was clear so Gaius decided to tread lightly.

 

Merlin did smile at that. “Of course, I love the rush of it. The getting in, solving the problems, and working on the fly. I don't think I'm in a hurry to leave it yet, but when I do I'll probably set my sights on the neurosurgery department.”

 

“You'll be perfect in whatever you do, my boy.” Hunith said as she carried the tray of tea and biscuits back in, setting it down on the coffee table. She glanced at Gaius again and he shook his head slightly as in saying, “got nothing,” before she passed out the tea cups, and placed their biscuits on saucers to pass out.

 

It was quiet while they ate their biscuits and drunk their tea, the tension was palpable, and they knew that Merlin wouldn't share unless he felt backed up to a wall. And since he liked to hide away from his own thoughts, it didn't happen very often.

 

Hunith and Gaius watched in turn as Merlin went through the motions of shifting in his seat, of playing with that wayward string on his t-shirt, and as he tapped his doc martins into the carpet. It took ten minutes of silence, watching nervous ticks, and waiting before Merlin finally spoke. “Arthur and I got into a fight.”

 

Hunith was the first one to move to sit on the arm of the sofa while pulling Merlin into her for a hug. “I'm sure it's going to be alright, my boy. What did you two fight over anyway, did you forget to clean up? Or did you say something wrong?”

 

Merlin leaned away from his mum to ask, “what makes you think it was my fault?”

 

Hunith gave Merlin a look that clearly said “really? Arthur's an angel,” before replying, “because it's Arthur.”

 

Merlin shook his head before getting up and starting to pace the living room floor. Hunith slid from the arm of the chair, and sat in Merlin's previous seat. She and Gaius watched on as Merlin continued. “Could it not be something that he did? Arthur's all so perfect that he never makes a mistake?”

 

Hunith and Gaius looked at each other before Gaius said in a soft tone, “of course not. Arthur's human just like anyone else, but...” Gaius trailed off.

 

“But...” Merlin was getting tired of these but's.

 

Hunith continued, “but, Arthur would rather cut his right arm off before hurting you. So an argument that would leave you like this, one could only assume...” She trailed off.

 

“Would be my fault.” Merlin muttered, finishing Hunith's sentence.

 

“Not necessarily,” Gaius responded, before adding, “but the fact that you in this state, and the fact that you are here -”

 

“Not telling us what is wrong -” Hunith added.

 

“Makes us draw our own conclusions.” Gaius finished.

 

Merlin nodded, he couldn't argue with that. Instead he said, “Will told me something last night.”

 

“I thought you said that it was you and Arthur that got into the argument, chipmunk?” Hunith asked.

 

“Mum, I'm twenty-seven!”

 

“Never too old to be my chipmunk dear, now back to the story, you're avoiding the topic. Was it Will or was it Arthur that you had the argument with?” Hunith pressed.

 

“It was sort of both.” Merlin said while using his right hand to rub his left arm as he paused in his pacing for a moment. “Arthur is angry at me.”

 

“So you said,” was Gaius' response.

 

“He wouldn't tell me why.” Merlin continued.

 

“Did you try to ask?” Hunith asked while taking a bite of her biscuit.

 

Merlin nodded before he went back to his pacing, “I did, but he refused to tell me.” Merlin paused. “He kept saying that I should know, and that if I wasn't so wrapped up in my own life I would have.”

 

Hunith and Gaius said nothing to that.

 

It was Hunith that asked next, even though she had a feeling that she knew the answer. “And what did Will talk to you about?”

 

Merlin stopped his pacing to sit in the armchair by the fireplace. He used the palms of his hands to scrub at his eyes for a moment before answering, “he told me some things that he considered obvious that I apparently missed.”

 

Gaius leaned forward in his seat before asking, “what things?”

 

Merlin sighed, “He pointed out things that Arthur does for me on the day-to-day basis, and things that he does for me in general, and pointed it out that it should have been obvious of the intentions behind it.”

 

“And what intentions was Will trying to get you to see?” Hunith asked pensively.

 

“He didn't say it right out, but he led me to believe that Arthur was in love with me.” Merlin finished, finally looking up at Hunith and Gaius, he didn't like what he saw. Two minutes later, after Merlin's breathing got under control. “You knew.” It wasn't a question.

 

“The real question you should be asking is why didn't you know?” Hunith asked.

 

“And while you're at it why everyone else could figure it out, but you.” Gaius added.

 

“Oh my god! Does everyone know?” Merlin said as he got up again to pace.

 

“I think there are monks in Tibet, who pray daily, that are aware of Arthur's secret. It was the best non-secret secret in history. Which comes back to my original question, how could you _not_ know?” Hunith asked instead.

 

“Because he never told me!” Merlin replied with a shriek.

 

“He didn't exactly tell us either Merlin,” Gaius said with a raised brow. “Though we had it confirmed...”

 

“And he's been dropping clues at you for _years,_ Merlin. Big, massive clues. He's done everything short of getting down on one knee and proposing. Which would only be insane, because he wouldn't know what you would say as an answer.” Hunith said firmly, but carefully. Merlin pulled at his hair with both hands. “Be careful with your hair chipmunk, you'll want it when you're older.” Merlin glared at her and Hunith eyed him in disapproval until he looked apologetic before continuing, “have you tried speaking with Arthur since the fight?”

 

Merlin shook his head, plopping back in the arm chair, “no, he was missing for part of the evening, and by the way he was with me yesterday I got the impression that he didn't want to speak with me.”

 

“Merlin, he may have been upset, but he wouldn't turn you away, surely. You just have to talk with him, and you have to be honest with him. Whether you return any of those feelings for him or not.” Gaius said warmly.

 

“I'm thrown by this,” Merlin said honestly. “I didn't expect, I didn't know, and I don't know how I missed it.” Merlin shook his head. “If you listen to Will apparently I missed all of the signs, no wonder Arthur is so angry at me.” Merlin finished covering his face with his hands.

 

“I can't see Arthur as angry with you.” Hunith said knowingly. “I can only see him as being hurt and not knowing what to do.

 

“But why didn't he tell me?” Merlin rubbed his temples with his hands. “Why didn't he just tell me?”

 

“And what would you have done if he did Merlin? If you missed such major clues he would have probably had to give you a wedding ring to make it plainer. He's already done everything but say the words.” Gaius said sarcastically, Merlin glared. Gaius sighed before continuing, “Merlin have you ever considered that something might be wrong, being so oblivious when it comes to emotions and feelings that is?”

 

“Not this again Gaius,” Merlin was quick to argue. “I do not have a mental affliction, despite what Uther Pendragon likes to say!”

 

“No one said that you did chipmunk, but some of the things you've dealt with since you were younger, some of the things you deal with now.” Hunith shook her head. “I know you like to dismiss it when Gaius and I mention it to you, I know you want to be like everyone else, but there's nothing wrong with getting a little help when it's exactly what you -”

 

Merlin shot up again from his seat, “I do not have a problem.”

 

Gaius rose from his seat too this time to speak. “But think about it Merlin. You've missed important things for years with all of the hidden clues. You've missed that your best friend is in love with you. You've always closed yourself off emotionally, and while your eyes are open you close them to the happenings around you if it hurts, or you fail to understand it. You've managed to have your friends, and you are open with them, but your inner self, you keep closed off from them as well -”

 

Merlin swallowed -hard, before interjecting, “Gaius, we've had this discussion before -”

 

“Hear him out Merlin.” Hunith said firmly.

 

Gaius continued as if uninterrupted. “And by keeping yourself closed off you become unable to recognize genuine feelings being sent your way. You only see the outer appearances, but nothing that's deep down, for the most part. Now, we have had this discussion before, and you've always said no to the evaluation. If you were a minor at the time we could have done it anyway, but clear evidence of it doesn't normally show until your twenties, and coincidentally, that's when you started to show it more clearly.” Gaius sighed. “I've met a few people who have it, they can have a normal, happy life without feeling the way that you do or not noticing that their missing something. It's called an Avoidant Personality Disorder, as I've _told_ you before. What's the harm in getting it checked?”

 

“The harm is I don't have a problem?”

 

“Then prove it?” Hunith said sharply, voice raising. “You keep telling us it's not a problem, but you keep on going through life like this. We looked at the symptoms for the disorder, and you match with it. We told you before but you never seem to hear it. It's only because you're at a loss for Arthur now that you are open at all right now. We kept on asking you to take the evaluation over the years, and you've kept telling us no. And now you're telling us that you're about to lose the best thing that's ever happened to you because you've been too wrapped up to see it. Well I don't believe it.” Hunith said while standing up. “You've managed to date, and date freely, don't think I don't know.” Hunith said while raising a brow. “You're attentive with all of your friends' children, and you keep up with your friends. Mithian says that you are an excellent doctor, and that she loves working with you.” Hunith is ticking off on her fingers now. “The only thing that's wrong with you is that you've closed yourself off from your feelings, your emotions, you've blocked it to the point that it feels like pulling teeth to get a straight answer out of you. And as you blocked it from yourself, you also blocked yourself from receiving anything in return. Which means that you haven't truly addressed the questions yourself, or that you would like the answers to remain buried.” Hunith shook her head. “Now I'm putting my foot down Merlin Ambrosius Emrys. You will take that evaluation, and you will take it no later than tomorrow, today _even_ , if that's at all possible, do I make myself clear?”

 

Merlin swallowed, at a loss, but what could he actually say, he ended up saying, “yes mum.”

 

“Good.” Hunith said while going up to Merlin and pulling him down to her for a hug. “I'm sorry to push, but I don't want you going through life missing out on some of the most important things. I know you've blocked some of the things that go on around you for a reason, I've heard things. But I don't want you to close yourself off from what's important, especially something as important as love. Whether it's with Arthur or not. You've obviously missed some very important things, who knows what else you could have missed. You kept on saying everything was fine, but I can see now that I should have stepped in sooner.”

 

Merlin shook his head, “it's not your fault, mum?”

 

“Oh, I know that.” Hunith replied easily. “Gaius and I tried to get you to take the evaluation several times over the years, but I mean,” Hunith bit her bottom lip before continuing, “I should have fought you harder on it.” Hunith concluded while holding Merlin's tighter in their hug.

 

Merlin nodded, and tears were building up in his eyes. “What do I do now?”

 

Gaius came to them for their impromptu group hug before replying, “You have two things to do. One, get the evaluation. Not that it's going to solve your problems because some of your problems have nothing to do with that. But it will help you to understand why you've been missing so much, and if you do have the disorder you can get help.”

 

“And the next thing you need to do is talk to Arthur, or maybe make that the first thing. Unless you can get an evaluation done today?” Hunith said while stepping back from the hugs and touching Merlin's cheek. “You can't take to long in talking with him Merlin. Communication has been your main problem, and if you let this stay as is...”

 

Merlin nodded, she didn't have to finish. He would lose Arthur, whether it be losing his friendship or the potential for anything more, it wouldn't matter, he _would_ love him. And losing Arthur in any form would tear Merlin's world apart forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And in case you're wondering there really is a social disorder for being oblivious. Of course, textbook situations may vary for each individual, but it is real. This is just one of the websites that I found: http://www.treatment4addiction.com/conditions-disorders/personality/avoidant/#
> 
> I just want to note that this does not mean that Merlin has this condition. Hunith and Gaius has seen signs of it that has affected Merlin socially. And since he's always refused to be checked, they never knew for certain. There is also one more thing that makes them think that way. It will be revealed in the next chapter, but please bare with me. I am getting somewhere with this. And there will be a happy ending that comes out of this story, in case anyone was concerned.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't post yesterday, but this was a mammoth of a chapter, and after last chapter - I thought it best to post it as one. Separating any part of it may have caused some confusion. I hope the word count makes up for things. Once again, this is unbeta'd. If you see anything that stands out please feel free to tell me, and I will make the corrections. After so many words, the sentences start to run together. But I tried my best to go through it, and several times at that. 
> 
> Please note, I am not a doctor. I have done a lot of Google searches, pulled information from personal stories and/or testimonies, and read information posted from doctor's or writers that posted on the subject matter itself. Along with symptoms, diagnosis, and treatment information. It doesn't mean the symptoms will be matched word for word. In fact, that's not how it works, as each individual is different. They may have some classic traits, but some people react to conditions differently, and not all symptoms match evenly. But I will stop rambling. This chapter is 95% A/M interaction, and it's got a lot of angst. I hope it answers more of your questions, and I hope you enjoy it. And please don't be mad at me.
> 
> Warnings: for past verbal and physical abuse

30 minutes ago

 

“ _Okay, I just got off the phone with Morgana, and she said that she just finished dropping Arthur off to get situated and to pack?”_

 

“ _Where's he going?”Merlin asked, cursing himself, he needed to speak with Arthur._

 

_Will shrugged, “I don't know. She was vague about it. She just said that Arthur wanted some time alone, and that he needed time to pack. His flight leaves tomorrow morning, I think.”_

 

“ _Why so soon?”Merlin questioned._

 

_Will shrugged again. “I don't know.”_

 

“ _Helpful Will.”_

 

“ _That's all I've got.” Will said, with another shrug. “For all I know she booked it so soon to make sure that he didn't change his mind. Morgana's always been sneaky like that.” Merlin couldn't help but agree silently._

 

_Hunith and Gaius listened to their exchange before Hunith pulled Merlin to her, placing both of her hands on his shoulders. “Merlin, when you speak with Arthur you need to tell him everything. Not parts, you need to be completely honestly with him. Remember what the doctor said.” Hunith said urgently._

 

_Merlin ran a hand through his hair before responding, “mum, he didn't say - completely - that I had -”_

 

“ _He said enough Merlin.” Hunith cut Merlin off with a frown before continuing. “It may not have been what Gaius and I suspected it was, but we weren't very far off the mark. And some of your problems can be problematic over time, especially if you never faced up to any of it. You need to be honest with Arthur. And make sure that you follow up with Dr. Monmouth's schedule. He said that therapy would be the best way to confront your issues.” Hunith finished._

 

“ _Yes, mum.”_

 

“ _And don't think I won't know if you don't.” Hunith said sternly, as she moved her hands from Merlin's shoulders to walk to the car to sit down._

 

“ _Yes, mum.” Merlin replied on automatic. Hunith noticed._

 

“ _And don't yes, mum me Merlin Emrys.”_

 

“ _Yes...” Merlin trailed off, and Gaius laughed._

 

“ _She's just worried about you, my boy.” Gaius said as he pulled Merlin into a hug._

 

_Merlin sighed. “She needn't worry about me.”_

 

“ _Than prove to her that she doesn't need to.” Gaius said with a raised brow._

 

_Merlin nodded. “Thanks Gaius.”_

 

“ _No problem,” Gaius replied, as he leaned closer. “And she_ will _check in so make sure that you adhere to your appointments with Dr. Monmouth. She's always felt responsible for listening to you the first time when you said you were okay, and that you didn't need to see a therapist.”_

 

“ _But I didn't -”_

 

“ _I think she just established and got confirmation that you did.” Gaius frowned. “As they said, doctor's are the worst patients. Just do us both a favor and follow through. We just want to see you happy. That's the most important thing here. That and you cleaning up your messes.”_

 

“ _Everything always ends up being my fault.” Merlin said wistfully._

 

“ _Not everything. And we would be the first to defend you. However in this case, I think you know what you need to do.” Gaius finished, looking at Merlin knowingly._

 

_Merlin nodded again._

 

“ _Take care my boy.” Gaius said, as he hugged Merlin one more time before getting into the car._

 

_Hunith stepped back out one more time. “Come here, chipmunk.” She said before pulling him down for a hug. “I know you think I've been hard on you, but you would have never addressed any of those things if it weren't for me, Gaius, and Will being present. I just worry about you.”_

 

“ _I know mum.”_

 

“ _Now go fix things with Arthur. I know how much he means to you.” Hunith said, as she ruffled Merlin's hair before she slid into the driver's side of the car._

 

_Merlin swallowed and nodded._

 

_Will came up behind him. “Come on, Merls. We don't know how much longer Arthur's going to stay at the flat. He's practically given control away to the White Queen. That means she can come back on her broom at any time.”_

 

_And that's all Merlin needed. He smiled one more time to Hunith and Gaius waving them good-bye, as they pulled off, and followed behind Will to face up to his fears._

 

 

_**_

 

Will dropped him off in the driveway asking if Merlin needed support. He didn't come for Arthur because he already made plans to drop by Morgana's later with Sophia. Apparently everyone made plans with everyone, but Merlin. No one called to check on him with the exception of Will, Sophia, Mithian, and Lance. It was clear where everyone's bread was buttered.

 

It took a good five minutes of Merlin standing at his and Arthur's front door to their flat before he attempted to open the door. He'd done his pacing already, spending all day with Hunith, Gaius, and Will while speaking with Dr. Monmouth. If it wasn't for Will checking in with Morgana, Merlin would have never known that Arthur was at home packing. And why was he packing? Where was he going? Will said not even Sophia knew where Arthur was headed. One thing was for certain. It didn't show any promise for Merlin if Arthur was leaving now.

 

Merlin finally got the nerve to open the door. And on close inspection, everything was left as it was from the night before. Merlin cleared his throat. “Arthur?”

 

There was a long pause before any answer was given. “In here.” Arthur said gruffly. Merlin could almost hear Arthur's sigh that followed after.

 

It was like walking the green mile as he journeyed to Arthur's bedroom.

 

Arthur was wearing an over-sized dark grey sweatsuit, with a pair of his gym sneakers. He remembered when that sweatsuit fitted snugly on Arthur. _God, how did he miss it?_ Merlin sucked in a breath, and answered his own silent question. _Maybe because he made it a point not to look at Arthur's body that closely a long time ago._ It was only a month ago that he went to check on Arthur one night to see if he was awake, the covers and sheets were kicked off from Arthur's body, and he was sleeping without a shirt that he noticed the weight loss. Apparently, it was going on much longer than Merlin thought. It's clear now. And somehow. _Merlin missed it._ Arthur's suitcase was laid open, it was obvious that Arthur was doing exactly what was rumored. He was packing, he was going away. Merlin swallowed.

 

Arthur didn't look up. He walked over to his wardrobe to pull t-shirts out of it to put into his suitcase.

 

Merlin swallowed again, audibly. “Aah...hi.”

 

Arthur raised a brow, a face closed off, and completely without emotion turned to Merlin. “Hello.” Arthur said calmly as he started putting his t-shirts into the suitcase. Arthur's back looked rigid underneath his sweatshirt, like he was preparing for battle. Merlin never really attempted to go into a real battle with Arthur, never had a real reason to before, it didn't bode well.

 

“Arthur?” Merlin's voice cracked. The only thing Merlin had on his mind right now was to not mess this conversation up, and he could already see that he was off to a rotten start.

 

“Arthur, we need to talk.” Merlin tried again.

 

Arthur dropped the last of his t-shirts into his suitcase before taking a seat beside it on his bed, waving a hand to Merlin as in giving permission. Arthur's throat felt too closed, too tight to be the first one to really break the silence.

 

Merlin could only look at Arthur for a moment, before looking at the floor, then his suitcase, and finally back to Arthur's face. “I've just spent a better part of the day at the doctors with mum and Gaius.”

 

That startled Arthur. “Is Hunith alright?” He asked face slightly open in concern.

 

“Yes,” Merlin answered easily, eyes intense while focused on Arthur.

 

“Is it Gaius?” Was Arthur's second question, equal concern.

 

Merlin swallowed again, “No.”

 

Arthur's expression became worried when he asked, “Is it you, are you alright? Did something happen?”

 

Merlin shook his head. “Is not what you think.”

 

Arthur closed off again before asking, “Then what is it?”

 

Merlin ran a hand through his hair before tugging at the bottom of his t-shirt. He shifted foot to foot before saying, “I went to my mum's this morning. I told her about our fight.”

 

“Did you tell her why?” Arthur gasped out.

 

“She didn't need to know why, but I told her, and apparently it's my fault.” Merlin's jaw clenched automatically at that. He wasn't mad at Arthur. Not by any means. But to know that he did something wrong, that he was responsible for the state of his and Arthur's relationship, has torn Merlin up more than he would have allowed himself to think about. It was something he didn't have control over.

 

Arthur expression looked like he could see through Merlin, and Merlin felt like Arthur could see more of him than he actually wanted to let on. Merlin swallowed again, hard.

 

“Why did you have to go to the doctor.” Arthur asked. In his attempt to try to steer the conversation to safer topics. Little did he know, there weren't any safer topics.

 

Merlin's started chewing the inside of his cheek, as he stood in front of Arthur like a child waiting for approval. “In order for you to understand it is important that you understand what transpired prior to

that.”

 

Arthur's blues met Merlin's as they measured each other up. Arthur sensed that whatever it was that Merlin was going to tell him was definitely important. He acquiescence, before giving Merlin a nod to go ahead.

 

This was the hard part. “Last night, while everyone was looking for you, Will came to see me.”

 

And just that, Arthur knew that Merlin knew the truth by the look of sympathy in his eyes. That was exactly why he didn't want him to know. Arthur's chest immediately tightened by the thought, and his eyes visibly closed off to Merlin.

 

Merlin noticed the change. “Arthur, please, hear me out. Don't close yourself off from me like yesterday. I need for you to hear everything that I have to say, and then you can cast your judgments afterwards, okay?” _Please don't find me guilty_ , Merlin pleaded to whomever would listen.

 

Arthur eyes never truly opened back up to Merlin, but he nodded again to allow Merlin to speak. But his shoulders were stiff, and so was the muscles in his neck.

 

“When Will found me yesterday, I was devastated,” Merlin said, as he looked down at his shoes.

“I thought you hated me.” He looked up in time to see Arthur opening his mouth, and raised a hand. “I know you don't, but it felt like it anyway. I thought that I lost you, and I didn't know why.” Merlin rubbed his neck with his right hand for a moment before dropping it, and continuing. “He told...he told me some things. He didn't tell me whatever secret you were keeping from me, but... he told me enough. He painted a pretty vivid picture about roses, breakfast in bed, and you shagging some other bloke.” Arthur choked on his saliva at that. Merlin continued. “And a bunch of other stuff, by the time he finished painted the picture I understood what he meant.”

 

Arthur was trying to calm himself back down internally, heart beating faster. “He shouldn't have told you that.” He choked out.

 

“Don't you think I should have known?” Merlin couldn't help but snap.

 

“And what would have happened if you did?” Arthur snapped back in response. He could feel the palms of his hands starting to sweat.

 

“I can't really answer that now can I,” Merlin said defensively. “I wasn't really given the chance. And apparently, I am the last to know.” Merlin finished, walking himself back to the wall, turning his back to it, and sliding down onto the floor, to get in his normal safe position of tugging his legs up to his chin, and wrapping his arms around it.

 

It was always an adorable position for Arthur to look at, he had to dismiss the thought now.

 

They were both breathing hard.

 

Arthur sucked in a breath, before saying, “I didn't want you to choose me out of pity. You seemed to be quite fine dating everyone in the entire Metropolitan area. If you wanted me I would have thought that you would have noticed me.”

 

Merlin deserved some of that, but it still stung. Merlin eyes started to water as he started, “why would you think that -”

 

“Merlin,” Arthur cut him off shaking his head, “the evidence was there. After every date, after every shag, after every encounter you would come back at a square one, and then find someone else. You never took the time to look at poor available Arthur.” And that broke Arthur's heart to say.

 

“I didn't want to lose our friendship.”

 

“Did you ever think of me that way?” He looked like he was trembling. And something broke inside of Merlin as he watched on.

 

He swallowed, before nodding, and bringing up his right and hand, holding up three fingers. “Three times. Three times I entertained the notion of having you. I take that back.” Merlin shook his head and held up four fingers. “The first time was when you saved me from Valiant, like my own person knight in shining armor with blond hair or blue eyes. You don't know how much I loved looking at you.”

 

“Love(d),” Arthur muttered before Merlin jumped back in saying, “let me finish.”

 

Merlin ran his left hand through his hair, still holding his right hand up, and knocked his head on the wall to feel the pain as he was leaned against. Once he gained his bearings again, he continued. “The second time was when we were fifteen, and you threw me a surprise birthday party. My mum had already finished saying that we couldn't afford anything special that year, just a cake, some movies, but she wouldn't be able to afford any gifts.” Merlin shook his head, tugging at his t-shirt, and stared off at the memory before turning back to Arthur, with a smile. I don't know how you found out.”

 

“Will.” Was Arthur's only reply.

 

Merlin nodded, almost to himself, before saying, “it would be Will.” Merlin turned his full gaze back on Arthur before continuing, “You even got your dad involved. He let you use the pool and the staff, you invited all of our friends, my mum, Gaius, everyone. You got that huge cake, and everyone brought presents. And...” Merlin paused.

 

“And...” Arthur prompted.

 

Merlin's eyes watered some more as he focused on Arthur. “The way you looked at me. You looked at me like I was the most precious thing in the world. You always looked at me that way, but I felt so...special then.” Merlin shook his head, and used his left arm to wipe at his eyes. “I think I loved you then, but you were straight, and your friendship meant _everything_ to me. I would have never, _ever,_ done anything to ruin that.” Merlin rose up to walk to the nearest window opposite Arthur's bed. Arthur's head followed to keep Merlin within sight. “I couldn't risk it, Arthur. I just _couldn't_. So I closed it off.” Merlin turned around, and leaned himself up on the window ledge. “I've been good at burying my emotions. That's why my mum -”

 

“Tell me the rest.” Arthur said, cutting Merlin off. He felt like he waited his whole life to hear this from Merlin, and he didn't want Merlin to avoid the topic now. Not when he was finally open to talk. He could almost count the times in one hand that Merlin has actually been this open to talk about his inner most thoughts. It was a rarity.

 

Merlin nodded, he must have sensed what Arthur wanted. He continued. “Seventeen. We were going to the prom together. I never knew why you would want to take me -”

 

“We did everything together -” Arthur cut in, only to be cut back off by Merlin's, “not everything.” Things got a little more tensed.

 

Merlin continued, taking a little pleasure of seeing Arthur's skin flush, unbeknownst to himself, Merlin was sure. “You treated me like we were on a real date, and I almost treated you like we were too. If it weren't for the rant in the back of my mind saying that we weren't, and that you would never want me in that way. We had so much so much fun. And we danced, we played pranks on the others, we even went to the amusement park that was open. And then the after party...” Merlin had a big smile as he was trailed off. And Arthur could only find himself meeting it because he remembered that night. It was special to him too. Even if he wasn't bi-sexual then, it always seemed like he was  _Merlin-sexual_. Even if he never thought of it then.

 

“And the last time?” Arthur asked, getting serious again.

 

Merlin nodded to himself again before lifting himself off of the window, and sitting beside Arthur on the bed. And that was just not fair Arthur thought as he swallowed. It wasn't fair because Merlin was placing himself before him, and Arthur never had permission to touch. And if life didn't shit bricks enough Merlin leaned into Arthur's side before shifting back, still sitting close enough for Arthur to feel Merlin's body heat. _What was his life?_ Arthur thought.

 

Merlin turned his head to look at Arthur, his eyes were more open than Arthur has seen it in a long time. “We were nineteen. I brought you back home from Aithusa's, you could barely stand. You probably don't remember.” Merlin said while playing with the bottom of his t-shirt again. “I had to walk you, stumble you – you're so much bigger than I – into your room,” Merlin kept going so Arthur wouldn't cut him off saying that he wasn't fat like he normally would. And now, Merlin swallowed, that wasn't even a question anymore, nothing even to joke about. “We had to pause at your door because you almost slid out of my grasp, you were drunk, but very pliable. You looked me in my eyes, and told me that I was gorgeous. You looked at me, and told me that like you meant it. Like I was actually gorgeous to you.”

 

Merlin heard Arthur's whisper of, “you are,” but kept going. “My heart melted in that moment again. I wanted to kiss you, but I couldn't take advantage. I didn't know what you would do the next morning if I had.” Merlin said softly. “So I led you to your bed, I got you undressed, and you were in nothing else but your boxers. I looked at you.” Merlin swallowed. “You were... so beautiful. And everything that I ever wanted. And the look you gave me back, it looked like desire, that you wanted me too.” Merlin ran a hand through his hair. “I wanted to so badly, but you were my best friend.” Merlin turned to Arthur, shifting in the bed to face Arthur completely. Arthur was thrown to have Merlin's full attention set on him like that. “You have to understand Arthur, you mean _everything_ to me. If I would have done something wrong. If you would have thought less of me. If you had sent me away. I don't know what I would have done.”

 

And Arthur didn't know what to say to that. It was a good thing Merlin didn't expect him to, he continued. “I tucked you in, and ran a hand through your hair to put it back in place as best as I could, and I told you good-night. I gave myself to the next morning to see if anything you said held relevance in the daylight. You never said a thing.” Merlin finished, tapping Arthur's left arm with his forefinger. “I wanked to the thought of fucking you - or you fucking me - for a week until I got my body back under control, and forced myself never to revisit the thought again. I closed it off, locked it up, and threw away the key for fear that I would do something to mess up our friendship.” Merlin finished in a whisper.

 

Arthur's jaw clenched at that, and he ran a hand through his hair with his right hand in his own frustration. He didn't want to move his left arm, Merlin was still tapping it with his forefinger.

 

Arthur had to ask. “And what about when I came out?” Though he feared the answer.

 

“After you came out, it was too buried deep for me to do anything.” Merlin said honestly. “And you never said that you were interested, in me that is. And I was too scared then to try.” Merlin shook his head, “if you didn't think about me that way, if you would have rejected me.” Merlin shook his head again, “I put it out of my mind.”

 

Arthur didn't say anything, he was about to get up to resume packing, but Merlin grabbed his left arm to keep him seated. “There's more.” Merlin choked out.

 

“More of why you didn't want me?” Arthur snapped, hurt clear in his expression.

 

“I never said I didn't want you, Arthur. I said I didn't want to lose you.” Merlin said with a frown. “You need to know the full story. And I have to tell you while I have my nerve. Not to mention my mum will kill me if she finds out that I didn't.”

 

Arthur had the expression of, “why me?” written all over his face before asking, “what does your mum have to do with this?”

 

“ _Arthur._ ” Was all Merlin could say, voice thick, full of emotion, his Irish accent shining through, and Arthur knew that he was done for, because he could never deny Merlin anything when he called his name like, and he was sure that on some deeper level, Merlin knew this as well.

 

“Fine. Was else do you need to say?” Arthur asked, trying to keep his emotions out of his tone, he was sure that he failed. He knew he sounded hoarse.

 

“After I told my mum and Gaius what happened between us. My mum wanted to believe that I had an acute personality disorder.” Arthur raised a brow that clearly said, “really?” And Merlin nodded. When they were in sync, they needed little words. Merlin continued. “They said that I showed the classic symptoms of this because of the way that I shut myself off from everything, because of the way I've always been so oblivious. As everyone claimed that I was over the years.” Merlin started biting his inner cheek again before adding, “they thought it would explain why I missed so many important things over the years. Apparently they knew your feelings too. But they weren't only referring to that. They meant dealing with things on a personal level, along with me not dealing with the things that would hurt me, or has hurt me as well.” Merlin said, in a stressed tone. It was clear that it was a subject that Merlin didn't want to touch.

 

“I've heard of that disorder.” Arthur said thoughtfully. “I always assumed that that disorder was based on being brought up in an abusive background or by being emotionally abused during childhood?”

 

Merlin raised a brow. A little surprised.

 

It made Arthur defensive. “Hey, I read things.” Arthur said in a haughty tone. It was cute, and it made Merlin want to laugh, but he continued anyway.

 

“Fair enough.” Merlin said, still holding Arthur's left arm. “Actually, that is one of the main reasons, coupled with a few others that a doctor may check for in diagnosing APD in a patient.” Merlin said in agreement.

 

“And yet your mother -” Arthur prompted, only to have Merlin add to his thought.

 

“And Gaius -”

 

“Assumed you'd have it?” Arthur finished the sentence in a question.

 

Merlin nodded again. He was having a good time chewing his inner cheek in between sentences, but continued. “They didn't know for certain, they just always thought that there were reasons for me being so oblivious, or not wanting to confront things unconsciously, choosing to block it off instead. And some people have always called me self-absorbed, because they thought I only focused on myself because - in their opinion - I didn't pay attention to what was going on in the lives of others unless it was pinpointed out for me. And sometimes they felt I was too wrapped up in what was going on with myself too see it, to confront it. While others would think differently of course, because every subject didn't affect me, and I didn't have to share everything now, do I? It's easy to see it that way considering the fact that it's only noticeable if it centers around an event or incident that's hurt me before, the feelings of it, or something that I've buried in my mind to avoid thinking of. It doesn't cover every aspect of my life. I've overcome a good bit of it actually, but some of it is still there. And subconsciously, I've continued to avoid it.” Merlin paused, but sucked it up and continued, trying to explain. “Sometimes it would look like I was too wrapped up in myself to address it, to recognize it. When in reality, it was my way to ignore it, and to block it out.” Merlin scratched his hair. “I'm probably saying too much, but as a doctor I'm trying to break things down in my own mind to understand it everything. And some of it probably sounds clinical or detached, But I'm getting where I need to be in this, I promise.” Merlin said with a small grin, while Arthur expression was serious as he listened on. “If it was something I knew how to do without real thought or effort, it didn't affect me at. And sometimes things still occur to remind me, but I deal with it, and suppress the unwanted feelings of it afterward.” Merlin was rambling now, but he knew that he had to get it all out while he was able to. “You used to just call me an idiot when I missed things or didn't address something that you wanted me to get. The lot use to tease me, because I never really picked up on certain things from them unless it was obvious, and I've never had a successful long-term relationship.”

 

“Yes, you have -” Arthur interjected.

 

Merlin shook his head. “No, technically I didn't. Not really. Those relationships ended when there was conflict, or if I felt it was something out of my control. Out of comfort level. I made excuses, but it's true.” Merlin ran his left hand through his hair. “I didn't have to think about it until I was forced to, but now I see it. It ended when things got out of my control, or went outside of my carefully placed boundaries. Instead of fighting it out, I would walk away with some stupid reason as an excuse. Instead of trying, I feared the rejection. Some of my boyfriends even termed me emotionally deficient, or emotionally unavailable because they thought I didn't feel passionate enough about our relationship. But of course I was fun in the sack,” Merlin said with no shame, _forgtting who he was talking to at the moment_ , and I still knew how to have fun, hang out, and all that good stuff. And I did I stay in some relationships longer, but when it was time to break down my feelings, if it made me feel anything like the feelings I blocked out... That's where I would lack, and apparently, I would miss the hints of that too. I've been told that before actually. Though on some level, even though I made the attempts at those relationships, I don't think I gave in because something wasn't right. Something was always missing from it.” Merlin said while looking at Arthur.

 

“What about Robert?”

 

Merlin shook his head, understanding now the importance of what his relationship with Robert meant to Arthur. Now that he allowed himself to see it. “I never loved him. I liked him – a lot, we had a lot of fun together, but...he took it more seriously than I did, and when he mentioned moving to the states, and getting married... Well, I couldn't leave everyone behind, and I couldn't marry someone that I didn't love. And I couldn't take moving away again. The unsaid, _"it would end in disaster,_ and the, _“moving to London was enough.”_   Didn't go unmissed by Arthur.

 

Merlin lifted his legs up on the bed to fold beneath him, before continuing.

 

“But I have to explain why my mum and Gaius felt the way that they did. I have to say it before I lose the nerve.” Merlin used his the hand not holding Arthur's arm to run through his hair. “They seemed to think that the bullying and the verbal abuse throughout the years caused some of this.”

 

“I overheard Will,” Arthur nodded in remembrance. “He mentioned it to the lot because he felt like they were judging you.”

 

“He wouldn't have said it at all unless they were.” Merlin said, a little snappish before he could stop himself. He shook his head. “It doesn't matter. I think it's time for all of the secrets to get out there, yeah?”

 

Arthur nodded - hesitantly, not sure where Merlin was going with this.

 

Merlin took a deep breath before continuing. “Being criticized the way that I was, often times in front of others was humiliating for me.” Merlin sucked in a breath before continuing again. “The things that was said, about me never fitting in, never being good enough, never measuring up, and basically being a charity case did do some damage.”

 

“Now Merlin, I've never -”

 

“Here me out, Arthur” Merlin said while tightening his grip on Arthur's arm. It was going to leave fingerprint marks. “Hear me out, because no one's ever really heard me all of this before. They've overheard, got pieces of it from me, or observed it, until today when I had to face up to a lot of things because I knew I didn't have APD. But my mum forced me to see the doctor anyway because - well obviously - even if I don't have all of the symptoms of that, I definitely do have something. I need you to know everything.” Merlin said using his unoccupied hand to press into his chest. “So this is me, laying my cards on the table, and I need for you to listen before I lose my nerve, and bury it, never to recognize it again unless I feel threatened.”

 

“And you're feeling threatened now?” Arthur asked, knowingly.

 

Merlin's eyes were intense as he met Arthur's. “What do you think?”

 

Arthur swallowed, but responded with a wave of a gesture with his unoccupied hand that basically gave Merlin the okay to proceed.

 

“The verbal slurs of not being good enough cut deeper than they should have because it wasn't something that I hadn't heard before. I heard it in Ealdor for one.” Merlin swallowed before continuing in a soft tone. “I was always a withdrawn kid, a peculiar one, and a very quiet one. Will's never been quiet so we were able to offset the other. But it didn't stop the teasing, or the name calling.” Merlin said in disdain, before continuing. “The worse of this comes from something far deeper. Deep enough that my mum was going to come over here to explain it to you herself, because she knows that it's something that's never been mentioned. It was enough for my mum and Gaius to call Will to come with us to see the doctor, each giving their piece of what they've seen and observed over the years. Because... apparently, doctors make the worse patients, and Dr. Monmouth wanted all of the facts before he formed his opinion.”

 

Arthur had a feeling he wasn't going to like where this was leading. It alarmed him. At a loss for words, he listened on.

 

Merlin squeezed Arthur's arm one more time, whispering, “it's an Emrys family best kept secret,” before letting go.

 

Merlin walked back to Arthur's window to stare out into nothingness.

 

He continued before Arthur could say anything. “You know that I've always told you that my father was not in my life right?”

 

“Yes.” Arthur croaked in response.

 

“Well that's not... entirely true. He was in my life until I was eight years old.” Merlin said, as bit his bottom lip before licking it. He was standing at a side profile, Arthur followed the movement. Before dismissing the coming thought that was sure to come, and catching Merlin as he continued. “But he was verbally and physically abusive to me.” Every muscle in Arthur's body felt like it tightened in that moment. Merlin, unaware of Arthur's inner turmoil continued. “He was a carpenter you see. That's how I have that gift too,” Merlin said with a sad smile. “And that's also probably why I'm so good with my hands.” Arthur tried not to focus on that, he was still too tense, and he was afraid of where this conversation was leading, he listened on. “He used to carve and design small wooden toys: dolls, houses, cars, trains - that sort of thing. He battled Parkinson's disease long before I was born, but he became depressed by having it because he wasn't able to continue his career any longer. His hands...He started... drinking too much, and with that, he became short-tempered. He was also...” Merlin sentences became choppy as he continued. It was obvious that just talking about it was going to take a lot out of him. The rest came out rather quickly. “I was always a very clumsy child back then. If it was there, somehow it became an accident with my name on it. I had no fair share of grace until I grew older. I was always considered awkward, I didn't talk much, and I was one of those annoying kids that always asked why -- about everything. Well, that's what my father said. That I was annoying. Why did he have to have a son like me? Why did he have to have a son at all? Why did I have big ears? And big puppy dog eyes? Why did I trip over my own two feet, or leave a mess around the house constantly? And why did I cry or whine all of the time. I got hit for everything that I did wrong – in hopes it would smack the sense that I lacked into me, and was constantly told that I was useless. Of course, there were bruises,” Merlin ranted on unaware of Arthur's stunned expression. “My complexion isn't able to hide things like that, but the bruises were never anywhere that could be seen. And I was able to dress myself by the time I started getting them.”

 

“Where was your mum?” Arthur asked in a raspy tone.

 

“She worked. She had to work double time because my dad was unable to. She was also trying to pay his medical bills. Treatment could be expensive, especially for medications. And that was with her insurance. Her being an Herbalist, all into that alternative medicine crap, actually kept her pretty busy.” Merlin said with pride before continuing. “I didn't want to be a burden to her too by saying anything. And on some level, I didn't want her to feel like my dad did towards me. And when I started to withdraw my dad passed it off for wearing me out, and for my being exhausted. She was concerned, but why would she suspect? She found out when she came home early from work one evening. I was eight at the time. I think my dad was too wrapped up in being angry at me for accidentally tripping, and bumping hard into his bookshelf, causing the contents - along with his _prized_ carved dragon that was placed on top of it - to fall and break into smithereens to notice how loud he was yelling. He hit me in the back of the head that time, the force was so hard that I fell, hitting my temple into the corner of the coffee table.” Arthur's eyes squeezed shut while listening. Merlin waved his concern off with a hand. “It could have been worse, apparently I have a hard head. I wasn't out cold but the pain was horrendous, and my vision darkened temporarily. Ended up with a light concussion for that, but that's irrelevant now. My mum heard the yelling and the insults, and saw enough step in and tell my father to leave until she called him back.” Merlin shook his head as if shaking off the memory. “That night, before I went to sleep, my mum forced everything out of me.” Merlin shook his head again and sighed before saying, “I didn't know at the time, but night was the last time I would see my father." Merlin said with tears. “I assume he got his things when I went back to school. And I heard nothing of him again until he died a few years later in a car accident. He was drinking. Took another person out with him in a head on collision.” Merlin turned to Arthur wiping his eyes. “To this day I never knew what I did to him to make him hate me so much. Only his words of not being good enough stand out.”

 

Arthur swallowed, opened his mouth, but Merlin wasn't finished.

 

“Over the years, my mum started seeing certain patterns in me. Especially when I started getting bullied during my school years. The same patterns of withdrawing, of emotional detachment, and in blocking my feelings as they began to manifest. The never thinking that I was good enough, or that I would fit in always stood out. And then we moved to London. I never wanted to move to London. I didn't want to start over, and to go through the same thing again. I knew that I would, and I did.” Merlin ran both hands through his hair before continuing, “My first experience was with Valiant. And what was the first thing that he called me without even knowing? A bloody poof! Automatically telling me that I didn't _fit_ in. But then you came along,” Merlin said with a smile. “My knight in shining armor, and you always made me feel like I did. You and the lot, and Will. You loved me for me, and I valued that friendship more than the finest and most precious of golds. And your friendship Arthur.” Merlin swallowed deeply, “your friendship meant the world to me. I would do anything that you asked, I would go anywhere that you told me to, and I would sit anywhere you would sit me.” Merlin said with a laugh. Arthur didn't know what to say, but he continued to listen. It was the most open Merlin had been with him in all their years together. “If you wanted me at your house, I was there. If you wanted me to move in with you - even though I knew you were trying to _help me_ financially - I moved in.” Merlin said with a raised brow. And Arthur had the good grace to look sheepish. Merlin continued. “Because you _asked_ me to. If you wanted me to clear my calendar, that was exactly what I did. I would never have done _anything_ to lose, or _abuse_ our friendship because I loved you too much. Because you've always made me feel special. It would have never come to mind. At least, I thought that I wouldn't have.” Merlin finished with a wince.

 

“What does this have to do with everything else that you said?” Arthur had to ask. He had to know how this was relevant to their situation now.

 

“It has to do with it because it makes up everything that I am, and I why I do some of the things that I do.” Merlin said with intensity. “I may have proven my mum and Gaius wrong because I don't have APD, but I do have problems, Arthur. I have blocked some major things, and the build of everything from then to now has not allowed me to...” Merlin trailed off, only to say, “but that's not the point. The point is that there is one thing that the doctor considered from all of this, and it would explain how I never completely realized it myself, because it's something that I've done unconsciously. Due my own personal phobias as a result of everything that's happened.”

 

Arthur waited.

 

“It's not severe enough to be diagnosed with it, not yet, but it is enough to make them want me to attend therapy. To make me want to address the things that I have locked up over the years.” Merlin paused before continuing. “It's a fear of confrontation, of acceptance, and rejection to sum it up.” Merlin scratched his head. “And I have the evidence of a good bit that they pointed out. My confidence came from you. And everything that surrounds you, and our friends. I started growing on my own though in it, and continued on from there. You always made see more, want more, want to be more, and to prove the others wrong. But my other problems were still there, Arthur - hidden deep - and un-addressed. It made it easier for me to block the things that I was afraid to address too, afraid to confront. If I knew I could succeed at it, I did it with everything that I had. I can't think of any other explanation for me to have totally missed the signs that my best friend was in love with him for several years. The only thing I can think of is that I closed it off as an option so deeply that even as the signs were there I couldn't recognize it for what they were. And if I attempted, and was wrong...” Merlin trailed off again before saying, “I couldn't lose you.”

 

Arthur raised a hand to speak, but Merlin waved him off. “Oh, I still think I'm a horrible friend.” Merlin said with a frown, and disdain for himself. “What kind of friend misses all of this. Though I have to say that you did a really good job in hiding any depression from me, and apparently I did a good job in accepting that everything was fine and not reading between the lines. Being snappish is normal for you,” Merlin said like he was trying to figure it out even now. “Depression is something else. And the weight loss... there's absolutely no excuse for me in missing those things. Even my being as busy at work, and in my own life as I have been, it's no excuse. And there's nothing that I can do to make that better. All I can do is spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you.” Merlin said it like a vow. His expression intense, as if cementing his words into his own heart as a promise.

 

It was almost too much for Arthur. But his heart felt a little flutter.

 

He had to ask more, while this window was still open. While _Merlin_ was still open.

 

“But all of the other men?” Arthur had to ask.

 

“I wanted to fall in love Arthur. I wanted to be happy. I've tried over and over again, and I can make attempts. I did say when I am sure that it's a sure thing. Which is why the majority of my relationships were results of one night stands, or someone directly asking me out. I've flirted, of course. But if I thought that the goal was something so unattainable, if I thought I would ruin it if I tried, I wouldn't make it an attempt. For fear that I would lose it all together.” Merlin turned his full gaze on Arthur now, and I felt a shiver run down his spine. “To me, you are the height of everything that I could want. That's why I've probably seen you as unattainable in my own mind to try. That's also probably why I never succeeded for long in my relationships. Unconsciously, in my mind, they would never measure up.” Merlin shook his head. “Not held against you. But I never focused on it, after I buried it. And it never came to mind until I was forced to see it. When I thought I was going to lose you.”

 

And that part is what Arthur feared most. He didn't want Merlin to choose him that way. He wanted him to make up his mind without feeling forced to, and without feeling bad for his own choices. Arthur asked another question.

 

“You've always been so confident? So knowing of what you want.”

 

“I am confident. I told you that. You brought that out of me when I moved here. And I am confident on the things that you've seen me attempt to do. And as I continue to do well at things, my confidence continues to grow. But there are things that I've never attempted to do for fear that I wouldn't measure up to the expectations. It doesn't make me less confident, it makes me for lack of a better, weak. Because I've allowed it for so long.” Merlin said with a grimace. “It's something that I have to overcome, and something that I have to face. And I honestly, there's nothing a doctor can say to make me feel any less horrible than what I actually feel on my own. Not if my own fears and actions have hurt you.”

 

“And you liked me when I was still straight?” Like Arthur needed to hear it again. Merlin picked up on it and nodded.

 

“The question is how could I not, Arthur?” Merlin shook his head. “Your beautiful. You're sweet, charming, and perfect in every way to me. You will not only make the best of boyfriends Arthur, but you'll make the best of husbands. You are the _ultimate_ prize. I never would have thought that you would have seen me in that way, you were always sweet to me, and since I blocked everything – I never saw the difference when the changes came, at least, not until Will vividly pointed it out.” Merlin shook his head again. “You always did things for me, even when you were straight. You may have been showing your feelings, but I had already set you in such a place of the untouchable for fear of losing what we had that I failed to notice. And because you apparently swore everyone to secrecy, including _my own family,_ no one bothered to tell me!” Arthur could feel guilty for that, but he didn't, he had his reasons. But he can admit now that he should have told Merlin himself. Merlin was unaware of Arthur's inner thoughts as he continued, “and to top it off, I'm not really open to the obvious - in my personal life - it seems unless I start to feel threatened by the loss. You've never been that angry with me before to walk away from me. We've always been able to talk things out.” But then again, they never really argued, or had something to settle like this before.

 

Arthur opened his mouth.

 

“Except for our feelings it seems.” Merlin added, clearly sensing Arthur's thoughts.

 

Arthur conceded in that with a nod. “Yes, except that.”

 

“I would like to talk about it now.” Merlin tried to sound hopeful.

 

“I need time.” Arthur said immediately in a whisper. “I spent the last seven years, in love with you -”

 

“Seven years,” Merlin exclaimed.

 

“While you managed,” Arthur went on as if uninterrupted tugging his hair in all directions with his hands, as he shot up from his place on the bed to return to getting things from his wardrobe and closet, talking as he went. “While you managed quite well not to think of me in that way.” Arthur closed his eyes and licked his bottom lip, and this time Merlin allowed the moment to appreciate it before catching Arthur's words as he finished with, “I don't know what to think.”

 

Merlin sucked in a breath before standing in front of Arthur's suitcase, it was attempt to stop Arthur's movement from packing. Merlin knew it, and so did Arthur. “What do we do now?”

 

“I don't know, but I have to go.” Arthur said as he pulled the suitcase from where it was behind Merlin on the bed, sliding it to the other side of the bed.

 

“Why? Why do you have to go?” Merlin asked urgently.

 

“Because I'm a mess Merlin!” Arthur shrieked, as he tugged at his hair again with his hands.

 

“No, you're not.” Merlin said in another attempt.

 

“Yes, I am.” Arthur shook his head, tears beginning to fill his eyes, voice hoarse. “You only see the best in me, and I _love_ you for that, but at the same time I _resent_ you for that because you can't see that I've been dying inside.”

 

“Yes -”

 

Arthur raised a hand, tears falling now. “You couldn't see.” Arthur choked out, shaking his head. “Do you know what I've been going through? Did you even notice that I've been missing meals for months? Yes, I eat, but not enough!” Arthur said going back and forth, gathering more things to pack. “Did you know that I've been slipping into a depression? That I even contemplated _suicide_ to take myself away from the pain of never having the one thing that I wanted in the world?” Merlin's face paled completely. Arthur's voice was rising in his anxiety. “I _am_ a mess.” Arthur said again. “It's unhealthy, and I need to sort it out. And by the sounds of everything that you're telling me, _so do you_.” Arthur finished, while throwing the rest of his things into his suitcase, not concerned any longer on how neatly it was packed.

 

Merlin's legs had already given out in the middle of Arthur's words. He was sitting back on Arthur's bed, heart breaking, and at a loss of what to do or say. He had to try. “I can take anyone else's rejection, anything that anyone has to say. I can put it aside, bury it, and move on, but I can't take yours.” Merlin said, tears running down his eyes. If a heart could break twice, Merlin would have felt it, _for sure._

 

Arthur was still packing, but paused enough to see the tears running down Merlin's pale cheeks. Arthur shook his head to himself because he wasn't strong enough to fight that. He resented himself to cause it, but he had to be strong now. He had to stand his ground. Even if he were to accept Merlin – now - it wouldn't have made a difference if it were for the wrong reasons. No, Arthur said to himself, he had to do this. Arthur's tears never stopped flowing as he continued to grab his things. He could only say, “figure it out Merlin.”

 

“Do you want me to move out?” Merlin asked, heart tight in fear of the answer.

 

Arthur did pause with that question, attempting to wipe his eyes, it didn't help, the tears were a floodgate now. “No, this place is as much yours as it is mine.”

 

“Do you want me to stay away, or keep away from our friends for a little while. Or keep Mithian, Will, and Sophia?” Merlin was at a loss, he never felt so close to Arthur, and yet so far away. He realized his questions sounded like what one would discuss in a divorce proceeding when they questioned how to divide the property, and to divvy up the children for holidays, summers, and weekends. If only he could have seen this before! Merlin screamed to himself.

 

“No, everyone is as much your friends as they are mine.” Arthur said while packing the last of his things, and closing his suitcase. Arthur grabbed his suitcase, and made his way to the door, and leaned against the doorframe. He would drive himself. He couldn't wait for Morgana. He closed his eyes while resting there, using one hand to wipe the remaining tears that were threatening to fall. Merlin wasn't much different from where he was on the bed. And if only things were different.

 

And then Merlin said the words that stopped Arthur's heart.

 

“I would have said yes.” Merlin blurted out. It was a last ditch effort, and Merlin understood it for what it was. Even still, he meant it, and he had to try.

 

Arthur froze at the door.

 

Merlin continued, and Arthur was sure that he was aware of what he was doing this time. “If you had asked, I would have said yes. If I had known, I would have said yes.” Merlin said slowly and meant every word, Arthur was sure of it, but it was a few months too late for everything to be instantly okay between them at the moment. For _Arthur_ to be instantly okay. Arthur said the words that he thought would never come out of his mouth to Merlin. At least, not like this.

 

“That's almost funny hearing you say it now, it's all I've ever wanted to hear” Arthur said, with all sincerity and equal intensity, eyes piercing, but his expression started closing off before Merlin's very eyes. And in that moment, Merlin knew that it was over. Merlin waited to hear the remaining words that he knew he would always pinpoint with the time that he destroyed everything of importance. “Considering the fact that all I've ever wanted is you.” And just like that, Arthur left. And Merlin felt his world fall apart.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't fret, all hope is not lost. This needed to happen for both of them to have time to process things. All promises for a happy Merthur ending remains.
> 
> A penny for your thoughts.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your comments. I am loving to read what everyone has to say, and seeing the story from your different points of view. It also gives me the inspiration to get these chapters posted daily! Once again, this chapter is unbeta'd. If you see anything please feel free to point it out, and I will make the corrections. This chapter is shorter than the last few, and comes from Arthur and Morgana's POV. A big portion of the next chapter will mainly come from Merlin's. With that said, I hope you enjoy the chapter!

Doorbell

 

“Coming.” Morgana yelled out from Autumn's bedroom. She had just finished making Autumn's bed, and was putting her toys back in place when the doorbell ranged.

 

Doorbell

 

“I said coming, be right there.” Morgana said with a huff as she made it down the corridor, through the living room, into the anteroom, and to the front door.

 

The doorbell ranged one more time, and was just about to be ranged once more as Morgana opened the door with Morgana saying, “what the hell.”

 

Morgana was about to get angry before her anger immediately vanished as she saw who was standing there. With his clothing disheveled, hair in all directions, eyes red-rimmed, skin - pale as a ghost, and a suitcase and carryall in hand.

 

“Arthur, what the bloody hell happened to you? I just you left you not three hours ago looking just fine and decent, and now you come back to me looking like the bloody dead.”

 

Arthur couldn't face her. Couldn't look at her. In fact, at the moment, he just felt numb.

 

Morgana expression turned into concern, she shook his shoulders. “Arthur, what's wrong?”

 

Somehow that shook Arthur out of his stupor. Arthur shook his head for a good five seconds before he croaked, “Morgana, I think... I think I made a mistake.”

 

 

**

 

“What did Will do?” Morgana asked while making Arthur a turkey, ham, and cheese sandwich in the kitchen. She was in the process of adding the mayo to the sliced breads. Morgana couldn't help it. Whenever she saw Arthur she tended to force him to eat. It was a natural reaction, and as a result of seeing Arthur slowly fall apart over the years. It brought out her protective side. As it stood, as she as she brought Arthur inside, she made him shower and change. She needed him fresh and clear minded. Morgana did this before she got Arthur to tell her anything, to ensure that he _would_ tell her everything.

 

Arthur answered from his seated position at the kitchen table, bent forward, and forehead pressed onto the kitchen table. “He told Merlin about my feelings for him.”

 

That was not expected, Morgana thought, and she felt cold run through her veins. But by Arthur's demeanor upon arrival she was certain there was more. “He told your secret?”

 

“Merlin said -”

 

Morgana's lips thinned. “Merlin was there?” Ham, turkey, cheese, tomato slices, and lettuce being slapped on the bread as she asked.

 

Arthur nodded into the table. “Yes, he wanted to stop me before I left.” Arthur took a deep breath. “He wanted to make sure that I knew everything there was to know.”

 

Bread being slapped on top of the completed sandwiches, and cups for tea being slapped on the counter, Morgana fumed that this was the reason why Will called her earlier. To find out Arthur's plans, and to get Merlin alone with him. “And what did he say,” Morgana gritted out.

 

Arthur sat up then. His eyes were red-rimmed still from all of the apparent crying he'd done. “He told me that he loved me.” There was no denying the little blush on Arthur's cheeks, or that the little corner of Arthur's left side of his mouth lifted up slightly. And considering the sadness in the rest of Arthur's expression, and the tenseness in his shoulders, Morgana knew that Arthur was unaware of this too. 

 

Morgana set the kettle down that she was just in the process of using to pour the water into the tea cups, and turned to face Arthur. She used her scrunchy again to pull her hair back into a messy bun. It was a nervous tick of her's at home. A way to deal with things. To play with her hair. Pinning it up, pulling it down, and constantly running her hands through it. Well, that and brandy, sex, playing with Autumn, picking on Arthur, and chocolate. And Morgana had the feeling that she needed a clear head at the moment, which eliminated the brandy. The chocolates were – too far - located in her bedroom. Autumn was at Gwen's. Morgana, in fear of pushing Arthur too far off the edge, stopped picking on Arthur years ago. Not that she didn't have her fun every once in a while. And Gwaine, Gwaine was off to play golf with Lance. Which meant no sex. At work, she could just bark some orders at people, make them feel little - inadequate, and all was well. At home, well... she had to _compromise,_ which left her with her messy bun, and brandy _depending_ on what Arthur had to say _._ Turning her full gaze on Arthur, Morgana asked,“if Merlin told you that he loved you then why do you look like you just lost your best friend?”

 

Arthur's eyes looked distant, like he was still replaying the moment that transpired, like he could visualize it, and with precision. He shook his head before responding. “Because that's not everything that he told me.” Arthur muttered out, before putting his elbows on the kitchen table, and pressing his hands to his face.

 

Brandy might be necessary after all Morgana thought. But her actions led her to grab the kettle, to pour the water in their tea cups, and to prepare the tea with sugar and light cream – just the way that they liked it. She placed the sandwiches on the table, went back for the tea cups, set it down before them and took a seat beside Arthur for moral support. She then used her hands to grab Arthur's from his face to set it on the table away from the food and tea, and placed them in hers. With a squeeze, she said, “tell me everything that happened.”

 

And Arthur did. He didn't cry – he wasn't sure he had anymore tears left to cry – but tell her everything, Arthur did.

 

**

 

“So you're telling me that Merlin was abused physically and verbally by his father until he was eight years old, and as a result of not dealing with it by getting help, and the constant bullying he has a condition that makes him fear acceptance, confrontation, and rejection.” Morgana asked while she was pouring her and Arthur a glass of brandy. Yes, she went for the brandy.

 

Arthur nodded to her in response from his place on the sofa, feet propped on the coffee table. Morgana joined him, she couldn't even admonish Arthur for propping his feet, she only followed suit. No one else was home at the time. “And the things said behind his back and to his face that Will mentioned the other night would have more than likely added to that.” Arthur said in reflection. Cursing _himself_ for not noticing that Merlin was going through this. Arthur knew not to blame himself, it wasn't his fault, and Merlin was very good about suppressing his feelings – his emotions. Arthur knows this first hand. It doesn't make him feel any better to know that Merlin's been suffering inside though. But that's only part of Arthur's worries.

 

Morgana could only agree. “And you're not sure whether Merlin is telling you the truth about his feelings, or if he told you he loved you out of his fear for losing you.” It wasn't a question. Morgana was sure of it.

 

And that just about summed up Arthur's fears in an abridged version. Arthur nodded again, while taking his hand and rubbing it over his eyes. “I think, no, I know that he loves me. I felt it. But how can I be sure that he's truly _in love_ with me?”

 

Morgana took her left arm, and pulled Arthur's body towards hers in a half hug – like they did when they were kids - before answering, “no one ever knows if someone is truly in love with them, Arthur. Love is about taking chances, taking risks, and hoping for the best. That's the beautiful part about it. It's like... it's like being on a precipice. Your hearts pumping, your palms sweating, and there is uncertainty of where you will end up or when you should jump, but the reward. The knowing that you took the chance to, that you took that step, even when it hurts... it's worth everything else. There's no greater feeling than stepping out, and there's no greater reward than to reap it's benefits. It's a chance that only you can decide to take. And you've taken that chance by ackowledging the love, but you haven't taken the leap by _accepting_ it, and receiving it back in return.”

 

“I didn't know -”

 

“You were afraid.” Morgana said knowingly while ruffling Arthur's blond hair. “In some ways you were just as afraid as Merlin. You were afraid to take that chance, of being rejected – for whatever the reason, so you waited for him. And in your wait you continued to fall harder. Merlin took the easy route, he stored his hopes and dreams in his mind, only dealing with the things he had control over, for fear the outcome or reaction would be out of his control, or something he couldn't handle. He took the easier path. He's facing it. While you took the path less traveled. Perhaps your paths can meet somewhere in between.”

 

Arthur turned to her, still held in her embrace. Morgana was soppy when she was in full on big sister mode. “Is that what you did with Gwaine?”

 

Morgana nodded. “Oh yeah. You've met him.” Morgana said with a grin. “You've seen all the women he's been with before me. He's one of your best friends. Even if I was better than them in my own mind who's to say that one woman would have been good enough for him? Despite what he said he felt for me.” Morgana smiled to Arthur, and used her thumb to wipe a smudge of mustard left on the corner of his mouth from his sandwich before continuing, “It was a chance that I took because I believed in him. And I've never had reason to regret taking the risk, and on top of that, I have confirmation of that love that I get to look at everyday over at Gwen's right now.” Morgana turned her head to set her gaze fully on Arthur again, “but you will never know if you never take the chance.”

 

Arthur looked at her, "You never really said any of this before."

 

"The situation was different before. You had your reasons, and Merlin never showed romantic interest for your outwardly. He did however, show you everything else, as a best friend. It meant that there could be a later possibility, but no one could have guessed." Morgana said while pulling away for a second to get a sip of her brandy. "Not to mention the fact that you did everything that would have screamed to the _normal_ person your affections, and so did we without telling your secret. And it's not like I never attempted to encourage you to tell him several times over the years, or anyone else for that matter. You just had your reasons, and very good ones I might add." Morgana used the palm of her hand not holding her brandy glass to rub at her forehead, in thought. "And no one would have guessed that Merlin had underlying reasons as well because he hid it so well, from everyone, including himself on some level it seems. Especially if it took the thought of losing you to wake him up from it." Morgana said as she dropped her hand from her forehead, and placed her glass back on the coffee table before moving back to Arthur, and pulling him back in a half hug. "Otherwise, I probably would have told Merlin myself, because it pained me to watch you as you were." Morgana concluded honestly.

 

Arthur sucked in a deep breath, and used his left hand to run through his hair before continuing, “I should go back to him.”

 

Morgana immediately shook her head. “No Arthur, no you shouldn't.”

 

Arthur's eyes widened, “but you just said-”

 

“I know what I just said Arthur, and I meant it, but you need to get away -”

 

“Morgana -”

 

“No, listen Arthur. You've been pining for Merlin for years now. Merlin has just told you that he loves you, out of the blue. You need to go away to think about what that means to you now. Merlin has just given you the reasons behind his actions, but you still need to process how those reasons have affected you. Merlin didn't see what all of those actions did to you. I did. I watched how you fell apart bit by bit, and I worked to keep you together. Along with your friends. _I_ watched when you came over here because you couldn't stay in your _own_ flat because Merlin dragged another wayward bloke home. I listened while you tried to muzzle your cries in the guestroom thinking no one else could hear. I watched you attempt to eat when it disgusted you to do so, but forced yourself to do it for everyone _else's_ sake, and not your own. I watched you become depressed, and disheartened every time Merlin would introduce another bloke as his _boyfriend,_ or said he wasn't coming home. I watched you as she said to me that you could handle everything, until you couldn't handle it anymore. And now I'm telling you that you _need_ this Arthur!” Morgana ended in a shriek.

 

Arthur's jaw clenched, and his eyes tightened, but he couldn't say anything as Morgana continued.

 

“You _need_ this,” Morgana said softly. “Merlin is not going anywhere. If he feels the same, as he says he does, if you feel the same, then it will still be the case when you get back. But this trip, this is for you. _For once._ No Merlin, no work, no not eating, this is for you. To give you the time to reflect, to speak with someone, to process everything Merlin has told you, to confront your _own_ fears and doubts, and to truly make a decision.”

 

“And what if he doesn't want me when I get back?” Arthur asked in a whisper.

 

Morgana leaned in and kissed Arthur's temple. “Then it wasn't meant to be in the first place.”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A penny for your thoughts.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to start off by saying that I am really loving everyone's comments. It helps to show things from a different perspective, and it gives me that kick of inspiration needed to get these chapters posted daily. I know I haven't responded to everyone from the last chapter yet, but I will be shortly. Once again, this chapter is unbeta'd. If you see anything please feel free to point it out, and I will make the corrections. With that said, I hope you enjoy the chapter!

Saturday morning

 

“ _They are aware that I am not required to stay if this place does not meet my expectations, is that right?” Arthur confirmed, for the forth time, at the airport._

 

 _Morgana rolled her eyes, “yes, Arthur. As agreed. You are not confined there. If it doesn't meet your_ expectations _than you are free to return. But don't go there with that attitude, because if you do you're not going to like it. As it stands though,” Morgana said cheerily, like it was the best idea_ she _could have thought of, “I think you'll love it.”_

 

_Arthur wasn't sure whether or not to believe her. But he knew she wouldn't steer him wrong. At least, not with this. And what would he have done without her over the last several years. Arthur didn't want to think about that._

 

_Morgana wasn't finished. “And make sure that you call me everyday to check in.”_

 

_Arthur's lips turned in a frown.“What for, for you to see that I'm eating, exercising, and interacting?” Arthur asked incredulously._

 

_Morgana smiled, “yes little brother, exactly that.” Not even jumping to the bait of starting an argument._

 

“ _Do you need a report card too? Or do you need urine samples, and a drug test too.” Arthur asked snidely._

 

_Morgana rolled her eyes again, and scratched her right brow with her right hand before responding. “Shut it you. This isn't for my benefit that you're going away but for yours.”_

 

_Arthur didn't respond, he already knew that. He'd apologize later. But he couldn't help but roll his eyes too as a come back. There was one more thing... Arthur took a deep breath, paused, and attempted to get it out. “Morgana, while I'm gone...”_

 

 _It didn't need to be said. “We'll look after him.” Was her reply. Even though she didn't know what she was going to say to Merlin at the moment. There may have been reasons for his actions or lack of there of, but it still didn't change what happened. As much as she sympathized with his situation, it didn't change the fact that those seven years still_ did _happen. And it doesn't change the fact that Arthur is going to have to go away now to deal with things that came about out of his feelings for Merlin either. Nor that he will more than likely have to continue therapy, see a nutritionist, or both once he returns. She shook her head internally, she'll deal with that later.“Remember, this trip is about you. To process everything and to decide what's right for_ you. _Don't focus on anything or_ anyone _else back here. Just enjoy yourself.”_

 

_Arthur nodded, “I will.”_

 

_Morgana pulled Arthur in for a hug, and they said their good-byes. Arthur's plane took flight thirty minutes later._

 

 

**

 

Friday night, the day before Arthur left.

 

9:00pm

 

Text messages

 

Will_ Friday_12/06/2013_ @8:00pm: Merls, just checking in on you. Mithian said she stopped by, but there was no answer. Call me as soon as you read this!

 

Will_ Friday_12/06/2013_ @8:30pm: Merls, it's me again. Still waiting for your call. Call ASAP!

 

Mithian_ Friday _ 12/06/2013 @8:45pm: Merlin, call me as soon as you get this. I've been worried about you.

 

Will_ Friday _ 12/06/2013 @9:00pm: MERLS! What the fuck! I am about to leave Morgana's now. If you don't call me back I am coming over there!

 

Lancelot_ Friday_12/06/2013 @9:15pm: Hey Merlin, just checking up. Give me a call when you get this.

 

Voicemail messages

 

Will _ Friday _ 12/06/2013 _ @7:45pm: “Hey Merls, it's me, Will. I just wanted to check on you to see how you're holding up after your meeting with Arthur. I'm about to go over to Morgana's for his 'sending off' party so I'm assuming it didn't go as planned.” Merlin could hear Will's sigh. “Just... just give me a call as soon as you get this okay? Okay...bye.” BEEP end of message.

 

Gwen _Friday _ 12/06/2013 _ @8:28pm: “Merlin, hi, it's Gwen. I didn't know if you were coming tonight or not, but I wanted to let you know that I've been thinking of you, and I wanted to make sure that you were okay.” And Merlin could hear that the phone was not pressed the way it should be to Gwen's face for the call to sound more audible. He could just picture Gwen holding the phone on her shoulders while wringing her hands. “Give me a call when you get this, or whenever the time is convenient. Talk to you soon.” BEEP end of message.

 

Gwaine _ Friday _ 12/06/2013_ @8:45pm: “Hey, this is Gwaine. Just calling to check up on you. Arthur explained what happened. If you need someone to talk to I'll always have an ear to hear. Just give me a call or text to confirm for me that you're right, kay.” Gwaine swallowed something. Merlin could only assume it was brandy or whiskey. “Call me anyway. Arthur would kill us if something happened to you while he was away-” BEEP end of message.

 

Will _ Friday _ 12/06/2013 _ @8:50pm: “Merlin, I swear, if you don't fucking pick up your phone and call me back -” BEEP end of message. And that was a very pissed off sounding Will, Merlin thought.

 

Mithian _ Friday _ 12/06/2013 _ @9:10pm: “Merlin, this is Mithian. I'm getting worried, and your scaring me a little because you haven't called me back.” Merlin could detect the frustration in Mithian's voice. “I can't imagine what your going through right now, but you need your friends. Call me back when you get this, and by the way, Will's already commissioned me to take Soph and Aries home. He's on his way to yours now. I'd advise you to be ready.” BEEP end of message.

 

9:30pm

 

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!

 

“Merlin, open up you great numpty!” Will yelled through the door.

 

He was very surprised to see Merlin open the door, apparently showered, changed, and semi-put together. There was no mistaken from Merlin's flushed face, poofy eyes, and the redness in the rims of it of what Merlin's being doing all evening though.

 

Merlin didn't comment immediately. He opened opened the door wider to allow Will's entrance in. Then he ran a hand through his hair before taking a seat on the sofa, pulling a glass that looked like water, but appeared to be vodka to his mouth.

 

Will adjusted his tone before taking a seat beside his friend. “Did you get my text messages?”

 

Merlin nodded, taking another sip of his vodka.

 

“My voice messages?” Will asked, frustration showing in his voice and expression.

 

Merlin nodded again, before taking another sip of his vodka. Will snatched the glass.

 

Merlin attempted it to reach for it, but at Will's look of anger, Merlin, reluctantly, allowed it. It didn't matter Will thought. Merlin wasn't going to drink this problem away to avoid it. Will drew in a breath before asking, “what happened?”

 

Merlin raised both hands to rub his temples with his fingers, and leaned his head back to the back of the sofa before answering, “he left.”

 

Will rolled his eyes. “I know that he left. I just left his going away party. My question is what happened between the two of you?”

 

Merlin swallowed as his gaze went to looking at the ceiling. Merlin responded, tone distant. “Nothing happened. I told him I loved him, and he left anyway.”

 

Will's jaw clinched automatically at that, but he wasn't going to jump to conclusions. Both of his friends needed him. But it's MERLS! Was in the back of Will's mind. “Did you tell him why you acted the way that you did?” Will asked softly, hesitantly.

 

Merlin, still gazing at the ceiling nodded. “I told him everything.”

 

Will didn't quite know what to say to that. But considering the fact that Will was practically an eye witness to seeing Arthur fall apart he could understand why Arthur _would_ leave anyway. It was a messed up situation. “What did Arthur say?” Will asked gently.

 

Merlin sat up, made to lean as if to get his glass of vodka again, but after remembering Will's expression thought better of it. He sat back on the sofa again, and ran both hands through his hair, ruffling it with his fingers before answering. “He said that his life was a mess. That he's been depressed, not eating appropriately, and that he was confused.”

 

Will leaned forward to the coffee table, took Merlin's glass of vodka, and took a sip of it himself. Not even taking in Merlin's slightly amused expression. He placed the glass back down after a grimace, and said. “It sounds like he was honest with you.” Will said.

 

“It sounds like he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He told me to figure it out.” Merlin said, as he covered his eyes with his hands. Exhaustion has taken it's toll over the past few days.

 

Will shook his head. “Merls, there is so much of Arthur that you've seemed to miss over the years that it fathoms me. Considering the fact that you lived with him, and _are_ his closest friend I can't truly understand how you missed it.”

 

Merlin was going to open his mouth, but Will continued. “I know you have a condition. And that explains a lot of this. But as certain things stood still in your mind – unaddressed and ignored – other things continued to progress for everyone else. And Arthur... _Arthur_ is one of those progressions. Just because things are going fast forward for you now doesn't mean that Arthur's going to remain on pause for you to catch up. He too, has some things to figure out.”

And that only made sense in the land of _Will,_ Merlin thought. But... he did catch the meaning of some of it.

 

Merlin pulled his legs up in the coach to pull his knees to his chin, and to wrap his arms around them. “He could have told me about his feelings too Will.”

 

Will raked his right hand over his right brow, trying to find the words. “Yes, he could have told you. But it didn't change the fact that you didn't notice everything else, and Arthur needs the time to think about what that means to him, of what you mean to him after hearing everything that you told him, including your _love_ confession.” Will replied shifting in his seat to better face his friend. “And speaking as someone who has _seen_ Arthur going through his changes... I can see why he needs the time.”

 

Merlin used his hands and fingers to rake through his hair again, and groaned before saying, “he told me, Will. He told me that he was depressed, that he wasn't eating as much, and that he contemplated suicide before.”

 

Will eyes widened like a deer in front of a car headlight. He had no idea that it went far. No one mentioned any thoughts of suicide before. He swallowed. “If you know all of that than surely you should understand -” Was all Will could say.

 

Merlin shook his head, still not getting the bigger picture, “we could have worked through it all together -”

 

Will became agitated. “How Merls? How could you have? You're still dealing with your problems and you have no idea of everything you're going to face in therapy. Arthur staying with you now would have been like staying with the source of his pain. And he's probably still unsure of what everything means to you -”

 

Merlin's jaw clinched, and he gritted out. “I told him that I loved him -”

 

“Yes, after seven years of him waiting for you to do so. Do you not see how reluctant he could be in accepting that now, after being told out of the blue before he chose to leave?”

 

Merlin got off of the couch and started to pace. “I didn't ask for this problem Will. It wasn't like I had a choice in the matter.” Merlin said while shaking his head.

 

Sometimes Will didn't understand what went on in Merlin's head of his. “And neither did Arthur.”

 

Merlin slid down to closest wall between the telly and the window before responding. “You should have seen his face when he left Will. Like he turned off a switch, and decided that it was over.” Merlin shook his head. “What if he comes back and decides I'm not even worth it for him anymore?”

 

Will got up and slid down the same wall to sit beside Merlin. “First off, you're more than worth it. But it's a decision Arthur has to make on his own. He's hurt. There's a certain level of trust that is broken here too because he probably has to judge whether or not your words are sincere-”

 

“I wouldn't lie -” Merlin interjected, only to be cut back off by Will.

 

“No, maybe not, but you are just starting to address truths. Maybe you are seeing things as they are for the wrong reasons. You need to figure out what Arthur means to you.”

 

Merlin shot up from the wall to resume his pacing, hands up running both of his hands and fingers through his hair, before letting both hands rest again each hip. “I'm in love with him Will.”

 

Will got up, and sat back down on the sofa. “So you said. But you need to decide if you are saying this now, feeling this now, for fear of losing Arthur, or if it's because your feelings for him are real. Arthur's been a major point of your life from age fourteen up until now. You do have your own lives in between, and your both successful at it for the most part, but somehow you still manage to circumvent around each other's orbit.” Will paused before using his fingers from both hands to rub his temples. _When did he become Dr. Phil?_ Will thought. And then a second thought. _If he were he'd be_ fired!Will continued. “It's easy for you to want to believe it now. You know that Arthur's in love with you. Now you have to see for yourself that the feelings you are feeling back are real, Merls. Because it's not just your life you're missing with here, but Arthur's too.

 

Merlin grabbed his glass that was still on the coffee table, and took a large gulp of vodka. He grimaced before responding, eyes intense. “I've never felt so sure of anything else in my life.”

 

Will nodded before replying, “Then give yourself the time to confirm it. And use this time to get yourself together. You've got a long road ahead of you, and a lot of over things to face. I still can't believe you never told me about your father hitting you. You told me about the yelling, but you never said anything else.” Will said, getting angry just by mentioning it.

 

Merlin chewed the inside of his cheek before responding. “I didn't want to talk about it. To be reminded it. If I could bury it then it was easier to cope. I think I poured out everything I had to into Arthur today.” Merlin said while stepping into the hallway, and grabbing a tote bag. “It was sort of purifying on some level. That, and the meeting this morning too.

 

Will raised a brow at Merlin's tote bag. “Planning to go somewhere.”

 

Merlin grinned at him. “I know for a fact that you didn't come over here this late to leave me here. Or that you would allow me to stay. I got ready, and packed an overnight bag after I read your last text message.” Merlin said while picking up his glass from the coffee table, heading towards the kitchen.

 

“You know me too well, Merls.” Will called out, but he was right. He had no intentions of leaving Merls to his own devices right now.”

 

As if sensing Will's thoughts Merlin added, “but I do need to be back tomorrow. I have Autumn's doll house to finish for her Christmas present, and I have to decorate the flat. Christmas is Arthur's favorite time of year, and even if he's away right now he'll be back to celebrate it.”

 

Will had no idea if Arthur would come home to celebrate it, if he would decide to stay away longer, or if he would come back and accept Merlin without a second thought once he returned. There were too many factors in question to say that one would know for sure. But he kept that thought to himself. Will nodded as Merlin turned off the lights, and they headed for the door. Will pressed a firm hand to Merlin's right shoulder before squeezing it, and saying, “It's going to be alright, Merlin.” Either way it would be, Will thought.

 

Somehow Merlin wasn't very reassured. But he faked a smile anyway, nodding, before replying, “yeah.”

 

**

 

In Route

 

“What if he comes back and decides that he doesn't want to be with me?” Merlin asked while looking out the passenger side window, watching the snow flurries hit the ground becoming nothing.

 

Will kept his eyes on the road, but tilted his head slightly to respond. “Well, if you tried this three years ago I would have said a declaration of love would have worked. But now...

 

Merlin raised a brow, and turned his head at a angle to see Will's eyes. “But now...” Maybe there was some hope.

 

And if Will could have been more blunt. “Now, I think you're screwed.”

 

That was not what Merlin needed to hear, and it felt like he lost his breathing capabilities for a moment before he remembered _how_ to breath. “Thanks Will, I wouldn't have guessed.” Was Merlin's dry response.

 

Will held up his right hand quickly, before placing it back on the steering wheel before responding. “No, I mean. I think you're going to have to work at it if you want him Merls. I think your going to have to woo him. Let him know that you want him for him, and not out of keeping his friendship, and not out of pity.” Will finished thinking back to some of the reasons why Arthur never wanted Merlin to know in the first place.

 

Merlin shook his head. “That's if he even wants me around when he get's back.”

 

Will turned his head slightly more while still keeping his eyes on the road, but turned for a split second to eye Merlin. “Your forgetting one thing, Merls. You already _know_ that Arthur loves you. That part is done. He needs to know that you love him, _and_ for the right reasons. If you can't prove that to him then there's no reason for him to stay.”

 

Merlin couldn't help but feel a little angry at Will's last sentence. And in retort, “who's side are you on?”

 

Will shrugged, “I've known you since we were three, and Arthur since we were fourteen. We're twenty seven now.” Will shrugged again. “I'd say, I'm on both of your sides. And you can't question that since you're the one that's trying to get out of this mess that _you -_ consciously or unconsciously - created.”

 

It hurt to hear. And it was even worse to admit it, but Will had a point. Merlin started biting his thumb nail. “I've never had to woo anyone a day in my life.”

 

“Well then,” Will said as he turned down the street to his and Soph's. They had another five minutes left to drive. “You're going to have to decide if Arthur's worth it to you to make the effort. Maybe it's time to evaluate those feelings again. Just to decide whether or not he is.”

 

That's not even a question, Merlin thought.

 

Will understood Merlin's silence for what is was, and responded, “then there's your answer. You're going to have to woo him.”

 

Merlin used his right hand to scratch his chin. “And how do you suppose I do that?”

 

Will shrugged hard, brown eyes turned big. “Fuck if I know. Soph and I hooked up as a result of a one night stand remember. If I hadn't knocked her up we'd probably would have never gotten together. Til this day I _still_ blame you.” Will said taking his left hand off the steering wheel to run a hand through his hair. “If you didn't make nice with the golden boy Pendragon in the first place I would have _never_ gotten into that crowd. Which means that I would have _never_ hooked up with Soph because I would have _never_ gone to Morgana's Valentine's Day party that year.

 

How many times has Merlin heard that story over the years? Too many. And he _always responded the same._ “And you wouldn't trade any of that for the world.” It wasn't a question.

 

 _And so did Will._ “Not even if there was an option to go back in time.” Will said without missing a beat before continuing. But that's beside the point. The point is the fact that Arthur may not come back wanting to give in. That it may not be easy for you at all. That Arthur may not even want to try. You are going to have to decide if this is really what you want. Because if you are unsure, if this is some fly by night fling like you've had with all of those other blokes -

 

Merlin was almost offended. “It's not!”

 

Will continued as if uninterrupted. “Then you need to leave Arthur alone, and allow him the time to get over you, and to find someone else who is worthy of him.”

 

Merlin shook his head. “In that case there's always going to be more people who are more worthy of him than I am.”

 

Will looked at Merlin, really looked at him. “That's the problem isn't it. It was easier to put aside your feelings, or any thought of Arthur in that way because you never thought you would be equal to him back then. And then you blocked it, and buried it before you ever addressed it.” Will was quite aware that he probably sounded like he was talking nonsense, but he was trying to get somewhere. “You never saw your own self-worth, atleast, not back then. And since you close things off, you left that door closed too. Going back to what all those smansy pancy rich gits said all over again. That you would never fit in, or that you were Pendragon's charity case, that he'd be done with you soon to move on to someone better. Somewhere down the line you believed some of it – before - you closed it off. That's why you completely missed the boat where Arthur's signs were concerned, and that's why you go through men like most babies get their nappies changed.” Will knows he's probably guessing, grasping at straws for reasons, but he had a strong feeling that he was getting somewhere. But that also means that Merls' feelings for Arthur could actually be genuine. Just not pursued... until now. Will thought to himself.

 

Merlin was unaware of Will thoughts, and did not know how to address anything in the beginning of Will's speech. But he did catch the last sentence. “I am not a slut Will.

 

Will pulled up his and Soph's house, placed the car in park, and stared at his best friend. “I wouldn't call you a slut, but Merls, if you were a woman, you'd be considered a slut. Which means...” Will said as he slid out of the driver's seat to lock the door. Merlin following suit, both standing on opposite sides of the car looking at each other. “There's no excuse for you.”

 

As Will made it around to meet Merlin as they walked up the stairs, Merlin asked. “And this is what you call a pep me up call?

 

Will shook his head, placed a firm hand on Merlin's shoulder to steer him towards the doorway, and answered, “no Merls, this is what I call a _wake up_ call.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A penny for your thoughts.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to thank you all for your lovely comments. I really loved reading them, and seeing your take on these chapters from your different perspectives. And I still say it gives me that extra jump to get these chapters out daily. That, and it continues to give me inspiration.
> 
> I will be responding to the last chapters reviews shortly, but I wanted to say now that they were a delight to read, and were very insightful. Once again, this chapter is unbeta'd, and the word count is higher. If you see anything please feel free to let me know, and I will make the corrections. With that said, I hope you enjoy the chapter!

 

Pub Kilgharrah's. Four days after Arthur left.

 

The entire gang: Morgana, Gwaine, Leon, Elena, Elyan, Vivian, Lance, Gwen, Will, Sophia, Freya, Percival, Merlin, and Mithian were present. Everyone with the exception of Arthur who was away. It was a tense group. Everyone was aware that Merlin now knew of Arthur's feelings for him, and everyone was aware that he knew why Arthur left, which allowed them not to skate around topics any longer. Everyone was also aware of Merlin's situation now too, and atleast had an understanding of what was going on, altough, it wasn't mentioned. By the tension Merlin was able to pick up he was completely aware of this, and also completely aware that they were waiting for Merlin to say something about it too. And while Merlin was aware of this he didn't mention it, because he didn't want the attention focused on him.

 

So much for that.

 

Lance broached the real discussion first after they received their meals, just to break the ice, and out of concern. “How's Arthur doing?” Lance asked, and Merlin immediately tensed.

 

Morgana took a right hand to slide her hair from hanging over her shoulders and responded, “He's been doing fine. He's been calling me to check in everyday as I asked, and he seems happier than he's been in a while.” She paused. “He's also decided that he's going to take the two weeks.” Merlin's felt his stomach go into knots as he listened on. “He actually considered staying longer but he's promised Autumn that he would be back for her Christmas play, and he didn't want to disappoint her.” Morgana finished while taking a sip of her brandy.

 

“So he's alright, good.” Leon said with a nod, and a smile. It was something everyone was worried about. They'd all felt at fault for how far Arthur had fallen. Even though they all in their own way attempted to help Arthur over the years. Doing everything short of bringing Uther's involvement into play. Everyone was aware that Uther would have been the last resort, but they were also aware just how much Arthur would hate them later if they did involve him. It was like a catch 22, and not a win win on any count.

 

Morgana nodded, “better than good actually. He went there thinking I was sending him to some sanitarium,” Morgana said with a chuckle before she continued. “But it's not really like that. It's more of a resort of sorts, designed to make everyone as comfortable as possible while at the same time designed to provide treatment to those with similar situations, like Arthur's. There's a beach, yoga sessions, recreation sites, games, fencing,” Morgana waved a hand. “All of the things Arthur likes to do, with the exception of the yoga sessions. But I thought meditation would do him some good. There's also staff on site, a nutritionist, and a therapist there to work with the patients in a one-on-one capacity.” Morgana ended with a smile.

 

Vivian smiled, while drinking her apple juice. “That's good, I'm happy for him. I didn't know if he was going to feel alone there, or even more depressed.”

 

Morgana grabbed a chip and continued. “My main concern was that he got away – he needed it, my secondary concern was to find a place that I knew he would enjoy while getting him the help that he needed at the same time.”

 

Merlin's jaw clinched, but he said nothing. He took a large gulp of his ale instead. He knew why he was upset, it felt like on some level that this was being done as some cruel form of punishment for him. He knew good and well how ludicrous it sounded, even to himself, but in the back of his mind he couldn't help but think Morgana sent Arthur away to get him away from him.

 

“But is he alone there, has been been utilizing everything available?” Freya asked, with concern, as she took a bite of her burger.

 

Morgana shook her head while taking a napkin to dab at her lips. “Yes, he's been utilizing the time. The therapist stated. She also stated that Arthur's been participating in their sessions just as much as he's been utilizing the grounds.” Morgana took another sip of her brandy, and hesitated before saying, “Arthur mentioned that he made some friends there too. He's become particularly friendly with some bloke named Mordred. Something about them being there for similar reasons. But he's found the recreational time there fun because he's had people to share it with.”

 

Everyone nodded, happy to see that Arthur may indeed be progressing. Merlin wanted to feel the same, but at the thought of Arthur making other friends his hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. Like he was about to lose him when he just found him.

 

Merlin couldn't help but blurt out, “That's why you sent him there, didn't you?”

 

Morgana raised a brow, putting her brandy back on the table. “Pardon me?”

 

Will called Merlin's name, and although Merlin was dimly aware that he did, he ignored it. “You sent him there to get over me, didn't you?”

 

Morgana gave Merlin a look that could have cut glass, but her voice didn't reflect it when she said. “Merlin, Arthur doesn't even know how not to want you, considering he's wanted you for this entire time.” It was true, and part of the problem, Morgana thought to herself. Though Merlin may not see it that way.

 

“But he left.” Merlin said stubbornly. Like Arthur's leaving was in direct reflection of him. And Merlin knew his emotions were running on overdrive, but he couldn't stop his own thoughts, or rather _voicing_ them. And apparently, neither could Morgana.

 

Morgana took another sip of her brandy then, she had a feeling she was about to need it. “And if you knew what he went through you would understand why he needed some time.”

 

And maybe Merlin didn't understand. “But Arthur told me what he went through.”

 

Morgana gave Merlin a look of fondness and idiot at the same time. But on the inside, she was reigning in her thoughts about the matter. “Sweetheart, I know my little brother, and I know him enough to know that he wouldn't have wanted to hurt you. And that means he wouldn't have _told_ you everything.”

 

Everyone watched on waiting to see if an intervention was needed, but wanting to hear what Merlin had to say about all of this.

 

Merlin shook his head, apparently still not grasping it. “He said that he loved me for seven years, that he was depressed, and that contemplated suicide.” Merlin responded, and in a whisper said. “I can't believe that I didn't know.”

 

Morgana couldn't either, but that was beside the point. Her smile was beginning to wear thin. “And as I suspected, my dear sweet brother of mine did not tell you everything, deciding to spare your feelings by giving you a simple recap instead.”

 

“But-”

 

“Merlin, he _didn't_ _!"_  Morgana's voiced raised a few levels getting a few onlookers from the other tables. She tried to tone it back down at Gwaine's nudging. “Either he didn't want to hurt you or you threw him for a loop in what you told him first. And I know that you did the latter because he wasn't expecting you, but knowing my brother – and actually _seeing_ what he's been going through all of these years. Actually having one of my guestrooms basically titled as _'Arthur's room'_ – I'm going to have to go with the former.”

 

Merlin shook his head. Fish and chips forgotten as he spoke. “But you sent him away, he could have gotten help here -”

 

“I sent him there because he needed help, and he needed to get outside of the influences around him to gain his own perspective. Not everything is about you, Merlin.” Morgana sneered.

 

Everyone was silent.

 

Merlin ran a hand through his hair in frustration, and spoke lower, almost like he was speaking to himself when he said. “Why does everyone keep saying that, I don't think everything is -” But Morgana caught it, and ran with it.

 

Morgana looked at Merlin, eyes cutting, before responding. “Then maybe you should stop to consider why multiple people seem to think that you do. Because my brother is doing something for _him_ , for _once_ , he's finally making decisions for _him_. And you can't help but wonder how it applies to _you?_ ”

 

Merlin at least had the good grace to look guilty after that, but his mind was a mess from all of the things that he's been facing for the past few days, he missed Arthur terribly, and frankly -- he's been at a loss. He tried to speak. “I -”

 

But Morgana had had enough. She shook her head, wiped her mouth with her napkin, grabbed her purse, and looked at Gwaine. “I can't stay any longer, maybe this wasn't a good idea right now. I'm going home.” She leaned over to give Gwaine a brief kiss on the lips that Gwaine returned fully. “I'll catch a cab.” She added before he could ask. She said her good-byes and walked to the exit, while the ladies promptly followed behind her to make sure that she was alright. They knew that Morgana struggled with Arthur over the years, and knew that it was starting to take it's toll. Only the men: Will, Lance, Percy, Leon, Elyan, and Gwaine remained. Left with the knowledge that they would have to stop by Morgana's on their way home to pick up their perspective wives.

 

Gwaine shuddered before looking at Merlin. And after taking in Merlin's crestfallen expression with sympathy, he spoke, “Sorry, I'm sure she didn't mean it like that. She's been... a little emotional lately.” Gwaine finished. Though in reality he was pretty damn sure that his wife meant every word that she said. She didn't mince words – well, unless it was with Arthur - when she got angry, and Merlin has been a focal point for her for quite some time. Considering how Merlin's actions have affected Arthur's over the years.

 

Merlin tensed and then relaxed. And as if knowing somehow Merlin responded, “And it all seems to be centered around me.”

 

Gwaine raised a brow. “Is that what you really think?” Gwaine shook his head. “Well maybe...” Gwaine paused to finish the ¾ of his remaining brandy in one gulp. “Maybe you _should_ put yourself in Arthur's shoes for once, and then stop to _think_ of why she may feel the way that she does.” Gwaine placed a few notes on the table. “I've got to go. I'm going to want sex some time in this century, and if I don't follow soon it may not happen.” He looked at Merlin, lowered his right hand to take a firm hold of Merlin's right shoulder, and gripped it firmly before saying, “think about what I said. We're here for you. You know that, but take yourself out of the equation for a moment, and just think about it, yeah?” Merlin felt like a chastised child for a moment but could only nod. Gwaine nodded back before giving the othera a two fingered salute, and leaving.

 

Merlin banged his head on the table. “How could I miss this?” Merlin asked the table that his head was pounding against.

 

“We've been asking ourselves that same question for the past seven years.” Lance responded, while taking a huge gulp of his beer.

 

“I am such a horrible friend.” Merlin said to the table.

 

“No, Merls, no you aren't.” Will tried lamely, only to get clipped in the head by Elyan. Merlin needed to process the facts of this situation, and not to have everything candy-coated. That was the problem. They'd all been skating around these topics for years out of concern of _feelings_.

 

Elyan was about to open his mouth, and Will on reflex covered it with his hand and in that same second. Elyan bit at it. “Oi” Will yelled out yelling, “you wanker!” It's not that Will was trying to cover for Merls, it was more like he knew more of what Merls had gone through, what he is going through as he's been the one who's had to pick up the pieces, and given the fact that he knew more he also knew to tread carefully, knowing that there were more factors at play here.

 

But Merlin for some reason felt like he _needed_ the punishment after seeing half of his friends leave. He looked up and saw Will, and saw how red Elyan's face looked – even with his darker tones, and basically gave him an open ticket that he had probably been waiting for. “It's okay Will. I deserve it, you can let me have it Elyan.”

 

Elyan looked at Will, and most have saw something in his expression to make him change his thought processes because Elyan said instead. “You really have no idea of the damage you've done. I understand that there are extinuating circumstances that have happened in between, but it doesn't change the fact that the damage has – indeed – been done. And then you have nerve to be angry at Morgana for wanted to do what's right by her brother. Merlin,” Elyan shook his head to stop himself from saying anything more. His voice was already tensed and full of emotion, “you really need to think about what you want, because if it is _only_ about you, and it's not about what's best for Arthur too – right now...” Elyan clinched his jaw, shook his head, and downed his shot of scotch glass of scotch in one go.

 

Merlin raked his hands and fingers through his head. It was becoming too intense for him. “What am I going to do now?” Merlin whispered.

 

And Leon shook his head, because that was still a question that centered around Merlin. But he couldn't help but ask, “do you love him?” That was a loaded question that everyone wanted to know the answer to. Despite what they'd heard.

 

“Of course I love him Leon, he's my best friend.” Merlin brows raised, and responded defensively.

 

“Not the same thing mate.” Percy countered while taking a chip, and shoving it in his mouth.

 

Leon continued as if the last comments weren't spoken, voice tensed. “Because if you don't love him, _really_ love him, than don't mess with his head.” Leon shook his head before continuing. “Arthur deserves more than that, and if you can't give him that... if you can't, then you need to let him go.”

 

It didn't register completely at the pub, but alone - in the flat - it became like a real wake-up call for Merlin. And that night, he tried to look at things from a different perspective. From Arthur's perspective, and... it wasn't pretty.

 

 

**

 

Ten days after Arthur left, six days since the pub incident.

 

It's been decided. Merlin thought in his head as he – mentally - marked the days on the calendar. Arthur was going to stay away for two weeks. And apparently he was sticking to it because it's been ten days since he's left. And somehow, Merlin thought his fate would be decided once those two weeks were over. Once Arthur returned to tell him exactly what his fate would be. It wasn't a comforting thought. Because after looking at things from Arthur's perspective he didn't see why Arthur would choose him. It didn't stop Merlin from losing hope though, but in the back of his mind he knew he needed to prepare for the worse. Merlin's has checked the landline phone, his mobile, and his email daily, but there hasn't been any word for him from Arthur.

 

Merlin is aware that Arthur still contacts Morgana daily, and has even sent shot outs to the others by text, and email. He's also aware that Arthur's been updating his facebook account. Which Merlin has tried to look onto only to find pictures of Arthur's new friends, and of his resort spot. The location, Merlin has to admit, - though he doesn't know exactly _where_ the location was – looked ... relaxing. Arthur posted pictures of the ocean front, the recreational centers, and of some of his friends. He posted pictures of himself as well, and Merlin had to admit that Arthur looked... _happier_. Now that he's had some time to reflect on how Arthur looked _before_ he left. Merlin focused on one picture of Arthur in particular. He was nicely tanned – the bit of sun did him good, skin golden, his blue eyes were shining, and his smile was bright - like he just had a good laugh. What Merlin found of most importance, was the fact that Arthur looked... _at peace_ in the photo. There were also pictures of Mordred, Kay, and Bohrs on the site. Merlin only wondered to himself if they would remain in contact once Arthur left.

 

It's been six days now since the pub incident, and Morgana had finally called Merlin to tell him that she would be stopping by. Merlin has heard from some of their other friends. He's received a few calls from Leon, Lance, Percival, Gwen, and of course he's heard from Mithian, Will, and Sophia. No ones taking sides completely, but it's obvious that their main concern is for Arthur. Which seemed to be expected under the circumstances. Considering Merlin is fighting past issues while Arthur is fighting present ones.

 

Merlin's been keeping up his therapy visits with Dr. Monmouth. In fact, Merlin's been so enthusiastic about it now that he's made it a point of focus, and has taken medical leave from work for a month to focus on his daily sessions. Fortunately, for him, Dr. Monmouth made himself available. Much to the glee of Hunith and Gaius. On a more difficult note for Merlin, it took three sessions with Dr. Monmouth for the Dr. and Merlin to realize that Hunith was a big source of Merlin's center of fear too. And like he feared the rejection of his father, he also feared Hunith's acceptance. That she was disappointed in him, that he caused their father to leave, that she didn't notice all that was happening to him. And on some level... that she'd allowed it. That it was because of him that they had to struggle. It made for two very tensed sessions because on the forth, and fifth session, Merlin and Hunith were both present, and Merlin was able to confront her with the things that plagued his mind for all of this time. Even though he never voiced it. He didn't realize the things that were buried deeply until he released it. There was some shouting, there was some crying, and there was plenty of apologizing, but above all, there was progress. Because as he accepted and understood that the root of his fear of rejection spun from his father, and the root of his fear of acceptance spun from his mother. He also understood that some of the things that happened in between only added to each of those fears. Merlin never thought to think of it that way at all, but Dr. Monmouth's questions were pinpointed and precise. It didn't hurt that he knew just about everything from Hunith, Gaius, and Will from their combined-compiled stories, and the fact that Merlin only had to fill in the blanks, and then expound on what it meant to him. That expounding part has been the hardest, but the most... necessary.

 

Dr. Monmouth, one who's considered to be the best Dr. in the country, and considered to be world renowned in his own right, was able to see some of the things Merlin kept hidden inside in only a short time. It's not to say he's cured, not by a long shot, but the sessions are allowing him to see things differently. To address things that he's kept a close lock on for all this time. And it's not soothing, not at first. Some of the subjects hit like a catharsis, and the feeling is painful leaving him hollow and numb. While other's are soothing, but with a lingering ache. It's draining, and Merlin is aware he's pushing himself to allow for daily intensive psychotherapy sessions, but Merlin has a goal in mind, and it's something he can't afford to falter on, not when the cost is so great. And yes, Merlin is aware that choosing Arthur as his focus or a goal for improving may not be the healthiest option for him, but if Arthur has sacrificed so much for him, how could he not sacrifice something of himself for Arthur in return? He was told by Dr. Monmouth to decide what he wanted to accomplish in all this, and to use it as a center to help him focus on the prize, to achieve his goals. What it meant on the grand scheme? That he chose Arthur? Well...Merlin would definitely have to consider that later.

 

As it stands, Dr. Monmouth stated that recovering from fears is based on confronting it, being able to admit it's causes, and being able to accept it -- allowing yourself to move on from it. He told Merlin once he could accomplish this, then there wouldn't be a need for intensive psychotherapy, and that their meetings could then go to weekly or monthly, instead of daily. The meetings would work to continue the lines of communication. This will also prevent Merlin from blocking things away in his own mind. Especially if he continued to confront it.

 

Merlin _has_ been learning some things about himself too, and why he's acted the way that he has, or has been accused of acting:

 

  1. That his having a hard time admitting his faults, or admitting wrongs, and receiving constructive criticism at times comes from underlying problem with rejection. And that part goes back to not being good enough, not measuring up. The bullying became a focus on those sessions, and the hurtful things that was said to or about Merlin over the years that he stored away in the back of his mind. That part of the rejection went back to his father, and the hurtful things that was said too that reminded Merlin that he was different, and upon evaluation, found wanting. It helped to know there was a focal point to it now though, and with that Merlin was able to begin to discuss how those things affected him, and how it altered a certain path of his life. And most importantly, how he was going to allow himself to be affected by it now. To not allow himself to be a slave to it any longer. And to Merlin, this part was going to be the hardest to come to terms with. To say that he would be over it completely.

 

  2. That his tendency to reject others was to prevent himself from being the one who was rejected first. It helped him to understand that... in his own way, he rejected Arthur before completely accepting him - because he was afraid - on some level to be rejected first.

 

  3. He learned that in seeking his mum's approval it was a sure sign that he was basing his identity upon what his mum may think of him. It brought back some memories. The abuse became something that wasn't discussed in the Emrys home after Merlin said that he was fine a few times. In some way, Merlin thinks that was the way that both he and his mum coped. They discussed why Merlin did the things that he did, sometimes in chastisement or reproof, but never discussed the abuse, or his father after that dreadful night. Merlin didn't want to bring the subject up either, because he knew how much it hurt his mother. He remembered hearing her cries when she thought he was sleeping. And he always thought on some level that he drove his father away. That he wasn't good enough for his father to want him. That if he could have only been less clumsy, less nosy, or less of a burden. If only he didn't slip and fall into the book case, or if he'd been a better son, that... maybe... his father would have liked him more. Maybe he wouldn't have left. Maybe, he could have still been alive. And somewhere down deep, Merlin didn't want his mother to feel the same way that his father did. So he strived for her approval, and acceptance instead. Which ignited the start of his fear for approval without Merlin even realizing it.

 

  4. He also realized that on some level it was his fear of confrontation, the fear of not wanting to know what is thought of him that prevented him from telling Arthur his feelings before too. When he knew it for what it was, and dismissed it back then. Because on some level he didn't want to be told that they weren't compatible, that Arthur didn't want him. Because he knew that Arthur meant something, and something more. And he didn't want to lose what they already had. So he chose not to take the risk, and blocked everything else out. In Merlin's other romantic relationships, he didn't need to be concerned about that. Not at that level because those other men weren't a factor. Merlin meant what he said to Arthur when they talked about his past relationships. He never let anyone else in as much as he'd let Arthur in already. Even if he never let Arthur in completely. He sees that now.

 




 

**

 

Merlin was working on the Autumn's dollhouse by the time Morgana arrived. Building, fixing, and repairing things - using his hands - has always been something relaxing for Merlin. Something he felt good about doing. It was another reason why he became a doctor. To use his hands to provide healing to others. To help people. It was about seeing a problem, and working to resolve it. Like he made a difference in the grand scheme of things. Whether it be intubating a patient to open their airway, giving or assisting in emergency surgeries, diagnosing a problem someone else may have missed, or giving stitches to a child. It was something in knowing that he did it himself, and that he was helping people. It made Merlin feel equal then. Like he'd finally found his place, like he belonged, and the best part about it -- he was good at it.

 

Building things for others gives Merlin a similar feeling too. Because it was a reward in itself to see the smiling faces of the people he presented his gifts to. He remembered Arthur's face, his fond expression, when he built him a wardrobe for his room. Morgana's, when he built her a jewelry box. Gwaine's, when he built him an entertainment center for the living room of his and Morgana's home that they are reside in now. His mum and Gaius when he made them new headboards for their beds, and built new cabinets for their kitchen. He even remembered Freya and Percy's expression when he built them a crib for Lucan. The happiness, the admiration on some level, was it's own reward. But the pride of accomplish, always meant a great deal to Merlin.

 

**

 

Merlin and Morgana sat in the living room, facing each other while drinking the tea Merlin prepared, and eating the biscuits that Merlin bought from the store. Once again, the air around he and Morgana was a tense one.

 

Morgana hesitated. “I wanted to say... I wanted to say that I may have been...well, Gwaine said that I may have been a little harsh with you when we last spoke. Morgana paused while taking a sip of tea. “I wanted to apologize for that.” They both knew that she didn't mean it. That Gwaine put her up to it. But Merlin said what he was thinking.

 

“I think we both know that you meant every word that you said, Morgana.” Merlin said, setting his cup of tea on the coffee table, and shifting himself a little more in his seat to Morgana so their gazes could meet head on.

 

Morgana decided to cut to the chase to. “Let's just say that I don't believe you. I don't know if I can trust that your newly found feelings for my brother are _real_. And I can't trust that you will not hurt him.”

 

Merlin flinched, took his right hand and tugged at his hair, before saying, “I would never -”

 

“Intentionally,” Morgana scuffed, “no, intentionally you would never hurt him. But it isn't about what you will intentionally do now is it? Unintenionally you've been hurting my brother for years. Somehow you've managed to miss it, but I wasn't so fortunate. I watched everyday as my brother fell apart. I fought everyday to pull him back together. I have a guest room at my flat that is basically titled 'Arthur's room,' because it's his second residence, with clothes, toiletrees, and all there just for him. And you want to know why Merlin?” It must have been a rhetorical questions because Morgana continued. “Because of the nights he couldn't stay at his own flat because he couldn't bare to hear you screwing some other bloke or looking at them with stars in your eyes that he only wished was directed at him!”

 

Merlin winced. His mouth opened and closed a couple of times like a fish before he settled for saying, “I didn't know.”

 

Morgana nodded, and smiled, like Merlin's finally gotten it. “And that's my point Merlin, you didn't know. And look at the damage it's caused. Now I have no idea what Arthur's plans are yet for when he was returns. I know he's doing some soul searching but I will tell you this now. If you hurt my brother again like that, Merlin - intentionally or unintentionally - whether he decides to move forward or not then so _help me_ you will feel more raft, and I will make sure that you are consciously aware of it to notice. Do I make myself clear?”

 

Merlin opened up his mouth again, bit his bottom lip, distraught. “I would never hurt -”

 

Morgana raised a hand. Eyes sharp, and like the big protective sister she was. “Save it Merlin. Let your actions begin to dictate your words, and _maybe_ then I'll believe you're intentions are sincere.”

 

And just like that, Morgana got up from her seat on the couch, took her bag, and left. It was her second abrupt exit from Merlin's presence in less than a week. Merlin raised his legs bending his knees to fit under his chin, and wrapped his arms around it, before he started to rock back and forth, trying to figure out what he could do to make it all right. But the only thing that he could think of always led him to Arthur. All paths led back to him. Which would have been fine if Merlin knew what to expect. But this time, after everything, after putting himself in Arthur's shoes, after his psychotherapy sessions, after listening to the lot, to Morgana, Merlin found his chances of Arthur feeling the same for him once he returned - or his chances of Arthur wanting to be with him - were becoming... less and less. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A penny for your thoughts.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to start off in thanking all of you for your wonderful reviews. I really love reading everyone's thoughts on this. It continues to inspire me, and gives me that push to post daily. I know my posting time is later than normal. At first it was because the chapter is very detailed, and had a lot to cover. And then, when I went to post a little after midnight my internet connection was down. I'd still like to offer my apologies for posting later than normal though. This chapter is also unbeta'd. It is also another long chapter. I went through it several times, but it doesn't mean that I didn't miss anything. If you see an error, please feel free to let me know, and I will correct it.
> 
> This chapter has warnings for: possible triggers, child abuse, and bullying (physical and verbal). It's part of the flashbacks, and will be marked. This will probably be the only chapter that has the flashbacks as shown here. There maybe some more, but not at this level. 
> 
> With that said, I hope you enjoy the chapter!

Thirteen days since Arthur's been away – one day before his return

 

 

The first thing that Merlin noticed aside from hearing his own voice at the end of his scream was the time. It was 2:00am. Like it's been every day since the eleventh day that Arthur left. And it's now it's the morning of day twelve. Merlin's been keeping track of the calendar, and in his mind, the days are labeled for each day that Arthur's been away, and set for the day he returns. Every night, since the eleventh day Merlin's been waking up early from nightmares. Vivid nightmares, and on some level it's frankly terrifying because Merlin feels like he's actually present for it. After the first night, Merlin's spoke to Dr. Monmouth about it only to be advised that it was natural, and actually a breakthrough in the treatment process, because it meant that some of the things Merlin buried in his mind was starting to come to the surface. It sounded right, the nightmares were closely related to what their session of the day focused on. But it was hardly something that Merlin wanted to live through  _twice_ in one day. He let it go though, if it would work - if it helped - he was willing to do it. He had to keep his eyes focused on the goal. As long as he can actually make it to the goal, Merlin was sure that he would make it even if he had to suffer through this. The problem was... he didn't know if what he chose as his goal would be available any longer. And that was even more frightening than the nightmares.

 

 

Merlin used his hands and fingers to wipe the tears from his face that came unbidden while sleeping,  _again._  He sat up in his bed, rubbed his eyes with his palms, and then pulled himself up to rest against his headboard to glare at the clock on the wall wishing he could blow it up. Thinking about the torture, - the dreams - Merlin doubted, “ _I don't know if I want it all back.”_ And on further evaluation,  _“What if I can't handle it?” Despite Merlin's doubts he didn't want to stop. Not if there was a chance to be better in the end._

 

But the good Dr. Monmouth did make sense. Because as each session focused on something in particular that Merlin suppressed, and the nightmare brought it to the surface to force Merlin to deal with it. If he wasn't doing daily sessions it may not have been so bad, but as it stands, Merlin felt like his heart, mind, and body was going on overload. Processing too many intense things - too many things that never wanted to address - at once. But as hard as it was, Merlin didn't want to cut back. He wasn't dying, and he wasn't passing out. He was just drained, stressed, tired, and a little overwhelmed. It would be different, going through all of this again, if he didn't feel so alone. But even if someone was there... what could they say? And it didn't matter, because there was no one coming anyway. Except for Will or Mithian. Merlin could not find himself to be angry with that. Hurt... maybe. But not angry. He understood they were protective of Arthur. He thought he was too. But apparently they had more information than he did. Merlin shook his head. He fucked up, it makes no difference now. And for all he knows Arthur could be hating him now. And when he comes back... who's to say he'd want anything to do with Merlin at all? Merlin slid back down into the bed, and pulled his sheet over his head. He didn't know what he would do if that happened. And he couldn't think that far to focus on it because his head was still throbbing.

 

**

 

 

Eleven days since Arthur's been away – three days before his return.

 

The first nightmare.

 

The focus on Merlin's psychotherapy for day eleven was based on Merlin's father. Dr. Monmouth made Merlin talk about his feelings during the abuse, and how it affected him, and most importantly, how it's affecting him now. They discussed patterns, how far the pattern continued, and the things that were more difficult for him to confront. And that night, the night of day eleven, Merlin dreamt of his father.

 

 

_** Flashback **_

 

Four year old Merlin was just coming home from playing outside with Will, and tracked dirt on the floor. It was raining outside, and the ground was wet, showing the tracks coming off of Merlin little dirty sneakers from the front door, the tiled flooring in the anteroom, the wood flooring in the living room, and to the ceramic tile flooring in the kitchen. Young Merlin only made it that far before he a strong hand gripped around his little arm, the force of the shake was enough to make Merlin feel like his shoulder was going to come out of the socket -- in the midst of the shaking, he looked to see his father eyes, blazing with anger, skin beet red. And his father was close enough to him for Merlin to smell alcohol. It was a bad sign.

 

“ _You worthless piece of shit! What did I tell you about tracking the floor?!”_

 

_Merlin's eyes were wide, like a deer caught in a headlight, his heart was beating, he was literally shaking inside, and quite aware that one false mouth, one smart retort, and the wrong answer would result in another beating. “I... I -”_

 

“ _Spit it out boy, what are you stupid?! What did I tell you about tracking the floor?!”_

 

_Merlin's mouth opened, and closed a few times, until Balinor squeezed his arm with such a force that Merlin knew that there would be bruises. He sucked in the cry of pain that was radiating through him to come out. If he cried now, if he screamed, it would be worse. His father would call him weak. Big boys don't cry. They don't show their emotions. He sucked in his breath instead, and clinched his jaw tightly, to block the feeling of the pain before stuttering, “I.. I'm sorry -”_

 

“ _You're always sorry,” heavy hit on the arm, Merlin's eyes watered._

 

“ _you can't ever get anything right,” heavy hit on the butt, two traitorous tears fell from Merlin's left eye._

 

“ _I'll show you what sorry means,” heavy hit on the thigh. Merlin buckled from the pain on his leg._

 

“ _If I have to tell you one more time to about tracking the floor I'll make sure that you'll be unable to sit properly for a week! Now clean up your mess, and get out of my sight!” Heavy slap upside the back of Merlin's head. Merlin saw dark spots, he used the pain to suppress the feelings of it. And a heavy push to the door of the kitchen came next to propel Merlin on the floor. Merlin felt his knee scrape hard against the ceramic tile. It burned, and he knew there would be blood. He was only thankful it wasn't his head that it the floor. Through it all, Merlin remained silent. He father already thought he was horrible, he never wanted a son, Merlin had to prove that he would be good. That he would change. Merlin mentally hit himself for failing to remember to take off his shoes at the door. He was just excited from playing with Will. And he hadn't had dinner yet. He knew his mum left him a BLT, it was his favorite. And now because he was stupid enough not to remember, such a simple thing like taking off his shoes at the door, he's made his father angry with him, and he's going to miss dinner._

 

_Balinor sneered at Merlin, still laying side ways on the floor, now that Merlin stirred he felt his hip too. He knew there would be a bruise, it also felt hot. The sneer didn't always bode well for young Merlin, and he wasn't sure why he was still looking at him like that. He didn't have to wait long. “What are you retarded?! “Get up, clean this mess,” Balinor strode over to corner of the kitchen in what seemed like two steps, grabbed the mop, walked over to the sink in another two steps, wet the mop, drained it, and threw it at Merlin, it hit the floor. Barely missing his head. “Clean it up, and get out of my sight.” Merlin didn't have to be told twice. He was in enough pain as is. He ran out of the room, scrubbed the floors as hard as his little hands could do with the mop, went through each room to retrace his steps – couldn't have his da find anything wrong. “He wouldn't disappoint him,” Merlin said to himself. His father must have went to his room for a moment because Merlin didn't see him on his way back to the kitchen. He sighed in relief. Young Merlin then ran to the other side of the kitchen, placed the mop right where it belonged. Ran to the direction of the counter top directly across from where he placed the mop on to the right of the kitchen, and searched his BLT. Fortunately it was still there - as promised - by the refrigerator. He grabbed it - he had a bottle of water in his book-bag – and ran to his room. Young Merlin made sure that his lights were out. Faking sleeping was his best option. Merlin hadn't seen television for weeks at home, only went he went to Will's, or if his mum was off. He grabbed his flashlight, and pulled his sheets over him completely. The flashlight would give him light. Then he forgot his water. He had to slip out of the bed one last time to grab it from the corner slot reserved for drinks on his bag. Once he grabbed it, he jumped back in the bed, covered himself from head to toe with his sheet, and after shaking for several minutes he went to eating his BLT, and drinking his water. Merlin didn't leave his room for the rest of the night. He didn't even risk cutting on a light to check his bruises until the morning. It wasn't like he didn't know he had stark red fingerprint bruises on his arm, a palm print on the same right arm, a palm print with fingers on his bottom, and another palm print with fingers on his right thigh. It wasn't like he didn't know that he bruised his left hip, and knee from the fall. But little Merlin still had some self-preservation in him, he'd rather suck up the pain, put it out of his mind, and deal with it later. He would rather not go back out there and risk the chance of facing his father again. Who knows what would happen? Little Merlin shook his head, it was wouldn't do for him to go out there again, and come back worse. The wounds will deal with itself. And that was young Merlin's last thought on the matter as he stopped shaking and began to eat his BLT. He ate his sandwich, neatly, wouldn't do for his mum to find crumbs in his bed – again. He drunk a few gulps of water. Just enough to quinch his thirst, and not enough to make him have to go to the bathroom. He laid down, head on his pillow, and pulled his knees to his chin, mindful to lay on the right side instead of the left, wincing from the pain as he moved. He wrapped his arms around his knees, he felt safe when he did that. And then he went to sleep._

 

_** End of Flashback**_

 

Merlin felt every moment of that nightmare. From how he felt when he left Will for the night, to how he felt the moment the chill went up his spine at the touch from his father, to how he felt like the worse son  _ever_  during the yelling - so many emotions there - to the pain he felt from the hits, from falling on the floor, and to how he felt a brief moment of content that his mother left him his sandwich. He remembered the security of his room. His shelter under his sheets, and the moment he began to suppress the feelings from his mind to get some sleep. It was like he was reliving it all over again.

 

As a child, he knew it was his fault.  _Everything was_. And he blamed himself for it. If only he could have listened. If only he was the child his father  _wanted him_ to be. If only he  _wasn't_ so stupid, he  _must have_  been stupid, his father _called him_ stupid, surely his  _own_  father would know? If only he could  _do better_ , maybe his father  _would love him_. (And in future years, _maybe he wouldn't have left_ ). Maybe he wouldn't have hit him so much. It was those lingering thoughts that would always be in the back of Merlin's mind while being around his father. But _seeing_ it now,  _reliving_  it,  _feeling the pain of it_. Merlin could only recognize it for what it was -- abuse. He knew on some level that he was being abused then too, but if he could suck it up - and be a  _good boy_  - maybe his father would have come around. And now, no one would ever know. And once again, Merlin was left with those lingering thoughts. But this time, he was tasked to process it to see what he learned from it. There were many moments during Merlin's thought processing that he would have preferred not to deal with that, but he did. And he couldn't go back to sleep, choosing to stare at ocean blue colored walls, and white baseboards. Arthur chose that color two years ago, Merlin remembered with a small chuckle. Something about how he thought it would be a perfect color because it matched with Merlin's eyes. And Merlin had to stop mid-chuckle because,  _really,_  could that not be more obvious? Merlin shook his own head in answer to himself, and thought  _“he really was a right idiot.”_  There would be more signs as the days went on.

 

**

 

Twelve days since Arthur's been away – two days before his return

 

The second nightmare.

 

The focus in psychotherapy that day centered on the bullying. Merlin was forced to discuss the bullying, of the things he kept quiet about, how he felt about it, and how it affects him now. Except for this time, they started to discuss the patterns of how it affected his life, and the lives of the people around him over the years. By using the patterns that fall into place from the fear of rejection. They discussed how Merlin's life has been affected by closing himself off. By blocking things that may have been traumatic to him, or in a close relation to the feelings he experienced that sparked from the traumatic experience(s) itself. Merlin discovered he was living, but he was missing a lot.

 

Merlin dreamed of his third year of primary school that night. His first full year of being tormented by bullies. Sure we was teased before, called names, and shoved here or there, but he wasn't never  _tormented_  at school like that before until he turned six. Merlin wasn't sure which night could be more worse because at the end of that nightmare Merlin sat straight up, shaking, finding the sheets – wet. Merlin got up with such a force his head was throbbing, and only after downing a half bottle of vodka was he able to calm himself down enough to go back to sleep. And what made this night worse? The nightmare wouldn't stop. It was vivid, like Merlin was actually there, and it seemed to be set on automatic replay.

 

_** Flashback **_

 

_Young Merlin was on his way home from primary school for ages four to eleven. It was ten minute walk from his small school of less than fifty students, and for some reason little Merlin was unable to make it home without being called names, hit, or meant to fear for his life without Will walking him home. And unfortunately for little Merlin. Will was home sick that day._

 

 _It took five of those ten minutes of Merlin walking home to sense that he was being followed. He tensed, and began to walk faster. He would run, but he was afraid he would trip on a crack on the cement and fall. Thus succumbing to more bruises, and the reckless beating that would surely follow. Merlin's heart started beating faster, and his palms started sweating just from the thought of it. It took two more of those ten minutes before he heard running, three minutes – just three minutes more Merlin thought, but not in time before a hand grabbed his book-bag, yanking it back with full force causing Merlin to fall on his right side, on the concrete. Young Merlin's jacket, and pants showed damage from the fall on the concrete. It was his school uniform. There was blood that started to show through his khaki pants, and he felt it through his white shirt, and blue uniform jacket. “Shit!” Merlin thought. Mum's gonna kill me. It was the third uniform destroyed in less than three months. They were worse when Will missed school. Because they would attempt to trap him on the way home. Peter, Sam, and Rex. Peter was the ringleader. And from the moment Merlin was four, and started primary school, Peter hated Merlin. If Will was in school - because fortunately for Merlin, Will was a lot bigger, and could_ actually  _fight - they would wait to catch Merlin in the hallways to slam his head or shoulder against the locker, one day he found himself locked_ in _a locker. If he was caught in the loo, he was either given a wedgy, or he found his head in a urinal, or in the toilet with Peter and his friends holding him down, and flushing the toilet. If Will caught it, he got in their faces immediately, if he could get a few punches in, well... then Will was going to do it. One time, he broke Peter's nose during one of those punches, and Will got suspended for three days. Peter only hated little Merlin more for that. And those three days were pure hell._

 

“ _You thought you could get away from us didn't you?” Peter sneered. Black hair falling into his brown eyes as he stared down at Merlin on the ground. A sound kick to Merlin's belly sounded off shortly after the question. Merlin didn't cry, not unless he couldn't control it. He didn't want to be anymore of a wimp than he was for getting beaten up in the first place. And he was warned, if he told anybody it was them, then they would kill him. And at the age of six, looking into the eyes of an eleven year old, he couldn't doubt that it wasn't possible. Merlin tried to cover his stomach with his arm only for another kick to sound off full force on his wrist. Merlin cried out, much to the glee of Peter who was waiting for it._

 

“ _You thought you could run away... from me? You little snout nose, wing eared retard. Another kicked in the arm. Tears were flowing now, and Merlin tried to rock, and hold himself with both arms while protecting his right wrist as much as possible._

 

“ _You think just because you have Will protecting you that you're untouchable?” Kick in the head. Merlin almost preferred that. He may sees stars, but his head was hard. It didn't stop him from crying out again though, the pain from different places all at once was too much to bare._

 

_Peter yanked Merlin up from the ground grabbing his right arm, uncaring of the damage done to his wrist, and stripped off Merlin's bookbag, shoving him into one of the neighbor's wooden fences. Merlin felt the sharp pain to the back of head, and to his back. He placed his hands like he wasn't some bully, on Merlin's shoulders to keep it steady, and looked to Sam and Rex, “what do you say boys? Should we have more fun with him?” Peter's eyes never left Merlin's. Ready for Sam and Rex to say it was cool. Merlin's face was covered with tears and snout, his pants leg bloodied, and though Peter hit Merlin in the head, the end of his shoe caught Merlin in the forehead, and it was in the beginning stages of forming a bump. Merlin was still favoring his wrist by holding his right wrist in his left hand. Merlin didn't have pride at the moment. He looked at Sam and Rex, eyes pleading. Rex green eye's remained cold. Sam's gray eyes softened with compassion._

 

“ _Nah man,” Sam said after a few moments, “I think the lad has had enough for the day.”_

 

_Peter grinned, before pushing Merlin further into the fence. Pain still throbbing at the back of Merlin's head, and the mid-section of his back. “Consider yourself lucky kid.” And he leaned in closer to whisper in Merlin's ear, “remember what I said, your dead, dead if you tell anyone it was us.” Merlin winced, tears flowing, and nodded. He had no way of knowing if Peter was telling the truth, and if wouldn't go through with it._

 

_With one more good shove. Peter, and Rex started to walk away. Sam looked back once, before following suit. And Merlin slid down the fence, wincing all the way before struggling to pull his legs up (groaning from the pain in his right hip and knee), and pulling his knees to his chin. He's right wrist ached something awful preventing Merlin to bend it, and his stomach throbbed in pain, but he rested his right wrist on top of his right knee, while putting it on top of his left hand to cradle it. Merlin knew that he needed to move, but his heart was racing, his head was pounding, and it took him a good full minute to realize that he wasn't breathing. After sucking in a huge gulp of air, Merlin repeated to himself, “Have to calm down.” And after a few more breaths, “Have to go home.” Young Merlin repeated this, and repeated it until he was able to suck it up the pain, and move. He tried not think about the threats, or the painful words. It wasn't like Peter didn't say it often enough._

 

_Merlin did try to fight them in the past, but he was just too small. So much smaller than Will. And if he did try to fight them back Peter and his friends would only make it three times worse. Will even got Merlin to go to the principle. The principle said that they needed witnesses. That the three boys said that they didn't touch Merlin, and that it was their word against his. When Will defended Merlin breaking Peter's nose, getting suspended. Peter, Sam, and Rex all stated that Will was the one that attacked. And even though Merlin told the truth, it was still three boys against two. And no other witnesses. Will kept nagging the principle until he decided to have a talk with the boys. And that was when the threats for Merlin's life started. And from there... Merlin learned to keep quiet. Whether Peter would act on his threats or not. And he tried to cover his bruises as much as he could. It wouldn't do for Will or his mum to find out. He was afraid of what his father would say. If Will did catch on, if there were visible bruises, Merlin would claim that he didn't see who did it. Peter, Sam, and Rex were eleven. They would be going to secondary school soon. And away from Merlin. All he had to do is ride it out, and he would be free of them soon. It's something young Merlin thought about everyday._

 

_Merlin grunted as he pushed himself up from the fence. It may have hurt his back, but he needed to test standing first. He winced, and groaned at the pain shooting from his right hip, and knee. He used his left hand to feel the back of his head to find that – yes – indeed, there was a nice mid-sized bump to the back of it. It felt wet. “Fuck!” Merlin exclaimed when he removed his left hand only to find blood on his fingers. He wiped the blood on his pants,and then tried to bend his wrist again. The pain was too sharp to bend it. “Shit!” And Merlin had to curse himself, because he was cursing too much. Being around Will enough could do that. It took Merlin another ten minutes to make it the three minute distance home. The pain was too great, it was stabbing in places while throbbing in others. And his head was still pounding. Merlin did manage to remember to take his shoes off when he walked through the door. Unfortunately his mum was at work, and his was sitting in his favorite black leather recliner, feet propped up flicking through the stations as Merlin walked in the living attempting very slowly to make it to his room. “If I could make it to my room, If I could make it to my room, If I could make it to my room.” Merlin kept repeating in his head over and over again only to be stopped just as he was about to make it to the hallway that was two doors down to the left where his room resided._

 

“ _Why are you limping like that?” Balinor questioned. Looking at Merlin with disdain._

 

_Merlin sucked in a breath, and tried to maintain himself to show no emotions. “Can't show weakness,” Merlin had to remind himself. And then he turned around. Balinor took one look at Merlin's appearance. The bloody pants, the torn jacket, the red bump on Merlin's forehead. Merlin reined in his pain like a horse was pulled by it's harness. Repeating in his head, “Can't show weakness.”_

 

_Merlin swallowed, before saying clearly,“I fell out of the tree house.”_

 

_Balinor narrowed his eyes at Merlin, as if testing his sincerity, before thinking less of it, “You can go,” Balinor said, going back to flicking his channels.“And your mum's working late tonight. Get your own dinner!” Little Merlin was already in his room by the time Balinor finished his last sentence._

 

_Merlin didn't leave his room until the next morning. He cried himself to sleep from the pain._

 

_Merlin's mum was off to work early the next morning. Apparently Merlin missed her before he woke up. He showered, got dressed in his second of four school uniforms. Now that another one was destroyed, again. Merlin found himself lying about what happened as he explained his stiff walking, some wincing from turning the wrong way, or the still throbbing headache. He told Will that he fell out of their tree house. Maintaining the story said to his father. Which was entirely possible considering how clumsy Merlin really was. Will accepted Merlin's story, but forced him to go to the school nurse after he noticed Merlin favoring his right wrist, and finding it swollen. He repeated the same story to the nurse word for word, just as he told Will. He couldn't afford to get his lies mixed up. The nurse had Merlin attempt to move his wrist to the right, to the left, and forward and backward. And then she did some feeling around his wrist herself. She didn't detect anything broken. Nurse Sefa was kind enough to wrap it for him, and sent him on his way. And Will didn't let Merlin out of his sight for the rest of the day. He always felt guilty when he missed school. Like he wouldn't be there to help. But as Merlin started to hide the beatings from Peter, Rex, and Sam, Will started to think Merlin was doing better. When Merlin had a bruise(s), he would feigned accidents. If it were too obvious, he claimed he didn't see the person(s) responsible for doing it. His mum wasn't home enough to detect anything. She would lecture him about his destroyed school uniforms. And Merlin would claim more accidents. It was only for a few months more, and Peter, Rex, and Sam would go to secondary school. Merlin repeated that other and over again, and that was how he made it through the last two months of school before summer. Merlin just didn't realize at that age. There's always another bully in one way, shape, or form._

 

_** End of Flashback **_

 

**

_Thirteen days since Arthur's been away – one day before his return_

 

The psychotherapy sessions have been productive for Merlin. He's beginning to see how he's been affected by the traumatic experiences that's made him captive in his own mind. His friends haven't contacted him, well... with the exception of Will and Mithian. And after thirteen days, there still hasn't been any word from Arthur.  _And Merlin has checked_. He's continued to check his phone, email, and the land-line for messages. No messages were found. He even tried Will, to see if Arthur had asked about him, and to see how he was doing when Will stopped by for a visit after Merlin returned from his latest psychotherapy session. Will's expression was sad when he shook his head to tell Merlin that Arthur hadn't asked about him. He did smile to tell him about Arthur's progress. “Morgana said that he's doing great. That he put on six pounds while he was away, and that he's been having a lot of fun. She also said that the therapist, and the nutritionist for very pleased with how Arthur went through the treatment over the last few weeks. How  _receptive_  he was too. It sounds like he's on the brink of making a full recovery.” Merlin only wishes he can do the same. Will continued unbeknownst to Merlin's zoning out before him. Will said softly “She's only worried about what it'll be like when he's back when back at home again,”  _It was the unsaid, back home – with you – that Merlin caught._ “she doesn't want him to relaspse again.” Will said while ruffling Merlin's hair. It was a playful gesture. But the sentiment of care was still there. It just didn't help the feeling that his heart was being torned somehow. Merlin stayed strong for Will, he didn't need him to worry about him anymore than he already did. Trying to pretend to be his.... father. Merlin's eyes watered at the thought, but took a deep breath to rein it in, along with  _that_  thought. He would process it later, like he  _had to_ , only... not in front of Will.

 

Merlin swallowed from where they were seated on the couch in the living room before saying, voice tight, “that's good, good for him.” And more sincerely, “I'm happy to hear it.” Merlin feigned a migraine ten minutes later in order to be alone. Will gave him a worried look, but at Merlin request, he left Merlin alone to get the much needed rest that he claimed was needed. Merlin raised his legs to the couch, and pulled his knees to his chin, and wrapped his arms around them. He needed to feel safe and secure right now.

 

Merlin fell asleep that night on the couch. Still wrapped in his safe position with his knees up to his chin, and his arms wrapped around them. He only managed to lay his head on a pillow, and to use a throw rug. In his psychotherapy visit, Merlin was asked to talk about his move from Ealdor to London. And they still had to talk about the bullying because Dr. Monmouth felt like it was more there that needed to be explored. And there was, given the fact that Merlin was hiding it and blocking it out for so many years. It shouldn't have been a surprise that Merlin would have his next nightmare about... Valiant.

 

 

 _**_   _Flashback **_

 

_Merlin was late for class. It was his first day at Camelot High, and he was getting lost all day, despite the orientation. Merlin wore his dark blue jeans, a red t-shirt, and his blue hoodie. He couldn't find any of his scarves since the move. He suspected his mum had something to do with that. He was rushing down the crowded hall, everyone having the same purpose of getting to class. Merlin wasn't completely looking where he was going, and when one girl with red hair bumped hard into him, Merlin ended up walking into a boy that was attempting to pass him._

 

“ _Sorry,” Merlin said immediately, and attempted to walk off only to be held by the arm._

 

“ _Do I know you?” The boy said like he was the boy who ruled the school. The arrogant prick._

_Merlin shook his head, “no, no... I'm new here,” Merlin said while beginning to bite his bottom lip._

 

“ _And where are you from?” The boy said, still not letting go of Merlin's arm. Merlin tried to tug his arm free, but the boy only gripped it tighter. Merlin's jaw clinched, and his heart started beating faster. All he could think about was it's happening again. The boy sneered, and tugged Merlin closer. “I asked you a question, boy, where are you from?”_

 

_Merlin stuttered. “I'm from Ealdor, now would you please let me pass?” Merlin asked nicely before he found his chest pressed against the locker with his right arm that the boy gripped bent awkwardly, pressed into his back and keeping him in place. The pain was sharp._

 

_The boy whispered in his ear. “I'll let you go when I want to let you go, you bloody faggot.” Valiant said in disgust, before saying, “Now -”_

 

“ _Valiant,” a voice called from somewhere behind them interrupting whatever – Valiant - was about to be say next. All Merlin heard was faggot. And the thoughts kept coming from there. “I'll never be able to escape,” Merlin thought. “There was nowhere to escape to.” And those last two that never went away, but stored itself in the recesses of his mind, “I will always be different, I'll never fit in.” Will was wrong. Merlin couldn't see the boy, his face was pressed tightly against the locker, and the wrong move from either him or 'Valiant' would have surely done damage to his arm._

 

_Valiant sighed, voice terse, he responded, “Pendragon.”_

 

_Pendragon, Merlin didn't know if that was the boy's first name or last._

 

_But there was sharp intake of breath before he heard the words that surprised him. “Let him go.”_

 

_Valiant didn't let up. “What do you want from him? He's a bloody poof, Arthur. Not worth your time, why don't you run along -”_

 

_Valiant didn't get a chance to finish that sentence before there was some scuffling behind them. Merlin wasn't able to see Arthur grab Valiant's neck and shoulders tightly, he was too shaken to see Arthur slamming Valiant to the wall, he did hear his words though._

 

“ _I said, leave his alone.” Arthur said, jaw tight, and tone full of venom._

 

_Merlin was getting the feeling back into his arm, and managed to turn around to see the blond still gripping Valiant by the neck._

 

“ _He's not worth your time, Arthur. What d'ya got a thing for poofs now?” Valiant said with disdain while grinning wickedly. Merlin's heart was racing fast, his palms were sweating, and he was breathing heavily. He watched on. He thought about running away - his legs were frozen in place - but he heard Arthur's response._

 

“ _No Valiant, I'm not into bloody 'poofs' as you say, but what I am into is humanity. Stay away from from him.”_

 

_Valiant's eyes turned cold, Merlin could see that from his profile. “Or what?”_

 

_Arthur tightened his hold on Valiant's neck before letting go, “you don't want to find out.”_

 

_A few seconds later._

 

“ _Arthur, everything alright?” Another guy walked up to them with dark brown hair, brown eyes looking on accessing the situation pretty quick._

 

_Arthur backed away, tapping Valiant's right shoulder once, and allowing him to move before responding. “Yes, Gwaine, everything is alright, isn't Valiant?” Voice still sharp._

 

_The look in Valiant's eyes screamed bloody murder. All veins in his neck visible from the anger that radiated through him before he gritted, “everything fine.”_

 

_Arthur smiled, before responded one more time, tone sharp, “good, see you at footie practice this afternoon.”_

 

_Valiant's eyes shot daggers at Arthur, then at Gwaine, and lastly Merlin's. And Merlin felt like he was being put on notice. His body felt that way, because his heart felt like it stopped and restarted again, and his breathing was starting to get heavy again. Overwhelmed by the tension, he looked away._

 

_He didn't see Arthur following Valiant's line of sight, but he did hear Arthur repeat his words, and with a tone equally as threatening as the daggers shot at him from Valiant. “I mean it Valiant, stay away from him.”_

 

_Merlin didn't hear a response. He heard more conversation, and it was getting closer to him._

 

“ _You sure everything's alright?” Gwaine asked._

 

_Arthur nodded, “everything's fine. Valiant's just up to his old tricks again, like he does every year. Looking for someone to pick on.”_

 

_Gwaine nodded. Merlin looked up again to see the one who saved him. And his heart stopped again because not only did he see soft the shiny blond hair, but beautiful piercing blue eyes, and golden tanned skin. The boy was bloody gorgeous. His presence radiated power, and for a moment, Merlin felt like they were the only two left in the hallway, when after close inspection of Merlin glancing around, he remembered they weren't. In fact, there were two other blokes that walked up. He almost missed Arthur speaking again._

 

“ _Are you alright?” Arthur said with a grin, like he knew that Merlin just sized him up, and maybe he did._

 

_Merlin nodded, but found himself saying, “I'm fine, thank you.”_

 

“ _And I might have a name to go with your face?” Arthur asked, smile getting brighter. And Merlin could only think that he was the most beautiful boy that he ever saw. Until he reminded himself that the boy did not go for bloody 'poofs,” as he told Valiant._

 

_Merlin was visibly shaken, Arthur raised a brow while waiting. “I'm Merlin, Merlin Emrys.”_

 

_Arthur smiled again, like he already sized Merlin up, before he spoke, “I'm Arthur, Arthur Pendragon. Are you headed for class?”_

 

_Merlin could breath again, that was a safe topic. He nodded again, and licked his bottom lip before responding. “Yes, to Professor... Alvar's class?” Merlin croaked it out as a question. He was still processing the fact that his knight in shining armor was still talking to him._

 

_Arthur ran a hand through his soft looking blond hair before saying, “well. You're in luck. That's where we're headed too.”_

 

_It didn't take long before introductions were made for Gwaine, Leon, and Lance. And they were off to class. Merlin didn't know it then, but his life was changed forever starting that day._

 

 _Several nights later, before Merlin went to bed, he took the time to reflect on that day. Arthur stayed with him for the rest of that first day. He even introduced him to the rest of their friends at lunch, and they treated Merlin – and by extension Will, like family. Arthur invited Will to join the footie team. Merlin didn't do sports. But Arthur made sure that Merlin sat front and center claiming Merlin could be his good luck charm. Maybe Arthur did see something in Merlin, but Merlin couldn't figure it out. He was even more surprised when Arthur volunteered to drop him and Will off after school, and volunteered to pick them up in the morning since neither of them had a car. Arthur claimed he didn't live far away, but it surprised Merlin, even Will. Though Will seemed to hit it off with everyone pretty quick. Even with his smart mouth that he couldn't always rein in fast enough. Merlin thought that Arthur was just protecting him from Valiant. Thinking Valiant was going to bully him again before the day was through, or was waiting for the next day. But the same thing happened the next day, the day after that, and the day after that. And it_ kept  _happening. For the first time since the move, Merlin felt like he was going to be alright. And even though Valiant said those words - told Arthur he was a poof - Arthur never treated him like he was different. Arthur, always treated Merlin like he belonged._

 

_** End of Flashback **_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A penny for your thoughts.
> 
> I also wanted to take this time to mention something, in regards to the comments. Please be mindful that other's may be affected by what is said. There are many conditions out there, and this fandom is practically everywhere, someone may be offended or hurt by your word choices, please keep that in mind. And respond in kind with any replies keeping those thoughts in mind as well. It would be greatly appreciated. Because everyone should have the opportunity to share their thoughts freely. Just keep in mind to do it tastefully. Thank you all for your help in this.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to thank you all again for your wonderful, and thoughtful comments. It continues to keep me inspired to get these chapters posted daily, and I love reading you perspective on this story! I figured after last chapter that everyone - including myself - needed a break from some of the angst. There is some mild angst in this chapter though, but there's also humor. This chapter comes from Morgana and Arthur's POV, and should answer any questions regarding Arthur, his condition, and what he's going to do next. And that shouldn't be a surprise because you know that Morgana would want to know first just in case she had to put the brakes on it. Morgana also has a few surprises in this chapter too.
> 
> Again, this chapter is unbeta'd. It is also another long one. I reviewed several times, but it doesn't mean I didn't miss anything. If you see anything please feel free to point it out, and I will make the corrections. With that said, I hope you enjoy the chapter!

 

Morgana made it on time to pick up Arthur from the airport. She almost cried, if she would do that- in public, with what she saw. Her brother, _her brother,_ actually looked like he was in a good place. He was always good at faking it to extent, but given the fact that she'd seen him at his worse, she was able to see the difference. And he did look good. His golden skin tanned, his eyes much brighter, he seemed, at peace with himself as he walked up to her with a bright smile. That smile, and seeing him happy again made her feel good about her decision in sending him off for the help to begin with. She smiled, “Hey you.”

 

Arthur pulled her into a full hug, and squeezed her tightly for a moment. And Morgana relished that she could feel the difference in the weight gain. And then he pulled back, leaned in, and gave her a kiss on the forehead before responding, “Hey you, too. Been waiting long?”

 

She shook her head as they walked to the baggage section. “No, bout a half hour.”

 

“Morgana -”

 

“I didn't want to be late.” Morgana explained. And Arthur knew, she got antsy when she was nervous. And she was probably nervous about seeing him. Morgana continued. “So...,” Morgana walking beside Arthur, tilted her head sideways to see his face. “How are you doing?”

 

She got to the point. Arthur licked his bottom lips before responding. “I'm doing fine Morgana.”

 

Morgana raised a brow.

 

Arthur almost did the same, but thought better of it. He clinched his jaw. “Really, I'm doing fine. I had a lot of fun. The therapy was actually good for me because it allowed me to talk things out in my head. And you were right.” Arthur winced in internally, that was hard to say. “I needed the time away to put myself out of the equation to think about things.” Still walking, they were almost to the baggage claims. “They did evaluate me for other things too. I got the impression that that request came from you.” Arthur raised a brow. Grabbing his bags, now that they'd located it.

 

Morgana had the good grace to look guilty. “I was just worried. I know that you've been in love with Merlin for quite some time. And I've seen what you've dealt with, what you've been through. I wanted to make sure that it didn't turn into something else. Or that it _wasn't_ anything else. And let's face it,” Morgana's guilt gone, smirk in place, “it's not like it wasn't the perfect chance to get it checked.” Meaning, if Morgana could get away with it, to achieve her purposes... she would.

 

While Morgana's decision was based on how Hunith managed to miss all of the signs for Merlin's cry for help years ago. And when she suspected, she went by Merlin's word instead of taking him by those wing ears of his, and getting him checked like a mother should. And being a mother, Morgana couldn't help but be angry at Hunith too for not taking the initiative sooner, for going by a child's words instead of making the right choice all those years ago. When a parent doubts, they _get it checked_. That's something she admired about their father, despite his methods of what he considered 'fixing it.' And being a big sister - and a mother - Morgana could not regret her decision in making sure that she dotted her i's and crossed her t's. She would have never forgiven herself if something happened to Arthur because she _listened_ to him say something, while she doubted. What if he was in denial? If only Hunith made that choice sooner, things could have been different now.

 

Arthur unaware of Morgana's inner thoughts, shook his head, and sighed. “They didn't find anything else. I have been diagnosed with depression, that comes with some anxiety, and it explains the weight loss. Being in love isn't classified as a personality disorder. And as for obsessive love... there's actually phases to define obsessive love. It determines if you are either at a stage, or proned to it if you fit in those stages. _I didn't fit the bill._ I never stalked him, I never had an obsessive desire to possess him, I was never violent or angry, never did obsessive things like watch his every move. I didn't even keep up with everyone that he dated, nor did I hate anyone that he dated. There was only two things that was on the list twenty four signs - split into four stages - that held any relevance to me, and that was having overwhelming signs of depression, that I had for a year and a half." Arthur paused. "I may have felt hurt at times, like anyone else could feel hurt, but the depression didn't set in until a year and a half ago. The second thing were the thoughts of suicide. One I decided against _all on my own,_ and one I got help for.” Arthur raised his right hand and rubbed his right brow with his fingers, “though I did go through therapy just for having the thoughts of it too.” Arthur looked at her -- again. Morgana had the good grace to look sheepish. Arthur was unforgiving. “The diagnosis is depression. And suffering from unrequited love for the length of time that I had it, the feelings that surrounded it, is still a form of the depression. But my feelings itself, the love that I feel... is real. And that was their final word. And Nimueh agreed because she pulled everything from the sessions, and the notes that were sent to her from the therapist on sight, making it a first and a second opinion.” Arthur said with the unsaid message to his sister of, _“I told you so.”_ And raised his left brow. Morgana was unperturbed.

 

Arthur didn't bother, but felt he needed to reiterate. “ _Again,_ after careful evaluation, I did not fit the bill for that. And it's not as unnatural as may you think, considering many people love others who's love has never been returned. They even provided case studies, and scenarios to prove it.” Arthur sighed, “now I admit, the depression did get out of hand – at the end, but I always had a lifeline to hold on to. That's why I never decided to give up on myself by entertaining the thoughts for very long of suicide. I've always had everyones support. And I've always known my own self-worth. It was just... at my lowest points that I thought of it, though it didn't make it right. But when I thought about what I did have... it far out-weighed the things that I didn't have. If that makes sense?” Morgana thought that the therapy did some good listening to Arthur's introspection of his choices. Arthur didn't wait for a response. Arthur finished and as an afterthought, “And as I learned before I left.. my feelings were not so unrequited after all. Though I didn't focus on it as much while I was away, or during my recovery. I needed to take the time for myself to process things, and to figure it out in my own head.” They started making their journey for the SUV.

 

Morgana listened intently. “It may not bring about a personality disorder, but it could be just as toxic.”

 

“Anything can be toxic Morgana. I should have said something! I stewed on it, and waited for Merlin to see the signs. And Merlin -- _didn't see it._ The fact of the matter is, I can't go back in time to rewind.” Arthur shaking his head as they finally made it outside of the airport, stated before continuing. “I can't change anything, all I can do is move on from it, and see how it applies to me now.” Arthur finished.

 

They made it to Morgana's Jade Green 2014 Lexus LX 570 SUV.

 

Morgana still had that look of concern on her face before asking, “what are going to do?” The unsaid, _about Merlin_ left out there.

 

Arthur placed his luggage in the trunk, slammed it shut, and looked her dead in the eye before saying, “I haven't completely decided yet.”

 

Morgana and Arthur slid into their seats, putting on their safety belts, she turned to him. “What do you mean by that?”

 

Arthur shrugged, took his left hand and fingers to run it through his hair before replying, “I mean it as I said it, I haven't decided yet. I know that I need time. I know that I have to see how I am back here. In the center of it all. There's somethings I need to do for me first, before I can decide for anyone else. It doesn't change the fact that I still love him.” Arthur rubbed the back of his neck with his right hand, before continuing. “It just means that I can't let my love for him be something that I need to worry about right now. If that makes sense?”

 

Morgana nodded, as she turned the ignition, shifted from park to drive, and drove off. She clarified. “Are you waiting for Merlin to make the first move, or waiting for something like that to change your mind?

 

Arthur turned to look at Morgana before raising his brow, “You mean am I going to jump into his bed, at the first sign that he loves me?”

 

“Don't be a tart!” Morgana said snidely, focused on the road, turning slightly to eye her brother. “But on second thought -”

 

“Morgana!” Arthur shouted, exasperated. “If I _was_ going to do that, I would have stayed _here_ in the first place instead of going away -- when it was a given. And there would have been nothing you could have done to stop me.” Morgana knew that on some level. Arthur swiped the bottom of his lips with his top teeth for a moment, and closed his eyes and opened it again before he continued. “There's some things I need to understand about Merlin before I can think about making that step with him. I know that he loves me. That's not a question.” Arthur used his right hand to run against his side of the dashboard. “But I need to know if his feelings are based on the right things.”

 

Morgana nodded, taking her right hand off of the steering wheel for a moment to rub her right brow, then running her right arm over her left, before placing it back on the steering wheel. “You still want to make sure that he loves you for you, and not out of pity, obligation, or friendship?”

 

“It's not a guarantee, Morgana.” Arthur turned to look at her, blue eyes intensed. “It's not a guarantee, and I'm not going to wait while the choices are being made. Not like I did, in any case. But at the same time, I _am_ going to be fair, and I can't turn my back on him completely. Merlin would have never done that to me. And even in his illness, he was always there, just not in every way that I wanted him to be.” Arthur ended in a whisper.

 

“But...”

 

Arthur sucked in a breath, and sighed deeply. They knew each other too well. And more than likely, the harpy probably knew too. “But... in the meantime, I think that Merlin and I need some distance to make those decisions without being in close courters.”

 

“And....”

 

Arthur shifted in his seat despite his seatbelt to get a full glimpse of his sister's profile, “you knew!”

 

Morgana giggled. Eyes started shining from holding it in and managed a slight turn to look at Arthur before focusing back on the road. “Who do you think Miranda called to find you something up to your expectations without you being present to choose for yourself?”

 

Arthur's eyes widened for a moment, and he scrubbed his chin with his fingers from his right hand. “I told her to find me a two bedroom furnished flat that I could lease, instead of own. How did that constitute to her calling you?” Arthur asked incredulously.

 

Morgana's tone turned haughty, and she straightened her shoulders, “you forgot your last name darling little brother. She wasn't going to get anything short of the best for you.” Morgana eyed him from the corner of her eyes, “and besides. You never know. It maybe something that you decide to keep.”

 

Arthur gritted his teeth, and straightened his shoulders too. The close quarters of a vehicle never boded well for the Pendragon's. There was never a means to escape when necessary. “I didn't say -”

 

Morgana interrupted. “It's a beautiful flat, big windows, plenty of natural light, three bedrooms,” Arthur opened his mouth but she continued. “A swimming pool, a huge kitchen, a rec room, a den, a spacious living room, a big dining room -”

 

“What the hell Morgana!” Arthur shrieked.

 

Morgana went on as uninterrupted. “Big ceilings, a built in jacuzzi -”

 

Arthur inhaled a deep breath before exhaling. _“Morgana?”_ He said in frustration.

 

“Arthur?” Morgana responded innocently. Like she didn't just sign him up with the intentions of him never moving back home. And with the allure of giving him all the added comforts... and more of home.

 

Arthur sighed, and pressed the bridge of his nose before responding. “Morgana, I just said that I haven't made up my mind.”

 

Morgana clinched her jaw, and her smile turned into a frown. “Fine.” She said crisply, like the overbearing harpy big sister that she was. “But utilize this time Arthur, and utilize it well. The flat is set for a rent to own. If you decide to move then Miranda said that the previous owners were fine with it. It is _gorgeous,_ Arthur.” Morgana finished excitably. And after a pause, she turned to him with a smile, as she finally reached her neighborhood. “There is... one more thing.”

 

Arthur closed his eyes. He wasn't sure if he wanted to know. He gave in. “What is it?”

 

And this is where Arthur felt chills run down his spine. Because the evil smirk that was coming from his sister couldn't be signs of anything good, _for him_.

 

It was not.

 

“Your flat is two flats down from mine.”

 

Arthur's chest tightened by the thought of it. “Fuck!” He said, while turning away and looking out the passenger side window.

 

Morgana's evil smirk dropped, slightly. “It's not a horrible thing, Arthur.”

 

“Not horrible,” Arthur turned to his sister with a look of agitation. “Not horrible. You basically arranged to keep me close to _babysit me!_ And then you arranged this huge package of a flat to entice me to want to stay, then you changed my directions for leasing and turned it into a rent to own, and if that's _not_ enough you placed me _two_ flats down from you! Where's the privacy in that? And what the hell happened to Henderson's?! I thought they lived two flats down from you?”

 

Morgana grinned again as she drove two flats down from her's, and pulled in. “Well...since you asked nicely. Margaret and Wallace has been wanting to relocate to the states for quite some time now, but they never could afford to do so. They had the money for somethings, but not enough to buy a home or get set up -”

 

Arthur raised his left hand to use his fingers to rub at the skin between his two brows, and asked tightly “Morgana, are you telling me that you _paid them off?”_

 

Morgana didn't even have the decency to look guilty. _“Arthur,”_ She tsked, “be grateful I didn't choose _one_ flat down from me. I've gave you your privacy, and I chose the best flat, with the most to choose from. And... I may have had the jacuzzi installed -”

 

“I knew it!” Arthur shouted pointing his right forefinger at his sister.

 

“Really?” Morgana said raising her right brow. “We have all of this money. Why can I not do something for my brother. It really wasn't as much as you think, and I'm fulfilling a dream -”

 

Arthur eyes looked at her in question, he twitched his lips to the left and then the right. “There is a such thing as _limits,_ Morgana.”

 

Morgana huffed, while they sat parked in front of Arthur's new flat. Other cars parked in the vicinity. She turned off the ignition, and raised a brow, “you're wrong to talk.”

 

Arthur unbuckled his seat belt, and then foldest his arms in front of his chest, pouting – like a child. “You're starting to turn into father!”

 

Morgana sat back in her seat before turning her head more in Arthur's direction. “And _maybe_ if I'd done that sooner we wouldn't have been in this situation now would we?”

 

Arthur's pout of frustration on his face left him immediately turning contrite. He reached over the console to pull her in to a one armed hug – as best as he could in a SUV. “It's not your fault. You did everything that you could of done. Anything that I _allowed_ you to do. You've been there for me, 100% giving me a shoulder to cry on, food on the ready, free alcohol,” Morgana chuckle while Arthur continued “a place to stay, and on top of that. You still respected my wishes. Except for when you got Leon to shadow me.”

 

Morgana waved her right hand in the air dismissively. “Leon was just doing his job. And he's one of your best friends. How could you not expect him to keep a close watch on you." She sighed. “If you really feel like you don't want to live at the Henderson's -” Morgana winced.

 

Arthur raised his left brow, and tilted his head to Morgana, evaluating. “What is it you're not telling me?”

 

Morgana pouted and said lowly, very lowly, almost as a whisper. “The flat is actually yours.” And Arthur thought he heard. He hoped he was wrong.

 

Arthur pushed away from Morgana, scratched the back of his right ear and the surrounding skin there with his right had, and shook his head before asking again? “I'm sorry, what was that?”

 

Morgana cheeks flushed. But her tone was regular. “I said, the flat is actually yours.”

 

Arthur's expression looked like he was about to explode. His tone did come across as harsh as result. _“How_ could you make a decision like that without consulting with me first?! I have my own flat?! I've been living their just fine for years, Morgana.” Arthur's chest tightened, and he sucked in a breath before continuing, “I _told you_ that I haven't made a decision yet, and I haven't even spoken to Merlin since I've been away. How do you think he's going to feel if he finds out that I bought another flat, Morgana? Will's said -”

 

Morgana turned to look Arthur more in the eyes, using her right hand and fingers to rub her forehead, she interrupted. “Will, when did you talk to Will?”

 

Arthur pressed the bridge of his nose again with his right thumb and forefinger before sighing. “I called him yesterday. I needed to know what I was walking back into, and you made it seem like everything was peaches and cream on our daily calls.”

 

Morgana wasn't following. “Everything _is_ fine, Arthur.”

 

Arthur shook his head. “No, no it's not. Do you know that Merlin's doing daily intensive psychotherapy sessions?”

 

Still not following, Morgana nodded, “yes.”

 

Arthur nodded, jaw clinched. “Did you know that he's taken a month off of work?”

 

Morgana nodded again - knowing Arthur was getting somewhere before replying, “yes.”

 

Arthur nodded. And this time his tone was sharp, and a little icy. “Did you know that with the exception of his psychotherapy visits that Merlin hasn't gone anywhere for the past two weeks. That Will's picked up the groceries. That he and Mithian are the only ones who have checked on him,” Morgana would have said that she was there, but then she would have to say what transpired. She remained silent, especially when Arthur got like this. Arthur voice was raising, “after I _asked you_ specifically to look after him. And you _promised me_ that you would, and to think about nothing else but myself while I was away. Did you _know_ that no one else has even bothered to contact him since the night before I left. And that his last experience with the lot apparently is of you telling him off in the pub in front of our friends. Which I know you know that.” Arthur sucked in a breath.

 

 “Arthur,” Morgana tried, looking slightly guilty. Arthur raised a right hand to stop her. 

 

Arthur's face was stricken, he groaned, and sighed deeply, his tone changed to something softer. “Look, I know you're looking out for me, and I love you for that. I'm not upset that you told him off. Frankly, it was probably something that he needed to hear, but after everything that I told you about what he's been through...” Arthur shook his head before continuing, voice tight. “You know that my having support was what kept me from not completely falling off the deep end. The reason why I always had some balance, is because I always had the support from my friends and my family. Obviously, Merlin did not. At least, not from everyone. And after everything, do you really think that Merlin deserves to be completely ostracized by all of his friends?”

 

Morgana sucked in a breath. “Arthur I didn't -”

 

Arthur shook his head, “Morgana, despite what you may think, people do listen to you, and they follow your lead. You may not have told them to _not_ contact Merlin, but your actions dictate it. And they follow you, choosing a side. And it's not like you didn't know my intentions of moving out if Miranda contacted you. You must have known that Nimueh added that as a suggestion by the transcripts that she kept track of during my sessions while I was away. That I was already thinking about it before she made it as a suggestion during my sessions. So now, on top of him feeling the cold shoulder, he's going to find out that I'm moving.” Arthur pressed the bridge of his nose again with his right thumb and forefinger shaking his head before saying, “how do you think he's going to feel about that?”

 

Morgana's expression turned stubborn. “My first priority is to you Arthur -”

 

Arthur gritted his teeth, “and he's your friend! I looked up his condition last night, and compared it to some of the things he will have to face in his treatments... He's going to have relive practically everything he's blocked, all of the nasties, do you really think that he deserves anything less than our support right now?”

 

Morgana sighed, and used her scrunchy on her right wrist to pull her hair up into a messy bun. She didn't say anything, because she knew that Arthur wasn't finished.

 

He wasn't.

 

“I want him healthy again, Morgana. Really healthy, and not how he's been living. How we thought he's been living, when he really _wasn't_ living. Because if he never addressed everything that he's experienced... he wasn't. And that explains so much.” Arthur said more quietly. His eyes watered, slightly. “No matter what happens between us he's still my best friend, and has been for the past thirteen years. He _deserves_ to get better, and he _deserves_ support. Like we would do for any of our friends. He didn't ask for anything that's happened to him anymore than I asked to fall in love with him. His prick of a father started a cycle that never got corrected by his mother who didn't get him the help that he needed when she was supposed to.” Arthur shook his head, jaw clinched. “Now I _love_ Hunith, but that did Merlin a disservice. And he's in a bad place right now, this,” Arthur waved his right hand into a line, “taking _sides_ is irrelevant.” Arthur used his left hand and fingers to rub his forehead. “If you want to help me. Help us both. Then I won't have to worry, or think about him not getting the help that he needs and I,” Arthur swallowed. “I can finish taking care of myself.”

 

Morgana nodded, expression thoughtful, and a little sorrowful. “I really wanted to do this for you. Especially since you made the step of deciding to get your own place. I thought it would be nice to have you nearby, and Autumn always complains about not seeing you enough -”

 

Arthur chuckled, the grinned, “she's sees me all of the time.”

 

Morgana smiled taking her right hand and placing it in Arthur's left, fingers intertwining, “she's says it's not enough. And I did consider talking to the Williamson's about moving (one flat down), but I thought you wanted your privacy,” Arthur hid a soft smile. “And maybe I did do _an Uther,_ but you have to admit that oftentimes he's right. I just want you to be happy.” Arthur squeezed their fingers once. “And no, Merlin wasn't on my mind long enough in the past few weeks. I was focused on getting the flat together, paying some people off, telling Merlin off, arranging a housewarming party for you -”

 

“Morgana! -”

 

She went on uninterrupted, fingers no longer together with Arthur's, now counting off on her fingers all that she had done, “working, checking on your progress, worrying about my brother, and finding out that I'm pregnant.” Morgana ended in amazement.

 

Arthur faced beamed, smile going from ear to ear. “Really?”

 

Morgana smiled brightly too, “really, two months along.”

 

Arthur pulled Morgana again into another half hug. “Congratulations sis. I'm going to be an uncle.” Arthur said the last part in a song.

 

Morgana pushed Arthur back, and then slapped his shoulder with her right hand. “You already are an uncle.”

 

Arthur laughed before saying, “yes, but now I'll have two. I can't wait!” He really did love children.

 

“And that was another reason why I chose two flats down instead of something across town.” Morgana replied fondly. Arthur nodded. Though not beyond happiness to not know that Morgana threw that one out there as something to close the deal with him staying, and not moving back with Merlin. It wouldn't surprise him if she didn't have the flat idea set to begin with during all of her discussions with Nimueh. _“She might have gotten pregnant on purpose!”_ Was Arthur's last thought, and then he knew he was reading too much into his sister's intentions. But Arthur, wasn't a fool. There were definitely plots, covert intentions, and schemes involved in order to pull something like this off. Arthur was slipping if he missed it.

 

Morgana sighed again, and swallowed as though she was swallowing a lemon. “And... I'll talk to a few of the lot. It'll only take a few to thaw the ice. I admit, I'm still angry at Merlin, but it's more because my protectiveness over you, and watching what you've gone through. That part not going to be easy, and I won't promise, but I will try.” Morgana tilted her head to look Arthur in the eye. Arthur didn't show anything different in his expression but he spoke softly.

 

“It's not entirely his fault Morgana. There's plenty of blame to go round in this. But it was my choice not to tell him. It's not his fault that he didn't figure it out. And I still unresolved feelings on how I feel about him not being there for me when things got rough – like a friend would, but it wasn't like I posted it on my forehead. And it's not like I noticed anything odd happening to him.” Arthur shook his head. “I am having a hard time dealing with somethings about that, well, forgiving him. Even though he deserves to be forgiven. It's just going to take time. And it's something that's between Merlin and I do deal with.”

 

Morgana raised her right brow, “and if you forgive him?”

 

“Then I'll forgive him,” Arthur's expression turned to the unasked, _“isn't it obvious?”_ Morgana's expression screamed, 'idiot!'

 

“You know what I mean, Arthur. If you forgive him then what next?”

 

“How can I answer that? Love is not something you can cut off and on like a light switch. If people could, half of the world would have because love is an emotion that can be painful, and on some cases overwhelming.” Arthur shook his head. “I'm not going to be waiting on the sidelines anymore if that's what your asking. But I can't tell you what I'll do if – when - Merlin's get's better, and his feelings are genuine, like I felt they were for me... I can't give you an answer to that. That's the whole purpose of needing more time. Hence,” Arthur said pointing to his new flat. “the move. I know some of it sounds crazy, like you've waited for someone who doesn't want you. But that wasn't even the case. He did. It's just.... not all black and white.” Arthur sighed. “But it's in my heart, something I feel in my gut, like there is a connection between us. That part has always been there. That's why we've always been so close. The love... the love is a continuance of just how far that connection goes. It's like.... it's like he _completes_ me somehow. And now to find out that the reason why we didn't move to that continuance together was a result of _circumstances_ beyond his control....” Arthur used his right hand to run a hand through his hair, and closed his eyes. He opened them to looks straight and Morgana. She watched on, hurt, for his hurt. Arthur spoke again, voice hoarse.“He never left me Morgana. He gave everything that he could, it just wasn't enough. Because he wasn't capable of it at the time to see the things that he would have seen otherwise. And I can't totally blame him for not seeing my feelings when I didn't actually tell him myself either.” Arthur's expression turned thoughtful. “But he used to be more observant when we were younger. He _was_ more in-tuned to the happenings around him. It was a process of him turning it off. I don't know what happened in between. Something made it worse.”

 

Morgana nodded, agreeing as she thought back. The changes were so gradual it would have been difficult to notice unless you were monitoring it closely. But some of it _was_ there. Morgana just thought it was changes in his behavior, as one changes to adulthood and their personalities become to define who they are. She stopped, she was going to get a headache thinking on it further. She'd think about it later, with Gwaine. And mint chocolate chip ice-cream, now that she had a reason not to think about her weight. “that still doesn't say what you will do if he tells you right now that he wants to be with you?” Morgana pinpointed.

 

Arthur looked down to the carpet by Morgana's feet before looking back into her eyes. “I will help him with what I can to get him better. I will support him, and be there for him when he needs me – like any _friend_ would. If there is anything else... it will be based on a natural progression of things.” Arthur used his right hand to run his hand and fingers through his hair before adding. “But there will be _no_ natural progression _\- aside from friendship -_ until I know that he is in a stable place to _commit to it_. And not until we've _dealt_ with our issues. Anything else... ” Arthur pressed the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger of his right hand, and straightened his shoulders before continuing, “anything else, would be asking for trouble.” Arthur finished, eyes fixed, jaw clinched, mouth firm – sure in his decision.

 

Just like their father when he made up his mind on something. Morgana thought.

 

That answer satisfied Morgana. She smiled, and Arthur rolled his eyes.

 

“That doesn't excuse you for bribing the Henderson's, sending them off to the states, purchasing me a flat with all of the trimmings - two flats down to keep me on watch – without my consent, and breaking your promise by abandoning my best friend!” Arthur finished incredulously.

 

Morgana used both hands to rub her belly. “But Arthur, your nephew.”

 

Arthur looked at her in disbelief. “You don't even know if it _is a boy_ , you harpy!”

 

Morgana rubbed her belly again, and started talking to it. “I'm sorry my sweet boy, your uncle didn't mean to call mommy a harpy.”

 

Arthur looked at her, exasperated. “Like hell I didn't!”

 

Morgana raised her right hand forefinger and middle finger to her lips. “Arthur,” she chastised. “Language!”

 

Arthur expression clearly stated, _“and this is my life.”_ Before stating, “I can't believe this!”

 

“You know you love me little brother.” Morgana said with a grin.

 

Arthur shook his head. “Not if you keep this up I won't.” Arthur finished with a smile. Slightly alarmed at the lengths she would go.

 

“Yes you will.” Morgana finished, unperturbed, hitting Arthur's shoulder again with her right hand. “And no matter, if you do ever decide to take Merlin on, I'm pretty sure that you would rather stay in a flat that didn't have the memories of Merlin's past dalliances in it.”

 

Arthur never thought about moving, but he would have to admit that. And if it didn't work out, and Arthur found someone else, the three bedroom flat would be enough room for when he planned to have a child, whether through adoption or by Mithian being a surrogate mother as planned. But still, the thought of Merlin's past lovers....Arthur didn't _want_ to think about that. “You've got a point,” Arthur responded.

 

Morgana smiled internally thinking, _“I won!”_ If she could have done a dance without letting Arthur on to her glee, she would have. And as a second thought, _“Arthur must have been slipping not to notice everything that was in the works. But he does look more relaxed. More like before. And he's thinking about himself, and about what's best for him.”_ Morgana couldn't think anything bad about that. Not that she was going to apologize to Merlin for her threat. She meant every word of it. She turned to Arthur and smiled, “So dear little brother, are you ready to check out your new flat?”

 

Arthur smiled back at her, she still looked like she was plotting something. Arthur thought that it was high time to start paying more attention to what his big sister was playing at a little more. She could be sending him to Timbuktu next for all that he knew, if he didn't keep an eye out. And there was no doubt in Arthur's mind that Morgause and Nimueh was in on this too, it was too... carefully managed. Arthur's smile became brighter, he would just have to be a step ahead. “After you, sis.” Morgana may be the Queen in the relationship, but when Arthur was on his game... he was the King! Arthur's thoughts finished, as they slid out of the SUV to make their grand entrance to his new flat to meet their friends. He needed to prepare for everything that was coming next, even _Merlin_.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A penny for your thoughts.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to start off by thanking all of you for sending in such wonderful reviews. It really inspires me to get these chapters posted daily, and I love reading your thoughts and perspective on this story. Now I know that I didn't post yesterday. It was not from a lack of your inspiration. In fact, because of your inspiration, this chapter cleared a word count of 16,500 give or take words. The three chapters - which includes tomorrow's, unless I post another one anyway - flowed together, and if I broke it up it would have left you hanging, and I didn't want to leave you with any cliffhangers. Otherwise, I would have posted yesterday. Also, this chapter is unbeta'd. And as I just stated it's a monster in size. I went through it several times until the words started coming together, but it still doesn't mean that I haven't missed anything. It just means I'm tired, lol. If you see anything, please feel free to say so I'll make the corrections.
> 
> This chapter is going to answer a lot of questions for you, and them some. And it won't all be obvious, but it's there. 
> 
> This chapters has warnings for possible triggers (nothing graphic), flashbacks (nothing graphic), and a past character death for an original character - suicide - but nothing graphic.

 

When Arthur walked into his – 'mini-mansion' - new flat, he took a look between his friends in one sweep, and the first thing he noticed was the fact that one of them... was missing. He gave hugs to Gwaine, Autumn, Leon, Lance, Elyan, Percival, Will, Gwen, Elena, Freya, Vivian, Mithian, and Sophia, before being given the grand tour of his  _own_  place – that everyone else  _knew_  their way around so well. The place he never  _chose_ on his own. Nor that he would have chosen own his own,  _if_  he had any say in it. The place was completely furnished, as requested, when he spoke with Miranda originally. And Morgana's hand was all over it, because it was tastefully furnished, more to his own liking – with the exception of some minor details, as promised. He found that everyone chipped in where work was concerned. Whether it be Percival and Leon carrying the furniture, Lance and Leon, installing the deep brown hard wood floors in the living and dining rooms, or Gwaine and Will supplying the liquor cabinet, and purchasing enough groceries to keep Arthur _fed_ for two months. The girls chipped in too. Gwen, Elena Mithian, and Sophia painted the walls in each room. Each room different from cranberry wine, mustard, to white, and to Arthur's personal favorite – ocean blue. Freya and Vivian purchased paintings to hang on the walls. And apparently, Morgana even decided to buy Arthur a whole new wardrobe. To add to the whole wardrobe that he already had at home. He suspected she was trying to delay the inevitable.

 

They were all sitting in the huge living room. Seated in the oatmeal and basil colored furniture with matching pillows, with enough room to seat them all. While Arthur sat alone in his love seat. Because everyone was present, and accounted for -- except for one. And it was uncanny, how the lot _chose_  they're seats, because even with one missing – no one else sat by Arthur. It was like a claim that was placed long ago. That the seat at Arthur's side would - always and forever be - reserved for one person. And that person seemed to be beyond a shadow of a doubt, whether it be unconsciously by their friends, or consciously by Athur –  _Merlin_. And Arthur's heart felt crazy  _things_  at the thought. Because, for the first time, Arthur's side was left bare because Merlin  _wasn't_  there.

 

Arthur would be lying to himself if he said that he hadn't missed Merlin while he was away. He did manage to make the three hours of therapy a day. Two hours with the psychiatrist, and one hour with the nutrionist. He would then spend two hours for recreation. Which... after three hours of therapy, he needed –  _desperately_. Arthur, would then go through an hour and a half of a sport of his choosing. Arthur chose fencing. He _always_  chose fencing. He'd taken fencing lessons since childhood, and was in competitions from secondary school, throughout uni. He stopped afterwards to work for the family business, Pendragon Electronics. One of the top electronics companies in the world. And it stayed at the top because they kept up with the newest, and best technology available, with the best of the best in the marketplace. Competing, would have taken too much time away from work. And... given the fact that Arthur had only just started – and, that it would interfere with his training under his father, it was – mutually - decided that it had to be done.

 

There was so much to learn from the innovative marketing techniques, to the inventions, the marketing aspect of the company, the online division, the software products, mobile phones, computers, electronics, and etc. The company itself started with their grandfather Bruther Pendragon sixty years ago, and just as Arthur was trained by his father, so was Uther trained by his. (Morgana's interest in  _joining_  the company sparked about the same time Arthur began his training). Arthur was fortunate enough - at the age of ten - to have a firm relationship with his grandfather before he died from pancreatic cancer. And he loved visiting Pendragon Electronics to see all of the new gadgets being tested, and going through production. To see the fast pace of the business. And sometimes, if he was really good... he could play with the new computer games that hadn't made it to the market yet. It was his grandfather that would bribe him like that, until his father caught on, and used similar bribes too. At the age of twelve, those tricks didn't work on Morgana though. They had to promise her that she could play with the newest electonic gadgets instead. He remembered his grandfather would sit him on his lap and say,  _“one day son...” And Bruthur would ruffle Arthur's blond hair. “One day all of this,” He would wave his hand around as to represent everything, “will be yours.”_  And that was always first and foremost, Arthur's goal. To get to  _that_ point. No one was aware of Arthur's thoughts as they talked about their week, their children, work, getting together to meet up, and the new recipes they'd tried.

 

“So...,” Vivian started, breaking through Arthur's inner muse – he'd been reflecting a lot lately. Startled slightly, Arthur turned to Vivian, where she sat – feet propped - in the recliner. Vivian was appraising him - sizing him up – and checking for signs of improvement. Arthur was able to see the – exact - moment Vivian deemed him as safe and approved as her eyes sparkled, mentally deciding that Arthur was -  _not -_ released from the  _mental ward_ too early. Her smile turned bright and wide. “Arthur, you're looking good, I've been worried about you, we've missed you while you were away. Did they treat you nicely there?” Vivian asked, tone going from cheerful, and ending in  _protective,_  like she was going to wobble herself down to the 'resort,' and kick ass - taking names later - if they didn't (and no doubt she could), while taking a sip of her apple juice. She ingested so much apple juice since she became pregnant, that Arthur thought she would have  _turned_  into an apple by now. Arthur would always rebuke himself later when he thought things like that about her. This was Vivian and Elyan's second try for a baby. The first one, ending in a miscarriage at five months along. Vivian always says – when explaining her constant need to drink apple juice,  _“you know what they say, Arthur. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but I like juice instead.”_  Arthur admonished himself again, for thinking negatively about her.

 

Arthur smiled brightly, tone confident, Arthur responded, “ Thanks Viv. And yes, they did treat me nicely there. We had a schedule, but a lot of personal time too - in order - to recoup after therapy, and a little recreational time as well.”

 

Vivian listened on intently before saying, “I'm happy to hear that.” Nodding to herself as satified with his response.

 

Arthur smiled, and then asked softly. “How about you? Is everything well?”

 

Vivian placed her left hand on her belly automatically, her apple juice was still in her right. Arthur thought about what Morgana said before, after Vivian's miscarriage a little over a year ago. “ _It's just sad the way that some people who don't want children have them so easily, while the people who really do want children can't. Where's the fairness in that?”_ Arthur's questioned what was fair from what wasn't for quite some time now. He  _still_ doesn't have the correct answer. And somehow, Arthur thought he never would. Vivian responded, smile more gentle, tone soft, “I'm doing just fine Arthur, thanks for asking. You'll be an uncle again before you know it with this little tiger.” She said patting her belly. She kept the hope. And with her being over six months pregnant now, she had every reason to believe everything would be fine.

 

And Arthur, well... Arthur was the uncle to all of his friend's kids along with his own niece. Arthur's heart-warmed for Vivian. Voice tight, Arthur responded, “Looking forward to it Viv.”

 

Vivian beamed at Arthur.

 

Lance smiled brightly, as everyone listened in quietly. “Morgana said you met a few new friends up there. I saw it on your facebook too. Am I going to be replaced?” Lance's smile turned into a smirk as he raised his left brow.

 

Arthur gave Lance a look of disbelief. And replied, howbeit, tongue-in-cheek. “Really? After all these years, and you're  _now_  concerned about being replaced?”

 

Lance spreaded both of his arms out, to make a line, chest as his center. “Just staking my claim is all.”

 

Gwaine grinned, and spoke up loudly. “That's right Princess, there's no escaping us.” And he was followed up by the others and their, “here heres!”

 

Arthur shook his head, small grin. He felt... _tensed._  And a bit overwhelmed, but he was playing along. He knew that he was being evaluated, and it was abundantly clear that his best friend was missing as the seat beside him was empty. Yet,  _no one_ broached the subject.

 

“Tell us about your new friends, Arthur.” Leon requested, tone gentle, grin small. Leon was like Morgana, where she spent the time with him at his weakest points, or when she saw him at work. Leon was his PA, and saw him all day. Any cracks in Arthur's foundation at work, was discovered by Leon to clean up before it became noticeable. Leon, must have discovered a crack now.

 

Arthur smiled at Leon warmly. “You'll all be meeting them soon enough. Mordred's been nice, we bonded there pretty quickly. He actually lives about thirty minutes away from here, and works in the financial services field.”

 

“Is he still in now?” Gwen asked, expresion serene, with a smile. Arthur was beginning to wonder if everyone would start acting normal around him again, and  _soon._  He was only away for two weeks! Sure... he had a break down, sure... he suffered from depression, but... he needs some normalcy too.

 

Arthur raised his right hand, used his right thumb and forefinger to pinch the bridge of his nose, and responded. “Not yet,” like they were talking about a prison term that was still being continued. Arthur shook his head, before responding “He arranged to stay there for a month, he'll be out in two more weeks. We decided to get up then. Everyone agreeing to keep in touch for support.”

 

Gwen nodded. “That's good, Arthur,” she said sincerely. “Your facebook page had a few more people too. Bors and... Kay?”

 

Arthur nodded, smile getting a little brighter thinking about the friends he made while he was away. “Yeah, Bors will be out a week after Mordred, and Kay, a week after that. So we've got three meets already planned.”

 

“Are we invited to these... meet ups?” Morgana asked, with a raised brow. Like she was gong to be closely screening anyone who could possibly have an affect on Arthur - from now until kingdom come.

 

Arthur shook his head, she meant well. He couldn't knock her for that. “Not the first meet ups, no. That's when we'll meet up, and talk about things that may not be something I want to  _share_  with my sister.” Arthur said making his tone firm by the end of his sentence, as to say, and that's _final_. Morgana nodded. She didn't push, not if he was sure of himself.

 

“Well,  _I_  for one can't wait to meet them,” Elena said with a big smile. Tone  _normal,_ but bright. And not like she was trying to act like a nurse giving a five year old  _stitches._  Arthur loved her for that, for treating him normally.

 

Will was silent, but he smiled. It was obvious that Will and Sophia missed him. Even Mithian, who was trying but failing to keep a smile did. The problem was there was an elephant in the room - the void - from their missing friend. And it was... stifling.

 

Arthur, had had an enough.

 

“So...,” Arthur said, breaking the ice, and made a big deal of looking around from where he was seated in his love seat, to turn his head from one side to the next – eyes searching – before turning his head to the seat beside him that was empty, and then raising both of his brows. “Where is everyone?” Like he suddenly noticed someone was missing.

 

Arthur saw a few neutral faces in Gwen, Lance, Gwaine, Leon, and Elena. A few mutinous faces in Will, Sophia, and Mithian. And a few guilty faces in Percy, Vivian, Elyan, and Freya. Like discussions had been had, and it hadn't been pretty. Morgana's face was impassive, but she was a Pendragon, and like her... Arthur knew how to keep up pretenses. She showed nothing. And he expected nothing less from his harpy sister.

 

It was Mithian that answered the question. Her face expression matched her tone of worry, as she chewed and bit her bottom lip, and responded. “Merlin didn't pick up when I called about an hour and a half ago.” Worry now evident in her eyes too.

 

There was something he  _still_  wasn't being told. It seemed. And not even by Will, by the look of worry in Mithian's features, and her tone that matched. Arthur swallowed.

 

Arthur's blue eyes turned stony, before he looked over his friends again. And then his eyes landed on Will's. Arthur's voice somehow matched his eyes. He clinched his jaw. He wasn't mad at Will. But he felt like he was missing something, and that it wasn't told to him _deliberately._

 

Will answered one of Arthur's unasked questions, solemnly. “I went over this afternoon, after he finished his psychotherapy session for the day. But he wasn't.. feeling well.” Will shook his head, and used his right hand and fingers to scratch from his right cheek to the back of his neck before continuing, “he didn't say whether he was coming or not when I asked.” Will's tone, turning just as worried as Mithian's when he finished.

 

Arthur nodded. But he couldn't stay seated any longer. He kept his expression neutral. No doubt their probably thinking that Arthur's  _love sick,_  and wanting to be with Merlin right now. But Arthur's thoughts were  _not_ mirroring theirs, atleast -- not entirely. Arthur's thoughts was about being  _worried_ about his friend. Arthur turned to his sister, who was eying him the entire time, and taking in his expressions - his demeanor - and more than likely his tone. He clinched his jaw again, gritted his teeth, and gave her the expression of, “fix it,” before he said. “Alright.” In response to Will. And then he faked a smile, for the others. “I'm headed to my  _new_  kitchen to get a beer, anybody up for one?” Arthur was well aware that they were waiting on him to explode. To show some form of weakness for his illness. He couldn't give them that. The group _did_ manage to keep their faces neutral, but it was - oh so - obvious. Percy, Elyan, Leon, and Lance said they'd take a beer before Arthur went into the kitchen, quickly, swing door swinging behind him.

 **

He rested his hands against the black countertop, and tightened his grip. Arthur's shoulders were bowed, and so was his head allowing his blond hair to fall to his face, as he focused on  _breathing_ to relax.

 

As always, he didn't have to wait very long before  _someone_  followed him after he'd leave to have a moment to himself, because the swing door opened and swung shut again.

 

“Alright mate?” Gwaine asked. It was  _always_  Gwaine that would check on him first if he walked away. Merlin knew to give him space, even  _without_ being able to read Arthur's feelings for him.

 

Arthur closed his eyes, and removed his hands from the countertop to stretch them out – now that they were stiff. He then used his right hand to pull his blond hair from his face before turning around, and opening his eyes again – back against the countertop - and responding. Voice tense. “Gwaine did you know about this?” That could fall under so many questions. Gwaine answered the one he was comfortable with.

 

But he did have the decency to look guilty. “The flat, you don't like it?”

 

That was _still_  a sour subject, but Arthur _could_ go along with it though, as he prepared his thoughts for what he _really_  needed to put into words. “How could you not have warned me, Gwaine? I've spoken to you several times while I was away,” Arthur said incredulously, eyes showing his feelings of being betrayed.

 

Gwaine grimaced, sounding a little apologetic. “What can I say mate? She's got me by the balls, she's my  _wife,_ and now she's carrying the fruit of my loins,  _again.”_  Like that was a blanket excuse for everything.

 

Arthur rolled his eyes. But not before he said, “Ew!” Arthur scrunched up his face, in disgust. “I told you before, never to talk to me about anything to do with  _sex_  and  _my sister!_ ”

 

Gwaine's eyes twinkled – at least he got some rise out of Arthur, and then he used his right hand and fingers to run his hand through his hair. Then he looked at Arthur with a straight face, and leaned in shaking his head. “You didn't  _want_ to be here mate. She was just worried about you, and she was trying to find a way to take her mind off of things. Especially after the talk you both had the day before you left. She was beside herself with worry.” And then Gwaine leaned back, stared Arthur in the eyes, and gave his signature grin again. “Be  _happy_ that she didn't install another floor in our flat to move  _you_  in, or decided to move you to the flat 'one flat' down. Those were her original intentions.” Gwaine tone turned soft, “If it weren't for  _me_ , you wouldn't have had the two flats down. You should be  _thanking_  me instead of  _lecturing_ me!”

 

Arthur found he was blinking his eyes repeatedly before he stopped, and sucked in a breath, expression turning astonished. “She did what!” Arthur shrieked.

 

Gwaine flipped his hair to the left. “You heard me. She wanted to  _install_ another floor to the requirements that you requested with Miranda. And then, when I talked her out of that. She wanted to bribe the Millers next door.” Gwaine shook his head surprised by his own wife's methods before continuing, “Morgause even volunteered to move you in to her neighborhood to the flat by hers -”

 

“Oh hell!” It couldn't have gotten any worse if his demon cousin was truly getting involved. It was just in theory before! Arthur's jaw clinched, and his chest burned, voice tight, “like I want to live by  _Harpy_  number two!” And raised his right hand in the air with his forefinger and middle finger pointed up, while he spoke reining in his anger.

 

Gwaine nodded with a half grin, surprised - and not so surprised - that they were on the same page on that one. They've been friends long enough. And Gwaine wouldn't have left Arthur hanging out to dry like that anyway. He may have to go without sex for a while, but.... Gwaine used his right forefinger to graze his bottom lip, and raised his left brow, but nodded at Arthur in agreement. “That's what I said! Well... not the harpy part -”

 

Arthur huffed, eyes wide. “Focus Gwaine!”

 

Gwaine raised a brow with a look that clearly said,  _“be lucky I'm telling you anything about this at all, Princess!”_

 

Arthur shook his head, and huffed again in aggravation. “You owe me?” Like Arthur gave Gwaine the world.

 

Gwaine folded his arms against his chest, and shifted his stance from left to right, and raised the right brow to say, “for what?”

 

Arthur sucked in a breath. “I introduced you to my sister.”

 

Gwaine looked thoughtful before he unfolded his arms, and took his left hand to scratch his left side of his beard, before responding, “Princess, we were  _seven.”_

 

Arthur gritted his teeth. “Doesn't matter.” She's married to him life, which means the debt is for life too!

 

Gwaine exhaled, before he rubbed the fingers of his right hand through his hair. He sighed – deeply. Like he  _knew_  this would get _him_  into trouble too. It's the only time Arthur _ever_ mentions this 'debt' for introducing his sister. And the last time he did - because Gwaine had had the hots for his sister at the time – he took the blame for crashing Arthur's Porsche. When they were sixteen! Arthur was teaching  _Merlin_  how to drive,  _and_  Arthur was not as good an instructor as he  _claimed_  he'd be. And since Uther thought Merlin had a mental affliction... they'd thought it best to not tell him the truth.  _And that raises alarms now._  Merlin was freaking out, doubled over, and having difficulty breathing. He kept mumbling. Arthur was freaked out because Merlin was freaking out. It took Arthur thirty minutes to get Merlin to calm down - having him count backwards from one hundred repeatedly - and having him sit and raise his knees to his chin, and pulling his arms around himself. But  _no one_  got hurt. Just the car... when it fell in a ditch. Arthur asked Gwaine to cover for him, to say that Arthur was teaching  _him_  to drive instead. It was going well for Gwaine, and Uther was totally  _unaware_  of Gwaine's having his license already. It wasn't until later that evening, when Uther contacted Gwaine's parents to tell  _them -_ about the accident - that his parents forced him to tell the truth, at least to them that is. They loved Arthur, there weren't many people who didn't. And because of this, along with protecting Merlin, Gwaine's parents allowed them to keep that secret from Uther. But for Gwaine's attempt to lie in the first place, and to lie to them, Gwaine was grounded for a month. Arthur only called in those _payments_  when he wanted something big. Gwaine groaned, and sighed again, before shaking his head, “what do you want?” Gwaine choked out.

 

Arthur gave his best charming smile, and kept his eyes bright. Gwaine wouldn't deny him. He didn't call in  _payment_  very often. “I need to get out of here.”

 

Gwaine winced, as he must have read Arthur's thoughts, then frowned. “Arthur, do you  _know_  how much your being watched right now?”

 

“No Gwaine, I have no idea how much I'm being watched.” Arthur said sarcastically before he snarled, raising both of his hands to use his fingers to run through his hair. “Of course I know, Gwaine! Do you think I'm an idiot?!” Arthur shook his head, and eyed Gwaine incredulously. Arthur raised his right hand in a stop motion when Gwaine was about to open his mouth. “Don't answer that.” Arthur shook his head again, before continuing, “I need to get out of here for a while. I need to check on Merlin, and I need some time for myself.”

 

Gwaine looked at Arthur, concerned. “I thought your therapist said -”

 

Arthur sucked in a breath. “She didn't say that I needed to stay away from him. She thought space would be necessary, instead of living together. Something I already thought about doing,  _before_  she made it as a suggestion.”

 

Gwaine shook his head, almost sorrowful, “I don't like it Arthur, she's gonna -”

 

Arthur shook his head. “There's nothing to worry about Gwaine. I won't stay long. Just make something up. Say that I got overwhelmed. It's been a long day. I'm just getting back into the swing of things. I went for a run, -”

 

Gwaine - bending his elbows - held both hands in the air to stop Arthur from going any further, and Arthur prayed to any God that was up there for assistance.

 

Gwaine sized Arthur up really quick by looking him up and down, and raised his left brow. Then he took his right hand and rested on Arthur's right shoulder - firmly, leaning in he said in a serious tone, “you can go there. But come right back. Don't stay too long. If she demands to know the truth. I  _can't_ lie to her, she's my wife. But I'll try to keep her off your trail for as long as I can.” Gwaine's grip on Arthur's shoulder became even firmer. “She's not going to be like this for long. But you both need to talk, or  _you_ may be dealing with this for the remainder of her pregnancy. You know she get's emotional when she's pregnant, and she's always worried about you. Although, she was always protective of you – before... everything, she's even  _more_ protective of you now.” Gwaine released Arthur's shoulder, stepped back, and gave him a wink, tilted up the corner of the left side of his mouth and turning it into a half grin. “Sort it out, yeah?”

 

Arthur swallowed. And nodded, before saying sincerely, “yeah.”

 

Gwaine eyed Arthur, eyes tight and firm, like he needed a better confirmation than, _“yeah,”_ from Arthur.

 

Arthur signed, but nodded. “Yeah, I'll talk to her,” he nodded again, “but not tonight.” He didn't know if he could handle two major confrontations in one night. He didn't know what was going to happen after two weeks without seeing Merlin.

 

Gwaine must have read Arthur's thoughts, because he frowned.

 

Arthur swallowed before saying, in confirmation -- again. “I will. I'll see you later.”

 

Gwaine nodded before Arthur tapped Gwaine's shoulder with his right hand, and turned to leave through the back door of the kitchen. He couldn't risk going through the front.

 

Gwaine must have known that too, because he nodded as Arthur turned to leave. Even  _with_ Gwaine covering for him, Arthur was sure that it wouldn't take long for the lot,  _and Morgana,_ to figure out where he went. Arthur would be long gone before they did.

 

**

 

Merlin - while in the dark - took another huge gulp from his glass of vodka that he placed on the coffee table. Bottle opened right beside it. He set it down with his right hand, before he laid back down on the couch in the living room. It was his third glass. He pulled his legs up, and pulled his knees to his chin, and wrapped his arms around it, but not before covering himself with his blanket from head to toe. It was  _another_ rough day. And... another evening of migraines. His head was pounding. His temples throbbing, with sharp blinding pain behind his eyes. He kept it shut. If - when - he sat up for a drink. He knew exactly where it was now if he needed to reach for it.

 

It was the fifteenth day of psychotherapy. The day that Arthur arrived, as he mentally marked it on his calendar. Not seeing Arthur earlier, when Will announced that he arrived in London hours ago told Merlin everything that he needed to know. And that was that Arthur wouldn't want to be around him anymore. Merlin ruined it. He ruined their friendship, and destroyed anything else that could have happened between them. Because Merlin... was an idiot! Arthur  _loved him_  for _seven years,_  and he – completely - missed the signs. Even if, Arthur  _didn't_ tell him. Merlin should have noticed  _-_   _something_. Should have  _seen_  something. Arthur was depressed for a  _year and a half,_ without Merlin even  _detecting_  a problem before it was almost too late...idiot! Morgana told him how Arthur felt about the men Merlin brought over to the flat. There would never be anything that Merlin could possibly say - or do - to make this right.  _Sorry,_  just doesn't cover it.  _Nothing,_ could make this right, because Merlin screwed it all up, like he  _always_  does.

 

Merlin groaned as another blinding pain passed sharply behind his eyes. Psychotherapy was draining today. It hurt to relive the nightmares at night, and to have to talk about something closely related to it the next day. To talk about how he dealt with it. And how those things are affecting his life now. Merlin had a thought,  _“what life?!”_ His mum hasn't spoken to him in a week, after he confronted her in two of his most gruesome therapy sessions. Apparently... she was distraught, and stricken with guilt, and Gaius has been seeing to her. Merlin knew, that saying anything would be a bad idea. He didn't want her to blame herself. It's his fault he's so fucked up! Why should anyone else have to suffer with him too? He still hasn't spoken to any of his friends, aside from Will and Mithian, and Sophia. Can't leave Sophia out. She checks on him by phone when Will is busy at work. But she's been busy too these past few weeks on some project that Morgana has set up with everyone. Well... not everyone. Merlin couldn't blame her though. He wouldn't want to be with himself either if he didn't have to be. Merlin groaned again as the throbbing in his temples started getting worse. He sucked in a cry. Unfortunately, thanks to psychotherapy, he can't hide from himself anymore. All of the things that he's been blocking out over the years, all of the walls that he's so critically and strategically placed has crumbled down like a house of cards. He couldn't escape it now if he tried. It took too many years to put it in place to be able to set it back in order now.

 

Dr. Monmouth had Merlin talk about the feelings he felt as a result of the abuse, and of the bullying. Those moments when rejection, and in some forms  _acceptance,_  were at it's height. He wanted Merlin to recall those feelings to have them brought to the surface, which should also help him to process things easier when - not if - he would have his next nightmare, which would always be.... the same evening. Merlin chewed at the inside of his cheek, before biting his bottom lip. Trying to think, and trying to process. Maybe he's too weak to process it? Maybe that's why he suppressed everything in the first place. His father always called him weak, a retard, stupid! Other people deal with disorders everyday, and they don't lock themselves into the recesses of their own minds. Why does Merlin have to be any different? Why does Merlin  _always_  have to be different? Merlin rocked back and forth under the blankets in his safe position. Tears started falling from his eyes. And Merlin clinched his jaw. He's not supposed to cry. He scrubbed the tears from his eyes with both hands, it didn't stop more from coming.

 

Merlin told Dr. Monmouth that he felt desperate, ashamed, alone, humiliated, lonely, dazed, confused, angry, helpless, confused, and nervous over several sessions. In his older years, when he continued to hear things behind his back that he was nothing, not worth the time, not good enough, a  _scholarship_  kid. The taunts, that he was only to be used and discarded, he's  _temporary,_  that he doesn't fit with us. He's from the wrong family. Had the wrong breeding. The wrong posture. Not good enough to stand beside.... Merlin remembered those feelings of embarrassment, of humiliation, of feeling ashamed, and of feeling  _some_ anger. He closed all of those feelings off too, because the bullying from his older years was due to his closeness with Arthur. And Merlin never wanted Arthur to know. If he found out, he found out. Merlin would deny it to the cows came home, and he would close other any feelings surrounding it. It protected him from the thoughts, to prevent him from thinking _other_  thoughts, other thoughts that he would keep – blocked and buried. It made him feel safe.

 

Dr. Monmouth and Merlin talked about other feelings that came out as a result of the bullying. Merlin stated that he had problems sleeping, and eating. That he had a hard time focusing, or paying attention. That there were times when he was a child that he never wanted to leave his room. And as an adult, sometimes he didn't want to leave his flat, because he wanted to feel safe. But when he moved in with Arthur... he felt safe, protected, and  _wanted._ Like every time he's been around Arthur.  _Always,_  his knight in shining armor. Until he pushed Arthur away.

 

He talked about his headaches, and stomachaches he experienced back then. And his trouble trusting people. Trusting that their intentions were real. All things that he later pushed into the recesses of his mind - to protect himself - because it all was  _too close_  to those feelings that he felt before.  _And if he didn't understand what it meant_.... it was locked away too. Better safe than sorry. It's not locked away anymore. And though there are some feelings Merlin would welcome to have, there were many more... that he would surely love to do without. Unfortunately for him, when he chose to unlock it, he chose to unlock all of the good, and  _all_ of the bad. With no prejudice, or differentiation in between.

 

The processing of the thoughts, and seeing how it's affected his life seemed even harder than talking about it in psychotherapy. It was draining to talk about it, and he was left feeling numb, and  _raw._ But to process it all later, made him feel loss, regret, emptiness, fear, pain, guilt, helplessness, and the feeling of being ashamed. But in the middle of that he felt every bit of information he felt at the time that he blocked it out in the past. Only to close his eyes to sleep to relive it all over again.

 

Merlin was in the middle of processing more thoughts when he heard footsteps coming to the direction of his flat door. Merlin didn't check his phone, but he could only assume it was Will. He was worried when he came by earlier. Merlin tried to assure him that he was doing fine. That he should go home, and take care of Soph and Aries, and not worry about him, but somehow the thought never registered in Will's mind because he found the need to come by to bother Merlin almost everyday. And if it wasn't him then it was Mithian. It was like they were taking shifts! And Will happened to be so kind enough to inform Mithian of where Arthur hid the spare flat key stuck under the door mat. Some sodden friend,  _he is!_ Merlin thought. But Merlin knew he locked the door. He even checked it twice. So if someone was coming, it was probably going to be Will. Merlin was dressed for the night, wearing an old white t-shirt, and his black and red plaid pajama bottoms. Merlin tried to wipe his face with his hands under the blanket. He didn't want anyone to worry about him. They had their own lives, they need to live it, and to leave him alone. It took another thirty seconds before key entered the lock, and the door opened.

 

**

 

When Arthur walked into his flat it was completely dark. No lights were on, in any of the rooms from where he was standing. But it didn't mean that Merlin wasn't there. Will told him that Merlin hasn't left the flat since he started psychotherapy, which he's been in for the past two weeks. Though it started before that time when he was evaluated. It was the intensive psychotherapy that Merlin's had for two weeks now. Arthur cut on the light to allow himself to see, eyes, getting temporarily blinded by the sudden change.

 

Then he walked further into the flat, and into the living room, and called out, “Merlin?”

 

Merlin's heart stopped and started back feeling like it was in his throat, he swallowed. He started rubbing his eyes hard to make sure that no tears were left, bit his bottom lip, and called back. Throat hoarse from disuse, “Arthur?”

 

Arthur's heart skipped a beat when he heard Merlin's voice, as he called his name from the sofa, and walked in the direction to find a third of a bottle of vodka, and a glass of half full of vodka on the coffee table. Arthur's heart clinched. He  _knows_ Merlin. Knows he drinks for fun, but not alone. Not unless somethings... off with him. Arthur sucked in a breath and walked around the couch to see Merlin, head to toe covered under a blanket.

 

“Merlin.” Arthur repeated softly, worriedly. He was about to pull the blanket off Merlin himself until Merlin rolled onto his back, and apparently unfolded his legs, and stretched out for a good ten seconds before he pulled the blanket down, and appeared blinded by the light. It broke Arthur's heart to see what he saw. Merlin's face looked so pale, swollen, he looked like he was crying – uncontrollably. His lips looked bitten, raw. His eyes red-rimmed. And his hair was all over the place, but that part could be constituted as  _normal._  He looked pained. His eyes had a lost expression in them, that shouldn't take residence in the folds of Merlin's ocean blue eyes. Arthur  _loved_ that color. He never looked at it the same way again, after the first time he saw it. He loved it when he was straight.

 

Arthur's mouth lost his filter, and he said the first thing that came to mind, “you look like shit!”

 

 _Now that was good to hear._  It's not like he  _hadn't_ heard that before, Merlin thought. And then he looked at Arthur. In his tight dark blue jeans that fit snugly around his hips and thighs, and his button down black shirt, and Merlin, now that he knows what to look for after failing to see it before... knows that Arthur has picked up some more weight. His face, nice and tanned like on his Facebook, those red lips, those blue eyes that all of a sudden Merlin seems so captive by, staring back at him intensively.... he must know that I'm checking him out?! Merlin groaned, and closed his eyes for a moment, wanting to put the blankets over his head again, but seeing Arthur's presence, he knew it was futile. He opened his eyes, and went for a smile, it turned to a grimace. Arthur winced. Merlin replied, voice still hoarse, “you look gorgeous, but thanks for that.”

 

Arthur's heart skipped two beats then, but he tightened his chest, and admonished himself. That's not happening. Don't even think about it! This is about us getting better. Nothing else is on the Richter scale right now. His reaction to Merlin, after rolling his eyes, “you know what I mean. What's the matter with you?!”

 

Merlin bit at his bottom lip again. It's going to bleed soon, he knew it. And he took his right hand to use his fingers to rub across his right brow, and sucked in a breath before responding, “Migraine.”

 

Arthur used his left hand to run his fingers through his hair, and licked his lips. He shifted from foot to foot, and he looked around for a moment before asking, “did you take something for it?”

 

Merlin nodded, looking at Arthur unsure, because Arthur wouldn't come home this late in the evening. He would have stayed the night at Morgana's. But if he's here now... Merlin shook his head to clear his mind, before answering the question. Voice still hoarse. Vodka made your throat feel like the Sahara Dessert, but it was numbing, and that was always a relief. If only, it allowed him to sleep through the night. “Yeah, it's just,” Merlin grimaced from where he remained lying down, stretched out with the blankets to his chest on the couch. Hands folded before him. “It just that it's not working.”

 

Arthur's eyes looked worried, he clinched his jaw. It's been so long since they've been in the same room together, and the last thing Arthur remembers is walking out. It was the _right_  thing to do. But it doesn't make the tension between them any less now. The unsaid questions out there, and the fear for the answers too. The feeling of the unknown. It wasn't a feeling Arthur wanted to feel accustomed to. He dealt with it enough, with his depression. With his waiting for Merlin to see, _hoping_  for Merlin to see, and not knowing what he would do when he did. Feelings that shake you to the core, because it's not a feeling that you can control. And control, control keeps you grounded. Arthur's love for Merlin makes him feel like he's flying. It's a high, heart always pumping hard, and it's a good feeling, but just like all things that go up, it must come back down. And when he felt those feelings were never going to be returned, that's exactly how he felt. Like he was falling, without a parachute, and was at a complete loss of what to do, or how to survive, and then the feeling of hopelessness, when you feel that there's no  _way_ to survive. Arthur felt like that several times in the past year and a half. No wonder Morgana is so overprotective, Arthur thought. But he's gotta be strong now. If he puts feelings last, friendship first, it should be alright. If he focuses on taking himself out of the equation, when it gets too rough, he will have a safety net. When he goes home, to his new captivity. He will be away from the environment because he still lives alone. Though Arthur has no doubt that the entire lot has keys to his new flat in case  _Morgana_  needs them to check on him. With the exception of Merlin, of course. And he has no doubt that she – herself - has made several copies. Arthur groaned internally, he knew he shouldn't have contacted Miranda. But she's been the Realtor for the Pendragon's for years. Who  _knew_ she was have betrayed him like this! Arthur cleared his mind. He had to focus. Arthur pushed the vodka, and the glass on the other end of the rectangular shaped cherry wood coffee table, and sat down on it to face Merlin. He raised his right brow, tone lightly amused mixed with concern. “How much  _have_  you been drinking?”

 

Merlin shrugged, and licked his bottom lip, before nibbling on it again, blue eyes meeting blue, Merlin shrugged again, “just that glass.” Merlin lied.

 

Arthur wasn't sure that he believed that. Even though Merlin looked into his eyes, his face flushed a little at the same time, and his fingers twitched. Now that Merlin's emotions are more  _out of control_  he couldn't lie as easily as he did before. Arthur processed that bit of information thinking, _“good to know.”_ Arthur's mobile buzzed in his jeans pocket. It startled Arthur. Especially since he knows for a fact that if he's got a call now, it means that Morgana's on to him. He ignored for now. He didn't think she'd come to drag him back. Unless she sent Percy, Lance, and Leon. He dismissed the thought... for now. He'll talk to her. But he'll have to do it right, because he doesn't want to push her away. They're way too close for that. Arthur raised his left brow, titled his head – to Merlin – and smirked, “really?”

 

Merlin did flush this time. That meant he lied. Arthur smiled, he was going to like this. In a teasing tone, “Are you  _drunk,_  Merlin?”

 

That he wasn't... well... maybe a little. Merlin mused before responding, “No.”

 

Arthur titled his head more to the side, to get better eye contact with Merlin – to read him, the closer the contact also allowed Arthur to get a good look at Merlin's face, and the dark circles beneath his pale skin, “you look like you haven't slept in a week.”

 

Merlin sucked in a breath, before taking his hands, and covering his face for a moment. Just a second, he thought, before removing it. “I sleep,” Merlin protested. Nose flaring. “I just... I just wake up.”

 

Arthur's chest tightened by that, and the way Merlin looked lost for a moment, before he attempted to cover it up. Arthur's phone buzzed again. It didn't startle him as much this time. He ignored it, but he wouldn't turn it off. He needs to keep track of how many times it rings. He knew his sisters limits, and it seems she has him on suicide watch. Arthur's voice softened, and he leaned forward to Merlin. He didn't touch, but leaned close enough to keep distance, and to see Merlin more intently to evaluate his words with his responses. “Why are you waking up?”

 

Merlin's eyes watered for a second, before he internally reined it back in. He shook his head, looking somewhere above Arthur to the wall. “It's just the thoughts is all.”

 

Arthur's felt his muscles in his stomach tighten, he could sense there was more. He clinched his jaw, took his right hand and fingers to run it to his hair. Made sure that is eyes showed nothing - but welcome and openness - before asking, “what thoughts?” He learned some of that from therapy. And a lifetime in the business world of learning how to read pain, while showing less yourself. Arthur was always successful at doing that, until he met Merlin. He was always open for him. He was open for his friends too, but to an extent. But Merlin had an open door that Arthur never seemed to learn how to shut. That was the main reason why he wasn't able to move on as everyone else states is so easy to do. Love doesn't work like that. Not if you're  _really_  in love.

 

Arthur's expression remained open, and welcome, any other emotion he was feeling right now was  _not_ visible. He could do that. It was a gift. And he's stronger at the moment, so the cracks of his feelings won't burst through the surface. Not if he doesn't allow it, and as long as he _remains_  in  _control_. Merlin looked like he was attempted to read Arthur's thoughts. He was never really good at it before. But now that he's heightened with emotions perhaps.... Arthur will have to keep himself in check.

 

Merlin shrugged again to himself, attempt  _failed_ for reading Arthur thoughts. Before he replied, hoarseness of his voice never completely going away, “thoughts from past experiences.”

 

Arthur didn't quite understand. He turned thoughtful, but kept the expression of welcome, and openness. “these thoughts, they're in your head?”

 

Merlin looked in the ceiling, licked his top and bottom lip, Arthur followed the motion but dismissed it, then Merlin raised his hands to place them over his face, “nightmares.”

 

Arthur raised a brow. It never failed, it was still a feeling of pulling teeth when you tried to get Merlin to talk about anything attached to something painful, or something _deeply emotional._  He only opened up to Arthur the last time when Arthur was going to leave, and  _not_  before. But Merlin surprised him as he swallowed-hard, hands still covering his face, and continued. “There nightmares based on my traumatic episodes.”

 

“What?!” Arthur shrieked the 'what' sounding out into 'whaaat,' and the shriek stopping half way through. He couldn't freak Merlin out when he finally opened up. “Merlin,” Arthur croaked, hurt, breaking through his control he had in place. Only Merlin had that open door, Arthur thought. That's why he never understood how Merlin  _missed_ it. He could never close it off long from him, even  _if_  he tried. “Are you saying, your dreaming every traumatic episode?” Arthur was quite aware that he had to relive everything in therapy. But it was completely different thing to do it in your dreams. Where you thought you were safe, in the solace of your own mind.

 

Merlin still didn't remove his hands from his face. Arthur knows, Merlin's body language – from what Merlin allowed himself to show, but after reading up on Merlin's condition, looking for the signs and symptoms, along with the causes, and treatments. Arthur can see the signs a little more for what they are. Merlin was trying to protect himself... from Arthur. Merlin was  _ashamed_  to tell him about this. He was also nervous. Nervous Arthur wouldn't understand, like Arthur  _would_ reject him for it, but protecting himself...  _from Arthur?_ Feeling ashamed... in front Arthur. Those are things Merlin has never done before. But now that Arthur sees more, he recognizes it was probably things Merlin's blocked away before too. Things he never  _allowed_  Arthur to see. Arthur got up from the coffee table, eyes intent - focused, he didn't do this often. He and Merlin are as close as two could be - as friends – but even _they_  had their limits. Merlin, because he reined in all emotions like this around Arthur, Arthur sees this... _now_. And Arthur, because he didn't want to step over a line until Merlin was ready. They were, and would always _be_ friends first before anything else. Arthur sat beside Merlin where he laid on the couch, to face him. Merlin immediately stiffened. Arthur caught it. Arthur's eyes were glossy, his jaw clinched, because he was testing his own limits now. And he needs to be careful too. He kept the openness in his expression, the welcome. Arthur's phone buzzed again, Arthur did startle just a little. Third call, Arthur thought. If she's still calling after the fifth call, Arthur would call her back then.

 

“Aren't you going to answer that?” Merlin mumbled from under his hands.

 

Arthur used his right hand and fingers to rub the back of his neck, and closed and then opened his eyes, before clinching his jaw, “not yet.”

 

Arthur leaned in closer, taking both hands to pull Merlin's hands from his face. Merlin's eyes were closed, he started shaking his head, “Arthur -” Like he couldn't bare for  _Arthur_  to see him like this.

 

Arthur kept a firm grip on Merlin's hands until he laid both at Merlin's sides. “Merlin?” Merlin still didn't open his eyes. Skin flushed like it sometimes when he felt embarrassed.  _“Mer_ lin, look at me.” Arthur continued, tone softer, “you've got  _nothing_  to hide from me.” Merlin shook his head again, before licking lips, and opening his eyes, water settling in them. Arthur continued. “If we're going to get through this then we need to be open and honest with each other. There's no reason to feel ashamed or embarrassed of anything that you need to tell me. These are  _your_  feelings, good or bad, you need to tell me. If we're going to get through this you have to to talk to me, you have to  _tell_ me what's going on. Isn't that part of processing things? Maybe your nightmares are so vivid because you haven't been letting it out.”

 

Merlin looked at him, astonished, before saying, “That's what psychotherapy is for.” If it wasn't, then  _what the hell_  was he doing torturing himself for everyday?!

 

Arthur seemed to be able to read his thoughts, because he answered the unasked question. “Will said you were talking about your experiences, the source of it - reliving them by talking about it. You talk about your feelings or something. But if you have all of those memories coming at you at once you can't possibly be covering them all. And you blocked those experiences that you talked about, maybe... maybe you have to face what you couldn't face before in order to  _truly_ move on from it.” Arthur licked his lips. Merlin followed the movement, and swallowed. Arthur noticed. “You blocked it for a reason, you never _dealt_  with it. The nightmares are given to you in increments to help you heal from it. Even though it seems... painful.” Arthur removed his right hand from the firm grip he had in Merlin's left before taking it, and running his hands through his hair. He returned his right hand back to Merlin's left, and held it firmly there again, before continuing, “the human mind can only process but so much at once. Can you tell me, some of what you're experiencing?” Arthur took both of Merlin's hands, and placed them in his hands, and squeezed them firmly.

 

Merlin followed the movement, looked at their joint hands, and swallowed. Tone still hoarse, he continued. “It's about some of my most traumatic experiences, or something closely related it. It reminds me of what I felt during that time. Like... I'm _still_  there.” Merlin turned his head, to look up into the ceiling and sighed. Arthur waited, he was a Pendragon, he could wait out just about anything for something that he wanted. “I can't sleep, not... for long. I keep seeing. Keep _feeling_ it. Sometimes the nightmares repeat itself too. And now,” Merlin eyes watered some more, a few wayward tears fell from his left eye. Arthur eyes, never leaving Merlin's removed his right hand for a moment from Merlin's to catch it with his thumb, before rubbing it into his jeans, and returning his hand back into Merlin's. Merlin's heart swelled. “I used to suffer from headaches all of the time,  _during,_  those times in the past. I think... before I started blocking things out. And now... it seems like I'm getting some of those feelings back too along with the memories.” Merlin's tone was full of pain, his eyes watered, but he looked like he was a mile away thinking about what he was saying. Like he needed to take himself out of the equation to actually say it.

 

Arthur's eyes watered too, he swallowed, and squeezed Merlin's hands in his more firmly. “Have you spoken to Dr. Monmouth about this?” Arthur somehow knew that he didn't.

 

He was right.

 

Merlin swallowed, and shook his head. “I told him about the nightmares, but not about the pain, or the headaches I've gotten back now.”

 

Arthur's phone buzzed again, Arthur's hip moved slightly on reflex, but he didn't grab his phone to answer it.”

 

Merlin's eyes were still watered, but that didn't stop him from raising his brow. “Arthur, if you need to answer the phone, answer the phone.”

 

Arthur closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again to look at Merlin, blue meeting blue, “I'll answer it soon.”

 

Merlin inhaled and then exhaled, still looking at Arthur, like he was attempting to read him. “If you have somewhere else to be?”

 

Arthur shook his head, but averted his eyes from Merlin for a moment. Merlin noticed. “I don't... have anywhere else to be.”

 

Merlin licked his lips, Arthur caught it, and Merlin noticed. Merlin looked up to the ceiling for a moment before looking back at Arthur. Tone, solemn. “I have a feeling you didn't come here to ask me about my condition. And since I didn't hear any bags come in with you..., am I to assume I'm right?”

 

Oh hell! And Arthur froze – even his hands in Merlin's, and sucked in a breath. Of all the things that Merlin decides to be perceptive about he chooses this?! Fuck! Arthur inhaled slowly, and closed off his expression to stolid.

 

Merlin was amused by all of the expressions that went across Arthur's face in that brief moment before he turned it off. He could feel Arthur's hands still in his. On one note, he was happy to be able to read Arthur like that, on another, after reading it – he was pretty sure he wasn't going to like what Arthur had to say.

 

Arthur tone was stoic, to match is expression, as he responded. “I don't know what you're talking about.”

 

And Merlin huffed, “I think you know exactly, what I'm talking about Arthur.”

 

Arthur's phone buzzed again. Fifth call. Arthur swallowed, before trying to evade the topic, “I have to take this.”

 

Merlin looked hurt, “Arthur?!”

 

Arthur removed his right hand from Merlin's again to take his thumb and forefinger to press the bridge of his nose, and responded, tone anguished, “not now, Merlin. Why don't... why don't you take a shower, and we'll talk afterward.

 

Merlin wasn't buying it, and his tone turned firm, while he gritted his teeth, eyes stubborn, “and why don't you tell me what's going on? Your the one who told me that we needed to be completely honest with each other if this is going to work, it goes  _both_ ways, Arthur.”

 

Arthur removed his left hand from Merlin's too, and stood up, going back to sitting on the coffee table. Merlin felt the loss, that extra feeling of security that only Arthur can bring. Arthur sucked in a breath, tone wavering, “I... I have to move for... a while.”

 

Merlin felt cold all of a sudden, but it wasn't from the temperature. He shivered internally anyway. Merlin eyes began to water again, a few traitorous tears falling from both eyes, he used his left sleeve to wipe them, before asking, his tone solemn, “for a while?”

 

Arthur swallowed but nodded, tone stricken, “yes.”

 

Merlin nodded too, eyes still watered – he couldn't help it, he licked his lips. “And for a while, does that mean indefinitely?”

 

Arthur's eyes faced Merlin's head on, they were averted from his to somewhere over Merlin's head before now. “That depends.”

 

“On what,” Merlin croaked.

 

“On what happens next,” Arthur replied honestly. His eyes watering too.

 

“You don't want to be with me? You don't have to avoid telling me that Arthur. I'd rather here it now then be frustrated while waiting for an answer.” Merlin said softly, before looking up to the ceiling again, wishing he could cover his face with his hands again, but knowing Arthur would take it away.

 

Arthur sucked in a breath, tone hoarse, as he followed Merlin's movements, and read his body language. “I didn't say that.”

 

Merlin looked at him again, sizing him up, tone knowing, “you don't have to, Arthur. It's written all over your face.”

 

Arthur took his right hand and covered his face for a moment before sighing, it turned into a groan, “I need... time Merlin, and you don't know what you want.”

 

Merlin sat up from where he laid on the coach all of this time, putting his feet on the floor, leaning back to rest his head against the back of the sofa, and stared at Arthur head on. “I've told you what I want -”

 

Arthur raised his right hand for silence. His shook his head, his eyes started watering more, he clinched his jaw. When he spoke, his tone was hoarse and pained. “You  _told_  me. After  _seven_  years, after you've  _now_  unlocked those parts of your emotions that you  _love_  me. While all of the time in  _between_  you've been involved with anyone else in,  _but_  me. How do you know for sure once you've finished  _processing_ everything that you will even  _want me?”_

 

Stunned, and paled, Merlin responded, tone equally hoarse and pained, “I know, what's in my heart Arthur.”

 

And that set Arthur off, chest visibly shaking. “And that maybe true. But the fact of the matter is that you haven't even been  _single_  for a  _month.”_ Merlin winced, but Arthur continued. “How do you even know that you're  _ready_  for a relationship? You have all of this going on right now, do you really think adding a relationship is in your favor right too?” Arthur shook his head, eyes blazing. “And what about  _me,_  Merlin? I'm suffering from depression, I'm still in therapy, trying to get better. Is it fair to ask me to just throw everything in to.... to try now, when you haven't even finished dealing with everything that you need to? How do you think I'd feel if I put everything out there just for you to drop me like the many blokes before me?” Merlin didn't have a proper defense, not for any of that. He just knew what was in his heart. And he knew that he wouldn't leave Arthur, that he  _couldn't_  leave Arthur. Arthur voice was rising, he stood up from where he was seated at the coffee table, and started pacing back and forth from behind the coffee table. “I'll tell you how, it would  _destroy_  me, if you did that to me right now, Merlin.” Arthur shook his hand. Merlin's tears started falling without anything to stop it. He bit his bottom lip, before licking it with his tongue. “It will _destroy_  me. I can't even think about taking that step right now.” Arthur ended with a whisper.

Merlin raised his head again to look into the ceiling while his tears fell some more. He pulled his legs up to to place his chin on his knees, and wrapped his arms around his knees. This... is his fault. He did this. Arthur never worried about this before he came along. He was confident, vibrant, joyful, a force of nature, and full of life. And Merlin came a long, took Arthur's heart, and stomped on it. And now... Merlin shook his head, and licked his top and bottom lip, before saying in a soft tone, “okay.”

 

Arthur stopped pacing to turn to Merlin, he took his left hand, and rubbed it across from right to left underneath his eyes, and the bridge of his nose. And looked at Merlin incredulously. “What?”

 

Merlin just continued to look into the ceiling, tone full of emotion. “I said  _okay._  I  _never_  wanted to hurt you, Arthur. And my having a disorder - which is still me by extension,  _my actions_  – has hurt you anyway. Whether I knew or not, the damage  _is_  done.” Merlin swallowed. “I'm not going to push you into something that you don't want to do.” He sucked in a breath, “but I  _am_  sorry for hurting you, because it's the _last_  thing that I would ever want to do in this world.” Merlin finished looking at Arthur head on, tears still falling, crestfallen, but completely sincere.

 

It broke Arthur's heart,  _again._  Tears were falling down Arthur's face too now, he took a deep breath, “I didn't come here for that... I came here to be with you. I'm moving. But I'll still be here for you. To _support_ you, Merlin. I want you to be healthy.”

 

Merlin nodded, slowly. And then he clinched his jaw, tone becoming more firm. “You don't have to. I don't need anyone to take care of me -”

 

“Merlin!” Arthur was angry, his eyes fired up, nostrils flaring, he was  _trying._  What did Merlin expect him to do?! “I'm trying to help here, does it have to be all or nothing?”

 

Merlin's raised his head back into the ceiling to eye it, and pulled his limbs back into his safe position before he started rocking back and forth slowly. “I don't want you here if you don't  _want_  to be here, Arthur. I don't  _need_  you to feel that you _have_ to be. And I don't want to stand in your way. Like you said,” Merlin's tone got firmer as he went on, “you've been in love with me for  _seven_  years, and it would  _destroy_  you if you were hurt. I can't  _be_ responsible for that. I'm  _already_  responsible for that. I don't think I'd  _want_ to know what it would feel like to hurt you like that again.” Merlin shook his head, and lowered it back to look at Arthur, tears still flowing freely. Merlin cried so many tears over the past few weeks. He swallowed, tone hoarse. “But I know that I'm in love with you, and once I'm done with all of this psychotherapy shit, I know that I'll  _still_ be in love with you. But I don't think I can have you in my life like that, and not be able to have you,” Merlin raised his hand, when Arthur opened his mouth to speak to stop him. Merlin's voice was hoarse, his face full of emotion, cheeks red. “You loved me for _seven_  years, but I never knew that Arthur. You  _still_ love me. And  _now_  I  _know_  it, and on top of that,  _I love you too._  I don't think I can handle not be able to have you while your well within my reach to do so. I don't know if I can do that at all. And I don't know how you did it, while  _feeling_  it. Especially since I've closed off all of my painful feelings starting at an early age until now. It would break my heart to not be able to have you.” Merlin finished shaking his head, and then covering his face with both hands.

 

Arthur found himself looking at the ceiling too. He swallowed-hard, tears falling freely, and his chest  _stung._  He used his right hand to use his thumb and forefinger to press the bridge of his nose, heart beating fast, he responded. Voice grieved. “I _can't._.. I can't promise you that right now, Merlin. There's  _still..._  so many things that we haven't discussed. Things that we have to deal with, before we can  _even_ think about anything else. And even though you say you love me... I still don't know if it's for the right reasons.” Merlin moved his knees from his chin, unwrapping his arms first to lower his legs to the floor to get up. Arthur's voice raised higher, “And on top of that, I'm not making any decisions until we're healthier enough to truly be able to make it.” Arthur's facial expression went from stricken to intense. “I  _want_  you to be healthy, and if you  _claim_  you love me, and  _still_  mean it once you are, then... we can revisit this conversation. But  _not_  before then.” Arthur  _never_  thought he'd  _ever_  say that. Never thought he'd  _ever_  turn Merlin away, and now, his done it  _twice_  in less than three weeks! If someone told him he would have done that seven years ago he would have laughed in their face, and even made a wager against it. And look how the tide changes now.

 

Merlin was still looking at Arthur, Arthur brings about intense emotions in him. It was the one emotion that broke through his walls when Arthur left. And those intense emotions still remain. Merlin knows in his heart that those feelings are not going to change. Even now, with all of his emotions running through him like a electric current, he's well aware that once everything calms down that his love for Arthur will be the one feeling that will remain beyond a shadow of the doubt. Merlin sucked in a breath, took his right hand, to run his fingers through his hair, and licked his lips before confirming. “And when,” because Merlin wasn't going to say 'if,' “I'm  _healthy_  again, and I tell you, because I know that my feelings aren't going to change,” Arthur's heart skipped a beat, those blue eyes showing nothing but love in them despite how he's trying to cover it. “well you give  _us_  a try?”

 

Arthur has waited it feels like his whole life to hear those words from Merlin when it's only been seven years. Arthur used his right hand to rub over his mouth, before he closed his eyes and then opened them. “If your  _healthy,_  if you  _still_  love me, and if you are _ready_  for a relationship, we'll talk.” Arthur groaned, and used his left hand and ran it through his hair. “But there's something else you should know.”

 

Merlin did get up then, and covered his face with both of his hands while shaking his head, and mumbled from underneath his hands. “Is it anything worse than what you've just told me?” Merlin had to ask. Voice the woe is me tone.

 

Arthur used both of his hands to wipe his face and cheeks from for any remaining tears that may have fallen before saying. “My therapist advises that I have to get out there,  _meet_ people. Do things  _outside_  my normal. Like with my friends that I met while I was away.”

 

Merlin held firm, without moving, hands still covering his face. He couldn't help the flare of jealousy that went through him. He's still getting in control of everything, and with everything flooding back, his emotions are heightened. But on a good note, the pressure from his migraine subsided a while ago. Once everything calmed down inside, Merlin lowered his hands from his face, and sat back down on the chair leaning back, he gave his best grin to Arthur. Even though it hurt his face, and said innocently, “sounds... reasonable.”

 

Arthur... was  _not_ following, because Merlin's whole demeanor changed before his very eyes, and he didn't know what he was thinking, or by the looks of it --planning. Arthur shook his head, and licked his lips. Merlin followed the movement easily. And just continued to look at Arthur, blue meeting blue. “Do you know what that means, Merlin?” Arthur asked, because he didn't think he did.

 

Merlin knows  _exactly_ what that means. Merlin used his hands and ran it through his hair, causing it to stick up all sorts of ways - like it does when he's just woken up in the morning, and then he used his hands, and ran it over his face before looking Arthur dead in the eyes while keeping his best grin – with  _all_  the dimples. And it didn't _matter_  to Arthur, even with Merlin looking like shit, he still looked _hot._  Merlin seemed quite aware it too.  _Damn!_  Arthur swallowed-hard, while waiting on Merlin to speak. He didn't have to wait much longer. And Merlin's tone was confident. “I know  _exactly_ what you mean, Arthur.” And Merlin got up from the couch, and Arthur started to feel a little... uncomfortable. “You mean you're going to have to meet new people because your therapist thinks it can't be healthy if you continue to love someone who doesn't love you back.” Merlin walked slowly as he went over to the other side of the coffee table where Arthur was standing in his 'once' secure location. “You mean, that if you get out there you'll get to meet new people -  _other_  than me. And even if you don't feel the same for those..  _new people_ after you do meet them, it will still give you a healthy dose of being outside of your old environment, while giving you time away from  _me.”_  Merlin made it to Arthur, but Arthur was backing away too as Merlin advanced, walking – slowly - backwards until he ran out room, backing into the white wall with no place to go. He flushed, and he swallowed-hard.

 

Merlin made it in front of Arthur, and placed both of his hands on either side of Arthur's face to rest on the wall, and leaned in chest to chest. Arthur froze, and sucked in a breath. Merlin's breath smelled like vodka. But it didn't matter to Arthur. His heart was beating so fast he was certain that Merlin could hear it. And given the grin that just turn to Merlin's smirk,  _he did._  Merlin's tone became seductive as he continued. "You mean, they may even want you to  _date_  over people.” Arthur felt heat flowing through him at Merlin's close vicinity, and it was all going south. Merlin  _slowy_  moved his face in closer to the side of Arthur's, “I understand exactly what you mean,” Merlin leaned in closer his lips grazed Arthur's ear, and the heat from his breath – the touch – did  _things_  to Arthur. Merlin whispered. “It's fine, if that's what you need. I  _want_  you to. Because once I'm healthy, and once your done, I want no more room from either of us left for doubts.” And Merlin used his right thumb to graze Arthur's bottom lip back and forth. Arthur closed his eyes, and had to hold back a moan. He felt a chill run down his spine. And when he opened his eyes, they were dazed. And Merlin... had to do _very little_ to affect him. As it stood, Arthur lips leaned into Merlin's right thumb as Merlin continued to graze it. Their eyes intense. “I  _want_  to know that your sure too.” And since Merlin wasn't done, now that he removed his finger. He moved his face to Arthur's, looked him the eyes to allow him to see the emotions coming from him that he never could show him before, and Arthur looked like he would have dropped to his knees if Merlin asked him to, but Merlin wasn't going to, because Arthur...  _was right._

 

Merlin eyes left Arthur's flicking to Arthur's red lips, before deciding to save the best for last. He moved slowly  _\- very slowly -_  and leaned in to give soft velvety kisses to the top of Arthur's forehead, the top of Arthur's right brow, and the top of his left. He then used the tip of his nose to tease the tip of Arthur's. It was so... intimate, and Arthur  _shivered._  Their breaths continued to dance around each other as the warmth from it flared into the two creating something much... deeper, and much bigger in the pits of their stomachs. If there was  _ever_  a question of chemistry between the two, there would be no mistake about it now. Arthur's hands never left his sides, he didn't think he could move them if he wanted to. But Arthur's heart  _did_  skip a beat. And with each kiss planted...  it felt like it was stopping and restarting Arthur's heart. And Merlin didn't like much different if the rapid rise and fall of his chest, and his flushed skin were any indication. As they continued to stand only a breath apart. The tension was electric between them. Merlin lightly nudged Arthur's nose with his own. Both of them breathing heavily. And then Merlin licked his lips, and looked at Arthur's lips one more time before leaning in to graze Arthur's lips softly with his tongue, before giving a light blow over it. Arthur moaned, his knees almost gave out from the shock of the kiss, his heart - hammering, and if there were any doubt of him being hard before... Arthur swallowed. What the hell was Merlin doing to him?!

 

Merlin backed away slowly, he was reading all of Arthur's expressions - it seemed, now that he  _can_  see it, it seems he's trying his best not to miss it. When Merlin spoke, he was hoarse, “To give you something to remember me by while you  _meet_  your prospects.” Like Arthur  _could_  have ever forgotten Merlin. Now he has other  _things_ he won't be able to forget too! Arthur, was still frozen on the wall while Merlin was walking backwards, almost tripping on the coffee table, but steadying himself before saying - grin in place - tone sure, “but just so you know, in case you  _didn't_  get the message. The ball's in  _your_  court Pendragon. I  _won't_  kiss you again. Not unless you  _want_ me to.” Merlin's licked his lips, and Arthur  _longed_  for more, even his eyes flared with desire, but he would stand firm. Merlin continued, eyes twinkling, tone challenging, “And  _this_  time, no more excuses,  _no more signs_ , no ones to blame. When it's time, _you're_  going to have to  _tell me_ so. And  _when_  you do, then I'll know it's what you want. And in the meantime...” Merlin said more seriously, tone more determined, eyes firm. “I will do  _whatever_  it takes to get better, and I'll let you be my support, and help if you feel you need to be.” And what could Arthur say to that?

 

Arthur's phone buzzed again. Arthur was  _still_  frozen on the wall. His face was flushed, his eyes - still -full of desire, his heart was pumping - rapidly, and if it couldn't be worse – his cock was painfully  _hard_ in his tight blue jeans. While Merlin was across the room looking at him with an expression of amusement. Merlin had to ask, with a smile. Surprised he had a smile after so many days without one. “Aren't you going to answer that?”

 

Arthur shook his head to wake himself out of his daze, to calm himself down – it wasn't going to be easy, and then he nodded it. “Why don't you take a shower or something. I'll take this outside on the patio.” Arthur requested, voice hoarse. It was Merlin and Arthur code for: I need a moment alone. And Arthur felt like he really did. He was still recuperating from Merlin's advancements. He'd never experienced Merlin's  _advancements_  before, and Arthur wondered how he would have felt if Merlin decided to do anything more. Arthur shivered at the thought.

 

Merlin nodded. Eyes still shining, he gave a soft smile. “I'll just take a shower.”  _A cold shower,_ Merlin thought, since he was painfully aware of a problem that needed to be addressed. It was another reason why he backed away from Arthur when he did.

 

Arthur nodded, eyes still showing longing, but he wasn't going to succumb to it. They had a solid plan. “Have you eaten?”

 

Merlin looked sheepish.

 

Arthur shook his head giving Merlin a fond smile, “idiot. I'll take this, and when I come back we'll see what's here for dinner or order take out. I haven't eaten dinner yet either. Sounds like a plan?”

 

Merlin smiled again, eyes watered – it kept doing that, but it was a happy feeling that caused it. “Sounds like a plan. I'll just... go... take a shower.” Merlin smiled to him one more time backing away, and Arthur smiled back, eyes still longing. He licked his lips. Merlin followed the movement, before he licked his too, both tasting each other. They both blushed. And then Merlin turned away, and walked down the hallway to his room.

 

And Arthur, after he regained some composure. Arthur sucked in a breath because now... he knew he was about to be told other from every which way from Sunday. Arthur sighed, sucked in a breath, and began his journey to outside patio.

 

**

 

“Arthur,” Morgana said before Arthur could even say a gratuity, “where the hell are you?!”

 

That raised the hairs on the back of Arthur's neck. His eyes tightened, and he gritted his teeth. “I think you know exactly where I am Morgana otherwise you wouldn't be calling.”

 

“Now you listen to me dear sweet brother of mine. If you start doing this, if you start going off in the middle of your recovery, and you refuse to listen. I will tell father!”

 

Arthur stilled. And his heart felt like it did too, he felt cold, in his bones. Arthur croaked, “Morgana, you're already acting like him in these situations.” His response didn't take away his fear though.

 

“And you're acting like a spoiled brat! I'm doing everything to help you, Arthur. You! Not me! All of the things I've done is to help you. I have a daughter - your niece - in her bed sleeping. And you accused me of overdoing it. You know just as well as I do that I haven't even hit the tip of the _iceberg_  of overdoing it if father actually found out what's  _really_  been going on with you! After what I have done to help. And you would have been so lucky to have seen ever seen Merlin!” Arthur heart started to beat heavily, his palms started to sweat. He moved his mobile from his right to left ear, and then left back to right as he wiped them on his jean pants legs. “At least I  _didn't_ lock you up? I looked for the best resort out there that had everything needed while catering to _your needs_. Yes, I overstepped, by purchasing a flat outside of your guidelines, but I purchased you a gorgeous flat, and you're complaining that it's too far away from Merlin when it's right beside your  _own_  family that you choose to see, I might add, when you fall in your pits of despair with Merlin anyway. I made it _easier_  for you, and of course I would want to keep up on your progress Arthur.

 

Of course I'd  _want_  you to keep some distance from the person who you have an unrequited love for. Love is one of the strongest emotions Arthur, right up their with hate. Why would I want you to torture yourself with someone who doesn't love you back?! And even _if_ those feelings are somewhat requited now, he can't even give you what you need right now because he's got a lot of shit that he has to deal with on his own, and without you wanting to believe it or not Arthur,  _so do you._  Arthur started counting backwards from one hundred to try to calm down, he was breathing heavily now, skin flushed. “So before you call me overbearing or overprotective consider why I'm doing that because it wasn't, but so long ago you considered killing yourself. And more than once dear brother. It wasn't but so long ago you fell apart right at my feet. I  _refuse_ to let you go through that again. Not if I can help it. I never forbade you to see Merlin, nor would I, I know how close you two are. But I wanted you to keep some healthy distance. I know for a fact that was told for you to do too. And going there, your first night back, when you're probably still feeling everything from the transition of being away, it  _wasn't_  the best option for you right now. And you  _know_  that I don't want to tell father, but if you can't meet me half way here, if you can't take care of yourself, and finish your treatment properly, if I see signs again of those worse stages of your depression. I'll be forced to tell him about it this time, Arthur.”

 

There is a reason Arthur didn't want to go to his father about this, or have him find out. And both he and Morgana know it. And it was even more deeper than the reasons Arthur presented over the years, but hinted very closely at it. Their father was born with a twin, his sister's name was Margaret, and she was beautiful. Morgana actually got her looks more from her. She'd suffered from depression, and had uni-polar depression for years. But she was always a cool Aunt. She'd come to visit every month or so, and showered them both with presents every time, and she'd called at least weekly. But then the calls began to come in less frequent over time, until they stopped altogether. Arthur and Morgana were both worried about their Aunt, and asked their father to check up on her, stating that they were worried. They were aware of her illness. But she managed well with it. Their father, who was a little more concerned himself assured them that he would check up on their Aunt, and told them not to worry. That he would 'fix it.' The situation with Aunt Margaret - as they all found out - was a lot worse than they thought. Their father took two weeks off from work, and arranged for Gaius to look after them. The Pendragon mansion had enough staff to cover their physical needs, they had they're own money, and Morgana - at the age of fourteen - was old enough to be left in charge, under the supervision of Gaius, who would check in periodically.

 

When their father returned a week and a half later, he returned  _without_ their Aunt Margaret, and  _without_  a real explanation aside from, I sent her away to get help. That meant nothing to him and Morgana. Morgana started to becoming more covert - to see if she could learn anything - and by extension, so did Arthur. When Gaius came over one evening - a few weeks later - they both knew that this would be the opportune time to learn something, because Gaius, was their father's confidant. Morgana focused on hearing everything while lightly focusing on any movement towards the door of their father's study, where they sat on the floor at the other side of it. Glasses propped on the door to listen through intently. And while Morgana was tasked to hear every word, and lightly focus on movement. Arthur was tasked to heavily focus on movement, and lightly focus on hearing every word. They would compare notes in detail later, but they couldn't _afford_ to get caught.

 

_** Flashback**_

 

“ _Gaius, your should have seen her. She... she was so beautiful before, but now...” Uther shook his head, head bowed from his side of the desk. Gaius watching from his seat on the other side. “She quit her job at the museum. I managed to talk her boss, and a few workers, and they said that she started declining rapidly over these fast few months. That it wasn't like this before.” Uther shook his head, and clinched his jaw, eyes glossed, as he took a sip of his scotch._

 

 _Gaius leaned in some from his chair, hands still resting on the armrest raised his left brow slightly, “what do you mean by_ before?”

 

_Uther sat up in his chair, head resting on the head rest, and shook his head before looking at Gaius. “Apparently she's been having bouts of this for a little over a year now or so now. She lived with for a while, as you know, but it's been manifesting more over the last year. Unexplained absences, leaving early, coming in late, arriving drunk, having public disturbances.” Uther shook his head again, raising his right hand from his armrest of his chair to run over his face. “Apparently they'd find her crying uncontrollably, her attitude would change from worry, to anxious, to being angry frequently, she stopped hanging out with her friends. She looked... drained...and... hollow – like I saw her. And she claimed that she was suffering a lot from aches and pains, they informed me.”_

 

_Gaius deadpan expression softened. “Did you talk to her?”_

 

 _Uther nodded, and move forward to place his elbows on his desk to rest his head in his hands. “I did. She barely understood me, barely_ recognized _me. She just kept mumbling that she wanted it to be over, that it had to be easier than living.”_

 

 _Gaius' eyes watered too. He loved Margaret, she moved to the other side of London, to Bristol, to strike it out on her own from the family business. At least... that's what she said at the time. Gaius was beginning to think she may have been having some of those stronger symptoms then. He still suggested, “Can't you bring her back_ here, _at least for a while?”_

 

“ _I can't bring her into my home like that, Gaius. I have no means to watch over here, and I can't turn my home into a psych ward with my two very_ impressionable _children across the mansion. Not to mention, what if she acts that way in front of the children? Talking about wanting it to end. What if she gets angry at them, has a panic attack, or starts breaking down and crying uncontrollably in front of_ them, _and heaven forbid, what if she followed through with her thoughts, and they found her here Gaius?” Uther downed the last half of his scotch in his glass in one go, before refilling the glass with the bottle that sat beside it to the rim. He shook his head, after he grimaced, from the burning sensation of the scotch. “You talked about it yourself before Gaius, when your nephew was physically and verbally abused all of those years ago. You said that your sister got that_ bastard _out of that house, got_ Merlin _out of that environment.”_

 

_** End of Flashback **_

 

Arthur processed the memory, and though he was only tasked to listen lightly, something came across  _now_  that didn't come across  _before,_ because he was too distraught about his Aunt. Arthur's chest tightened, and his jaw clinched.

 

“You knew!” Arthur choked out. Morgana was tasked to listen heavily to that discussion, and Morgana missed  _nothing,_  and remembered  _everything._  Just like their  _father._ And _if_  Arthur was tasked to listen heavily, he would have done the same. _He wasn't._  They were supposed to compare everything later. That part of the discussion was  _not_  mentioned. Only remembering now brought it back.

 

“Knew what Arthur?” Morgana sounded frustrated.

 

“You knew about Merlin?!” Arthur said accusingly. Eyes intense, nostrils flared.

 

“Arthur, I'm not following?” Morgana sounded tired.

 

“You knew, about Merlin's father abusing him before now. And so did father.”

 

Silence.

 

Morgana sighed, and responded apologetically, but unperturbed, “It wasn't my secret to tell Arthur.”

 

Arthur groaned, raised his left hand, and ran his hand and fingers through his hair, tugging it sharply to bring him back to focus. “But... all this time, I've been trying to figure out why he never recognized -”

 

Morgana's tone turned angry. She was not taking the blame for that. “How was I supposed to know that he turned off his emotions to feel pain Arthur?! How was I supposed to know that his mother didn't get him help?! All we heard was that his father abused him, and that his mother kicked his father out of the house. Merlin never looked like he was recovering from abuse, and he definitely wasn't afraid of you! There were no signs to show me that it was something I  _should_  mention. And if he never mentioned it himself, who's to say he wouldn't feel hurt, betrayed, humiliated, or even ashamed that others knew. He obviously didn't  _want_  you to see that side of him, Arthur. He's only been showing you his best side, with whatever he has to offer.”

 

Arthur sucked in a breath, eyes watering slightly, gritting his teeth, “he needs my help Morgana.”

 

“And you need help too, Arthur!” Morgana shrieked in agitation.

 

“Morgana -” Arthur tried again, trying to stay calm, his tone soft, but firm.

 

“Don't Morgana me, Arthur! If you thought about that moment, you had to be thinking about Aunt Margaret. And you know exactly what happened to her!” Morgana said sharply.

 

And Arthur did.

 

_** Flashback **_

 

“ _So what are you going to do?” Gaius asked, with a frown, worry evident on his face as he looked at his old friend raising his right hand seeing him rub it across his forehead._

 

_Uther shook his head. His expression turned from distraught to hardened, right before Gaius' very eyes. Gaius felt a chill run down his spine._

 

“ _I fixed it. I did what I had to do. I went to the doctor, they evaluated her, and declared her mentally incapable to take care of her own well being. According to the courts, no one can have a loved one involuntarily committed unless they are a threat to themselves or someone else. She didn't want to go, but she's was falling apart in front of my very eyes.”_

 

 _Gaius used his left hand, and ran his hand and fingers through his hair, he swallowed, eyes turning glossy. And asked, expression grim, voice terse, “Uther, what did you_ do?”

 

 _Uther downed a half of his glass of scotch in one go, used the fingers of his right hand to run against his right brow, and then turned back to Gaius, expression hardening again. Gaius did_ not _like that expression._ “I fixed it.  _I went to the courts, and had her guardianship was turned over to me, with proof from the doctor that she was mentally incapable of making her own decisions, and that she claimed that she wanted to end her life repeatedly. I then institutionalized her.” Uther said, as he finished the rest of his half of the glass of scotch in the glass in one go, eyes turning colder - firm, he nodded to Gaius, and repeated. “I fixed it.”_

 

_No one knew the statistics apparently. But the statistics suggest that middle-aged individuals who are institutionalized involuntarily are more likely to commit suicide. Aunt Margaret killed herself six months later._

 

_** End of Flashback **_

 

It's the reason why Arthur would submit himself to just about anything Morgana was asking for right now.  _Anything_ to prevent his father from finding out, and feeling like he needed to make the hard choice, the  _'fix it'_ choice. And Arthur is all to familiar with the laws regarding it, he researched it himself after that discussion between Uther and Gaius. (And the laws haven't changed since). It couldn't have been right to commit Aunt Margaret without her permission, Arthur thought. He thought their father must have done something else. As it turned out... he was well within his right. And more importantly, he could - and probably would - do the same thing to Arthur. Even now, if he were to find out. He would only be outside of his grounds once Arthur is deemed fully recovered, and set for normal follow up. As of now, he's not. He didn't want what happened to Aunt Margaret to happen to him. And he didn't think he would have been to survive being locked up, and alone either. But he _couldn't_  submit to abandoning Merlin in his time of need either.  _There has to be something in between._

 

Arthur swallowed, closed his eyes, and licked his lips before saying softly, “I'm not her Morgana.”

 

Morgana's tone softened too, she must have been thinking about what happened with their Aunt too. “I know that, Arthur. And you don't have the same condition. But she did have uni-polar _depression,_  and you do have  _depression_  as a result of an unrequited love. Your depression may not have lasted seven years, but you  _have_ been in love for seven years. Now you see why I wanted everything checked once you left?” She didn't wait for an answer, she didn't need to. “You know that it's a condition that can be hereditary. But that's besides the point. Depression is  _very_  serious, and your just playing with fire now, and asking to be burned. And depression just doesn't go away because you think you can manage, and you decide to try harder to do so. It takes _time_  Arthur. And I saw you this evening. You _still_ need time.” Morgana sighed. “I know what you did, to keep up pretenses in front of father. You looked up all of the signs of depression, and made sure that you never showed any of it in front of him.  _Newsflash_  darling little brother, I  _can_  see it! I spend the most time with you, apart from Merlin who can't see it because he turned his emotions off to feel that kind of pain. You might think that I'm being overbearing Arthur, and maybe in some ways I am, but I don't think that you're taking this as seriously as you may think.” Morgana sounded pained, “how do you think I'd feel if I lost you?”

 

Arthur felt guilty, because she's right about every word that she said, but... still. Arthur took his left hand and fingers and rubbed them over both of his eyes to wipe the wayward tears that fell, he swallowed, “how do you think I'd feel if I lost  _him,_  Morgana?” Arthur asked instead. If anything would break him, it would be to see Merlin fall apart, because he wasn't there to help him.

 

Morgana swallowed, and her voice softened, and hardened as her point starting to come across next. “Fair enough. But if you're going to be spending time with Merlin then this is what I need for you to do in return,” she paused, thinking Arthur was going to interrupt, he didn't. “You will have daily one hour therapy sessions with Nimueh five days a week.” She paused again, no interruption. “You will come home every night for supper, and you  _will_ come to check in with me.” No interruption. “Father already said that you could have more time off because we're at a slow point, and I'm there as well. Take the next month off to keep your head clear, and to stay out from father's radar right now. You'll still need to go visit at the mansion at least once a week to keep up pretenses. But from what I understand, Merlin is an emotional roller-coaster right now, it's going to show in you no matter how much you try to hide it. And you have to promise to eat, three times a day -- and snacks, maintain exercise, and to spend time with the lot, and people  _outside_  of Merlin, as prescribed. Your friends will be getting out soon. You can start out with them. Deal?” They always talked as though they were finalizing a business deal, when they were bargaining something that affected the other at this magnitude. They'd been doing it since they were kids.

 

Arthur closed his eyes, and swallowed, before opening them back up again. It was a lot, but nothing  _unbearable._  It just gave Arthur a sense of structure like he had when he was away. And it was... fair. A checks and balances of a sort. Arthur didn't have a reason to disagree. And it still blocked it from their father finding out about him, and deciding to  _'fix it.'_

 

“I'll do it, under one condition,” Arthur took his left thumb and forefinger to press it to the bridge of his nose, before using that same hand with fingers to run through his hair, right hand still holding the phone. Voice hoarse. “I want to take Merlin away from here, for a about a week, maybe... two. Arthur paused, and took a deep breath before getting to the hard part. “The psychotherapy sessions seem to be draining him, and he's having vivid nightmares of the abuse. I want to take him to the family lake house that we have in Wales, just to take him out of the environment. To get him out of the flat, to help him process some of the things that are still coming-”

 

Morgana sounded alarmed, “Arthur -”

 

Arthur tried to continue, as if uninterrupted, “We can go after Christmas. And this way we still won't miss Autumn's Christmas play, or the normal holiday fluff. And while away, I'll have the daily one hour phone conferences with Nimueh during that time. We can use the laptop and make it a video conference if necessary. I'll even contact you daily through Skype as well. But he  _needs this_ Morgana.” Arthur finished, before saying, voice strained, _“We need this.”_

 

Silence.

 

Morgana's tone sounded neutral, as if she was considering it, “what about his doctor?”

 

Arthur could almost smile, he closed his left hand into a fist instead before releasing it. “I'll talk to Dr. Monmouth, and if he approves, we'll do it, and follow any conditions he has as well.”

 

Silence.

 

“Morgana?” Arthur called, eyes tense, tone worried.

 

Silence

 

“Counteroffer -” Morgana stated, tone firm.

 

“Morgana!” Arthur called out, agitated.

 

But Morgana was not going to back down, her tone remained firm, “no Arthur, I'll accept your condition if I can come to visit mid-way during your stay. I'll bring Gwaine and Autumn, we'll make it a family time. Who knows, maybe we'll bring Will, Sophia, and Aries too. Autumn will have someone to play with. We'll stay for a day, maybe two.” Morgana paused, tone turning back to concerned. “You are  _too good_  at hiding, unless you've lost control, and I need to see for myself, aside from a video conference that you're okay. Only with the counteroffer will I accept your condition. Take it our leave it.”

 

Arthur gritted his teeth, and clinched his jaw, but he couldn't disagree, “Deal,” Arthur agreed.

 

“And Arthur?” Morgana, tone turned knowing.

 

“Yes?” Arthur swallowed.

 

“Use that time wisely, on  _all_ fronts.” She was basically telling him that he needed to take the time – away, and out of their environment, together - to decide what he wanted to do. Morgana couldn't make it any plainer.

 

Arthur swallowed again, and nodded, before remembering that she couldn't see him before responding, tone grateful, “I will.”

 

Morgana continued, tone protective again, “And call me, when you're about to leave. It's getting late, and it's been raining. The roads are wet. If you feel you can handle it, spend the night. But call me first thing in the morning. I'll be sure to contact father, and then Nimueh to arrange your appointment times to have her clear her calendar, but you'll need to contact father, to to check in. You know he worries about us when he hasn't heard from us for long, and you've been away for two weeks.”

 

“I called him a few times to check in.” Arthur said, voice tight.

 

Morgana's tone turned firm, “He'll need to  _see_ you, Arthur. Especially, if your going away to the family cabin for a week and a half... or _two._  It's not part of your  _normal_  routine.  _And,_  your taking  _Merlin._  I'm pretty sure Gaius has told father all about what's been going on with him right now. And they'll know that you too are going together.”

 

Not a good thing. Arthur sighed, “Fine, I'll go and see him in a few days.”

 

Morgana tone turned soft, “good,” and then her tone turned softer, more fonder, “I love you, you know that, Wart?” It was something that she called him from time to time, when she really wanted him to be sure of something – beyond - all doubt.

 

Arthur swallowed, his eyes started to water, he responded. Tone hoarse, “I love you too, Gana.” It was how he would respond in return.

 

“Goodnight, Arthur.” Morgana's tone was concerned, but trying to be understanding.

 

“Goodnight.” Arthur's tone was thankful, and fond.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A penny for your thoughts.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to take the time to thank you all for the wonderful reviews that you've sent in. It continues to inspire me to get these chapters posted daily, and I love to read your thoughts and perspective on this story! This is another long chapter, not like the last one, but long like some of the previous ones. This chapter is also unbeta'd. If you see anything, please feel free to point it out, and I will make the corrections. I checked it several times, but it doesn't mean that I may not have missed something.
> 
> This chapter is from Arthur's POV. It does have two flashbacks. We have read from his POV a good bit, but not like we've read it from Merlin's. And not solely as Arthur's POV. Most of the details of Arthur has come from his friends, and from Morgana at this point. In this chapter, Arthur's POV is showing from the past, to where he is now. Where his head is at that is, before he and Merlin takes that much needed trip.
> 
> Warnings for some triggers for depression. Nothing graphic.

 

When Arthur laid in his bed for the night, his thoughts went to what transpired that day, and on the days that led him to this point. He and Merlin finally made a plan, a plan they  _both_  could agree on. A plan that _Arthur_  could agree on. Arthur was under no delusions that it wouldn't be difficult for him to be supportive, and to remain _strictly_  friends with Merlin. He would be a fool if he was. But he also knows that he would  _never_  let a friend suffer through something so traumatic on his own. Even if Merlin had Will and Mithian,  _Arthur_  intended to be there too. Just as he was before, but with some... necessary restrictions during the process. Merlin may not have been aware of Arthur's feelings for him in the past, but Merlin was  _always_  present and accounted for in Arthur's life, even if it wasn't the way that Arthur wanted him to be. How could he allow Merlin to go through his pain alone when Merlin was always there for him? How could he allow Merlin to suffer the same fate as his Aunt, who died feeling like she was totally alone? Arthur would never leave anyone to suffer that fate, and he certainly wouldn't leave Merlin - of all people, to feel like he was alone when it was within Arthur's power to give him what he needs.

 

Everyone had the impression that Merlin had the power in their relationship over the years because of Arthur's love for Merlin. Because of everything that they  _saw_  Arthur do for Merlin. They never really  _saw_  the things that Merlin's done for Arthur in return. That's probably because Merlin never bragged about it, or argued his case. And the times people  _saw_  things it was only to see Arthur doing things, and not the other way around. They never saw when Arthur cooked – since Merlin clearly couldn't, that Merlin would clean up behind them. They never saw when Arthur did the laundry that Merlin would dust, clean, or straighten out their flat. They never saw when Arthur took care of their vehicles for maintenance, that Merlin would take care of getting their cars to the car wash. And they never saw when Arthur would bring food to Merlin at work, that Merlin – on his days off, would pick Arthur up and take him to lunch – because he couldn't cook. There were other things too, which their friends did know, but somehow managed to forget when they decided to take sides thinking Merlin was no friend to Arthur at all. They forgot about the time when Merlin took Arthur to Spain shortly after Merlin had enough money on his own in his profession to do it. It was a thank you, for Arthur supporting him over the years, for being his best friend. They never saw how Merlin took care of Arthur when he came down with the flu one year, and pneumonia the next. And they never saw when Merlin would cancel his plans for the night if Arthur asked him out to the movies, or to a pub, or to just hang up on the sofa for the evening. Those may be little things in comparison, but it meant  _something_ to Arthur.

 

Merlin  _never asked_  for Arthur to fall in love with him. Neither did he  _ask_  for Arthur to keep that secret to himself. To decide to show signs of his affections, instead of  _telling_  him what those affections meant. And though Arthur knows he has valid reasons for not telling Merlin, he has to wonder if those were the _only_  reasons. Was it because Arthur may have been afraid of rejection from Merlin? He wonders if that was a possibility. And considering the fact that he _never_  noticed Merlin looking at him in any other way than a friend, Arthur, would be lying if he said it wasn't. Seeing Merlin with other men over the years, wondering, what those men had that were different from him. Were they Merlin's type? Was he serious about them? Could he ever be serious about someone – anyone? Was it just about the sex? Were those guys more fun? Is that why Merlin could choose them without thinking of Arthur as someone as an option? All of those things came to mind at one point in time. Arthur would be lying to himself again if he denied it. The flowers, the breakfast in bed, the shows of affection when Arthur would do a little extra for Merlin was not just to show - Merlin - Arthur's feelings only, but it was also a safe way to test the waters. Because if Merlin didn't return his feelings, Arthur's feelings weren't really  _out there_ to be rejected. And in the meantime, he could still enjoy his relationship with Merlin, and still enjoy all of their time spent together – without Merlin pushing him away. What if Merlin said  _no_  if he asked? There would have been a big chance Merlin would have, and where would their friendship be then? And what if he said  _yes?_   What if he did it because it was just the natural progression of things for them? What if it had nothing to do with love at all? Merlin would deny Arthur  _nothing -_  if he asked. Arthur knows this for certain because Merlin has  _never_ denied Arthur anything over the years.  _When he asked!_

 

What if he said _yes,_  but only said it out of friendship? What if he said  _yes,_  but only said it out of obligation? What if he said _yes,_ because he didn't want to hurt Arthur's feelings. Would it be real then, if that were the case? And would it have lasted? It was why Arthur wanted Merlin to  _see_  the signs, and to take the step on his own. To see how much Arthur wanted him, how much Arthur  _loved_  him! And how much he needed him. But it wasn't worth losing everything they had to make that sacrifice. It was too important, and Arthur... couldn't risk it. And what did that add up to for Arthur.... pining.

 

Arthur turned from his right side to lay on his back staring at his gold colored walls, and white ceiling as he continued to reflect.

 

Arthur didn't count on the pining to go as far as it did. He had no idea or thought that it would go on for  _seven_ years. It wasn't even pining at first. It snuck up on him. He knew his feelings, he and Merlin always had fun, and Arthur's romantic feelings were never in the forefront, it never pressed through because they spent so much time together as friends. It was a very slow...slow...slow...burn, that later turned into a  _fire._  Each new boyfriend, each new break up, each new search for something better, were just the pin pricks in Arthur's heart. It didn't devastate him, but he couldn't honestly say that he felt  _nothing_  by it. That there was no pain, because there was. But not in the way that one would think. It wasn't jealousy, it was the loss of  _possibility._  The thought that he and Merlin would  _never_ be together. That he would eventually choose someone else. That one of those men would be the one that Merlin was looking for. And it was looking good that this was not going to happen. At least... until Robert. Because, when Robert came into the picture... five and a half years later... things started to change for both Merlin and Arthur.

 

Robert was a renowed Heart Surgeon in his own right, and Merlin... Merlin respected him, admired him even. They became friends... good friends, before they became lovers. And though Merlin was still ever present for Arthur. Things were... different, for Arthur. Merlin looked at Robert differently in comparison to the other men that he dated over the years. Robert treated Merlin like he deserved to be treated, and it was obvious that Robert was a little bit in love with Merlin early on. He was handsome. He could pass for George Clooney if he wanted to, but had the rugged look, and charms like Gwaine. But his dark hair, brown eyes, and strong features were indeed striking on in it's own right. They went out  _a lot,_  and Robert spent more time with Merlin at their flat, and outside of it. Merlin didn't know that day when Arthur overheard Robert's proposal. Arthur came home from work early, and Merlin's door to his bedroom was open just enough for the conversation to flow through their flat when Arthur was on his way to his room.

 

_** Flashback **_

 

“ _Merlin, I know that we've only been seeing each other for nearly three months, but I want to tell you that these past few months have been special for me.” Robert's tone was gentle, calculating, and Arthur could tell that it was leading somewhere. He froze, and so did his heart._

 

_When Merlin responded, his tone was equally gentle. “It's been special for me too Robert.”_

 

_Arthur could hear the change from gentle to something more when Robert spoke next, and he could hear the smile in his voice. “I don't think that I've ever met anyone like you before, and I don't think I ever will again.”_

 

_Silence_

 

 _Arthur could only think that Merlin had one of those deer in the headlight expressions that he would get when someone threw him a curve ball, something_ he _wasn't prepared for._

 

“ _You know that my time here is coming to an end in two weeks right?” Robert questioned. His tone still calculating, but it was tender too._

 

“ _Yes,” Merlin mumbled. Still not knowing what was going on._

 

“ _I want you to come back with me, when I leave -”_

 

“ _Robert -” Merlin tried to cut in with caution._

 

“ _No, hear me out, Merlin.” Robert must have known that you had to throw Merlin off of his center to get results from him when it came to a matter of the heart, because this was a strategic mark, and Merlin was completely thrown, and so was Arthur. “Hear me out.” Robert said more assertively, “I want you to come back to the states with me. There's an excellent residency program, that would only improve your career. We could be together. You can move in with me, or we can get a new home of our own. One that we've chosen_  together.  _We can have a_ life _together -”_

 

“ _Robert -”_

 

“ _I want to_ marry  _you, Merlin.” And it felt like Arthur's heart hit the floor with those six words, and it shattered into a thousand tiny little pieces. He didn't even realize that he was crying until the floodgates opened._

 

“ _Robert,” Merlin paused. And Arthur could tell that Merlin was considering it. That it wasn't like his relationships with the other men, that there were some feelings involved here. Something! Could Merlin be in love with Robert? Arthur wouldn't be able to compete with that._

 

“ _I'm not going to press for an answer now, Merlin. I want you to think about it. I've got two weeks left. I'll purchase two plane tickets, and I'll hope for the best that you make the_ right  _choice. Just promise me you'll_  think  _about it?” Robert pushed. Oh... he was good._

 

_And after several moments of silence Arthur heard Merlin tell Robert that he would. That he would think about it._

 

_** End of Flashback **_

 

Those two weeks were  _torture_ for Arthur because all he could remember was that Robert purchased  _two_  tickets, and that Robert was  _waiting_  for an answer. Arthur couldn't sleep, he tried to, but he couldn't. His mind was going ninety miles an hour. He couldn't eat. He tried to, but he wasn't hungry. He forced himself to  _at least_  eat dinner at night, and part of his lunch that Leon would provide for him if he  _saw_  that Arthur didn't have anything to eat. And he stayed in his room when he got home because he didn't want to overhear any other conversations, and he was too afraid that Merlin would tell him that he was leaving. Leaving Arthur! And if he did, Arthur's only chance with Merlin would have been lost forever if he moved away. In fact, if Merlin moved away to the states, there would be  _no friendship_  left to hold onto either. They would only see each other on special occasions, or holidays when Merlin would come back to visit his family. Things would  _never_  be the same again!

 

It took Arthur a week and a half to finally break down, and ask Merlin about what he overheard. It surprised Merlin that Arthur knew. But he wasn't upset by the fact that Arthur overheard. Flatmates tend to walk in, and catch things at the most inopportune times. And Arthur has caught some things over the years.

 

_** Flashback **_

 

 _Merlin's expression was impassive. He was not showing how his decision affected him, or_ if  _it affected him, but his tone was soft. His ocean blue eyes – clear. “I told him that I couldn't go back with him.”_

 

_Arthur's heart was screaming in celebration, internally he was doing a dance in celebration, but his face showed nothing either. His tone was curious when he spoke next. “I thought you were into him, what made you say no?”_

 

 _Merlin shook his head, as if considering the answer again himself. “He's a wonderful man. He's been fun, I enjoyed spending time with him, but I couldn't see leaving_ everything _that I have behind for the unknown.” Merlin raised both of his hands to run his fingers through his hair. It always made him look adorable. “I couldn't leave my work, my friends, my family,” Merlin waved his right hand around as if to say everything, “I couldn't leave it all behind. I couldn't marry_ him,  _Arthur.” Merlin nodded to himself as if accepting his own decision as for the best._

 

 _And Arthur had to ask, he shouldn't have, he knew he shouldn't have, but he needed to_ know.  _And in a teasing, and curious tone he asked the question that left him with a feeling of hopelessness. “Did you love him?”_

 

 _Merlin's eyes widened in surprise for that one. He used his left hand to rub across the top of both of his brows, and his forehead, and he licked his lips. Arthur tried his best not to notice, but he glimpsed there quickly anyway, before looking back into Merlin eyes to wait for a response. “I didn't love him like that. I_ liked him _a lot. But I didn't love him enough to start a life with him.”_

 

_** End of Flashback**_

_**What came next **_

 

 _The only thing that Arthur caught was, “didn't_ love him  _like that,” “and didn't_ love him _enough,” because that meant that there was_ some love  _there. What else could Arthur think but that? And Merlin... Merlin has never even came close to saying anything like that about anyone else he's ever dated._ This _was important to Merlin. And why was this also important to_  Arthur? _Because up until that moment Arthur always had the hope that as long as Merlin didn't fall in love with anyone else that there was always a chance for him. That there was always a chance for Merlin to recognize what he's had right in front of him all along. If he fell in love, then that meant that he didn't. That he didn't think of Arthur in that way. Arthur was always able to deal with the other men despite the pinprick feeling because he deemed them as irrelevant, Robert,_ was relevant. _Which meant... the situation was hopeless. There would never be a Merlin and Arthur outside of friendship. Merlin was capable of being in love, he just wasn't capable of loving Arthur. And where did that leave him? It left him pretending to be supportive of his best friend and loving him from afar._

 

_That's when the depression came. The feeling of hopelessness. The feeling of despair, and the feeling of loss of control. Arthur's appetite was almost gone, but he would force himself to eat, just enough. He fought that much. He couldn't afford for his father to find out about his depression only to decide that it was time to 'fix it.' The solution to 'fixing it' was the one thing apart from not having Merlin that Arthur couldn't deal with. Couldn't even fathom. It didn't stop the depression from coming though._

 

 _It didn't stop him from losing interest in some of the things that he enjoyed. Like playing golf, like hanging out with his friends as much as he did before, or like spending time on the weekends with his father. Though, there were other reasons for that. He couldn't afford to be found out. It didn't stop him from losing energy, nor did it stop some of those sleepless nights or his lack of appetite. He still worked out. He had to keep up pretenses. He still_ had  _to eat, but it wasn't enough. The food tasted like dirt instead. It didn't stop the feelings of anxiousness from coming over him. It didn't stop him from attempting to avoid others when he got at his lows, and it didn't stop him from feeling hopeless. These were the times when every new boyfriend of Merlin's no longer felt like a pin prick, but a knife to his heart. Because now it was a constant reminder that Merlin never would_ choose _him. And Arthur tried to get over his feelings for Merlin._ He did try.  _He didn't think going out, and having a relationship would help, but he did_ try. _He did even try dating, but no one did it for him. And that's when Arthur came to some conclusions. What was the point in getting into a relationship when you were in love with someone else? Wasn't that like using them? Couldn't that constitute as_ abusing _them in some way? Why would you have one offs when you didn't feel anything for them in return? Shouldn't sex mean more than that? Shouldn't you_ care  _about the person you slept with? Surely it's not fair to someone else just to use them for a temporary relief. Arthur wouldn't want to be used like that in return. And Arthur suffered so much loss early on in life with the deaths of his mother, grandfather, and aunt that it didn't seem fair to inflict others with the same loss by pretending he was giving more than he actually was. That was when Arthur made up his mind that if he found someone, the_ right _someone,_ then  _he'd go out with them. But he would have to_ feel  _something for them first. The problem was... he still couldn't_  feel  _anything like that for anyone else, but Merlin. Did he feel like loving Merlin was unhealthy? No, he didn't feel that way. Because his love for Merlin was always pure, he never wanted to possess him, he was never obsessed with him, he wasn't a slave for him, he never stalked him, he never listened to his calls, his emails, or sat at his door to hear what happened on his dates. In fact, it was the opposite there. And if Merlin did have overnight company, and Arthur didn't think he could handle it, he would find himself at Morgana's where he was welcomed, and his guestroom was already set up for him. Sometimes Morgana would wait up, just to see if he was coming. She never went without hugging him and feeding him though, and Gwaine would either break out the wine, and depending on how Arthur was feeling... the brandy. No, it wasn't Arthur's love for Merlin that was unhealthy. It was how Arthur was dealing with it as being unrequited that was unhealthy. It was how the depression set in from it, because he couldn't_ let it go. _Was that Merlin fault? Arthur wasn't sure that it was._

 

_Of course it didn't take long for his friends to figure out something was wrong. They noticed his mood changes, they noticed that his mind didn't seem as focused, and as present like it was before. They noticed that he picked at his food. That he ate some of it, and that he played with the rest. He would go out. But they noticed he avoided certain topics of conversation, and they noticed that he grew tired, and he lost interest quickly. Morgana was the worse, because she had seen it coming for quite some time, even tried to get him to talk to someone. Arthur refused of course. They were too close as siblings for her to miss it though. And apparently her hugs were two-fold. One, to show her support and love for him, and two, to check for any weight loss - after she noticed changes. She brought food by actively then, and she would stand by to make sure that he ate it. Over the years, before the depresssion. She always encouraged Arthur to tell Merlin the truth. And as times went on._

 

“ _You have to tell him Arthur! Either you have to tell him or you need to_ move on,  _but you have to stop living like this!”_

 

 _And then, when she saw that he was avoiding her too, she learned to be supportive, and encouraging, but still nudging the fact that he needed to move on. She became a safe haven for Arthur. When he couldn't stay home. He would stay at hers and Gwaine's. He would play with his niece. She was precious and she was another who gave Arthur hope. His friends noticed the depression, but they didn't notice the source of where the depression came from until Morgana told them. But in between those times. They were always trying to give Merlin clues. Signs. Things that Merlin would always seem to miss. During Arthur's deeper moments of despair, he contemplated suicide. It couldn't be any worse he would think. And then, there's nothing else to live for. Arthur was well aware that this wasn't only due to Merlin. Depression is tricky, and when you have those feelings then everything else comes in too. But Arthur_  never _took the step any further than having the thoughts, and after a few times of having the thoughts he dismissed it as an option for him altogether. There were things to live for. Life could be better...if...he didn't give up hope. It may have been hopeless where any relationship with Merlin was concerned, but it wasn't hopeless in every other aspect of Arthur's life. He still had his work. He was good at it, and it gave him a sense of accomplishment – of achievement. He still had his father. A father who loved him, who treated him with love, and treated him normally. "As long as he didn't know the truth," Arthur would think in the back of his mind, but still... he knew he was loved. He still had his sister. She was strong whenever Arthur felt weak. She was his shoulder to cry on without question, she was his support, his shield, and his safe haven. Her home was his, he always had an open door that would never shut, as long as she was there. He had his beautiful niece, so vibrant, and full of life. Who adored him. He had his friends, and even when he didn't want them – they didn't go away. They would take him out, and they knew Arthur's love for kids so they always involved him in any special occasions on that front too. Arthur would also think of his Aunt Margaret. He would remember the part of the conversation between Gaius and his father, when they discussed how she felt like there was nothing else to live for. And Arthur would come back to himself then, because there was_  always _something else to live for. He only wished he could have done more for her. That they would have known when it got that far for her. It's one of the reasons he and Morgana don't stay away from each other for long. So they can make sure that the other never feels the feeling of being completely alone, even though the feeling still sneaks up unawares. Arthur would remind himself that he still had his self-worth, he still had his self-respect, despite the fact that he felt like a glutton for punishment at times where his love for Merlin was concerned. But what he would remind himself of most of all... that there was always something_ else _to live for._

 

 _And that night at the pub, the last night when everything began to spiral out of control for Arthur, when Merlin said that there wasn't anyone else that he noticed. No one else that he knows... It was for the first time Arthur's resentment for Merlin actually showed through. He resented things over the years yes, how could he not? How could Merlin have missed all of the signs?! Arthur was wondering if Merlin would have gotten the sign if he came to his bed? He probably would have thought they were just hanging out. Now Arthur does know that that thought may be extreme, but what else was he suppose to think? And then Merlin had the nerve to question why Arthur was acting differently? Really? Where had he been all of this time? Granted, Arthur did his best to hide these feelings from Merlin. He'd wear the right clothes not to show the weight loss. He tried to keep up his mood in Merlin's presence, but he couldn't do it_ all of the time! _It seemed like Merlin noticed anything else except for things that pertained to the matters of the heart. Things too painful, too emotional, or things he didn't want to address. Things that pertained to Arthur, Arthur thought. And yes, Arthur could give him the fact that maybe he should have told Merlin that he loved him, he sees that now, but what about everything else? How could his best friend miss everything else? When everyone else managed to pick it up? The thought never occurred to him that there could be something more. Perhaps...perhaps it should have. (Perhaps Morgana should have told him about Merlin's being abused since she knew_ all along, _perhaps his father_ should have). _Perhaps he should have noticed something, because Merlin was never remotely as dense on that level before. He picked up on things in the past. Granted, he wouldn't talk about painful things in regards to himself. He was closed off on that front. But he would listen to Arthur, to their friends. Somehow, somewhere down the line things... changed. Perhaps Arthur should have paid more attention too. It wasn't exactly abnormal behavior, but it wasn't quite normal behavior either._

 

** What is Now **

 

Arthur groaned from where he laid on his back still staring at the walls, and the ceiling in turn. He pulled his hands to his face to rub it. He wasn't tired, but he knew that he needed to sleep. Nimueh talked to him about getting a prescription for it if he had this problem once he got back. He thought he'd better take her up on that offer. Arthur's thoughts went to the moment where he found out about Merlin's disorders. When he found out that Merlin _couldn't see_  Arthur's love for him, because he closed himself off from things that were too closely related to the pains that were inflicted upon him during his youth, and even up until now. He thought about the fact that it was the thought of  _losing Arthur_  that broke through Merlin's cracks _forcing_  him to see. He thought about the fact that the only way that could have happened would be because Merlin  _does have_  feelings for him, and those feelings were strong enough to break through when there was a chance of loss from it's source... from Arthur.

 

It was a weight off of Arthur's shoulders that lifted when he found out about Merlin's disorder. Not that he had one, not the fact that Merlin has suffered far more than he could have imagined. Not the fact that his trauma was so intense that he had to hide it from himself - just to be able to survive it in his own mind - just to be able to function. No, not that part. But the fact that if it weren't for that... Merlin  _would have been_  able to see. If it weren't for that... Merlin would have  _chosen_ him. If it weren't for that... they would not have lost all of this time. They could have been together! But the fact of the matter remains, they  _have lost_  all of this time. What happens now? What about Arthur's suffering?! Shouldn't Merlin have to pay for any of that? Should it be Merlin's fault? Should Arthur make Merlin suffer too just so he can feel like Arthur did during his darkest moments? Would that be fair? Should Arthur walk away from Merlin after he gets healthy even though he knows full well that Merlin is  _the one_  for him? There something about knowing that you are  _made_  for someone. There's something about knowing deep down in your core that this person just  _'fits'_  with you. And now, due to circumstances  _beyond your control_ that option was blocked from you. Should Merlin pay for it now if Arthur walked away? Should Arthur take some of the blame? Is any of the blame his to take? Is it Merlin's? Arthur does think he should have told Merlin, but he still stands by the reasons that he didn't. And those reasons are still the same reasons he has now. How does he know that Merlin's love for him is for the right reasons? That's a question that still out for the jury, because Arthur has no way of finding out without spending time with Merlin, without getting to _know_  this 'new' Merlin, and finding out for himself. And at the end.... it boils down to trust.  _Can he trust Merlin?_  He never doubted in his trust for Merlin before. Should he now?

 

It was a weight that lifted when he found out about Merlin's disorder, it was another weight that lifted when he found out that Merlin loved him. For the right reasons or not, he  _loved him._  The wrong reasons would definitely steer Arthur clear away from Merlin where any future aside from friendship is concerned. But where the weight of despair was, those two things lessened it tremendously. It gave Arthur more confidence on that front, he was confident everywhere else before, but on  _that_  front, that for someone reason he wasn't  _good enough_ for Merlin – he lacked. Arthur wouldn't say he was at the lowest there, but he definitely using some reserves to keep up his confidence, because deep down, he knew he was good enough for Merlin. More than good enough even. It was only after each time Merlin looked for someone else as option - without noticing Arthur - that it came to question.

 

But now knowing the truth, it boosted all of those things that Arthur questioned and doubted over the years. It brought it all to the forefront making it better on some level. Because now Arthur feels more in control than before where Merlin is concerned. He didn't have control before - because he was always waiting for Merlin to want him back. When technically, he still had control because all he had to do was tell Merlin of his feelings. But now, Arthur feels... different. The time away helped. Because with those two heavy weights lifted, Arthur felt lighter than he has in years. And in feeling lighter he was more receptive to the therapy, more receptive to getting better, with or _without_  Merlin. Though he'd be lying to himself if he didn't want it to be  _with_ Merlin. He spent his time with the nutritionist. He learnt how to pick up more calories, how to eat again, how to eat the right amount of meals, the snacks - things that he knew, but equally things he'd lost track of without properly taking care of himself. He confronted the feelings he had about not eating. He confronted his feelings for Merlin, and all of the things surrounding it. He decided that he needed to be healthy, because if he continued down the path he was on he wouldn't be. Arthur took his control back. He made decisions for himself. He chose to get his own flat away from Merlin to give himself so more time to heal. He didn't decide not to see him at all! Why would he? How could he, if he was going to decide for himself what step to take next? And aside from that, how could he leave his best friend struggling in good conscience without doing anything? Where's the humanity in that?! If Merlin knew about his disorder, and chose to hurt Arthur over the seven years then maybe that would be Merlin's fair recompense, but that wasn't the case! Should he be cast aside for something that he did unawares? Would Arthur want to be? If the situation were in reverse? He didn't think so. Would it harm Arthur's recovery for helping his friend? Not if he doesn't go about it the wrong way. If they keep their friendship first they can make it through. That's partly where the problem began with them, Arthur fell in love with Merlin instead of just keeping it as a friendship. If he didn't fall in love with him then it wouldn't have gotten this far.

 

But can anyone actually choose who they love? Real love? Or does love find you? Love found Arthur before Arthur realized what love actually was, and it took up residence in him with such a force that it threw Arthur's entire circumference off kilter. That's not the kind of love that you choose, that's the kind of love that's  _meant._  The question is... what do you do with it?

 

Things are going to be different as Arthur makes these choices. He will be living away from Merlin. He'll  _still_  continue to support him as a friend, he will still continue to be there – as a friend. But as of right now, that's all that he can promise. Because Arthur has to take care of himself too.

 

Does it make Arthur weak now for wanting to support his friend? Arthur doesn't think so. Maybe if Arthur faced his problems head on with Merlin in the first place he wouldn't have been so screwed up at the end before his breakdown. He wouldn't be having these problems now. It wasn't even until Arthur's breakdown that he  _did_  admit his feelings to Merlin. And that was only because Will told Merlin first by spelling it out. He admitted those feelings to himself, he's known that for years! But he never admitted those feelings to Merlin. Not until he was pushed to do it. It was something that he and Merlin had in common on that front. Needing to be pushed to snap out of it.

 

And now, Merlin has done something that changes everything while at the same time has brought them back to square one. He's put the ball back into Arthur's court. Like it was in the beginning when Arthur knew his feelings, but never told Merlin about it. He gave Arthur the choice, and he gave Arthur the  _control._  Because now, it will be Arthur's decision to decide if they go any further than having a friendship. It will be Arthur's decision to decide when. It will be Arthur who will have to make the first move. And Merlin even made it a little easier. He not only answered the question of whether or not they were compatible, he even gave Arthur his answer to the unasked question in advance for when the time comes, leaving Arthur with no room for doubt that Merlin's answer would be 'yes,'  _if_ Arthur asked. Merlin also gave Arthur the green light. He told him to go, date, meet new people, do whatever he needs to do to sort things out. And on top of that he promised there would be no more advancements from him, and that he would do whatever it takes to get better. Merlin gave any power that he had over Arthur back to Arthur to do with however he saw fit. Something that _is_ difficult for Merlin to do too, because of his own fear for rejection, but he sacrificed any feelings he would feel to give Arthur his sense of control back. To attempt to repair the damage that was already done. And Merlin knew it when he did it. That _kiss._  That kiss did something for the both of them. They'd never kissed before. How would they have known if they were compatible on that level? Merlin answered that by that kiss. Arthur's always been waiting on Merlin to see, to show  _something_  of his feelings for him. Merlin saw. He gave that back to him. He told him he loved him, and he demonstrated it in the kiss. It was a hello and a good-bye kiss all in one, because neither of them knew if they would move any further. There was only hope. And Arthur wasn't use to having that hope that he and Merlin would have something together for a while now.

 

And now they  _will_  have the time away. The time away from meddling sister's - another thing Arthur needs to address, friends who take sides, outside influences, and anything or anyone else who could have interfered with his and Merlin's time together. Even if Morgana and company comes up to the lake for a day or two, he and Merlin... will still have this. This will also be Merlin's break from psychotherapy. His time to process all of the thoughts that have come to the surface, and his time to confront it. This will also be Arthur's time to get to know the things that Merlin's never allowed him to see, or to know. This will also be Merlin's time to see the side of Arthur that he hasn't seen. This will be _their_  time to talk about the things that they never felt comfortable sharing, to ask and to answer the _hard_  questions, and this will be the time to  _resolve_  their differences. It doesn't mean that they're going to move forward from that point. They both have to be healthier first, but it does mean that they will have a direction to follow. That they may find themselves in a different place when this is over. Even though Arthur has to follow the plans of his therapy to the 't'. As Morgana stated, Arthur should use the time wisely _on all fronts,_ and Arthur... intends to do exactly that. Because, as Merlin stated, the ball is in his court now.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A penny for your thoughts.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to start off again by thanking all of you, for your wonderful reviews that you've sent in. I love reading your thoughts and perspective on this story! It continues to give me that boost to post daily, and your encouraging words, and thoughtful insight on the chapters continue to inspire me to do better. This chapter is unbeta'd. It's not as long, and it's in Merlin's POV. 
> 
> Warnings for some depressive thoughts and possible triggers. Nothing major, or graphic.
> 
> With that said, I hope you enjoy the chapter!

 

Merlin laid in his bed with his hands entwined behind his head as he rested on his pillow, blankets wrapped securely around him, as he thought about his conversation with Arthur. Merlin was under no delusions that Arthur may not want him once this was all over between them. _No delusions at all._ Not the way that Merlin _wants_  him. In fact, in the back of his mind it's something that he suspects _will_ happen. That Arthur will attempt to try friendship, even if it's not the best option for him - to stay better. He _is_ trying to stay positive, but the damage has already been done. Merlin is responsible for that damage! He took something that was beautiful – precious - between he and Arthur, and turned it into something ugly – and - twisted. It's his fault! How could it not be? His inaction has caused Arthur to succumb to depression. His not being a good friend, caused it to spiral out of control. How could Merlin expect anything less from Arthur than to want to be far away from him, or a half-baked attempt of a friendship? It's what Merlin deserves.

 

The only thing Merlin is sure of – beyond the shadow of a doubt - is the fact that Arthur loves him, and that he loves Arthur in return. But can love be enough? It can't erase the years! It can't erase Arthur's pain. Nor can it erase his suffering. No matter how much Merlin wants to do it! It can't undo the things that he did. No one cares about what he's been through – his past – the reasons why he acted the way that he did. That means nothing! The only thing that matters is what's happening now! And Merlin, Merlin would have rather cut out his own heart, and hand it to Arthur before he would willingly damage Arthur's heart instead. And the horrible thing is... that's exactly what he's done, damaged Arthur's heart. How can he make it right? Be his manservant, for the rest of his life? Beg? Grovel on his knees? Find a way to go back in time? Not have suffered the traumas that he dealt with in the past, to cause him to feel the pain that he did, to inflict pain in return? When he didn't know that he was inflicting pain at all? Or that he was suffering from anything himself? And on top of that, inflicting pain on the one person in the world that he would never want to inflict pain on? Maybe... maybe he should take himself out of the equation. Maybe he should walk away. It would make everyone else happy, it would solve their problems, it would solve _Arthur's_  problems, and it would give Arthur a fresh start. Merlin doesn't deserve any happiness here. Not if it means that Arthur won't have any in return.

 

Merlin shook his head, for a good five seconds. The only thing that sounds logical is to attempt to make this right. To attempt to reverse things - if he can, to show Arthur in word and deed how he feels, and to work to make things better. That's what Arthur deserves. He deserves all of the happiness in the world, and he deserves to not feel pain. If that means giving him up... then so be it. Merlin... is irrelevant here, his feelings... are not of consequence, because he's done too much damage for it to matter. His friends - old friends - were right. Morgana was right for not wanting him to be around. For not wanting him to be around her brother. She didn't say that specifically - she didn't have to. Her word choices, her tone, and demeanor, clearly said as much. It was a repeal against Merlin, showing plain as day that he was _not_ welcomed, around her brother. And he's not stupid enough not to know that she will do everything in her power to make sure that he _isn't_  around her brother, or that she has the power to do it. It doesn't matter though, she's right for not wanting him around.

 

The only thing he's done since he was born was end up bringing people down. This just proves his father right on that front. He couldn't have been wrong about everything. The only thing he's ever done right was have his profession, and his friendships. Which he's lost now, with the exception of Will, Mithian, and Arthur. And that was only to find out all along that Arthur was in love with him starting at the age of twenty, and Merlin never saw it because he blocked the welcome of those feelings. Because those types of emotions were too high, _too close,_ to bordering that of his past trauma experiences. And since he never faced that, how could he recognize the difference between the pain. It's a pain that he feels when he and Arthur are together now – because they haven't addressed the reason for the gap between them, and... when he thinks that Arthur doesn't want him back. Merlin rubbed his right hand across his forehead, licked his lips, and ran his hands and fingers through his hair. He would have blocked those feelings if his mind didn't recognize what it was back then. Seeing everything that he's blocked now, he knows that. He said it before, but experiencing everything again is confirmation of that. If it was considered as an unknown, as something potentially dangerous, he would have blocked the feelings to protect himself. But he can't deny fully that they weren't there. Or that those feelings made it through, and were locked away somehow. Unlike his feelings of pain that were blocked out altogether before landing it's mark. The force of it coming out when he thought he was going to lose Arthur proved that. And it wasn't that there _were no feelings_ over the years because they were, when Arthur was straight, and he had to close it off. It did continue to come to the surface periodically. It was just.... there friendship was much too important to gamble on. Arthur would have been repulsed by a man's advancements when he preferred advancements from women instead, and Merlin never saw Arthur looking at a man in that way before in all of the years of their friendship. When Arthur decided that he was bi-sexual, the thoughts of friendship were already cemented in Merlin's mind. It was safe, and protected. And as long as he only saw Arthur as a friend he could keep their friendship. Anything else, was a reminder of their friendship, and Merlin would try his best to reciprocate. He never wanted to read anything more into it for fear that he could be wrong. Arthur was always sweet, even when he was straight. Merlin could have mistaken it for feelings at anytime, it was the only way to protect their friendship. To block what he didn't understand. He never thought to notice any signs of romantic feelings for anything more from Arthur?! He had no clue that there would be any? Stupid him! And maybe it was stupid of him to expect someone to tell him if he did! Maybe that was too much to ask. To expect Arthur to tell him if he did! Maybe he should have been a mind reader! Damn straight that he should have known better! Should have been able to detect something!

 

And what about the depression? How could Merlin have missed that? And how could Arthur not hate him for it?! Or for watching Merlin date other the years without end? He has to, there has to be some resentment there, but he's just _not showing it._ And Merlin knows why. Arthur's far too noble for that, he would try to understand it, to label it, to try to rationalize it, to fix things because he can't stand to see anyone suffer. He'd try to fix Merlin! Like a pet project! But maybe... maybe he should suffer. Maybe that's why Merlin came up with that cockomamy idea for Arthur to date anyone he wanted - which was basically giving a green light on doing anything else he wanted to do with them too - while Merlin remains single, and hanging in limbo. Maybe he deserves to feel what Arthur felt throughout the years. That's the only reason he can think of for thinking that what was a good idea. (Aside from Arthur needing to make a full recovery, which definitely comes first). The feeling of the unknown, the doubts, the wondering if you'll ever get what you want. It's only fair. It's what Arthur's had to deal with for seven years. Maybe it is right for Arthur to make a whole lot of new friends aside from Merlin. Friends that _will_ notice when their best friend's life is spiraling out of control, while Merlin stays alone. That sounds fair too. Maybe it would be best to leave Arthur to living his life in peace. To move on, to find someone who treats Arthur the way he deserves to be treated. Who's not dealing with shit from his past. Someone who _can_ love Arthur in the way that deserves to be loved.

 

Was it selfish to give the kiss? Was it selfish to try? It was all that Merlin had to offer to Arthur. He has nothing else, but himself, and his love for Arthur to give to him. Arthur has money, has a family who loves - and - supports him, has possessions, has everything that he could ever want. Merlin could think of nothing else to offer, but himself to show as a token for what he was feeling. The kiss was the pouring of that love, and it meant that he would stand by any choice that Arthur would make, without question. _As long as it wasn't damaging to Arthur._ And there's the quirk, because Arthur doesn't know that part, but Merlin would not _try_ if he's not sure in his recovery - if he doesn't think he will end up getting better. He will not try if it's not going to help _repair the damage_ done to Arthur, and if Merlin thinks there's _someone better for Arthur..._ he would step aside. Too much damage was done to Arthur by Merlin, and Merlin... now aware of his actions... chooses find a way to repair this. Now if Arthur was completely sure that he wanted him, and they both were healthy... Merlin wouldn't walk away, but if he wasn't... he would leave his life forever to give him that. He deserves it. He doesn't owe Merlin anything. It was why Merlin was so willing to let Arthur go when he decided just to be friends. That... and the fact that Merlin would not be able to subject himself to being around Arthur forever if they weren't together. He knows it. It would be a difference if one or the other were not aware of their feelings, but that is not the case. Trying to be friends from there is like asking for more punishment, and after facing all of the traumas that's been tucked away in his own mind... Merlin knows he's not strong enough to suffer that kind of punishment. He's not as strong as Arthur. He knows he wouldn't be. What does that mean? It means, he would have to leave. To have Dr. Monmouth refer him to another Dr. for treatment far away from London, and to move on. He can find a hospital to work at closer to the location of Dr. Monmouth's referral, and a place to live. He can do it, and he has the money saved up to do so. It's not like he has any ties here. Not anymore. He only has Will, Mithian, his mum and uncle Gaius. He can visit them, and arrange for them to visit him. It will help Arthur to get over him if he wasn't there, and if he didn't feel the need to save him, because he wouldn't be there to save. He may not have been able to move before, but now... now... it may be the for the best.

 

Merlin used both hands again to wipe his face from the tears, and nibbled on the inside of his cheek. He knows that he and Arthur agreed on a plan. And he tried to give everything of himself in it to Arthur, but now that he's thinking about it? After everything that they've been through. After all of those _years,_ it can't be fair right of him to accept Arthur's help. Arthur deserves more than that. Even if his intentions are pure. He can't put his life on hold anymore than he has already. It's like his friends say, like Morgana says, he is selfish, and it's all about him. Accepting that help, is still making it all about him. And Arthur will always be there for him, even if they weren't together as a couple, he would be there because that's the kind of man that he is. He would not let any one else suffer, even if he suffers on his own in the process. And he plans to help, despite the fact that he already is suffering. Merlin shook his head. He has to make the decision then, because that is one decision Arthur will _not_  make. He will decide not to have a relationship with him. He will decide whether or not they remain friends. He will even decide how to limit their interactions, but he wouldn't decide to leave Merlin alone while he thinks he's damaged. Arthur, will want him to be healthy again, and it's not his responsibilty. Merlin has to take care of himself.

 

No, it wasn't selfish to give the kiss. Because Arthur should be aware of Merlin's feelings for him, and have no doubt of it. Arthur deserves to know that he is loved, and should never have to question it. If it weren't for Merlin's disorder – and his own stupidity, he would have chosen Arthur from the jump, without a second thought. And they would have been perfect together. Kissing Arthur, was a feeling that Merlin would never forget. It was overwhelming, feeling like static electricity in every touch, and it felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest. Every inch of him felt like a livewire. Something, he was not use to experiencing. And even though Arthur responded back little... he could still feel Arthur's love for him shining through. He would have done more. If Arthur wanted him to, but he's glad that he didn't, because it wasn't something that either of them were ready for. The intent of the kiss was to show Arthur that his feelings were real, and to erase any doubt from Arthur's mind once and for all of anything less. Because he does love Arthur, and he would have _chosen_ Arthur - anytime. If he knew he had a choice. He tried to give back what he thought Arthur lost in waiting for him all of those years, and waiting on Merlin to see the signs, and waiting for Merlin to make a choice that Arthur had all along. He gave it back to him – the choice, and made it easier to leave no doubt of the answer, if Arthur were to ever ask the question.

 

He was committing to stepping aside, to remaining single, and to focus on going through psychotherapy. To do whatever it took. And while he was doing his, Arthur would be continuing his therapy, dating other people, and making other friends outside of Merlin to aid in his recovery. It was a perfect plan, in Merlin's own mind, despite how it would break his heart. Despite the fact that he and Arthur would no longer be living together. It wasn't about his feelings anymore. Not that it was before, but he really knows that he has no right to ask for anything now. So he made sure that he didn't... and agreed to everything. The only thing he couldn't agree to is remaining friends when this was over - if they were not going to be together. And he almost didn't agree to Arthur's help, until... Arthur talked him back into it. Merlin sighed – loudly. He really is an idiot! Arthur is only trying to help him, because he feels Merlin is alone and helpless! He's only trying to help, because he feels obligated to in some type of noble twisted way. He will not walk away from that part. Merlin has to be the one. And Arthur will refuse anything Merlin says unless he takes himself out of the equation, and moves away. Arthur placed his life on hold for him for seven years. _Seven years_... is long enough.

 

The tears never stopped coming. And Merlin had to be extra quiet, because Arthur was in his bedroom next door. If Merlin knew his thoughts would have come to this conclusion, he would have brought the vodka bottle with him to his bedroom. As it stands... Merlin wiped his eyes with his hands – that were now shaking, again, removed his blanket from him, and walked towards to his walk-in wardrobe. He pulled out suitcases. He purchased new luggage when he went away for a medical seminar for a month, in Japan - a year ago. He quietly began to do his packing. It didn't even bother Merlin because it would help him from not having to fall asleep, and succumbing to more nightmares. No... this was a good night for packing. For writing... some letters, though he hasn't decided yet if he should write the letters now, or once he's found a place. He would need to speak with Dr. Monmouth first for the referral in order to plan a course from there. Once that's done he can go arrange for a flight to where Dr. Monmouth sends him. He can even call work for a referral to a hospital in that area, or he can look on his own, and have recommendations sent for him. He knows it's last minute, but he has a very good track record there. And this is an emergency transfer. It would be easier for everyone concerned if he wasn't there. His mum and Gaius could stop worrying about him, his mum wouldn't have to feel so guilty. Because, even on the slight chance that he isn't doing... well... no one would know from afar. And that means no one would have to worry about him, and they could get on with their lives. Even Will, Sophia, and Mithian can get on with their lives too. And Arthur... Arthur could finally be rid of him. That is the best Christmas present he thinks he could give to Arthur. Aside from not showing up in London to begin with thirteen years ago. Because then he could have really erased those years. Loving him can't possibly be enough now to cover the pain. He screwed up enough already. But at least Arthur won't have to feel he has to support him. That he has to _be there_ for him. That he has to put his own life on hold, any longer. He'll get to be free, and to move on with his life. Without Merlin in it. Merlin will always love Arthur forever, but maybe.... this can help reverse some of the damage that was done. By letting Arthur live his own life.

 

One thing is for certain, Merlin thought as he started packing his jeans, and then his shirts (he wouldn't be able to get them all, but he'd send Will later to retrieve the rest of his things. When he's far enough away, and after some time has past), when Arthur does finally leave to go home, or to Morgana's in the morning, Merlin... will be leaving shortly after.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to point out here, that Merlin has no idea of Arthur's plans. In case anyone has forgotten from the last chapter. 
> 
> A penny for your thoughts.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to start off by thanking those of you who sent in reviews for the last chapter. Everyone's reviews continue to motivate me to get these chapters posted daily, and inspires me to go that extra mile. I love reading your thoughts and perspective on this story! I can't say that enough. And if I haven't responded to your review from last chapter yet, I will be responding to them shortly.
> 
> Now I know it's been over two days now since I've posted. I sorta got side-tracked with Christmas. Happy Holidays out there! But I didn't get side-tracked enough not to post another monster word count chapter for you. I would have been posted earlier if I could have separated it without leaving you with a major cliffhanger. I managed to force a break to get this part out though. Because I didn't want to wait too much longer in between postings. There's only one and a half - possibly two and a half - more scenes that I'm working on now before I post the second part of this chapter too. That one should be posted by tomorrow.
> 
> Once again, this chapter is unbeta'd. If you see anything please feel free to let me know, and I will make the corrections. I went over this part of the chapter several times, but it doesn't mean that I didn't miss anything. With that being said, I hope you enjoy the chapter!

 

**7:50am**

 

Arthur woke up as the sun rays began to shine through his deep red curtains. His eyes opened, against his own protest to glare at the clock on the wall at the feet side of his bed only to see that it was 7:50am. Arthur groaned. He did not feel like waking up _this_ early, but apparently... the structured routine from the 'resort' stuck with him. Hopefully it won't last much longer, because those thirty extra minutes can really make a difference. It didn't take long before Arthur climbed out of his bed to head towards the shower. Arthur couldn't help but be positive about the plan that he and Merlin put in place as he took his shower. It made him feel energized, as he shaved and brushed his teeth. And it put more rhythm in his step, as he put on his white t-shirt and blue stonewashed jeans. They _finally_ had a chance to talk! They may not have resolved _all_ of their issues, but it seemed... they came to... an understanding. Arthur wasn't sure how Merlin would feel about his going out and dating people, or the hanging out with other groups - outside of Merlin – part of their discussion. He didn't know if Merlin _would_ accept that he wouldn't be able to guarantee anything other than a friendship. Or that he was _still_ unsure of how to deal with the things that transpired between them over the years. He didn't know Merlin would take it, if he'd be accepting, or if he'd go back to pushing Arthur away again. 

 

Merlin surprised him of course, because he was willing to wait. No, he was willing to do more than wait. He even challenged Arthur to date freely, to meet other people, and to do whatever he needed to do to get himself back on track. That, was definitely a surprise. On top of that... kiss. 

 

Arthur thought about the things that he needed to do over the next few days as he made his bed, as he began to pull the crisp white sheets, and red comforter set that matched with his curtains in place. He knew that he needed to have his daily appointments with Nimueh as scheduled. He knew that Morgana managed to get him a 1:00pm appointment for the day, and that his time slots would move on to the morning slots from there. He knew that he would have to find the time to see his father. It would probably need to be during the morning hours, when his energy and overall demeanor was at it's highest. It wouldn't be wise to go and see him after spending a day with Merlin. Not now. When Arthur's _own_ emotional state might be called into question. At least... not until Merlin could get a better handle on his. 

 

Arthur paused, comforter in hand for a moment. He knew that he had to check in with Morgana. Arthur sighed at the thought, and closed his eyes for a moment before licking his lips, and resuming to lay his red comforter in place on the bed. He had to find a subtle way to speak with her. She meant well, she was an awesome big sister, who took her responsibilities to the highest point that Arthur could think of, but as of right now... it was driving him, absolutely... bonkers. Arthur sat on his bed looking towards his windows on the right, while he stared at the curtains. He took both hands and fingers and ran it through his hair. It stood up in odd places, before he ran his hands through again fixing it back in place. She needs to be able to _trust_ him. To trust that he _knows_ what he's doing. She needs to trust that he has _control_ over his life, and that trying to take too much control away from him not is _not_ helping. In fact... it was causing more harm than good! _She has to listen to him!_ He turned his head to his left to look at his clock on his center wall. **8:20am**. It was time to start the day. Arthur got up to look in his walk-in wardrobe for his red Oxford hoodie, and then his chest drawers only to find that it missing. He chuckled. Merlin always loved to borrow that hoodie for some reason, and Arthur, he loved to get it back because it smelled of Merlin afterward. Like it was something that they shared together. Merlin, has been borrowing that hoodie for years. 

 

Arthur strode across the hall from his bedroom to Merlin's and knocked.

 

“Merlin?” Arthur knocked again, no answer.

 

“Merlin?” Arthur called out again, tone slightly concerned. Merlin was _not_ a heavy sleeper. If he was still asleep he should have heard the knocks anyway. And yet, still... no answer.

 

Arthur paused for a few moments before opening the door only to find that the bed was made, and that the room was neatly in place. Arthur closed his eyes and sighed again. He must have missed Merlin before he left this morning. He didn't know what time Merlin's psychotherapy appointments started, or if he had any other plans for the day, but they always knocked on the other's door - when there was no overnight guest to interrupt - to tell the other that they were leaving, and to tell the other where they were heading off to. Arthur raised his right hand, and pressed his right thumb and forefinger on the bridge of his nose. He guessed things _have_ changed now that he's decided to move out. Arthur wondered if things would ever be the same again between the two of them. 

 

He walked to the kitchen next to see if there was anything around to scramble together for breakfast, or if he would have to stop somewhere along the way to get something to eat. Arthur understood that in the second week of his and Merlin's vacation, that he would have to leave for a day to meet up with Mordred. They _promised_ each other that they would each meet up, after they left the resort. Mordred first, Bohrs second, and Kay last. Each scheduled to leave one after the other. And once everyone was out, they agreed to meet up - at the least - twice a month. Arthur only hoped that Merlin _wouldn't_ mind him having to leave for a day. It wasn't like he _planned_ for their trip to happen. It was unxpected. But it was also... absolutely _necessary._ It was necessary for them both, but - most importantly - it was meant to help Merlin. He needed to get out of the flat. He needed to feel like he had support. He needed to feel like he had a friend. And he needed to process everything that he hadn't yet in his nightmares, along with everything that he blocked off in his mind in order to protect himself. He needed to feel safe and secure in himself, and in his own mind again. And he needed the closest person to him to help him get through it. And what did that mean? It meant that he needed Arthur. He needed Arthur, and they both knew it. And Arthur... well, Arthur... planned to be there for him. Because it was the _right_ thing to do. No matter how much his sister, or anyone else thought it was best to keep a distance. Arthur would keep a distance - as he stated - but in his own way, and _not_ at the detriment of his best friend. He would be damned before he allowed that!

 

He also needed to set some time aside within the next few days to see his father. When he didn't feel like emotional mess. Arthur groaned just thinking about being an emotional mess, as he ran his right hand and fingers through his hair. It's not like he wasn't feeling a lot better. He does feel a lot better. Especially in comparison to how he felt before. He can _see_ progress - in himself, he can _see_ his control coming back, and he can _see_ that there _is_ going to be something better at the end of this. He doesn't feel... the thought of hopelessness anymore.

 

Arthur knew that he also had to find the time to either call or see Dr. Monmouth too, to see about getting permission for taking Merlin out of psychotherapy for the next two weeks. Arthur understood that their trip was two-fold, and not strictly for Merlin's mental health. They needed that time to get to know each other again. To talk about the subjects that plagued them. To talk about the hard subjects that they never _wanted_ to talk about. To ask the _hard questions_ that they were _afraid_ to hear the answers to. That _Arthur,_ was afraid to hear the answers to. They needed that time together! And Merlin. Merlin, needed to talk things out. He needed to talk about all of the things that he's dealt with – from the past to the present – and Arthur, needed to hear it.

 

Upon entering the white and back designed kitchen Arthur saw on the white based, and black tiled top kitchen island a box of baked goods placed on it. The matching kitchen counter had a fresh pot of coffee made, and by the box of baked goods, Arthur found a note with his name on it, in Merlin's handwriting. 

 

 

_Arthur,_

 

_I stopped by the Bakehouse to get you breakfast this morning. You know how I suck at cooking, lol! I know how you love the place. I've got some fresh crossaints, and at least three different pastries – including apple, I know how much you like that one. You'll also find some home made granola and Greek Yogurt in the refrigerator. Coffee's on too. Nice and fresh. Sorry I missed you. I have my psychotherapy appointment, and I didn't want to wake you. Have a good day._

 

_Love,_

 

_Merlin_

 

 

 _Love Merlin._ That still did _things_ to Arthur. Arthur had to admit that hearing Merlin say that, more than once, and now again - reading it in his words... that it gave him a feeling of warmth. It wasn't a question of whether Merlin loves him or not. It was a question of whether Merlin loves him for the _right_ reasons. The _lasting_ reasons. And not because he feels some sort of obligation to Arthur. Not because he feels guilty, and not because he's afraid of losing their friendship. The question is... how would Arthur be able to know for certain? Arthur feels like he's been dabbling in that world of the unknown and of uncertainty for seven years now. What _would_ happen if he gave all in only to find out that Merlin _didn't_ love him back for the right reasons? What if Merlin got all better, only to find that he doesn't _want_ to be with Arthur in the first place? Arthur shook his head, and his eyes watered at the simple thought of it. He knows he's not ready to think about anything more with Merlin right now aside from friendship. Well, it's more like, that's all he's forcing himself to think about right now, and using, _“he's not ready to think about it,”_ as his reason to _not_ think about it. If he were being honest with himself, he would have to admit that to himself too. He knows he still has his doubts, that he _is_ afraid. It doesn't mean those doubts stopped the feelings though! It doesn't mean those feelings make him stop from wanting _more!_ And after that _kiss..._ Arthur had to fight the feeling of wanting _more_ , and going after it! Because wanting _more_ was all that he's ever wanted from the moment he knew that he loved Merlin, and understood that his feelings were – are - in fact... real, and not some infatuation! Arthur knows he has good self-control. He went seven years without even coming on to Merlin! Not the way that Merlin put it all out on the the line for him last night! No, Arthur wasn't bold enough to do that! Not to Merlin, where he had everything to gain, and everything to lose in equal measure. So Arthur did what he thought was best back then. He focused on his signs instead. They were big signs! Everything except the full come on, the touchy feelys, and going to Merlin's bed! If everyone else could see it, it would have been safe to either say that Merlin was obviously too wrapped up in himself to see it, that he was too oblivious to see it, that he was clearly ignoring it, or all of the above. No one! _Absolutely no one,_ would have thought there was something more to even consider! Not while Merlin was still managing to live his life just fine to them, continuing to have relationships – at the ready, continuing to function, and continuing to live! Who would have stopped to think that there was anything else?! And there's still Robert to consider. If Merlin was able to have deep feelings for him before, even though he _claims_ to have never loved him, how could he not have recognized Arthur's love for him? Arthur rested his hands on the kitchen island, shoulders and head bowed as he continued to muse. There were so many questions that he needed to ask Merlin. And on some level, he _is_ afraid to know the answers. He _is_ afraid to know the truth. And he _is_ afraid that Merlin doesn't love him back for the right reasons! Because if any of those things don't add up... it means that Arthur may have wasted seven years of his life for nothing. Because he will was – is - in love - so deeply in love – with someone who would never be able to return those feelings. And Arthur couldn't even fathom to think about what that would mean to him. And he doesn't _want_ to think about it either. But he knows that he'll _have to_ think about what that means, that he'll have to face it, because the answer leads to the brink of what is necessary for his _own_ full recovery. And it's also two fold, because he will have to decide then whether he wants to move on with _\- or without –_ Merlin. And there's no therapist, who would be able to answer that question for him.

 

Arthur lifted his head, removed his hands from the kitchen island, and straightened his shoulders. He'll _have_ to think about it later - have to face it - but not today. Arthur grabbed a saucer from the kitchen cabinet to place his apple bear claw in, went to the refrigerator to grab the homemade granola and Greek Yogurt, and grabbed a coffee cup to make himself a cup of coffee. He turned to look at the time. It was **8:35am** when Arthur checked the clock on the wall above the right wall by the kitchen table when Arthur started eating. Arthur knew that he had to get started before the day got started _without_ him. He just needed to eat his breakfast, and then he'd go back to Merlin's room to retrieve his red Oxford hoodie.

 

**

 

**8:20am**

 

Merlin swallowed-hard, his palms were sweating, and he felt like a child as he sat across Dr. Monmouth's mohogany finished desk, in his hard leather seats that never made anyone comfortable sitting in for long. Dr. Monmouth was doing a scary interpretation of his uncle Gaius, with both brows raised to his hairline.

 

Dr. Monmouth swallowed, and then ran his right forefinger over his bottom lip. He asked, in a tone - clearly not following, “I'm sorry Merlin. Am I to understand that you are coming here today to stop your psychotherapy -” He raised his right hand to stop Merlin as he was opening his mouth to speak. “Not specifically stop psychotherapy, but to transfer to another psychotherapist?”

 

Merlin nibbled on the inside of his left cheek, licked his lips, and responded as he looked at Dr. Monmouth head on. “Yes,” and as an afterthought, “sir.”

 

Dr. Monmouth sighed, and raised his right hand to run his fingers across his right brow, now that they were lowered again. “And not only do you want to request a transfer, but, you want to request a transfer as far away from London as possible?” Dr. Monmouth really wasn't following.

 

Merlin ran both hands and fingers through his hair, and started tapping his right foot into dark blue office carpet. Dr. Monmouth was following the pattern of Merlin's nervousness. He responded in a low gentle tone. “Yes.”

 

Dr. Monmouth almost gritted his teeth. He knew just how difficult it was to pull information out of Merlin if he didn't want to give it. Just like pulling teeth! He sat forward towards his desk, he back was against his chair before. He leaned his elbows on his desk, folded his hands, and placed his chin on top, before asking, curiously. “Do you mind providing the reason for such a drastic change?”

 

Merlin _did_ grit his teeth, and clinched his jaw. What the hell was he supposed to say?! That he was trying to get away from the love his life to save them both from a path of self-destruction, because he didn't want Arthur to sacrifice anything more for him?! He doubted that would go over nicely! So what did Merlin do? He stopped tapping his right foot into the dark blue office carpet, started tapping his left one instead, gave his best smile, and _lied._ “I thought it was time for a change. I've got back all of the memories, and I'm trying to get my head around it. I need to get away - somewhere different - for a fresh start, all on my own.” Merlin finished cheerfully. It hurt inside to fake it because – inside - he felt like crying. 

 

Dr. Monmouth wasn't buying it. But what could he say? It wasn't like Merlin was signed up to be insitutionalized! It wasn't like he was a candidate to be institutionalized! He was still sound in mind. He's only had past traumas that caused him to close himself off mentally to not be reminded of how severe those pains were in the past. He only did those things to protect himself. And it wasn't as uncommon as people thought it to be. Dr. Monmouth didn't know how he did it so neatly and completely for such a large part of his life though, without it affecting every aspect of his life in the present. But then again, when you block things, your own blocks the reminders of painful memories, or things that the brain couldn't decipher because the emotion itself was too overwhelming to categorize. But the boy isn't insane! He is of sound mind! And he is getting back on track. He has everything and every reason to believe that he could pick up the pieces, that he could be happy, settle down, enjoy his career, family, friends, and everything else that life has to offer. The only thing he needs to focus on is confronting the things that he's blocked, the feelings behind it, and how it applies to him now as those past events and pains that triggers from it continues to come to him. The mind will _not_ give him every single memory back at once. The human mind will attempt to protect itself too. The only thing that Merlin has to do is not run away from it when it comes. If he can face it... he can survive it. And Merlin... Merlin came to him so determined. So ready to do whatever it took to get past this. To get better, to be healthy, and to move on with his life. What happened, between his last psychotherapy appointment, and now, that could have sparked such a drastic change? Dr. Monmouth didn't have the answer to that question. Only Merlin knew that answer, and Merlin... wasn't sharing. Why would he want to leave in the middle of his psychotherapy? When he was doing so well? It wasn't like he could force Merlin to stay. The only thing he could do was do as he asked, and that was find Merlin a very good colleague who would be able to take over the treatments in his stead. He still needed to drag this on a moment longer though. Maybe Merlin would change his mind in the process. Dr. Monmouth looked in Merlin's face to see the determined clinched jaw, Merlin's blue eyes daring to stare back at his browns, he then took a glance behind Merlin at his door to look again at the black leather suitcase and tote bag, and then back to look at Merlin stare once more. He swallowed. Tone resigned when he asked, “And you want me to find you a physician that specializes in my area of expertise that isn't far from a hospital that you could be employed at?” Merlin looked like he was trying to restrain an eye roll. The effect was just the same. And Dr. Monmouth could still hear the foot tapping on his carpet.

 

Merlin raised his right thumb and forefinger to press the bridge of his nose, he licked his lips, and responded, tone determined, “yes.”

 

Dr. Monmouth nodded slowly, before turning to the left of his desk to look at his black laptop, and typing into his search screens based at Merlin's request.

 

Merlin looked at the time. It was **8:30am**. He didn't think anyone would notice him leaving town. Not many people would _care_ to anyway. It wasn't like anyone _has_ kept in touch. With the exception of Will, Mithian, and Arthur. Gaius has called once to check in, but his hands have been full with his mum. She still feels guilt stricken, and responsible. Like this was all her fault. It wasn't. No one _chose_ for the things that happened to happen to him. No one _chose_ for his life to be a disaster. No one _chose_ for Arthur to fall in love with him, and no one _chose_ for him to fall in love with Arthur. No one _chose_ for his father to physical and verbally abuse on an almost daily basis. No one _chose_ for Peter and his gang to threaten his life, making his life a living hell. No one _chose_ for him to be bullied daily, to feel like he would never, _ever_ feel apart. No one _chose_ for his friends to hate him. No one _chooses_ any of this! It was a roll of the dice in life, and Merlin... he lost!

 

“Okay,” Dr. Monmouth started, tone still resigned, like he really wished that he could have talked Merlin out of this one. Fat chance! If Merlin's determined face was anything to go by. “There's a Dr. Richard Wallace, he works in Boston, Mass, in the states. There's some first rate hospitals in his area too.” Dr. Monmouth paused before continuing. “There's Massachusetts General Hospital, Brigham's Women's Hospital, and Baystate Medical Center.”

 

The only thing Merlin got from that was Boston, Mass, and he knew that he wouldn't be going there. Because Boston... is where Robert lived, and Merlin... was done with relationships. He knows what real love feels like now, he knows the feeling of the thirst that can't be quenched without the one that's meant to quench it. He knows without a shadow of a doubt that there will be _no one else_ that can fill Arthur's shoes. There is no reason to even try. He's had enough relationships, and one-offs for a life-time to have figured that out. And it got him nothing, but a feeling of emptiness when he was through. No, Merlin... is done. He responded, tone firm, right and left hands balled into fist on burgundy leather armrest office shares, after shaking his head, “no, not Boston. Is there anywhere else?”

 

Dr. Monmouth bushy brows did another scary impression of Gaius' again before sighing, and saying. “I may have someone else in LA -” Tone resigned again before Merlin cut him off.

 

“I'll take it!” Merlin said, eyes flashing, jaw tight.

 

“You haven't even heard anything yet!” Dr. Monmouth's voice raised a notch, tone slightly exasperated.

 

Merlin shook his head, while taking his right hand out of a balled fist, and pulling out his mobile phone. Voice determined. “I'll take it. As long as they specialize in psychotherapy, and as long as there's hospitals in the vicinity, I'll take it!”

 

Dr. Monmouth restrained _his_ eye roll. It was a near miss. Before he responded incredulously, “I don't understand why you would go so far away, but if you're determined,” Dr. Monmouth saw Merlin's frown, still hearing his foot tapping, and sighed, before continuing. “There's a psychotherapist there. Dr. Aulfric Timor. He specializes in psychotherapy,” Dr. Monmouth paused as he watched Merlin's fingers - from both hands now - go across his mobile phone's keypad in what seemed like ninety-miles an hour. Merlin paused to look up to Dr. Monmouth, as if he was waiting for him to continue. Dr. Monmouth internally shook his head before continuing. “There are three main hospitals in the vicinity of Dr. Timor's offices.” Dr. Monmouth paused again, and so did Merlin's fingers on his keypad. Dr. Monmouth _did_ shake his head this time before continuing, “There's the UCLA Medical Center, Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, and Keck Hospital USA -”

 

“Do you have a print out of that information so I'll be able to take it with me?” Merlin asked, all business all of a sudden.

 

Dr. Monmouth could only look at Merlin, expression in disbelief, and in a curious tone, he asked, “when do you plan on leaving?” He saw the bags but felt he had to ask.

 

Merlin held up his mobile in his right hand to face Dr. Monmouth with a full smile on his face. “There was a last minute cancellation, and I just picked it up. I have to get to Heathrow for departure within the next twenty minutes.” Merlin smiled deeper – dimples showing, eyes sparkling. “It's going to be the Air New Zealand. It's a one-way trip straight to Los Angeles, and I just signed up for premium economy. Departure time... **11:00am**.”

 

Dr. Monmouth looked at the time on the right bottom side of his laptop. It was **9:00am**. He sat back in his chair, and used his right hand to run his fingers through his hair. 

 

**

 

**9:15am**

 

Arthur just finished up his Greek Yogurt and homemade granola, his apple bearclaw, and his coffee. He started cleaning the dishes before making plans on what he needed to do to start his day. It wasn't like he had to work for the next month. Morgana saw to that. He _should_ go visit his father, but it was a weekday and that would mean going in to the office. That _would_ defeat the purpose of him having the time off. No, Arthur shook his head - as dried his now clean dishes with a dish towel - no, it would be best to visit him later on in the week. He needed to go home. To get himself situated, to mentally prepare himself for his therapy session with Nimueh. No doubt Morgana was telling her everything that happened since he got back, and no doubt she'll know that he spent the night here, instead of his own place. Not that it was forbidden. It was something Arthur thought would be for the best, and she suggested it later - as a reminder, and in agreement. It's hard to keep a clear head, when the focus of your unrequited love is within your reach on a daily basis, even though, the love is not so unrequited anymore. The time away from each other would inevitably be for the best. To give them both some time apart, some time to think, without feeling dependent on the other. Granted, going away together does the _opposite_ effect of that, but at the same time – it's the best option for them both. Some of their issues are – _directly -_ linked. The time away, away from outside interference and influence. The time away to talk. To ask those _hard_ questions, to _resolve_ their unresolved issues, will help Arthur to see what direction he really wants to take. And for to Merlin – hopefully – to know for sure what he truly wants. To know for sure if _Arthur..._ is what he truly wants. And hopefully he'll see - if that's the case - the reason for why he feels that way.

 

Arthur shook his head on that one. Love is so _hard!_ There's is no real rule-book when it comes to love. The stakes are always high, and there's always potential for the crash and burn! It's a gamble! And you have to be either all in or all out, hot or cold, but choose which way you want to be... you must. It's not something you can sit on the fence for for long. You have to choose whether you want to be in, and you have to choose to give it your all. But you can't choose the love itself. Love... love does the choosing for you!

 

Arthur felt a chill run down his spine. And with that, the reminder that he needed to go back to Merlin's room before he left to get his red Oxford hoodie. He'd be sure to leave it by _accident_ on his next visit. He knew how much Merlin loved to borrow it. Arthur smiled at that as he left the kitchen, and strode down the hallway to open Merlin's door, taking a glance around his room. Those ocean blue colored walls, and white baseboards. Ocean blue. A constant reminder to Arthur of the one who's eyes wields those colors. And how no one else could do it any better. Not to Arthur. 

 

He walked over to Merlin's walk-in wardrobe to look for his red Oxford hoodie only to freeze in place, mouth left hanging open. Then to feel himself tremble, his heart stopping next at what he saw. Half of Merlin's clothes were gone. He walked in further to see that Merlin's luggage was missing too. He kept it in the far right hand corner deep inside the wardrobe. If Arthur could have died, it would have been in that moment, because he felt like his heart stopped beating, and his lungs stopped inflating and deflating. Arthur's eyes started to water, and he felt a moment of hopelessness surround him again. It took him a solid five minutes of staring at the half empty wardrobe before he spun into action pulling out his mobile from his right front jeans pocket. It was **9:30am**. By the time Will picked up his phone, Arthur was in tears.

 

“Arthur?” Will answered, concerned. Normally Will wouldn't pick up his phone when he was teaching, being a professor at Oxford, and trying to keep his student's interest, but... Arthur wasn't a phone person. He did most of his talking in person if he could help it. Unless it was for business or short talk. If he was calling now, there could only be one of two reasons... Merls and Merlin.

 

Arthur's voice was stricken and hoarse when he answered. “Will, have you seen him?”

 

Will swallowed, “seen who, Arthur? Is everything alright?”

 

Arthur sucked in a breath, voice strained. It was obvious to Will that Arthur sounded like he was practically falling apart on the other end, and was trying to hold it in. “Merlin, have you.. seen him?”

 

Will grabbed and flagged his teacher's assistant, waving a hand to his phone. Owain gave him in a nod, and took up Will's position to continue the lecture in his stead while Will went for the door. Owain was a good teacher's assistant, will be a good professor, and Will wasn't overly concerned with him taking over the lecture. “No, Arthur. I haven't seen him.” Will voice was worried now. “Where are you?”

 

Arthur ran his left hand and fingers in his hair before backing out and landing on Merlin's black satin comforter set on his bed and sitting there. He shook his head. He could barely see before him. The tears were coming down so hard, and he gasped, before he responded. “I'm... I'm... in his room.”

 

Will's eyes started to water because something wasn't adding up. “He's normally in his psychotherapy sessions during this time.”

 

Arthur hiccuped. Voice grief-stricken. “Does he normally pack his bags, and half of his possessions for a psychotherapy session?”

 

“Shit!” Will gasped out. “I had a feeling this was going to happen, or something like this, but Merls isn't the type to pull a runner, and I've been keeping good track of him. Well.. between myself and Mithian, almost everyday. And Soph's been calling too!”

 

Arthur shook his head, before laying down – on his back - on Merlin's bed, and staring into his white ceiling. Voice resigned and hoarse. “He's not here Will.” Arthur croaked out. “He's..gone.”

 

Will ran his left hand and fingers through his hair before using the same fingers to rub his chin. His mobile still in his right hand to talk. “Did he give you the impression that he would leave?”

 

Arthur shook his head as the tears continued to fall before he remembered that Will couldn't see him. “No, not after...

last night.”

 

Both of Will's brows did a Gaius. It was Will's turn to choke out a response. “Did something happen between you?”

 

That took a second to register into Arthur's fuzzy brain before he said quickly with a shriek, “No! No, nothing like that!” Arthur's cheeks pink now, from embarrassment, as he continued, “we...we... talked. I thought we came to an... understanding.”

 

“Some understanding.” Will muttered under his breath. Arthur heard anyway.

 

Voice strained, “Will please, focus!” Arthur said while using his left hand to attempt to wipe the tears. His heart was beating triple time, and he had to bring himself back to focus too before he had a anxiety attack, and where would he be then?! “I need your help!” Arthur said pleadingly.

 

Arthur didn't beg. Unless it was serious. And anytime he did, it was because of Merls. He never had a problem getting anything else he wanted. And he had everything he wanted from Merls too, except for one thing, his returned romantic feelings. And now it seems he has that too, if he only saw it for it was and accepted it. Will wasn't taking sides on the issue though. Because _Arthur_ has a lot of things that he needs to deal with too, and he didn't ask for any of this. Those seven years aren't going to just – magically - disappear because Merls can say that he loves him now. Will had to shake his head as his thoughts continued. No, Arthur and Merlin have things to deal with here. And both of them deserve and need - his support. They _deserve_ a happily ever after, after everything they've gone through. To have that chance to explore what those shared feelings mean between the two of them, and to have a life filled with happiness. Because they've both spent too many years without it. Despite how they lived on their own. If only they _could_ have it! Will swallowed, and tried to focus. “Go see Dr. Monmouth,” Will said before providing Arthur with the address. Arthur would remember _anything_ of relevance. Or anything that he was told to remember. There was no need for him to wait for Arthur to grab a pen and piece of paper. Will groaned. Weyward tears starting to fall his way now. “We know that he had an appointment this morning. If he left he would have had to have gone through him first. Don't panic until we know for certain.” 

 

Arthur wanted to say, _“Easy for you to say, the love of your life is safe at home, and his is attempting to run away from him, or god knows what else!”_ “Arthur said instead, still trying to get his breathing under control, voice heavy, “I won't.”

 

“And Arthur,” Will called out, because he was just as worried. It was his best friend since the age of three that they were talking about here. “Call me if you need me to look too. I'll leave class if I have to. Just keep me informed. But go to Dr. Monmouth first, he may have the answers.” Will was grasping at straws in thinking Dr. Monmouth knew anything, they both knew it. But it was all that they had for a lead.

 

Arthur nodded, “I will,” Arthur groaned. “And I'll call you if – when – I find him.” Arthur didn't say good-bye. His red Oxford hoodie was missing from Merlin's walk-in wardrobe so he found his blue one instead back in his own walk-in wardrobe, before sliding it on, grabbing his keys, and practically breaking his neck as he ran out of the flat.

 

**

 

**10:05am**

 

Merlin... was cutting it close. But he made it in time for his counter check at terminal three. He was greeted by a nice clerk by the name of Mary Collins who assisted him. They went through his passenger identity information, his seating registration – he asked for a window seat - and his baggage claim information. His luggage was just the right size for Premium Economy to allow for him to carry it on the plane, instead of it being separated to be claimed later. He went through the security scanning of his bags – himself – and his personal belongings, and by the time he was finished. It was **10:30am**. And with a few minutes to spare he even managed to stop to a cafe for a mocha latte before he went to go to the gate/lounge check in. The lounge was crowded. With lots of families and friends sending off their loved ones. Merlin wasn't hurt. It just reminded him of how lonely he truly was. How that would never happen for him. And then he remembered... He didn't deserve for it to happen for him. Not after everything he's done. Not after the hurt he'd past around to so many. To Arthur. He'd only hoped that Arthur _would_ be able to move on. To find someone who could give him everything that he deserved. Because Arthur... Arthur deserved the best. No one deserved it more than him. He deserved to be happy, without, having to think about Merlin in his life. Without having to worry about about having to take care of him. Without having to worry about how to tell him that he didn't want Merlin in his life anymore. Arthur didn't deserve that sort of guilt. And now... now he won't have to worry about it.

 

The lounge in terminal three had some of everything. From complimentary food and drinks, to a fully-tended bar -which Merlin did manage to get a vodka on the rocks during his wait at, to Wi-Fi - plus newspaper and magazine selections, and a game room and cinema. It also had a family room, runway views, and an area they called No 1 Travel Spa, which offered messages and treatments. There were also showers set in the lounge, and single and twin bedrooms available too. Those would have definitely came in handy if Merlin had a flight departure that was scheduled for overnight travel, and he _wasn't_ afraid of succumbing to more nightmares. Merlin sighed, and he took his seat at the bar as he continued to drink his vodka on the rocks. When had he started that habit? He didn't really know. It happened somewhere between the time that Arthur left, and somewhere in between the time of his first nightmare. The nightmares were the main culprit. The vodka only numbed the pain from everything else. It didn't necessarily take the pain away. He was still in love, and he still suffered from the nightmares every-time he closed his eyes.

 

Merlin's never been to the states before. The closest he'd come to even _thinking_ about it was when he considered Robert's offer. He knew his answer before Robert even popped the question. But he promised that he would think about it. Merlin never really thought he was capable of love then. Those past relationships never did a thing for him. It was a temporary relief... a fix. Just to allow him to feel something. But it wasn't something that he truly wanted. He never understood the feeling of emptiness until he realized that he blocked it. He blocked because those feelings from those other men because they weren't for him. His feelings were meant for someone else. Someone who claimed it before he even realized that he gave it away. And those feelings were so strong that his mind automatically went in defense to block it because it saw yellow mixed with red. A sign of strong caution. A sign of something that it didn't understand, and because it couldn't be understood, it was blocked off to be safe and protected with everything else that was seen to have the potential of bringing catastrophic harm, or ever increasing pain. Merlin swallowed, as he ran has left hand and fingers through his hair, and played with the weyward threads at the bottom of his hoodie. 

 

Love. Love is an emotion that isn't an emotion that's understood. It scary, and can be downright frightening. There's rarely a choice in the matter, and there's nothing that can be done when the emotion takes over you. You can only ride it like a wave, and enjoy the ride. Because it _is_ a ride. A ride of heightened emotions. And those emotions come with a force because the only thing that comes closest to the emotion of love is hate, both equally strong, and equally dangerous. Dangerous, because you can't control it. Strong, because you don't want to. Not when your truly in love, and not when you're truly in love with the right person. It's not a pick or choose! Merlin took a big sip of his vodka leaving 20% in his glass before the bartender topped it off. Merlin gave him a nod in thanks. No... love... it just is. And now that Merlin does know, and understands, just what that emotion is, and how much it can take over your whole make up. If he can't have what he wants. He doesn't think he wants to have it all. Because he can't imagine ever loving someone the way that he loves Arthur. And there's no way that he could have that kind of relationship - their kind of relationship – with someone else. Not thirteen years of friendship, not the heart stopping, double-take feeling that consumes you very soul. No... not that kind of love ever again! He will just have to live life the way that it is. On his own. And hope for the best.

 

Los Angeles does seem like a nice place to start over. There's some big time hospitals over there to work at. Merlin looked online using his mobile to find that the UCLA Medical Center was ranked number one in Los Angeles. To work at such a prestigious hospital would do wonders for his career. And he is young, he _could_ start over. Twenty seven gives him plenty of time to accomplish this. Merlin took a moment to think about his mum, Gaius, Will, and Mithian. He would have to arrange for them, and Sophia and Aries to take a trip to visit him. He didn't think he'd be able to step foot back in London for a long time to come, _if ever._ It would hurt to much, and it would be a constant reminder of what he's left behind. Merlin's eyes started to water just to think about it. He down the refilled glass of vodka in one go.

 

“You alright, mate?” The bartender asked. Lucan, was the name on his name tag, He had dirty blond hair, brown eyes, and deeply tanned skin, with a nice build. _Merlin still looked._ He wasn't blind! But it did nothing for him. That told him all that he needed to know as well confirmed it that he - definitely - wouldn't be wanting anyone else. That was it! Because two months ago - hell, a little over a month ago - he would have tapped that! Before he understood his lack of emotions for what they truly were. Lucan looked at Merlin curiously. He was obviously being checked out himself. Still... nothing. Merlin shook his head, before responding, giving into his fate.

 

“Yeah mate.” Merlin swallowed. “I'm fine. Hit me with another one of these, and I'll be just fine?” Merlin checked his watch, it was **10:42am.** The gates should be opening soon. He could hold onto that.

 

**

 

**10:15am**

 

“Sir!” Dr. Monmouth heard his receptionist Finna yell out, “Sir, you can't go in there!” 

 

Dr. Monmouth was leaning forward elbows on his desk, hands covering his face, as he listened from behind his desk wondering if his day would be over soon. He didn't know if he did the right thing with Merlin. But he knew there was nothing else he could of done. The young man's mind was made up! He knew exactly what he wanted, and what he wanted... was to be far away from here. If there was something else that he could have done to talk him out of it, he would have tried, but as it stood, there wasn't. Shy of locking the boy up. And there wasn't a valid reason to do so. He was of sound mind, and body. He knew what he wanted, and he was quite capable of making his own decisions!

 

“Sir!” Finna yelled out again, the sounds were coming closer to his door. “Sir please, you have to have an appointment!”

 

Dr. Monmouth sighed as he removed his hands from his face, and folded them together entwining them before placing his chin on top. Resigning for what was to come. He didn't have to wait long. The force of his door opening, and hitting his white walls could have told him that. 

 

“Sir!” Finna continued to yell, as she stormed in behind... Mr. Pendragon, her brown hair flying in her face, brown eyes blazing. She shouldn't have wasted her time. Dr. Monmouth thought. Pendragon's could be arrogant bastards if they wanted to be, and they would be stopped by _no one_ if that were their quest. And Arthur - the nicer of the three – taking after his mother, Ygraine – god rest her soul, would be no different, _if_ the situation called for it, or if he felt threatened. Otherwise, he was completely charming and kind-hearted at any other time. But his Pendragon side was there, beneath the surface. And just like Ygraine, he could be fierce when he needed to be. Don't let him start on Uther and Morgana... Because he thinks that's the side of Arthur that he's seeing now. And Dr. Monmouth... had a good idea of what the situation was that brought Arthur before him right now. Chest rising and falling heavily, veins forced to his neck, hair askew, and lips red from constant biting. Dr. Monmouth doesn't even want to think about the fire in his eyes, and the red of his skin, he looked... absolutely... livid.

 

Dr. Monmouth swallowed, only wishing he could have had a shot of whiskey first before this discussion. He waved his hand as a flag off gesture to Finna. Tone confident, gentle. “Finna, it's alright. I know Mr. Pendragon, you may go.” The look Finna shot him in response was nothing more than, _“that bastard! What right does he have to waltz up into this office acting like he owns the place! Doesn't he know anything about rules!”_ Dr. Monmouth thought he'd have to school her later because, _Pendragon's,_ know _nothing_ about rules. It was a well known fact. Not that he didn't like them – in fact he did like them, and respected them - but he knew that there were times that he just had to tolerate them too. _Like now._ And if Arthur wasn't looking at him like he was going to set up a pyre and flay him alive first... he would have preferred him over the other two.

 

Finna looked on for five seconds longer, and after one more nod of assurance from him she walked out, closing the door behind her. Arthur's chest was still heaving.

 

“Mr. Pendragon?” Dr. Monmouth acknowledged in the form of a question. He wasn't giving anything away. He knew about Arthur from Merlin's psychotherapy sessions, but those were based on doctor/patient confidentiality clauses. He could not/ would not discuss _anything_ pertaining to Merlin's treatment, or progress, without Merlin's express permission.

 

Arthur's eyes were stoic when he spoke, his voice hoarse, his mouth set in a frown, his jaw clinched, and his hands in fists, “have you seen him?”

 

Dr. Monmouth was not going to give in that easily. “May I ask whom, you're inquiring of, Mr. Pendragon.” He'd known Arthur since he was a child. He could outplay him in these games, normally, except for when he was like...this. Since Arthur rarely ever got like this!

 

Arthur walked forward to Dr. Monmouth's desk, chest still heaving, and body shaking, skin still red, and eyes getting colder by the minute. Dr. Monmouth thought the temperature was dropping in his office. Arthur placed both of his hands on either side of Dr. Monmouth's mahogany finished desk, and leaned in. Voice sharp, anger lined in every layer of it. “Merlin. Have you seen Merlin?” Arthur was trying to harness all of his self-control. He almost got into two accidents just trying to get there, and all he could think about was Merlin. All he could think about was... why the hell did he leave?! Every muscle in his body felt stiff, he nearly had an anxiety attack just thinking about what he was going to do if he couldn't find Merlin, and now this son of a bitch is trying to _toy_ with him?! Arthur gritted his teeth, and clinched his jaw so tight he thought it was going to pop as he waited for a response.

 

Dr. Monmouth glanced at his laptop again to check the time. It was **10:22am**. He sat back in his seat to look at Arthur, he watched as his chest continued to heave, his breath sounding like he was wheezing, and his jaw was so tight that he thought it was bordering dangerous levels, and his hands were still balled in fist, like he wouldn't hesitate to use them. The redness still covering his face, and the bulging veins in his neck only reaffirmed that for him. Dr. Monmouth sighed, and spoke calmly, nodding at the same time. “Yes, he was here this morning.”

 

Arthur sucked in a breath. He didn't know if Merlin was lying by that note that he left behind. Especially with the missing clothes, luggage, and not even Will knowing why he had everything packed. He unfisted his right hand, and ran his fingers through his hair. He tried to control the rest of his body movements. He didn't think he'd truly calm back down until he found Merlin. Voice hoarse, Arthur asked. “Did he say where he was going?”

 

Dr. Monmouth wasn't surprised that no one - that Arthur - didn't know that Merlin was leaving. Yet... still, if Merlin did tell anyone he doubted Arthur would be standing here before him. And by the way Merlin made the flight arrangements so quickly to set for his departure... He doubted Merlin intended for _anyone_ to know until he was long gone. But... Merlin _didn't_ tell him to keep that part a secret. And Merlin is no longer his patient. Not to mention the fact that his traveling doesn't have anything to do with the doctor/patient confidentiality _unless_ Merlin requested that of him. And truthfully, Dr. Monmouth doesn't think that the move across god's green earth to LA was the wisest of choices for Merlin right now. Not while he's was in the middle of his recovery. And not while he's been doing so well. He was afraid he may not maintain the psychotherapy, that he might regress, that he might not fight at the same magnitude that he's been fighting for all of this time. He was afraid that his point of focus would be gone. It's not the best thing that could happen while in the middle of psychotherapy, but... Dr. Monmouth doesn't know what happened to prompt Merlin's choice in leaving in the first place. Dr. Monmouth unfolded his hands to run his right hand and fingers through his hair before running those same fingers through his beard on both sides. He responded, in his same calm tone. “He was leaving town.” Dr. Monmouth responded honestly.

 

Arthur didn't realize that he landed in the chair behind him until he did, having his legs give out from under him. He couldn't cry. Not in front of anyone, and certainly not in front of Dr. Monmouth! But his heart felt like it was doing all of the crying that his eyes couldn't do. He never thought a heart could break so much until it continued to break. He placed both hands over his face to cover himself from Dr. Monmouth while he attempted to control his breathing.

 

“Arthur?” Dr. Monmouth used his given name then. His voice concerned.

 

Arthur removed his right hand from his face to raise it, as in saying, _“give me a moment,”_ before placing it back over his face again. Arthur tried to count backwards from ten. He couldn't go from one hundred, until he caught the wording of what Dr. Monmouth said. _“He_ _ **was leaving**_ _town?”_ Which meant that he _**hasn't left**_ yet! Arthur pulled his hands down from his face, still trying to control his breathing. His heart pumping heavily, his anxiety trying to break it's way to the surface – he pushed it away, and attempted to ask, voice hoarse. “Did he say where he was going?”

 

Dr. Monmouth looked at Arthur, worry clear in his expression. He looked like he was about to have an anxiety attack right in his office. He was doing a good job maintaining, but if he didn't calm down, and soon... Dr. Monmouth nodded again. “He's made arrangements to move to Los Angeles -” Dr. Monmouth cut himself off when he saw the way Arthur's eyes flared hot, and got cold at the same time. He didn't know _what_ was going on in Arthur's mind at the moment. Seeing that Arthur was staring at him like he _would_ light a pyre and flay him a alive first before burning him if he didn't respond... Dr. Monmouth swallowed again before continuing. “He has a flight scheduled at the Heathrow, and it's scheduled departure time is 11:00am -” And that seemed to be all Arthur needed to know because by the time he finished that sentence Arthur was already moving and _out_ of his office, door slamming hard behind him. Not even a thank you given. Dr. Monmouth just shook his head. It only took three seconds before Finna knocked before opening the door to check on him. She must have been standing close by, waiting to see if she needed to be of assistance.

 

“Dr. Monmouth, are you alright?” Finna asked nervously, biting the inside of her cheeks, eyes widened. Dr. Monmouth looked paled. 

 

Dr. Monmouth shook his head from where he sat resting in his chair. He turned to his left to look at his laptop, then deciding to turn it off, before getting up to grab his briefcase and saying, “clear my schedule for the rest of the day Finna. I think that will do it for me until tomorrow. And once you're done. Take the rest of the day off yourself.”

 

That threw Finna for a loop. As she stood by Dr. Monmouth's door, eyes widened in surprise. They never leave early, not until 5:00pm sharp. They haven't left early since... she couldn't even remember when. She nodded. “Will do. Will you be alright to make it home?” She asked, concerned.

 

Dr. Monmouth nodded. “I'll be just fine Finna.” _“After he made a trip to Kilgharrah's for a shot of whiskey,”_ Dr. Monmouth thought. _“Those Pendragon's can run your blood pressure up every-time!”_

 

Finna nodded again, not a clue of what was going on in Dr. Monmouth's mind. Before she smiled and said, “that's good. You enjoy the rest of your day.”

 

Dr. Monmouth gave a small smile in return before responding, “you too.” Before making it out of his office to go on his way to Kilgharrah's where he wouldn't be expecting anymore _uninvited_ guest.

 

Finna only watched Dr. Monmouth leave before turning everything off, and leaving his office to return to her desk to begin making calls. She glanced at her dark blue laptop to check the time before calling, it was **10:32am**. If she got everything done soon enough she would still have time to catch her husband Lamarok, before he left for the police station to start his shift. She smiled at that. Maybe that horrible man that stormed into their office didn't ruin her day after all.

 

**

 

**10:45am**

 

It was at 10:45am that Merlin heard the boarding call announcement for Air New Zealand NZ1. Everyone who was set for the one way flight to Los Angeles, CA, were asked to go to Gate 7, Concourse A. It was the first call, so Merlin didn't rush, as he handed over some bills along with a nice sized tip for Lucan. He grabbed his bags that were set beside his bar-stool neatly, and he began to make his way over to his gate. It was no since to dally around. It wasn't like he had anything or anyone left here for him anymore. And it _did_ hurt to see everyone else so happy while at the same time resigning himself to be alone. Not that he didn't enjoy watching other people be happy. Far from it. It was only sad because it reminded him that he wasn't, and that he didn't have what they had, nor could he _have_ what they had. Merlin kept walking slowly, feeling more down by the minute thinking about that. He felt a little chilly, but he was warm. He knew that he shouldn't have taken it, but he took Arthur's favorite red Oxford hoodie with him, he was wearing it in fact. With his close fitting dark blue jeans, and his converse sneakers that.. has seen better days. Merlin wanted to have something of Arthur's to remember him by. And despite the fact that Merlin wore it too, he could still smell Arthur's scent on it when he wore it. They may not have been involved back then, but wearing something of Arthur's always made Merlin feel the comfort of home while he wore it. So the hoodie would it make it between _both_ he and Arthur's walk-in wardrobes, as it has been doing for years... until now. Merlin could always by him another one, and have Will give it to him as a gift so it wouldn't look like it was given by him. That might be a good idea, Merlin mused as he made it to his gate. The line already long. They must have ran there, Merlin thought. He stood in line - the end of the line - while he continued his thoughts, as he glanced at his watch to confirm the time. It was **10:50am**. Only ten minutes before scheduled take off.

 

**

 

**10:36am**

 

BEEP! BEEP! BEEEEEEEEP!

 

Arthur was beeping the horn of his Aston Martin a lot this morning. He'd almost been in four wrecks, and even managed to go through a few red lights, and some cautioned ones too. Arthur didn't even want to look in the mirror, he knew he'd look a mess. If only his sister and father could see him now! Arthur took his left hand off of the steering to run a hand through his hair with his fingers. He had absolutely no idea what he'd do if Merlin was gone from his life forever. And on top of that, he wouldn't even know why?! He wouldn't know why because Merlin just upped, decided to leave, and decided he didn't deserve to have a reason why?! It was different when Merlin wasn't aware of his deeds, but fuck, what was his excuse now?! Merlin has to be aware that this would devastate him! He has to know how much he means to him?! They just discussed what they were going to do only hours ago, just to wake up this morning to Arthur finding an empty flat with no sign of Merlin. Only to find a half-empty wardrobe, and no note to explain Merlin's reason for leaving, for good. He left a note saying that he was going to his psychotherapy session, for crying out loud! He even said that he loved me only to turn around having no intentions to be there at all! Arthur needed to calm down as his breaks squealed when he came to a stop at the stop light. He couldn't go through them all. Morgana already had him on suicide watch. No since in giving her any more ammunition. Arthur looked at the time, it was **10:45am,** and he was about five minutes away from Heathrow, if - he could only make it through the traffic. Arthur had half a mind to get out the car and run. And it will only depend on the remaining flow of traffic before he really makes that decision.

 

Arthur was really trying to maintain all of the composure he could muster but literally, he was falling apart inside. He knows he needs to keep it together. Depression brings about many thoughts, and the feeling of hopelessness can be overwhelming. But just the feeling of knowing that Merlin could just walk _out_ of his life, without... like it was so _easy_ to walk away. Like he _wanted_ to walk away. Arthur shook his head. He was starting to feel too angry, and he felt too lost to cry. Though, it was clear that crying, was exactly what he's been doing for quite some time now. If the puffy eyes, and the red-rims of it were anything to show for it. There was no doubt in Arthur's mind that he loves Merlin, even now. There was no doubt in his mind that he would be devastated if he walked out of his life without even a by your leave, an explanation, or even a fucking note! 

 

If it weren't for the fact that Arthur's been instructed in his therapy to take a constructive step back, outside of his situation, to reflect, and make those important decisions. To decide whether a relationship with the man he'd been in love with for seven years – who never returned those feelings back – was the right choice for him. To take the time, to date, to meet people - outside of your normal circle with Merlin – to not be drawn back in while making that decision. If it weren't for his own self-preservation... because those same tips didn't truly apply when you found out that those unrequited feelings were actually returned... Another tear did manage to fall from Arthur's left eye as he had to stop at another red light, pedestrians walking across the street. Arthur and Merlin orbited around each other for years. Merlin suppressing feelings for him when he thought that Arthur was straight. And Arthur trying to show signs of his affections, but not openly confessing the reason behind those signs for the seven years since he declared himself bi-sexual. Because he understood things for what they were at the age of twenty. Between the two of them... they spent nearly seven years a piece with unresolved feelings because they couldn't tell the other what they thought. Because they couldn't risk the loss of their friendship. And Arthur not only didn't want to risk that. He didn't want to risk that Merlin would return his feelings for the wrong feelings. He didn't think his heart could take it if he gave an all in to Merlin, because he knew he would give all in, if he did. That there would be no half stepping with those kind of feelings. They are way to... deep, and the way of it... without end. And if he gave into those feelings, if he gave in to find their relationship ending because Merlin decided later that he couldn't really love Arthur. That he went into their relationship for the wrong reasons, that he felt obligated to be with him. Well... Arthur didn't have an answer for that because the truth was, he didn't know what he would do if that happened, because he didn't think it would be something that he could get past that easily. If it happened now - while he was recovering – he knows it would destroy him. How badly? Not to the point of suicide, but it would be a major hit. If it happened later, years down the road? He would be devastated, and that would be _it_ for him where relationships were concerned. Because Arthur _refused_ to put his heart out there again to be trampled on. Merlin my not have done that to him intentionally but the truth is, the feeling of it is just the same. And the love that Arthur has for Merlin runs through everything. It's not about capturing something that he can't have, it's not about possession, it's not about obsession, but it is about completeness. It is about knowing when you look at someone that that Merlin was the one person in the world that was made for you. And that that person had the power to either make you or break you because they automatically had half of your heart. And that's where it becomes scary for Arthur, because there's no guidebook to dictate how to go through this aside from treading carefully. And if that makes him a _coward_ to be _afraid_ of trying now because he's uncertain, because he already feels burned with fire, then so be it! He needs the time to step back, to understand, to really make a decision on what his heart truly can take right now. And he needs to be at a place to survive it, while he does those things. And just when Arthur thought that they both settled on doing just that Merlin takes the rug out from under him, and then decides that he's going to change the rules!

 

Arthur knows he needs to be rational. That he's thinking partly irrational. He knows there _has_ to be an explanation for Merlin just deciding to run off without an explanation – something - that doesn't lead Arthur to think that he was being lied to this whole time. Or worse, that Merlin's feelings were something based on obligation, on friendship being lost, and on not wanting to hurt Arthur. Maybe his feelings weren't what he claimed it to be? They'd never have any answers if they didn't try to find out. Not if Merlin walked away now! 

 

Arthur finally made it to Heathrow. He only hoped his car wouldn't be towed away because he certainly didn't have time to find the designated parking area. It was **10:52am**! And he had just made it inside to he hear the boarding call for Los Angeles with a direction of where to go. Arthur couldn't have been more grateful to hear it. He was also equally grateful that he didn't stop exercising when he stopped eating accordingly. He was needing every bit of endurance in his arsenal right now as he basically side-stepped, jumped over, or ran through or around everything or everyone that he could to get to is destination before... he was too late. Because... if Merlin went on that plane, Arthur truly doubted that he would ever see Merlin again. Not if he got that far in his decision process. Arthur didn't even think that a trip from him to Los Angeles would have done anything to sway Merlin either if he left to get away. And who knows if Merlin would have wanted him if he left or stayed?! One thing was for certain - no matter how Arthur feels – Arthur will never truly know how Merlin feels about him, unless he puts himself out there too to find out. But can he?

 

**

 

**10:52am**

 

Eight more minutes, Merlin thought to himself as the line for boarding continued to creep forward. He had to focus on something, because his mind was focusing on other things. Like if Arthur would forgive him for making this decision. For taking this choice away from him, even if it was for his own good. Somehow, Merlin doesn't think that he will. He knows that Arthur would be able to move forward. It's in his blood, and he's strong. He has support. And he's handsome, caring, loving, and is absolutely everything that anyone could ever want in a loved one. There was no doubt in Merlin's mind that Arthur wouldn't be able to find someone who could truly love him totally and completely. Arthur _could_ move on, but Merlin doesn't think that Arthur will forgive him from taking this choice away from him. He'd still want to fix him – to make him whole again, like a puzzle - and then, if he's not fixed to his satisfaction? To his expectations. Where would that lead them then? Arthur could not promise or consider anything but that he would think about it. He probably only meant that because he didn't want Merlin to reject his help. And Arthur _shouldn't_ feel obligated to help him. Merlin shook his head while standing in line. Merlin was doing the _right_ thing, at least... he hoped so. It was one of the reasons why he left earlier than originally planned this morning. Because Merlin had the feeling that he wouldn't be able to leave at all if he saw Arthur one more time. Or worse, if Arthur _discovered_ his plans. Merlin didn't know what he would do then, or how he would explain it aside from the fact that he was doing what he thought was best. And Arthur deserves nothing but the best. Somehow, deep in his core, Merlin doesn't think Arthur would agree that Merlin's intentions were for the best.

 

The third boarding call sounded through the airport for Merlin's flight. There were six people ahead of him now. He heard commotion somewhere from behind him but he paid no attention to it. He didn't want anything to throw him off right now. He was trying to keep his focus. Plane rides weren't exactly his favorite things either considering the fact that it doesn't always make it to it's destination. Merlin even remembers the first time he went into a plane, that was taking flight. It was a planned trip to see the Eiffel Tower in Italy. It always fascinated Merlin, and since it did, the trip and the tour was given to him for his twenty first birthday. He had a panic attack write as the plane started to take it's flight. It was Arthur who talked him through it, who managed to hold him through it, even though they were wrapped in their seat-belts. Those seat-belts left no form of security for Merlin. It was Arthur, who was his security, his strong arm, his comforter, and his protector. It wasn't about idolizing him, it was purely fact. They always had a connection. Gay, bi-sexual, or straight, there was _always_ a connection. They just never understood what it was. And now... he was walking – running - away, and they never truly would see... just how far that connection ran. Because Merlin knows it runs deeper than a superficial love. Something that Arthur continues to accuse him of having. And he'd never believe it for anything else since if it's coming from him. There's no proof Merlin could give him. Love is not something you can look at like that. It can feel like a palpable force, but it's not something you can hold like a gift. There's no way to guarantee the feeling unless you trust. There's no way to truly see it unless you believe, and you see the actions of love being displayed before you. Words are only confirmations, it is not, something that will completely reassure you that you are making the right choice. Not if you are truly trying to force youself to believe that the feelings aren't real to begin with! And that's why Merlin felt so sure in the fact that Arthur wouldn't choose to stay with him, if he stayed behind. Because he knows that Arthur resents him for things that he can't change, but is equally Merlin's fault. He knows that Arthur hasn't forgiven him for it - that he doesn't want to - but _is_ trying to wrap his head around it anyway. To try and understand. To balance it all somehow. And that means, the only reason he would be attempting to help right now would be out of obligation because he doesn't want to watch him suffer. And because Arthur doesn't want to feel responsible for standing by idly, and watching him do it. It's very noble, but it's not enough, and not fair that Arthur would put himself out there like that. Not even thinking about his own recovery during the process. 

 

Merlin groaned, and it grabbed the attention of young blond haired, green eyed, pale skinned little girl. She had wide green eyes, sharp cheek bones, a button nose, and full red lips that looked like she could be pouting with them. She couldn't have been more than seven with her shoulder length hair. Merlin smiled at her, but looked forward anyway, catching her returned smile as he'd done so. 

 

No, it wouldn't have been right. Merlin could talk himself through this process over and over again, but the answer would still remain the same. Arthur was only helping him because he felt he _had_ to. It had nothing to do with love, but obligation and a desire to help. And though he didn't say it, he didn't leave much room for hope that there would be anything more between them after everything was said and done. Nothing else aside from 'he would think about it.' And Merlin really couldn't blame him for that. Arthur's heart has been open for the past seven years, and now he's only trying to protect himself. He had every right to close that door. To take a step back. To date, and to meet new people. Those are things that he should have been doing all along! He's only trying to do what he thinks is best in his own head right now. And Merlin's not going to stand in the way of that. Just because he couldn't handle watching it doesn't mean it wasn't the right choice for Arthur. Just because Merlin doesn't want to see Arthur dating other people - now that he knows how Arthur feels about him, and understands his own feelings for him in return – doesn't mean Arthur shouldn't have the time to get out there and date. Just because Merlin doesn't want to see or hear anything about Arthur sleeping with other people while he remains single throughout this whole recovery process – where there wasn't a timeline placed on! – doesn't mean that Arthur shouldn't explore. To get out there. To know something else that is other than Merlin! Aside from his other group of friends that he still does have! Just because Merlin couldn't handle the ultimate rejection in the end of, _“He would think about it,”_ doesn't mean that Arthur wasn't warranted to have the time to think about it. Those were _all_ right. But not a reason for Merlin to stay, and not a reason to allow Arthur to help him. Because there was nothing in the middle of any of those scenarios that made Merlin to believe that Arthur would actually _choose_ Merlin once they were through. Arthur was _only_ offering his help. 

 

There was more commotion from behind Merlin but he was still wrapped up in his own thoughts. Well... that _was_ until the man behind him yelled bloody murder about someone cutting the line, and the family ahead of him turned around to see what was going behind him. That _was_ before Merlin got the shock of his life. When he felt a hand grip strongly around his left arm. He didn't even have to guess who it was. He knew that grip. Had known it for the past thirteen years, as he was pulled in every which direction by it to go one place or the other. Even if they didn't touch all of the time they touched enough for Merlin to know! He knew the smell of the scent of cologne that overtook his nose, but was only lightly sprayed. He knew the feel of that hard chest his arm was being pulled against too. The only thing that Merlin didn't recognize was the tone of voice that came from it. He shuddered... just the same.

 

“You selfish bastard,” Arthur said with venom

 

Merlin froze, and sucked in a breath. “Arthur,” Merlin gasped out.

 

“Where do you think your going?” Arthur asked, voice hoarse, breathing sounding like a wheezing instead. Merlin still hadn't turn around yet. Arthur, this close is normally a warm presence around him, but now, Merlin could only relate it to.... bone chilling. He croaked.

 

“I thought it for the best, Arthur,” Merlin said, still looking ahead, still frozen in place, every muscle tense, blood gone from his face. 

 

Arthur nodded, his voice, cold, “you thought it was the best for whom?”

 

“For you -”

 

“That's bullshit!” Arthur shrieked. Arthur has had some time to think about it as he's been running the gambit to get to Merlin before his departure. This may have something to do with him, but it has everything to do with Merlin, and the fact that he can't face it if Arthur tells him no. It has everything to do with Merlin's fear of confrontation and rejection. And it has everything to do with the fact that Merlin wants to run away from it, instead of confronting it head on. There might be other reasons, but Arthur is sure that this is the core of it.

 

The other passengers waiting ahead of Merlin, and behind him, along with some of the clerks collecting their boarding passes, quieted.

 

Merlin flushed, embarrassed. But still afraid to speak with Arthur. Not when his tone was like that. It's not that Merlin hasn't heard Arthur speak to people in that way before. It was rare, but he has. He just... hasn't heard Arthur speak that way towards him! Merlin thought his decision was for the best. How the hell did he find him! “How?” Merlin choked out.

 

Arthur felt very inclined to answer that question. The question of how his life felt like it was about to fall apart again, and only in a matter of minutes of him thinking that everything was turning around in the right direction! “I went to grab my red uni hoodie that you borrowed from me,” _which he sees is doing just fine on Merlin,_ “and imagine my surprise when I went into your room, and found _half_ of your clothing, _including_ my red uni hoodie missing.”

 

Merlin went from frozen to tense, “I'll give it back -” He tried apologetically.

 

“I don't give a _damn_ about my hoodie Merlin, I asked you a question!” Arthur shrieked. It was completely silent around. Apparently everyone was thinking they were listening to a lover's quarrel. Merlin's palms started to sweat, and he was certain if he looked in the mirror his skin would be beet red from embarrassment. He nibbled on the inside of his cheek, and kept his head down, will that was until a clerk approached.

 

Merlin looked up to the clerk. He was too embarrassed to keep his head up before, with everyone staring.

 

The nice clerk, Mary Collins, who helped with his counter check spoke, trying to sound nice – it came out as cautious. “Hello sir, may I grab your boarding pass please?”

 

“You are not going,” Arthur felt like he was vibrating beside Merlin. His tone, unyielding, his eyes cold.

 

Merlin's heart sped up, and he felt a shiver run down his spine, because he's never been able to refuse Arthur anything. “Arthur, you can't _force_ me to stay,” Merlin said, while attempting to hand the clerk his boarding pass until Arthur grabbed the same arm – the right one - he was about to use, now firmly holding both of his arms. Chest pressed against Merlin's back as he stood behind him. Merlin's luggage still at his feet.

 

“I said, you are _not_ going,” Arthur hissed.

 

“Is everything alright?” Mary asked. Her brown eyes watching on worriedly. Like she didn't know if she needed to call for security.

 

Merlin turned slightly to the side to catch a glimpse of Arthur, and froze again at what he saw. His hair askew, his eyes on fire, his mouth a thin frown, his jaw clinched, and if he could feel Arthur's chest heaving as he stood back pressed to his chest. Merlin swallowed-hard, paled again, and shuddered. 

 

It was at that moment that Merlin understood a few things.

 

  1. Arthur had no intentions of letting him get on his flight.

  2. Arthur had no intentions of hearing or seeing reason.

  3. Arthur had no intentions of even backing down to listen to reason in the middle of an airport in front of all of these people!

  4. Merlin... Merlin wasn't going to be able to make his flight. He could kiss his chance of going away good-bye. And if he didn't end up shutting up right now, and doing exactly what Arthur says, he will be even more embarrassed than he already is, because apparently, Arthur doesn't feel compelled to have this conversation somewhere else if it's what it takes to force Merlin to stay!




 

It didn't bode well for Merlin, that's for sure.

 

**

 

“I am an adult!” Was the first thing Merlin attempted to say -yell - as he slipped into the passenger seat of Arthur's Aston Martin, and buckled up. Tone petulant. 

 

“Than fucking _act_ like it Merlin, and I'll not treat you as a child!” Arthur was still visibly shaking as he responded, buckling his seat belt first before putting his key into the ignition. His tone, still hoarse.

 

“It's not fair for me to have accepted that from you.” Merlin shouted, while shaking his hair. His hands and fingers now running through his hair.

 

Arthur looked at Merlin, incredulously. He hadn't even pulled off yet. He didn't think that he could until he stopped trembling. His was trying calm down, but he was still feeling anxious. And very much afraid of what was coming next. And then, to hear that. “What does my helping you have to do about anything being fair?!” Arthur screamed, his chest – still heaving. Arthur's scream sounded off loud enough that Merlin thought it would crack the car glass. It's a good thing that it didn't. 

 

“Because I can't give it back that's why! I'm not a charity case, Arthur!” Merlin yelled, eyes ignited, with his nose flaring up. He couldn't even really look at Arthur right now. He could only glance at him briefly before looking through the front glass window of the car instead.. Merlin sounded broken, a few weyward tears already falling from both eyes, as he continued. “There's nothing I can ever do to make it right. And I've _thought_ about it. There's nothing I can do. I've already _taken_ enough for you, I don't want to take this.” Merlin finished shaking his head.

 

“I don't believe you.” Arthur wasn't far behind Merlin where the tears were concerned. His eyes were watering again. He shook his head, took both hands and fingers and ran it through his hair, before shaking his head again in disbelief.

 

Merlin kept his eyes facing the front window of the car, not looking from left to right, not yet. He licked his lips, and started tapping his right foot into the carpet. There was nothing he could say to make it right. There would _never_ be anything that he could say or do to make it right. Somewhere deep inside Arthur would always hate him for that because there would be no way to truly make him pay. No way... except for rejecting him, and just saying that he wanted to be friends, and nothing further after everything else is said and done. Believe or not, that would be the ultimate pain imaginable for Merlin. The ultimate rejection. And that's not even about his condition. That's about having the love of your life decide while they're still in love with you, that they don't want you anymore. Despite Merlin not having the chance to prove himself as _worthy._ Despite the fact that he is being held accountable for everything in the past that he did to _unintentionally_ hurt Arthur. Despite the fact that he _knows_ his feelings are real, and _are_ for the right reasons that have nothing to do with obligation, keeping Arthur's friendship, or guilt. Granted, Merlin does love Arthur – always has as a friend – and would love to keep their friendship. But that is _not_ the reason behind returning his love. His love runs much deeper than that. 

 

The ultimate rejection would be to take everything that Arthur throws at him, own up to all of his deeds (whether he did it intentionally or not - due to a disorder(s) that he didn't ask for, based on several years of abuse and bullying that he didn't ask for.), he can allow Arthur to date without question or showing signs of jealousy for an inopportune amount of time as set by Arthur, he can think nothing of Arthur going out with other people – without him, think nothing of him moving out, stay single himself, and while he does all of that he needs to be sure to go to psychotherapy, return to work when his time off ends, and plan his schedule around Arthur's free-time. And in between all that, Merlin needs to _prove_ to that he loves Arthur dearly – and for the _right_ reasons – along with somehow gaining Arthur's forgiveness. And if none of this is done, to Arthur's satisfaction, at the end of a time that Arthur's deems that he's healthy... then Arthur has the right to say he doesn't want anything more than friendship, or no friendship at all. 

 

Which will _definitely_ happen because even _if_ Merlin gave in to all of Arthur's demands, even if he surrendered everything allowing Arthur the control to dictate everything from him, even if he begged for forgiveness everyday, even if he remained single and stepped aside to allow Arthur to come and go and he pleased, there still would be no way to _prove_ that he loves Arthur for the _right_ reasons. Arthur only reserved the right to think about it. He never agreed to anything further than wanting to help. And there's no resentment there from Merlin. Arthur has every right to do what he wants to do. To do what he thinks is best. He's trying to protect himself from seven years of heartache. Who wouldn't want to protect themselves? Arthur not _only_ wants to protect himself from love, but also from falling into a deeper state of depression while he's recovering. Merlin understands that. But why do they both have be tortured to make that happen? When they both know that the ultimate rejection will surely follow? Merlin had several thoughts – several questions, but he responded with this statement instead, as the tears continued to fall down both eyes. “It would have been better for you if we had never met.” Merlin said quietly.

 

Arthur felt like he was stabbed in the chest. Like he was stabbed – through his heart, and into the very core of him. Because that meant that Merlin wished he _never_ knew Arthur at all. That his life would have been better without Arthur in it. Of all the things to say. That's the one thing that Arthur has _never_ regretted. That, and falling in love with Merlin in the first place. Arthur was feeling stumped now, and a little bit lost. He raised is right hand and fingers, and ran it through his hair, and tugged it none so gently. And when he spoke, the pain was evident in his voice. “How can you... how can you even _say_ that?”

 

Merlin swallowed, before shaking his head. Maybe Arthur _didn't_ understand. Merlin replied quietly, tone distraught. “Because it would be better _for you._ I don't deserve you Arthur! We're more than likely _not_ going to resolve our differences. So where will that leave us then, in the end? It would be better if I moved on, and left you to live your life how you deemed fit. To meet people, to find someone -”

 

“How... dare you!” Arthur voice cracked with rage, slapping his right hand to the dashboard. It was such a loud smack that it sounded off through the car. Merlin recoiled, eyes stunned, and mouth gaped open. “How dare you make a decision like that for me, and justify it like your doing what's best for me!” A tear fell from Arthur's left eye, and then right, before it kept coming as he yelled. “Like you know... what's best for me!” Arthur's tone turned stricken, as he used his right hand again to attempt to wipe his tears. “You have no idea, Merlin.” Arthur shook his head. “And you had the ordasity, to agree with me just last night to allow me to help you only for me to wake up in the morning to find you gone. For me to have to retrace your steps to end up getting the information out of your Dr., only to find out that you were heading to LA! To find you leaving, without even telling me! How dare you, you bastard!”

 

“Arthur -”

 

“Not now, Merlin!” Arthur yelled, as he wiped his eyes and face with both of his hands and fingers, before wiping his hands on his jeans, putting the car in drive, and taking off, tires squealing. “I don't... I _can't_ even think about it right now.” Arthur shook his head as he sped out of the airport, and onto the highway. And _after_ considering the fact that Arthur was speeding and still shaking... Merlin thought it would be wise _not_ to say anything else until they were parked again.

 

 

** 

 

Arthur's brakes screamed in protest as Arthur stopped in front of their flat. He didn't put the car in park, nor did he remove his seat belt. He only used his right thumb and forefinger to press the bridge of his nose, before looking straight ahead again. He hadn't looked at Merlin at all.

 

And Merlin... Merlin was afraid to look at him. He swallowed, but tried - tone apologetic, to speak, “Arthur-”

 

Arthur wasn't having it. He started shaking his head. He did calm down during the drive though. His chest was no longer heaving, and his complexion seemed normal again. Arthur took a deep breath before finally turning to Merlin. The pain in his eyes, his voice, and the grief of it, was still there. “I'm dropping you off. I need some time alone.” And this is when Arthur's tone sent a chill up Merlin's spine because it did sound like a threat. “If you are _not_ here when I get back, Merlin, then so help me...” Arthur's jaw clinched, and eyes closed, as if trying to compose himself.

 

Merlin was actually _afraid_ of Arthur at that moment. Because Arthur was being completely unpredictable, and Merlin doesn't have any real experience with this side of Arthur. Not the angry and impulsive – atrabilious - side. Not that it's not there. Which is probably because Arthur's _never_ been angry at _him_ for long. Well... not until recently. And certainly not long enough for Merlin to have time to adapt to it, to set a pattern, or to predict what might come next! To be able to predict – to discern - whether Arthur would in fact... follow through with his threats. As it stands, he's already forcing Merlin to stay in London. He turned to face Arthur, and swallowed again before nodding. It took him ten seconds to move because he was still staring like a deer caught in the headlight at Arthur, as Arthur's eyes held his captive. Merlin licked his lips, Arthur noticed, but his anger radiated through him. It was Merlin that brought out this reaction. For what he's done to him. It made Merlin cry more. Will the tears ever stop?! 

 

“Arth-” Merlin attempted again, only to stop when he saw the pain shoot across Arthur's face at the sound of Merlin calling his name. 

 

Arthur shook his head again at Merlin. He swallowed, groaned, and sat his head back on the driver's seat, turning his head away from Merlin and looking straight ahead. Arthur continued to shake his head, as he spoke, voice cracking, “I...can't... _talk_ to you right now. I'll come... _back._.. but I _can't..._ right... now, and I have my appointment with my therapist soon,” Arthur kept shaking his head, his jaw clinched. “If she _sees_ me... like this...” 

 

Merlin nodded, and attempted to reach out to clasp Arthur's right hand in his left, but Arthur immediately flinched at the motion, and Merlin pulled back quickly - rejected. Merlin swallowed. He made things even _more_ worst than they were before. Merlin could only find himself nodding to Arthur in agreement of Arthur's suggestion of speaking later. And he understood it for it was too. Arthur, needed to calm down - and to control his temper and anxiety levels - before saying anything else to Merlin. Arthur didn't want to say or do anything that he _would_ regret later. And that was his predictable and self-controlled Arthur coming back to the surface again. The one that he _can_ relate to -- now understanding that that other side directed at Merlin from Arthur, was based on some hidden resentment and anger that Merlin's sudden attempt of departure ignited – if it wasn't already there - being reined in by Arthur all along. Merlin couldn't help but agree to Arthur's request. 

The next thing that he knew... he was standing outside of the car, door slammed, and Arthur was down the street fixing to make a sharp right turn, tires protesting in it's tracks. Arthur pulled off so fast he didn't even give Merlin the _time_ to collect his luggage. However, considering the events of the day, Merlin could only be left to assume that this was a strategic move on Arthur's part. To prevent Merlin from doing a runner again. He didn't even contemplate on it any further before he walked inside of their flat, heart still in his throat, on shaky legs. There wasn't anything that he could do about it right now. Not until he could speak with Arthur – to have their much needed talk. Apparently, they _both_ have a _lot_ of unresolved feelings, and hidden emotions below the surface that they haven't addressed yet. 

 

**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A penny for your thoughts.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to thank you all for sending in such wonderful comments for the last chapter. Your reviews continue to encourage me to get these chapters posted daily, and it inspires me to push myself further. I love reading everyone's thoughts and perspectives on this story! And if I haven't responded to your comments yet, I will be doing so shortly. This is another big chapter, which is why it's taken me longer than a day. I do apologize for the delay though. It's mainly Arthur's POV and Morgana's. The next chapter that will be posted tomorrow is about 90% M/A, and it is almost finished. But I thought it was important to see where Arthur's head is at this point. 
> 
> This chapter is also unbeta'd. If you see anything please feel free to let me know, and I will make the necessary corrections. With that being said, I hope you all enjoy the chapter!

 

Arthur did manage to call Will on his way back to his new flat. He never heard Will sound so grateful, and so happy before. Unless you counted the day of his wedding, and... the day that Aries was born. It was _obvious_ that he was worried about his friend, but when he heard what Merlin's plans were, and that Arthur managed to stop him in time from going, Will was indeed happy, and extremely grateful. He only regretted that he missed the signs. That he didn't know that Merlin was contemplating this next move. That he wasn't there to help him when he got that far gone. He had intentions to go see Merlin right away, but Arthur assured him that Merlin was fine, and that he needed some rest. Some _time_ to himself. Will was reluctant to accept that, but had no reason to believe that Arthur was misleading him, or planning something else. He hesistated, but agreed, asking Arthur to continue to keep him posted, and to let him know when it was okay to stop by or to call. Arthur knew that even _his_ request would not hold Will off for long, before he reached out to his friend. Not after Merlin's attempt to flee! But Arthur only needed to buy a little bit of time. And Will _would_ respect at least a day. Arthur advised that he would, and asked Will if he could also reach out to Mithian and Sophia to ask of them the same thing – he doubted he needed to be concerned about their other friends, Merlin's family, or his sister at the moment. Will agreed to do so, if it was best for Merlin _right now._ And Arthur assured him that it was.

 

Yes, Arthur assured him that it was. But Arthur had other reasons for this too. He needed to speak with Merlin, and without anyone influencing him _before_ they had their discussion. Arthur himself needed time to calm down fully, and he needed to get himself together to talk with Merlin, with a cool head. And most importantly, he did not want _anyone_ going to see Merlin who might fall for his reasons for wanting to flee, and aid him somehow along the way. No, this was between him and Merlin, and they needed to resolve those things together first, and then, everyone could reach out to Merlin again. _After,_ Arthur get's that ludicrous idea of fleeing across the other side of the world _out_ of Merlin's head! And if... _if_ by chance Merlin still _wants_ to leave... and there's _nothing_ that Arthur can say or do to change his mind... _Arthur_ would have to respect his wishes. Arthur _really_ doesn't want to think about that last sentence right now.

 

Arthur was barely able to calm down. And he barely made it home, coming close to having another accident along the way. Arthur thinks he even started some road rage. There was a lot more yelling out car windows, and horns blaring than he's heard about or seen in a long time, and they all seemed to be directed at him. Not that he cared about that at the time, or now even for that matter. He couldn't focus on it, not while his mind is being possessed by so many thoughts. He couldn't get past Merlin's words of wishing they had never met. Because, after seven years of unrequited love and depression _Arthur_ doesn't even wish that! And Merlin... Merlin was going to take his choice away from him by moving to California. Would he have _ever_ told Arthur why? Would he have attempted to keep contact? Would he have come back to visit? Or did he plan to fade out of Arthur's world in hopes that Arthur would have forgotten about his existence? Arthur shook his head as he yanked off his blue Oxford hoodie, throwing it on the couch as he walked through his living room. How could he have thought _anything_ like that! Arthur started stripping his other clothes off along the way from the hallway to his bedroom. Socks, jeans, t-shirt, and boxers before he found his way to the shower. The shower _would_ calm him. He just needed a break. A _moment,_ to clear his mind. A moment to _understand._ Wasn't it supposed to be easier, if Merlin returned his feelings? It didn't _feel_ any easier. In fact, it felt so... hard, Arthur thought. As he allowed the spray of the water to run down his face, chest, cock, legs, and feet. He didn't know what to do. This is a new Merlin with _returned_ feelings, who _made_ advancements _– on him,_ with all of his emotions going through his head, and he _didn't_ know how to handle it when he was trying to take a considerable _\- healthy -_ step back! Especially if he doesn't know if Merlin's feelings of love for him are for the right reasons! He's had years of bottling up his emotions, how could he know for certain, and so _quickly_ at that?! If only Merlin knew about his feelings _before_ Arthur's breakdown! Arthur grabbed the soap finally and began to clean himself off. He wasn't dirty. He just took a shower only hours ago, but he wanted to take his time before he faced the world again. He needed to.

 

Does it make him weak, that he wants to go over to Merlin right now, and to tell him how much he loves him? That he doesn't want Merlin to leave him? Does it make him weak, that he still wants to have a life _with_ Merlin in it? Does it make him weak, that he really doesn't want to date other people, but was going to do so because it was a request during therapy? And maybe... even on some remote and unintentional level... to make Merlin jealous? To make Merlin feel how Arthur's felt over the years everytime he watched Merlin go out with someone else? Is it wrong that he doesn't want to forgive Merlin right now? That on some level he wants to see him suffer some in return for what Merlin's done to him for the last seven years? Or, does that make him human? Is it wrong for him not to believe that Merlin's loves him for the right reasons? Should he take Merlin at his word? After seven years of thinking Merlin didn't love him like that at all?! Arthur doesn't know. But somewhere in there Arthur understands that he has to _forgive_ Merlin in order for him to _believe_ that Merlin loves him for the _right_ reasons too.

 

He has to forgive Merlin, or the resentment he's feeling is only going to get worse, before it turns into bitterness. He has to let it go, because there's nothing Merlin can do that can truly make up for everything that's happened between them. And short of Arthur walking away from Merlin, throwing all of Merlin's deeds back into his face, reversing their roles of the past seven years, ignoring Merlin's feelings – and shagging half of London himself... there's no way to punish Merlin for it either. And maybe... maybe that's why Arthur didn't want to commit to anything more. Because he wanted to torture Merlin for a while, on some level. To leave him in limbo, the way Arthur's been in limbo for the past seven years! Arthur shook his head as he turned around to allow the water from the spray to run down his back, legs, and arse. Those things were _never_ Arthur's intentions – well... maybe not _all_ of it. He didn't _plan_ it out – that's for certain, but the dating and the waiting to commit without giving a gaurantee _did_ work in his favor, even though the waiting to commit, the dating – meeting other people, and the moving out for a while was – is - _necessary_ for his own recovery. Something he hasn't focused on as much since he returned, because he _has_ immediately started to put Merlin's feelings before his own _again._ Without thought. But he knew that Merlin couldn't honestly feel good about him dating, moving out, or seeing people away from him. No matter how much he challenged him to do it, no matter what he _said._ Not if he loved Arthur like he claimed to have. Arthur knew the feelings of that firsthand. But he thought... they were both sacrificing something here. Merlin was going to support him in his recovery, while Arthur was going to do the same for Merlin. Like he's _always_ done for Merlin, because Merlin's _never_ lacked support from him. Which makes Arthur want to throw something in thinking about the bloody lame excuse that Merlin gave him for leaving. It wasn't _anything_ to do with an obligation for him, and Merlin knows it!

 

And truth be told - whether Merlin knows it or not - Arthur understood that he was sacrificing the most here, because supporting Merlin would require his presence more so than not. And he was putting himself in the fire because of his feelings for Merlin. Suffering from depression – and being forced to stay in close contact with the source, while _trying_ to recover is _not_ the best thing for him. Morgana was right on that front, even though she was being overbearing in her attempts to keep him away. She was right. It wouldn't be the best thing for him. Not if Merlin were to _hurt_ him, which he has complete power to do if he wanted to right now. He just doesn't know it. And that's why he needs that time away from Merlin. To take some of that power away, and to strengthen himself. And that does require getting out there, meeting new people, and moving out. Because his feelings are just as raw as Merlin's. But where Merlin's emotions are all over the place – and not focused on one thing, Arthur's emotions are focused around Merlin's. And each connection leads back to him, since he hasn't distanced himself enough. And because he's been putting Merlin first, again. It was a major risk to take on Arthur's part, a gamble. Because Merlin is the source of his unrequited love, and if Merlin were to turn around after he recovered to say that his feelings weren't real... the damage could be irrovocable. Just like what could have happened if Merlin stepped on that plane. But he was going against his own better judgment, his sister's, his therapists, and not to mention is _own_ self-preservation to do so. In order to help his best friend – like he thought they'd both agreed on. Because they would always be friends first. The details of everything else could have been worked out later. But Merlin decided to make his own plans. Without thinking of Arthur feelings in this, while Arthur's been doing nothing but thinking of Merlin's feelings, and of how Arthur can get past his own suffering to accept Merlin again all along. It's reminds him of their old pattern, before Merlin was aware of his own condition, all over again.

 

It does leave feelings of resentment in this that Arthur needs to deal with. It does bring up reminders of the past, that hasn't been forgotten yet, just because almost three weeks ago he found out about Merlin's condition. Three weeks isn't enough time to heal from seven years of damage, and to say that that explains it all! It can't erase the pain. Nor can it erase the suffering of it either. He's been putting his feelings on hold, because he's been focusing on Merlin's as being more important. And if Arthur were being honest with himself, he'd have to acknowledge that too. He'd be lying, if he didn't think that Merlin _should_ pay, for some of the things that Arthur has suffered from over the years. Arthur's been unknowingly paying for Merlin's suffering all along. He'd be lying if, in the back of his mind he didn't think that Merlin _should_ take some of the blame, that he should _feel_ some of the pain. Because... it was only fair, if Arthur had to feel it too. And that's the quirk, Arthur knows it _can't be fair!_ That he can't truly blame Merlin for his actions or his inaction in doing those things, when his illness was the cause for _most_ of those actions. He _can_ blame Merlin for some of the things, but not for all of it. And that only makes him feel _empty,_ with no place to channel his anger – or resentment to now, because the reasons behind Merlin's actions and inactions don't match up anymore. And because he hasn't found anything to channel it into, it's still focused on Merlin.

 

The only thing that keeps Arthur in check is his love for Merlin, and his need to help and support Merlin as he get's healthy again. It's the only feeling, and want for Merlin that hasn't changed between everything that's transpired between them. His love, remains unshakeable. And stands as a constant reminder to Arthur telling him that those feelings cannot _\- and will not -_ be ignored for much longer. He'll _have to_ address it. And the fact of the matter is... Arthur is _hurt_ – but his hurt can _heal_ in time. _Heartbroken_ – but his heart can _mend_ in time too. He _is_ in _love_ – And those feelings are _constant,_ and _unalterable._ Time won't be able to heal or mend those feelings. Which leaves him with little choices in what comes next. And that brings him back to where he and Merlin are right now. They _need_ to talk. They _need_ to yell - if necessary. They _need_ to resolve their differences. They _need_ to ask and answer the hard questions, and Arthur... _needs_ to come to a place where he can forgive Merlin! Only then can he get to a point to gaurantee anything else! _If he can get there._ If he can muster a little faith in Merlin, where believing Merlin loves him for the right reasons are concerned. He always had faith in him before. He _never_ had reasons to doubt that, or question Merlin's sincerity in the past. The only doubt was always on this one single subject. If Merlin accepted his love, would it be for the right reasons? And now... now that Merlin _has_ accepted his love... Though it is still out for the jury on whether Merlin's love _is_ for the right reasons... Why does knowing the truth about Merlin change everything _else_ now? Why does it call everything _else_ into question too? That can only go back to the misplaced anger – the resentment, and having no real place to channel it to. Now that Merlin has a get out of jail free card! Arthur gritted his teeth just in the thought of that one. But he couldn't really blame Merlin completely for something that he had no control over, it was his illness that was responsible. He could only blame Merlin for the things he was responsible for. Even though Merlin was still the one doing it before Arthur's eyes. It doesn't chage the feelings though. And that's something Arthur will have to think about, to _deal_ with, but not today. Not when he had to focus on his therapy session that was scheduled only an hour and a half away.

 

Arthur turned the shower off, pressed his feet onto the shower rug when walking out, and grabbed two large white towels from the built in shelf on the wall beside the shower, by the window. One to dry his body off with, and one for his face and hair. It didn't take him long before he sorted his hair out, and was pulling on undergarments, before changing into his navy blue v-neck cashmere sweater, and his black Armani dress trousers. He finished it off with a pair of black Vintage Gucci Italian loafers, sliding them on before he pulled his black leather double-breated knee length button down trench coat out of his wardrobe to keep him warm. The temperature felt like it was dropping again outside. It was best to be prepared. He _needed_ to be prepared. He needed to be dressed – to look the part, and to be ready for battle when he had his appointments with Nimueh. She was like a shark – a predator. Looking to stake out her prey, and sniffing for any sign of blood. If she detected any weaknesses in Arthur, she would strike. And with Morgana providing her with the ammunition... Arthur swallowed, he _had_ to be ready.

 

**

 

Morgana was cleaning up her kitchen when she heard the doorbell ring. She purposely took the day off in case Arthur needed her. She knew he ended up spending the night over at his old flat, and she was more than a little bit worried that it would set Arthur back in his recovery. There's was little more that she could do short from kidnapping, and sending him off to some far away land, or possibly doing the same to Merlin. She shook her head internally. No, she couldn't do that, even she had her limits. But she _refused_ to see her brother fall so deep into depression again. Merlin has no _idea,_ of the things that Arthur has gone through. No idea, of what _he_ put Arthur through _– continues_ to put Arthur through! Not that any of this _isn't_ Arthur's fault. Arthur had some fault, and choices he could have made better here too. However, the things that Merlin put him through over the years far outweighed that, in her opinion. And just because Merlin has valid reasons for it now, doesn't mean that those seven years never happened. That doesn't mean that she didn't have to stand by, and watch her brother put his hopes and dreams into someone who couldn't return those feelings back. While Merlin instead showed nothing less than adoration as a friend, accepting everything from Arthur along the way. Never thinking to say something was _too much._ That doesn't mean that she didn't have to stand by and watch her brother succumb to depression, and have thoughts of taking his life. It doesn't erase _anything!_ It just says that Merlin has _excuses_ for it now. Like everyone should break out the champagne and say, _“So that was the problem, well... problem solved! Drink up, and be merry all!”_ Yeah right, Morgana said to herself while rolling her eyes, and walking to her front door.

 

And now, _now..._ Arthur wants to put his _own_ recovery practically on hold to _help_ Merlin who didn't even _notice_ that he was falling apart right before his very eyes! She couldn't be angry at Arthur if she tried. He _is_ her baby brother -- her only brother! She _has_ wanted to knock him upside the head a few times though, over the years. Her control, in some ways does just that - in _hopes_ that he wakes up! - while trying to get him better at the same time. Because he really does need some sense knocked into him! The problem is, it wouldn't have worked. Something that Morgana has learned the _hard_ way over the years. It wouldn't have worked unless Arthur _allowed_ it to work. And the reason why only some things worked, while others didn't? It was because Arthur's got nothing but stars in his eyes where Merlin is concerned. The only thing that _did_ work was making sure that he ate, had support, a place to stay, and someone _always_ there to talk to. Morgana had to make sure that _she_ was always there, and their friends too. And when he got to the point of no return - because somehow he knew himself well enough to know when he needed the help - only then... would he give her the complete green light of control to take over. Like he's always done. She knows he's trying to take his control back now. She can see that -- and feels it too. The problem their having now is that she doesn't _want_ to give it _all_ back, not if the results boils down to getting this bad again, before he get's help next time! She doesn't want it to have to come to a 'next time' at all! And it makes her angry, because she can't be mad at him for being in love. And she's not being too controlling, _despite_ what Gwaine says. She's watching out for her brother because she doesn't want to lose him to himself for good! If he was looking out for himself that would be different, but he's too busy looking out for Merlin instead like his own health is irrelevant! Like it doesn't matter! What good would it do if he took care of Merlin only to fall apart or lose himself in the process?! He's too bloody noble for his own, that's what he is! And how can she be mad at him for that?!

 

But she can be mad at Merlin, because he was the cause of all of this! Because he does too greedily takes in everything Arthur gives him, including his support, and never thinks about whether Arthur needs some support too. He takes, and takes, and didn't once _think_ about how Arthur was depressed, how he dropped weight, or how he was having anxiety attacks right before him because he was too busy wrapped up fucking half of London to notice! Like the thought never came to mind that Arthur needed something too, or that Arthur was in trouble. And it probably didn't, because it would have required of him thinking of someone other than himself for a change. And even after he became aware of his feelings, it's still all about him! He never even thought to ask about Arthur's condition - even though Arthur's been taking the time to learn about his – only thinking of how it affected him, because Arthur was away – trying to get better - and not catering to his needs. And now, Arthur wants her to round up the lot... to say what exactly?! _“Everyone, perhaps we reacted harshly towards Merlin, and maybe we all owe him an apology for screwing Arthur – unintentionally – over for the last seven years, and...oh yeah, there's that little part about driving him to the point of_ suicide, _taking advantage of his kindness_ – his friendship, _and being such a horrible friend there too at the end!”_ Morgana rolled her eyes as she muttered to herself sarcastically, shaking her head from side to side – her long black hair swaying in both directions - as she continued her way – slowly – to the door. Even though the doorbell ranged again. _“And let's not be upset about Arthur's breakdown – no - that would be_ wrong, _or the way that Arthur's sacrificing his_ own _recovery to help someone who was too wrapped up in his_ own _life to notice his own best friend while_ he _was suffering - from depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and weight-loss - because he was too busy_ sleeping _with the whole Metropolitan area! We'll give him a pass on missing every sign in the book of love – even though he still did continue to_ sleep _with the whole Metropolitan area while doing so - his condition is the reason for that. How can he be held accountable for not seeing the signs in that case, even though we_ all _noticed it, and gave him hints too? No, he really can't be blamed for any of that. It wouldn't be fair! But, let's not forget how Merlin wants support now when he didn't give, and is still not_ giving _any in return to Arthur. Let's not forget that now... because Merlin is aware of his feelings, that he just wants Arthur to forget that the last seven years actually happened, and wants him to put his heart and everything on the line to surrender, and accept Merlin feelings for him in return. No questions asked! Because... again, just like throughout their entire friendship, Merlin's needs comes first! And whatever Merlin wants, Merlin gets! And maybe it's time for us to all bow down and accept it! But...No big right, we acted wrongly, it's only right for us to fix it now. Despite the fact that Arthur isn't seeing clearly. We'll just be there, for them both, and pick up the pieces when they crumble like a deck of cards, again. Because that's what friends are for right? Right.”_

 

Sometimes, her little brother could be delusional. But she's not going to tell Arthur that. Of course she wouldn't! It would only push him away, and he needs her to support him. Even when he can't see reason! They've always promised to support each other, to not allow the other to ever feel alone - abandoned, and Morgana has _kept_ those promise over the years. And she will continue to do so. Just like they agreed upon, all those years ago. And if Merlin does end up with Arthur's forgiveness? Well... she'll just have to watch him like a hawk, because...at the first sign of trouble... And in the meantime, if they do end up working things out, she'll have to come to a point where she'll accept Merlin again. She'll have to forgive him. Merlin's actions will determine how smoothly that will go over, and that will be based on how he treats her brother. She still sees, and likes Merlin as a friend. She just doesn't see him as someone for Arthur, not after _everything_ that's happened! Not yet at least. Probably because she's still unable to see past the pain that Merlin's put Arthur through. And to add insult to injury, he _still_ has enough power over Arthur to say that he's sorry, to provide an excuse of mental illness, and to say that he loves Arthur back. Like that's _supposed_ to cover seven years of heartache! And because Arthur has _stars_ in his eyes for Merlin, and was looking for a valid reason for Merlin's inaction... all is forgiven! Like those seven years never happened. And not only that, he also wants to oversee Merlin's recovery, be his support, and the icing on the cake... he wants take him away to the family lake-house too! For up to two weeks, he may as well be rewarding Merlin for breaking his heart! And this is despite the fact that Arthur's own recovery calls for him to keep some distance _away_ from Merlin. She's offended _for_ Arthur! And since he is _not_ looking out for his own health, it's up to her to look out for his health _for_ him before he gets too far gone this time. Because who's going to be the one to pick him up as _always_ when he falls? She is! Who's going to notice? Not Merlin, because it's still all about him! So if she seems a little more protective, if she's a little more controlling, if she's a little more forceful... It's because she trying to make sure that her brother doesn't fall to the point of no return – or to the point of involving their father! - while he's focusing on someone who never loved him back for all of this time, instead of on his _own_ needs. Who's going to look out for him if she doesn't? And since he's decided to ignore his own needs – his _own_ recovery, to support Merlin instead, _she's_ going to have to step in - to direct, to guide, and to nudge - to be there, to support him, whether Arthur _wants_ her help – or not. She put on her best smile as she opened the door.

 

**

 

“Hello, little brother.” Morgana said sweetly, as she opened the door further to usher Arthur in.

 

He smiled in return, using his right hand and fingers to run across his brow as he walked in. “Hey, I saw your SUV out front. I thought you were going into work?” Arthur said, tone distant, along with his expression, as he took off his black leather trench-coat, and passed it to Morgana to hang up on the hook. She took it easily, and did so.

 

Morgana shook her head as she walked toward the kitchen, knowing he would follow – it was their ritual, she waved her right hand for him to take a seat at the head of the kitchen table that seated six. “No, it's slow right now, and then.. you didn't call, so I waited to make sure that you were alright.”

 

Arthur winced – he _should_ have called, but he got distracted with Merlin's attempt to flee. It was tense between them too, because they both knew that there were things that needed to be discussed, but no one was jumping to share.

 

And both he and Morgana _knew_ how to bide their time.

 

“I'm sorry,” Arthur said sincerely, tone and eyes expressing apology, as he took his seat. He even managed to muster in a small smile. “I meant to call you just as we agreed, but I got... side-tracked.”

 

Morgana turned to him in time to catch the hurt that flashed before his expression before he attempted for stoic. She's spent too much time observing him for signs of depression to miss it. She grabbed two slices of multi-grain bread from the bread cabinet, and placed it on a saucer before turning back to him and asking, tone concerned and curious, “did something happen?” She didn't stare at him in wait, she continued to the refrigerator to grab the ham, roast beef, and cheese slices to build his sandwich. It was best for Arthur not to feel pressured to talk. It made him feel in control.

 

Arthur rubbed both hands over his face, he was sitting back in his chair, but leaned forward – elbows on the table. Arthur nodded while his hands were still covering his face. “Merlin tried to leave town.”

 

Morgana almost dropped the Cheshire cheese that she just pulled out of the refrigerator along with the ham, and the turkey. That threw her for a loop. She placed the cheese, ham, and roast beef on the counter top before turning to Arthur – who _still_ had his head in his hands. “Why was he going to leave?”

 

Arthur dropped his hands from his face. She knew his eyes were red-rimmed when she saw him at the front door, but he _seemed_ fine, and she didn't want to comment on it until he was ready.

 

Arthur shook his head. Even though he was trying to hard to hide it, the emotions – the pain – was flickering all over his face. “He didn't want to stay,” Arthur whispered, tone sounding grieved, tired. “He said he was doing it... for me. So I wouldn't feel obligated to help him.”

 

Now that's a sure way to trap Arthur, Morgana thought – to herself. If Merlin could succeed in making Arthur feel that way - hurt or guilty - about his reasons it would push him to decide something that would lean more favorably in Merlin's favor, and more quickly. Again, not giving Arthur the time to decide for himself what he wants. To force his hand and to rush a decision. Morgana's jaw clinched automatically at that. Merlin may have had a disorder, but he _has_ had chances to have a lot of the things that he wanted over the years, while Arthur's life completed revolved around his. Whether Arthur sees that or not. And what Merlin's doing right now has nothing to do with his disorder. Doesn't he see even now how unfair that is?! But instead of allowing Arthur the time to decide, he's basically trying to push an ultimatum out of him - forcing an all or nothing - because he _knows_ that Arthur loves him, and would do anything for him – including give in – instead of losing Merlin altogether. Morgana was getting angry just _thinking_ about it. She really hoped that Merlin's intentions were far from her assumptions, but he has to see that that is exactly what it _looks_ like! Like he's trying to force Arthur's hand to make a decision, just because his own mind is made up! How is that even fair?! And instead of waiting, he decides to move knowing what it would do to Arthur if he does. And not even thinking about the repercussions of it because he wouldn't have to be there to clean up the mess. Just like he's been doing all along, except for then he had a steady excuse. What's his excuse now? He may not have been responsible for not noticing Arthur's love before, but he knows of it now, and this time, he's _willingly_ breaking Arthur's heart. All because he can't _wait!_ If Arthur's waited for seven years then dammit, Merlin should be able to wait at least a month! Morgana was getting angrier by the second, but she couldn't show that in her tone. Her tone was supportive, encouraging even – when she spoke again, as she started stacking the ham, roast beef, and cheese slices on the multi-grain bread. “And were you, doing this out of some sort of obligation to Merlin?”

 

Arthur shook his head, from where he was seated. He took both hands and fingers to run it through his hair, before attempting to run it back in place, and tousling it instead. He licked his lips, before responding, tone certain and a little bit broken, “No, not in the way that he was _accusing_ me of. Of course I'd want to help him, how could I not? He's my best friend, I've been in love with him for seven years, of _course_ I wouldn't _want_ to turn my back on him. In some way, you can think of it as an obligation, but it's also out of love, and not wanting to see him go through this alone. He knows that! He was lying.” Arthur shook his head, and lifted his head to the ceiling, his eyes were watering slightly – it made him want to hide that. “You should have seen him, Morgana.” Arthur's tone turned stricken. “He _looked_ like he was falling apart last night. He was drinking heavily – he wasn't drunk though surprisingly, but it was clear that he was drinking a lot - he was all alone in the dark – trapped in his own worse nightmares – he's been reliving his past traumas you know, in his dreams...” Arthur shook his head, torn, and leaned forward placing his elbows back on the table, his hands dropped to his sides after he ran it through his hair previously. He shook his head again before covering his face with his hands again, and continued, tone strained, “He's going through psychotherapy during the day, and waking up every night from the nightmares of everything that he's tried to run away from in his own mind – for all of these years. Of course I wanted to be there to help him! And we _agreed_ to that last night. _He_ even agreed to allow me the time that I needed for my own recovery, he lied, and then... this morning, he was gone.” Arthur's voice cracked on the last word.

 

Arthur didn't even notice Morgana going to the refrigerator, grabbing the mayonnaise, and adding it to his sandwich. He didn't even notice her grabbing the chips. Nor did he notice her putting the sandwich meat, cheese, and mayonnaise back into the refrigerator. He only stiffened when she placed his chips and sandwich before him, and took a seat beside him at the table. He lowered his hands from his face then, his eyes were watered, but he didn't cry – he was obviously holding it back for her benefit. She was _not_ going to let him stop eating. She doubted he even ate lunch yet, and she knew that he had an appointment with Nimueh shortly. She responded gently, cautiously, “how did you find out about his plans?”

 

Arthur shook head as he picked up half of his sandwich. Tone hoarse. “I didn't. I only went into his room to look for my red Oxford hoodie to find that _half_ of his clothes were gone along with his luggage set.” Arthur took a deep breath before taking a bite of his sandwich. It should taste delicious, but it tasted like sand.

 

Morgana closed her eyes for a moment, and grabbed her scrunchy to place her hair into a messy bun. She kept her tone gentle, encouraging, and open – eyes sincere, when she asked, “What was he planning to do? How did you find out?” She got up for a moment because she forgot to get Arthur some tea, being thrown off by the news. The kettle was still hot. She had just had some tea herself, before Arthur arrived. She grabbed a tea cup, and added in the cream and sugar, just the way that Arthur liked it, and passed it to him as she waited for a response. And since Arthur looked like he was going to fall apart if you blew too hard, she waited, patiently.

 

He gave her a small smile at least, as he placed his sandwich on the saucer, and took the tea cup from her with his right hand. He closed his eyes, and took a sip, before setting it on the table beside his sandwich and picked up his sandwich again. His tone was still strained and hoarse. “When I noticed his things were... missing, I called Will. He told me... well rather, reminded me that Merlin had a psychotherapy session scheduled for this morning. I went to Dr. Monmouth's office only to find that Merlin was gone, and that he had plans to relocate to LA, his flight was scheduled for take off at 11:00am at the Heathrow.” Arthur heart started beating a tad bit faster just talking about it, and he sucked in a breath.

 

Morgana's mouth was hanging open in surprise, until she caught herself and closed it. But her eyes were still widened.

 

“I made it just before he boarded.” Arthur concluded, tone still strained and hoarse. Eyes distant and lost.

 

 _That didn't add up._ Morgana got up to go make herself another cup of tea with cream and sugar before she asked, openly curious this time, right brow raised. “And that was it? He just _left_ with you, after making all of those arrangements?” Both of Arthur's brows raised then. He had the good grace to look a tad bit guilty. He licked his lips, and took a sip of his tea. Morgana's left brow raised to match her right, “well come on. You've gotten this far now, you might as well tell me the rest.” She added with her left hand on her hip - wearing her snug fitting dark blue jeans, and her dark green long-sleeved cashmere turtleneck sweater with white socks, still looking like she walked out of a fashion magazine - before she grabbed her now made tea with her right hand, and making it back to the kitchen table beside Arthur.

 

“I don't think I gave him much _choice_ in the matter.” Arthur bit out. He really didn't remember everything that he said. He was fighting back a full-blown anxiety attack at the time. He knew that he was desperate, he knows he owes Dr. Monmouth and his secretary an apology, and he knows he probably owes Merlin one too. The only that Arthur was thinking about at the time was that he couldn't bear for Merlin to get on that plane! He couldn't bear to see him walk out of his life _– for good._ He knew that he loved him _too much_ to see him leave. But he also knows that he felt _angry -_ and he understands why, now that he's taken the time to reflect on it. But he hadn't reflected on it _before_ he went after Merlin. And at that moment - and even now - there _were_ so many things - so many emotions - that were bubbling and threatening to come to the surface. Things he really _needs_ to discuss with Merlin. Something that their trip was meant to accomplish! But to see that Merlin would just _leave,_ that he would _discard_ him like that, like he never _cared_ about him in the first place. While Arthur's done nothing but _love him,_ even to the point of putting his life on hold... And then, he had nerve to say that it would have been better if they had _never_ met. Arthur thought if he lived to see one hundred, he'd still remember how painful it felt to hear those words coming from Merlin. He felt a twinge in his heart just thinking about. Arthur placed his sandwich back on the saucer, grabbed a napkin from the side of the table nearest the wall, wiped his hands before setting it down, and running both hands through his hair in frustration.

 

Morgana waited him out, eyes widened, slight frown, she had a feeling with all of Arthur's delaying of the topic that this wasn't going to be pretty.

 

Arthur finally whispered out. “I forced him to stay.”

 

She was right.

 

“You did what?!” Morgana voice went octave.

 

Arthur winced, and then grimaced. A flash of anger went across his face, and then shame. He shook his head, before responding, his tone distraught, with a hidden layer of anger laced in it. His voice raised after each sentence. “What was I supposed to do? He was going to leave, Morgana. And I could tell that he had no intentions of coming back, and I know him well enough to know that he didn't! He made it sound like he was doing it for my own good. He said that he couldn't have me taking care of him out of _obligation._ That there was no way that he could make anything between us right. That _he's_ taken too much from me, and that he didn't _deserve_ me, like it was his choice to decide for me! He said that I should be with someone who did _deserve_ me. After everything. After last night, when he wanted me to believe so badly that he _loved me”_ Arthur shook his head before continuing, voice hoarse. “When he _promised_ me that he would stand by me in my recovery by giving me the space that I needed. He even told me to go out and date, and meet new people. He even... kissed... me! What the hell do you think I was supposed to do, just let him go – without even knowing why?!”

 

Morgana sucked in a breath, and her brows were running competition as to which one would go higher. If it weren't for Arthur having to leave soon to see Nimueh, she would have broken out the brandy by now. Which will be – exactly - what she will be doing once Arthur leaves.

 

Arthur's voice turned stricken - grievous, his eyes began to water, despite his attempting to control it – her heart went out for him, just to see him like this. “And then... and then... I woke up this morning to find that he was gone, that he had no _intentions_ of coming back, that he was about to board a flight to go to LA, and I _lost_ it. I'm not proud of it, but I lost it. What was I supposed to do, just let him leave?!” Arthur asked, it was a rhetorical question, Morgana knew. He shook his head, and swallowed hard. “So I _stopped_ him, the only way that I knew how. Before he walked out of my life. And then he said that it would have been better if we had never met.”

 

Morgana sucked in a breath. She _knew_ that Merlin didn't mean that last sentence. That was meant to _hurt_ Arthur, and it landed it's mark because it _succeeded._ But the rest. And then a thought came to mind, as she ran her right hand and fingers over her forehead, alarmed, she asked, “Arthur when you said by _force,_ you didn't mean -”

 

Arthur brows raised too, and he paled, before answering hurriedly, “My god Morgana, I would never hit Merlin! I lost it. I got _angry,_ I lost my _temper,_ I _stopped him_ from turning in his boarding pass, but I didn't _hit_ him! I would never forgive myself for doing something like that.”

 

“Verbal abuse is almost just as serious as physical abuse, Arthur.” Morgana chided, eyes sharp. “It's still abuse and sometimes people would rather have the physical because it's temporary over the verbal which seems to last a lot longer and causes more damage. Depending on the situation.” Morgana muttered, and rambled on almost to herself – like she was repeating something that she read, while scratching her chin with her left hand and fingers. “The point is, the boy is recovering from abuse, physical and verbal, and _bullying._ Do you really think that _helped_ your situation any or his?” Arthur would _never_ forgive himself if he did _anything_ to set back Merlin's recovery.

 

She wasn't being Merlin's cheerleader, but she knows what Arthur's 'losing' his temper is like. And it's a rare occasion when he does it because he has to feel pushed or threatened to get to that level. And since he's always so calm, charming, noble, loving, and gentle, she can count it on her one hand the times when he's actually _lost_ his temper. And those... she mentally counted – three - times that he lost his temper previously were when their father tried to get Arthur to distance himself in his relationship with Merlin when they were younger. Their father didn't think Merlin _was_ a good influence on Arthur, when in truth she does think he foresaw what's happening now. Their father was astute like that. And now... in reflection, she understands why. Because their good old father knew a lot more about Merlin's history than what he led on about, considering his close friendship with Gaius. Their father's attempts never worked though. Arthur only accused their father of being prejudiced towards Merlin and judgmental. Their father's attempts only made Arthur want to stick up for Merlin more. Especially considering the fact that their father never said anything about any of their other friends, and encouraged their friendships. It only left Arthur to believe that he was right, since their father wasn't able to give him any valid reasons why he should have distanced himself from Merlin. But the last time Arthur did lose his temper - which happened to be their father's last time to attempt to persuade Arthur to distance himself from Merlin too - Arthur's temper had surpassed her's and rivaled their father's own. So she _knows_ what _'lost his temper'_ means. And considering it was over Merlin's _leaving..._ and the way that he tried to... She doubts very seriously that losing his temper came out the way he's making it sound to her. And considering Merlin has _never_ seen that side of Arthur before – because they've never been that mad at each other, and Arthur absolutely adores him... She doubted he would have taken it well. And considering his past to boot, he definitely wouldn't have, at least... not... now, while he was still recovering. She doubted he would have been strong enough for that. Even _she_ watched her temper around Merlin when she saw him last. But she couldn't think of any alternatives for Arthur either on stopping Merlin aside from getting him some place where they could talk. And if Merlin was refusing, if Merlin was still wanted to go away, if he was completely disregarding Arthur's feelings, if he was lying to Arthur, if Arthur felt threatened... So many what if's?

 

Arthur went on unaware of his sister's silent concerns.

 

“I didn't abuse him, Morgana! I didn't hit him. I didn't bully him! I got angry. I had a _right_ to get angry. There's not a person alive that doesn't get _angry._ He was about to _leave!_ Without even telling me. Trying to tell me that it was for _my own good,_ like he had a right to _choose for me_ what was for _my own good!_ And I was fighting having an attack the whole time! I lost my temper because I couldn't control everything at once, and I felt backed up into a corner. While almost _losing_ the love of my life in the process. It's _not_ an excuse. I'm not proud of it. But if I didn't do it he would have left.”

 

Morgana's expression basically said, _“dam right it wasn't an excuse!”_ She wouldn't normally defend Merlin – not lately anyway, but she does defend what she sees as right from what she sees as wrong. And she _would_ tell Arthur, if she thought he was wrong about something too. But she knows that Arthur would _never_ do anything to intentionally hurt Merlin. He's been hurting himself for _years_ just to allow Merlin the time not to be forced into a decision that he _should_ have been forced into a long time ago. It would have saved them all the grief. And since Arthur was the key to unlocking Merlin's emotions, it may have unlocked it back then too. Not that anyone would have _known_ that. No more than Merlin would have known - if he made his feelings known while he still had a mind too himself, when Arthur was straight – when he didn't know _if_ Arthur would have accepted those feelings. Somehow... Morgana thought that he would have. _No one_ loves their best friend as much as Arthur loved Merlin. He probably didn't recognize his own feelings for what they were at the time. Just because he dated women didn't mean that he didn't love Merlin romantically too. He just didn't recognize it. Even though the spark in Arthur's eyes would go ten times as high for Merlin than it did for _any_ woman that he's dated before over the years, or any man that he took interest in during his _'self-discovery'_ phase. Morgana mentally put two forefingers down to hyphenate that phrase before shaking her head. Maybe, if Merlin had given in then, he may not have fallen as deep into his disorder(s) as he has now, where he has to go through such intensive psychotherapy sessions to 'fix it.' Where he may not have just missed out on his chance with the person he so claims that he really wants most of all now. Again, so many what if's! Morgana internally sighed. Before responded gently, openly, saying, “I think, instead of asking the question of what were you supposed to do... you should be asking yourself what do you want to do.”

 

Arthur sat back in his chair, sandwich and tea forgotten. At least he ate half of it, Morgana thought. He looked up to the ceiling, and used his both hands again to cover his face. He groaned – loudly, before he shook his head. And responded, tone hoarse. “I _love_ him.” Arthur swallowed. “I can't _stop_ lovinghim. There's nothing that I can do to _stop_ it. There's no - magical - cure to _fix it,_ no potion to drink to _dissolve_ the feelings, and I seriously doubt dating anyone - or even sleeping with someone else - will be able to 'fix it.'” Arthur paused, voice broken when he continued. “But I need time. There's still so much that I haven't even dealt with. I just got back, and I've only had time to focus on Merlin. I haven't had anytime to truly think about what I wanted to do yet. That's what the trip was supposed to be about.”

 

Morgana swallowed, and closed her eyes briefly before opening them, she took a sip of her tea by picking it up with her right hand, before placing it back on the table again. Then she pulled her scrunchy out of her hair, to let it fall before pulling it back up again. This part was not a secret, this she knew, she listened on.

 

“ _I can't lose him,_ Morgana.” Arthur finally croaked out.

 

Morgana nodded, as much as she wanted Arthur to move on with his life she knew that. It didn't stop her from worrying though, but his choices - once he made them - was his. She asked firmly, he need needed to make some decisions. “What are you going to do?”

 

Arthur pulled his hands down from his face – still sitting back in his chair – eyes watered, and gave her a look that said, “ _isn't it obvious,”_ before saying in that same tone of his expression, “what can I do? I _love_ him.”

 

You don't have to allow Merlin to force you into making a decision so soon, she thought. You don't have to continue to put Merlin's needs first. Maybe Merlin could possibly think about your needs for a change, and not attempt to run away when he feels he can't handle it! Because that seems to be no different than blocking out his feelings. Isn't that part of his recovery, to face his feelings, and not run away from it? And now that he can't run away from it in his own mind, he figured he'd run away from it by plane. Morgana internally rolled her eyes, because that would be classic Merlin to only protect himself first while Arthur laying everything out on the line for him. Instead of being honest with Arthur and himself of what is really bothering him, because she wasn't buying his ridiculous excuse either.

 

Morgana realized she was thinking to long, but rolled her eyes, and responded back, tone exasperated, “but you have to make sure that this is the right decision for _you,_ Arthur.”

 

“Morgana -” Arthur was about to argue, hands closing in fist before Morgana cut him off.

 

He needed to understand that this wasn't just a normal decision. That this was his _life_ that they were talking about here! He had such a tight rein on every other aspect of his life, with the exception of his love life. She had to make him see reason. She responded, tone firm, eyes firm while still gentle. “No, listen Arthur. For the past thirteen years your life has revolved around Merlin in one way or another. You've had your other best friends, but even they can say that it's been about Merlin, from the moment you met. It's always been, “do you think Merlin would like this? I wonder if Merlin is free this weekend? Do you think Merlin will want to go here? No, Merlin doesn't like to watch horror movies, or Merlin doesn't like those psychological thrillers.” She paused, left brow raised, daring him to argue that. Arthur didn't interrupt – his eyes were looking forward to a fixed point on her kitchen wall, his jaw clinched. She continued, “Now, to be fair, those were things you _would_ think about in regards to a best friend. But you never would go on and on about those things in regards to your other friends once Merlin came into the picture. You always made sure that Merlin was included then. And Will use to complain that Merlin was similar in regards to you back then too. He felt like he was given a back seat to his and Merlin's friendship from the moment they moved to London, and met you. But this isn't about Merlin here, this is about you.” She waited again, and with no interruptions, she continued. “And as you got older, when you fell in love, it's always been about when will Merlin notice. Why can't he see? What else can I do to show him?” She waited again, no interruption. Arthur practically drilling a whole in the wall with his eyes, jaw continuing to clinch tighter. They both knew that she was telling the truth. “And now that he _can_ see, it's about what if he doesn't love me for the _right_ reasons. Something _you've_ been concerned about for quite some time now. And you have _valid_ reasons for questioning that, because Merlin has _always_ given you what you wanted – if you really wanted something, why not give you himself too, if you _asked?”_ She raised her right brow, because they've had that discussion, because basically he could have _had_ Merlin a long time ago. But again, he was too noble with his idealistic thoughts of what love _should be like,_ for his own good _._ He had to want it all _perfect,_ and for the _right_ reasons, instead of just accepting love as it comes. Arthur's reasons were valid, the logic of it was sometimes questionable. But again, it was all about Merlin, and he never wanted to do anything to hurt him.

 

She continued. Eyes still firm and gentle, tone building, showing clearly that she was getting to her point. “But during these past seven years Arthur, you _did_ fall in love with him, you _did_ watch him continue to date. And to you, he _was_ happy. He accepted all of your signs without even noticing the _meaning_ behind them, he _shared_ your signs of affections, and returned them with signs of _love and friendship._ He never _noticed_ those signs in the way that you wanted him to. And in your desire of wanting him to _see_ those signs – of your love for him - you got _sick._ And depression can happen to people, but your depression came upon you from loving someone at such a degree when the person you loved _didn't love you back,_ while you continued to surround your life around him – while he _lived_ his life, _without_ you in it, at least, not in the way that you wanted to be in it.” Arthur remained silent, glaring at the wall, jaw clinched, but the tears were falling from his eyes before he even realized it, she passed him a napkin to use. He did, as he sucked in a breath. Her eyes watered too, it hurt her to talk about it. To remember how she watched him fall apart. It was always the two of them against the world. She doesn't _ever_ want to lose that. She went on, eyes and tone soft, gentle. “And instead of _separating_ yourself - even though Merlin stayed attached to you at the hip as a best friend – instead of _pulling away,_ getting the hell _out_ of your flat – for longer than a day or two, you _stayed,_ and you got _sicker._ Since you couldn't find it in yourself to _tell_ him.” She shook her head slightly there. They've had those discussions too, several times over the years, where she tried to convince him to tell Merlin. He even tried – several times even, but there was something about Merlin that made Arthur shy when he realized he had to be outright _blunt_ for Merlin to get the message, and then that was even questionable. It made Arthur on some level afraid that Merlin was _intentionally_ ignoring his attempts in order to not have to tell Arthur no, and Arthur didn't want to force a decision for again, the _wrong_ reasons. So he went back to his signs. And even tried dating again, and more than a few people that time around. But the dating never took the love away, and eventually faded out. Arthur must have been thinking about that too because he gave a tiny smile through his tears as he wiped his face with the napkin Morgana passed him again. She smiled back, but continued on just as gently.

 

“You continued to pour yourself into that person, you continued to _love_ that person, because you thought it would eventually pay off, you thought – he would _eventually_ see, while your heart and mind was broken from the hopelessness of it all. And I don't have to tell you how bad it got Arthur, you _lived_ it, you're _still_ living it. But then somewhere... out of the blue, when you were finally got it in you to realize just how bad things were between you, how _sick_ you'd gotten, when you were _finally_ going to pull away, _you_ happen to be the one who triggers Merlin's emotions, because _he couldn't stand to lose you._ Because the feelings were there, _unacknowledged, and unwanted_ for all of this time... And now, _now_ that he has no choice but to confront it, he's left with no choice but to admit that he _wants_ you, and that's fine. He should _know_ what he wants. But think about the _pattern_ Arthur. It's always been about what _Merlin_ wants for you. It doesn't _matter_ if he always gave you what you wanted, you never _selected_ a choice that didn't _include_ Merlin in it. Not even when it comes down to your own mental health, or your _own_ recovery, because even now, you are putting _him_ first. The choice here, _this_ choice here...” Morgana said while tapping her right fore-fingernail on the kitchen table to make a point. “This choice here needs to be about what _you_ want for once, and not about Merlin. It's _your_ life, Arthur. _You_ have to live it, but you _cannot_ let Merlin _force_ you into this decision. Or give you an ultimatum when while you're still trying to figure it out. He may not owe you for you falling in love with him. He can't take the blame for what your heart tells you to do. But he does owe you the time to make a decision. It's the least he can do for his part in all of this. Because even with a condition, he _should_ still own up to his responsibilities now that he can so clearly see the damage that he's done. It's like causing a wreck, it wasn't intentional but it happened, you share some responsibility in cleaning up the mess, and taking care of the victims during the process. His illness may have been the culprit, but you weren't looking at his illness – you didn't know about his past, you were looking at him, just like he wants you to look at _him_ now. _Your_ still thinking about responsibilities, and allowing Merlin time to get healthy, and you've done nothing wrong in this mess aside from what you allowed to happen to yourself because of love, and being too damn noble for your own good!”

 

“Your only seeing the bad -” Arthur croaked out before Morgana interrupted him.

 

“I think I'm calling it right in the middle, and we both know it.” Morgana shook her head, and swallowed, wishing she had some brandy, before responding tone and eyes, open and honest. “You know that I've always loved Merlin. I can't say that I've liked him _recently –_ after seeing everything that's happened between you too, and watching him act like he didn't care that you needed to get better at _all_ in comparison to you not being there for him. Like I only sent you away for _his_ benefit, and not for you to get well. Like your breakdown _didn't_ happen, or like it was _insignificant_ in comparison to _his_ situation. And no one was comparing it, he made it sound like it was all about him. Instead of it being about you _needing_ to get better too. Instead of him putting his selfishness aside for _once,_ to think about you too, as you've always thought about him. That _did_ get me, and it would! Your my little brother, and he was being selfish, and wrong. I didn't even say anything negative to him until he started yammering on about that nonsense! His _attitude_ about it all, like he shouldn't be sorry about _anything._ And everyone else should be going _woe_ is Merlin, like he's the only one that's suffering since you weren't there to be there for him. I do have to admit, that _did_ get me. And I've talked to him, more than once even, and I didn't see a lick of remorse in him. It was still all about Merlin.”

 

Arthur averted his eyes, covered his mouth with his right hand, and swallowed, but listened on. He didn't know anything about the details of those past conversations, but he could only assume one of them was from that argument that they had in the bar while he was away. It was something to think about.

 

Morgana clinched her jaw, but continued, tone and eyes still open, “I know that he has an illness, but just like you have had to own up to the things that you've done wrong, I think he should too. Aunt Margaret, whenever she did have an episode around us when we were little, before father got more cautious of her being around us unattended, and before she decided to strike out on her own always apologized. She always owned up to what she did wrong, even if she wasn't aware of what she was doing at the time. She would ask what she'd done, and she would be sorry, and she would attempt to make it right. People do _accept_ responsibility, Arthur. It's not always _ignored_ as if it doesn't exist. As if it should be overlooked, no matter the damage in it's wake. I think that's what he doesn't see, and everyone is too afraid to tell him, your too afraid to tell him, because we've always just given him what he wanted, just like you did, but in our own way. And when we do tell him off, we all look like the bad guys for attempting to set him straight, or _you_ jump to his defense.”

 

Arthur shook his head. “He has apologized, to me that is.” Arthur shook his head again, before placing both hands and running it through his hair, and licking his lips, before speaking firmly - but still hoarse. “He apologized, and he's blaming himself for everything. But most of that is his emotions going all over the place from everything that he's had to face again. He hasn't even processed the things that he's done yet, or hasn't done even.”

 

Morgana nodded again, before taking both of Arthur's hands into her's and folding them together, she spoke gently, her eyes matching, “Whatever you decide, I will support your decision. As long as you can look me in the eye and tell me that decision is for _you,_ and not for Merlin. And as long as you take the time to make the decision without allowing yourself to be forced into a wall or given an ultimatum, which is basically the same thing. And if Merlin can't find it in himself to see that you need time, if he can't find it in himself to give you that time, if he can't see for himself that you have things you need to recover from too – even though your situations are different – then he's probably not the friend that you thought he was. At least, not anymore. Because it is clear that you need time. But whatever your decide, make sure that it's for the right reasons. And don't expect me to stand by, and watch you throw your life in the toilet if it isn't, thinking I'll just come and pick up the pieces. We promised each other that we would look after each other. Don't let yourself go, don't give up on your own recovery while focusing on Merlin's alone. Even if you do decide to be with him you'd do him no good if you are not whole yourself.”

 

Arthur nodded, tone and eyes resigned when he responded. “I haven't decided yet, we haven't even talked since...” _The unsaid airport fiasco was clear._ “We need to talk, and we need that time away, but... I promise.” Arthur shook his head. He couldn't stand to see how worried his sister has become, and knowing that he was the source of that worry - while he's been focused on Merlin instead. It was like their Aunt Margaret all over again, and she's closer to him. And she's worried about him... while being pregnant at that. He was going to have to find a way to fix it all, for everyone, including himself. His tone was hoarse from emotion as he continued. “And I promise that I will do _everything_ that I need to do to in order to get better, but you need to do something for me too.” Arthur paused to tighten his hold on their folded hands. Morgana listened on, watching their hands, and waited. “When I make this decision, no matter what I decide I need you to be able to support me in it.” Arthur raised his brows since their hands were still folded together to stop Morgana before she spoke, she was just about to. She clinched her jaw, and listened on. “I know that you have your own thoughts about how Merlin feels about me. So do I. And you've made some valid points, but the fact of the matter is Merlin's disorder was _different_ from Aunt Margaret's. Though you do have a good point in taking responsibility. That's something Merlin's going to have to live with. And your right on the point that the years still did happen. I'm still feeling the _results_ of it, and am having just as hard a time in forgiving him in some things as you are.” Arthur swallowed.

 

Morgana continued to glance at their hands before looking back at Arthur. She was surprised that he was having a hard time forgiving Merlin at all. Merlin could probably destroy Arthur's Aston Martin like he did his Porsche and Arthur would still have stars in his eyes for him. But it made her feel better that he _was_ thinking with a clear head. Because no one could just turn around, and ignore their own pain, as if the past never happened. How could they heal from it? Coming to the point of acknowledging that means he really is starting to get better. She listened on.

 

And this time when Arthur spoke, he sounded strained. “I'm having a hard time forgiving him, but I know that I can. That I have to. I just need some time. And I need to know that we aren't rushing into things, and that Merlin is doing things for the right reasons, and that he's not lying to me. I still need to have that distance from Merlin to figure it out too because being with him, all of the time – with all of his emotions in full force - leaves my thoughts to think in the wrong directions. And it seems to do the same affect on him too. Which means we aren't really focusing on what needs to be done then. Especially not if Merlin agrees with me in one moment, and attempts to fly away to LA in the next.” Arthur swallowed, as he shook his head. “But I don't even know if he meant anything that he said before – not after the way he was going to leave. I don't even know if he even loved me in the way that he claims. It brought all of my fears back to the forefront. He was so willing to leave it all behind, to leave _me_ behind, like it didn't matter, like _I_ didn't matter.” A tear fell from Arthur's left eye, he didn't notice it. “Those actions this morning from Merlin does not match up with his words, and it's confusing as hell, because as much as I want to walk away right now I know that I can't. Arthur banged his best with his right fist in his chest, voice hoarse and pained, eyes distraught while saying, “because this won't allow me to.” Arthur swallowed, as he hit his heart, before shaking his head - tone broken. “I don't know what to do.”

 

Morgana's eyes watered then. She nibbled on the inside of her left cheek, before licking her lips, and speaking – tone and eyes encouraging, “I think you need to talk to Merlin, Arthur.”

 

A few more weyward tears fell from Arthur face, before Morgana unfolded her hands from his and passed him another napkin. He chuckled painfully, and took it before responding – tone and eyes broken. “He doesn't even want to be in the same country as me.”

 

Morgana shook her head, and leaned other taking her left hand to run it through Arthur's hair, putting it back in place again. It _was_ all over the place. Before she responded encouragingly. “Even being mad at him, I can _honestly_ tell you that leaving you would have been the last thing that Merlin would have _wanted_ to do.” She held her right hand out to stop Arthur from interrupting, he was about to. “I've known him for thirteen years too remember?” Arthur rolled his eyes with a clear expression of, _“not in the same way.”_ She rolled her eyes back before continuing, tone knowing. “You need to talk with him. He's not being honest with you, that's for certain. But you won't know what he's thinking unless you talk to him. And while you're at it, you need to do some talking to. Because your not being completely honest with Merlin either. Your not lying to him, but you are omitting things. Granted, it's because your trying to protect him from your feelings while lending support instead, but it's eating you up inside and he needs to hear what you have to say. Maybe then he can understand why you've been holding yourself back. And why you haven't just jumped into his bed by now.”

 

Arthur flushed, even through his tears, while Morgana shook her head and rolled her eyes.

 

Morgana continued, tone comforting, eyes gentle. “He _does_ love you Arthur. He always has. He just became a suckey friend in the end there when he got men crazy, but it took him what ten and a half years to screw up royally in your thirteen year friendship? And no, we don't know if he loves you for the _right_ reasons, but you do owe it to yourself to find out after seven years of loving him, and waiting for him to make a decision. And you've practically admitted that you will _always_ love him. You owe it to yourself to talk with Merlin and to try and figure it out. Whatever you decide. Whether you decide to be together, to remain friends, or to part ways. You both owe it to yourselves this time to talk, and to be honest with one another. Without the kid gloves, because that's what I suspect is going on here because it seems like you've gotten no where after two major discussions – if Merlin trying to run tail to LA says anything - and you're always left coming back looking like you've been run over by a train. A heart can only take so much abuse, Arthur!”

 

And god help her, she never thought she would give that advice to her little brother, but she would never steer him wrong. Even if sending him to talk with Merlin again will add to more sleepless nights of worrying for her. Hopefully her doubts about Merlin will be proven wrong, or he'll change to become less self-absorbed. She continued, tone sincere. “But the feelings your feeling right now, the pent up emotions that are causing you _not_ to forgive right now. Are _human_ feelings, Arthur _._ Your just not use to being angry at Merlin. But I don't know anyone alive who would be able to get over everything that you've been through without any resentment to deal with.” Morgana paused, because she needed to get this out too. Her first tone became more discerning, her eyes gentle, but firm as she continued. “It takes time. It's a human response. And that _still_ doesn't take away the fact that he was too wrapped up in his own love life to notice your depression, your withdrawing at your lowest points, your onsets of anxiety attacks, and your weight loss! He had to be basically sleeping on the job to miss all of that! You _were_ upset at Merlin during those years. You had to have been. Because he was your best friend, and the one person that you depended on aside from me and possibly Gwaine, and he wasn't _there_ for you. He lived with you, and didn't even _notice_ you had a problem. And after all the times that you have been there for him, and have constantly put him first in your life. And even now, your doing the same thing, and he's _still_ not there for you, attempting to run away instead. You have the _right_ to be upset. There has to be feelings that you have to work through. You were just falling so deep that you never acknowledged it, not even to yourself, and definitely not to Merlin. If you had expressed it then, you both may have some sense knocked into you way before now. But these feelings that you're feeling, it's not something that's just showing up, that's why you're having such a hard time forgiving him now. You need to _talk_ it out. You _both_ do. He needs to know what you've gone through, and maybe he can understand you're reluctance now. And you both need to do it _without_ running away from each other! Because... apparently, you haven't been very _honest_ about your feelings regarding this matter or with what you want to do next either.”

 

Arthur shook his head, and rubbed his hands over his face. He swallowed-hard, and groaned loudly, before sounding grief-stricken. _“Your_ the one who _told_ me that I should be dating other people. You, Nimueh, and that therapist back at the resort. You all said that I should be getting out and meeting other people. You even agreed with my suggestion to move out! In fact you practically moved me in here!”

 

Morgana sucked in her lips and licked them, before running her right hand over her brow, and speaking sharply. “That doesn't excuse you from sharing your feelings. And my involvement... in helping... in giving you directions... in sending you to see your therapist... That's because my little brother was in a full blown depression, losing weight by the minute, having frequent anxiety attacks, threatening _suicide,_ and having a nervous breakdown _right_ before my very eyes!” She ended in a shriek.

 

 

Arthur flinched, and shuddered. Eyes fixating back to the wall again. Arthur understood very quickly that she was not going to be finished yet.

 

 

She continued, tone still sharp, voice elevated a few levels, eyes glaring. “That's because my little brother was in love with someone for seven years who didn't _love him back,_ and pop, all of a sudden he claimed that he does, and didn't show a lick of remorse about any of the damage that he's done during the process. That's because I wanted my little brother to get _better_ again, and preferably _before_ our father found out, and decided to take matters out of my hands deciding to _'fix it!'_ Morgana shrieked again.

 

Arthur winced and grimaced. He was still incredibly shaken from the day, and now from this discussion too. But it didn't stop him from remembering the 'fix it' solution. They both feared that. Arthur's expression became crestfallen and chastised all in one.

 

But Morgana wasn't finished. “That's because I wanted you to have sometime _away_ from Merlin, because you _never_ would have chosen that for yourself as long as you knew about his disorder - that he conveniently _told_ you about, along with his _sudden_ declaration of love for you - _before_ you left in an effort to get you to _stay!_ Your depression is sparked by an unrequited love, Arthur, of course I'd try to keep you away from the source of it for as long as I could. I didn't even make it permanently, I just wanted you to have some space. How else would you have had a clear mind to make a sound decision about what you wanted to do! And you wanted to get better, and you didn't believe Merlin before you left. You were still being treated for an unrequited love! And that has nothing to do with you being honest with him now. How were you ever planning to accept him if you couldn't be honest with him about how he's hurt you?! You need to talk to him! But don't blame me for wanting to protect you, what kind of sister would I be if I didn't?! And you still need space, you still need to get out there to meet people outside of Merlin, you still need a clear mind away from Merlin to do that. To make own your choices. Without always choosing what Merlin needs first. No one steered you wrong, Arthur. The only advice that you received in all of this is that you need to put yourself first, because who's going to do it if not you? It's obvious that it's not going to be Merlin. At least not until you two can finally put your heads together to be honest with one another. Without him attempting to flee. And he'll never know if he's doing anything wrong until someone tells him. And that leaves you!”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A penny for your thoughts.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to start off by thanking all of you for sending in such wonderful comments. I will be responding to them all shortly if I haven't responded to yours yet. They continue to encourage me to get these chapters posted quickly - daily - when it's not this long, and it continues to inspire me to push myself a little bit further. I love reading your thoughts and perspective on this story! 
> 
> This is the first part of the chapter. It's a very long chapter, and I had to force a break to post it. This chapter is also unbeta'd. If you see anything please feel free to tell me and I will review it, and make the necessary adjustments.
> 
> Warning: for minor triggers. 
> 
> With that being said, I hope you enjoy the chapter!

Arthur was grateful that he finally got his anxiety down to an acceptable level. He did _not_ want to have another confrontation with Merlin while on the precipice of a _full blown_ anxiety/panic attack, and he was so close to that the last time. As it was – while trying to hold it together - he was already having a panic/anxiety attack right before Merlin's very eyes! Arthur shook his head while driving, and paying attention to the road – still in thought. But if it weren't for his trying to keep it under control as best as he could...he would have been in the hospital right now instead of on his way to his old flat. And that wouldn't have gone well because him being in the hospital would have been a sure way for his father to find out--everything. Morgana's words ranged through his thoughts about how Merlin must have felt at the airport. He could only imagine from Merlin's side of things, that he looked like a mad man. Arthur shook his head to himself as he drove to his old flat. It wasn't his intention. But it didn't make it right either. There's no justification for it, he was wrong. He should have considered Merlin's condition. It was just...that at that moment... Merlin was not acting like someone who _had_ a condition. Merlin was cold. Merlin seemed fully aware of his actions, and fully aware that he was going to leave Arthur, and on some level...he seemed fully aware that it showed that he didn't care. While saying it was for Arthur's own good. Well...Merlin's ends failed to justify the means. Because there would have been nothing about Merlin getting on that plane that would have been a benefit for him right now. And he thought he made that clear to Merlin last night. It's not like Merlin isn't aware of his feelings for him. He's made that clear too. He confessed to it as soon as Merlin asked him. It's not a secret. Why would he leave?! Arthur took his left hand off of the steering wheel to run his hand and fingers to his hair before returning it. And that's the twist for Arthur. That's something that he doesn't understand. He didn't understand it this morning, and he doesn't understand it now.

 

Merlin claimed that he loved him, he argued the case that he loved him for the _right_ reasons. He was quite adamant about it even. And Arthur heard Merlin's words, loud and clear. He's heard every word that Merlin's ever _told_ him. He doesn't miss a beat from when Merlin speaks. And he remembers everything of importance, and since it pertains to Merlin, _everything_ is of importance. It's something that he and Merlin _don't_ have in common, because Merlin hasn't noticed a lot about Arthur, nor does he always take in Arthur's words, but Arthur _does_ do this for Merlin. Throughout their friendship, and up until now. Arthur knows Merlin in ways that Merlin has never taken the time to know Arthur. And where Merlin has _blocked_ off his emotions, Arthur _never_ did. He _sees_ it all, and he _feels_ it. Arthur can only assume that's why his depression is so severe. Because he never did turn off his emotions. He's tried, but with every attempt, he's failed--or made it worse. So when Merlin told him that he wanted to make their arrangement work, when he challenged Arthur to _date_ other people, to go out and _meet_ other people, when he _accepted_ Arthur having to move out, claimed that he would do _whatever_ it took, and claimed that he _loved_ Arthur... Arthur took Merlin's word for it, and _tried_ to believe it. Because he _wanted_ to believe it! It was all that he had to hold on to. That doesn't mean that Arthur believed that Merlin loved him for the right reasons. Merlin has been very quick to say that he does, but he obviously has not really taken the time to sort it out. And him attempting to go on that plane was proof that he was not being honest with Arthur. Is it possible he's not being honest with his feelings too? He didn't have to go across creation to get _away_ from Arthur. That was Merlin's decision to stay far out of reach. And if Merlin believes that was being honest with Arthur...then Merlin's not being honest with himself.

 

It's not like Arthur couldn't completely relate on that front. He's told Merlin what his therapist has asked of him to do for his recovery, but he never specifically said what _he_ wanted to do either. Probably because he's been uncertain himself. Afraid that he's going to walk off of a cliff if he decides everything to soon. He _has_ admitted to needing time, he _has_ admitted that he needs to _meet_ other people – to _date_ other people – to have less dependency and more of his own identity _outside_ of Merlin, he _has_ admitted that he can't guarantee anything other than a friendship right now, but he _hasn't_ gone any further to elaborate. And saying what he _had_...prompted Merlin to say that he didn't even _want_ to be friends with him anymore. Because he couldn't wait for Arthur to make a decision. Like Arthur didn't just tell him that his therapist advised that he follow this routine for his own recovery. Merlin didn't want to be friends because he couldn't stand to wait! So he chose to give an all or nothing instead. Something that...for the first time...Arthur _couldn't_ give Merlin.

 

Arthur shook his head again. He clocked the distance. Thankfully he only had another ten minutes. Morgana knew very well what she was doing to move him across town. He didn't even go to her flat everyday before, she probably figured it would be the same thing in reverse in not wanting to go and see Merlin.

 

When Arthur thought about Merlin's words of not _wanting_ to wait. He couldn't help but think that Merlin's never really _had_ to wait. He's never had to play it even or to allow Arthur's feelings to come first. But he's also never taken the initiative to try either. He's always accepted that he comes first where Arthur is concerned. And that was just fine, until it wasn't. Throughout their relationship Arthur _always_ catered to Merlin's choices, or he's made decisions _based_ on things he knew that Merlin would choose for himself. He was never wrong. But that's probably because he always paid attention. Maybe on some level then he must have felt like Merlin needed some...special handling. Even though he wouldn't have had any idea of Merlin's past abuse. That...like Merlin said, _was_ an Emrys family best kept secret. And if Will only knew about the verbal abuse--something he just admitted to, and not the physical. And considering the fact that Will's known Merlin since the age of three...one would have to believe that it was a best kept secret. Arthur always intervened on any bullying that he's _ever_ seen. And if there was _more_ like Will stated, the night before he left, then Merlin was pretty damn good at hiding it, or lying about it. But then again...if he locked it all away in his own mind..than that would mean that they wouldn't have noticed if Merlin stopped allowing things to be noticed himself. Merlin's condition was _not_ one that could have been spotted out. To everyone he stood out as self-centered and oblivious to everyone else's needs. That is _still_ part of his personality it seems. It wasn't all about his disorder on that front, but an ingrained part of who he is. But his disorder brought it out to new heights because Merlin turned his emotions off where deep - personal and painful - feelings were concerned. It just made him cold at times, because it only affected him there. To some he lacked sensitivity. Which led people to think that Merlin didn't care or that he was calloused, unless a topic of discussion held relevance to him. And he would perk up when the discussion held relevance to him. It wasn't like Merlin's was like that throughout their friendship -at least not as bad as it's gotten - he'd gotten worse closer to his adult years. But Arthur - as always - made himself more flexible to Merlin's needs. Arthur catered to his needs, to keep him involved, and to always make him apart. And eventually...even through some of the changes...so did everyone else. His attitude wasn't something that would make anyone think anything was wrong with him. Not on the grand scale of things. People had personalities like Merlin's. It a human trait. No one would have known that his was so deep that he blocked so much off. And everything was just fine. Until it wasn't.

 

Arthur continued to stare ahead on the road, and groaned. He's _always_ catered to Merlin. He always based his decisions around him, always supported him, and has _always_ been there for him. He's always placed Merlin's needs before his own. Which... in some ways was the reason why he wanted to allow Merlin to choose him on his own, without Arthur coming right out, and bluntly expressing his feelings. He didn't want Merlin to feel forced into a decision. And now, the _one_ time he speaks with Merlin about his own personal needs... And it wasn't even him that finished the discussion - it was Merlin that steered the ending to where he wanted it to go - but the one time Arthur needed Merlin to understand, what was the result? Merlin wants to move to LA.

 

Merlin was perfectly capable of picking up the signs it seemed from anyone else who put the moves on him, but he always missed the signs from Arthur. Even though Arthur's were more elaborate, more romantic. And now, even when Arthur was trying to tell him how he feels – while Merlin has his emotions! - and what he needs...Merlin's still missing it. And it wasn't like Arthur didn't attempt to get Merlin to talk first last night. It was the first thing that he did. He tried. He tried to get Merlin to talk about how he was doing, about his nightmares, and about his condition. (Hell, he even took the time to study up on Merlin's condition to understand it better, to be more supportive! He even talked to Will too to understand what was going on with Merlin now!) He tried to get Merlin to open up. Merlin only answered what he _wanted_ to answer. And that was classic Merlin. He doesn't always open up, he's not always honest, and he doesn't always express himself. Even though he's quite capable of doing so when he wants to assert himself for something that he wants. Kissing Arthur and making him feel like a bowl of jelly proved that! It wasn't like Merlin was afraid to deflect the discussion from himself to steer it to Arthur instead. And Merlin was _good_ at it. He was good at steering the conversation to a desired outcome that normally ended in his favor. And it never bothered Arthur before before because he always _wanted_ to give him everything. _Well_... until he realized that giving _everything_ may be what could possibly end his life. Until he realized that giving _everything_ was hurting himself, and worrying _everyone_ else around him, with the _exception_ of Merlin. That's when he realized that he had to start taking his life back into his own hands without _giving up_ everything. And what happens the first time he asserts _himself_ with Merlin?

 

Arthur shook his head. He remembered his last conversation with Merlin before he left for the resort, and how Merlin waited until the last minute to say that he would have said yes. That he loved him. Merlin understood _very well_ how much those words would have affected Arthur at that moment. That's probably why it _was_ the last thing that he said, because he wasn't getting the outcome that he was looking for. And it did affect Arthur! It did. Merlin knew how to hit his mark where Arthur was concerned. And if it weren't for the fact that Arthur was one step away from their father finding out about his condition? If it weren't for the fact that some of his self–preservation actually kicked in? Arthur knows for a fact that he would have stayed, and given into Merlin's every demand because he had no power over himself at that moment. Not when it came to Merlin, not when Merlin actually told him everything that he wanted to hear – whether it was all true or not. And if Arthur made that decision... There would have been nothing that Morgana could have done to stop him. Which is probably why she wanted to create some healthy distance between them. She probably didn't think he was seeing straight. Arthur shook his head at himself. She was right. He wasn't, not at that moment, and not since he's been back. Because his focus went entirely back to Merlin again. And now...Merlin's told him that he would have been better off if they'd never even met... Merlin knew how to hurt him when he wanted to, and he knew that he had the means to do it. It wasn't boding well for Arthur trying to get better if Merlin didn't understand. But that would make a difference if Merlin actually _cared_ about him like that in the first place. The plane incident leaves much room for doubt in that area.

 

Arthur swallowed and groaned again. He was out of his depth here and he was _confused._ Merlin agreed with him on all of those things that he told him he would need to do for his health. And then Merlin tries to go on a plan to leave. And if Arthur didn't get there on time... Merlin _would have_ left. He was in the process of boarding for god's sake! And he was _refusing_ to speak with him, _refusing_ to leave with him. If he didn't force him he _would have_ left. It was an equivalent to saying a big fuck you! What message was that saying to Arthur? Because it certainly wasn't saying it was for his own good! What part of any of that could have been for his own good? And obligation? When has that _ever_ come up as a question in the thirteen years that they've known each other? He's done nothing but love and support Merlin, and it's had nothing to do with obligation and they both know it! Arthur blood pressure felt like it was up notches as he processed each thought just thinking about it. He took several deep breaths. He had to calm himself back down. He couldn't afford to lose it or himself with Merlin. Nor could he afford to have another onset of an anxiety/panic attack either. Arthur may have felt better after speaking with Morgana, but the truth is... he didn't feel any more secure about speaking with Merlin.

 

**

 

Merlin had several emotions that ran through him after Arthur dropped him off in front of their flat like a impudent child who was disobedient this morning. Like he was twelve! It ranged from anger, resentment, anger again, regret, defiance, and finally resignation of the situation, at least... for now.

 

He felt anger, towards Arthur, because he embarrassed and humiliated him in the middle of the airport. When he should have left him to leave or not have come at all. His decision was made. It was for Arthur's _own_ good for him to leave. Why couldn't Arthur see that? Why did he have to show up to take that decision away from him? What gave him that right?!

 

He felt resentment, towards Arthur, _for_ taking that decision away from him. For telling him that he needed to move away, for telling him that he needed to _date_ other people, to _meet_ other people, and for not being able to give him anything better than an, _“I'll think about it,”_ once they were through. What kind of guarantee was that?! It was no guarantee at all, that's what it was! He expects Merlin just to sit around and watch the love of his life date and date without even a date in place to how long this was going to be happening for. What did he expect Merlin to do for all that time? And what, did he expect him to stay home and wait by the fire for when Arthur deemed himself ready and available to be there for him? When did that even happen? And why was it that Merlin had to make the sacrifices here in having to wait? And what happens once everything is said and done? What happens if Arthur finds someone he's better suited for? Merlin's pretty sure that Morgana will be making sure that she's all over that plan! If only to keep Arthur away from him!

 

He felt anger again, towards their friends, for not even reaching out to speak with him, to stop by, to even ask him how he's been doing during this time. To even have a show of some empathy, some sympathy towards his situation. They had no problem supporting Arthur, why can't they show some support for him too?! And granted, he didn't return anyone's calls the night that they reached out to him before Arthur left for the 'resort.' Or after the bar incident, but they could have at least made an attempt! He could have died and no one would have known, or cared. With the exception of Will, Mithian, Sophia, and now Arthur, now that he actually came back like he gave a damn! And Arthur, he shouldn't have left in the first place! He only left to get away from him, and as soon as he returned, what did he do? He moved out. So much for his support!

 

He felt regret, regret towards Arthur, and in his handling of the situation. Granted, Merlin had no intentions of having a discussion with Arthur to tell him that he was leaving. He wouldn't have been able to leave if he did. And force would not have been necessary because his mind wasn't as set as it was at Dr. Monmouth's then, or as it was at the airport. It was easier not to speak with Arthur about his decision. It was much easier for Merlin to have a clean break. To remove the scab, and to flee. But maybe he could have left the note ahead of time. Or maybe he should have left the night before. He could have called Dr. Monmouth for that information instead of going to see him in the morning. And Dr. Monmouth, how could he have given Arthur that information? Why would he tell Arthur of his plans? He felt regret that Arthur felt that he betrayed him. Because that did seem like the expression Arthur had on his face. Merlin knows that Arthur loves him, but he sincerely thinks that Arthur will not choose him later if he doesn't _choose_ him now. Why would he when he's going to be dating all of these eligible men who don't have problems, who don't have a history of abuse, who don't have the excess baggage that Merlin has? Who in their right mind would choose him now after finding out the truth?! He's damaged goods, and no good for Arthur. Arthur deserved the best, the best... _is not him._

 

But Merlin, Merlin couldn't lie to himself and say that his decision was all for Arthur either. Because in reflection he'd have to admit that he was being a coward. A coward because he didn't want to stick around to hear that Arthur didn't want him anymore once he had time to process his feelings. Once he had time to think about what he wanted. Once he had time to _date._ Once he had the time to possibly sleep with someone _else_ , when he hasn't even slept with him! Merlin stopped his pacing, and went to the refrigerator for a beer before going back to the living room and plopping on the couch. He was still in Arthur's red Oxford hoodie and his dark blue jeans. Socks and sneakers long removed. He pulled himself in his safe position, knees to chin, arms securely wrapped around them as he took a sip of his beer. No, he couldn't lie. He didn't want to _watch_ it, and he didn't want to _wait_ for a decision. Because if Arthur couldn't  _guarantee_  what he was going to do once this was over, if he didn't choose him _now_ , what hope did Merlin have?

 

How did he expect for him to live like that? And it wouldn't be like he wouldn't be _seeing_ Arthur. Arthur would be _there_ to support him. He would be _there_ to take care of him. Merlin would be _seeing_ him everyday knowing that he couldn't _have him_. He'd be _watching_ those other blokes making passes on someone, who belonged to _him!_  On someone who _loved_ him. How was that fair? Merlin didn't think about it fully when he was so quick to shut Arthur up, agreeing with everything that Arthur said automatically. He did feel the jealousy go through him when Arthur mentioned he would _have_ to date other people--it prompted the kiss. He felt that, before he pushed the feeling away. He accepted it, he managed to shut Arthur up, and he managed to kiss him all in one go without really processing how any of those things would have been affecting _him._ Until he was alone to ponder on it. And boy...did he ponder it. And once he was done, he managed to talk himself right out of it everything, summarizing it up as being for Arthur's _own_ good. No wonder Arthur called it bullshit! Arthur knew him much better than he knew himself. Arthur may not have known his _reasons_ but he knew that he wasn't being _sincere_ with those _reasons_. And now...what was he supposed to do?

 

He felt defiance. Because Arthur may have his luggage but that didn't stop Merlin from leaving again. He already paid for his plane ticket, his flight arrangements were already made. He could arrange to take a later flight. His wallet was on him, as well as his passport information and credit cards, he could _buy_ a whole new wardrobe. He had enough money for it! He only sent some of his income to his mum, and Arthur _never_ accepted money from him for rent or utilities. Arthur wasn't even going to stop paying for Merlin now, even though he moved out. He was clear in his message of _supporting_ him—Arthur never left room for error when he knew what he wanted and made a decision. Merlin had enough, to start over. And he could leave again, before Arthur came back. But then he thought about Arthur's threat, and....Merlin groaned - and swallowed hard - before taking a huge gulp of his beer.

 

He felt resignation. Because he _couldn't_ leave again. Not without a solid plan for escape, and at least.. not now. Not while Arthur was expecting it—and Arthur _could_ use his resources to track Merlin down easily if he wanted to. He was well within his means to do so. He didn't always use his power or prestige, but it isn't like he hasn't before either. If Arthur wanted to find Merlin bad enough...he would.

 

It's not like Arthur is going to just turn around, and give in to Merlin's demands just because Merlin wants him to. He's not an idiot to think that. And if he doesn't have Arthur to himself long enough, _without_ outside influences, he probably won't give in to anything. He's pretty sure that Morgana has a say so in some of this. He's watched enough over the years to know that the siblings are very protective over each other. He doesn't know how far that goes, or exactly...why, but he knows that if Morgana has it in her head to keep Arthur away from him... If she sees Merlin as a threat - which she clearly does, or as someone that will hurt her brother, common sense says that she does - she will do everything in her power to protect him. And the fact of the matter is... he did hurt Arthur. And Merlin hasn't even begun to process the damage that he's done on that front. Not even the tip of the iceberg. He knows he's accepted all of the blame but he hasn't even taken the time to process what he _should be_ blamed for, or exactly how any of this _affected_ Arthur. Arthur's always so strong, he holds everything together. He holds _Merlin_ together. He can't imagine anything being able to tear Arthur down. Not to the depths of Morgana's description, and not to the way of their friends'. Arthur's never complained. He's always shouldered everything, he's always been there! Like an unstoppable force. He caught a glimpse... of something different, before Arthur left. He noticed something was off, before that. But then he came back and he looked strong again. And Arthur went back to looking after him again, like he's always done. And still... that unstoppable force. No, he doesn't even know if he wants to know the damage he's done on that front yet, because it might hurt him more to face it up close. It was almost... easier to run away than to deal with the fall out of it.

 

He just knows that if Arthur doesn't choose him now - when he knows exactly what his feelings are - the chances are that he'll change his mind if he waits to decide later. And then where would he be? Merlin shook his head and took another gulp of his beer. He didn't even realize that he finished it until he got to the last drop of it. He groaned, as he unfolded his arms and legs in order to rise and get another one.

 

**

 

Merlin heard the key entering the lock as he walked out of the kitchen. It didn't take but a second later before the door was opening - his luggage peaking in first, and then Arthur. He was actually surprised that Arthur would bring his luggage back. He didn't know if he would have ever seen it again. If Arthur's actions in the car and at the airport were an indication for Merlin to think that. He stood there, still, and waited for Arthur to notice him, as he watched Arthur walk down the hallway returning everything to his room. How he missed Merlin standing there? Merlin wasn't sure. Arthur must not be all there at the moment was his only conclusion.

 

When Arthur returned from Merlin's room he saw him, and froze. His eyes widened next as in recognition of Merlin's presence, he licked his lips, closed his eyes for a moment, and used his right hand and fingers to run it through his hair. And then he spoke, tone apologetic, humble. “I'm sorry -”

 

Merlin's eyes widened, but his tone showed no emotion in it when he interrupted Arthur to say, “I know that you are -”

 

Arthur shook his head, tone turning broken. “No, don't pass it off. I was _wrong_ , I had no right to try to stop you. No right to take that decision away from you. I just...” Arthur winced. “I just, I didn't know what else to do, but I was wrong, please...forgive me.”

 

“Arthur -” Merlin tried hesitantly.

 

Arthur shook his head again, tone still broken. “I was _wrong_ , I didn't take your past -”

 

Merlin flinched, Arthur caught the motion. Merlin doesn't want to be treated differently because of his past. He doesn't want to be handled with special care just because of his past treatments. Not from Arthur. Not when Arthur's never _had_ to do that for him in the past.

 

But Arthur needed to get this out. He felt like he _had_ to. “I should have taken it into consideration. I didn't think about how you would have felt. I lost control, but it was no excuse for my behavior.”

 

Merlin stilled, but he nodded. The gesture saying clearly that Arthur was forgiven.

 

Arthur nodded back. The tension was palpable between them. It has been from the moment that Arthur had that first anxiety attack in front of Merlin, before their confrontation, and before he left. Could they ever get back to the way that they were before? Arthur looked at the beer in Merlin's hand. “Could you,” Arthur used his right hand to gesture towards Merlin's beer, “not?”

 

Merlin raised his right brow, eyeing Arthur questionably.

 

Arthur looked at him, like he didn't know how to speak to him without saying the wrong thing. But tried again, tone strained. “We need to talk, Merlin.”

 

Merlin still looked at Arthur like he was off, like some alien from another planet, but he shook out of it for a moment, as if catching the meaning behind Arthur's words. Tone reassuring. “I can drink and still have a clear mind Arthur. I have a high tolerance, you know that.”

 

And Arthur does know that. And maybe that has something to do with Merlin's emotions too or his stubbornness, but it doesn't change the fact that they needed to have a serious discussion, and there needed to be no _excuses_ when they were finished. Arthur didn't think he could survive another one of Merlin's _attempts_ to flee. Arthur tried again, tone soft, but nervousness layered all through it. “I know, but we need to talk, and," Arthur gestured again towards the beer with his right hand. “I don't want another repeat of last night.” His tone turned strickened. “I can't _take_ , another repeat of last night.” That was as honest as Arthur was going to get in regards to the damage that would have been done to him if Merlin had gotten on that plane.

 

Merlin was surprised by that. But he understood. He turned around to carry the beer back to the refrigerator, grabbing two water bottles instead. By the time he returned the lights were on and Arthur was sitting on the couch waiting for him. Merlin swallowed. He walked – slowly – to settle on the couch. Passing Arthur a bottled water. He took it easily. They were both settled on opposite ends. Merlin didn't feel worthy at the moment to sit as close as he would normally, beside Arthur. He didn't know if he should, after...what he did.

 

Arthur grimaced, as if picking up on Merlin's reasons for sitting so far away. He didn't move either. It was obvious that they were at an impasse, and had no idea of how to get past it. At least, not without opening up some old and new wounds in the process.

 

Merlin didn't like opening up wounds.

 

Arthur closed his eyes for a moment. His breathing, even. He sat back on the couch, and started, tone beseeching. “Why did you leave?”

 

Merlin went to his stock answer automatically. “I did it for you.”

 

Arthur opened his eyes and turned to where Merlin was seated on his left. His eyes watered. “I don't believe that.”

 

Merlin's expression hardened, his eyes darkened. “Believe it or not, it's my answer.” Merlin didn't want to answer that question. Why would he want to? Why would he put himself out there like that?

 

“Merlin,” Arthur's tone turned to a man that sounded broken.

 

Merlin shook his head, “no, no Arthur, you asked me why I left, and I answered you.”

 

Arthur shook his head. “But your not telling me the truth. How can we get past anything if your not honest with me?”

 

“Like you've been honest with me?” Merlin deflected.

 

It was classic Merlin.

 

Arthur groaned, tone patient, but losing it. Because dammit, getting a straight answer out of Merlin was as hard as finding a needle in a haystack! When it was something that he didn't want to share. Something they both knew that he _needed_ to share! “Merlin, how are we going to get past anything if you don't _tell me_ why? I can't even _begin_ to know what to say next that won't make you run for the hills in the morning! You told me everything was fine last night. You said that you would allow me to support you, that you would allow me to do what I needed to do to get better, you practically _dared_ me to do it!” Arthur used his left hand to run his hand and fingers through his hair, his water still in his right hand. He shook his head again, tone grieved. “You _dared_ me to do it, you said everything was going to be fine, you even... you even kissed me, and then--this morning...” Arthur shook his head again, he swallowed, “this morning you left me a note like you were going to see me later only for me to find half of your possessions gone, and that you had plans to take the next flight out of the country. What do you expect me to think?! What do you expect me to believe? Do you honestly think I'd believe that you did all of that for me?!” Arthur shook his head again, looking at Merlin in disbelief.

 

Merlin swallowed –hard. He leaned forward to put his water bottle on the coffee table. And sat back in his seat, he folded his arms to his chest. Tone hard, when he responded. “I had a change of heart.”

 

Arthur gasped. And looked at Merlin with an expression that clearly said, _“really...”_ before saying what he _really_ thought, “You think?” Arthur shook his head. And breathed in deeply before adding more, tone exasperated. “Like I didn't gather that one for myself when I saw you _trying_ to run away from me. I may be blond but I'm not dense Merlin.”

 

Merlin tensed. He didn't want to have this discussion. He didn't _want_ to face Arthur. Arthur didn't understand. Well... maybe he did. But Merlin didn't want to talk about it! He went to his next stock answer. “I didn't want you to support me, to help me, out of obligation.”

 

Arthur expression turned from exasperated to disappointed. He didn't know what to say. He was trying to keep it together. Trying to rationalize things in his mind, to _understand_. He can't get to any conclusions unless Merlin fills in some of the blanks, and Merlin's refusing to fill in the blanks! He tried again, tone imploring, “Merlin, when have I ever done anything for you out of obligation?” Arthur didn't wait for a response. “I've done nothing but support you from the moment we've met. I've tried...” Arthur swallowed, before leaning forward himself and putting his water bottle on the coffee table unopened, before he turned to face Merlin head on. “I've tried to do nothing but be there for you, and it's never been out of _obligation_. It was always out of friendship first, and love second. And I wouldn't be your friend if I wanted to stand by and watch you fall apart. I wouldn't _love you,_ if I was going to leave you to your own devices _alone._ How could I stand by and _watch?_ That's not obligation, Merlin. Not in the form where someone feels that they have to do something out of duty.” Arthur said 'duty' like it was a bad word, before continuing. “It was never a _duty_ with you, Merlin. It isn't one now. And I know that you know that too, I don't think you could possibly believe that, not in your heart, so... please...” Arthur voice ended softly, but the plead was clear, his eyes matching the tone.

 

Merlin eyes watered slightly at that. He knew that. It wasn't the problem. But it was _easier_ to rationalize that than to _face_ his actual problem. Merlin never unfolded his arms from his chest. It was a gesture of defense, of being closed off. He didn't have anymore stock answers left though because Arthur dismantled and disarmed them. He settled for one of his truths. Tone soft. “I don't _want_ you to date other people.”

 

That didn't surprise Arthur as much as he thought it would. But he tried, to respond in a question. “Even if it was for my own recovery?”

 

Merlin raised his right brow then, he frowned. “How is _dating_ other people going to help your recovery, exactly?”

 

Arthur raised his right brow too. He turned in his seat, taking off his shoes and lifting his legs to sit comfortably beneath him to face Merlin better on the couch. He folded his hands above his thighs, and leaned his left side into the couch to get an even better look at Merlin. His tone turned curious, his expression open, because he really wanted to know. “Do you understand anything about my condition, Merlin?

 

No, Merlin didn't, but he wasn't going to tell Arthur that. “You suffer from depression, Arthur.”

 

“And do you know why?” Arthur wasn't going to settle for that answer.

 

Truth be told. Merlin didn't know the details surrounding Arthur's depression. He was too busy focusing on how to stop Arthur from  _leaving_ him - and on focusing on how to _keep_ Arthur, and focusing on _getting better to keep Arthur -_ thanto focus on anything surrounding Arthur's depression. He knows that Arthur told him that he was a mess, and about how bad he had gotten. But Merlin didn't even focus on the _details_ of that part of their conversation because it was shrouded by the fact that Arthur _was leaving_ if Merlin didn't _stop_ him. All other thoughts were out the window with the exception of that fact, and Merlin's explanation of why he acted the way that he did towards Arthur! And of Arthur's knowing that he would have said _yes_ , and that he did in fact... _love him_. It may have been selfish, but it was the truth! He knows that he's being blamed for it, he knows that Arthur had a 'breakdown,' he knows that Morgana told him that he keeps thinking it's all about him, and Gwaine told him to put himself in Arthur's shoes for a moment. He knows that Arthur was depressed but, truth be told...he didn't think about why Arthur got sick, especially since he didn't realize that he was _getting sick_ to _begin with._ He only saw the signs in the end and by then... _it was too late._ Merlin swallowed.

 

Arthur looked at Merlin like he was able to see inside of Merlin's very soul while being able to read all of Merlin's thoughts as they processed through his brain. And he didn't look surprised by Merlin's conclusion either. Maybe just a tad bit disappointed.

 

Arthur nodded, like he just received an answer to his question from Merlin even though Merlin didn't/couldn't actually say/answer anything. And Arthur _wasn't_ surprised by the conclusion because Merlin hasn't taken the time to figure him out, and to learn about him like Arthur has taken the time to figure Merlin out and to learn about him. The only missing piece was Merlin's past, and him blocking off his emotions. It was something he couldn't have known about. Merlin hid those things from himself, how was anyone else going to see it? Where Arthur's business was out and on the street, people _did_ know about him, and Arthur's emotions were _not_ blocked out from Merlin. He tried to hide it, to not make Merlin feel guilty – responsible even – but he couldn't hide the obvious. He didn't have Leon or Morgana living with them to help him keep up _pretenses_ all of the time at home. It was _there_ , and Merlin didn't _see it_. Just like he doesn't see it _now_. No, it wasn't a surprise, maybe a little _disappointing_. Arthur swallowed, he shook his head internally because it didn't give him much comfort in Merlin's feelings for him at the moment either. But he does know that Merlin loves him – they've been friends for thirteen years - he just doesn't know if he _loves him_ like he _says he does_. If Merlin's ever taken the time to really process that thought either, or has he rationalized that thought in his mind and decided to stick with it like he rationalized whatever was in his mind for his reasons for leaving? Because he can't possibly know Arthur well enough to love him like he claims if he can't see his pain that _is_ out in the open _to see._ Even now, with all of his emotions in tack! Even Arthur can see Merlin's pain – now that Merlin has no choice but to let his emotions loose, even though he's still trying to hide it for the most part - and he saw what Merlin allowed him to see before that, the emotions that he _didn't block_ away in the recesses of his own mind. He saw it before he left – and he sees it now - without Merlin _having to spell it out_ for him. He just can't respond to all of it, in the way that Merlin wants him to right now, without _losing_ himself in the process. He knows that Merlin wants _all of him_. Heart, body, and soul. And technically, _he has it_. But...Arthur would lose himself if he rushed into any of that right now. He would not be able to survive if he gave himself completely over to Merlin now, and everything went south. He needs to see to that part of his health first. So...instead, he's trying to give to Merlin everything that he _can_ actually give _without_ completely destroying himself in the process. He even explained that it was for his own recovery too, and that he wanted them both to get healthy again. But he didn't put aside Merlin's _other_ needs. He continued to put those needs first, before his own. Even though technically, he should be far away from Merlin right now, and he feels it too. It hurts. But now...here he is...

And did those thoughts hurt to expound upon. Arthur swallowed again, his eyes watered, and his chest tightened. Arthur spared Merlin in coming up with an answer to the question that he had no answer for. When he continued, his tone was hoarse. “I have a depression that's based on having a love, unrequited--” Arthur held up his hand on Merlin's immediate protest to that fact.

 

Merlin's eyes watered, but he stopped.

 

“--My depression, is based on being in love for seven years to a person that's never loved me back.” And Arthur had to close his eyes while shaking his head then. His tone was still hoarse next, but it was almost like he was laughing painfully at himself. His expression, grieved. “It was by my own stupidity. To want... to wait... to try, and to stay, to just give – signs - instead of saying how I felt outright. Even though I tried, several times over the years mind -"

 

Merlin swallowed hard.

 

“--I tried to tell you, I tried to do _everything_. I just didn't want you to choose me because you were doing it out of our friendship, or because you didn't want to hurt my feelings, or out of some _twisted_ obligation because you didn't know how to say 'no' to me. And then...” Arthur's voice turned broken. “Then... all of those... _men_ , and I didn't see where or how I would get a chance to tell you -"

 

A tear fell from Merlin's right eye, his left eye following suit.

 

“--every _sign_ , every new _boyfriend_ , every _attempt_ that I did felt like a _rejection_. It was fine, in the beginning. I always felt like I had... time... like you would come around. Like you would see me as someone that would be like one of those men. That you would see that I was better than them, because I _am_ better than them. I would have treated you so much better, I would have loved you so much better. I was already doing it!” Arthur shook his head, he was crying too but he didn't notice it until he unfolded his hands that were resting on his thighs and raised his right hand to rub his face. He wiped the tears then, before rubbing his hand on his black Armani dress trousers.

 

Merlin chest was hurting just listening. He didn't want to listen, but he knew that he had to. This was a part of Arthur that he didn't know. That he ignored knowing. A part of Arthur that he somehow didn't want to know because he had everything sorted in his mind, and this part of Arthur, wasn't included in it. And how could he understand if he didn't know all of Arthur? There was so much that he didn't know about his friend. And that really tells Merlin just what kind of friend he _actually_ was over the years if he wasn't _there_ for his supposed best friend. Who did Arthur turn to when he didn't have Merlin? When Arthur was always there for Merlin in return while holding back his own grief the entire time? 

 

Arthur's voice was full of emotion as he continued, but it was _painful_ , and he was still laughing at himself because it's obvious he took the blame for everything as he started to talk about it now. “I _kept_ waiting. And somewhere down the line, I started getting _sick_. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, and my mind never stopped thinking about you. It wasn't about my best friend then. It was about my love for you, and how I wanted... I _wanted_ you so much... and I couldn't... have...you. And you never knew.” Arthur shook his head. “I couldn't...do that...to you. It wasn't your fault that I was falling apart! It wasn't your fault that you couldn't see! Even though I did everything in my power aside from _telling_ you and presenting myself in a bow to give to you. It still wasn't your fault, because I was the one who couldn't find a way to tell you!” Arthur groaned. “Morgana wanted me to get help, she wanted me to _tell_ you, to leave, but I _couldn't_. You were _still_ my best friend. If I left what would it have told you? You were _depending on me_ to be your best friend. And I was the idiot that stood by, a glutton for punishment, a masochist always coming back for more. Our friends, everyone, they got really active on trying to provide you hints too then. They kept feeling sorry for me. Like I was going to fall apart right before them or jump off the nearest bridge for some peace of mind.” Arthur covered both hands over his face then too, he choked out what he said next. “I thought about it. I thought about more than what I let on, more than I ever admitted to. I didn't _want_ to scare anybody. I didn't want to worry Morgana. My _aunt._..” Arthur sucked in a breath.

 

Merlin held his. He doesn't know much about their aunt, he only knows that she died shortly before he and Arthur met. Arthur and Morgana kept that secret, _if_ it was a secret, close to their heart. He does know that they loved their aunt passionately and never had a bad word to say about her. Merlin doesn't know what to say. Arthur has heard from him about his past – even early on – from what Merlin was willing to share, he encouraged it, but Merlin's never taken the time to learn about Arthur's nor did he encourage it in return. He was just there for him. And now... 

 

Arthur's hands were still covering his face. Like he was _ashamed_ of being seen while he spoke. His tone, still hoarse, changed from painfully laughing at himself to painfully hysterical. “I always thought... in my mind... that as long as you never fell in love with one of those men, that I still had a chance. That there was _still_ an opportunity for you to see me, for you to notice _me_ , but then you met Robert. And with that... my last hope was gone -"

 

“Arthur -” Merlin was going to try and interject then because Robert wasn't what Arthur thought he was, but Arthur pulled his hands from his face remarkably fast and his face was red, tears falling quickly, and he was starting to have trouble breathing. Merlin swallowed hard, and his tears started to fall freely too. He didn't interrupt again, but Arthur has to see...

 

Arthur read in Merlin's expression somehow that he wasn't going to interrupt him, he probably read the rest too, but he wasn't finished. “--He came into your life. You spent... all of your time with him. He _was..._ special...to you. You did more with him than you did with anyone else that you've _ever_ dated. At least... from what I've seen. And that day, that day that he proposed, you said... that you would _think_ about it. You didn't say _no_ , you said you would think about.” Arthur swallowed, and shook his head even though it was still covered by his hands. “He meant _something_ to you. And... when I asked you, you said that you didn't love him like that. You didn't say that you didn't love him at all. There was _love_ there Merlin. So the thought of you not loving anyone was gone. You did, and you were quite capable of it too. You just weren't capable of... loving... me. Your reasons for not leaving that you gave me, were based more on the fact that you didn't want to leave everything behind. Your friends, your family, your work. It wasn't based on you not wanting to be with Robert. That was your response.”

 

Merlin didn't know what to say. Because that was true. He just never realized it until now. He didn't love Robert enough though, but there was some emotion that got through. It wasn't _enough_ for him to leave everything behind. It wasn't enough to leave _Arthur_ behind, but it was obviously enough to break Arthur's heart. Merlin chest started to hurt. And there was nothing that Merlin could say or do to change Arthur's mind on the subject of Robert, he could see that. Because, apparently, Arthur's been studying Merlin for a long time now, and he knows Merlin better than Merlin knows himself. And that seems to include now too. Merlin could only take his hands to wipe the tears from his eyes as he continued to listen.

 

Arthur continued, grief stricken, tone hoarse, broken, “I spent more nights at Morgana's then. You didn't notice, or maybe you did. I'd leave you notes, or I'd send you a text, but I couldn't stay home as much then. And after Robert left... you started dating - a lot - more men than you'd _ever_ done before. You were... _busy_. And there was definitely no time in the midst of that busyness for me to tell my best friend that I was in love with him. Especially if he didn't know it before. My depression was harder to hide then. I left work more frequently. But Morgana and Leon were able to cover me where father was concerned. As long as I managed to keep up _pretenses_. As long as I stayed _happy_ for him... And it was so... _hard_... because I _love my father_. He should _know_ what's going on with me, but I couldn't....” Arthur groaned, shaking his head again under his hands.

 

Merlin doesn't know about this either. He doesn't have a clue! He does know that Uther loves his children dearly, and would do anything for him. He does know that Uther didn't like him being around Arthur as much, though he didn't know why. He also knows of Morgana and Arthur's tongue-in-cheek phrase that they use of 'fix it' and that's one phrase he _doesn't_ know the meaning of. But when they say it, it's not something that their joking about, like it has a hidden meaning, and there is real fear there between the siblings. Merlin never took too much time to think it out. Especially because he repelled against thinking of anything too painful, and it was obvious that this _was_ something that was too painful. And now, with all of his emotions in check, he could see clearly that there was more to the story. He just doesn't know if he _wants to hear it_ , he doesn't even know if Arthur wants to tell it. He wanted to reach out to Arthur, to hold him. And to never let him go. But he didn't think it would be right at the moment. And he didn't think he was worthy of it right now either. 

 

“I had to keep up pretenses. I had to stay strong, for as _long_ as I could. I had to find some way to get _over_ you... but I _couldn't_. Not when I saw you so much, not when I _lived_ with you. Not when you didn't know, and you continued to be my best friend always making yourself available to be with me in between all of your dates or your one offs! I didn't have a break. And it wasn't your fault. I just couldn't tell you! Morgana was going crazy. All of our friends were making me eat, the food would taste spoiled, it tasted like mud, it tasted like anything but food. But I couldn't drop but so much weight before my father would inquire about my health. Clothing could only cover but so much. And it's not like I was trying to alarm anyone, I just couldn't eat! I only slept when Morgana would force me to, or if I passed out. She even got a friend of her's to prescribe me sleep medication. I know now it was Nimueh, and she was talking to her because I refused to go and see a therapist. Would could I tell them exactly? That I was in love with my best friend, and I didn't know how to live without him so I'm this stupid _idiot_ that doesn't know how to stay away, taking the scraps that fell from the table instead because that was the only part that I was ever going to get from him?!” Arthur choked out a painful laugh.

 

Merlin was at a loss. He didn't know what to say. There was nothing - that could be said - to make anything about this situation better. And he has the feeling – based on Arthur's difficulty in presenting the information – that he hasn't shared all of this with anyone before. Not even Morgana. Like he couldn't/wouldn't share it. Like he kept the burden on his heart so no one else had to feel it too. So no one else had to worry about him. So no one would feel sorry about him, or think that he needed more help than he already did. Apparently Morgana saw it anyway. If her attitude and over-protectiveness were anything to go by. But Merlin didn't see it though. He felt ashamed.

 

Arthur went unaware of Merlin's inner thoughts, his tone broken, hollow. “And then, that night... in the bar, after thanksgiving. When Gwaine... when he told you if you paid more attention you might find the person that you wanted right within your reach -"

 

Merlin winced, and grimaced. He remembered that conversation. And now...he remembers Arthur's _abrupt_ exit. He didn't have to remember though, because apparently, Arthur planned to enlighten him.

 

“--You said that you do pay attention, and that...no one within your reach was the one for you. That's when I finally got my answer. I finally got my answer for all of my signs, for _everything_ , and I realized... If I didn't get out then...that I wouldn't be able to. I already gave up, but I was still holding on to a thread then. That night, cemented any other assumptions, hopes, dreams, or what if's that I could have possibly had left to ponder. It was clear, that you would never want me. And I felt I lost everything all at once, my best friend and the love of my life. All in one go.”

 

Merlin felt like an ass as he listened on. Because the things that Arthur is talking about should have been obvious, for someone who paid attention, for a friend that paid attention. And he always thought that he paid attention to Arthur. He gave his available time to him. Sure he got closed-minded, sure he had his own objectives, but...this? And somehow...he missed it.

 

“I lost my best friend, because you couldn't even see how much pain I was in. You never even stopped to _consider_ why I wasn't home as I often. Why I withdrew from everyone. Why I would cook for you yet – never - eat myself. You never even thought to ask why I watched the telly all night instead of sleeping, or why I stayed home more from work more often. Or why I didn't even come home at all! And then... all of a sudden you took an _active_ approach, to _force_ me into telling you what the hell was going on! And I... _panicked_. I couldn't tell you what was going on without telling you the truth. And how could I have possibly told you the truth without telling you _everything_?! And what kind of fool what I look like then?! You didn't even _want_ me! I couldn't take anymore than what I was already dealing with - and I could barely take that - and I couldn't take you _browbeating_ me for an answer too! And you didn't even care before then! You just wanted to know because - all of a sudden - you starting getting some breaks in between your relationships to notice!”

 

Merlin flinched, because he deserved that resentment. He did. But he didn't know what to say, and the last time he was about to interrupt Arthur stopped him. Merlin was pretty sure that it was hard enough for Arthur to talk about this without interruption. He waited.

 

Arthur continued on unaware of anything that Merlin was thinking about because he couldn't even look at him. He was too ashamed to. He was too ashamed to be in his own skin at the moment, but the words of everything decided to roll of his tongue, unintended, and completely unbidden. But...now that he started, he couldn't finish until he said it all. Arthur hand's continued to cover his face, he hiccuped, and shook his head. When he spoke again he spoke like a man that lost it all. Who came to the point of the pit of his despair. “And then, when I finally made up my mind, when I finally knew what I had to do, when I finally gave _up_...then...all of a sudden...you...turned around and said that you _loved_ me. When I was finally going to get help. You _tried_ to get me to stay. You told me _everything_ , and it made...sense. I finally had a reason for why you never noticed me in that way. But the damage was already done. It wasn't your fault. And on top of that, your condition covered everything aside from how you lacked being a best friend, or...even a friend at all...for that matter. It was nice to have a reason, but...” Arthur shook his head, and used his fingers and hands to wipe his face as much as he could before he lowered them. He face was still wet, lips plump from biting, complexion, still red – including his eyes and nose, puffy even. He eyes looked like a man who lost everything.

 

Merlin thinks Arthur's under the impression that he's lost _him_. And Merlin couldn't hold back now, he didn't care if he was _worthy_ or not, he only saw that his friend was broken, and he did the only thing that he could think of doing. He moved across the sofa at lightning speed and he pulled Arthur into a tight embrace. It startled Arthur. He tried to pull back, but it was a weak effort, and Merlin was _stronger_ at the moment. It forced Arthur to give in to the hug. To be comforted. He hiccuped again, his breath hitched, and then...he wept.

 

“I'm so sorry,” Merlin said, hoarse, tone just as broken, tears falling, as he rocked with Arthur into the hug.

 

Arthur shook his head. “I didn't tell you for you to feel guilty. I told you, because you had the _right_ to know.”

 

Merlin shook his head, and he kissed the top of Arthur's head. Arthur head was nestled under his chin. Their arms, wrapped around each other. “I _love_ you. It was your love for _me_ that made you sick. Unintentionally, whether it was from my disorder or not that I didn't notice, it _was_ my fault.” Merlin swallowed. “I'm _so_ sorry.”

 

Arthur shook his head to disagree, Merlin only pulled him even tighter towards him and shushed him. They _wept_ together.

 

It was going to be a long night. Because they weren't done.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A penny for your thoughts.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to start off by thanking you all for sending in such wonderful reviews. It really encouraged me, and gave me a big inspiration boost. And it always encourages me to get these chapters posted quickly - daily even - depending on the word count, giving me that push to go the extra mile. I love reading your thoughts and perspectives on this story!
> 
> This chapter is another monster sized chapter - it counts as two chapters - it could even go for three, and it is unbeta'd. I read through it several times but it doesn't mean that mistakes weren't made. If you see it please feel free to tell me, and I will make the necessary adjustments to correct it.
> 
> There are no warnings for this chapter.
> 
> I also need to let you know that I will have to take a three to possibly four day break. I have to update the next chapter in my other story, and I have two prompts that need to be completed. I might still manage to update another chapter in there before the time but I wanted to give you all a heads up. This chapter is very long though so I hope that it compensates for the delay somehow. And there are no cliffhangers in this chapter either, I thought that might be cruel. There is however, a lot of progress for Merlin and Arthur in this chapter. With that being said, I hope you enjoy it!

 

They wept together, until Arthur eventually passed out from exhaustion in Merlin's arms. Merlin continued to hold on to him tightly, rocking gently with him, and periodically kissing the top of Arthur's head. With everything that's happened Merlin seriously doubted that Arthur's gotten enough rest. His eyes didn't bespeak that of a man who did. Merlin should know. He suffered from nightmares. And apparently, Arthur suffered from the love of him. Because, having a depression based on an unrequited love was just a fancy way of saying the same thing. And Merlin thought about it. All of those times that Arthur cooked for him throughout the years. He couldn't think of a total, they've lived together for so long there isn't even an estimated tally. But thinking of the recent years, he didn't even _consider_ that Arthur hadn't eaten. Well...not long enough for him to question it that is. Something would always come up that would side-track him from saying anything. But he couldn't _honestly_ say that the thought of Arthur, _not eating_ as much in front of him, hadn't occured to him at all. And what he really didn't _want_ to say was that he let the thoughts pass over instead. Because those other miscellaneous things continued to happen to allow him to _be_ side-tracked. So instead, he relied on his assumptions that Arthur had already eaten, or that he had somewhere to be where he would eat, or that he had a big meal previously. Never did he question Arthur himself, for his reasons for not eating with him or in his presence. Arthur was the strong one. Arthur _could_ take care of himself. There wasn't a need for Merlin to get involved because as long as Arthur took control _everything_ was safe. And in that respect, Merlin didn't mind giving that part of his control to Arthur because Arthur, made him feel secure. Their little safe haven was safe. And Merlin was happy in his neat little world. While apparently not having a _clue_ that his neat little world was falling apart right before his very eyes while he failed to see it for what it was. While he ignored _all_ of the signs!

 

Merlin decided if he was really going to think about this he was going to have to take Dr. Monmouth's tips in processing his thoughts. Because this was going to hurt to think about, and it wasn't something he was going to be able to suppress any longer. First of all because he couldn't lock it away any longer – that ability was stripped away with the burst of emotions and memories that replaced it – it would take years to change back to the way that he was again, and second, because Arthur deserved better than that. Especially if he loves Arthur the way that he says he does. The way that he _knows_ he does. He needed to put Arthur's words with his memories to actually process it. He had to accept what was done, and how it applied to him. Basically, in this respect he had to face it, come to terms with it, survey the damage, and find a way to make amends _if possible_. Merlin is aware that he won't be able to repair all of the damage he has done. He always understood that, that's would made it even more difficult to face, and easier to hide away from. But Arthur's confession only confirmed just how much he _wouldn't_ be able to repair. This was the part of his recovery that Merlin disliked the most. It wasn't easy for Merlin to see how his _own_ actions affected others, or how he hurt them. Especially while he was dealing with how he _himself_ , was traumatized at the same time in the past. While he was being forced to relive those memories. It doesn't really excuse his actions though. Merlin couldn't even give himself a free pass on this one. That would be like saying whatever happened to Balinor gave him the right to abuse Merlin and _not_ feel sorry for it. Or that Balinor didn't _deserve_ to be punished, or even prosecuted for physically and verbally abusing his son for years. All due to Balinor being depressed from having Parkinson's disease and being unable to work. That would mean Balinor would have been _excused_ of his actions due to the things that happened to him that lead him to that point.

 

Or, Merlin could go one further and think about the bullies. Bullies are bullies for a reason. They don't go off having their kicks on torturing the people they assume as weaker than them for nothing. Well...maybe some of them do. Because some bullies do bully others for power, but there are also...more complex reasons as well. Some do it because of their need for control, because they fear they lack it and need to exert themselves by dominating others. Some people bully because they find they are rewarded for their horrid behavior. While other bullies do it because they can't find an avenue to channel their anger and frustration to so - instead - they channel it by abusing others. But what do studies show as the primary reason for why people bully others? It shows that bullies are heavily influenced by their family backgrounds. And some cases studies show that bullies are often bullied by their own parents, family, or that those same bullies have self-esteem issues themselves, and they cover it by bullying someone they think is less than them to make themselves feel better, or to take the attention _away_ from them. These things are not consciously in the minds of the bullies when they attack their targets, not for the most part. Researches have found this information and have run clinical studies on bullies to understand why they act the way that they do. Which means, many of those same bullies are not consciously aware that there are _real reasons_ as to why they act or _react_ the way that they do to others. Does it excuse them?

 

Should their actions be excused because of what brought them to that point to bully others? Should Balinor's? Merlin didn't think so, they still affected someone else's life. They still played a role in damaging someone else by their actions. They still affected _his_ life, and now _this_ is the result of it. Merlin understood that he may not have consciously been aware of everything that he had done, but it didn't leave him any less blameless for some of his actions. And though his illness played a part, he couldn't deny that some of that was him too not paying attention, and being caught up in his own life. So should he be blameless in all of this? Merlin didn't think it was possible to be. And especially not after hearing about all of the damage that was done, and seeing it clearly how he missed it now, knowing that all of it wasn't his illness. And even if it was, it would be no excuse not to accept some of the blame for the damage, and no excuse for him not to _attempt_ to make amends. Otherwise, he would be no better than Balinor or the bullies, who allowed their past and present to dictate how they treated others around them. How they treated _him_.

 

Merlin thought about Arthur's weight loss. He made it a point never to really stare hard at Arthur's hard body-- especially since he was attracted to him since the first day that they met. It was something that he'd set in his mind to do when Arthur was straight. It was because Arthur _always_ had a nice body, and was extremely fit due to playing sports, jogging/running, and working out. His body, was _definitely,_ hard for Merlin to miss. And being young boys who are best mates, you tend to place yourselves in situations where you get a see a lot _more_...of each other than what would be acceptable as adults now. Not that they'd ever changed from that. They've been friends for thirteen years! But still...watching Arthur's body would only spark desire, lust, and then a pure _need_ of want. Merlin always stopped at that point for fear that his thoughts would come to the surface in his expression, something he learned early on to manage. (Though it seems that Arthur managed to break through some of that line of his defense just fine, if he's able to read most of Merlin's _thoughts_ now.)

 

He couldn't afford to show weakness. He couldn't afford to make himself a target. He didn't _want_ to be considered different like he wasn't good enough, or like he'd never measure up. And he definitely did not want Arthur to feel the need to change his routines because of Merlin's 'sensitiveness' of seeing his body or getting too close. So what could he do? Because he was already doing it, it didn't hurt to strengthen it where Arthur was concerned. He'd already learned to control his expressions, to not display emotions that would show hurt or fear or anything that he considered as too painful. His main reason for doing this started with his father, to protect himself from being a target. His secondary reason, to protect himself from the bullies and the snobs. Those types of expressions were like cutting yourself and bleeding in front of a vampire, being an idiot for not expecting someone to attack. Because bullies _swarmed_ to those who suffered and to those who feared. They're drawn to them like a beacon. It's easier to leave a mark on their victims, leaving their example for others in that way. And thirdly, he did it to protect himself from Arthur. They spent all of their free time together. Arthur was as close to Merlin as any boyfriend was, possibly closer. Except for the fact that they _weren't_ boyfriends! They did everything together with the exception of exploring any romantic feelings, kissing, excessive touching, or having sexual contact. If Arthur picked up on _anything_ , Merlin could _have lost_ their friendship. Arthur _would_ treat him differently, he would have _distanced_ himself from Merlin, he wouldn't have been Merlin's comforter anymore. He wouldn't be Merlin's best friend. Those things _far_ outweighed any desires that Merlin could have had for Arthur in those moments every time.

 

So he schooled his expressions. He added another notch of security by suppressing any desires that he had for Arthur too. Because Arthur was more important than any thoughts, desires, or feelings he may have had for him. He restrained it all, he controlled it, and now...it is something that is more unconsciously done than it is by choice. He's learned to protect himself first. To look out for himself first. To secure himself first. To set up his lines of defense. To not open himself up for an attack. How else was he going to survive? He even had it categorized in his own mind from what was dangerous, what was to be considered to be handled with caution, and what was to be considered as an unknown. If it was an unknown, and it couldn't be decided upon quick enough where those feelings should be placed, it tended to bounce back into caution and sometimes safe - depending on what it was. Merlin's thoughts for Arthur..his romantic feelings for him when he felt them before, were unknown, and bordered on explosive because it wasn't something that he could control. It was too strong. The friendship side of their relationship was much safer. And his safe zones were _still_ Arthur – in a platonic way. And so was his work, his friends, his family – as long as they didn't talk about the past, and everything else that he could have control over was part of it too. If he couldn't control it, to protect himself, he tended to let it go. But now, his defense mechanisms seem to be doing the opposite effect. Because he wants to be seen – just a little bit, and he needs to be believed, but he's not.

 

It didn't mean those thoughts and feelings never came his way when they were younger though, it does mean that he dismissed them when they were younger. And it was only those stronger situations that stood out because Arthur managed to break through Merlin's carefully placed barriers. It was difficult because Arthur never treated Merlin any differently for being gay. He treated him like he treated Gwaine, Lance, and the rest of their friends. And those male friends were sports fanatics, they were use to changing clothes in front of each other or stripping with ease. Of course Merlin wouldn't say that he was 'uncomfortable'. Because that would be a lie in huge form. Of course Merlin didn't say that he didn't 'appreciate the view', because that would have been a lie too. So how did Merlin survive all of this, without letting on to anyone? He desensitised himself first. He was already blocking out feelings, this was just a little bit more. He could not afford to lose his best friend. Arthur was everything to him. He was his force of nature, he was unstoppable, his knight in shining armour, and his comfort zone. He could _not_ lose him. And making a pass at him, getting hard in front of him, showing desire/lust/want in his eyes – in his expression, would definitely push to that undesired outcome of losing Arthur. He had no reason to believe that Arthur would have taken kindly to that sort of advancement. So that meant Merlin, _not_ looking at Arthur's body. And he never veered from that, even when Arthur came out as bi-sexual. And if he did...it was never more than a glance. He focused on Arthur's face.

 

But if Arthur lost that much weight...Merlin managed to miss it there too. Because it wouldn't have been long before it would have reflected there too. And Arthur was talking years of fighting it. But Arthur's body, Merlin only saw the signs of that on that one night – a month before his and Arthur's first confrontation - that he went into Arthur's room to check on him. It wasn't like he _never_ checked to see if Arthur was awake before, but this time, he actually paid attention because they hadn't spent as much time together recently, and Merlin was finally starting to notice. He came in to Arthur's sheets pushed down to his hips. And that, was the night Merlin _noticed_ the weight-loss, and noticed that Arthur was no longer at an acceptable weight. And it wasn't something that could be ignored. Unfortunately...it was years too late to notice. Merlin swallowed.

 

The men. _All of those men_ , as Arthur pointed out, never did it for Merlin. The feelings were temporary. A coping mechanism in it's own right. Merlin has learned years ago how to gain his pleasures from men, how to release any frustration, and any...tension. It helped him while suppressing any feelings that he needed to keep at bay because the energy, had to be directed somewhere. He never took into consideration that Arthur might possibly feel uncomfortable by having all of those men in their flat. Arthur never voiced that he _was_ uncomfortable with it. Nevertheless, Merlin never took into account that Arthur wasn't always _there_ come morning either. He always dismissed the fact that Arthur spent so much time at Morgana's. Just like he dismissed the subtle and not so subtle hints that came his way about having the 'right man' right under his nose and him not even _knowing_ what to do with it! He never took the time to consider that the 'right man' was Arthur when they'd say that. Merlin was normally complaining about himself at the time. And Arthur _sat through_ those conversations, sat through those hints, and sat through Merlin's rejections of it all... _of him_...throughout the years. Conversations that would make Arthur think that he wasn't the right one for him, that he wasn't good enough for him, when that couldn't have been more far from the truth. Merlin weighed out those options years ago, and decided that Arthur's friendship took precedent over any unwanted feelings that he could have had for his best friend. Their friendship was the most stable thing in Merlin's life, and Merlin would have been damned if he was going to lose it! He would have done anything, given up anything to keep that friendship, to keep Arthur in his life. Especially if he thought all that they had was being threatened! And now... _and now_ , those same defense mechanisms are being used against _him_ , because he may very well lose Arthur by the time this is through anyway. And it would be because of how he's _defended_ himself – _protected himself_ – from getting his own feelings hurt, from feeling that intense level of pain. His illness played a part, but it didn't play the entire part, and Merlin would be lying to himself if he said that it did. Merlin sighed. He was all cried out at the moment but he knew he _would have_ cried again if he wasn't. It was all too painful to think through again. But he had to fight it. Having Arthur in his arms reminded him of the reason why, he kissed Arthur on the top of his head, still holding him to tightly, and tried again.

 

He should have seen it. Arthur was right. He was perfectly capable of picking up on when he was being hit on by other men. He knew how long it would take to take someone to bed, and knew exactly what it took to keep them there...if...he wanted to. And Arthur pulled out every sign and hint in the book, presented it to him, along with gifts, and Merlin never saw it because it was from him. Like Arthur was far above those other men. And that's the point, because he was/is. Because Arthur _was/is_ far above all of those other men. Arthur could _never_ be held in comparison to them and what Merlin did with them, not like Arthur was comparing himself to them only a few hours ago. No...those men didn't hold a candle to Arthur. And Merlin, Merlin didn't see it because Arthur was already placed in a category of friend and precious. Like a valued treasure, a prized possession that you didn't want to tarnish. And in Merlin's mind, he placed Arthur on a mantle for safe-keeping. Because Arthur was something that Merlin didn't _want_ to destroy. Like he'd destroyed so many other things in his life. And Merlin's path with men was cataclysmal. Arthur, Arthur was held as untouchable in that regard for Merlin. And he would _never_ put Arthur in that position to share the same fate as those other men did. And what was the effect of it all now...he destroyed Arthur anyway.

 

Merlin shook his head. Arthur deserved more than that. He could see it now. The flowers, the fancy restaurants, the candlelight dinners, the cozy by the fireplace movie nights, the weekend getaways, the month in Brazil. Hell, his own room color! What 'best friend' knew – and purchased the paint for - the exact room color that would match 100% with the color of your best mates' eyes?! And then have the fortitude to say that it was their favorite color? How the hell did he miss those signs?! Even with blocking things off pertaining to Arthur! He protected himself from his _own_ unwanted feelings - and from people that would hurt him leaving feelings and pain that were too close to the pain and feelings that he felt - from his past traumatic experiences. Not from Arthur's feelings beings directed at him! Arthur would have never hurt him. There was no danger there! Merlin hesitated. The love...the love was the danger there. The emotions must have been too strong. It was still no excuse.

 

He could remember Arthur's hesitation of things now. Arthur even told him that he liked him a lot before and Merlin replied in turn telling him that he liked him a lot too, and that Arthur was the best mate that he ever had aside from Will. Arthur was right, on some level it was ignored. It's not that it wasn't there, it was that Merlin didn't want to read anything more into it. Those feelings...like so many other feelings were too dangerous to ignite. And much easier to dismiss. And love, the all consuming love that burns like a fire, swallows you whole, and makes you feel like you're drowning. That kind of love...for Merlin, would have been tucked away and padlocked under explosive, and locked away for safekeeping possibly never to be opened again. It would have been there. But it would have been protected like so many other painful and explosive feelings that Merlin had locked away in the recesses of his mind. So the signs went ignored and in Arthur's mind...unwanted. But the feelings itself _were there_ , dormant, until the moment Arthur decided to leave him. When Arthur fell apart right in front of him. And it was like _Merlin's_ foundation was tilted off Axis. Because Arthur was no longer _hidden away_ for safe-keeping, no longer _locked away_ , and no longer _placed on a mantle_.

 

Arthur awakened every piece of feelings that was stored for him, and it came out like a damn that was bursting loose in Merlin's mind. All of the feelings from those well placed hits from Arthur over the years that never went anywhere, all of those feelings when Arthur was straight that was neatly tucked away, all of those moments between them – unbidden - it all came loose. Arthur may doubt that Merlin's feelings for him are real. But the fact is, they most definitely are. They are real because those feelings have been there all along. But it was Merlin's own fears of the unknown, his fears of rejection, of acceptance, and of confrontation that locked them all away. But Arthur was right too, his illness couldn't have possibly locked them _all_ away. That's also why there were cracks for Arthur to break through – to open that door to Merlin's emotions, during their confrontation - in the first place. Because it was _Merlin_ who took part in locking some of it away himself, if only to protect himself. If only to maintain control. And that is why he never chose a relationship that he knew would actually go anywhere for long-term. And as much as he claimed that he wanted to meet 'Mr. Right', the fact of the matter is he was self-sabatoging his own relationships because on some level he didn't think he'd be good enough for something more. And because he didn't want to set himself up for it to fail. Robert, as Arthur is so astute in seeing...slipped through the cracks. He was only supposed to be in London for three months, it wasn't expected to be anything else but a fling in Merlin's mind.

 

And Arthur must have been studying in the school of Hard Knox of Merlin for quite some time to be able to figure half of these things out. Especially if Merlin hadn't been able to figure out half of it for himself yet. Not that he'd _want_ to...figure it out for himself. The last thing Merlin _wants to do_ is to confront the things that he's done _wrong._ He's heard enough things that he's done wrong from his father, the bullies, and all of those rich snobs for a life-time. But that's another matter, this...this is about Arthur. And if Merlin wants him, like he claims that he does – like he knows that he does, he's going to have to try and suck some of this up. Morgana said that she would be _watching_ his actions because she didn't _believe_ his intentions, and he's pretty certain that Arthur will be doing the same since he doesn't quite believe Merlin's either. Not that Merlin _could_ blame Arthur entirely, especially since Arthur's been been catching him on his lies. Of course it would bring everything else that he tells Arthur into question too, leaving it all with room for doubt. But laying down, holding Arthur in his arms, on the couch, and listening to Arthur snore lightly...Merlin thinks that yes, this is what he wants. If he can only be strong enough to endure the things that are sure to be coming next.

 

Merlin groaned. Because this is going to be his worse nightmare coming to life to have to confront _every_ last thing where Arthur is concerned – and he's cringing to think of anyone else - and it sounds like he has done a lot of damage there. Whether Arthur blames him or not, that really isn't the point. If he claims to love Arthur the way that he says...he's going to have to accept some of the pain with him – like Arthur's been attempting to do – doing for that matter - all along for him with what Merlin allows. Merlin's going to have to accept some of the same pain from Arthur that he himself, _repels_ against. Because this was a result of him, because of his not noticing, because of his mind being made up in not _wanting to notice_ , it was those things that aided in sending Arthur in this path. His illness is responsible, but some of the obvious signs, some of the things he missed...Merlin clearly sees was his own automatic self-defense mechanisms kicking in. A defense that would have been designed to keep Arthur at bay in his mind. And for Merlin, his feelings for Arthur placed all of his own feelings on high alert. Because the kind of love that he has for Arthur isn't something that he can control like everything else in his life. And relationships are about give and take. That's why he hasn't stayed in one. Because he needs control from all of those years that he hadn't had any. Friendships are different, friendships leave room for choice. Relationships...they can only leave room for compromise. And at some point in that relationship, decisions will have to be made that will result in a compromise between both parties. Whether both parties _wanted_ to compromise or not. Particularly if they want that relationship to work. It was a big reason why Merlin didn't _stay_ in a relationship – not when it got down to making decisions about where to go next in it, and a big reason why Merlin attempted to flee to Los Angeles. He freaked about giving up all of that control to Arthur, about the dating, and not knowing what was coming next without a guarantee! There were too many open avenues there. From dating other men – he would be jealous - he could lose Arthur, to meeting new people – Arthur would move on without him, to Arthur's moving out – out of sight out of mind, and to Arthur's not being able to guarantee that they would be together when this was all over – it would all be for nought. There was no control there for Merlin! And nothing he had to place his hopes on to look forward to. Yes, he agreed to it all. No, he wasn't being honest with himself in doing so.

 

And Robert...what _could_ Merlin say about him? He was supposed to be a three month _fling_! Although, he did do _everything_ with Robert. Any time that Robert had to spare between treating his friend was _definitely_ given to Merlin. Everyday, everynight, every weekened _dedicated_ to Merlin. Robert even convinced Merlin to take some time off when Robert had even _more_ time to spare. He would always feign, _“We only have three months, Merlin!”_

 

Merlin's memories of Robert were absolute. Robert was wealthy so he gave Merlin anything that he thought Merlin wanted. He was perceptive, so he paid attention to Merlin's wants and needs. He was the _perfect_ boyfriend. And the best part about it: there were never any pressures of _choices_ in their relationship. If there was...Robert always had a way of putting it together to not make Merlin feel like he was actually giving up anything. That he was still in control. And Merlin loved every moment of those three months that they had together, but he never stopped to consider that he was in love with Robert. Robert was _good_ for him, but he was still a _fling!_ If Merlin thought for one second there was anything else he would have defended himself better against it, or broken it off sooner, but since he didn't...

 

Arthur was right in his reasons for not leaving with Robert. Though Merlin has no idea _how._ When did Arthur have the time to study him so well? It doesn't really matter now because the fact of the matter is Merlin hasn't studied Arthur at all - and maybe it's time that he starts - because Merlin's feels like he's at a distinct disadvantage here. And he probably should start soon, especially if he plans to have Arthur once everything is said and done. How could Merlin manage to to win Arthur over in the first place – since Arthur's obviously not making his decision to _choose_ Merlin strictly based on love - if he doesn't take the time to study Arthur now?! To prove that he _is_ paying attention, that he _cares_? And that goes back to the hints the lot gave back at the bar, and even Will gave for the wooing. Well...what the hell does Merlin know about _wooing_?! Not a damn thing that's what he knows! He knows how to go after what he wants and to take it. He doesn't know about the art of 'wooing'. And somehow...Merlin doesn't think Arthur will be very receptive to Merlin's usual methods of _taking_. Not if Arthur doesn't see himself as being separated from the rest, and _wants_ to be. And truth be told, Arthur _is_ separated from the rest. There may have been some feelings held for Robert down deep, but it's not even on the same margin as the feelings that Merlin has held for Arthur over the years. There were too many years, too many occassions, too many situations, too many gestures, and too much friendship to be able to place Arthur in the same category, the same _stratus-sphere_ as Robert. And yes, Merlin didn't leave with Robert because he didn't want to leave his family, work, or friends. But Merlin also didn't want to leave with him to put himself in a foreign place with no control over his life. Merlin also didn't have plans longer than a three month fling - and was totally thrown for a loop with a marriage proposal - so taking his words in a conversation word for word probably wasn't the best thing, but Merlin could see _exactly_ how Arthur's thoughts processes went, and he could see _clearly_ how Arthur would have seen things, and he was right, feelings were there. They just weren't part of Merlin's intensions, and the feelings weren't enough because Robert wasn't the one!

 

And Arthur was right, when Robert left he dated, _heavily_. And his one-offs -- _increased_. He didn't pay much attention to it at the time but he sees now that he was basically compensating for missing Robert. He was compensating for all of the - now - free time that he had, and for the lack of sex in number for all of the sex he had _with_ Robert. It really was a _wild_ three month fling. Arthur was right again, he was...busy. And _awwh_ , Merlin thought, Arthur called him... _busy_. That was so _sweet_. He shoulda told it straight like Will and called him a _slut_! But of course not, because Arthur is too much of a gentleman to say something like that to Merlin. He would never want to 'flat out' hurt Merlin's feelings. What he did say was as far as he was going to go on that front, and Arthur's word _choice,_ still held all of the relevant meanings just the same. He's a Pendragon after all. Merlin's eyes began to water again. Why would Arthur want him when this is all over? He's going to be _dating_ , he's going to be meeting new people _regularly_ , he's more than likely going to be having _sex_ with these people, why would he want Merlin when he can have so much more? Merlin didn't have an answer for that question. Because he didn't know why Arthur would want him when he could choose from so many other alternatives - both male and female - in the first place. He doesn't understand why Arthur would have been in love with him for seven years, and not have turned away. He doesn't understand why Arthur sacrificed so much for him, or why Arthur did the things that he's done from day one. He doesn't understand how he became so special to Arthur because it doesn't add up. And how could he understand why? How could he understand those feelings when he's done nothing but run away from those same feelings all along?! How could he possibly understand Arthur's choices or reasons why he's done the things that he's done, or reasons why Arthur hasn't given up on him or on his love for him over the years? Merlin turned his feelings for Arthur, which left him incapable of relating to why Arthur made the choices that he did. While Arthur decided not to because he wanted to hold on to hope. Well, Merlin didn't have hope! And he wasn't strong enough to hold onto those feelings – like Arthur did - without knowing that they would be returned back. Just like he doesn't know if he's strong enough to wait now. Merlin shook his head. It was starting to hurt too much to process his thoughts. This was everything that he should be confronting, and that he would have been _hiding from_ if – _Arthur didn't force him to stay_.

 

Merlin sucked in a breath. He was still holding Arthur in his arms. Half of Arthur's body was settled over him on the coach where they laid. It was a comfortable pressure. It felt like they fitted together somehow. He doesn't want to think about the other ways that they could really 'fit together'.

 

Merlin knows that he has a very healthy sexual appetite. He could pretty much imagine that Arthur...does not from what he gathered from their discussion. It was something that Merlin didn't want to think about other the years where Arthur was concerned. In some of his previous thoughts that he processed Merlin understood that he would tend to revert to sex to change conversations from something that was meant to be serious, where compromises did come to play, or important topics were held for discussion. Because, the topics of discussion were normally things that he didn't want to talk about, and normally it was directed at him. It was another defense mechanism. And Merlin's been called on using it before. His prior boyfriends just didn't understand it for it was as it normally succeeded in distracting them. But it was true. The sex was more than a coping mechanism. Arthur wouldn't know of this of course. And Merlin would never _want_ to share that. And why would he? When Arthur only knows that Merlin loves the sex, since he practically figured that out on his own. And Merlin doesn't want to leave Arthur with another reason to think that he's damaged goods – or unworthy of him. Merlin groaned. Arthur wants honesty from him. Merlin doesn't fully know how to give it. Somehow...Merlin thinks that's going to come back to bite him in the arse.

 

**

 

Arthur began to stir from his sleep as Merlin watched. He never noticed before how adorable Arthur looked in his sleep before, how...vulnerable. It made him think about the past seven years. It made him think of how vulnerable Arthur left himself _for him_. Just to continue to be his best friend. Just to allow Merlin to see the _signs_ over the years. Those same signs that went unnoticed.

 

Arthur opened his eyes, blue meeting blue, before he winced and swallowed. When he spoke, his tone was hoarse from sleep, still cuddled in Merlin's arms. “I'm sorry.”

 

Merlin looked at Arthur incredulously. His tone was hoarse from disuse. “What do you _possibly_ have to be sorry for?”

 

Arthur shook his head, eyes and expression open but a little sheepish, tone embarrassed. “For falling asleep.”

 

Merlin shook his head at Arthur in wonder, while tilting his head sideways in concern. “You looked like you needed it.”

 

Arthur nodded, but he didn't add anything more to Merlin's assessment.

 

“Have you eaten?” Merlin inquired raising his right brow, because this time he was going to _force himself_ to pay more attention to the signs, painful or not.

 

Arthur had the good grace to look sheepish, but he averted his eyes from Merlin in response. “I had a sandwich at Morgana's.”

 

“And did you eat all of the breakfast I left for you this morning?” Merlin asked, because he didn't quite believe the sandwich part since Arthur turned his eyes away from him - not to mention the clear change in his expression – and, Merlin was a much, much better liar than Arthur. Arthur wouldn't stand a chance if Merlin did force himself to pay attention.

 

Arthur nodded, tone and eyes gentle. “I ate the apple bear claw, and the Greek Yogurt with the homemade granola.”

 

It wasn't enough for Arthur, and it wasn't enough to be considered meals in Arthur's condition and they both knew it. Despite how Arthur was trying to pass it off.

 

“How about I call for pizza?” Merlin said as a question, but was mentally planning to call in something.

 

“I can cook.” Arthur said immediately. Arthur didn't notice that Merlin was thinking ahead of him.

 

Merlin shook his head, eyes open, sincere, and yet - assertive. “I _want_ to do this for you, and since we both know I _suck_ at cooking... pizza, Chinese, Greek, or Cajun? Take your pick.” Merlin took control.

 

Arthur nodded, looking Merlin in his eyes. He swallowed, and sighed with a nod again giving in. “Pizza it is?” Arthur finished in a question.

 

“That's what I thought,” Merlin responded with a grin, eyes sparkling. He knew that Arthur did like pizza. How would it taste for him now? He guessed they would both find out. Merlin let go of his hold that he had on Arthur from their embrace. He wanted it back immediately after, but this wasn't about him at the moment. And boy did that sound different, after everything that he's heard from everyone, and learning what he himself has done. When they were both on their feet Merlin ran both hands and fingers through his hair, and stretched his arms above his head before – Arthur's hoodie started rising up showing his muscular stomach - placing them back down again and saying, tone assumptive and with a smile, “why don't you go take a shower, and change into something more comfortable. I'll call in for pizza first, before doing the same thing, and we'll meet back out here, yeah?” Compromise. _He's going to have to practice on the art of compromising_ , Merlin thought.

 

Arthur looked at Merlin - well...he had just finished looking at Merlin's stomach as it peeked out from under his hoodie along with the lines of his hips that...he swallowed - like he was more precious than any rare gem, like he was as bright as any star in the sky.

 

And while Arthur did this Merlin felt naked, because...why would Arthur look at him like that? He didn't focus too hard at finding out.

 

Merlin leaned in, placing his hands on both sides of Arthur's face, and gave Arthur a chaste kiss on the lips. He couldn't help himself! Not after seeing and feeling the emotions that rolled off of Arthur just by that look. And...because Arthur hasn't _stopped_ him. But Merlin didn't push. He let go after the chaste kiss. That Arthur did moan into. They took a few awkward steps back from each other. And they looked...awkward for a moment too, but nervous. Before Merlin prompted, tone hoarse, “shower?”

 

Arthur continued to stare at Merlin, he licked his lips before swallowing, and repeating – tone equally hoarse, “shower,” nodding his way to the direction of his bedroom.

 

Merlin eyes followed Arthur direction of his nod and nodded in turn. He grinned.

 

Arthur swallowed again, and flushed slightly, but he left that time to make it to the shower.

 

Merlin watched him and all that he could think about was that he _wanted_ him. He wanted Arthur, and he wanted to slap himself because he missed all of those signs! Because if he didn't miss those signs he could have _had_ Arthur all along. But Merlin had to press himself to think further. What kind of boyfriend what he have been to Arthur if he was so unemotionally attached then? Would it have lasted? More than likely not, he thought. Merlin swallowed.

 

Merlin hung his head in thought. He _wants_ Arthur. How in the hell is he supposed to watch him date other men, watch him _period_ , see him meet new people, while staying single himself – as someone who _does_ love sex, with all of his new found emotions going crazy inside of him saying taketaketaketakenow?! How is he going to _restrain_ himself, and be the good little Merlin to prove himself to Arthur without any of his defense and coping mechanisms that are sure to try to kick in out of his own self-preservation of not wanting to get hurt himself? Merlin groaned, because he knew full well that he was screwed every which way from Sunday!

 

There was nothing he could do but order the pizza, and take a _cold_ shower. Merlin resigned himself to knowing that he'd be taking a lot of cold showers in the future. And then he grimaced, as he remembered what was coming next for their evening, after the pizza. He was not looking forward to the remainder of his and Arthur's conversation.

 

**

 

They sat in the living room, on the floor, backs against the couch, wearing comfortable sweatsuits, coffee table pulled towards them while they ate their pepperoni pizzas. Arthur allowed Merlin to have a beer this time, he even got one for himself. They had a feeling their next conversation might be even more heavier than the one that they had before. Merlin ordered two large pizzas. He always had a large appetite and he's pretty fit himself with working out, and jogging as a normal routine. He'd been doing that shortly after he and Arthur met. Sure, he's not as big as the lads with his lean frame. But he _is_ muscular, strong, and firm, in all of the right places. As he's been told more times than he can count. And he does take good care of his body. Something else Arthur got him focused on doing throughout the years. Merlin was able to put down five slices of pizza easily. Arthur used to put down at least six, at the minimum. Merlin watched him struggling to eat _two_. He barely made it through the first one, and he was pulling the pepperoni off of the second one. Arthur was honest when he confessed the information about his food intake, Merlin thought. He did eat, when forced it seems...or in the mood, but it was not _nearly_ enough. It hurt his heart to watch.

 

Merlin swallowed. And kept his tone neutral in saying. “Have you had enough?”

 

Arthur turned his head to the right slightly to look at Merlin and nodded with a small smile. “Yeah, I'm pretty full.” And Arthur wasn't lying, he didn't _have_ an appetite. And his stomach was still in knots from saying everything that he said to Merlin earlier. He felt...raw. And waking up in Merlin's arms made him feel comforted, warm, but defenseless. And he doesn't quite know how he felt about that yet. Because Merlin could bring him to that state with little to no effort, and Arthur's afraid of what will happen if he let's himself go. If he gives in to Merlin. Because right now, he knows that would be the most unhealthiest thing for him. It doesn't stop him from _wanting_ though. That's the agony of it all, and that's why there was a valid need for some real healthy distance between them. He doesn't think he'll share that part of what he's feeling just yet though. It'll only give Merlin more control than he already has.

 

Merlin tried another approach. Merlin tilted his head to the left and licked his lips, he raised his left brow, while taking on a firmer tone, yet gentle tone before trying again. “Okay, finish two more slices for me, and I'll put everything up, yeah?”

 

A flash of pain went across Arthur's face. His expression settled upon showing that finishing two more slices were going to be pure torture for him, before finally settling on impassive. He swallowed too, and nodded, tone soft. “Yeah, I'll finish this one,” the one he was playing with in his right hand while playing with the pepperoni's with the other, “and one more slice.”

 

That would only be a total three of the normal six or more slices that Arthur would have put down before. Merlin didn't say anything because at least Arthur agreed to that. He decided instead that he needed to _try_ to pay even more attention than he originally thought. Which was...difficult...for him – especially watching the pain of it all, but he needs to _prove_ to Arthur, and to himself on some level that it's not all about him. And if it is, he needs to break from that as best as he can. And maybe, just maybe...it might just help him in his _own_ recovery, because it will continue to give him something else to strive for, and will hopefully...allow him to keep Arthur when they are through.

 

**

 

As agreed upon, Arthur did finish the three slices. It felt...forced, and Arthur felt like he wanted to throw up but he held it down.

 

Merlin cleaned up the pizza boxes storing away the remaining slices for later. He brought out more cold beers, because that was the _only way_ Arthur was going to get _anything_ that he wanted out of him, and Merlin knew it. They sat back on the floor again, backs to the couch, legs stretched out before them under the coffee table. And their beers settled on the coffee table before them.

 

“So...,” Arthur decided to take lead in the discussion _again_ , he knew it wasn't going to be easy for Merlin, “you have a problem with my dating?” It wasn't a question, but Arthur was giving Merlin a chance to respond honestly. He finished with his left brow raised, and a small grin. Arthur couldn't help but feel a little good that Merlin _was_ jealous. It made him feel wanted.

 

Merlin winced immediately looking to jump to the defense, eyes wide, voice alarmed, “I didn't say -”

 

Merlin failed his chance.

 

Arthur raised his right hand cutting Merlin off, “you didn't - _have to say it_ \- your _tone_ said it, and I...detected some jealousy there too.”

 

Merlin sucked in a breath, and ran his right hand and fingers through his hair. He hated the feeling of being exposed. But Arthur already knew about this so there wasn't nothing he could do but answer the question. Tone resigned Merlin responded. “I don't understand why dating _would_ help, and I don't know if I can sit there and _watch_ you dating someone else knowing my feelings for you, and knowing that your in love with me too.” There, he said it, Merlin thought, before using his right hand to grab his beer and taking a swig of it.

 

Arthur looked pained. Because he knows quite well what it felt like to see Merlin dating other people. Except he didn't _have a say_ so in the matter, and it wasn't anything about Merlin's mental health in question before either. But now, it's about his own. Arthur tried to reassure Merlin, eyes open and honest. “No one said that I had to fall for them Merlin -”

 

But Merlin couldn't stop himself from interrupting. “But who's to say that you won't?” Merlin's eyes turned glossy, expression crestfallen. Merlin knows that there's a good chance he'll lose Arthur if Arthur pursues this. There's too many other factors to take into consideration here!

 

Arthur looked strickened by Merlin's expression, and by his words. But there wasn't much wiggle room here for him. He tried again, trying for comforting in his tone and his expression. “There's something that you don't seem to understand, Merlin.” Arthur said as he ran his right hand and fingers through his hair. Expression and voice attempting for more solace, while the intensity of the words simultaneously brought an edge in Arthur tone, and it showed clear in Arthur's eyes too. “You know for a fact that I'm in love with you, but you seem to be under some misconception that I'm going to fall _out of love_ with you in an instant when I've been _in love_ with you for the past seven years. How do you think dating is going to change all of that so easily?”

 

That would hit on Merlin's fears. So, he still tried for honesty, but not what _could have been_ said. He licked his lips, his eyes watered slightly, but he tried tone, saddened, “because you might find someone else, someone better -”

 

Arthur reached over using his left hand to grab Merlin's right, he looked Merlin in his eyes, tone full of sorrow, eyes watering, “Merlin, I love you so much that it _hurts_ , literally. I doubt very much that dating is going to change that -”

 

Merlin slammed his beer on the coffee table with his left hand, Arthur flinched, and Merlin used his left hand and fingers to run through his hair. He continued, tone anguished.

 

“Then why do you have to do it?” Merlin was pushing, he was quite aware but he was scared and that he was being selfish, but he couldn't see past the fact that Arthur would be dating other people. He didn't want to _lose_ Arthur, and anyone in their right mind would see how much of a catch Arthur was, they wouldn't want to let him go!

 

Arthur sighed. He could read some of Merlin's thoughts as the brief expressions flickered across his face, as he could see it in his eyes, and hear it in his tone. Arthur licked his lips and used his right thumb and forefinger to press the bridge of his nose in frustration. He was still unable to 'guarantee' anything right now. Not until they both worked out some things, and not until they both got healthier. And not until Merlin worked out his _own_ thoughts too. And Arthur, Arthur would be no good for Merlin or for anyone else if he didn't focus on his own recovery too. His croaked out, expression pained, because he didn't _want_ to hurt Merlin. “I _have_ to do this Merlin, this isn't about you, this isn't about me trying to get over you quickly, and this isn't about me trying to _hurt_ you. But it _is_ about me trying to be less dependent of you. This is about me gaining some identity back apart from you since I dedicated so many years of my life trying to go after you, and trying to give myself to you. This is about me getting better.”

 

A weyward tear fell from Merlin's left eye, as he yanked his right hand away from Arthur's left, it hurt Arthur – he could see it in his eyes, but Merlin didn't care at the moment. His tone was hoarse when he responded, “I just don't understand. _We_ haven't even dated, we haven't even had _sex_ , we haven't done _anything_ , and now you're going to be going out with all of these people that you will be doing these _things_ with -”

 

Arthur was quick to interject on one part, tone equally hoarse, eyes watered. “I never even said anything about sex -” Arthur _tried_ to say before Merlin cut him off, _again_.

 

“You can't  _guarantee_  that you won't Arthur, who knows what will happen out on a date, and you've just said that you needed to be less dependent of me to gain your _own_ identity back, just what do you think that means?! Merlin shrieked, as he used his right hand and fingers to brush over his eyes, both eyes continuing to tear up now.

 

Arthur swallowed, because he didn't _know_ what to say, he would have hoped that Merlin would have understood at least a little bit, but it seems...he doesn't. He tried another tactic, trying for reassurance, eyes still glossy but open and honest. “I'm not going to be dating all of the time Merlin, and half of it is also going out to meet people -”

 

“What do you think happens on dates, Arthur?!” Merlin snapped. Merlin couldn't help it, his emotions were going all over the place, and all he saw was that he needed to fight for what was his.

 

And Arthur snapped back with no filter. “Not everything that happens on yours apparently!”

 

Merlin recoiled, because that was a low blow.

 

Arthur grimaced immediately, and sighed, he raised both his hands and fingers to run through his hair before dropping them and saying apologetically. “I'm sorry, you didn't -”

 

“Yes, yes you did.” Merlin interjected shaking his head, because whatever Arthur was about to apologize for would have been a lie, when they both know about his history. He looked down at the carpet before whispering, “I deserved that.” Before getting up, picking up his beer and walking towards the same wall he backed Arthur up into the night before, sliding down on the floor pulling his knees to his chin and wrapping his arms around himself, beer in hand. He did deserve that.

 

Arthur felt like shit. He's trying. He's really trying, but how can he do it without sacrificing himself in the process? He got up, grabbed his beer, and joined Merlin on the same white wall, sliding down and stretching his legs out before him. Leaning his right shoulder into Merlin left and saying gently, eyes watered, but open. “I _am_ sorry.”

 

Merlin shook his head. “I have no right, I just...” Merlin took a huge swig of his beer. He shook his head again, tone broken while bordering hopeless at the same time, weyward tears continuing to fall from both eyes. “I don't want to _lose_ you.”

 

Arthur eyes watered, but he tried to sound comforting next while telling the truth. “Your not _going_ to lose me Merlin, I'll always be there for you.”

 

“Just not in the way that I want right?” Merlin responded back, tone stricken.

 

Arthur kept trying, but he was at a loss. Arthur knows what Merlin is trying to push him into. He couldn't guarantee more without lying when he didn't have an answer for the unknown himself. Not while there were still things that needed to be resolved between them, and not while there was no way of knowing what the outcome would be. It would be reckless to make a decision like that right now, especially after everything that's happened, and especially in the middle of their recoveries. They needed _time_. Arthur could only offer comfort. “I didn't say -”

 

“You don't _have_ to say it, dating other people _proves_ it.” Merlin snapped again feeling sick. He took his left hand that was wrapped around his knees and ran it along with his fingers through his hair tugging. He knows he's probably going too far, he knows this is about him and _not_ about Arthur's recovery, but he couldn't help it. He has to put up some type of fight! Once everyone else get's their claws into Arthur what chance will he have? There's gotta be another way!

 

“Would you rather leave me sick?” Arthur asked curiously, left brow raised, tone at a whisper because he didn't know how he'd feel about that but he had to wonder. He couldn't have been any more clearer that this was about his recovery if he tried, and yet Merlin has fought him every step of the way on this one topic. They hadn't even properly gotten to any other topic yet, aside from his own confession.

 

Merlin tried, his expression and tone hopeful, his eyes still flooded with tears, “We can take care of each other, Arthur.”

 

That rose the hairs on Arthur's neck. He used his left forefinger and thumb to press the bridge of his nose before shaking his head and licking his lips. When he responded his tone was pained because he was still at a loss. “How Merlin? How can we take _care_ of each other like that? Your condition is different from mine, so your recovery process is different too, and very strenuous. Your going through intensive psychotherapy, and your forcing yourself to face things that you stayed away from facing just about your entire life. My focus, my focus always been all about _you_. I've been in love with you for all of these years until it became unhealthy for me to live _normally_. I _surrounded_ myself around you. I didn't distance myself until I _had_ to. I took all of that pain in. I have to have some time _away_ from you. It's the _only way_ for me to get some of myself back! Before my healthy love for you becomes _unhealthy_ as it's already bordering on, and before I _lose_ myself for good.” Arthur said as the tears started to fall down his eyes and cheeks, his expression and tone sounded broken. “I think my wanting to take my own life, and barely eating three slices of pizza proves that --”

 

Merlin flinched, and opened his mouth to interject but Arthur wasn't finished. He spoke right on through without even acknowledging Merlin's attempt.

 

“--I _have_ date and I _have_ to meet more other people to get me out of the habit of being so _dependent_ of you. Of wasting my life away...waiting --” Arthur croaked out that last word.

 

And Merlin wanted to interject again because he was getting tired of hearing that he didn't want Arthur back, but he couldn't be that naive to respond knowing that this was more than about now and everything to do with the damage that was done.

 

Arthur continued on unaware of Merlin's own dilemma.

 

“--It helps to recreate the social organisation that I inadvertently tore down while trying to go after you all of these years. I'll be no good to you until I get better too, Merlin. And I'm not _going_ anywhere. You'll still see me, and any dates that I do have you wouldn't meet them anyway because I have my own flat -”

 

Merlin _was_ resigned then, understanding that Arthur was not going to budge on this. Merlin's tone was grief-stricken, he scowled, and used his left hand to wipe his face from the tears. “And who's to say that Morgana or the rest of the lot won't find you your prince charming -” Merlin tone took on bitterness at the end before Arthur cut him off.

 

“Really?” Arthur asked with a look of disbelief, stunned for a moment, before taking the tone of disbelief too. “Prince Charming, _Merlin_ , this isn't a fairy they're aren't any prince charmings out there.”

 

“You know what I mean, Arthur!” Merlin jumped to his feet with lighting speed glaring down at Arthur.

 

And Arthur was not going to settle for that so he immediately got up too. Blue meeting blue breathing heavily, and frustrated. Arthur wanted to yell, but he was trying very hard to restrain himself while Merlin was trying very hard to push his buttons. Arthur sucked in a breath before bringing his left forefinger and thumb to press the bridge of his nose. He then decided to try for peace, if he could. He clinched his jaw, tone tight, but trying for gentle. “I can see that we're at an impasse on this part of our discussion, let's come back to it, yeah?”

 

Merlin still breathing heavily, glared at Arthur, but he moved over to the couch to sit down on it. It didn't matter if they got back to that discussion if Arthur wasn't going to budge on the topic itself. He tried for a smile, it turned out to be a grimace, but he did nod in approval of the change in topic.

 

“Why did you leave? The real answer answer this time.” Arthur asked, tone still a little frustrated but trying, while he stood at the other end of the coffee table looking at Merlin.

 

And Merlin wanted to roll his eyes. He didn't even know why he _bothered_ when the second question was even worse than the first! And it wasn't like he could use any of his stock answers anymore! Arthur pretty much called him out on lying with those answers! And if he _keeps_ lying whether intentionally or unintentionally, Arthur's going to question everything that he's _ever_ said to weigh the sincerity in it, _including_ his love for him. And Merlin couldn't afford that! He was barely hanging onto Arthur as it was, and he has nothing to use to prove his love to Arthur but his word. He has to do his best to control how he lies intentionally--which will be anything but easy, because it comes out of pure habit from as long as he could remember to protect and to defend himself, and he's never grown out of it because he _still_ has to protect and defend himself! It wasn't compulsive, Merlin's quite certain of it. He's mostly aware of his actions--even though it's an automatic response, and he's more than aware that he _could be_ bordering compulsive even though he's not. Not to mention, he can stop! If he wants to. Merlin was fighting a war in his own mind. Arthur's never pushed him this much for information before?! In fact, Arthur's never pushed him for anything at all! He normally gave him the choice, or chose things that they both would agree on! Merlin's mind was all over the place as he groaned closing his eyes. But if he tells Arthur the truth... Merlin opened his eyes from where he was leaned back into the couch to take in Arthur. And Arthur had his arms folded over his chest, beer still in his right hand, looking down at Merlin like he was reading every thought that Merlin had in the last thirty-five seconds. He didn't give away his thoughts but Merlin would be willing to bet there was more _disappointment_ going through it. He looked at Arthur, who had his left brow raised looking back at Merlin, blue meeting blue, as if _daring_ Merlin to come up with another lie. Merlin swallowed.

 

Merlin's eyes teared up then, and he started tapping his right foot into the carpet. He took another gulp of his beer that was still in his right hand before responding, tone soft--but broken. “I don't want to _lose_ you.” Merlin looked up to Arthur from where he was sitting back on the couch, allowing the tears to flow, he sucked in a breath, and continued, voice strained. “I know that I gave in to everything that you said before. That I told you to do all of those _things_ , that I _dared_ you, but I _can't..._ I can't see where you'd want to be with me at the end if you did all of those things, and I...” Merlin shook his head, and continued, throat hoarse from the tears, tone still strained. “I couldn't go through all of that. I couldn't _wait_ while _watching you_ do all of those things, only to _lose you_ in the end. There was no... _hope..._ for me to hold onto. Regardless of your support, there was no... _guarantee_...of anything else, and what I want most of all is _you_.” Merlin ended with his left forefinger pointing at Arthur like he was laying it out clear what he wanted out of this. Merlin started shaking his head, and he swallowed, before taking another huge swig of his beer.

 

For some reason, that answer _angered_ Arthur. Maybe because it had nothing to do with his recovery at all, or maybe it was Merlin, but he couldn't hold his response back if he wanted to, and it came out sharp, and it was lined with anger. Arthur was shaking by the time he started, and his eyes were blazing. “Merlin, nobody get's a guarantee! You've managed to arrange your life in a way that you managed to get _everything_ that you've ever wanted while protecting yourself from any source of pain. You managed to not go after anything unless you were  _guaranteed_ something in return despite what the effects were on _others_ in your wake. You managed to protect _yourself_ , and I've always somehow managed to give you everything that you've _ever_ wanted, and the _one time_ ,” Arthur had to pause there, he took a sharp intake of breath, and used his left forefinger and thumb to press the bridge of his nose before shaking his head and continuing, voice tense and still laced with anger. “The one time, I come to you for something that _I want_ , something that I _need_ , your _telling_ me that _you can't wait_ because your not _gauranteed_ that I won't be there when it's all said and done. It's an all or nothing, Merlin. Despite what you trying to tell me, it's an _ultimatum_ that your trying to push me into, and if I don't put my own recovery to the side your telling me that _you_ don't want to be there while I go through it. Your telling me that my feelings, my wants, my _needs_ don't matter!”

 

Merlin recoiled, and shuddered before licking his lips as the tears continued to flow. He tried to choke out, “that is not what -”

But Arthur wasn't listening because Arthur was on a roll, and he didn't want to hear anything that Merlin was about to make up to get out of this one.

 

“That is _exactly_ what your saying, but you've protected yourself so neatly over the years that you've managed to work it out to saying that your protecting others when in fact, your only protecting yourself!” Arthur ended in a yell.

 

There was a shiver that went down Merlin's spine. It wasn't from fear of any abuse from Arthur, but it was because of fear of his truths being made known. And he didn't know how he was going to handle it if Arthur figured it out!

 

Arthur continued unaware of where Merlin's thoughts wandered off to. When he spoke, his eyes were still blazing, he still was shaking, and his voice was painfully strained. And Arthur wasn't having a panic attack, Arthur was getting angry because Merlin couldn't see what he was doing to him. “I admit, I want to make sure that you love me for the _right_ reasons, that you _understand_ what those feelings are, after going for so long without them.” Arthur was trying to calm down as he spoke, his voice was came out hoarse, eyes still blazing but trying to calm down to be more gentle. “But I've compromised throughout _everything_. I've _waited_. I'm _still_ compromising my own recovery to be here right now! I said that I would be there for your support, that I didn't _want_ to leave you. That I would _think_ this through, really _think this through_ , and that I would make a decision. I said that I needed the time to _heal_ , to _recover_ , to not be on _suicide watch_ from my sister, to not _alert_ my father, to not _lose myself_ in the process, but that I _would_ be there. And your telling me... Your telling me that that's not enough. That's it's not enough because I can't  _guarantee_  you that I will _surrender myself to you_ in the end. That it's not enough, because you don't want me to do what I need to do, because you don't want to give me the distance apart that I need to take myself from being so dependent of you. To get my _own_ identity back! You don't want me to do that because your _afraid_ that once I do I won't _choose_ you. You want a  _guarantee_  that that won't happen?”

 

And Merlin wished there was a hole for him to crawl into in that moment, because Arthur was just able to summarize some of Merlin's worse fears in a matter of minutes, and he felt exposed. But Merlin wasn't done yet. And he wasn't going to go out without a fight!

 

Merlin tried to change tactics, tone and expression hurt, and he was _hurt_ at the moment, with all of his thoughts laying out there to be stomped on. “How would you feel if I were asking these things of you in reverse?” It was lame but he was grasping at straws here!

 

Arthur calmed down immediately, tone and expression fond, but you could tell there was still some frustration in it all. “I've been through _worse_ with you, Merlin, and here I am _still_ offering my help to get you through this.”

 

Merlin sucked in a breath, tears still falling, mouth set in a frown, automatically trying to defend, “it's not the same, I didn't know -”

 

Arthur's voice got sharp again, but his expression was still fond, even though his eyes were pained. “You didn't know what? That you were in _love_ with me. Well I knew that I was in love with you, and I _never_ turned my back on you because I was _too busy_ trying to protect myself from my own pain. And I'm not even turning my back on you now! I'm not even saying that I don't want you when we're finis-”

 

Merlin sniffed, “that's the problem, I don't know what you want -” Merlin's voice started to crack, but Arthur interrupted him again.

 

Arthur wasn't going to stop, because the only way he could get through to Merlin now was to push. And it pained him but he continued. “And if you can't tell that I love you then there's something wrong because the whole reason why I have to go through this recovery in the first place is because I want you _too much_!”

 

This wasn't happening, this wasn't happening, this wasn't happening, was all Merlin could repeat in his head. Until he thought of _something_ as he _remembered_ what he processed earlier. Compromise. It was his _last_ chance, because once everyone started getting their hands into Arthur and setting him up on dates, once Morgana got involved... “I want us to be able to date too?” Merlin finished with a whisper, tears still falling, but his tone was trying for hope where there wasn't any.

 

Arthur raised his right brow, he was stumped by that. He should have seen it coming. And his expression and tone was incredulous. “You want us...” Arthur used his left forefinger to signal them, “to date.”

 

“Yes.” Merlin said, eyes showing all of his want, responded automatically.

 

And Arthur smiled, his expression was fond then in his own tears, but he still wasn't completely following that one. “Merlin, you are aware that we've _known_ each other for _thirteen years_ , that I've been in love with you for seven, possibly _more_ than that, and I _know_ practically everything there is to know about -”

 

Merlin shook his head and prayed for this to work. He placed his beer back on the coffee table with his right hand, and used both of his hands to wipe his face before rubbing his hands in his jeans. When he spoke his tone was hopeful and hoarse, his eyes were trying to show all of his want, and he said everything that he could think of to make it work, for Arthur to see. “No, no you don't Arthur. Well...not like you use to. Because, because I blocked so much of myself off you couldn't have _known_ everything. You know more than I do, but you don't know me like I am now, like...I'm going to be. You don't...you don't know me _romantically_ either. We've _never_ dated, although, some of your signs were pretty much a date but, the problem with that was the fact that I didn't _know_ about it. If you're going to date all of these people, if you're going to get to know _all of these people_ while meeting new people, while I'm supposed to _stay single_ in the process then allow us to get to know each other on that level too. You said you had to decide.” Merlin swallowed, as he tried to muster up all of his feelings to get his thoughts across. His tone was still hoarse while his eyes remained full of hope as he continued. “How can you decide when you don't know that side of us yet, _together_? Shouldn't I have a _right_ to fight for you too? To have a _say_ somewhere in there instead of sitting on the sidelines or getting left behind altogether? Can't I _express_ how I feel for you too? Can't I _show you_? I'm asking for a real chance to really _prove_ myself because there's no way that I can do that by sitting around and doing nothing. Not the feelings that you're looking to see from me. And at least, by doing this...if.. _.if I lose you_...it won't be because I didn't try.”

 

Arthur's chest was hurting by the time Merlin finished, and his love wouldn't _allow_ him to turn away from Merlin's proposition. And once Arthur finished his thoughts, he couldn't find a way to _disagree_ with Merlin's proposition either.

 

**

 

**A Compromise**

 

They agreed to two dates a week. Real dates, kisses too. Merlin was the one that forced that one. Arthur was going for one date a week. He was still nervous, and his recovery stayed in the back of his mind. But they did agree together that if the two dates interfered with Arthur's recovery they would go back to one date instead. But they agreed to two! Merlin thought happily, and now, there was room for hope.

 

**

 

And that was only the start of discussions.

 

**

 

**The Lake-house**

 

“You did what!” Merlin shrieked, skin paled, and alarm ringing through all of his senses.

 

Arthur sighed, he wasn't expecting that response as they sat on the couch feet propped up under their legs sitting across from each other. He tried again, trying to sell the idea, because it was a good idea! And this time it was Arthur his tone and eyes trying for hopeful. “I told Morgana that I wanted to take you away to the family lake-house in Wales, for a week... or two.”

 

“Why would you say that? Why would you want that?! And while we're both recovering? What part of any of this spells out to be a good idea?” Merlin didn't know why he said that. Maybe because his alarm bells sounded when Arthur said Morgana in he remembered their last conversation. But nevertheless, the words were said, and Merlin's eyes were wide while he waited for an answer.

 

Arthur used his right thumb and forefinger to press the bridge of his nose. His tone and eyes still remained hopeful because he was confident in this plan. “We _both_ need the time away Merlin. You haven't been sleeping properly due to your nightmares and there's still things that you have to face, and I wanted to be there to support you, and there's still things that _we_ need to resolve. Not to mention I need more time away too, and I don't want to leave you without my support, not while I can help it.”

 

That could work, Merlin thought, mind already working. Some time alone, to have Arthur to himself, without outside interference. It didn't stop him from saying. “And on top of that, your sister hates me -” Merlin's mouth rambled on without filter.

 

“No she doesn't-” Arthur was quick to defend in his tone and eyes. She doesn't hate him, she's upset with him, but she promised she would make it work if he and Merlin resolved their issues but she needed some time first. He remembered the last part of their conversation automatically and his sister's words before he left her flat.

 

“ _I promise to be supportive, Arthur. Whatever your decision. I will have your back. And I will try to forgive Merlin for his part in all of this too. Just... give me some time. It's different for me, it wasn't easy standing their watching. But if he's willing to try then so am I. But your health is going to be first for me, and so is your happiness. You missed out on so many years of happiness, you deserve to know what that feels like.”_

 

“Yes, she does.” Merlin responded quickly unaware of Arthur's thoughts. His tone was pained, but he wasn't going to argue with Arthur about his sister. Especially knowing how close the two are.

 

It didn't stop Arthur from inquiring for more information though, after picking up Merlin's tone.

 

Arthur paused, tone curious, right brow raised. “Merlin, what gives you that impression?”

 

No Answer. Merlin's expression closed off from giving anything away.

 

Arthur tried again, “ _Mer_ lin?” Because Arthur wasn't buying it. Merlin wouldn't bring it up unless it was _something_. Whether it's from all of his emotions going all over the place or not, he needed to talk about it.

 

No answer, but eventually... five seconds later... Merlin shook his head, and sighed, eyes still not giving anything away. “Maybe you should ask her. But it doesn't matter because she was right, for the most part.” _Except for where my feelings for you are concerned_ , Merlin thought, before continuing, “I can see that now. She was being protective of you in the only way Morgana knows how, but she was right in what she said at the time. And at least she was the _only one_ to try and tell me what was going on with the exception of Will. Even if it wasn't relayed the right way, or if she lost her temper before she could get the rest out.”

 

That part was Arthur's fault. He sighed, and licked his lips, before running his right hand and fingers through his hair. His tone was soft when he continued. “A lot of the secrecy from the lot was _my fault_ , Merlin. I asked them, made them swear hysterically not to _tell you_ about my feelings. I didn't want you to find out that way, and they even tried for the signs like me, but...nothing _ever_ worked.” Arthur shook his head before continuing. “It didn't stop them from trying to tell me to tell you myself or to move on. They were worrying and there was nothing that anyone could do. Well...not anyone,” Arthur swallowed, his eyes were distant. “But we didn't _want to involve_ anyone else.”

 

**

 

**The yearly Christmas Party at Morgana's**

 

 

“Morgana's Christmas party!” Merlin was automatically shaking his head as he started pacing across the living room floor. Still shaking his head, tone firm, Merlin responded. “I can't go there.”

 

Arthur got up to in order to walk in front of Merlin to stop his pacing. His eyes were widened in surprise, his lips red from nibbling on them, tone questioning, he asked. “Why not? We go every year.”

 

Merlin didn't notice Arthur was in front of him and stumbled right into him. Arthur gripped his shoulders to hold him firmly before he fell flat on his face and waited.

 

Merlin responded quietly, eyes starting to turn glossy again after he righted himself enough for Arthur to let him go. “Because they don't want _me_ there, Arthur.”

 

Arthur knew that things were tense, and that they may be tense for a little while, but everyone had to work on getting through this, _including_ Merlin. And Merlin has a fear of confrontation, rejection, and acceptance to work through. He _has_ to face it. Even though he'll try his best to circumvent facing it at all. Arthur used his right hand to firmly grip Merlin's shoulder as he replied. Tone and eyes encouraging and supportive. “There you're _friends_ , Merlin.”

 

Merlin shook his head automatically at that. His tone becoming hoarse all of a sudden, though he leaned in to where Arthur held firm on his left shoulder. His eyes became glossy again. “No, Arthur, they're _your_ friends. They don't want _anything_ to do with me.”

 

And Arthur felt like he had to come to defense for everyone then, including Merlin because as long as no one was talking no one was resolving anything. His tone and eyes were firm, but he still held encouragement and comfort all over it. “Now that's not true, and you know it. I'm not saying that they were in the right, they shouldn't have stopped talking to you. But they didn't agree with what happened, and they _were_ upset. It's their right, and their feelings, and not to mention _choice_ to feel that way, but they never _stopped_ being your friends. We have to all talk this out, say our peace, and we need to get past this, together”

 

It sounded comforting, but Merlin's emotions were still all over the place which made those words piss him off instead. He snapped, but didn't remove himself from Arthur's hold on his shoulder, remembering the look of hurt on Arthur's face earlier when he snatched his hand away from him. “That's easy for _you_ to say, they never _stopped_ speaking to you.”

 

Arthur sighed, closed his eyes, and licked his lips. He tried for reassuring, but he needed Merlin to understand where he was coming from here too. Support won't make any difference if Merlin refuses to face anything unless he's forced to do it. And he knows that Merlin _wants_ to get better. “Look, you have a problem facing rejection, acceptance, and confrontation. You put it aside, and discard the feeling from your mind. Maybe you _need_ to face it, if only to find it's not what you think it is after all. It was just as easy for you to reach out to them as you expected them to reach out to you.”

 

Merlin shook his head, because even though he didn't blame the lot for not reaching out to him, he still remembered how he felt. How he felt alone. And he doesn't even want to know what they think of him now too, with everything about his childhood, and his past out there as common knowledge among the group. Merlin couldn't find it in himself to say any of that to Arthur yet. They made so much progress together in one evening, and Merlin didn't want to lose the moment, nor did he want to find himself saying anything to take anything that they accomplished back.

 

Arthur was unaware of Merlin's solemn thoughts as he continued trying to encourage his friend. As he tightened his grip on Merlin's shoulder for comfort, blue meeting blue, tone intense. “I'll be there with you, every step of the way. You have _me_ , Merlin.” _And he'll make sure the lot is on their best behavior, and that they find a way to fix this!_ Arthur thought to himself. Because he would make sure that they were on their best behavior. Because he _would_ make sure that amends were had by all parties concerned. But he needed Merlin to be able to _confront_ this too. He _had_ to, not just for their friends, but for _himself_. If he continued to run away he would never _face_ anything. Yes, Arthur would _deal_ with it. It will be next on his to do list. But he could only handle one confrontation at a time. And an encounter with Merlin now, pouring out his heart to Morgana _and_ Merlin in one day, was enough confrontation for Arthur to be able to mentally and physically handle right now. The lot, would have to come later.

 

Merlin spluttered, eyes widened looking at Arthur, but his mouth lost his filter again, as he responded, tone hoarse. “I don't _have_ you.”

 

And if Merlin's words couldn't cut like a knife... Arthur used his left hand to place on Merlin right shoulder, now having both hands holding firm on Merlin. It was a sign of comfort, of security. Arthur rested his forehead on Merlin's as they breathed each other's air heavily being so close to each other. When Arthur responded, his tone was hoarse too. “You _do_ have me, Merlin. It may not be in the way that you want, but you do have _me_. And maybe you need to get use to the fact that you _had_ everything that you wanted before, but you just didn't notice, and _deal_ with it now.”

 

It was a reminder that Merlin needed to accept what he had now, and that he _needed_ to work through it. It was a reminder that Merlin still needed to _face_ the things that he was running away from. It was a reminder that there was plenty blame to go around. It was also a reminder that Arthur was there all along, that he was _still_ there, and Merlin just didn't/couldn't see it. It was a reminder that everything wasn't going to just magically fall into Merlin's lap now, just because he wanted it to. That he wasn't going to _conveniently_ have everything he wanted, as he had it before. That life...didn't _work_ that way, even if Merlin did everything before to live like it actually did to protect himself. And how did Merlin get all of that from what Arthur said? He didn't know.

 

**

 

**Apologies**

 

“I'm sorry,” Merlin said honestly, as they sat across from each other again on the couch, legs propped up beneath them, facing each other.

 

Arthur shook his head, tone and expression open and honest. “It's not your fault. I blamed you, for missing the signs before. But it was my fault. It was all my fault. I should have _told_ you.”

 

Merlin shook his head, he didn't see it that way anymore, at least not all of it. Even though it would have been nice to be told. “It's not your fault for falling in love Arthur. No one has a say in that.” Merlin shook his head again while licking his lips, and looking at Arthur. His tone was just as open as Arthur's.

 

Arthur followed the motion of Merlin licking his lips before averting his eyes. He took his right hand and fingers and ran them through his hair again before shaking his head. His eyes were still soft and open, his voice, full of regret as he thought of ways that could have changed their situation in the past. “I should have told you. I could have tried harder not to fall for you. I should have done something. I should have moved out, or bought you another flat. Anything than feel the pain from all of this.”

 

Merlin moved other to the other side of the couch, and propped his legs underneath him still. He just wanted to get closer to Arthur. They were inches away from each other now. Merlin didn't want him to regret what he thinks Arthur is regretting. His eyes and tone were gentle when he responded. “I can't _say_ that I would have wanted you _not_ to fall in love with me. That would be a lie. I regret...that...I didn't _know_ about it. That I didn't _see_. And that I missed you going through what you went through without having your best friend around to support you.”

 

Arthur's eyes watered, his tone turned stricken as he responded, “you couldn't have -”

 

But Merlin was having none of that as he shook his head, before clinching his jaw, and grabbing both of Arthur's hands to place in his own. He tone, was sure, gentle, as he responded, “I could have. If I knew.”

 

And Arthur shook his head too, expression and tone turned broken, his eyes were still watering as he responded. “You didn't want to _know_ , Merlin. You didn't _see_. If you didn't even think my romantic gestures were something more than friendship then you weren't _ready_ to accept my feelings.”

 

“Arthur -” Merlin tried, his expression crestfallen.

 

But Arthur wasn't finished. His tone and expression was still broken, as he continued. “Be _honest_ with yourself Merlin. We already established that you can see _some_ feelings. You weren't _ready_ to accept mine. And the only reason why you did was because you didn't want me to leave when I did. Your emotions broke through because they were forced to.”

 

And there was nothing Merlin could say to make Arthur believe anything different.

 

**

 

**Sex**

 

“What am I going to do? You expect me not so have sex _at all_ , but yet your not going to give me any either?” Merlin asked as they sat across from each other on the couch again, legs propped beneath them and facing each other. Merlin couldn't help but ask, this was already the longest he's gone without sex in years, and Arthur wasn't planning on giving him any either.

 

Arthur flushed but it disappeared quickly. He raised a brow. His tone was teasing when he responded with a half grin. “You know, I think you've been conditioned for sex. This might be a good _change_ for you.”

 

Merlin looked flabbergasted. “Change for _me_. How could _you_ do it?” And wasn't that nice, Arthur said he was conditioned. He went from busy to being conditioned instead of just saying what Will said. He was so sweet.

 

Arthur flushed slightly again, and he was teasing this time, as his eyes sparkled. “I don't need sex like you do, Merlin.” Arthur loves sex, he just doesn't have to _have_ sex to survive, like _some_ people do. But Arthur kept his thoughts to himself.

 

And Merlin knew that he was screwed, but he had to ask. “When's the last time you _had_ sex?” Merlin asked, right brow raised, tone pitiful all of a sudden because he knew he was in for a long wait, but still having a problem following how Arthur could _survive_ without sex.

 

Arthur shrugged, with a grin, eyes gentle. “It's been a while...” Arthur didn't feel comfortable giving up that piece of information. And it wasn't that he hadn't had the opportunities, it just wasn't the _right_ opportunities.

 

Merlin still wasn't following. The thought of not being able to have sex for the unforeseen future was...disturbing for Merlin. And he couldn't see how Arthur could go without it, for whatever amount of time that he missed it for. “What, was there no one available?” Merlin pressed.

 

 _He really was oblivious._ It was cute, Arthur thought. Depending on what he was being oblivious about.

 

Arthur shrugged again, and raised his left brow. “Apparently, I was the fool who was waiting...for you.” And that was all that Merlin was going to get from Arthur. At least...for the night.

 

Merlin's brows did a neat impression of Gaius, and he only hoped Arthur didn't wait that long, and since Arthur wasn't giving anything else...Merlin was resigned with the fact that he was indeed _screwed_ , because if Arthur could wait that long he could definitely, no hands down, out wait Merlin. Yes, Merlin was screwed.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A penny for your thoughts.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in this, I have the flu. I've been trying to work on both of my stories, and my prompts and the flu just did not want to work with me, shooting all my carefully laid plans into the dust. I wanted to thank each of you for your wonderful reviews. It continues to encourage me and it inspires me to push myself further. I love reading your thoughts and perspective on this story! If I haven't responded to your reviews from the last chapter yet I will be shortly.
> 
> This chapter is unbeta'd. If you see anything please feel free to point it out and I will make the necessary corrections. With that being said, I hope you enjoy the chapter.

 

“Arthur!” Hunith exclaimed as soon as she opened up her front door.

 

And Arthur smiled, before responding in kind, tone gentle. “Hunith, how've you been? It's a been a long time.” And Arthur wasn't lying. It's been at the very least six months since he's seen Hunith last. And in those six months she'd looked like she aged ten years. She was still beautiful but Arthur was able to see more gray streaks running through her hair and more bag lines took residence under her eyes. There were even wrinkle lines surrounding her mouth, frown lines it seemed, though that was odd because those were where her laugh lines had been before.

 

“That it has my boy,” Hunith said happily as she pulled Arthur down for a big hug, “that it has. Now come in and out from the cold. I just made a big pot of chicken soup, some tea, and some crescent rolls. We can eat first and talk later.” And Hunith meant that, because just as quickly as Arthur assessed her, she was assessing Arthur in his baggy dark blue hoodie and stonewashed baggy blue jeans. She knew what she heard from Will, Morgana, and the rest of their friends, but seeing...seeing is believing. And Arthur looked like he'd dropped a good twenty pounds if not more. It was his continuing to work out and his clothing choices that threw people off on his weight loss, but it was coming all the more clear now, even with his work out routines. He had bags under his eyes that was covered with purple marks. His hair did not seem nearly as healthy and shiny as it used to be, and neither did his skin. He was just as handsome as always, and if you didn't know him any better – and really was not paying attention - you would have assumed he was just extremely tired, but if you did really know him, and if you were paying attention.... Arthur wouldn't have been able to hide this from Uther if he saw him right now, not even if he wanted to. It felt like he was trembling lightly in her arms, and his eyes didn't seem as focused as she pulled him down for a hug.

 

Just thinking about all of that food made Arthur's stomach feel like it was setting up lines of defense to block the food from entering as his stomach started tying into knots simultaneously. And Arthur knew for a fact that Hunith would be like Morgana, attempting to make him eat as much as possible. Arthur inwardly cringed. His outer expression however, remained his normal charming self. He smiled. “That would be lovely,” Arthur said as he crossed over the threshold - Hunith closing the door behind him - and took off his black leather trenchcoat, which Hunith grabbed immediately to hang up on the coat rack. Arthur eyes ran a coup d'oeil around the living room and from what he could see of the kitchen and the hallway. “Is Gaius around? I was hoping to speak with him too.”

 

Hunith's eyes widened as she turned to her left to look at Arthur as they walked into the kitchen. It wasn't a surpise when someone would want both she and Gaius present. It was easier than having to repeat things all over again. Hunith shook her head as she continued to walk, “No, no he is not actually. In fact, he's gone to see your father today. Something about having lunch at the mansion.” The last sentence sounding like a question. “It was rather sudden.” Hunith finished as they made it to the kitchen with a slight shake of her head.

 

Arthur's eyes widened just the same as he bit down on his bottom lip and a ran his tongue over the meat there. Arthur shrugged for Hunith's sake. He kept his tone neutral but their was some tension there. “It does sound rather odd. I would have assumed that father would have been at work, especially with my being off. But I haven't been there in a while so I'm a bit out of the loop.” Arthur finished with a small smile that he was certainly not feeling at the second. He needed to know what was going on. It was hard to keep up pretenses when he had no idea what to protect himself from, and he was due to see his father soon. Morgana had stressed that point more than once along with saying that their father was asking about him. Arthur's chest tightened some just thinking about it.

 

Hunith smiled at Arthur as they made it to the kitchen and at the six seater white wood kitchen table. She gestured for Arthur to take the seat at the head of the table, as she went to grab the bowls, saucers, and cups for the their soup, crescent rolls and tea. “Well I'm sure that everything's fine.” Hunith said with all of the confidence that she could muster, but didn't quite feel. Gaius was acting pretty _off_ for the past few days. Ever since Will paid his last visit and updated them on both Merlin and Arthur's conditions. And he was particularly spooked when he learned that Arthur had contemplated suicide, and apparently, more than once. So spooked in fact, that he froze and his skin paled instantly. Like Jacob Marley's ghost on A Christmas Carol. Hunith asked him what was wrong several times, but he only tried to shake her off telling her that he was fine, and that there was nothing to worry about. Even trying to keep her head in the sand to not see the horrors around her could not stop her from seeing that something was wrong with her brother. But Gaius was a man of many secrets, he'd tell her if and _when_ it was necessary for her to hear it.

 

Arthur detected a twinge of nervousness in Hunith's voice and realized that he wasn't seeing things wrongly either. Something must be up. He'll have to contact Morgana and soon to see if she's heard anything. For now, he really needed to speak with Hunith, but first... _lunch_. He hadn't even had breakfast!

 

It didn't take but a few minutes before they were settled at the kitchen table with soup, crescent rolls, and tea. Hunith evaluating how much food Arthur was taking in. Arthur managed half of his chicken soup, a crescent roll, and his cup of tea before saying that he was absolutely stuffed and that he couldn't take in another bite if he tried of Hunith's delicious meal. And this was in the time that Hunith took to eat _all_ of her food, to clean up, and to go back to the table to watch him. Hunith inwardly shook her head. This was the Arthur who would have eaten her out of house and home years ago, and now... But she couldn't say anything, because she knew that Arthur still had his pride just from looking at him, and she knew that he didn't come around just for the soup. Even if he needed it. Eating and taking care of himself was what she didn't have to worry about where Merlin was concerned. He would make sure that he took care of himself and he didn't suffer from depression. But she understood enough about depression to know that none of this was intentional for Arthur. He didn't ask for any of it, no more than Merlin asked for his disorders. She got up, and grabbed his bowl, saucer, and tea cup with a smile, before saying, “I'm glad you liked it. Why don't you head on off to the living room. I'll just clean this up quickly and I'll be right out in a few minutes.”

 

Arthur nodded in acquiesces, before sincerely saying, “thank you, Hunith. The lunch was delicious.” And Arthur wasn't lying, he knew Hunith would have made an excellent chicken soup – he's had it before over the years, he just...wasn't able to appreciate it now.

 

Hunith beamed at Arthur. “Flattery will get you everywhere, Pendragon, now head on off to the living room.” She finished as she waved her right hand in the direction of the doorway that led to the living room.

 

Arthur chuckled and shook his head, before responding, “will do,” as he headed off towards the living room. Atmosphere still tense from the moment he walked in the front door. Arthur only wondered if it was just him feeling it.

 

It wasn't.

 

**

 

Hunith was settled beside Arthur ten minutes later, the glass coffee table holding two glasses of milk and chocolate biscuits. “So, what I can do for you, Arthur?” Hunith asked, though she had the feeling that Arthur was coming to her for Merlin's sake and not his own. It was a rare occasion for Arthur to ask anything for himself. That maybe because there wasn't much that he didn't already have but it didn't matter. Arthur didn't have a selfish bone in his body. He constantly put his friends and family first, and then Merlin. Merlin was first before it all. It was always Merlin for him, and what he could do for her son. It was lovely to see how well loved her son had been, how well Arthur looked after him, if only it weren't making Arthur sick right now. The only positive thing out of all of this was the fact that Merlin wasn't able to repress his painful emotions any longer. That he had to face it. Oh, and maybe the fact that he's finally able to see Arthur differently. If he understands those feelings yet.

 

There was nothing positive that happened in this scenario for Arthur. Not if you're trying to move on and the person you're trying to move on from after seven years all of a sudden says that they want you. It didn't help Arthur's recovery now. It could only draw him backwards instead of pulling him forwards if he weren't careful, and she knew, where Merlin was concerned...he wouldn't be careful. Not without someone looking out for him, and she understands that this is where Morgana comes in. Merlin is a lot stronger than Arthur on that front, and after having a life-time of maintaining control to protect himself...he would definitely do it now to keep himself from getting hurt. Psychotherapy won't be able to take that part of Merlin away, Merlin will have to work on those tendencies himself as he begins to look out for others. Hunith thought that Merlin would have helped Arthur's recovery originally, along with himself. She really did, but she didn't know how severe Arthur's condition was at the time. How far his depression had gotten. And Merlin has to get better too. They _both_ , had to get better. She didn't know if it would be possible trying to get better while together, it wouldn't benefit them. And she knows her son is stubborn and that he wants what he wants, he may not see reason right now, and Morgana stated that Arthur doesn't see reason where Merlin is involved sacrificing himself every time. Merlin is the stronger of the two in that scenario. Merlin would have to see that Arthur would need some distance from him, but he would have to _want_ to see it. Or Arthur would have to get stronger to _see_ it. Merlin is doing a lot better, that she knows, but she also knows how much he depends on Arthur as a fixture in his life. She doesn't know how well he would manage without that fixture, or if he would be willing to try to see how he would be able to manage without it. If he would allow Arthur the time to get better. She knows that Morgana wants her to talk to Merlin about this, but hell on anyone if Merlin has made up his mind on something, it will not easily be changed. Hunith sighed internally. There had to be a way for both of the boys to be happy. _Healthy_ , and happy. And Merlin's lived a life time thinking he was happy but never experiencing what true happiness was really like, only the temporal. It would be nice to see him content in himself and in life, without building walls to protect himself from hurt and harm.

 

Arthur - unaware of Hunith's thoughts - turned slightly to his right to better face Hunith in his seat before saying, “I wanted to speak with you about Merlin.”

 

Hunith nodded giving a gentle smile, before responding, “I figured as much.”

 

Arthur nodded in turn. “Have you spoken to Merlin recently?”

 

Hunith shook her head, wringing her hands together slightly, “no, no I haven't since our psychotherapy sessions. I gathered that he didn't want to speak with me right now and we've been kept well informed of everything by Will and Morgana of you two's conditions. I knew that he wasn't alone and I wanted to give him some time to come to grips with things.”

 

Arthur sighed, he figured as much in thinking that they have been informed of him. He really didn't want many people to know of his condition. The less people who knew, the less of a chance the information had to making it back to his father. He tensed immediately at the thought and swallowed hard before continuing, with a slight strain in his voice. “He misses you.”

 

That startled Hunith some. The last she'd seen of Merlin he was very upset and it felt like he blamed her for everything. Like it was her hand that hit her baby boy herself. Those sessions still broke her heart every time she thought about it. Especially since she blamed herself for everything anyway. For not being there, for not noticing, and for not getting Merlin the help he needed earlier—even when he swore everything was fine. She tried to sound normal, taking the shock out of her voice while keeping her expression neutral as she responded. “I miss him too. I was just trying to give him some space.”

 

Arthur had a feeling of what space really meant, but the only person in this scenario who was required to have space was the only person who continued going right back into the lion's den because no one else wanted to follow. With the exception of Will and Mithian. “Look, Hunith. I know you haven't been to see Merlin since you had your psychotherapy visits together but it is extremely important for Merlin to have all of the support that is possible right now. He doesn't need to feel isolated or alone, and he needs to be surrounded by people whom he can trust. People whom he can confide in as he's confronted by his fears.” _People who love him_ , was also unsaid but clear.

 

Hunith hesitated. The only two people she could see her son truly confiding in was Dr. Monmouth and Arthur. Dr. Monmouth, because he is Merlin's psychotherapist. Arthur, because he was the one that triggered Merlin's emotions returning. He _would_ speak to Arthur, especially if he thought he might lose Arthur if he didn't. Hunith understands this because Merlin buried his painful feelings a long time ago and that was not something he would want to share with anyone about. Including her, especially since he blames for her some of those said problems, and because he knows that she blames herself in turn. It would make Merlin feel too exposed and vulnerable. She suspected that was why he continued to deny needing help for all of these years. She didn't want to tell Arthur that. Arthur didn't _need_ to know that. His recovery was just as important. Their situations were extremely different, but Arthur's condition is serious and she couldn't overlook that. And she knew that if Arthur felt like he needed to put his own health aside, his own _life_ aside, if he felt that was the only way for Merlin to get better...he would do it. And that would not be fair to him, and no one should be asking him of that. As much as she would like to say what her boy needs, she knows that once Merlin does get better he would blame himself for losing his best friend in the process if Arthur's recovery went to the point of no return. If it was done because of him, which it would be, in Merlin's mind. No, she couldn't say that to Arthur. Her eyes glazed over, and her tone was a little light as she replied. “Has Merlin told you that he wanted company?”

 

Not in so many words, Arthur thought to himself, before saying about the same thing out loud. “He didn't have to. He went from having all of his friends one minute and not having a bit of recollection of the things he's buried in the past to having all of the memories and having no friends and family to support him.”

 

Hunith winced, her own guilt clear in her expression.

 

Arthur paused and used his right forefinger and thumb to press the bridge of his nose. “Give or take a few.” Arthur grimaced. “Hunith, I understand that you were giving Merlin time, but...in his situation he needs support, he needs to know there are people around for him, even if he pushes them away. He needs to know that the option is available for him to have. Even if you give him a call or stop by, _something_ , something to make him feel like he means something, like he's still a part of it all and that no one hates him.”

 

“Arthur, I love my son.” Hunith said, almost in defense.

 

Arthur's eyes widened, tone contrite, “I never doubted that for one moment. I'm only saying that now is the time for everyone to band together in support for Merlin. It's not about our wants or needs but what Merlin needs at this time.”

 

“And what about you, Arthur. You can't actually be there but in so many ways can you? Morgana told me about the recommendations given by your therapist, technically you're not supposed to be there at all if you hope to get better.”

 

Arthur swallowed, thinking about his and Merlin's last conversation and how he tried to explain his recovery to Merlin but managed to get no where but signed up for two dates a week, something Nimueh was livid about upon hearing.

 

“ _Arthur, in order for you to recover you have to let go of your dependency on Merlin, you have to get your own identity back. And that means you have to distance yourself from Merlin as much as possible. That means you shouldn't be spending nights there and you certainly shouldn't be planning on going out on dates with him, it will only undo everything that we have accomplished so far.”_

 

_And Arthur thought about Merlin's suggestion after they talked for the evening, “maybe we should try joint therapy.” Arthur didn't know that Merlin was trying to find another way of getting as much time with Arthur as possible away from his sister and away from his friends._

 

_Nimueh did not like the suggestion one bit though. Her blue eyes started blazing as she paced her office floor, and Arthur shrunk back in his seat as she rambled on. “I can see how it would benefit your friend, to an extent, but how exactly would it benefit you?”_

 

_Arthur couldn't answer that question. It was a good thing that he didn't have to as Nimueh went on._

 

“ _I'll tell you how, it wouldn't benefit you Arthur. It wouldn't benefit you one bit. The more you involve yourself with Merlin the more dependent you will become and the more your identity, your will, will become sucked up in his own. And if he loved you as much as he claims he would see that, he would take the time to consider what is beneficial for the both of you, and not only for himself.” It made her sad, it really did, seeing how far Arthur had come. Feeling like she'd seen it all through Morgana's eyes and through Arthur's sessions, and knowing that Arthur is not thinking of his own life one teeny tiny bit. That he is relying on someone who is not thinking about Arthur's life at all. Nimueh would never advise anything that wasn't professional, and she doesn't know Merlin well enough to judge but the results are there. If he cared, that wouldn't have been a suggestion. If he cared about Arthur's recovery he wouldn't have been so adamant about dating - he would wait, if he cared about Arthur's recovery he would have let Arthur have the time needed to recover. At least she got Arthur to bring the number of dates from two to one times a week. He really didn't need any, but Arthur isn't thinking about himself and what he needs to recover._

 

 _Arthur's eyes were glossy, his tone was pained when he responded._ “ _He needs support, Nimueh, I can't leave him like this.”_

 

 _Nimueh closed her eyes and sighed as she stopped pacing and sat back in her chair to look at Arthur. Her tone full of compassion, but firm._ “ _Then find him the support, and make sure that it's not all you. Otherwise, there may be a good chance that you might not make it through when this is all over.”_

 

Which led Arthur next to thinking about his phone call with Gwaine on the way over to Hunith's.

 

“ _No one's mad at him, Arthur. Sure they wished they could have told him what they were thinking. Sure they wished that he didn't attack Morgana at the pub blaming her for having to take you away from him for your own recovery's sake. Sure they wished they didn't stop speaking with him instead telling him how they felt. Something they're not use to doing because they're use to letting Merlin have his own way, despite if his own way was selfish at the time. They are upset Arthur, that he didn't seem to care one bit that you were contemplating suicide, that you lost all of that weight, that you were breaking down all around us, and still, his only concern was you being taken away from_ him _instead of your well-being for your recovery.”_

 

_Arthur sighed. “This is not about me, Gwaine, this is about Merlin.”_

 

“ _And we understand that too, Princess, but the fact of the matter is Merlin did not show the signs of a friend that cared about another friend in that instance. Let alone someone he claimed to be in love with so the lot was upset with that and you can't really blame them for how they felt.”_

 

“ _Gwaine! I need your help here!” Arthur shrieked._

 

“ _And I'm trying Princess, but if you think you're going to get an apology out of all of them you've got another thing coming.”_

 

“ _They've abandoned him.” Arthur responded, frustrated._

 

 _Gwaine was unrepentant. “And they can say that he's done the same to them. When Merlin was too busy on a date to be there for Vivian and Elyan's first miscarriage, the birth of_ your _niece Arthur, or not to even notice that you're ill, and even now, now that he knows he's still pushing you to do things against your own recovery.”_

 

“ _He didn't push me Gwaine.” Arthur denied immediately._

 

“ _Arthur,” Gwaine's tone turned very serious. “Did you explain to Merlin everything about your condition, what it entails, and what's needed for your recovery?”_

 

_Arthur used his right forefinger and thumb to press the bridge of his nose and winced, “yes.” Knowing exactly where this line of questioning was going._

 

“ _And who's idea was it for you two to date?”_

 

“ _His.”_

 

“ _And did you automatically say yes?”_

 

“ _No.”_

 

“ _Did he even once mention your health in his pushing you to date?”_

 

“ _No.”_

 

_Gwaine spoke in victory. “And that Arthur, is why the lot is upset. You're not looking out for yourself and the one person who could be looking out for you in the same way that you are looking out for him happens to be looking after himself.”_

 

_Arthur groaned, before saying.“You sound like Morgana.”_

 

_Gwaine's tone softened. “No, this isn't your sister. This is me, sitting on the sidelines and watching, seeing things that may not have been noticed, and you my friend, have it bad. You have all of the warning signs that your therapist said you had, and unless you distance yourself from Merlin some you will never see it. Your too dependent on him to notice, and your not putting your own recovery first or even second. Like Merlin is probably doing for himself.”_

 

“ _I know that you mentioned Merlin not being there for the sad things but his condition causes him to block away from things too painfully close to what he's dealt with in the past. Vivian and Elyan may have been too much for him.” And even as Arthur said that he knew that Gwaine would chop his defense to bits._

 

_Gwaine sighed. “I'll give you that. But what about your niece, a birth is supposed to be a happy time isn't that right?”_

 

“ _He's not perfect, Gwaine.” Arthur admonished._

 

_Gwaine huffed in disbelief. “No one's perfect, Arthur. We aren't either. We're not even judging him, we're only worried that he's going to take you some place that we can't pull you back from.”_

 

_Arthur shook his head, and after remembering Gwaine wouldn't be able to see that on the telephone responded,“let me worry about that.”_

 

_Gwaine winced.“And we would, if it didn't affect us all, and if we didn't love you so much. And don't think we don't love Merlin too. Because we do. Each of us knows about his condition, how he's been doing, and that he's had visitors everyday. We knew that he wasn't alone. And it's not like he returned any of our calls, and I made it a point to tell Merlin to contact me whenever he needed someone to talk to.”_

 

“ _Merlin doesn't know all of that Gwaine. He's seeing things differently right now and he's blaming himself for everything even though he knows everything is not his fault.”_

 

“ _No, everything is not Merlin's fault, I agree. And no one blames him for everything. In fact, the questions are coming from what's happening now, while Merlin does have his emotions, while some are about how he missed your obvious depression in the past. And as far as everything else goes...Merlin would know how much everyone loved him if he took the time to think about it. If he wasn't on the defense thinking everyone was out to get him when we're not. It's not all about him here. Even at the pub, the last day most of us saw him, no one pushed him away or judged him. Our only requests were to put himself in your shoes for a moment, and to make sure – before playing with you – that you were in fact what he wanted.”_

 

“ _He's quite certain that I am.” Arthur chuckled._

 

“ _We know that. Even though that doesn't mean that he's taken the time to truly think about it. It could just mean that his mind is set, whether he's thought it through or not. And what would that mean for you once he's confronted everything and is at peace with himself, as much as he can be, only to turn around to say that he didn't think it through properly to begin with?” Gwaine sighed. “We wanted him not to play with you so early on in your recovery until he knew for certain, and pushing you out on dates doesn't sound like someone keen on your recovering and being less dependent of him.”_

 

_Arthur sighed. “I think he feels if I am recovered fully, he might lose me.”_

 

_Gwaine tsked.“And that's what love is about. If you love something, set it free, if it is yours it will come back to you, if it doesn't, it never was. I did the same thing to your sister and eventually she came around--”_

 

_Arthur groaned, tone admonishing.“Gwaine, really?”_

 

_Gwaine went on as if uninterrupted.“--The point is, he has to let you go if he really wants to keep you, otherwise it will always be like he's putting himself first and like he doesn't care about you. And whether you see it or not, if he doesn't let you go to recover instead of pressuring you, you're going to end up resenting him for how slow your recovery has progressed. Your going to end up hating him if you don't recover at all. And if he doesn't let you go enough to allow it, he may end up with dependency issues the same as you. If you want a healthy relationship you both need some time apart.”_

 

_Arthur winced.“What are trying to give Nimueh a run for her money?”_

 

_Gwaine huffed.“No, but I'm trying to help two good friends that don't see that they could be the detriment to the other unless they take it slow.”_

 

_Arthur sighed._

 

_And so did Gwaine, before he continued, tone resigned. “I'll talk to the lot again. If anything we can also get support for Merlin while giving you a break at the same time to aid in your recovery. And we do miss him, it's not like we don't, but we wanted to give him some space too. But Morgana's right too Arthur, you shouldn't be there half as much as you are. I do understand that Merlin will need you some, but spending the night, the dates, those parts are too much for you. There has to be something that can be done that doesn't hinder one of you from recovering in the process, and what's needed for your recovery doesn't seem like it's standing in the way from Merlin's progress. It sounds like it's more for his own personal reasons alone.”_

 

_And Arthur didn't know what to say._

 

_But he tried anyway.“You all sound like I have no control over the situation, of my own choices where Merlin is concerned.” Arthur said exasperated._

 

_Gwaine's tone was incredulous.“Can you honestly say that you do? Because if you did everyone would leave you alone, well as alone as one could get when they have a big sister named Morgana, but we would give you more space because you wouldn't agree to something because you felt forced to do it or bullied into a decision because you're too in love to say no.”_

 

_And what could Arthur say to that that wouldn't be considered a lie when he would do anything for Merlin including be there for him against his doctor's orders. A doctor who was right in recommending space was necessary when there's a dependency issue on someone else, especially when that someone else is someone you are in love with? Absolutely nothing, that's what! Arthur thought to himself. Instead he reiterated. “Gwaine, this isn't about me, this is about Merlin, mistakes or no mistakes he is still our friend and he deserves our support.”_

 

_And Gwaine did not miss the fact that Arthur didn't answer the question. He sighed. “I'll get Morgana to round the lot up together and we'll talk about it then._

 

Which led him right back to where he was right now, with Hunith. Arthur sighed while using his right hand and fingers to run through his hair. “I'm trying to do the best that I can do in this situation. No one knew Merlin had a disorder, and the knowledge of it didn't come to light until my breakdown. It wasn't planned out, no one asked for it, but here it is. I'm just trying to do the best I can for my friend.” Arthur neglected to say that they could have had an idea if they were only _informed_ , but he was tired of the blame game, it wasn't about blame anymore. Though he wasn't naïve enough to not see that you have to recognize your own faults in order to truly move on.

 

Hunith smiled proudly at Arthur, her tone mirroring her smile. “You've always been there, looking after my boy. If it wasn't you, it was Will, but it was always you somewhere in there from the day you two met.”

 

Arthur didn't know how all of this was relevant to what he needed for Merlin now but he allowed it.

 

Hunith smile dimmed and she shook her head lightly, tone gentle, as she continued. “I would never leave my son to suffer Arthur. I know from experience that Merlin needs time on his own to deal with things and so I granted him that while still keeping myself informed of his progress. You needn't worry, Gaius and I will go to see Merlin shortly. In fact, I'll give him a call today.”

 

“Thank you,” Arthur said, surprised, not knowing it would be that easy.

 

“But you must do me a favor too, Arthur.” Hunith said as he turned to her left to look at Arthur head on.

 

Maybe, not that easy.

 

“Yes,” Arthur said, tone soft.

 

“You must take care of yourself in all of this too. Despite how Merlin may be acting right now I know for a fact that he cares deeply for you. If something were to happen to you because you've been sacrificing yourself for his well-being I doubt he would ever forgive himself for that.” Hunith said in all seriousness.

 

Arthur swallowed hard. He wasn't picking that up from Merlin. It seemed like Merlin was trying to hold on to a guarantee that he himself couldn't give without lying, but he didn't say anything against Hunith. Maybe Merlin does care about his personal well-being and Arthur hasn't seen it yet. Arthur mentally shook his head because he _hasn't_ seen it yet but somehow he hasn't moved away from Merlin either, instead navigating still in his orbit to be pulled in by the force. The force of love. Which Arthur is beginning to realize is the most dangerous force out there. Arthur only wished he was strong enough to pull away some more, and to be able to stand firm with Merlin instead of allowing himself to be pushed into decisions that he has no business being pushed into. Sure he manages quite well standing up to Nimueh and even Morgana if needbe, but when it comes to Merlin... He'd say he was whipped, but...they haven't even had sex yet! And even with Nimueh, he couldn't get away with everything. But at least he still managed to stand his ground with the lake-house and having at least one date a week with Merlin unless he regresses more, or loses more weight. Apparently he lost four of the six pounds he'd gained since his return. It wasn't looking good at the moment, and Nimueh thought it was proving her point because the only thing different about his coming home was being back in the presence of Merlin. Considering the fact that Arthur spoke with everyone else while he was away.

 

Arthur tried explained what his recovery entailed to Merlin, and more than once. Merlin wasn't listening to him when they spoke. He couldn't see pass the dating. Not to mention it wasn't like Merlin was big on sharing, he still wasn't speaking about his own painful memories yet. They'll be at it until next year if Merlin doesn't start talking soon. And Arthur doesn't think he would be able to survive that long. But for Hunith... Arthur responded in kind, his tone gentle, sure, “I will do my best.” Arthur only hoped that he could.

 

**

 

“Why exactly have you called us all here, Arthur?” Freya asked.

 

Arthur's chest tightened. It was his second confrontation in one day. Third if you counted his phone conversation with Gwaine, and Arthur counted it. Arthur's tone was tense as he responded. “I wanted to talk with you all about Merlin.”

 

Morgana wasn't saying anything but in this meeting she took a seat at Arthur's side. Arthur knew that she wouldn't let him drown alone. It didn't mean she had his back though. It just meant she wouldn't let him drown.

 

“Is Merlin alright?” Gwen asked worriedly, chewing her bottom lip.

 

Arthur was quick to reassure, well...in the best way that he could. “He's doing fine, for the most part. He's been dealing with his nightmares and the things from his past, he's...struggling, but he's doing fine.”

 

Lance nodded. “Okay, what is it that you need, Arthur?”

 

“I wanted us to put aside whatever differences we have where Merlin is concerned, to support him, to let him know that he's not alone.” Arthur replied.

 

“No one's angry with him, Arthur. Well...we are upset with the way attacked Morgana at the pub in saying that she was only trying to take you away from him instead of it being about your much needed recovery from your breakdown, which he didn't seem to think was relevant.” Vivian said, her tone was firm but true, while rubbing her belly with her left hand. Her glass of apple juice in her right.

 

“She was only trying to look out for you,” Elena added with a small smile.

 

And Arthur understood this, his sister would _always_ look out for him, that's what sister's are for. And he loves his sister fiercely. He used his left hand to extend to Morgana's right. She took it instinctively and squeezed it. It gave Arthur strength. Comforted him even, as it always has to give him the strength that he needed to continue. His tone was soft as he continued. “I know, and I am grateful for it. But this is not about me at the moment, this is about our friend who thinks everyone hates him at the moment.”

 

“We don't hate Merlin, Arthur.” Elyan's eyes widened, quick to defend. Though it was clear that there was a lot of things going unsaid, for Arthur's benefit.

 

It didn't have to be said, Gwaine had said it all earlier.

 

Will, Mithian, and Sophia said nothing. They sat in support, knowing this conversation was not for them. They've been with Merlin since the beginning trying to support him, and they've never left Arthur without support either.

 

Arthur grimaced and used his right hand and fingers to run through his hair. “You may not hate him right now but all Merlin sees is his friends that he's had for years abandoning him. He hasn't said anything about being blamed for anything. He seems to be blaming himself, although, he hasn't processed everything yet. But what he is clear about is his feelings of feeling hated right now.”

 

Leon shook his head, his tone was soft when he spoke. “We could never hate him, Arthur. In fact, we told him we would be there for him, if he wanted us to be. I personally only told him to make sure that it was you that he truly wanted. Seeing you go through what you went through only for him to later say that he was wrong in his feelings would only devastate you later.”

 

Everyone nodded at that. It was something that they all seemed to agree on.

 

Arthur swallowed. “And I understand, and I'm grateful to all of you but as I told my sister,” Arthur turned to his left to glance at Morgana. She looked at him in turn with a small smile. “The best way to support me in all of this would be to support us both.”

 

And even though Sophia had no fault or blame in any of this it was Sophia who broke the ice, tone expectant. “What would you have us to do Arthur?”

 

And Arthur's heart warmed in that instance because he could finally see progress.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A penny for your thoughts.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to start off by thanking all of you for sending in such wonderful reviews. It continues to encourage and inspire me to get these chapters posted quickly, and to keep pushing myself a little bit more. I love reading your thoughts and perspective on this story! If I haven't responded to you yet, I will be shortly.
> 
> This is another mammoth of chapters, which is why I didn't post over the past few days. I wanted to cover as many things as possible so there wouldn't be much left before the trip. So you will get to see a lot of different scenes with a lot of different things happening to both Merlin and Arthur. This is basically three, possibly four chapters, and will be the chapter for tomorrow too. This chapter is also unbeta'd. I read through it several times, but it doesn't mean that I didn't miss anything. If you see it, please point it out and I will make the necessary corrections accordingly. With that being said, I hope you enjoy the chapter!

 

“Merlin,” Arthur called out, as he entered the front door of his second flat.

 

“I'm changing Arthur, I'll be right out,” Merlin called back.

 

Arthur didn't respond, as he hung up his black leather trench coat in the closet. When he finished doing so he went to the refrigerator to help himself to a bottle of water, before going into the living room to cut on the telly. He flipped through the channels deciding on Sherlock for some background noise, while still finding the show remotely interesting as he waited for Merlin. Despite the stress of the day he couldn't have been any more happier with the outcome. He managed to get Hunith to reach out to Merlin again despite whether or not he would push her away, and managed to get the lot to do the same as well. The lot decided that phone calls would be a good place to start. It would open up the lines of communication again while still showing Merlin that they cared, and were concerned about his well-being. And after the phone calls the communication lines would be open for appearances, and invites out, which would then be welcomed without pushing Merlin too far out of his comfort zone. The next part of the plan was definitely to get Merlin out of the flat more, and that would start with Autumn's play that Merlin had already promised Autumn he would be going to, and by attending Morgana's Annual Christmas Party. The last outing would be the much needed one to two week getaway at the lake-house that Arthur had planned for them both. Though there weren't many if not _any_ agreements that going to the lake-house would be a wise idea. And it wasn't Merlin they were worried about. They were worried about him. Arthur reminded them on the spot that this was not about his own personal well-being but about Merlin's. Though he almost lost his left hand in saying that because Morgana nearly squeezed the life out of it with her right hand in frustration. How she got so strong was beyond him, or was he becoming weaker? He didn't want to think about it. He only thought the sooner Merlin got better, the sooner everything else would be okay. Even though he didn't have many people agreeing with him on that front.

 

Arthur was happier that some progress had been made. He was starting to get discouraged and despite what he said to everyone else he knew he wasn't going to be able to hold out much longer on his own. He wanted to support Merlin, to be strong for him, but he knew that he had to take care of himself too. And Merlin was more than capable to take care of himself--and was doing so. He just needed to feel like he wasn't alone in all of this. And he needed to feel some sort of security in him, something Arthur still wasn't able to give, because he wasn't very secure in himself at the moment. He couldn't promise everything to someone he was completely dependent on already. That would only add to it, or make it worse. He needed time and distance in order to honestly make that decision. Otherwise it would only be a lie, and Arthur was a man of his word. Whatever he promises he tries his best to follow through with. Hence, him not making any promises at the moment for something he is so unsure of until he can gain some stability in himself and in his life.

 

Nimueh told Arthur that he needed to find Merlin more support because it couldn't be all on him and Arthur was able to accomplish just that. Arthur only wondered how Merlin would feel about seeing him less when the time comes. If he would hold it against him, and say that he didn't want to be his friend anymore like he said the first time Arthur broached the topic of distance. Or his attempt to move away, the second time he broach the topic. He didn't know what to expect, and he didn't know how to handle another negative response when he was trying to look out for himself, and Merlin at the same time. He doesn't know if any of this will be acceptable to Merlin. Arthur didn't get the impression that it would be every time he voiced what was needed for his recovery. It was always like the topic was grazed over. But the fact of the matter remains that he is _supposed to be_ following his rules of recovery, and he _hasn't_ been. The fact of the matter remains that he has a new flat that he hasn't spent one night in, because he's been staying with Merlin instead. The fact of the matter is he's been _staying_ with Merlin, and has not distancing himself as he was charged to. The fact of the matter is he was charged to go out, to meet new people, to date new people, to maintain healthy eating habits, to maintain and gain more weight, and to live independently from Merlin. None of which, has he accomplished yet.

 

And it's not only him who's noticed this now but Nimueh has, his nutritionist, and Morgana too. Although, Morgana was more lenient about a lot of it giving him time to gain his bearings again from being away, but after hearing about the weight loss even she wasn't going to allow anymore. Which leaves Arthur right back where he started in not being able to spend the nights at his old flat with Merlin anymore. Arthur understood that Morgana wanted to make sure that he was eating and that he was getting the distance from Merlin that he needed. The only real change from his routine over the past two weeks _was_ that he wasn't in contact with his new friends and that he was spending most of his time with Merlin. There was nothing else to show for the drastic changes aside from those two details, which basically proved Nimueh and Morgana right. Morgana threatened bodily force – and by force she meant she was sending Leon and Percival to Merlin's in order to pick him up - if he didn't return back to the flat that evening, because she didn't think he would _choose_ to on his own if he wasn't _forced_ to. And she didn't want to discuss what she thought Merlin was doing on his end to prevent Arthur from following through in putting himself first. And if anyone had the means and the power to force Arthur to do something...it was her. Arthur inwardly cringed at that. Although it reminded him that he didn't get a chance to speak with Morgana about their father. He still had no idea what was going on, and he felt completely out of the loop. Something that he always hated. The only thing that Arthur did know was that his father had been asking about him - and more than once apparently - and that Gaius went to see him for lunch. He knew nothing more and nothing less. Which left him no where closer to finding out now what was going on than where he was this morning. Arthur's chest tightened again just thinking about it. He had to remember to speak with Morgana about it. And soon.

 

When Merlin came out of his room with a snug fitted white t-shirt and and snug fitting dark blue jeans to match Arthur swallowed. But he kept his composure as Merlin came to sit beside on the couch.

 

“So I got a lot of phone calls today,” Merlin started.

 

Arthur feigned ignorance by raising his left brow, tone light. “Really? Who from?”

 

Merlin was not fooled and his expression showed it as he replied. “From my mum, Lance, Gwen, Leon, Elena, and Percy.”

 

Arthur smiled at that. It was starting. They figured four to five calls between the group at a time, and not all of the calls at once. They didn't want Merlin to feel overwhelmed. “That's great, I told you no one hated you.” Arthur said while using his left hand to punch Merlin lightly on his right arm.

 

It was Merlin's turn to raise a brow. “And you wouldn't have had anything to do with any of those calls right?” Because Merlin wasn't stupid, he could smell a rat on this one.

 

Arthur stilled, his expression and tone was stoic as he replied, “I don't know what your talking about.”

 

Merlin shook his head, he wasn't upset. “It's fine, Arthur. I would have rather _liked_ that they reached out on their own - _without_ your interference - but I'm not upset.”

 

Arthur sighed, his tone was relieved as he spoke. “They were going to reach out anyway, on their own that is.”

 

Merlin closed his eyes for a moment before opening them, and licking his bottom lip. His tone was that of disbelief when he responded. “And when was that going to be?” Merlin asked.

 

And Arthur thought it was best to change their conversation topic. “How was your psychotherapy session today?” He asked instead, curiously.

 

It was Merlin's turn to still then. His tone was nonchalant as he replied. “It was...fine.” Merlin nodded. “I had to explain my reasons for staying instead of going to LA, but Dr. Monmouth was pleased in the turn of events. He thought it would be better for my recovery if I stayed here, considering how far we've gotten already.”

 

Arthur nodded, tone positive, “that's...good. What did you address today? What was your focus?”

 

Merlin swallowed. His eyes grew distant, and his tone was a tad tense as he replied. “We spoke more on the bullying and how I allowed it to affect my life.” Merlin ran his left hand through his hair along with fingers leaving his hair in disarray, and licked his lips before shaking his head and saying, “enough about me, how was your day?”

 

Like he actually dedicated any time speaking of himself to begin with.

 

It didn't take long before Merlin attempted to deflect the topic from himself, changing it to focus on Arthur instead. It happened a lot during their discussions. Arthur just never noticed it before because Merlin was able to do it so swiftly. And once it was done, and you were deep in the change of another discussion, it almost felt too late to return to the abandoned subject at hand. Arthur had to address it this time.

 

Arthur shook his head, his tone was gentle but firm. “Merlin, I promised you that I would offer you support, and that I would be there for you, but...how am I really here for you if you won't even talk to me?”

 

Merlin's eyes widened, and he shook his head trying to reassure instantly, “just you being here for me is supporting me, Arthur.”

 

Arthur's voice turned frustrated and his expression followed suit. “That's not what I meant and you know it. Look, I'm not going to push you into opening up but I'd like to know that you are, that you will that is, and that you won't go back to holding everything in as it suits you just to protect yourself. You told me that you would do whatever it took to recover. You promised me that before. Does that still hold true?”

 

Merlin clinched his jaw, his expression turned stubborn, as he gritted out his response, “yes.”

 

“Then let it hold true by talking to me.” Arthur said imploringly.

 

Merlin sighed and ran both hands over his face, before placing his hands at his sides on the couch. His tone was pleading and his eyes were just a tad glossy as he responded. “I'm getting there, Arthur. I just need some time but...I will open up, and will tell you everything that you need to know.”

 

Arthur's chest lightened just a bit on that. He ran his right hand and fingers through his head as he responded, tone gentle. “This isn't about me, Merlin. This is about you and _your_ recovery. It's not what I need to know, but what you need to get off of your chest in order to deal with your past to see how it's affected your present.”

 

“And a big chunk of that is how it's affected you, Arthur. You _are_ such a major part of my life...” Merlin got up and walked to the window at the far corner of their living room. He spoke quietly. “My deeds have directly affected your life and the lives of our friends, my family, any close co-workers, and anyone else I've held at any importance in my life, but it's affected you the most. I have to come to terms with that.” Merlin finished wistfully while looking out of the window.

 

“No ones blaming you for anything, Merlin.” Arthur said as he watched Merlin looking out the window. His tone remained gentle as he continued. “We only want you to get better.”

 

Merlin shook his head. “You don't _see_ , Arthur. You don't _have to_ blame me for anything. I've seen enough to blame myself. There were so many things that I could have done differently. Things that I could have said. If I wasn't so afraid.” Merlin said in reflection.

 

Arthur wasn't hearing it, quick to reassure, as he got up and walked towards Merlin at the window. “And that's why it's not all of your fault, Merlin. Some of that has to do with your condition.”

 

Merlin laughed painfully. His tone sounded hoarse as he spoke. “And a big chunk of that has to do with me, and I _hate_ that part of myself. Do you think I like to look back to see that I lived like that? Do you think that will leave me fond memories in the future? Do you think I like this new distance between us? The fact that I have basically pushed you away because all of a sudden you're now allergic to me and you you can't be in my presence for so long without having a major allergic reaction?--”

 

“That's not true, Merlin.” Arthur chided.

 

“--How else can you explain it, Arthur?! My _mum_ , someone who hasn't seen you in _months,_ pointed out things to me about you that I haven't noticed half as clearly, and you've been right – here - before me this entire time. And all I've been thinking about is how I don't want to _lose_ you. And what I need to do to _keep_ you. I was so focused on that that I didn't even pay attention enough to notice that you're _still_ losing weight. Just like I missed it the first time!”

 

Arthur flinched. “That's not -” Arthur tried, quick to reassure, quick to defend.

 

“Don't even bother denying it, Arthur.” Merlin said, tone almost resigned. “I called Will after I spoke with my mum earlier and he confirmed it all for me. He told me everything. He spoke to Morgana. But the fact remained that he shouldn't have had to, I should have been able to notice it all for myself. You've been right here! I noticed that you didn't eat enough, but I didn't notice anything else. I needed to see, but I've been so use to protecting myself for so long, so use to looking out for myself that I keep forgetting that there's more to it. That it's not just about my wants – and my needs - not when I want you too.” Merlin shook his head before adding, “and I know about the dates too.”

 

Arthur's eyes widened, startled, alarmed. “I got Nimueh to agree -” Only to get cut off again by Merlin.

 

Merlin grimaced as he looked out the window, watching the children play on the streets. “She didn't _agree_ , Arthur. She had no choice. And that was my fault too. I pushed you into agreeing to those dates to begin with because I didn't want to lose you. I still don't.” Merlin whispered to himself before turning to Arthur and facing him head on. “And I keep thinking _if_ I give in, _if_ I turn away and allow you to date, to _meet_ new people, that you'll forget about me. That you'll fall out of love with me. Because why would you want me if you have so many other choices to choose from? So many other people without a mental illness, without the excess baggage of being abused, and without the history of hurting _you_?”

 

Arthur's eyes watered at that. He took his right forefinger and thumb and pressed the bridge of his nose. When he spoke, his tone was resigned. “You seem to have forgotten something Merlin. You don't get to choose who you fall in love with. And something tells me I've been in love with you a lot longer than the seven years but I just didn't notice it until then. And no, I didn't know about the mental illness or the excess baggage of abuse, but I can honestly tell you that I wouldn't have stopped loving you or _stopped_ loving you any less because of it. You're still you. Your the one I fell in love with. Granted, there were some qualities that weren't the best, but as Morgana put it, I was so blinded by the love aspect that I never noticed. But the qualities that weren't the best are the same qualities that you're working on. We can make it through this Merlin. If we take both of our needs into consideration. Without pushing the other away. That's what I've been trying to say all along.”

 

Merlin only hoped that was true, but he nodded. His tone was curious as he asked, “what did your doctor say?”

 

Arthur sighed and shook his head, but there was nothing that could be lied about or sugar-coated here, he had to respond honestly. “She said I shouldn't be spending the night. That I shouldn't be going out on dates with you because it will only add to my dependency of you, and that I will continue to lose my identity.”

 

Merlin grimaced, and sucked in a breath. Those words felt like a kick to the chest. But he needed to hear it anyway. His tone was hoarse as he asked, “and about your weight loss?”

 

Arthur's eyes watered a little more, his tone was soft as he replied. “She was upset, that I lost four of the six pounds that I gained while I was away.” Upset was actually and understatement but Arthur left it at that.

 

Merlin was staring at him head on and was apparently able to read between the lines of what Arthur didn't say. His next question confirmed it. “And is that because you just _can't_ eat or is it because you don't _want_ to?”

 

And that question made Arthur angry because his eyes were blazing, and his tone was on the defensive as he responded. “I don't want to _hurt_ myself, Merlin! And I try to eat it's just....it's just.... _hard_ , and my stomach feels like it rebels against me when I do. And it's not all of the time. Some days are better than others. Maybe if I ate smaller portions. Like I did when I was away. Six small meals, like Morgana suggested or rather...instructed along with the snacks, that might make the difference. It did while I was away.”

 

And Merlin didn't understand. Granted, he's never _had_ an eating disorder, he has no idea why someone wouldn't eat, or why they would harm themselves. He doesn't know much about depression either. Aside from his studies. And each person is different, though some of the same things may apply for them. Which is why he probably didn't take it as seriously as he should have upon hearing about it. Considering how he's always seen Arthur as being so strong. That, and his own issues blocking his understanding of it. His own blindness in this case. “And why haven't you done that?”

 

Arthur snorted and scowled at Merlin. Like it was so easy. Like he could just decide to make it all go away. Like he could just block everything away like Merlin did for all of these years, deciding certain things were unimportant - irrelevant – like him apparently, since Merlin didn't choose - nor did he want - to fall in love with him in the first place. It didn't quite work that way in Arthur's world, Arthur thought to himself. His tone was painful as he spoke, eyes watered. “Why haven't you opened up yet? It's hard that's why! And this has been a rough few days since I came back. We had a heart to heart, you told me everything was fine, that we were going to be alright, and I woke up the next morning to find you were planning to head off to LA without a by your leave!” Arthur ended that last sentence with a shriek.

 

Merlin flinched, stunned, but Arthur wasn't finished.

 

“And then I had to deal with the stress of it all. It's not your fault. I'm not blaming you. It's just not good on me to deal with. The first thing that seems to affect me is my appetite, and then my sleeping habits. And I have a tendency of forgetting to eat.” Arthur finished as he began to pace the living room floor.

 

Merlin shook his head, still having problems understanding totally but trying to get it. “But Will said if you don't gain back your weight, and continue to gain we won't be able to go out on any dates at all. And if you don't start taking care of yourself you're basically a danger to yourself. Do you even know what that means?” Merlin finished that last sentence as a weyward tear fell from his left eye. His tone was soft, but there was pain there too.

 

And yes, Arthur knows _exactly_ what that means. That's what he's been trying to say all along, but apparently, Will said it best. Arthur sighed before stopping his pacing and turning to face Merlin. He used his hands to wipe his face from any stray tears that fell too, his tone was hoarse as he replied. “Yes, Merlin, I know what that means. What do you think I've been telling you this entire time? Why do you think Morgana has been acting the way that she has, for her _own_ health?”

 

And Merlin didn't know. He thought she was strategically striking out at him trying to land her mark. That she was going overboard on Arthur by sending him away, to keep Arthur away from him, and that she would do whatever was necessary to keep it that way.

 

Arthur must have read some of that because he answered his own question. His tone was grieved as he spoke. “It wasn't...for her health. And she's always loved you too. She use to see you as another little brother to protect and to watch over. And she tried to get through to you over the years too, but you would get so defensive that she ended up leaving you to your own devices. She has no choice with me. I _am_ her brother, and we've been close our entire lives. And she won't leave me be. Not that she would stop, but it's a promise that we made to each other. She won't give up. And I wouldn't want her to. I would like her not to be so overbearing at times, but when things like this happens it keeps proving her right and me wrong. I didn't _intend_ to lose weight. I didn't know the last few days were going to be so stressful, but I do have to follow the recovery path set in order to get better. It's the only thing that's been proven to be effective.”

 

“So what are you saying?” Merlin asked softly, eyes to the floor, almost afraid of where this discussion was going.

 

Arthur sucked in a breath, but responded honestly - as best as he could - praying Merlin would understand. “I'm saying that I do need to follow my doctor's orders. I can't stay the night anymore, unless under extreme emergencies. I have to lessen my dependency, and I have to keep better track of my weight.”

 

“So I won't be able to see you anymore?” Merlin asked with a small voice. Waiting for the ax to fall.

 

And Arthur didn't know what to do. These conversations were getting harder and harder on him, leaving his stomach in knots, and he was trying his best to be honest. Trying his best to give Merlin what he wanted. And he could only hope Merlin would understand because this had nothing to do with Merlin personally, but everything to do with what Arthur needed to get better. Arthur's tone was reassuring as he responded. “No one said that I needed to stay completely away from you. They said I needed to distance myself. I need a life that isn't about you being in it. I can still come by, we can still hang out--even though these interactions need to be limited, I can go on one date a week with you so long as I continue to gain weight, and I can still be there for support, but it has to be around everything else too. So it's not something that I'm depending on. Which will help me to not depend on you.”

 

It still hurt. They were going from always being available for each other to not being always readily available for each other. They were going to have _limitations_ on the amount of time they spent together. Though, if Merlin were to be honest with himself...if he really was as _busy_ , as Arthur stated he was... Merlin wasn't that available himself for quite some time, years even, even if he thought he was. It was Arthur who kept himself available for him. Who _waited_ for him. Merlin shook his head. He couldn't think about the implications of that right now. He'd put it off for another day. His tone was gutted when he asked the next question. “And what about us going away?”

 

Arthur sighed, and used his hands to run through his hair. His tone was weary as he responded. “Nimueh was against it, but Morgana had already agreed to it as long as I followed her conditions. Which was a daily video-conference with Nimueh, and with her, five therapy sessions a week instead of one, and allowing her, Gwaine, and Autumn, oh...and possibly Will, Soph, and Aries along as well mid-stay for a few days. Those were her conditions.” Arthur gasped as he managed to get everything out in one breath as if he repeated Morgana's demands word for word.

 

Merlin didn't doubt that he did.

 

Merlin smiled and then he froze as Arthur's words caught up with him. His tone was alarmed as he asked. “And when were you planning on telling me about the mid-stay visit?” Knowing Arthur right now he probably wasn't planning on telling Merlin at all.

 

Merlin was right.

 

Arthur had the good grace to look sheepish. “Oh, somewhere around the mid-stay.” Arthur shrugged, and gave a sly half grin.

 

Merlin shook his head.

 

“What?” Arthur asked immediately. “Morgana had already told me about your confrontations, and besides she said she would support me but to give her time and that she would be willing to make it work, if you were willing to make it work too.”

 

“Me?” Merlin asked innocently, pointing his right forefinger at himself, raising his right brow with a small smile.

 

And Arthur sighed, because he wasn't buying Merlin's innocent act for one moment. Not this time that is. There were too many people who said the same thing and they all said that Merlin attacked Morgana first. Too many emotions or not, he needs to think about what he does to other people too, just like he would expect it in return. Arthur's tone was soft as he spoke. “Merlin, I'm not taking sides, even though this is my sister that we're talking about, but from the sounds of it and not only from Morgana but from everyone else, you attacked _her_ in the pub and accused her of taking me away from you. Like that was her only reason for sending me away.”

 

“That's because that's what she did.” Merlin replied bitterly, his eyes hardened to match his tone.

 

Arthur shook his head in disappointment, but his response continued to be gentle.“Even if that was the slightest bit true it _wasn't_ the reason why she sent me away. And she _couldn't_ have sent me away _without_ my consent. Which proves that you were wrong in your assumption to begin with when you said what you said. And Morgana's never attempted to take over guardianship over me. Not even once, she's only looked out for me, even though she's probably well within her grounds to do more, especially if I can't pick myself up again soon enough. And you know what? She didn't even say anything about that part of your accusation which could have exonerated her instantly. She only said that you upset her because you were still soley focused on what was happening to _you_ and not anyone else. Like everything was about you, like she sat there and plotted how to undermine you instead of sitting and thinking about how to look after me. That even with your emotions you still couldn't _see_ the damage that was done. That you refused to. And she understands your condition is serious, she was only hurt that you couldn't look past yourself to see anything or anyone else. Especially someone else you claimed to love. She said that there was no real remorse there. Does any of this sound familiar?”

 

Merlin grimaced and nodded. It didn't completely change his mind, but he didn't have anything to prove that Morgana's intentions were otherwise either. Nothing aside from his own gut feeling. Though that may not count as much either right now because he's been on the defensive lately. Maybe he just didn't understand her protectiveness because he himself didn't have any siblings. Somehow, Merlin wasn't convinced that was the case.

 

Arthur continued, looking at Merlin head on, tone just as soft. “I'm not accusing you of anything Merlin but I do have to say that before judging, I think we all should begin to look at the facts first. And you know my sister better than that. If she really wanted you away from me she would have made it happen by now. (Arthur thought briefly about the Henderson's who Morgana bribed to move out of their flat.) She _is_ trying, Merlin. Despite how she goes about doing it. She's only acting in the best way that she sees fit to help me. No different than when your mum forced you to get help. She was doing it to protect you.” And Arthur didn't go any further on that subject because Morgana has done nothing to Merlin personally. Arthur was the only one that she's been focusing on – him - and his well-being. Merlin may be a part of that, but it was indirectly, and _not_ as a sole purpose. No matter what Merlin thought of the matter.

 

“So that's what we're going to do?” Merlin asked, looking at Arthur, resigned, and not sure how to deal with all of this.

 

Arthur looked sharply at Merlin then. “Oh...I don't know, Merlin. If I say yes, will you be gone in the morning? If I say yes, will you throw another ultimatum my way saying that we can't be friends, if I can't promise anything more? Because you asked me to lay it out on the line, just like you did before and those were the reactions I received, and I don't think I can take _any_ of those reactions right now. So I think you should be the one answering those questions.” Arthur answered, he was attempting for nonchalant in his tone, but there was some underlying fear behind his words.

 

Merlin recoiled, and then he sucked in a breath, before attempting to be honest in his words. “I'm not going to run away again, and I won't...try to get you to do anything by forcing it upon you. You just have to understand that I'm in a different place than you. You keep _saying_ that you don't know how I truly feel but I _know_ , it's been there all along whether I addressed it or not, but the feelings are _true_. And it will be difficult knowing that you are going to be going out on dates and meeting new people, which in essence is basically trying to _get over_ me.” Merlin held up his right hand as Arthur attempted to speak to silence him. “That is what it _means_ , Arthur, whether you know it or not, whether you realize it or not...” Merlin shook his head and used his left hand to wipe the weyward tears that fell from his eyes, his tone was hoarse as he continued. “Whether you realize it or not, whether you want to admit it or not. The goal is for you not to see me the way that you do now. Which leaves a good chance for you not to be in love with me once everything is said and done. That's why I wanted something. _Something_ to hold onto, some part of a guarantee to know that you would still _want me_ , that you would still be _thinking_ of me. And maybe that's selfish, maybe it's wrong for me to be asking that of you after everything that I've done, but I love you too much to want to give up. Not on the only chance that I saw. I had to take it!” Merlin walked away to sit back on the couch. He pulled his legs up in the seat, pulling his knees up to his chin, and wrapped his arms around them. He shook his head, his tone and expression was pained as he continued. “But I know that you need to do this, I understand. I'm just afraid is all. I'm losing everything it feels, even as I'm gaining things back. I'm losing the biggest parts of me in exchange of these god forsaken memories that I never wanted to begin with! My mum blames herself, Gaius is worried, Will and Mithian are dedicating their time to me, the lot turned their backs. Yes, they're making it right - now - but it didn't change the fact that they did it. _You_ can't even stand to be around me for long periods without not being able to eat, without getting sick, what does that make me look like? How do you think that makes me feel to know that?! To know that your body is repulsed by me? And what kind of person does that make me? And the worse part about it is that I failed to see it all. I failed to see how I affected your life. Let alone the love part. I _know_ how I managed not to see that part - I can see it all now - but everything else? How the hell did I manage to miss those things?! There's no excuse for how I missed those things! And now...and now, I have to pay the price for my own negligence and the price could very well mean losing you!” Merlin cried out, ending in a sob. He shook and ducked his head in his arms that were pulled up in his knees. Not wanting to be seen.

 

And Arthur's heart felt like it broke in hearing those words from Merlin. And he had no way of making any of it all better. He wanted to, he really wanted to. He wanted to throw everything away. He wanted to get on his knees, he wanted to give a guarantee, he was willing to give it all, and the only thing that stopped him was knowing that there wasn't much left of him to give. Knowing that he needed to fix himself first before he could truly be any help for anyone else. Knowing that his sister was relying on him and was worried about him. Knowing that his father was up to something and fearing what that 'up to something' really was. Not wanting it to be a 'fix it' something. And that only led him back to his aunt. Which made him inwardly shudder in thought. There was so much more at stake. And the only thing Arthur could guarantee would be his support. His help, but he couldn't guarantee anything else. He said it all already. And if Merlin couldn't see how much he loved him then Arthur didn't know what else to say because he's pretty much laying it all on the line for him, and leaving himself little wiggle room for error. Arthur walked over to the couch slowly, the tears started falling from his eyes just hearing Merlin's sobs and knowing that he couldn't take it away. He sat beside Merlin and pulled him in his arms, causing Merlin to drop the hold he had on his knees to rest his head on Arthur's shoulders as Arthur wrapped his arms around Merlin. “We're going to get through this together, you'll see. We're going to get through this.” Arthur continued to whisper.

 

**

 

“Are you going to stay for dinner?” Merlin asked softly, a good half hour later.

 

“I want to say yes, but I don't think that will be a good idea. My flat's on the other side of town and I'm pretty sure Morgana wants to see me eat something after hearing about my weight loss.” Arthur said. He felt like a teenager with a curfew. But he could see his sister looking out her window now waiting for him to pull up. He was only surprised that she hadn't ringed him yet.

 

It hurt, Merlin wasn't going to lie to himself on that front. If he had to start facing all of the painful feelings than he may as well start now. He had to try to not let Arthur see it though, if possible. He couldn't take anymore than what he was already dealing with. “Okay,” Merlin nodded, as he pulled himself away from Arthur's arms.

 

Arthur felt bereft by the loss.

 

“I understand,” Merlin continued. He saw the stricken expression in Arthur's face by him pulling away, but that was Merlin's way of dealing with things. He pulled away, he closed himself off, he protected himself first. It was his way of dealing with pain. Though technically, that wasn't really _dealing_ with it as much as it was _suppressing_ it. And it wasn't very comforting to a partner when you were in a relationship either. Merlin inwardly sighed. It was something that he would have to work on. If he wanted to be with Arthur. But not today.

 

“Merlin -” Arthur tried, his expression and tone was pained.

 

But Merlin wouldn't let him continue. His tone was closed off, distant even, as he spoke. “No, you should go. It's a long drive across town and if you want to make it home by dinner you'd best to head out now.” Merlin finished as he stood up.

 

Arthur's chest tightened, it felt like it was burning, he closed his eyes first to block off any tears from Merlin's immediate rejection, and when he opened them as he spoke, his tone was hoarse. “Okay,” Arthur nodded, “you'll be alright?”

 

Merlin was quick to nod. Expression closed off from giving anything away. “I'll be fine, Arthur. I'll just order me something to eat, and I'll head off to bed.”

 

“What about the nightmares?” Arthur asked, concerned.

 

Merlin had forgotten about that...until now. He cringed inwardly. But his tone and expression didn't give away any emotion. “It will be fine. It's not nearly as bad as it was before. No need to worry.” It's better to have Arthur believe that, Merlin thought.

 

Arthur wasn't sure if he could tell whether Merlin was lying or not. He felt it in his heart that he was, but Merlin's expression and tone didn't give away a thing, and there was no nervous ticks either rising to the surface. He still didn't believe him though. But he couldn't call him a liar without proof. Arthur only nodded. They'd be together for a week or two soon enough, and Merlin _wouldn't_ be able to hide anything he was trying to then. He _would_ have to talk about it. Arthur's expression turned impassive too, but his tone was gentle as he spoke. “Okay, call me if you need me. In fact, call me anyway, or I'll just call you before I turn in for the night. Just to make sure that you're alright.”

 

Merlin was shaking his head. “You don't have to do that, Arthur -”

 

“I don't have to do anything, Merlin. I do it because I _want_ to.”

 

**

 

The next few days were extremely busy. Arthur had to arrange for his and Merlin's trip while maintaining his therapy visits with Nimueh, keeping his distance from Merlin, while still managing to spend time with Merlin at the same time. Which meant he could only spend a few hours with Merlin each day before he had to return back to his own flat.

 

Merlin was busy with his psychotherapy visits but Dr. Monmouth was pleased with the progress, and the fact that Merlin was beginning to open up more. He didn't know what sparked the changes but he was content just the same. Arthur made sure the crack on Dr. Monmouth's office wall from where he slammed the door into it was repaired, and he sent a box of Belgium chocolates to Finna as an apology for his actions on the day that Merlin planned to flee. He also cleared the trip with Dr. Monmouth so long as Merlin did an hour a day video conference with him for five days a week while he was away.

 

Everything was getting in order. Their bags were packed and there was only a few loose ends that needed to be squared away. Like Autumn's Christmas play, Morgana's Annual Christmas party, and Uther.

 

The rest of the lot continued to contact Merlin, and he even started having daily visitors which gave Arthur his exit to not have to stay as long creating the extra distance that he needed. He and Merlin would still talk on the phone but - once Morgana found out - the talking time was limited. _“It defeats the whole purpose of it all, Arthur!”_ Was her reasoning. So they brought the calls down to thirty minutes an evening instead of an hour _or_ two.

 

And thanks to Morgana's cooking and Arthur's own, Arthur was able to pick back up the four out of six pounds that he lost again, and added two more pounds to that bringing him to gaining a total of eight pounds. He still had a good twenty more pounds to go, but Nimueh and the nutritionist were pleased in the results. Not so pleased that she would agree to Arthur having two dates a week with Merlin though. No, not that pleased. _“One date a week is enough, Arthur, don't even try to push it. I didn't even agree on the one!”_ Would be Nimueh's reply. It wasn't the first time they'd had that discussion, or the second. It probably wouldn't even be the last, but it was worth a try. If only to get that forlorn expression off of Merlin's face every time he would have to leave to go back to his own flat. Even though Merlin would try to hide it from him.

 

**

 

“Morgana, have you spoken to father at work lately?” Arthur asked while slicing into his steak. She, Gwaine, and Autumn were at Arthur's for dinner for the evening. It felt good, having them right next door. Two flats down. Having family close by. Even if he did miss having Merlin near too.

 

Morgana nodded as she took a sip of her water. “Yes, I have, he's doing fine. But that reminds me, he's still asking about you. Make sure that you pay a visit to him _before_ you leave town. You know he get's antsy if he hasn't seen us after a few weeks, and you're pushing it on three now.”

 

Autumn wasn't paying attention as she was trying to be a big girl while slicing into her steak. Gwaine listened to the siblings silently. There were certain secrets to the Pendragon family that he wasn't aware of, and Uther's being so antsy towards his children, and Morgana's over-protectiveness of Arthur was one of them. Though he understood her protective nature, but wanting to build another floor above their flat to keep Arthur close.... It sort of left questions.

 

“Do you think he'll notice anything's...off?” Arthur tried to ask discreetly.

 

Morgana raised her right brow, as she sliced into her steak and dipped it into the gravy. Arthur made a mean steak. It was good having him live close by, especially since she was about to have another baby. And if he kept on cooking like this... Morgana's expression was impassive for the sake of the others as she spoke to Arthur. “He'll think something's off if you _don't_ stop by at all. You can always do what you've normally done to cover things but you can't afford to miss anymore visits. He's even had Gaius over at the mansion a few times and who knows what he's been telling father.” Morgana's expression broke a little to show her concern.

 

Arthur's stomach felt like it was starting to knot again. He understood his normal means for covering things. His normal means was wearing extra t-shirts, padding, and extra pants - if necessary - to cover for the missing weight. He also wore baggier, yet more expensive clothing. The fabric would cover the missing weight as well. But he's lost so much and that was a lot of extra clothes to have to _cover up_ things. And that didn't take away the fact that Gaius was coming around, and more than once. Considering Gaius knows _everything_ about his condition and his breakdown. If word got back to their father... Arthur inwardly recoiled to what that would mean-- for him. He could run away. But their family had resources, he would be found. Look at his aunt. And that thought only made Arthur want to throw up everything that he just ate. He had to hold it together. Who knew what their father found out, or if he had found out-- anything at all. Gaius may not have sold him out like that. Especially knowing what that could mean to him, and by extension, Merlin. Arthur only hoped that he didn't.

 

**

 

“Hey Merls,” Will yelled out from the living room. “What are we going to watch tonight?”

 

“You could be home watching your own telly,” Merlin yelled back at Will from the kitchen.

 

“Where's the fun in that? Soph's having a girls night. Their doing the mani and pedi things while the kids are watching some kids movie. Why would I want to stay home for that?” Will yelled back.

 

“Arthur didn't mention anything about that.” Merlin said as he came from the kitchen with plates for their Chinese food, utensils, napkins, and their beers.

 

“That's probably because Morgana's been keeping Arthur close to home. She's been trying to fatten him up as best as she can. And _before_ you two go away. Words even out that she'll probably send a chef along with you guys too. To make sure that Arthur is eating his six small meals a day with snacks.”

 

“What,” Merlin said taking in all of that, as he sat on the floor, back to the couch, and started distributing everything, “she doesn't think that I'll make sure that he eats when we go away?” Merlin couldn't keep the bitterness out of his tone.

 

“No,” Will said as he grabbed his plate, napkin, utensils, and beer from Merlin before filling his plate with his sweet and sour chicken and shrimp lo mein, “that's not why. You have to take into account that Arthur's got almost thirty pounds total to gain back. That's an awful lot of weight, Merls. And no offense to you, but you didn't notice that he needed to _gain_ weight to begin with. So she's trying to do the best that she can to get him back to a healthy weight. And Arthur's allowing it because he's trying too. They've been cooking back and forth at each other's flats and eating. Gwaine's loving it. He feels like he's getting gourmet cooking round the clock, and Autumn's loving it, because she has her uncle next door. But the good part of it all is that Arthur's managing to put on some extra pounds and his therapist is pleased in his progress.”

 

“And you really think he wouldn't have had the same progress if he stayed here?” Merlin doesn't know why he's pushing. Why he's saying half of the things that he says. He really needed to watch his mouth filter before he said some things that he couldn't take back, but he still couldn't completely understand why Arthur had to be away from him so much to accomplish what he's accomplishing now.

 

Will sighed, as he placed his utensil in the shrimp lo mein box for a moment. “If he stayed here, he wouldn't focus on himself or his health. That's the whole thing about dependency. And if the person he's dependent on wasn't focused on him or his health either...” Will trailed off, before continuing on. “Arthur would always put your thoughts and needs before his own. It would be natural, instinctual even, and he wouldn't have noticed how far he would have gotten until it was possibly too late. Basically, it would have been what happened but all over again. I'm pretty sure Arthur didn't even notice how much weight he'd loss, or how far his depression had gotten until he tried to come to grips with it, and realized that he didn't have as much control as he thought he'd had any longer. If he could have been here, he would have been. Hell, he was, until his therapist lit a fire onto his arse about his weight loss and Morgana intervened even harder than before.”

 

Merlin winced, and took a large sip of his beer, before using Will's utensil and distributing some of the shrimp lo mein onto his plate. “I just don't understand how it could have gotten that far.”

 

Will used his left hand to squeeze Merlin's right shoulder. “It happens Merls. It's nothing that anyone could have foreseen. We all tried to watch after Arthur. We tried to get him to tell you his feelings or to move on. He tried to do both, it just didn't happen. We tried to give you all of the signs, and you just weren't getting it. And depression, depression is a sneaky thing and it comes with a lot of things like the anxiety and panic attacks, like the eating disorders, like the trouble sleeping, like the suicidal thoughts depending on how bad it gets.” Will quoted like he'd been doing some studying on the topic. “Arthur probably didn't even know it was depression at first. No more than you knew about your own condition. Hell, you didn't really even have visible signs of a condition. Not something we could pinpoint. Sort of like a ticking time-bomb. No one would have had a clue unless you exploded. Arthur was just your trigger point. And some of your signs are actually parts of your personality that only caused it to be more prominent. You blocked off everything to avoid feeling it. Arthur didn't, and his results was the depression. Not that I'm a doctor or anything but that's my guess, based on everything I've seen and heard. Your part I know for a fact though from Dr. Monmouth, except for the ticking time bomb thing, that was me and my way of processing it all. Haven't had a chance to speak with Nimueh though.” Will said as he took a sip of his beer. “People aren't meant to have to deal with that sort of pain for such a long time, and being in love with someone for seven years, having that person not loving you back, is a long time. Especially if you haven't given up, while trying to show them all the signs in the world. That's a lot of pain for one person to endure.”

 

Merlin rolled his eyes. He was tired of hearing that he didn't love Arthur back. “Thanks a lot, Will.”

 

Will was unperturbed. “No problem, pass the shrimp lo mein please.” It wasn't like it was personal towards Merlin, and he did ask. Not to mention, there was no point sugar-coating any of this. Sheltering Merlin from the truths of things obviously was not to his benefit – it only kept him in his comfortable world of himself without seeing the happenings around him as clearly, and they never sheltered their feelings away from Arthur. Merlin needed to be aware of things too.

 

Merlin wanted to dump the box of shrimp lo mein on Will's head. The only thing that stopped him was the fact that he himself, might want seconds later.

 

They sat through the Avengers. Marvel movies were Merlin's favorite, and Will loved watching them too. And Arthur, but Merlin didn't want to think about that. Arthur didn't stop by because he knew Will was going to be there. It still hurt. Knowing that they were going from seeing each other all of the time to having limited interactions. The only good thing about it was the fact that he knew that Arthur would call him later – like he did every night before he went to sleep – and he knew that Arthur was actually getting some sleep with his sleeping pills, and that he was putting on some weight with Morgana's help. He just didn't know what was going to happen when Arthur started to date. That was going to be the tell all. Would Arthur still have time for him? Would he still call him before he went to sleep? Would he still be around to support him as he said? Would he fall in love with someone else? Would he forget about him?

 

“I can hear you talking over here you know.” Will said as he chewed, his mouth full of sweet and sour chicken, his eyes on the telly.

 

“Am not,” Merlin rolled his eyes, quick to defend.

 

“Yes so, you definitely are and I can hear Arthur's name all over your thoughts.” Will said, still watching the movie.

 

“How the hell can you hear my thoughts?” Merlin asked incredulously.

 

“It's easy, it's crying out at me. It's wondering what's Arthur doing right now. And what's going to happen in the future, blah blah blah. Nobody knows what's going to happen in the future Merls. Not even Arthur knows. Stop thinking about it. It's only going to drive you up a wall in thinking about it and...you have company here.” Will said, using his left forefinger to point towards himself, eyes still not leaving the telly.

 

Merlin knocked Will upside the head with his right hand.

 

“Oi!” Will shrieked, as he turned to Merlin. “What the fuck was that for?!”

 

“Your not company, your not even a visitor anymore. You practically live here except for the fact that you don't pay rent.” Merlin said, agitated, while shaking his head.

 

“You don't pay rent either.” Will quickly replied, while rubbing the back of his head with his left hand.

 

“That's because Arthur never accepted any money from me.” It wasn't like it was a repeated conversation. Arthur said it once when prompted, Merlin didn't fight him on it. They lived together from there.

 

“Well there you go. Arthur wouldn't accept any money from me either.” Will said, like he just finished his closing argument in a case that he was sure to win before a judge.

 

It was bull. Merlin knew it and Will knew it too. Though the latter would never admit it.

 

“What am I going to do?” Merlin asked mournfully.

 

“Why does it have to be what you're going to do? In fact, this isn't a situation that you can control, that you can arrange a certain way for your benefit. This is real life, and your dealing with a real person here with real feelings. And he's not one of your patients that you can prescribe something too, or sew them up to fix the problem. And he's definitely not one of your many blokes who you can fuck and make it all better.”

 

“Will -” Merlin tried only to be cut off.

 

“No, hear me out. I think I'm on to something here. You mentioned to me before that you mentally placed Arthur on a shelf right?”

 

Merlin reluctantly nodded after pausing the movie.

 

“Okay, well you had control there. In you're relationship. You had control of Arthur for seven years – possibly more --”

 

“He wasn't in love with me for all of that time Will!” Merlin said in a huff.

 

Will shook his head. “We've talked about it. The lot, and even Morgana. We think Arthur was in love with you a lot longer. It's just the fact that he was straight at the time that leaves us stumped, but Morgana thinks if you would have told Arthur about your feelings then that he would have told you yes, and she knows her brother. And more than you do considering they have always been close, and you blocked yourself off from knowing everything about him. We tend to all agree on that front.” Will paused, knowing how Merlin likes to interrupt. Merlin nodded to Will to have him continue. “We _thought_ about it. From day one Arthur took a liking to you, and basically incorporated you into his own life, always making sure to put your needs and wants first somehow. Making sure that you were included. Until your needs and wants actually became his. He probably saw something in you that needed that closeness, that needed that extra attention. And Arthur was always the type to be there for everyone else. That was something that everyone could agree on too. They all had similar first encounter experiences with Arthur where he helped them in one way, shape, or form. You were just...different. He saw something more. And everyone agrees that he did place you first in there. You were too close. It was probably why Uther didn't want you to to be so close to his son to begin with.”

 

“I know everyone says that Arthur's placed me first in everything, but I placed him first in my life too. I'd do anything for him right back from day one, and yes, we were close, but I would do the same.” Merlin said defensively, his eyes were blazing.

 

Will shook his head. “No Merlin, no you wouldn't have. You had the control early on, even when you didn't know it, and when you did...you _kept_ it. Arthur didn't choose anything that would have been something that you disliked. He studied you over the years. He saw something more in you. And while his feelings were still developing for you, while he was still getting to know you, while you were still gaining importance in his life... You were building up walls, and defenses, and ways to block any feelings that could _ever_ develop for Arthur out of your mind and heart. You remained his best friend, but even after a while you weren't even that as you mentally detached yourself from seeing things that needed to be seen in his life.”

 

Merlin shook his head. “Your wrong about that part.” Trying to deny with all of himself. His eyes watering instantly at the thought.

 

“Am I?” Will asked, because he's had some time to think about it and he didn't think so. “Because he was in love with you and he gave himself to you, constantly placing the ball in your court. And dedicating his time to figure out how you could see the light, which meant he _studied_ you. Not in a crazy stalker way, but in a way to know you fully in order to understand which ways to approach you, and to better find a place in your life. To have you _see_ him differently which would have then given him the opening he needed for you to _notice_ his signs. He did anything for you. And you knew you had that control, you never gave it back to Arthur because you _liked_ having the control – you've admitted some of these things yourself about control. Just not how it applied to Arthur - you just didn't know anything about it was romantic where Arthur was coming from. You blocked yourself off from seeing it. You directed where you wanted Arthur to be in your life. You lined it up, like a chess game. And Arthur loved you so much that he either didn't pay attention to how you arranged things, or he didn't care as long as it wasn't hurting him or directly affecting him -”

 

“Really?” Merlin said while looking at Will incredulously, his tone mirroring the same expression.

 

“Not finished.” Will rolled his eyes. “The problem is that it actually ended up _hurting him_ , and it started to _directly affect him_ , and it was because of this that he wasn't able to be placed on your shelf anymore. In fact, he had to take himself down. Which screwed up your carefully laid out plans on how everything was controlled in your own mind, and it triggered things. The point of it all that I'm trying to make right now, you ask? The point, is that you want to place Arthur right back up on that shelf again.” Will finished while taking a bite of his sweet and sour chicken, like he gave the answers of all answers to Merlin.

 

“That's not -” Merlin was quick to deny.

 

“True?” Will cut in while chewing and swallowing before continuing, “that's basically what you've been trying to do this whole time, and you just haven't realized it yet. Or no ones called you on it. Arthur would never do it. Well, not until he get's enough distance to lessen his dependency, but it's probably coming if you can't control it. You've always liked things a certain way Merls, and you didn't attempt many things unless there was a way to control the outcome. The good part is that you _are_ good at many things. It made it easier for you to cover up in that department. The bad part is you still _want_ to control the outcome of something that you can't control the outcome of. Not anymore anyways. Your so use to Arthur giving you control that you can't let go even when he's _asking_ you to. And you were basically strangling him because you were trying to alter his steps to your own benefit without seeing that you were killing him slowly in the process in how you were going about doing it. Especially as your steps were going in the complete opposite direction of where Arthur needed to go. And why? Because he's always been your life-line. Someone strong and sturdy that you depended on. Which is why you didn't notice that he was drowning because you don't _normally_ grab your life-line unless your drowning yourself.”

 

Merlin flinched. Will meant well, but that hurt. It wasn't intentional, none of this was intentional. But Merlin guesses that that is the point of this discussion. It didn't make Merlin feel any better. And it's not going to make him hurt any less.

 

Will un-paused the movie. “None of this is meant to hurt you Merls. Stop over-thinking everything. Process your thoughts, come to terms with it, make your corrections and amends, and move on. Don't over-think it, don't wallow in it. It's not like your going to be able to change the things of the past now. It's done. Stop asking these questions if you don't want to hear the truth of it. Arthur has to get better. I think we can all agree on that right?”

 

Merlin nodded, his eyes were watered.

 

Will paused the movie again. “And you have to get better too right?”

 

Merlin nodded again.

 

“He's still here for you, Merlin.” Will said reassuringly. “He's still doing everything to help and support you. Hell, he's still paying rent and utilities! You're basically a kept man if you didn't have a job. I wish I had it this good.”

 

“Will -” Merlin tried while running his left hand and fingers through his hair.

 

“The only thing he's not doing is exactly what your _telling him to do_. He's following his doctor's orders as best as he can. He's still not following it to the tee mind, they've had to cater their _own orders_ for Arthur to include _you_ in it, but he's doing the best that he can to not cut you out of his life altogether. The difference that you can't shape your mind around is that _you_ are not arranging this yourself completely to ensure _your_ desired ending, whether that ending would benefit Arthur or not.” Will said softly.

 

Just thinking about what Will was saying was starting to give Merlin a headache. “Your driving me insane.” Merlin said none too sharply while shaking his head.

 

Will looked at Merlin a little lost because he didn't think he could have made it any more plainer. He tried to rephrase it instead. “The point is you can't _control_ him Merlin. Meaning there's _nothing_ that you can do to alter this situation for your benefit, or to make sure that Arthur falls in your lap in the end. _Nothing_ you can do to control Arthur. You had controls and you weren't able to see anything that was going on with him. It didn't work out, and Arthur was hurt in the process. While you you received a heaping dose of painful reality. Something you blocked yourself from receiving. You're upset because you lost the control. Even though you lost control right under your nose – even though you were too busy with life and your relationships to see it - because Arthur started to give control to Morgana piece by piece a while ago as he started to lose himself. And then she had to take it the rest away, because he was losing himself completely. Granted, she's like a General in the Army with her protectiveness and her being so overbearing, but you can't knock the results. Not on this one occasion.” Merlin cringed. Will shivered on that one too. Their thoughts must be similar, almost being glad that they were both _without_ any siblings. Merls was as close as a sibling as he was going to get, and Merls missed a lot of Will's 'not so finer' moments. Morgana doesn't seem to miss a beat on Arthur's. But in getting to know them over the years... Arthur doesn't miss a beat on Morgana's either. Will would have to think about that more later. He shook his head before continuing. “You blamed other people because they had to take it away. Even though it was _necessary_ , and they were already taking the control away while you still had Arthur on the shelf anyway. You didn't see it, partly because of your condition, and partly because you didn't _want_ to see it. It would have broken up your happy place of the way things are in your mind. But it _was_ what was happening and now you have to let it be.”

 

Merlin used both of his forefingers to rub his temples. “And there wasn't a better way to word any of that?”

 

Will glared at Merlin. That's what he get's for all of his efforts! “Be happy it wasn't Soph's way.” Will said as his reply.

 

“And what was Sophia's way?” Merlin asked curiously, not sure that he wanted to know the answer.

 

“Do you really want to know?” Will asked, while raising his left brow.

 

Merlin scowled at Will.

 

Will shook his head and responded, mimicking his tone to sound like Sophia's “Fine, she said she knows that you've gone through a lot. That your situation is serious, even though you are coming through it all really well under the circumstances, but you need to just suck it up where Arthur is concerned. Especially if you claim you want him. That you love him, and for all of the reasons that you're claiming it for. You need to let it go because if he stayed he could have died and there's a good chance that you wouldn't have noticed a thing.” Leave it to Sophia not to mix words.

 

Merlin flinched, and his eyes watered and his chest stung, because that did hurt. And the worse part of it all, was that there was a good possibility that it could have been true. He wouldn't admit that to anyone but it could have been true.

 

Will read some of Merlin's expression anyway. “You asked. Stop asking if you don't want to hear the answers.” Will wasn't going to lie to Merlin, and despite Merlin feelings he would be angry later if he found out if he was being lied to. But it didn't give Will any pleasure of telling Merlin some of the things that he needed to hear either.

 

“I think I would have seen if it got that far Will.” Merlin replied tiredly. Voice small.

 

And since when did Will become Dr. Phil? He does understand that Merlin has to process everything in his mind. He has to come to a point of confronting, accepting things, and seeing how it applies to him now, but it's just...difficult sometimes. And it hurts to see Merls hurt too. The only thing that makes it better is to know that it _will_ get better if they keep at it.

 

Will tried again, tone gentle. “You may have caught it but it may have been too late. You didn't notice anything until it was too far gone as it stands. And he was with you more than the rest of us then, and _now_ when he came back and lost weight again. You didn't notice that either. No ones blaming you, you have your own life too, and you have to look out for your own health, but even you would have to see that your not the responsible choice in the matter of taking care or watching over Arthur. And Arthur's a grown man. Not to mention the fact that you still have to watch over yourself Merls. And granted, your doing a good job in doing that, but watching over Arthur's well-being...is that really on the top of your to do list is it?”

 

Merlin closed his eyes for a moment. If he was honest it was more about making sure that Arthur still loved him in the end. Of course he'd want to make sure that Arthur got back on his feet too, but the thing that stood out more was knowing that Arthur would still love him. And knowing that there was a good chance that he wouldn't if they were so distant with one another, that someone better would come along.

 

And Will looked at Merlin knowingly. “And that's why Morgana is taking care of Arthur right now. It's not a direct hit. It not to ruin your carefully laid out plans. She's not _completely_ plotting against you (Because Will was not even going to lie and say that she wasn't plotting anything at _all_. He knows Morgana, but he knows she had her reasons.), but she was able to see what you were thinking or planning that is and had to fight with Arthur to get him to protect himself. No self-preservation where you're concerned with that one.” Will shook his head. “She didn't attempt to sink your battleship. She still loves you. She only stepped in to put Arthur first in his own recovery. Like you've done for yourself in making sure that your first in yours. As it should be. Something Arthur had a hard time doing for himself in your presence. Something you can see - but may not want to admit - wouldn't have happened if he stayed here, and followed your way of doing things. Something that you _will_ have to see if you want to have a relationship with Arthur in the end because relationships are about give and take, and not control. Something you haven't had a chance to think about enough because you've never _stayed_ in a relationship long enough to allow the give and take. You always bailed before you got to that part. And trust me. I know all about the give and take, believe me, I have Sophia. And though she thinks she has the control in our relationship but she doesn't. It's about give and take, and I know how to handle her too to make sure that it balances. Just don't tell her that. It's a secret.” Will said the last part in a whisper, before grabbing the remote again and un-pausing the movie, speech over.

 

And what was Merlin to say about that? He knew his illness wasn't his fault. It wasn't something that he asked for, but somehow he still felt like he was being punished for it all. He knows it's selfish to expect everything to fall into his lap and follow suit now that he knows everything, but it still hurts because now it feels like he's trying to gain his grounding again while possibly losing the most important things in his life as a result of it. Which doesn't help him to want to gain that extra grounding if he doesn't have anything to fight for. If he can't have what he wants most of all. What's the point if he's going to lose it all anyway? What was so bad about having his walls if he still managed to hold everything together, while having them up - without - losing anyone in the process? That's the part he's still trying to figure out.

 

**

 

“Morgana, guess what?” Arthur said, excitingly, as he stumbled into her place the next morning, smile going from ear to ear.

 

“What?” Morgana asked, still in her off white silk robe and pajamas from the night before while making breakfast.

 

“Mordred's getting out a few days earlier. He wants to meet up this evening.”

 

Morgana smiled at that. “That's great, but...wait. Autumn's play is tonight.” Morgana finished, smile wavering.

 

Arthur almost forgot about that. He sighed, his smile faltered just a little. “Oh yeah, well I can't miss the play.”

 

“No, no you can't.” Morgana said as she tapped her right forefinger on her chin. “But why don't you invite him to come along -”

 

“Morgana -” Arthur was quick to say no.

 

Morgana held up her right hand at Arthur to pause him, and shook her head as she faced him from the kitchen. Arthur still standing in her living room. “No, I'm not trying to force a meet but why don't you invite him to come along, and then you too can hang out afterward. There's nothing wrong with him meeting everyone first anyway.”

 

Arthur was unsure. “But what about Merlin?” Arthur asked hesitantly. Knowing that Merlin promised that he would be at the play too. And not wanting to bring any of that before him. But Mordred wasn't a date right?

 

Morgana almost rolled her eyes, almost. “This isn't _about_ Merlin, Arthur. And Merlin is aware that you made friends while you were away. There's nothing wrong with you bringing one of them to the play, and it gives everyone else the chance to meet him while it still allows for Mordred to feel comfortable having a chance to see you in your own element as well. It's perfect.” And it was, in Morgana's mind. Not to mention she would have the opportunity to meet the mysterious Mordred that her brother had gotten so close within a matter of a few weeks of being away.

 

Arthur was still unsure, but what Morgana said _did_ make sense. “Fine, I'll shoot him an email telling him that we'll meet up at my flat first before going to the play.” Arthur said as he headed for the front door.

 

“Um...Arthur,” Morgana called out.

 

Arthur paused and turned back to her, raising his right brow in question.

 

Morgana gestured towards the kitchen table. “Breakfast first.”

 

Arthur sighed, and walked towards the table. He would have forgotten. And they both knew it. Though they weren't going to admit it. But he was getting there, it may not be instantaneous, but progress was being made.

 

**

 

Autumn's Play

Arthur's thoughts

 

The play was awesome. Autumn did an excellent job as one of the three wise-men (woman) in her case. As she delivered her frankincense and recited her lines. And she was one of the loudest voices in the house where singing was concerned. Mordred had an excellent time and the gang was all present on the interrogation front. They knew more about Mordred in fifteen minutes than Arthur knew about Mordred in a week. Even though this was not supposed to be a date. Merlin was there too. He arrived with Mithian. Arthur managed to introduce Mordred to Merlin and was hoping for more on Merlin's part but Merlin was cold on that front. It was a very, very cold front. Like blizzard cold. He was cordial, but his responses were sharp without leaving any room in there for a rebuttal. Mordred only turned to look at Arthur, and Arthur could only apologize with his eyes. He didn't know where Merlin's distance was coming from. And he himself never treated any of Merlin's friends in that manner before either. Even if he may have wanted to on occasion. It threw Arthur for a loop, and he didn't know if confronting Merlin about it would make any difference. Somehow he didn't think that it would.

 

~ * ~

 

Autumn's Play

Mordred's thoughts

 

Mordred understood full well what was going on. He'd heard all about the infamous Merlin from Arthur at the resort and knows all about their history. Just like Arthur knows all about his own. He can only think that Merlin was being so rude because he was jealous. Even though Arthur didn't seem to pick up on the reasons. Not that Merlin _doesn't_ have anything to be jealous about. Mordred _does_ like Arthur. He took an immediate liking to Arthur in fact, upon meeting him. But he didn't push, knowing that Arthur was still in love with someone else. But if things were changing... If Merlin was pushing Arthur away... If Merlin couldn't see what a blind man could see. If Merlin was unable to see how much Arthur loves him...then Mordred might just be there to pick up the pieces of Arthur's broken decrepit heart because Arthur was indeed, a good man. The best that Mordred has been able to come across, and he wouldn't let Arthur go to waste for seven years like he's been doing with Merlin. Like he's _still_ doing with Merlin.

 

~ * ~

 

Autumn's Play

Merlin's thoughts

 

Morgana took an immediate liking to Mordred after he praised Autumn's performance in the play, much to Merlin expectations and dismay. And all it took was for her to support something and Arthur - and the rest of the lot - would support it too. And where did all of this bitterness come free where Morgana was concerned? Merlin didn't have a clue. He only sees her as the one standing in the way of what he wants. He loves her in everything else but for this one subject. The subject of Arthur. And now, there's Mordred. Mordred was indeed a gorgeous looking man. With his short black curly locks, his pale skin, his fit body in his fitted black v-neck sweater, and his dark blue skinny jeans, and his pale blue eyes. Who wouldn't be able to miss him in a crowd? And Arthur seemed so _happy_ to see him. Merlin couldn't remember the last time he saw Arthur smile like that. Oh..he remembers now. In those pictures posted on Arthur's Facebook account. They were both so chummy then too. Like they were best friends at the resort. And they probably was. Not to mention that they both suffer from having eating disorders. But from what Will said Arthur has a more serious case of it, and Mordred's was more of a preventive stance that he took upon himself to stop his from going too far. _“Why Arthur came back so early is beyond me.”_ Will said. Though the consensus on that seems to be that Arthur came back early because of Merlin. And of course it would be his fault. But that wasn't fair. No one was blaming Merlin for anything. In fact, everyone was kind, and he even got a few apologies along the way too. No, this was about him blaming _himself_ for his part in all of this. Because Arthur could have been taking a preventive stance instead of having to fight for his livelihood too.

 

And now Mordred. And Merlin could tell just what type of liking Mordred was taking to Arthur. He watched how Mordred assessed Arthur's body, he watched how Mordred took Arthur's hand from time to time, as Arthur led him through to the group giving introductions, he watched to see how Mordred's eyes took to going tender when he spoke to Arthur. How he leaned just a little too close, and how he would periodically place a proprietary hand on the small of Arthur's back as they walked around. Arthur may not have noticed what those gestures meant, but Merlin did. Merlin was the master at that game. So no, Merlin didn't _want_ to play nice. He didn't _want_ to speak with Mordred. He didn't want to give him any ammunition to make him think that Merlin was alright with the way that he was taking to someone who's _his_. No, Merlin would not play nice. And yes, he saw the hurt in Arthur's eyes, he saw him flinch, but tis life! He wasn't going to make Arthur think that he was fine with everything either when he wasn't. Why lie about it?

 

**

 

Arthur took Mordred to the Antico Restaurant and Bar for dinner. Mordred ordered the Butternut Squash, and the Ricotta & Chestnut Ravioli with a glass of white wine, and a Amalfi Lemon Tart for dessert. Arthur ordered the Roasted Duck Breast with Marsala Sauce with Roasted Vegetables and a glass of red wine. They sat their together comfortably taking in the ambiance.

 

“That you for inviting me to the play,” Mordred started, with a smile.

 

“Your welcome,” Arthur replied with a matching smile, voice tender. “It wasn't my original intention, but when you emailed me saying you were getting out early my sister reminded me of the play and thought it was an excellent idea to have you come along to introduce you to everyone.”

 

Mordred smiled brighter at that, his eyes glistened. “Remind me to thank her for that. I couldn't think of a better way to spend my first evening back in town.”

 

“Flattery will get you everywhere with her, Mordred.” Arthur replied. He was only half joking. Though Morgana was also really good at reading people. If your intentions weren't pure, it wouldn't take long for her to pick up on that either.

 

“Thanks for the tip.” Mordred said before taking a small sip of his white wine. “So what have you been up to since you've been out?”

 

Arthur tensed a little at that, and Mordred caught it. Arthur took a sip of his red wine before speaking more freely. “It's been hectic for me to say that least since I've been back, but most of my time has been spent with Merlin.” Arthur shook his head a little. “He's been...going through a hard time and when I got back there wasn't as much support for him as I thought he'd have before I left, and I had a lot of things to get situated in order to properly help him.”

 

Mordred didn't show any emotion. He knew that Arthur would speak freely if he wanted to. “And how's Merlin doing now?” Mordred asked, while keeping his tone neutral.

 

“He's doing much better actually.” Arthur said with a pleased smile. “He's still going through the stages of his disorder, but he's doing much better than he was when I came back.”

 

“And what about you, how are you doing?” Mordred asked while raising his left brow.

 

“Me,” Arthur shook his head while taking another sip of his wine. “I was a basket-case at first. I thought I was doing better but after several talks with Merlin I felt like I was going backwards. He didn't want to be friends unless I could guarantee him something more than a friendship when we were both healthy again, and I can't guarantee anything more. He didn't want me to follow any of my recovery steps that were given to me by my therapists thinking it was only meant to separate him personally from me. And I guess in some ways it is because it is meant to loosen my dependency of him but it wasn't meant to _hurt_ him. He almost left to go the states to live without so much of a word after telling me the night before that he would wait.” Arthur shook his head again. “Basket-case.” Arthur couldn't quite hide the pain in his expression as he finished speaking.

 

“That sounds,” Mordred cleared his throat, eyes looking thoughtful. “A tad...controlling, which would only add to your dependency of him, and not _lessen_ it if you were following _his_ instructions based on how _he_ wants things to be. Instead of following things how you _need_ it to be and based on your doctor's orders. Not to mention the fact that he is _still_ the focal point of your depression.” Mordred let that hang for a moment – because it was all true - while taking another sip of his wine, as they waited for their food to arrive. “How about your eating? Have you been able to maintain your weight since you've been out? Have you gained any more?” Mordred asked, concern in his expression, and in his tone.

 

Arthur grimaced at that one. “It was...hard...at first. My mind was all over the place, my stomach felt like it was rejecting everything, I wasn't hungry, and I kept forgetting to eat. I know a lot of it had to do with stress, and by the time I made it for my weigh in and for my visit with my therapist I lost four of the six pounds that I gained while I was away.”

 

Mordred winced. “You lost it so quickly?”

 

Arthur nodded, his expression looked torn for a moment as he pulled himself together before speaking. “There was so much going on, and I didn't take the time to myself like I was supposed to. I was just so worried -”

 

“About Merlin,” Mordred finished for Arthur, giving him a knowing look.

 

Arthur nodded at the same time the waitress was appearing with their meals. They were quiet for the next several minutes as they indulged. Arthur especially, as he knew he needed to eat as much as possible to maintain his weight.

 

It was no time at all before the two of them were finished. It was easier for Arthur to eat around Mordred because they shared the same problem. And Mordred didn't treat him any differently because of his depression. He was just _there_ , as a friend, listening and speaking freely just as Arthur needed.

 

“So you were so focused on Merlin and his recovery that you forgot about your own, and forgot that you needed to be maintaining your own weight?” Mordred started again as the waitress cleared their table of their dinner dishes and freshened their wines.

 

Arthur sighed. “It was in the back of my mind Mordred, but Merlin, he needed me, and he was so alone in his own mind that I couldn't focus on anything else.”

 

“But that's part of your condition, Arthur.” Mordred felt he had to remind Arthur of this.

 

“I know,” Arthur said while running his right hand and fingers through his hair. “I know it's part of my condition, but I couldn't turn my back on him, not while he needed me so much. And I didn't _know_ that I was losing all of my weight back. It wasn't like I didn't eat at all -”

 

“It just wasn't enough.” Mordred finished again, looking at Arthur knowingly.

 

Arthur nodded again. “It wasn't enough. And I tried explaining it to Merlin -”

 

“But he didn't seem to understand.” Mordred finished again, in understanding.

 

“It sounds like excuses doesn't it?” Arthur said while shaking his head. He really felt pathetic.

 

Mordred's eyes grew intense, his tone was sure as he spoke. “No, it doesn't sound like excuses. It just those are some of the same things that you told me before while we were away. It's like you came back home and went right back into your old routine of putting Merlin first and putting yourself on the back burner. It wouldn't have been as bad if you health wasn't depending on you doing the exact opposite. But it's not excuses Arthur, you've done nothing wrong except for wanting to be there for your friend in his time of need. And it's your condition that doesn't allow you to see your own limitations fully. That leaves you wanting to go back into the fire for more without thought of getting burned. You won't be able to see it. Not until you can take a step back. Not until you can stand from the outside looking in to see _exactly_ what you've been missing, and the affect that it's had on your life. Not until you can get the distance that they encouraged you to take while we were away. The distance, the _lessening_ of dependency, and the _gaining_ of your own identity back. If you keep doing the opposite you may not be able to see what others can see. What your therapists can see, or even your sister, or your friends like you've said before who have all noticed.”

 

“Merlin never noticed.” Arthur said, he didn't know why. It only made his chest hurt to think about it.

 

“It's probably because he's too close to it all to see too. Or maybe he simply doesn't _want_ to see it. He may not completely see his own affect on you. He probably knows he has power to affect your decisions, to _compel_ you, he probably even knows that he's being controlling. But he may not know or understand just how much damage he was doing because he's on the inside of things too. Sometimes being too close blocks you from seeing the truth of a matter. Maybe by you taking a step back he might be able to see things clearly too. You said it was by your first step back that triggered his emotions back again to begin with right?”

 

“Right.” Arthur replied in realization of Mordred's words.

 

“Then maybe the distance will help him to see the light too.” Mordred finished with a smile.

 

“I hope so.” Arthur replied. He wasn't so sure.

 

“And see,” Mordred smiled again and it was infectious enough for Arthur to smile too, “we have hope.” Mordred took another sip of his wine. “So were you able to pick back up the weight?”

 

Arthur nodded. “I have now gained and maintained a total of eight pounds.”

 

“Excellent,” Mordred said excitably as he got up and pulled Arthur into a hug. It wasn't anything new. They shared hugs while they were away as they gained more weight when they said their congratulations. “I'm so happy for you.” Mordred said as he went back to his seat. A few other patrons looking his and Arthur's way.

 

Arthur's face was flushed, as he settled back into his seat and responded back. “Thank you. I didn't know if it was going to happen but Morgana and I have been cooking and eating like crazy, and then working out to make sure that it doesn't just turn to fat in the process.”

 

Mordred shook his head and chuckled. “Leave it to you to make sure that all the weight is gained back in the _right_ places instead of just ensuring that you actually _gain_ the weight.”

 

“Hey, I've never stopped working out, it's only natural that I'd want to keep everything in place. And Morgana's pregnant, she doesn't want to gain a whole bunch of weight either, but she's trying to support me. Gwaine and Autumn too, but they've been trying to walk between meals to the park, and Gwaine is still working out too.” It warmed Arthur's heart to know the lengths his family would go for him to get him back on track again.

 

“So what have you done differently to have you gain this weight back again?” Mordred asked curiously while raising his left brow.

 

“I followed the doctor's orders as much as possible. I got Merlin more support to lessen my own some, I stopped spending nights at my old flat,” Mordred raised a brow at that. And Arthur rolled his eyes at his own stupidity. “Yeah, I know. No need to lecture me. I stopped spending night and started spending nights at my own flat, I started taking my sleeping pills, and I started eating more and continued my exercising along with having daily visits with my therapist five times a week.”

 

Mordred clapped his hands lightly. “Sounds like you took some action. Might I even say, you took a step in being more _independent_.”

 

Arthur felt pride in that, but he couldn't take all of the credit. His responded humbly. “I don't know if that was all me. My sister and my therapist were very instrumental in that too.”

 

Mordred wasn't going to let it slide. Arthur needed to know that he took a big step towards his own independence. He spoke next like a proud friend, his eyes gleaming to go with the words. “But they didn't _force_ you to do it, Arthur. You made those steps on your own. You saw that it was something that you needed and _you_ took the step.”

 

“I saw that there were other things at stake.” Arthur countered. Still not seeing that it was him that made it happen.

 

“Well be that as it may, you _did t_ ake the step. Take the compliment, Arthur.” Mordred said while taking another sip of his white wine. “And what did Merlin say about you having to take these steps back?”

 

Arthur winced. “He didn't like it. He still thought it was something being directed at him personally, but he was starting to see—well other's made him to see that there was more to it than that.”

 

Mordred nodding, before saying what Arthur didn't say. “That it wasn't about him.”

 

“Right.” Arthur nodded. It was good to have Mordred there, someone else who understood, and someone who Arthur could freely speak with about this without having it go anywhere. He had Morgana but he didn't want her to have to worry about him all of the time. Having someone else to talk to was a kind welcome.

 

“And that was it? He let everything go? All of the fight, all of the things he wasn't willing to let go of before. He listened to a few people and he just decided to say hey, everything will be okay now?” Mordred asked curiously. Because he knew the type and he wasn't completely buying the 360 on Merlin's part. Especially seeing first hand how coldly he treated Arthur at the play _just because_ he brought someone along with him.

 

“No. He didn't let _everything_ go. We're going away together the day after tomorrow to my family's lake-house in Wales, and I had to agree to one date a week unless my therapist says that it is still going against my recovery. We originally had two dates a week planned but Nimueh wouldn't allow it. I'll still be there for support and for help, but I will just have to distance myself a little more too to lessen the dependency.”

 

“I...see,” Mordred said hesitantly with a nod.

 

“It's not as bad as it sounds,” Arthur was quick to say. “He understood that I needed distance, but he needed some reassurance and he wanted a fair chance to be able to fight for me too, he said.”

 

“But your already in love with him, Arthur.” Mordred said, still not following. Or he was following and didn't know if Arthur was following.

 

Arthur nodded in agreement before replying. “He knows that, but he seems to think that my going out with other people, my _dating_ other people will make me fall out of love with him.”

 

“So he doesn't _trust_ that your love is strong enough to survive it, even though you've been in love with him for seven years?” Mordred questioned incredulously, while raising his left brow.

 

Arthur didn't get that part either, but he tried to explain it to Mordred anyway. “I think it's more for _his_ reasons than what he is truly telling me. But he needed some form of reassurance and he's still my best friend. I felt like I _had_ to give it to him. Even though I couldn't promise him anything else.”

 

Mordred nodded in understanding. “Which he wanted you to?” It wasn't truly a question, Mordred understood that Merlin was trying to get a commitment out of Arthur before Arthur could truly see if a commitment was what he _wanted_ when he was recovered or if it was what he truly _needed_ when he did recover, and he knew that Arthur would have stuck by his word either way if he gave it. Because Arthur was the type who would stand by his word, and if Merlin and Arthur were as close as Arthur described for all of these years... If Merlin understood Arthur as well as Arthur's thinks he does...Merlin would have known that too.

 

“Yes,” Arthur agreed. Unaware of Mordred's musings.

 

“And how are you doing on the date front, or the meeting new people front? Have you met anyone yet?” Mordred asked, tone pensive.

 

Arthur shook his head. “I haven't had the time. I've been busy with Merlin, busy with trying to gain the weight, and busy getting things settled for our trip.”

 

“Okay, I vote that we go out on a date.” Mordred said like it was the best solution in the world.

 

Arthur raised his right brow, almost choking on the wine he just took a sip of as the words came out of Mordred's mouth, before he gathered his wits about himself and said, “really?” Like it was a joke.

 

Mordred chuckled as he gave a nod. “Really. You need to go out, you need to meet new people. I am part of the new people list, and you still need a date that isn't Merlin. I propose that we date. It's not like I don't find you attractive Arthur. And I'm not conceited but I think you find me attractive too.”

 

And Arthur flushed. Mordred thought it was adorable.

 

“Are you serious?” Arthur asked in incredulously.

 

“Absolutely.” Mordred replied without missing a beat. “Why wouldn't I be serious? You're a handsome man Arthur, your charming, kind, would do anything for anyone, and we've gotten to be good friends in such a short period of time. We'd never run out of things to talk about and we have so much in common. Why wouldn't I want to throw my hat in the ring?”

 

“Oh I don't know. Maybe because I've been in love with someone else for seven years, and I'm still very much in love with him.” Arthur replied sarcastically while taking another sip of his wine.

 

“The same someone else who didn't know what he had until he was gone. It's not the same.” Mordred replied with a shrug, before his eyes grew intense, and his tone turned more convincing. “And you do _need_ to date in order to lessen your dependence of Merlin, and who knows maybe your love for him is surrounded in that. Maybe you _won't_ see him the same way once you get around people who _actually_ cares for you, who will _treat_ you better, who will put your needs _first_ for a change. Like you _deserve_ to be treated. ”

 

Somehow, Arthur wasn't so convinced. But Mordred poised a good argument, and Arthur did need to start meeting and dating new people. If only to have something to say to Nimueh when she asked again. And Mordred is one of the good guys, it wouldn't hurt if he went out with him right? There was only one thing that concerned him. “What if...what if we do go out and it doesn't work. I don't want to lose my friendship with you. We're supposed to be supporting each other. And I don't want to lose that.”

 

“Then we won't lose that. Either way friends, lovers,” Arthur blushed slightly. Mordred smiled, “whatever the case maybe, we won't allow it to interfere with our friendship. If it doesn't work out then it doesn't, but in order to make sure that it goes the right way in that regard we have to be honest with each other, and let's face it. I'm going in with my eyes open, Arthur. I know what I'm up against.”

 

Arthur still wasn't so convinced. “So that we're clear. If we go out, on dates, multiple dates, and if it doesn't work out we can still maintain our friendship once we're through?” Arthur needed a confirmation of this.

 

“Yes.” Mordred replied without hesitation.

 

“Alright,” Arthur said reluctantly.

 

“Don't be so excited, Pendragon.” Mordred said, his smile faltering a little. Tone less confident.

 

“It's not you Mordred. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you.” Arthur said while gesturing his left hand in Mordred's direction. “I just don't want us to lose what we have, because I don't think I'm going to be able to just fall out of love with Merlin. Become less dependent, yes. Gain my own identity back, yes. Fall out of love with him,” Arthur shook his head, “I don't see that happening as easily and I don't want to mislead you into thinking that there could be anything else if there can't be.” There, he said it! He made it clear, just in case he hadn't before. He didn't want Mordred to think that there was any chance when there was more than likely _no_ chance in this situation. Even if he was willing to give it a try.

 

Mordred understood that. And it was one of the things that he liked about Arthur. His honesty, and his tendency to not want to mislead anyone. “I respect that. And I'm not asking you to marry me, Arthur, I'm asking for dates. Real dates with real chances and real opportunities. Opportunities for you to see that there is something _more_ out there than Merlin. Someone you waited for for all of these years and never actually _had_. I just want to show you that there's more. And in the meantime it will help you to _lessen_ your dependency of him, and it will help you to _gain_ some of your identity back. You'll get to _date,_ while following your doctor's orders.”

 

Arthur had to admit that Mordred had a point. “Okay, then dates it is.” Arthur said while lifting his wine glass in Mordred's direction which Mordred returned.

 

“So when do we start these...dates?” Mordred asked slyly.

 

“We won't be able to start the dates until Merlin and I return from the lake-house.” Arthur responded truthfully.

 

“Your going to miss Bohrs when he arrives.” Mordred replied sadly.

 

Arthur shook his head. “No, I was planning on leaving for a day in order to meet up with you guys. I know what we agreed upon.”

 

“No,” Mordred shook his head, “that's too much. And you'll have your hands full with Merlin while your away.” Mordred used his left hand and fingers to to run against his left brow as he continued. “We can do a Skype video call with you and I'll take Bohrs out to celebrate. When you return we can have an official celebration, just the three of us, and the next night you and I can go out on our first date. I'll take you somewhere nice and we can end the night with a dance.” Mordred ended his sentence seductively.

 

And Arthur's chest lightened at that. He hadn't opened himself up to any possibilities with the exception of Merlin in a while, and he didn't know how to react when someone was obviously coming on to him. Of course, people _have_ come on to him before and recently, but he's simply ignored them or turned them down because he wasn't trying to actively date. But he actually likes Mordred, he didn't know how to react now.

 

When Arthur spoke next, his tone was slightly hoarse. “Sounds good. Are you sure that you won't mind doing that. I can leave -”

 

“I'm positive, Arthur.” Mordred responded quickly. “And that's a long drive to be leaving in between and going back. And we'll be doing a video chat, I'm sure Bohrs wouldn't mind a bit as long as he got to speak with you, and we'll still meet up when you return. Does this all sound good for you?”

 

Arthur nodded, pleased on how everything turned out and surprised that Mordred asked if he agreed with everything. After days with Merlin he realized Merlin didn't really _ask_ him how he felt about anything that was happening around him. It was how Merlin thought about it all. It was something to think about. Something Arthur wasn't sure that Merlin was even aware of doing. Definitely food for thought.

 

The rest of their evening was more talk about the resort. Mordred shared some of his stories and how he gained back all of the weight that he lost. Mordred spoke of his family, his job, and some of his friends. And even spoke about his uni years. Arthur spoke too, but he realized so much of his life was revolved around Merlin that it was difficult to share. Especially since he was supposed to be lessening his dependency and gaining his own identity back. Wasn't talking about Merlin so much defeating the purpose? It made Arthur realize that he needed to gain some new memories too. He was certain that Merlin had many memories that didn't include him it it. He had plenty of relationships and plenty of experiences with those men that had nothing to do with Arthur. A _life_ , that was completely separate from Arthur. He didn't have a problem with dependency or having to gain his identity back. They were completely different in that regard.

 

Mordred startled Arthur as he tried to get his attention waving a fork in his face. “Hey. You with me?” Mordred asked.

 

Arthur smiled. “Yes, sorry, my thoughts were all over the place there, but I'm with you.”

 

“Good, I wanted you to take a bite of this lemon tart. It's better than sex.” Mordred said wanting to see Arthur blush again. And it worked.

 

“A dessert. That's better than sex?” Arthur asked. And by god, was he flirting? He didn't think so but his tone sounded flirtatious in his own ears.

 

“It was a figure of speech. Nothing's better than sex.” Mordred replied while raising his brows.

 

Arthur swallowed, before leaning over to Mordred's fork and taking a bite of his lemon tart. “Umm...” Arthur replied quickly, using his right forefinger to point at Mordred's tart, “that is delicious.”

 

“See, I told you so.” Mordred said with a smile before taking another fork full and feeding it to Arthur again.

 

“It's good.” Arthur said again.

 

Mordred and Arthur finished the tart just like that, sharing portions.

 

“Oh wait a minute,” Mordred said quickly, before they were about to get up, “You've got a crumb...right...here,” Mordred finished as he used his right thumb to remove the crumb from the lemon tart that settled on the left corner of Arthur's mouth.

 

Mordred licked his right thumb with his tongue after removing it.

 

Arthur understood full well what Mordred was trying to do. He just didn't expect himself to keep reacting in the same way. He could feel the heat rise in his cheeks. He only hoped that nothing else gave anything away.

 

Mordred smiled as he saw Arthur's cheeks flush again and his eyes darken. At last he knew that they had chemistry. That was important to know or what would be the purpose of attempting to date? And that means...Mordred's got a chance. And Mordred inwardly smiled in recognition of that. He would definitely keep in mind what Arthur said though. That he wasn't sure that his feelings for Merlin would change. Arthur was as honest as one could be about it all. He didn't want to hurt anyone and Mordred could only respect Arthur more for that. But how could Arthur really know if he couldn't fall in love with anyone else if he's never actually _tried_ to? And not passively but aggressively try? Only time will be able to tell.

 

**

 

“So..., how was your evening with Mordred?” Morgana asked as she let Arthur into her flat.

 

“It was great. We went to the Antico Restaurant and Bar and we had a good time.” Arthur said with a smile.

 

“And...” Morgana caught something more there in the shine in Arthur's eyes.

 

“And...he asked me out on a date.” Arthur finished, only to hear the sound of a dish hitting the kitchen floor.

 

“That's me,” Gwaine yelled out. “Pay no mind.”

 

“Not too loud, Gwaine. You'll wake Autumn up.” Morgana chided as she rolled her eyes and shook her head in hearing Gwaine mumble something under his breath. She turned to Arthur with a smirk. “So, a date huh?”

 

“You don't sound very surprised.” Arthur replied while raising his right brow.

 

Morgana shrugged. “He looks yummy, Arthur. Why _would_ I be surprised?”

 

“ _Yummy_ ,” Arthur replied innocently, “I hadn't noticed.”

 

“Oh please.” Morgana tsked, while rolling her eyes. “You might be in love, but you can't be so blind to the fact that a gorgeous man has his sights set on you. He was practically staking his claim on you all evening.”

 

Arthur looked puzzled. It was cute, if he wasn't such an idiot.

 

Morgana looked at Arthur fondly. “Awh, you really _didn't_ notice did you? Gwen's right, your balls are probably about to drop off by now from disuse.”

 

Gwaine barked out a laugh from the kitchen.

 

Arthur turned in that direction. “Not funny, Gwaine!” He called out.

 

Gwaine leaned from the doorway. “Sorry,” still laughing trying to rein it in. “I was thinking about the wise-man, that tripped over the baby Jesus doll in the play, who fell flat on his face. It was a good thing he had a sense of humor because everyone was holding their giggles in anyway. It was so funny the way he turned around and did the David dance still keeping with the theme and all, but lessening the dramatic effect of the tripping over the baby. And did you see Autumn's face in that moment? She looked like she was going to have a coronary. At 3+ years old!” He started laughing again, thinking about that now.

 

It was a good save because all three of them were laughing then. But Arthur couldn't let go of Morgana's comment.

 

His face was beet red as he looked at Morgana huffing in disbelief. “I will _not_ be discussing my sex life with my sister!”

 

“That would entail that you _had_ a sex life to discuss with your sister. You weren't such a prude before. You must have a major case of blue balls by now. You've probably forgotten where to put that thing.” Morgana was still laughing while gesturing her left hand over Arthur's jeans.

 

Gwaine barked out another laugh from the kitchen.

 

“You two,” Arthur said while pointing between Morgana and Gwaine in the kitchen, “are _ridiculous_.”

 

“Awh, we're just having fun with you, Princess.” _Morgana wasn't actually, but Gwaine shot her a discreet look that said yes, she definitely was, or that she'd better quit while she was ahead. Needless to say, she stopped._ “We know you can't have forgotten. It's like riding a bike.” Gwaine said while still laughing, going in for the save again. “Come on in to the kitchen. I've got Morgana's homemade apple pie sliced and ready to go, and I just pulled the vanilla ice cream out of the freezer.” Gwaine said, while thinking that he would be spending his mornings in the gym. He didn't have any weight that needed gaining.

 

It wasn't long before they were all digging into the apple pie, vanilla ice-cream, and sipping on hot tea. And for the first time in a while... there was a feeling of hope, and actually seeing a positive outcome. It was also the best evening - overall - that Arthur's had in a while. Even though Merlin was _never_ far away from his thoughts.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A penny for your thoughts.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to start off by thanking all of you for sending in such wonderful reviews. It continues to encourage me to post these chapters quickly, and it inspires me to push myself further. I love reading your thoughts and perspectives on this story! And if I haven't responded to your reviews yet, I will be getting to them shortly.
> 
> Now I know it's been a few days in between postings, but this is another mammoth word count chapter that couldn't be separated until now. I'm going to post it into two chapters, but it is really one chapter. I'm only separating it because of the word count. I thought two postings would be better. There is a lot going on in this chapter, a lot of scenes, and a lot of topics that are being covered. The next chapter posting will be from the lake-house.
> 
> This chapter is unbeta'd. Again, the word count is huge. But I went through it over and over again. It doesn't mean I haven't missed anything though. If you see it please feel free to point it out, and I will make the corrections.
> 
> I'm going take a few days off after this word count. I have to work on my other story. But I have started on the next chapter already for this one. So give me about three days. But this word count is basically equivalent to a weeks worth of writing. And if you add the earlier posting...that would be about 50,000 words. I hope that makes up for it. You can tell me if you agree by your reviews. With that being said. I hope you enjoy the chapter!

 

“So, I thought I'd stop by before heading off to work.” Lance said as he walked past Merlin to enter into the flat, in his white crisp shirt, black suit and red tie. The suit, was a required look for the head of the online divison at Pendragon Electronics.

 

“Your working, on Christmas Eve?” Merlin asked, surprised, and a touch sympathetic as he closed the door to his flat behind Lance.

 

Lance shrugged. It wasn't a hardship. “Just closing off some loose ends before the holiday break. “How are you doing?”

 

“I'm fine. Well...more than fine actually. I got myself a good night's sleep last night.” Merlin replied with a grin.

 

Lance smiled. “That sounds like good news. No nightmares then?” Lance raised his left brow with concern, to confirm.

 

Merlin shook his head quickly, to reassure. “No, I didn't the night before either.”

 

Lance smiled at that. “What did your doc say about that?”

 

“He said it's...natural.” Merlin replied, as he grabbed Lance's suit jacket to hang it up in the closet. “That I probably got the majority of the traumatic experiences out to the forefront now, and if there _are_ more that the nightmares will be more sporadic, and not coming to me on a nightly basis.”

 

“That's a good thing right?” Lance asked as he walked into the kitchen, pulling out a glass, to help himself to some of Merlin's orange juice in the refrigerator. Well, Arthur was the one that actually did the shopping, but he did it for Merlin.

 

Merlin watched with a grin, thinking of how everyone just went back to their old routines, as if _nothing_ happened, before responding raising his brows thoughtfully. “It's a very _good_ thing actually. The nightmares have been a big part of my emotional state. Especially with my lack of sleep. If it's subsiding now, I'll be able to deal with things a whole lot better.”

 

“Sounds...good. What have you got on your agenda for the day? Since you _don't_ have to work like the rest of London.” Lance asked, as he leaned against the kitchen counter facing Merlin with a smile.

 

“Oi! It's called _medical leave_ , and it's not my fault that Dr. Monmouth extended the time, making it three months total off instead of one.” Merlin said in his defense, before answering the question. “I've got my psychotherapy appointment within the next hour and a half, and then I have to pick up my outfit for Morgana's Annual Christmas party this evening.” Merlin couldn't hide an eyeroll on the last part.

 

Lance ignored it. He knows that Merlin is still blaming Morgana for having to take care of Arthur, sending him to the resort, and moving him away, but none of those things could be helped. It was best not to edge on the subject. “Yeah, apparently Morgana's rented the banquet hall at Pendragon, Gwen's making me wear a suit, with a purple tie to match her purple gown.” Lance said, barely hiding his frown on the purple tie.

 

Merlin snorted. “Sounds like she's got you tied by the balls man.” Merlin replied teasingly, with a sly grin.

 

“And that's the only reason why I had to agree to the purple tie.” Lance said with a shrug and unashamed. “She's my _wife_. The _mother_ of my boys. The love of my life. The purple tie is _not_ going to hurt me, why tell her no to hurt her feelings? It won't do me any good, or harm to say anything about it.”

 

Merlin shook his head. Not understanding. The art of _compromise_ was still not...his forte. Explaining why he's never had a successful relationship. He'll have to change from that. Just...not today. “If you say so.” Merlin would prefer to wear what he wanted thank you very much, _without_ being told what to do.

 

“So you going by yourself or are you bringing a date?” Lance asked curiously, while taking a sip of his orange juice. Merlin normally brought a date to outings if he wasn't Arthur's plus one. And the Annual Christmas Party, was always Merlin and Arthur.

 

Merlin walked around the black and white island and sat in one of the stools before replying. “I'm going on my own. I _think_. I think Arthur's going to pick me up but we haven't confirmed our plans on that front.” Merlin looked away from Lance wistfully.

 

Lance nodded. “I haven't heard anything to confirm or deny, to be honest. Arthur's just been busy trying to put back on more weight from what I've been hearing. I know he'll be there tonight. He has to be. But I don't know if he'll be bringing anyone along or not.”

 

“So..., what did you think of Mordred?” Merlin asked, curious, contemplative, and a tad bitterly.

 

Lance looked at his friend sadly. “Do you _really_ want to know about what I think about Mordred?”

 

Merlin shrugged. “Why wouldn't I _want_ to know?” Merlin asked innocently, eyes widening.

 

Lance wasn't buying what Merlin was selling. Not in the least. He shook his head slightly. “Oh I don't _know_ , maybe because you might want to _torture_ yourself. And you should be _focusing_ on your own recovery because you have enough _torture t_ o deal with.”

 

Merlin couldn't quite control his flinch. But Lance continued.

 

“Does it really matter what I think of Mordred?” Lance asked.

 

Merlin looked at Lance right in the eyes, tone adamant. “I _want_ to know.”

 

Lance looked disappointed. And he was. He wanted Merlin to focus on himself and not on Arthur. He didn't voice that though because everyone knew that Merlin could be stubborn when he wanted to be, and he wasn't seeing reason right now where Arthur was concerned. He wasn't quite understanding why Arthur needed to be away from him. “I think...I thought he's a nice guy.” Lance replied honestly.

 

“Nice, as in a nice _friend_ for Arthur, or _nice_ , as in something _more_ for Arthur?” Merlin pushed. He didn't lie. He may have slept well last night, but it was on and off and - all in between - he was thinking of Arthur and Mordred. Kissing, hugging, fucking, the whole nine yards. He couldn't quite shake the gut feeling that Mordred was after Arthur, and he saw what he saw with his own two eyes. He knows full well what it looks like when someone wants someone else. And it was _clear_ in Mordred's expressions and his demeanor that he _wanted_ Arthur. Even though Mithian didn't quite agree with him, when they discussed it on their way back home.

 

Lance sighed heavily, and used his left thumb and fingers to rub his brows. “I can't answer that. I don't _know_ Mordred well enough to answer that. He seemed like a nice guy who got close with Arthur while they were away. He seemed like someone who genuinely cared about Arthur's well-being.”

 

“Unlike me.” Merlin whispered, filling in the blanks. A slight grimace appearing and disappearing quickly, to mask the emotions behind it.

 

Lance's eyes widened, hurt and concern showing through in his expression. “I never _said_ that Merlin. You have to stop blaming yourself for the things you can't change and _work_ on the things that you can. It'll eat you up inside if you don't.” Lance huffed. “You asked me what I thought of Mordred, and I, against my better judgment, answered your question. He does seem like he genuinely cares for Arthur's well-being. He was observing Arthur to see if there were differences from the last time he saw him, he was checking out his weight—there was real worry there, he was asking him questions, and he really seemed concerned with how Arthur felt about the things that they talked about. Like it meant something to him too. He also took an immediate liking to everyone and genuinely showed interest in the lot as someone who _wasn't planning_ on exiting Arthur's life anytime soon.” Lance finished exasperated. “That's all that I observed. It wasn't like he went out with us afterward to get more. You were there. You could have spoken with him if you didn't give him the cold shoulder all evening. I saw him trying to speak with you.” Lance added, while raising an accusing right brow.

 

Merlin didn't even have the good grace to look guilty. “I didn't _want_ to speak with him.” Merlin replied truthfully. “I saw him trying to put the moves on Arthur. I saw him trying to charm you lot. Why would I _add_ to that? So Arthur could see that I was fine with it, deciding to spend _more_ time with Mordred instead?”

 

Lance shook his head. He really didn't want to get into this discussion. “Did you ever _think_ that by pushing Arthur away you could quite possibly be _pushing_ him towards Mordred?” Lance asked while raising his left brow.

 

“No.” Merlin responded, petulantly, while taking his right hand and fingers and running them through his hair.

 

“Well,” Lance resplied smoothly, “it's actually a case where that can be possible. If your thoughts of Mordred are true, and if you continue to push Arthur away while giving Mordred the cold shoulder...”

 

Merlin expression was closing off as Lance caught it. “Hear me out, Merlin. Your use to having relationships fall into your lap or use to getting what you want out of it. This is the longest you've been single in _years_. Although, only you know if your getting any right now.” Lance said, it sounded like a question.

 

Merlin sighed and frowned, because he actually would like to be _getting_ some, but he's not. His tone was resigned as he responded. “No, I'm not _getting_ any.” _Unfortunately_ , Merlin thought, before continuing. “I'm trying to prove to Arthur that my feelings for him are real, and dating like I have been might be counterproductive to proving myself in that aspect. And since I can't have him...” Merlin shook his head. “Well..there you go.” He finished while licking his lips.

 

Lance gave Merlin a thumbs up on that one. “Too right. But I think we both know your _normal_ methods for getting a bloke to fall into your lap will _not_ work on Arthur, considering he's probably seen them all, and you changing your tactics...is proof that you get it.” Lance looked at Merlin for an agreement on that front. Merlin gave him a slight nod, and gestured his hand for Lance to continue. “Okay, so if this Mordred bloke is really doing what you're saying he's doing, then you pushing Arthur away is only pushing Arthur to Mordred's available and waiting arms.”

 

The possessive look on Merlin's face sent shivers down Lance's spine as Merlin contemplated Lance's words. Merlin snapped himself out of it quickly though, and started shaking his head.

 

“But Arthur knows how I feel about him.” Merlin said, lamely, because he wasn't sure of that. Arthur still doesn't _believe_ that Merlin loves him in the way that Merlin's confessed. Merlin understands this now.

 

Lance nodded in agreement, unaware of Merlin's thoughts. “Yes, Arthur knows how you feel about him, but he's also charged by his therapist – two therapists at that – for him to date and meet new people, to distance himself from you, to gain and maintain weight, and to move into his own flat. To lessen his dependency on you and to gain his own identity back. He is quite aware of what he has to do for his own recovery. Whether he _follows_ all of the rules or not. And if he needs a reminder he only needs to get on a scale, or to listen to the many lectures being sent his way from everyone else.” Lance said bluntly - Merlin recoiled, at the reminder of Arthur's weight loss, of himself not noticing it, _again_ \- before Lance continued, more gently this time. “So with those thoughts in mind for Arthur. If you push him away, if you're rude to his friend, if his friend does like him as you've so eloquently stated... don't you think you just handed him an open ticket?” Lance asked while guessing the answer himself, because really? Merlin really _did_ just give Mordred the open ticket if he was right in his assessment.  
  
“Shit!” Merlin said to himself as he grimaced, and got up from his stool to pull some milk out of the refrigerator, pouring it in a glass he pulled down from one of the white cabinets. “Shit.” He repeated, in a whisper, at his own stupidity, before gulping down half of the glass, and licking away any trace of a milk mustache.

 

Lance winced. “Yeah, I'll say.” Lance said in agreement.

 

Merlin sat his glass of milk down and wheeled on Lance, startling Lance enough to force him to grip his orange juice glass tighter in his right hand before it slipped and spilled on the kitchen floor, quite possibly shattering the glass. Merlin was grabbing Lance's shoulders now. “Shit! Lance, what am I going to do?” Merlin asked desparately.

 

And Lance didn't know. He and Gwen gravitated to each other, and that was all she wrote. There was no _wooing_ involved in their relationship! Possibly courting. It was love at first sight. That's pretty much how he responded to Merlin too.

 

Merlin dropped his hands from Lance's shoulders and turned around back away from him, hands on the kitchen island. Before turning around and leaning on it. Merlin looked strickened, his tone sorrowed as he asked. “What am I going to do?”

 

Lance sighed. He sat his orange juice down on the counter and walked over to Merlin placing his right hand on Merlin's left shoulder, and tried for encouraging. “The best thing you can do is _be there_ for Arthur, while taking care of yourself. As far as I'm understanding, Arthur's not making any decisions on a relationship with you until you're _both_ healthy. I know you were pushing for more, but that was one decision that Arthur was adamant about, in his own right. It was encouraged by his therapists, but it wasn't a _decision_ by them. Arthur doesn't want to risk any setbacks for either of you, and he won't make any decisions until he knows for sure and is _sure_ of your feelings for him.”

 

Merlin looked crestfallen. “But that's just it, I _know_ how I feel for him.” Merlin doesn't know how to prove it to him.

 

Lance shook his head, tone and eyes full of compassion, as he responded. “But put yourself in Arthur's shoes for a minute, Merlin. He's been in love with you for seven years, more than likely more. He's given you _every_ sign, down to actually telling you that he liked you--a lot, and you not getting it. It was your condition, it was also part you, but he didn't know that at the time. Those _felt_ like rejections to him—whether he admitted it or not, the only thing that kept him going was knowing that you obviously wasn't _getting_ it. And that was after he got over the fact that he was wrong, when he thought you were not acknowledging the signs to spare his feelings. But it didn't stop _you_ from getting the message from all of the other blokes that came your way, or from having all of those relationships. And seventy-five percent or more of those men said and did way _less_ than Arthur to get your attention. And it worked for them! So saying he had to _tell_ _you_ doesn't hold much weight when all of the others never had to say a _thing_. But he _still_ tried to fight. Until he saw you fall for someone else. He gave up. Even though he was hanging on, he actually _did_ give up. The fight was out of him, and the depression was setting in. He didn't think he had a chance anymore. And then, when he was about to get help, to break ties from you. You told him that you _loved_ him.” Lance couldn't quite hide the disbelief in his voice there. “If it _were_ you, would you be so quick to accept that and to pick up as if all those years didn't happen at all? Like your wanting Arthur to do for you? Would you believe automatically that Arthur's feelings were genuine then, without requesting time, if you were in his place?”

 

Merlin couldn't respond. Though he wanted to say yes.

 

Lance gripped Merlin's shoulder tighter. “That's all I'm saying, Merlin. And I know that your not use to waiting, that patience isn't your strong suit, but this isn't one of those things that your going to be able to rush, and if you push Arthur away...”

 

“I'll give him to Mordred,” Merlin choked out, finishing for Lance.

 

Lance grimaced before trying to cover it up. “We really don't know -”

 

“No, you _do_ know, if Mordred is calculating enough...he would use that to his advantage. Arthur wouldn't pull away from me on his own. He's my best friend first, before anything else. That's his declaration there, we're _friends_ before anything else. But if Mordred were to slide into the romantic part of things... if he used his opportunity for that -”

 

“He might have a chance.” Lance finished in a whisper, light bulb going off in his own head.

 

“If he played his cards right.” Merlin amended, eyes narrowing as he and Lance looked at each other. He'd have to be damned good with cards, Merlin thought to himself, because Merlin wasn't going to give up Arthur without a fight.

 

Lance snapped out of it first. “But we don't really know -”

 

Merlin shook his head while breaking away from Lance and walking into the living room - Lance following him - while pacing the floor. “I _saw_ him Lance. I saw the way he was looking at Arthur, like he wanted to devour him like a biscuit with gravy, he _wants_ him.” Merlin nodded to Lance vigorously, as he continued to pace.

 

Lance sighed. “The only problem with this all Merlin is you _can't_ force yourself on Arthur. You are going to have to respect his need for distance. You still have to concentrate on your own recovery too.”

 

“I'm doing fine.” Merlin was quick to defend, while shaking his head.

 

“Really,” Lance said while raising his left brow. “I know you've been doing well in therapy, but have you truly been doing your exercises at home? Are your thinking about the things that you've set aside in your mind, are you confronting it, and seeing how it's all affected your life.”

 

“I've been _working_ on it.” Merlin replied quickly, while looking away from Lance, it was partially true.

 

“I'm not meaning to burst your bubble Merlin, but if you were truly confronting everything we wouldn't have to be repeating Arthur's need for space, or his health condition on a near daily basis. You would have come to terms with that by now. And we would be talking about something else that needs to be addressed.” Lance responded knowingly, while watching Merlin pace the floor.

 

Merlin sucked in a breath while pacing, and slowed down to face Lance. “A lot of the other things, I've been able to deal with on my own or in psychotherapy. It's a matter of facing the feelings I suppressed and blocked away, while living through the experiences all again. It can be...hard, and extremely tiresome. There are...things, that I haven't been able to face yet, but I'm getting there. The support helps to add in giving me something to fight for.” Merlin smiled at Lance and Lance smiled back. Merlin's expression turned serious then. “Arthur, Arthur is the _hardest_ because I've known him longer, have more experiences, and my feelings are deeper. I've never _loved_ anyone before --”

 

“Robert -” Lance was about to ask.

 

“--I've never loved _anyone_ before _romantically_ ,” Merlin repeated, sternly, before continuing. “At least, not in the way that I've loved Arthur. And even _if_ I loved Robert, my love for him was not even in the same ball park as my love for Arthur. It wouldn't have gone anywhere for long. And it didn't. As we can all see, I'm still _here_. But I've thought about it enough to know what it would have looked like for Arthur - in the state that he was in - and I know that he thinks differently, and that I won't be able to convince him otherwise. No matter what I say or do. And my actions for when Robert left only cemented it in Arthur's thoughts on the Robert front.” Merlin finished mournfully, with a painful chuckle.

 

“You mean when you went on the rebound, with half the city, and didn't stop?” Lance said with a small smile. It wasn't funny, but he was trying to make Merlin feel better, trying to steer the conversation back to easier topics for him.

 

Merlin shook his head. “It could be considered a rebound, but really it was filling time, and making up for the loss of Robert being there in my life. And _then_ it was about finding somene else. Someone to love. Even though I didn't know what I was looking for.”

 

“Same thing.” Lance countered, raising his left brow.

 

“Maybe, but it wasn't the all consuming love that I feel for Arthur. Robert was _never_ the last thing I thought about at night and the first thing I thought about in the morning. Robert never held my thoughts and heart captive either.” Merlin's brows furrowed in reflection, and he shook his head to shake himself out of it, before walking over to his love seat and taking a seat.

 

Lance followed, taking a seat on the couch. Lance looked at Merlin with sympathy there. “I don't know how beneficial the trip will be for Arthur, or if it will be, but do you think going away will be able to help you confront some of the things that you need to with him, things you possibly haven't been able to do?” Lance asked curiously. He didn't think the trip _would_ help Arthur's situation much at all personally, considering his dependency issues, but he did wonder how it would benefit Merlin. Arthur was adamant in the fact that it would help Merlin somehow.

 

Merlin shrugged. “It's different. What I need to address with Arthur are my feelings. My romantic feelings. The reasons why I put them to the side. Why I _hurt_ him, however unintentional. But a lot of those things...I may not be able to address with him. He's dealing with things on his own, and certain reasons may not help my defense in him accepting my feelings for him. Not to mention every time we have a serious discussion, granted I know I've been pushing on _certain_ topics, he's ended up losing weight from the stress of it all.” Merlin replied honestly, tone pained.

 

“He's stronger than you think.” Lance was quick to say. He's known Arthur almost all of his life. He _knows_ Arthur is resilient. He maybe having it hard now, but he knows that Arthur will bounce back and be stronger than ever. Even though it looks bleak right now. Lance's faith in Arthur is sure. Just like he knows Merlin will bounce back from this too.

 

Merlin snorted. “I don't doubt it. He's always been the strongest man that I've known.” Merlin's expression turned sheepish. “No offense to you.”

 

Lance shook his head, and smiled. “No offense taken.”

 

Merlin ciphered through some of the things Lance said previously. “You said that you didn't take Mordred out after the play.”

 

“That's right.” Lance looked at Merlin, not following his new line of thought. With Merlin's emotions all over the place at times his mind was several steps ahead of the rest of them. He could only imagine how his and Arthur's conversations went. It wasn't a good picture. With Arthur's current emotional state. His basic inability to tell Merlin 'no' when he needed to. It would explain how Arthur always came back never getting what he wanted with Merlin.

 

“So who took him out after the play?” Merlin asked, not sure he wanted to know the answer, but having a very good feeling.

 

Lance was still not following completely. “Arthur took him out. It was an agreement their group made at the resort. Each time one of them get out the ones already out will take the newly released one out to celebrate, have a night of it. Arthur was out first, so he took Mordred out. And then I think, they plan to have a tradition of meeting up monthly.”

 

“And that was all to it?” Merlin pushed.

 

Lance looked uncomfortable, before responding. “It was meant as a celebratory dinner.” Lance didn't want to go into further detail. The rest was between Merlin and Arthur. Yes, Lance knows what happened at the dinner. Gwen and Morgana are close, and they had a phone tree going on with the ladies last night. Everyone knows, except for Merlin. And yes, Lance knows Arthur has a date planned with Mordred, but that is a conversation for Merlin and _Arthur_ and not Merlin and _Lance_. It's not like Arthur's doing anything behind Merlin's back. They're not a couple and this is not a cheating situation. And it's for that reason that Lance stands firm, and doesn't let Merlin talk him into spilling the beans any further.

 

Merlin's expression looked pained as he read some of the expressions that passed through Lance's face. And he knew that Lance was hiding something from him. “But it's more isn't it?” He tried to pressed.

 

Lance frowned, and his expression saddened a little. “I can't say, Merlin. It's not my place to say. You need to speak with Arthur.”

 

And Merlin sucked in a breath. “And you really think he'll tell me something that you don't _want_ to to tell me.”

 

Lance nodded with a surety. “You've known Arthur for thirteen years Merlin. He's _never_ lied to you about anything. He may have surprised you some, but he's never lied. He _will_ tell you.”

 

“But...” Merlin prompted, because he sensed there was more.

 

“But..., you need to think about what we talked about earlier.” Lance replied by raising his left brow at Merlin.

 

Merlin groaned, as he raised his right thumb and forefinger to press the bridge of his nose. “The part about me not pushing Arthur away?”

 

“That's the one.” Lance replied. He felt bad for both Merlin and Arthur. They had a unique situation. But the bottom line is...no one will be having a relationship until they _both_ get healthy. So no one should be trying to _alter_ the other's recovery plan if they _claim_ that's what they want. And Arthur's altered recovery for Merlin's sake may very well delay his progress, while Merlin will progress just fine because all he needs to do is follow his doctor's orders, _without_ , anyone interfering, which he is quite capable of doing. He's seeing progress with Arthur, but it's due to Morgana. It would be even better if Merlin were to pitch in too. Especially since they _do_ spend a good deal of time together while Arthur visiting to maintain his support with Merlin.

 

Merlin shook his head. “It's not going to matter if Mordred is already steps ahead of me trying to get to Arthur.”

 

“Arthur's no ones fool, Merlin.” Lance said, a tad bit defensive.

 

Merlin felt the rebuke, and tensed. “I didn't _say_ that he was. But Arthur hasn't had a lot of experience over the recent years it seems, and if Mordred is calculating and steps ahead -”

 

“That's because he was too busy _waiting_ for you, despite everyone's better judgment. But Mordred can't be anymore steps ahead than you are, Merlin.” Lance cut in, ready to dismiss.

 

“But that's not it, he can take -”

 

“Merlin,” Lance cut in, a little sharply. Merlin is jealous of the situation with Mordred, but they are not going to interfere on something that is part of Arthur's recovery, just because Merlin is jealous about it. However right any of it maybe. This is not a conversation that Lance will be entertaining. He came to check on Merlin, to see how he was doing, not to talk about Arthur. “Arthur will be fine.”

 

“Not if -”

 

“Arthur's a big boy, he can take care of himself. Besides, he has everyone there to support him. And worse comes to worse, he's got Morgana to protect him.” Lance added that last part in as a joke. Though he was completely serious.

 

Merlin didn't find that joke remotely funny.

 

And did Lance detect a pout in Merlin's expression?”

 

Lance sighed, another discussion topic he could not entertain. “Morgana's only trying to protect him, Merlin.”

 

Merlin snorted, and licked his lips, while shaking his head. “She's trying to protect him alright. She's trying to protect him from _me_.”

 

“No, she's trying to protect him from _himself_. You feel like it's directed at you because you happen to be one of the things she has to protect Arthur from while she's having Arthur protect himself, as the focus on his unrequited love. But it's not even directed at you personally. And you don't see it because it's benefiting you for Arthur to be so devoted to you. But if you stepped back for a moment you would see his devotion isn't actually _helping_ him, and if you stepped back even more further you would see that the longer it takes for you both to recover...the harder your chances are for you two to be together, as you claim that you want.” Lance said with a raised brow. Lance got up from the couch. “Look, I just wanted to stop by to see you before heading off to work. It's going to be okay. Don't focus on Arthur so much, focus on yourself and the things you need to confront. Everything else will take care of itself.” Lance said with a smile for reassurance.

 

It wasn't very reassuring to Merlin. Not being able to do anything, while his own fate felt like it was being decided, was a nightmare in itself.

 

“And you're forgetting one very important thing in all of this, where Mordred and everything else is concerned, Merlin.” Lance said to Merlin as he pulled his suit jacket out of the closet, his hand on the doorknob, right brow raised.

 

Merlin raised his right brow back. His tone was hoarse as he replied. “Yeah, what's that?”

 

“Arthur's, in love with _you_.” Lance said with a smile, his tone full of encouraging warmth. Because love earns major points above everything. Because, no matter what...the heart wants what the heart wants. It's only a matter of making the heart and mind healthy again, to be able to handle what it wants--fully. And there's no reason to give up now.

 

Merlin felt good to hear it said to him that way, he blushed. Lance chuckled, giving Merlin a nod and a general wave good bye, before closing the door behind himself. It gave Merlin hope. Well, until he thought of Mordred again ten minutes later.

 

**

 

Morgana watched Arthur playing with his breakfast as everyone left the breakfast table. Autumn already giving Arthur a kiss on the cheek and a big hug telling him bye, Gwaine, already ruffling his hair and telling 'Princess' in Gwaine's case, that he'd see him later.

 

That was twenty minutes ago, and Arthur was in his own world now, only staring at his toast, bacon, sausage, and eggs. Morgana started preparing a second round of it, just to ensure that the breakfast was hot. She didn't need for Arthur to stop eating again, or to cut back. She traded off the breakfast along with a now hot cup of coffee without Arthur even noticing before she sat down beside him. He startled, as Morgana used her right hand and fingers to rub against his left.

 

“Sorry,” Arthur said, slightly hoarse, and embarrassed by being caught. “My mind's been a little out of it this morning.”

 

“Do you mind telling me what's going on?” Morgana asked with a raising her left brow. Tone open and gentle. “It's just...I just cooked you a new breakfast because you hadn't eaten your old one and your looking a bit lost. I don't want you to be going backwards when you're doing so well again.”

 

There was worry and concern in Morgana's voice and expression that Arthur couldn't ignore. It hurt him to know that _he_ was responsible for putting it there. It didn't make it any easier to think about what was bothering him now. He shook his head. “I don't...know why. I'm just feeling _off_ is all.” Arthur replied while shaking his head.

 

Morgana had a good idea where this was going. “Your feeling guilty because you had a good time last night, and you feel like you're hurting Merlin in the process.”

 

Arthur grimaced. It was an understatement. But Arthur nodded.

 

Morgana squeezed Arthur's hand and fingers in her's that she was holding. “You have _nothing_ to feel guilty about, Arthur. You are not obligated to Merlin. You two are not even going together. Your best friends. Just because after seven years Merlin decides that he loves you back doesn't give him the right to dictate how you should live your life now. No one dictated how he was supposed to live his, and he has lived his life freely. You didn't even have to discuss your moving out with him _or_ your doctor's orders. You didn't have to wait on his feelings on the matter. You certainly didn't do that with the rest of your best friends – some - whom you've known even longer than Merlin, mind.” Morgana said before taking a breath. “And you certainly didn't try to curtail Merlin's recovery guidelines, nor did you try to bully him into changing his doctor's orders to suit you. You explaining what your doctor's orders were...that was done as a courtesy. And so was asking him to respect the decision, even though he hasn't fully. It wasn't like your doctor's orders were your personal _choices_ Arthur, or even what you _wanted_. In fact, we all know it's not what you wanted, but you know you have to get better so you're trying to follow it as best as you can around Merlin's requests that he _added_ to it. Merlin shouldn't have a say so in the matter because _you_ didn't even have a say so in the matter. Just because he bullied you into what he wanted doesn't make it right.”

 

And just because Morgana wasn't finished.

 

“It's no different than a patient being seriously ill, and their doctor prescribing them a series of drugs with an order of how and when to take them, letting them know if they don't follow through with it that they could very well die. The patient would _have to_ follow those orders. And that's the same in your case. And no one should be trying to give you orders or changing your orders aside from what has been prescribed. Only your doctor has a right to do that. Merlin, as a doctor, knows this very well, but is pushing anyway, and for his own benefit. He has the right to feel like he doesn't want to lose you. He has the right to want a relationship with you. He has every right to love you. He even has a right to feel jealous or insecure. He _doesn't_ have the right to make you feel guilty or pain stricken about something you need to do for your own mental health, as _prescribed_ by your therapist. He doesn't have the right to throw in ultimatums or to bully you now just because he decides that he loves you back. Just because he does _now_ doesn't mean that you should just fall into his lap or his bed and give in. He didn't even earn that right yet. And having a traumatized past doesn't give him a free pass to your heart now. With an all is forgiven, let's start anew. Otherwise everyone who's been through traumatic experiences would be granted similar benefits. If your situations were in reverse, he would have expected you to see that.

 

“He's trying, Morgana.” Arthur said with a sigh.

 

“Like he _tried_ last night, while he sent the Arctic blast to anyone who decided to even _speak_ with Mordred? Morgana asked incredulously. “Like he _tried_ with you, when you tried to _introduce_ Mordred to him?” Morgana raised her right brow and shook her head. “That's not trying, Arthur. He had no _right_ to be so rude. You have _never_ , not even once been rude to anyone Merlin has brought before the lot to introduce. Despite your feelings for Merlin. And you were not even introducing Mordred as your boyfriend, but as a friend. Merlin was _jealous_ plain and simple, and he refused to cover it up because he _wanted_ to make you to feel guilty. When you had _nothing_ to feel guilty about. He wanted Mordred to feel awkward - the odd man out - if only to push him away. When he had no right to try to do that either. You are required to meet new people. You are required to date. Him sending the cold shoulder your friends' way does not equate that he's trying to help you in your situation one bit like the rest of your friends are.”

 

Arthur shook his head, tone was tired and hoarse as he spoke. “He's not like the rest of my friends, Morgana. And he knows that.” Merlin was in a class all by himself.

 

Morgana sighed, deeply. “It wasn't like you told _him_ that he couldn't date anyone. He doesn't have to watch you go out with other people if he doesn't want to.” Morgana tried to say as a comfort.

 

Arthur nodded in agreement, before adding. “No, I only pointed out when he wanted to tell me that his feelings were real that he hadn't even been single for a month, but I never _asked_ him to do anything about it. I wasn't pushing for a relationship. I only wanted to _keep_ our friendship. Nothing else, until we got better to think about it.”

 

Morgana nodded back to Arthur, her tone was thoughtful as she continued. “See, so you haven't even made any demands on him. The only thing that you offered was your support. But on his end, he tried to give you an ultimatum when you wouldn't think about committing to a relationship, until you were both recovered. Then he tried to force you into not dating _anyone_ at all or meeting any new people. And when he realized that you were sticking to what your doctor told you to do he threw in that he wanted to date you too. All three, directly _against_ your doctor's orders, but yet, he managed to ask for it anyway knowing that it was not for your benefit and only for his, and nothing to do with his own recovery because you are not _needed_ for him to recover. Your more of an added benefit, but not needed at all. He has his doctor for that.”

 

Arthur's eyes narrowed at his sister. “And you know that part for sure?” It sounded like Morgana knew more than he did on the subject.

 

Morgana nodded, as she spoke lower, like someone else was in the flat besides them. “Hunith confirmed it for me. You were coming back so torn up from each visit with Merlin, and he kept stripping any self-preservation you had as you gave in to his demands, and you were losing weight again. I was so worried. I had to confirm it.”

 

“Did you ask Hunith to speak with Merlin about me?” Arthur's eyes narrowed even more, his tone turning accusing.

 

Morgana averted her eyes for a moment before responding. She was not going to be ashamed about this. If Arthur wasn't looking out for himself, someone had to, and apparently that someone was her. “I _did_. It didn't seem like anyone else was going to, and Merlin obviously was unable to see that he was doing you more harm than good. By the pushing, by the guilt trips, and by overwhelming you to such an extent that it was backfiring on your health. You know, Merlin doesn't go through that when he's dealing with you. He doesn't stop eating nor does he become overwhelmed with panic/anxiety attacks from it. His feelings may be hurt, but it doesn't affect his health like it does your's. Will and I have compared notes, and he's found Merlin after your talks. Well, except for the one with the plane incident, but he got him the second go round on your next talk. Merlin's just been unable to see it. I _asked_ Hunith, but I didn't push it. It was up to her to say something. And then up to Merlin to do something about it. I'm gathering that she did once she saw you for herself?”

 

Arthur nodded, before trying, “Morgana -” Only to be interrupted by said person.

 

“My point is Arthur, you do not owe Merlin anything here. He's making you _feel_ that way. By appealing to your guilt and your love for him, but you _do not_ owe him anything. He's not your boyfriend, he's never been your boyfriend, and he's never been your lover. Didn't even want to acknowledge that he ever wanted to be your boyfriend or your lover for the past thirteen years. Him starting now does not _grant_ him special privileges. He's only placing conditions and laying claims now that he's decided that he loves you back. You don't owe him anything, Arthur. No more than Merlin owes you anything. Which apparently you understand because you were only trying to maintain your friendship, but it seems Merlin does not because he was trying to push for something that he doesn't have any right to claim.”

 

Arthur didn't know how he felt about any of that. He took his right hand and fingers and ran it through his hair and groaned. “I don't think Merlin is intentionally doing a lot of that, Morgana.”

 

“That would imply that you _do_ think Merlin is intentionally doing _some_ of that, Arthur. Which, either way, is still wrong.” Morgana replied softly.

 

And Arthur groaned. “I can't really call him out on all of it, can I? He's got a lot going on with him. Some of which, I don't think he's even confided in anyone.”

 

“So what does that make you, the sacrificial lamb?” Morgana asked, none too sharply, while trying to sound gentle. She was tired of Arthur putting himself last with Merlin, while Merlin always placed himself first. Who was looking after Arthur?

 

Arthur shuddered, and shook his head. “That's not. Not what I meant. I'm trying, but I don't want to put too much pressure on Merlin right now because I know that he is trying to get better.”

 

Morgana sighed. “It still equates the same thing, Arthur. You both need to get better. You can't be entirely focused on the other in the order to accomplish that. And since Merlin is putting his recovery first, and is not entirely focused on anything but you too having a relationship...that leaves you. And that means that you have to start putting your own recovery first. And that means that you can't feel guilty about going out with Mordred last night, introducing him to the lot, about liking him, or about your coming date that's now on the agenda. None of that has anything to do with Merlin. And no one, not even _Merlin_ , should make you feel guilty about it.”

 

Arthur couldn't help it, but he did. He knew that he shouldn't, and he knew it was for his recovery, and that he had a really good time with Mordred but he did feel guilty. It could be the way Merlin treated him—like he _should_ feel guilty, or the way he was so rude to Mordred out of his jealousy, but Arthur did in fact, _feel_ guilty. He had to snap out of it though. Merlin wouldn't feel guilty in reverse, and they are _not_ in a relationship. Morgana was right on that front. He didn't owe Merlin anything aside from friendship. He's no ones possession to claim. And just because Merlin suddenly decided that he's in love with him now doesn't mean that Arthur has to jump on the bandwagon to beat on the tune of Merlin's own drum. Why does Arthur have to yield? He needs time to deal with everything. Just as he said, he needs to follow his doctor's orders, and if going out with Mordred was part of that agenda...then Arthur had no reason to feel like he did anything wrong.

 

Morgana watched Arthur carefully as she saw the emotions showing through his expression. Sorrow, guilt, confusion, resignation, guilt, thoughtfulness, determination, and conclusion. She smiled to herself at that because the last parts were signs of independence and not of someone who is dependent on someone else to take lead, or to make decisions for them. She squeezed his left hand again in her right. “You feeling better?”

 

Arthur nodded with a smile. “Yeah.”

 

“Good.” Morgana said, while pointedly looking at Arthur's food. “Now eat up.” She finished with a smile while letting go of Arthur. He started eating, as she started clearing all of the dishes that were left and cleaning up the kitchen.

 

**

 

Twenty Minutes Later

 

“Did you invite Mordred to the Christmas party tonight?” Morgana asked while she settled beside Arthur on her couch in the living room, while passing him a cup of tea.

 

Arthur shook his head. “I was going to, but I didn't know if it were too soon. He only just got out, we went to the play, we went out to dinner, and he asked me out on a date. After the date part I didn't know if it were too soon to ask him out anywhere else.” Arthur replied, indecision clear in his tone.

 

It was cute. Arthur's been out of the game for so long he didn't know how to act. That didn't make Morgana feel any better though, in thinking of the implications of that. Especially sending Arthur into the dating arena. Even though she wished he would just get shagged right now. She'd have to think about that later. Background checks and private investigators might come in handy again, Morgana mused to herself before speaking. “There's no such thing as too soon for friends, and you and Mordred started off as friends first. It's an Annual Christmas Party so it doesn't even have to qualify as a date, but can still be seen as one either way. It gives him a chance to get more comfortable with the lot, and gives the lot a chance to get more comfortable with him. It also helps you on that front too to see how he acts 'outside' of the resort and 'outside' of your one-on-one at dinner.” Morgana replied. While thinking it would also give her a chance to learn more of Mordred too before sending her baby brother out to the wolves. Arthur was in no state to get hurt by anyone. It would due for her to get to know Mordred a little more too. Especially with their dates that they've got lined up.

 

And Arthur looked like he was going to agree before indecision passed through his expression again. “But what about Merlin?” Arthur asked, hesitantly.

 

Morgana huffed, and she did roll her eyes this time, despite Arthur's woebegone expression. “What _about_ Merlin?” She asked tersely.

 

It was Arthur's turn to roll his eyes. “He's my plus one every year to your Annual Christmas Party.” Arthur replied in a tone that meant it all should be obvious.

 

To Morgana, it wasn't. “Not this year he's not.” She replied in a tone that meant business.

 

“Morgana -” Arthur tried before he was cut off.

 

“No Arthur, the whole thing about dependency is that you _distance_ yourself. You already, despite Nimueh's better judgment are arranging to have one date a week with Merlin for _his_  sake. Your already set to take one to two weeks at the lake-house in Wales, just to be with Merlin—despite _everyone's_ better judgment, which you better not come back with extra weight to gain on top of what you already do, mind.” Morgana said while pointing her right forefinger at Arthur before continuing. Arthur sucked in a breath. “You already spend at minimum, two hours a day with Merlin unless he already has company, and you already call Merlin every night before you go to sleep dedicating thirty minutes a night. You do _not_ , need to take Merlin on any more outings as a plus one. Not while you haven't decided on a future with him, and not while you are still trying to lessen your dependence on him while gaining your identity back. What your doing is already too much. Anything more could cause more setbacks again.” Morgana said adamantly, eyes blazing at Arthur by the time she was finished.

 

Arthur swallowed hard, before setting his tea cup on the coffee table. He sat back in his seat and looked at Morgana thoughtfully, before responding, tone gentle. “I know that I've backed myself into a corner with Merlin, and that I've allowed so much, but I don't know how he would handle me not taking him to the party. Especially when he didn't _want_ to come in the first place when we first addressed it, when he thought that everyone hated him.”

 

Morgana sighed, before closing her eyes and opening them again. She used her scrunchy tied on her right wrist and pulled her hair up in a messy bun. She looked like she was in thought before responding. “Does he still feel that way?”

 

Arthur shook his head. “No, he doesn't, but I don't know how he would feel about me showing up to the Christmas party that we've been attending together since we were – what twenty? - with someone else. Specially now that everything has changed between us. Discounting the fact of how I've been trying for it not to. He's _going_ to be upset. No matter how I were to play it. Whether he has a right to or not.” Arthur finished, resigned, as he took his hands and rubbed his face. “I just don't want to hurt him, Morgana.” Arthur finished, his expression was pained as he removed his hands. And Arthur knows that they've just discussed this. That he shouldn't feel guilty, but he couldn't help but think this was a different situation. This was touching upon things that he and Merlin did as friends. They went to that same Christmas party together for almost seven years, if not more. They weren't just talking about boundaries and dependency now, they were talking about something personal. And Arthur couldn't help but think that Merlin would take him bringing someone else as his plus one, as something...personal. He would be upset. Like Arthur would have probably been if Merlin had turned him down with plans to take someone else. Like he knew he would be.

 

Morgana was reading Arthur's emotions as they crossed his face again and thought she understood. She leaned in closer to him taking her left arm and pulling him towards her in a half hug. It's what they would do, to the other, when one was sad or depressed. Her tone was tender when she spoke. “I know you feel like this is different somehow. Like this is some form of betrayal to Merlin, but it really isn't Arthur.” She raised her right hand at Arthur as he shook his head in denial and was opening his mouth to speak. “Just hear me out. When you invited Merlin as a plus one, to most of those events, starting at the age of twenty, you were already in _love_ with him. Those invites were part of your signs. You would treat Merlin as if he was your date, and you would dance with him throughout the night. Yes, partly it was because you were trying to get all of the eligible bachelors and bachelorettes off of your back, but the major part, you were trying to show Merlin how you _felt_ about him. He didn't pick up on the signs nonetheless, but it didn't mean that just because he didn't pick it up on it that it wasn't a sign, or any less true. You attempting to go with Merlin again this year still shows a sign of dependency. It still shows that you can't be apart from Merlin, and it still goes against what is needed for your recovery. But on the other hand, if you go with someone _else_...it shows signs of independence for yourself, signs of claiming your identity back, and it shows a breaking of tradition. Because that type of dependency is also habit forming. Your so use to doing this with Merlin, so use to him having every part of your life...that if you don't break from the parts that you have already given him...you might not be able to get it back. Going to the Christmas Party with someone else would be a big start at breaking tradition don't you think?” Morgana asked as she watched her brother.

 

His eyes were glossy like he was holding back tears, and going against everything that he believed in to agree. Even though it was what was best for him. When Arthur spoke, his expression cracked, and his tone was broken. “I am in _love_ with him, Morgana.” Arthur shook his head as a few tears fell from his eyes.

 

“Ssh, ssh, it's okay,” Morgana said, as she held Arthur tighter. “No one says that you have to fall _out_ of love with him, Arthur. We're saying that you need to get _better_ , and in order to do that you have to break your dependence of him.”

 

“And what if he doesn't wait? What if he finds someone else? It was so easy for him to be without me for all of this time. He didn't even _want_ me until some light bulb went off in his head and told him so! What happens if I let go of all of these things and he doesn't even want me when it's through? What if he doesn't mean what he says anyway? He's still getting his head around things, he might be thinking about someone else for all he knows!” Arthur shrieked, as the tears continued to fall, hiding his head on Morgana's shoulder and wetting her white cashmere v-neck sweater with his tears.

 

“Ssh,” Morgana uttered. “One question at a time.” She said gently. “First of all, honestly, I don't think Merlin is going to just _turn_ away from you right now. I think he's focused, and from what I've heard, I'm right. I've also heard that he hasn't been looking for anyone else. That he's decided _not_ to because he needs to prove his love to you somehow. I don't know if that's forever but I do know that he's a stubborn man and has a hell of a lot of self-control when he wants to. How the heck could someone maintain all of those walls in their mind if they didn't?” She chuckled, before shaking her head, and squeezing Arthur tighter before continuing. “What happens if you let it all go and he doesn't even want you when it's through? Then, he's not the man that you thought he was. Not everyone falls in love once Arthur and that's _it_ for them in life. Some people fall in love twice or even more so. No one is promised a happily ever after. We're fortunate when we get one, but it doesn't _have_ to happen, and it's not a guarantee. We can't hang our directions based on that. And you can't hold on trying to prevent the inevitable, whatever the case. You have to get better. You would be no good to Merlin or to anyone else if you don't. And I know that you know this.” Arthur didn't reply. She squeezed again and continued. “What if he doesn't mean what he says? Well, I know Merlin has a tendency to lie when pressed or to deflect but, I've never known him in all the thirteen years of knowing him to say that he loves anyone romantically. Whether he needs to evaluate those feelings or not to know how true it is in his heart, he _believes_ that those feelings are real. He's not lying to you there. Even if he told you that as a means to keep you. He's cautious on his words, true or false, and he wouldn't have told you that unless, he thought it was true.” Morgana finished as she pulled back to look at Arthur. Her eyes watering too just watching him continue to hurt over someone who may not be the one for him. Hurt over watching him give so much of himself to someone who doesn't know how to give himself back in return.

 

He pulled back too to use his hands to wipe his face. “I'm sorry,” Arthur said, tone hoarse, as he observed the worry in Morgana's expression. “I don't mean to fall apart like this in front of you, or to worry you.”

 

Morgana shook her head, before speaking tenderly. “You don't worry about that. This isn't about me, this is about you, and you getting better. We promised each other remember?”

 

And Arthur did remember. He was equally happy and saddened by the memory. He shook his head. “So, you think I should invite Mordred to the party?” It wasn't even a question but he asked anyway.

 

Morgana nodded. “Mordred is _available_. You are already scheduled a date with him, so why not? It's a good opportunity to introduce him to your world, to see if he runs and cowers, and it gives the lot a chance to get to know him better.”

 

“And you,” Arthur added, while raising his right brow at his sister.

 

Morgana nodded again in agreement. “And me.” Not a least bit ashamed of that.

 

Arthur could only shake his head.

 

“What?” Morgana asked innocently. “Don't I have the right to get to know this man that comes to town after knowing my brother for only two weeks, and already having a date with you lined up. Something that others have tried and _failed_ to do who's known you longer?”

 

Arthur grinned softly. “Don't harass him, Morgana.” Was all Arthur could say. He didn't want to push Mordred away. Either way, no matter what happens between them, he wants to keep their friendship.

 

“I've never harassed any of your friends.” Morgana said in mocked outrage.

 

“ _Friends_ , is the operative word, Morgana. Dates, girlfriends, now _that's_  a different story.” Arthur said, giving Morgana a knowing look.

 

“Excuse me, who was the one who vividly explained to Gwaine what was going to be done to his cock and balls mind, if he'd even thought about _hurting_ me?” Morgana exclaimed, right eyebrow doing a good impression of Gaius.

 

Arthur looked sheepish, before clearing his throat, and responding. “Gwaine. _..told_ you about that eh?”

 

Morgana could only shake her head. “Of course he _told_ me about it. I laughed for about a week when he did, but he told me. Even though Gwaine didn't quite see what was funny. He said you scared him by your description of what you would do. He said he could... _visualize_  it.” Morgana busted out laughing by that. Arthur could only chuckle with pride, it was one of his finer threats. Before Morgana continued. “And it's not like Gwaine's the only boyfriend of mine that you've ever threatened and it's not like you've never been protective of me so let's not act like I'm the only one who's protective out of the two of us.” Morgana finished while gesturing her right forefinger between them.

 

Arthur shook his head in reply and then gave a slight nod in agreement, before amending. “I don't want him to feel out of place, Morgana.”

 

“And he won't. We're just getting to know him. If he has nothing to hide, if he's not misleading or mistreating you. Then there's nothing to worry about.” Morgana said, expression completely sincere. And she was. She meant every word of what she said. It wouldn't stop her from doing a background check though. And that would determine anything else. But she didn't have to tell Arthur that.

 

Arthur was reading his sister's expressions and knew that he had to keep a closer eye out on things. He was definitely slipping due to his concern of Merlin, and in his years of pining for him. “So, father called me this morning.” Arthur declared. He didn't want to bring it up until now. It took him ten minutes after speaking with their father to get his heart rate back to normal before doing anything else. It wasn't like his father did anything...wrong, per se'. It was that he knew he wasn't better yet and he was afraid of making an appearance while he knew he wasn't at his best at keeping up pretenses. Not to mention he knew about Gaius' visits, and his father's extra inquiries of him and his whereabouts. It wasn't a good feeling to have in thinking about it.

 

“He did,” Morgana responded, slight worry in her voice, her expression tried not to show it though.

 

“He did,” Arthur nodded, “he wants me to come to the mansion for lunch today. Did he invite you too?” Arthur asked, hopeful.

 

Morgana shook her head. “No, but I can come with you for support if you want me to. I only know that he's been asking for you. That's why I've been getting at you to go and see him. You know how he get's when we don't get around to seeing him after a few weeks. And it's going on three for you. Not to mention the fact that Gaius has been going around. Who knows what he's been putting in father's head. And he knows all about your condition.” Morgana finished, while pulling her scrunchy from her hair, allowing her wavy hair to fall, and wrapping the scrunchy back around her right wrist.

 

“I don't know if Gaius _would_ say anything,” Arthur replied hesitantly, “he knows what could happen if he does. He was there before. And he knows how close Merlin and I are.”

 

“True,” Morgana responded, her eyes narrowing, “but we know that that may not make a difference in the end. He's very close with father.”

 

Arthur swallowed hard.

 

“I'll go with you, worse comes to worse, I can get the attention off of you and talk about the bun in the oven. Father likes babies.” Morgana said, though her tone didn't give much confidence that her distraction would be effective.

 

“You don't think father will find it...off that you're just popping by without an invite at the same time that he invited me to lunch, especially if he's suspicious of something?” Arthur asked, slight alarm and fear in his voice.

 

Morgana understood the feeling. She shook her head though. “I don't think so, we're practically neighbors now. All you have to say is the truth. You came over for breakfast this morning and mentioned that you had a lunch date with him, and I thought it would be a lovely idea to tag along. Nothing abnormal about that. And I can be there just in case you trip up, and can deter any odd questioning that father might throw your way. We both will listen carefully and we both will compare notes. I guess, we'll have to compare during our mid-stay at the lake-house since the rest of the day is pretty much shot with getting ready for the party. But we _both_ have good memories. We can compare later and discuss if there's something to be concerned about. And who knows, hopefully, by the time father get's wind of anything, you'll be back at your right weight and recovered.” Morgana's tone didn't match her hope, but it was all that she could give.

 

Arthur took what was offered.

 

**

 

12:00 noon.

 

Voice mail message, 12/24/13 at 11:00AM: “Merlin, this is Arthur. I know we haven't finalized what we were going to do tonight. If we were going together or not to the party...” Arthur cleared his throat. “I was calling to say that we can't...go together this year. It's part of the letting go of the dependency thing, but I'm...I'm going to go with Mordred instead. He's already agreed. I wanted to let you know to avoid any awk-” Merlin turned off the message and deleted it, not wanting to hear anymore, before going back into Dr. Monmouth's office to continue his psychotherapy session. Not quite sure of how he was feeling. If he had a word, it would be... _numb_.

 

**

 

The Pendragon Mansion

 

Arthur and Morgana stood outside of the Pendragon mansion waiting to be let in.

 

“Are you sure he won't notice anything?” Arthur asked Morgana nervously, in reference to his weight.

 

Morgana was _not_  sure. “You've covered as much as you can Arthur. You've got your padding on and extra clothes.” And he did, under his black turtleneck sweater, black leather jacket, dark blue jeans, and black Italian loafers. While Morgana was dressed sharply in her red sheathe knee-length dress and black four inch heels, with her black shawl wrapped around her. Black wavy hair flowing. “There's nothing else you can do. If prompted, you can say that you were out in the sun too long, oh, and that you had so much fun working out and meeting people that you may have forgotten to eat a couple of meals.” That was the best that she could do. Arthur has _never_  lost this much weight before. It was going to be hard to pull off.

 

“But what if -”

 

“Arthur,” Morgana snapped - nerves getting the best of her - stopping him. “We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. He might not even notice too much, and we can say that you're trying a new training routine at the gym, or something. There's tons of excuses that we can use. But who's to say that we'll _have to_ use it?” Morgana said, with a raised brow.

 

Everything in Arthur was telling him to hide, to run for cover. He didn't _want_ to stick around for his father's 'fix it' methods, _if_ they were applied to him _or_ Morgana. He couldn't forget about her. He'd have to grab her too while making a run for it.

 

Morgana grabbed Arthur's right hand and squeezed it in her left, hard. “It will be okay, Arthur, but you have to keep it together. You can't panic, you can't give yourself away, okay?” Her tone was just as hard as her grip as she tried to give him some strength. Even though she was just as nervous as he was.

 

Arthur swallowed hard, trying to calm down. He sucked in a breath as the door opened.

 

“Master Arthur, Mistress Morgana, we weren't expecting you,” George stated, as he looked at Morgana.

 

“Oh, I wasn't expecting me either,” Morgana said with a high pitched laugh, one that George did _not_  return. He didn't even smile. She swallowed. “It was a last minute decision when Arthur told me that he was coming.” Morgana finished confidently, while raising her brows at George, eyes wide, jaw clinched, basically saying, _“get the fuck out the way and let us in!”_ Morgana had no problem removing George by force if need be.

 

George raised his left brow in response, as if reading her thoughts, before nodding, and stepping aside to allow Arthur _and_ Morgana entrance.

 

Morgana squeezed Arthur's hand one more time as a reminder before letting go. Arthur felt cold and abandoned for some reason at that moment.

 

The mansion always looked the same. The same high ceilings, the same plain white walls, the same Persian rugs, the same antique furniture, and the same paintings that dated back to the 1600s. There were still pictures up on the walls of their grandparents, their mum, their aunt, their father, and of them. Every room still spacious, still plain, with no life. Now that they were no longer around to brighten the rooms with laughter anymore. Why father stayed in the mansion without selling it years ago? Arthur didn't know. When he would ask? _“It's been in the family for generations, Arthur. One day it will belong to you. Why would I sell it?”_ Would be his father's response. Arthur doesn't think he would ever want to live in the mansion. He would have to have a ton of kids before he would. Or at least, two, and a spouse. He couldn't forget the spouse. But he would _never_ , live in the mansion alone. Not with 12 bedrooms, 14 bathrooms, a den, a dining room, a living room, three offices, a huge kitchen—with a section closed off like another dining room for eating, a swim room, a weight room, a laundry room, an entertainment room, a banquet hall--for small gatherings, a music room, an outdoor swimming pool, a tennis court, a spot for mini golf, and a horse ranch on the other side of the property. Not to mention the full serviced staff, with their quarters placed on the bottom level floors. No, Arthur did not think he'd want to live at the mansion, _alone_.

 

“Here you go,” George said, after he had already taken their jackets, finally making it to the dining room. The table already set elegantly in wait for them. “Master Pendragon should be out shortly.” George finished, with a reverent bow towards Arthur, and a deferential nod towards Morgana.

 

They really knew who was going to come into the all the money Morgana thought to herself, as she took in the way George was sucking up to Arthur. She could only laugh to herself. Their father was leaving her just as much. Arthur's difference was being CEO and owner of the family business, getting the mansion, and some of their various estates around the world. But she would have money too—those would be distributed equally, rights to the family business if anything were to happen to Arthur, and some of the estates would - also be - distributed equally, as father had them decide upon already. His will was complete. The mansion would - of course - be Arthur's though. She guessed in some small way, George was only ensuring his job security. But, it didn't stop her from wanting to scratch his eyes out for the way that he was treating them now. Especially since he wasn't always that way. It only started _after_ they moved out, and _after_ he found out where his bread was buttered.

 

“You alright?” Arthur asked, tone slightly hoarse as he looked at Morgana, as he slid in his seat across from her.

 

Morgana startled out of her thoughts and smiled. “Absolutely, I was just thinking of how different everything is since we've moved out.”

 

Arthur glanced around the dining room glumly. “I know. I remember all of our childhood here, I loved it, but now...” Arthur shook his head.

 

“It's not the same -”

 

“Arthur!, Morgana!” Uther called out to both of his children as he swept into the dining room, commanding attention. Hair neatly cut, wearing a white Phelps Trail turtleneck sweater, gray corduroys, and Prada – dark brown, Spazzolato Penny Loafers.

 

Arthur and Morgana stood up immediately. Arthur's heart was pounding in his chest. As by some sibling vibe thing Morgana detected it and sent a glare Arthur's way, however discreetly in their father's presence.

 

Not that it went undetected. Apparently, Uther was on his game today.

 

“Is anything wrong with you two?” Uther asked as he made it over pulling Morgana into a hug first and giving her a kiss on the temple, before doing the same for Arthur. Uther's hug lingered on Arthur more as he waited for a response.

 

“Oh no,” Morgana replied instantly. “Arthur was worried about turning off my coffee maker like I asked him to before we left my flat. I keep telling him not to worry about it, that it has a shut off, but you know how he worries at times.” Morgana replied smoothly.

 

No, Uther did _not_  know how Arthur would worry over a coffee maker. Especially since he never _worried_  about anything unless it was serious before, but he let it slide. However Uther's attentions were on his son for the moment. “Arthur, have you lost weight?” Uther asked, slightly concerned.

 

Arthur froze, and his eyes widened. Internally, his heart skipped multiple beats, and his chest was tightening.

 

And in sensing his fear, it was Morgana who went in for the save.

 

“He's lost _some_ weight. He's been very busy over the past few months, worrying about the business deal, and then there was his vacation, you know how he likes to overdo it with exercise. And not to mention he's been busy with Merlin...” And Morgana realized too late that that was the wrong thing to say as Arthur immediately tensed and shivered, and Uther froze, his eyes narrowing. She tried to continue. “And you know how Arthur likes to work out? He may have spent a little too much time in the gym...” Morgana trailed off as she saw Uther looking at her with scrutiny, like he was able to tell _all_  of her secrets.

 

Uther nodded at her, like she was looking for some agreement in her shutting up. “Why thank you _Morgana_ , but I have _seen_ you, and almost daily in fact, but I haven't _seen_ your brother in nearly three weeks. I wanted to know how _he_ was doing. And I couldn't help but notice that he'd lost weight and was showing my concern for _him_. Are you feeling well, _Arthur_?”

 

Arthur's muscles were still tensed. And all he could think about was the mental institution, his aunt, and the room he would be locked in if his father knew about his condition. His heart hadn't stopped pounding yet, and his throat felt like it had a lump in it. His eyes were also widened in fear.

 

Morgana's eyes were widening at his, imploring him to speak, and trying to send vibes to him that everything would be okay, but Arthur wasn't _feeling_ the warmth.

 

Uther looked at Arthur, alarmed, “son, are you alright? Are you feeling well?” Uther's eyes were assessing Arthur from top to bottom in worry.

 

Arthur gasped, before sucking in air, not realizing that he was holding his breath. He tried to rein in his fear as much as he could of seeing himself in a straight jacket all of a sudden to respond. “I'm...fine. I don't...know what happened there. But I'm fine. No need to worry father.” Arthur tried to end with a smile, it turned out to be more of a grimace.

 

Uther was still staring at Arthur, mouth pinched, eyes narrowed, and staring.

 

It made Arthur want to shift from foot to foot, like he would have when he was a boy, under his father's careful eye. He tried to stay firm now. His father loved them. As long as their father didn't know about his depression he would be fine. He was only concerned about his health, Arthur kept saying in his own head to gain some composure.

 

It didn't stop him from squirming under his father's watchful eye though.

 

“Arthur, are you coming down with something? Your...perspiring.” Uther asked. Tone worried, and getting a little frustrated by Arthur's lack of response.

 

“He probably -” Morgana tried, before being interrupted.

 

“Morgana,” Uther stopped her with all patience, “I'm trying to _ask_ your brother.”

 

She didn't know what to do without throwing any more suspicion. She had the strangest feeling all of a sudden that their father knew more than he'd let on, but was putting them under the evaluation table. Not the other way around. The realisation of that sent chills down her spine. She had to play it cool. If only she could get Arthur to...

 

“Sorry,” Morgana replied abruptly. While sending pleading eyes Arthur's way once their father faced him again.

 

“I wasn't feeling...well...this morning. It could be a slight fever. I'm fine father, really, you needn't...worry.” Arthur replied on automatic to their father, trying to send a warm small his way.

 

Uther didn't look like he was believing it. But he didn't call him on it, and that made Arthur breath a tad bit better.

 

Uther nodded, before using his right hand to squeeze Arthur's shoulder firmly, he paused for a moment before letting go, as he made it to the head of the dining table. Morgana at his left, Arthur at his right. The tension was stifling in the room. “So Morgana, I have to apologize to you in advance. I didn't _know_ that you were coming, we were only expecting Arthur. And in that expectation Cook made all of Arthur's favorites for lunch. So what brings you by, _exactly_?” Uther asked, while raising his right brow.

 

Morgana tensed, and so did Arthur. “Arthur mentioned at breakfast that he received a call from you inviting him to lunch. I thought it was a perfect idea and decided to tag along. Why, did you not want a visit from your only daughter?” Morgana chuckled, while trying for the guilt trip.

 

Uther wasn't following. He spoils and loves both of his children equally. When he calls for Morgana he expects Morgana, when he calls for Arthur... He sighed inwardly before responding. “I have no problem with you visiting Morgana, but I've gotten the feeling lately that you've been running interference between myself and Arthur somehow. I don't _think_ it's been intentional,” Uther was giving her the benefit of the doubt there. A slim one. Because he could hardly believe that Morgana wouldn't know what's been going on with Arthur. “But I haven't been able to see my son, nor have I spoken to him enough, and I've been worried about him. Especially after hearing what's been going on with... Merlin.” Uther said Merlin's name, with barely hidden disdain. “I didn't want Arthur to overdo it. I know how he cares about that boy.” And caring, was an understatement in Uther's mind for how Arthur _cares_ about _that_ boy.

 

Arthur's muscles started tensing again, it tensed on each sentence, because it sounded like their father was connecting the dots. And by mentioning Merlin's condition...it seemed like he was zeroing in. He pulled their aunt away from them more as she starting succumbing to her mental illness, he knew of Merlin's traumatic past early on and attempted to pull Merlin away from him, but without betraying Gaius' confidence, he was unable to tell Arthur why—which prevented that from happening, and now... Now that they're all aware he probably thinks Arthur's running risk of being contaminated or corrupted somehow by Merlin. And knowing how much he cares for Merlin would only confirm that Arthur wouldn't abandon Merlin in his time of need and support. And oh, Arthur thought to himself, if his father only knew about him... Arthur groaned inwardly. If only he'd prepared better with Morgana before coming. He had to cut in. He had to _speak_ , or his father would only grow more suspicious. Arthur took a deep breath before replying. “I'm fine, father. Again, you needn't worry about me. I have been busy, just getting back into town and all. But we've talked while I was away, and I'm sorry for not coming to visit as soon as I returned. Merlin was having a difficult time with his nightmares, and with what he was facing in his psychotherapy sessions. I spent a great deal of time with him, but I didn't mean to worry you. That would have been the _last_ thing that I wanted to do.” And Arthur meant that sentence with everything. The sincerity was throughout his expression and his tone. Fortunately, it seemed to appease their father, for the moment.

 

Morgana seemed to let out a breath that she didn't know she was holding. Uther glanced her way for a moment before responding back to Arthur. “I'm just glad that you're alright son. Though you do seem like you've lost weight, and you do seem like you're coming down with something. Are you sure that going up to the lake-house is a good idea?”

 

Arthur cringed internally, before nodding, “I'm sure father. I felt like I needed to get away, and Merlin,” Arthur knew mentioning Merlin was the wrong thing to do, but he had to be truthful, otherwise his father would pick up on it. “Merlin's been going through a really rough time. I just wanted to take him out of his normal environment for a week or two.”

 

“And do you think you're _equipped_ to handle his needs? It's my understanding that his emotions are all over the place and that he's prone to frequent outburst.” Uther responded while raising his left brow, mouth set in a frown.

 

And no, Arthur did not _know_ if he was equipped to handle Merlin's needs fully. He was relying on Merlin's daily calls to Dr. Monmouth, and his daily calls to Nimueh and Morgana to get him through. But he wouldn't tell any of them that. “I think I'll have everything that I need, father, but thank you for asking.” Arthur finished with a smile.

 

It wasn't quite returned. Uther was still evaluating Arthur and glancing between him and Morgana, before he must have made a decision to let things lie for a moment, summoning for Thomas to bring in the lunch. Thomas being in charge of the household staff, while George being in charge of the overall affairs of the mansion.

 

And Cook – Audrey - outdid herself on the lunch that was prepared. And she did include most of Arthur's childhood favorites, starting with Mince Pies to Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding, to the Lanchasire Hot Spot—which is basically a casserole of meat—Arthur preferred lamb, vegetables, and sliced potatoes. And for dessert Cook went all out and prepared apple pie and lardy cake. When the mince pies, Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding, and Lanchasire Hot Spots were placed on Arthur's plate by Thomas, Arthur thought he was going to throw up just by smelling it. They really were his favorites though. He would have to send Cook a dozen of roses later as a thank you, but his stomach was in knots from being so nervous, from being so _afraid_. And the worse part was...he _had_ to eat. His father would be evaluating this moment, especially since he noticed the weight loss. Arthur swallowed hard before glancing over to Morgana. He could feel the sympathy vibes running through her, he could see the compassion in her eyes. But he also knew that he was on his own. No one could make him eat his food for him, and she couldn't eat his portions either like when they were little and were served something they particularly did not like - broccoli for example - and were told they were not to leave the table until every bite was gone. Morgana would suffer through her portion and turn around and eat his in order to free them both from the table. It didn't take them until they were much older to discover that many of the foods they were forced to eat were based on listings of foods that were meant to improve your mental health and lower your risk for depression. Fat lot of good it did Arthur. But Arthur never forgot those moment when Morgana would step in, and eat his food for him. Not that he's never returned the favor, he has, but still... She was his hero at those moments. This...this is not one of those moments.

 

Uther must have noticed Arthur's hesitance. And why wouldn't he, he's been watching him like he's holding him under a microscope. It wouldn't surprise Arthur if he took out his glasses to slide them on just to get a better look.

 

“Is everything alright with the meal, Arthur?” Uther asked, concerned. “Cook _assured_ me that these were your favorites.” Uther didn't need the assurance though, he knew Arthur and Morgana's likes and dislikes. And knew good and well that the foods prepared were Arthur's favorites. Why he wasn't diving for all it was worth? Was another story entirely.

 

Morgana was about to open her mouth, only to shut it, after the glare that was sent her way from their father. She promptly took a huge gulp of her tea.

 

Arthur heart felt like it sunked. He cleared his throat before responding, tone, hoarse. “Everything is excellent, Cook has definitely outdone herself. We just had such a big breakfast is all, but I'll try and see what kind of damage I can do with this.” Arthur replied with a smile, right hand gesturing over his food.

 

Uther nodded. “See that you do. I've never seen you look like you've lost this much weight. It can't be all that healthy for you, Arthur. And it seems like it came about so fast too.” Uther added, worry clear in his expression and tone.

 

And Arthur was worried too, but for a different reason altogether. Big white building reasons. He swallowed. “I'm working on it. I promise you. The next time you see me, everything should be all back.” Arthur replied, with confidence that he didn't feel. Praying to all the gods, that he could follow through with his promise.

 

“It will make me feel a lot better son.” Uther replied with a smile before giving Arthur a break and turning to Morgana. “And how are you feeling? What are we, almost three months along now?”

 

And Morgana beamed at Uther. “Yes, I just hit the three month mark actually. And I'm doing great. No morning sickness, like I had with Autumn, and I'm full of energy. My emotional levels are high though, but other than that, nothing but smooth sailing so far.”

 

Uther smiled happily at that. “I'm glad to hear it. And how's Gwaine and Autumn?”

 

“Oh their doing wonderful father, you really have to stop by for dinner one evening. Autumn would love to see you. She did an excellent job as one of the wise-men in her school play last night. And she singed the loudest in the house.” Morgana said proudly.

 

“I would have no doubt, she's just like her mother in that regard.” Uther replied just as proud. “I regret that I missed it. I would have come by, but Gaius came by for dinner last night -”

 

Uther was interrupted by Arthur choking on his Yorkshire pudding.

 

“Arthur, did it go down the wrong pipe?” Uther asked, wondering if he needed to call Thomas to give the Heimlich maneuver.

 

Arthur was trying to get himself together, he choked at the exact moment their father mentioned Gaius, he grabbed some water and swallowed half the glass. Thomas was there in a second with the refill. “Thank you, Thomas” Arthur responded, voice hoarse from the choking, before turning to his father, “yeah, it was so good, I think I swallowed it wrong.” Arthur replied smoothly before straining again to eat.

 

Uther could only look at his son in response.

 

Morgana jumped back into their conversation to distract their father. “So you said Gaius came by last night for dinner?”

 

Uther paused for a moment still looking at Arthur, before turning back to Morgana. Tone speculative as he responded. “Yes, he _stopped_ by. He and Hunith will be there tonight at the Christmas Party, since we're combining with the Annual company party as well.”

 

“We are?” Arthur asked cutting in.

 

Uther turned back to his son after looking at Morgana. “Yes, I'm surprised you didn't know. Morgana pushed her dates because she wanted to give you enough time when you returned to have your jet lag out of your system, and since it was so close to the company party date I placed her in charge of doing them both together.”

 

“So you're going to be there also?” Arthur asked, slightly tensed.

 

Uther chuckled. “Of course, is there something wrong with your old man being there?” Uther asked.

 

Arthur shook his head. “Your not an old man, and of course not.” Arthur meant that, somewhat. “There's nothing wrong with you being there.”

 

Uther nodded. “And I'm assuming you're bringing Merlin again as your plus one this year to block off any of the eligible bachelors and bachelorettes again?” Uther asked with a knowing look, his tone following.

 

Arthur swallowed. “How did you know?”

 

Uther chuckled again. “I'm your father, Arthur. Give me some credit in knowing that you were trying to dodge relationships while having Merlin there to add as your eye candy for the evening. Not that I wouldn't mind you actually _choosing_ one of those eligible bachelors or bachelorettes, bachelorettes preferably as they could give me some more grandchildren, but just the same. It would be _nice_ to see you starting to settle down. Your twenty-seven years old after all, and you haven't been in a relationship in years.” Uther commented while stabbing into his roast.

 

Morgana picked it up there. “Well, you'll be surprised to know that Arthur will be attendance tonight, and _with_ a date.”

 

Uther's eyes widened turning from Morgana back to his son. “Really?” Excitement in his tone for Arthur.

 

Arthur nodded, flushing slightly, with a smile. “Really.”

 

“Well, don't hold back, who is this lucky person?” Because Uther didn't know if it was a male or a female. He could only hope that it wasn't Merlin. Not that anything was particularly...wrong with the boy, aside from his mental affliction.

 

“His name is Mordred, Mordred Cummings. I met him while I was out of town, and he lives on the other side of London, but is actually thinking about relocating to live closer to my direction.”

 

Morgana raised an eyebrow on that one. Arthur nodded at her. “He said he was going to look for flats in our neighborhood.”

 

Now Morgana didn't know _how_ she felt about that, but it seemed like Mordred really took a liking to Arthur if he was planning on moving closer by.

 

“Is it serious already?” Uther asked, slightly hesitant. He didn't interfere in the lives of his children. He raised them well, and they had good heads on their shoulders, but if it were serious...he'd rather be prepared ahead of time.

 

“God no,” Arthur said, while shaking his head vigorously. “We've only known each other for a few _weeks_. We weren't even planning on going together tonight. We have a date planned soon, but this is going to end up being our unofficial first date, while the date planned will be our second. It's too soon to tell about anything else.” Arthur answered honestly.

 

Uther respected that. He also knew that Arthur wasn't one to rush into a relationship. That he preferred to have feelings there first. He wasn't one to just 'date', or to sleep around. “That's good to know that you've got a plan, son. So you plan on introducing him to me tonight?” Uther asked, raising his right brow with a smile.

 

No, Arthur most certainly did not _plan_ to introduce Mordred to his father tonight, but it looks like he has no other choice but to. “Certainly, just, no third degrees. I've already told Morgana the same thing, I know how you two can be.”

 

“I take offense to that,” Morgana replied with mocked outrage, for the second time for the day.

 

“I do too,” Uther replied while laughing. “I've never _completely_ given any of your friends the third degree. But you have to know that we'll want to watch him and get to know him. This is the first person you've taken interest in in...” Uther had to pause, before shaking his head and continuing. “I don't even _know_ how long. So of course, we'll want to get to know the person who's managed to knock down some of your defenses to get you to say 'yes' for a date. I don't know what you've been waiting for all of these years, but it's about time.” Uther said while taking a sip of his tea, and nodding. Though he did have an _idea_ on the 'what' Arthur was waiting for, it was only the 'why' that Uther never got. The 'why' Arthur would want to wait, and the 'why' that boy never seemed to notice, but after Gaius' explanation... Uther was starting to have a good understanding for the reason behind that.

 

Arthur couldn't help but to blush again. It did feel like he was a teenager all over again, stepping out into the dating arena, and not knowing what to expect. It felt very...new to him again. Even though Mordred didn't make it feel anyway like that. Mordred made it feel...natural. While Merlin was a hurricane of feelings that Arthur hadn't been able to think through yet. His new found emotions were definitely something that Arthur was _not_ expecting, and those feelings were overwhelming, hitting Arthur, every time they got together. Like two combustible forces clashing. Arthur gathers it will be that way until they are both healthy again. It doesn't mean that it helps them _now_ though. Merlin may call it chemistry, but Arthur calls it Dangerous with a capital 'D'. At least, until he's able to lessen his dependency of Merlin while gaining his identity back. Because as of now, he doesn't stand a chance where Merlin is concerned. Merlin would chew him up for breakfast with all of his experience, and his tendency to push. No, Arthur needs to be able to stand on his own two feet before he could even _think_ about properly being able to handle Merlin in a relationship. And even that's still a big 'if'. The thought only made Arthur's heart ache. Arthur sighed inwardly before addressing his father. “You can talk to him, you can _ask_ him questions, but please do not make him feel uncomfortable.” Arthur asked, remembering how his father would treat Merlin when they were little, like he tends to do sometimes _now_. But to be fair, his father never treated any one that he dated, or any of his _other_ friends unfairly. Not that they wouldn't get the third degree though.

 

“I wouldn't dream of it,” Uther responded while taking a bite of his Yorkshire Pudding. “I'm just happy your getting back out there again, son. It can't be all that healthy. A man in his prime has needs.” Uther said seriously.

 

Morgana barked out a laugh.

 

Arthur turned beet red. “Father!” He choked out. “I can't believe you and Morgana.” Arthur turned appalled looking between the two, before saying indignantly. “There's nothing _wrong_ with my sex life.”

 

“That would entail -”

 

“Shut _up_ , Morgana!” Arthur nearly shouted before controlling himself, remembering where he was.

 

Uther was laughing just as hard as Morgana, while Arthur could only turn more red. Uther thought he would make his son feel better. “Your right son, there's nothing wrong with your sex life. I just said that I was happy that you were getting back out there again. That it is _healthy_ to get out there again. That you _must_ have needs, being in the prime of your life and all.” Uther commented.

 

And yes, Arthur _does_ have needs, but for years his needs have been focused on one person. He hadn't taken the time to consider what the needs would feel like directed at someone else. Until now. But that doesn't mean that everything is going to change instantly just because Mordred came into the picture. He didn't fall in love overnight, and he highly doubts that he will fall _out_ of love overnight, or at all either. “I thank you both for your concern, but I'm doing quite alright. When the one comes along...I'll know it.” Arthur replied honestly.

 

Morgana inwardly sighed. Neither Arthur nor Morgana will realize that Uther did as well. They finished their lunch quite peacefully from there. A few minor conversations about work, about Autumn, about Gwaine, their friends, and about Merlin and his condition. Arthur answered the questions there, knowing more about it from Merlin, from Will, and from studying up on his disorders on his own to better support Merlin. Not that Uther looked all that happy to hear how _aware_ Arthur was of Merlin's condition, or of how much time it seemed he was spending with Merlin, but Uther didn't voice his concern, and Arthur didn't call him on it. Arthur managed to force at least seventy-five to eighty percent of his lunch down, and took the desserts in a to go, which Cook, not wanting to waste anything, put together excitingly. Their father still continued to assess Arthur, while Morgana and Arthur still continued to _pretend_ like all was well. It wasn't long before they were giving their hugs again, and telling their father that they would see him later. Having George walk them to the door, passing them their jackets, to let them out. When they got back to Morgana's SUV, both she and Arthur breathed in and breathed out heavily.

 

It was Arthur who broached the question. Tone and expression, nervous. “Do you think he knows?”

 

Morgana nodded. “I don't know what he does...but he sure as hell knows something by the way he was acting.”

 

Arthur sucked in a breath, his chest was starting to tighten again. Morgana turned to him fully before putting on her seat belt. “Don't worry about it, Arthur. There's absolutely nothing that you can do. You're going away, for two weeks. And as long as you continue to eat like you have been you should be able to gain another ten pounds.”

 

“But...” there always had to be a 'but' Arthur thought to himself.

 

“But..., I'm worried about you going out there with Merlin. Even with my speaking with you everyday and coming up mid-stay. Merlin brings some of those same reactions out of you that I saw in there. Just...for different reasons. And you don't eat when you get like that. I need you to make a full effort of making sure that you eat. I'm sending a chef along, and the lake-house is already loaded with food by the staff there, but there will be no couch there - meaning me – who will be there to encourage you to eat. I need you to make sure that you do, or to call me if you need encouragement. We can't afford for you to lose any more weight. It is _imperative_ that you put as much weight on as possible. And if that means you'll need some distance from Merlin while your up there...make sure that you do it. That lake-house is huge, eight bedrooms, ten bathrooms, studies, a whole home away from home. There's no reason why you two can't have space when you need it. Don't overwhelm yourself and don't allow Merlin to overwhelm you either.” Morgana pleaded. She could throw herself into oncoming traffic for Arthur, but it doesn't mean that the traffic won't stop and wait for it's intended target again. If Uther wanted Arthur, if she couldn't get him better, they both knew on some level that there was nothing that she could do at the end. Which meant...Arthur _had_ to watch out for himself too.

 

“Merlin won't do anything to hurt me, Morgana.” Arthur tried to reassure.

 

Morgana almost scowled at Arthur, almost. “I never said that he would. Not intentionally anyway. But the fact of the matter is...he _has_. And your about to go up to the lake-house with him for one possibly two weeks, when spending a _night_ with him makes you not want to eat for days, making you lose weight. And don't even get me started on the panic and anxiety attacks. So _forgive me_ if the alarm bells are going off right now!” Morgana ended with a shout. Arthur recoiled instantly at that. She calmed down. Her emotions were starting to go haywire. Pregnancy did that for her. Add the stressful talk she had with Arthur this morning, the lunch with their father on the defense, and the stressful conversation now....well, Morgana thought she had the _right_ to shout. Especially if Arthur didn't see where she was coming from. Their father was obviously on to something!

 

She sighed deeply. And so did Arthur.

 

“I promise I'll do what I can.” Arthur said, trying to calm Morgana down. Her worry was written all over her face. “I'll do my best.”

 

She nodded. “See that you do, Arthur.” Morgana replied with a nod again, before buckling up, waiting for Arthur to as well, and starting up her Lexus. She knew what she was going to have to do. She couldn't rely on Arthur alone to do this, she was going to have to talk to Merlin. She could only hope that he cared enough for her brother's well-being, and not just for having a _relationship_ with him, to look out for him too.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A penny for your thoughts.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second part of chapter 24.
> 
> Again this chapter is unbeta'd. I've went through it several times, but it doesn't mean that I haven't missed anything. If you see it please feel free to point it out, and I will make the corrections. With that being said, I hope you enjoy the second half of this chapter!

 

The banquet hall was stunning. Arthur thought. As he stood tall looking around in his - Ike Behar - Black Waverly Tuxedo, black genuine patent leather shoes by Brentano to match. _How_ Morgana managed to oversee everything--while working, while taking care of her family, while taking care of _him_... Arthur, had no idea. She was definitely a one woman show. And tonight, she was a picture of radiance in her Emerald Green Mac Duggal evening gown. The cap sleeves bodice set to showcase off her best assets, in a sparkling and shining display of twinkling crystal adornments. The gown - form fitting - flowing into a full-length mermaid silhouette hem that pulled everything together perfectly. And if she wasn't finished. Then styling her hair into a 1920s faux bob finished it for her. She was beautiful. And Gwaine. Gwaine was glowing, full of pride standing beside her in his Armani Black Tuxedo - and emerald green bowtie to match Morgana's gown - like the proprietary husband that he's proven that he can be over the years.

 

And Morgana was positively glowing. Obviously pleased with the results after looking around. And why shouldn't she be? The place looked amazing, decorated throughout with holiday festive cheer, while still maintaining the professional, tasteful, and elegant atmosphere all the same that's been set by the Pendragons, for those snobby clients that neither Arthur _nor_ Morgana particularly cared for. She _should_ be proud of everything. _Except_...for those fruity looking red and green sparkling drinks - mystery drinks – that seemed to be readily available for all. Arthur thought he'd pass. He could only assume there was a surprise hidden in those drinks for the unsuspecting fool. But whatever the case, everything _else_ was beautifully done. And the Christmas music playing from Harold and his band - in between the classics songs for the traditional party - fitted in just right with everything else too. It would _certainly_ make their father proud that his daughter put it all together so wonderfully, and with such short notice at that. Arthur only hoped he could get _himself_ together to make their father proud of him too, _without_ having to worry about him.

 

“Thank you, for bringing me here tonight.” Mordred said, as he finished looking around the room too, in awe, before turning back to look at Arthur. Eyes shining. Also dressed in his black tuxedo, black patent leather shoes. Something that he actually managed to have in his closet at home, being the best man at his sister's wedding only months before.

 

Arthur smiled. “I'll have to admit, I cannot take the credit for that, _again_. It was my sister's idea. We were talking about it this morning, and she thought it would be perfect for you to have an introduction to my world. Her words - give or take - not mine.” Arthur added.

 

Mordred nodded. “Remind me that I have to buy her something special. She's making my job so much easier.” Mordred said, with a sly grin. And he was being completely honest in that regard.

 

“Your job?” Arthur asked, while raising his right brow.

 

“My _job_ ,” Mordred nodded, with a smile, eyes twinkling, “of sweeping you off your feet.”

 

Arthur flushed at that.

 

“And that,” Mordred raised his right hand to touch Arthur's cheek, “was my reward.”

 

Arthur smiled.

 

“Shall we dance?” Mordred asked, expectantly.

 

Arthur chuckled. It sounded more giddy. “We shall.” He responded softly, holding out his right hand for Mordred, Mordred taking it easily, as they walked onto the dance floor together for a dance.

 

~ * ~

 

Merlin, for the life of him, did not understand _why_ he decided to torture himself by showing up to the party, that he wanted to decline the offer to, the _moment_ the words came out of Arthur's mouth. Why would he do something so stupid as to show up? Why?! Oh yes, he remembered it all _now_ , it was because – he - was in love. He was in love, for the first time in his life, while at the same time... being able to do absolutely _nothing_ about it! He had to _watch_ , the man that he loved be _wooed_ by some guy that he'd only met nearly three weeks ago, while no one else, thought the wiser of it. And on top of that, he couldn't interfere. He couldn't voice his _feelings_ on the matter. And he needed to be on his best behavior. Otherwise, Arthur might think his actions towards _him_ – and by extension, Mordred - were wrong, and out of jealousy. It didn't seem very fair to Merlin. Although...Merlin couldn't lie to himself on the Mordred front if he tried. Arthur would be right on this one thing regarding Merlin's thoughts where Mordred was concerned. And the jealousy part, wouldn't be very far from the truth.

 

But it didn't matter. Arthur wouldn't see it that way. Arthur would think that he didn't _care_ about his recovery, and that he was being selfish. And granted, Merlin understands now that he _has_ made an ass out of himself. That he was - in fact - pushing, that he was putting himself first, that he wasn't considering Arthur's condition--like he should have, but in his understanding of it all he _also_ understands that his actions were that, of a desparate man. He understands that he was/is desparate. That he was/is, trying to hold on to the last of all that he was able to, with all that he had able to do it with. If he gave into everything, it would be as if he was giving up on Arthur, something that he couldn't/wouldn't do. Merlin stood by the corner of the bar, contemplating the meaning of it all, as he took another drink from a passing waiter. Some fruity concoction of red and green that tasted strongly of vodka, as he watched Arthur and Mordred dance to another song.

 

~ * ~

 

“Are you doing alright?” Gwen asked as she walked up to Merlin. Dressed in her Purple - Mac Duggal's - off the shoulder straps gown that lead to a dazzling _illusion,_ of a bodice—covered in shimmering floral adornments all in the right places. The full length style of the gown skimmed her shape. The gown, also designed with a sweep train - and high side slit - completed the look. That, and her hair being pulled up into a loose bun, showing off her curls as it slipped out, cascading teasingly around her face. She looked glorious. Merlin doubted Lance would let her wander very far away from him for the evening. In fact, he doubted very much that Gwen was out of Lance's eyesight now.

 

Merlin nodded, giving Gwen a small grin. “I'm doing just fine. And you look beautiful tonight.” Merlin added, smiling brighter, eyes shining.

 

Gwen blushed. “Thank you, Merlin. Morgana took me on the wild side when choosing this thing.” Was her only reply on the gown. “Are you planning on dancing tonight?” She asked, while watching Merlin take another sip of his drink.

 

He shook his head. “Not on the cards. Only if someone asks.”

 

“Well that won't be long.” Elena added, as she walked to stand on the other side of Merlin. Dressed in her Champagne – Shanghai - V neck, sleeveless, floor length – mermaid customized - backless gown. Hair styled in a High voluminous bun. She looked sexy. And Merlin complimented her instantly, before she continued. “I've seen a few blokes checking you out already. Even some ladies,” Elena added, while shaking her head, “if only they knew.” She chuckled. Because Merlin, was 100% gay. _“Not that I couldn't possibly appreciate a woman,”_ Elena thought back—recalling Merlin's words to her some years ago, “ _but she probably wouldn't be walking away very happy once I was through with her. And if she did,_ I _probably wouldn't be. She would definitely have to be really good to make that happen.” Merlin confided with a laugh._ Elena never forgot that conversation.

 

And Merlin was aware of the looks, he just wasn't sending any _available_ vibes off to _anyone,_ at all. But he knew he was looking good in his black tuxedo, that fitted him just right - with his ocean blue tie, that matched his eyes - and his hair styled in the - just got shagged – look. Merlin wished he did. It would have taken the edge off of his stress. Too bad, he thought, before responding, almost too innocently. “Really, I haven't noticed.”

 

“Now where's _our_ Merlin, and what have you done with him?” Elena asked with a smirk.

 

“And tell us soon, in case we have to go pull him out of a dumpster, or something.” Gwen added, matching Elena's smirk.

 

Merlin could only shake his head at them both. He chuckled. “Nope, he's right here.” Pointing to himself with his left forefinger. “Just...not on the prowl tonight ladies.” Merlin replied honestly, a twinge of sadness in his voice and expression.

 

Gwen felt bad for him, but she understood what was going on. She knew what Arthur had to do, and she knew that Merlin was in direct line to watch him and Mordred dancing across the dance floor. Assuming he purposely _chose_ his spot in the banquet hall, which Gwen, had no doubt that Merlin did. She used her left hand to rub Merlin's shoulder briefly. “It's going to be alright, Merlin.” Gwen said softly.

 

“It _will_ be,” Elena added. Because she doubted highly that everything was going to be alright instantly.

 

Merlin wasn't so sure. “I know.” Was all he could say. He needn't have anyone worrying about him. They had their own lives to live.

 

~ * ~

 

“Merls,” Will called out, Sophia at his side as he walked over to Merlin. “How's it going, mate?” He asked, concerned, as he scoped out the place, looking slightly uncomfortable in his black tuxedo, and his red tie to match Sophia's gown. Sophia standing beside him in her gorgeous red - Party Time Prima Donna - halter gown, enhanced by a sharp V neckline - bodice covered in twinkling accents, designed to trail downwards surrounding her waistline - her long hair styled in waves, looked for all the world like she belonged. And she did.

 

“I'm fine Will, Sophia,” Merlin smiled at her. “You two just getting here? You look beautiful by the way,” Merlin added for Sophia. “In fact, all of you ladies have outdone yourselves this evening, with your _gorgeous_ gowns, did up hairdos, and your high heeled designer shoes to match. The time and preparation... I don't know how you do it.” Merlin declared in awe. Laying it on thick. He knew those extra compliments were not, Will's strong suit, at the best of times, considering how blunt he's been towards him, without trying to think of his feelings at the time when presenting things. Even though Merlin couldn't blame Will for that. He asked for it. And Will was like a brother to him. But if there was one thing that Merlin was _very_ good at...it would be laying on the charm, when he needed to.

 

And it worked.

 

Sophia beamed at Merlin. “Thank you, _Merlin_ , at least there's _one_ man in this world who _notices_ beauty _– and -_ understands that beauty, takes _time_.” Sophia spoke gently to Merlin, with all kindness, and before Will could object to anything she said, her tone turned sharp. “I'm so happy that _you_ can appreciate it. And can you believe we had a flat tire on the way over here? Will had to call someone to change it. He couldn't get his tux dirty you know. It's what made us late.” Sophia added, getting angry again just talking about it. Not about the tux getting dirty, she would have been more angry about that. But about having to have to change the flat tire in the first place. It was just their luck. She thought to herself. Though Will blamed their tardiness on her much needed time to prepare. The idiot didn't even compliment her on her dress. If he only knew how much she spent for it. Maybe next time...he'd pay more attention.

 

“Oh, I can believe it,” Merlin replied, with a display of empathy in his expression, “life has a way of working out that way. But at least you made it, and it's not too late, you haven't missed anything.” Merlin tried to assure.

 

Will looked at Merlin as if saying, _“thank you, that's what I've been trying to tell her all along.”_ But apparently it took Merlin to be the one that said it because Sophia smiled at him and breathed out, feeling for all the world better. Will, not really getting why Sophia was upset with him, turned his head and rolled his eyes, before addressing Merlin.

 

“So you stuck with it didn't you? You didn't bring a date?” Will asked knowingly.

 

Merlin nodded, slightly proud of himself, he'd never gone to anything like this _without_ a date before. “I stuck to my word.” Merlin replied with a smile.

 

“It's too bad Mithian went home to Liverpool to visit her family for the holidays, you could have had your own plus one like you did at Autumn's play.” Will said, with sympathy.

 

It didn't work though, Merlin thought. Mordred still managed to get under his skin. And he knew that he and Mithian were only going as friends, it was not the same thing. Merlin didn't lead on to that though, Will and by extension Sophia, worried enough about him. “It's alright. It doesn't make a difference. It's only one night, and I'm heading off to Wales tomorrow.” Merlin said cheerily.

 

“Well,” Sophia said, as she walked closer to Merlin to pull him down into a hug, “that's in case I don't see you before you go. We're going to miss you.”

 

Merlin raised his right brow. “Well, from what I heard there's a good chance you guys might come up to visit us mid-stay with Morgana, Gwaine, and Autumn.”

 

Will choked, on air. “Really,” Will shook his head. “No one mentioned-- oi!” Will shrieked, as Sophia jabbed him in the ribs with her elbow.

 

“Morgana hasn't _decided_ on anything yet. She mentioned it to me, but it depends on if she needs reinforcements or not.” Sophia added, tone not even remotely guilty for keeping that from Will.

 

“Well it would have been nice to have been _told_.” Will replied while raising a brow at his wife.

 

“It wasn't anything _concrete_ yet.” And this time she did seem a little guilty.

 

Will sighed at his wife, before turning back to Merlin. “I'll call you if I hear anything, Merls.” Will responded, while looking at his wife again for confirmation. She nodded. It was their communication for saying she won't hold anything else from him on the subject.

 

Merlin always thought they were cute before. They never _faked_ their relationship. They were as real as it got, what you see is what you get. But they loved each other fiercely and they loved their child, and that was all you could want. It was the best drunken one night stand that Will could have ever have had because he hit the jackpot that night with Sophia. Merlin's new found emotions allowed him to see things more clearly between them in that regard. Even though he had similar thoughts before.

 

It made Merlin wonder what would have happened if he and Arthur had a drunken one night stand. But then he realized he always had too much control to get drunk and that he had a high tolerance level. He would have been taking advantage of Arthur, and it would have not meant the same thing. But still, if it could have happened... Merlin had to let that thought go. The bottom line was he screwed up and he might just end up paying the ultimate price for it. Even though it wasn't a price that he was quite, willing to pay. “Why don't you two go and dance. They're playing some lovely music and the gang is all here, I'm sure they're just dying to see you both.” Merlin tried, with a smile.

 

“You're going to be alright?” Will asked.

 

“I'll be absolutely fine.” Merlin responded, without hesitation.

 

“You're not just telling us that right?” Sophia asked, while raising her left brow.

 

“And if I were?” Merlin asked while raising his right brow, giving a smirk.

 

“Don't get smart, Merlin.” Sophia chided. “You know we worry about you. We don't want to see you all alone to your lonesome while we're having fun on our own.”

 

“And I appreciate that, but I promise you both,” Merlin stopped to glance at Will and Sophia both, “that I will be _fine_. Don't worry about me. It's only one night, I _will_ make it through.” Merlin tone was sure as he responded to them.

 

“All right,” Sophia was not totally convinced, “but we'll be back by to check on you throughout the evening.” She finished, resigned.

 

“Have fun.” Merlin responded, before pulling Sophia into a hug again, and then giving Will a half hug.

 

He breathed freely as they left him to dance and meet with the rest of the lot.

 

~ * ~

 

Arthur couldn't help but glance Merlin's way several times throughout the evening. He looked bloody gorgeous in his black suit and the tie that matched the color of his eyes. The tie, that Arthur _purchased_ for him two years ago. It will and forever will be, Arthur's favorite color. He wanted to go to Merlin, but he remembered Morgana's words, and if he started to lose his will...he remembered Nimueh's. He needed time, and he needed distance. He needed to lessen his dependency on Merlin, and he needed to gain his independence. It hurt to be separated from Merlin on something that they've done together every year but he realized that it was necessary, and if he needed another reminder of that he only needed to look at his father. Someone who was watching him suspiciously, throughout the evening. And on top of that he had a gorgeous date that stood before him, and every time his mind drifted, Mordred pulled him back before long. And Arthur had to admit, he _was_ having a good time. He promised Mordred that he could have all of the dances, all except - for one - and a few that were reserved for family and friends, and Arthur...was a man of his word. So he enjoyed himself, and he never allowed Mordred to think that he was anything less for him, while they were together. This was a date, and Arthur treated Mordred as he himself would want to be treated on a date. It was only right. Even though it never stopped his thoughts from returning back to Merlin, nor did it stop his eyes from gazing across the dance floor every now and again.

 

~ * ~

 

Everyone looked lovely, Merlin thought. And everyone was having a wonderful time. Morgana had truly outdone herself. Like she's done every year since she's hosted these gatherings. Merlin may not have wanted to come, but he couldn't deny that fact either. Even though there were some things that Merlin wished _would_ change. Like some of the posh gits in attendance. Because it was those same - some - that harassed him from year to year. And Merlin noticed them as they navigated around the room like sharks, just looking someone to prey upon. They looked down at him as usual, _but_ they didn't deem him worthy of speaking of this time around. Merlin guessed that they didn't deem him worthy because they didn't _have_ to. Because they finally got what they wanted. They'd finally gotten their wish, and all of their efforts finally paid off. Because Arthur, was with someone else. Someone who actually _did_ fit in with their society circle it seemed. And how could Merlin think any differently? When the proof was there for him to see. Merlin hadn't heard one negative word being said about Mordred the entire evening. From anyone. Apparently, he was a hit. And that was saying something in the world of the Pendragons. It made Merlin's chest hurt just thinking about it.

 

There were a few more people that came back to check on him throughout the night. Will and Sophia as promised. And then Freya and Percy, Elyan and Vivian, Lance and Leon, and even Gwaine. Arthur and Morgana were the only ones who hadn't spoken a word to him yet. Merlin didn't count Mordred as part of their group, even though it was looking like he would be soon. Arthur seemed like he was making a _point_ of including Mordred in his interactions with the others.

 

And Merlin, Merlin understood that Arthur would be preoccupied with his date. He's been Arthur's plus one before. He really wasn't expecting anything more - or less - from Arthur tonight. It wasn't like Arthur didn't contact him to prepare him. He did. He left him a message on his voice mail. However, it didn't make it hurt any less, as he watched Mordred cling to Arthur like another layer of skin. It didn't make it hurt any less, the way he watched Arthur smile at Mordred. It didn't make it hurt any less watching Mordred holding Arthur's hand, or the sly way that he would put Arthur's hair back in place as an excuse to touch him. No it didn't make it hurt any less. It made Merlin want to barf.

 

Merlin could only stand there and watch. And even as he walked around and mingled, he'd always end up returning back to the same spot. The same spot where he tortured himself again and again to _watch_ Arthur and Mordred dance. Maybe it was his penance. His penance for missing Arthur's signs over the years. Merlin didn't know. He'd refused the dance offers from some very handsome and eligible bachelors already-- and a few bachelorettes, but he was beginning to wonder if he _should_ continue to refuse them. And as he considered it, he reminded himself that he probably did _deserve_ to be alone right now. Maybe it would give him the opportunity to understand how Arthur dealt with being alone, while waiting for him to come around. Maybe it would give him the opportunity to see how Arthur felt, to watch him date others freely, without care. And as Merlin tried to think about it, as he continued to torture himself while watching Arthur and Mordred dance, he realized that he would _never_ be able to truly understand how Arthur felt. He knew for a fact he wouldn't be able to _endure_ seven years of what Arthur endured. Arthur must have had Herculean strength and patience. Because two nights of Arthur and Mordred together was already _killing_ Merlin. He would _never_ be able to understand how Arthur did it. Merlin just wasn't _built_ that way.

 

And if he couldn't understand...perhaps... Perhaps penance, _was_ what he deserved.

 

“Merlin,”

 

And Merlin _knew_ that voice, he turned to his right to see a slight disturbance in the crowd, before he was graced with the presence of his mum. “Mum,” Merlin responded, tone shocked and hoarse. As he saw his mum approach wearing an Eggplant - Terani – evening gown that fit her like a glove, showing off exquisite patterns, with a twist detail that livened up her mid-section. The skirt of the gown plummeting to the floor in a wrap around design. Her hair up in a french twist up-do. She looked beautiful, and way too young to be his mum. “You look beautiful.” Merlin choked out.

 

“My boy,” She said as she reached Merlin and pulled him down into a hug. “Thank you,” She said as she kissed his cheek, before adding, “and your not too bad yourself there.” She replied with a smile.

 

Gaius following close behind her to pull Merlin into a hug too, wearing his black tuxedo. His long hair in a ponytail for the evening.

 

“What are you doing over here all by yourself?” Hunith asked, eyes looking over her son, worry clear in her expression.

 

Merlin shrugged. “Just having a drink and watching the fun. It's _not_ my night.” And Merlin was being honest in saying that, because it really _wasn't_ his night. He'd only need to look across the dance floor to be reminded of that fact. Which, he couldn't help doing again, by reflex. Only to feel the ongoing torture again. Merlin only hoped he kept it out of expression.

 

Apparently he failed to.

 

Hunith and Gaius turned as well to see what was capturing Merlin's attention, only to sense his pain, and to turn back to _see it_ in Merlin's countenance.

 

“It's going to be alright my boy,” Gaius said, while squeezing Merlin's left arm with his right hand.

 

Merlin sucked in a breath. “There's no one who can guarantee me that everything will be alright. There's no sense in promising something that is an unknown.” Merlin responded, tone grieved, as he looked between his uncle and his mum, his eyes slightly glossy. He didn't _want_ to talk about it. He really didn't. It was breaking his heart to see Arthur with someone else. Knowing that he could have had him a long time ago if it wasn't for his own stupidity, and his own freakin illness. That somehow screwed him over in more ways than one.

 

Hunith took Merlin's glass and placed it on the tray of a passing waiter before she pulled Merlin down for another hug. “It's going to be alright, my boy. It may look dim right now, it may look like you can't have the things that you want, but I promise you it won't _always_ be this way. Even if you don't get exactly what you want you _will_ be happy.”

 

 _Like you are?_ Merlin wanted to ask. But thought better of it. Wanting to _live_ to see another day, thank you very much. And Merlin understood his own limits. Knew full well how stubborn and determined he could be for something that he truly wanted. But he was realistic too. When all was said and done. And he understood that he may have to come to terms with the fact that Arthur may not _choose_ to be with him, once they were both healthy again. No matter what anyone else tried to say to reassure him on the matter. Not that anyone's _tried_ to say anything on the matter of Arthur actually wanting him. And Merlin wasn't blind. He understood that he had too many things working against him. He _was_ verbally and physically abused for years. He _was_ violently and verbally bullied throughout most of his life. He was _still_ getting similar treatment of not fitting in from society circles now. And Merlin didn't even want to start on how he mentally closed himself off from feeling the pain from it all, along with his feelings for Arthur. He'd hurt Arthur for seven years because he closed himself off from those said feelings. And if that weren't enough. He suffers from a fear of acceptance/rejection/and confrontation disorder to boot. Who in the hell in their right mind would want someone like him?! Why would Arthur want him if he physically makes Arthur ill? If Arthur got depressed simply for _loving_ him? Why would Arthur want him if he had someone like Mordred around instead? Someone Arthur has something in common with. Someone who caters to Arthur's needs. Someone who _can_ express the words behind their thoughts, and can _show_ Arthur how much he's loved, _without_ leaving any doubt. Someone who's love Arthur could actually _believe_ in. Why would Arthur want Merlin if he could have someone like that? And that's the crux, because Merlin...didn't know the answer to that. Merlin swallowed hard and shook his head. “It will be alright. I know this. I just need some...time, to process everything, to sort things out, but you two needn't worry.” Merlin said with a big smile that his eyes didn't quite match.

 

Hunith and Gaius were not in the least convinced. If Hunith's worried expression and Gaius' raised brow was anything to show for it.

 

It only took Merlin a second to realize that.

 

“Really,” Merlin tried again to reassure. “I will be fine, I promise. I've got the next two weeks to get away from here for a while to check out the lake. And who knows, maybe I'll even learn how to fish.” Merlin tried for another smile. It was a travesty. And his eyes were getting glossier. He couldn't face them much longer. They knew him too well. It was like dealing with Arthur when he was on to something. “Why don't you two go and dance, this is a party right?”

 

Hunith and Gaius could only look at Merlin worriedly. And watching Merlin like this only broke Hunith's heart more because she felt responsible for what's happened to him. If she was only home more, if she only spoke to Merlin more when he was little, if she only detected the abuse, if she only noticed the bruises, if she only noticed the withdrawing, if she only kicked Balinor out sooner, if she only noticed the bullying, if she only got Merlin to a doctor when he was younger... So many what ifs. Would it all have made a difference now? Hunith thought so, that's why she couldn't help but blame herself. Her eyes started to water too.

 

And that's where Merlin broke again inside, because he couldn't bear to watch his mum cry, and especially not for him. “I _am_ fine. I _promise_ you,” Merlin closed his expression off, reining in his emotions to block anything from his tone, as he continued. “I am doing just fine. I'm just not much for company tonight, and I don't _feel_ like dancing with any of the eligible bachelors in the room, that _is_ all. You two go, dance, have fun. I see Uther standing on the other side of the ballroom with Gwaine and Morgana. You can save them from him. And I'm certain he would be delighted to see you both.” Merlin said in all sincerity, leaving nothing in his tone or expression that showed anything that would make them worry.

 

Hunith and Gaius were not fooled anymore by this, but they did not force it either. Merlin didn't _want_ to talk about it, and though they realize that following Merlin up on this over the years didn't benefit anyone, they also knew enough to understand that bothering him in front of hundreds of people...wouldn't benefit anyone either. So they concurred, however reluctantly.

 

~ * ~

 

Merlin was visited a few more times by Will and Sophia, and again by Leon, Lance, and Percy throughout the night. He was also visited once more by his mum and Gaius. He understood that they all had dates, and that they were _expected_ to be _with_ their said dates. It wasn't like Merlin _couldn't_ have a date of his own. It wasn't like Merlin _couldn't_ be out on the dance floor right now. It was by _choice -_ his choice - and however lonely that choice was for Merlin, he was sticking by it. He'd dated more people than most would in a life-time, so it wasn't like he was being deprived by going one night without a date. It wasn't a hardship. Even though it _felt_ that way. Merlin sighed, as he downed another fruity concoction, before deciding, that he couldn't watch Arthur and Mordred any longer. He saw the moment where Mordred was introduced to Uther. He saw how polite and charming Uther was to him, how _friendly_ Uther was to Mordred - the complete opposite of how Uther treated him - and that was it. He couldn't take it anymore. Merlin grabbed another fruity concoction from a passing waiter, passing off his old glass, and found himself out on the balcony five minutes later.

 

The night sky was beautiful. The moon was full, the stars were bright, and the city below was a gorgeous site in the night light. It made Merlin want to be out there, instead of in a stuffy banquet hall. It made him want to be far away, in a world where things could be better. Where love didn't _hurt_ so much. Where people weren't punished for past mistakes. Where people didn't have to worry about never being with the one that they loved. It made him long for the times where he could take away the pain again. When it was so easy. But he realized that doing that would only be running away again, and what would be the reward in that? He knows what it feels like to love Arthur now. He knows what it feels like to hold Arthur in his arms. He knows what it feels like to kiss Arthur soft lips, to feel his breath against his, to feel the beating of Arthur's heart against his own. He doesn't think he'd ever _want_ to lose that feeling again. Not even to close himself off - to protect himself fully again - not if he could have a chance to have Arthur completely. Not if Arthur could truly be his, in every sense of the word. With every part of his being. He was Arthur's the moment he came back to himself. If only Arthur could see that. If only Arthur would _want_ that! Merlin was able to control so many things, but the human heart...how Arthur would see him, if he would receive him fully, if he could see how much Merlin loved him...that, was something Merlin could _not_ control. And it was _killing_ him, to watch everything unfold without, truly having a say in his own fate. It was _killing_ him, to stand by and _watch_ Arthur with someone else _knowing_ good and well that that someone else would want Arthur for himself. Would try to _keep_ Arthur for himself! And who in their right mind would let Arthur go if they had the opportunity to keep him?! If Arthur would stay? Merlin sure as hell wouldn't. That's for sure. He wasn't _in_ his - right mind - when he did before in the first place. But he is now. And he wouldn't let Arthur go if he had the opportunity. If he had a _say_ in the matter of keeping him. The only problem is...he _doesn't_ have a say.

 

Merlin vision was beginning to blur. The night sky didn't look quite as clear, as it had before. It took him a few minutes to be able to tell why. He was...crying. He'd never cried as much as he's had over the past month since he was a little child. He'd protected himself from that when he sealed himself off from the pain. Now it seems, it's another emotion that he's lost control of along with his new found emotions. And his overwhelming feeling of love. Merlin didn't quite like the feeling of vulnerability that came from it. It took away from his control, it caused the pain to hurt more, even though people seem to think crying was freeing. And who the hell came up with that? Because whoever started that saying lied. It didn't feel very freeing for Merlin because the pain never seemed to go away. And he never felt any different from before he started crying to begin with. He only felt more pain. He only felt like he was in that same - hollow - place he started off in to begin with, without Arthur.

 

~ * ~

 

Merlin tears finally stopped falling a few minutes earlier. He was still enjoying the night light when he heard the final call announcement for the night. The final call for the last dance. It must be approaching the midnight hour, Merlin thought to himself. He never left his place on the balcony to check the time, and he forgot to wear his watch. He knows the routine though. It's been the same routine every year for as long as he remembered. The DJ – Harold - would make an announcement that the final dance of the night was coming up next, and to make it count. It was the same band that was used every year. The DJ must be a romantic because he would always say that the last dance was special, and that the last dance should be with someone that you loved, and nothing less would do. And if you didn't have that someone special than you should make a love connection. It was always funny to Merlin. It wasn't like he was ever in love, or like he could make a love connection at the Christmas Party, because he never came alone. So he danced with the same person that he danced with every year. He was Arthur's plus one after all. And if they were apart - at the time of the announcement - Arthur would always find him for the last dance. No matter _where_ he was. He doubted it would be the same this year. Arthur had Mordred for his plus one after all.

 

~ * ~

 

“Merlin,”

 

Merlin heard Arthur's voice, it sent a chill down his spine, but he must have been imagining things, because he didn't think Arthur would be looking for him. He thought it best to ignore it. He didn't want to look like a fool by turning around to someone else, or worse--to no one at all.

 

“Merlin,” Arthur called out for Merlin again, as he approached Merlin from his place looking over the ledge of the balcony into the night sky. He reached out with his right hand to touch Merlin's left shoulder.

 

Merlin startled, before turning to his left. To see Arthur standing beside him. And apparently, out of breath. “Arthur,” Merlin responded hoarsely. He swallowed. Arthur was beautiful in the night light. His skin brightened so beautifully, his eyes were so clear, his lips-- so red. Merlin groaned inwardly before turning back to look into the sky. “I wasn't...expecting you.”

 

“I can see that.” Arthur responding, equally hoarse. He saw the way Merlin was looking at him. He felt the emotions rolling off of Merlin. It hurt to be out here, but he couldn't stay away. “I told you in the message that the last dance was mine. Didn't you hear it?”

 

Merlin winced. “I listened to your message.”

 

“You just didn't listen to all of it.” Arthur finished, what Merlin left unsaid.

 

Merlin turned to him. “How did you --”

 

“Know, because I know you, and I know you probably didn't get past the part where I said I was going with Mordred. I saw how jealous you were last night.”

 

“I wasn't jealous.” Merlin lied, but replied indignantly.

 

Arthur raised a brow, as in saying, _“do you really want to play that game?”_

 

Merlin grimaced.

 

“I told you, to save the last dance for me.” Arthur said softly, while watching Merlin. “But in seeing you tonight I could only gather that you didn't get that message.”

 

Merlin closed his eyes, sighing heavily. “No, I didn't get that message. I expected your last dance to be with Mordred.”

 

“Well it's not.”

 

“And where is he?” Merlin really had a problem keeping the bitterness out of his tone where Mordred was concerned.

 

“He's dancing with my sister,” Arthur replied easily.

 

And _if_  it couldn't be worse, Merlin thought to himself, Mordred, was in the family now. “Lovely,” he gritted out, “and who's going to dance with Gwaine?”

 

“Your mum, is going to dance with Gwaine.” Arthur answered. While Gaius was going to see to his father. To distract him. To keep him from knowing that Arthur was coming out to the balcony to dance with Merlin. Arthur didn't _need_ for his father to grow any more suspicious. Though Merlin didn't _need_ to know about that. Merlin had his own problems. He didn't need to know what was going on with Arthur too. That there was a major _risk_ of his father finding out about his mental condition. That his father didn't _know_ anything about his mental condition. And what – exactly – could result from it if he did. It was almost too much for Arthur to bear, it was no sense in worrying Merlin about it too. And Merlin might not even understand the severity of what it actually means anyway. No, it was no sense in Merlin finding out.

 

“Even more lovely.” Merlin said, deadpanned, he couldn't help it, Mordred was getting to him.

 

“Merlin,” Arthur called his name, clearly getting frustrated. Because Merlin was about to get jealous again, and it was going to ruin the moment. And Arthur was trying.

 

Merlin took a deep breath. “Yes.”

 

“May I have this last dance?” Arthur asked, tenderly.

 

Merlin turned back to Arthur. “Out here, on the balcony.” Merlin asked, while waving his left hand around the space on the balcony.

 

And Arthur looked around too. There was plenty of room. And the night sky was radiant. And there was something about the way Merlin's skin bounced off of the light from the moon. His pale skin, his dark hair, those ocean blue eyes that Arthur loved so much. Arthur sucked in a breath. Merlin...he looked _ethereal_. There was no better word for it. And it reminded Arthur again of why he loved Merlin so damn much. And Arthur sucked in another breath. Just looking at Merlin made his heart skip a beat. “Yes,” he said, as if in a trance, “out here, on the balcony.”

 

Merlin could only watch Arthur. As much as he wanted to believe it...it was too good to be true. It was like he waited all night to hear those six words from Arthur. He'd wait even longer if he could hear three more. But that was asking too much. He spoke unbidden, as he answered, “yes,” his tone, hoarse. His eyes, glossy.

 

And Arthur smiled. “Give me, one moment.” Was all that he said before he walked over to the balcony door. He did a little hand gesture to someone.

 

Merlin didn't know who Arthur spoke to, but it only took a moment before the music changed and the DJ was back on the mic making an announcement. “Now everyone. This is the last dance of the night. And as I reminded everyone the last dance, is a dance for the one that you love. It's the dance for that special someone in your life so make it count. Let them know how much they're loved. It's the greatest Christmas gift that you could possibly give. And for those of you who haven't made a love connection...” There was a pause. Merlin could only imagine Harold looking out at the guest, as he'd done every year. “Then make one.” Harold said with a chuckle. And Merlin heard laughter from the ballroom. “Now this last song, comes at a request from a good friend of mine. And it's one of my favorite songs too so I hope I do it justice. With that said, let's dance with that special someone to the tunes of the late great Etta James, let's give it up for 'At Last'.” Harold finished. Applause being heard from the ballroom.

 

And Merlin sucked in a breath, his eyes was shining again, he swallowed hard, as he saw Arthur walking back towards him, his eyes shining too, with a little nervousness behind it.

 

“That's...my...favorite song,” Was all that Merlin could gasp out.

 

“I know,” Arthur said softly, and no, Arthur was _not_ going to tell Merlin the significance of what that song meant to him just yet. He was _not_ ready for that discussion. “I know.” Was all Arthur could say, as he stood before Merlin, without hesitation, and wrapped his arms around Merlin's neck, prompting Merlin to wrap his arms around his waist. He wanted to get nice and close to Merlin for what he was about to do. He would normally wrap his hands around Merlin's waist as they danced, but Merlin is slightly taller than him. He wanted to do this right. There were things that needed to be said. And even though they couldn't move forward right now, Merlin, deserved to hear it. He couldn't watch Merlin staring at him throughout the night again like he was about to fall apart - breaking Arthur's heart - without him knowing what Arthur needed to tell him.

 

And as Harold started to sing...

 

Arthur kissed Merlin's neck first, Merlin shivered, before Arthur spoke, voice shaky. “You know, every year, for the past seven years, I would go to Harold and I would have him make that announcement -”

 

“That was you!” Merlin gasped out, trying to pull back to Arthur.

 

Arthur caged him in with his arms to prevent it. “Merlin,” he tried gently, but there was a hint of edge there.

 

“Yes,” Merlin whispered, hoarse.

 

“Shut up.”

 

Merlin groaned.

 

Arthur leaned in closer. They were completely pressed together, with no space between. They danced that way, rocking in place. Arthur's cheeks pressed against Merlin's, as Arthur whispered into Merlin's ear.

 

They were close. So close. Too close, and not close enough. The sensation. The heat of Arthur's body. Arthur's breath, tickling Merlin's ear. The _want_ of something more. It was all of those sensations – combined - that sent chills down Merlin's spine.

 

“Each year, I would have Harold make that announcement. Each year, I would tell him to make sure that everyone understood the _importance_ of the last dance. That the last dance was _reserved_ , for that _special_ someone, for that someone that you loved more than _anything_. That the last dance, was to make it all count, that it was the very _best_ Christmas present,” Arthur sucked in a breath, before breathing out. It tingled. It gave Merlin goosebumps. “I told him to announce if you didn't have a special someone, that you should make a love connection.”

 

Merlin's heart was beating triple time as he listened.

 

“I would look for you. No matter what I was doing, no matter _who_ was talking to. I could be talking to my father, and I didn't care. That last dance was always for you.” Arthur said with intensity.

 

“It was a sign,” Merlin choked out. He didn't even try to form it into a question. He was such an idiot!

 

Arthur leaned back, just so he could look at Merlin, blue meeting blue, “now your getting it.” Before he leaned back in, lips pressed against Merlin's ear. “I would pull you to the very center of the dance floor. And I would hold you. I would hold you, like...like you were the most precious thing in the world to me.” Arthur breathed out again, Merlin shivered. Arthur's voice was shaky as he continued. “Like I'm doing now.” He breathed. “I always wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you every time, but I was so afraid. I didn't know if you would reject me--”

 

On impulse, on reflex, Merlin didn't know, he clung tighter around Arthur's waist. Arthur gasped out.

 

His tone cracked as he started again. “--I didn't...I didn't _know_ what you would say. You didn't get the largest sign, and I didn't know if you were just ignoring it, and when I realized you weren't--” Arthur groaned. “--I didn't...I didn't want you to just say yes...because you felt like you had to. I didn't want you to say _no_  either. But I didn't want you say yes...because...because you didn't want to lose me as a friend, or because...because you didn't want to hurt me--” Arthur's breath hitched. “I wanted you to be ready. I wanted you to love me back, and for _me_ , without strings, just..just for me. Like I love you.”

 

“I love you, Arthur.” Merlin whispered. “I love you.” Was all Merlin could say as he held onto Arthur even tighter. Their hips pressed close, as they continued to rock.

 

And Arthur moaned. “I know you do, but I don't know -”

 

Merlin leaned back to look Arthur in the eyes. “I _love_ you.” And Merlin was shaking from all of the intensity, all of the emotions running through him.

 

Arthur shook his head, his eyes started to water. His tone was hoarse, pained, as he continued. “I want you to _truly_ think about that. I want you to think about it _all_. I need for you to understand if it's right. Before we decide-- After we are healthy. Before we decide on anything, I need for you to know it for certain. Like I _know_ , how I feel about you.” Was all Arthur could say. He still couldn't promise anything. Although, he didn't want to leave Merlin in doubt of his feelings either. He couldn't give more, but he could give Merlin this. Merlin deserved to know that Arthur still loved him, even after everything that's happened between them. Because he did.

 

Merlin could only shake his head, he was about to speak before Arthur intervened. “Promise me, that you will at least _think_ about it.” Arthur prompted. Because Merlin had always been adamant - even though he closed off his romantic feelings for all of this time. His romantic feelings for anything more with Arthur. - but he never said that he thought about it, in full, once everything was brought to the surface. That he took the time to think it through. To think about his feelings, to know for sure they were real, and not for the wrong reasons. 

 

Merlin swallowed. “Arthur -” He tried.

 

“Promise me, Merlin.” Arthur's eyes were pleading as he looked back again to meet Merlin's.

 

And Merlin was at a loss. Because he knew good and well what his feelings were for Arthur. That they weren't going to change. That this was it. But just like on the topic of Robert, Arthur was not able to see past it. Inwardly, Merlin screamed. But what he could say? “I promise.” Was all he could say.

 

And Arthur smiled at Merlin, in such a way that Merlin's heart skipped a beat before he said, “thank you.”

 

Somehow, that 'thank you', meant the world to Merlin.

 

They leaned back into each other, pressed together tightly. Harold's amazing rendition of Etta James' song complete and yet, neither of them would let go. They clung to each other. Still dancing in place. Arthur kissed Merlin's ear. And Merlin felt himself beginning to harden. He felt his chest burn. He felt the heat from Arthur like a furnace, and wanted more. Knowing that he couldn't. But he waited.

 

“I wanted to tell you, how much I _loved_ you.” Arthur started again, whispering in Merlin's ear. And Merlin was in another world. On the outside looking in, just listening to Arthur. Just wanting to believe that all of this was real. “How much I _wanted_ you, for all of these years. I wanted to take you _home_ \--” Arthur moaned, but he didn't finish that sentence.

 

Merlin didn't seem to think it was necessary.

 

“And I wanted to end our dance,” Arthur pushed back for a moment, to look into Merlin's eyes, blue meeting blue once more. Arthur's eyes were intense, his face, matching, but there was something more there. Something that Merlin hadn't seen. And definitely, not something that was directed at him.

 

Merlin swallowed, and licked his lips.

 

Arthur eyes darkened, as he followed the motion, and licked his lips too. Arthur removed his arms that were wrapped around Merlin, and Merlin felt the loss. Arthur placed his hands on both sides of Merlin's face.

 

Merlin sucked in a breath.

 

When Arthur spoke next...his voice was hoarse...and something...something more. “I wanted to show you, just how much I loved you, every year, by ending the night with a kiss.”

 

And when Arthur leaned in to kiss Merlin, when his lips pressed against Merlin's own, it felt like a jolt that went straight to Merlin's heart and he moaned into the kiss. And as he opened his mouth to gasp, Arthur used that moment to have his tongue dance with Merlin's and Merlin moaned even more. It was electrifying, that was all there was to it. And Merlin has kissed several men in his life-time, so many that he's lost count, but no one - absolutely no one - made him feel the way Arthur was making him feel right now. And Merlin's body quivered from head to toe, as he kissed Arthur back as if his _life_ depended on it. It felt like it did, as he wrapped his arms around Arthur's waist to pull him as close as two people could possibly get with clothes on without doing more. It felt like Merlin was a dying man in thirst for water, and Arthur was the only way to quench his thirst. It felt like he was starving, and Arthur's kiss was the only way that he could be full again.

 

And Arthur plunged into Merlin's mouth, kissing him for all that he was worth. Like he's never kissed anyone else before. And he hasn't kissed anyone else like he's kissed Merlin, because he's never been in love before, like he's been with Merlin. No one had ever touched his heart in that way before. Arthur's heart felt like it was rejoicing now. And that made this moment special. Making up for all the times that he denied himself over the years. Making up for all those times that he wanted to kiss Merlin, only to stop himself because he didn't want to lose their friendship. Because he didn't want Merlin to accept for the wrong reasons. Because he didn't want Merlin to feel _obligated_ to accept him. He kissed him in all of the ways that he _always_ wanted to. Like a man – a man - that was in love.

 

They kissed on like that for several minutes. And their kiss was _not_ gentle. No, not gentle in the least. Their kiss was rough, bruising, forceful at times, and a fight to the finish. They mapped out each other's mouths, they tasted every part, they fought for dominance, and they fought for more. It wouldn't be enough. It couldn't be enough. It would _never_ be enough. And they both knew it. Whether they wanted to admit it or not. They knew it. You couldn't unlock that kind of emotion, that kind of _love_ , and try to put a cap back on it. It would only simmer, but it would _never_ die out.

 

They broke apart, both shivering, forehead pressed upon forehead, lips swollen, bitten even, breathing heavily, gasping, chests heaving, trying to get much needed oxygen back into systems. And when they were able to get their breathing back under control - several minutes later of breathing each other's air - it was Arthur who spoke first, voice hoarse, composure lost. “I always...always wanted to do that.”

 

Merlin couldn't help but chuckle. “I don't think I could have missed that sign.”

 

And Arthur threw his head back to bark out a laugh. Because it was funny. Painfully so. But it wasn't even remotely funny then. But it didn't stop Arthur from laughing. It felt like it took some of pain away.

 

Merlin loved the way Arthur did that. Like he was so content. So happy. Like he saw in those pictures on Arthur's Facebook account. And for once, in such a long time, Arthur was laughing like that for him. It warmed Merlin's heart. He wanted to see Arthur laugh like that everyday. He wanted to hear that laugh. He didn't want to be without it. He swallowed. Because he knew they were far from there. He understood this for what it was. They both needed this moment, but most of all, Arthur felt like he needed to reassure him. And Merlin could only be happy that he did. It made him love Arthur even more. Arthur startled as Merlin pulled him back into a hug. “I promise, that I'll think it through, but I'm telling you now, that I know my feelings, and I know that I love you. No strings attached. Just you.”

 

Arthur swallowed, but nodded. He could only hope that that was true.

 

“And Arthur?” Merlin whispered to Arthur, breathing in Arthur's scent as his nose grazed Arthur's neck.

 

It was Arthur's turn to shiver.

 

Arthur leaned back, just enough to look Merlin in the face. “Yes,” his tone was hoarse as he replied.

 

“Happy Christmas.”

 

And Arthur smiled. “Happy Christmas, Merlin.”

 

And Merlin smiled at Arthur - it was bright, his dimples showing through - and Arthur's breath caught, as Merlin leaned in closer, and captured Arthur's lips once more in a kiss.

 

**

 

Ring! Ring!

 

Merlin jumped up from his sleep – startled - from the sound of the doorbell. He glared at his clock on the wall before him. If he had superpowers that clock would have been obliterated on the spot. It was 6:00AM in the fucking morning! Christmas morning! Who the hell would be ringing his doorbell this early on Christmas morning? Merlin thought to himself, as he practically rolled out of his bed groaning. It was a good thing he was wearing his blue t-shirt and grey flannel pajama bottoms, or whoever it was out the door would have had a show. Because really...it was Christmas morning?!

 

Ring! Ring! Ring!

 

“Coming!” Merlin yelled out as he walked down the hallway, through the living room, to make it to the front door. Only to be surprised in opening it to see Morgana.

 

“Merlin,” she uttered, with a nod, as she saw herself in wearing a black leather jacket, a red v-neck close fitted cashmere sweater, tight dark blue jeans, and black thigh high boots with spiked heels. Her hair, up in a messy bun.

 

Even dressed _down_ Morgana was _always_ dressed _up_. Like _all_ Pendragons were. Even Arthur looked like he crawled out of a magazine instead of his _bed_ when he woke _up_ in the morning. He always wondered how they managed that.

 

“Morgana, good of you to show up. If I had _known_ you were coming, I would have made breakfast for you.” Merlin went on sarcastically. They both knew that was a lie because really...Merlin couldn't cook if his life depended on it.

 

Morgana could barely control her eye-roll, _barely_. “Oh please, you couldn't cook if you were the last man on earth. I've _heard_ the stories. I've _seen_ the results with my own two eyes for crying out loud.” Morgana replied incredulously.

 

Merlin shook his head, he couldn't help but grin. “Okay, now that we've gotten _that_ out the way,” Merlin said as he closed the door to his flat, and walked into the living room, following behind Morgana, “what can I do for you? And what are you doing here so damn early in the morning?” Merlin asked, while running a hand through his hair.

 

“I _had_ to come this early,” Morgana started as she took it upon _herself_ to take a seat on the couch, Merlin followed suit, “it's Christmas so I needed to get back home before Autumn woke up, and I need to have breakfast ready for everyone _and_ Arthur before he leaves with you.” Morgana said while running a hand over her right brow. “I wouldn't have been able to accomplish all of that if I didn't come over here early enough.”

 

“And why, pry tell, did you _need_ to come over here?” Merlin asked again, while raising a brow. He was well aware that he was being rude. Well aware that he _shouldn't_ be, and more than aware that Arthur would let him have it if and _when_ he found out, but he was still upset with Morgana. Even though, if coming from everyone else...he had no _right_ to be. It was something he was going to have to deal with on his own. Until then...

 

Morgana sighed. She could only hope that this wasn't a wasted trip. “I needed to talk with you about Arthur.”

 

That alarmed Merlin. “Is everything alright with Arthur? Is something wrong?” He asked, while turning to face Morgana better in his seat.

 

Morgana shook her head. “No, nothing is wrong. Well...nothing's _new_. He's the same.”

 

Both of Merlin's brows raised, he tilted his head to the right slightly, before asking. “Then I don't understand. What's wrong?”

 

Morgana sighed heavily. “I wanted to talk to you about your trip, Merlin.”

 

“I already know about the mid-stay visit, Morgana.”

 

Morgana didn't look surprised. “Well good, because that's more of a check up visit.”

 

“A check up visit, on _me_?” Merlin asked, while pointing his right forefinger at himself.

 

Morgana shook her head. “No Merlin, not for you. For Arthur. I was coming out to see for myself that he's alright, that's he's eating properly. We can't afford for Arthur to lose more weight.”

 

“So your coming, because you don't _believe_ that I will be able to make sure that Arthur eats.” Merlin replied, a hint of anger in his voice.

 

Morgana almost glared at Merlin, almost. Though that is partly why she was planning her visit, but it definitely wasn't the only reason why. Their father was definitely at the top of her list. She couldn't say anything of that in the way that she wanted so she didn't bother. “No, I didn't say that. Though you would have to agree that when it comes to my brother's eating and weight loss that you are _not_ the best person who should be placed in charge of that.” Morgana couldn't help but say that. It was the truth, and the proof is there for all to see. If Merlin couldn't see that...

 

Merlin scowled at Morgana. His voice was laced with anger now as he responded. “I know, that I haven't been the best person to notice Arthur's lack of eating or his weight loss, but it doesn't mean that I wouldn't watch out for him. I love him. I wouldn't want anything to happen to Arthur.”

 

Morgana shook her head. Her voice cautious.“No ones arguing any of that, Merlin. I know that you would _try_ to watch out for him. I know that you love him – how you love him – I don't know, but I do know that you _love_ him. And I know that you wouldn't _want_ anything to happen to Arthur. But the fact of the matter is...something _has_ happened to Arthur, and you weren't _able_ to notice. And even with your emotions, even with everything else...you _still_ weren't able to notice what's been happening with Arthur. And no ones knocking you. You have your own recovery to look after, but while you're pushing Arthur into decisions, while your having you dragged out fights, conversations, whatever--” Morgana said frustratingly. “--Arthur's been failing to _eat_ properly, and he's been losing more weight. He's been spending that time with you and no one else was there to see it happening _but_ you.”

 

And Merlin felt gutted.

 

Morgana could only sigh, before shaking her head. “Maybe, maybe, _this_ was a bad idea.” Morgana said before reaching to grab her purse on the floor.

 

Merlin groaned, before stopping her. “Morgana, wait.”

 

She paused, reluctantly. She didn't know what difference it would make if Merlin was going to continue to be hostile, continue to be defensive, without seeing that she wasn't talking about him. That it wasn't about him! It brought her right back to how she felt all along when Merlin accused her of taking Arthur away from him. Like it was personally done towards him! She clinched her jaw, as she waited.

 

“I'm sorry,” Merlin choked out, pain in his expression, and tone. It was beginning to feel like a personal attack every time someone blamed him for not noticing Arthur's weight loss. And he knows he should be blamed, but it doesn't hurt any less to keep _hearing_ about it. “Not about everything.” Merlin used his right forefinger to point between the two of them. “I'm still working on that. I need time. But about right now. What do you need?”

 

Morgana nodded, because she needs time too. She's the one who had to watch her brother fall apart. She's the one who almost had to watch her brother die. Who's still fighting to keep him motivated to want to fight to stay alive. To care enough to take care of himself, without throwing it away for someone who might _not_ love him back the way he needs to be loved. The way he _deserved_ to be loved. It only made Morgana more frustrated just thinking about it. She groaned inwardly. “I need you to help, as best as you can, to make sure that Arthur eats while you're away.” Morgana replied honestly.

 

Merlin nodded. “I can do that.”

 

Morgana didn't look so convinced. “This is _important_ Merlin.” And she raised her right hand to stop Merlin as he was attempting to open his mouth to interject. “Now hear me out, Merlin. This isn't against you. I know that you two are going to have some possibly strenuous discussions. I know that your confrontations have not always been...good. I've seen the results of them when Arthur comes back home. He doesn't eat when he comes back like that.” Morgana paused.

 

Merlin felt sick just listening.

 

“It's hard to get him to eat when he comes back like that. But you can't let up. That's his depression that brought about his eating disorder. He can't afford to lose anymore weight. He's gained ten pounds, he weighed in last night. I'm sending a scale with him, and he needs to weigh himself everyday. He can't, and Merlin this is _extremely_ important, he can't _lose_ anymore weight.” Morgana said, the stress of it all weighing down on her.

 

It was crushing to Merlin. He sensed some real fear there from her. Something she does her best to hide from people in her presence, something that was breaking through to the surface now.

 

Morgana shook her head. “He has another eighteen pounds to gain, and he's going to be away with you for two weeks. I'm sending a chef, he's already there. The lake-house is full staffed. Food is on the ready. You both will be able to eat at anytime. Arthur is supposed to have at least six meals a day, and snacks.” Morgana shook her head and paused again. “I know, that this is a lot to ask of you, Merlin, a lot to put on you-”

 

“Morgana,” Merlin stopped her, using his left hand to close over her right one, “it's fine, just tell me what you need me to do. Arthur's helping me, let me try to help him too.” And Merlin meant that. Even if he had to write himself reminders down he was _going_ to do what he had to do to help.

 

Morgana sighed, and released the breath she'd been holding in. “I know that you have a lot of things to deal with yourself Merlin, Arthur's told me -”

 

“Morgana,” Merlin shook his head, “Arthur's spending two weeks up there to help me right?”

 

She nodded.

 

“Then let me help him too.” Merlin said, determined. “Tell me what it is I need to do, and we'll be able to help each other.” Merlin pleaded.

 

And Morgana looked at Merlin, really looked at him, to see if she could find some sincerity there. And she felt relieved to see that she did. It didn't change everything, but it was a start. She nodded.

 

“Do I need something to write with?” Merlin asked, because he didn't want to mess this up. Especially since he knew there was a good chance Morgana would kill him if Arthur came back with even more weight to gain. It would be a good chance he would be mad at himself too. No, it was more than a good chance at that. He was asking for the trust and he couldn't afford to break it. And he _needed_ to do this for Arthur.

 

Morgana raised a brow in thought. “You _might_ need a pen and paper.” She replied honestly. And could only pray that this would work. It was not going to prevent her mid-stay visit, or her daily calls to Arthur that was for sure. He _had to_ pick up more weight. The sooner the better. And while Arthur was away, she would have to do more digging to find out what their father was up to. And how much he _really_ knew.

 

And Merlin nodded. He was being serious. And if he had to put on his doctor hat – so to speak - while he was away to make sure that Arthur was doing everything that he was supposed to do, then so be it. After last night, Merlin wanted Arthur more than he'd ever wanted him before. And that was saying a lot. Because Merlin didn't think that could be possible. And the only thing that was standing between him and Arthur was their health, Arthur understanding his feelings to be true, and _Mordred_. One out of three was accomplished for Merlin because Merlin knew exactly how he felt about Arthur. And it was one of the first things that he confronted, processed, and accepted. He'd still keep his word to Arthur, if it made him feel better, but Merlin needed no confirmation himself on knowing that his feelings were Arthur were true. But the other two things... He knew that he himself had to finish confronting things that he's been skating away from. He knew that there were things that he needed to tell Arthur too. Not just about his past abuse, but in relation to Arthur, in relation to his feelings, and why he blocked it off.

 

And Arthur, Arthur had to focus on his recovery. He had to release some of this...dependency. That, Merlin hasn't seen much of. But Merlin would have to respect that. Arthur has to release it, and he has to gain some of his identity back. Something else, Merlin hasn't seen much of - but all that matters - he guesses, is that _Arthur_ is able to see it, and so is everyone else. Which means...it's something that Merlin is still missing out on. Something that _he's_ either ignored or is just not getting. Something else that he needs to work on. He does see the anxiety though, he does finally see the panic attacks. After that plane incident - after he was freaked himself - he had the chance to think about it for what it was. Merlin couldn't help but feel responsible for that though. If he hadn't attempted to run away, it wouldn't have happened. And Merlin knows the signs of panic/anxiety attacks, he just wasn't thinking of it in relation to Arthur. So he ignored it, in his own way, without realizing it. And now that he does... Merlin only hopes he won't miss it again. But the weight loss... He _could_ help on that front. He knows what he's noticed, and if Morgana equips him with everything else...

 

And then there's Mordred. And anyone else Arthur has to date, but Merlin, Merlin thinks that Mordred is probably the most dangerous. And why? Because Arthur genuinely seems to _like_ him. Merlin would only be able to watch, but he will have to try his best like Lance advised to _not_ push Arthur away. He would have to make sure that Arthur understands how he feels about him. And Merlin will have to make _his_ dates with Arthur special. He'll have to make it count. Along with their encounters. It's all Merlin has for right now. That, and their two week trip. He could only hope that it'll be enough.

 

It didn't take long before Merlin returned to the couch with paper and pen in hand. And thirty minutes later, Morgana equipped him with everything that he needed to be able to help Arthur while they were away.

 

~ * ~

 

“Morgana,” Merlin called out to her as she was turning the doorknob to leave his flat.

 

Morgana turned back.

 

“I do love him, you know.”

 

Morgana nodded. “I know you do. But I don't know if it's for the reasons that may be best for my brother.”

 

Merlin sighed. “I don't have a way to prove that it's for another reason. I know my feelings for him are true.”

 

Morgana nodded again, before turning fully to Merlin, hand still on the doorknob. “You can prove it by your actions. Your actions and your words. It's not up to everyone else to believe it. Though I would like to. But it's up to my brother to believe it. And I already told him that I would stand by his decision, whatever that decision might be, but to give me time. But know this Merlin, if my brother does choose you—and through all of this, my threat still stands.” Morgana eyes narrowed, she meant every word of that.

 

Merlin could only shake his head, and chuckle. “Don't go anywhere, Morgana. I might need you to help me when I mess up.”

 

“ _When_ , a little pessimistic are we?” Morgana asked, while raising a brow.

 

Merlin's expression turned pain. “It's all I've been doing.” He finished before shaking his head. Because that's the way it's felt. Like he couldn't do anything right. Not for long. And all of this is just a reminder that he's been hurting the people he loves in the process. Despite his intentions.

 

And despite it all, Morgana's heart couldn't help but go out to Merlin in that minute. She walked back over to the couch and sat beside Merlin. “No Merlin, it's not all you've been doing. You've been through hell and you're fighting your way back. You are _going_ to make mistakes. It's how you _deal_ with those mistakes is what counts. It's if you own up to it, if you face it, or if you hideaway from it. Those are the things that will separate you. But you've come through the hardest part. You've seen your mistakes. You've seen the things that you've blocked out. You've been forced to face it. Now you need to do the rest. You need to do it in order to get healthy again. You've already started, you just have to go the rest of the way.” Morgana said, encouragingly.

 

Merlin shook his head, his eyes started watering, he was feeling overwhelmed. “I can do that, but I can't lose him, Morgana.” Merlin replied shaking his head, tone pained, because Arthur was the only thing that made any of this worth while. He was the only person that made Merlin _want_ to hold it all together.

 

There was really nothing Morgana could do on that front. Arthur would have to come first for her. And she wasn't going to push his decision. His health was more important. She could only reply with honestly. “Then remember what I said. It is your actions that will dictate a lot there. It is your words. And it is what's in your heart so you better be doing some soul-searching while you're away. And there's no one, absolutely no one, who can tell you what's in your heart. That's going to be up for you to decide. But it won't matter if you don't both get healthy, because that's the only way any decision will be made, so advise you both to get to it.”

 

Merlin could only look at Morgana. Dumbfounded.

 

“What?” Morgana asked, brow raised.

 

“That's your million dollar talk?” Merlin asked incredulously. Everyone always claims that Morgana gives such good advice. Merlin was one of those people once upon a time. And right now...Merlin couldn't help but feel deprived.

 

Morgana raised a brow, and placed her right hand on her hip. “Your lucky you got that. At least I was _nice_. And I didn't lie, though I've never lied to you to begin with.” It wasn't like she could have said anything else. It wasn't like she was going to throw her brother into his lap. He was going to have to earn that. And it wasn't going to be because she threw Arthur out there without a net either. Merlin would eat him alive right now. He needed to get stronger first.

 

“No, you've always been painfully honest.” Merlin replied, sighing heavily.

 

“Would you'd rather I lied?” Morgana asked, eyes widened, right brow raised, curious.

 

And Merlin would _rather_ it on some level, but knew it wouldn't benefit him. He shook his head.

 

Morgana smiled softly. “Well then. You got the truth.” She said with a nod, and a small smile. It was all she could give. But no one could say she wasn't trying.

 

Merlin grimaced. Sometimes the truth did hurt. But no one said everyone had to be so blatantly honest about it. 

 

Morgana checked her watch. “Shit!” She almost shrieked. “I've got to go, Autumn's probably up by now, and she'll want to open her presents. Are you going to be alright?” She asked, concerned.

 

“If you knew how many times I've been asked that question, you wouldn't ask.” Merlin replied dryly. If he had a nickle for every time someone asked him that question...

 

“That's because everyone's been worried about you.” Morgana chided.

 

“Everyone's just started worrying about me.” Merlin replied, he knows it's better, it doesn't mean that what happened didn't hurt.

 

Morgana sighed, checking her watch again. “No Merlin. Even though you weren't _in_ contact with everyone lately didn't mean that they _stopped_ loving you, or that they stopped worrying about you. Everyone was still worried. And everyone still kept tabs on what was going on with you. There were mistakes made, granted, on both sides. You weren't an innocent in all of this either. But we did make mistakes in not coming to see you. There's nothing that any of us can do about it now aside from attempting to move on and making it right. But know, you were not forgotten, and everyone still knew what was going on with you. And if we didn't, it wasn't because we didn't _attempt_ to find out. It would have been because someone, present company included, didn't want us to find out, because he kept things to himself, and wasn't completely honest with us.” Morgana finished, while raising a brow at Merlin.

 

And Merlin cringed, just a little. He knows he hasn't been completely honest about everything. That there are things that he hasn't shared in regards to what he's been dealing with on his own. Things that he doesn't _want_  to deal with on his own or _ever_. But it was something he told anyone about. He didn't want anyone to worry. Apparently Morgana was able to read him anyway. He only hoped she didn't tell Arthur her suspicions. He let it lie though. If she didn't mention anything. He wouldn't either.

 

Morgana went on unware of Merlin's thoughts. “Now will you be alright? Do you need anything before I leave?” Morgana asked again.

 

Merlin shook his head and swallowed, before responding. “I'll be fine.”

 

“And you have everything for your trip?” Morgana hesitated again, asking.

 

Merlin nodded. “I'm good.”

 

Morgana sighed. “Alright, good, well I'd best get going. Autumn's going to throw a fit if she can't open her presents because I'm not home. Your dollhouse was lovely by the way. Autumn's going to love it.” Morgana said honestly.

 

Merlin smiled brightly at that. “Thank you.”

 

“Your welcome.” Morgana was talking as she was heading for the door. Her hand was on the door knob again when Merlin called her name. She turned back. “Yes Merlin.”

 

“Happy Christmas.” Merlin said sincerely.

 

Morgana smiled back. “Happy Christmas, Merlin.” Before pulling the door open. “Have a safe trip.” She added.

 

Merlin nodded, as she closed the door behind herself.

 

All was _not_ completely forgiven between them, but Merlin could sense progress in the works. He and Morgana would get back on track again, in time. Though it probably wouldn't stop Arthur from telling him off again if he heard about the way he treated his sister. Arthur may not have taken sides the last time, but he had no problem telling Merlin that he was wrong. And in this case - like the last - Arthur would be right. Because Merlin was quite aware that he was wrong. That he was being petty. That he was being rude. Even though everyone – including him - was supposed to be moving on. But he couldn't help himself. He had a hard time _not_ believing everything wasn't directed at him, even if it wasn't. Merlin groaned. He knew he had some work to do. And that was something... no one really needed to tell him.

 

Merlin got up from the couch with a grunt. He had things to do. Last minute things to check on, and breakfast to eat. It wouldn't be long before Arthur came to pick him up. And he needed to be ready. It was going to be a long drive to Wales. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merlin and Arthur's dance in this chapter, and Arthur's realisation of his love for Merlin, in a previous chapter when Merlin sung during Karaoke night at Aithusa's while watching him was inspired by this song.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWtYgeiP4cs
> 
> There are several versions on Youtube but this is from Etta James, the artist that originally made the song famous, and it has lyrics. 
> 
> A penny for your thoughts.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very sorry for the delay in posting this chapter. I went from having the flu one week to being in pain the next but I'm doing better now. This chapter is large but not as large as we've seen it can be. This chapter is also unbeta'd. I reviewed it heavily but it doesn't mean I haven't missed anything. If you see it, please feel free to let me know and I will make the necessary corrections.
> 
> I wanted to take the time as well to thank you all for sending in such wonderful reviews. They continue to encourage me to post quickly, and continue to inspire to push myself that much further. I love reading your many thoughts and perspectives on this story! If I haven't responded to your reviews yet, I will definitely being doing so shortly. And with that being said, I hope you enjoy the chapter!

 

The lake-house didn't look like a lake-house. It looked like a bloody _mansion,_ on the 12.7 acre property it was set upon. Merlin should have known. There was _nothing_ that was too good for the Pendragon's, and despite the way Arthur acted...he's _still_ a Pendragon through and through.

 

Every room in the mansion was gorgeous, spacious, just like Morgana told him it would be. Merlin looked in the the living room. It was beautiful. With it's mango colored walls, white baseboards, huge fireplace, and it's hanging chandeliers. The white sofas with pink large pillows on one side of the room – he could only assume Morgana picked out - and the wicker set on the other side was a nice touch too. The room itself was huge with big windows, and ceiling window skylights that went straight across the two white sofa's that took a large portion of the room. There was also fresh red roses set up in vases all around the room. You could tell that the flowers were recently placed there, freshly cut, and that it _continued_ to be exchanged more. To Merlin, it gave a feeling of home, in a place that shouldn't feel like one. 

 

The dining room was another attraction for Merlin. With it's paisely red and tan wallpapered walls, tan colored baseboards, and red curtains for the big windows there to match. The dark mahogany table that seated eight, the fireplace, and the dark brown hard wood floors only added to it's elegance. The kitchen was another attraction for Merlin. And considering they would be using it quite a bit for the next couple of weeks, Merlin thought he should get well acquainted with it. The kitchen was just as beautiful as the rest of the place. The sage colored walls, the dark brown wood, and the glass top island was beautiful. Merlin almost got lost quite a few times going through the lake-house looking at the huge bedrooms, the bathrooms, the study, the library, the indoor swimming pool area – with a built in hot tub across from it - the weight and pool table room, the balconies, the gardens, and the lake itself. 

 

The place was _nothing_ of what Merlin was expecting.

 

The lake-house had everything that Morgana advised would be there. The house was fully staffed, food was on the ready, and the accomodations were set up for their two week stay. The journey was nice too, seeing the mountains along the way. It would have been a lot better. If only Arthur spoke more during the drive. It seemed...like he was in deep thought about something. Or perhaps he was afraid of what was coming next? Merlin made several attempts of striking up a conversation, he tried to entertain him too but to no avail. With the exception of him looking like a fool. Arthur...seemed lightyears away. Like he was in his own world. He wasn't rude. He would speak, he would respond rather. When asked a question. But he didn't add anything more. It wasn't Arthur. And Merlin had no idea what was wrong. He'd only vowed to make sure that they both made it through this trip in one piece. And that Arthur would not fail in gaining weight. When he and Arthur unpacked, he went to Arthur's room across from his to make sure that Arthur's scale was set aside in the master bedroom. Merlin was going to make it a point to see when Arthur weighed in himself. Morgana wanted another eye on Arthur's weight in order to confirm that he was still putting on weight during their daily calls. And Merlin wanted to make sure that he did this for Arthur. It was the least that he could do for everything that Arthur's ever done for him in the past thirteen years. And he loves Arthur. Merlin couldn't do anything less than that to help. And it was good feeling, because it made Merlin feel like he was actually doing _something_ right. That he was _proving_ his love somehow. Something that he didn't think was possible before, but didn't seem so _impossible_ to do now.

 

He still didn't understand Arthur's other parts of his depression. He still didn't understand why Arthur needed to distance himself so much to lessen his dependency or to gain his identity. Merlin couldn't help but feel like that was directed at him. He still couldn't see past it. No matter how much he tried. He will still coming to a brick in the wall when trying to process the thought of it. It was still hard to think about Arthur dancing with Mordred, still hard to think about seeing Arthur and Mordred at Autumn's play, and it was still hard not seeing Arthur as much as he normally did. Not to live with him anymore. It felt like a part of him was ripped away jaggedly, and that it was going to _continue_ to be ripped away until there was nothing left. _Arthur,_ was that part of him that Merlin felt was being ripped away forcibly. Even as he was trying so hard to hold on. Even with the kiss. Because even then Merlin was more than aware of the fact that it didn't mean that things would progress for them when everything was over. He was more than aware that Arthur may have been kissing him then, but he was still _leaving_ with Mordred. And piece by piece. Another part of Arthur was being ripped away from him. Merlin _wanted_ to be with Arthur all of the time. To prove his love to him on every level. Even if he didn't quite know how to do so. If only he could spend enough time with Arthur for him to see that. For Arthur to see and understand that Merlin's love for him was for all the right reasons. 

 

The dance, _that dance_ , was everything that Merlin thought it would be. And though they've danced plenty before, there was something different when you're dancing and being held by someone you love, knowing that that someone loved you back. It was a very good feeling. It felt like they fitted together somehow. And despite Arthur's weightloss, his body felt strong in Merlin's arms. And he could _feel_ Arthur's love for him. If it was one thing he knew for certain, it was that. But can love survive what's being handed to them now? Could Arthur's love survive that for _him_? If he's going out with Mordred to these events regularly, as a plus one and decides to date someone else, what would stop Arthur from falling out of love with him? It made Merlin _want_ to get healthier even more. It made him want to get Arthur healthier. And fast. If they do it quickly there won't be enough time for Arthur to fall in love with someone else. It won't be enough time for Mordred to sink his teeth into Arthur, or for Arthur to see what a crazy choice it would be for him to choose Merlin. It made Merlin's chest ache every time he _thought_ of it all. And it wasn't like he could do anything about it. He couldn't voice his feelings but for so much without it looking like he was thinking of himself. Even if that were the case at times. But really? Is that really so selfish? Is it selfish for him to want Arthur in the end? To know that he'll be there? Is it selfish for him to want to fight for what he wants? Is it selfish for him to not want to see Arthur with Mordred or _anyone_ else? How is it selfish to _not_ want to lose the one you love?! Merlin didn't know the answers to that and was afraid to ask the questions, for fear of what the answers would provide. Especially, if those answers meant that he and Arthur could not be together.

 

They spent the better part of the day getting situated and Arthur showing him around the lake-house. But not before Merlin made sure that Arthur ate about sixty percent of his lunch. However reluctant Arthur was to eat. And something was still bothering him. Even though he didn't feel the need to share what it was. Once they ate Arthur took Merlin into the study to purchase licensing for fishing online. That was their plan for the next day and Merlin was excited because Arthur was going to teach _him_ how to fish. He'd always wanted to learn but was never in a position to do so. Arthur, was opening that door for him. Like so many other doors he's opened for Merlin over the years. Merlin couldn't help but be excited. And Arthur must have noticed his energy because once they were finished, Arthur took Merlin to see some of the sights of the town.

 

~ * ~

 

No one could deny the beauty that was Mid-Wales. With it's mountains, the relaxed atmosphere, and Welsh culture throughout. Ealdor was small town. And they didn't have the money to travel to Wales, or to take in the sights on a whim. Seeing everything was giving Merlin a refreshing take on his own heritage. Something that Merlin didn't always think about. But it was nice. Having a picture of the community that thrived by it's arts and crafts. Even if they weren't able to do much for the day. It was Christmas after all. But he got to see enough. Even if he desired to see more. Merlin could only hope that he and Arthur could return one day. Not to stay at the lake-house though, but to stay in town instead. To take in the sights, to attend some festivals, to go to the beach, to mountain climb, and to do whatever comes to mind. It wouldn't matter to Merlin what they did. As long as he and Arthur were _together_. That's what would matter most. And really together, _not_ like they are now.

 

**

 

Merlin checked out the lake-house like it was too big for him. Like he was a guest that didn't belong. Like he was awed by it. It was always fascinating to Arthur to see him like that. It was also another reason why Arthur would show him the bigger things, just to get that rise out of Merlin. Though he needn't think that he didn't belong. Because that was far from the truth to Arthur. Because, to Arthur, _Merlin_ always belonged. 

 

It was the same thing when they went into town. Arthur knew for a fact that Merlin never took in any of the locations that he spoke about. Merlin had selective hearing at times, and he only heard the things that stood out to him most it seemed. This didn't surprise Arthur one bit because - no matter how many times Arthur's told Merlin things that held importance to him - Merlin, only heard what he wanted to hear. Until he got the answers and responses that he _wanted_ to have. It didn't feel like Arthur had a part in any of it. 

 

And Arthur wanted Merlin to understand what was going on with him. He didn't like seeing Merlin so jealous of him and Mordred. He hated to see what Merlin would be like when he started to date more people or when he started to _meet_ new people. Like he's supposed to be doing to recover. If it's anything like it's been with Mordred...Arthur's not sure if he _wants_ to see it. 

 

And it's not like he can stop doing it just because Merlin _wants_ him to. What about his own recovery? If he doesn't follow through there's a good chance according to Nimueh that he _won't_ recover. Because, though his weightloss is obvious for all to see and everything else may not be, it does not mean that those other problems aren't actually the major factor and the largest contributer to his problem with his weightloss. Because it is. And even following Morgana's rules for eating may not solve that problem if he can't _fix_ everything else. The question is how can he get Merlin to see that? And why the hell can't he?! It's not like Arthur hasn't been spending enough time with him. He's sacrificed a lot of time, he's even made sure to contact Merlin daily by phone. But it still doesn't seem to be enough. And it's not like it's easy to see Merlin be distraught while watching him either. It's hurts to see it! It makes him feel like he should be doing more despite what Morgana's said about not feeling guilty. Even though she had major points for reasons for why he should not be. And she was right. But it doesn't make Arthur feel any better though. It didn't make him feel like he was cheating on Merlin any less, even though they've never been together as a couple. Even though Merlin's slept with half the Metropolitan area. All Arthur's able to see now - in his mind - is how Merlin was so cold to him during that play, and how he looked like Arthur kicked his favorite puppy – if he had one. And left it for dead - at the party. Does Merlin even know that he's doing this? Does he know how it's affecting him? How it hurts him everytime to see it? And if he does, does he even care?

 

That dance between them was everything he thought it would be with Merlin. Everything that he _wanted_ it to be. Morgana was opposed to Arthur doing it at first, but relented, because his mind was set on what he had planned to do. And Morgana knows him well enough to know that once he sets his mind to something, he rarely relents from it. At least, not without a damn good reason. And yes, his recovery is a fucking a good reason as Morgana told him. And he's quite aware of that. But in some way...Arthur felt, that he _needed_ to do it. And not just for Merlin. For himself. For one, it was the first time that he fully expressed to Merlin exactly how he felt about him. It was something he should have done a long time ago. For two, he used it along with his sign, something he was afraid to do a long time ago. For fear of Merlin's reaction. That it wouldn't be an action from his heart if it was done that way. And the only way to be certain of that would be for Merlin to see his feelings on his own. With a little prompting. Then giving Merlin to time to evaluate his own feelings in return. To not force a decision. 

 

If only it could have worked out that way. 

 

But Arthur _kissed_ Merlin. It wasn't Merlin that kissed him first this time, but Arthur, who kissed Merlin. It gave Arthur a feeling of some control. Control that he's never had when it comes to Merlin as of late. Up until then, it was Merlin that always kissed him first. Merlin, who controlled those steps from start to finish and, without permission. Arthur flipped the script in that regard. It may not have helped as much in lessening his dependence of Merlin, but Arthur did _feel_ like it helped in him gaining some of his identity back. It helped because he made those choices on his own. It wasn't something Merlin asked him to do, but something he _chose_ to do. And yes, Arthur's quite aware that he chose something that Merlin wanted too, but it was also something that he himself wanted, because he does _love_ Merlin. No matter how much he dates he doesn't see that going away. Even if he puts the effort to actively dating and meeting new people. Love isn't something that can go away, unless it's not meant to be. And if he and Merlin are meant to be...the love will remain regardless. 

 

And Arthur does see where Merlin is coming from. He can see his jealousy. He can see how Merlin persistently attempts to stop him from focusing on what he needs to do for his own recovery. Even though he's hurt by Merlin's continuing to fail to support him too. Even though it feels like Merlin doesn't care about him getting better. He can see the core of what's wrong. Merlin thinks that he won't choose him in the end. That he won't love him in the end. Arthur's heard Merlin's comments loud and clear during their last draining discussion, and of what he's said in the many others. It was another reason why Arthur felt the need to assure Merlin of his feelings for him. But he couldn't lie either. Which was why he still couldn't promise everything. Because it was going to take time for both of them to be recover from their own conditions. It was going to take time – before - he could _see_ what can be done about them.

 

And Arthur understands his own recovery path. Nimueh's made it clear to him on what needs to be done for him to be healthy again. And on some level - though Arthur doesn't think his own feelings will change - Merlin _could_ be right in his assumption. Even if he's skipping past the middle to the end result, without seeing the bigger picture because of it. He could actually be right. Because from Nimueh's recovery plan standpoint, for dealing with depression. From an unrequited – now requited – love. In Arthur's condition. The distance - the new circle of people that he needs to meet, the dating, the moving out - will allow him to _see_ things more clearly. Instead of always focusing on Merlin. Like he _has_ been. From a recovery standpoint, it's meant to lessen his _need_ to be around Merlin. To lessen his dependency. Which will will work towards him gaining his identity back. As he begins to make his own choices that _won't_ always revolve around Merlin. (Something Merlin has no problem doing on his own where Arthur is concerned. Arthur couldn't but think bitterly.) And this is majorly because his life _won't_ always _rotate_ around Merlin's anymore. Nimueh said that this part was key for his recovery. Because it would be leaving him to make his decisions for his life, for himself, as it applies to his _own_ life, and not Merlin's or _for_ Merlin. And the one important choice, the one that needs to be answered by Arthur himself...would include who he _wanted_ to be with. If he wanted to pursue a relationship with Merlin or anyone else for the matter. And if Merlin, was the _right_ person for him. A choice that he would then be able to make without having distractions, without a problem of dependency, and without his loss of identity to fog his judgment. And the process would heal him from his depression—if, he follows through with it. That last part won't be instantaneous though. He may still have bouts with depression every now and again. But it _won't_ be based on a love that may or may not have been the one for him.

 

It would be a decision fully of Arthur's own volition. Because the process is designed to make Arthur happy with himself again too. Something he lost along the way in his pursuit of Merlin. Something he lost around the same time he lost his own identity and became so dependent of Merlin that he made himself a glutten for punishment to a man who never saw him as a prospect. That is, until Arthur decided to finally walk away. And that last part, that's the part that Arthur understands scares Merlin the most. Even if Arthur hasn't spelled out every step of Nimueh's recovery plan for him. It's something that Merlin's been saying all along in every discussion. He sees that part as an option in Arthur's recovery plan. If only he could see the rest. 

 

From a recovery standpoint. Nimueh has set up everything in a way for Arthur to be his own person again. And the distance, the moving out, the going out more, the dating - something he pretty much stopped doing in his pursuit of Merlin in his heart, even if he'd made attempts - the being social again, the having a _life_ that doesn't revolve around Merlin, will also help him with his eating disorder. Nimueh is convinced of this. She's convinced that Arthur _needs_ to begin focusing on himself again. And once he does he will also _see_ that he's been hurting himself. He will be able to focus on himself more to pick up the pieces, to take care of himself again, by putting himself first. Something he _hasn't_ done for himself in quite some time.

 

And yes, Nimueh also knows about Uther. But she is also convinced that one problem will cancel out the other _if,_ Arthur get's himself back on track and _if,_ Arthur follows her process for his recovery. Without any more adjustments to the plan to suit Merlin. And if Nimueh had her way - which she has repeatedly told Arthur on more than one occasion - Arthur, would only see Merlin a few times a week. In group settings with the lot. And _never_ alone. Not until his recovery was complete. _“I fear that this is what's delaying your recovery progress, Arthur.”_ Nimueh has voiced multiple times in their sessions. 

 

And what _is_ Arthur to say to that? It's obvious Merlin doesn't see it when Arthur's told him everything else. How could possibly see anything else? And Arthur really is beginning to wonder if he cares to. If he is too busy seeing the end result that he doesn't _want_ to see the rest. That he _refuses_ to. And if any of that is true... How does Merlin love him for the _right_ reasons like he _claims_ to? If only Merlin could see the severity of the situation. If only Merlin could see that this one thing does not revolve around him. That it has nothing to do with him and _everything_ to do with Arthur's _own_ health. If only Merlin could see that Arthur's not asking anything of him right now. That he only needs some understanding and support. Just like he's been doing for Merlin.

 

And Arthur's well aware that Merlin's been watching him with concern because he hasn't been talking as much as normal. But he's had a lot of things on his mind too. His father for one. And what he really knows. Arthur couldn't seem to shake the feeling of his own impending doom that surrounded his lunch only yesterday. He couldn't seem to shake that he might find himself institutionalized like his aunt Margaret. It's a fate far worse than death, for Arthur. And if history was anything to go by...death indeed was the result. He could't seem to shake his own stress that he's been under. The constant need to gain weight - the fighting against to eat when he wasn't hungry - and the feeling of disappointment in himself when he loses more of it. The disappointment in himself whenever he's unable to eat despite his fight. He couldn't seem to shake how he wishes Merlin would understand this. If Merlin could understand what he needs to recover. And the urgency of it. Even without his father having anything to do with it. Just him. Just Arthur, and what he needs for once. Is that too much to ask? He couldn't seem to shake his feeling that Merlin didn't care about him in the way that Arthur does for him. And every time he replays a past conversation with Merlin - in Arthur's mind - that's the feeling that comes out of it. Love or not. The support for his own recovery was not there. And Arthur couldn't help but feel like the walls were closing in around him, because he'd boxed himself into a corner with Merlin. He'd boxed himself in with little choices left for himself on what he needs to do to get better without, worrying about how it will affect Merlin.

 

**

 

When they returned back to the lake-house the Christmas dinner was already prepared and Merlin immediately ushered Arthur into the dining room to ensure that he was well fed. The chef – Rubin - provided roast turkey covered in bacon, roasted potatoes, pigs in a blanket, brussels sprouts and chestnuts, parsnips and swede, roasted gammon, ginger bread stuffing, cranberry sauce, and bread sauce. Merlin could only assume the chef was cooking for the staff too. He would hate to see so much food being wasted otherwise on two people. And for dessert, they were served Christmas pudding, sherry trifle, and mince pies. 

 

Merlin was aware that Morgana, ahead of time, sent a list of all of the foods that Arthur does like to eat, along with snack choices to the chef and household. She included the things she knew that both he and Arthur liked to eat. Before Arthur's depression that is. Before, when Arthur actually enjoyed eating. However, it surprised him to know that she kept _his_ needs in mind as well to ensure that _he_ was eating too. It wasn't like he had a problem eating but, it was nice to know that someone took an active approach to ensure that he didn't. It showed him just how much Arthur meant to her as well. Because she was willing to do _anything_ in her power to protect Arthur, and to make him healthy again. It wasn't like he didn't know Morgana was protective over Arthur, but it showed how much she loved him too. That it was more to it than her just wanting to keep Arthur away from him. Even if Merlin was still having a hard time reconciling with what happened between him and the lot. Even if Merlin was having a hard time believing that everything was _not_ designed to keep Arthur away from him. 

 

Arthur did struggle to eat. Even after their day, it was obvious that there was still a lot on his mind. However much he denied it to Merlin by trying to reassure that nothing was wrong. It was quite evident that that was a lie. Merlin, knowing Arthur for thirteen years considers himself as knowing Arthur very well. And though he may have been oblivious of what was going on between them romantically over the years...Merlin, could feel it with everything that was in him that Arthur...was lying to him. That there was something going on that Arthur wasn't telling him. That he maybe going through something that he's not sharing. But whatever the case may be, Morgana's advised him that Arthur doesn't eat when he's depressed and Merlin would be _damned_ if Arthur refuses to eat on his watch now. For one, Arthur couldn't _afford_ to lose anymore weight. Not only from a mental health viewpoint, but from a physical health viewpoint. Long-term problems with eating disorders could lead to health conditions in Arthur's body if the problem continued for much longer. Health conditions that Merlin, didn't even want to think about just yet-- wondering when last Arthur got a physical. For two, Morgana might kill him if he does. For three, he and Arthur, according to Nimueh, will not be allowed to date if Arthur shows anymore signs of regression in his depression or if he loses anymore weight. And lastly, because Merlin, loves Arthur and he can't find it in himself to think about how he would deal with it if something were to happen to him.

 

Merlin watched Arthur slicing into his roasted turkey slowly, taking tiny bites of it, and pushing his food from side-to-side on his plate. Such a wonderful meal and Arthur didn't even seem to be enticed by it. He must have thought if Merlin wasn't paying enough attention to him he wouldn't have noticed. Merlin thinks this is probably true if it happened days ago. But Merlin is focused on this now, and he's been equipped with what signs to look for.

 

Merlin sighed inwardly while watching Arthur. “Is there something _wrong_ with the turkey?” He asked while taking a big bite of his own. 

 

Arthur startled. Not noticing that anyone was watching him, and certainly, not Merlin. He shook his head. “It's fine. I've just got a lot on my mind is all. Nothing to think about.” Arthur gave a small smile.

 

Merlin took a sip of his cup. Merlin savored the taste of the punch. The lemon, pineapple, and ginger beer flavors standing out. He raised a brow and nodded slowly. “You've got a lot on your mind...”

 

 

Arthur eyes were glued to his plate as he responded. “Yes.”

 

Merlin placed his fork down, giving Arthur his full attention. “Care to share what's bothering you?”

 

Arthur shook his head, averting eye contact. “There's nothing...bothering me, Merlin. I only have a lot on my mind. I'm _dealing_ with it.”

 

“I _see_.” Merlin replied slowly, before swallowing.

 

Arthur's eyes narrowed. “You see what?” He challenged suspiciously.

 

“I see how your _dealing_ with it.” Merlin waved his right hand towards Arthur's plate. “By not _eating_ your food.”

 

Arthur barely managed to control himself from rolling his eyes, barely. “I'm not _hungry_ , Merlin.” And it was true. Arthur's stomach was in all kinds of knots. It felt like if he did eat he would be sick. And he knows some of that is mental, but Arthur also knows some of it is not. Because he _has_ gotten physically ill from feeling that way before. He has felt like his body was rejecting the food when he's been too stressed to deal with things happening around him. And with everything going on his stressed levels were high and he was having a hard time keeping it all together. He should have spoke with someone before he left. He could have spoken to Morgana but he didn't want to take away from family time with Autumn and Gwaine. But he should have done _something_. It wasn't like he could speak to Merlin about anything that he was feeling.

 

“It doesn't matter if you're not _hungry_ , Arthur. It does _matter_ that you have continued to lose weight, and due to whatever it is that's happened, your not taking the active approach in eating your food for your own health.” Merlin replied, concerned, but trying not to sound judging.

 

It didn't seem to work.

 

 _Well isn't that the pot calling_... Arthur thought, but didn't say anything about it. He was surprised Merlin even noticed that he wasn't eating. He didn't know that Merlin even cared if he did. As long as he was there for Merlin in the end. As long as he felt assured that there was a chance that they could be together. That was all Merlin seemed to care about. Arthur placed his fork and knife on his plate. “You know _nothing_ of what I've been trying to do to gain weight. You know _nothing_ about what's been going on with me.” Arthur replied, defensively, eyes hardening.

 

Merlin flinched from Arthur sharp tone and expression. Arthur never spoke to him like that before. He sighed deeply. He wasn't looking for another argument with Arthur. He only wanted to help. But perhaps he had pushed too far. Morgana said she would make Arthur talk to her first. If he was having trouble eating. It doesn't look like Arthur was willing to share with him what's going on in his mind like he was willing to do with her. Merlin licked his lips and ran a hand through his hair. “Your right.” He said apologetically. “I don't know what all has been going on with you. I only know what you've _actually_ told me. But I don't want you to sit around playing with your food either when we both know that you need to gain weight. Isn't that what your therapist has said?” Merlin finished. Trying for another approach.

 

Arthur didn't know why he was acting that way towards Merlin. He only knew that his stress levels were beginning to hit it's own max and despite how he's tried to keep himself calm, despite how he's always worked to cater to Merlin's needs first...it's wasn't working for either of them right now. And Arthur couldn't share his feelings with Merlin. Not the things that bothered him most. He couldn't tell him about his father. He couldn't tell him about his aunt. Or his own fear of being institutionalized. Not yet. He couldn't tell him how he was feeling. He just couldn't! Arthur's chest tightened just thinking about it all. It didn't stop Arthur from giving a jab to Merlin though. “There's a lot of things that my _therapist_ said for me to do, _Mer_ lin. It's nice to know that you _care_ about one of those things.” Arthur snapped. Before picking up his fork and forcing himself to take a big bite of his turkey.

 

Merlin felt like he'd just been slapped. It wasn't a physical blow of course. But the affect was all the same. And it stunned him into silence. They were silent for the rest of the meal. And even though Arthur was defensive, even though he was apparently angry, he'd managed to eat about eighty percent of his meal. However grudgingly.

 

 

**

 

Merlin gave Arthur a break for a few hours. It was safer for them both that way. Arthur went to the weight room while Merlin went to the indoor swim room to swim. It was _better_ that way. It was obvious that Arthur needed some space and it felt like the space he needed was away from him so Merlin granted Arthur the silent request. Even though they were going to be together at the lake-house for the next two weeks. Perhaps Arthur had changed his mind about coming, but didn't know how to tell him. No. Merlin shook his head as he did his laps around the warm pool. No. Arthur, is a man of his word. And even if Arthur didn't want to come he would keep to his word, and he would make sure that he would come to support Merlin anyway. And Arthur wouldn't push Merlin away either. But maybe this was a part of Arthur's condition. Maybe that's why Arthur needs so much distance away from him. Merlin shook his head. No. Merlin thought again, as he made it to the other end of the pool, that doesn't sound like Arthur's condition. Not from what Arthur's said and not from what Morgana's said either. No. Something _else_ was wrong. Something else was wrong and Arthur didn't want to say what it was. Something was definitely wrong. And Merlin's afraid for Arthur to say what it was. Afraid that whatever it was had something to do with him. Something that _Merlin_ has done wrong. Something _Arthur_ resents him for. Merlin would just have to try and do whatever needs to be done to take away any wrong feelings from Arthur. And being away from outside influences definitely puts him in the position to do so. If only, he could get Arthur to talk to him!

 

**

 

Arthur was a little surprised when Merlin found him in the weight room two hours later asking him if he would like to watch a movie. Apparently Merlin brought along Iron Man 3, along with some other movies to the lake-house for them to watch. Arthur was a little surprised. He knew that he was being off putting towards Merlin. Even though it was not his intention. And maybe he should have been more honest with everything that he was feeling towards Merlin, and not just his love for him the night before, but what seemed to matter most at that moment was for Merlin to _know_ that he was loved. For him to feel it. Arthur's feelings didn't matter in that equation. And isn't that the problem? Isn't it because he continuosly places Merlin's thoughts and feelings ahead of his own that he's in his mess of a life in the first place? Isn't it because he hasn't put himself first that he's suffering from dependency issues? Isn't it because he en-robed himself in Merlin's life so much that he's lost his own identity in the process? Arthur groaned inwardly. Yes, that _is_ the problem. And it's the hardest thing to solve because when he tried to explain it to Merlin before he walked away agreeing to dates and feeling extremely guilty. Like he shouldn't _want_ those things for himself. Like he shouldn't _want_ to take his own steps to recover for Merlin's sake. Like Merlin shouldn't be more supportive, in the same way that Arthur's been supportive of him. Like he shouldn't tell Merlin, because Merlin's feelings would be hurt. Because Arthur's feelings shouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things in comparison to Merlin's own. It's not like Merlin hasn't made him feel that way by completely disregarding his thoughts and always going back to what he wants. 

 

No. Arthur couldn't tell Merlin any of that. So of course Arthur made it to the living room area - freshly showered in changed in sweats - finding himself on the couch, fireplace going, Iron Man 3 playing, with a big bowl of popcorn popped between them, wine glass in hand.

 

And of course he laughed throughout the movie, and expressed the necessary emotions for each scene to appease Merlin. Even though he felt like he wanted to cry inside. Of course he couldn't help but look at how Merlin's features bounced off from the light of the telly. And of course he wanted to hold him, remembering what it felt like do so only the night before. Even though he didn't succumb to it. And Arthur understood that he _couldn't_ succumb to it. To do that, after yesterday, could be misleading to both he and Merlin. And Arthur wouldn't be able to handle that. Not to mention it would probably do all _sorts_ of things to his recovery (and maybe even Merlin's). Nimueh and Morgana would have his arse if Arthur went away for two weeks and screwed himself over from recovering properly. 

 

~ * ~

 

It wasn't long before the movie was over and they found themselves in front of the fireplace roasting marshmallows with cups of hot chocolate. Sitting through the movie with Arthur was tense and Merlin was as positive as ever that something was wrong with Arthur. Even though he was afraid to broach the topic. He thought he'd talk to Arthur about something he'd been meaning to talk to Arthur about since he came back from the resort. “So..., tell me about Mordred.” Merlin requested softly, eyes still looking into the fire, while toasting his jumbo marshmallows on a skewer.

 

Arthur almost choked on his own spit where he sat beside Merlin. When he spoke he was hoarse. “Do you really want to know that?” Arthur asked, incredulously while raising a brow.

 

Merlin twisted his marshmallows a little more in the fire before pulling it to have it nice and toasty. He turned to Arthur and shrugged. “I wouldn't have asked if I didn't.”

 

Arthur swallowed. Before putting his marshmallows in the fire. It was his turn to stare into the flame while responding. “Well, as you know we met at the resort. Mordred had been there a week prior to me. He signed up for a month. Mordred suffers from having an eating disorder in it's early to middle stages of development. If he didn't come when he did it would have been much worse for him.” Arthur said seriously, before seeming to smile about what he was going to say next. 

 

And Merlin didn't understand why. And when he did. He didn't _want_ to. 

 

“It was something we had in common.” Arthur paused, before clearing his throat and continuing. “Mordred was overweight as a child. He had his fair share of bullies teasing and taunting him about his weight until he decided enough was enough. He lost his weight. He took control. The only problem was he sometimes would keep some of the feelings that he felt during those times. And as you know – sometimes - those feelings can come back to haunt you. Sometimes, he would see himself as fat. Even though he understands – quite clearly - that he's not. Before the resort he would find himself skipping meals. He would find himself weighing in daily, and punishing himself if he gained weight, by not eating and by working out past the limits of his own body. He knew the problem was beginning to get out of control when he passed out in a boardroom meeting at the company he works for. He's in financing. He signed up for the resort on his own to take his life back fully, and to prevent himself from getting any worse.” Arthur took a deep breath. Marshmallows out of the fire a while ago and cooling. And with that. There was no excuse not to look at Merlin. It didn't mean he couldn't hide behind his hot chocolate mug though. “When I met Mordred we hit it off quickly. We shared similar interest. We both fenced in school and we both played on a footie team. We liked the same movies, and we both have small families. It was/is...easy to talk to him.” Arthur said thoughtfully. “And before long he was helping me to get excited again. To make sure that I ate. He would encourage me when I felt down or would help me come back to myself after a strenuous session with the therapist or the nutritionist. It was Mordred, along with Kay and Bohrs, who convinced me to stay a little longer for treatment. I was concerned about how we left things. But they reminded me that everyone I contacted said everything was fine so there wasn't a need to rush back. And we _all_ supported each other while we were away and created a pact to meet up often once we were released for support.”

 

Merlin didn't know about Kay and Bohrs, but he could only guess what kind of _pact_ Mordred wanted to create and _why_ he was so _supportive_ of Arthur. And he doubted it had _anything_ to do with Arthur _recovery_ and _everything_ to do with getting into Arthur's pants. Merlin didn't dare voice his thoughts on that one. Arthur would be sure to chew him out in his mood. “And how do you feel about Mordred?” He asked instead.

 

Arthur eyes closed immediately, slowly shaking his head, as he took a deep breath before asking. “Do you _really_ want to know this, Merlin?” Arthur asked credulously. Because he really _doubted_ Merlin _wanted_ to know that considering how jealous he's been in Mordred's presence.

 

And no, Merlin most certainly did _not_ want to know how Arthur _felt_ about Mordred, but he was a glutton for punishment and felt that he _needed_ to know how Arthur _felt_ about Mordred considering his and Arthur's predicament. Merlin ran a hand through his hair, and sighed, as he prepared himself for what was next to come. “Yes.”

 

“I _care_ for him.” Arthur answered immediately, looking straight in Merlin's eyes.

 

Merlin felt his chest constrict. “You _care_ for him.” Merlin repeated in a whisper, eyes watering while looking at Arthur.

 

Arthur averted his eyes from Merlin for a moment before pressing the bridge of his nose with his left thumb and forefinger and sighing. “Yes, I _care_ for him. He's shown me nothing but support and has proven himself to be a friend in the short time that I've known him.”

 

“You care for him.” Merlin whispered to himself this time before asking. “Do you like him? Do you find him attractive?” And why did Merlin ask that question?! Because he wanted to punish himself even further that's why!

 

Arthur turned away for a moment, to look anywhere but at Merlin, before turning back to face him. He _had_ to face him. “I _like_ him.” He admitted softly, honestly.

 

Merlin grimaced. He felt a stab in his chest from self-inflicted pain. Why not go for broke? Merlin was hoarse as he repeated his second question. His tone was strained as he asked. “Do you find him attractive?” 

 

Arthur frowned. He didn't understand where this line of questioning was going and he wasn't sure that he _wanted_ to know. It wasn't like it would benefit anyone to speak of it and he told Merlin early on that he would make this process easier on him by _not_ telling him about his dates. But Merlin wanted to know anyway. And why does he want to know?! Arthur groaned. “Merlin. Why does it even matter? You've proven that you dislike Mordred by your rudeness to him at Autumn's play, and your inability to be anywhere near him at the Christmas Party.”

 

Merlin winced, and before he opened his mouth to respond, Arthur continued.

 

“If I didn't find him attractive - at all - I wouldn't be going out on a date with him.” And why did Arthur tell the truth? Merlin's crestfallen expression really didn't help matters. It only made him feel more guilty. Like he was cheating! He's never cheated before on anyone in his entire life!

 

“Your going out on a _date_ with him?” Merlin confirmed quietly, his tone shaky. He could feel his insides boiling because he was absolutely _right_ about Mordred's intentions for Arthur. And despite what everyone else tried to say on the matter, they were clearly wrong! Merlin's eyes couldn't help but water more as he looked at Arthur's expression in wait of a response.

 

And looking Merlin in his eyes brought about even more guilt, and why _should_ he feel guilty? What did he do?! This is about his own recovery dammit and Merlin has the nerve to make him feel guilty about it! How in the hell is he going to recover if he's constantly worried about how Merlin reacts to what he has to do for it? Arthur sucked in a breath as he felt himself getting riled about by nerves and becoming anxious. He had to keep himself together. 

 

Nevertheless, there was only one answer Arthur could give for Merlin's question. “Yes.”

 

“But why?” Merlin whined, eyes widened, expression full of hurt. He just can't understand why Arthur would go out with Mordred. They are friends. They know things about each other. They find each other attractive. Mordred would use that to his advantage. Why would Arthur go out with someone when he knows it has the potential to develop into something more?! Why couldn't he just chose some random blokes? Someone he doesn't have prior connections to?

 

Arthur sucked in another breath to calm himself. Arthur doesn't know how many more attacks he can suffer from Merlin. If Merlin doesn't see it then Arthur doesn't know how else to explain it to him. “Why?” He asked incredulously, while raising a brow. “Because it's for my recovery Merlin. I have to _date_ other people. I have to _meet_ other people. I have to develop other patterns that are totally opposite from the ones that I've had with you. This is nothing I haven't told you before.” He made a point in saying before continuing. “Forcing me to eat doesn't solve the problem of why I have trouble eating in the first place, Merlin. It doesn't take away the depression either. It doesn't take away the hurt. I have to heal that's why.” Arthur finished sharply, with a matter-of-fact tone.

 

And Merlin caught it. It didn't mean he understood it. Why Mordred though?! Why him? Why can't it be anyone else on the planet?! “Why does it have to be Mordred?!” Why couldn't it be anyone else than a man who obviously wants to get into your pants?! Merlin added to himself. He wouldn't dare voice that question to Arthur either.

 

Arthur looked at Merlin in total disbelief. His jaw tightened. After everything that he just said. After everything that he has said. The only thing Merlin got out of it was the fact that he was choosing to go out on a date with _Mordred_. “Because Mordred asked me to.” Arthur responded with irritation before continuing. “Because he is in the category of meeting someone new and he's in the category of someone I _can_ date. Not to mention we _are_ friends. And I don't want to go out on a date with someone I don't care for. It was easier to put everything on the line for Mordred and to have him choose whether or not he'd like to take the next step.”

 

“I bet he chose alright.” Merlin muttered under his breath. Fortunately for Merlin, Arthur didn't seem to hear him before he continued with his answer.

 

“Mordred and I have a lot in common and it makes it _easier_ to go out with him. And he's been nothing but supportive of my recovery.”

 

“I'm sure he has.” Merlin whispered, and unfortunately for Merlin, this time, Arthur did hear it.

 

Arthur looked at Merlin, hurt, angry, his hands were trembling as he attempted to hold himself together. “You don't even _care_ do you?” He accused.

 

Merlin raised a brow. “Care about what?” Not understanding this new line of questioning.

 

And Arthur doesn't know what does it. It could be all of Merlin's pressures over the past weeks. It could be his own stress from his depression. The pressure of gaining weight, or the pressure of being institutionalized by his father, but something breaks and Arthur was unable to hold in everything that he's been keeping pent up for so long. “You don't even care about me. You don't even care about my recovery at all.” He didn't shout. He felt detached at the moment. Numb. Cold. Because if this was true. If he was right...

 

Merlin flinched, alarmed, because that was so far from the truth. He shook his head. His eyes were watering more. His throat felt like there was a lump in it as he said. “That's not true, Arthur.”

 

“Yes it is!” Arthur shrieked. It couldn't be held back. “You only care about how this all affects you. You don't even care if I recover. You don't care if I do the things that I need to do to recover. You only care that I stay that same old gullible Arthur who's constantly put your needs before anything else for years now!” Arthur shouted rising to his feet. Vein bulging at the surface of his neck.

 

“Arthur,” Merlin shot up too. Attempting to mollify the situation. “Calm down, Arthur, that's not true.” Merlin tried to reach out to Arthur and Arthur stepped away from him quickly.

 

“Yes it is!” He shouted, shaking his head. Hands in fists. “You don't want me to take the steps to lessen my dependency of you. You don't want me to gain my identity back. You just care that I'll choose you, and damn the consequences of what that entails!” Arthur shook his head in disbelief, eyes watering, jaw still clinched. And it's nothing new. He knows this is what Merlin feels. He hasn't shown one ounce of support in what's needed for his recovery. As long as it stays about Merlin in it. As long as Arthur chooses him.

 

Merlin opened and closed his mouth a few times for loss of words, he took some hesitant steps forward and back again, before running both of his hands and fingers through his hair and shaking his head. “That not -”

 

But Arthur wasn't having it.

 

“It is. You don't care.”Arthur said brokenly. “You want me to sacrifice what my own needs are to put yours first. Like I want to do all of the things I have to do in the first place to separate myself from you. Your making it harder for me to choose to do so. You selfishly put yourself first over and over again. I've told you on numerous occasions what I need for my recovery. What my own therapist says - two therapist at that - and you sneer at it on every turn. Relationships are about give and take. It's about compromise. That's what you do when you truly _love_ someone. I've been in relationships before. It may have been a while but I do _know_ this. And if I have to see a reminder I see it in all of our many friends' relationships. I see it in my sister's. I don't _see_ that in you, Merlin.”

 

And Merlin looked shocked. Eyes wide. Mouth opened. Skin paled. He didn't know what to say. “Arthur -” He tried.

 

But when Arthur was on a roll...

 

“I don't _see_ that in you.” Arthur repeated painfully. “You claim, that you want me. You claim, that you love me, but you've never _shown_ me that you love me. Not like that.” He shook his head. “It's still about your needs. And I can't get better if I cater to your needs every step of the way. I see you – everyday - unless you have company which allows me the distance, and I speak with you every night. I agreed to date you against my therapist's better judgment once a week because you made me feel guilty about what I needed to do for my health. You made me feel like what I needed to do wasn't fair to you. Like it was a choice that was for me to make unless I wanted to continue to suffer from depression and it's effects. I've given in to all of your demands, and yet you treat anything I have to do as a direct insult against you. Like my needs do not matter. What have _you_ done to show that you actually care about _my_ recovery?”

 

And Arthur didn't give Merlin a chance to answer that question.

 

“Absolutely nothing! That's what you've done!” Arthur yelled, while shaking his head.

 

Merlin recoiled. He didn't know what to say. It wasn't like he could get a word in edgewise to defend himself anyway. And he felt like he was a target, and the weapoin of choice that was launched made direct hit with precision, straight to his heart. His body shuddered.

 

But Arthur couldn't see the damage. He couldn't see past his hurt to look at it. Not when he was finally getting out everything he kept in. “Even Mordred has shown more care for me in the past three weeks that I've known him than you've shown me in the past seven years.” 

 

Merlin flinched. If he couldn't feel any worse. There was no stopping his tears as Arthur continued on his tirade.

 

And Arthur was quite aware that that was a low blow but he didn't care because it was so true. That's the way he's felt. Merlin couldn't care less with what was going on with him as long as Arthur chose to be with him. Mordred might want him for more but at least he's shown that he cares! At least he's shown concern on all levels of his recovery and not in just his eating and weight loss. At least he understands that Arthur will have to date other people. At least he understands that Arthur still loves Merlin and that that was unlikely to change. And the good part was that he didn't _want_ to sever their friendship because Arthur couldn't guarantee him anything. He was still willing to try. To see if things could lead anywhere between them. It was so much different from Merlin not showing any support in what was needed for him. Like Arthur's been doing for Merlin for years! It was so much better than Merlin not showing that he cared about what happened to him if he didn't follow through with his recovery path. It was so much better than having to feel guilty about following your own treatment because the person who claims to love you disagrees with every part of it. Not that he's going to jump into a relationship with Mordred like Merlin seems to think. He's not an idiot! Relationships take time to develop. That's why there's a such thing called dating or getting to know each other better! Arthur was hoarse as he responded. His chest was hurting. His heart was beating faster too. But he took some deep breaths before he continued. “You keep saying that you _care_ about me. You keep saying that you _love_ me. But in case you didn't know it – Merlin - actions, speak louder than words.”

 

And that got Merlin's jaw moving, despite how quickly Arthur was cutting in. “But I do love you, Arthur! If there's anything you need to believe the most you need to know that.” Merlin responded, hollow. Expression - sheer agony.

 

“And I know you do.” Arthur said quietly, while wiping the tears from his face with both hands, it didn't stop more from flowing unfortunately. That much is true. It doesn't mean that Merlin's actions add up to go with the feeling though. And that was the part that continued to break Arthur's heart. “But you have a warped up definition of what love means for the one that you're with. Because from where I'm standing... It's all about you. And I can't... _be_ with someone like that. I can't.”

 

“Arthur -” Merlin choked out. Fearing what was coming next. Knowing what was coming next. And afraid of what it would mean. He couldn't lose Arthur! He couldn't say anything else though, because when Arthur had it in his mind to say something...he said it. As Merlin discovered again when he opened his mouth to speak.

 

Arthur held a hand up, tired, hurt, and in tears. Because he was about to make a decision. “I don't want to hear it, Merlin. I'll be there for you. I will continue to be your friend. I'll continue to support you. I'll continue to be there when you _need_ me to. And I'll continue to call you. But anything else...” Arthur shook his head. He swallowed, his face was full of pain and his tone matched it. “Anything else. I can't even _think_ about right now. I don't even know if I can think about it once I've recovered. Because even when I do recover, and I will,” Arthur said determined in his pain, “I can't be with someone who will always put there needs above anyone else's. I do not _need_ that in my life.” He shook his head. “I don't _deserve_ that in my life. I deserve _better_ than that. I deserve someone who loves me and _knows_ how to show it. I deserve someone who loves me and doesn't _bully_ me into succumbing to their wants and needs by guilt, emotional force, or ultimatums. I deserve someone who will compromise for me in the same way that I will compromise for them. I deserve better!”

 

“Arthur -” Merlin called brokenly. He reached out to Arthur again grabbing the sleeve of his long sleeved white polo sweatshirt before Arthur yanked his arm away. And Merlin was done. He felt like he was drowning and he had no way of coming up for air because what could he say to Arthur to change his mind. What difference would it make now if Arthur didn't want to be with him. Arthur was so sure in his words, and Merlin hasn't said anything to prove to Arthur that his thoughts were incorrect in anyway. He didn't even have a chance to speak!

 

“I don't... I don't want to hear it, Merlin!” Arthur cut Merlin off again in his anger. While raising his hands up to block Merlin from touching him again. “I need to get - out - of here for a moment.” He said as he headed to the door. “I'm going to the lake. Don't follow me.”

 

“Arthur, please, just wait a minute!” Merlin tried, again as he wept. But to no avail. It seemed when Arthur had his mind made up...

 

“Leave me alone, Merlin.” Was Arthur's only response to Merlin as he headed out the door. 

 

He may be going to the lake but Arthur's heart felt like it was back in London to Merlin. And Merlin legs gave out as he slumped to the floor. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to say. Arthur's been such a huge chunk of his life for so long, and for some reason he still couldn't get anything right. He couldn't say anything right anymore! Merlin was shaking from where he was, laying on his side on the rug before the fireplace. He sobbed. He sobbed until he was all cried out and his throat felt raw, and then he sat up abruptly. Because this was not happening. He was _not_ just going to give up Arthur without a fight! Even if he has to keep messing up until he get's it right. He will get it right! It's not like there's some book of instruction for their situation. They are going to make mistakes. He is going to make mistakes. But he won't make this major one. Merlin was not going to walk away from the best thing that's ever happened to him. No, Merlin thought, as he wiped his face with his hands. He got to his feet in one swift motion, determined. And because he was Merlin, and because Merlin never completely did what Arthur wanted him to do apparently...he followed Arthur to the lake.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't fret. The boys will have their talk. Coming up next. Arthur had to get those things off of his chest because those were things that's been bothering him where Merlin is concerned. We know that from his talks with Morgana. Merlin, may not share everything that he has bottled up but he does share, and he has shared his dislikes about what Arthur's has to do for his recovery. Merlin was open with that. Up until this point, Arthur has only managed to share his feelings for Merlin, and what his doctor prescribes for him to do for his own mental health. But nothing else. Where his personal feelings are involved. As they talked about safe topics instead when they weren't having a heart-to-heart. It was time. 
> 
> A penny for your thoughts.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to start off by thanking all of you for sending in such wonderful reviews. It continues to inspire me to push myself further. While it encourages me to get these chapters posted as quickly as possible. I love reading your thoughtful comments, and I love seeing this story from your many different perspectives. If I haven't responded to your reviews yet I will certainly be getting around to do doing so shortly.
> 
> This is another large chapter. Not as huge as the 30,000 some odd count but it still counts as large. This chapter is also unbeta'd. If you see something please feel free to tell me, and I will make the necessary corrections. I've reviewed this chapter several times, but it doesn't mean that I didn't miss anything. So my apologies in advance. With that being said, I hope you enjoy the chapter!

 

When Arthur made it to the docks on the lake. The first thing he did was pace. He couldn't stop. His nerves were shot. Shortly following that, the second thing he did was slow down, because he felt the onset of an attack coming if he didn't. The anxiety was building up in it's own way since the night of Autumn's play. It increased by the anticipation of lunch with Uther. And then with Merlin's constant questioning about what was bothering him throughout the day. And since _when_ did Merlin do that? If they'd only focused on Merlin like they were supposed to - like they've been doing all along - it may have been different. But no...because _Merlin,_ decided - all of a sudden - that he wanted to change the unwritten rules, by being proactive, by wanting to _know_ what was wrong with _him -_ by nagging him to eat, and by attempting to force him to talk - when Merlin's shown no interest about caring about his feelings aside from Arthur's love for him since the start of this fiasco.

 

The anxiety only pushed further with the already there feeling of Merlin's lack of support throughout his recovery. And his negativeness towards Mordred – a human being, who's done nothing wrong to Merlin - was only the icing on the cake. Showing once again, that Merlin was not showing support for anything regarding what was needed for him to recover. And really? This wasn't even about Mordred. Not really. Mordred was only a confirmation, of what Arthur has seen all along by Merlin's actions since the day he told Merlin about his illness. It was a confirmation that the support between them was only going to be coming from one-way, and it wasn't going to come from Merlin.

 

So no, this wasn't all about Mordred. It was about the fact that the only support he's received from Merlin in regards to his mental health was his – sudden - interest in him wanting to make sure that he ate. And nothing else. Even though Merlin has been told of it all. By everyone. By Arthur himself. As he _has_ shared with Merlin the details surrounding his condition. But Merlin hasn't been able to see past himself on that one, or the fact that they may not end up together in the end. So it wasn't all about Mordred. Even though the subject of Mordred was the cause of sparking the argument. No, this has been going on all along. And with the combination of all of those combustible feelings...it was bound to be released somehow. He was bound to reach a breaking point. And with Merlin's incessant chattering. His whispered criticisms. Not only mentioned to him, but to their friends, towards Morgana (of his recovery). Like Morgana was the only one making choices for him. Like they were only meant to be targeted at Merlin, and not for Arthur's own health. Because it's always about Merlin.

 

Like there was no other reason needed for him to follow the rules of his recovery except to hurt Merlin. Like Morgana had complete control. Because Arthur, didn't make any of his own decisions on how to proceed after, his therapist put a recovery plan in place, nor did he have to agree with what needed to be done for his own health. Because Arthur apparently, couldn't make his own decisions where Merlin was concerned. Arthur tried to take in some deep breaths to calm down. He _needed_ to calm down he thought, as he gazed into the night sky. And though Arthur was trying very hard to clear his mind...it was on a roll.

 

He couldn't help but think about how Merlin constantly talked negatively about his recovery process with everyone - with him - and how he constantly blamed his sister for getting him help when she did. When it was needed. Somehow missing the point that if it weren't for Morgana, there was a good chance that he would have been _dead_ by now. And she's been nothing short of supportive since the start of this. Unlike Merlin who's never noticed a thing nor has he shown any sign of support. His failing to support. All of those things added quickly to the building of Arthur's anxiety. Because for some reason - when you suffer depression - once you start thinking of one negative thing that's bothering you – unfortunately - all of those other things in relation to it rises to the surface too as a reminder of why the situation seemed so hopeless to begin with.

 

And Arthur was starting to feel the symptoms for an attack during his confrontation with Merlin. It was a huge part of the reason why he left the lake-house when he did. Merlin didn't need to be with him while he was in that state. And his actions around Merlin the last time was inexcusable. Even though he was only trying then to control it, as best as he could in Merlin's presence during a horrible situation. Even though he was trying to stop Merlin from getting on that plane. The bottom line. Arthur didn't excuse himself if he frightened Merlin. He didn't excuse himself if Merlin was afraid of him because of it, or if it reminded Merlin of his past abuse. And he didn't want Merlin to feel like he was someone to fear. He'd rather suffer alone, and far away from Merlin as possible, if that were the case. And it's for that reason, that he wouldn't allow Merlin to see him in his present state. Not if he could help it. He won't allow Merlin to have to _deal_ with that again. Merlin didn't deserve any of that.

 

And it's not like it would have done him any good if he'd ended up in the hospital from a full blown panic/anxiety attack anyway. He would then have to explain why he had one in the first place. Which would then open up the door for him to have to admit that he was suffering from severe depression. Which would only open up several _other_ doors that _needed_ to remain closed. For as _long_ as possible.

 

And Arthur was never foolish enough with the name _Pendragon,_ to not guess exactly where that would lead to. Negative exposure was something his father _never_ had to worry about where he and Morgana were concerned. No lecture necessary _or_ needed. Going to the hospital like that - in his condition - would be the quickest way for his father to find out. And just thinking of that - and the ramifications of it - made Arthur's heartbeat race even more than it did from his confrontation with Merlin.

 

Arthur continued to take deep, slow breaths. He had to remind himself that he was safe and not locked away in a private wing of a mental institution - where no one but the doctors and nurses would see him - and as far as he knew, his father was still unaware of his condition. Even though he and Morgana suspected that that might no longer be the case. He could have some little hope in that. And the fact that his father hasn't confronted him about his illness, or truly cornered him about his weight loss, like he could have done at the mansion. It was all Arthur had to hold on to in that regard at the moment.

 

He had to relax his muscles as best as he could. And since his heart was still beating faster from the thoughts of both his father and Merlin... Arthur started to count back from one hundred. And as he did so. He started to clear his mind. To rein in his thoughts and emotions. In hopes of giving himself a _peace_ of mind. Once he was able to calm down he took the time to consider what he'd done. His first instinct was to run back to the lake-house, to apologize to Merlin for what he'd said. But upon further scrutiny, of his own first instinct... Arthur realized that what he'd spoken was the truth. It may have been late in coming. He may have kept those feelings to himself. But _dammit_ , it was his _feelings,_ and it _needed_ be heard! Merlin, needed to hear it! Even though he probably wouldn't have been said under normal circumstances! So with that, he relented. Because. Really? What _should_ he be apologizing for? How he _presented_ it?

 

Arthur does know he probably wouldn't have said what he felt to Merlin, if his stress levels weren't as high as they were. And that brought back thoughts of a past discussion. Once Morgana discovered the meaning of it all in her mind. After her last major argument with Gwaine, and her last night spending the night at his and Merlin's flat for own her temper. On the couch. In front of the telly, at the bottom of a bottle of brandy...she sprouted her words of wisdom. More for herself than for him mind, but, still, Arthur remembered the words nonetheless.

 

“ _When you're stressed, or hurt – sometimes, with it having nothing to do with your loved one - you tend to attack them anyway. Because you tend to attack the person you love the most first. I tried to figure it out along the years and have only managed to come to a few conclusions.” Morgana said as she sat back from refilling her's and Arthur's glasses with more brandy. “You attack the one you love most because you know that they are going to forgive you, because they love you too much not to. You do it. Because you don't know how to communicate your own feelings at the time. Because it's so overwhelming - those feelings - and the only person who would be able to put up with you even_ trying _to communicate it would the person that you love.” She sighed before nodding as if confirming her own thoughts before continuing. “Because they_ have to _if they love you...eventually.”_

 

_Arthur listened to his sister, thinking she must have really fucked up with Gwaine. That she must have been in some hot water where groveling might possibly be necessary. For whatever she'd said to him. For whatever she'd done._

 

“ _And if the problem really is directed at your loved one you tend to lash out at them the hardest because you_ want _them to experience the same hurt that you do. None of it makes it right, well...not really.” Morgana's brows furrowed. She was in thought. She was talking it out more for her own benefit than for Arthur's. “But most arguments are started or fueled that way. Though that doesn't make it right either.” Arthur was able to see some guilt show up in Morgana's expression before she spoke again. “All it all means is that we, as individuals have a hard time of expressing our feelings, admitting to what's really bothering us, and sometimes admitting too when we're wrong. And instead of trying to speak about what the problem is rationally...we let it all out at once - no matter how the dice falls - hurting the innocent bystander. Our loved one - if_ _they are innocent at the time – in the process. And if we knew how to communicate properly, it more than likely wouldn't have escalated to an argument or worse anyway.”_

 

That was Morgana's way of thinking through things. Talking it out. Either out loud or in her own mind. Arthur knew this. And it was her way of trying to see things from Gwaine's point-of-view. Because Gwaine worshipped her for years – which she knew - and would sooner tear his own heart out than do anything to really _hurt_ her. But that didn't mean that he would set himself aside as a personal punching bag for Morgana's temper tantrums either. In fear of hurting her feelings. No, Gwaine would _allow_  Morgana just enough rope to _hang_ herself at times, and when she did - when she stuck her foot in it - that's when Gwaine would let her have it. Hence, Morgana spending a lot of nights at his and Merlin's in the first few years of their relationship and some later on down the road. Because being someone of privilege, use to getting everything you want, makes it difficult sometimes when it comes down to understanding the art of compromise, how to speak to someone, or taking someone else's feelings into account. Arthur _understood_ that. Morgana _learned_ that. Even though they could still sometimes make mistakes. Him included. They were human after all.

 

And when she came over she didn't need anyone to tell her what to do. (Unless she really was being really cruel and unrepentant. And there was no reason for her to come over if Gwaine was at fault at the time. Arthur understood this too.) She only needed someone to talk to. To _listen_. And Arthur was always there for her, when she needed an ear to hear. And some support. It was what they would do. Which was the opposite for them at times because Arthur, sometimes needed her to voice things for him, because he had a hard to formulating what the meaning of it all was. If his pain was blinding his judgment. Or, he would think of the present, and not the repercussions, of what might happen in the future. Like his love for Merlin – his pining, his not giving up when he should have, or not entertaining his feelings apparently like Merlin did. By managing to turn any feelings for him off like a switch – and then the result of it, his depression. He and Morgana evened each other out as siblings that way. And it made it easier for them to communicate with each other knowing what to do - and what not to do, to not push the other too far - while allowing the other to see what needed to be seen. (Which actually benefitted his sister right now when it came to him and his condition.)

 

It took Morgana years to figure that one out. After she'd gotten several arguments with Gwaine under her belt to prove it. But something about that particular conversation, on that particular night, meant something to Arthur. And Arthur remembered that night well too. Morgana showed up at his and Merlin's flat, after she and Gwaine had gotten into a big argument over absolutely _nothing_ of importance – in Arthur's mind - because she was angry at one of their major client's throughout her day. Because Fisher King of Computer World, stressed her out and angered her beyond measure – because he was a major client and she had to make the client happy to not disappoint herself, to not disappoint their father. Even though she was her own worse critic - and as a result, she came home taking it all out on Gwaine. Finding anything and everything to argue about, and saying it was all Gwaine's fault. And Gwaine, who knew her well enough... _called_ her on it. Which only made her even _more_ angrier, which only forced her storm out of their flat in anger. Which is how she ended up crashing at his and Merlin's for the evening. Bottle of brandy in hand. And as they got drunk on their brandy, she put all of her thoughts together - along with the thoughts and comments heard from Gwaine into perspective – before sharing it with her brother.

 

Fortunately for Merlin, he was was working a double-shift at the hospital that night - otherwise he would have had to suffer through it all with him too. Unless Merlin had a date, a boyfriend at the time, or a one-off. Which he could easily be persuaded to cancel for the night _if_ , Arthur really needed him to. A night like this would have constituted as an emergency. It was only fair! But unfortunately for Arthur, he was on his own with Morgana for the night. Though it wasn't exactly...torture. Listening to her yammer on about Gwaine - and Arthur had already brought Merlin - and the late night crew for the emergency department - lasagna and fresh garlic bread for dinner, and Tirimasu for dessert.

 

And they _loved_ Arthur at the hospital. Still do. Basically treating him as Merlin's better half – Merlin not knowing how to cook might have had something to do with that - but still, it was...nice. If it didn't hurt sometimes. Even though Merlin never noticed anything out of the ordinary. Even though Arthur tried his best not to show any feelings for Merlin when he would visit Merlin at the hospital. He knew how things could be in the workplace. His plan wasn't successful though. Mithian picked up on it, and quickly. And if Mithian picked up on it... Arthur was certain there were others. Whether Merlin ever got the unposted memo or not. But when Merlin did have double-shifts, he was always to busy to think about eating. _“It's the rush of it all, Arthur.”_ Merlin would say. So when Merlin would text him, stating that he had to do a double-shift, or if he knew in advance to post it on the refrigerator... Arthur would make sure that he had something prepared for him _and_ the late night crew. Because for some reason, the hospital seemed too busy after hours for anyone to have time to bring _or_ cook their own meals. _“Arthur, you do know that they only do that for you right?” Merlin's eyes glistened as he smiled at Arthur, dimples showing, as he opened the door for the exits. Allowing Arthur to go before him._

 

 _Arthur's heart skipped a beat as he watched Merlin's entire countenance lit up. Arthur swallowed hard. Before he remembered he was supposed to be thinking of something to say. Because Arthur_ did not _know that the late night crew was doing that for him! Because that would mean that they were purposely not bringing food to make him..._

_Well. Merlin didn't need to know that. It would make Arthur look like an idiot if he missed it. Luckily for Arthur, he wouldn't have to worry about answering that question anyway, as Merlin continued._

 

“ _Do you really think that your superb cooking doesn't have anything to do with the late night crew_ always _claiming that they've either forgotten to bring dinner or that they've had no time to - every time - I just_ happen _to be the one doing a double-shift?”_ _Merlin asked with a smirk, while raising a questioning brow to Arthur, giving him time to draw his own conclusions while walking him back to his car. Like he'd always do, when Arthur came to visit him at work. If the hospital wasn't too busy, allowing him the reprieve to walk Arthur out._

 

 _Nope, Merlin really didn't need to know a thing about Arthur not knowing. Arthur straightened his shoulders. He huffed. "Of course I knew that they were trying to get me to cook for them,_ Mer _lin." Arthur lied. "I always make so much extra anyway. It would be a shame for the food to go to waste."_

 

_Merlin could only shake his head, while running a hand through it to run through his hair, looking at Arthur in disbelief before grinning. They both knew that was a lie. Arthur never made food that much food for the both of them at dinner. But Merlin decided to let Arthur have his dignity. "How noble of you, Arthur." But Merlin's eyes were teasing, as he was grinning at Arthur._

_And Arthur was grateful for it. "It was the right thing to do."  Arthur said, while holding his head up high. Before he and Merlin looked up in each other's eyes and bursted out laughing._

 

But Arthur remembered everything about that entire evening clearly now. As it was the first time that anything that Morgana said that night actually applied to _him_. For one, because he was in love. For two, because this was the first time that he's ever truly attempted to express to Merlin how he was feeling at the moment about Merlin's lack of support for him during his recovery. He'd hinted at it at times, he'd mentioned some things, but he never put it all out there before. He always placed Merlin's thoughts and feelings before his own. And looking back at that night - that conversation with Morgana - Arthur knows that some of that is _exactly_ what happened between he and Merlin. Because he felt like everything was at it's peak. Because he felt like - due to everything - he was being backed into a corner. Like a wounded animal, and like a wounded animal - attempting to fight for his existence - he attacked. He was at his extremum, his limit. And Merlin had been trying him all day, from the start, to find out what was wrong with him. They'd already had days where Merlin had treated him hot and frigid cold regarding Mordred, and that conversation - between the combination of them all - and the impending doom of being institutionalized was his breaking point. And with that, the filter from his brain to his mouth was abstracted, and he'd said things that he couldn't take back now even if he tried. Even _if_ he wanted to.

 

Arthur may not have been feeling Merlin's support at all, but he was able to hide those feelings of doubt and hurt away. Only the people who knew him well could see that. And though Merlin knew him well, Merlin didn't _know_ him well enough at times to know when to pay attention to what to look for. Not if Arthur didn't _want_ him to see it. It wasn't like depression when he lost control of it, and it became obvious to see. It was more below the surface. Like most things can be. Which actually, benefitted Arthur at times. And because of that, Arthur, would have kept those feelings to himself, for as long as possible. Until hopefully, he would have gotten over it. Because even if he did admit it, there would have been a good chance that Merlin may not have understood where he was coming from anyway. Or would have taken it as a direct hit against him--again. Even if it was. Whether it was meant to be or not. If he hasn't understood anything else. If he hasn't understood anything about what he needs to recover. If he hadn't understood that none of the steps of his recovery were things he'd _chosen_ for himself. If Merlin didn't understand that he suffered from severe depression and that his _therapist_ chose his recovery steps for him based on his said mental and physical health condition... Then what _could_ Arthur say?

 

Is it wrong to ask support for that? For Merlin to show some signs that he actually cares about him getting better too? Arthur doesn't think so. Especially since he's shown Merlin nothing but support for the past thirteen years. Emotionally and even financially. Though he doesn't dwell on the financial. Even though his father does and _has_ over the years. Which is why doesn't dwell on it. But with all of that support...why wouldn't it be fair to want Merlin to be supportive of this one thing for him? When's he's never asked Merlin for anything else? Is he asking too much? This one time?

 

Why can't Merlin be supportive of his recovery too?

 

Support _is_ important. From every one that holds a major part in your life. It was why Arthur never left Merlin without support when he came back from the resort to see that he was abandoned by all but of few of their friends. It was why he put his own recovery on hold - at first - to step in to help. Who knew his own condition would have regressed back so far? Who knew that it would be get so bad that he'd lose so much more weight? He knows what it means to have support from friends and family. He knows what it means when going through stages of depression to have support there for you. He could have gone the other way to leave Merlin alone, but he couldn't do that knowing what could result from it. And Merlin didn't deserve that. _No one deserves that_. Arthur knows this full well, and he knows what can happen when someone doesn't feel like they have any support. Which was why he put his personal feelings aside about what it would do to his recovery – and he did what he thought was right, setting aside as much time as possible - to his condition, to help Merlin.

 

If he had to think about what happened to people with no support. He needn't think any further than his aunt. He was not going to let Merlin feel the way that she did. And it would have still been fine now. If only Merlin understood why he needed some of the distance for his own recovery. And it wasn't like Merlin was being left alone. He even made sure that Merlin had support from their friends too - to draw himself back - to give himself the space that he needed. While still being there for Merlin if he needed him. If Merlin would only _try_ to understand. Arthur sighed deeply, while running his left hand across his brows in thought. But since Merlin's done nothing but fight him tooth and nail on anything Nimueh has advised him to do – which, as Morgana put it, was a courtesy to tell Merlin about in the first place, because they were not in a relationship and never were – it's only made Arthur feel guilty and obligated on some level to accept Merlin's choices over his own. Which according to Nimueh, goes against him making his own choices yet again. Only to comment further in saying that it was taking him steps back again in gaining his own identity, apart from Merlin's.

 

And Arthur has to admit it does. Because all of his choices thus far has been with Merlin in mind. To help him. To support him. And Merlin _has had_ his support. And Merlin _is_ getting better. Granted, there are some things that Merlin has mentioned that he hasn't touched. Some doors that he hasn't opened because he isn't quite ready to face it. Nevertheless - for the most part - he is improving. And he doesn't have to worry about his physical health. And this - difference in Merlin - was also from support. There were major changes between the time that Arthur left, the time he returned, and even up until now. Morgana was right in saying that his support wasn't needed for Merlin's recovery. But it didn't hurt to have either did it? And Merlin wanted him there.

 

And now - now that Merlin is getting better - Arthur only thought Merlin would think beyond the only thing that he seems to see. Them. Not being together. To think like a friend, and to be there to support him too. Did it even seem necessary to ask? Isn't that what friends are for? Instead, Merlin constantly speaks against his recovery when Arthur has to do something that he doesn't like. Arthur has to listen to his incessant jabs about it. Instead of Merlin showing just a little bit of support. Is it fair for Arthur not to feel like he deserves support too? From someone who claims that they love him so much? Or is it meant for him to give every single piece of himself to Merlin - and for Merlin's wants and needs - while leaving Arthur as nothing but a shell of his former self for Merlin's benefit? Would that be okay for Merlin then? Would it be okay if he gave up on his recovery only to end up in an institution to be left for dead, just to allow Merlin to _feel_ better? To know that he'd be dying _still_ loving him? Because he pretty much told Merlin that it could be possible if he didn't get the help. Even though it doesn't seem to make a difference. But it's not like Merlin cares that there are things that he has to do in between for his recovery. So maybe the end result of that would make Merlin feel better. As long as Arthur still loves him, right? Right.

 

And then there's that constant feeling like he's doing something wrong. Because Merlin keeps giving him that impression that he is, and knowing that he isn't is not _helping_  Arthur. Having to date Mordred for his recovery isn't anything against Merlin. In any way. They are not in a relationship and they never have been. Merlin telling him his feelings – whether he loves him for the right reasons or not – and Arthur telling Merlin his in return doesn't bond them in a relationship, on _any_ level where a commitment is concerned. Especially since that was a commitment that Arthur couldn't promise. And it wasn't like Merlin didn't know this, or that he wasn't aware of Arthur's feelings. Considering the fact that Merlin already _knew_ about his feelings, when the truths started coming out. It was Merlin who'd just discovered his. It's not like Arthur's told Merlin that he couldn't date other people. He stayed out of anything to do with that or his personal life (though that couldn't be the same of Merlin towards him). The only thing that Arthur's asked Merlin to do was allow him to support him as a friend. Something that Arthur knew and understood that Merlin needed. Anything else discussed, as needed for Arthur to do, were based on doctor's orders.

 

And Arthur's recovery steps have nothing to do with Merlin personally. It was all prescribed. And under protest at that. Just because he actually has to put an effort into it - just because he chose a friend to date - doesn't mean it wasn't any less under protest or anymore prescribed. Nimueh wants to see a real effort to get better on Arthur's part. She wants to see him _want it_ too. And not to appease everyone else, showing the appearance of getting better - to run back to Merlin - only to fall back into the same dependency and identity traps again. Only to possibly stay in love with someone who may or may not love him back. Only to fall apart completely when or if it doesn't work it. And dating some random bloke at a club or having a one-off is _not_ what you would consider _real effort_. Even if Merlin is feeling like it's directed at him. Arthur's been nothing but clear from the start that he was not able to commit to anything until he was healthy again. Until they were both, healthy, again. And that he would think about it, when they were. Like he's asked Merlin to do too. Arthur's been nothing but clear on what was needed for that to happen. So here, dating people as prescribed is _not_ cheating.

 

It would only be cheating if he decided it on his own, _without_ Nimueh advising him that it was necessary for him to recover. It would be cheating if he was in a relationship with Merlin. But then again, it wouldn't have been an unrequited love situation to begin with if that were the case. And even though it maybe somewhat requited now, the damage has been done. Arthur couldn't take back the damage now for all the tea in China. And since he is ill now....what would his alternative be - if he chose not to follow through with his recovery for Merlin - stay ill? Because even Nimueh is afraid at times of what he would choose to do _if_ she left him to his own devices. Which keeps her strong in still enforcing the same rules for his recovery with alterations - for Arthur's sake - to appease Merlin. With the exception of the dating, meeting new people, and moving out. And why? Because he's always managed to choose Merlin any other way! Which was sort of the problem. And why he was in this mess to begin with dealing with dependency issues and loss of identity. Because he _kept_ choosing Merlin's needs above his own. Because he kept choosing Merlin! And it's not Merlin's fault that he's made this mistake. That he was the fool to do that. That he was the one who kept choosing him. But it doesn't change the fact that Arthur needs help. And it wouldn't hurt to have support from his best friend either.

 

He told Merlin of his feelings for him because Merlin deserved to know. Because somewhere down the line Merlin somehow _had_ forgotten. Arthur admitted it to him before, but never in full detail. Never like Merlin has tried to explain to him. Because he knew Merlin knew from everyone else - in full detail - already. He shared how he felt about other things with Merlin - about his depression - but never much detail about his deep feelings. And during their dance...he voiced exactly what that love meant to him. But he couldn't do anything more. Not while suffering from depression. Not while feeling like his life would be over at any moment if his father found out about his condition. He needed to be healthy first. In order to cancel out both problems.

 

And it's still not like he can share that part with Merlin. It's technically not something Merlin has a right to know. Not really. They are friends. They are not in a relationship. And if Arthur hasn't shared that with any of his other friends...then he certainly doesn't have to share it with Merlin either. It's also not like Merlin is showing that he's being supportive, or that he even cares about him getting better anyway. Why would he tell something that's so close to his heart? And it's not like Merlin didn't keep his long history of abuse a secret himself, only to be told because he wanted to prove why he was unable to see Arthur's love for him properly. If it wasn't for that, Merlin would have never shared his secret. And those situations between them are entirely different.

 

The story of his aunt never affected the way that he's treated Merlin over the years. Like the story of Merlin's past has affected Merlin's treatment of Arthur. If anything, it may have made him more attentive of Merlin as he liked to keep a closer watch over his friends. And seeing Merlin at the hands of Valiant, and at the hands of bullies at times, brought out the protective nature in Arthur, and the nurturing side too. But it didn't do anything else like alter his emotions to the point that he couldn't _see_  anything in front of him where pain or recognizing Merlin's feelings were concerned. Arthur still _allowed_ himself to feel everything, and still lived his life. However crippled it became through suffering from depression. But it didn't do anything to alter how Arthur saw his friends. No, it's something that affects him on a more personal level, and not something that he can share with Merlin. Not yet, possibly not ever. Not that Merlin would even understand that, not if he's unable to understand why the steps of his recovery are necessary.

 

Not to mention that it's something that only he and Morgana share. Not to mention she hasn't even told Gwaine either, who's her _husband_. He only knows their aunt passed when they were younger and not the details of it. Aside from them missing school, the funeral, condolences, and etc. And since it's not Arthur's secret alone to tell...it will continue to stay between them until they _both_ decide otherwise. Which means there is only a limited amount of information that _can_ be shared in that regard. And their father has _never_ even said out loud to them that their aunt committed suicide due to her depression, once she was _institutionalized_. He's only shared that information in that same locked study in the mansion with Gaius. The first time when he and Gaius discussed aunt Margaret being institutionalized, and a second time, shortly after their father learned of aunt Margaret's death. When even then, their father never voiced that he regretted his decision. Claiming that he 'fixed it', the best way that he could. And how was he supposed to know the statistics - he said - when prompted by Gaius. Who seemed to have tried to get their father to reconsider his decision over the months while their aunt was locked away. Both major conversations between their father and Gaius - Arthur and Morgana were not supposed to be privy to - but managed to 'overhear' through means of eavesdropping anyway. And they wouldn't have been doing that. If they weren't so worried about their favorite, and _only_  aunt from their father's side.

 

But for the world, their father published that she died from an aneurysm, while being _hospitalized_. Which only showed Morgana and Arthur just how ashamed their father was about their aunt suffering from a mental illness. And how he would have no problem doing it again if the situation called for it. It was also the story that was given to him and his sister too. Even though they knew the truth. Which only solidified the fact that it wasn't something that could be shared. And the Pendragon name was powerful at that time. Just like it is now. It carried a lot of weight. If Uther Pendragon did not want the world to know that Margaret Pendragon, daughter of Bruther Pendragon, twin sister of Uther Pendragon, of Pendragon Electronics committed suicide, after being institutionalized for Uni-Polar Depression...then the world was never going to know. It was also for that reason, that they could not be seen in a negative light either. Why it took Arthur so long to admit to himself that he needed help. Why it took him so long to admit it to Morgana. Well..after she forced it out of him. Or was it, got him drunk enough to ask critical questions to have him spill it out in conversation? Arthur seems to remember both. It was what took Arthur so long to agree to see a therapist - even at Morgana's behest - and why Morgana took certain routes to help Arthur get better discreetly. Like sending him away to get him where everyone who attends signs a non-disclosure agreement. Along with any staff or help. Where even though Arthur was there for treatment, will appear as if he never was. Unless someone really did some digging. And their name would have to be bigger than 'Pendragon' to get anything. And they would have to suspect there was something to dig for in the first place. Which was unlikely. The importance here. They watched their steps. Because somewhere in everything that happened was a silent message. A silent message that meant...if they had any mental health problems...they needed to keep those problems to themselves before the world - or their father - got involved to find out about it. Especially since their father was so easily able to erase anything about their aunts real condition from the world. Which only reminded Arthur of where that would leave him if his father did find out once more.

 

But Arthur does realize that the main reason why any of this is bothering him now is because of his depression. The depression, and the stress that's been building while he's tried to deal with things. Whether it be his impending doom if he doesn't get better, or the pressure he's been receiving from Merlin. The depression is making him feel hopeless in a situation where little hope is present. And it's because of the stress of it all that he lashed it. The resentment he felt towards Merlin was more based on the fact that he wasn't supporting him and he needs support just like he gives to Merlin. He would have stayed away from the daily visits, but that was something he did for Merlin's sake. And when Merlin's had company, he has chosen to stay away based on Nimueh's orders, and Morgana's guiding if he was too weak at the moment himself to choose for himself. The time was dedicated to support Merlin to allow him that time to talk and to have the support that he needed for his recovery. That was _not_ for Arthur's recovery, nor was it done for him. He has been trying. But the guilt, and the feeling that Merlin sends up makes him feel like he _should_ be doing more, like he shouldn't focus on dating or meeting new people. When in fact, he should be because those _are_ his doctor's orders. Arthur sighed to himself. He doesn't know how to resolve one problem with causing another. And he lashed out because he felt like he was about to be pushed too far, again.

 

And now, because he's afraid of being pushed too far, he doesn't want to walk back to the lake-house to face Merlin. Because...he doesn't quite know what to say that hasn't _been_ said. And he doesn't know if Merlin's going to push him like he has been. And he doesn't know if anything could make anything about their situation right.

 

**

 

Merlin found Arthur at the edge of the dock on the lake. He was sitting with his legs over the edge, arms folded at his chest, legs dangling over, and clearly brooding while looking into the dark waters.

 

Merlin's had a lot of time to think about what he was going to say, and was still having problems formulating those thoughts into words. It wasn't like everything that Arthur said was _wrong_. If Merlin were to be honest with himself he would have to admit that Arthur called some things spot on. The support for one. He hasn't shown any support throughout any of this when it came down to what Arthur needed to do for his recovery. And he knows his fears has a lot to do with that. Partly due to the fact that he himself doesn't _see_ where Arthur has a somewhat obvious problem, that everyone but him apparently sees. And partly due to the fact that he doesn't _want_ to see it, if it means that Arthur will have to date other people – like Mordred – or meet other people, along with distancing himself away from him in order to accomplish it. Because the result of it still leaves him to believe that Arthur will not choose _him_ in the end. And yes, that is selfish, but he's _not_ as strong as Arthur is. He will not able to watch and wait with all hope that Arthur won't - happen to - fall in love with someone else, as Arthur managed to do for him. He isn't _built_ that way. And maybe that makes him selfish, maybe that makes him possessive, but Merlin doesn't know any other way right now because he knows that Arthur is _his_. Whether Arthur wants to admit that or not. Whether he _sees_  it or not. Arthur's been _his_ for thirteen years. Whether it's been romantically _or_ not. Arthur's always been _his_. And to see the sharp divide now - to feel it - _hurts_ beyond any imaginable hurt that he's ever felt. Because he can see, the results of it all ahead of time. And that's the problem. It's _all_ that he can see unless he forces himself to see something else, which still brings him back to the same point. Losing Arthur. And to lose him Arthur. Without being able to really _fight_ for him, without being able to have a say....

 

Merlin, was at a complete loss, and he didn't know what he would do if that _actually_  happened. He's not even prepared for that decision even if he sees it on the horizon.

 

But this isn't about him. And this isn't what Arthur's calling him out on. And that's the part that Merlin needs to face. Now that he has to mentally force himself to confront it, he knows and understands exactly what Arthur is talking about and that is the fact that he hasn't done one thing to show him that he will help him through this. He hasn't done one thing to show Arthur that he will support him through this aside from the obvious and that's because of his weight loss. Because he's been forced to confront that already. Because he's been forced to see it, even when he was somehow fighting it. But other than that, he hasn't taken the time to really check on Arthur's progress. To take any initiative there. To show the care that Arthur's mentioning, even though Arthur's wrong in saying that he _doesn't_ care. And he hasn't taken the time to really _talk_ to Arthur about what's going on in his life. Nor has he taken the time to see what can be done to make it better. With the now exception of Arthur's weight loss.

 

And Arthur wasn't trying to speak with him about Mordred. He himself wanted to know about Mordred. To know just how close the two had become, and to learn more of Mordred himself. It wasn't something Arthur was _trying_ to do. He wasn't trying to rub his face in it. Even if it felt like his heart was being trampled on every time he watched the two together. And Arthur wasn't necessarily asking him to support his and Mordred's relationship per se, he was asking him to accept that it was part of his recovery. And to not make him feel like he had to choose between his own recovery and him because the pressure from that decision was not helping his recovery at all. Which. Merlin had to admit, he was guilty of doing. Even if it was from desperation from not wanting to lose Arthur. His desperation doesn't make his actions right. Not if his actions are hurting Arthur in the process. And whether he wants to understand that part or not, whether he likes it or not. It is what it is. And the problem still remains, he hasn't _shown_ his support.

 

Arthur's been showing support for him all of their lives together. From the very first day that they met, in every part of his life, throughout school, throughout uni, and into their professional lives. There is - _no one_ \- who's ever been as supportive of him as Arthur has been. Will's the only one who's come close, but Will is like a brother to him. Arthur...always...something more. Him and his mum are close but there was always a barrier somehow. Merlin didn't realize, but it was because some of his feelings were blocked there too when he blocked off his abuse from his father. That feeling of abandonment, the feeling of broken trust, were hard ones to shake unless he did that. And he and his uncle are close, but the total support...he always felt with Arthur.

 

And Arthur's never left him to his own devices when he felt like Merlin needed him. He never accepted that Merlin was okay unless he saw it himself. And if he didn't believe Merlin, he would call him on that too. He never made him to feel like he was alone. Ever. And that was during their thirteen year span and not, a seven year span. But now. Apparently. He hasn't returned the favor, not if Arthur's outburst had anything to show for it. And that brings Merlin right back where he started... _without_ knowing what to say.

 

His walked quietly, but he could detect the exact moment that Arthur felt his presence as he watched Arthur's back and neck go rigid. Which was followed by a loud, long, strained sigh. Merlin could only imagine Arthur rolling his eyes too.

 

Arthur glanced back, expression stubborn. “I thought I asked you not to follow me.”

 

Merlin shrugged, unperturbed, “I didn't listen,” he said, as he walked to the edge of the dock to sit beside Arthur.

 

Arthur shook his head in disbelief. “I can _see_ that, Merlin--”

 

“Arthur, wait.” Merlin gestured with his hands, placating. “I have some things to say, and I need for you hear me out please.” He begged. “I wanted to apologize--”

 

Arthur huffed. “What difference does it make for you to apologize if you turn around and do the same thing all over again?”

 

Merlin winced, and swallowed hard. “I deserved that.” He said morosely, eyes already starting to water again.

 

Arthur sighed deeply, before unfolding his arms from his chest and running his left hand through his hair. Angry at _himself_ for not being able to communicate his own feelings to Merlin _without_ , having to hurt him in the process. Arthur's got years of feelings for Merlin that's been uncharted, so much love there, so much hurt. He was hoarse when he spoke. “No, you didn't deserve that. And that's sorta the point isn't it.” Arthur used his right hand to rub the back of his neck tiredly. “You don't _deserve_ what I have to do to get better and yet, I have to do it anyway--”

 

And that was the quirk wasn't it.

 

Merlin sighed, defeated, and yet in understanding, as he turned to Arthur. “And yet, I haven't been very supportive in seeing your needs either have I?”

 

Arthur didn't respond. Because what could he say to that? Fortunately for him Merlin was going to answer his own question.

 

“I haven't been supportive in seeing your needs because I've been too afraid that I'm going to end up losing you.” Merlin turned back to look at the dark waters. He set his jaw. His tone intense when he continued. “But please don't tell me that I don't care for you Arthur, because that couldn't be further from the truth.”

 

Arthur didn't respond. It hurt. It doesn't feel like Merlin cares about him. Not if he doesn't care about his health.

 

Merlin sighed. “Well you please talk to me.”

 

Arthur's head whipped around to face Merlin. His eyes were crystal clear, pain radiating from him. “What do you want me to say, Merlin?!” Arthur shrieked. Tears betraying him as they fell down his face. “Do you want to hear that I miss my best friend? Do you want to hear that I feel like I'm going through hell in my life and I wanted my best friend to at least _see_ that I needed him to be there for me? Do you want to hear that I'm in love with you, and it _hurts_ so much that I have to do the things that I have to do to _separate_ myself from you. Do you want to hear how I feel like you continue to make me feel like shit at every turn, for doing what I _have to do_ , which only makes me feel like I want to just say screw it all, forgetting about my own health in the process?! Do you want to hear how fucked up I am?!”

 

“Yes!” Merlin cried out.

 

Arthur shook his head. “No Merlin, no you don't want to hear about it because everytime that I've _tried_ to tell you before you've pushed me away because I was saying something that you didn't _want_ to hear. Or you would steer the conversation topic to something you wanted to addresss. Hell! You were willing to move _continents_ to avoid it, pretending you were doing it for me?!”

 

Merlin grimaced in pain. His eyes were watering, “I may not _want_ to hear it, Arthur, but I _need_ to hear it. Even if I don't want to. That's my problem Arthur. I avoid things that pains me too much to confront, which causes me to miss _things_. So until I am completely better you will have to force me to hear it, even if it hurts. So yes, I _need_ to hear it.”

 

Arthur used his left hand to wipe his face and sighed. “I don't...want...to hurt you, Merlin.”

 

“Then don't--if you can avoid it, but don't _not_ tell me the truth either. Don't bottle everything up until it explodes because you're think your _trying_ to protect me. Don't get so angry with me until you can't hold it in any longer only to dump it all on me in the end. I need you to be able to open up to me too. Just like you want me to open up to you. I understand more than you think, you know. Even if I might not want to confront it.” Merlin said softly. Honestly.

 

Arthur turned to look at Merlin directly. “What do you mean?”

 

Merlin used both hands to run through his hair before trying to wipe his tears. He sighed heavily. His tone resigned. “Dr. Monmouth explained to me - in big bold letters - before why I was having problems with not seeing that you need to distance yourself from me in our sessions, and why I couldn't understand the need for you dating or meeting new people. It was something I was supposed to be working on understanding on my own. But I couldn't think about it because it...it hurt too much. Every time I tried, the options always led back to us being apart from each other. It always led to you not wanting to be with me in the end.” Merlin winced. “And I...I... just couldn't _handle_ it. So I buried it. And my anger at my not being able to do a thing about what was happening between us - about you dating other people, the moving out, the meeting new people. And everything else that I couldn't control - fueled it. But I see it clearly now. Even...even if I don't want to.” Merlin whispered the last sentence to himself.

 

Arthur heard it anyway.

 

“You've been talking to your _therapist_ about me?” Arthur asked, surprised, in disbelief. And Arthur didn't understand. He was under the impression that Merlin was talking to his psychotherapist about the traumas from his past. The abuse, the bullying. His mum. Why would he be talking to his therapist about him?

 

Merlin nodded tiredly.

 

“But why?” Arthur croaked out.

 

Merlin's expression turned tender, pained, and fond all at once. He spoke softly, while raising his left hand to run down Arthur's cheek. Like there was a hidden message that shouldn't need to be voiced. Like Arthur was the oblivious one between them all of a sudden. “Because, my dear Arthur, _you_ , are my greatest fear.”

 

“What?!” Arthur's eyes turned into saucers, they widened so fast. “I've never done -” Automatically thinking he'd done something to hurt Merlin. Already thinking about what he needed to do to _fix it_.

 

Merlin raised a hand to stop him, Arthur was already gaping like a fish in horror. Mouth opening and closing. Merlin could see the wheels turning in Arthur's mind trying to think about what he could have possibly done. But Merlin, wasn't finished.

 

“We've been talking about a lot of things in our sessions, Arthur. Dr. Monmouth and I. The key is for me to be able to process things again on my own. To not shut myself down mentally, to not block the things that's hurt me, to confront it, to accept it. To _live_ with it. Whether it hurts or not. And in our discussion I had to admit what my greatest fear was now. Since I have to conquer my fears. And I had to explain why. And losing you, Arthur, _is_ my greatest fear.”

 

Arthur sucked in a breath. Merlin ran his thumb along Arthur's jaw. Watching his expression. Making sure that Arthur calmed down before he continued. Arthur was starting to breath a lot faster than before he spoke those words. And he needed to _calm_ down.

 

“That wasn't meant to scare you off by the way.” Merlin managed a small smile for Arthur. “Or to make you feel bad. It's part of my sessions. Dr. Monmouth has been working with me to deal with either outcome between us, but the fact remains that that part, the _losing you_ part, _scares_ the hell out of me. And that's what your recovery process is designed to do, in it's own way. To take you away from me.” Merlin raised his hand again to stop Arthur from speaking, as he parted his lips and started to shake his head in denial. Merlin's eyes watered more. “I _know_ it's meant to give you a choice. You've said that Arthur, repeatedly, but why would you want _me_ when there are so many other people that would be better for you?”

 

And Arthur's heart broke to hear that Merlin would even think that way. But he couldn't speak fast enough before Merlin continued.

 

“I've been telling you all along that I cant bear to lose you. That I can't see past it, and that is true. But what you don't know is that because I can't see past it it's been blocking me to see most everything else too where you are concerned. Sort of like how my walls blocked me from seeing your love for me for all of these years. And you've explained to me about your recovery process. I saw the distance immediately when you moved out, and when you had to limit your time with me... And dating, for as long as I have pretty much gives me a good idea of what _dating_ means, along with meeting new people.” Merlin removed his hand from Arthur's face, but he maintained eye contact. He swallowed heavily. “On some level I've been able to see your needs, Arthur. But on a much greater level, my fear was only allowing me to see my own. Unless somehow you managed to throw it in my face enough. Like your weight loss for example. Like your love for me for another. Like your breakdown.”

 

Merlin rubbed his face with both of his hands and ran his right hand through his hair before he looked at Arthur again. “I've only been seeing the obstacles before us, and fearing the coming loss like it's _there_ already. Which is why I've been having a hard time seeing anything else where your concerned. Will tries to throw it in my face all of the time to make me see. But the reminder of the loss only makes me hide it away as quickly as he does it.” Merlin shook his head thinking about Will. “Remember, I do have a fear of acceptance/rejection/and of confrontation. I've been doing a very good job dealing with things. I am getting better. But I haven't done a good job in dealing with you, because I can't see past losing you. And since I haven't been confronting everything where you're concerned...Dr Monmouth says that is why I'm not getting the bigger picture. Your picture.

 

And just like how I didn't see your love for me over the past seven years... I haven't been able to see properly that my actions are truly hurting you, Arthur. At least, not until you _tell_ me. Dr. Monmouth's been working with me, but he can't _force_ me to see something that I'm too afraid to see. Your not one of my nightmares that I needed to face. Your someone I'm afraid to lose. Someone I love.” Merlin shook his head to himself. Hoping he didn't mess anything up. Dr. Monmouth's explanations could be confusing to even him at the best of times. But Arthur needed to hear the truth. “It takes time. And there are plenty of things that I _have_ gotten. Even though some of those things had to be thrown in my face to see.” Merlin chuckled painfully. “Things I've been forced to confront. Like your weight loss, and depression. I've been forced to see those things because it was before me. But I have had the hardest time trying to see that you have dependence and identity issues. And I have had the hardest time seeing past you leaving me one day. And every time I hear about you having to distance yourself more, your dating, and your meeting new people. I can't see past it because I see the end. It blocks me from seeing the rest because it leads to the inevitable outcome that I've been fearing. Which was why I did everything I could possibly do to protect our friendship all along, from day one. Because I never wanted to lose you.”

 

Arthur was about to speak again but Merlin stopped him.

 

“I'm not telling you any of this for you to feel guilty, or for you to feel like you need to worry about me.” Merlin swallowed. “I'll be fine. Telling you this was by no means to alter any decision that you may or may not make, but you need to know where I'm coming from too. You need to know why I'm still missing things. But I don't want you to treat me any different because of it. I need you to call me out on things when it's valid. I need you to speak out on it. It's sometimes the only way I'm going to see it until I get completely better. And I don't want to miss _anything_ where your concerned, Arthur. I don't want you to think that I don't care -”

 

Arthur shook his head, contrite, “I shouldn't have said those things.” Not all of those things, he amended for himself.

 

Merlin raised a knowing brow at Arthur. “You wouldn't have said those things, the _way_ that you said it, unless you meant it. Even though you said it out of anger. You _never_ say anything to me that you don't mean, Arthur. You may tone it down to what may come across as appeasing, but your point normally makes it's mark if that's what your intentions are.”

 

Arthur looked at Merlin in disbelief. “Fat load of good that did for me with my signs.”

 

Merlin grimaced at the reminder of him missing so much, but he'd had some time to think about that with all of the other things he's supposed to process daily. “You weren't making a _point_ then, Arthur. You were giving me signs. Innuendos. Hints. Clues, puzzle pieces, hoping for me to piece everything together. Your were expecting me to be psychic. Though they were very good clues mind. If I didn't have any problems. And if I hadn't placed you in a category of 'safe' years ago as my titled as the most valuable treasure to me, the most precious thing...I would have shagged you or something like that a long time ago. If you were someone else. I _would_ have.” Merlin spoke in a matter-of-fact tone.“But I _blocked_ your signs inadvertently when I blocked my feelings for you a long time ago. Because I didn't _want_ to react the wrong way towards you. I didn't want to do _anything_ that would have caused me to lose our friendship. To lose you. You meant..you mean... _everything_ to me, Arthur. And when I'm not afraid that I'll lose you, I'll explain what I mean by that. So yes, I _missed_ the signs, because I closed myself from from receiving it. The important point here though. You gave me _signs_ , Arthur, which I didn't get. But you didn't _tell me_ that you were in love with me. I would have gotten that. Which brings about another point. You didn't _tell_ me what you were feeling again. You gave me _signs_. You have to _tell_ me that I've been hurting you.”

 

And Arthur didn't realize he was doing that until that very moment. That he was holding everything back and expecting Merlin to figure it out. Not that it was done intentionally. He was trying not to hurt Merlin. He was trying to protect him. While Arthur himself was falling apart inside. But of course he wouldn't admit anything like that yet.

 

“It's nice to know that _now_.” Arthur grumbled instead.

 

Merlin mumbled something like 'prat' under his breath, while shaking his head, before he continued. “But there's something that you don't seem to understand, Arthur.”

 

There was _always_ something that he didn't seem to understand where Merlin was concerned. Arthur sighed heavily.

 

“And what's that.”

 

Merlin looked at Arthur fondly. “You would have had me back then, but you wouldn't have been _happy_ with me.” Merlin raised a hand to stop Arthur from speaking, catching him opening his mouth to interject. This was something else that Merlin's taken a lot of time to ponder. He took a deep breath. “You wouldn't have been happy with me because I had been turning off my emotions since the time I started being abused. You wouldn't have been happy with me because I blocked off painful feelings to avoid not having to feel those feelings again. And love, can be a very painful feeling.”

 

By Arthur's resigned expression, Merlin was inclined to believe that Arthur agreed. Merlin was beginning to believe that love could be the most painful emotion of them all. Because there was no such thing as _control_ where love was concerned. Nowhere to hide. Nowhere to be safe.

 

“I was _blocking_ those feelings Arthur. I was _avoiding_ it. I continued to do so. And I wanted you from the first day that I laid eyes on you. I had to start blocking those feelings for you too. So yes, you would have had me, we may have even had a short-term relationship, but you wouldn't have had _all_ of me. Not like that. Not like you would have wanted. I wouldn't have been able to love you back the way that you _deserved_ to be loved. Not. Not until now.” Merlin's expression turned intense, serious. “And because I'm feeling all of these emotions. Because, I'm _feeling_ all of this love - _for you_ \- that is why I'm having such a hard time seeing you with someone else.” Because Arthur needed to know this. And though Arthur was about to not address it, to apologize for his words, it had to be said. It was a big part of what Arthur said back at the lake-house. So it must have meant a lot to him by bringing a voice to it. “I'm having a hard time _seeing you_ with someone else.” He repeated. “Especially, someone else that _is_ capable of loving you in a way that I have failed to. Especially someone else that you _happen_ to _like_ already. Someone who's slotted himself as friend in your life. Someone who has no limitations on how many times they can see you. While on my side of the fence, I have to _wait_ until we're both fully recovered to know for sure that we can have a life together, a _real_ life together. And I have to _wait_ with the understanding that you may not choose me at all. That you may decide choose someone else--”

 

“Merlin -”

 

But this time...Merlin was on a roll.

 

“And I know that I'm sounding like I'm only considering me at the moment, but I can _assure_ you that that couldn't be further from the truth." Merlin paused, before taking a deep breath, and continuing. "I _love_ you, Arthur. More than my own life. And that means that I do care for you. Every part of you.” Merlin looked into Arthur's eyes, pleading for him to understand. “And I'm sorry that I haven't shown that to you in the way that I should have. I'm sorry that I haven't expressed it, or told you that I do enough. And more than that, I'm sorry that I haven't supported you like I should have because it's my want for you to get better too.”

 

Arthur sucked in a breath trying to control all of the feelings that was drowning him at the moment. When he spoke, he was hoarse. “And the dating?”

 

Merlin grimaced. Because he knew that question was going to come up by him opening up the subject, and there's still _no way_ Merlin was going to be able to handle that. He only prayed Arthur would understand. “Just...don't...ask me to watch it. Don't force me to go anywhere you know that you're going to be bringing someone else. You made me feel guilty about the Christmas Party and yet _you_ brought a date.” Merlin accused.

 

Arthur had the good grace to look guilty, but felt like he needed to defend himself anyway. “I didn't _know_ I was going to be bringing Mordred originally. It was a suggestion, only made to me that morning.”

 

“Morgana?” Merlin really didn't need that question answered. It wouldn't surprise him if Morgana made the same _suggestion_ of Arthur inviting Mordred to Autumn's play. He couldn't help feeling angry at her just for that alone. Even though he knew the purpose behind it.

 

Arthur nodded. Not surprised that Merlin would guess. “Yeah. She thought if I went with you it would just show my dependency of you. That I needed to do things...differently.”

 

And Merlin knew it was best not to reply on what he thought about that. He swallowed. His expression was like he swallowed a very, _very_ sour lemon. “Well. In the future. Until we _know_ where this is headed.” Merlin gestured a hand between them. “Don't ask me to go _anywhere_ where you know that you're planning on bringing a date. For my own sanity. And I guess for yours too. But know this, Arthur. I am on your side. And I will show my support on wanting you to recover.” Merlin replied, as honestly as he could, in such a difficult situation.

 

“Just not on _everything_ that I have to do to recover.” Arthur commented. Catching the innuendo in Merlin's words.

 

And Arthur only had a moment to catch his breath before catching on to what was about to come next.

 

Merlin's movement was quick as Arthur grunted, when Merlin pushed Arthur down on the dock floor, straddling his hips.

 

“Merl -”

 

Was as far as Arthur got before Merlin gave him three soft kisses, before he kissed him with the full force everything that he was feeling, with all of his love. It took ten seconds more, before Arthur gave into the kiss. And twenty more seconds later, was all it took before Arthur responded fully to the kiss, kissing Merlin back with an intensity that made Merlin see stars. Right hand tight around Merlin's waist, grinding into him, left hand running up his back. Both men kissing hungrily, moaning, with a want that only intensified each time they placed themselves in this predicament. It took Merlin seven minutes more to gain some of his composure back, reminding himself that he was _trying_  to make a point in all of this. And if they kept at it, on the dock of the lake no less, away from everyone...

 

It took everything that Merlin had to pull away, because he _wanted_...

 

Arthur attempted to follow until Merlin placed both of his hands on his chest and held him down. Merlin, like Arthur, having difficulty getting back some much needed oxygen. Merlin, still trying to get his heart rate back to normal, his chest was heaving, breathing abnormal, as he spoke. “And that...is why...I can't _watch_ you with anyone else. I told you this...the first night that we talked...when you got back from the resort. Even though...I _tried_...to accept everything and supremely failed. But on this one thing...” Merlin shook his head, eyes watering, still straddling Arthur's hips, hands on Arthur's chest, blue meeting blue. “Like that same night, like every time we come in close vicinity of one another...your body reacts to mine, Arthur. It reacts to _me_. You react to me.” Merlin's eyes darkened when he placed a possessive right hand over Arthur's heart. It was beating double time. Arthur's chest was still heaving, as Merlin sucked in a breath, before speaking hoarsely. “You are _mine_ , Arthur. I _know_ that your mine. If I needed a confirmation, I simply need to remind myself of last night. And I _know_ that you love me. Just like _I_ love you.” And Merlin couldn't help the tears from falling now because he was getting to the hard part of their conversation.

 

Arthur removed his right hand from Merlin's waist to wipe Merlin's face from the tears that started to fall. And it was true. Arthur had given his heart to Merlin a long time ago, and never quite asked for it back. The only thing he _hadn't_ given Merlin was his body, but everything _else_...

 

Merlin's chest tightened, and warmed by the gesture. And equally hurt by the pain of it all. “To _ask_ me, to be supportive, to help take care of you, to _be there_ for you, is one thing. But...to ask me...to _watch_...to watch you with _other_  people. To say _nothing_. To be _happy_ that your dating.” Merlin shook his head painfully while watching Arthur.

 

Arthur sucked in a breath. Merlin looked like it was breaking his heart just talking about, and that only broke Arthur's heart to _hear_ it. It made him feel extremely guilty because he felt responsible for the pain that Merlin was feeling.

 

Merlin's bottom lip of trembling as he continued. “To watch you holding hands with them. To watch you dancing with them. To watch you getting closer with them. To watch them meeting the lot, your _father_...is nothing short of torture for me. And it has _nothing_...to do with me not _loving_ you enough. It has nothing to do with me not being supportive enough. It has nothing to do with me not supporting your need to recover. Or not _caring_ for you. It does have _everything_ to do with how much _I love you_ and how much I don't want to _lose you_.” Merlin's pitch went high my by the end of his sentence.

 

Arthur could literally feel Merlin's body shaking against his own. His words were coming from a place deep inside of him, a place he probably didn't speak from very often. What it meant for him to say it? Arthur swallowed hard. Trying to listen and placing himself in Merlin's shoes, while remembering what it felt like for him to watch Merlin's many, many dates and lovers over the years. While remembering what it felt like for him to see Merlin constantly around Robert. To hear that proposal! Arthur grimaced, his chest felt tight by the memories alone. It wasn't exactly the same thing. Arthur spent years having to watch Merlin with other people. And Merlin is jealous over one. For his own recovery. But Arthur could still see Merlin's point, that he was trying to make here. Even though Merlin, couldn't fully see Arthur's.

 

“I _know_ that Mordred likes you, Arthur. I can _see_ it in the way that he _looks_ at you. In the way that he _touches_ you.” Merlin grimaced. Not even wanting to think about that. How _wrong_ were their friends about that! “And I can _see_ that you like him too. Just...not...on the same level as he likes you. But it doesn't mean that that level _won't_ change. Because Mordred gives me the impression that a level change is _definitely,_ part of his intentions. It has _nothing_ to do with him, and yet it has _everything_ to do with him because he has made himself to become your friend, and that means he now has an open door. He _could_ be more. He has an open door and an open _window_ of opportunity that's been presented to him. And I'm quite certain that he's aware that you have a decision to make when you get better.” Arthur's guilty expression gave Merlin all the answers that he needed to know.

 

Merlin's chest burned, pained, as he continued. “That means he's on a timetable. And he _knows_ it. He has an open door to see you. He has an open door to _date_ you, _and_ to be your friend. The open window, Arthur. Is his timetable. He has for however long it takes for you to recover to _woo_ you. To bring you both to the same level. Which means he will _try,” And hopefully fail, Merlin added to himself in hope._ “To _seduce_ you at one point coming really soon.” Merlin used his left hand to put Arthur's hair back in place. Reveling in how soft Arthur's hair was, and watching Arthur eye's close from the feeling of it. He spoke softly, but firm in what he knew from experience, and what he picked up from Mordred's character, as he continued. “Which _means_ he will say, _whatever_ it he has to _say_. He will _do_ , _whatever_ it is he will have to _do_. And he will _be_ , _whatever_ it is he _has to be_ to get what he wants from you. And by my estimations...” Merlin couldn't help but speak a little bitterly for what he was about to say next. He felt like he was in a war. Where he was standing on the front line. In the middle of the bombs, missiles, and guns— _defenseless_. Unable to fight for what he wanted. And he _wanted_. “What he _wants_ from you is nothing short of you yourself, Arthur. And everything that entails.” Merlin swallowed hard. “And if that...makes me a bad person, for not wanting to stand around and _watch--_ ” Merlin's voice cracked on the last word.

 

He shook his head as his eyes gazed into Arthur's, blue meeting blue, defeated. “I'll be there for everything else Arthur. _Everything else_. I'll support you. I will care for you in anyway that you need me to. But _please, please,_ don't _ask_ me to stand by and _watch_ you dating someone else. Please don't ask me to be _happy_ to hear about you having a successful connection, when I _know_ that means that I might lose you. Please don't _ask_ me not to be jealous, when I see someone else trying to take you away from me. And please don't ask me not to feel hurt about it. Because I know my own limits and I just...can't. Please don't _ask_ me to do that.” Merlin pleaded, as more tears fell from his eyes.

 

“Merlin -” Arthur called out, brokenly.

 

“Shush,” Merlin said as he leaned down to give Arthur a kiss on his forehead. “I don't _want_ you to feel guilty about _any_ of this. You need to do what you have to do to get better. Just like you ask me to do. And I'm not trying to stop you. I'm really not. I just can't...standby and _watch_ is all. Just, not this. I'm not as strong as you Arthur. I'm not _built_ to handle that. And I _tried_ for you but I... _can't_.” Merlin shook his head, angry at himself because his tears wouldn't stop falling. He didn't want Arthur to feel like he had to worry about him this time. Not in this.

 

Arthur felt overwhelmed in that moment. Hurting Merlin – in any way – was the last thing that he'd ever wanted to do. He pulled Merlin down to him in an embrace. “I'm sorry.” He whispered in Merlin's ear sending chills down Merlin's spine.

 

Merlin pulled himself up, just enough to look Arthur in the eyes. “You have nothing to apologize to me for.” He said in all seriousness.

 

Arthur shook his head, eyes watering, tone hoarse. “Yes, yes I do, for putting you in that position.”

 

Merlin shook his head to disagree. “You didn't _put_ me in this position, Arthur. Circumstances placed us _both_ in this position. We're just...” Merlin sucked in a breath. “We're just going to have to deal with it, as best as we can, to lessen the pain, the hurt, as much as possible as we're trying to get through this. But I'm here for you, Arthur. I promise. I just can't...watch it all is all.” He said, resigned to the fact that this was going to be rough on them both. Resigned to the fact that Arthur would have to date. Regardless. And that they may not be together when it's all said and done.

 

And they stayed like that, in each other's arms for a while. Until the cool night air caught up with them, and Merlin started to shiver.

 

“And I'm sorry,” Merlin's expression turned sheepish, as he grinded his own hard cock, into Arthur's that he felt, “I was only trying to make a point.” He didn't want to make this any more difficult for Arthur either. And Merlin, didn't need any more reminders of what he might not be able to have.

 

No explanation was necessary for what Merlin meant by that. None at all.

 

Arthur sucked in a breath to hold back a moan. Merlin had the capability to do _things_ to Arthur. To break him down. To make him _want_. And Arthur understood that. And somehow. Merlin understood that too. But that _want_. It was another reason why he needed additional space while thinking about it all. Especially with Merlin's new found emotions. And the _want_ that he felt around Merlin, the _things_ Merlin was capable of. There are feelings there...that he's never quite felt with anyone else. Not even close. And those _feelings,_ were always frightening to Arthur, because it brought about desires and pains that Arthur never thought could be _possible_ to feel. It was because of _Merlin -_ and those _feelings -_ that made Arthur to explore his 'sexuality' to begin with. Though he never _told_ Merlin that. He was hoarse as he responded. “Point _taken_ , message _delivered_ , clearly _received_.” He swallowed.

 

It was obvious that Merlin had no problem communicating when he _needed_ to make a point.

 

Merlin chuckled softly as he looked in Arthur's eyes, dotingly, before laying his head on Arthur's shoulder. They were a perfect fit in their position.

 

As Arthur kissed the top of Merlin's head, while running a hand through his hair. “Let's get you back inside before you catch your death. I know how cold you get when you're out too late in the night air.”

 

Merlin lifted up just enough to give Arthur a chaste kiss, that Arthur returned easily. “You're like a furnace, Arthur, I wouldn't catch my death.” Though Merlin's actions betrayed those words, because as he started talking he was already in the process of lifting himself up, while giving Arthur a helping hand to bring him to his feet too. He took in a deep breath as he looked at Arthur, quizzically. “Are we okay?” Merlin couldn't help but ask.

 

Arthur smiled softly at Merlin. Before he nodded and replied. “We're _more_ than okay.”

 

Merlin nodded.

 

Arthur grabbed Merlin's arm, it startled Merlin by the quickness of the movement. Arthur's expression turned intense. His tone, firm, and slightly reprimanding. “There's one more thing. I don't _ever_ want to _hear_ you say that your not good enough for me again. Don't even _think_ it. Because _that_ , is not our problem here.” Arthur pulled Merlin closer blue meeting blue head on. “I don't _ever_ want you to feel like you are _less_ to me. Like I see you differently because of your past. Or indifferently for that matter. It's who you _are_ , Merlin. It's what made you into the person that you are today. And I fell in love with you, despite it all. Don't _ever_ doubt yourself, and don't ever think that I would make a decision like that simply based on what's happened to you.” Arthur placed both of his hands on Merlin's shoulders. “Give _me_  some more credit than that, Merlin.”

 

Merlin sucked in a breath. And another. And another. Overwhelmed. His eyes started to water again. He felt a chill run down his spine just by the intensity level of Arthur's gaze. Their eyes were locked, and Merlin couldn't look away, even _if_ he wanted to. And he _didn't--want_  to. Because that's quite possibly the sweetest thing that anyone has _ever_ said to him. And all he wanted to do was hug Arthur, to tell him that. So he did. It took Merlin a few seconds more to realize that Arthur was waiting for a response from what he said. That Arthur wanted him to say that he wouldn't feel that way. That he wouldn't put voice to his fear that he wasn't good enough anymore, even while Arthur allowed the embrace. Merlin only managed to croak out. “Yeah, I won't.” He didn't know if he wouldn't slip up again. It's something that he felt. But it meant the world to him all the same. To hear Arthur say that. It was something to strive for.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A penny for your thoughts.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to start off by thanking you all for sending in such wonderful reviews. I love reading your different thoughts and perspectives on this story! And your words continue to encourage me to post as quickly as possible, while it inspires me to do better. Thank you for sharing your thoughts! If I haven't responded to your review yet, I will be doing so shortly.
> 
> This is another lengthy chapter, which is why I couldn't post as fast. There is also a warning in this chapter for minor triggers. Nothing major, but Merlin is going to share some things about his past with Arthur. I thought the warning might be necessary. 
> 
> This chapter is also unbeta'd. If you see anything please feel free to point it out, and I will make the necessary corrections. I've been reviewing this chapter several times, but it doesn't mean I haven't missed anything. I think that's it. And with that being said, I hope you enjoy the chapter!

 

“Yes, I've been eating Morgana.” Arthur responded dryly. Tiredly. Resigning himself to hearing that question every single day until he gained enough weight. And preparing himself to answer the next question that would soon follow. Like that didn't add to his stress.

 

Not completely buying it. “Have you gained anymore weight?” Morgana asked, concerned. Cutting to the chase.

 

Bingo!

 

Arthur sighed. Because answering that question was going to bring about a fall out. “I lost two--”

 

“Arthur!” Morgana shrieked, “what the hell happened in a day?! You know how important it is for you to eat. You know what's at stake? You've been gaining weight steadily again, and now...” She ran out of steam, more worried than angry. “What happened?” Because this is why she was againt his and Merlin's trip in the first place.

 

Arthur sucked in a breath. “Nothing...happened.” Arthur responded somewhat timidly. He walked outside and stood by the dock of the lake. Smelling the air of morning. It wasn't a conversation he wanted Merlin to overhear. Merlin didn't need to know about his constant struggles. He had enough problems of his own. He didn't need to know all about Arthur's too.

 

Morgana sighed. “Arthur...did you and Merlin have a fight? Are you worried about father? Are you _still_ feeling guilty about your relationship with Mordred--” Trying to think of all the reasons.

 

“I do _not_ have a relationship with Mordred--” Arthur replied stubbornly.

 

“You know what I mean, Arthur.” Morgana chided. Two dates under his belt. One official. One sort of official. A date planned. Conversating on the telephone. Knowing each other's history. Meeting their father! No, it doesn't sound like a relationship to her, she thought to herself. _Sarcastically_. Before rolling her eyes and thinking her brother an idiot. Because. Really? Even _Arthur_ had to understand the significance of that.

 

And apparently, Arthur did.

 

Arthur took a deep breath. “Yes, we had a fight. Yes, I am still worried. And... _yes_.” He added the last part – however - reluctantly. Because he _did_ feel guilty. Merlin may have told him not to, but Merlin's other words betrayed the words that preceded it. And whether he and Merlin were in a relationship or not. Whether it was because he had to follow his doctor's orders or not. The guilt was there. Which probably had more to do with how long he's been in love with Merlin in the first place than anything else. There was bound to be a certain level of devotion there. Something that couldn't be retracted. Couldn't be erased. Even if he wanted it to.

 

It didn't mean that Arthur failed to understand Merlin's position. Mordred, was a nice guy. An all around nice guy. Mordred was someone he could grow to like on a deeper level. If Arthur allowed it. If Arthur's love for Merlin wasn't present. It didn't necessarily mean that any feelings for Mordred couldn't grow to more though. Nor did it mean that time wouldn't be able to heal his past woes. It was all a distinct possibility. As Merlin so kindly pointed out. Before making him feel like he was already owned, claimed, and taken. On all levels. But it wasn't about his health. Merlin's actions were based solely upon the fact that he was jealous, because Arthur had chosen someone who was actually his type. And not some random bloke. He was upset, because Arthur chose someone he could actually grow to like more. Someone who actually liked Arthur back. And not just to use him, but properly. The point. Merlin, felt threatened.

 

Morgana, unaware of Arthur's musings asked. “What did you and Merlin fight about?” Hating to discuss _anything_ over the phone. Seeing Arthur's expressions would answer her questions far better than any words over the phone could. Arthur could hide behind the phone. That's how the signs of his illness was missed early on. Which was probably why Arthur called. Instead of using Skype like they agreed to in the first place! And that could only mean that it was worse than she thought. Morgana berated herself inwardly. It would be her fault if anything were to happen to him. They promised each other! She shouldn't have agreed to the trip. Even with Arthur's empty promises in saying that everything would be fine!

 

“It's...nothing, Morgana.” Arthur didn't even know why he bothered to put anything off. It wasn't like Morgana wouldn't get the truth out of him anyway. They _rarely_ kept secrets from each other. It was sort of their unspoken rule between them. In the middle of their already there pact. Something kept from their youth. If they kept their distance. If they didn't know what was going on in each other's lives. If they didn't support each other. They may not be able to know when it was necessary to help in situations like they were dealing with now.

 

Arthur could practically hear Morgana pacing. He could only assume she was pacing her living room floor.

 

Morgana was indeed pacing her living room floor. Pressing the bridge of her nose with her left thumb and forefinger, hair swinging all over the place on each turn, from one end of her living to the other. Wearing her blue jeans, green sweatshirt, and white socks with no sneakers or shoes. “Arthur. We can do this the easy way or the hard way.” She paused. Because she _knew,_ that wouldn't be the way to get _anything_ out of Arthur. He could be tight lipped if he wanted to be. And they didn't have _time_  for that. And not only that, but the hard way tended to be harder for _her_ , instead of for Arthur. Because Arthur may give in, but it wouldn't help matters much if he lost more weight in the process of doing so. “Sorry.” She winced. Before talking softly. “I know that your discussions with Merlin tend to stress you out. I also know that you have problems with eating afterward. But you were getting so much better, Arthur. You were picking up the weight. And we can't afford for you to lose it again. This isn't something you don't already know.”

 

Arthur didn't know if he _could_ agree with her about him getting better. He didn't exactly _feel_ like he was. Nor did he _see_ improvement either. He still couldn't see past Merlin. And every time he thought he was making some progress, Merlin would do or say something that brought him right back to where he started. It made it impossible to think of himself first. But apparently he and Morgana weren't seeing the same things. Because if Arthur saw progress in anyone - it wouldn't be in him - it would be in Merlin. Arthur couldn't help but feel, like his own life was still upside down. Like he had a complete loss of control. Even though he was trying his best to keep it together. Arthur sighed inwardly. He thought it best to keep those thoughts to himself though. Although, he wouldn't be surprised if Morgana didn't pick up on it. “We fought about Mordred. And about Merlin's attitude, and me not feeling his support.”

 

Morgana slowed down in her pacing. Now that was a surprise. Knowing that Arthur tended to let Merlin get away with _everything_ it was a surprise to see Arthur actually _telling_ Merlin that he was hurting him. To see Arthur actually putting his own needs first for once. It took the breakdown to do it before. But if he could do it now, however difficult it maybe, it means that some progress is being made. It would take a lot to express those feelings to Merlin. She shook her head. She'd think about it later. For now, she had to focus. “What did you fight about in regards to Mordred?”

 

Arthur took a deep breath. “He felt like Mordred could be something _more_ for me. Well...like he had the potential to be anyway.” Arthur shook his head to himself. “He was _jealous_. And in the midst of his jealousy he neglected to think about the importance of why it was necessary for me to date in the first place.” It was true. Arthur understood Merlin's reasons, and his jealousy. The only thing he didn't understand was Merlin constantly _failing_ to see how much he was hurting him. And this was with understanding of Merlin's condition. Because, from what Arthur could read in their discussion. Merlin decided to place his own needs above his. Merlin decided that his needs were somehow more important. And for that reason, he turned himself away from seeing Arthur's point of view. From seeing his pain.

 

In reflection, Arthur didn't know what to think about that. Or how to _feel_ about that. What if it continued? If they did decide to pursue a relationship? Would Merlin always end up using this as an excuse? Every time he hurt him? Would he use his condition as a scapegoat? Whenever he decided that it hurt too much to deal with a problem at hand? Whenever Arthur called him on it? Would Merlin always put himself first? Before Arthur? In his own effort to protect himself first and foremost? Because Merlin continued to make conscious choices of making those decisions. Of doing just that. He made the choice. To hurt him. Which only brought Arthur back to Merlin's words from the night before. Because. On some level. Arthur didn't have to tell Merlin that he was hurting him. Merlin was aware. And he did it anyway.

 

Which made Arthur wonder if Merlin truly understood his feelings on the matter. Despite his comments. Because. You don't _wait,_ for your loved one to tell you that your hurting them before you _stop_ hurting them. Not when you know that hurting them is by your own actions. Especially, when you _know_  exactly what you're doing to them in the process. You _make_ the effort. As best as you can all along. From day one. To do better. _Without_ waiting until the end. Once your loved one has reached their limit. Furthermore, you don't _ignore_ their pain. In hopes that they _never_ voice anything. In hopes that it's never brought to your attention. You don't accept their silence in the matter, as long as they are willing to accept the pain. Just on the grounds that they didn't voice how much it hurts...doesn't make it right.

 

It's not like Arthur's going to sit there with a paper and pen to keep tally. Merlin needs to think about it too. It shouldn't have to wait until Arthur's fed up with the abuse telling Merlin that enough is enough. Why should Arthur always have to put himself out on a limb first? It shouldn't be once Arthur has had enough. Like he did in the beginning to wake Merlin out of his emotional slumber in the first place. It wasn't like Merlin _never_ saw anything. He wasn't entirely oblivious. Not if he was still able to see something was wrong with him. Not if Merlin nagged him for the better of the day yesterday to get him to open up.

 

It wasn't something that required much of his focus right now to think about. However it was something Arthur needed to think about _before_ making any decisions on taking the next step with Merlin. Arthur sighed, before answering his sister. “We argued about him not being supportive of my condition. We argued about him not caring about me. Not showing me that he cares.”

 

And Morgana understood the weight loss now. Though she couldn't quite agree that Merlin didn't care at all about Arthur. It was evident that he did. It was also evident that he had a hard time expressing it. That he wasn't sensitive to Arthur's needs like Arthur's been sensitive to Merlin's. That even though he claimed to love Arthur. It was difficult for Merlin. If caring, if loving, if being sensitve, placed Arthur's needs above his own. If it meant Merlin would be hurt in the process. All the same, she understood Arthur's position. He was starting to feel this way for a while. All the way back to when Merlin originally failed to notice his feelings. And next, his depression. And then, his weight loss. Like now.

 

And no, Arthur didn't feel like Merlin was in support of him getting better. Not like the rest of their friends. Not while Merlin continuosly spoke against the things Arthur needed to do for his recovery. It would have made Arthur feel that way. But he would have stewed on it before, speaking of it. Placing Merlin's needs above his own. Which was why she was surprised that Arthur said anything at all. All the same, she couldn't say that Merlin _didn't_ care. Only that he didn't know how to place Arthur first in his life. And not that Merlin's incapable. Only that he chose not to.

 

That, of course, didn't help their situation. Making Mordred sound like a more appealing prospect everyday if, it meant that Arthur would begin to eat normally again. Assuming that it meant that Arthur _could_ be happy again. If it meant that Arthur didn't always have to be last to be considered in his relationship. That his partner would actually take Arthur's best interest to heart. And not just their own. Even their father must have noticed that, because he seemed to have taken a liking to Mordred too. Happy that Arthur's focus wasn't on Merlin, for the first time in thirteen years.

 

Morgana thought it best to keep those feelings to herself. Seeing as it didn't _completely_ matter. Mordred wasn't the only person Arthur would have to date while recovering. And it wasn't like Arthur would fall out of love with Merlin overnight. It wasn't as though Arthur's recovery called for him to do so either. “And did you both resolve your differences? Does Merlin understand the importance of you _having_ to date Mordred? Does he understand that it's for your health? That your doctor is supporting this, has in fact prescribed it? Did you explain why you didn't feel like Merlin wasn't being supportive? How he made you feel guilty?” _“When he didn't have any right to?”_ Was left unsaid.

 

Arthur sighed. While looking at the murky waters of the lake, and the clear blue sky. Still smelling the scents of the morning. Along with gazing at the rainbow that brightened the sky. “We _resolved_ it, as best as we could. Apparently I've been a subject of Merlin's psychotherapy sessions. They addressed Merlin's fear of losing me. And his inability to see that he's been hurting me.” Which, for lack of better words sounded exactly, like what they discussed in Arthur's mind. “He understands that it's about my health, but he's also having a hard time seeing past the loss if I can't be with him once I recover. He's seeing the end result, and nothing in the now. Like I've already chosen, and it's because of that that he seems so jealous of Mordred. That, and the fact that he thinks Mordred wants to have his wicked way with me.”

 

Morgana wasn't sure if she _could_ disagree with Merlin's assessment of Mordred. She sort of got that impression too by the way Mordred carried himself around Arthur. Responded to him. It seemed...natural. Like he genuinely did care about Arthur. About all of him. Not in part. And the feeling seemed to be a little bit deeper than what you would have expected from two dates. She could only guess that he and Arthur were a lot closer while they were away than she'd originally suspected. Than Arthur originally let on. It was for that reason, that she encouraged their time spent together. Because it wasn't that hard to do. And she knew that Arthur wouldn't have attempted as easily to just 'date' as he was supposed to be doing since Nimueh prescribed it so. Morgana thought to think more on what that meant later. “So, instead of telling you this. Telling you his fears he allowed himself to hurt you instead. Deciding that protecting himself was the better option in the long run.” She summized in a nutshell.

 

“It wasn't...intentional, Morgana.” But the more Arthur thought about it, the more that he replayed Merlin's words in his own mind... The more he wasn't so sure he believed it. There was some level of it where it had been intentional, and Merlin favored it, putting himself first. Protecting himself. In favor of his jealousy. In favor of trying to change their situation. Without thought of him.

 

Morgana wasn't so sure she believed that. They'd already established that a good part of Merlin's actions were intentional. To protect himself first. The only problem in that. Arthur always managed to get himself hurt in the process. Because two people in any relationship can't only be looking out for one of them. It would only result in heartbreak. And Arthur could not afford to be heartbroken now! “Did you feel better after you talked it out?” She would get the details from him later. They needed to focus on him gaining weight for now.

 

Arthur was silent for a few tense moments. “I'm not sure if Nimueh would agree. But I think we resolved a lot of things that were left out there between us. Even if more questions were raised in the process.” Arthur answered honestly. Arthur thought about him being able to speak about the things he kept inside to Merlin. No matter the outburst that sparked it. He thought about how he and Merlin talked about things that hadn't been discussed before. How Merlin was able to put things into words, that he hadn't been able to before. It showed a hell of a lot of improvement for Merlin. Even if it didn't show much for him. But Arthur couldn't think about that right now. The purpose of their trip was to get Merlin better. It wasn't about him. The subject of him only came up because Merlin pushed and pushed until he couldn't hold anything in any longer. The stress of everything became too great to hold in.

 

“What do you mean about Nimueh? Arthur you didn't--”

 

And Arthur knew exactly where his sister's mind was going. In the gutter. Like he would just immediately and without hesitation go to bed with Merlin. “I'm not going to sleep with Merlin, Morgana.” Arthur responded quickly.

 

Morgana raised a brow before remembering Arthur wouldn't be able to see her through the phone. She huffed. “You might not have slept with him but it sounded like you did do _something_.”

 

And Arthur did _not_ want to have this discussion right now! Or _ever._  “We...kissed.”

 

“How much of a kiss? A peck? With tongue?” There were meanings in kisses.

 

Arthur groaned. Loudly. “We stopped before it got too far.” He was _not_ going to go into detail of his kisses shared between he and Merlin. And especially not over the phone!

 

It must have been the kit and kaboodle of kisses, Morgana thought to herself, if Arthur didn't want to go into detail. Instead of pushing... “Did you want more?”

 

Arthur winced. “I don't _know_.” Arthur lied. He _wanted_. He just knew he couldn't have it. That it would be a mistake. And not the right time. For either of them.

 

But Morgana was thinking ahead of him. “Who stopped it?”

 

Arthur closed his eyes. “He did.”

 

Another step ahead. “Who started it?” Morgana was _always_ steps ahead.

 

“He did.” And though Arthur knew Merlin was making a point, Arthur, felt like he was losing more and more ground. Like even though he knew he couldn't have Merlin. That he wouldn't have chosen to move in that direction of whatever was happening between them. He _knew_...that he would have given in to Merlin if Merlin hadn't stopped them. At that moment. If Merlin took that step to move forward. He would have. Without thought to himself. And what does that say about him? Because it only shows more dependency by allowing Merlin to make the choices. It only showed his own _lack of_ self-preservation. While Merlin managed quite well in putting himself first. With no concern of him. Always. How unbalanced would that make them as a couple? Would he truly be happy? He knew Merlin would be but what about him? Or would it come to a point where enough really was truly enough? Like it came to be before his breakdown. When he was leaving. When he couldn't be around Merlin anymore. Could love actually be enough?

 

Morgana sighed. She didn't need to be with Arthur to know what was going on in his head. But she knew he would do the right thing. Even if he didn't think he was strong enough to. The problem with that, was the right thing for Arthur...was still what he thought Merlin wanted first. “What are you going to do?” She asked, softly, concern trying not to reach the surface in her tone.

 

It didn't work.

 

Arthur bit his bottom lip before speaking. “We're going to make it through these two weeks as best as possible. We talked about shortening it if necessary but, if we can make it through we will. And you'll be here by mid-stay. For New Years Eve. It'll all be fine.” Arthur sounded like he was trying to convince himself. “This trip was meant to be for Merlin. Not for me. And he is doing better, Morgana. We'll just talk about some of the other things that he may or may not be dealing with. Or we'll just spend the time together. The purpose was to get him out of his environment. To get him away. So he wouldn't feel like he was alone. And to get him to share the things that he's been keeping bottled up.”

 

“And what about you?” Because it needed to be said.

 

“What about me?” Arthur asked sharply.

 

“What about you?” Morgana muttered to herself, while nodding, growing in agitation. “What about you? What about the fact that you lost more weight Arthur? What about the fact that every time you and Merlin have a fight you don't _eat_? What about the fact that you are supposed to be breaking away from your dependency and yet, your _kissing_ Merlin instead?!” Morgana shrieked by the end of her tirade.

 

Arthur groaned, while running his left hand and fingers through his hair. “It was one fight Morgana. And I will do my best to eat. It wasn't only Merlin, it was everything. The stress of _everything_ , and father.” Arthur paused. “It was everything. And the _kiss_. It wasn't supposed to happen. But it did. We'll have to deal with it. It's not like we kiss during every encounter. We'll be fine.” And Arthur didn't know who he was trying to convince. Morgana or himself.

 

Morgana only hoped Arthur didn't believe the line of crap he was attempting to feed her. Because he needed to get better. “I hope so, Arthur. I truly hope so.”

 

**

 

The days were not, as difficult as either of them were expecting after their tense fight on their first night at the lake-house. Not after their discussion. And Arthur was managing to eat again. Even if it required some goading by Merlin at times. Even though there were times of extreme difficulty. Even though he did feel pressured by Merlin in doing so.

 

“Merlin, I don't need a babysitter! I don't need you telling me to eat, or watching over me to make sure that I eat every bite.” Arthur sneered. He was trying to eat his fish and chips. He wasn't exactly hungry enough to finish it.

 

And Merlin wasn't use to Arthur in attack mode, even if it was at his own doing. He tensed, before controlling himself and speaking softly. “I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I'm not trying to watch over you. I'm only...concerned, Arthur. That is all.” Merlin sighed inwardly. “I don't want you to lose any more weight and I missed it _all_  before. Which is why it may seem like I'm watching you like a hawk now. Because I don't want to miss it again.” And that was true. Merlin didn't want to miss anything. Especially after that scare on their first day. And then Arthur's weight loss again on the second. And Arthur needed to gain more weight. He couldn't afford, to lose any more.

 

Arthur sighed. Taking in Merlin's crestfallen expression. “I'm sorry.” Arthur pressed the bridge of his nose with his left thumb and forefinger. “I know that you are only trying to help. Even though I haven't _asked_ you to.” Arthur couldn't help but add that last sentence. He asked for support, not a babysitter! “I'm just under a lot of pressure right now, and I'm trying to get my head around it all.”

 

“And you don't want to tell me what that is about?” He knew there was something else. But he also knew what happened the last time he pushed. So he wasn't going to push now. Causing him to pace his attempts instead.

 

Arthur shook his head, before licking his lips. “It's nothing you need to worry about. It's about me. Things I need to deal with. It's just the combination of everything that's making it a little hard to bear at times. But it's nothing.” Arthur dismissed. Because it was true. And Merlin wouldn't have even noticed it if they weren't in such close proximity. If he didn't visit his father so close before their trip. Well...if his father didn't force a meeting so close before their trip. Arthur was planning on just dipping in and out. And not for a lunch where he was the one on the menu as the special of the day!

 

Merlin slowly took Arthur's left hand in his right, twining their fingers together. The gesture felt... _intimate_. “I know you don't want to tell me. But whatever it is. Whenever your ready. I'm here for you. You know that, yeah?”

 

Arthur swallowed. It felt like there was a knot in his throat. He was hoarse as he responded. “Yeah.” And though there were times he wanted to tell Merlin everything. He just...couldn't. Merlin had enough problems on his own. And there were still too many things left unresolved between them. Still too many things left unsaid. There was also a matter of trust. And besides. This was something he had to deal with on his own. He couldn't lay it all out on someone he was already too dependent on. Even if he felt like he needed the comfort right now. No matter how _much_ , he wanted it.

 

It hurt Merlin not to know. But he respected Arthur's need for space anyway.

 

**

 

Their meetings with their therapist both seemed to be the highlights of their day. No. That was a lie Merlin thought to himself. Their Skype calls with their therapists' were not the highlighting points of their day, it just was. It was an inevitable. Something that they _had_ to do. They started every morning doing the same routine. It started with Arthur going on the scale. It either set the course of the day in happiness for Merlin, or it set it making Merlin more determined than ever to make sure that Arthur ate. _All of his food,_  and not just a portion. And Merlin was starting not to care what Arthur had to say about that. No matter how much Arthur argued about him not needing a babysitter. Arthur needed to gain weight. The whole point of everything was for them both to be healthy.

 

And Merlin knew that he wasn't always being supportive. It wasn't like he could turn off everything as completely as before. People were _aware_ of his issues now. People _reminded_ him of it at every turn. People were quick to _tell him_ he was wrong. He wasn't given _any_ quarter. And as a result... He couldn't hide away from everything either. So he understood. On some level. That it didn't _look like_ he cared for Arthur. Especially when he would see the hurt in Arthur's eyes. Especially when he could feel the meaning behind his words. But to feel _hurt_ was one thing. To think he didn't _care_...was another. Because that simply wasn't true. And even though it took an argument, Merlin was happy that he finally knew part of what was bothering Arthur. Because Merlin truly doubted that Arthur would have told him any other way.

 

And it wasn't that he didn't care. It was that he didn't like what Arthur had to do to get better. That he couldn't stand by and _watch_. That he didn't want any of it happening at all! (Though Merlin knew better than to add that part. He was in enough trouble with Arthur at that moment as it was. He didn't feel the need to add to it. Because it would have only added credence to Arthur's argument.) Especially if getting better meant that Arthur was being led away from him. How could that _not,_ be something that he _would_ be upset about?! He was human after all. Though Arthur, being _superhuman_ when it came down to it - to be able to be in love with him for _seven_ years. To be able to watch his _many_ dates. To be able to hear him fucking those many dates, those many one-offs, those many boyfriends...if they happened to be too loud. To see him meeting one new bloke after another, as Arthur mentioned before. To be there for it all. All to _not_ have exploded in rage and jealousy - may not have seen that side of it.

 

Not if Arthur remained unaffected through it all without comment to him. And Merlin. Not being superhuman _at all_...who apparently didn't have the practice of Arthur's tact - not when Arthur belonged to him. Not when he knew it in his heart - in knowing how to filter his words, or how to temper his feelings. Not like this. Not when all of his feelings were at the surface. Not when he's had to admit to it all to Arthur already. Not when he knew exactly what he wanted. No. Merlin did not have that sort of practice of tact! How could he be expected to truly keep his feelings to himself it it meant that he wouldn't be heard? There was too much at stake to lose for him to stay silent through everything!

 

Those were _not_ things you could discuss with your psychotherapist during your one hour Skype session calls. Not while there was a chance of Arthur - or even the staff - overhearing. Merlin could only assume that Arthur was dealing with the same thing. But according to _everyone_. Nimueh was an _excellent_ therapist. Praised about across the land for her unconventional methods of treatment. Where in Merlin's mind, her – _unconventional -_ methods of treatment left much to be desired if it meant that Arthur had been prescribed a pass to date the free world, and was being led far away from him. His feelings. Of course. Were irrelevant - unimportant - in that regard. As it is well known throughout the United Kingdom, reaching to other countries how she has tweaked her treatments to cater to the individual, along with what has been known as proven methods to work, _without fail_. And it was those proven methods to work, _without fail_ parts that Merlin was so very afraid of every time the lot mentioned it. Even though there was _nothing_ he could do about it. So no, definitely _not_ a discussion to have with your psychotherapist during a Skype call.

 

~ *~

 

“What did you talk about in your session today?” Arthur asked curiously. “If you don't mind me asking.”

 

Merlin shared the hardest parts of what he could have shared with Arthur already. Arthur was aware of his history. He knew about his father. About the bullying. Arthur may not have known the details of his nightmares - because it felt like Merlin would be reliving it a third time if he had to say it outloud - but he knew enough. Enough for Merlin not to be timid about answering that question. Even though he had to detach a part of himself to do so. It was easier to get through it that way. “We were talking about the bullying. Not from my childhood.” Merlin shook his head in case that was Arthur's assumption. “We've discussed that in detail, several times.” Merlin shrugged like it was nothing. “The focus for the past week - along with you - was centered on the bullying that's occurred during my adult years. And the feelings that I've had to deal with as a result of it. The combination of feelings from youth to now. And how it's affected my life. How I've had to deal with the feeling of not fitting in. The feeling of not being good enough. The feeling of never feeling like I belonged. Like I would never fit.” Merlin said that last part mostly to himself.

 

Arthur looked out at the water. They'd decided to take to the water. To enjoy it. And to fish. Arthur was going to finally teach Merlin. They had intentions to do it on the second day, but those plans went up in smoke once Merlin realized how much weight he'd lost. This was their fourth day at the lake-house. And the third day was just like the second. Arthur lost another pound. It wasn't like he wasn't trying. He was eating! It may not have been everything on his plate, but not enough to keep losing weight. He knew it was the stress. And it wasn't like he didn't _gain_ any weight in the process either. He just wasn't gaining more weight on top of what he'd lost. Which left him still with eighteen more pounds to gain. However, that small justification wasn't enough to stop Morgana from yelling at him through the phone. Nor was it enough to stop Nimueh from voicing – again - how she was against his and Merlin's trip from the start. That she didn't support the idea of them staying away for two weeks. And that if he didn't show improvement that she would not condone his and Merlin's agreement of dating once a week. Which only seemed to make Merlin work harder in forcing him to eat. More. Arthur had to shake out of his own thoughts. This was about Merlin. “Are you going to tell me all about it now?” Arthur turned away from the water, to face Merlin. “I know. There were some things that I caught. Things I addressed immediately. But...” Arthur swallowed. “From what I heard from Will. You weren't being completely honest with me when I'd ask you about it. You weren't telling me everything that was going on with you.” Arthur paused. He couldn't help the sound of accusation in his tone. “I could have helped, Merlin.”

 

The thought somehow made Merlin feel defensive. “I didn't _ask_ you for your help, Arthur.”

 

Arthur flinched.

 

Merlin swallowed, shaking his head. “I'm sorry. It's not what I meant.” Merlin suck in a breath. “It's that. My whole life. I never wanted to be different. And for my whole life I was always reminded by someone or in someway that I was.” Merlin looked out to the waters for a moment before focusing his gaze on Arthur. “It started with my father.” Merlin felt pressure in his chest just by saying that. “The words he would say. The names he would _call_ me. His _hatred_ of me. He always made me feel like nothing. Like _I_ was nothing. Like I wasn't meant to be. Like I was a mistake. Some freak of nature.”

 

Arthur was going to speak, but Merlin raised a hand to stop him. Arthur wanted to comfort Merlin, but he knew that the gesture wouldn't be appreciated. Not right now. He wanted to bring Balinor back from the dead just to put him back to death but...that, was an impossibility. Which only left Arthur feeling helpless. As he let Merlin continue.

 

“I'm sorry,” Merlin apologized again. Picking up on some of Arthur's feelings through his expression. “It's just...if I don't say it.” Merlin shook his head. “I'm not going to.”

 

Arthur nodded in understanding. While trying to say everything that he could say through his eyes. _“I'm here for you. Your father was wrong. You were always meant to be. You weren't a mistake. You are not a freak of nature. You are not nothing. You are everything!”_

 

Merlin's eyes started to water by that. Just feeling Arthur's love and support. It warmed him, where he was starting to feel cold. “There was never _anything_ I could do that was right by him. The only thing I wanted from him was to love me. To _care_. And it seemed that the only thing I could do to make that happen was not be there. To hide myself away in my room. In my safe place. Hidden under the blankets. My flashlight and book of the day to read with me.” Merlin swallowed hard while looking out into the water. Those were not his best memories. And some of the hardest things to talk about in psychotherapy. How easy could it be to cope – to piece together the feelings, of a parent. Who was supposed to be yours, to watch over you, to protect you – when all you saw in them was hate? Where all you saw in them was pain. Where faith, love, and support was supposed to abide. What could you say about that your parent then?

 

Arthur had to close his fists in his hands. He was feeling too much. Anger. For a situation he had no control over. Compassion. Sympathy. Love. Protectiveness. Over Merlin. For Merlin. It didn't help Merlin now. Those things happened to Merlin long before they'd met. And the rest Merlin lied to him about. _If_  Arthur didn't manage to see it for himself. None of that stopped Arthur from wishing he could have done more. He would always wish he could have done more. Arthur didn't bother to interrupt to speak on it though. Merlin didn't speak of these things often. He didn't open up about his past abuse. No matter how hard Arthur tried to get him to. Merlin would always find a way to deter the discussion instead. To bring it back to Arthur. To focus on anyone, anything, but Merlin himself. To avoid discussing the things that _needed_ to be discussed. _If_ it wasn't something Merlin wanted to discuss to begin with.

 

Merlin placed a hand to his chest like he was feeling a sharp pain. “For as long as I can remember. My father was abusive to me. And then it went right into being bullied at school. And between a span of two years - between the ages of six and eight, before my mother discovered it - both were happening at the same time. Even though I was closing myself off little by little since the time of my father. It wasn't like anyone knew what was going on. It wasn't like anyone _could_ understand. And I didn't want to be a burden on my mum, like I was to my father. Him always having to be stuck watching over me while my mum went to work... I couldn't... I couldn't put her through the same thing. It was best to not have anyone worrying about me at all.” Merlin paused before lowering his hand from his chest. “It didn't really work with Will though.” Merlin chuckled, wistfully. “And that was when I really started to learn how to lie. It was my best defense. That, and not taken in everything that was happening around me. I had to ignore the pain of the words. The pain of the beatings, the feeling of being betrayed, and the feeling of pure fear. Numbing the pain – the feelings – was my only way to endure it all.” Merlin mumbled the last part. And was quiet for a few moments after.

 

Arthur couldn't even imagine what it would have felt like to be abused as a child. His own mum passing away when he was eight - when Morgana was ten - from Hodgkin's Disease. They still had the opportunity to feel like they were loved. They still had that precious amount of time. Now where loss was suffered however. Arthur had to deal with a great deal of that. Losing his mum, his grandfather – watching them slowly deteriorate, to later succumb to the ill fate of their diseases - and his aunt, at such an early age, committing suicide. By the age of twelve he'd lost three of the key people in his life. And he felt it. The raw pain of it all. Being so close to them, and losing them. But to not feel _love_. Arthur didn't have to worry about that feeling. Until he fell in love with Merlin. Only then did he have to think about those feelings not being returned. He didn't know what it felt like to have a parent actually treat you like you were hated. Like a menace. And not just verbally, but physically too. His father loved - loves - them. And he did his best to show it. Even with his smothering, of always having to know their whereabouts. Of always having to see them if more than two weeks had passed. The love was always present. And he had his sister. But for Merlin. It would have been a wonder that Merlin hadn't gone crazy without, _anyone_ around to talk to. Living in that environment, alone with his father for so many years. A safe place under a blanket didn't seem like much comfort where Arthur was concerned. His heart couldn't help but go out to Merlin. Arthur almost missed when Merlin started speaking again, being so deep in his own thoughts, but he caught on quickly. He wanted to hear every word. He needed to hear it.

 

“And then the bullying. Being threatened for my life. I was only six when that started happening. I had no way of knowing if that was going to be true. But it paralyzed me with fear anyway. My father would tease me when he guessed I was getting beat up. When the excuses didn't seem plausible enough to account for the bruises or the blood. He would tease me calling me a wuss, a wimp, a weakling. Because I couldn't hold my own. I never admitted to being beaten up or threatened. It would have only made it worse. Possibly causing more beatings from him too. And by the time my mum ever got back. If she got back that day. She never saw me looking that way anyway because I cleaned myself up. Only feigning accidents for bruises that couldn't be covered, or if my uniforms needed to be replaced. And then...the continued bullying throughout my school years... The only reprieve I felt, the only thing that gave me peace, in the midst of it all - despite my protesting every step of the way about the move - was when we moved to London.” Merlin swallowed, before holding Arthur's gaze captive. "When I met you.”

 

Arthur swallowed hard. His heart skipped a beat. As he remembered their first meeting. Remembering his overwhelming need to protect Merlin from Valiant. From anyone or _anything_ , who would do Merlin harm. He remembered his need to make sure that Merlin was okay. Because there was _always_ something about Merlin, to him. Something he couldn't quite grasp. Something he felt like he needed to know. Something hidden deep. Some puzzle piece meant to explore. It drew him in. Capturing and arresting him in equal measure. Making it impossible for Arthur to want to do anything but, keep Merlin close. Even though he never fully understood what that meant. Even though his friends - even though Morgana, his father even - had different opinions of what that meant. It was always there.

 

“When I met you.” Merlin continued softly. “You made me feel safe. In a world where I didn't think feeling safe would ever become an option for me. I was hoping that it would have been different moving to London. With Will's encouragement but...when Valiant cornered me I knew it wasn't going to be.” Merlin shook his head. “I just knew it was going to be the same as it was in Ealdor. I just knew that Will was wrong.” Merlin ran a hand through his hair. He rubbed his hands and fingers together like he was trying to get warm before a fire. “But then I met you. And you showed me things could be different. That it _would_ be different. You made me feel safe. And you completely took over every aspect of my life without me being conscious enough to realize it.” Merlin chuckled while shaking his head.

 

Arthur chuckled too. Because he felt Merlin did the same to him. But...in a different way. And Arthur was also quite aware of what Merlin meant too. Merlin's place was by his side. They clicked instantly. And Merlin became his best mate. His side kick. His _everything_. And in less than three months of their first meeting. Arthur had completely invaded every aspect of Merlin's life that Merlin left open for him. And they were never the same again.

 

Merlin smiled. As he thought back. “You made me feel _wanted_. You treated me like you treated everyone else. Better even. And I didn't feel alone anymore. You never made me feel like I wasn't...good enough. Like I wasn't good enough for you. Even when I thought I wasn't. And no matter what we did. No matter how I wanted to withdraw, you wouldn't allow it. And everything was more. Everything was better, because of you.” Merlin caught Arthur's gaze. “I wanted to keep you in my life forever. And even though I blocked my feelings for you - because I didn't want to lose our friendship - I was _never_ able to block away the feeling that I couldn't be without you. I always knew that much. Without a doubt.” Merlin swallowed hard. “You were always kept in a safe place in my mind. In my heart. A place where I could always go to to feel at peace. My _safe_ place. And nothing else - no one else - would do but you, Arthur.”

 

Arthur's eyes started to water. His chest tightened, as he felt a chill run down his spine. He felt...overwhelmed. Because Merlin felt _something_ for him back then. He said it before, but Arthur could feel it now. The feelings were there. Even if he himself was confused by what those feelings meant back then. Because he hadn't thought anything different. Always raised to believe he was a man made for a woman. Never coming to a conclusion that he could be made for a man too. Taking him years to figure it out. While Merlin was apparently steps ahead of him as always - being gay, and knowing his feelings for what they were – even though he blocked it away. At least, it gave Arthur something. To _know,_ that Merlin couldn't quite block away their love. Even if he wanted to. Even if he ignored it. Even if he didn't acknowledge it's existence. And Arthur was going to stop right there because that was the part he didn't think he would _ever_ truly understand. Because. If you truly loved someone, wouldn't that love be strong enough to break any barrier? Why did it take him leaving for Merlin to want to acknowledge it? It was something Arthur didn't want to focus on. “But you didn't say anything about still being bullied. You didn't tell me.” Arthur commented. Leading the discussion away from something that would probably always hurt him. Having the years of pain to show for it. While feeling the hurt of Merlin not telling him about being bullied now.

 

Merlin understood Arthur's change of topic in discussion for what it was. But since it wasn't easy to talk about his feelings for Arthur. His _deeper_ feelings. He took the reprieve for what it was too. Knowing that it was still a sore subject. Knowing he was the cause of that pain for Arthur. “No. I didn't. I didn't want anyone to worry about me, Arthur. I didn't want to be treated differently. And if I was the only one being bullied all of the time, I would have been treated differently. Hell, you probably would have been walking me to all of my classes, to the men's, like I was some damsel in distress!” Merlin's voice hit an octave range at the end of his sentence. It sounded funny now. But it wouldn't have been funny then.

 

Arthur wasn't even going to lie to himself or to Merlin. It was true. He probably would have given Merlin round the clock protection to ensure that Merlin wasn't treated that way ever again. There would have been a word on the street, unwritten memo posted, on just what was going to happen to the person who attempted to harrass Merlin. Arthur wasn't in the least bit ashamed about that. Only God knows what happened to the people he did find out about.

 

Merlin knew exactly what Arthur was thinking. He didn't even dignify it with a response. It was his point. “You would have treated me like a damsel in distress when everyone was already thinking that I was your charity case. A rag to be sullied and discarded. A friend that satisfied your needs temporarily, until you decided yourself that I was no longer good enough. It's all those wankers use to say that you would take me around to when we would go out to those extravagant Pendragon parties together.”

 

“I'd never--” Arthur started, alarmed, defensive even, before being interrupted by Merlin.

 

“You weren't responsible for any of it, Arthur. You had no idea what was going on. And once you did, you nipped it in the butt. And so did Morgana. And our friends. But you couldn't be around me 24/7, and you couldn't muzzle their mouths to prevent the words. You couldn't cover their eyes to block off their looks of disdain. Because it wasn't going to stop. They wanted me out of the way. You were bringing me as your eye candy to get the rest of the people off your back. They were sizing up the competition and I was found wanting, and undesirable. An unwanted string on a garment that would eventually destroy the garment itself if it wasn't mended properly or torn away. They found me beyond repair, and without purpose for your life.” Merlin raised a hand to stop Arthur from speaking. Arthur was just about to. He was itching to. “I was damaged goods. Coming from a small town. From a poor family. Going to school on scholarship. To later live with you – in your flat - all expenses paid. They all knew. And they treated me like I was like your full-time rent boy. Even though we weren't having sex. Even though we weren't a couple. Even though we were only best mates. That was the way they saw me, Arthur. That's the way they looked at me. That's the way they _still_ look at me.” Merlin muttered to himself. Thinking about the Christmas Party and the looks sent his way. The only difference this year was the fact that Arthur brought Mordred as his date. And they still didn't treat Mordred the way they treated him. They seemed to actually _like_ Mordred. Anyone but him for Arthur right?

 

“Merlin,” Arthur sighed. “I had the right to know--”

 

“And what could you have done, Arthur?!” Merlin asked none too sharply before sucking in a breath. “You were doing enough for me as it was. You still do. You can't change someone's perception of another. It's what they saw. Because they didn't want me with you in the first place. It seems everyone is in agreement in that regard.” Merlin's eyes watered, as he shook his head, face, the expression of pain. Unable to block the feelings on that one. Unable to stay detached.

 

Arthur couldn't help but feel angry by that comment. “Do you really think I _care_ about what other people think of you Merlin? Do you really think that I _ever_ cared?” Arthur asked frustratingly as he ran a hand through his hair and clinched his jaw. “Do you think it _mattered?_ I don't care about what people think of my choices of who I spend my time with. I do have to live up to a certain image for my family. Yes. For our name. But my father never actually forbidded us from being around the people of our choosing.”

 

“Your father never liked me.” Merlin said, sadly, knowingly. Uther never hid it. Everyone knew.

 

Arthur grimaced. “He didn't _encourage_ our friendship, yes, but he never said he didn't _like_ you.” And Arthur was aware of how much of an _understatement_ his response was. Just thinking about the only three major arguments he and his father had. All three, involving his friendship with Merlin. But he didn't want Merlin to think about it. And it wasn't like Merlin knew about those arguments either. Arthur protected Merlin from it. Or so he thought.

 

Merlin shook his head tiredly. “He didn't have to encourage it, Arthur. It was clear that he didn't want me around as soon as he learned my name.” And that was true. Uther hated him. And Merlin never understood why Uther hated him so much. Or why he always accused him of having some sort of mental affliction.

 

Arthur shook his head. “My father...” Arthur swallowed. “He knew about you, Merlin. He knew about your past. He was good friends with Gaius. And they...were - are - each other's confidants.” Was all Arthur could say there without thinking of his aunt. And how Gaius knew the truth from his father when somehow his father didn't deem it necessary for his own children to know the truth. If they never eavesdropped, they would have never known. “He didn't think you were a good influence on me. But he couldn't quite tell me why. Especially without telling me _everything_. Which he couldn't. But he never forbade me from having a relationship with you either. He never outright told me that I couldn't be your friend. Not that it would have worked anyway.” Arthur chuckled. “He raised us to have our own minds. And I fought him tooth and nail - on every turn - each time he tried to discourage our friendship.”

 

Merlin didn't know what he thought about that. About his uncle confiding in Uther about him. Confiding a secret that was meant to stay buried. To never see the light of day. _His_  secret. There were no words that could be said on that account. Nevertheless, it gave reason for why Uther hated him so. Because Uther knew about his past. Because Uther understood that he was damaged goods. He wouldn't want his only son to become contaminated by Merlin's presence. He probably blamed Arthur's illness on him. Thinking it was catching. Thinking he put Arthur in that predicament to begin with. It made Merlin feel sick. Because he managed to damage everything good that he ever touched. Arthur included. And somehow, Uther knew all about it, knew it would happen. Even if Merlin didn't know it himself. He shook his head. “It doesn't matter.” He couldn't think any further on it. Knowing where his mind was heading. It was going to a very dark place. And Merlin wasn't going to allow it. He'd been down that road before. He was not going back again. “What's done is done. He may not have liked me anyway. God only knows that I don't fit into the mold of best mate for you. Not to mention anything more. He was just being a father. You can't fault him for that.” And that was true. If his own father showed half of the love and compassion that Uther showed to Arthur and Morgana – only half - Merlin wouldn't feel so screwed up now.

 

Arthur sighed heavily. “No, I can't fault him for being a father. But I can fault him for treating you differently from our other friends. I just...I always thought it was about the money. And so did Morgana.” And then on afterthought, with new knowledge. “Well...at least that's what she would say.” It was _not_ the time to tell Merlin that Morgana knew too. Arthur was well aware that Merlin held a grudge against Morgana for helping him through his depression. Merlin didn't have to say it. His supercilious remarks made it crystal clear for all to see. But the difference – what made Morgana different from their father where Merlin was concerned – was the fact that Morgana never treated Merlin differently because of his past. Ever. And she knew about it. The only feelings she had towards Merlin right now was out of protection for him, as her brother. It was not a discussion to be broached because Arthur wouldn't stand for her to take the hit on that. On both accounts. If it weren't for her he wouldn't know where he would be right now. And as for the secret, she was a kid when she found out. And she was right, even as a kid. It was not her secret to tell. And based on Merlin's darkened expression in hearing about his uncle, telling his secret...Morgana...made the right call. Even if Arthur wished she hadn't. Even if he wished he'd known. “But I should have known something was up on a different level. Even if no one told me about it. I mean. He use to be nice to Will. And Will was on scholarship too.”

 

Merlin chuckled. “Yeah. Will may be an arse at times but he could generally get along with anyone once, you got to know him. And Will and Morgana did hit it off just as well as he did with you. It was easier for your father to like him. Not that I didn't get along with Morgana mind, we got on just fine. But in hindsight, knowing now what I didn't know then, there was no past history going on there with Will to darken your father's perceptions.” Merlin winced inwardly. That only meant that Uther would probably never come around to liking him. And he, like Morgana, had such influence over Arthur. It meant they might never end up being together. Arthur wouldn't go against his father's wishes for him. Merlin chest started to ache more just thinking about it. His past would always come back to haunt him. It was doing it even when he didn't know about it. He swallowed hard, as his eyes started to water more, from the inevitability of it all. He was never going to be happy.

 

Arthur's eyes narrowed. He tilted his head to the side, he frowned. “Stop it.” He demanded.

 

Merlin startled. “Stop...what?” Arthur's hard tone threw him for a loop, along with Arthur's change in demeanor. And yes, Merlin was spoiled all of these years. He had to admit it to himself. Arthur may have talked to others like this but he never talked to _him_ like this. Merlin wasn't use to the outburst, the panic attacks, the defensiveness, or the demands. Arthur would make his point. He didn't bite his tongue. But he never snapped at him either. This was a new side to Arthur. Possibly because they always gave each other what they _thought_ they wanted before. Possibly sparked by Arthur's depression. But a new side to Arthur all the same. Just like it was a new side of himself. Sparked by his overwhelming emotions. And on top of that. The secret was out. For both of them. And there was no hiding behind their feelings, or blocked emotions any more. And on top of that, their love...changes things. And so does their pain.

 

Arthur's tone turned angry. “Stop whatever it is your thinking about. You only feel different because you allow other's to make you feel different. You only feel that way because somehow you managed to take their words to heart. To hell with their words, Merlin! They don't even know you well enough to know what they're talking about. They _don't_ have a clue.” Arthur ran out of steam, before he finished tiredly. “They don't see what I see--”

 

“And what do you see?” Merlin asked quietly, while raising a brow, curious.

 

Arthur grew intense. And his words reflected it. “I see. I see a man that has gone through some unspeakable things in his short life. I see a man. Who could have gone crazy, could have done some horrible things to himself to escape it all but, still attempted to live his life normally, as best as he could. In impossible circumstances. Despite the walls. Because the walls may have closed some things off for you, a lot of things mind, but it still allowed you to live. Where some may not have wanted to live at all.” Arthur grimaced. As he considered his own path. “I see a man who decided to go through hell and back again, to get his life back on track through psychotherapy. To make things right. For whatever the reason you are doing all of this for. You Merlin. Are trying to make it right. So if that makes you different. If that makes you less than ordinary. Be happy, Merlin, because that makes you an extraordinary individual to overcome the odds that have been set before you in your life. Be happy, that you are _not_ like _everyone else_.”

 

And Merlin couldn't stop his tears from falling then. He didn't know what to say. But thankfully he didn't have to, because Arthur wasn't finished.

 

Arthur words were even more sure as he continued. “Your a  _survivor_  Merlin. And you are a fighter. You may take different avenues from everyone else at times but you do still fight. And you don't give up. Constantly going after what you want. And when things get out of hand. You find another way to survive. To live to see another day. With your heart in tact to get you there.” It was true. It didn't leave anything to say about them pursuing a relationship with Merlin always thinking of himself first. But it meant that Merlin would always survive. That Arthur wouldn't have to worry about him. That he would be able to cope. As long as he had support.

 

Merlin understood the meaning behind Arthur's words. “But there something you don't seem to understand, Arthur.”

 

“What is that?” Arthur asked, while trying to swallow around the lump in his throat.

 

“If I became a survivor, it was because I had you to strengthen me. You gave me that strength, Arthur. And I fed off of you. I was _encouraged_ by you. You encouraged me to go after everything that I ever wanted. You radiate with the air of confidence. I had my reasons for wanting to become a doctor. I'm aces at maths and science I know. But it was a big step for me to go into a field where the attention would be on me to make life and death decisions. It was you, who encouraged me to go after my dreams. Whatever that dream may be. It was you, who told me that anything was possible if I dreamed big enough for it. Whenever I ever had a doubt in my abilities, I simply needed to think of you, and I would be encouraged. By your words alone - by you - and by your strength.”

 

Arthur was hoarse when he spoke after a few moments of silence. His eyes were watering but he refused to cry. He swallowed hard. “You would have done it anyway.”

 

“Maybe. But I may not have felt as encouraged to stick with it without you in my life. And let's not forget that I may not have been able to afford it either. You've taken care of me, Arthur. You loved me in ways that no one else has ever loved me before.” Merlin stopped to wipe his face of the tears that dampened it. “You made me want more. When I thought I was deserving of less. And even if I didn't say it. Even though I covered it up. I couldn't have loved you any more for that.”

 

Arthur swallowed hard. He looked back out to the waters. And he closed off his feelings in his expression. He couldn't afford to fall any deeper than he already has. There has to be a limit to how much you can love someone?! There has to be a stopping point. Like a dam blocks off water from flowing and covering too much territory. Like the water stops fire from spreading too far. Like the calm stops the wind until it dissipates. There must be a stopper to how far love could actually grow? There has to be an end! Because, Arthur, was well and truly gone a long time ago. And Merlin didn't have to say much to make him feel it even more. He was in over his head. And he wasn't supposed to be. Not now! He had to control it. He had to distance himself mentally. He had to focus on something else. Anything else! He grinned. He tried to anyway. Because he hated this feeling of not having control over his own feelings. Like Merlin could just bat those long eye lashes, show off those ocean blue eyes - and Arthur - would be at his mercy in an instant. Without a thought. Despite himself. “You would have done fine.” Arthur chuckled to lighten the mood, before looking back out to the water, and then the sky. Forcing his mind from thinking things he ought not. “It'll be time for supper soon. Let's get your first fishing lesson underway. And _if_ we are lucky, you might even catch a few fishes. Maybe even enough for tomorrow night's dinner.” Arthur raised a brow at Merlin in challenge.

 

Merlin knew exactly what Arthur was trying to do. He couldn't blame him though. And even though Merlin was trying to show Arthur his love for him. Even though he was trying to prove to Arthur that he _always_ loved him. And for the right reasons that Arthur was so worried about. Merlin had to wonder if it was too little too late to prove it now. If Arthur would _ever_ truly believe that he loved him for all of the right reasons. And not just because it was a natural progression of what should have came next between them. Not because of some stupid obligation or for disappointment of feelings. Granted. Merlin may have done all of those things. If he knew Arthur's feelings for him. But that was not the reason why he loved Arthur. Not the reason why he wanted him then. And not the reason why he wanted him now. Merlin sighed inwardly. Hopefully one day, and soon, Arthur would be able to see that. Maybe if he wasn't so busy trying to believe otherwise. Love wasn't something to be proven. It simply is. While everything else falls into place. And how we live... Is how we show that love. But there's no way to prove it's existence is for the right reasons. It's impossible to know. Not if you don't have faith in the one who loves you back. And that part only hurt more to think about so Merlin let it go for now. He followed Arthur's gaze to the sky. To the waters. “Yeah.” He swallowed. “Let's _see_ if I can get more fish than...how many did you say you caught the first time? None?” Merlin asked teasingly. The pain still there, in his heart, but he knew Arthur didn't want to talk about more at the moment. That he wasn't _ready_ for more. So he let it go.

 

“So not funny.” Arthur said, while trying to hide a grin. “I was under a lot of pressure being out here with my grandfather and father. You try to be the third generation _Pendragon_ male who's supposed to be able to do everything right and see how you buckle under the pressure.” Arthur couldn't help his tone sharpening in defense by the end of his response. It wasn't like his grandfather, or his father even, pressured him to be perfect. It was because he, like Morgana, _expected_ to be perfect where perfection didn't truly exist. They placed impossible goals upon themselves. Forcing it to be possible. Seeing things that even their father - as sharp as he was/is - didn't see. All the while working together to bring the company to the next level. Around the world. And those goals somehow managed to flow into all other aspects of their lives. Always forcing them to strive to do better. Without limits.

 

What centered them. Was each other. And then Merlin for him. And Gwaine later for her (after their many arguments). Even though he and Merlin were only best mates. It didn't matter. Because. Somehow. Merlin managed to keep him stationed on the ground. And not in the sky. The stars were already well within his reach. He didn't have to go for the entire solar system too. “I'll have you know I caught 3 fishes on my _second_ go round.” Arthur retorted, with a pout, as he remembered how his grandfather patted his head on that second go round. _“Your doing fine, Arthur. You'll be an expert in no time flat.”_ He then remembered his father's words. _“Not everyone catches a big batch the first go rounds, Arthur. You can't always expect perfection. Don't be so hard on yourself.”_ When Arthur knew that his father _always_ expected nothing short of perfection in his _own_ life. And then he remembered Morgana. As she didn't think it should be a man's day on their second go round. Which ruined everything having a _girl_ come for a man's bonding--even though Arthur was only eight. As she claimed her only regret was that aunt Margaret couldn't be there to join in the fun too. “ _How does it feel Arthur. To know that your not perfect at everything?” She asked with a smirk._ _Twisting the nail in his coffin. Arthur huffed at her. Wanting to throw her overboard. He would have done too. If he knew it wouldn't have gotten him into trouble. Or that she wouldn't drown._

 

Arthur startled when Merlin spoke. Almost missing the sarcasm in Merlin's retort. So wrapped up in his own thoughts of the past. The lake brought back many memories.

 

“I'm sure those _were_ some tough shoes to follow. Good thing _I_ don't have worry about that. With no example to follow and all.” Merlin raised a brow, giving a Arthur a half grin. Barely restraining himself from bursting out laughing.

 

Arthur's eyes widened, and narrowed in challenge. He folded his arms to his chest. “I'll have you know _Mer_ lin, that I actually became the best fisher in the family. I didn't give up. I was _relentless_. And I would stay out on the lake all day and night until I got my quota of what I thought was a good batch, constantly beating both my grandfather and my father's records.”

 

Merlin raised a brow. “If you had to waste that much time out on the water, I'm not sure that I'd _want_ to brag about that if I were you, Arthur.” Merlin deadpanned, before giving his trademark cheeky grin.

 

Arthur wanted to throw _Merlin_ overboard. If he knew Merlin wouldn't be mad at him. Or that he wouldn't drown. “Well. Let's just see how you do on your first go round then.”

 

“Let's just see then, shall we?” Merlin raised his brow again. Face setting in determination.

 

~ * ~

 

Merlin, having caught _five_ fishes on his first go round, rubbed it in Arthur's nose for the rest of the day.

 

“It was a fluke.”

 

“Says the man who caught none on his first go round.” Merlin snorted in retort.

 

Arthur spluttered. “I had to teach you how to set the bait. On how to hold everything. On what to look for. I had to help you reel them in when it got too heavy for you!” Arthur argued. While carrying the said five fishes. A twenty pound pike – that technically they were supposed to put _back_ into the water as it was out of season, but tell that to Merlin - two ten pound sea trouts (sewins), and two half pound bass'. While Merlin was carrying their supplies. Merlin didn't like the way some of the fish were still moving around to help carry them. He didn't even like setting the worms as bait!

 

Merlin turned to Arthur. “Excuses, excuses. I _caught_ five fishes. Just admit that I was better than you on your first go round.” He finished with a smug grin on his face that Arthur could have kissed off if he wasn't practicing restraint.

 

“I will do no such thing.” Arthur replied snidely. Even _if_ Merlin was the better on the first go round. He refused to let Merlin get the better of him!

 

Merlin rolled his eyes. Apparently reading Arthur really well. “No matter.” He shrugged.

 

Arthur stepped in front of Merlin. Struggling to hold the fishes - some were still moving around - while blocking Merlin's path. “No matter, _what_?”

 

Merlin shrugged again. “No matter. The proof, is in the pudding. You caught none on your first go round. And three on your second. While _I_ caught _five_ on my first.” Merlin shrugged again. His smug grin was back. Before his grin turned into a smile that showed off all of his dimples. His eyes sparkled. His expression was nothing but pure happiness.

 

And Arthur's heart skipped a beat. Before he rebuked himself. Because. Really? Does Merlin know the effect he has on him?

 

And yes, Merlin knows exactly what he's capable of doing to Arthur. And he loved every bit of seeing Arthur's flushed cheeks, as he walked around Arthur to go into the lake-house.

 

**

 

The next few days went by even better than the first few. Arthur continued to carefully steer the conversation away from anything that resulted in sharing his feelings. And life went on as usual. But it was fine. Merlin saw clear as day that Arthur's feelings _were_ there. He was only having a hard time showing Arthur that his were there too, and for the right reasons. And on a good note. Arthur did manage to put on three more pounds. Bringing him to gaining 13 pounds, and having 15 _more_ pounds to gain.

 

Merlin doesn't _ever_ want to see Arthur have to gain that much weight again. His weight loss seems to be the hardest part of his illness. Though Merlin thinks he could be wrong about that. The weight loss just seems to be the hardest part because it was something that he could identify with. Something, that he could see. A result of. But if Arthur's depression wasn't going as strong as it was they would have seen changes in his eating disorder too. He wouldn't _still_ be struggling to eat. He remembered what Morgana told him. That Arthur's feelings regarding certain things - that his emotions - affected his appetite. Whether he was happy, sad, or indifferent affected it. And when he was torn apart. He didn't eat. Unless he talked it out first. Which, Arthur didn't seem to want to do with him. And as a result, his weight loss and weight gain was fluctuating. If only Arthur _would_ feel free to talk with him. They didn't seem to have problems like this before. But then again. They both were keeping things from each other then. Arthur, for the past seven years. And Merlin, since the day that they met. They didn't seem to have a problem communicating unless, it was time to talk about their feelings. And the things that bothered them.

 

But things were about to change. It was time to go back from the real world, mentally. Because Morgana was coming for her mid-stay visit and Merlin could only guess that his time with Arthur would be limited for as long as she was present. Him being the source of Arthur's depression and all. The only benefit. Arthur would be able to share the things that was bothering him with her. The things he felt he couldn't share with him, for whatever the reason. Another benefit. She would be able to convince him to eat. If he had a problem with eating around her at all.

 

Merlin couldn't find it in himself to regret coming up to the lake-house with Arthur. They may have argued, they may have had some difficult moments, but they got to know each other on a different level too. And not just as best mates anymore. Whether Arthur wanted to admit it or not, whether he wanted to shield those feelings away or not. It was there. It made Merlin feel a little bit better about what was coming next. A little. They still had one more week to go.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A penny for your thoughts.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to start off by apologizing for the delay in posting this chapter. It's very long so I hope it compensates for the delay. The length is also the reason for the delay. The chapter couldn't be separated due to it's content, and everything going on in it. I also wanted to thank you all for sending in such wonderful reviews. It continues to encourage me in getting these chapters posted as quickly as possible, while it inspires me all the same to do better. I really love reading all of your thoughts and perspectives on this story! And if I haven't responded to your review I will be doing so very shortly.
> 
> This chapter is also unbeta'd. I've reviewed it several times but it doesn't mean I haven't missed anything. If you see it, please let me know and I will review it and make the necessary corrections. With that being said, I hope you enjoy the chapter!

And just as Merlin predicted, upon arrival the first thing that Morgana did was claim Arthur stating that sibling time was required, and mumbling something about the lake and fond memories. By the time it took for Merlin to blink, Arthur was gone. Along with Morgana and Gwaine. The children weren't in attendance as planned. Apparently Gwen was throwing a New Year’s Bash and was inviting all of the children over to attend, even volunteering to keep Autumn and Aries while everyone was away. It was a little disappointing as Merlin was actually looking forward to seeing both Autumn and Aries. Merlin could only imagine that this was something of Morgana's doing. He wouldn't put it past her considering how hard she’s been trying to keep Arthur away from him on a whole. Merlin could almost see the logic behind it: the less people...the less distractions in keeping Arthur away from him.

 

“It’s like, she doesn't trust me around him at all. If she could help it I would probably never see Arthur.” Merlin said wistfully. In the middle of his rant. Seated at the kitchen island, beer in hand. He couldn't help it. It’s what he thought. Ever since Arthur went away to that resort the feeling never went away on how much Morgana would like to take Arthur far away from him. Merlin groaned inwardly. Arthur _listens_ to her. He takes her words to heart, he listens to his father and does the same. Where will that leave him when Arthur actually does have to choose what he’s going to do about them pursuing a relationship together? Merlin’s chest tightened by the thought. What they’re going to do is probably try to set Arthur up with every available handsome bloke and beautiful female in the city in hopes that someone strikes his fancy. As long as that someone, wasn't him. Merlin couldn't help the fierce feeling of jealousy and possessiveness that flowed through him. He wants to fight. He knows he should be fighting. But it feels like his hands are tied behind his back, because there was no way that he could fight without it looking like he’s not being supportive of Arthur’s choices. Especially since Arthur has asked for the time to make a decision about them, and for the decision to wait until after they both recovered. When he’s in the right frame of mind to make a decision. And for Merlin to utilize that time to do the same. Anything against that would look like Merlin is not respecting Arthur’s wishes. Like he is not being supportive. Even if that isn't totally the case. He’s not supporting the dating. He’s supporting Arthur recovery in getting better. But seeing Arthur date someone else, or do more...that…Merlin would never be able to support.

 

“I wouldn't say she doesn't trust you - at all - Merlin.” Sophia said truthfully. “If she didn't trust you at all, she wouldn't have let Arthur come up here in the first place. She even told you what to do to help. That’s not someone who finds you completely untrustworthy.” Sophia said, while taking a sip of her beer, seated across from Merlin. Will, seated beside her.

 

It must have been another diversion tactic for Morgana to allow Will and Sophia to tag along with her and Gwaine.  Merlin remembered Sophia’s words at the Christmas Party. Morgana said she would bring them along if she felt she needed reinforcements. She must have felt like she needed it now. Not to mention, Will and Sophia, what two better people are there to distract him? He was surprised Morgana didn't spring for bringing Mithian along too. Any distraction to keep Arthur away from him of course. Merlin thought to himself. He didn't dare speak that outloud, and Will and Sophia wouldn't allow themselves to be used like that. However, they would use this opportunity to check on him. To make sure that he was okay. And to make sure that things were well between him and Arthur. He knows they aren't taking sides, but they wouldn't stand for anyone to be railroaded either. He grabbed a few chips in his hand. “It doesn't matter what she would have allowed. It’s not like she had a say in the matter of whether or not Arthur took me up here anyway.” Merlin shrugged. “That was Arthur’s decision.” Merlin finished before eating his chips.

 

Will raised a brow and Merlin had to wonder what it was that he didn't know.

 

“Merls, if Morgana didn't give the approval, Arthur wouldn't have been able to come up here in the first place.” Will paused briefly. “Granted, Arthur fought her own on it, or so I've heard, but he needed an agreement from her in order to come.”

 

Merlin’s brows furrowed as he took a sip of his beer. “He doesn't need the permission, Will, he’s a grown man. He’s not a child. Besides, it was his idea for us to come up here in the first place. His, and not mine.”

 

Will shook his head. “It’s true. You didn't ask. It was Arthur’s idea. But in the same token, he wouldn't have come up here if it wasn't for you, Merls. He’d only just came back from the resort, just came back when he made these plans, Merls. Had just been told everything that he needed to do in order to recover. That part was done. There were no options in between for him. He needs help, and it’s obvious to everyone who pays attention.”

 

Merlin couldn't but think that jab was directed at him, and seeing Will’s raised brow at him he knew he was right. But he listened anyway because Will normally got somewhere. If he paid attention to get the message.

 

“The choices he’s made since he’s returned, those choices have been for you if it didn't have anything to do with his recovery because he hasn't made any other decisions since he’s returned. And some of those choices went directly against his recovery. As you know. But he did it for you because you asked him to. And while he was away. He was under the impression that you were doing fine he said, or, at least better. But once he got back. Once he found out more about your condition. How you were holding up, and the way you were feeling abandoned by the lot. Those choices made were to get you better. He’s even had fights with his therapist because a lot of the things he’s been doing for you is against his recovery but he knows you and knows that you would have been depending on him. And you know Arthur, anything for Merlin.” Will replied, while grabbing some chips. It was all  true. Arthur would walk through fire for Merlin. There’s little that he wouldn't do for him. With the exception of rushing into a relationship. And having to follow his altered doctor’s orders. But everything else...

 

Merlin shook his head. “I know that he would be there for me. He’s always been there for me. Even when we were little. Which was another reason why it hurt so badly while he was away. We've never been apart. But I didn't ask him to do that for me now.” Merlin winced. He couldn't even lie to himself or to Will who knew better. “Well. I know I've placed some pressure on him.” Which was an understatement. As a doctor he knows he shouldn't have been interfering at all with another doctor’s orders given by Arthur’s doctor for his own benefit, even though Arthur could have said no. But sometimes love is selfish, and Merlin felt semi-justified by his actions in pushing Arthur to see some form of reason. He’d suffer the consequences if it meant he could have Arthur in the end. Merlin took a final swig of his beer before getting up to grab three more, throwing away the used bottles.“But it was to even the playing field. The restrictions his therapist gave him left no room for me in it! I wouldn't have stood a chance with him any other way.” Merlin shook his head. Feeling even more justified in his decision. Even if he was wrong to pressure Arthur into that decision. “And I know, as Arthur had not so kindly pointed out - when my mouth spoke ahead of my brain again without thought - that I haven’t been a very supportive friend. I missed out on everything all over again, and I haven’t been there for him when he needed me to be. But I’m trying now. The only thing that I've been dead set against or fighting for is us being together, us being allowed to date, and me not wanting to see him date anyone else. I haven’t asked or pushed for anything more.” Merlin sat firm in his position. That part was true, now. He does realize it wasn't all true, before. But in seeing Arthur’s condition more for what it is, in spending this time away, he knows that Arthur needs more help than he originally realized. And that he wasn't paying as much attention as he should have been. It also didn't hurt for him to learn how to keep some of his thoughts to himself, to show more support. Some of them. Because if they didn't have it out before, Merlin wouldn't have known what was bothering Arthur. And he wouldn't have known how to respond. Sometimes...pushing, could be a good thing. It allows you to see more. To know more. Just like he knows Arthur’s holding something back now.

 

Will and Sophia didn't seem to totally agree on the fact that Merlin wasn't asking for more than that from Arthur. Considering the fact that they knew he has been. Being able to see it all, while Merlin was still missing things. And maybe Merlin doesn't recognize it, but he actually holds all of the cards here, where Arthur is concerned. There’s really nothing that Arthur wouldn't do for him. And it’s worse because of his depression. Merlin doesn't see that in his pushing to even the playing field. He doesn't see that the playing field was never even to begin with. Which is why Morgana's had to be the middle ground. The axis is completely tilted over on one side all in favor of Merlin while nothing was in favor of Arthur. And Arthur would have left it to stay that way, because he was partly if not, fully responsible for it’s present condition to begin with. Someone had to balance the scales before them. And considering how the scales were completely tipped over, Morgana needed to intervene to set Arthur to rights.

 

Sometimes you don’t see how things are unbalanced when you’re the one use to getting everything that you want in a relationship. When you've been the one who’s benefited the most. You may not even notice how you're affecting the one you're with. The one you’re supposed to love. And no matter how many times Will has tried to tell Merlin this. To help him see that - somehow - Merlin’s still manages to miss the point. Will only hopes Merlin get’s the point - soon - and before, Arthur get’s better. But he couldn't let this part go of what Merlin was saying.

 

“You pulled a runner Merls, because Arthur had to follow his recovery and was unable to promise you a relationship once he was better because he didn't know what to expect from what was to come. Because he didn't want to lie to you or give you false hopes.” Will said abruptly. “You pulled a runner because he needed time to see if you two were right for each other. After everything that’s happened between you. He needed time to evaluate his feelings and requested for you to do the same. What did you expect him to do?! He would have practically given you anything to stay. When he called me, when he discovered your things were missing, he sounded like he was well on his way to having another breakdown.”

 

Will must have still been upset with him for his attempting to flee, Merlin thought. Arthur wasn't the only one who was upset about that. But unlike Arthur, Will doesn't coat his words, giving himself a pass to say anything that he wants to and he did exactly that - saying Arthur asked him for a day and he had an entire day to get even more angry while - chewing him out completely for attempting to leave them all behind. And for the damage that would have done if he did. Not just for Arthur, but his mum and uncle too, and Will himself, who would have been extremely worried. “Think, Merls! What do you think would have happened if you left? Arthur just came back from suffering a nervous breakdown, he’s had suicidal thoughts, what do you think would have happened if you left without a word? And what about your mum, she’s already blaming herself as is, what do you think would have happened to her? And what about your uncle hum, who’s up in age, what about him?” Will sighed in frustration. “Some decisions are not yours to make alone, Merls. We are in this together whether you like it or not, and you getting on that plane would have sent a clear message that said fuck with it all. Think about what you do. Think about what your actions could have caused. Because your actions have consequences. And it’s bigger than you, Merls. We’re in this together.” Will was shaking when he was finished. Before he shook his head and pulled Merlin into a tight hug, telling him that he loved him. That it would have broke his heart to see him leave like that. Before rebuking him again asking Merlin why didn't he come to him first, before making such a stupid decision like that on his own. It was was not one of their better conversations. Nor was it a conversation that Merlin wished to relive through again.

 

Sophia leaned forward on the kitchen island to take a good look at Merlin, her expression was soft, tone gentle, when she spoke. “You didn't have to ask him, Merlin. Arthur loves you. And what my other half has neglected to say was that Arthur called Will the day before he was to come home and Will told him everything that was going on here. They were like two girls on the phone gossiping.” Sophia waved a hand Will’s way in mental dismissal, when he commented, “not a girl,” before continuing. They were gossiping like girls, she thought. Even Aries agreed with her. “Because no one else bothered to tell him anything, except for a programmed all is well. We've taken care of everything. Enjoy yourself. Which also played the deciding factor of how long Arthur decided to stay at the resort.” Sophia raised a brow at Merlin, before getting to the nitty gritty. She and Will have been very careful of what they've told Merlin. Before, being sworn to secrecy about Arthur’s feelings for him and anything about his condition, as it was due, to those said feelings.. Now, because they know that he’s needed to recover and that he’s had a lot of past history to deal with, along with needing time to explore his own feelings for Arthur. Also - because of all of those things - they knew Merlin wouldn't have understood the importance behind what they were attempting to tell him now. The only thing he was thinking about was Arthur having to date, and Arthur not choosing him in the end before. He still wasn't processing everything he was supposed to be doing on his own. Until now.

 

They've dropped major hints to see before and Merlin hadn't caught any of it. He’s picking up on it now. Which allows them to know he’s ready for more. Will may not sugar-coat his words, but even he knows certain things require time and patience. He would refuse to do anything, if it meant Merlin would regress in his recovery. They are as close as two brothers can get, without them actually being brothers. But Merlin is better now. He needs to know these things in order to be able to fight for Arthur properly. They may not be taking sides but they aren't just going to sit there and do nothing either. “Arthur was given the impression that everything was fine. That you, were fine, Merlin.” No one needed to speculate who made sure that Arthur was given that impression. “He was already researching your condition while he was away to better understand it. And he had an idea of what you were going through and what you needed when he got back. Not to mention Will told him that you were getting depressed, closing yourself off, and even pushing him away. Feigning headaches and all trying to get Will to leave so that you could be alone with your Vodka - to mope in your despair - and to wallow in self misery.” Sophia raised a brow at Merlin, accusation in her tone. With a clear message saying, “don’t you ever do that again.”

 

Merlin had the good grace to look sheepish. Those two weeks while Arthur was away was the hardest time of his life. He wanted to suffer on his own, deal with his nightmares, and needed to focus on what to say to Arthur when he returned. But she was right. He shouldn't have pushed anyone away. He shouldn't have pushed Will away either. He wouldn't have come through this - no matter how difficult - as quickly as he’s progressing if he didn't have the support from his friends. Even if they all weren't present during those first few weeks.

 

Sophia was unaware of Merlin’s musings but she saw some guilt, which was good enough for her. “He also knew that you were still not opening up to everyone - and everyone - including your mum knows if there was anyone who could get you to open up, who you would feel comfortable speaking with - aside from your therapist and Will - it would be Arthur. Even though no one would have told him that. They knew that Arthur was going through enough as is, and that he didn't need any more pressure. Except for Will here of course.” She shrugged, before turning to her - gossiping - husband. Who may have said a bit too much to Arthur too soon. She thought. It didn't matter though. It would work out. It did work. Merlin...is better. And then it didn't completely work out because Arthur...is not. They just have get Arthur better too. Because she can see where Morgana is angry in all this. Merlin and Will don’t have siblings. They may be tight and they may see each other as siblings, but it’s not exactly the same thing. Sophia knows. Being the baby in a family with three children, and having two older brothers. There’s a difference when you do, and the protectiveness is strong depending on the closeness and the love there. And though she is really close with her siblings, Arthur and Morgana are the two closest siblings that she’s ever known. Sophia stopped herself in her thoughts, they’ll get their boys back on track yet. She concluded in her mind. Before turning back to Merlin. “And preferably Arthur, because you wouldn't want to hear Will’s criticisms the entire time. Arthur, knows how to handle you better.”

 

Will was nodding in agreement with everything, before Sophia got to that second to last sentence. “Hey! I didn't criticize him. I was merely telling Merls the truth. Somebody has to. Arthur won’t want to say anything to Merlin that would hurt him. And where would that leave Merls? Continuing to make the same mistakes that’s where.” Will huffed. He and Merls are like brothers, it’s how they communicate!

 

Merlin chuckled. Because Sophia was so right. Even though he loved Will. He could do without always being told he’s wrong sometimes. Even if he is wrong. But in the same token, Will does give it to him straight where he knows most will try to play nice. And no, Arthur wouldn't want to hurt him. Which is why it took him to have an outburst to tell him something that’s been hurting him, and apparently for a while. Which was why Arthur ran away from him instead of facing him in their flat for their first major fight when Merlin pushed on that occasion then too - when he felt Arthur distancing himself from him -  to find out what was wrong with Arthur. Before his nervous breakdown. Having time to look back and to reflect is allowing him to see that. Even though he can appreciate the niceness too. The only problem with the niceness is that it may not help him to see what he needs to see right now. Which ends up getting him reactions like he’s been receiving from Arthur for missing things he should have seen. There’s still things he could go without facing. And if he can avoid facing it because everything seems good and well, he knows that he would take the easy way out still and avoid it. As long as everyone keeps their feelings and thoughts to themselves. Merlin can stay in his mental and emotional Utopia. It’s still something he knows that he has to work through - and he will - but in the mean time. It would be best for everyone to be honest with him. Nice or not. Even if he doesn't always want to hear what they have to say. Considering that it may actually help in getting Arthur back. And away from people like Mordred, and preferably, before Mordred get’s his hands on Arthur.

 

Sophia ran a hand through Will’s hair--ruffling it, before patting his head and saying, “I know love, and you have all the best intentions for your Merls.” Knowing exactly what to say and do to appease Will. After seven plus years of marriage. She was successful of course. He smiled. Before she continued. “Arthur know’s that he wasn't needed for your recovery. Well...at least, not completely. You do rely on his friendship. His support. And he is easier for you to talk to. You weren't talking to anyone really about anything aside from your psychotherapist - and small talk with either myself, Will, and Mithian - before Arthur returned. But you could recover on your own. It may be a slower process for you, but your doctor has said that you could. Arthur however, didn't know that at the time he made these arrangements. But it didn't matter once he did, because he wasn't going to delay your recovery either for the sake of his own so he continued with his plans to take you away. To get you out of your morbid environment you created for yourself at your flat. To get you out of there, since you weren't seeming to leave at all with the exception of going to your psychotherapy appointments. You weren't even going to the grocery store. Will was going for you.” Sophia chided, while raising a brow at Merlin. “And despite how it’s delayed his recovery, in spite of everything that’s happened, look at you now. You look like you're doing better, you seem like you are in more control again, and you seem to be paying more attention to what’s going on around you. To things you neglected to see before. And those are just the obvious signs. I don’t know what else. Arthur probably knows. But just looking at you, one would have to say that Arthur made the right decision where you’re concerned.” Sophia smiled. It may not have helped Arthur himself, but he did what he set out to do in helping Merlin. And it worked.

 

Now all they have to do is focus on getting Arthur better too - and getting Mordred out of the way - paving the way for Merlin to properly go after his man. Because those last three parts are going to be the most difficult. She could read that in Mordred in their two meetings. She doesn't think anyone else Arthur ‘chooses’ to date will have the same impact - no matter who Morgana, Freya, and even Gwen throws Arthur’s way (she’s been listening. She knows there’s plans in the works). Because Arthur was vulnerable at the time when he first met Mordred, broken  - they had things in common - and they hit it off as friends.

 

Only for Arthur to be pushed into dating now, while he was still vulnerable and susceptible to it - hoping for Arthur to be pushed into going on the rebound to forget about Merlin - because he actually did like Mordred as a good friend, and found Mordred attractive - but there was just something about Mordred to her. He didn't seem like someone who would be giving up very easily. She would have to pay more attention. But once they did accomplish those last three things... Everything would be back set to rights again. And hopefully, life could go back to normal putting these past seven years behind them. Along with Merlin’s past too. Sophia thought to herself. And they all will be able to breathe again. Maybe not look back and laugh. But just...breathe. Because despite it all, everyone wanted Merlin and Arthur to be together. As long as Merlin didn't hurt Arthur. And as long as Merlin was sure of what he wanted. (There was never a question about Arthur’s love for Merlin or if he would hurt him.) And now, the same thing, but in addition to them both being healthy first. Which was why they weren't taking sides and was trying to work on supporting them both. Even if they had to throw crater sized clues Merlin’s way for him to know what to do. Even Morgana only wants for Arthur to be happy and healthy. If she sees that he is she’ll loosen the strings.

 

Merlin couldn't deny that he was feeling more like himself again, but in a different way, because he really is feeling everything around him now - not that feeling everything is always a good thing, mind. But neither is blocking everything off either. Because in doing so it doesn't allow to you to heal. Nor does it allow you to see what needs to be seen. Merlin understands this now - and that...is a good thing. It feels good to have that sense of knowing. To feel. It feels good to talk about things too. To get things off of your chest. After the pain. Merlin only wished he could have spoken to Arthur about the things they talked about years ago. Instead of keeping it all to himself. He almost wished he could done that then. Almost. But he couldn't turn back the hands of time now. He closed himself off a long time ago for a reason, and closing off those feelings for Arthur was done piece by piece, and it was the final thing that he did to seal himself off. Not realizing that he was sealing his own fate in the process.

 

Merlin shook his head. He has a condition. Though some of his actions was his own and inexcusable. He knows this. He’s made mistakes. He may have been a dick. He messed up. But he wasn't irredeemable! It couldn't be enough to lose what he and Arthur have together. It couldn't be unforgivable! Not when Arthur so clearly loves him too! Everything Arthur’s done has shown just how much he loves him, even further back than the seven years. In hindsight, Merlin could see this now. Even if Arthur doesn't want to admit it to himself right now. Even though Arthur doesn't want to tell him everything. He can’t give up on himself now! Merlin may have lost the battle but he was not going to lose the war. Merlin, refuses to. He sighed inwardly, before shaking himself out of his thoughts. Because it was not going to be over between them. “Yes, I am doing a lot better. I feel a lot better too. But it doesn't exactly change things right now does it?” It doesn't give him Arthur, now. He wasn't expecting it to be a catwalk, but he wasn't expecting for it to be this difficult either. He only expected the battle - a scrimmage even - but not a war. He expected Arthur to believe him. To accept him. And for them to be together by now. And a whole hell of a lot sooner. Like when Arthur returned from the resort sooner, with no Mordred or anyone else in between. But Merlin’s guesses that why a war can sometimes take years to win. We can’t all always have what we want just because we want it as so. And it’s not only his decision to make now is it? No matter how much he would like it to be.

 

“How is it not changing things right now?” Will asked, looking at Merlin, wondering what he meant to imply by his statement.

 

And just the thought of Mordred with Arthur again sent a flash of jealousy through Merlin. Fortunately, Arthur’s at the lake and unable to hear him. “It doesn't make a difference because one of the major reasons why I put myself through all of this was for Arthur and I to be together and yet, he’s dating Mordred.”

 

Sophia thought it wasn't necessary to state that obvious here. “He’s not exactly dating Mordred out of choice, Merlin.” Everyone knows Arthur wouldn't have been dating anyone else if he didn't have to. He doesn't have a choice. And he has to date people he would actually consider a prospect, and not someone at random, forcing him to make a real effort. Which helps him in loosening his dependency while gaining back his identity back.

 

“He’s dating Mordred because he likes him.” Merlin countered. He knows like when he sees it and Arthur does like Mordred. Just not on the same level as Mordred ‘likes’ him. Mordred, wants it all.

 

Will was getting it now. Even if it took longer for him than Soph to get it. He thought as he turned to his wife briefly before looking back at Merls. “He’s dating Mordred yes, because he was someone that Arthur felt he could date - because Mordred asked him out first - and because he has to date while recovering. Not to mention the fact that Nimueh, wouldn't have accepted just anyone for him to date. Especially if Arthur’s agreed to go on one date a week with you as well. She enforced a rule when she altered his recovery plan to fit you in it for Arthur to choose viable options, and not some random blokes that he had no hope to like. Morgana said Nimueh stressed this saying something about it defeating the purpose and it leaving Arthur right where he started in the beginning of this.” Will shrugged and grabbed a chip. “Basically, he would date someone, hate them, not feel a connection, run back to you, and still have his problems. His depression wouldn't go away based on that. Neither would have dependency and identity issues either. He needs to do everything by the book. Especially since she’s had to alter it to include you too.”

 

“That was before though wasn't it, when he was being treated for depression based on an unrequited love? He knows that I love him. Shouldn't the treatment at least fall into place with that?” Merlin couldn't help it. The dating was still bothering him. But at least he managed to get to Arthur to agree that he didn't have to be present to see any of it. It didn't quite make a difference though with Merlin still being aware that the dating was still happening. What if they did something else?! Merlin knows all too well what happens on dates. And it’s not ‘just’ a date.

 

Will took a big swig of his beer. “Nimueh knows that you claim to love Arthur now.” Will answered smoothly.

 

Merlin glared. “I don’t claim to love him Will, I actually do love him.” Merlin was getting really tired of everyone questioning his love for Arthur. And whether or not he loved Arthur for the right reasons. He understood why Arthur would question it, even though he didn't like it either, but everyone else...it’s not something he should have to prove to everyone else. It was a matter between him and Arthur. He couldn't tell that to Will though. He doubted he could tell that to Morgana either. Because it wouldn't make a difference.

 

Will shrugged, but held up a hand to placate his friend, as he watched Merlin’s expression turn defensive, and then resigned. “I know that, Merlin. You don’t have to sell it to me. Nor do you have to defend yourself. Nimueh is still following the recovery process as planned based on Arthur’s present condition. There was too much damage done. And he still has a major amount of weight to gain. He has done better than where he started, mind. He’s gained a lot with Morgana helping him and you've what? Been helping for the past week?”

 

Merlin nodded.

 

“Well, he had twenty-eight pounds to gain, but before that his total was to gain thirty-five pounds.”

 

Merlin’s eyes widened. His mouth opened. Stunned.

 

“Didn't think you knew that.” Will looked at his friend. “That’s why Morgana's been stressing out. He went from thirty-five to twenty-eight, and now to I think she said fifteen more pounds, but that he’s still struggling.”

 

“How could it have gotten that bad?” Merlin whispered more to himself. His eyes watered a little before he shook himself out of it. He’s cried enough over the past several weeks. He wouldn't now if he could help it.

 

Sophia took a chip before attempting to explain. “It got that bad because he hid it well under his clothes. His face is smaller, but it doesn't show as much as it does in his body. Even though he still broad shouldered. And he’s still works out so it was a good camouflage if you weren't watching him. And I think he has padding that he wears too when it gets too bad. He’s had to hide it from his father.” Sophia finished, thinking about everything she’s picked up from Morgana over the years while she was stressed and worried about Arthur.

 

Merlin’s brows rose. Everything about what Sophia said threw him for a loop. But there was one sentence that stumped him. His jaw dropped. “Uther doesn't know?”

 

She shook her head. Being present for all the talks. “No, Arthur is deathly afraid of him finding out. Like, to the state of panic, afraid. Something about him being locked away in the Pendragon mansion and his father wanting to keep watch over him twenty-four hours a day or something. You know he’s always been overprotective of them. Wanting to see them every few weeks. And how he likes to be involved in their lives, like any parent would.” Sophia shrugged. “Arthur never wanted his father to know and he would probably hate Morgana for life if she ever told him. Which was why she hasn't. Not that she hasn't thought about it, we've all tried to convince her over the years that the best solution was to get their father involved to help - it’s been hard on her these past few years, and it nearly broke her with Arthur’s breakdown - but somethings always stopped her from doing it.”

 

“I just…” Merlin swallowed. “I just assumed he would know.” Arthur never mentioned that. But Arthur’s been more concerned about him than himself. Though on some level Merlin is aware that Arthur said that he would be there in support of him. That he would help him get better. That Arthur himself will take the time that he needs to make the choices that he needed to make--because without being healthy he couldn't make that choice right now. Meaning, they would be talking about him, and not Arthur. Arthur wasn't meeting Merlin for himself so he wasn't putting himself out there - he probably felt burned already, not wanting to risk - leaving himself anymore raw and vulnerable than he already was. Arthur wouldn't place himself first anyway, because he wouldn't want to hurt him. Which means, Arthur wouldn't have even said anything about him feeling as though Merlin didn't care about him, or that he didn't feel like he was supporting his recovery if, Merlin hadn't pushed him multiple times first. Apparently pushing him to his limit. Arthur was trying to rein himself in as much as possible to help Merlin, while still trying to follow his doctor’s orders when it came to keeping some distance. Keeping the mental and emotional distance is more like it in this case, while attempting to reassure Merlin at the same time that he wasn't forgotten. That Arthur wouldn't leave him alone.

 

A very best mate thing to do. If they weren't in love.

 

But it’s also bigger than that. Arthur, is aware that Merlin’s recovery requires him to open up. That doing it in psychotherapy isn't enough. That he needs to process things outside of psychotherapy too. Which is why the focus has been for him to communicate, even though Merlin would prefer to deter the conversation back to Arthur. But what does he choose to talk about when the subject does go back to Arthur? Arthur’s love life, their relationship, their dating, but nothing personal, about Arthur himself. Nothing personal on how everything’s been affecting Arthur. Or about Arthur’s life itself. Merlin’s only chosen to talk about things that have an affect on him personally. Maybe that’s why Arthur thinks he hasn't been supportive, Merlin thought to himself. Maybe there’s a lot of things that he’s missed because of that too. Maybe there’s a lot of things that Arthur hasn't mentioned unless he get’s too overwhelmed to hold it in. Which is probably his fault, Merlin thought to himself. Him been emotionally unavailable for so long, Arthur probably felt like he couldn't come to him. And Merlin hadn't even bothered to take the time to try to reconnect with Arthur on a personal level that had nothing to do with Arthur’s recovery, but Arthur himself. His best friend, and the man he’s in love with.

 

They started drifting apart before Arthur’s breakdown. Even though Arthur was still physically present. He started to check out mentally. And if Merlin had to strain to think back, Arthur was trying to distance himself long before. Probably around the time that Robert left. If Merlin really had to pinpoint it. But Merlin didn't notice because he was too busy on his quest to find Mr. Right. And then Merlin turned around and went straight to wanting Arthur to be with him once he discovered his own feelings. Merlin swallowed hard, admonishing himself. In thinking of it that way, Arthur may not have been so inclined to open up (or to rush into a relationship for that matter). Why would he? And considering all of the missed signs - and everything that’s happened between them - he’s probably thinking that Merlin wouldn't understand or that he wouldn't care to know. Merlin’s chest tightened at the thought. Merlin raised his left hand to run his fingers through his hair. And groaned inwardly. There’s more that he’s missing here. He sighed. “They are all so close to each other, Uther would want to know.” Merlin knew this for a fact. He practically lived with Arthur and Morgana when he moved from Ealdor. Until he actually did live with Arthur. He remembered a good bit. Morgana treating him like an adopted little brother to spoil, Arthur as his best and closest friend. He’s been around long enough to see things, even if he neglected to pay enough attention to all of it in detail. Uther may have hated him, but there was never a question of whether or not he loved his children. Because he does. And he would want to know if either of them were sick.

 

“Oh, he would want to know.” Will chimed in. Unaware of Merlin’s thoughts. “But Arthur doesn't want him to know so he’s been doing everything humanly possible to stop that from coming to pass while keeping up pretenses at work. And making his required visits too. Leon’s been helping Arthur with that at work. While Morgana has been covering all other fronts. Along with giving Arthur a place to stay when he was unable to stay at your flat.” The unsaid, “when you were shagging too loud, or he was too depressed for him to bear it,” was still in the air.

 

Merlin was starting to get some idea of how that must have felt for Arthur. Though he doubted he would ever get the full picture. Nor would he have been able to handle it, if he did. He was a little more possessive than that. And he didn't like to share. On some level, Merlin is aware that neither does Arthur. He kept Merlin to himself for years before Merlin started actively dating. Even if Arthur didn't express it. Even if he didn't put a voice to his feelings - as he watched Merlin actively date throughout the years - he would have been upset. And he would have felt hurt. Jealous even. Which would explain why he couldn't stay at their flat for every encounter. The two of them just handle things a whole lot differently. And Merlin, has none of the restraint that Arthur has. His handling would have been kicking those blokes out of their flat, and telling Arthur the truth - on Arthur’s first date. There would be no shagging to overhear. Except for their own.

 

Because just as how it happened - on the day that his emotions were no longer blocked - on the day Merlin discovered his feelings...so would Arthur. Merlin wouldn't have been able to stand by and watch Arthur actively date if things were in reverse, and Merlin’s mental state then was what it is now. Merlin doesn't understand how Arthur managed to hold hold it together. A little voice in his head told him that this was partly why Arthur’s in the state that he’s in now. Because he tried to hold it all in. For far too long. Instead of letting it all out. Merlin swallowed around the knot in his throat. Because he’s been a horrible friend to miss so many things. And there had to be signs even earlier on of Arthur falling into depression, when Arthur was mainly around him. Before he started spending nights at Morgana's. Before Arthur’s depression was smacked in everyone’s faces for them to see. Merlin closed his eyes, “I didn't know.”

 

“Well, you didn't know about his condition either, Merlin. The only reason why we know what we do is because we've all pulled together over the years in trying to help Arthur get better. While trying to get him to either tell you his feelings or to move on. And not just spiritually but out of your flat too. We've been trying to keep him from falling deeper into his depression.” She paused. “He’s had it bad for you, Merlin. And I've never seen so many grand gestures of love and affection being not being received in my entire life until I saw how many efforts Arthur’s made in trying to show you his feelings. And it not being returned. I’m not even going to go into detail, because it was heartbreaking and painful to watch. Especially when we’d see other blokes batting their eyelashes at you in the next instance and you’d be gone, immediately picking up on their messages.” Sophia took a sip of her beer. “We all on some level thought you were intentionally ignoring all of the signs, some of us thought you were just insensitive to Arthur’s feelings--cruel even, while the rest of us thought you were too wrapped up in your own life to notice. But Arthur didn't want to give up, still seeing something in you, so we all worked to help in showing you the signs, and giving you massive hints that we thought not even you could miss.”  The unsaid, “We were wrong,” was hanging out there. With no judgment, but unsaid just the same.

 

Merlin chewed his inner cheek in thought. He didn't know what to say about the signs. Thinking from Arthur’s side would only hurt too much so he put those thoughts aside. Something he would revisit later. Something he would have to revisit later if, he wanted to understand some of Arthur’s distance.“Well, that explains some of Morgana's protectiveness - even if she’s going overboard in keeping Arthur away from me - but it doesn't explain why Arthur still has to date.” And Merlin really couldn't help it. He knows he sounds possessive. But he couldn't get over the fact that Arthur was going to have to date Mordred or anyone else for that matter. He understands the whole recovery process but really...there has to be a loophole! Why does Arthur have to date?! And maybe this wouldn't be as bad...well, Merlin knows it wouldn't have been this bad - he wouldn't have even cared. It wouldn't have been a thought - if, it was anyone but Arthur he was dealing with here. But it is Arthur! And on top of that he’s never been in love before - regardless of what Arthur thinks of Robert. The feelings were there but it didn't even come close to the love he feels for Arthur, not even close - and with all of his emotions going so strong right now, all he wants to do is take Arthur and truly make him his in every sense of the word. And not have to wait for this entire process to end. And Merlin’s blood started to boil just thinking about it all. He swallowed hard. He had to stop. He had to focus. But there had to be a loophole!

 

Will had no idea what Merlin was thinking of when his face turned red - his eyes darkened, and he clenched his jaw - but he knows where Merls is leading in his questions and comments, because he’s heard it all before. From day one of when Arthur came back with his treatment process outlined. The only problem  - something  Merlin doesn't seem to understand or want to understand - is that Arthur’s recovery process can’t be altered anymore. That it’s set in stone. It was altered enough when Merlin was added to it. When he pushed for the dates. Along with their trip to the lake-house (Arthur’s idea, but for Merlin’s benefit. It was what Merlin needed), their two-hour a day meetings, and their thirty minute phone calls each night. Nimueh, was not going to budge anymore.

 

Will sighed, because he knew that this was not going to end where Merlin was concerned. But on a good note, he’s never seen Merls this fixated on anyone that he’s claimed to like over the years. He probably just doesn't know what to do with all of those pent up feelings since he can’t have Arthur to himself, Will thought. Merlin is used to getting what he wants. He has had it difficult with his childhood, and with the bullying, but on another level...since he blocked himself off…in the process of it...Merlin, has become quite adept in getting everything that he wants. He didn't know that he wanted Arthur then fully (and when did, he turned his feelings away from it). But in the process of all of that, throughout their entire friendship, Arthur, has always given him what he wanted. Even when Merlin hadn't asked for it. Somehow Arthur would always know what Merlin needed and he would give it to him. Arthur still does it. Sees Merlin’s needs ahead of time and answers them. Even down to what Merlin needed for his recovery. It’s all of those years of studying Merlin to get him to see those signs, Will thought to himself. It doesn't change the fact that Merlin’s spoiled though. Nor does it change the fact that Merlin’s used to getting what he wants from Arthur.

 

This is the one time where Arthur hasn't been able to follow through out of thirteen years due to his health, and Merls doesn't quite know what to do with himself because of it. Maybe some of this might actually help him to understand what Arthur’s had to deal with too. Because even once Arthur recovers - and they will all make sure that he does too. That’s the only way everything can be set right again. They both have to be healthy. Then they could lock the two in a room or something to make them work it out - Merls has to consider that there was a lot of damage done there. A lot of scar tissue that needs to be healed. It’s not all of Merls’ fault. But when you love someone it’s not always about fault. It’s about what needs to be done to make things right. Because one can’t leave the other behind, and two can’t walk together except they be agreed. It’s a real partnership. And you don’t leave one to suffer while you yourself stays afloat. He and Soph may have met up from a one night stand that resulted in having Aries, but their marriage didn't start off as a fairy tale. They had real problems with real arguments as they fought to make it work. For each other, and for their daughter. Things don’t always work your way because you want it to work out your way. It takes work and compromise, and building. And when damage is done to the building... You work together to repair it unless you both suffer the loss.

 

Merlin blocked out his emotions. He had to relive the things of his past, the things that has affected him now, and has had to heal. But he’s dealing with his past while Arthur is dealing with his present. Deciding if he still wants to keep that part of his present, and put it in the past - even though his present hurt him in over the past seven years (and now), unbeknownst to himself - while Merlin is letting go of his past hurts because he can’t deal with his anymore (and it’s time to let it go to fully heal), leaving those parts of his life behind. Merlin has to let go of the pain of his abuse, his suffering, his past pain. There is no benefit in keeping any of it. Arthur’s been hurt by Merlin but he loves him. And there is a benefit to keeping Merlin in his life. Different situations between them. Extremely different. However it doesn't mean that they don’t both still have their own demons that they've had to face. And while Merlin is getting better. And Will loves to see that. A better and full of emotions Merls. It’s clear as day that Arthur is still struggling. He has to recover. Something Merlin hasn't fully understood yet. No matter how much everyone has tried to explain it to him. He’s seeing more, but he’s still not seeing past how it’s affecting him too. Which at some point he will have to, if he wants Arthur to get better, because the stress is not good for him. Will shook his head. He had to shake out of it. He had to focus on the topic at hand. Because there were still some things that Merls needed to know. “Where Morgana's concerned, she blames herself for a lot of what’s happened with Arthur. She blames you too mind you, for not being a good friend. She’s taken your condition into consideration too though, and she says her heart goes out to you. And she was upset too, when she heard about everything. I was there for the bullying part because I told her with the rest of the lot. What happened that I saw anyway, since you lied about the rest.” Will glared at Merlin in accusation.

 

Merlin felt like he’d been lectured enough for the moment. His expression was unperturbed.

 

Will rolled his eyes before continuing.“But in the same right she’s been the one watching Arthur suffer for all of this time. She blames you for missing what was going on with him while Arthur spent the most of his time with you - while you said you cared for him - and for you putting yourself first always without thought of Arthur. Something that he doesn't know how to do in return for you. Because he loves you too much.” Will raised his hands, Merlin had a look of rage starting there. “Her words, not mine.” Will waited for Merlin to calm down. “Besides, she’s not that far off the mark there, Merls. You yourself have to admit that. In fact, you have admitted that. You said the same things she’s blaming you for. You've blamed yourself for it.” Which means Merlin’s only mad at her for making sure that Arthur follows through with his recovery process. And Morgana's only doing it because Arthur won’t make those choices on his own. Arthur would place Merlin before him first, every time. Which means, the only thing that’s stopping Arthur from doing that now, from running to Merlin...is Morgana. And Merlin’s mad at her because he can’t go through her or around her to get to Arthur himself until Arthur has recovered. Will had to mentally give himself a pat on the back for his deductions.

 

Merlin couldn't disagree with that. He really couldn't. She was right. Then. He’s changing. Now. What he’s really upset about where Morgana is concerned is the fact that she won’t allow him and Arthur to work their problems out. That she keeps trying her best to keep Arthur away from him, and in the meanwhile she keeps trying her best to send Arthur to Mordred. Every date Arthur’s had with Mordred has been encouraged by her. Suggested by her. And not by Arthur. Arthur’s said as much himself. Though, not as candidly. And keeping Arthur away from his is one thing. Steering Arthur into someone else’s available arms - who you know wants a piece of Arthur - is another. Because that goes far beyond his recovery. That goes into helping Arthur move on, with someone else. Instead of helping him make a choice of what he wants for himself. That’s the part that’s really getting to him. And he doesn't know what it’s like to have a sibling. Will is the closest thing to a sibling that he’s going to ever have and yes, he is very protective of Will too (he would probably be very angry if Sophia hurt him). He loves him fiercely. And Merlin knows good and well how close Morgana and Arthur are but...couldn't she give him a chance to make it right? It’s not like she doesn't know him. She even knows where he lives. She could beat him up if he hurts Arthur again. And yes, he messed up. But he wants to do something about it now. He needs to. Can’t there be some middle-ground here? Because dancing everyone in Arthur’s face without giving him time to decide what to do doesn't help what’s going on between them at all. And whether Arthur wants to admit it or not. There is something going on between them. Even though he sees Arthur trying to distance himself away from it. Merlin shook his head. It only made him frustrated. He understands her points. He just wished she could understand some of his too. Because they all want the same thing. To make Arthur happy and healthy again. Don’t they?

 

And on some level, Merlin recognizes how unreasonable he’s being too. And not Morgana. That on some level he’s thinking about himself, and not Arthur (which is probably part of the reason Morgana's acting the way that she is). And on some level, another part of the reason Morgana is acting the way that she has been is because she is afraid for her Arthur, and because she’s seen a lot more than Merlin himself has allowed himself to see over the years, which is why he probably doesn't understand. On some level he realizes that he’s been pressuring Arthur. That it’s unfair of him to expect everything to fall into place now, because he all of a sudden told Arthur his feelings. That it’s unfair, to expect for Arthur to  fall in step with him, because he himself is now in touch with his emotions. Because. Really? How fair is that to Arthur? What time did that really give him to decide on what he wanted to do? And according to everyone Arthur is constantly placing him first, without thought to himself. If that were Will would he stand aside and do nothing? Or would he make sure that Will had all of his options available, and made sure that he was healthy enough to make the choice for himself? Merlin knows the answer to that. He just doesn't want to admit it to himself. Because that would mean that he was wrong in his feelings towards Morgana. And that would mean that he was wrong in his pressuring of Arthur. And he wasn't ready to admit to any of those things yet. And even if he was wrong. He wasn't completely wrong. There was still some points where he knew he was right too. He and Arthur would not be able to work things out with all of the outside interference. They have to work it out on their own. He’s not wrong about that. He’s only wrong in how he’s going about making that happen. And interfering with Arthur’s recovery. But again, Merlin will stand by the consequences of those actions. If that means he can be with Arthur in the end. He can’t step completely aside while Arthur walks completely out of his life. He has to fight. A war can’t be won against two countries when one country steps aside. It’s not a war then. That’s like waving a white flag in surrender. And Merlin is not going to give up Arthur, without a fight. Even if he may have to change some of his tactics first to win the war.

 

Will rambled on unaware of Merlin’s intense thoughts. “But just the same. She’s doesn't seem as mad at you as she was before though. But she still feels like you put yourself first. Except for when you volunteered to help make sure that Arthur gained weight. I think you gained some points there. That was the first time that she saw you give some effort or show some support in years, she said. Where it actually looked like you were concerned about Arthur’s well being. She thinks you and Arthur aren't very balanced in that way. And you know how Morgana is.” “Actions speak louder than words.” “And all.” Will shrugged. “But anyway. She still blames herself too. She probably will never let herself off the hook even when she forgives you. She blames herself because she doesn't think that she noticed the signs of Arthur’s depression quick enough, and because she didn't force him to move out of your flat. She also blames herself for not getting him the help that he needed sooner, despite, Arthur’s protest in saying that he didn't need to see a therapist. She thinks if she was able to get him away from you earlier, none of this would have happened. Well, at least, it wouldn't have been as bad. Arthur would have still been in love with you though. Those feelings were already there way before the depression. There was no stopping that.” Will started, before Sophia picked it up.

 

“And as far as the dating, Arthur has no choice in the matter. Technically, if Morgana wanted to do anything she could have gotten their father on board with Nimueh to declare Arthur unfit. At least for right now. He’s been a danger to himself for a while with not eating, the weight loss, and the thoughts of suicide.” Sophia said while taking a chip. “It wouldn't have been a lot that they needed to do or add to make that happen. Arthur has to follow along with his recovery as planned. Not just for those reasons but because he truly needs the help. You didn't notice him getting sick Merlin but he was getting sick. And since he was with you the majority of the time no one paid as heavily as much attention there. Which meant it was going on a lot longer than we realized. But Morgana started noticing the signs of the weight loss, and she made a point to hug him all of the time to feel that out. She then started making it a point of making sure he ate in front of her. Which is how she noticed that problem too. And after that, she and Gwaine got him drunk enough to spill and that’s when they found out how far off the deep end he was. And it only got worse after you dated that Robert bloke. It’s not your fault mind you,” Sophia said quickly. “But the signs were clear as to why Arthur was getting sick even before he actually started showing the major signs of it.” Sophia spoke low as though she was trying to keep a secret.

 

Merlin couldn't help but think that she was. He looked around the kitchen to make sure that only the three of them were present. Before raising a brow. “How do you all know about all of this, and not me?” Because really? Will and Sophia were a walking and talking Encyclopedia of information in all things Pendragon. And Merlin’s the one who spent the most time with them. That really does say just how much he’s missed over the years.

 

Will looked at his friend like there were a few screws loose upstairs. “First of all, she needed help. She couldn't be there for Arthur all of the time and he had already started to withdraw from everyone. Even if we didn't notice at first. He was present physically for everything but he really wasn't there, and then he started making excuses for not being able to come out as much. She needed everyone to be on board. To support him and to help because it wasn't like he was going to move out and away from you. That was what she wanted but you were still his best friend first and foremost. He didn't want to leave you like that. And he knew if he did, he would have to explain because you wouldn't have settled for nothing less.”

 

“And then she wanted him to tell you the truth. Over and over again. We all tried that, but he had his reasons as to why he couldn't tell you, and on top of that, he didn't want your pity. But he gave you all of the signs - he tried to tell you, saying everything but he loved you - and we even tried to tell you while giving you signs too. You didn't need signs for all those other blokes. And yet, you missed all of Arthur’s and our signs to boot. But of course we didn't know then what we know now.” Sophia shrugged. “And since his condition was centered around you, we couldn't exactly tell you anything, not without telling you everything, and Arthur didn't want you to know the everything part of it. And we were sworn to secrecy for the everything part of it. And let’s face it, out of all of us - including Morgana - if there was anyone who had the most opportunity to have been able to notice the changes it would have been you. So we couldn't focus on that. It wasn't affecting you directly, you were so still content in your life, and it was Arthur’s choice to make in not wanting to tell you everything. We had to all work together to try, to  help him, as he dealt with the consequences of those choices.”

 

“It’s not like he doesn't know how I feel for him now?” Merlin said sullenly. He couldn't find himself to be angry at Arthur for not wanting to tell him, for whatever his reasoning, when he pretty much made his own decision in blocking off his feelings for Arthur in the first place. If he was stronger then, they wouldn't have had to face this now. And Arthur’s seven years would have never happened. And neither would his present torment. It didn't matter who was to blame between them. They needed to work on the now, instead of the decisions and mistakes that were made in the past. He would have liked, for Arthur to have told him, but he would be foolish not to think that Arthur wasn't having similar feelings on the same level in regards to him. Especially, since he intentionally decided to close those feelings off on his own, without any signs of showing Arthur how he felt, to see where his feelings may have led between them. There’s no place for blame anymore, when blame isn't going to fix things now.

 

“No, it’s not. But just because you know all of a sudden what you want now doesn't mean that those years didn't happen for Arthur, Merlin. There’s no way he can erase all of that or even not be remotely bitter. I don’t care how good he is.” Sophia responded. “And you want him to go on as if nothing has ever happened since you had reasons for why you never noticed anything that’s happened to him, and since you want him now. Now I’m pretty sure Arthur would have done exactly what you wanted on that front if this happened before his meltdown. But I think that was a wake up call for him. And remembering that meltdown, knowing everything he has to do to get better - and what’s at stake - is probably why he hasn't been rushing to decide anything as of yet. That, and his recovery.”

 

And Merlin didn't know what to say about all of the information that he received. It was overwhelming, but again, probably something that he wouldn't have heard about Arthur any other way. Even if it’s his own fault. Because a lot of things Will and Sophia gathered in information was based on what they've observed over the years. While Merlin was present, but completely oblivious as to what was happening around him if he was the last to know while worrying about his own love life, leaving his friend to suffer on his own. His best friend at that. That part didn't have anything to do with their relationship, but everything to do with their friendship and Arthur believed in being friends first before anything else, and Merlin proved that he couldn't be trusted with that title. He didn't need for Arthur to tell him that. And he wouldn't worry about it either because Arthur would never tell him that anyway. Because, all things considered, Arthur’s not going to want to tell him anything that’s going to hurt him. But just because Arthur doesn't want to tell him that he’s hurt him, that doesn't make it right. Merlin groaned inwardly. “What, am I going to do?” Merlin’s forehead hit the island table a few times. Merlin hoped to knock some sense into his own head while deciding what to do next.

 

Will raised a brow. “We’re back to that question again?”

 

Merlin glared at Will, “Yes, we’re back to that question again. How am I going to get Arthur back and away from Mordred? How am I going to make all of this right.

 

“Merlin, I think the best way to accomplish that is to help get Arthur healthy again. Follow through with his recovery plan. Show that you’re not the same person who’s neglected him in the past, show him that you care about him. Get to know him again. On a new level. And not as you have now. He needs to see that you care. He needs to know it.” Sophia responded.

 

“But he knows that I care.” Merlin muttered.

 

“Knowing someone cares about you, and actually seeing them take the initiative are two different things, Merls. Until now, you haven’t noticed a thing that’s been going on in Arthur’s life. You didn't even notice he was in love with you. which we understand why however it hold credence to the point. That you haven’t noticed anything, nor did you notice how ill he was. How ill he is. Show him the side of you who’s attentive to his needs too. Like Arthur’s done for you. Let him know that you will be there for him. Whatever he decides.” Will said encouragingly.

 

“And what about Mordred?”

 

“What about Mordred? No ones told you that you had to stop dating. If you are so concerned about Arthur dating you can always date--Oi!” Will screeched, bending down to rub his shin and glaring at Sophia. “What’s the matter with you?!”

 

“We want them to be together, not to keep them apart! Merlin’s dating will defeat the purpose of him saying that he’s in love with Arthur. Bringing Merlin right back to square one in his quest of winning Arthur. All Arthur’s seen of Merlin is his constant dating for the past seven years with no showing of feelings or care for him romantically. Condition or not. How would Merlin’s dating plead his case now? He’s been trying to tell Arthur that he loves him and for the right reasons. Wouldn't that make Arthur question Merlin’s so called right reasons? It’s not Arthur who has to prove himself here, it’s Merlin. Anything Arthur has to do now is for his recovery. And not by his choice. Weren't you listening?” Sophia said while glaring at Will. “If Merlin’s neglected to see everything that’s happened in Arthur’s life it would stand for reason that Arthur is questioning Merlin’s feelings for him. Which would be prompting him to reevaluate his own too. Arthur would be questioning Merlin’s love for him, their friendship, Merlin’s noticing and supporting him now, everything. He is more than likely confused. And he’s fighting all of these thoughts while being depressed at the same time. Our Merlin here, is the only one who can answer these questions for Arthur, while being the friend that doesn't miss things this time. Who will be able to comfort and support Arthur too. Arthur’s being doing all of that all along for Merlin. He’s probably measuring it all in his decision making. Merlin has to show Arthur that he’s changed, and that he loves him. It’s the only way. It’s the only thing that’s missing because Arthur already loves him.”  It’s true. Everyone knows where Arthur stands. Whether he has to date for his recovery or not. Merlin holds all of the cards. Always has. That’s why Arthur’s afraid of making a choice. Merlin has to be the one who has to show his love is real. Arthur done that. Is still doing it. The ball is in Merlin’s court. He has to set things right.

 

“It’s not for Arthur’s benefit? Merls is jealous. Maybe if he had someone too while he was waiting--”

 

“Sophia’s right.” Merlin smiled at her while interrupting Will. He knew that Will was only looking after him, knowing how active he’s been in the past, but this time, Sophia did have a point. And it wasn't anything that she said that he hasn't considered himself. Even if there were certain things that he was trying to avoid, and certain things that he hadn't said out loud. Even though Arthur hasn't told him what he was feeling himself. Aside from reassuring him that he was still in love with him. Something that Merlin feels every time that Arthur looks at him. Something that he feels every time he and Arthur kiss. Something that he feels in his heart. The love...is there. It really is the other things that’s still left in question. Which probably explains some of Arthur’s distance. Merlin sighed. “It would defeat the purpose. And it would look like I was doing it on purpose to make Arthur jealous. Like I was doing it in retaliation of him having to date for his recovery.” Merlin chewed on his inner cheek before continuing.  “The difference there would be that Arthur would be doing it for his recovery - something we established was something he had to do and doctor prescribed - while I would be doing it to satisfy basic needs. However needy that may be.”

 

Merlin stopped to glare at Will.

 

Will shrugged, unashamed. Merlin’s hasn't been without this much sex in years. He knows Merlin is probably on edge. And it wasn't like Arthur asked him not to date while he was taking the time to decide. Arthur hasn't been very imposing in Merlin’s life at all with the exception of helping Merlin to open up more. Something that Merlin was required to do for his own recovery. And something he was avoiding doing until Arthur got involved.

 

Merlin shook his head at Will, knowing what he was thinking, while admitting to himself that it was going to be difficult but it would work out in the end. If it meant that he could be with Arthur. He could go without sex for a little while. It was a small price to pay. Even if it felt like a large price now. “But it would look like I would be doing it out of revenge. To make Arthur jealous. Again not showing support for his recovery. Because I would be intentionally hurting him then. Considering the fact that I know that Arthur’s in love with me, and that he’s not dating Mordred out of revenge or spite against me. No matter how jealous I feel about that. It would be wrong to do that to Arthur. Besides, the only person who I want to be with is Arthur. That’s why I dated so many people looking for Mr. Right never to find him. It was because I've been looking for the wrong person all along. I should have went after Arthur when I felt my feelings for him originally. I was just as bad as he was in accusing him of not telling me. Except for worse, as I was the one who actually turned my feelings off, he never gave up. Me looking for someone now would be like I’m giving up again. Like I’m turning my feelings off. ” Merlin shook his head. “I’m going to fight for him. I have to show him that I’m not the same person that I was. I have to make things right between us.”

 

“Now that’s the spirit.” Sophia praised, beaming at Merlin. “That’s something we can work with.”

 

“I didn't say that he had to have a relationship. I know that Merls has been active over the--” Will’s trailed off by Sophia’s glare.

 

It was Merlin who spoke next. After chuckling first. Sophia’s the only person Merlin knows who can shut Will up. At least she only uses her powers for good, he thought to himself. “I’m not having any one-offs either. It would also defeat the purpose. And it would look like my love for Arthur wasn't for the right reasons. It would prove any believers of that, including Arthur’s doubts as right.” Merlin shook his head. “No, the next person I plan to be with - the only person I plan to be with - and the only person I ever plan to be with moving forward is Arthur. And nothing short of Arthur will do.” Merlin said determinedly. Set in his decision. That would not be changed.

 

“Well then, what are you going to do?” Will asked, while looking at Merlin.

 

Like Merlin didn't just put that question to the floor a few moments ago, while banging his head helplessly, upon the kitchen island top. The red marks still showing on his forehead to prove it.

 

Sophia rolled her eyes at them both. “Men,” she thought to herself. Before once again attempting to answer the obvious. “If you're both done, I think I have a plan.” Sophia answered for Merlin, as they all leaned in to listen to her.

 

~ * ~

 

“That still doesn't stop Mordred.” Will replied.

 

Merlin’s eyes narrowed. “This is all Morgana's fault. Arthur told me that it was Morgana's encouragement and suggestions that moved him towards inviting Mordred to Autumn’s play and to the Christmas Party. They wouldn't have even gone out if it weren't for her.”

 

Sophia grabbed another chip. “I’m not entirely in agreement with that. From what I've been able to read  from Mordred, it sounded like he liked Arthur all along, even at the resort. But he understood why Arthur was there since they talked a lot about their history. He knew Arthur was in love with you, Merlin. And he decided to wait. But he was bound to make his move, in spite of Morgana's encouragements. She only helped him in that regard. And then the night of the play, he and Arthur had plans to meet up anyway, it was some type of agreement that their group made while they were away. Mordred made a clear pass at Arthur at their dinner, and it was Mordred who asked Arthur out. He’s smooth, Merlin. You haven’t spoken to him because you hate his guts by default but he is smooth nonetheless.” And hot, she thought to herself. She may be happily married, but she wasn't blind!

 

“And Morgana only suggested for Arthur to invite Mordred to the play because she wanted to meet him for herself. She’s been very particular about who Arthur is around while recovering. Something about him not being able to take anything else right now, and having his heart broken was already taking it’s toll.” Sophia paused, taking a sip of her beer. “Now the Christmas Party, that was Morgana's doing. She said Arthur would continue to be dependent on you if he didn't break out of his normal routines. She also noticed that Arthur had taken a liking to Mordred, which made it easier to get Arthur to go along with dating Mordred, while still following through with his recovery. She’s been encouraging it because it’s for Arthur recovery, and she knows Arthur wouldn't have rushed into the dating part of his recovery process because he wouldn't want to hurt you. If he wouldn't try to avoid it at all. It was easy, once she found someone Arthur could possibly like for more. Someone he actually had befriended and could constitute as meeting someone new.”

 

“She’s only doing that to keep him away from me.” Merlin replied, with a groan.

 

“Do you really think that’s all there is, Merlin? Like she’s sitting around on a throne, plotting on ways to harm and destroy you? Like she’s plotting on ways to separate you from Arthur, to take him away from you?” Sophia shook her head. “You weren't there when she watched Arthur fall apart. You weren't there, and when you were you still missed seeing what needed to be seen. Even now. No ones blaming you for it, but the truth remains the same. And she knows he fell apart because of his love for you. She watched his love take him on a self-destructive path. So no, she’s not in a rush to put him back on that path while he is still suffering from depression. While he would still give you everything, including himself. While you would still accept everything from him, including Arthur himself, knowing that he is not in the right frame of mind to make that choice. No, she wouldn't send him out there. Not until she knows that he is healthy, suited, and armored for his own protection. She’s seen him go to meet with you with intentions in mind, only to come back each time following what you've asked of him to do or to accept, even at the detriment of his own health. That tells her that he is not completely ready to be entirely at your mercy.

 

Because she knows that he’s in love with you. And you know what, Merlin. Despite everything that she’s done to protect Arthur, from you as you say, Morgana has never encouraged Arthur to fall out of love with you since his breakdown. She knows he’s vulnerable, and she hasn't encouraged any life altering decisions. Leaving him to make those decisions for himself once he’s recovered. She’s only been encouraging what he needs to do for his recovery. Being an ear to listen, and a sister for encouragement when Arthur needs for her to be. She’s taken his doctor’s orders to heart, Merlin. So yes, if Arthur’s doctor is prescribing Arthur’s distance from you, for him to date, for him to meet new people, and for him to move away from you and out of your flat. Than she is doing everything in her power to make it happen if that’s what it takes for Arthur to get well again. It has nothing to do with you on the grand scheme of things. Even if you think it does. Even if it’s affecting you, or sidelining your plans in Arthur being with you right now.”

 

On some level, Merlin understands this. It doesn't quite stop him from seeing Morgana as the obstacle,  standing in the way between him and Arthur though. It doesn't stop him from feeling hurt about it. Like Morgana refuses to give him a chance to make things right, and is attempting to keep Arthur away from him. Permanently. He shook himself out of it because he needed to hear the rest. Because it was obvious that he’s still been missing things. That there are still some things that he hasn't faced yet that is preventing him from seeing the whole picture. And Merlin understood it for it was. Because it all went back to his fear of losing Arthur. And his thoughts in thinking that he wasn't good enough for him. Morgana's interference is a reminder of that. That she doesn't see him as good enough for her brother. Even if that isn't the case, the thoughts are still there. Just like it is for Uther. And their influence over Arthur doesn't ease his tensions there. Doesn't take away the feeling that Arthur may not end up feeling the same way. Something else he wasn't quite ready to deal with yet in his thoughts.

 

“And she only wants him not to always place you first, before himself. Something any sibling would say or friend for that matter if they saw what Arthur went through. If they wanted him really see him get better. She wants him not to always place you first, she wants him to be healthy again, and she wants for him to make sound judgments of his own accord without always considering your needs first. If she doesn't feel like he can do that for himself then of course she wouldn't be so keen on sending him back to the lion’s den, to the very same person who has such strong control over her brother. To the very one who Arthur would give himself to. To the very one who doesn't know how to balance himself yet either - not understanding how much control he has - to not allow Arthur from always placing him first between them. Because he himself is use to the treatment and use to getting what he wants. Of course she wouldn't want Arthur to be around someone who up until now hasn't, been keeping Arthur’s best interest at heart in her eyes. Even going against her own brother’s recovery.” She raised her hand to stop Merlin and Will from speaking. “I’m not saying that all of her actions have been fair, but you have to see that it’s coming from a place to protect her brother. And not so much as a direct target against you. And until she sees that Arthur will not be placed in that predicament in your every encounter, she may not be on your side, as you say it, in being so free with letting Arthur be around you. Not if she thinks he’ll still give up a kidney, or a liver for you, and you’d still accept it without concern of how it will affect Arthur.

 

And that’s where the line is drawn between she and Arthur too, mind. He won’t stand for a plan to be made where you are completely out of his life. He knows he needs to make a decision. So he’s not completely removing himself from being around you. He knows what you've been going through and he’s not going to leave you alone without support either. And he knows that you rely on him. I’m not saying that Arthur isn't trying to hold onto you too. Because he probably is. He’s in love with you of course. And even though that also works in your favor, that’s not his reason for being here for you now. He’s been trying really hard to separate those feelings to be there for you as a friend. Your friendship is key here, Merlin.” Those thirteen years of friendship isn't something one can turn their back on. And neither is seven years of being in love. Sophia thought to herself, before continuing.

 

“The control part is everything though. Arthur knows that he’s sick, Merlin. He’s been trying to keep it together as best as he’s able to, for as long as he was able to, but he knows. While making sure that he was there for you too. And to protect himself, he’s also been the one who has given Morgana control. He was starting to do that when his depression was setting in. It frightened him if I’m understanding correctly. The feeling of losing complete control. Mentally and emotionally. You overhear things you know. But Morgana didn't just take it. The control was given.  I've heard about it before. I don’t know any of the details because some of their secrets are hidden deep. I don’t even think Gwaine knows everything. I just know that if Arthur didn't allow what he did Morgana wouldn't be able to do what she’s doing now. Which may have alerted their father. They've argued, yes, but only because Morgana was going overboard out of fear of what has happened to Arthur, and what could happen. But other than that Arthur has allowed her guidance in this situation because he knows that he wasn't in the right frame of mind to make certain decisions on his own. Not after his depression got as far as it did. He needed her help. Which was another reason why he didn't want to make a choice where you were concerned yet either. And according to Morgana, Arthur was pretty clear with Mordred too that he wasn't making any decisions right now, that he was still in love with you, and that he doubted those feelings would ever change. And Mordred accepted that in order for Arthur to agree to date him. And under the understanding that it was for Arthur’s recovery. Which also gave points in her book for Mordred. Don’t think she isn't watching Mordred closely too though.”

 

“But Mordred still wanted to date Arthur anyway. And Arthur still has to date other people too.” Merlin countered. Not sure of what to think about everything Sophia said so far. It was something he would had to process on his own. It was too much. And it only reminded him of how much he’s missed again, as Arthur’s supposed best friend. Of how much he’s still missing how, as someone who declared his love.

 

“Mordred, had an in, Merlin. He and Arthur became friends while they were away, and Mordred waited his time. Not rushing anything and sticking with friendship. Mordred has also become a confidant of sorts for Arthur, and very quickly, mind you. Which fell into place quite nicely because Arthur hasn't been able to confide in you, especially when most of his thoughts and fears are about you. He’s had Morgana, but he’s not going to tell her everything either because he’s worried about worrying her too much, and he knows that she is pregnant. And he’d feel responsible if anything were to happen to her. He’s had all of us, but he wouldn't want to tell us everything either. For fear of anything going back to Morgana. Defeating the purpose of him trying to protect her to begin with. Which leaves Mordred. Who’s managed to slip himself right on in on that front quite nicely. And while you were pushing Arthur away out of jealousy, sending Arthur the cold shoulder - saying all of those negative things to anyone who might hear about Arthur's doctors orders, or Morgana keeping - his own sister - keeping him away from you - Mordred has managed to get in even more. As the only person Arthur can confide in. So he knows a lot. Even about you, Merlin. So while I know you are jealous, and that you don’t want to hear anything about Arthur’s dating, it might be wise to put that aside for now in order to know your enemies. Because Mordred likes Arthur and makes it a point to know his. And no matter how we all hate to admit it, Arthur is vulnerable right now. He’s at a perfect place to be on the rebound, and the perfect place to be accepting of the affection that he’s denied himself all of these years in his quest to have you. You learning your enemies, you setting your jealousy aside to fight for the endgame, will serve two purposes. It will help you in knowing what’s going on with Mordred - how far he and Arthur have gotten and where Arthur’s head is - and it will help you with Arthur, in him seeing that you are taking interest in something that is happening in his life. That you care to know. And that you are no longer turning a blind eye and ear to all things Arthur. Like you did when you started blocking your unwanted feelings away for him in the first place. He’ll see that you are changing. You can still be selective of what you want to hear of course. You don’t have to ask for anything rated over (M) for mature, but you need to know what’s going on, and who better to get the information from than out of the horse’s mouth himself.” Sophia said with a raised brow to Merlin. He and Will looked at each other and nodded, before Sophia continued.

 

It was obvious that Sophia paid a lot more attention of what was going on than they thought. Will was beaming at his wife. But that also meant she was paying attention to him when he was telling her everything too. He listened on proudly, as she spun all the thoughts together, including her own, to attempt to provide solutions.

 

“As far as Arthur dating other people is concerned...I don’t think you will have to worry about feeling the way that you do with anyone else that Arthur has to date, Merlin. Considering the fact that Arthur  never really actively dated to begin with. Aside from a few choice people before he fell in love with you. The rest were attempts that ended badly, in him trying to get over you. Since he didn't really want to get over you in the first place. The difference with Mordred. Arthur really was vulnerable and heart broken when he met Mordred. You may not have seen it or noticed it, but we have. Mordred helped him through a difficult time while he was away. Befriended him, and showed real interest in Arthur as a person, as well as showing him that he liked him. Arthur hasn't had any one he liked to show interest in return like that for him in years. Remember, he’s only had his sights set on you, for the past seven years, Merlin. And none of those feelings were returned until Arthur was already too far gone to accept it. Or to really believe it. Until after Arthur’s breakdown and before he was about to leave. Mordred’s gesture wasn't a gesture of last resort. It was an honest gesture. And Arthur enjoys being around him.” Sophia paused, as she watched Merlin’s crestfallen expression. “But make no mistake about it Merlin. Arthur is still in love with you. We've been around Arthur, and Morgana enough to know that. And even so, we've had to watch Arthur for the past seven years and there has been no one, that he looks at with so much love and adoration as he’s done with you. In fact, it was always there. Just held at a different regard.” Sophia took a sip of her beer. “I’m not going to say that nothing will happen with Mordred, because that maybe a lie. I think it will depend on how quickly Arthur recovers and snaps out of his vulnerable and depressed state. But his improvement on his weight gain holds promise that it will probably be sooner than you think. You will have to think about whether Arthur is worth the wait while he is recovering. What we think about that is irrelevant.” She smiled when she heard Merlin whisper that Arthur was worth it. Because she thinks he is too. “But in watching Arthur over the years, I think the rejections have taken it’s toll, which is where I think some of his vulnerability is coming from. I’m no shrink, but I know how I would feel. And even if you didn't realize Arthur’s advances for what it was, it felt like rejections all the same for him. Even we felt it as such. We felt Arthur’s pain and saw your complete disregard to it. Even when you would say that you didn't know anyone available and gay that you wanted, that you had to look further than that, while Arthur would be sitting right beside us at the time. Available and gay. It was painful to see, and painful to feel. Which is probably another reason why Arthur didn't want to come on out and tell you that he loved you. He probably wasn't prepared for the ultimate rejection. Of you blatantly being told - understanding his declaration for what it finally was - and you blatantly saying that you didn't want him. That he wasn't the one. I don’t think he could have taken that kind of rejection. At all. Not then. And I don’t think right now. Which was probably why he stuck to safer things with his signs and innuendos.

 

And now, he may want to test the waters with someone who hasn't recently changed their mind of their feelings for him after rejecting him constantly. In spite of the reasoning behind it. Even if Arthur understands the reasoning, understands your health condition too, it had to hurt. He would want to test it. In someone who he actually sees may like him, and not out of fear of losing him. But testing the waters, Merlin, isn't going to take Arthur’s love away from you. It’s the other things that we discussed that are in question for Arthur. I can feel that in my gut. And I can see and hear that from being around him and Morgana. The dating is strictly for Arthur’s recovery. But it can become more if you continue to push Arthur to Mordred. It’s not only Morgana here who has some control over that. It’s how you handle this situation, that’s going to be the deciding factor on what will happen between you two. Your jealousy for one, can push Arthur away. Everything else we discussed, can break his trust, can make him feel like you don’t care for him as a person, and can may put to question on whether your love for Arthur is sincere. All things Arthur has doubts of right now. He has to have doubts. And looking at Mordred, Merlin, the way he’s constantly watching you both when you're in the same room together. He’s aware of everything. And just waiting for you to make the final mistake. To sweep in and save the day.”

 

“So what are you advising Merls to do, Soph, nothing?” Will asked tiredly. It didn't seem very fair for Merls to sit around doing nothing. He’s not going to stand a chance if he can’t prove that he’s changed. There was too much damage that’s been done.

 

Sophia rolled her eyes. “Did I say anything about Merlin doing nothing? No. Will. I did not.”

 

Merlin rubbed his temples with his fingers. “No, you didn't Sophia, I appreciated every word and will take it to heart after, I've considered how I need to apply it. I think what Will here is trying to ask is what can I do, now? Is there anything that I can do? Any actions, or measures to take, to show Arthur that I love him, to compete with Mordred or anyone else, and to show him that I've changed? If, there is anything aside from waiting and letting Arthur take the lead that I can do?”

 

Will nodded in agreement.

 

And Sophia wanted to know where were the two boys when she was telling them what to do? She inwardly shook her head, before counting off tips on her fingers to keep count. Hoping they would get it this time.

  


  1. “You need to take your place back as Arthur’s best friend. He was your best friend first and he has to miss that as much as you do. You need to make him feel like he can confide in you. Like he can talk to you and share the things that he’s been holding back. You need to take that from Mordred before he gives Mordred too much control there. Arthur’s gaining his identity back, lessening his dependency of you, it’s very easy right now for someone to slip in and replace you in that regard. Arthur’s still in a vulnerable place. He might not even realize that he’s doing it.




 

  1. You need to build back Arthur’s trust in you again. And you need to show Arthur that you care about him. That you support him. And that it’s not always about you. That it’s not just about being with Arthur in the end that you care about it. That it’s about Arthur actually getting better. You have to show that you genuinely care about Arthur as a person. Starting with number one will help you with number two.




 

  1. You need to utilize your time with Arthur well. Because you can best guarantee that Mordred is. The difference here Merlin, Arthur loves you. You hold the cards here. Don’t forget it. Mordred has nothing on you there. Which leads back to my points, he’ll be waiting on you to make a mistake. You are going to make mistakes, mind. You are human. But the severity of those mistakes will be up to you, and so is making things right. You may have a limited amount of time to spend with Arthur, while Mordred doesn't, but you don’t need it. Not while Arthur loves you. Not to mention, you have these two weeks away, you have two hours a day, you can possibly squeeze in more, and you get to date Arthur once a week. Your also the last person he speaks with before he goes to sleep, Morgana's said. That means something. Make those experiences count. Make sure that Arthur’s unable to see past Merlin while he’s out on his ‘dates’ with Mordred.” She smiled. “And you Merlin, with all of your vast experience on that front, if anyone can make that happen, it would be you.” She watched Merlin’s skin flush with a smile as he caught on to her innuendo.




 

  1. “Don’t try to alter the steps for his recovery anymore though. I know you were evening out the playing field as you mentioned it, but that didn't help Arthur’s health or recovery. That was a decision strictly made for your benefit. And those choices have delayed Arthur’s recovery. Because he didn't know how to say no to you. And I think you do know that on some level, otherwise you wouldn't have pushed for that. But what’s done is done. Anything else on that front though, will delay it even more and it will look like you are only concerned for yourself.  Something you don’t want, because that, is a flag for Morgana's intervention. She doesn't interfere as long as she thinks Arthur can handle things on his own. She’s said that on multiple occasions. But in the same token, she knows her brother is depressed. If she sees someone pushing him, and she will be able to tell, that’s when she will intervene. If she doesn’t see that. If she continues to see Arthur gain weight. She might even budge on allowing Arthur more time with you. As long as he’s also improving in making decisions on his own accord. And by you no longer altering his recovery. It will allow him to do that. Not to mention, the quicker Arthur recovers, the quicker he can decide on what he wants, and the quicker he can stop dating other people, right?” She waited to make sure that they were all in agreement before she continued.




 

  1. “Don’t push him. You will only scare him away. He needs time to decide on what he’s going to do. When you told him that you loved him he was at the lowest point of his life. He’s afraid to go to that point again. And in some way you are a reminder of that because it was because of you that it happened. You may not have been the cause Merlin but you were the effect. It was his love for you that brought him to that state. He’s going to want to put off things until he’s able to truly see reason on his own. To make a decision that is for him. You have to allow that to happen. Otherwise it won’t be Arthur’s decision on his own. It will again be for you. And I know this part hurts but he won’t be happy with his decision if he’s only deciding to be with you to make you happy. And he will always have doubts and insecurities if he does. He might even hold some resentment. He needs the time to heal too. That was also the reason for the distance. And believe it or not Merlin, I think you need some time too. For all the reasons Arthur’s told you, and to allow yourself the time you need to heal from anything else you may not be trying to address.” She held a hand up to stop Merlin from speaking. “You may know what you want, Merlin, I believe you do. And your life probably feels like it’s starting for the very first time because you have all of your emotions and you know exactly what you want. But you've also had a lot to deal with yourself, Merlin. Things may have looked easier for you but I doubt everything was. Especially while you wallowed around in your flat by yourself. Especially while you were pushing everyone else away. I’m also sure that there are probably things you haven’t processed yet the way you were supposed to. Use your extra time wisely to do those things. So that when it’s time. When Arthur finally makes that choice. He won’t have reason to look any further than you.” Sophia raised her left hand to run along her brows. “That’s all I've got for now. There’s no sense in saying anything else until Arthur is healthy again too. And then, if wooing is necessary. We might have to revisit this discussion, and bring in some reinforcements with some of the lot. But when he is...healthier. I think you might find a lot of help on that front. Especially if you follow the tips. Everyone is worried about the both of you, but that doesn't mean everyone wants to see you together if they think you two are imbalanced, or that one will only hurt the other. You working to fix that imbalance between you might go a long way there. I’m willing to say if you did, that even Morgana wouldn't be as much of a hindrance to you any longer. She only wants to see Arthur healthy and happy. You was never really picky on who with.”




 

“But what about Uther?” Merlin couldn't help but ask.

 

Will raised his brows. “What about Uther? Arthur may listen to his family, Merlin, but Arthur was always strong enough to stand on his own two feet. Once he’s healthy again he’ll be just as strong. If Arthur listened to his father all along he wouldn't have remained friends with you.” Will said, while shaking his head, and taking a swig of his beer,

 

“But Arthur said that Uther's never told him who to choose as his friends.” Merlin replied, starting to feel like an idiot for not being in the know of everything. Even if it was mostly his fault for not being attentive.

 

That wasn't surprising to Will at all. “Well then, Arthur understated it, like always, to protect your feelings. Because Uther has attempted to discourage your friendship with Arthur on multiple occasions and it was Arthur who stood up for you, and held his own against his father. If I’m not mistaken those were the only times Arthur and his father have ever argued. And they were major arguments. Arthur may hold his family in high regard, Merls, but he’s not going to agree or disagree with anything that he doesn't want to. He’s only so pliant now because of his depression and the severity of it. That, and he’s allowed the control over his welfare to go to Morgana - not on paper, but the consent is there. He needed someone he could trust to help him while he was going through everything - because he didn't trust all of his own decisions anymore. Not if those decisions allowed him to fall so deeply into depression. And he knew Morgana would do right by him. But he’s not all that weak and pliable either. He still argues when he needs to. How do you think he managed to get his doctor to fit you into his recovery process? How do you think he got Morgana to let it go? Or to allow you two to come up here? Those were all things that they were against and he’s fought for it to happen.” Will replied.

 

“Remember what I said, Merlin. There’s a stopping point where you are concerned anyway. There is only so much Arthur will allow. It’s you who will determine how much more Arthur will allow. Your actions however will determine it. It’ll either drive him closer to you, to it’ll drive him away.” Sophia finished, hoping that things would work out for Merlin and Arthur.

 

**

 

The rest of the day went by rather suddenly. It was New Years Eve after all. Everything was doing well until Sophia received a text from Morgana stating that they were going to take in the sights for a little while. And not to wait up for them. Merlin didn't even respond to that one. He wanted to see Arthur. And it was New Years Eve. They've always brought in the New Year together. Merlin clenched his jaw. He understood it for what it was. Another attempt to keep Arthur away from him. To change up things, to lessen Arthur’s ‘so-called’ dependency of him. He was upset. But Merlin couldn't find it in himself to be as angry as he wanted to be. Morgana was probably attempting to detox Arthur from him. To make sure that he was still seeing things correctly, and she was probably pulling out the details of his and Arthur’s trip from him too. Merlin had no doubt of that.

 

The cooks prepared mince pies, apples, and other sweets. And Will and Sophia tried to cheer him up but Merlin found that he wanted to be alone. He carried a bottle of champagne with him to his room bidding them good night. Allowing them to ring in the New Year on their own. It was a time for celebration. A time for love. He didn't want his dour mood to darken the time for them. Even though he knew they wouldn't mind. That they wanted to be there for him. Instead, he went into his room and pulled out his Sherlock Season 3 DVD, and drunk his sorrows away with his champagne. Until he became drowsy enough to fall asleep.

 

**

 

It was after midnight when Merlin heard a knock on his door. “Come in.” He called out gruffly.

 

He managed to get out before his door opened and a head of blonde showed through.

 

“Merlin,” Arthur called out softly, “are you awake?”

 

Merlin nodded as he pulled himself up to rest against his headboard. “I am now.” Merlin said, while clearing his throat. He was still hoarse with sleep.

 

Arthur walked in to sit on the side of the bed to face Merlin. “Did you enjoy your day?”

 

Merlin smiled. “I did.” Merlin lied. “How about you? Did you enjoy yours? Your time on the boat, and seeing the sights?”

 

Arthur swallowed. His eyes were bright, but there was sorrow there. And it reflected in his tone. “I did. Listen. I’m sorry I wasn't hear for you as much today--”

 

Merlin shook his head. Knowing what Arthur was going to say. “It’s alright, Arthur. It was New Years Eve, yes. But I’m sure Morgana missed you and wanted to spend time with you too.” That part was true. Even though Merlin knew that Morgana had other reasons, for keeping Arthur preoccupied.

 

Arthur smiled softly, before nodding, and running his left hand and fingers through his hair. Not truly believing Merlin was as okay as he was making himself out to be. “She did. But I know that New Year’s Eve is our--”

 

“It’s alright, Arthur. I know it’s not the same between us right now--” Merlin really didn’t mean to say that. He really didn't want to open up the discussion on how - not the same - it was between them right now. It only reminded him of how he felt earlier.

 

But it seemed that Arthur didn't want to leave it at that.

 

“But I want it to be. The same...that is.” Arthur said quickly. He missed his best friend. He missed Merlin. “I miss the way it was between us. It use to be so...easy between us.” As easy as breathing, Arthur thought to himself. But didn't say aloud. Thinking back to a time when things were different between them. Before everything went to hell in a hand-basket.

 

Merlin’s chest tightened. Picking up on the words Arthur left unsaid through his expression. It was an expression of longing. An expression and feeling that Merlin knew all too well.  “I know. I miss that too. Maybe we could work to get that back again.” Merlin replied, thinking of Sophia’s words.

 

Arthur smiled brighter. “I would like that.” His entire face brightened with it.

 

Merlin smiled brighter too. His dimples shining through, his eyes sparkling. And like always when Merlin did that, Arthur’s heart skipped a beat.

 

Merlin swallowed hard. “Well. The nights still young.” Looking at the clock on the nightstand that showed 12:30AM. “What do you say we stay up even later and watch some episodes of Sherlock? I bought season 3 up here with me. You think you're still able to hang?” Merlin asked teasingly, raising a brow in challenge.

 

Arthur’s eyes narrowed. He never really knew how to back down from one of Merlin’s challenges. Even if Merlin has won some of those same said challenges too. He huffed. “I’ll have you know, Merlin, that I can stay up and hang much longer than you can. So if you have a challenge in mind, bring it on.” Arthur said haltingly.

 

Merlin gave his best cheeky grin, while raising a brow. “Your on, Pendragon. The first person who stays awake the longest get’s to choose what we will do on our first official date.”

 

Arthur responded quickly. “Deal.”

 

“Deal it is.” Merlin said while raising his brows. Because Arthur’s never been able to stay up later during any of his challenges. “Well then. Slide on in under the covers and we’ll see how long you can hang before falling asleep then, shall we?”

 

Arthur clenched his jaw, determined. “We shall.” It was for show. He was knackered, and knew that he wouldn't be able to hang very long. But he wanted to spend this time with Merlin. And he knew Merlin would have been upset with his abrupt departure earlier. Even if he was trying to hide it. It was supposed to be their day. He thought that they could have all done something together. Even though Morgana was right about space and dependency. But at least they could make it their night, for a while. No recoveries to think about, and no problems. Arthur needed a moment like that. And only that.

 

Arthur took off his jacket, his sweatshirt, and his jeans, leaving himself in his boxers and a t-shirt. Merlin relished in the fact that Arthur looked a lot healthier, as he slid into the bed with him sliding under the blanket and sheets.

 

~ * ~

 

They sat up through four episodes of Sherlock, laughing, teasing, and reminiscing of old times. By the fifth episode, Arthur, had fallen asleep. Just like Merlin suspected, he would have fallen asleep first. Merlin watched over him for a few minutes. Enjoying the feeling of Arthur sleeping right beside him. The peacefulness that Arthur held in his sleep, away from worries, from doubts, and from his fears. He looked like a teenager again. Without the weight of the world on his shoulders. So many things that he’s kept to himself, Merlin thought. And out of protection for him. Merlin couldn’t love him anymore for that. Merlin turned off the DVD with his remote, pulled the blankets up high enough to cover himself and Arthur, and snuggled himself laying at Arthur’s side. His head resting on Arthur’s chest. On reflex, Arthur moaned, but raised an arm up to wrap around Merlin. And Merlin’s chest tightened, his eyes started to water in joy. As he snuggled closer to Arthur, giving him a kiss on his chest through his t-shirt.

 

“I love you, Arthur.” Merlin whispered. “Happy New Year.”

 

When Merlin succumbed to sleep. Arthur opened his eyes. They were starting to water. And whispered back softly. “I love you, too, Merlin.” He swallowed hard. “Happy New Year.” And this time, Arthur really did fall to sleep. Hoping that this New Year would be better than the last.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A penny for your thoughts.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to start off by thanking you all for sending in such wonderful reviews. It continues to encourage me to get these chapters posted quickly while it inspires me to keep doing better. I love reading your many thoughts and perspectives on this story! If I haven't responded to your reviews yet, I will be so shortly.
> 
> This chapter is also unbeta'd. It is another long chapter. If you see anything please feel free to point it out, and I will make the necessary corrections. I've reviewed the chapter several times but it doesn't mean that I haven't missed anything. 
> 
> This chapter has some warnings for triggers. Nothing major. But there may be some triggers there just the same. With that being said, I hope you enjoy the chapter! And I hope you don't hate me when it's through because things are about to change. But remember this. My promise still holds for a happy Merthur ending, and some things are necessary for that to occur.

Three days later.

 

HEKNOWS!HEKNOWS!HEKNOWS!HEKNOWS!HEKNOWS!HEKNOWS!HEKNOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“Arthur?” In a tone of exasperation.

 

It was obvious that it wasn't the first time his name was called. Or the second.

 

Arthur gasped, before sucking in a huge breath. When did he stop breathing?! He had to get himself  under control. Now! He took three more deep breaths before responding. “I’m sorry...what?”

 

He sighed heavily. “I need for you to oversee the opening of the New York office. Remember, we talked about this several months back? It’s going to be ran by your uncle Aggravaine. But the finishing of it’s construction, the opening, and the setting of things in order has to be overseen by a Pendragon.”

 

And Arthur breathed heavily again, but his heart hadn't stopped beating out of his chest because he knows in his heart that his father knows and this is confirming all of his fears. He vaguely remembered the discussion of someone going to oversee the opening of the New York office though. Aggravaine came back into their lives some years back. He’s rarely even mentioned among himself and Morgana. If that. Autumn hasn't even met him except for in passing. Morgana, considering him a flight risk. Even though he’s been trying to reacquaint himself with them again after all of these years. Aggravaine claimed he was grief stricken, after the loss of his sister, their mother, their father’s wife. And ended up seeing the world, with his share of his inheritance money - squandering it - claiming that life was too short. He’d also been through two marriages and a divorce too. And if Arthur’s not mistaken, the second divorce proceedings were under way. He came back saying that he wanted to start over again.

 

Uther gave him a job running the Financial Services division but Aggravaine was looking for more. Something to sink his teeth into. Something of a challenge, he said. Hence, the New York office. Where he could take a bite out of the Big Apple. Where he could be given the opportunity to use his creative mind again but far, far away from their father. Who didn't particularly care for Aggravaine, but was giving him this opportunity out of his love for Ygraine. And not for Aggravaine himself. Nevertheless, it was a Pendragon office which means it had to be overseen by a Pendragon and not a Du Bois, in the end. People would be looking for a Pendragon to be present during the start up. That, Arthur understood. But that was not the only part that had him stumped. He took another deep breath. “Not that... but... afterward.”

 

Another heavy sigh. “I’m sending your sister with you.”

 

Yes, that part had him stumped too. Sending one Pendragon is understandable. But sending two…

Another thing that was not balancing out. Arthur’s jaw clenched. “About the--”

 

“Time? Well, you have to think about it Arthur. You have to oversee the last of the construction, the grand opening, and the operations itself. Not to mention you have to get your uncle Aggravaine up to speed on things to run the New York office. Depending on how quickly, everything can be much sooner, but on estimate - give or take - I would have to say that it’s going to take about--”

 

“Six... months?” Arthur croaked.

 

Uther sighed heavily. “Yes.”

 

Arthur nodded to himself. He swallowed hard. Trying not to fall apart. “And when do I have to leave?”

 

“That was another thing. I need for you to cut your trip short. I can give you today. But you will need to be on a flight by tomorrow night. Aggravaine is already in New York. Between he and Morgana, they can get you back up to speed with what you've missed during your...absence. You have a meeting with the Board of Investors bright and early on Tuesday morning.”

 

That part wasn't the part that bothered him. He was a natural at business. He loved his job. And dreamed of doing it as a little boy on his grandfather’s lap. That was what made it easier, to keep up pretenses, with little mistakes at work. He didn't need a lot of time to get himself together for the trip or to work. What he did need however, was a moment to figure out what he was going to tell Merlin. Because if this is what he thinks it is he might not get to see Merlin ever again.

 

**  

 

Three days earlier. New Year’s Morning.

 

“Morgana!” Arthur shrieked. Startled, as he just finished taking a shower, still in his towel, only to be confronted by his sister who sat on his bed obviously waiting for him, “what in the hell! I’m not even dressed!” Arthur shouted.

 

Morgana responded dryly, waving a hand in nonchalance. “Not anything I haven’t seen before little brother.” Not even bothered that Arthur was still in his towel.

 

“What do you want?” Arthur gritted out. Eyes narrowing. Hands on his hips.

 

Morgana's brows raised. Quickly picking up on Arthur’s mood. “I want to know why you didn't sleep in your own bed last night?”

 

All of Arthur’s muscles tensed at once. His eyes widened, and then he sucked in a breath. He cleared his throat to respond. Morgana could be relentless if she wanted to be. Like a dog with a bone. And there was no point in hiding it. It didn't mean that he wanted to discuss it though. “How did you--”

 

“Know?” Morgana raised her left brow, before shaking her head again in frustration. Because she was starting not to know what to do. She’d done everything that Nimueh told her to do. That was for certain. The only thing she didn't do was send Arthur to Morgause, which would have helped with the distance between Merlin and Arthur. Send Arthur to their father, which will never happen if she can help it while Arthur is still ill, because Arthur would never do that to her. Or go to Merlin himself. Who is the stronger between the two of them, who has most of the control in his and Arthur’s relationship to cut any strings - which has been proven time and again, since it is Merlin who’s managed to get just about everything that he wanted while Arthur himself has been left without - to ask him to put some distance between them. To force it. By telling Arthur this time, and not by running away without a word. But since Merlin doesn't seem to think distance is necessary. Since he’s stomped all over Arthur’s recovery with counter demands of his own for Arthur’s instructions given by his doctor...she doubted Merlin would be very receptive to a plan forcing space between him and Arthur. Not when he didn’t see Arthur as having enough of a problem apparently. Not if the consolation of that said problem could possibly cause him to lose Arthur once Arthur heals. Friendship seems to be damned in their equation. If Merlin couldn't have him... Like it wouldn't be considered unless Arthur was dying. Because interfering with Arthur’s recovery the way that he has, could result in just that. And yet, Merlin’s unable to see that.

 

And it does seem like that. Considering the fact that he blames her for everything that she’s had to do for Arthur. Like he isn't her brother, and she wouldn't want to see him healthy and well, instead to desert him down the path of a self-destructive relationship. And she was going to stop right there because it made her mad every time how Merlin accused her of sending her brother away to keep him away from him. Like her every action was about him. Could he be more self-absorbed? Every decision made is not considered with him in mind. Her brother, the man he claims to love, could have died and he had nothing to say on the subject. Didn't even notice. And showed no real concern for Arthur himself-- at all. Only that Arthur was being taken away from him. Yet he wonders why Arthur needs healthy distance. She took a deep breath. And Merlin’s trying to help for one week wouldn't have changed his attitude or feelings all that much in that regard. Even if he showed that he was willing to try something now--after all this time of not. She swallowed hard. “How did I know, Arthur?”

 

Arthur swallowed and nodded, grabbing his boxers from his wardrobe, before walking over to his walk in closet. And he couldn't care whether or not Morgana was in his room because she had no right to be. He dropped his towel as he entered the closet which, fortunately for her, was out of viewing range.

 

Morgana rolled her eyes. “A little decorum, Arthur.” She chided, as she saw his towel hit the floor. While sitting back on the bed, hands resting behind her on the mattress. Trying to feel him out.

 

Arthur’s jaw clenched. “I didn't ask for you to come into my room while I was taking a shower now did I?” Arthur responded tersely, as he pulled on his boxers, before grabbing a pair of dark blue jeans and a crimson red pullover hoodie sweatshirt. “Now I’m sure that you didn't come in my room, first thing in the morning, to enjoy the view…”

 

Morgana scowled at the walk in closet door. “Certainly not.” Before taking her scrunchy from her right wrist and pulling her hair up into a messy bun. “I know, because I came by to check on you last night. I haven’t seen you in a week. I know we've spoken on the phone everyday but it’s not the same thing. I also know that there are some things that are easier for you to tell me without Gwaine being present. Or anyone else for that matter as we have other people here to hear. I wanted to make sure that everything was alright. Instead, I came in here only to see that you weren't in your room at all. And after you made such a big deal about it being a long day, how tired you were, and how much you wanted to see your bed.” Accusation sounding in every word. But no judgment.

 

Arthur didn't even have the good grace to look guilty. His tensions deflated however. A little. Knowing this wouldn't be an argument. But knowing it wasn't going to be one of their easy talks either. He sighed heavily, as he walked out of his walk in closet fully dressed. ‘I went to see Merlin.” He said softly.

 

Morgana's eyes narrowed. Like she was really that naive not to know that. Her sarcasm was hidden from her tone though as she responded. “I gathered that, Arthur. My question is why would you go to see Merlin in the middle of the night?”

 

Arthur closed his eyes and licked his lips before opening his eyes and responding. “We always bring in the New Year together. You know that. It’s been a tradition of ours for as long as we've known each other. You abruptly took me away and we had no time to celebrate.” Arthur held up a hand to stop Morgana from speaking, as she was about to interrupt. “I know why you yanked me away. I’m not an idiot! I understand the whole dependency thing. And mentally and emotionally, I have been trying to keep my distance while helping support Merlin. Even though I’m not--” Arthur swallowed “--always successful. But try nonetheless, I have been doing. We weren't able to bring in the New Year itself together which still broke tradition, but we could at least have the early morning. We didn't even do anything. We just joked around and watched Sherlock on DVD, and then we fell asleep.”

 

“And you couldn't find your way back to your own bedroom before doing that?” Morgana raised a skeptical brow.

 

Arthur eyes narrowed marginally while he ran his left hand and fingers through his still damp hair. “I fell. Asleep.” He enunciated every word slowly. In case it was somehow misunderstood. He didn't need to justify his reasons. Not this time. And he doubted that he needed to voice those said reasons anyway. Morgana was always a steps ahead of him since he became ill.

 

Morgana nodded to herself. “Arthur, do you really want to get better? Or do you just want to get through your recovery only to run to Merlin with nothing being changed between you two? Because it would be the same.” She had to ask.

 

“Of course I want to get better.” Arthur snapped. “And of course I’d want things to be changed between us if we decided to pursue a relationship.”

 

“Then why are you doing everything you can possibly do to sabotage your own recovery?” She held a hand up to stop Arthur this time from interrupting her. “I get that you’re in love with Merlin. I noticed your love for him before you did, so I know. I truly do. I also get that your use to placing Merlin first. You've been doing that for the past thirteen years. I know.” She said, while placing her right hand to her chest. “But now you have a condition. You have been depressed for quite some time, and your love for him has sent you down a self-destructive path in your depression. You have an eating disorder. You've had suicidal thoughts. You had a nervous breakdown, Arthur!” Morgana's voice reached octave range by the end of that sentence.

 

Arthur recoiled. It didn't stop Morgana from continuing her speech though.

 

“You had a nervous breakdown.” She repeated, while trying to bring her voice down. “Not even more than five weeks ago. You went away to get help, and you came back refreshed - even managed to gain some weight - only to spend time with Merlin on the first day to go back to the way that you were before you left to begin with.” She took a deep breath. “Now I know that Merlin was in a bad place. Then. I can get that. Which is why I didn't fight you on not seeing Merlin at all. You were there for him. Like you've always been. And then, you tried to tell him what you needed to do to get better. After placing yourself at Merlin’s mercy again, by showing up so quickly, only for you to return back having to date him. And twice a week then, mind. As soon as Merlin found out you had to date and had to meet new people for your recovery.” She sighed. “You moved across town. Yes, by my doing, but you were already looking for a place.” She added in justification. “I only brought you closer to me because I didn't want you to fall back as deep into your depression as you had been, and you needed the support. Because you relied on someone who wasn't going to support you in return. Not until he could see what he was doing for himself. No one telling him hadn't seem to be doing him any good in that regard either.” She paused. “Nevertheless. We made this move. Only to have daily two hours visits with Merlin added to your recovery along with nightly calls.

 

Instead of listening to your doctor, you listened to Merlin, and even got your whole recovery process changed to fit him! All because Merlin claimed to love you too. Because he was sad, depressed, and needed you to be there for him for support. And because he didn’t want to lose you. Let’s also not forget that you did it because Merlin didn't know how to take ‘no’ for an answer. Nor did he know how to respect that you needed time to make a decision on whether or not to pursue a relationship after everything that you’d been through. Time, and to allow you to help him through his time of need. To not push you away. To maintain your friendship. Which...really? Was all that you yourself was asking of him. Your list wasn't long. Nothing to harm his recovery or to delay it. You only asked for two things.

 

Both things out of your love for him and your loyalty to your friendship to not see him suffer. To hurt him. As Will basically gave you the impression was going on in your absence. And you went rushing in like a knight in shining armor deciding to save the day. While you were already severely injured, yet rushing in without your armor, sword of protection, or helmet. And I know, Will was doing all of that to help Merlin. They’re like brothers. First by making sure you were home when he called me, sending Merlin on the side to attack you with his declaration of love and life history. In hopes of stopping you from getting your much needed help. And at the worse possible time for you at that. Right when you had a breakdown and was extremely vulnerable. Broken even. And second, by making you think that Merlin was broken and wounded without you being there to help him. Like he was crawling around and falling apart. And even if any of that were true, you weren't in any place to hear all of that.”

 

Morgana shook her head. Everyone misunderstands Arthur’s trying to hold it all together as strength - even if it is strength, however weakened - as a signal to dump everything on him. Not even trying to feel him out first. Oh, he can take it! He’s the strong one. The heir apparent. The Golden Boy. Well... Appearances can be deceiving. And while everyone, including herself - more so than the rest - was playing offense. By moving him away, by forcing him to eat, and by forcing him to date. To attend to fix the immediate problems at hand. No one, was playing defense. By choosing to focus fully on the origin of the problem to begin with. And by looking for ways to close off holes in their defenses. Whether it be by setting up forts or by preparing themselves for the oncoming storm while under attack. It wasn't done. And by preparing, she means by forcing Arthur away from Merlin. And not allowing Arthur’s recovery to be altered to suit Merlin.

 

In spite of Arthur’s protests. Even if that meant sending him far away. Because bringing Arthur back didn't benefit him. It only benefited Merlin. Because Arthur sacrificed himself again. While leaving himself open for attacks. He also had no defense against Merlin. And since Merlin continued to push for what he wanted. Even to the degree of having Arthur’s recovery process altered to fit him...Arthur gave him. Even at the detriment of himself. And by failing to set up a proper defense - since Arthur did return - they were leaving him wide open to all kinds of attacks. Something Arthur was still struggling to fight against. Even if he was refusing to admit it. He wasn't ready to handle any of that. And his love for Merlin, his need and dependence of him, his lack of identity in himself, would have pulled him towards not wanting to be away from Merlin anyway. Which was also why the distance, the dating, and the meeting new people were necessary. To give him something else to focus on instead of focusing solely on Merlin. All of those things told to him by Will about Merlin... All of the pushing and forcing on Merlin’s part... Only gave Arthur more excuses to be around Merlin more. Even though he meant well to be there for Merlin. To support him. Even though he was trying. Even though he was telling Merlin no. Even though he was doing his best. He was not strong enough to be up against that amount of pressure just yet. And the fact of the matter is, he still has a condition that compels him to do the opposite of what he needs to do. The opposite of what’s best for him. Compelling him to put Merlin first. Despite his own health. Until his body and mind breaks under the pressure. Something no one else seemed to understand or care about in their pushing of him towards Merlin. Something Merlin himself doesn't seem to understand as long as he has Arthur near him and ends up with him in the end.

 

All of that pressure. Still trying to heal from his breakdown. While dealing with the source of the pain. Still trying to recover and gain weight. Adding his fear of their father finding out. And his fear of being institutionalized. Knowing full well what happened to their aunt. Adding her own hysterics, as his sister. Due to love, fear, and worry, in overprotecting him to make sure no harm came his way. To make sure Merlin couldn't hurt him again. Like he had the power to do and had no problem exercising. To make sure that Arthur got healthy and happy again. Without their father finding out. The stress and combination of all of it. In only a month... It was tearing him apart, again. Even while he was trying to hold it together. And he was trying to hide it. But like before, it wasn't working. Because there were cracks in his foundation. Morgana swallowed hard in conclusion of those thoughts. It didn't leave her many choices of what she could do in this situation. She shook herself out of it to continue.

 

“Will’s going to place Merlin first, even if he’s not taking sides. But it wasn't done in consideration of your present state. Which he had to have known what would happen because he knows how much you love Merlin. He knows that you wouldn't walk away from him willingly.” Ever, she thought in the back of her mind. “He probably even expected for you just to give completely in without care to needing time.” And Arthur probably would have it wasn't for her forcing him to stand behind what he needed to do for his recovery. Of course it didn't completely work. Merlin was using Arthur’s love for him and their friendship to get what he wanted. And Arthur wasn't strong enough to say no. And most important, his condition didn't help him out there. So his fighting didn't last very long. And as long as Merlin continued to push and push without giving up… “But the whole thing proved to have done you more harm than good. And the rest of your orders. The rest of your orders came from your therapist. Something Merlin didn't even need to be aware of because you weren't in a relationship. Him deciding to love you now didn't give him the right to know. But you advised him of everything just the same. To explain why you wouldn't be as present. To justify why you needed time to not rush into a decision with Merlin.” She was going to have to bring it all together for Arthur because he really needs to see just how far gone he’s come and where he was going if he didn't snap himself out of it somehow. He couldn't keep himself going down this path. And Merlin wasn't good for him at the moment. He may not ever be. He certainly wasn't good for Arthur in his present state. They needed real time apart. Like she’s been trying to encourage all along. The only thing she hadn't encouraged was him falling out of love with Merlin. Anything to do with that decision was strictly Arthur’s, to decide upon once he got better. Without any interference from her other than being his sister if he needed an ear to hear, or a little nudge. She already said her peace to Merlin in preparation of Arthur’s decision. Just in case he did decide to be with Merlin. But it didn't matter now. And it wouldn't matter. Not as long as Arthur remained ill. A feeling of dread crept up on her. A feeling she couldn't shake herself out of as she continued, tone hoarse.

 

“Again, something that you didn't have to do. There was nothing wrong with requesting time, and any reasonable person would have accepted that while taking the time too. You were both going through a lot. You both needed space. And instead of respecting that, he pushed you tooth and nail. Tried giving you an ultimatum - then deciding to tell you he was going to accept it when you couldn't bend because it wasn't your orders that were question but your doctors - only to attempt to flee continents to hurt you, because he couldn't have been naive enough not to know that it would have destroyed you in your fragile state. Or what it would have done to Hunith in her fragile state too, who was already blaming herself for everything. But no, he wanted to leave without so much of a word. While at the same time, you were all the while contemplating on how best to help him. Again. And what did he do when you brought him back? Managed to get his way to get more things out of you. But you went along with it, Arthur. You weren't completely innocent. Giving up everything, because he scared you half to death by his attempting to leave, as his leave was going to be a permanent one. And because you couldn't lose Merlin. You gave it all up. Knowing full well that Merlin was wrong to ask those things of you, and that you were going to set yourself back in your own recovery! And why, because of your ever present love for him. And because of those same dependency and identity issues that you've been dealing with all along.” Arthur didn't look like he was all there. Focusing on a spot slightly above her head. She sighed - loudly - to get him to look at her, before patting the mattress for Arthur to sit beside her. He did. However, hesitantly. “I don’t know what you’re doing brother, but you’re not helping yourself in this equation. You’re going to make yourself worse before you get better. And have you forgotten that you have to get better, and preferably, before father finds out?”

 

Arthur swallowed hard. Not looking at Morgana, but at the wine colored walls and white baseboards in front of them. His voice sounded a tad bit hysteric when he spoke. A combination of worry, fear, slight panic, and doubt. “I haven’t forgotten anything, Morgana. Why do you think I've been struggling to eat, even when I don’t feel like it?” Arthur turned to her briefly. Blue eyes, clear and glossy. His tone turned saddened. “And I want to get better. I want to do what I’m supposed to do. And I want to be there for Merlin. It’s just….hard...sometimes.” Arthur used his left thumb and forefinger to press the bridge of his nose. “And I’m not entirely a pushover either. I could have said no to Merlin. I could have hurt him. I just didn't want him to have to deal with that while he was dealing with everything from his past. And it wasn't like he understood everything I was going through. He couldn't see it. It was no sense to have him have to deal with my issues too. He had enough to deal with.”

 

“So instead, you suffer in silence. Like you've done the past seven years. Or you have your mood swings that I’m picking up on - stewing - because you’re trying to keep everything in. In an effort not to hurt Merlin.” Because it always led back to Merlin. And never about her brother because he never placed himself first. Her eyes widened in realization. “You did this. In an effort to keep what you two have because you know that Nimueh would have forced more distance if she noticed how much farther you've regressed. You’re doing it, in an effort of avoiding. Avoiding what you know you need to do. And that’s to give yourself some time and space to get better and then, to make a decision.” She knows her brother. There was no need to form any of those thoughts into questions she already knew the answers to. He knew what he was going to have to end up doing all along to get better. He was avoiding it. Because he didn't want to hurt Merlin. And he didn't want to separate himself from Merlin either. He wasn't strong enough. (He should never have been told anything about Merlin at all while he was away. And she shouldn't have been told of Merlin’s condition or how he was dealing with it either. Unless it was a life or death situation. His seeing Merlin too soon. Merlin’s pushing on every turn. Merlin’s clinginess - wanting all of that time with Arthur and the jealousy - due to all of a sudden having his feelings for Arthur, and not wanting to lose Arthur...did Arthur no good.) And here, Arthur was feigning improvement. (The fluctuating weight loss and gain, along with the still struggling to eat, the only silent alarm.) While fighting his condition as best as he could. To continue to stay with Merlin. He was trying to do both even though he knew one was doing himself harm at the moment. Which meant he still had some self-preservation left in him. Some desire to get better. To recognize it, to try and work around it, and to try to get better.

 

The problem. He didn't know how to accomplish what he needed to do without hurting himself or Merlin in the process. And that was the stopper. Which left him stagnant. He wouldn't do it! Out of his love and loyalty for Merlin. Fighting along with his dependency and identity issues. Which were all designed to set Merlin first over and over again. Without regard to Arthur or his health. This explained the fight with Merlin more. She thought to herself. Arthur would have kept those feelings in as best as he could. He’s always done for Merlin, without getting much in return. She never thought Arthur took the time to consider all of the things he’s done for Merlin, and just how much support he’s provided over the years. He’s provided more support and done more things than married couples do. And he and Merlin are not in a relationship. Have never been in one. Which leaves her to wonder. What difference would the support or lack of support make now to Arthur? When he wasn't getting any since the day he returned from the resort? Or even before?

 

And Arthur doesn't fight with Merlin. He’s never had one single fight with Merlin in all of thirteen years. Not until his depression took other. And before that. They had discussions. Or one of them would come up with something and the other would follow suit. Arthur. Was overwhelmed. He knew what he had to do even though he was fighting it. Even though he was trying not to hurt Merlin. And his self-preservation left him some bitterness and resentment there (because he wasn't putting himself first and was sacrificing himself for Merlin. He was consciously doing it for Merlin’s recovery. Out of love. And out of his illness, not wanting to be without Merlin). Which added to some of the resentment and bitterness. Add it to Merlin’s constant pushing from day one of his return - coupled with his pushing on the trip, in addition to several other things - and it brought him over the deep end. Forcing him to speak words that were probably never meant to be uttered. Not from Arthur anyway. Not if he felt he was going to hurt Merlin in the process. He would have taken those feelings to the grave if knew that it would hurt Merlin. Not understanding that somethings are supposed to hurt and that you can’t protect your loved ones from everything. That sometimes they would want to know what was going on in spite of the pain that may be inflicted. It’s how you heal. And how you grow together. Something else, that was too late to ponder upon. Because the damage, was already done.

 

But in hindsight, Arthur never truly expressed how any of the things truly actually affected him. Not even in the past. And there is no way that Merlin hasn't done anything else to hurt Arthur considering how unemotional Merlin has shown himself to be. Which only means Arthur accepted things and tried to ignore it. In an effort to keep Merlin by his side. But this fight, like the first one, was done out of sheer panic and of Merlin’s pushing. Both instances, Arthur was at his limit. And that was only because Arthur found himself being backed into a corner, with nowhere to go. Like he’s apparently feeling...right now. While trying to keep himself under control. Which explains his so-called mental and emotional distance that he’s been keeping from Merlin. And considering the fact that Arthur never really shares how he himself is feeling, only what the problem is at hand or his worries, and how he is dealing with it...

 

Which basically means...unless he’s pushed - or forced into drunkenness - who knows what other thoughts were actually going on in his head.

 

She could only thank her father for that one. And not in a good way. Arthur was frightened the moment he heard about what happened to their aunt. He freaked out in a sheet state of panic, after he heard the second conversation between their father and Gaius confirming their aunt Margaret’s death. His fear of being institutionalized was real even then. Because it was a death sentence. And she was no better but she tried to held it together as the older sibling for him. But Arthur was only twelve. It made him mildly paranoid (until he actually became depressed himself). Afraid of saying or doing anything out of line that would result in him being sent away. Permanently. He became the perfect son. Even though their father never forced them to be perfect children. It didn't matter. They made up their own unwritten rules and followed it. And Arthur. He looked up depression early on and learned all of the signs to avoid. And all the thoughts to keep to himself as best as he could. All of the things he needed to hide. And for Arthur, that meant, he memorized it (again, something else that she did too). The only times things seeped out, was when he was really starting losing control. He was covering things up as quickly as he caught his mistakes. If he did. He was so busy trying to hide any signs of depression, burying all of the feelings that came along with it, for fear of being found out, that he forced the real things he probably needed to get out inside. And of course he wouldn't have wanted to share the really deep feelings with Nimueh. Not if it meant that she would forbid him from seeing Merlin anymore than she already had. Certainly not. Which is probably why he didn't tell her everything either. Because he knew she would be forced to do the same. And the same goes for the lot. Which meant, he kept it all inside.

 

And then the withdrawal from the depression, the weight loss, the breakdown, the fear of their father finding out, the fear of being institutionalized, Merlin’s sudden declaration of love, his pushing, his attempting to flee, his changing Arthur’s recovery, the weight loss, the fear of being institutionalized again, the weight gain again, the pressure from Merlin in regards to Mordred, from Merlin in pushing a relationship, Mordred himself, and her own pushing to help him...it was all taking it’s toll. And Arthur was well on his way to another breakdown considering the fact that he’d never gotten over the first one it seems. She knew this trip was a horrible idea. She knew Arthur shouldn't have gone to see Merlin his first night back from the resort - even though Gwaine tried to convince her that Arthur would be fine - no matter what condition Merlin was in. And he had Will, Sophia, and Mithian. And anyone else who wanted to visit. She wasn't stopping anyone! He was not alone. And he was fine in comparison. She admonished herself for the thought. She never liked to compare the two’s conditions. They were completely different. So she couldn't know how fine he was, even though Merlin claimed to be fine. But it wasn't fair that Arthur made himself to suffer for someone who may not ever do it in return for him. Whose love didn't equal out. Not even partially. But it was her fault too. She should have kept Arthur away all the same. Or convinced him to stay away longer, at the resort somehow. Or to go back. But somehow she knew that Arthur wouldn't go for that again. Not if he could help it. It was hard enough to get his consent the first time.

 

Morgana's eyes watered a little. Her tone, light. Heart heavy. “Why didn't you tell me you were going through all of this?” She knew they were focusing on the weight gain heavily to prevent their father from finding out. And on loosening Merlin’s hold on Arthur. To lessen his dependency of Merlin. To gain some of Arthur’s identity back. While still allowing Arthur the time to support Merlin through his recovery. Which did work. Because Merlin is better. They didn't really have a choice on the weight loss though. Because if there father were to find out, and before Arthur recovered...

 

Arthur shook his head. He swallowed hard. His tone was hoarse as he spoke. “I didn't want you to have to worry anymore than you already were. You were already panicking about the weight loss and my constant need to be there for Merlin… And you've got the baby to think about too. I know we promised but this is too much. You don’t need any more stress.” You don’t need me. He added, for himself.

 

Morgana's eyes widened. “Arthur, you are my brother. Do you know how I would feel if something happened to you because you felt that you couldn't come to me? For any reason?” Her tone was rebuking, but it was gentle too. “I've done nothing but leave myself open to help you during this time. What am I here for if you can’t truly confide in me?”

 

Arthur’s detected sadness there. Hurt. It was something that he didn't want to feel or hear. Knowing that he was the cause of it. He swallowed around the lump in his throat. “It’s not your fault, Morgana. Please don’t...blame yourself. It’s me. It’s my problems. It shouldn't be yours or anyone else's responsibility to have to watch over me. To make sure that I eat. To make sure that I talk things out. To keep me from falling apart. To keep me from going...crazy.” Arthur muttered the last sentence to himself.

 

Morgana turned her head to look Arthur in the eyes, she watching him from a side-view before. “Don’t you ever say that again. You are not going crazy. Do you hear me, Arthur Pendragon?! Do you? Because I will not allow it.” Her lips were trembling because this reminded her of another conversation of theirs. One that she was hoping never to relive again.

 

Arthur chuckled hysterically. “You can’t control anything any more than I can.” Knowing where his life was headed. Coming to accepting it. Knowing his father was going to find out, and very soon. Knowing he wouldn't be able to get better fast enough. Knowing that he was about to lose everything.

 

And Morgana knew exactly what morbid thoughts were going through Arthur’s mind. He was giving up. She grabbed him and pulled him into a hug. Better to shake some sense into him. He pliantly leaned into her. His head on her shoulder. Like they would do when they other was stressed. “You listen to me, Arthur. You are one of the strongest men that I know. You will get past this. You can’t give up. On any of it! We will get through this.” She kissed the top of his head. But his eyes were starting to get unfocused when she was looking at his face again. He was closing himself off in resignation of what was to come. Preparing for it. He’d done it before. And not very long ago. Some around the same time of his suicidal thoughts. His need to escape. To rather not be there to be placed in an institution by his father. Or out of his hopeless love. Before she had to pull him back from it too. She shook him to get more focus into him. He blinked and looked at her. She had no idea of what he was thinking of just then. “You will not give up. Do you hear me? We’ll get more help if necessary but we will get you better. But Arthur--” She forced Arthur’s face in her direction to really look him eye to eye. “--you have to believe that you are going to get better. You have to want it! And you have to trust me in what I’m going to have to do. But if you do that I promise you that we’ll get you better. It’s not as bad as you think. I swear it.”

 

Arthur wanted to believe her. He really did. But it felt like everything that was ever bothering him before was all attacking him now--at once. Including all of the pain. All of the misery. And on top of that. He still had weight to gain, and he was still severely depressed. There was nothing preventing their father from taking him and locking him away just like he did their aunt. And he remembered what Morgana said to him discreetly while Gwaine went to the mens at dinner. That their father was being tight lipped. Having secret meetings--one, Cornelius Sigan, whose name she traced back, finding out that he was a Private Investigator. She told him that she thought he was on to something. That he could possibly know. Or that it could be really soon - it wasn't like their father didn't have the resources to accomplish this, in order to overturn what they worked to keep buried. It may take him longer but it was extremely possible. He was the Senior Pendragon after all - because their father wasn't giving her anything and because he’d had several meetings with Gaius over the past week. Where she was, of course, prohibited, to attend. It was another reason why he wanted to be with Merlin the night before. To feel comforted, to have a moment with his best friend, even if he wasn't able to share the things that were really bothering him. It was a night for them both, and the things shared meant a lot to him all the same.

 

But in the darkness of the night, in contemplation of his dilemma - all of his dilemmas - what could he do if his father really did find out? Who would notice he was gone? Could his absence be explained away like his aunt’s in the newspaper upon death? People who knew the truth being paid off not to. Could he be explained away so easily too? Could his death be explained away? And who would care? Even Merlin suddenly decided that he loved him after seven years. What was to stop him in another seven years in suddenly deciding again that he wasn't in love with him? That he made a mistake? It was something Arthur’s thought about everyday. Which was why he stressed how important it was to Merlin on multiple occasions to be very sure about his feelings. That he couldn't take it if Merlin did that to him. Even though Merlin continued to stress over and over again that he was in love with him. That he’s always been. That there was never...anyone else. Maybe if he weren't around Merlin could be happy. Truly happy. Without waiting for a lost cause to get better. And if his feelings could turn on and off so easily...it shouldn't be hard for Merlin to get over him. At least one of them could be happy.

 

He didn't realize that he was crying until Morgana started wiping his face with her fingers. He gasped, releasing the breath he was holding as he listened to her. “Ssh. We’re going to get through this, Arthur. I won’t let anything happen to you. Remember, we promised each other.” She waited on him to nod with her. “But you’re going to have to trust me. Even if I decide on something drastic. Can you do that for me, Arthur?” Morgana pushed. Her heart was beating rapidly, and tears were starting to fall. Because Arthur, was giving up. Giving over to the feeling of hopelessness and not seeing a better end to his situation. Even if he had better options. He wasn't seeing it. And he wasn't opening himself up to it.

 

Arthur swallowed hard again. He was hoarse when he spoke. “What about Merlin? What am I going to tell him?” It was all that he could think about in the back of his mind. It intensified his feelings tenfold.

 

Morgana sucked in a breath. “If my plan works then you might not have to tell Merlin anything. He blames me for everything anyway.” She waved a hand in a dismissive gesture. But she felt it. The blame that she constantly heard thrown her way from Merlin. “Like it’s all my fault that I have to keep you away. Like you don’t suffer from depression and need to follow your doctor’s orders. Like I wouldn't want to protect you. Like I should leave you without protection.” Her tone was bitter. As she repeated what was said of her by Merlin. And from Merlin as well, when he attacked her when Arthur had to go away. Blaming her for taking Arthur away from him. Like Arthur was a possession to be had. Nothing asked about how he was progressing or why Arthur had to go away in the first place. And no consideration to the fact that he was her brother and that she was suffering too. And since she had to deal with it all. Since he is her brother. It would go to show that she was suffering more than him too. But if Merlin couldn’t see beyond that…then she would gladly be the bad guy. If that kept her brother alive, healthy, and well. She’d do just about anything for that. Even if it won’t be the popular choice.

 

**

 

Present Day

 

“Did father tell you?”

 

“Did father tell me what?” Morgana asked.

 

“Did he tell you that you were to be spending six months in New York with me?” Arthur sounded panicked while pacing his bedroom floor. He hid away there after breakfast. Not that Merlin couldn't tell that anything was off. He’d already picked up on it and was asking about it. Arthur ran his left hand and fingers through his hair. “In New York! With me. And not in London.”

 

Morgana was silent for a moment without speaking. “Yes. It was something discussed. And it was already decided a few months back that one of us needed to be there. I won’t be able to stay the entire time of course. Being pregnant and all. But father understood that it was a project that could very well require us both. What with finishing off everything with the construction, the grand opening, the investors, and getting Aggravaine up to speed. And it’s not like father was going to oversee it. He was needed here.”

 

Her tone sounded a tad distracted. Aloof. Arthur’s tone turned from panicked to incredulous. “And you’re alright with this? With leaving Autumn and Gwaine behind and relocating?”

 

Morgana chuckled. “Now don’t be silly Arthur.” She was not leaving her family behind. “Of course I am not going to leave Autumn and Gwaine behind. I’ve discussed it with Gwaine and he wants to come along with us. It’s only for six months. And his father Lot assured him that he wouldn't be needed at the firm while he was away. And the firm runs itself anyway. Gwaine isn't even required to be there unless he’s handling special cases. This is perfect! And Autumn’s not even in real school yet. We can hire her a tutor to keep her abreast of things while we’re away.”

 

Arthur shook his head in disbelief wondering who was he speaking with on the end of the phone, and where was his sister. His sister, never liked being sent away for more than a few weeks at a time, and she never would consider uprooting Gwaine and Autumn like this. He shook his head. “But six months? And what about my therapy sessions?” Like he was somehow going to get out of the trip. Once his father stamped his seal of approval it was an end to it.

 

“Already taken care of little brother. Nimueh has an office there and nothing here to keep her tied down at the moment. You can continue with your therapy, you can still work, and you can do everything that you need to do to continue with your recovery.” Morgana said confidently.

 

Arthur shook his head. Maybe if he shook it hard enough he’d wake from the Twilight Zone! His life was about to make a drastic turn. For the worse. And there was nothing that he could do about it because his father approved it. “But...we have obligations--”

 

“The only obligations we have to worry about is to our father, our uncle, and to the family business.  The dynasty that will all be yours one day just like Grandfather always told you. It’s your duty to be present and to do it right.” Reminding Arthur of the things that would help to put things into perspective for him. It was all she could do. Morgana thought. It was more than just Merlin that Arthur had to consider. Even if he’d managed to have forgotten that over the years.

 

What a way to throw out the guilt cards, Arthur thought to himself. All of the guilt cards. His obligations. His duty. To his grandfather, his father, his uncle--which by extension falls to his mother, to Morgana, to the company, and to his own legacy. And when thinking of obligations he couldn't forget Autumn, his new niece or nephew, and all of the employees at Pendragon and their families, who would one day be depending on him. If he lived to see that day. A lot of guilt cards. If he ever needed anymore weight to be added to him… It didn't stop Arthur’s shoulders from automatically straightening. Nor did it stop him from raising his chin and clenching his jaw. He swallowed hard. Because no matter how automatic those things were to do, no matter how much he strives to be the perfect son, there was still another problem that he had to deal with. “It’s six months, Morgana! Unless you've forgotten that there are other things that I’ m supposed to be deciding on doing?” She promised him she would help him through this. This didn't feel like she was trying to help him through this!

 

“And if everything is meant to be you will still have that decision to make when you return, Arthur.” Was all that she said.

 

**

 

“And if everything is meant to be you will still have that decision to make when you return, Arthur.”

 

Arthur thought back on some of Morgana's words and got stuck on that one sentence while he was working out in the weight room. Still, avoiding Merlin. And he knew that sentence meant everything. If his father were to find out it wouldn't matter because he wouldn't be there to make a decision. If Merlin truly loved him. If they were meant to be. There might still be a chance for them. If there was a decision left to make. Not to mention the fact that six months was a long time. Who’s to say that Merlin would still love him in six months? He always feared that Merlin didn't love him for the right reasons anyway. Who’s to say that he wasn't right? Merlin refused to truly think about it. Refuses to believe anything else. Even refuses to date other people, he’s heard from the lot. Claiming he knows what he feels in his heart and that there’s no need to put himself through anymore because he knows without a doubt that Arthur is the one for him. Granted, Merlin had dated enough men to know the difference - and he’s had to process those thoughts too about his prior relationships and one-offs. He understands the difference - but is he still only saying it out of some deep rooted obligation to him?

 

And in the same token. Would it even matter? If his father finds out. If he’s not better in time? His father is going to take his rights away from him anyway. He is going to lock him away. And he would never see Merlin again anyway. What would it matter if Merlin was waiting for him then? It would only hurt Merlin more to have to wait for so much time only to be given a story. Just like it was given them about his aunt. It would not be fair to him. No. Arthur swallowed hard and clenched his jaw. He made a decision. He loved Merlin too much to allow him to have to go through that. And there’s nothing but pain in grief in it’s wake for the person who loves him. There was only one thing left to do. He only hoped he could make it sound convincing enough. Because he didn't want Merlin to wait for him when there wasn't going to be anything to wait for.

 

**

 

“Are you going to tell me what’s the matter?” Merlin asked over the lunch. Turkey club sandwiches and chips before them. He’d never seen Arthur as distant as he’s become over the past few days. It was worse this morning. It was worse than the events that led before his breakdown. And just like last week, Arthur refused to open up about it. Now Merlin understands that their trip is for him, and not for Arthur, but if they are ever going to get anywhere. If they are going to make it through it all. To both be healthy...they will have to communicate. They will have to be open and honest with each other. And  Merlin knows that he’s a horrible example on any of those fronts, has been for years, but he also knows what a mistake it was, and is attempting to change. But it can only work if Arthur allows it to happen too. And in the middle of his attempt, he sees Arthur starting to bottle himself up. In an attempt to block his efforts. Whatever is bothering Arthur. It can’t be good. And it can’t last. Whatever this is. Eventually it’s going to explode. Merlin only hoped it wouldn't be like the last times. But he was still going to try. He was still going to show support. He remembered what Sophia said. That they needed to be friends first again. That they needed to get that back between them. It was always where they started right?

 

Merlin swallowed hard. Because Arthur wasn't looking particularly friendly. He never looked at him that way but he’s seen the look all the same. It was the look of the Pendragon’s, designed to not show what they were feeling. Leaving the person it was directed to stumped, slightly afraid, and intimidated.

 

Arthur back was rigid. It was going to take everything out of him to do what he had to do. He’s never loved anyone like he’s loved Merlin. In fact, he’d never been in love before. No one else had ever made an impact. Relationships yes. Love...no. And by the time he fell in love with Merlin he was done. It wasn't even uncommon for them. Their mother was their father’s first love. Same for his grandparents. And same for Morgana and Gwaine. Even though the dated other people first. And it was the same for Gwen and Lancelot and Elena and Leon. There was nothing wrong with it. Until he realized that they actually became couples, while Merlin never received any of his signs. Only to receive the signs from others. And Arthur stopped his thoughts right there. He couldn't blame Merlin for that. It may have hurt. It still does. But it wasn't Merlin’s fault. And it doesn't take away his love for Merlin either. It’s just as strong, stronger even, than the first day that he realized it. Arthur swallowed hard. When he spoke. His tone didn't betray his emotions. His expression, was impassive. “Father called me this morning.” Arthur said, while grabbing a chip from his plate and putting it in his mouth. Like he was talking about the weather.

 

Merlin gulped. His eyes widened. “Your father called. What did he want?” Uther didn't just call. He requested meetings. He wanted to see his children. Whenever possible.

 

Arthur was watching Merlin’s expression. A measure of hesitance and curiosity. “He’s sending me to New York.” Arthur said while grabbing his beer nonchalantly. Like saying the words didn't feel like he was kicking his own self in the chest.

 

As if he hadn't just ripped Merlin’s heart out with those six words while stomping on it. Merlin sucked in a breath. “He’s sending you to New York.” Merlin whispered. Taking in the coolness in Arthur’s expression. Merlin grimaced.

 

“Yes. He called me this morning to inform me that we had to cut our trip short. We’ll have to leave by dawn in order to make it back in time. Morgana's told me that she and Gwaine would take care of my packing. But I’ll be able to double check on everything once I arrive back to my flat. And we plan to go shopping for everything once we arrive to New York anyway.” Everything was arranged. Even the penthouse was being set up. There was six bedrooms and five bathrooms. The place had all of the perks and trimmings. Enough for them all to share. And since Morgana, Gwaine, and Autumn wouldn't be staying for the duration of six months, it wouldn't be necessary to rent out two flats. But Arthur knew the real reason. He was back on suicide watch. No one had to say it. And the length of Morgana's stay - now that she wouldn't have to think about him and Merlin with a body of water being placed between them - would depend on how quickly he turned himself around. She didn't have to say it. He saw it for what it was.

 

Merlin was starting to see Arthur’s lips move, but he couldn't really understand the words that were coming out of his mouth. It felt like he was on the outside. Looking in. But in the midst of his haze, there were certain words that came to stand out. Merlin’s voice cracked on. “We?”

 

Arthur nodded, as he took a sip of his beer, before responding. “Yes, we, Gwaine, Autumn, Morgana, and myself."

 

And suddenly. Everything was made picture perfect clear. If it had to do with Arthur being taken away from him, it had Morgana's name written all over it. Merlin stumbled out. “The four of you?”

 

Arthur didn't seem moved. Like he was talking about a business project at the office. Like it was no big deal. Like he wasn't talking about their lives!

 

Even though Arthur’s heart was beating outside of his chest. His palms sweaty. “We are.”

 

Merlin swallowed hard. His eyes started watering because he had the feeling there was more. And there was a foreboding feeling of doom that was starting to overwhelm him. He took a deep breath. He was hoarse when he spoke. “For how long?” Because four people going away for a few weeks did not add up.

 

Arthur swallowed, before grabbing another chip off his plate. Force yourself to eat! Make him feel like it’s not bothering you, Arthur had to keep reminding himself. “Six months.”

 

Merlin sucked in a breath. Before opening and closing his mouth a few times, unsure of what to say. He had no way of not knowing that there would be nothing that could be said to change Arthur’s mind. Especially with Morgana being involved. Morgana's plans were always iron-clad. Arthur’s plans tended to leave room for choice. And even though Arthur claimed Morgana had his consent for the resort Merlin knows that Arthur wouldn't have wanted to leave him like that. Just like he wouldn't want to leave him now. He was being pushed to do it. Merlin shook his head inwardly. There was something else. And who knows what Morgana's using to always get what she wants from Arthur. It wasn't a factor before Arthur’s illness. She wasn't so heavily involved. Even though that was his fault too. If he was there for Arthur originally, if he wasn't so wrapped up in his own life, if he was a friend even--back then, she wouldn't be so heavily involved now. But that’s besides the point. She wasn't allowing him even the full attempt to make it right. She’s behind this and there was no way around it. Merlin used his left hand to roughly wipe away some traitorous tears that fell unbeknownst to himself. “Six months.” Merlin repeated. Almost to himself.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Merlin swallowed hard. He wasn't ready to give up. He nodded. “Okay. I can request a transfer. I can--” He trailed off when Arthur started to shake his head. “What?”

 

Arthur swallowed, but he remained stoic in his expression. Even while he was falling apart on the inside. “I don’t...want you to come.”

 

“You don’t want...me.” Is what Merlin heard out of that sentence. Feeling Arthur’s rejection of him.

 

But Arthur didn't correct him. He only nodded.

 

Merlin gulped. As more tears started to fall from his face. “I thought.” He sucked in a breath. “I thought. I thought that we were going to take the time. For us to choose? And what about your therapy? What about your recovery? How can you do any of that while you’re away?” Merlin was grasping at straws.

 

“Nimueh has an office in New York. Close to the penthouse I will be staying in. She’s going to relocate to that office over the next six months. I've been her only patient in London for a few weeks now so it won’t be a hindrance to her for the move. Morgana's already cleared it.” Along with paying her a nice hefty bonus, Arthur added to himself in afterthought. “I can continue my recovery while I am away.”

 

And Merlin felt like the bottom fell out of his life. All of the words of encouragement from everyone else. Everyone saying that Arthur loved him. That he would choose him in the end. That Arthur wouldn't do anything to hurt him. All lies! And Nimueh, moving to New York. All Morgana. And Arthur’s going along with it! Merlin ran a hand through his hair. He only wished he had something stronger to drink besides beer. He could drink the bottle right now. “And what about us?” Merlin couldn't help but ask. It was the only thing Arthur hadn't mentioned. Like it was inconsequential, in comparison to everything else.

 

And Arthur was all but afraid to answer that question as he took in Merlin’s crestfallen expression. Knowing there was nothing that he could do for it this time. That this was yet another choice that was taken out of his hands. The only thing he could do is ensure that Merlin went on with his life. That he didn't think about him. Even if he ended up hating him for that to happen. “What about us?”

 

With rapid speed Merlin pushed himself from the dinner table, his chair colliding to the tiled flooring heavily. Anger rolling through him all of a sudden, while still managing to take some pleasure in seeing Arthur recoil. It was the first sign of emotion that Arthur’s shown since they started their conversation. “What about us?!” Merlin shrieked. “I’m in love with you, Arthur. And I know that you are in love with me.” Merlin nodded at Arthur hysterically. Because, despite Arthur’s coldness all of a sudden, it was something Merlin knew in his heart of hearts to be true. He was hoarse as he continued. The tears falling unbidden. “And now. You’re telling me that you are leaving to go to New York - for six months, after everything - and you have the nerve to repeat back to me what about us?!”

 

And Arthur felt like he was kicked in the chest. He deserved it. He needed it. He deserved to feel like the lowest of the low. Because he was. He was a horrible person to hurt Merlin. And Merlin needed to hate him. He needed to hate him enough in order to move on. To find someone else. So the blow would be lessened when he didn’t return. Arthur’s expression remained stoic while everything inside of him felt like his world was tilted off axis. Inwardly, he was screaming. “We are not meant to be together, Merlin.” Was all he could say. Merlin deserved an opportunity to move on without having to be attached to him.

 

“Yes we are!” Merlin shouted. “Yes we are! You know it, and I know it. We both know it!”

 

Arthur shook his head. “You deserve the best, Merlin. You deserve to find someone who’s right for you. You need to date. To be happy. To find someone to settle down with who will love you as much as you love them. You deserve a chance at real happiness. Something that you've been deprived of all these years. Something.” Arthur swallowed. “Something I can’t give you.” Despite Arthur’s good job in remaining stoic that last sentence came out like it was coming from a man in pain.

 

And Merlin attacked. “You’re lying!” He shrieked. Because he was. Something was not right and Arthur was lying to him, trying to push him away. And he refuses to admit it!

 

Arthur shook his head again. Because no, Arthur wasn't lying. If he only had a little more time left, but he doesn't, and Merlin deserved to have it all without him. And Merlin could do better. Not having to think about someone who just had a nervous breakdown. Not having to make sure that he ate. Not trying to make him open up. No longer having to be concerned about his gaining weight. No. Merlin deserved someone who was already completely put together. Who knew what he wanted and could have it. Someone without dependency issues. Someone who didn't lose some of his identity along the way. Someone, who was not him. And this was the only way to accomplish it in Arthur’s mind. A clean break. Because he was never strong enough to fight Merlin in steamroller mode. He wouldn't know how to say no, to anything. He loved him too much. Which would only mean that he would give Merlin anything he asked for including himself. The little resistance he had thus far was out of sheer self-preservation and in his channeling of Morgana. And if Merlin thought there was anything left to fight for, if he sensed any weakness, he wouldn't give up.

 

Arthur knew Merlin well enough to know that, and if Merlin pushed in steamroller mode. Arthur... would give in. Which would probably mean Merlin coming to stay in New York with him. And where would that leave Merlin when his father came for him? Once he got all of the information he needed to know about his condition. Or if, Arthur could be so fortunate as Morgana seems to think that they would be able to outsmart the great Uther Pendragon, from preventing him from finding out the truth? What difference would it make if he still had all of his dependency and identity issues? He would be prone for another breakdown the minute he felt insecure about Merlin’s love for him. Which would lead to him never feeling secure and always looking behind his back in fear that his father would find out about his condition. Either way. Neither he nor Merlin would be happy. No. Arthur shook his head inwardly. The only solution was to leave Merlin with the impression that there was nothing left between them to fight for. To hate him even. Anything, to make Merlin go on with his life. A clean break. Arthur’s tone turned condescending. “You wanted me to decide. Well I've decided, Merlin. We are not, meant to be together.”

 

And Merlin felt like he was punched in the gut. “That’s not true.” Merlin shook his head. Why was Arthur doing this?! Why was he lying?! He couldn't believe it. After seven, no! After thirteen years! He couldn't believe it! Merlin shook his head again. He his expression was beyond grief as he continued to fight. His tone was broken, and he couldn't understand how Arthur could sit there, casually drinking his beer, like none of this was affecting him! “I don’t believe you. I don’t believe you can sit right there and pretend that we meant nothing to each other when we both know that that’s a lie.” Merlin said while shaking his head.

 

Arthur shook his head too. “I’m not lying, Merlin.” Choosing not to respond to the the second half of Merlin’s sentence. “I promised you that I would think everything over and now I’m going away for six months, possibly longer. You shouldn't have to wait for a decision when I already know the answer. It wouldn't be fair to you. You’re still recovering, and I’m still screwed up. We’re not right for each other. Not in the long run.” Arthur tried to be as truthful as he could be in the middle of his lies because he did believe that he and Merlin were meant to be, because he did believe they were made for each other, that they completed each other. Just maybe, not in this lifetime. Not if he had to give up now. And he wanted a clean break, but he didn't want Merlin destroyed to accomplish it. Not like he himself was going to be. And it broke his heart to see Merlin falling apart before him. Even if he couldn't show it.

 

Merlin’s eyes darkened. His jaw clenched. Through the tears his anger was showing through. “I don’t believe you!” He yelled. “You told me that you loved me, Arthur. You did! Nobody forced you to do so. The first time yes, but not the other times.” Merlin shook his head. “You told me that you needed time. And yes, I was a little forceful in how that time was dictated out but time, I gave you just the same. However small. You said that you loved me for seven years and you wanted to make sure that I loved you for the right reasons. You wanted to make sure that we were right before we could be together. You danced with me, to tell me just how much your love for me meant to you. And you kissed me that time first, Arthur. You! Not me. It was the only time that you kissed me first but you did it all the same. You stopped me from from leaving town, calling me selfish for making a decision. Even if it was the cowards way out I was still, making a decision. You’re the one who asked me if it had to be all or nothing when I told you originally that I couldn't watch you with other people. I tried to accept it because I knew that wasn't fair to you and that I pushed too far. But try, I did. Because you asked me to.

 

You came to me, Arthur. When you came back from the resort. You wanted me to accept your support. Whether Will pushed you into it or not you could have left me be. And yes, I made the conditions. I got greedy, because I didn't want to lose you, but you wanted me as much as I wanted you. I know you did! And now…” Merlin swallowed hard. “And now...all of a sudden, you’re coming to me saying this, like you knew, this was going to be your decision all along. Saying that we are not meant to be and you want me to be…” There was a sound of pain that came from deep inside of Merlin before he threw another chair down on the floor. Arthur flinched. “You’re telling me that you want me to be happy...with someone else. After telling me that all you've ever wanted was me.” Merlin’s hands went into fist. “That’s fucking bullshit, Arthur and you know it?!?”

 

Arthur swallowed hard. It was fucking bullshit but he couldn't let on to that. Merlin was angry, if he could push just a little bit more… And it seemed Merlin understood him a lot better than Arthur thought he did over the past month. That he didn't miss everything. Even noticing some things that Arthur himself hadn't thought of with everything else that he had to deal with. But no one evaluates themselves under a microscope. They might be afraid of what they would find. He had to stop this because he couldn't keep himself under control much longer. His heart was already going to be broken for life. For however much longer that life would last. “It’s not bullshit. I told you that I had to make a decision and I've made it. We are not good for each other, Merlin. You do deserve better. And that’s an end to it.” Arthur was trembling. Visibly. But he was trying so hard to rein it all in.

 

But Merlin was looking for it. Some emotion from Arthur that would betray his words. Anything! “I don’t believe you.” Merlin said. He was visibly shaking too. His whole world was falling apart. And Arthur was trying to tell him that it meant nothing. Lies!

 

Arthur’s pressed his lips in tightly. He clenched his jaw. His back straightened. And he closed his emotions off and in that moment he was every bit of a Pendragon. It always told Merlin that he lost. Just like it did when Arthur went away to the resort. “It doesn't matter if you believe me. It just is. Whatever we've had between us is over, Merlin. We are not meant to be. Find someone who will make you happy. That person...isn't me.” Arthur said firmly.

 

And Merlin couldn't see before him anymore. It was like a dam broke loose and his tears were pouring freely. Unable to stop.

 

And Arthur may not have been crying outwardly, but he was crying inwardly. But this was the point in their discussion that would be the final clean break. “You will thank me for this one day.” Arthur said confidently. That part was true. “We need to leave by dawn. I have a plane to catch tomorrow evening.” Arthur finished before walking out of the room on shaky legs. He heard a wail on his exit. He knew that Merlin had broken down to tears. He couldn't turn back to comfort him. He couldn't say a thing. It would only betray all of his words. And Merlin would have fought him some more. Something he didn't have the strength to withstand. No. A clean break, Arthur reminded himself. Before he walked back to his bedroom. He could only make it to closing his bedroom door before he slid down to the floor, folding into himself, to weep. His life was over.

 

**

 

The ride back to London was even more quiet than the ride going. Merlin wouldn't even look at him and Arthur knew that he deserved it. He deserved every last bit of Merlin’s resentment. His hatred. There was nothing he could do about it. His life was not his own. As soon as they got to the flat Merlin grabbed his bags from the open trunk before slamming it and stomping off. Not even a goodbye. Not even a fuck you. And yes, Arthur deserved that too. He accomplished what he’d set out to do. A clean break.

 

**

 

Morgana had already had his bags packed when he arrived to his flat. Arthur couldn't talk to her. He couldn't speak to Gwaine either. He did manage a smile and a hug for his niece. She will always be his niece. Even if he wouldn't always be around to be her uncle. He went through everything that he had left to put together. Pictures of his grandparents, his mother, and his aunt. His mother’s family crest. And any momentum's that he could carry. He also brought his picture album of him and Merlin. It was all of the choice pictures that he’d kept along the years. Pictures they took in black tie, at the pub, at amusement parks, vacation spots, or just pictures that they took around their flat. It may have been a clean break for Merlin but it would never be a clean break for Arthur. Because Merlin was right. All he ever wanted was Merlin. Nothing short of Merlin would ever do. Even if he somehow managed to overcome his depression. Even if he had to date others for his recovery. It would always be Merlin.

 

**

 

Morgana tried to speak with him on the plane again. Several times. He pretended to sleep. He still couldn't speak to her. He didn't know what to say. He thought back to their conversation. “Even if she had to do something drastic.” Well. What she did was beyond drastic. She singlehandedly ripped his heart out and ruined his life. Somewhere. On another level. Beneath all of his pain. His numbness. And his feeling of utter despair. He knew that she was only trying to protect him. She held the same fears that he did. Even though she was fortunate enough to never fall into a severe depression.

 

It didn't mean that he would be speaking with her today though. Or tomorrow even. Maybe not even the next day with the exception of work. Not while his life felt like it was over. Not after what he had to do to Merlin. Even though it was by his choice on how he executed their final encounter. Even though it was his choice to end it the way that he had. Because he wasn't strong enough to face Merlin any other way without giving in. Because he loved Merlin too much and knew that he wouldn't win. Arthur swallowed hard as he gazed out the window briefly, before he closed his eyes and contemplated the meaning of it all.

 

**

 

Knock Knock Knock!!

 

“Merls, open up the door!”

 

No Answer.

 

Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock!!!!!!!!!!

 

“Merls, open this door right now before I use the spare key!”  

 

Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“You think your funny getting rid of the spare key, but Arthur made Mithian and me copies of it after I told him about what happened the last time.”

 

No Answer.

 

“Dammit, Merls!” Was all Will could say before he opened the door, turned on the light, and stilled, losing his voice. Stunned by what he saw. The flat looked looked terrible. Things was thrown everywhere. From sofa cushions, pillows, glasses, lamps, the coffee table, books, to DVDs. The only thing visible left standing was an empty bottle of Vodka on the side of the wall where Merlin would sometimes sit. Will swallowed hard. He watched where he was walking, in an effort to try to prevent stepping on any glass, as he walked down the hallway. His heart in his throat. Fearing what he might find. Morgana called him to tell him that they had to return back early and that Arthur wasn't talking. She advised him to check on Merlin. To make sure that he was alright. Thinking they could have gotten into an argument or something. Will shook his head. The flat did not look like the results from an argument. Not when it looked like a tornado blew through it. Merlin didn't even do this after Arthur left for the resort. Nor did he do this after the time he had to take to process everything that was happening to him early on in psychotherapy. Both times. He was in a bad state. But this was...different. He heard water coming from the shower. He knocked. “Merls?” Will called out hesitantly.

 

No answer.

 

“Merls!!”

 

No answer.

 

He had a bad feeling about this.

 

“Fuck it!” Will said, before opening the door to be hit with all of the steam. The shower must have been running for a very long time. Because Will could barely see before him. When he opened the glass shower door he froze again from what he saw. Merlin was naked. Lips, hands, nose, and toes turning slightly bluish purple. Like one would expect from being out in the cold for long periods of time. His teeth were chattering. And he was crying silently. Will stood directly in Merlin’s line of sight and it looked like Merlin saw right through him. It looked like he was in shock. The only good thing in this picture at all was that Merlin was still breathing and there were no cuts and bruises anywhere. But...still... “Dammit.” Will said to himself. “What the hell happened?!” He said to himself again. “Merls?”

 

No response.

 

“Fuck it all to hell!” Will cursed, as he turned off the cold shower water - it must have ran out of hot, Will thought - and stooped down to pick up Merlin. Merlin may be fit but he was still able to be picked up fairly easily, for some. That is. If you could manage his long limbs. And the dead weight from being under the water stream all of this time. He picked Merlin up in a fireman’s carry and carried him to his room, laying Merlin gently on his bed. Merlin’s eyes were open but he was still unresponsive. Hollow somehow. “Shit! How long was he in that shower for and how much did he have to drink?! Was it the entire bottle?!” Will said to himself as he went to the linen closet to grab extra towels and blankets. He was in tears as he watched his friend. He quickly went back to the room to dry Merlin off. And then he went through Merlin’s things to grab extra sweats and socks to put on him, to make him warm, before bundling him up with blankets. It was all that he could think of doing. Will wasn't a doctor of medicine, but he thought he got there in time before hypothermia took effect. The next thing he did was put on the kettle for some tea. Merls needed to get warm, Will thought to himself, and soon. He made back into the room in time to see Merlin blinking. Will let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding as he came to sit on the bed, tea in hand.

 

“Merls? Can you hear me?”

 

Merlin was still trembling. His teeth, still chattering. He blinked again. Like he didn't even know that Will was there. And after taking a look around his room. Realizing he wasn't in the shower anymore, Will suspected. He wrapped himself tighter in his blankets and managed a nod.

 

“How many fingers am I holding up?”

 

Merlin tried for an eye-roll but it hurt. His face felt like it was in pain from all of the crying. His eyes especially. His head was hurting too. He was feeling a migraine trying to set in. “Seven.” Merlin croaked out.

 

“Good.” Will said through his tears with a smile. “What’s your middle name?”

 

“I’m...fine, Will.” Merlin forced himself to say before Will went to the extreme.

 

Merls didn’t look fine. Will wanted to say. “Answer the question, Merls.” Was what he did say.

 

Merlin swallowed around the knot in his throat. “Ambrosius.” Why his mum named him that? Merlin would never understand. He didn't care how much his father liked the name. They had no idea of how much a child could be teased when parents thought of crazy names for their kids. The same kids they claimed to love.

 

“Very good.” Will nodded again, before setting the tea cup on the nightstand and pulling Merlin up gently so he was sitting up, back and head resting against his headboard.  “I’ve made you some tea. Can you manage to hold it on your own?

 

Merlin nodded slowly. He reached for the tea cup. His hands were still trembling, but he managed to hold the cup steady enough without it falling. The tea burnt his tongue and throat going down but it took away the numb feeling that he felt. He relished in the feeling. Because all he could feel was emptiness. Arthur was gone. And there was nothing he could do to bring him back. Because, once again, he was good enough to stop Arthur from leaving him behind. From choosing him. And just like that Merlin felt like his heart break all over again. And he felt something crack down deep in his soul. Because every single thing that he was working towards. Every hope that he and Arthur would be together… Was gone. It was over. And it would never, ever, be the same again.

 

Will took the cup from Merlin once he was finished. “What...what happened?” He had to ask.

 

“He’s gone.” Was all Merlin could say before the floodgates opened again and he started to cry.

 

Will’s heart went out to Merlin. There was nothing that he could do to take away the pain and Merlin was not in a state to explain. The only thing Will could do - and did - was climb into the bed with his friend to hold him as he wept.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I can say is please don't hate on the author. The events in this chapter happened for a reason. And my promises for a Merthur happy ending still stands.
> 
> The next chapter will show what Merlin and Arthur went through. So it will probably be a long one too. And there will also be a time jump occurring too so you won't be without our favorite pairing for long. I thought I'd say that in case anyone was wondering.
> 
> With that being said...a penny for your thoughts.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to start off by thanking you all for sending in such wonderful reviews. It continues to encourage and inspire me with this story. And I love reading your many thoughts and perspectives on it as well. If I haven't responded to your review I will be doing so very shortly. Please don't stop sending them in. They have really given me the inspiration that I needed to take the boys on this journey. And I hope you all are still enjoying the ride as well.
> 
> This chapter is another lengthy one. And it is unbeta'd. If you see anything, please feel free to let me know and I will make the necessary corrections. I read through this chapter several times. So much so that I realized that if I had a beta this chapter would have been posted days ago. But tis life for me. It doesn't mean that I missed anything so please feel free to point it out to me. With that being said, I hope you enjoy the chapter!

Merlin didn't leave his flat for a solid week. He spent most of his days crying. Angry at the world. And intoxicated. That was, until Will removed his stash of alcohol supplies. It took Merlin three _more_ days to truly reflect on things. After overcoming the shock and horror of his situation. It felt like his life was over. Like everything he lived for up to this point made it all inconsequential. Because for the past thirteen years, his entire life revolved around Arthur Pendragon. And Arthur, was his everything. Even when Merlin hadn't realized it. Even when he ignored it. But when he did realize it. When he reacquainted himself with his feelings for Arthur. It was clear. And just as sure as the air that he was breathing. He and Arthur may not have been lovers, but there has been _no one_ who's _ever_ affected him in the way that Arthur has. _Ever._ And sure. He's had a life, relationships, uni, a career, family, and friends, but in the midst of that. That one constant thing - that's never changed - was...Arthur. And in one abrupt instance - without time to adjust - Arthur, was gone. Forget about his metaphorical shelf, and keeping Arthur there – where he could always have him - this goes far beyond that. Far more beyond that than Merlin could have _ever_ imagined. And why? Because Arthur, removed himself completely out of his life. Not just from the shelf. No, Arthur wanted to take it a few notches further. Arthur not only removed himself. He separated himself, placed a body of water between them, uprooted his entire family - with the exception of his father who had to run the corporate office – and _moved_. He _moved_. Into a new flat, with new doors, new windows, and new locks and bolts. All with one intent, and that was to keep Merlin away. It sent a message to Merlin in big and bold letters that screamed: **NO TRESPASSERS ALLOWED**

 

And after thirteen years, Merlin, was considered a trespasser. It made Merlin's heart ache every time he thought of it.

 

Arthur, ended things with him. Before they officially began. And if that wasn't enough. Arthur couldn't even provide a valid reason why aside from saying that they weren't meant to be. That they weren't _good_ for each other, and that Arthur wanted him to be happy. After declaring their love for each other. After showing it in every way - except for sex - and that's _,_ _how_ Arthur decided to _end_ things?! In what life-time would that ever make fucking sense?! Certainly not in his! Because in order for it to make sense, Arthur would have to be honest about the real reasons why they weren't meant to be together in the first place. Something that he failed to provide during their entire argument. Something, Arthur _refused_ to provide. In favor of stressing the point that he had to make a decision and that he'd made it. It was complete bullshit! And an attempt to cover for the things that Arthur chose _not_ to say. Because Arthur never once said that he didn't love him anymore, nor did he say that he no longer wanted to be with him. Those words were never came out of Arthur's mouth. And Merlin knows this, because he stressed both points in their argument. He even pushed for a reaction out of Arthur to hear it. To hear some faint resemblence of truth because Merlin wasn't buying anything that Arthur was trying to sell him. And still, those words were never said.

 

Merlin groaned inwardly under his blankets, where he hid himself away from Will and the rest of the world. Arthur wasn't being entirely truthful with him. That he knew. Arthur was omitting the truth. He knew that too. And instead of being truthful Arthur decided to push him away. Something, Merlin was all too familiar with. And what made it worse. His feelings for Arthur were - are - strong, intense, and full of love. Not something to be smothered easily. If ever. Those feelings made everything harder and even more overwhelming. And there was no doubt in his mind that Arthur felt the same way too. Arthur's love for him showed clearly. Even when he attempted to hide it, even when he was trying to withdraw from it. In was clear. In his heart beat, his looks, his touches, his protectiveness, his support, his words, and in the meaning _behind_ his words. It showed through it all. Those were the signs that Merlin hadn't missed over the past month. Even if he needed reassurances at times. There was no reason for the break up.

 

And Arthur had never pushed him away before. He always made him feel loved and wanted. Until that final conversation happened that threw him completely off kilter. Because it went against every encounter that he and Arthur had over the past thirteen years. Going against everything that's been said by others, including Morgana, and Arthur himself, about Arthur's feelings for him in the past seven. Merlin swallowed. Arthur couldn't say that he didn't love him anymore because that would be a lie. He couldn't say that he didn't want to be with him anymore because that would be a lie too. Which led him to believe that the whole entire speech, along with the excuses for it, was a lie.

 

But it wasn't like he didn't fight for Arthur. It wasn't like he didn't tell Arthur that he didn't believe him. He did all of the that. It was Arthur who decided to end things. For whatever his reasons were to end things. To move away - for six months - to cement that ending. Arthur didn't even have to come back for therapy visits, nor did he have to find a new therapist, because Nimueh was going with them too. The whole situation seemed rigged. And Merlin couldn't help the feeling in his gut that all signs led back to Morgana. That it had her name written all over it. Either she encouraged it or she orchestrated it. And the motive...to keep Arthur far away from him. And not just a healthy distance.

 

Merlin couldn't exactly fault Arthur on his decision to leave. It wasn't like he himself didn't attempt to do the same thing. And purely for his own reasons. Because he was afraid. Because he didn't want to have to wait on the sidelines while Arthur dated to end up not being with him in the end. He understood that Arthur was required to go to New York for work. That was the only part of Arthur's words that made sense. Given Arthur's last name. And the fact that the company was willed to be his one day. But what was the reason behind everything else? Obviously it was an assignment that he didn't have to go to on his own if Morgana went along. Obviously it wasn't the siblings only who were allowed to go if Gwaine and Autumn were going too, so there was no reason for Arthur to decline his offer for going to New York to be with him. Merlin had to wonder if Arthur declining his offer had something to do with Mordred. If Mordred was going to end up in New York the way everyone else was somehow being uprooted to ensure that Arthur followed through with his recovery while he was away. The thought made him want to cry all over again.

 

It wasn't like Arthur couldn't have finished his time to contemplate what he wanted to happen between them. Merlin already agreed to the time. The time-frame was never provided. And Merlin never asked for one either. There was no reason why Arthur couldn't have gone away, gotten better, and came back with a decision. Merlin groaned at his own lie. There would definitely have been a reason there, because he himself didn't think he would have been that patient in waiting for Arthur's decision for six _more_ months, while Arthur was living happily a continent away. And he wouldn't have been able to trust in what Arthur was doing either. Not if Mordred was going. And not considering the fact that his therapist was practically prescribing him to speed date to recover, in a possible effort to get over him.

 

Merlin didn't know what to think about that. Or how to feel. He realized that his chances were slim with Morgana and Uther having such a heavy influence over Arthur's life and choices but...he thought that there was always a chance. That Arthur would eventually stand above that. That he wouldn't _let_ them interfere. That Arthur would _choose_ , to be with him anyway. Like he would have done over the past seven years if only Merlin himself was smart enough to interpret the big and bold obvious signs that everyone else seemed to have noticed. If only he never blocked his feelings in the first place. If only Arthur told him how he felt about him. If only Merlin himself had told Arthur the same, when he discovered his feelings for Arthur first. There were so many what ifs to their situation that it wasn't even funny anymore. So many things that could have gone wrong that _did_ go wrong. But in the midst of it all there were so many things that did go right and Merlin couldn't find it in his heart to wish that none of it ever happened. To wish that he never met Arthur at all. To wish that they never fell in love. That would never be the case for him.

 

Even if it seems that Arthur may have disagreed. If moving away, ending things so cruelly, and uprooting house and home had anything to show for Arthur's disagreement. Which it kind of did. Considering it showed a clear message to Merlin in big and bold neon letters that read plainly how over it was between them. It made Merlin's heart ache.

 

And Merlin had never been so angry. He never acted like that before. He never yelled at Arthur like that before. He never lost complete control. And now, even though he's still angry, even though he hated Arthur during moments over the past week, he regretted the fact that he didn't take the chances given to say goodbye. He regretted it, because thirteen years was a long time to be together to refuse to say goodbye out of sheer stubbornness and hurt. Even if Arthur deserved it. He decided not to beat himself up over it though. Arthur wasn't looking for a goodbye. In fact, Arthur wasn't looking for him to do anything but to accept their break up for what it was and to get on with his life. Whatever life he was going to have without Arthur in it anyway. And if Arthur's coldness had anything to show for it. He didn't care how Merlin was going to go about accomplishing the task. No. It appeared to be the least of Arthur's worries and concerns.

 

**

 

Will never left the flat. Merlin wasn't expecting him to. Because Will wouldn't know personal space if someone tried to show it to him, or if they attempted to draw an illustration on a neon sign. Not when it came to him. And Will would turn a death ear to instruction if that meant he wouldn't know what was going on. Which was anytime Merlin felt like his life was over. Something that happened a lot over the past month. And just like then, Will was there to help pick up the pieces. Even if Merlin lied copiously telling Will that he was okay. Which he tried to do. And apparently failed to convince. Which was why Merlin spent most of his first week under his blankets hiding out in his room. The lot wanted to come by too, to check on him. But Will advised them that he seemed to be in a bit of shock. That he was still taking it all in and that he needed a few more days to adjust before seeing anyone. Merlin knew that to be true. And if anyone would be able to judge that it would have been Will. The one who's seen him at his worse. Or Arthur. Who Merlin was trying _not_ to think of. But Will. Will had always been a permanent fixture in his life. Will may have his wife. He may have his daughter. He may even have his career. But when the chips were down. Will was always there, for him. And Will would never leave him alone. Never abandon him. Even if Merlin wanted Will to.

 

~ * ~

 

It was on the fourth day that he told Will the entire story – well, as much as Merlin could tell him because he still felt like he was missing things himself - about the argument between him and Arthur.

 

~ * ~

 

To say Will was shocked would be an understatement if his mouth, gaping like a fish – for a solid minute - was anything to go by.

 

And Will was shocked. He could hardly believe what he was hearing. It was the last thing he expected _to_ hear. He cleared his throat. “You mean to say... that that's _all_ he had to say?” Will asked cautiously. Fumbling his words. The shock clearly not wearing off yet. While still keeping Merlin's fragile state in mind. Nothing, about that argument, nothing of the words said, sounded like Arthur at all. He's known Arthur for thirteen years too, and from day one Arthur's done nothing _but_ be there for Merlin. Even Will, was once jealous of the relationship between Merlin and Arthur. Jealous of how quickly they became so close. Jealous of how Merls looked at Arthur like he hung the sky in his brilliance. Like Arthur could _do_ no wrong. Like Merls would follow him into the depths of hell if Arthur so chose to go there. He was jealous. Of how easy it was for Merls to leave him behind for Arthur. Without thought. On automatic. Will being sold or replaced. Arthur being moved in in Will's stead. It took him a while to realize that he hadn't been. Well. Not really. He and Merls were family – brothers - and not, _only_ best mates. No one could take that away from them. _Not even Arthur_. And that thought made Will feel easier about Merls and Arthur's unique friendship.

 

But it didn't stop there.

 

No. Arthur had to be the one to take it another step further. He had to go off the deep end by falling in love with Merls. And the poor lad didn't know what hit him because it happened so fast when it did, so effortlessly, that not even the great Arthur Pendragon – one of the world's most wealthy and eligible bachelors - realized what happened. That was, until he did. And Arthur, at a complete loss, was scared shitless enough _not_ to say anything about it until his drunken confession. But for anyone who knew and understood Arthur well enough - they knew - because his love for Merlin was clear, without any bounds. And then the signs, the depression, the weight loss, the breakdown, the declaration of Merls' feelings, the resort, and the recovery. Arthur showed his love again by putting his own recovery aside for Merls first - aside from what his therapist wouldn't bend on - to help Merls get better. Just from one call of distress, when he told Arthur what was going on with Merls, and Arthur was there. The only thing that Arthur didn't do was immediately come back deciding to have a relationship with Merls. But now. To turn around and say they weren't _meant to be_ together. _Now._ After all this time... Was nothing short of saying that the sky wasn't blue or that the most consumed drink for the British wasn't tea! It was sacrilege! Because anyone, upon hearing any of those remarks would automatically say that that wasn't true. Which meant...neither was Arthur's argument. An argument, that had too many holes in it to be considered an argument. Which only left Will to believe that Arthur was lying, and to wonder why.

 

Will shook his head. This was about Merlin. He'd think about what the hell was going on with Arthur Pendragon later because there was nothing about their argument that actually made any sense. Will understood that sometimes when you're depressed that there were times when one would act spontaneously but, he couldn't recall a time when that applied to Arthur. Everything that Arthur's ever done was strategic and well thought out, _if_ , he wasn't thrown in surprise first. And even then, Arthur tried to consider all available options before, making a decision. Will nibbled on his bottom lip. There was more to this, and there was more to the story. It would have to wait. Because he wasn't looking at Arthur - who moved across continents at the moment - he was looking at his best friend.

 

Merlin nodded. Expression. Withdrawn. Clearly trying to hold in the pain. “It's all that he said. That we weren't meant to be together. That he wanted me to be happy. To move on with my life. To date. To find the one. The one who wasn't him.” It didn't make sense. If Merlin lived to be a thousand it would _never_ make sense!

 

Will took a sip of his tea. They were in the living room and sitting on the couch. It was the first time Will managed to persuade Merlin to leave his bedroom in days. To let the sunshine in through the curtains. To shower. To change. To eat. And to attempt to move past the nightmare of the past week. “Did you believe him?” Was all Will could ask.

 

Merlin shook his head, before wincing. “At first I didn't. I fought him tooth and nail. I never went through such an array of emotions so quickly in years. I almost forgot what it was like. I went from sad, to hurt, to heartbroken, to angry, to heartbroken again. Until I settled on being just plain numb.” Merlin shook his head. “But his argument was so convincing, Will.” Merlin sucked in a breath. “And he was so detached. So... _cold_. Like it meant nothing to him. Like our years meant nothing to him. Like I meant nothing to him.” Merlin added the last sentence as an afterthought. “I felt like _I_ meant _nothing_ to him. Like I never did, and for that instance, it felt like everything that we had together over the years was all for nought.” Merlin curled up in his safe position. Bringing his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them, and placing his chin on top. “He wanted me to _feel_ like he didn't love me anymore.”

 

“ _Ouch!”_ Well thought to himself, as he drew in a breath. “But you don't? Believe him that is?” Because that sounded strategic and well thought out. But...why?

 

Merlin shook his head. “He had me believing it at first. I was so angry. I trashed the dining room. I called Arthur out on everything that we were. Tried to look for any spark of emotion--”

 

“But it wasn't there?” Will finished for him before swallowing.

 

Merlin shook his head again and swallowed hard. “No, it _was_ there.” Merlin shook his head. “We've known each other for far too long. He couldn't quite hide everything, not while I was looking for it, and not even if he wanted to. He was masking it, Will. And sometimes it would seep through anyway. He _wanted_ me to feel like this. He wanted me to...” Merlin took a deep breath. “He wanted me to _hate_ him and he didn't _stop..._ until I did.” There was a thin line between love and hate. And Merlin crossed it in an instance during that encounter. It didn't last throughout, but it was there. The only thing that kept the hate at bay was knowing that Arthur was clearly lying to him. It didn't stop his heart from breaking though, the words evidently made it's mark. Like an arrow hits it's bullseye. Just like Arthur intended it to. And that was the end of their conversation. Because with those last words Merlin stopped speaking to Arthur too. He stopped speaking to him for the rest of that last day at the lake-house. He ignored any dinner requests and he ignored Arthur for the entire ride back to London. Not even saying goodbye when Arthur dropped him back off at their flat. And why would he have said anything else? There was _nothing_ to say while Arthur was pretending like nothing mattered between them at all.

 

Will looked thoughtful. “Did anything else happen between the two of you?”

 

Merlin ran a hand through his hair roughly, while shaking his head. “No.”

 

“Nothing weird at all to account for Arthur's sudden change in behavior?” Will wasn't going to stay on this topic for much longer. Merls could continue on with this discussion forever. Even though it was difficult, it would still be easier for him. It would deflect the conversation from any thoughts of himself and how he was dealing with all of this. Merls needed to think about what he was going to do and how this was going to affect his life. Aside from...the obvious.

 

Merlin tugged at his hair rubbed his chin thoughtfully with his right hand and fingers. He stopped crying a day ago. He had no more tears _left_ to cry. The only thing he felt right now was empty. “No, there was nothing to account for his sudden change in behavior. We were doing fine. Even though I knew that something was bothering Arthur that he refused to tell me about. He even managed to pick up weight under my watch.” Merlin licked his lips. “There was nothing that I could see that would have made Arthur do a complete 360 though.” That was true.

 

“He never let on on what was bothering him?” Will pressed.

 

Merlin shook his head. “No.” He grimaced. “He never let on to that.” Arthur kept those thoughts under lock and key.

 

Will nodded. Whatever _that_ was, _that_ was probably the cause of Arthur's sudden change in behavior which sparked the change in everything else. “How are _you_ feeling?”

 

Merlin's eyes widened. He sucked in a breath. “Like I lost my best friend. Like I lost the love of my life. Without any explanation as to why. I don't know _how_ , I'm supposed to feel.” Merlin swallowed hard. “If I had to give three words to define the feelings it it would be empty. Hollow. And alone.”

 

Will grimaced. Because that would probably be how he felt if he lost Soph and Aries. And he doubted that he would ever recover from the feeling if he did. He only hoped that Merls could. “What are you going to do?”

 

“I'm going to do all that I can do. I'm going to try to move on. If Arthur wants me to date, to get out there, to try to move on because he doesn't deem me worthy any longer to be in his life than that's exactly what I'm going to do. But I'm going to need time. They say that time heals all things right?” Merlin tried for a smile, it turned into a grimace.

 

“Right.” Was all Will could say. Because he didn't know how that applied to _true_ love. It s different when someone dies. Because eventually you come to a point where you know that you have to move on. But for the living. When you know that things were left unresolved. Somewhere deep down inside. You'll always know that there's that open door of opportunity left. And that open door of opportunity... always leaves room for hope. Like a light that never goes out. Will kept those thoughts to himself though. He didn't know how wise it would be _to_ hope. Not the way that Arthur left it, and _not_ while Merls was in this state. When he finally had a plan to _attempt_ to move on. Somehow, Will doubted that Arthur would be doing the same. Specially since his argument didn't say anything about what he himself would be doing. It was still only focused on Merlin and what _Merlin_ should be doing. Arthur, left no closure for himself.

 

**

 

The next month past quickly as Merlin attempted to live again. He resumed his psychotherapy sessions with Dr. Monmouth and worked towards picking up the pieces of the desolation called his life. He _lived_ again. One second at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, and one _day_ at a time.

 

**

 

In the middle of the second month, Merlin decided it was time to go back to work. With Dr. Monmouth's blessing. He didn't stop his psychotherapy sessions however. And Dr. Monmouth didn't advise him to. He thought it best that they kept to their sessions at least once a week for the time being. For however long it would take to make sure that Merlin was where he needed to be. The sessions were paid for of course. Which, probably had something to do with how long his psychotherapy sessions would _continue_ to run for. Merlin figured he himself would have to put a stop to it when he was confident enough to let it go. Merlin recently discovered that what his insurance didn't cover, Arthur had already picked up the tab for, leaving Merlin himself with no expenses. It was done in advance, as it seemed the money was placed on a retainer account. And upon further digging, Merlin was informed that the account was set in place at or around the time that Arthur returned from the resort. Something else, Arthur failed to tell him about. Not that it surprised Merlin though. It was such an Arthur thing to do. _“Always taking care of me.”_ Merlin whispered to himself when he found out. Feeling his heart ache - as a reminder of his loss - which prompted the thought that the gesture itself wasn't the MO of a man who claimed that they weren't meant to be.

 

~ * ~

 

It was also in the middle of the second month, with the encouragement of the lot and Will, that Merlin started to date again. _“Maybe things will be different for you this time.” Will said encouragingly. “You closed yourself off for so long that you may not have been able to give yourself a fair shot at relationships before. Even if you thought you had. Maybe this, is the time for you now.”_ On his third date, with Thomas, someone Elena set him up with, Merlin realized that that wasn't the case. The only person he really closed himself off from where feelings were concerned, was Arthur. The other blokes never fitted because they weren't _right_ for him, and...because of his own insecurities and issues. The sex, the many dates, the relationships, all coping mechanisms to supplement for his walls and how he lived his life. It wasn't the same anymore. The joy was gone. Because he didn't need a supplement. Merlin even tried to have sex again, a few times with different blokes. The sex was meaningless because there were no feelings behind it. Especially now that he had feelings to compare it to. Now that he had an idea, of what it _should_ feel like. Either it was too soon or he was well and truly done with relationships for now. And what did that tell him? Fuck if Merlin knew! But he kept trying. It was all he could do. And while he tried. He lived. As best as he could under the circumstances.

 

**

 

On the third month. Things started to change, and life became a bit easier. It didn't stop him from missing Arthur desparately though. But he didn't feel like he was going to fall apart inside if someone mentioned Arthur's name anymore either. Which was a huge improvement. Merlin even tried to call Arthur. Only to find that Arthur's number was blocked from receiving calls—from him. Will told him that he'd spoken with Morgana, and that she advised that Arthur was _coping_. That was _all_ that she said in regards to Arthur. No details on his progress. No details in regards to _how_ he was doing. And no details in regards to why Arthur broke it off with him in the way that he had. The only thing she could say was that she had no idea that Arthur was going to break up with Merlin in the way that he had. But that it was Arthur's decision and that she would support her brother through it. It was the same explanation that she gave to the lot too where Arthur was concerned. As his phone was blocked from receiving calls from them too. She would talk about herself, Gwaine, Autumn, New York, and even about work. But any mention of Arthur, and she would become tight lipped, distant, and suddenly had something of high importance to do prompting her to end the call. Which meant that - no one - knew _anything,_ of what was going on with Arthur. And apparently Morgana advised Gwaine to do the same because when they tried him, Gwaine wasn't talking either. But no one could misinterpret the tone in Gwaine's voice whenever Arthur's name was mentioned. It was a tone of worry. Of concern.

 

He and Arthur may have ended the way that they had but, it was pure agony for Merlin, not knowing how Arthur was doing. If he recovered, if he got better, how he was coping, and if Arthur was thinking of him. The way that... Merlin...was thinking about him.

 

~ * ~

 

The lot came by often to visit him, and so did his mum and Gaius, often. They constantly checked on him too, to make sure that he was alright. And to reassure themselves that he was indeed – living - and not _pretending_ to be. Basically, they were making sure that he was eating, and _not_ falling into some kind of depression. They came to a realization that there were things that they'd _all_ missed over the years. Even if they didn't miss as much as he did. Merlin didn't think _anyone_ missed as much as he did. Nevertheless, it prompted them to look after each other more, to be closer, from now on. It started by them resuming their pub nights again. And then having dinners at each others' homes. They were even thinking of joining a bowling or a pool league. Merlin couldn't cook before of course. And he still couldn't cook now. But that didn't seem to stop the lot from invading his flat anyway, either bringing food or cooking it. Nope, it didn't seem like he was going to get out of his turn for the unwritten dinner schedule in place anytime in the near future. But it felt good. Normal somehow. And it felt like he was finally starting to get on with his life. In baby steps.

 

**

 

At the end of the third month, Vivian gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Little Tauren Alexander Thomas weighed in at eight pounds five ounces and he was precious. The perfect combination of she and Elyan with Vivian's blonde hair and Elyan's brown eyes. It was finally, a real cause for celebration. It was no secret of what Vivian and Elyan endured through their first miscarriage, or how Vivian was having a hard time in her second attempt at motherhood. And it showed. There was no stopping the tears of joy falling from Vivian and Elyan eyes. Even as the lot was allowed to enter the room to visit. But even in the happiness, it felt like something was missing too. And it wasn't too hard to think of what it was. Arthur always made a big thing about their friends having children. He wasn't titled 'uncle' by all of the children for nothing afterall. He always brought the biggest gifts and wore the brightest smile on his face every time a new child was brought into the world. Every time he became an uncle again. And no one, could display more happiness, more joy for the new parents than Arthur did. His love for children was always there. And it was for that reason, that his absence was felt among them all. Heavily. Even though Vivian and Elyan tried their best to hide their disappointment from everyone. It was a reminder to all of how much they missed their friends.

 

Their absence didn't stop Morgana from sending a huge care package for every need a newborn baby could possibly have. It didn't stop Gwaine, from sending cognac and brandy to continue their celebrations for a solid month if that was their choice. Nor did it stop Autumn, from making a card for Vivian and Elyan in celebration. But it was the last set of gifts that surprised Merlin the most. There was also a big bouquet of assorted roses, Belgium chocolates, and certificates for a three-day spa retreat for all of the ladies as the friends of her choice sent to Vivian. And that gift was sent from Arthur. Merlin remembered that Arthur always thought that the person actually _delivering_ the baby deserved the most presents. And even though Arthur believed that, it didn't stop him from sending Cuban cigars and bottles of champagne for Elyan and all of the men. Nor did it stop him from sending little Tauren baby clothes, supplies, gift certificates, toys, and blankets. And upon hearing the women protesting – they all knew Arthur better than that, he would _never_ jip the ladies - Elyan was forced to pull out the remaining cigars and champagne for the women too. Elyan was being discreet, but he was trying to hide some away, in his attempt to keep those for himself. Vivian rebuked him for that one. Because she knew Arthur wouldn't have done that either. That brought about some laughs.

 

Arthur wasn't there, but it was obvious he remembered what his presence meant to the rest of them. And Morgana did manage to call both Vivian and Elyan. Which told them all that even though they weren't coming back to London just yet, that they weren't very far away from the thoughts of the Pendragons. Even if, no one heard from Arthur since the time he left for New York, apart from sending the gifts. Even if, he completely isolated himself from everyone else. Like he wanted to punish himself. Like he felt he deserved to be punished. Like he was punishing Merlin in turn by walking out of his life.

 

**

 

The next thought for Merlin on the fourth month, after struggling through the last three. Was deciding on what to do about the flat. Should he stay or should he leave? The flat was his too but it was still Arthur's. Purchased by Arthur and paid for _by_ Arthur. Along with furnishing, utilities, groceries, and etc. Of course, Merlin got to pick out things too. His personality was just as much in the flat as Arthur's was but, it still was Arthur, who took care of all the financial responsibility and anything to do with the upkeep. Merlin didn't even have to pay for groceries if he chose not to, because Arthur had set up a flat account as soon as Merlin moved in. Two debit/Visa cards. With authorization for Merlin to use and make choices on, just like Arthur. To purchase _anything_ that _he_ needed. Every expense, paid for. Merlin didn't realize how much he took for granted until now. Like it was always supposed to be there. Like Arthur, was always supposed to be there. But that was then. And this was now. Merlin thought to himself. He needed to see what was there now. He needed to know if he could, actually afford all of those expenses on his own. All of those things that he never concerned himself with before. It was time, for him to start taking some of that responsibility.

 

Merlin couldn't say that his jaw didn't _drop_ by what he found out.

 

When he contacted their landlord he was told that the rent had been paid up for the next five years. Merlin gasped out on the phone in shock. Before asking the date of the transaction. It took the representative a few minutes, but she responded, “about three months ago.” She looked a little further providing the date “It was deposited into an account for us to withdraw from on January 6.” Nearly two days after he returned from the lake-house. _“Arthur paid it while he was away,”_ Merlin thought to himself. He got the same surprise when he checked the flat account. There was enough money there to pay for all expenses for even _longer_ than five years. Merlin thought, after calculating everything. It wasn't like he was providing for an _army_ after all. Considering Merlin would be living on his own.

 

~ * ~

 

“I feel like I've been divorced, with the family flat and alimony being provided in the settlement.” Merlin said, stunned, while knocking forehead into the cafeteria table. Merlin thought if he looked hard enough he'd find more things paid for too. He decided against it. For now. He was married, and never realized it. Only to become divorced, without realizing that either.

 

“I wouldn't exactly call it being divorced, Merlin.” Mithian said while she and Merlin were sitting in the hospital cafeteria. Both on the late night shift. “But it sounds like he didn't want you to _want_ for _anything_.” That's what she got out of that. Arthur wanted Merlin to have the same quality of life that he had while Arthur himself was there to provide it. He didn't want Merlin to want for anything and he wanted Merlin to be happy.

 

“I want for him!” Merlin almost snapped, but upon catching Mithian widening her eyes and her sudden flinch, he refrained. It wasn't her fault. “I want for him.” Merlin said lower, as he sat up. Because it was true. He was living. He was breathing. He was eating. He was sleeping. He was seeing his psychotherapist. He was working. He was even continuing to make an effort to date. He was _functioning_. But there was no mistake about it. He was left _wanting_. And all he had left to show for any of it was that last conversation when Arthur told him that they weren't meant to be together. And if it could be any worse. Arthur basically removed himself out of his life. Wholly. Morgana, Gwaine, and Autumn were scheduled to return by the end of the month and there was no word on when Arthur would be returning. In fact, the only thing that he did hear was that Arthur may be extending his trip. In Merlin's mind. Arthur. Wasn't planning on returning. Which didn't make any sense. He could have asked him to wait. Merlin would have waited. He could have requested more time to make a decision. He never gave a time-frame to begin with. What was the rush for a decision to be given now? Merlin would have waited. However reluctantly he would have felt about it. He knows he would have waited. Why the break up? Merlin had to wonder if it was Mordred. He did hear from some of the lot that Mordred had made a few trips to New York. But they would have never known that if Mordred hadn't joined their rugby team 'Excalibur' himself. And the lot was extremely hesistant to tell him about any of it, in fear that Merlin would fall apart somehow. Which he did. On his own. He didn't need anyones pity. “I want _him_.” Merlin repeated again.

 

Mithian's expression softened. “You may have to give it some more time, Merlin.” She tried for encouragement.

 

And if that was something that Merlin _hadn't_ heard over and over again over the past four months. They say that _time_ mends things. That time heals. That it makes things better. Well... Merlin would like to meet that person who came up with that platitude, because he would like to look them right in the eyes to tell them that they _lied_ . And that was after, he punched them in their big fat gob first! Merlin swallowed hard. His eyes turned glossy. “How much more _time_ does it take?” _“To mend a broken heart?”_ Merlin added for himself.

 

Mithian took Merlin's right hand in her left. They were seated side-by-side in the cafeteria. She missed Arthur too. She even missed Arthur bringing dinner and dessert for the late night crew when Merlin worked. She missed his smiles, his charm, the goodness in him that showed through, and the way that he always had a kind word for everyone. There was a presence about him. That made you know that you didn't want to miss out on what he had to offer. It made you loyal to him. Not to mention the fact that he was easy on the eyes. Being strikingly handsome and all. It was Arthur, being easy on the eyes, and her watching early on, that allowed her to see Arthur's love for Merlin in the first place. She wasn't a part of the historic drunken confession. Not being part of the lot originally. And meeting Merlin in med school. But when she watched...she saw it. And when she managed to get Arthur alone, she quickly called him out on it. It was upon watching him nearly have a panic attack before her very eyes that he swore her into secrecy. As he begged her in fear. Not wanting Merlin to know. Not by being told. And she could see why. Because Merlin didn't have a clue of Arthur's feelings for him and Arthur wanted to go about showing him in his own way. In his own time.

 

And once she let that crush on Arthur go - realizing that it was a _lost_ cause - she waited for Merlin and Arthur to get together ever since. And even if they don't, it would _still_ be a lost cause, because there was no way that _anyone_ could _ever_ come _close_ to comparing to Merlin in Arthur's eyes. Hell, Arthur never even paid attention to the most handsome men and the most beautiful women who would be in his presence. He _only_ had eyes for Merlin. Even while he was dating Mordred, his eyes would still find his way to track Merlin in the room. However discreetly. However briefly. There was no doubting Arthur's love. Which was why she knew that the dating for Arthur's recovery wasn't something to truly be jealous about. That it was what it was. For him to get better. Not to make him fall out of Merlin if it was meant to be. Which she thought it was. But to allow him to be independent of Merlin. To be able to have a real relationship, while still maintaining his own identity at the same time. One separate from Merlin or anyone else he _chose_ to be with. To allow him to have his own choices _without_ molding it with anyone else's.

 

Even if, Merlin felt differently about it. Not that she couldn't understand Merlin point of view too. Arthur was a prize for anyone who could manage to obtain him. It would have made anyone jealous if they had to watch the person they loved having to follow doctor's orders that said that he had to date someone else. She understood. But she also understood what Arthur _looked_ like when he had his nervous breakdown. She also saw what Arthur looked like while he was struggling to keep afloat. And he needed the help. Whatever the therapy entailed. He needed it. Every bit of it. It was just...hard to see them both have to go through it. And now. With Arthur being gone. And watching Merlin try to make it through his life. It was heartbreaking again to watch. It made her really want to think about who she fell in love with. Like she'd have a choice in the matter she thought, while shaking her head inwardly. She only hoped there was a happy ending in there for the boys. Or some way for them to move on. Because, no one should have to deal with the things that they've had to deal. They deserved happiness and the best of it. Together or apart.

 

But the whole lot was missing Arthur too. Knowing that he was going through something. Yet not knowing how to help since he banished himself into exile in New York. They were about to get Morgana, Gwaine, and Autumn back but there wasn't word at all about how long it would be before Arthur would be coming back. Or. _If_. He would be coming back. “It takes as long as you need it to. For however long it takes.” She sighed. “You're doing the right things, Merlin. You're trying to move on with your life. You're back at work. You're even dating again. You _are_ doing better. It may be difficult, but that means that you _are_ living. That you are _not_ trying to hide away from the pain anymore. That you are _not_ trying to block it out.” She said assuredly.

 

“I miss him.” _“I still love him,”_ Merlin added to himself. Arthur, was _wrong_. Merlin took the time to himself to think about it. He dated other people. He finished his recovery, only doing follow up appointments now. He did it _all_ and his feelings for Arthur were the same as they were when he first connected with them again. He was _still_ , in love with Arthur. Only now. There was an empty feeling where present Arthur would have been, if Arthur was still in his life. There was a feeling of longing that nothing else seemed to quench that left him in a constant state of want. Because nothing or no one could quench or ease that feeling. Nothing or no one would ever come close. And he's tried. God knows he's tried. Always coming back to one conclusion. That it has been and will always be, _Arthur,_ for him. And yet, Arthur closed himself off so easily, like Merlin never meant anything to him at all. If Merlin didn't know any better...he'd think that Arthur intricately created some walls of his own. Making it tamper resistant, with the intention to block and keep Merlin away from him forever. It seemed to be succeeding. And it wasn't a good feeling.

 

Mithian's expression softened some more, taking in Merlin's deflated expression. “It'll get better, Merlin. It has to. And who know's what will happen when Arthur returns. In the meantime, you owe it to yourself to do for you. I don't think Arthur would have wanted you to be moping around thinking of him all the time either.”

 

No, Arthur definitely wouldn't want him to be moping around and thinking of him all the time. Arthur wouldn't want him to torment himself in wait for him either. It was the complete opposite of what Arthur asked of him to do. Even before. When Arthur returned from the resort. Arthur only wanted to be his friend then, to support him, and to have the time to make a decision. That was Merlin's decision. To wait. To push. To even the playing field. To prove his love was real. And to claim what was already his. It was that last part that got him every time. Because, Merlin, never relinquished his claim on Arthur and _Arthur_ always belonged to him. Even when Merlin himself didn't know it. Which means. He still does. Even if Arthur claims that they weren't meant to be. Merlin was as sure of that as he was sure that if he cut himself he'd bleed. There was no doubt. Just like there was no doubt of his love for Arthur. And Merlin, was just as confident that Arthur was in love with him too. That he was _still_ , in love with him. Their love couldn't have dissolved that quickly. There was _still_ something that Merlin was missing. And although the lot told him that Arthur would be returning soon, to put him at ease – because they had no way of knowing for certain - somehow, something in Merlin didn't seem to sit right in believing it.

 

**

 

“You told Uther about me.” Merlin started, in a matter-of-fact tone.

 

Gaius took a seat behind his desk in the study. Brow raising at Merlin's tone. “Well. Of course I _would_ tell Uther, Merlin. He's a long time family friend. Not to mention the fact that your living with his _son_. And that his son has been watching over you this entire time. Supporting you throughout your recovery. Until he could no longer withstand neglecting his own. Uther _needed_ to know. It wasn't like it was a secret.”

 

“Not about my condition. But about my abuse. You told him about my father and about the bullying in Ealdor.”

 

Gaius stilled. His tone was careful, when he spoke. “Yes, I did tell him about it Merlin. But that was _before_ you even moved to London. Uther didn't even know you then. And he's kept your secret ever since. It was you who decided when to speak on it. Not even Arthur was informed and he spent the most time with you.”

 

Merlin clenched his jaw. He was well aware that he did Arthur an injustice by not informing him of his past. Even though Arthur never called him out on it. He was well aware that if he did, when he should have done - before he closed off those painful emotions and feelings - that he and Arthur would have been together right now. Merlin was well aware that he stabbed his own self in the foot by doing that. He was also well aware that he shouldn't have been expecting everything to fall into his lap four months ago, because _he_ decided that _he_ was ready to receive it. That he should have given Arthur time to decide. Without trying to push him into a relationship. Giving him time to get better. With or without him. He was well aware that it is wrong, to have expected Arthur to jump into his lap, expecting Arthur to disregard _everything_ that was going on in his own life at the time to be with him. That he was uncaring of Arthur's condition, recovery, and present needs – until a week before Arthur left. He saw some things in between. He tried to help. But it wasn't long enough to constitute showing support - not after missing almost two years of depression and Arthur's love for him - because Arthur's thoughts and feelings all of a sudden conflicted with his own. He had some reasons for these things to happen of course. His condition was right up top with those reasons too. And some of those things...were out of his own selfishness, jealousy, and need to possess and control.

 

But the fact of the matter was that it still happened and he did still expect these things from Arthur. And what did that mean? It meant that he expected Arthur to adjust right along with him once _he_ was aware of his new found - once again - feelings. And _not_ the other way around. Once again putting himself first, not even trying for a middle-ground. Which was what they really needed to settle for. A middle-ground. It was too late when they did it. Or rather, too late when he did it. But Merlin wasn't taking all of the blame either. Arthur could have told him how he was feeling. Whether it would have hurt his feelings or not, he should have known.

 

And Merlin had to correct himself in mid-thought too, because Arthur shouldn't _have_ to tell him everything - _all the time_ \- either. Merlin _chose_ to have a blind eye on plenty of those things – he didn't have to wait to be called out on everything. It wasn't like he _missed_ everything. He swept it under the rug, in hopes, that it never had to be discovered. He _chose_ not to see everything for a good bit of it - he should have been more observant himself, or addressed it when he saw the problem at hand. Whether he needed to check himself or Arthur. It takes _two_ to tangle in a relationship. Relationships are _not_ one-sided. If it were, what would be the point of it? And it shouldn't have been all on Arthur to pick up the slack. Merlin could see things more clearly now. He understood things for what they were. Maybe, if he understood things four months ago it could have been different now. Merlin sighed inwardly. Because he couldn't live his life on what ifs. The outcome might never work in his favor doing so. But back then, when he first moved from Ealdor - in his defense - he was _trying_ to start a new life - when he arrived in London - at the age of fourteen. He didn't want his past to be a reflection of who he was then. He didn't _want_ to be different. He had no way of knowing that his past then, would heavily influence the remainder of his childhood, his present, and possibly...even his future?

 

Though that wasn't an accusation from his uncle. Merlin could see that his own actions set a lot of things in motion. Whether there were some justifiable reasons why or whether he was trying to protect himself. It didn't matter. He _did_ set a lot of things in motion. And Merlin was going to stop right there in his own thoughts. He was not, going to throw himself a mental pity party right now. Arthur left _him_ , and _not_ , the other way around. They could have tried to work things out. Whatever the problems were. They could have made it work. It didn't _have_ to be over! Merlin groaned inwardly. “He may have kept my secret. He may have not told Arthur. But he's treated me with nothing but barely restrained contempt ever since the day that I met him and he learned my name.” Merlin sucked in a breath. “As _soon_ as he learned my name he made me feel like I was unwelcomed in his home and around his children. Like an outcast. And he _hated_ my relationship with Arthur. He never attempted to hide it.” Merlin paused, in thought. “It wouldn't surprise me if Uther wasn't partly or wholly responsible for the way other people continue to treat me at the Pendragon gatherings. If I'm not good enough in Uther Pendragon's eyes for his son, I certainly wouldn't be good enough in anyone else's eyes either.”

 

“Merlin,” Gaius chastened, “that's not true and you know it!”

 

Merlin gave Gaius a look in disbelief. Because what the fuck else could it be?!

 

Gaius raised a brow before sighing heavily. “Not _all_ of it is true. And you have no idea what Uther thinks about you or why he thinks a certain way about you. Your not a mind reader, Merlin. You are assuming things--”

 

But Merlin was on a roll. As he started pacing in his uncle's study. “He said I had a mental affliction. He never _stopped_ saying that. He never wanted me at the mansion. Arthur would invite me anyway. And so would Morgana. He never wanted me around Arthur. He never even wanted us to share a flat! He may not have point blank _told me_ all of those things. But his haughty looks and patronizing tones that he reserved for me – and _only_ me - was all the proof that I needed to believe that.” Merlin said adamantly. “But I've been racking my brain over the past thirteen years always trying to think of why he hated me so.” Merlin shook his head, before swallowing. “I can see why Morgana's upset with--”

 

“Morgana is _not_ upset with you, Merlin--”

 

“It doesn't matter,” Merlin snapped, as he turned to his uncle, before pacing again. Because it kind of did. “Whether she is or not I can see the reasons. She saw me as an obstacle, standing in the way of her brother's recovery. So she removed him - because she couldn't remove me - in an effort to get Arthur well, without interference. _My_ interference. She was _protecting_ him.” And though that hurt for Merlin to say, Merlin thinks that was _exactly_ what Morgana's reasons were for her part in taking Arthur to New York. Merlin could see that. Four months ago, he couldn't. Not enough to prevent him from interfering. He may not have respected all of her methods, but he knew her heart was coming from the place of protecting her brother. Something she's always done. And Arthur in turn for her. But that was Morgana's reasons. What was Arthur's reasons? For dumping him? Merlin would never truly understand that. Without an honest to all answer from Arthur himself. “But Uther. He had no reason to hate me upon hearing my name. It couldn't be about my being on scholarship because Will and him got on just fine. The only difference that even Arthur pointed out--”

 

Gaius leaned forward, while raising a brow. “What do you mean, Arthur...pointed...out?” He asked inquisitively.

Because there would be no way of Arthur knowing that his father knew. And _if_ Uther did tell him it wouldn't have been without any backlash from Arthur in keeping _that_ secret. No. _Uther_. Would have kept that information to himself.

 

Merlin huffed. Because his uncle always did that to him. He always became selective on the topics _he_ wanted to discuss and pretended to have a death ear on the topics he _didn't_ want to discuss. Merlin plopped down _heavily_ in the chair in front of Gaius' desk.

 

Gaius' eyes narrowed at Merlin for his childish behavior.

 

At the moment, Merlin couldn't find it in himself to care about the nonverbal reprimand. He came for answers and that's what he was going to get. He sighed. “I was talking to _Arthur_ about Uther. And me not understanding why Uther's hated me from day one. Arthur tried to tell me that he didn't hate me but, the only thing he could have thought of was the fact that his father knew about my past _before_ I came to London. And _not_ when I told Arthur about it.”

 

Gaius was quiet for a moment. “And he never told you _how_ , he found this out?”

 

Merlin shook his head. “No. Only that he knew.”

 

It didn't make sense Gaius thought. Because if Arthur knew early on he would have mentioned it. It wouldn't have been _news_ to him once Merlin told him about his past and yet... “This is important, Merlin.” Gaius started as he leaned closer in his seat, hands on his desk, raising an imposing eyebrow. “Did he say _anything_ else?”

 

Merlin raised an imposing eyebrow of his own. Gaius was _his_ uncle afterall. “No. He didn't. Gaius. What's going on?” _“And why all the secrecy?”_ Merlin added to himself.

 

Gaius bit his lower lip slightly, before his mouth set into a frown. “Nothing is going _on_ , Merlin.”

 

But Merlin wasn't listening. Because Merlin was listening to his gut feelings now and his gut feeling was saying that Gaius, was lying to him “Then why did you ask me that question? Why all the secrecy and why doesn't Uther know about Arthur falling into a depression or about his breakdown?” Because that was still the question of all questions for Merlin along the top of, why the hell did Arthur break up with him?!” His stress and agitation reflected in his tone.

 

Gaius grimaced. “Morgana asked me _not_ to tell Uther of Arthur's condition, as soon as she picked up on signs of his depression. She came to me for medical advice in the beginning. And I helped as best as I could. Even though I'm retired. Before she met Nimeuh and before I told her of Nimueh's reputation as a therapist. That she would be good for Arthur. _If_ he accepted the help. I promised to keep my word on the condition that she kept myself and your mother abreast of Arthur's condition. Which she has done. Bi-Weekly.” It didn't stop Uther from feeling that something was _wrong_ with Arthur though. Nor did it stop him from running investigations on his own to find out. He knows his children and he knows that Arthur's been distant as of late. And Uther's not above using his resources in doing some research on his own if it means protecting his family. Or trying to see if his old friend had heard anything outstanding.

 

It was Merlin's turn to lean forward in his seat. Hands resting on the other side of the desk. Forgetting everything that was said with the exception of one sentence. “You _know_ how Arthur's doing?” He croaked out. Because no one, knew how Arthur was doing! No one knew how he was coping in New York. No one knew if he gained any more weight. Or the status of his depression. No one... _knew..._ anything!” Merlin's jaw clenched.

 

Gaius sat back in his chair. “Yes.”

 

Merlin waited, anticipating. His expression showed it.

 

Gaius sighed. “He's...struggling, Merlin. When he left for New York he was on the verge of another breakdown--”

 

“What?!” Merlin shrieked in alarm. But in the back of Merlin's mind, he was asking himself, _“how the hell did he miss it again?!”_ And. “ _Was this breakdown because of him too?”_

 

“He was in a very bad state--”

 

Merlin's expression darkened. “So why did Morgana move him to the states if he was in a very bad state? I know it was her!”

 

Gaius frowned, reproachfully. “Despite what you might think about Morgana, _Merlin_ , she was only looking out for her brother--”

 

“Yes, by keeping Arthur away from me.” Merlin snapped. He had the right to know!

 

Gaius didn't understand his nephew on that one. He didn't understand how Merlin couldn't see what everyone else clearly saw. His condition doesn't show any reason why he continues not to see. He's recovered now. Even though he will always have to work on not falling back on the habits that he had before. To overcome. It's not always going to be easy, but, still. There was no reason why he _couldn't_ see. Which could only mean that Merlin didn't _want_ to see. That he didn't want to believe that Arthur was as ill as he truly was then, and now. Perhaps Merlin maybe in some denial of that himself because Arthur was clearly falling apart to everyone else. “No, Merlin. She is _trying_ to get him _better_. He was suffering from a severe depression _before_ you found out. _Before_ his breakdown. And you admitting your feelings for him didn't _stop_ the progress of his depression. He had to go away to the resort. He needed treatment. And when he came back he placed himself in the same predicament that brought him into a depression in the first place. He was supposed to give himself distance. He was supposed to work on gaining weight. He was supposed to get better--”

 

“By being away from me.” Merlin countered darkly. His tone reflected it. They didn't have to be separated continents for Arthur to get better. They didn't need to be separated across town for that either. They could have worked it out. They never had a chance to try! And despite Merlin's feelings he knew that he wasn't being completely fair. That Morgana was doing what she thought was right. It wasn't like his own thoughts didn't go beyond irrational sometimes, where Arthur was concerned. And it wasn't her fault. Arthur dumped him, without even telling him that he was getting worse. It was frustrating is all. Because he couldn't do anything! And now, knowing... not knowing what Arthur was going through, not knowing how Arthur was...it opened old wounds that weren't quite closed. And brought feelings back to the surface that Merlin was attempting to bury. However unsuccessful he was at it over the past four months.

 

“Merlin,” Gaius sighed. “You had your own condition. Arthur, had _his_. It wasn't exactly the best conditions for recovery. Considering the fact that Arthur's condition was based on his love for you. Your deciding that it was time for you to be together wasn't what Arthur _needed_ for _him_ to get better. It was good for him to know your returned feelings, he needed to know the truth, but it was not good for anything to be pursued further until he was fully recovered too. Until you both were. But especially in his case. Where pursuing a relationship with you was concerned. Since his condition was so heavily wrapped up in his feelings for you. Along with his dependency and identity issues.” Gaius took a deep breath. “Anything else, aside from Nimueh's original direction, was done in a complete opposite of what was needed to be done for him to recover. Which she had to struggle to work around. Even as you _both_ cheated along the way.” Gaius raised an accusing, knowing eyebrow.

 

Merlin thought about the kisses shared between him and Arthur. Their intimate moments. That _dance_. Them sleeping together on New Years, what it felt like the next morning, even without the sex... He flushed.

 

Gaius frowned heavily, before shaking his head and continuing. He didn't even _want_ to know everything that was going on in his nephew's head. “If it was all pursued earlier, _before_ his breakdown, _before_ his depression...” Gaius paused. Because it wasn't anything that anyone could have done for any of that now. And no one could have known that it would have gotten as bad as it did. “He wasn't ready. He needed to get better. He tried to help you because to him, you were in a more worse state than he was. And because he loves you. He heard how you were coping. He knew that you needed him. He also knew that you needed to open up. To heal. And to process things.”

 

Gaius removed his glasses before rubbing his temples and the side of his face with both hands and fingers, then placing his glasses back on. “He was told by Will. He researched your condition. He tried to do everything that he could possibly do. And he agreed to your request for spending more time together in addition to the normal time that he planned to give you for support, and to your request for dating, but...he was also in love with you and very dependent of you. He would have fought you but in the end. He would have given in to all of your requests. And you probably didn't see your control over him. That all you needed to do was push. And...he would have given in. He was only away for two weeks at that resort, Merlin. He just suffered a nervous breakdown. He was prone to having suicidal thoughts. He was extremely underweight. He needed the time. Time to recover. Time to correct everything. Not just his obvious eating disorder. But to get his life in order. He needed time to make decisions. His own decisions and to focus on himself.

 

But because of his need to be there for you, and him knowing you so well, he also knew that what you needed was him too. You would have opened up in psychotherapy. But you weren't opening up on your own time. To deal with the things you've been avoiding dealing with over the years. You would have gotten better. Surely. But it would have delayed the time-frame of your recovery if it was taking you too long to come to grips with your past. Arthur didn't _need_ to be told that. He _knew_ that. Because he _knew_ you. So he dedicated that time to do what he needed to do to help you.” Gaius took a deep breath before pulling off his glasses and rubbing his forehead tiredly. “He dedicated his time. He took you away. He knew that you were stressed at home and that you weren't leaving your flat with the exception of your appointments with Dr. Monmouth. You would have grown depressed like that, Merlin. And Arthur knew it all because Will made sure to tell him. Will did what he thought was right. He was looking out for you. And Arthur. He did what he thought was best - he would have done it anyway, without anything said by Will, because he would have been worried about you, because he loves you - but he didn't take into consideration what he needed to do for himself. And if he did. His want and need for you to get better - his love for you - won out.” Gaius sighed. “But he still tried to do some of the things required for his own recovery, mind. He dated. Even moved out of your flat. But seeing you daily actually made moving out of your flat without purpose, along with any other distance he was supposed to keep.

 

It worked against him. But he did it anyway. And before he knew it. His depression had gotten worse, far worse than what it was before because he never truly recovered in the first place. And that's where we are right now. Depression, Merlin, is still depression. Once it's brought on. Despite of _how_ it's brought on. Is _still_ depression. He has to focus on everything. Not just the fact that he had an unrequited love, that he's pined for for seven years, until the point of illness. But everything. Because it went on for too long before he allowed treatment. His condition had turned quite serious, requiring more than a bandaid and knowing that you were in love with him to fix it. And because he didn't want to tell you why. Or lose his friendship with you. Or his chance to be with you. Because he sat on it for so long. Until he couldn't anymore. All of those factors - along with a few others I can imagine - played a part in why he didn't agree to the help much sooner. And Morgana pushed for a while but he protested just as much as she pushed. She has no authority over him to force him to make a decision – no leverage to push Arthur to get the help while he was still in complete control - and on top of that, Arthur has the tendency to be very strong willed when he wants to be.” Speaking as someone who's _known_ Arthur since a baby. Gaius chuckled in thought. “Except towards you.” Because Arthur would do _anything_ for Merlin. To protect him. To make sure that he was alright. To be there for him. He shook his head. “His breakdown scared him enough – while giving Morgana that leverage - to push him into agreeing to the treatment. And now that he finally has it...he _needs_ the treatment. _Full treatment._ _Without_ interference.”

 

“He sacrificed himself for me.” Merlin whispered. His chest tightened. Brows furrowing.

 

“I don't think that Arthur would have seen it that way, Merlin. He would have seen it as helping you. He may have held some unresolved feelings, and possible bitterness for the past seven years, he's human afterall - and no matter how good he is, no matter how noble, how chivalrous, no matter how much Arthur loves you, he's _no_ saint Merlin. It would have been quite natural for him to have some bitterness, some unresolved feelings, and a month's time by all normal human standards...is _not_ enough time to get over seven years, no matter how justifiable or unjustifiable the reasons are or aren't. Even though he put those feelings aside immediately to help you with your recovery after he returned from the resort. It doesn't mean that it's not there. That's he's not still working through it - but I'm sure, if he had a choice to help you again, during your hour of need, he would have done. Without thought. If Arthur's history, protectiveness, and care of you over the past thirteen years have anything to show for it.” Gaius took in a deep breath. “And Arthur's seen a lot in his young life. He's suffered a lot of loss early on. And he was old enough at the times to be impacted by it. He would have _wanted_ to support you. No matter what. And he _wouldn't_ have wanted to leave you to suffer on your own. Especially if he thought you could handle it. Not if he could help it. And let's not forget. Arthur's condition is based on an unrequited love too. And in addition to that, he does have dependency and identity issues. Some of Arthur's condition would have also influenced his need to be around you too. It would not have been his sole reason behind it, as I've just stated, but...it would have been contributing factor as to why he couldn't stay _away_ from you. Especially as he was drawn more to help you. As he spent more time with you, as you grew closer, and as you were deciding on your future. Not that you helped much in that regard either.” Gaius added the last sentence almost in afterthought in thinking of Merlin and Arthur's situation.

 

Merlin couldn't say anything. He knew that he had some blame there. Because he continued to add demands on time and on dating to an already dependent person. It worked against what was needed for Arthur. And it was by Merlin's own doing out of jealousy and out of fear for losing Arthur that prevented him to see the bigger picture. How impressive would that flimsy excuse be if Arthur wasn't able to pull himself out of his situation? Knowing that he himself contributed to adding more time to Arthur's sentence in having to heal from his condition? But he understood the talk for what it was. It wasn't a lecture. It wasn't a discussion of blame. It was meant for him to understand. Something that's taken months for him to do. Something that he still continues to do. He listened as Gaius continued.

 

“It was a no win situation that Arthur placed himself in. Because he backed himself into a corner in his attempt in trying to help. Took on more than he could chew. Whatever you want to call it.” Gaius rubbed his forehead, before running a hand through his hair tiredly. “Arthur's, a smart man. I have no doubt that he knew that he could only make one of two choices when he returned back from the resort. For his own mental and physical health. Either he could choose to leave you totally alone without help, without support, even though he knew that you clearly needed it – needed him - if your declaration of love and want to be with him had anything to show for it. Or, he could put as much of his recovery on hold as possible temporarily – as much as would be allowed by his therapist and Morgana that is - despite what it would do for his depression, despite how it would affect him. To help you anyway. And since his choices have _always_ revolved around protecting you, caring for your well being, and putting you first....

 

And Arthur's a realist. And a strategist. He's also every bit of a Pendragon as Uther and Morgana.” Just not _as_ arrogant or self entitled. Even though Arthur's been known to have those traits too, Gaius thought to himself. “Even if his kind and gentle side from his mother Ygraine comes across more. The Pendragon traits are still there and they run strong and hard. And that means, despite his depression - his dependency issues, his identity issues - he would have understood his choices. The consequences of those choices that is. Not in him getting sick in the first place. Not from his pining and depression. He couldn't have foreseen that. But now. When he returned from the resort. Even if he was placing you first. It would have been a struggle to fight against it with dependency issues, but just like you when you closed your emotions off, he could have fought it. He placed you before himself because he _wanted_ you to get better. He wanted you to recover normally, and not at a slower pace, and he wanted you to have support. Which is why he rallied up your friends days after he returned to force them to put aside differences, to not choose sides, and to support you both. Which is also why he went against his own recovery on a lot of things to help you to get better. There were things he didn't factor in though.

 

He didn't factor in your newfound emotional state. He didn't factor your all of a sudden overwhelming presence. He didn't factor in the counter request made on your part for dates, extra time, and the rushing in feeling like he had to make a decision. He also didn't factor in your jealousy, controlling nature, and new found possessive streak when it came down to him.” Gaius pieced together after hearing from both Will and Morgana. And of his knowing of Arthur himself. Not to mention his own nephew. “You've kept your emotions, your feelings for Arthur, in control for so long that he wouldn't have seen any of those things coming. Wouldn't have known it until it hit him, and he wouldn't have been prepared for it. And those things would have worked against him. Especially with his dependency and identity issues, and his immediate need first to give in. Especially with him fighting against an eating disorder too. He had just enough fuel in the gas tank so to speak for what he planned out. But nothing more.” Knowing Arthur all of his life, and watching how he planned things out to the letter, allowed Gaius to see that. Even though this is the first time, well second - if you considered the signs - that Arthur's well formed plans _didn't_ pan out. There were even times that Uther stated he would like to take a look inside of Arthur's mind. Just once. To take a peek at his creative insight – even how he thought about inventions - and how Arthur could bring things together so flawlessly, benefitting all concerned. “We know Arthur, Merlin, he would have had it all planned out based on what he assumed he could handle. Even if he wouldn't have been able to handle that. He thought that he could, or thought that he could have overcompensated for it later. But Merlin, you were also in an emotional state. With a one track mind. Your emotions were high, your feelings were overwhelming, and all you seemed to see was how you were going to lose Arthur. You _pressured_ him. Even you trying to run away was pressure for him – almost destroying him - because he would have done _anything_ to keep you here. To make you stay. And when you did. You held on. You _fought_ him. And though it wasn't the best thing to do under the circumstances, there was _nothing_ wrong with that. Love is _worth_ fighting for. But in the case of both of you dealing with a mental illness, there were some _things_ to take into consideration. For the both of you. And in this particular case. Where Arthur was concerned. He just...wasn't _strong_ enough to deal with it all of those pressures at the time. He needed time. And I don't think that he bargained for his depression to be as bad as it was.”

 

And in spite of his uncle trying to reassure him, Merlin couldn't quite agree with the conclusion. Because it sounded _exactly_ like he said it did. Like Arthur had in fact, sacrificed, his complete recovery for him. Knowing full well that there was a chance that he might damage the chances of his own. That he might not come out of it. And yet Merlin was too blind to see any of it, because he was too busy trying to win Arthur. Like he was a possession to be had. To keep him, and to have him in the end. He was too blind to see it because he was blinded by jealousy. Because he couldn't stand to see Mordred making a play for Arthur. On his first, and second only real dates that Merlin's acutally _seen_ Arthur on in years! All because he himself was ready to have a relationship with Arthur now. Because he was all of a sudden aware of _his_ feelings. And now. Now it sounds like Arthur was going to have to go through those same recovery steps whether he was aware of his own feelings for Arthur or not. Whether he declared his love to Arthur or not. Meaning. If he didn't open Pandora's box. If he wasn't aware of everything, of his own feelings, it probably wouldn't have mattered to him that Arthur was dating. As long as Arthur never _left_ him. But his heightened emotions, coupled with his love for Arthur, his new found jealousy and possessiveness where Arthur was concerned...all came into play on how he treated Arthur during his recovery process. And he treated Arthur wrongly.

 

He failed to support Arthur during Arthur's hour of need. During the one time that he should have been able to see Arthur's needs on his own. _Without_ Arthur telling him. Yes, his fear of losing Arthur added to that, but he consciously swept away the thought of Arthur's feelings in favor of getting rid of Mordred. He could have put those thoughts aside in favor of getting Arthur better. He chose not to. He neglected to be there for his best friend. Which is what builds upon how you go about having a relationship. Something, like his friendship with Arthur, that he eventually failed at too. It didn't matter how good he was over the years. It mattered how he was when Arthur _actually_ needed him, when the chips were down, and that was where Merlin fell short. He fell short when he failed to notice _all_ of Arthur's internal cries for help. Some of those cries he knows was due to his condition, some of those cries were excusable and could be missed reasonably. But, _all_ of them? There was no excuse for that and Merlin wasn't even going to pretend to lie to himself and say that there was. Because the only person he would be lying to was himself. And Arthur may not be blaming him for anything out loud but Merlin is certain that Arthur has seen it too.

 

He failed. He failed Arthur just like he's failed anyone else that he's ever been in a relationship with. He failed him. When he failed to attempt to see Arthur's point of view, when he failed to compromise. Like he's done in all of his relationships. Always putting himself first. In favor of always protecting himself. Forcing everyone else to be the one to put themselves well and truly out there. Forcing them to make the sacrifices while he sat there and waited until it was safe to do the same. It wasn't right. And it wasn't fair. And just like Arthur said, it didn't show any care for him.

 

He was quite aware that he may be going too far in his thoughts. That there was more to this. That Arthur's break up speech had in no way turned any blame around on him. That Arthur did not hate him for his actions in all that happened between them. Arthur was very careful and strategic it seemed, in the points that he _wanted_ to make. And it seemed that Arthur didn't want to leave anything damaging to cause him to turn any blame on himself about why it was over between them. Nor did he want it to delay Merlin's recovery at all by sending him into a depression. Anger and hate was what Arthur was trying to pull from him. Merlin could see that now. _Several months later._ After he got passed the hatred, anger, grief, loneliness, and numbness stages. But...still...Merlin had to think about his own part to play in all of this. Because he wasn't exactly being a friend when he made his choices. He didn't have Arthur thoughts and feelings in mind at the time. Those, were solely his own. Merlin guessed that was part of the consequences that he said he would gladly face. The problem? Merlin stated that he would _gladly_ face the consequences if he could have Arthur with him in the end. Well. Arthur was _still_ not with him! Merlin got nothing out of any of it! Merlin sucked in a breath. He couldn't think about that right now. There were still too many unmentioned variables to form the problem of what was really going on here. “You said that he was on the verge of another breakdown when he left for New York?” Because that was something that he _could_ think about. Without blaming himself. Without blaming Arthur.

 

Gaius nodded.

 

“If he was that sick then why didn't he get more help? Surely therapy wouldn't have been able to do the complete trick? Not from what you're telling me. Some people need to be evaluated for more.” Speaking from a doctor's standpoint. “Sometimes it even requires hospitalization...” Merlin trailed off taking in the sight of his uncle. The blood had drained completely from his face. Merlin's brows raised in alarm. “Gaius, Arthur wasn't--” Merlin trailed off again.

 

Gaius' eyes were unfocused. Like his mind took him to a faraway distant memory. But he looked sad too, like it was a memory that he didn't _want_ to think about but was _compelled_ to do anyway.

 

“Gaius,” Merlin called out again hesitantly.

 

Gaius drew in a deep breath. Twice. Before shaking his head knowing what Merlin was going to ask next. “No Merlin, Arthur has _not_ been hospitalized.”

 

And Merlin rubbed his chin. “Has he been evaluated for anything further?” Merlin tried again because he couldn't get over his uncle's reaction. Nor could he relinquish the thought that if Arthur's condition was as severe as his uncle stated, that he should have at least been evaluated again.

 

“He's in good hands with Nimueh, Merlin. I've known her for years, not to mention the fact that she, Morgana, and Morgause are good friends. She would do Arthur no harm. And besides that. Her success rate as a therapist is superb. There's nothing to worry about as long as Arthur follows her steps for recovery and actually _wants_ to get better himself. And furthermore, Arthur, when originally diagnosed, was diagnosed by two therapist and not only Nimueh. Nimueh wanted to be very sure of Arthur's condition _before_ she worked on the steps to take and the recovery process from there--”

 

“But it could have been shorter if he went to a hospital--” Merlin, thinking about how his recovery was shorter, because Arthur was there to support him. Even though Dr. Monmouth stated that it wasn't _necessary_ , that he could have recovered, _slowly,_ on his own. The doctor's only know but so much. Arthur saw beyond that too. Because Arthur knows him best. As Will always teased, apparently, Arthur studied him well enough over the years. In his effort to send the _right_ signs. To _show_ his love. Arthur would have made it a _point_ to know those things. Which meant Arthur would have made it a point to make sure that he was present while support was needed. To help him to open up. To be able to process the things that would have been difficult to do on his own time as prescribed. Merlin could see that. Maybe it was the same case for Arthur. Maybe Arthur needed something else too and they were disregarding it. In favor of just diagnosing the one problem. Or by treating the problem, and _not_ the solution. Sometimes hospitals were the best alternatives. For specialized treatments to help a patient improve, faster. But if the idea, was never explored...

 

“It was Arthur's _choice_ , Merlin.” Gaius responded, slightly agitated. “Arthur refused help early on and for a long time because he didn't want _anyone_ to _know_ of his condition. At first it was in denial, and then, because he didn't want to explain how it came about. And he _knew_ if he removed himself from your flat, or asked you to move, that he would have had to explain to you why. He also didn't want to give up on you. On you not seeing him, and his love for you. It was _his_ choice. Morgana respected his choice but tried to get him the help even indirectly first by me, and then by Nimueh. She was out of her league and she realized that it wasn't a battle that she could afford to lose. She called in reinforcements. And I helped her until Nimueh, and Nimueh stepped in to give her advice as a therapist, on how to best help Arthur. She was working with limited information of course. She only had Morgana to really go by, as she started dividing her time up more to focus on Arthur. Since Arthur refused the help. But as far as any hospitals are concerned. Arthur refused any treatments that would have involved being hospitalized.”

 

“And you knew, all of this. All along.” It wasn't a question and Merlin felt betrayed. Yes, sure, he missed all of the signs but wouldn't anyone think that he wanted to know that his best friend was falling apart? The man that he was in love with? Even if they didn't tell him the complete truth about how it came about? Merlin thought he wouldn't have been upset, if he didn't hear the complete truth. As long as he heard _some_ of it. As long as he knew that Arthur was still struggling. That he was worse off than what he was letting on. Didn't anyone think that he had the right to know that?!

 

Gaius sighed heavily. “He didn't _want_ you to know, Merlin. He was very specific about that. If you didn't find out on your own, he didn't want you to know. And it was his life and his secret to tell.”

 

Merlin felt affronted. His expression showed it too. And so did his tone. Merlin clenched his jaw before continuing. “So it was _alright_ for _everyone_ to keep Arthur's secret from _me,_ until _he_ had a nervous breakdown - lost control - and the truth _had to_ come out?” Merlin's voice started to elevate. He was angry. “So it was alright to _force me_ to find out what was _wrong_ with me _then_ , right? Because something _had to be_ wrong with me. There's no way that I could have _missed_ the _entire thing_ up until the breakdown on my own if there wasn't right? I guess there was still _hope_ in me getting a _clue_ before then, _before_ it was too late. I guess it was _alright_ to withhold all of _those_ secrets but it wasn't alright _not to tell_ Uther about _my past abuse_ from my father and of the bullying I experienced while I lived in Ealdor! I guess it was alright for _everyone_ to hold on to their vows to Arthur too. Like they were holding on to the secret treasure mark to the Holy Grail. Even though he was so clearly falling apart, even though he was so severely depressed, even though he kept losing weight - and even now - while he was on the verge of _another_ breakdown. I guess the vows were _more_ important in comparison to what was _best_ for Arthur. Because I think we all know that what was _best_ for Arthur, _at the time_ , was telling me what the hell was wrong with him!” Merlin was yelling at Gaius by the end of his speech. His face was red in anger, his chest heaving, and his eyes were watered.

 

He was pained by everything that was said, because he was sitting on those feelings for way too long. Trying for forgiving and not resentment. If Arthur was continuing to get sick - because of him - back then and now, than any request made for secrecy up to that point of his illness should have been null and void! It should have been done in favor of Arthur getting better, and in favor of Merlin knowing. He had every _right_ to know! Whether he missed the signs or not! And Merlin knew that he wasn't being fair. Because he let out every bit of anger and pent up emotion that he felt over the past several months. He let out everything that he kept inside in regards to those secrets being kept from him to his uncle. Like it was Gaius' blame alone. When that blame was had by all, _no one_ , being exempt. Everyone, guilty who held that secret while continuing to watch Arthur grow ill. When they could have done _something_ about it. When he himself should have known about it, instead of looking like an arse for years, and not knowing what the bloody hell was going on with Arthur until it was too late. He knew that he missed things due to his condition then. He knew that he ignored things too, in lieu of not having to address it. And he couldn't entirely blame Arthur. He also had a condition. He was severely depressed. Still is. And everyone – including his uncle now - has all but said that Arthur lost control. He couldn't entirely blame Morgana. She was looking out for her brother. His wishes would have come first. Even though she should have seen that keeping the secrets was doing Arthur more harm than good too. But what about everyone else? What was their excuse? Why didn't _they_ say anything?! Yes, they swore. But not all secrets are meant to be kept!

 

Gaius flinched. However slightly. While trying for comfort in his expression. Always being the one most composed of the two. Even though Merlin was losing it. Even though it was understandable. And if they had to do things again perhaps some things would have been done differently but, it wasn't like anyone was able to go back now to make corrections. What was done, was done. It was time to pick up the pieces and to move forward. It was all, they could do. Gaius ran a hand through his white hair. “Merlin.” He sighed. “When I told Uther about you he didn't even know who you _were_ at that time. You _lived_ in Ealdor. No one knew I was going to have a heart attack _years_ in the future and that your mum was going to end up running my Apothecary. I have _always_ been a family friend of the Pendragon's. Not to mention their family doctor, until Edwin Muirden continued on in my stead after my heart attack.” Gaius removed his glasses, placing them on the desk, in favor of rubbing his temples again, before continuing. “When I made more trips to Ealdor to help you and your mum I had to explain for my absence. And Uther could be trusted with keeping secrets. Which I think he's proven considering how you stated he treated you. While yet he never managed to actually _stop_ , you and Arthur from being together. To _forbid_ it. Not that Arthur would have allowed it if he did.” Gaius chuckled, knowing just how protective Arthur could be over Merlin. Not even Uther himself would be able to keep them apart, if being with Merlin was what Arthur truly wanted. If he so chose it. “But to my knowledge Uther never made the attempt. And no one had any idea that the two of you would have become as close as you were in your youth, or as close as you are now. But back then. I was grief-stricken, Merlin. Your mum was distraught, and you. You were withdrawn, or in your own stage of denial, because you didn't want to talk anymore about _anything_ that happened. Like it _didn't_ happen. Even though your mum tried her best at the time to listen to you when you said that you were fine. Even though she tried to get you help and you kept telling her help wasn't needed. That you just needed _time_. It's not your fault. She knows that. She shouldn't have listened, she should have gotten you the help anyway, but she felt her own guilt too. For not being there, for not being home, and for missing out on what was going on with you for years. It didn't matter if you lied profusely. It didn't matter if you covered up any and all evidence. She felt she was your mum and that she should have known. Should have been able to tell _something_ , and that she shouldn't have fallen for your father's excuses. And because of all of her grief in feeling like she _wasn't_ there, she didn't want to put you through anymore either. Not if you told her you were fine. That you just needed time. She was trying her best to respect your wishes. Even if she's learned now that that wasn't the right decision to make at the time.

 

She didn't have many people to talk to, Merlin. Considering the fact that she dedicated a huge part of her life to working, to take care of Balinor and you at home. She would call in tears. And my heart would go out to her. Hence, my many visits. But I also needed someone to talk too, Merlin. To stay strong for her. It broke my heart hearing about all of the things that happened. I felt partly to blame because I was the one who introduced your mum to your father in the first place. Of course he was nothing like the man that he ended up turning out to be. But it didn't matter. I felt it anyway. Even though she never blamed me for it. The only thing that stops me from fully blaming myself for that, is knowing that you came out of it. And despite it all, Merlin. I've always loved you, like the son I never had. I never told Uther with the thought that he would tell anyone, because I knew he wouldn't, and he has kept your secret until this day. Anyone else knowing, were those that you yourself have told. And to be fair, when I told Uther, it _wasn't_ a secret. It wasn't something that we planned to keep from the world. It ended up becoming one as no one addressed it anymore. As the subject became too hard to talk about and because we wanted you to move on – as much as you wanted to - as best as you could in those circumstances. But if you want me to talk to Uther...” Gaius trailed off when Merlin shook his head. He sighed heavily. “Very well.”

 

Gaius rubbed his forehead with his left hand and forefingers before continuing. “As far as Arthur is concerned. He was _very_ specific with his wishes. To the point that he made everyone swear it. He did _not_ want you to know of his love for you. _At all_. He wanted you to _grow_ to love him. To _see_ the signs. And to _want_ him, on your own, without outside _influence_. He wanted to know that you loved him for _him_. And not out of obligation, not out of pity, and not out of friendship. And since you never showed _any_ such feelings of wanting more from him, he wouldn't be sure if other people were pushing it along. And he knew how close you two were, Merlin. He knew that there would have been a very good chance that you would have accepted him for one of those three reasons and if those were the reasons he didn't want you to. And he didn't want to place any pressure on you to be forced into figuring it out either. You were dating other people, you were in relationships. From the moment he discovered his feelings for you. He wanted you see him, to see his love for you, for what it was. I know there was more.” Gaius chuckled. “But I'm an old man and I can't remember it all.”

 

They both knew that was a lie. His uncle missed nothing. But Merlin allowed it in favor of Gaius continuing.

 

“He _hid_ his depression. And the weight loss. It was Morgana who picked up on the weight loss. And shortly after, it was Morgana who picked on the depression too. And still, Arthur didn't _want_ you to know about it. Not then. Even though she tried to convince him to tell you about his feelings, to move out of the flat, or to get you to. Even though everyone else tried to do the same. Arthur _refused_ outright. Because he didn't think he could explain the information of his declining health without, telling you the truth about his feelings. Those were the three things Arthur was adamant about throughout _all_ of this. Not wanting to see a therapist, not telling you his feelings because he knew what your answer would be but he didn't want that answer if it _wasn't_ sincere, and _not_ telling _you_ about his depression. Because you would want to know why he was depressed and then that would open up door number two. And when it got worse, the symptoms were more obvious anyway. It wasn't like he was wearing his padding at home. And he didn't have Leon or Morgana around to cover for him either. It was all you and him then. Unless you had company.”

 

And no, Arthur didn't wear any padding at the flat. Merlin was just the idiot who failed to notice things until it was too late. He was too wrapped up in his own life to pay any attention to what was going on in Arthur's. He didn't even want to talk about what a horrible friend he was when it mattered. When it counted. He didn't even want to talk about how Arthur's love, for him, caused Arthur to fall into a depression. While he himself didn't even have a clue. While he himself didn't even notice that there was anything that he didn't have a clue about. He didn't want to talk about how the depression ate away at Arthur. Like a _disease_. As he lost all of that weight. No reminders were needed for that. It only made him angry at himself for being so oblivious to what was happening around him. It only made him angry, at everyone else, for withholding things from him. He could have helped Arthur. He could have tried if he knew!

 

But in retrospect, Merlin could understand why Arthur _wouldn't_ have wanted to tell him about his feelings. He wasn't exactly open to receive Arthur affections at the time. If Arthur's signs and declarations had anything to show for it. Considering the fact that he ignored them all. And it wasn't like he wasn't dating throughout those seven years. Arthur wouldn't have seen an open opportunity to confess his feelings. And from where Arthur was standing – watching - he was dating freely, while ignoring all of Arthur signs and declarations. Like Arthur himself wasn't good enough for him to notice. As he noticed everyone else. Why would Arthur want to reveal his feelings under _those_ circumstances? It wasn't like Arthur knew about his past at the time. Nor did he know about his condition, or of Merlin's own decision to block away his feelings for Arthur. Yes, Merlin could understand Arthur's reluctance in sharing his feelings. Even if he wished Arthur would have told him anyway.

 

That still didn't change the fact that Arthur was ill. And Merlin had a right to know about that. He had the right to know that he was the cause too. Because obviously him _not_ knowing only made Arthur's condition worse. He had a right to know. Whether he missed the signs or not! He also had the right to know that Arthur was on the verge of a second breakdown. And he knows Arthur well enough to know that a lot of the choices Arthur made was to protect him. It was designed to give him an easy out. To save face. To save their friendship. Without, putting him on the spot to do so. Allowing him to _choose_ whether to accept Arthur's feelings or not. And that included him not knowing about Arthur's feelings, consequent depression, and weight loss as a result of those said feelings. Arthur wouldn't want his health to play a factor in his decision to be with him either. But it didn't dismiss the fact that he should have been told the truth. Especially when Arthur's depression had gone too far. The vow, the pledge of secrecy, that everyone worked so hard to keep. Did Arthur more harm than good. For all concerned. But especially for Arthur, as he was the one who continued to grow worse in his condition. Merlin shook his head inwardly. He'd have to think on that later. It only made him more upset and he had other questions that needed answering. “But why wouldn't Arthur not want to tell Uther about his condition? Uther would have worried but he had the right to know too. He would have been there for Arthur.” He might not care for Uther. He might not care for the way that Uther's treated him over the years, but he knows for a fact that Uther would _want_ to know about Arthur. Given how protective he is over his children. How much he loves them.

 

And Gaius didn't really have the answer to that. He had his suspicions but nothing concrete. “I don't think Arthur wanted Uther to worry. And I don't think Arthur wanted his father to become too heavily involved in his progress. Not if he could control it. Uther has the tendency of attempting to control things to fix the problem. And it was Arthur's decision to make. Not to mention the fact that Morgana asked me early on when Arthur was only _showing_ symptoms of weightloss and depression, not to bring any of it to their father's attention. And as I stated, I agreed with the condition that she kept myself and your mother abreast of the situation.” Which was done not only for Arthur's sake, but for Merlin's too.

 

Merlin scoffed. “But that doesn't make sense. Uther would have _wanted_ to know. He would have been there for Arthur. He would have helped Arthur during this time. And Arthur needed the support. Not just from his friends but from his family.”

 

Gaius rubbed his forehead. “And he had the support from his family. He didn't want to _tell_ his father.”

 

“That's not a good enough reason for wanting to keep the truth from your father, Gaius. Not a father that you're close with.”

 

Gaius sighed heavily. “Merlin. What do you know about Arthur's family?”

 

That took Merlin aback. “Umm. I know his grandfather was close to Arthur and Morgana. But he took a special liking to Arthur because he was enthusiastic about the family business. I know that he died from cancer. And so did his mum.”

 

Gaius leaned forward in his seat. Hands pressed on the desk again. “And have you heard anything about his aunt?”

 

Merlin's eyes narrowed. “I know that she died a few years before we moved to London. Why?” Because Gaius didn't _ask_ questions without _reasons_ behind those said questions.

 

Gaius sat back in his seat. “I asked because Morgana and Arthur grew up very close to their aunt. And she suffered from depression. It's quite possible that it is for that reason that they didn't want to alarm their father of Arthur's present condition.”

 

“Gaius, that still doesn't make any sense. If their aunt suffered depression it's not like it's an end all disease. It's a condition. You can _live_ with it. Depending on it's severity or how you live with it. I can see them being hesitant but Arthur's had a nervous breakdown. He's gone away to a resort. And was on the verge of a second nervous breakdown. Hell. Morgana moved him across the continent to take him away. Uprooted her family. And Nimueh. How they hell did she explain that one?” Because none of this made sense either and Merlin felt like he was going round about a fence with no door to open to get out. Being stonewalled at every turn whether everyone should be telling the truth was concerned.

 

Gaius raised a reproving brow at Merlin's use of profanity. He'd better be lucky his mum wasn't present. It was all Will's fault of course. “First of all. I was _there_ when Morgana spoke with Uther in regards to the trip to New York. Aggravaine is going to be heading up that branch but he's going to need a lot of help to be on point. There's also going to be lots of meetings with investors, construction to oversee, and public relations to handle. Not to mention everything else that needs to be done when setting up a new branch and operating it upon the grand opening. It's going to be a lot of work, with no fun and games involved. Morgana convinced Uther, well - if you can call 'convince' by making it seem like it was his idea - to send she and Arthur both to New York. Arthur was already the one who was being assigned to go. Uther mentioned it to Arthur previously so it wasn't a secret. And given the past few months... Uther's been concerned about Arthur. It wasn't a far stretch to have someone else, Arthur's older sister nonetheless, there to watch over him. And it wasn't like Uther could go to the states in her place. Not if his heir was going to be there. Someone had to stay in London, it being the main headquarters afterall. And Arthur's been away from the office for a month. He has to get up to speed with what he's missed. That's what Morgana is for. Along with the PR and helping set things up for the grand opening. Even though Arthur will be heavily involved with that too. It wasn't a far stretch from there to take Gwaine and Autumn. Gwaine isn't needed unless he has to work on specialized cases at his family firm, and Autumn isn't quite old enough for school. Morgana mentioned sight-seeing, extending the time for six months instead of two – explaining the urgency to leave now instead of leaving Aggravaine alone - and amusement parks and that _was that_. She breezed out of the office in less than twenty minutes time as quickly as she breezed in. Trip, Arthur, herself, work, extended time, urgency to leave, family, all secure.” Gaius stated as a matter-of-fact. Because that was _exactly_ what Morgana did. It was impressive, he had to tip his hat off to her. If he was wearing one.

 

Merlin's eyes narrowed. As he tugged at his hair with both hands, sitting back in his seat. “So they're not only _keeping_ Arthur's condition from Uther, they're intentionally _hiding_ it from him too.” It wasn't hard to figure out based on that summary. And Merlin knew Morgana well too. Maybe not as well as he knew Arthur. But well enough. It seemed that, like him, Uther was also being kept in the dark. Except for in his case. Arthur had to come clean because he basically forced Arthur to tell him the truth, and then he called Arthur out on his feelings after he found out from Will. After somebody told him! Even if Will decided to provide examples instead to help him to figure it out. The cat was still well and truly out of the bag then. But no one, has bothered to tell Uther anything. And if Merlin knows Uther...he's asked. And more than once. Because unlike himself, Uther wouldn't have missed anything. Which means they're not only hiding it, but they're _lying_ to Uther too.

 

Gaius ran a hand through his hair. He sighed. Heavily. “They don't want him to worry, Merlin--”

 

“That can't be it Gaius! You just mentioned their aunt as an excuse for why they would have not wanted Uther to worry about Arthur. But omitting the truth and lying are two different things in this case, and they _are_ lying. They are intentionally keeping a secret from him and Arthur never _lies_ to anybody. Never. He does omit things though. And that's _always_ with reason and normally _always_ to protect someone. And never for his own self-benefit. He never lies for nothing. I know Arthur enough to know that. And now the trip, the six month trip that was supposed to be two months, the second break down, all the secrecy... Nothing about this adds up, Gaius.” Merlin said while shaking his head.

 

“I don't know what else to tell you, Merlin--”

 

“How about the truth.” Merlin interjected darkly. Because he was tired of being lied to.

 

Gaius rolled his eyes, before sighing. “If you want to know the answer you may have to wait for Morgana or Arthur as it would be their _decision_ whether or not to share whatever their _own_ reasons are.” He replied honestly. Any Pendragon secrets...were not his to tell.

 

“More secrets.” Merlin guessed, while raising a brow, looking hurt.

 

Gaius rubbed his temples. “Morgana has only told me that she didn't want Uther to _worry_ about Arthur, and that was all.” And that was the truth.

 

Merlin's brows furrowed in thought, as he replayed his and his uncle's conversation. He clenched his jaw. “But you know something.” It wasn't a question.

 

Gaius rubbed his temples. “And if I do than it's not _my_  secret to tell which is why I would be unable to _tell_  you, Merlin.”

 

Merlin's blood started to boil again in anger. He frowned. And as he was attempting to speak, Gaius held up a hand.

 

“Some things Merlin, are _not_ secrets that are _meant_ to be shared. Not when you've been asked _not_ to share it. Somethings aren't meant to be _digged into_ either. Just for the sake of knowing. The only thing that I can tell you. If you want to know anything further. Would be to wait to speak with Morgana or Arthur. As the questions you have are based on their own _personal reasons_ why they've chosen _not_ to share. But know this, Merlin. If it's not something they can tell you you should respect their choice. Just like everyone respected yours when you kept your secret for all of those years from your friends. Like we've kept your secret for you when you asked us to. Once you decided not to share it with anyone. And _no one_ held it against you either. You need to understand that _before_ you decide to judge on what's being _kept_ from you. In your search for all things truth. Or out of sheer nosiness of wanting to know. Or having the _right_ to know.” He held up his hand again as Merlin opened his mouth. “I can see you wanting to know about Arthur's health and his feelings. Even though that was also Arthur's _choice_ as it was pertaining to _his_ health and _his_ feelings. And you were unaware of problems with them both at the time. But his reasons _why_ he's chosen not to involve his father. Those reasons, are his and Morgana's alone. And not for public consumption. If Arthur chooses to tell you why it's one thing, but if he doesn't, it has no affect on you to hold it against him. Or to force it out of him. You can't use your hold on him or his dependency of you to get that out of him either, Merlin. Or he may end up resenting you for it. For pushing him too far.”

 

It was all Gaius could say. Because he had a feeling as to why both Morgana and Arthur wanted to keep Arthur's condition to themselves. Even though he had no idea of how they found out. But then again. They were every bit of a Pendragon as Uther. They have money and they have resources. If they had doubts... It wouldn't have been a far stretch if they knew exactly what to look for. But Gaius made an oath to keep that secret. Just as Uther's done the same for him. And some secrets are _meant_ to be kept and respected. As some secrets had the potential to open up a whole can of worms. Even if Merlin doesn't want to see that. Even if he doesn't see that he requested the same thing for himself years ago. It goes the same. Some secrets are meant to be kept, until the bearer(s) of those said secrets decide to share it. And no one else has a right to force them to share it. Especially if it has nothing to do with them.

 

Merlin took in Gaius' stoic expression. It reminded him of Arthur when he made up his mind to something and that was all that he was going to get out of him. When Merlin would _know_ , just by Arthur's look, that he lost. And just like that Merlin realized that the conversation with his uncle was over. It reminded him of his last conversation with Arthur. When Arthur filled him with a lot of words that left with him more questions than answers. Just pieces of a puzzle that Merlin will have to attempt to put together on his own time. But Merlin got the warning. The message was delivered and received. But Merlin was never one to heed to warnings. Not when it came to Arthur. And maybe he was being selfish in wanting to know Arthur's business. And yes, he was expecting something that he at one time couldn't give in return. Even though his uncle neglected to say in his speech what he mentioned his mum said earlier. That following his request was a mistake and that they should have gotten him the help early on. But Arthur _was - is -_ his business. And something told him that there was more to it all. Because Arthur's reasons for breaking up with him - or lack there of - his distance, his basic removing of himself from his life, made no sense at all. Not when Merlin knew for a fact that Arthur was in love with him. That he probably still is. If his own feelings have anything to show for it.  And if his uncle wasn't going to say more – as it seems he is bound to more secrets - if Arthur's all but cut all communication with him, that left him one more person to see. One more person to ask his questions to.

 

Someone who _was_ coming home in a weeks time.

 

And that person was... _Morgana_.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A penny for your thoughts.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to start off first by apologizing for the delay in posting this chapter. If you noticed the word count I am sure that you can assume why. It's large enough for a few weeks worth of writing but there was a lot to cover. I also wanted to thank everyone who has taken the time to send in reviews. It continues to encourage and inspire me as I write this story. I hope everyone is still enjoying it. And for those who haven't reviewed yet, it would be nice to hear from you too. I love reading everyone's thoughts and perspectives on this story! 
> 
> This chapter is unbeta'd. I went through it several times but it doesn't mean that I haven't missed anything. If you see it, please feel free to point it out and I will make the necessary adjustments.
> 
> There is a *lot* going on in this chapter. And from multiple points of views. For those of you who have speculated Nimueh's intentions in her treatment of Arthur. You will have your answers because you will be able to have those answers from her POV as assumptions are not always the case. With that being said, I hope you enjoy the chapter.

Each day seemed more difficult than the last for the first week. Arthur didn't think it could be possible considering the fact that he had suicidal thoughts, a nervous breakdown, an eating disorder, and pined for the last seven years. How could it be possible for it to get any worse?! Well -- he stood corrected. It could be worse. It was worse. The only difference. When he went through those dark times before he knew that Merlin would be there. In whatever capacity. Whether he didn't love him or if he claimed to love him now. It didn't matter. He was there. And now -- he's not.

 

Arthur had to remind himself that he was the one that sent Merlin away. It was his fault for everything. His fault for falling in love. His fault for not moving on. His fault for not sharing his feelings -- not that it would have made a difference, as Merlin had told him time and time again that it wouldn't have, that it was his walking away from Merlin and out of his life that triggered his emotions -- even though he'd given enough signs that a blind man could have seen. It was his fault for suffering a nervous breakdown. His fault for coming back and not standing up for himself. It was his fault that he was so dependent and lost his identity. It was his fault for everything. He was the idiot that fell in love. He was the idiot that loved so much and gave so much that he was dying literally inside without even _noticing_ it.

 

Whatever Merlin did. It didn't take away from that.

 

He was the one who needed his sister to see that he was falling apart, to notice -- to care -- and to intervene before it got worse. He was the weak one. He didn't deserve to be happy. And he didn't deserve to live if he didn't get better.

 

It was all that Arthur thought about as he went through the first week. It was all that he thought about as he went through the second. Sure, he went to work everyday. Sure he met with the investers, public relations, the construction crew, and Aggravaine. Sure he even worked with Morgana. But everything he did was out of sheer experience and out of being a Pendragon. They breathed the business and they shined in the public eye. It wasn't difficult to look like he was on point. Unless you were Morgana -- who happened to be his big sister -- who had twenty-seven years of experience of all things _Arthur_ under her belt. If you were... You were able to see through the bullshit.

 

Nevertheless. He worked and he waited for the axe to fall. He worked, and he waited for the time before his father would find out. Because he would. And he would arrive. It was only a matter of time. Arthur was sure of it.

 

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

“Arthur, the lot's been asking about you again.” Morgana said, as they watched the BBC version of Being Human. She and Gwaine sitting in the loveseat, Arthur sitting in the recliner -- feet up -- Autumn asleep for the night. Two huge bowls of popcorn. One being shared between Morgana and Gwaine. And one for Arthur. Arthur and Gwaine drinking brandy while Morgana was sipping a cup of tea.

 

Arthur took a handful of popcorn. It tasted like sawdust. He never did get any natural tastebuds back for food yet, even though he ate it and hoped that he wouldn't throw up. He'd done that several times too. He swallowed the popcorn down forcefully. He knew this time was going to come when he blocked everyone's telephone numbers with the exception of: His father, Hunith, Gaius, Kay, Bohrs, Mordred -- Kay, Bohrs, and Mordred, due to the pact they all made at the resort and the fact that they were on his new friends, meeting new people list, and he was going out on dates with Mordred for his recovery -- and the executive office of Pendragon Electronics. Everyone else in London -- his phone number blocked, to receive calls from. “Tell them I'm -- dealing.”

 

“I think she means --” Gwaine interjected, because he was getting the questions too, “I think she means that they are asking for _details_. They want to know how you are. Why did you break up with Merlin? Not that you were in a relationship but they thought it would have been the next step after you both recovered. And why did you block your phone from receiving all of their calls?” Some of those questions Gwaine had himself. He really couldn't answer them for the lot. And Morgana asked him not to say anything unless Arthur gave them permission to do so. It was almost like that damn vow they swore all over again! But he wasn't going to just set back and let Arthur end up going away again from a nervous breakdown because he refused to tell his feelings. Gwaine knew it was way more than that that caused Arthur's nervous breakdown. But that secret took a toll on them. They should have never kept it when Arthur fell into depression. Uther would have had more authority to do something more than what Arthur allowed Morgana to do without having to be half as forceful. Arthur would have listened to him. Arthur did everything Merlin asked him to do. He constantly placed Merlin first, even before his own recovery. He would do _anything_ for Merlin. Maybe if Merlin knew he could have convinced Arthur to get the help sooner. Something! Gwaine knew the last would have been wrong if Merlin had to use that side of himself to get Arthur the help. Not to mention the fact that Arthur had _told_ Merlin about his condition, _before_ , he went to the resort – and _after_. He was honest with him about it. Merlin ignored it for the majority, if not, all of it -- for the longest time -- only focusing on them being together and nothing about what Arthur _needed_ to get better. Nothing about his recovery. Even though Arthur _told_ him what he needed to do there too. Which meant it wouldn't have worked. Not to mention the fact that getting Merlin to play into the side of Arthur doing _anything_ he wanted would only add to Arthur's dependency issues. But if it got Arthur the help... Gwaine knew full well he was grasping at straws. Morgana's method was effective. It just took more time because Arthur was giving her a hard time, whether it be because he kept putting his recovery on hold to help Merlin, kept listening to what Merlin wanted him to do, or because he waited until he knew he was getting worse and couldn't do it alone without her help. The latter seemed to be the last resort when Arthur knew that in the end it would be Morgana to step in to get him the help that he needed. Who saw the coming storm. Like now. The only thing that Gwaine knew for sure was that he did _not_ want a repeat of what happened over the past seven years. Nor did he want a repeat of what was happening now.

 

Arthur swallowed hard. “I don't _want_ them to know of the details. Especially since _I'm_ not _aware_ of all of the details. Nimueh gave me these past few weeks off to get the new branch situated because I assured her I could without, having a nervous breakdown but, she won't be doing it for much longer. I don't know if she's going to change my recovery process. I don't know if she'll write me off as a lost cause. I just don't -- know.” Arthur's voice hitched. “I don't want anyone to have to think about me or to worry about me. The lot placed their lives on hold for long enough worrying about me and trying to do what they thought was best by supporting me. And Merlin, if I open the lines of communication with them it wouldn't be fair to Merlin. He would think that I was completely ignoring him--”

 

“You _are_ completely ignoring him,” Morgana thought she'd point that out. Word got around fast that Arthur blocked everyone's phone numbers -- including -- Merlin's. Morgana almost dropped her tea cup on the floor while she was talking to Gwen about it. Arthur made that decision on his own and never even mentioned it. She would have preferred him not close off communication from everyone. It reminded her too much of their aunt. Arthur probably knew that she would think that way, which is more than likely why he discreetly chose not to mention it. At least she was still with him to know what was going on. If he did that to her, and she was still in London -- she would have been on the next plane out. He would know better than to anything like that to her. But she could imagine how their friends felt. Even Merlin. It was almost like a smack in the face. She knew it wasn't Arthur's intention. But he had to realize that it was going to hurt.

 

“They're just worried about you,” Gwaine followed up.

 

Arthur ignored both of them in favor of finishing his sentence. “I want Merlin to be happy. He won't be happy if he finds out how I'm doing here. That my condition has worsened. He'll know the truth. He'll know that I lied to him.” Not that Arthur could ever _lie_ to Merlin. He could only omit the truth. He could pinpoint on words, speak the truth on that, and refrain from speaking on the rest. Or he could refrain from saying more than what he wanted to. But outright lying, making something up, it wasn't something that he could do. Merlin on the other hand, was what you called the more adept liar. Merlin's been lying to him for years. About the continued bullying, as Will said and Merlin admitted, about his abuse -- from day one -- and about anything that would cause Merlin to have to put himself out there first for evaluation. Somehow it always fell back to Arthur, for not being the one who _told_ him when Merlin knew full well what needed to be said for the majority of the time. When there was plenty of times that Merlin's never told him anything until he thought he was going to lose him. Not by choice. Arthur was sure there was still things Merlin would never tell him. He lied instinctively many times before he said the truth. And most of the time Arthur had to call him out on it first in order for him to _tell_ the truth. It was Merlin's defense mechanism. Something, he became an expert at. He knew that Merlin was working on it. But he also saw when Merlin fell back on it. “I want him to be able to move on with his life. He deserves better than me.” And that was true. Merlin deserved to have his chance to be happy in his life. Arthur had to come to terms with the fact that as long as he couldn't get better -- he couldn't give Merlin that.

 

“I can't believe you would say that.” Morgana said, agitated.

 

Gwaine touched her shoulder but she shrugged it off. “I can't believe you continue to put yourself down thinking that Merlin deserves better. Always thinking of him first and foremost. Always sacrificing yourself. Even while going on the verge of a second breakdown. You _keep_ putting Merlin first. Merlin keeps putting himself first. And you slowly die inside; because you and Merlin, only putting Merlin first, never evens out. Just once, I want to be able to see you put yourself first. _Without_ thinking about where Merlin fits in in all of it. Because Merlin couldn't possibly have been thinking about your health over the past month as he continued to push you along to go against your own recovery. And he sure as hell wasn't thinking about it over the past seven years!”

 

“Morgana--” Arthur tried, before Morgana cut right back in.

 

“No, Morgana me, Arthur! You didn't see yourself obviously. You don't see yourself now. The two of you sat in that flat together while one of you were dying, one of you never noticed, while the other kept putting the knowing aside in favor of love. You, too busy focusing on Merlin seeing your signs, your love for him, and Merlin, focusing on everything else, and the next person he was going to shag.”

 

“Morgana!” Gwaine cut in forcefully. She called a hell of a lot of that right -- somethings could be up to interpretation -- but now, was not the time. “That's enough!” Because sometimes he had to cut in. As much as she saw Arthur falling apart she didn't see that sometimes her pressure wasn't as good either. It didn't go against Arthur's recovery like Merlin requests did, but it did add towards Arthur's stress levels. And he looked like he was run over by a train already. Arthur, was an accident _waiting_ to happen.

 

“Fine, you know what, take his side.” Morgana said as she got up and slammed the popcorn bowl on the coffee table. A few kernels falling out of the bowl. She grabbed her tea cup next. “I'm going to bed. Maybe by the time I wake up in the morning the both of you will see some sense.” She was frustrated as she stormed off to her room. Arthur was _not_ going to get better until he decided to think of himself first. Merlin may deserve happiness but Arthur sure as hell did too. Yet, somehow, Arthur never thought that he did.

 

Arthur couldn't say anything.

 

“I'm sorry about that,” Gwaine said. Always the peacemaker. Replaying a similar speech that he gave Merlin not so long ago. Minus the pregnancy. “She's been very stressed out lately, emotional during her pregnancy, and very worried about you,” Gwaine shook his head. “She didn't mean it.”

 

“Yes, she did.” Arthur disagreed. As he looked down the hallway on his right from his seat. The dust settling on the white carpet. He knew his sister. More than anyone with the exception of Gwaine, as her husband. And there were still things that he knew more of about Morgana than Gwaine did. And it did not all revolve around his aunt. They were siblings after all. She meant every word. He settled for what he could talk about it. But he got _all_ of her message loud and clear. “But don't worry about it. Merlin never misses an opportunity to blame her either. Their even in that regard. He got angry everytime Morgana got on me to follow doctor's orders. To put myself first. And to not allow Merlin to convince me to change the direction that was given to me from my therapist like he did before. She doesn't think I'm strong enough to not tell Merlin that I have to follow my doctor's orders, _all orders_ \-- without exception.”

 

Gwaine nodded. “Is she right?”

 

Arthur couldn't find himself to disagree. “She's right. I haven't been able to follow my doctor's orders the way I should have been. If I was, I wouldn't have altered her original direction in the first place. It's the difference between Morgana and Merlin. Morgana wants me to get better by following everything that's been prescribed by my therapist. She's seen me at my worse and she knows _exactly_ what I've been through. Merlin hasn't. And while he may love me too, he only saw Morgana standing in the way of his relationship with me that he wanted to have. He never managed to see _why_ she had to, without blaming her for something else.” And if he did, he never voiced it. Arthur thought. His words were more in favor of saying something negative about Morgana when given the opportunity since he left for the resort. “He never managed to see that she was the only one who _noticed_ to help. Even though he was told. By everyone. By me.” Arthur took a sip of his brandy. “He never saw how far I got before she had to intervene because he never knew when I was sick in the first place. So while everyone else knew why I had to go away. Because they could clearly see it. Merlin chose to blame Morgana instead. Like she orchestrated my falling in love, my getting sick, and my doctor's orders all on her own.” He was only speaking fact in that regard. He knew that Merlin was careful in not accusing Morgana around him -- but when he did tell him, when he spoke to their friends -- which always comes back because no one speaks bad about each other. Everyone stayed friends, everyone loved each other, but they all knew it was against their unwritten code. The lot was, for some, the only family that they had.

 

Not even Morgana said anything negative unless she wanted it to get back. And Arthur was 100% sure that Merlin was that way too. He was too private -- about the deep things -- to be so open and only about Morgana and his recovery process. Like he wanted to feel out what the others thought or wanted to stir something up. Word always got back. That's what happens with friends. You can't say anything good or bad -- especially not bad, because you didn't down your friends -- without it coming back amongst a large group that's been considered a family for over a decade. It was why Arthur swore them to secrecy anyway. It's why he never voiced any of his feelings of doubt or extreme hurt about his feelings for Merlin, about things that were done or not done for that matter -- especially during his recovery -- with no one else aside from Gwaine and Morgana. And as it got worse, mainly Morgana.

 

And later with Merlin. And he was still selective in what he told Merlin as he got worse. Even though Merlin was fully aware of his condition, his treatment, and his progress. Even if he didn't acknowledge it. It was when he started to feel worse that he started to keep some of those feelings back. Merlin was recovering too. He didn't want to delay Merlin's recovery. He didn't place his own recovery on hold for nothing, only for Merlin's to regress back. What would have been the point if he did? It was meant to help Merlin. And of course he didn't know if Merlin would tell the deep things from their discussions. Because their dynamic was changing. And so was what they talked about. Because it wasn't just about their friendship anymore. Arthur could tell Merlin anything about that. And anything that bothered him about life in general as a friend. Which was right, considering Merlin didn't block any feelings as a friend. But he had to test this new thing -- considering the fact that Merlin was talking so openly against his recovery and his sister -- and he had to trust him. He's heard some things come back but the intimate things, the deeper thoughts, Merlin kept to himself. And that went the same for Gwaine and Morgana. They shared some things, but they knew where to draw their limits. Morgana especially, and she was less and less vocal as he went through his recovery. He knew he had to talk to someone. But he was always careful with whom. Because he didn't want it to get back.

 

He was drunk when he confessed. That's why it was called a drunken confession! It wasn't meant for everyone to know! It slipped out. Along with all of his pain. Alcohol, an extreme amount of alcohol, has that affect, as it lowers your inhibitions. They may have guessed his feelings, but he never said it out loud until then. If he didn't swear them to secrecy Merlin would have known by the time he got off with his date for the night. He would have received a text, a call, a visit, something! That's the way the lot worked. They all looked out for each other. And they may have kept the vow, but there was never a day that past by without one of them harassing him to tell Merlin about his feelings, and, as he fell into depression, to tell him, to move on, to move out or tell Merlin to move out.

 

Morgana would only share deepest thoughts with Gwaine and him, and possibly a select few friends. It was no different than Merlin only sharing his deepest and darkest moments of his past with him. Or Will, depending on what it was. He knew his sister and he knew Merlin. If either of them were speaking out so negatively and freely, they _wanted_ it get out. The important stuff... They knew how to keep a lid on. Sometimes things slipped, but that was life – Merlin spoke out against anything he thought stood in the way of them being together. Because that was exactly what happened and Merlin's words everytime he spoke about Morgana or Mordred confirmed it. While Morgana's words about Merlin confirmed the same thing. Except she takes Merlin's actions against him as Merlin not being attentive, not supporting him, or Merlin always placing his own needs first. Without compromise. She also says that Merlin showed a lack of compassion for him during his breakdown. And during his recovery. Since Merlin only focused on them being together and not, the fact that Arthur had to get to that end result -- by being healthy -- to be with Merlin in the first place.

 

“Oh believe me,” Gwaine said, while sitting back and taking a sip of his brandy, as if sensing some of Arthur's thoughts. “I know _exactly_ what Merlin's been saying about Morgana to anyone who has an ear to hear. And she does too. That's what's adding the fuel to her fire. She never had a problem with Merlin until you got to the point of losing it. She was holding out with you for Merlin to see the signs. Yes, she was upset that he didn't see it. That you were wasting your life away waiting. So were we all. But she held on to hope. Until you got sick and fell into depression. And still, she tried to follow your direction. Until she couldn't take it any longer. The suicidal thoughts, the continuing to lose weight, you basically being asked out of your flat with all the bloke traffic, Merlin never noticing any of it or the fact that you were sick. Those things started to add up. And then when he attacked her at the pub after you left... She started off being nice to him. She _tried_. I can give her that. She was even trying hard to take Merlin's condition into consideration. It was on Merlin's second or third retort of taking a jab at her. I could see the moment when she had had enough of him blaming her for you having to go away in the first place. It wasn't that difficult for him to get a rouse out of her if that was his intent. He had to have realized that sending you away wasn't easy on her either. As close as you two are. She was already stressed and worried about you. She'd seen it all with you. And on top of that, her pregnancy symptoms were kicking in. Which made her even more emotional than she already was.

 

It pissed her off, because he never even asked how you were doing. He didn't seem concerned that you had a nervous breakdown, that you had an eating disorder, or about anything regarding your health. He didn't have to say anything if those were his thoughts and that would have been fine, but what he chose to do was launch an attack on her. And when do you Pendragons stand down from that?” Arthur couldn't answer. They never did. “The only thing he managed to continue to say with resentment, was that she took you away from him. Like you didn't leave by your own consent. Like you didn't explain to him why you had to leave in the first place. And that's when she felt like he didn't care for you. She knows that he does. But he wasn't showing it at the time. It was irrelevant that she had to intervene except for the fact that she _had_ to intervene. The problem was the fact that you had a nervous breakdown, were severely depressed, and had an eating disorder and instead of discussing that, instead of showing compassion for that, like we were trying to show support for him by being there, he took the time to accuse her of sending you away. That was the only thing that stood out to Merlin out of their entire discussion. That's what upset her. Because the only thing that she did was help you. And if it meant you had to be out of the flat for a while then everyone should have been in agreement that you needed the help. No questions asked. But here Merlin was telling her off instead like it was all her fault.” Gwaine took another sip of his brandy. “That was exactly when she let him have it. And she didn't even stay to say what she _really_ wanted to say. And you know that she has a temper like Uther when she is set off. She got out of there as fast as she could. All the ladies following behind her to check on her because they knew that she wasn't holding up well to begin with. Even if she was trying to stay strong. She knew that you loved him so she tried not to go any further.” Gwaine chuckled next. “And then, some days later, she tried to apologize, because I told her to, for your sake at least, and due to the fact that Merlin was recovering too. She came back even angrier because he wouldn't accept her apology and because he still didn't show any concern or remorse about your condition. It was my fault I guess. The things she was mad about was valid. Everyone saw it. I just hope things will one day get back to the way that they were. Without all of the bickering. From either of them.

 

Merlin's not a bad guy. He's a good guy actually. I do think he loves you. But I can also see what Morgana is saying too. Because getting you to change your doctor's orders was in no way good for your health. Or for your recovery. Something I hoped we all wanted to see. It definitely wasn't something one would advise a friend to do. And where you should have been receiving support too. Shared support, and you not only focusing on supporting him. Like you've always done. His focus was on you dating and getting together. Like the past seven years were non existent because he didn't experience it. He wasn't able to see how ill you were. It was why I told him to try to put himself in your shoes for a moment. Because I don't think he's ever done it.”

 

“It's all my fault.” Arthur said suddenly. “If I wasn't here. If I never got sick in the first place, none of this would have ever happened. They would still be friends and everyone else would be happy. I should have walked away. I should have removed myself. I should have done something--”

 

“And that's exactly what your sister is worrying about. She doesn't want you to always put yourself on the backburner. Like your irrelevant. Like you don't matter. As long as Merlin's happy. And she's worried that Merlin would continue to allow you to do that. Because that's been the pattern throughout your friendship, and it continued even after Merlin declared his feelings for you. She was afraid that the dynamic between you would stay the same and you wouldn't be able to recover from that. That's why she's been trying so hard to get you through your recovery. She doesn't want to see you go back down a road that you can't come back from this time. And even if you choose Merlin. She wants you to be ready for what that kind of relationship entails. Considering the fact that you both have your own set of problems. And we all know Merlin's track record with men.” He loved him and left them. Except for the love part. Merlin was never ashamed to admit that. And then he went on his quest to find love and that was unfruitful because there was always something wrong with all of the blokes. Merlin never actually asked himself if there was something that he needed to work on too.

 

Arthur nodded. “He's been very -- busy. I know.”

 

Gwaine nodded. That was one way of putting it. “He has. But while he was very -- busy. You _haven't_ been. She's worried about that too. That you would allow yourself to be a doormat for lack of a better word. To continue as you have been. Instead of seeing that you deserve better too. You always say that Merlin deserves better. You always say that you want the best for him. We've never once heard you in the past seven years say that you want the same thing for yourself.” Gwaine ran a hand through his hair. “It scares her a hell of a lot more than you know. Especially since she hasn't seen Merlin place you first the way that you've placed him first. It doesn't equal out to her. And she's afraid that you won't see it until it's too late. And she doesn't want you to fall back into depression.”

 

“He tried. For the last week that we were together. Well, he tried to force me to eat. I don't think he's seen it from the way that you're saying. He may have had a lot of relationships but Merlin's never _stayed_ in those relationships. And he's only loved one person. Though he tries to deny it. So while he has a hell of a lot of experience in the sex category. He doesn't have experience with sticking it out in a relationship, learning how to work together, compromising, and not putting himself first. He's use to protecting himself first and foremost and leaving if he's at risk of failing at that.”

 

Gwaine took a huge sip of his brandy before grabbing the bottle and pouring himself and Arthur a refill. “And that's exactly what she's worried about. What would happen to you if that happened. She knows that he loves you, _how_ he loves you is still in question. She wonders if his actions will show love for you because she hasn't quite seen it, or if his actions will destroy you for good.”

 

Arthur swallowed hard. “I wouldn't be able to answer that. I told Merlin myself if he were to turn around and tell me that he didn't love me after we got together that it would destroy me for good. I told him that I didn't feel like he showed me any support, that he didn't care--”

 

“And what did he say?”

 

“He told me never to tell him that he didn't care. That he did. He also said that he would work on showing the support. But don't ask him to be around while I had to date for my recovery.”

 

“I can see where he wouldn't want to be. That wasn't the issue. I think it was more about his negative behavior when he was around or the negative comments that he floated around the lot about it and about Morgana in conjunction to it. You chose to date Mordred on your own. The only thing she did was ask for him to come along to some of our gatherings. And you know the reason behind that was for her to meet Mordred herself and for the lot to feel him out. She wanted to make sure that he wasn't someone who was going to rip your heart out even more than it already was.”

 

Arthur nodded. He knew that too. Though he didn't call her on it. He knew Morgana's reasons the minute she mentioned it. It was for his recovery too but it was definitely a two-fold reason behind it.

 

“Did you see a difference? In his behavior, after he said he would try?”

 

“He was trying. At the lake-house. After, we argued about the way he was being co critical about Mordred, and about my recovery. I was hurt and angry that he couldn't see me. I guess I shouldn't be considering there are a lot of things that Merlin doesn't see about me. But... I couldn't help it at the time. It built up. Sometimes I need some support and comfort too.” Arthur shook his head. “Maybe, it was too much to ask for.” Arthur said with a shrug. “It's not his fault. I'm the idiot that got depressed in the first place. He shouldn't have to give me any support and comfort in return. We're just friends.” Arthur took a swig of his brandy. “There was still a lot of things that were left unresolved. It wasn't like I could _stop_ dating. It was for my recovery. I told him that on day one when I told him that I couldn't make a decision on what he wanted me to until we were both recovered.”

 

Gwaine nodded. “So why did you break up with him?” He had no problem getting to the point with his question.

 

He didn't quite understand what Arthur was talking about though. _He didn't deserve support and comfort._ What's the point of getting with someone if they can't give that to you? Love can only get you but so far. Relationships are about give and take. Both partners need to be attentive to each others needs. To support them, to comfort them. It was more than about simply being a physical presence. It was also having an emotional presence too. And a mental one. It's not about one person in the relationship fulfilling that, it has to be two. Arthur sounded like Merlin was the only person who deserved everything while he deserved to only bask in the fact that Merlin had it or otherwise be left with nothing, or better yet. To not exist at all outside of that. And yes, sometimes the love doesn't completely even out. But it should be pretty damn close! It worried Gwaine because if the therapy didn't work, if he and Merlin ever did get together, and Merlin continued as he was before, not noticing everything and not noticing just how much of himself Arthur has given him, if Arthur continued doing the same thing he was doing... there would be no one stopping them. Merlin always focused on himself. That was his personality. Sometimes he would put himself aside, but it always ended back to putting himself first and focusing on himself. It didn't matter because everyone has their own personalities but that was and is his. That's why they use to call him self-absorbed. It's not that they didn't love him. They do.

 

And because Arthur loved Merlin so much it would take a hell of a lot to address. Let's say, seven years too long. Who knows if Arthur could recover from that again. He understood both Merlin and Morgana's views before. But differently. As Morgana wasn't out to get Merlin as he continued to proclaim. She was out to protect her brother and to get him better. So if Arthur continued putting himself last while placing Merlin first against what he needed to do to get better, it would go to show reason why she would have to pull him from that. At least for right now. And in all fairness to his wife, Arthur came to her too. When he had no one. When Merlin didn't notice -- which happened to be throughout the entire time. Not that Arthur was expecting him to. He understood clearly after a while that it wasn't going to happen. But he continued to treat Merlin the same. Continued to place him first. And when he couldn't take the overnight guests. When it all got too much. When he couldn't see hope or reason. He would find his way to his and Morgana's. She was there because she knew that Arthur wouldn't be there for himself. And she knew that Arthur didn't have anyone else to look after him. Especially where he was living at the time. She was there because Arthur was her brother and she loved him. And they thought about what would have happened if they told Merlin Arthur's feelings. They didn't think it would have made a difference if learning about Arthur's health condition didn't. And it wasn't Arthur's feelings or health that triggered Merlin's emotions for him anyway.

 

If he would have given in to Arthur it would have been based on the things Arthur feared he would have accepted those feelings for. It wouldn't have worked. Not to mention it was Arthur's life and his secret to protect. Having feelings for Merlin didn't have anything to do with Merlin knowing the truth. It had everything to do with Arthur's feelings though and he was suffering from depression. They didn't want to tip him over any further than he already was. And since it never affected Merlin. Since Merlin was content, dating, and happy. Not noticing anything that was going on with Arthur. They gave the hints, they gave the signals, but they kept the secret. Merlin lived with Arthur, if anyone should have seen it it should have been him. They saw Arthur a lot less and were able to pick it up some things. Morgana picked up the most. It would have been either Merlin or Morgana to pick it up. It should have been both. Merlin spent the most time with Arthur, they were best friends. Morgana's relationship with Arthur was always very close. She spent time over at the flat with Merlin and Arthur and they would come to spend time at theirs. Until Arthur started to distance himself. And Merlin got even busier on his dates. Around the same time Robert went back to the states. She knew her brother. She knew when things weren't right. Someone was going to pick up on it.

 

Gwaine sincerely thought that Arthur would have never said anything to Merlin, never would have had an argument with him if it weren't for his depression. If it wasn't for him reaching his limit. If it wasn't for that looming breakdown that he suffered. He would have held it all in. Because he would have wanted Merlin to be happy. He would have continued to suffer in silence. And now, this second argument, along with everything else that Arthur keeps in. It explained him being on the verge of another one. It was the only times he actually spoke out to Merlin. About his hurts. And yet, he still stifles it in favor of what's good for one. Gwaine feared if Merlin didn't recognize that for himself, if the two did get together, there was going to be a serious problem. It wasn't like they didn't tell Merlin things. He always rearranged it to how it applied to him. And not about the matter at hand. If he continued to do the same thing Arthur would be screwed.

 

They all had something that they had to work on and this was Merlin's something. And since it is part of Merlin's personality and not solely based on his condition, it hasn't changed. He would naturally put himself first. Unless he worked on changing that part of him to include thinking of someone else's needs too. If no one was looking out for Arthur he would slip back into depression because eventually he wouldn't be happy. Gwaine didn't give a flying fuck what Arthur had to say there because that was true. The whole joy is in the catch. Certainly. He pined after Morgana too -- but he still continued to date and to live. But it would have taken more than just _having_ Morgana to be happy. She would have had to love him too, she would have to be able to compromise, she would need to be attentive too, she couldn't be a spoiled brat. She would have to treat him the way that she would like to be treated, and she would have to take his needs into consideration. It was a give and take and love for her alone would have not been enough to satisfy in the end. It was the fact that Morgana was the entire package and that she loved him so completely and he in return that's made them so happy bringing forth their beautiful little girl. So bullshit, if Arthur will not later feel some resentment that he's given over so much of himself over the years not to get anything out of it, only to turn around and continue to do so again by putting himself last and saying it only matters that Merlin is happy. Eventually, either Arthur will have a complete meltdown or there will have to be some changes.

 

And shit! Morgana foresaw it all! Gwaine groaned inwardly. He was _not_ going to tell her that though. She would rub it in forever if she thought she was right. Especially because she _knew_ she was right. She knew Arthur her entire life, and she knew Merlin for thirteen years. Gwaine wished she would only change her approach some. She could be overbearing in her trying to get Arthur help. Overbearing as a big sister that is. But it looks like that will be necessary too until Arthur recovered. If he continues down this path. And changing her approach may or may not make a difference. Merlin's blamed her from day one. It wasn't like they talked, the blame was already there, starting from the moment Arthur stepped on the plane to go to the resort. There was _nothing_ she could have done about that. And then she retaliated by saying her feelings at the pub. But in spite of what Merlin may believe. She never directed the lot to stop seeing him and she never left that impression that that was what she wanted. It's not like their her puppets or something. Arthur was right in saying that they look up to her but she never told them what to do. Everyone had their own personalities. They all did their own actions based on what they saw and what they heard from day one until the present. They made some mistakes too. Everyone had. Like not being their during the first two weeks of Merlin's recovery.

 

Even if Merlin pushed them away at first by not answering their calls or by his attack on Morgana at the pub, when they were actually there to support him. Merlin may have been wrong with that but they still shouldn't have turned their backs on their friend. Arthur was right. You argue it out, you talk it out, you take a day or two if you need it, but you don't leave a man behind. Though technically, they all knew that Merlin had Will, Sophia, and Mithian. He wasn't alone. But that was not the point. Even if he was only talking about his love for Arthur, not his condition, and what Morgana did by taking Arthur away. Even though he neglected to speak about himself, and what he was going through with his own condition. Something he really did need support for. He still needed the support too. It wasn't right that they left him during that time. Which is why everyone worked to make things right again. They all loved Merlin. And they missed him. Even Morgana loved Merlin, she always has, she would have shown it too if she wasn't so mad at him and if she wasn't scared shitless because of Arthur's nervous breakdown and everything that was going on with him. Merlin was just as much a part of their group as everyone else. And no one was perfect. It wasn't the first time Merlin had placed himself first over anyone in the lot like that over the years and it wouldn't be the last. It wasn't the first time that the lot's made mistakes over the years too, and it wouldn't be the last. They were all human.

 

Merlin and Morgana would have to deal with their issues on their own. Later. The stress of it from both sides was getting to Arthur. And the stress wasn't good for the baby. Despite what people might think. He sees his wife at night, when they are alone, he's held her when she cries in her sleep at night -- something that's somehow become a frequent occurrence -- she is _not_ invincible. She's trying to stay strong for Arthur. Which is why when Arthur finally does get better. _Completely_. He's going to take her and the kids away on a nice -- long -- vacation. They can call in to check on Arthur and Gwaine was sure that Arthur would like the break too. Once he got better to appreciate it that is. Because Gwaine could see Morgana's coming meltdown from it all too. It may not be a breakdown like Arthur's had, but it definitely will be a meltdown. She's gone through a lot from this ordeal too watching Arthur fall apart piece by piece and trying to fight him to get better when he continued to put his own health on hold. Either from him protesting to getting help in the beginning, to his placing his recovery on hold to help Merlin. Thinking Merlin getting better was more important than himself. She definitely had it rough too. Taking pressure from all directions, including Uther's as he continued to press on what was going on with Arthur. If it were up to Gwaine he would have told him and told him where to stick the information, but Morgana was adamant about Uther not knowing. And so was Arthur. She never told Arthur that though, because she didn't want him to worry about her. She wanted Arthur to take care of himself. To put himself first. He was startled out of his thoughts as Arthur finally answered the question. He was probably startled because Arthur took so long Gwaine was uncertain of whether or not he was going to answer the question.

 

Arthur grimaced. “I have a long ways to go before recovering. There's no guarantee that I will recover.” Arthur tried to be as honest as he could. “There's still a good chance of my father finding out. I didn't want Merlin have to wait for something that may never happen. He deserves better than that. It would have been different if I knew I was going to get better. I want him to be happy.” Arthur held up a hand to stop Gwaine from speaking. “I know. I know that's what everyone is worried about but I can't help how I feel. I _do_ love Merlin, more than my own life.” Arthur meant that with everything in him. “He deserves happiness. And if that means it has to be without me to get it. Then I would step aside to allow that to happen. And I know that Merlin will have no problem finding someone else. Hell, he's probably dating now.”

 

Gwaine didn't say anything to that. He knew for a fact that Merlin started dating again. Arthur handled all of the bloke traffic at the flat better than most who was madly in love but he didn't think _now_ would be the time to share that Merlin was dating.

 

Apparently, Arthur was more observant and astute than Gwaine gave him credit for in reading his poker face. But that could be because Arthur had known him -- practically -- his whole life.

 

“You don't have to hide anything from me, Gwaine. I'm a big boy. I can take it.” Arthur lied. He couldn't take it but he _would_ take it. And he wouldn't speak anything against it. Because Merlin's wants in this situation came first. “It's alright if he's dating again. Or having sex again for that matter. He's a vibrant, gorgeous man. He _enjoys_ dating. He loves sex. He was clear on that front. And I told him to go out again, to meet new people. Don't hold anything against him on my account. He didn't ask for the abuse and the bullying that brought about his disorders or his personality traits that he had or what came along with it. It's who he is. And I didn't ask to fall in love or to fall into a depression with dependency and identity issues or to have an eating disorder. It happened. You can't choose who you love when the feeling comes over you. And as we know my telling him wouldn't have been able to do anything anyway about it. He blocked those feelings along the way. We made mistakes along the way as we both tried to live our lives as we saw fit to do it. To make things easier. To live. If you want to blame anyone for it. If you have to blame anyone for it. Than blame me. Let Merlin live his life.” He didn't think Gwaine would hold that against Merlin, but he was sending a message to the lot. He didn't have to tell Gwaine to relay it, and to not say it was from him. He could give Merlin that. He's said it before, but this time he needed to make it final. In case he didn't have time to say it again.

 

Gwaine has always said it and he'll say it again, there will _never_ be another Arthur Pendragon. Because how much would one be willing to give up for someone that you loved? He respected that. But in the same token, in this situation, considering the circumstances...it _worried_ him. Because Arthur was obviously holding his feelings in. And if he continued to do so....

 

He would have to watch Arthur closely over the next few months. And thereafter. Until he was sure that he was going to get back on his feet. They knew that Merlin was doing better, that he was picking up the pieces, that he missed Arthur but was coping -- they thought it best not to tell that part to Arthur -- and he was dating again. But Arthur was only dating for his recovery. It wasn't a matter of personal choice for him. The only choice he had in the matter was who he chose to date and that person still had to be from a new friends list. They all understood that too. As they all knew if Arthur had the choice, his choice, would be Merlin. It didn't change the problem at hand though. Because even after _everything_ that was said -- even after everything that was done -- Arthur still never thought about himself in that equation and he still never said anything about his own happiness. Like it didn't matter. Like it was irrelevant. And he could not forget the part of their discussion where Arthur said, “ **It's all my fault**.” Arthur said suddenly. “ **If I wasn't here**. If I never got sick in the first place, none of this would have ever happened. They would still be friends and everyone else would be happy. I should have walked away. **I should have removed myself.** I should have done something--”He really thought everyone would be much happier if he wasn't around. It was so far from the truth and yet it spoke volumes of what Arthur thought of himself.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

The first thing that Nimueh did upon hearing that Arthur -- and by extension, Morgana -- weren't being _completely_ honest with her about everything, was have Arthur's condition re-evaluated. She knew that she was working with Arthur with expressing his feelings properly -- no one should wait for seven years to see if they were loved back. They were either to move on or to express their feelings. Especially if the person they loved failed to understand or ignored all forms of non-verbal communication. No one should have to wait that long. You would only leave yourself up for being mentally and emotionally punished -- but she didn't expect information to be withheld by Morgana. It wasn't the fact that they _lied_ , but there were some things that Morgana omitted originally and several things that Arthur _intentionally_ omitted that was vital information that she needed in know. It was key to him continuing to receive proper treatment. Such as Arthur falling deeper into depression, his darker moments of hopelessness, his mood swings, his complete loss of control with anything and everything that had to do with his life, his suicidal thoughts returning, and now, his fear of being institutionalized. Things that Arthur should have advised her of immediately during their daily sessions when she addressed it and more than several times, and also during their initial evaluation -- things he neglected to say -- as those things continued to affect him. Nimueh understood Arthur not wanting to be treated in an inpatient capacity. That was said originally. She knew that he didn't want Uther to find out. She also knew that it wasn't an easy thing to accomplish considering the Pendragon name and Uther's standings in the world of business. If the press got wind of it, so would everyone else, including Uther. It was just a wonder the friends kept everything within their group and not outside of it. So she didn't press the inpatient treatment. Even though it would have been a better option. She could work around it bringing about the same results if necessary. It had been proven. As long as Arthur followed his treatment as outlined, the inpatient treatment could be avoided.

 

There was another problem however. As she listened to both siblings, as Morgana wanted to come with Arthur for this session, and Arthur had allowed it. It was a little odd for Nimueh at first – given the fact that Morgana had not been involved with anything that had to do with Arthur treatments since he accepted the help. Morgana only privy to what was needed for Arthur to recover. And not, of what was shared during their sessions unless Arthur gave her permission to share or unless Arthur told Morgana himself. Both, based on Arthur's choices. Which, Morgana was fine with, as long as Arthur got the help -- but if it weren't for the joint session she would not have never found out that the two were hiding things, _from her_. She would have never learned about Arthur's regressing and not telling her about the changes because he wanted to keep his promises to Merlin (the dating and the additional time). Because he himself didn't want to be apart from Merlin either. His dependent nature taking full effect, alongside his ever present love for Merlin. If Morgana wasn't present she wouldn't have learned about Arthur's fear, _not dislike_ , of being institutionalized. Nor would she have learned about Arthur's suicidal thoughts returning and the fact that he had all but given up hope that he would _ever_ recover. That he resigned himself for the worse. No, it was Morgana who forced that all to the table. Arthur somehow accepting his fate without fully attempting to try to fight it because he saw no way around it.

 

There was also the mention of Merlin, and the fact that he broke up -- the whatever not called romantic relationship -- that he had with Merlin that surprised Nimueh. The fact that Arthur did it so abruptly. And the fact that he left himself no opening to change his mind that rung screaming alarm bells for her. She knew exactly how much Arthur loved Merlin from their sessions. There was never a question that Arthur loved Merlin. He came to her after Merlin demanded those changes to Arthur's recovery treatment. He forced the treatment to include him and Merlin dating and more time to spend with each other along with the time he had already allocated to help Merlin get through his own recovery supporting him. Arthur fought her tooth and nail to make sure that everything was included. He followed Merlin's wishes to the tee. Arthur would do _anything_ for Merlin. And that was not their only fight on the subject.

 

Anytime she would see that Arthur was slipping with his weight she would try to convince him that spending the time with someone you were completely dependent on -- the source of your unrequited love -- was not a good idea from a recovering standpoint. That it would work against him. She continued to advise that his depression was for an unrequited love. It didn't matter that Merlin had just declared his feelings. He could have shouted it from the rooftops and it wouldn't have mattered. The damage was already done. The seven years were not kind to Arthur. His depression was set in. He failed to get treatment for all of that time. He failed to get the help. It didn't matter now that he continued to do everything out of concern to Merlin. What mattered now was he was killing himself by doing so. Because he didn't see the damage being done to himself. No, he saw it, it was just unimportant in comparison to Merlin. And it apparently still was.

 

He came back from the resort, found out about Merlin's condition, and placed his own recovery on hold mentally. Only doing part of what he had to do but not everything. He accepted Merlin's wishes despite the fact that it was harmful to him. It didn't matter if he told Merlin what his condition was, and it's severity. Once Merlin continued to push -- against doctor prescribed orders. And against things that Arthur knew was crucial for his own health -- Arthur should have retreated and gotten the space then. He should have known that when someone did that they weren't acting with your best interest at heart -- but their own. It should have raised alarm bells. For his own health. It should have made him fight. To ask questions for his own sanity. And out of his own self-preservation. But it never happened. Arthur continued to stay. Continued to listen. And continued to place Merlin first, with no concern for himself. It worked against everything for his recovery. But it was all done out of love. Of Merlin always being placed first for him. In his every decision. It would have been beautiful if it weren't for the fact that Arthur was slowly dying inside for years to accomplish it. Without anyone noticing until Morgana found out. Nevertheless, it was those thoughts that brought the conclusion that Arthur wouldn't have broken it off with Merlin unless he wasn't planning on recovering. _Ever._ Which made his suicidal -- thoughts -- sound off like a fire drill for her. It also allowed her to see that there were more things that she was missing. Thanks to them not being completely honest with her. But she would work to resolve that. Which brought about a few more things.

 

After thirty minutes of listening to them skate over topics to avoid _bigger_ topics. Topics that sounded _crucial_ to Arthur's treatment. Topics that apparently, she should have been made aware of, she had had enough. Which meant, she _forced_ the truth out of them. Arthur was getting worse. She had no time for playing nice. She forced the truth by telling them that in order to _truly_ help Arthur -- something they were all _supposed_ to have been there for -- she needed to know the _entire_ truth. And upon the siblings' tense hesitance, she reminded them both that she was bound under doctor/patient confidentiality. That any information given to her pertaining to the treatment that she needed to provide and anything surrounding that would be kept under the strictest of confidences. Something Pendragons should understand considering their line of work and the secrets around their inventions before unveiling them into the marketplace. Apparently, they did not. Upon _further_ hesitance, she informed them that _anything_ shared would not leave the room. _Ever_. And upon those words -- and _after_ a stare down between the siblings -- Nimueh, had _finally_ gotten the truth. They were pretty much to tears -- which they held in quite well under the circumstances -- by the time they finished the entire story of their aunt. It was obvious that the experience and the loss impacted a lot of things. Starting with their thoughts of their father and their joint feeling about being institutionalized. That fear wasn't Arthur's alone it seemed. Which explained Morgana's heavy influence in ensuring that Arthur got the help. By _whatever_ means necessary. She knew how much Morgana loved Arthur -- and of Arthur's love for her -- but their bond ran deeper than that of normal siblings due to the joint trauma shared between them. And of their promises shared.

 

Upon another evaluation, it was still determined that the fear of being institutionalized still _wasn't_ the cause of Arthur's depression. He lived completely separate from that for all of these years. And a few questions from Gaius, as the Pendragon family doctor until Arthur was fourteen and records from Edwin Muirden -- without mentioning Arthur and Morgana's secret and under the clause of doctor/patient confidentiality -- solidified that. Arthur's experience however, did affect his need to watch over people. To look after them. To protect them. To not leave them alone. To not allow them to suffer. And to not make them feel abandoned. Hence, his savior-complex. Something Arthur wouldn't have connected with his aunt. As it hadn't really played a part in his life until now. In his own depression. Abd ut was in addition to and not the cause of. The words of their aunt standing out in the forefront from what was overheard between Gaius and Uther. That she felt so alone. There were other words too, but that stood out the most to her. Because Arthur felt alone too. Even being surrounded by people.

 

It wasn't uncommon for them to go through this, considering Arthur was twelve at the time and Morgana fourteen, with no adult they felt comfortable with to explain things for them. Or to give them comfort. It wasn't like they had no comfort at all, Uther did comfort them, but for the wrong reasons and the siblings knew it. They suffered knowing the real reason behind their aunt's death in silence. With only each other to rely on, to depend on. Something Arthur and Morgana are doing right now. Nimueh mused to herself. It explained Morgana's behavior to Nimueh to a tee. It explained Arthur's too. His need to not leave Merlin alone, and to support him through his recovery. It explained why Arthur paid more attention to Merlin with no self-preservation for himself, constantly placing Merlin's needs above his own. The only way that it would stop would have been through treatment -- which they have no alternative but to do now -- or for Merlin himself to have noticed Arthur was constantly placing his needs first before his own. To have intervened. Something that never happened or not soon enough if Arthur's present state had anything to show for it.

 

Arthur would have continued to place Merlin first without proper intervention. From what Arthur heard when he returned from the resort, from what he learned from Will before he returned, and from everything that was pointed out, it looked like Merlin was well and truly on his way to suffering from depression himself with all lights on go. Arthur would _not_ have left Merlin to be alone under those circumstances. He definitely would not have wanted a repeat of what would feel like history to him. And he saw for himself that Merlin was already isolating himself. That he was already closing himself off. Arthur did what he always did, he protected Merlin first. His love for Merlin playing a major part of his reasons why. He loved Merlin too much to see him fall into what Arthur considered to be a death sentence. Not to mention Arthur's identity and dependency issues. The problem with that was the fact that no one was looking out for Arthur in turn. If their relationship was more balanced, they probably could have worked on it by discussion and compromise. But that was _before_ Arthur's depression. A declaration of love wouldn't have been able to change things now. Unless some other things changed right along with it.

 

Which brought her back to Arthur's original diagnosis. Which still held true. Arthur's depression itself was still based on an unrequited love. That was the reason for it. After several evaluations. After reviewing his other symptoms. With another secondary, and a third opinion by her colleagues. The diagnosis remained the same. Merlin's sudden declaration of love after seven years didn't take away from the feelings and rejection suffered for Arthur. It didn't take away from the depression as it developed. The depression was already well placed and set in motion _before,_ Merlin decided that he was in love with Arthur when Arthur was going away for treatment. There were no ifs, ands, or buts about that evaluation. Arthur's love for Merlin, his pining over him for seven years, his feelings of hopelessness, the constant rejection, the constant self-doubt, _all_ played contributing factors in Arthur's falling into depression. And considering the fact that there were more years that Arthur suffered from having an unrequited love than not...he needed to be treated as such in order for him to properly get back the things that he lost. To get him where he needed to be. And there was still the issue of Arthur being heavily dependent on Merlin. There was still the identity issues to take into consideration. And she couldn't think of those things without thinking about Arthur's eating disorder. They had a hell of a lot to focus on.

 

With that thought in mind, the trip to New York for six months was actually a benefit to Arthur. He needed to be away from Merlin and he needed to be away from his father. Without Arthur constantly being paronoid that his father would learn of his condition. Without Arthur thinking that his father would take guardianship over him if he were to find out. Like his father did with his aunt. And without the altering of his recovery process to stand in the way of what Arthur really needed to focus on at the moment. Himself. Something that he hasn't taken the time to focus on in quite sometime. The change of location, the removal of outside influences for now, and the reduction in stress would actually do Arthur a lot of good.

 

Arthur making the decision of breaking up with Merlin still surprised Nimueh. Partly. She could see the danger signs though. She knew that Arthur didn't see another way out of his situation, but it still made her think more. And as Arthur continued to speak she got the second half of her answer. Arthur's decision was also based on protecting Merlin. Because he thought that he wasn't going to get better in time. Because he didn't see another way out of his situation that didn't include himself being institutionalized. A fate worse than death it seemed. For his aunt and for Arthur. Morgana was quiet, but Nimueh could see that Morgana felt the same way.

 

Arthur wanted Merlin to be happy. Without, Merlin having to worry about him. Without having to concern himself or blame himself for Arthur's health. It wasn't Merlin fault Arthur's condition was as bad as it was, when Arthur came for help originally. Or that he had a condition in the first place. Having an unrequited love doesn't make it the source of that loves fault. Neither does pining for them or falling into depression. There were contributing factors over their month spent together that did damage to Arthur's recovery, but Merlin certainly wasn't the cause to the problems itself. Arthur was suffering from depression long before the month they spent together. Nimueh sighed inwardly. That wasn't the point! The point of the matter was Arthur's reactions still spoke volumes. And it screamed that Arthur thought that Merlin's life was more important than his. Which basically told her, if it weren't for Morgana's involvement, Arthur probably would have never seeked help because all he cared about was Merlin -- not himself. And since Merlin never managed to foresee a problem in Arthur over their years together or during their month together, Arthur may have very well succumbed to those suicidal thoughts that he continued to have. That he continued to keep in secret when he thought no one was paying attention.

 

Arthur would have felt alone, and he wouldn't have seen any hope in his situation. Nimueh didn't need to guess that. It was confirmed for her. According to both Arthur and Morgana -- which was confirmed to Arthur by Merlin himself -- Merlin didn't realize any feelings for Arthur until, Arthur was leaving for the resort. The reason was due to his blocked emotions but it was true all the same. Which would only mean, if Morgana didn't force Arthur to get the help in the first place -- if she didn't convince Arthur to leave to get help and to finally get some distance from Merlin -- Merlin would have never admitted any feelings -- or noticed that he had any romantic feelings -- since he blocked his feelings off from Arthur to protect himself from getting hurt. And to protect their friendship. Arthur tried to justify Merlin's reasons -- but it wasn't her job to concern herself with all of Merlin's reasons. It was her job to get Arthur better. She wasn't trying to harm Merlin or to do anything against him. She was trying to understand. And considering that a lot of Arthur's relationship with Merlin defined him over the years with his dependency and identity issues that developed and his constantly placing Merlin first, relinquishing control -- even if they have broken up -- she needed to understand to better treat Arthur. It would be Arthur's choice whether or not he wanted to be with Merlin later. It would be Merlin's too. Her job was to get Arthur better. To prepare Arthur to have healthy romantic relationships again without, slipping into a role of dependency, losing his own identity, or falling into a depression in the process.

 

Merlin's declaration changed his own situation, by knowing his feelings. He could open himself up again and truly live now. He could heal from everything with the feeling of a soothing balm once he goes through his own mental catharsis (something she's heard Merlin's accomplished for the most part). Burying feelings don't actually take those feelings away. No matter what someone tries to do to block it or to cover it up. It's not how the mind works. It will follow the user's lead however, but it has to process the feeling. The shock of it all. To whatever end. Or the mind and body will start to rebel. Eventually, the mind would become a ticking time bomb, waiting for it's trigger to set it off. Apparently Arthur was that trigger. As Merlin mentally -- unconsciously -- used love to compensate for the pain -- a safety net -- to coat the pain of being abused and for the bullying, storing it in a comfort zone in the recesses of his mind. Tying it all to Arthur -- someone who was unchanging, who always made Merlin feel safe, happy, protected, and content -- without his own knowledge and consent. The mind has it's own way to compensate too. There's no way to block off _all_ feelings of pain that will remind you of past traumatic events. No matter how strong and sturdy Merlin's walls were. The pain was comforted by the love. And love has the ability to cover a life-time of pain. And given how strongly Arthur loves... Merlin would have never ran out of his quick fixes. Which was why the leaving was the trigger.

 

The declaration may have changed Merlin's _situation_ but it didn't change Arthur's _condition_. It made it worse in many ways. Because not only does Arthur know those feelings and knows the reasons. He also knows that Merlin intentionally closed those feelings off. To protect himself. To prevent himself from telling Arthur his feelings. For the sake of their friendship. That it was Merlin's actions, by blocking his own feelings for Arthur, that caused him not to see Arthur's signs for what it was. That made Arthur feel rejected over and over and over again. Which led him into falling into depression. It would go to question for Arthur to attempt to guess how strong Merlin's love for him was at the time, if he couldn't fight past that to try. It still wasn't Merlin's fault that Arthur fell into depression however. Nor was it his fault that Arthur developed dependency and identity issues. But Merlin was definitely a contributing factor as each action caused a reaction. The source, and not the blame. Which meant if it were any other man that Arthur was interested in. They would have seen the signs and none of the past seven years for Arthur would have happened in the first place. Another man, or even woman for that matter -- she always forgot that Arthur was bi-sexual -- would have given Arthur either a yes or a no ages ago and Arthur would have properly moved on by now. But now, finding out Merlin's feelings, after he finally came to grips with the fact that Merlin would _never_ love him, the recovery, the pushing against his recovery, the pressure for a relationship when Arthur originally asked for a waiting period for them both to get healthy, the newfound fear of being institutionalized due to that said depression and the pressure from his recovery -- the urgent need to get better -- all played factors in Arthur's depression worsening.

 

Nimueh understood that Merlin claimed that he loved Arthur now. However she couldn't agree or disagree in saying that his declaration was true. It wasn't as if she knew Merlin well enough herself aside from parting conversation during gatherings to speak on it. She only knew what she's heard -- which was information overload -- and what she's seen herself between Merlin and Arthur's interactions over the years at Pendragon functions. She didn't need to be told that Arthur was in love with Merlin. It was obvious even back then. Nevertheless, she worked that into the treatment -- and in all fairness to Arthur in his decision, and based on a doctor's standpoint -- Merlin had just relived a hell of a lot of traumatic experiences. There was a good chance that he hadn't come to grips with a lot of his feelings and was just trying to hold on for dear life for some normalcy. Which would have been normal in his situation. Holding on to his safety net -- his comfort zone -- and not wanting to let it go. There was a good chance that Merlin didn't love Arthur as much as he claimed that he did, or that he was compensating. There was also a good chance that Merlin didn't even realize that he was doing this himself. That he didn't want to lose Arthur so he said what was needed to be said to keep him. There was no gaurantee that Merlin would feel the same way in a month or six from now. He still had to get in touch with all of those emotions that he tried to keep at bay for all of these years.

 

There was every bit of a chance that Arthur's love would still be there, even after his recovery process. In fact she was sure of it. Because Arthur loved Merlin for all of this time, even before his depression. And it wasn't like she was trying to strip Arthur of his feelings. That was never her objective. Her objective was to get Arthur better. To help him deal with his depression, eating disorder, and dependency/identity issues. Arthur's _feelings_ were his own. Arthur's feelings would more than likely be there unless he chose for it not to be. Or if he gradually fell out of love with Merlin or saw that they were unsuitable for each other. But where Merlin was concerned. If Merlin changed his mind on his feelings after Arthur gave into his... The outcome could/would be devastating for Arthur. And if it were done now, or if Arthur had decided to give in to his feelings during his and Merlin's month together...there would have been a good chance that Arthur wouldn't have been able to bouce back from it. That he wouldn't want to.

 

Merlin, needed time to recover too, which she didn't think he considered when trying to fight for Arthur. There was a lot of things that he probably hadn't even processed yet. She couldn't/wouldn't base Arthur's treatment on that. It would be unfair to him. To do so on a hypothetical, a possibility, or on a maybe. Especially while Merlin was in psychotherapy himself and all so suddenly gave a declaration of love. Recovery was not the time to be making life-altering decisions that could do more harm than good for all concerned. Who's to say that once Merlin started dating again that he would see Arthur in the same light? His love for Arthur was based on young love then that his mind continued to compensate for. Who's to say that it would apply to them now, as adults? There were several things to take into consideration in that regard and she wasn't going to gamble Arthur's recovery by finding out. Her job was to treat Arthur, not Merlin. And Merlin had his own psychotherapist to help him through his own recovery. She did have to keep Merlin's recovery in mind however, because hurting Merlin was just the same as hurting Arthur. And it was also her job to prepare Arthur for either choice that he would make in the end. And either outcome of Merlin's feelings once Merlin recovered. Morgana was clear on that when she hired her.

 

It didn't necessarily matter to Morgana whether Arthur chose Merlin or not. Though it seemed she rooted more for them before she watched Arthur fall into depression than she did now. But from her concerns shared as friends. If they could be happy at the end. As long as Arthur was healthy and happy. As long as Arthur didn't continue to always place Merlin first even at the detriment of his own health. As long as Merlin didn't allow him to do that, instead of giving him a helping hand by pushing his recovery. As long as Merlin could finally _see_ Arthur. Without ignoring the obvious. As long as he was able to truly love Arthur in return. As long as Merlin would compromise -- like Arthur has -- instead of always protecting himself first and foremost, leaving Arthur hung out to dry. As long as Merlin could see things for what they were and call Arthur on it too when he became an idiot and sacrificed himself again. Well...Nimueh knew that there was more, but after a while of it going on she eventually tuned Morgana out mentally. She knew what Morgana meant. Because Morgana knew that Arthur loved Merlin so much that he would do anything for him. She wanted someone for Arthur who would love him equally. She wanted Arthur to have a _normal_ relationship. Without the dependency and the identity issues to go along with it. Nimueh understood that. And Morgana never attempted to interfere in Arthur's treatment direction. Not once. She didn't even provide suggestions. Not that Nimueh would have accepted it once Arthur became her patient but the fact remained, she didn't. She didn't even try to persuade it for Merlin not to be in Arthur's life _at all_. The only thing that she cared about was getting Arthur to where he was before his life became a living hell. She wanted him healthy and happy.

 

And Morgana was right. Even from having a relationship standpoint. Arthur's never even allowed himself to have a romantic relationship over the past seven years. All because he wanted to leave himself open for Merlin. And whether Arthur chose to be with Merlin or not, he was considerably less experienced as he focused about 95% of his seven years in hopes that Merlin would see him and want him too. Only dating when heavily encouraged. And Nimueh meant -- heavily -- encouraged from what she's heard. In attempts to try to move on from Merlin. It never worked of course. Arthur's love for Merlin was unfathomable. But at least there was an attempt to try on record. And _more_ than once. At least Arthur saw his situation in waiting indeed hopeless at times, making the effort to not wallow in despair.

 

This, along with Arthur's dependency and identity issues were one of the reasons the dating was encouraged during his recovery. Because Arthur hadn't been involved in a real relationship for so long. It added to his dependency. What Arthur had before was nothing in comparison to what he should have had at the age of twenty-seven. And since Arthur wasn't involved in a relationship at the time, since Arthur still wasn't, aside from a friendship with Merlin, this was exactly what he needed. And Arthur was/is severely depressed. He needed to join the land of the living again. For _himself_ this time. He may have been living before, but he certainly wasn't living for himself. And any action from Merlin, any more rejection, or even a sudden change in feelings from Merlin in changing his mind of his new found feelings, would have devastated Arthur. Which was why a relationship with Merlin was not encouraged during Arthur's recovery. Arthur's reaction when Merlin attempted to leave the country was proof of how badly Arthur would have been affected. And Merlin didn't even get on that plane. Nimueh didn't even want to _think_ of what would have happened if Arthur wasn't able to stop Merlin from boarding that plane. And not only Arthur, Merlin couldn't have been any better at such an early stage of his recovery attempting to run away from his problems now that he could see it. Switching therapist's so early on was a delicate transition. Nimueh imagined that -- under the circumstances -- Merlin didn't quite think that part out.

 

And of course Arthur didn't share a lot of his feelings about this before now. Because Arthur knew for a fact, that she would have forbidden any time spent with Merlin _while_ he continued treatment. She should have never agreed to those added request. It was in no way beneficial to Arthur's condition or recovery. Because it was proof of how damaging being in Merlin's presence at the moment could be at this stage of Arthur's recovery. It would only add to Arthur's dependency and identity issues too. And even though Merlin was a doctor she doubted very much that Merlin was thinking -- as a doctor -- at the time. Otherwise he would have seen how damaging his requests would have been to Arthur too. He would have known that you didn't go around altering another doctor's recovery process for a severely depressed patient with suicidal thoughts and an eating disorder to boot. He would have known it was a dangerous attempt to try.

 

Now that part always made _her_ blood boil. Because Merlin was messing with _her_ then. And not just Arthur. Forget about Morgana's ramblings! She was an expert in her field and she did her best for _all_ of her patients. Pendragon or not. Hell if she cared! Each person was unique in his or her own situation. She called Arthur's treatment correctly and catered it to _fit_ him. And here she had Merlin convincing her severely dependent patient to agree to his requests to change his recovery. Against what Arthur actually _needed_ in his condition. It was her job to get Arthur better. Any reflection of him not improving or regressing would reflect badly on her as it would delay Arthur's recovery process. Something she had to fight through all along since Arthur denied the help for so long and then he delayed it, to help Merlin first -- by dedicating some small amounts of time to see Merlin -- through his recovery. She partly understood that. It was normal to do for a friend. What she _didn't_ understand was the interference in Arthur's treatments itself. When it was obvious how badly Arthur needed it. She didn't think anyone would be in disagreement with how badly Arthur needed the treatment and support. She didn't need anyone interfering with that. If Morgana didn't interfere than neither should Merlin! And _if_ Merlin had questions, on her diagnosis, or on Arthur's treatment, then _with_ Arthur's permission he could have questioned her on it. He was not to -- in any way -- attempt to alter Arthur's treatment while Arthur was already being treated, and under her care. Which he had been for the two weeks prior to that request while Arthur was away. As she was an advising therapist along with the therapist at the resort for Arthur's entire stay. The action was unprofessional and downright unethical. She would continue to treat Arthur the same, and she would continue to be unbiased of Merlin. But she couldn't deny that she was offended by Merlin's actions in all of this on a professional level.

 

And as Nimueh considered the matter. She swallowed her pride. If Merlin _was_ thinking with his head -- as a doctor -- he _would have_ considered the fact that heavily involving himself with Arthur -- someone who was severely depressed and heavily dependent with identity issues -- by demanding more time and requesting dates, was like leading an alcoholic to a bar with all the drinks on the counter unguarded -- with a sign saying all drinks are free -- and saying have at it. It. Was. In. No. Way. Beneficial to Arthur's recovery. And no sudden declaration of love after seven years to someone who had already fallen into a severe depression would have been enough to change that. It could help. But it would not solve the problem.

 

Dating would still be part of the solution. Arthur needed to know what it was like to be in a real relationship. Where choices and feelings weren't one-sided. Arthur needed to know what that experience felt like. Considering he'd gone without it for seven years and still accepted it all as if it was a natural thing to do instead of moving on or doing something about it. And considering the fact that he might still have to go without it again if Merlin's feelings weren't sincere. If they didn't reunite again. Or if his declaration was out of some need to keep Arthur, some fear of losing him. Arthur needed to know how to have a proper and healthy relationship. He needed to learn how to live a life separate from Merlin. It didn't mean that Arthur couldn't choose Merlin in the end. It meant that he wouldn't have to if that wasn't his choice. It meant that he didn't have to feel the need to because he couldn't live apart from Merlin anymore. Something apparently, Arthur did have a problem with, considering the fact that he tortured himself for the past seven years by staying in a flat with someone he loved while watching that said someone never consider him as anything more. Considering the fact that Arthur would have continued living that way if he hadn't fallen into depression. It would have been a lonely form of existing considering Merlin would have never been able to reciprocate Arthur's feelings properly. That and the fact that it seemed that Arthur had a severe case of laryngitits when it came down to sharing his romantic feelings for Merlin. His feelings of love that is. Not, everything else. According to all his signs and what Arthur's said. Arthur pretty much gave his heart on a silver platter. He said and did everything that needed to be said and done. It was Merlin's turned off feelings that stopped any progress for anything to go further. Arthur couldn't have accounted for that. Considering there was no way that he could have known. Considering the fact that he'd known Merlin for thirteen years without knowing about his past.

 

Yes, the dating would stay as part of Arthur's recovery. It wasn't like he had to sleep with anyone or anything like that, but he did need to put in real efforts. Not the half-arse efforts he did over the years to appease his friends in saying he was trying to move on without anything resulting from it. He needed to get back out there again. He hadn't lived his life independent from Merlin's in quite some time. He needed to be able to know how to move on if that was his choice and he needed to know how to have a proper relationship, if it wasn't. And considering the fact that his and Merlin's relationship has been one-sided for so long... On a majority of levels with no returned feelings... This was the only way. The dating, the meeting new people, and Arthur moving from his and Merlin's flat.

 

There was no way Merlin and Arthur could have continued to stay under the same roof with Arthur's depression being as severe as it was. (Or while they were both going through their own treatments with their own level of mixed emotions.) With Merlin being the source of Arthur's depression from an unrequited love. With Arthur being as dependent -- along with his lack of identity -- as he was too. She allowed a small amount of time with Merlin in order for it not to be a dramatic -- abrupt -- change for him -- and considering Merlin's condition, for him too. Because she had to face it. If any action was damaging to Merlin's recovery, it would have also been damaging to Arthur's, because he would have wanted to spend more time with Merlin. Arthur would have placed himself even further on the backburner to do it. And she did not want to condone any additional time such as his dating Merlin or spending such a enormous amout of time with him. That again, was like leading an alcoholic to a bar. It would have only fed on his dependency and identity issues.

 

Arthur's financial responsibility for Merlin came up next. Apparently Arthur had paid for Merlin's treatment. That wasn't anything uncommon. Not entirely. Not when you had the resources and you knew that your friend wasn't rich. It was also something that Arthur would have done for anyone else under the circumstances. He'd helped Vivian and Elyan financially when they continued to go back and forth for treatments when Vivian was ill. He paid for Vivan's hospital bill when she was admitted when she miscarried her's and Elyan's first child. He helped Percival and Freya purchase their first home. Before they managed to have the money from their careers to afford more on their own. He also helped pay for Lance to go back to school for his PHD. To be able to have the qualifications necessary to head up the Human Resources department for Pendragon (it seemed Uther was a stickler for the rules. Even though Lance had the experience for the position). It was the thing that you did for your friends when you knew that they were struggling and you knew that you could be of use. And those were just the things she remembered offhand. But with that information it wasn't uncommon to Nimueh for Arthur to help pay for Merlin's medical schooling and an additional cost for uni. Nor was it uncommon for them to share a flat, all expenses paid while Merlin went through uni and said medical schooling. They were best friends afterall. With that being said. There was _still_ a problem. The problem was in the fact that Merlin and Arthur did not choose to re-evaluate their arrangement once Merlin finished both uni and medical schooling. Neither of them did. They _both_ should have re-evaluated it then. Considering the fact Merlin was well within his means to afford contributing towards the rent and paying for flat expenses along with any expenses of his own. They should have re-evaluated it. They lived in their own peaceful existences. Their own Lalah land. Their own Utopia. Merlin, not deciding on his own not to stop leeching off of Arthur by continuing to accept Arthur's goodwill so freely. And Arthur, continuing to take care of Merlin like it was necessary to do so. They lived on like that. Like mentioning anything now -- _changing anything_ \-- after so long, would have put a rift between them.

 

It didn't seem to matter by then though. There wouldn't have been any changes suggested on Arthur's part. Not when Arthur was already arse over tits in love with Merlin way _before_ he finished medical school. He wouldn't have seen anything wrong with continuing to take care of Merlin. And if Merlin didn't see anything wrong about him continuing to take Arthur's money -- without giving anything in return -- they would have both settled into their roles. It was exactly what happened too. Which is _when_ it became uncommon to do so.

 

Nimueh did do some researching though. She did speak with Gaius as well. Along with Merlin and Arthur's friends. She didn't want Arthur's treatment to harm Merlin's recovery either if that was Arthur's concern. And Merlin regressing would have definitely caused Arthur's recovery to regress too. Probably to the point of Arthur dropping his own recovery completely in favor of being there for Merlin. He already started. Giving in to a few things while adding all of Merlin's conditions was definitely not about Arthur thinking for himself or for his own recovery. But from what she learned. The distance would have been just as good for Merlin as it would have been for Arthur. She was surprised it wasn't encouraged as part of Merlin's own therapy. Not that she would question it. She would only question it if it would cause harm to the patient. If it didn't follow procedures to do so.

 

She understood that Merlin was probably acting out on some codependency issues himself. Which was adding to Arthur's dependency of him. Howbeit a different kind. She understood that Merlin's dependency issues were more attached to his fear. His fear of losing Arthur. (It wasn't during the seven years though. Considering he did everything else and lived quite a normal life. He dated. A lot. And he was generally happy with the life that he had and the walls he constructed. He didn't even see a problem in his own behavior. Most of it being so close to his own personality. He accepted Arthur's help financially however. They were best friends. That part of their relationship wouldn't have sparked dependency as a condition. And there were no other visible signs to show anything else for it.) Which was the reason why he blocked off his feelings for Arthur in the first place. His fear would have made him to clingy to Arthur over the past month that they were together -- once he realized his romantic feelings again -- and realized he was at risk of losing Arthur permanently. His fear would have drove him to do anything, to say anything, truth or lie, for him to keep Arthur. He would have done or said anything. Except for -- him agreeing to Arthur's dating, because he would have connected that to himself, instead of Arthur's recovery and what Arthur needed for his own health -- even though they weren't dating at the time themselves. (It was the one thing that she couldn't take away from Arthur's recovery in favor of making Merlin feel better, along with Arthur moving out. It was crucial to it, so she couldn't take Merlin into consideration fully there. Arthur was her patient to treat. And she was working on the solution to Arthur's problems and not attempting to place a bandaid on it.) But once Merlin confronted that fear of losing Arthur, his dependency issues would more likely go away more or less too. Over time. And without any treatment aside from his psychotherapy sessions. Since it revolved around his fear of losing Arthur. And if he truly loved Arthur, those feelings of love would remain the same. Which obviously hadn't happened over the month he and Arthur shared together. Given the fact that the two cleaved to each other without letting the other go. It wouldn't have left room for Merlin to have confronted that fear. Until now.

 

Arthur's situation was extremely different from Merlin's though. Merlin closed off his feelings for years while Arthur endured his. Suffered through it. Merlin slid into his role as Arthur's best friend. He didn't want to lose Arthur. But just the same, Merlin could and has lived his life independently from Arthur, and for quite some time. Even with them sharing a flat. And his every decision was _not_ based on Arthur's wants and needs. Merlin placed himself first for the most part. He had and has had, total control over his own life. Making his choices as he saw fit. As proven in his going against Arthur's needs for recovery in favor of doing what he wanted in his attempt to keep Arthur. That example was definitely not an example of placing Arthur's wants or needs first. Or caring to hear them. And that was only one example. She heard enough about the dynamic between Merlin and Arthur's relationship to understand that. And it was not only from Morgana.

 

Arthur however, did _not_ live a life independently from Merlin. And his decisions were based on Merlin's every want and need. Something else she heard more than enough of to understand. And if she had to look closer she needn't go any further than Arthur. His every decision has beenwith Merlin in mind. His recovery -- after seeing Merlin's pain -- after hearing Merlin requests, was altered with Merlin in mind. And with Merlin's needs, wants, and thoughts always being placed first...that relinquished any control that Arthur had on his own because it was freely being given to Merlin. Merlin held all of the cards in their relationship. And had all of the control. Arthur paying for Merlin did not give him control as he was still doing it to cater to Merlin. To give him what he wanted. What he needed. Without receiving anything in return. It was all for Merlin. Which made Arthur's dependency more severe. With the possibility of it becoming _unstable_. His dependency _needed_ treatment. Before it turned into something else more on the lines of an obsessive love. Arthur wasn't at that stage, yet -- thank the gods -- but he would have been well on his way if he continued down his path -- even if he accepted Merlin's love for him -- if he failed to accept treatment first. Arthur's dependency of Merlin only increased over time. His being different -- again -- from Merlin's because Arthur's dependency was also attached heavily to his love for Merlin. Instead of a fear that could go away once faced with it. And Arthur's identity slowly molded into what Merlin would think and what Merlin would want. That was mainly done in his effort to find the right signs for Merlin to see his love. By studying Merlin so well. By getting to know all parts of Merlin to know how to cater to him, to show his love. And as a result. In combination with his love for Merlin. It made him always think of Merlin first. It made him always place Merlin first in his life. On all fronts. Even if placing Merlin first would have done himself harm, Arthur did it anyway. Because he loved Merlin so much. The separation. The dating. The meeting new people. Was Arthur's only solution to improve again on that front.

 

Since she learned that Arthur was manipulating his sessions to appear as though he was improving. In an effort to keep Merlin as part of his recovery. To continue to adhere to Merlin's wishes. For Merlin, and even for himself as it fed into his own dependency issues -- and love for Merlin -- she had to treat Arthur for his depression all over again as well. It wasn't uncommon to have a relapse. It was actually quite common. However this relapse could have been easily avoided if, _everyone_ stuck to her original recovery process, _without_ interference. And if, everyone was _totally_ honest with her. Her success rate wasn't 98.99% for nothing! The trip to New York, the sixth months, will actually become a godsend to Arthur. He will see the benefits from it. It will help Arthur more than he will ever know as long as he really wanted to get the help. As long as he was doing it for himself, and _not_ for Morgana, Uther, or Merlin.

 

The reason for Uther was self-explanatory in Nimueh's mind so she didn't focus on that. She would work with Arthur to overcome those feelings. The major problem came from Morgana and Merlin. And though Merlin and Arthur may have broken up, Nimueh saw Arthur's reasons, which meant there was every bit of a chance that they would reconcile. If that did happen, Arthur needed to be prepared for when these things happened again. If it happened again. And since it's happened for the past month and Arthur's been in the middle of it...she had to work through it all, to ensure there was no lasting damage. Which meant she had to think about everything too. It wasn't very difficult to do.

 

Nimueh's first thought was the fact that Arthur does have severe dependent issues. It would be all too easy for those issues to transfer from Merlin to Morgana during the crucial stages of Arthur's recovery. Morgana was the only one who noticed Arthur's condition for what it was in the beginning. She was the one who showed Arthur love and gave him comfort. She's been the only person that Arthur's been able to confide in fully in all of this. The only person that he's felt support from throughout his ordeal, aside from their friends. She's been his sound rock during the times that Arthur felt like he was at his end. She was his anchor. His strength. It would be all too easy. Something Nimueh was watching closely for from the beginning to prevent. Arthur didn't need to become _completely_ dependent on _anyone_. Arthur needed to want this for himself. He would not get better in the long run if he was constantly putting Merlin or anyone else first. That would only leave him open and vulnerable to be taken advantage of. And not everyone in life will be looking out for Arthur's best interest. Arthur had to want to get better for himself. Not for Morgana, not for Merlin, not to hurry up to get better _before_ his father found out, and not out of fear of being locked up in an institution. It was proven fact among anyone who had any dependency or addiction problems. You had to want it for yourself, and not anyone or anything else.

 

There were also problems between Morgana and Merlin too. With the fact that both Morgana and Merlin saw the other as obstacles. It would have been so much better if everyone wasn't blaming everyone. If everyone put their own personal feelings aside at the moment to think about what was more important. Arthur's recovery. Just like Arthur focused on Merlin's and made everyone pull together for support. There was a reason for that, and Arthur understood it. It was a crucial time in Merlin's life. Somehow it was forgotten that it was a crucial time in Arthur's life too. Somehow Arthur forgot that as well. She knew that Merlin had a support system between Will, Mithian, Sophia, and Arthur before Arthur left for New York. She also knew that Merlin only talked about his condition and traumatic experiences that he was supposed to continue to process for his recovery at home with Arthur. She knew that Merlin was still protecting himself. Still defending himself. And choosing not talk about his traumatic experiences from his past. The only thing Merlin was talking about with everyone was about Arthur and that wasn't all very positive. He spoke of being with Arthur. He continued to speak out against Arthur's recovery process and against Morgana. She knew that he spoke out against Arthur's recovery process because he didn't want Arthur to have to date and he didn't want to be separated from Arthur. She also knew that there was nothing said about Arthur needing the help until it was brought to Merlin's attention. And that it was ignored. Unless he was constantly reminded of it. And since it was repeated like it was on rewind, Nimueh assumed that Merlin couldn't possibly understand how severe Arthur's situation was, because the dating and the time apart would be the last thing to be focused on in discussion if he had.

 

The same repeat of discussion was done with the rest of their friends too. They wanted what was best for both Merlin and Arthur. They had no problem sharing if it meant they were going to get better. They knew that Merlin was getting better, but everyone knew that Arthur was going to have a hard time when he placed his recovery on hold. The recoveries were what was most important to the friends. They wanted everyone to get better. They had the right focus. Anything else was irrelevant until both parties were better to make true decisions for themselves. They'd also saw Arthur go through his worse too. Several times. They did not want to see a repeat of that.

 

So it wasn't that Merlin didn't have support while Arthur was at the resort, or when he returned. He may not have had everyone but he did have enough. It wasn't that Merlin didn't have anyone to confide in. He didn't utilize his support properly. They were there, they took shifts, _daily_ , and waited to support him. You can only lead a horse to water, but you can't force them to drink it. Which led her to believe that the only support Merlin was really looking for was from Arthur. Hence, his pushing for the additional time. She knew this because she did her research. She wanted to make sure that Arthur's actions weren't solely based on his dependency issues. It wasn't. It was based on Arthur knowing Merlin, his love for Merlin, and his want for Merlin to get better. The dependency issues and his savior-complex because of his aunt kicked in when he placed Merlin recovery first, above his own, putting his own recovery to the side. Something that was much needed. Something that was much needed way before Merlin needed psychotherapy.

 

Their situations were completely different because of the issues that prompted their conditions but the fact remained the same, Arthur was a severely depressed man. And he was way before Merlin discovered his feelings and opened up the blocked walls of his mind. The fact remains that he's still severely depressed. And the stress was not good for Arthur's condition. Nimueh was sure that there was blame to go around but it wasn't the time for Arthur to hear about it. From Merliin or from Morgana. He blamed himself for enough, he did not need to feel like he was causing problems between them too. Considering the fact that he loved both his sister and Merlin dearly. He wouldn't be able to choose, and he shouldn't have to. And yet, neither of the two were budging in the negativity rants about the other.

 

Morgana was going to have to let go of the negative comments Merlin continued to speak out against her since day one. She also had to put aside Merlin's actions in trying to change Arthur's recovery process, Merlin's negative comments against Arthur's recovery, and the things of the past. It would be Arthur's choice in the end if he wanted to have a relationship like that. No one else could make that choice for him once he recovered. Merlin was going to have to face the fact that if it weren't for Morgana, Arthur wouldn't have gotten the help that he needed in the first place. He missed it. It wasn't something he needed to be told of, it was obvious. He had plenty of time to notice -- years -- and he didn't. We like to make excuses to justify rhyme and reasons for things but at the end of the day we have to be honest with ourselves, and the truth be told... Being told things can only run but so far. Merlin knows this as a doctor. Whether he wants to admit to it or not. Patients don't tell you everything. You have to be able to pick up on the signs. You have to know where to look. Eventually -- you have to notice some things too. You can't blame everyone else for your own negligence when you fail to do so. That can make the difference in saving someones life.

 

And someone severely depressed is less likely to share what is going on inside of them. It's their only form of control where they feel like they don't have any. Where they feel as though though walls have been constructed with no doors, leaving any and all exits closed off from them, leaving signs and signals as the only forms of communication available to use. And their own cries for help. Arthur didn't tell Morgana -- even with their agreement -- she figured it out. Arthur denied it but Morgana pushed anyway. Who knows how much longer Arthur was depressed for _before_ Morgana discovered it? Arthur wasn't telling it. Merlin was going to have to get over the fact that he wasn't there and he missed it. Someone had to intervene and who else if not Arthur's own sister? He couldn't blame Morgana for that. He was going to have to face the fact that Arthur could have very well have given into his suicidal thoughts if he stayed at their flat. Arthur's drastic weight loss and depression showed proof of that. It was why no one agreed when Merlin spoke out against Arthur's recovery and Morgana's interference. Morgana had no choice _but_ to interfere. They saw what Merlin didn't allow himself to see. It wasn't out of lack of support for Merlin. It was because they saw what Merlin was missing. They saw more as they were the ones who was actively and consciously present through it all. Motives, being strictly for everyone to get better. Leaving the pieces to be picked up afterward and not before. They were even rooting for Merlin and Arthur to be together. But they knew that the two wouldn't be happy if other things weren't resolved first. Could everyone had handled it differently. Nimueh could see somethings that could have been handled differently. But there wouldn't have been another way to unlock Merlin's emotions again unless Arthur left.

 

Both Morgana and Merlin needed to face the fact that Arthur was -- is -- severely depressed, has an eating disorder, and has dependency and identity issues. Morgana being the only one who heard the cries. Merlin needed to see that. He also needed to see that that was not someone who was trying to hate Merlin, that it was someone who was trying to look after her brother. The negative comments, the lack of concern of Arthur's health, in favor of the negative comments and the stabs against Arthur's recovery process were the things that fueled Morgana to be upset with Merlin. Nimueh never even heard anything spoken too negatively about Merlin until he attacked her at the pub. Before, Morgana was only upset that Arthur was placing his life on hold and Merlin didn't notice the signs. She was concerned that Arthur was depressed. Nothing more. Until Arthur's condition worsened. And then Morgana was still calm once Arthur agreed to the help after his nervous breakdown. Arthur also agreed to seeing her as a therapist too. Both Morgana and Arthur not wanting to deal with another therapist because it would place them at risk of their father finding out. Or the press for that matter. It was also easier as Morgana had consulted with her early on on ways to approach Arthur's condition. Morgana had already confided in Gaius and she was stuck now having to keep him and Hunith informed of Arthur's condition. The less people outside of their circle who knew the better. And she knew Ygraine. They were friends. As she was now friends with Morgana. The siblings understood that she could be trusted. And she could be trusted to treat Arthur properly without being influenced or shaken like others by Morgana. She would take everyone learned into consideration, but she wouldn't allow it to influence Arthur's treatment that was needed for him to recover. Those things came straight from Arthur and what they discussed in their therapy sessions.

 

It was the attack at the pub that started it though. It would have gone differently if there wasn't an attack at all and if Merlin didn't attempt to push aside Arthur's recovery in favor of his and Arthur's relationship. That's what angered Morgana, the thought that Merlin was putting his own feelings first in favor of allowing Arthur to get the help. That he couldn't set those feelings aside for one moment to allow Arthur to get better too. Especially considering the fact that Arthur set his own being aside for Merlin for the past seven years if not longer. She was upset that Merlin was still only thinking of himself. That was the straw that broke the camels back. Because she was there with Arthur from the beginning. She knew for a fact how much he needed the help and she knew how long he was declining to accept it. Merlin didn't and he didn't attempt to find out before he pushed. He placed his own needs first. When Arthur told him that he was sick, that he was a mess, that he needed to go away for help, that he was having a problem eating. And yes, Arthur did speak for himself there. Merlin wasn't listening. Morgana was clear to say that part. Because Arthur told her about that conversation with Merlin -- in detail. He needed to be reassured again that going away for help was the right thing to do. He was going to set getting help aside again in favor of putting his life on hold for Merlin. Morgana convinced him that if it was meant to be it would still be when he returned and that he needed to focus on himself. While Arthur was losing control and seeming to have forgotten, Morgana was fully aware of why Arthur needed to recover and quickly. And that reason was their father. Arthur's suicidal thoughts was a major worry and his severe weight loss was noticeable. Nimueh remembered that specifically. But it wasn't about who did what now.

 

All personal feelings between the two, declarations of love, _everything_ , needed to be set aside in favor of what was important and that was getting Arthur better again. Everything else was inconsequential in their tug of war if Arthur wasn't able to make proper decisions for himself. Or if he fell deeper into depression. As no one would have him anyway then. No one should be pushing Arthur in any direction aside from what he needed to recover. Everyone should be giving support, first and foremost. She couldn't speak for Merlin, he had his own psychotherapist -- and he and Arthur were on hiatus at the moment. Because she didn't quite believe it was over. Seven years of a love that strong. If Merlin's feelings remained from confronting his fear and after he finished recovering. Once she got Arthur better. She didn't see it being very long. Unless he and Merlin decided to end things permanently -- but it went without saying that Merlin needed continued support too. Though it shouldn't have been support of a romantic nature. Not while Merlin was still processing his feelings and coming to terms with things. His feelings about a lot of things was probably sure to change. And from what she understand Merlin's rovolving door dating side was based on coping mechanisms. It would be all too easy for him to slide back into that. It wouldn't benefit him. In which Arthur never utilized dating, in favor of waiting for something that might not ever happened. He needed to date. It was another difference between the two.

 

And it wasn't like she didn't understand Merlin and Morgana either.

 

Morgana, was acting out of protecting her brother, and acting out in retaliation at times from when Merlin attacked her or was constantly saying negative things about her to their friends. Merlin, was acting out partly out of love, and mainly out of not wanting to lose Arthur, due to his fear of losing Arthur. And instead of seeing Arthur's condition as it was he chose to blame Morgana for everything. Because it was easier to do so than to think that Arthur's condition had anything to do with him or him being the source of Arthur's unrequited love that sparked his depression to begin with. So he blamed her instead, from day one. With no valid reason to. And the grudge never went away. Like she planned Arthur's illness and deliberately planned to keep him away from Arthur. And as a result. There was a tug of war between the two. Morgana trying to take care of her brother. Merlin trying to hold on to Arthur while blaming Morgana for interfering. If anything she herself should be the blame, Nimueh thought. It was her decision to set the recovery plan. Or maybe Arthur was the blame for having depression and a nervous breakdown which called for him to be sent away in the first place. Neither was Morgana's decision. How she went about getting Arthur to follow his doctor's orders was. But Nimueh understood that drastic measures seemed to have been in order if Arthur wasn't following his own treatment plan that he himself agreed to after his diagnosis. Morgana's decisions was based on doing what was necessary to help Arthur go through his recovery. Morgana was following the rules set by her, as Arthur's therapist, for Arthur's recovery. And since Arthur didn't have any self-preservation of his own. Since he continued to place Merlin first. She had to stand in between to ensure Arthur did the things that he needed to do. Like eat for instance. Since he was wasn't eating what was needed to gain his weight back properly or to sustain his own health. And it wasn't like Arthur would have agreed to be hospitalized. That would have solved a lot of problems too.

 

The problem. The Merlin and Morgana's back and forth wasn't helping Arthur's situation at all and yet, it was continuing to happen -- even while they were in New York. It's not like Arthur's not going to hear about it. He may have disconnected himself but he still overhears things. Morgana seeing Merlin as someone who had the potential to harm Arthur's recovery, who has hurt Arthur in the past, who was attempting to do things to reverse Arthur's health -- by getting Arthur to alter the rules for his recovery -- for the worse. And Merlin, seeing Morgana as the person who stood in the way of what was his now that he accepted his feelings as love instead of friendship.

 

The difference, one noticed Arthur's health condition while the other one didn't. One understands what was at stake while the other one hasn't accepted it and doesn't know everything that's at stake. And those differences play the key factors in motives between Merlin and Morgana. If Morgana would have stepped aside while Arthur was depressed. Arthur wouldn't have had anyone to turn to and could have given into his suicidal tendencies. If Morgana wasn't already involved to step in during Arthur's breakdown. He could have given in to it then. Again, because he had no one else to turn to. Arthur would have gotten worse. He already was. He lived in his flat for the almost two years in that state slowly dying without anyone noticing it. That was what happened _without_ her involvement. Which was partly the reason why she got involved. Because she didn't see any other solutions coming where Arthur's signs and plans were going to pan out was concerned. And she didn't see anyone else caring about Arthur's condition enough to notice any of his problems. Life was just too busy for everyone else. Except for their friends who would sometimes show concern for Arthur. Noticing differences every now and again of him being withdrawn. Nimueh remembered Morgana's words. But those were the people who didn't live with Arthur. Morgana didn't know anything until she got involved herself. She wouldn't have been informed any other way, because Merlin, who lived with Arthur never noticed anything to actually address it, to tell about, or to speak to Arthur about.

 

The love, Nimueh thought, that maybe something that you needed to be told about if you weren't observant enough or attentive enough to notice the signs. But the depression. The weight loss. You could tell. And if Arthur wasn't wearing any padding. The larger clothes he wore couldn't take away from the fact that Arthur had lost an extreme amount of weight. (She was surprised that Uther didn't notice it. They must have had to do a lot of dodging -- wearing a lot of extra padding -- while making excuses for him.) It would have been noticeable at their flat if Arthur wasn't sleeping, wasn't eating, was withdrawn, stopped going out, had no social life, and was severely depressed. One could not hold the symptoms in for but so long with someone that they spent the most time with without, them not finding out. That meant those symptoms were ignored or somehow unnoticed. Which makes it understandable why Morgana would step in. Who's to say something else couldn't have been ignored or unnoticed? It wasn't like Merlin noticed anything was wrong. And now that he does know he still hasn't noticed anything if he was still pushing. He couldn't have possibly have noticed how severe Arthur's condition was, otherwise one would have to question if he cared at all if he was still pushing against Arthur's recovery instead of being in favor of it. And because Merlin had to have some feelings for Arthur, Nimueh was left to assume the former, that Merlin failed to notice, and not that he failed to care.

 

She learned something else about the siblings too. That they had some plans in place if either of them fell into depression. They didn't disclose everything but they disclosed enough for her to fill in some of the blanks. She learned that Morgana's intervention was agreed upon from youth. Since the time they learned of their aunt's death. That they would have done the same if Morgana was suffering from depression. Except for the fact that Morgana's situation wouldn't have been like Arthur's. She wasn't pining for someone who didn't love her back for seven years. Nevertheless, she understood that Arthur would have watched over Morgana the same. But slightly less overbearing as Arthur's condition scared Morgana into action. Though it may not have been necessary where Gwaine was concerned. Gwaine actually paid heavy attention to Morgana, questioned when he noticed things, and saw when things were bothering her. Not to mention the fact that he was her husband. They may have been able to work around it without Arthur heavily interfering. Just as Morgana would have intervened less herself if Arthur had someone who showed that same amount of care and support for him as he succumbed into his depression. Instead of having to forcefully get involved when Arthur finally lost whatever control he had to protest any further. When his heart finally broke to the point beyond a quick repair. Where he'd lost entirely too much weight and his depression was at it's worse. It was a shared decision between Morgana and Arthur for Morgana to help him through his depression. Arthur allowed the help (which was why he never could get too angry with Morgana for her interference. As it would only be to get him better). As it was agreed upon. Once the other lost control. To protect them from falling into a similar situation that their aunt was placed in. And to protect the other from their father taking over guardianship. To protect the other from being institutionalized. Those were the things Morgana's actions were based on. It was quite a remarkable plan that they made to protect themselves. Done at such an early age. Checks and balances placed ahead of time to ensure as much as possible that their father would never find out. Nimueh wouldn't even be surprised if they had a plan to assume guardianship first for each other, before Uther would, to prevent a repeat of history. She wouldn't put it pass them.

 

From the outside world it only looked like Morgana was helping her brother get better while being slightly overbearing. It wasn't even something that needed to be explained to anyone close to them as Arthur's failing health spoke volumes for itself. It could all be kept a secret until they were willing to share it. If they ever were.

 

If Merlin and Arthur's situation were different. Nimueh assumed that Arthur would have told Merlin about that part of his past. Since the thoughts of his aunt and being institutionalized were coming to the surface a little more. Not before though, there wasn't a reason to as it held no relevance. Even though she saw clearly why it should be something kept secret. Only shared with someone who actually would protect that secret. Not anyone at risk to disclose it. The Pendragon name was well respected. It held a lot of clout. It was Arthur and Morgana's legacy at stake as well. It couldn't be shared with someone who could hurt that. It would be something to be shared with a spouse, and only if the subject matter was affecting it. It wouldn't be something to share in a casual relationship when you weren't completely sure that the feelings involved were sincere or if a commitment hadn't been made. Furthermore, it wasn't something that affected Arthur after he got past the initial shock of his aunt until he fell into depression himself. He already suffered through nearly two years of depression. Telling Merlin after one month of his declaring his love out of seven years of not, would definitely prove that Arthur would be hesitant in relinquishing that information. No one could fault him this. Or judge him on it. It would be unfair to do so. Considering the fact that Merlin kept his past abuse a secret. Something that could have changed everything between them for _thirteen_ years of his and Arthur's relationship. For both Merlin and Arthur. And it wasn't like Merlin forgot about his past. He _chose_ not to talk about it. What he blocked were the feelings and emotions surrounding what he felt about it. It affected how Merlin lived his life and it affected his relationship with Arthur. She understood Merlin's reasons why he kept that secret. They were valid. But hurtful all the same. To himself as well. But knowing the Pendragon family, it's power, it's standing, she could definitely understand Arthur's reasons for keeping his secret as well. Considering Arthur's secret was not solely his own to share -- like it was in Merlin's case -- but something of his family that was meant to be kept, and never to be revealed. Something that not even the great Uther Pendragon knew that his kids were aware of. She only forced it herself because it was critical to Arthur's treatment. She needed to know all of the facts. And not part. And she had to re-evaluate it with everything that was discussed previously. From the beginning until now.

 

Now that she had everything that was kept from her, now that Arthur was being honest about the things that was still bothering him, she was more than confident that she could help Arthur to recover fully. They were in a new city, without outside influences and everything in Arthur's favor. If Arthur wanted to get better for himself, he would.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

Over the next month Arthur did begin to see changes in himself. He was only ten pounds underweight now, his head was clearer, and he was trying to make an effort at getting better. A real effort. The talks with Nimueh weren't easy. Therapy never was. But it made a difference that Nimueh did know the truth now. It made it easier for her to know what to address, what to pinpoint, which in turn, made therapy _easier_ for him.

 

“Do you think we can trust her?” Arthur asked Morgana, they were at the Penthouse, away from the office for lunch, instead of going out. Morgana had made turkey, ham, and cheese sandwiches for them both with tea.

 

Morgana nodded. “I think so. She was a friend of mum's, Morgause raves about her from her bout with depression some years back, and she is a friend.”

 

Arthur raised a brow. “I'm not talking about her connections, or her treatment, do you think we can _trust_ her?”

 

Morgana raised a brow too. “I _know_ what you meant, Arthur. Of course we can trust her to keep our secret. And it's a little too late now to second guess our judgment now is it? It's not like we can take it back. And if it meant that us having to tell our secret to one person was going to make you get better. One person, who is sworn under doctor/patient confidentiality. Than that is a risk that I'm willing to take, aren't you?”

 

Arthur nodded in agreement. He was going to speak but Morgana didn't continue.

 

“Not to mention the fact that if she blabbed she would be covered in lawsuits until she reached the age of a hundred. No one would believe her. And father covered his tracks fully. We wouldn't have known if we didn't catch a few lucky breaks and if we didn't overhear those conversations between Gaius and father. Conversations we were never supposed to have overheard. We could deny it all.” Morgana replied, before taking a bite out of her sandwich.

 

She sounded just like their father. Arthur had no doubt that Morgana could make good on those words. But if she had to. She would be doing it for him. For their family. For their father. And out of memory of their aunt.

 

“Have you ever thought about telling Gwaine?” Arthur asked suddenly. He'd been thinking about it lately. It was a good feeling telling Nimueh. Cleansing. Even though he was scared shitless at first thinking she would betray them. He didn't think anyone would understand, and he knew there was definitely a lot of dark clouds and legality issues that surrounded that secret, but he couldn't help but think. Maybe things could have been different if they had someone to confide in aside from each other about it.

 

Morgana stilled in her seat. She placed her sandwich back on her plate. Chewing thoughtfully. “I wouldn't have shared it if it weren't agreed upon between the both of us.” She flicked her right forefinger between them both to signify the importance of what she meant. “That has been and will _always_ be our deal, yeah?” She waited for Arthur to give a nod in understanding. He did. There was too much at stake to not be their deal. “With that being said I haven't spoken with Gwaine about it but I have _thought_ about it. Of course I would. He's my husband. I trust him completely. I wouldn't have considered however if we weren't married.” She said with a raised brow at Arthur, almost to answer his unasked question. “It's too big of a secret to just come out and say. If it were just about me and _solely_ about me, _without_ a pact between us, I would have definitely told Gwaine by now. Without a second thought. But that's not the case is it?--”

 

Arthur shook his head in agreement. Because that was true.

 

“--The past few years have been difficult for me to keep that secret from Gwaine. I've had to lie to him about our reasons for not wanting father to find out. I hate doing that. I have no explanations aside from wanting you healthy and happy, of you not wanting to be locked away in the Pendragon mansion, along with our father not finding out to justify my worry over your situation. To justify things like moving you next to me or thinking about building another story on our flat. Gwaine nearly took my head off in defense of you on that one.” Morgana said incredulously.

 

Arthur had the good grace to look guilty. However it didn't stop his retort. “No one told you to move me across town or to build up on your flat.”

 

Morgana gave Arthur a look of disbelief. “Excuse me, that's what we agreed upon--”

 

“When either of us were at our worse as a replacement of being instit--”

 

“You were on the verge--”

 

“I wasn't that far gone yet--”

 

“Excuse me for misinterpreting the SOS!--” Morgana took a deep breath. “And you were _far_ gone; you lost _control_ , you had a nervous breakdown, you've been severely depressed for all of this time, and you stopped eating the amount of food that was meant to sustain you to be healthy. You stopped _caring_ about yourself, Arthur. The only thing that you cared about was someone who had shown no care for you.”

 

Arthur was getting tired of hearing that. “I know that you two hate each other--”

 

Morgana eyes widened. “I do not _hate_ , Merlin. I never have. I took him into our home just like you did all those years back. I stood up to our father too. And to anyone who said anything negative about Merlin at those functions too. I was there for Merlin. Even through Merlin's own selfish tendencies over the years. It's nothing new that he's always placed himself first. And that was acceptable at times, we have so many friends with different personalities that it was fine having one who was self-absorbed. Because he was still Merlin and we loved him anyway. There were times that stood out however. When he didn't show for Vivian and Elyan during their miscarriage. When he failed to show for when Lance had his motorcycle accident before Gwen banned him from riding the damn things. And when Gwaine had to have his appendix removed. Merlin wasn't there for any of it. And he never really apologized for it either. Like the lot apologized to him for not being there for him during his time of need. We _accepted_ Merlin as is. We babied him. It's your fault we did it. You always watched out for Merlin. So we naturally did it too. We would have done it anyway but we did it more because of you. We should have called him on his shit then as a friend because he didn't show care for his friends if he couldn't be there during his own friends' worse times. But we forgave him anyway. And we carried on. Because that's what friends are for. We've all made mistakes. None of us are perfect.

 

But then there was you. We thought he would show concern for you because he just gave such a big declaration of love to you. That there would be some care. But what does he do, when we meet at the pub, for him -- mind, after you've gone away? He doesn't ask about how you are doing. He doesn't ask details about your condition. He doesn't ask how you are holding up. No, the first thing he does is accuse me of taking you away, from _him_. Like you are not _my_ brother. And then I tried to let it pass, but he continued to push.” Morgana shook her head. “I let him have it. I didn't baby him on that one, he didn't get a pass, because he was ignoring everything about your need for going away, the fact that you had a nervous breakdown, the fact that you were severely underweight, the fact that you explained your condition and your need to leave anyway in favor of how it all applied to him. In favor of blaming me for it like I got you the depressed in the first place. Like he would rather that I left you alone to suffer some more in silence. There was no remorse from Merlin, no compassion, _nothing_. That only thing he cared about was how it applied to him. What I did to him by taking you away, and not what you needed and why you were going away in the first place.”

 

She shook her head. “And then I tried it again. Gave it some days space. And went over there to apologize. He didn't accept my apology. Even though technically it was him who owed me one. But I did it for Gwaine. Otherwise I would have never heard an end to it. The point. Even _days_ later he still didn't show genuine care or concern for your condition. And it's not like I didn't know he was going through his own things. I took that into consideration. It was the fact that he was treating you like you weren't going through your own things too. And he failed to take that into consideration.

 

And then, when you returned. There still wasn't any concern for your condition. There still wasn't any compassion or care. All neglected in favor of him pushing you to date him and for having more time with you since you had to move away following your recovery process. All in favor of having a way to keep you. Instead of it being in favor of getting you well. It didn't change. Weeks later. It was the same selfish tendencies that showed right through all over again because we were supposed to follow your recovery process, to support you, and no one was to attempt to alter it. No one was to attempt to change it to fit their own needs. What does our own needs have to do with getting you better? He expected you just to move on with him like nothing happened over the past seven years, like you weren't falling apart now, all at his say so. Now that he claimed to love you too. And he was doing it all while ignoring what you needed for your own health in the process to accomplish it. So excuse me if I wasn't a bad sister who would let my severely depressed and dependent brother who continued to place Merlin's needs first above his own fall into that trap. Excuse me if I didn't step aside only for our father to come along to scoop you up and take you away. Merlin wouldn't have had a chance to see you again period then. At least I wasn't pushing you about the time being spent with Merlin, unless it was in abundance. I was pushing you about it being too soon. I was pushing about the lake-house not being a good idea. And I was upset about you allowing Merlin -- who was not a highly respected certified _therapist._ Who was in psychotherapy dealing with past traumatic experiences and feelings for you too -- change your doctors orders that were strictly put in place to get you better and preferably, before our _father_ found out. Since you seemed to have lost all your wits about you to think about that in your efforts of putting Merlin first -- sacrificing yourself for his recovery, placing his wants not needs first -- and listening to him until you heard the clock strike twelve and realized your time was running out! While I've been fighting ahead of you all along to delay it from happening while trying to get you better. So excuse me, for wanting my brother healthy and happy again. And excuse me if Merlin's actions in convincing you to alter your doctors orders, along with his previous responses in conversation, betrayed his declaration of love enough to make it be question it in my mind.

 

And none of his accusations stopped. It still hasn't. Months later. Every time Merlin is around anyone he continues to accuse me of taking you away from him. Like I was the doctor who prescribed the recovery process instead of the sister who encouraged it in favor of not having to watch her brother fall apart again. And the kicker, he would continue to accuse me yet he would still somehow forget to care about your condition. It sounded extremely possessive that all he cared about what the fact that you were his. Like some favorite toy that you kept away for safekeeping. Him blaming me for running some covert operation to sneak into the warehouse or something to steal it. To keep it out of his reach.” Morgana slammed her hand on the kitchen table making Arthur flinch. “Again, I never said that you couldn't spend time together. I thought you going to visit him on your first night back was a bad idea. I thought you going away to the lake-house was a bad idea. I thought you spending too much time together was a bad idea. I was right. It was. You weren't ready for it.

 

My concern is not for Merlin first and foremost right now, my concern is for you. I followed your way, waited for your signs, your obvious signs -- mind, your words that said everything except that you loved him which we have established was more than enough if Merlin hadn't blocked off his feelings for you. Considering the fact that he jumped to others for far less. We also established the fact that you telling Merlin you loved him wouldn't have made a difference anyway because he wouldn't have returned his love for you unless it was triggered. You would have been hurt anyway. It was just a matter of when and how, as Merlin constructed his feelings around you to protect himself first and foremost somehow managing to block himself off from seeing any of your advances. You would have broken up. Merlin's told you as much himself. He would have treated you like he treated all of his other blokes over the years and you wouldn't have been happy. You would have left him, he would have dumped you, or you would have suffered in silence. Basically, what's happened would have been an inevitable to have happened anyway. You were in a lose lose situation. Your only crime: Merlin had feelings for you first. And blocked it off. You didn't know about Merlin's past history of abuse. You had no way to defend yourself against someone who built a fort knox to defend himself. To protect himself. To always put themselves first.

 

I followed your lead, unbeknownst to myself of Merlin's condition; I continued to press, telling you to tell Merlin your feelings, to move out, or to get Merlin to move out. I'm sure I sounded like a broken record. And the entire lot was pressing you to do the same. You only had three choices all along. We understood why you didn't want to tell Merlin since he didn't show any feelings for you and he was always involved in a relationship. Not to mention he didn't notice any signs that you were ill. We checked, we dropped massive hints too, several times. We wanted an opening to tell him but we had to stick to our word if there wasn't any. Merlin never picked up on anything involving you. So we kept your secret. It didn't stop any of us from telling you that you were an idiot for not doing one of those three things, choosing instead to wait to see if your feelings for Merlin would ever be returned.

 

You should have done something. I've told you that from day one. I never stopped. I told you to tell him, to move out, or to kick Merlin out. I've told you to stop placing Merlin's needs before your own. I've told you this time and time again. Because placing Merlin's needs before your own was hurting you. And it was. You fell deeper into depression because you made a plan to have Merlin see your feelings for you without forcing him to make a choice. Giving him an easy way out to say no, to save face for your friendship. Because placing Merlin's needs first placed your own recovery at risk. As everything that he asked you to do, which he had knowledge of, went completely against your own recovery. It would delay it or stop it, but it certainly wouldn't have helped it. You went along with it. You placed Merlin's needs first, in spite of your own health. Yes, your dependency issues had a big part to play in that because those requests only fed into that, but it still placed his needs first. Everyone could see that. We all love Merlin but we knew those requests were wrong, and not done for your benefit but solely for Merlin's own. He didn't want to give you the time on your own to decide. In fear that you would make the less favorable choice for him. You deserved that time. It was the only thing that you asked for and he couldn't give it to you. He didn't even want for you to date without adding himself to the equation. He's dated for years. He knows he hasn't fallen in love with any of those people. Aside from the one person you two are at odds about. If it wasn't meant for you to fall in love with anyone else you wouldn't have either.

 

So yes you have fault. As we've all told you all along. Several times. Several instances throughout the years. But so does Merlin. We can gloss his faults over in favor of highlighting yours or we can say both because there are definitely faults between the two of you. It's just your faults surround placing Merlin first in your life while Merlin's faults surround placing himself first in his. If you were to stop always placing Merlin first, and if Merlin were to stop always placing himself first, you both would have fallen into what would be considered a well balanced relationship. Instead of the toxic one that you both built all of these years that fed into your depression in the first place. No one blames Merlin for you being in love with him. No one blames Merlin for your depression. We were upset with him for not noticing when your depressing was far gone and for not allowing you the proper time to recover _without_ the pressure of pushing a relationship throughout it. So no, I don't _hate_ Merlin. I don't like how he neglected to see that you needed help. And I don't like that he neglected to see how pushing you would only cause you more harm than good even when everyone told him that it would. That he continued to put himself first in favor of having what he wanted in the end. At the cost of your recovery. I was upset with him for continuing to blame me for doing what was right by helping you. By supporting what was prescribed for you to do for your recovery in favor of allowing him to continue to push against it. If that makes me a bad person than so be it because I would do it all again if it meant that I would have my exuberant and healthy brother back.”

 

Arthur didn't even bother to say anything. He took a sip of his tea. Because when Morgana was on a roll...

 

“And let's not forget. I had _other_ reasons for my sense of urgency. And other reasons for getting upset that Merlin was working against your recovery by his stipulations, delaying it more than what you did by dedicating time to support him throughout all of this. I had to dodge father's questions about you, of your well-being. I've been up against a clock to get you better before he found out. And I had no help from you because you were too busy thinking about Merlin at the time to think about yourself. While you were placing his needs first I was placing _your_ needs first in favor of not seeing you locked up in some institution of father's choice thank you very much. I was placing your needs first in favor of not seeing you fall deeper into depression, in favor of you not giving into your suicidal thoughts of doom and gloom.

 

And while we are throwing blame around I should have been more active in making sure that the rest of the lot was checking in on Merlin while you were away like I promised you that I would. I didn't ask if they were. I never gave them the impression that they shouldn't. And I didn't know that they were just as upset on his attack on me as I was. I didn't realize they were just as worried about me apparently. As your sister. Someone who has seen it all. Who was grieving on her own. I didn't know they saw me that way. As someone else who needed the support in all of this. That I was being compared to as someone who dedicated their time to taking care of their sick relative. That I was being compared to that someone who needed just as much support as I needed to continue to stay strong for that said relative. And in some ways, they were right. I did need support. I was so use to doing it all on my own. Steering the support your way over the years, that I never thought about how it was affecting me. Until Gwaine yelled at me because of it that is.” She chuckled, before shaking her head. “But still, I should have checked. I knew that Will, Mithian, and Sophia was watching Merlin heavily. I knew that he wasn't leaving his flat except for psychotherapy visits, I even knew how he was recovering, but I didn't take the time to pay attention to what everyone _else_ was doing in favor of getting everything set up for you once you returned. And I didn't want you to be concerned about Merlin while you were away. In spite of how upset I was with Merlin, I should have kept my word to you. I'm sorry for that.

 

And maybe, I should have had it out with Merlin. I should have told him off one good time to let everything go, instead of babying him like I always have by not telling him when he was wrong and why. If I had I wouldn't have stewed on the feelings of his resentment towards me and what he's done to you. I wouldn't have been so angry with him and I would have forgiven him by now for everything. Whether he continued to blame me for taking care of you or not. At least I would know that my conscience would be clear over it --” Morgana said while nodding to herself.

 

“-- I keep contemplating what difference it would have made if we broke our vow to you but I keep coming back at square one. Merlin pretty much told you that that would have been a moot point. That it would not have made a difference in his feelings towards you, that your leaving was the trigger, and that you wouldn't have been happy anyway. Why would I want to break a vow only to cause you more pain? I can't regret not telling him your feelings under those circumstances, but we could have at least told him about your depression. We could have made up reasons why if necessary because he was in that flat with you. It could have made some difference. Possibly?” Morgana wasn't so sure. Arthur told Merlin plain as day about his depression before he left for the resort, of his recovery process when he returned, and Merlin still didn't see it in favor of what he wanted. It would have to have been something major for Merlin to have noticed it. “Or maybe he would have been okay with you moving out under those circumstances. You could have moved in with me then, or moved to another flat. To separate yourself and to get better.”

 

“He wouldn't have allowed it without asking why.” Arthur was sure of that. Which is why he didn't want Merlin to know because if Merlin didn't show any romantic feelings for him, no signs at all aside from friendship; how could Arthur tell him that he was in love with him? The signs were the only way to go. Who the hell would have thought that him leaving Merlin would have done anything?!

 

Morgana shrugged. “We could have said you were suffering depression because you were in love with someone _else_.” She tried lamely. She wouldn't have believed that one herself if she were Merlin.

 

Arthur chuckled, obviously picking up on Morgana's thoughts. “He's never _seen_ me with anyone _else_ , Morgana. Not in the past seven years aside from my attempts at casual dating. I never even brought anyone home. He's not stupid. Despite the fact that he can be oblivious and self-absorbed at times. It doesn't mean that he can't _ever_ see anything. He's selective in what he _wants_ to see. Merlin is actually quite intelligent. All he needed was time to piece things together. He would know what the truth was from what it wasn't. If he really wanted to know something.” That stopped Arthur there. Replaying his own words and thinking of his break up speech with Merlin. Praying that that did not apply there. He wanted Merlin to be happy. Not to figure it out. Arthur didn't feel so secure about his plan anymore. Merlin would have saw past the bullshit cutting to the heart of the matter. Arthur groaned inwardly. He was screwed if Merlin figured it out. He would never be able to lie to Merlin again about it. It took everything that he had to give that clean break and he didn't have it in him to fight it anymore. Especially since it wasn't something that he wanted in the first place. He wanted to bang his head on the table. It would only cause alarm to his sister so he restrained himself from the motion.

 

Morgana went on unbeknownst to Arthur's internal dilemma. “You're right. He would have figured it out.” Because Merlin was always really smart. “The only way around it would have been to have told him the truth. Something you made us promise not to do. Which would have brought us back to square one again.”

 

“I think you should tell Gwaine.” Arthur said suddenly.

 

Morgana's eyes widened in disbelief. Her mouth fell open in a gasp. “Tell Gwaine what?” She hoped Arthur wasn't thinking what she thought he was thinking!

 

Her hopes crumbled and died.

 

“I think you should tell Gwaine about aunt Margaret.” It's been three months now. Since Arthur's been going through his new therapy with Nimueh. Since they've arrived to New York. And one of the things that he learned was that it was very important to communicate. Verbally and nonverbally. That keeping things in wasn't _always_ the best option available. That your loved ones deserved to know the things that were bothering you. As it could only lead to more hurt and harm later by keeping it from them. He knew how much Gwaine was worried about Morgana. How much she had to lie to him in favor of keeping Arthur's reasons for why he didn't want their father to know a secret. He knew that it was putting a strain on their marriage because Gwaine was concerned for Morgana, and concerned for their baby. Gwaine had the right to know the truth. And he thought Gwaine could be trusted with not saying anything, and as someone who would be there for support if they needed him for that. He's known Gwaine practically his entire life and there was no one more loyal over the years. He's proven that as his brother, as Gwaine always calls him, and as Morgana's husband. They should have told Gwaine a long time ago. Morgana only kept it from him because it was a shared secret -- that could only be shared with joint consent -- that had the potential to have catastrophic damage if it got into the wrong person's hands. And during his depression, she also did it to protect him too. But now... It was time.

 

Morgana swallowed hard. “Are you sure?” Morgana croaked out. Because this was big. It was HUGE! It took everything she had to tell Nimueh but that was about Arthur. About him getting the help that he needed. She would have walked through fire to make that happen. But she _lied_ to Gwaine. Over and over again when she failed to tell him the truth when he pressed the matter. They've had arguments over it. She couldn't lie to herself to say that she wasn't afraid of what Gwaine's reaction would be because of it. She wouldn't blame Gwaine for leaving her for lying to him, taking their daughter, and heading for the hills. It was _not_ an encouraging feeling.

 

Unaware of Morgana's internal alarm. Arthur nodded. “I'm sure. I know it has to be if both are agreed, it's part of our agreement afterall. But the lies. The secrets. Things would have been so much different if I knew about Merlin's past, if he knew about my feelings for him--” Arthur trailed off. It hurt to think about it. And nothing was a guarantee. But he could salvage this. “Gwaine _is_ your husband. He's been there for us _both_ \--always. He _deserves_ to know the truth.”

 

There was never a doubt that Gwaine _deserved_ to know the truth, Morgana thought to herself. It was the _repercussions_ of the truth that scared the hell out of her. She swallowed hard, before nodding in agreement. “We'll tell him tonight.”

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

They waited until they put Autumn to bed for the night. They knew Gwaine noticed something was off but they both were nervous and they couldn't act any other way. The response surprised and comforted them both. Gwaine handled the truth a lot better than both Morgana and Arthur expected him to. He was angry at Uther. For lying to them. For not seeing the trauma that they dealt with over the years. Because there was no way that the experience didn't affect them. It was clear in Arthur's fear of Uther finding out, of his fear of being locked away. It was clear in Morgana's irrational behavior in making sure that Arthur got the help. By any means necessary. It was clear in the way that she attempted to build another floor to their flat, in her thoughts of moving Arthur next to Morgause, and in bribing their neighbors to move Arthur one flat down. It was clear in her making sure Arthur followed his recovery process to the tee. In an effort to work against an unmentioned timetable that he had no idea _was_ a timetable.

 

Gwaine couldn't say that he wasn't hurt though. Hurt because Morgana lied to him for the entire time that Arthur was ill. Hurt that she withheld that information from him. That Arthur, one who he considered a brother, withheld that information from him. But he understood and respected their reasons. There were serious consequences if the wrong person found out that information. Information that neither Morgana or Arthur were meant to be privy to. But in spite of the hurt, it gave him the answers that he needed to know and he would stand by his wife and his brother-in-law, brother, like he always has. This did not change his feelings in that regard. He and Morgana would have to build back some trust. Same for Arthur – though he couldn't hold it against Arthur in his current condition. And Arthur wasn't the one who lied to him for years while he was sick. It was Morgana who did that. They were supposed to be partners. It would have only taken her to talk to Arthur about sharing their secret with him and he was 100% positive that Arthur would have agreed to allow it. Arthur however in reverse; for someone else, Merlin possibly, in their situation, Gwaine wasn't so sure. And that secret sounded like something more up his wife's alley. He'd ask her later but he was willing to bet money on it. She was the older of the two. It sounded like it was more her idea to keep that secret locked and padded away while still giving her control on how to relinquish it. But it wasn't enough to make him leave her as she thought he would. He saw that fear in her eyes, he saw that fear in her tears, he heard it in her words, and he made sure that she knew that as he made love to her that night. They would be okay. That they were made of stronger stuff.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

It was on the fourth month that Arthur told Mordred that he thought it was best for them to remain friends. Mordred had visited four times. Each month while he, Morgana, Gwaine, and Autumn were away. The first time it was a surprise. He showed up with Kay and Bohrs. It was a happy surprise for him, as he missed the friends that he made at the resort. They went in to the pubs, they dranked, they spilled their guts, and they felt relieved. Arthur never had a problem talking to Mordred. Mordred left himself open to hear things and he was very intuitive when it came to reading along the lines. He _saw_ him. And Arthur was able to see Mordred too. That was what made their friendship a good one. And Kay and Bohrs were the best of friends too. Very supportive. They listened. They asked questions. And Arthur did in turn for Kay and Bohrs. Seeing how Kay was dealing with his bi-polar depression and how Bohrs was dealing with his PTSD from a past traumatic experience of being attacked brutally and left for dead by friends he trusted. They all talked. And they promised once Arthur returned to London that they would keep up the tradition of meeting monthly. Arthur, because he wasn't sure if he would return, asked them to continue the tradition regardless. With or without him. At their hesitance, Arthur added that they could still continue to communicate through Skype, by phone, or by email. They agreed, but they made Arthur promise to keep up with communication and not to close himself off. They were worried because they saw clear as day that Arthur was still struggling with it all. They always thought that Arthur should have stayed longer at the resort. But they understood that he was worried about his friend.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

The second month. Mordred surprised him by taking him out to dinner and a movie. And then for a nightcap at his place. Mordred kissed him thoroughly. But as his hands tried to move to _southern_ territories... Arthur stopped him. He couldn't do it, and he didn't understand why. The opportunity was there. Mordred was obviously hard, willing, and able -- but for some reason -- he couldn't do a simple thing as follow through. Arthur only concluded that he was either an idiot or still hopelessly in love. Arthur could only lean towards the latter in conclusion. As Merlin starred in his dreams many of nights. And it would probably take a hell of a lot more time than a month to be able to heal from his feelings for Merlin. Considering the fact that he was in love with him for the past seven years. He apologized profusely to Mordred and Mordred was so patient, so kind, and told him that he understood. That he could wait.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

The third month. Mordred showed up again. They talked by phone and by Skype a few times a week so it wasn't like they weren't communicating in between. He took him out to dinner and then iceskating. They had a blast. And once again, they ended up in Mordred's hotel room, and once again, Mordred kissed him thoroughly. When Mordred's hands moved south this time, Arthur didn't stop him. He had to try. He allowed Mordred to give him a hand job, and he returned the favor, however sloppily, being extremely less experienced in the area of gay sex -- which only made him feel worse. He would have never been ready for someone like Merlin either with all of his experience. Merlin might have laughed him out of the bedroom! Being so used to the more experienced blokes. -- until he handled Mordred the way he would handle himself to bring Mordred off properly. But when Mordred tried for more Arthur couldn't follow through yet again. His confidence may have had a lot to do with that too. Not to mention feeling like he was cheating somehow, even now. Even though he shouldn't feel that way. Once again he apologized profusely. And as always, Mordred was completely understanding. He knew that he was still in love with Merlin. It wasn't like Arthur hadn't been anything but honest with Mordred from the beginning. Mordred understood all of it. And he didn't hold anything against him. That night Arthur spent the night. They didn't have sex. They cuddled. It was for comfort. Mordred must have seen his need for it and he gave it to him. And Arthur allowed himself to fall apart inwardly. As he laid his head on Mordred's chest, as Mordred stroked his hair, and as he had to face some realizations that he was putting off inside of his own mind and heart. He's always known it, but everything was strikingly clear now. There would _never_ be another Merlin for him. He would just have to resign himself to being alone. He had no one but himself to blame; being the one who sent Merlin away in the first place.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

It was on the fourth month when Mordred surprised him that Arthur asked him not to visit him for a while. At least, not in a romantic capacity. That he only wanted to continue a friendship and not anything more. Mordred didn't look the least surprised. He looked like he was expecting it. He was disappointed but he wasn't hurt because Arthur was honest with him from the beginning of the chances that he would fall out of love with Merlin. Arthur was honest in saying that those chances were slim to none. Mordred was fully aware of the break up between him and Merlin. And of the clean break. But he still never pressed the issue. That night, Arthur spent the night at Mordred's hotel for the last time and they cuddled again as they fell asleep in each others arms. But before he left this time, Mordred stopped him -- they were still friends afterall -- to ask the question that Arthur was expecting Mordred to ask all along.

 

“Is this about Merlin?” Mordred asked in a neutral tone. Careful not to make Arthur feel like he'd done anything wrong. He could never be angry at Arthur. He was nothing but honest with him from the beginning. It was a chance. And even though he didn't think Merlin was good enough for Arthur. Even though Merlin's feelings for Arthur was questionable to him since Merlin managed to start dating -- and he was sure Merlin was having sex -- again so quickly for someone was supposed to be so irrevocably in love. Like he had no problem moving on without Arthur. It was still Arthur's choice to make in who he wanted to love for himself. Even if that love was unbalanced between them since Arthur always continued to place Merlin's wants and needs above his own. They agreed to be friends first. And Arthur was a hell of a good friend. The best. Mordred would let it go in favor of keeping that friendship if he could have Arthur in his life. That didn't mean that he wouldn't watch. There could always be another opening. And Arthur and Merlin still haven't chosen to be together and they still have a lot of things that could stand in their way if they did.

 

Arthur felt like the worse friend. Even though he was completely honest with Mordred. Mordred was the complete package. He just wasn't _Arthur's_ complete package. And that's why he had to end it. Before, it did damage to their friendship. Because Mordred deserved to find who was really the one for him. Who he was the complete package for. He swallowed hard and answered honestly. He never lied to Mordred before and he wasn't about to start now.

 

He was hoarse when he spoke. “When isn't it about Merlin?” Was Arthur's only answer. Because it's always been about Merlin for him. Even if they weren't together anymore. He couldn't stop loving Merlin anymore than he could stop himself from breathing.

 

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

Now Mordred was not the only person Arthur was allowed to date over the past four months (but Mordred was the one he took more seriously). Nimueh did not want him to become too heavily involved with any one individual during his recovery. She didn't think that his recovery was the time to make any life-altering decisions but that he could allow himself to see potential if he wanted to. That he could save that for afters. Nimueh was clear on that front and very watchful in making sure that he was letting go of his dependency issues. And not transferring them. She even got on Morgana to make sure that she wasn't coddling him in any way. That she was strictly trying to allow him to make his own decisions. Morgana, fully rebuked, followed through on that. Especially if it meant that he would get better.

 

Over the months he dated Enmyria, she was Morgana's personal assistant. They went out a few times and they ended up friends. He dated Helios, from Marketing. Helios was totally _not_ his type but he gave it a try anyway. They also ended up being friends. When he got to Rauden, from Human Resources, only for it to end it in friendship as well, Nimueh said that he didn't have to date anymore. That he made four attempts to date, he got to meet new people, and that he got to learn what it meant to be in a relationship with Mordred. He made the effort. He may have broken up with Mordred due to his feelings for Merlin but he broke up with Mordred because he chose to. For Mordred's sake in finding the right person. And for his own, in not leading his friend on. But his decision was a decision that didn't place Merlin first. And Nimueh was happy with that. She wasn't trying to get him to fall for anyone. She was trying to get him to let go of his dependency and identity issues that were attached to Merlin. She was trying to get him to communicate better. She wasn't trying to get him to fall out of love if he didn't choose to. Arthur could see that clearly. Her sessions were very thorough. She continued to ask questions to get him to communicate his feelings. She continued to work on his depression which for the first time in months, he could see himself getting better from. And she continued to work on his dependency and identity issues. Something else that was coming along just fine now. He wouldn't know how he would fare with Merlin. Considering Merlin was the one he was dependent on, but he was able to see the patterns that caused it now for it was. The dating helped him to see that. Along with the therapy. And the time away. He didn't know if he would have seen it otherwise.

 

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

It was in the fourth month that Nimueh praised Arthur for beating his eating disorder. He was improving over the months but this was a huge landmark for them because he finally gained _all_ of his weight back from the time of his depression with ten pounds more to spare. He was eating all of his meals now, without having to be coerced, without anyone having to watch him, and without it tasting like dirt – finally getting all of his tastebuds back. Needless to say, there was no more padding or larger clothing needed for him any longer. Morgana was quick to burn those items with hopes never to see any other it ever again. Gwaine and Morgana celebrated that with him by taking him shopping the next day to purchase a whole new wardrobe. Finally purchasing sizes that he wore before he had an eating disorder in the first place. Nimueh couldn't have been more pleased with that. She had taken to having Arthur weigh in during their meetings too. Just to confirm for herself that he was following through with everything on his end.

 

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

It was also in the fourth month that Arthur met Julius Borden. He lived in their complex. A few stories down. His black hair, dark eyes, tanned skin, neatly shaven beard, and muscled physique screamed bad boy and yet, Arthur couldn't sense the danger. It took him a few days to figure out it was a front and they became fast friends ever since. He would hang out with Julius, in his apartment, whether it be to eat dinner or to watch movies, and Julius would come to his to do the same. Morgana and Gwaine loved him. It definitely had to do with the fact that Julius could make anyone laugh. Even Autumn loved him. They took to going to plays together and to bowling nights, and any other thing that they could get caught up with. Sometimes Enmyria, Helios, and Rauden joined them all, some times not. They even managed to drag Nimueh out for a few bowling nights. And for the first time, in a long while, Arthur felt like there was a real chance that he could beat it all. He never stopped his back up plans though. But for the first time, he thought, it might not be necessary to use them.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

Their father continued to check on them regularly. He also decided on using Skype during their calls. Arthur and Morgana knew for a fact that he did it to see Arthur's appearance. To see if there were any changes. To see if he was still losing weight or gaining any. They also got the feeling that Aggravaine was watching them too. That their father put Aggravaine up to it. Neither Morgana or Arthur was as concerned as they were before, Arthur visibly looked fine now. It was his mental and emotional state that was healing. It didn't stop them from being on their guard though. And it didn't stop Morgana from calling Gaius to make sure that he kept his promise. Gaius reminded her that as long as she kept her promise to keep them informed, they would keep their promise to not tell Uther of Arthur's condition.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

It was also in the fourth month that Arthur told Morgana that he thought it was time for her to return back to London with her family.

 

“Are you sure that you're going to be okay?”

 

How could he answer that. “I'm sure that I won't _know_ if I'm not alone enough on my own to find out.” Arthur said with a surety. They continued to taking most of their lunches at the penthouse. This time Arthur made them turkey, ham, and cheese sandwiches with tea. He took a sip of his tea. “And besides. Your eight months pregnant now. You only have two more months to go. I highly doubt you plan on having this baby in New York and I know for a fact that you were _not_ planning on staying with me the entire six months anyway. You may as well go. I'm sure the lot has missed you too.” Arthur added the last in afterthought.

 

Morgana raised a brow. “I'm sure they've missed _you_ too. Considering they ask about you all the time.”

 

“Morgana--”

 

Morgana raised a hand to stop Arthur. “I understand your reasons. I understand you were trying to give Merlin a clean break to move on with his life. I understand that you didn't think you were going to pull through this and you didn't want to put him through that. But don't you think that your friends _want_ to be there for you too? Don't you think they're calling you because they are genuinely concerned about you and your well-being?” Morgana sighed. “You shouldn't shut them out like that, Arthur. They've been there for you this entire time and they love you. Just like they love Merlin. They want to be there for the both of you. They want to help in the best way that they know how to.”

 

“That's not why—” Arthur was quick to say before being interrupted.

 

“Oh I know that's not why. That you are blocking them off because you don't want word to get back to Merlin of your condition. That you were on the verge of another breakdown. That you _are_ still in love with him. That you never _stopped_ loving him. And you know that our lot is a gossipping group. That somehow it _would_ get back to Merlin. Because you know that no one would probably swear any secrets of that nature this time because everyone saw what a bloody mess that turned out to be. So instead, you're tuning them out. In an effort to make _sure_ that nothing comes out. I know you always have plans with your plans, Arthur. That's why father loves your head in business. He loves mine too but he loves yours most.” She rambled before clenching her jaw. “Well, newsflash little brother. None of our friends are stupid, and neither is Merlin. Someone is bound to find out. Just like our father thought he kept his secret under wraps and we found out, just as we tried to keep it under wraps and had to tell Nimueh and Gwaine, just like you tried to keep your love under wraps by not telling Merlin, by swearing us to secrecy, only for you to fall into depression and for Merlin to find out _anyway_. The truth will come out. Someone _always_ finds out. No matter how well guarded we keep it. They are _worried_ about you. They've seen you at your worse. They are not stupid enough to believe that I took you away for six months, uprooting my family -- taking Nimueh -- just because of a job when they know full well that father has never authorized either of us to stay away for this long. They'll know something is up.”

 

“I don't think I'm coming back to London.” Arthur said suddenly. His chest starting to ache as he said those words. But he resigned himself to this fate the minute he dropped Merlin off to their flat. He resigned himself to not getting better. To his own end. And just because he did get better, he was not fool enough to believe that Merlin would still love him after all of this time. Merlin was dating again. He always had an avid sex life. He went back to work. He was recovered. That was the word amongst the lot. Arthur wouldn't put himself between that. Merlin deserved better than that. It wasn't dependency issues or identity issues that he was thinking from there. It was what he felt in his heart. That Merlin deserved better than that. He broke up with him. He was the one that pushed Merlin away. Now it was time for him to settle to his fate.

 

“What do you _mean_ \-- you don't _think_ you're coming back to London?” Morgana asked, tone strained. What the hell was Arthur playing at?!

 

It was like Arthur could read her mind. “I've been speaking to father--”

 

“About what!” Morgana snapped, trying to rein all of her composure in.

 

“I've been speaking to father about staying on here permanently. I can still do my headquarters duties here, and I would be able to keep an eye on Aggravaine. Of course I arranged it for him to think it was his idea.”

 

Morgana couldn't say anything. She learned that trick from Arthur anyway. She listened on.

 

“It almost didn't work at first because he didn't like the fact that I would be away permanently but I assured him that I could make monthly visits if necessary to visit him at the mansion. I also assured him that we could stay in contact via Skype regularly. And it's not like he doesn't have Aggravaine watching out for me anyway.” Arthur added that last part in disdain. He had enough of being watched. But that was the reason why he dated some people at the office too. Aggravaine would have ratted that news out to their father. And their father would have thought he was doing okay.

 

“This is about Merlin isn't it?” Morgana asked in realization.

 

“He deserves to live his life--” Arthur only managed to get out before getting cut off.

 

“At the expense of yours!--” Morgana shrieked. This couldn't be happening!

 

“I'm not losing anything--” Arthur attempted to assure only before getting cut off again.

 

“You're about to walk away from the only life you have _ever_ known in favor of making the transition easier for Merlin. That is at the expense of your life, Arthur--”

 

“It's my decision to make!” Arthur shouted. Because it was true. If he wanted to do what he thought was right for everyone concerned. He would do so. Merlin was finally moving on. The lot and him repaired their rift, they all forgave one another. And everyone was happy again. What kind of person would he be to come back and to step in the way of Merlin happiness? It was because of him that everything fell apart in the first place. Why should he come back again to mess things up? If it meant he would never be happy than so be it. He would live with what he had. Happily ever after is what fairy tales are made of and fairy tales – _don't come true_.

 

Morgana's mouth snapped shut. Because it _was_ Arthur's decision to make and she couldn't interfere with that. She could only keep in touch with him to make sure that he was doing okay. Like they've always done. If she continued to push she would push _him_ away. Nimueh was right in telling her that from the beginning. And she always tried to mind her limits. But this time... It was different. As Nimueh prepared her for something else too.

 

“ _When he pushes you away this time Morgana. When he sends you back home. Don't push against it. That means that he's cutting the strings -- his safety net -- that he was finally moving past his dependency issues. That he will do things for himself, without relying on anyone else, and that he is attempting to move on on his own. He needs that. It's for his identity, his independence. You can't stand in the way of that or he will close himself off from you. He'll still need you in his life. He'll still want you there. He loves you dearly. But he won't need you as a crutch for him any more. He won't need anyone for that. He will be able to stand on his own two feet again.” Nimueh took a deep breath. “I know it's going to be hard for you too at first, Morgana. You've dedicated a lot of time in trying to get Arthur better. You were the only one who detected his weight loss and depression. You were the one who noticed he was on the verge of a second breakdown while Arthur was away at the lake-house, and you were the one who's seen Arthur through his worse times. It's going to be hard to let go for you too. But I'm going to need you to. For Arthur's sake, and for yours. He won't be able to see how well he can be on his own until he actually can see how well he can be on his own. He's been in Merlin's shadow so to speak for thirteen years, and Merlin in his -- he was already dependent of him -- and then he was in love with him for seven or more years, his dependency only grew, you stepped in to help Arthur when no one else would. It would be only natural for his dependency to shift to you. It hasn't of course. I've watched heavily for that. And I've worked with Arthur heavily on that too. He knows the signs to look for. If he makes the choice to do it on his own that means he notices himself that he could be headed that way too. And that he's ready to do it for himself now. Let him have it. And let yourself have it too. Trust that he will be alright. And that he can do it. He needs your confidence. He needs you to believe in him because he looks up to you too. You are_ still _his older sister afterall.”_

 

Morgana swallowed hard, as she replayed Nimueh's words in her mind. She couldn't argue the wisdom in Nimueh's words. And she knew that if Arthur was sure that she would back him up. She's always placed anything that Arthur needed to do for his recovery first. And she already made plans to leave earlier than the six months due to the baby but this was a reminder. So if that meant that she would return to London. Her chest tightened. If that meant she would leave Arthur alone, on his own. Then so be it. She would do it for him. She would do it, because if Arthur was back full strength too he would also push her away. He would want some room again. And she would give him what he needed. Even if she worried about the fact that he was recovered but never really happy. That he was recovered but resigned himself to the life that he created. She would watch over him from afar. But she would give him the space. She would give him what he asked for while keeping the lines of communication open. Something else, Arthur has improved at. Discussing when he really, really, wasn't okay. His depressed feelings. “Okay.” Was her strained reply.

 

Arthur's jaw dropped in shock. He raised an incredulous brow. He was expecting a fight. He was expecting a huge argument of Epic proportions. He was expecting _anything_ but -- okay. He closed his mouth, his eyes narrowed. “O...kay?” He asked in disbelief.

 

Morgana nodded. Taking in Arthur's surprise in her agreeing. “You're right. It _is_ your decision to make. If you think that everything is fine. That you are doing better. That you want to stay here in New York on your own for a while. And that you want me to head back to London I will respect your wishes.” Morgana nodded. Even though it hurt inside to say. She did not want to have a repeat of the last seven years. But she had to trust that everything was going to be okay. And she had to keep the lines of communication open. Arthur should always feel like he could talk to her, about _anything_ , and she wasn't going to close that door now by being overbearing. “If you are sure, then Gwaine, Autumn, and I will leave at the first of the month to head back to London.”

 

Arthur swallowed hard. It _was_ a big step for him. But he knew that he was using Morgana as a security blanket now. Because he was getting better now and was still holding on. They were always more than close but they've never been _this_ close. They never lived together for long periods of time aside from childhood and they didn't have to see each other everyday. Even if they were so close that they may have spoken to each other everyday on the phone. And that was due to him. She was the only one who stuck by him throughout everything. It wasn't fair to her and it wasn't fair to himself. It was time for her to have her life back again. The life she was putting on hold to get him better. She was about to have another child and Gwaine wanted and needed his wife back. There was no reason for him to continue to hold on aside from him not wanting to let her go. And how would he know if he was truly better until he started to let things go? He needed to do this. Not only for her, but for him too. “I'm sure.” Arthur said in all confidence.

 

And it was in that confidence that Morgana was sure that he meant it. That he would be alright. It was just how alright he would be that concerned her. There was a thing about living. And there was a thing about _living_ . And she wanted him to _live_ . To be _happy_ . And not just healthy. One out two was _not_ in her plans for her brother. He deserved happiness too. She only hoped that he could see that. Even though she knew she couldn't push the matter further. “Okay, I'll tell Gwaine this evening and we'll make the arrangements. We'll leave on the first of the month. As long as you promise to be in London for the birth of your nephew here.” She said rubbing her belly. And yes, she was right, she was having a boy!

 

Arthur looked uncertain. “Morgana--”

 

Morgana scowled at Arthur. “Don't you dare tell me you won't be at the hospital for the delivery of your nephew. It was bad enough that we missed Vivian and Elyan but this is _blood_ Arthur. You are my brother, I am having your nephew, and I want to see my brother on one of the best days of my life.” She couldn't believe Arthur was going to cop out of seeing her in the hospital just because he didn't want Merlin to feel awkward. Who's to say Merlin was even going to show anyway? He still hated her!

 

Arthur saw the hurt in Morgana's expression. It was a cross of hurt and a cross of screaming bloody murder if he wasn't in London by the time she and Gwaine had their baby. “I don't--” Arthur didn't know what to say. “I will try--”

 

“If it's difficult we can plan around it. You can sneak in and out if necessary but I can't have the baby without my family there. _All_ of my family. And once everyone leaves for the night you can hang out with me and we can play chess. Just like we did when I had Autumn.” They hated hospitals with a passion. Go figure. When Arthur had his tonsils removed at sixteen. Morgana was there overnight too as they played chess. When Morgana had pneumonia when she was nineteen to the point where she needed to be hospitalized for a few days. Arthur spent both nights there as they played chess. It was a tradition by the time Autumn came around. It was how they got through the night while staying at a hospital.

 

Arthur must have been thinking the same thing. “You have Gwaine now. He knows.”

 

Morgana sighed. “I want you. This isn't about knowing and not knowing. This isn't about anything of that nature. This is about me having my baby and wanting my only brother to be there with me like he's always been. We can arrange it for no one to know aside from Gwaine and Autumn if that's what you want.” She rubbed her forehead. “Even though I'm sure _everyone_ would want to know that you were there, we could do that. But I want you there. Promise me you'll think about it.”

 

Arthur sighed inwardly. What could he say? He wasn't going to tell his only sister that he wouldn't be there for the biggest day of her life. What kind of brother would he be? Choosing hiding out from Merlin in favor of being their for his only sister. Merlin deserved to move on. He would give him that. But he couldn't do it to the point that he put that first above him being an uncle. Above his sister's only wish that she's actually asked of him for in quite some time. After everything she's done for him. He wouldn't do that to her. “I promise.” He said. Just in case he got the last second jitters. But he was sure that he would come. They would just have to arrange a way for him to be there without interrupting Merlin's life. Merlin was healthy. Merlin was continuing to date. He was moving on. And Arthur; he wasn't going to stand in the way of that.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

Nimueh asked Arthur if he wanted her to continue on with him too if he was going to stay in New York. She gave him two options. He could still arrange for sessions with her when he came to visit his father monthly while they continued to have weekly sessions via Skype. Or, since he was doing much beter, she could refer him to another therapist. One she trusted. She could correspond with him but Arthur would have someone readily available if needbe to see. Arthur chose to see the therapist that she would refer him to. He actually respected Nimueh and her methods for recovery but she was right in pointing out the readily available option for him. He was going to be on his own. For the first time in years. No flat mate, no sister, no father, no lot, just him. In some ways that freaked him out. In other ways it made him feel like he was truly moving on. Truly making choices for himself. And truly being independent. It was a good feeling. If the feeling of loneliness didn't attempt to overshadow it.

 

Nimueh understood exactly why Arthur would choose to have someone readily available too. “Remember Arthur, you _can_ do this. It's a big step for you I know. But I am confident that you will be fine. And if you need me, I'm only a phone call away to chat. But I'm sure that you and Dr. Alator will get on just fine. He's highly respected and he was one of the people I corresponded with in diagnosing you the second and third time. He didn't know you by name of course. But now that you have chosen him I'll make him aware and what's at stake -- he'll be able to review my notes, I'll bring him up to speed on anything else, and he'll be ready to take you on as a patient until you decide to return back to London and I'll take over again if that's your choice.” Nimueh was _very_ big on the choices. She hammered it in Morgana and she made sure that Arthur made his own choices in his therapy and in his own life. Along with working with him on how to communicate his personal feelings more efficiently. Which he has done.

 

“That's what I would want, if I returned.” Arthur said with certainty. He wouldn't have gotten this far without Nimueh. He would definitely keep her if he ever returned to London -- though he doubted he would aside from scheduled visits to see his father, sister, Gwaine, Autumn, and his new nephew to be. He didn't want to disrupt Merlin's life -- and it was good that she was leaving the lines of communication open if he needed to call her too. Not to mention she would be corresponding with Dr. Alator.

 

Nimueh smiled. “That's good because I'm going to miss one of my best patients.” She would, and she wished Arthur all the best. He deserved it.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

“Are you sure you're going to be alright in the big city all by your lonesome?” Gwaine asked - for the tenth time since he found out two weeks ago – while waiting in the airport lounge for their flight call.

 

Arthur restrained an eyeroll, but he couldn't hide his agitation in his expression or in his tone. “For the umpteenth time Gwaine, I'm going to be alright. Just -- take care of my sister and remember my threat to you if you don't.”

 

Gwaine restrained the inward shudder that he got every time he thought about Arthur's threat if he hurt his sister. He understood even more now how much they regarded each other. They weren't only siblings -- they were the closest of siblings -- and best friends. He never would see anything wrong with someone watching over his wife like that. And it wasn't like either of them were overbearing before. None of those changes started to happen until Arthur became severely depressed. And over the past few months, he was able to see things changing back to the way it was _before_ Arthur became depressed to begin with. It was a lighter feeling. It was also something that Gwaine didn't realize he missed until he did. It didn't mean that he wasn't going to miss Arthur stuck up here in New York. He knew Arthur's reasons and didn't agree to it one bit having no problem telling Arthur so. And if he was still in love with Merlin after all of this time he should have told him that too. But no, Arthur resigned himself to his fate of his own doing when he broke up with Merlin. Or whatever it was that they did. They were never a couple. They were only best mates. But even if Merlin didn't see it himself they appeared close enough to look like they were more than that. They had a way about them, they were comfortable in their own skin together. Gwaine's only heard how Merlin was doing. That he was going out again, having sex again -- he never admitted that to Arthur, he didn't have to -- that he was working again, and that he was moving on. Merlin was always a private person with his feelings. He kept almost everything to himself. And he could close off his expressions just as good as anyone else when he wanted to. If he was defending himself or protecting himself. You weren't getting anything out of him.

 

The only person that got through to that side of him was Arthur and it appeared that not even he got through to everything. Considering he never knew of Merlin's past. He never knew of Merlin's blocked off feelings for him. And he never knew of Merlin turning off his painful emotions or of his continuing to feel less than at Pendragon events. Merlin withheld all of those things from him. It was a heavy dose of things to withhold over a thirteen year period where they were supposed to be best mates. It changed the whole landscape of their dynamic. And yet Merlin managed to do it without batting an eye. And then followed by Arthur's depression, because he didn't know that gigantic signs would not do for the one person in the world that he wanted it to do for -- the fallout -- it rocked them to their core. Suicide watch, eating disorders, depression, dependency issues, identity issues, fears of acceptance/rejection/confrontation disorders. Half of things Gwaine wasn't even aware was that serious, until now.

 

It changed them all forever and how they would look at things. How they would be more attentive. And how they would look out for the signs. Because no matter what can be said. Arthur's symptoms were not _all_ things that you could see. And neither was Merlin's. They caught on to Arthur's symptoms first through Morgana. She knew her brother like no one else did. It took her time but she saw it. And she left her door open for Arthur to confide in her. She would have never known of his suicidal thoughts otherwise. He could have very well have given into it. Merlin's symptoms were not detectable for them to see signs of or to pick patterns off of to consider it being a condition. He lived his life, he seemed content, he kept his secrets, he worked, and maintained friendships. Just not long-term relationships. But he still had a few. With Cenred for six-months and with Robert for three. He had those relationships even though he ended his relationships during the put up or shut up stages. Because he didn't want to relinquish control or lower his defenses. He did seem oblivious to some things and he was self-absorbed but those were personality traits. No one in their group was perfect. They loved each other anyway.

 

Gwaine remembered that Merlin's symptoms was closed off by his barriers that he built up that were so ingrained into his personality. The putting himself first. The protecting himself. The defending himself. That it would not have been considered a symptom. The only people closest enough to Merlin at the time that it started to notice anything was Hunith, Gaius, and Will. Will was a kid at the time. He called Merlin on the lies that he saw. He wouldn't have been able to notice anything as Merlin withheld things from him too. Merlin could lie with the best of them there. The only two that knew it all where Merlin was concerned was Hunith and Gaius. And they catered to Merlin's wishes of not wanting the help. They believed him when he said it was not needed -- similar to how they all believed Arthur would be able to pull through based on his words. Mental disorders don't always work that way. And by the time Merlin made it to London, leaving his past behind, no one knew the wiser that there were things that they _needed_ to know.

 

Merlin was abused in life so early on that some of the things he did to protect himself mentally became a part of his personality. It's going to stay a part of his personality. A part that he will have to adjust with -- just like Arthur has things that he will have to adjust to too, but has shown himself capable of. Merlin will have to learn to not always place himself first. It was always why Merlin's past relationships would end. It was how he managed to deal with being alone, even with his father living in the same house with him, for all of those years. He placed himself first. Who else was taking care of him then? His father wasn't. He looked out for himself first. He protected himself. And he mentally defended himself. He had to live differently now. He would have to learn how to trust. As far as relationships; In the past, Merlin would always justify the break ups with some made up reason blaming the bloke but after the fiftieth guy -- one only had to re-evaluate to know that it was Merlin who was _causing_ his relationships to end too. Partly, because he was emotionally unavailable. And partly, because he refused to open himself up to a relationship if it required him to be open and honest, to compromise, and to lower his barriers. He would have to learn compromise. To commuicate more. And to be more open instead of blocking himself away from the things that's hurt him. And he was going to have to pay more attention. To be more attemptive. To not ignore. Because Merlin did a lot of that intentionally to avoid addressing the things he needed to address until it became a cockup of monumental proportions. Not everyone is going to tell you things outright. We all have responsibility to use _all_ of our senses. We all have to pay attention too. And we can't blame everyone else for our own inattentiveness.

 

Gwaine wondered what Merlin would appear like when they returned to London. Because looking at Arthur. He was eating, he was recovering -- and very well Gwaine was happy to see -- he even looked healthier, but the light in his eyes were dimmed. It was clear that he wasn't happy with _everything_. That he was taking one day at a time. That he was only half the man he use to be. And that he was living. He wondered if Merlin would be the same.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A penny for your thoughts.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to take the time to thank you all for sending in such wonderful reviews. It continues to encourage and inspire me to write this story and I hope everyone is still enjoying the ride. If I haven't responded to your reviews yet I will be doing so shortly. I wanted to get this chapter up first because it is another large one and it's covering a lot of things.
> 
> This chapter is also unbeta'd. If you see anything please feel free to point it out and I will make the necessary adjustments to correct it. This chapter does have warnings for triggers and mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts. With that being said, I hope you enjoy it.

“I heard what you said that Arthur told you about Merlin, Gwaine but I'm just saying that I don't believe it.” Morgana replied, with slight agitation while looking out the window from her window seat on the plane.

 

“Why would he lie about any of that?” Gwaine asked.

 

“Because he's probably saying what he thinks we want to hear. His mind was all over the place when he came back from the lake-house -- he just sent away the love of his life -- and before that he suffered a nervous breakdown. And let's not forget about the past seven years or the two years or more now if Nimueh is right that he's suffered from depression. He's never said anything negative about Merlin in the thirteen years that we've known him for. Anything that Merlin's ever done over the years Arthur has justified or stuck up for. That's why we ended up babying him for things we should have called him out on like we've all done to anyone else who was acting like an idiot. If Merlin said something about himself, the same things, if it wasn't too cruel, then Arthur would have said that but not a criticism of something new.” She raised a hand to stop Gwaine from speaking. “But he does hold some resentment, some -- things that have hurt him, that he is dealing with on his own. Seven years is a hell of a lot of pain to deal with overnight. I think he's dealing with everything that's happened between them over that month that they spent together too. It wasn't a time for him to make decisions or to be involved aside from what he had to do for his recovery. It was supposed to be about him focusing on getting the help. I think he's trying to reconcile that with what's happened over the past thirteen years to explain it to himself. To understand it. He might hold some resentment. He might even think that Merlin was _busy_ as you stated, he was, which Merlin has always said himself -- though Merlin is normally more blunt at times in his own description of it -- but he doesn't hold anything major against Merlin. He's always placed him first. I think with all of the therapy.” She sighed. “I think that he's trying to understand what he's done from what he hasn't and is trying to see how he fitted into everything to understand. Nimueh stated that there is still a lot of things that Arthur will have to reconcile himself with. But he has to begin to make his own choices again. He hasn't made choices prior that hasn't been influenced in some way by Merlin, by thinking of Merlin, or by placing him first. Mainly, and almost always, placing him first. Anything that Merlin's asked him for over the years he has given him. The only stopper was agreeing to go into a relationship until they were both better to consider it which still had Merlin in mind too because he wanted Merlin to be sure of his feelings. He didn't want Merlin to choose him because he felt obligated to him or because he wanted to keep their friendship. Arthur has to start making decisions for himself. But as far as anything else -- Arthur's never held any type of negative feelings towards Merlin aside from what would be natural for him in trying to reconcile the past seven years of his life. He's trying to see patterns. He's trying to piece it together. What he's done wrong. What Merlin's done wrong. What could have been differently. Nothing else.”

 

“We'll there's a lot of things that he could have done differently.” Gwaine said while leaning his head back on his seat. “He could have told Merlin he loved him, he didn't have to pay for Merlin's schooling. They didn't have to live together. Arthur didn't have to place his life on hold. And he could have had Merlin move out once Merlin became a doctor as it was Arthur's flat. He also didn't have to come back to support Merlin immediately from the resort or try to take him away to the lake-house when he returned.”

 

Morgana shook her head. “Merlin needed the help to get to uni. He was always smart as a whip, but the scholarship money wasn't enough. Hunith was even happy that Arthur helped in that way. And Merlin, he was ecstatic too. It was our father who was in disagreement. Arthur did it anyway. He'd do anything for Merlin. I thought it was the right thing to do given the fact that Merlin's always had a lot of potential. He just needed a little help along the way and what good is all of our money if we can't help anyone who needs it?” Morgana said while scratching her forehead. “The living together. There was nothing wrong with that either until Arthur went and fell in love with Merlin. But no one asks to fall in love. And falling in love, discovering his sexuality, all of those feelings, not knowing if it would ever be returned, was a lot to deal with. He wouldn't have just chosen to go through all of that. It happened. It was done. The lake-house. That was Arthur's idea because Merlin was falling into depression staying at the flat and he wanted to help him through that before it happened. He argued with me over it. He did right. It was the right choice for Merlin it just wasn't the right choice for himself. Merlin needed the support. He was dealing with a lot of traumatic experiences from the past. It just -- should have been someone else aside from Arthur to have done it. They both should have had a cooling period from each other while they got themselves better. A romantic relationship was the last thing that was needed during that period. I firmly believe that. Just like I firmly believe that there shouldn't have been any changes to Arthur's original recovery treatment. Adding dates and more time with someone you are heavily dependent on, the source of your unrequited love, while you are being treated for it, doesn't benefit the person who is suffering from depression. There should have been some time set aside for them both to decide what they wanted to do. With no pressure for anything further aside from their friendship. That goes the same for Merlin. Arthur tried to tell Merlin that several times but Merlin kept saying he knew what he wanted. That he didn't need time. Who's to say his feelings wouldn't have changed? Arthur would have given into it only to be left heartbroken in the end. They needed time. Arthur wasn't even in the frame of mind to make any decisions during that month they had together but Merlin kept pushing anyway.”

 

“But you said that Arthur would only be left heartbroken in the end if he tried. He's _still_ heartbroken in the end.” Gwaine thought he'd point out.

 

“That's by his own choice now. He wants Merlin to be able to live his life. He wants Merlin to have his own choices too. Like Merlin's life would have been better if he hadn't met Arthur in the first place. That's what Arthur is doing. He's making it like he never existed. That's why he isn't planning on moving back to London. He generally thinks Merlin would be happier now, after everything that has happened, without him.” Morgana said tiredly. She really didn't care about any of that. She wants her brother to be happy and healthy, and him making that choice, for someone else – for them to be happy -- was no different than him placing his recovery on hold to get better.

 

“You think he's _choosing_ , to be _heartbroken_?” Gwaine asked incredulously.

 

Morgana raised a brow. “I think that when he resigned himself before to not pull out of this that he _truly_ resigned himself. It's like Nimueh said, he closed all avenues on purpose. He truly didn't believe he was going to make it through. He didn't just close the door on Merlin but on all of our friends. He was trying to get them to move on with their lives _without_ him in it. Like they were better off _without_ him in it. I don't think he's completely out of the woods yet because the patterns are so closely related to our aunt. She removed herself completely from everyone else too. She thought we would be better without her too except Arthur seems to be thinking ahead in trying to _ensure_ that we will be better _without_ him. And she started feeling alone even while she was surrounded with love too. In his and Merlin's flat. During his depression. Arthur felt alone. Except he didn't feel the love that he wanted. And he didn't have anyone who was there for him. It wasn't Merlin's fault that he wasn't there. It happened. The only thing I was upset about was how long it happened for without it being noticed from his best friend. Depressed people aren't going to be very vocal about being depressed. Merlin's a doctor, he knows that. But there are big signs, signs a friend _should_ see. It doesn't matter now though, what's done is done. My point, I don't think he was telling you what he really was thinking. Except for Merlin and I not getting along. And if everyone could turn away from him now it would make it easier for him to know that everyone will be fine without him.” And Morgana did not like where her was mind was going with that train of thought.

 

“You think he's headed for another breakdown?”

 

She thought he could be heading for worse.

 

“Nimueh is watching everything really closely. It was also why she wanted to make sure that Arthur had someone readily available. Just in case. She also brought Dr. Alator up to speed. They worked with him on communication but Arthur is still holding some of the major things in. He shouldn't be trying to stay in New York. He should have tried to face Merlin. How is he going to put anything to the test unless he does? He thinks Merlin is happy, dating, and living his life. Yes, we didn't _tell_ Arthur that Merlin went through being sad, coping, and that he was still very much in love with Arthur. We allowed him not to know those pieces of information in an attempt for him to move forward to make his own decisions. But even though Arthur's said that. Said that he wanted Merlin to be happy, dating, and living his life, he can't possibly be happy that Merlin is moving on and dating again. He's lying to himself and he's placing his own feelings aside to accomplish it.”

 

Gwaine didn't like the feeling he was getting. He sighed. “What is Dr. Alator going to be focusing on with Arthur?”

 

“The next step of his recovery. Just because he's improved -- learned how to not always place other's first, learned better how to communicate, learned how to have two-sided relationships, how to see signs of dependency clearer and identity issues, and has gotten past his eating disorder -- doesn't mean he is completely out of the woods. Dr. Alator is going to work more in depth with Arthur discussing how those problems all originated now. We know it all sparked from his falling into depression from an unrequited love. That is why he fell into depression after five and a half years or more of that seven year period. But now they have to deal with how my aunt came into play too. Any issues with our father, and anything else that has to do with his feelings for Merlin. He's out of the woods where father could be a threat to him so he's being treated for the solution right now. On all fronts. He should never put someone first to the point of his own health falling into peril. He should always have his own form of self-preservation.” Morgana pressed the bridge of her nose. “He doesn't need to become selfish or spoiled or anything of that nature, that would change his complete personality, but he does need to realize that making decisions that will harm himself will not be something that will benefit him.”

 

“What about Merlin?'

 

Morgana raised a brow. “What about Merlin? He's made similar mistakes. They both fed into each other over the years. No one knew that Merlin had a condition to learn how to cater to him differently, or to make adjustments to keep that in mind. If Arthur knew about his situation he would have known to handle things differently. And he was suffering from his own hell of a condition when he found out. He wasn't eating, he just suffered a nervous breakdown, and he was severely depressed. That's not someone who was in a clear frame of mind to be around Merlin -- who was recovering himself -- like that. Not for anything more than support as a friend but definitely not to make decisions about anything more. Arthur knew that, and that's why he wasn't trying for anything more. Merlin was the one who pushed the issue because he didn't want to wait, thinking that Arthur wouldn't want to be with him once he recovered.

 

And it's not his fault that Merlin intentionally neglected to tell him about his past previously, if he told him Arthur could have known to handle things differently when he was in his right frame of mind to make choices. Merlin held onto Arthur for comfort and security. He's accepted everything and fed off of Arthur when he should have known when to let go too. They both were no different. Except for the fact that they both fed into each other's problems. Arthur, in his want to make sure that Merlin had everything that he wanted and Merlin in his want to have Arthur around and accepting it. One knew what they were doing, the other didn't, but they were both wrong. And they both denied help when they should have gotten it from the beginning. It resulted in them feeding off of each other differently. Merlin from the first day that he and Arthur met. And Arthur, from when he fell into depression and probably before. It was the failures of everyone not getting help and not telling their feelings when they were supposed to that caused a lot of this over the years. And Arthur is definitely included in that too. He should have gotten the help. He should have stayed longer at the resort without thinking about Merlin. He shouldn't have placed his recovery on hold. He should have eventually told Merlin that he loved him. And he shouldn't have continued to place Merlin first in everything along with making sure that Merlin never had to want. They were _friends_. He took care of Merlin way beyond what you would do for a friend. And he tried to show his love for Merlin in everything in between. He should have understood when he wasn't being treated in the same manner and understood when to let it go. He may not have had a breakdown or fallen into depression for an unrequited love to begin with if he did, and he would have improved faster if he put himself first during his recovery. And I get that Merlin was acting out of fear and his emotions when he was pushing Arthur, but that just meant that he wasn't in the right frame of mind to be making decisions about a relationship either if he was willing to force Arthur into the dates and the additional time. Arthur was right, they needed to take the time first, before deciding on anything else, to get better.”

 

“Do you think it would have made a difference if Merlin knew the truth about your aunt?” Gwaine had to ask because he's been thinking about that lately. It made a difference with him knowing because he was about to lay it out on the line to Morgana if it things continued to go as they were. It was affecting their marriage. He needed to know.

 

“I don't know.” Morgana said honestly. “We told him about the severity of Arthur's condition and it didn't make a difference in him pushing against Arthur's recovery anyway, for the sake of a relationship over Arthur's health. Who's to say he wouldn't have done similar with that secret? There is so much that's on the line with that secret that I'm not sure that I want to risk it.” Morgana shook her head. “And Merlin loves Arthur. He hates me and he hates our father. He hates our father for the way my father has treated him over the years. While he hates and blames me for having to step in to take care of my brother. I don't know if love for Arthur alone would be enough to hold him from not saying anything to try to hurt my father and I.” It's not that she didn't trust Merlin's feelings for Arthur. But if he hated everyone else in their family it would be easy to try and destroy them. She's heard the things that Merlin's said about her. That's a lot to trust in someone who continues to do that, and she had more than Arthur to consider there.

 

“But it takes two of you to decide that together right? What if Arthur _wanted_ to tell Merlin?” Because he didn't think Arthur wouldn't _not_ want to tell Merlin. It was the extinuating circumstances that was probably holding them back and the change in the dynamic between them that was making Arthur question it now. Before, Nimueh claimed it didn't affect Arthur's daily life once he grieved over their aunt's death. That it did affect his savior-complex in some ways and that he wouldn't have known that at the time. It was publicized to the world that Margaret Pendragon suffered from an aneurysm. Uther covered it up. There were legality issues a mile wide on that one so there was definitely extinuating circumstances. It was why he couldn't be beyond livid when finding out it was kept from him by his wife and best friend. And it didn't come into Arthur's thoughts heavily until his depression, the repurcussions of what that could mean, his loss of hopelessness in his situation with Merlin, and the suicidal thoughts when he didn't see a point to it all. Because he couldn't live like that. Gwaine shook his head. Arthur's only kept two things from Merlin over thirteen years. And that was telling Merlin he loved him -- because he showed it and the feelings was there to see and hear if listened to -- and telling him about his aunt, which wasn't a factor until now. But Gwaine knows Arthur, he knows his history and Arthur is a little bit too noble when it comes down to sharing secrets like that. And out of respect for his aunt too. He probably didn't even think it was his secret to share.

 

“He can't do it without my consent too. That's the pact along with checks and balances. We both have to agree about who we share that secret with. And the only reason why we told Nimueh was for Arthur's treatment and Arthur wanted to tell you because it was interfering with our marriage. He was blaming himself for it and he didn't want anything to happen to us on his account. Not after everything that I've done for him and not after everything you've been to him over the years. He didn't say as much, but I know my brother. Which also leads me back to thinking he wanted to have someone else be the bearer of that secret. Just in case he wouldn't be there to watch over me.”

 

Gwaine's first thought was of the fact that Morgana would have _never_ told him about that shared secret if it wasn't for Arthur's persuasion. Which proved that his earlier thoughts about Morgana orchestrating the secret keeping and how it was relinquished was true. His second thought... “What do you mean he wanted to have someone else be the bearer of that secret just in case he wouldn't be there to watch over you?”

 

Morgana grimaced. “I think,” she swallowed, “I think he's still making plans.” Realization dawning upon her.

 

Gwaine raised both brows. “What...plans?” Spell it out Morgana!

 

“I think he wanted to make sure that I was taken care of for when the time comes that he wouldn't be there to keep his end of the deal.” She closed her eyes, before turning to Gwaine. “It's what he said first, when he tried to get out of coming to the hospital for my delivery. He said that I had you now and that you know. Like it wasn't necessary for me to have _him_ any longer.”

 

“You think he's still having suicidal thoughts.” Gwaine gasped out trying to piece everything together.

 

“I think he's leaving the option _open_ for it. By making sure that he doesn't have to worry about anyone and that everyone is well and truly provided for first. Nimueh's been working on that with him and she is going to have Dr. Alator work on that too but it's the only thing that makes sense behind Arthur's reasons. And that's why I said he was lying to you.

 

“Arthur doesn't lie.” Gwaine was quick to retort.

 

Morgana rolled her eyes. “Arthur _does_ lie. _If_ he has to. He tries his very best not to. He doesn't like secrets after learning of our aunt but he understands that some secrets are meant to be kept.” She had to teach him that lesson but he understands, she added to herself mentally. Arthur would have spoken to the wrong person about their aunt. He was beside himself when he learned of what happened. She shook her head inwardly. “Like his drunken confession if he didn't want to share it since it was _said_ while he was _drunk_ and unable to control his actions at the time. Merlin is Arthur's first love. That would have been the most humiliating thing in his entire life if Merlin rejected him once he found out. He was being rejected everyday by Merlin anyway. Merlin kept accepting dates, with no real signs and declarations, and he ignored all of Arthur's advances with huge signs and declarations with everything aside from saying he loved Merlin. And relationships don't have to start with those three words. The majority of them do not and has started with even less. Arthur did tell Merlin that he liked him a lot too, that he cared for him deeply, and he always tried saying things to Merlin to declare his feelings. It was clear. He needed something from Merlin to go further. Anything! A hint. A spark. Some inkling that _something_ was there. He never got it. Not once. Who would _want_ to declare love under _those_ circumstances?

 

Merlin glossed over what was said, ignored it, and continued to choose someone else. Arthur was never good enough for him in Arthur's mind, for seven years, except for the fact that he knew he was. Merlin never stopped dating, never stopped having sex -- was very verbal about his active love life -- ignored all of Arthur's advances, and strictly saw him as a friend. What kind of friends would anyone of us have been to destroy Arthur like that when it was obvious that Merlin only saw him as a friend? And we tried to question Merlin, he never even considered Arthur when it came to a relationship. Arthur wasn't even a viable option. How were we to know Merlin used Arthur as some focal point and blocked out all romantic feelings for Arthur and that it would only be triggered if Arthur left him as that was the reason why he constructed those walls in the first place? To prevent not losing their friendship. And even with all of that we never stopped trying to push Arthur to tell Merlin. To tell Merlin that he loved him, to move out, or to tell Merlin to move out. But in the end it was still Arthur's choice. And he had his reasons. And under those circumstances they were valid ones. Could Arthur have done something differently? We established that. Could we have handled it differently? Probably. But we were trying to help Arthur as best as we could in a horrible situation. And none of us dealt with having a love like that. The rest of us didn't even have to declare our love like that nor did we have to go through the feeling of it not being returned. There was always some spark there for us to know there were feelings and if there was any pining involved it certainly didn't last for seven years.”

 

She shook her head. “I'm going off topic. Arthur's never lied to Merlin in thirteen years but he lied to him to break up with him. Something he has never done. It would have torn him up saying it just as much as it probably tore Merlin up hearing it because Arthur loves Merlin to bits and whether or not Merlin loves Arthur for the right reasons, even though he made his fair share of mistakes too over the years, he still does love Arthur and they have a hell of a lot of history together.” She rubbed her forehead. “I wouldn't say that Arthur thought our aunt constituted as a lie because it was a secret about our family and not solely him. He also knew it wasn't something he was allowed to share under _any_ circumstances without me agreeing to it. That promise was made since he was twelve and Arthur's kept his word. He wouldn't have considered that to be a lie but a vow on his honor.” Gwaine could agree with that in knowing Arthur the way that he does. “I would say that he knows on some level that not telling Merlin about him getting worse and not telling Merlin that he wasn't planning on surviving this was indeed a lie even though Nimueh called the breakup screaming warning signs for her. But Arthur justified his reasons for breaking up with Merlin in his decisions. He placed Merlin first in not wanting to put Merlin through that. He wanted Merlin to be happy. But he was also closing a door to ensure of it. He lied to Merlin to accomplish it because Merlin is a very stubborn man when he wants to be and wouldn't have taken Arthur's bullshit of an excuse to break up with him. And Arthur's no fool. He knows that he wouldn't have been able to stand up against Merlin in juggernaut mode, he would have given in. Just like he gave in to the dates and the additional time and everything else Merlin has ever asked him to do over the years. Anytime Merlin has ever _really_ wanted anything from Arthur over the past thirteen years Arthur has always given it to him. Arthur would move hell or high water to make it happen. It's only gotten worse now. Because of his depression. He wouldn't have been able to fight Merlin on the reason for the break up. That is why he lied to him. Hell, he didn't even tell me about that decision. There has been a lot of things Arthur's been doing behind the scenes without my knowledge. Like speaking with father and getting him to stay in New York permanently. Like closing off all communication from everyone. Like paying off his flat rent for him and Merlin for the next five years and building up the flat account.”

 

“He did--”

 

“Yes, he did it. The rent part came out in therapy. The flat accout was because Merlin told the lot about it all. That's how I found out. It wasn't from Arthur. He's making plans. Back up plans. Just in case he doesn't completely recover.”

 

Gwaine rubbed his beard. “And he sent us away --”

 

“Just like my aunt Margaret moved herself away.”

 

“Do you want to go back?”

 

“Of course I want to go back, Gwaine!” Morgana hissed. “But Nimueh advised us to allow Arthur to make his own decisions and his own choices --”

 

Gwaine looked at Morgana in disbelief. “But if you knew --”

 

Morgana's eyes narrowed. “Of course I didn't know all of that. I'm putting it together now in trying to understand Arthur's reasons. Arthur always has reasons upon reasons for everything that he's ever done from the day that he was born. Father's always wanted to have a look in Arthur's mind because he's always been like a genius.”

 

Gwaine gritted his teeth. “A controlling --”

 

“He's not trying to control _anyone_ Gwaine.” She chided. “He's trying to control _himself_. He's always done that. From the minute he found out about our aunt he's tried to control things from happening on a repeat of the past. He studied everything about depression to ensure that he never got depressed and if he did how to hide it from our father. And the only thing he didn't account for was falling in love and falling into depression anyway because those feelings weren't returned or received. And on top of that, falling in love with someone with a whole set of problems of his own that made any attempt of Arthur showing his love for him then blow up into smitherenes. He fell in love with the wrong person, in that stage of his life, for a first love.”

 

“You can't control who you fall in love with --”

 

“That's my point. You can't. And he didn't know that Merlin had any problems when he fell in love with him because Merlin kept it from him.”

 

“He was protecting himself --”

 

“Yes, he was. No one faults Merlin for protecting himself. We only said things would have been a lot different if he was honest with us about his past, that's all.”

 

“But maybe if Merlin knew the entire truth --”

 

“It wouldn't have made a difference then. There are a lot of maybes in this equation, Gwaine.” She responded tiredly. “Maybe if our aunt never committed suicide, maybe if Merlin told the truth of his past, maybe if Arthur never fell into depression, maybe if Arthur told Merlin loudly that he loved him, Maybe if Merlin didn't block his feelings for Arthur first, there were a lot of things that could have been handled differently. Everyone has made mistakes in this scenario.”

 

“But didn't Nimueh pick this stuff up in therapy?”

 

“She picked a hell of a lot of it up in speaking with Arthur and trying to read between the lines but Arthur isn't going to give everything. Not if somewhere in there he has completely resigned himself to not coming out of this. He would not risk being locked away for anyone. And if you can't trust your own father to not instituionalize you who can you trust fully? That is a fate worse than death for him. And Gaius said that even Merlin was questioning Arthur's treatment when I called to check in. That Merlin was questioning if Arthur's treatment was proper. Even though it was months too late to question it. But he questioned whether or not Arthur should have been hospitalized during his treatment, to help him --”

 

“And what did you say?”

 

“I told him the same thing he told Merlin apparently. That Arthur refused being hospitalized. Gaius already knew that --”

 

“But if he's still a danger to himself --”

 

“We have no proof of that!” Morgana shrieked but quieted down as a few passengers looked their way. “We have no proof. We are trying to guess the inner motives of my idiot brother's mind. Somewhere, somehow, he resigned himself to his fate and sending Merlin away was the final straw to that. He would have never done it if he felt there was a chance for himself in this. He loves Merlin more than life itself but if he thought he wasn't going to have a life --”

 

“He would give him up.” Gwaine finished for her in disbelief. Because Nimueh was right in saying that Arthur had a ways to go before he was recovered. That there really was more things that needed to be focused on. That Arthur, needed more help than they thought he did.

 

“That's what I'm trying to say.” Morgana said, stunned by her own realization. She wanted to strangle her brother!

 

“So what are we going to do now?” And by 'we', Gwaine meant 'her', because Morgana was probably one of the two people that he knew that could shake some sense into Arthur in not thinking that life could be so horrible and that everyone would survive just fine without him. And because Uther did a lot more damage in this too in having his golden boy child think of ways to end his life so far in advance that he apparently wove this plan for years as a preventive measure -- if Morgana wasn't able to follow through with their plans -- to ensure no one would have thought of it once he fell into depression to prevent his father from taking over his life like he did his aunt. Once he fell into depression. The plans seemed to have already been set. The breakdown, the final straw. The only way he wouldn't have set it would be if he never fell into depression in the first place.

 

Morgana swallowed hard, as if she read Gwaine's mind. “I'm going to talk to Nimueh once we land. And then Nimueh is going to talk to Alator. And then I'm going to contact Julius. I'm not going to tell him everything because I can't. But I will ask him to keep a sharp eye on Arthur for a while. To make sure that he's okay. I'll feign in telling him that Arthur's never been on his own by himself before, which is true. And that I wanted to make sure that he was okay. I'll ask him not to tell Arthur this though. And I will also contact Arthur more myself. But I'll use the Skype method to keep in touch with him too, along with phone calls. I won't be overbearing to push him away but I will keep a closer watch on him.”

 

“And what about Merlin?” Gwaine asked, after contemplating everything that's been said, has not been said, and the things that have transpired over the past several months.

 

“What about Merlin?” Morgana wasn't following. She was too busy trying to think of ways to prevent her self-sacrificing, suicidal brother from making the biggest mistake of his life!

 

Gwaine raised both brows at her as if saying, _“Isn't it obvious!”_ “I think you _need_ to tell Merlin.”

 

Morgana's mind was in a whirl and she really wasn't focusing on Gwaine. “Tell Merlin what?” She wasn't following.

 

Gwaine huffed. “Before all of this. I could see why we didn't tell Merlin. I could understand that he may have done more harm than good. That he has on some points. But now, with everything that you are telling me. Along with everything else. I think that Merlin needs to know the truth. _All_ of the truth.”

 

Morgana expression turned incredulous as she took in all of what Gwaine was trying to say. “I can't tell _all_ of the truth without Arthur giving me permission to do so --”

 

“I don't _care_ about Arthur's _permissions,_ Morgana. I wouldn't be surprised if the _permissions clause_ was your idea to keep everything about that event a secret in the first place to protect everyone.” Morgana didn't bother to deny it and Gwaine held no surprise in his expression before he continued. “I _care_ about my best friend thinking that his life is over so much that he _wants_ to commit suicide. I _care_ about my best friend orchestrating all of our paths to ensure all doors are closed off from us trying to see it to allow him to _accomplish_ it. Either by making Merlin hate him or by making us think he's all good and properly better.” Gwaine finished that last sentence with a bitter taste in his mouth because they were all fooled. “I _care_ that we will be _condoning_ it if we don't allow the one person who needs to know, who could possibly do something about it to know the truth!” Gwaine lowered his voice when the passengers started to look their way again. “Secrets are _not_ meant to be kept Morgana if the secret is a danger to the bearers of it or someone else.” He hissed. “And Arthur is a danger to _himself_ right now as a result of a secret and of his falling into depression in the first place. His depression is feeding into everything else. And he doesn't see any hope in his situation. He's improved, but he hasn't improved for himself. He improved for you while we were there in New York. And in London, he tried to improve for you but mainly, he tried to improve because of Merlin and his love for him but he couldn't do it properly because he placed his recovery on hold to help Merlin improve. But while we were in New York, Arthur was getting better, even though he still _wasn't_ happy. Because there wasn't happiness for him without having Merlin first and foremost. He's in _love_ with him, Morgana. It was like Nimueh said, his love for Merlin would remain if it was meant to. She wasn't taking his choices away from him. She said she didn't. He still _loves_ him.

 

Everything that Arthur's done while we were in New York with him. He only did and said everything that he thought we wanted to see and hear to get us away and he made himself believe it because there are few people that Arthur is able to lie to and it's not anyone of us. He will omit things and he will rephrase but he won't outright come out and lie. I know that about Arthur too. And so did Nimueh, that why she did all of her history on him too and worked with Arthur to get the rest. He talked your father into allowing him to stay. He broke it off with the one person that he's ever loved because he thought he was _never_ going to get better. He closed all doors to ensure that no one would figure it out until the deed was done. Timetable set in place for if he regresses again because the bottom line of it all. It's about his fear of being institutionalized too. Not just about his unrequited love that he's suffered through for the past seven years, not just about Merlin, not just about what Merlin did against his recovery, not just about you or your being overbearing and locking a twelve year old into a pact that still runs deep fifteen years later, and not just about everyone keeping his secret. The suicidal thoughts are based on his fear of being institutionalized and not only his loss of hopelessness for not having Merlin! He's mentally driving himself crazy with everything that he's been dealing with at once because all he can see at the end of it all for him, if he doesn't get better fast enough, is the mental ward! And it's making all of the good things look like it's not a possibility for him.” Gwaine ran a hand through his hair in anger and frustration. Fuck! He couldn't believe that he didn't see any of it! But he wouldn't have because he was never told the complete truth until now. He could only compare it to what he already knew about Arthur. “That's what he's acting on now. He's gotten better in all of those other ways to make us _think_ he is better because he appears to be. He probably thinks it too, he has to feel it, he has to know, but it hasn't happened fast enough or he still doesn't think he will completely recover. But he wouldn't have continued to close the door unless he was continuing to follow through with his plans if something didn't work. We chose _not_ to tell Arthur, well you chose, and I was the idiot that went along with it that Merlin was still in love with Arthur. That he wasn't completely moving on. That he was _dealing_ , and that he was coping. We allowed Arthur to think that Merlin was moving on and doing fine. Arthur filled in his own blanks on dating and having sex but and we allowed him to do so in favor of Arthur getting better and Merlin moving on too. We manipulated that situation between them and now Arthur has no reason for wanting to return back from this or to return to London. He wants Merlin to be happy but he wouldn't want to return to London to see it. Not while he was still in love with the one person he's never truly been able to have. And above all of that. He would want Merlin to continue to move on with his life. Because if Merlin is happy he would put that first above his own happiness. That's been their dynamic over the past thirteen years. And not seven. We all kept the secret of telling Merlin about Arthur's love for him and his depression. And now we are doing it again. Twice more. These secrets have to stop, Morgana!” Gwaine demanded, while shaking his head. It's probably how Arthur got that stupid idea about making them all swear a vow to keep his secret of his love and then his depression as a result of that said love in the first place! Between Morgana and that pact and Uther in keeping his secret about what he did to his own sister!

 

Morgana was floored and wasn't completely sure of the route to take next. She knew Arthur was doing better, she knew he had suicidal thoughts prior but she thought he was moving on from them. She didn't think he lost all complete hope of everything else. She thought back to their plans and contingency plans. She never thought Arthur would make a plan, a _real_ plan, of how he was going to commit suicide and how we was going to pull it off without hurting anyone else. She shouldn't have put it past him. His father didn't praise his mind for nothing. If only he knew what Arthur was thinking now. Because it was the most selfish thing she ever heard of in her life. And the sad thing about was it was it wasn't completely selfish at all. He was still putting everyone elses' feelings ahead of himself, he was still arranging for everyone to be taken care of. And he was trying to make the impact as easy as possible for all concerned. But what he failed to take into consideration was how much they all loved and cared about him. Like they would prefer everything he put in place to allow everyone to move on over having him?! She wanted to slap some sense into her brother. Their father really did a job on them in not allowing them to know the truth about their aunt. They never had the time to grieve properly for her loss and because of that he had them both scared shitless about any mental conditions, especially depression, in fear that he would take guardianship over them to lock them up in some institution. She was married. She was safe to some extent, unless something happened to Gwaine, and she had Arthur. But Arthur only had her. He was single. Their father could have taken him if he were to find out about Arthur's condition and he's been breathing down their throats even from London with his constant Skype calls and his lackey -- their own uncle -- Aggravaine floating around to dig up stuff on them.

 

Arthur was probably thinking it was only a matter of time, and if he wasn't 100% better, he wasn't coming back to London to place anyone at risk. And while he wasn't 100% he still held on to his stupid, idiotic plan to off himself if their father found out because being institutionalized was always a fate worse than a thousand deaths to Arthur. She swallowed hard in thought. But she still didn't know where Merlin fitted in all of this. Especially given his feelings towards their family. “What do you want me to say to him, Gwaine? He _hates_ me. He _hates_ my father. How can I tell him the truth about _everything_ when he's been doing nothing but slandering me in front of my friends for months?”

 

“First off, I don't think he hates you, Morgana. I think he was acting out of his feelings in thinking that he was going to lose Arthur. He handled a lot of things wrong. But it was out of his emotions. Not because he didn't want Arthur to get better. But I don't think he hates you. Just like I _know_ you don't hate him. Even though you've handled a lot of things wrong too and have said some negative things about Merlin along the way while you were worried about Arthur. But when it came to Arthur and his feelings for Merlin, if you hated Merlin you would have used those opportunities all along to persuade Arthur to fall _out_ of love with him. You never did that. You set up the support at the pub for Merlin when Arthur went away. Even though the whole thing didn't go as planned. And you never tried to influence Arthur's therapy to make Arthur fall out of love with Merlin either. Arthur was vulnerable over the past two years, he could have been open to it, but you've never done that. You tried to protect your brother the best way that you knew how and you didn't want to see him hurt. The only thing you have tried to tell Arthur, in regards to Merlin, was for him to see that Merlin wasn't a complete innocent in all of this as Arthur proclaimed that he was at first. That Merlin made mistakes too. You wanted Arthur to see that he was always placing Merlin first between them because you wanted Arthur to see that he shouldn't be. You wanted them both to be balanced. You never even told Merlin that you didn't want them to be together. You told Merlin that you didn't want him to hurt your brother. You claim they are unbalanced. And you were right, they are not balanced. Not by any means. They both have a lot of things to work on. But the reasons behind why they do what they do is still out of love. Whether it's the sacrificial love or the selfish kind of love. They just need to put the two together to make it work.

 

But where you and Merlin are concerned. I think you both have a lot of things to discuss that you haven't discussed and maybe Merlin may have acted differently once he came to his emotions and feelings for Arthur if, he knew the entire truth. I didn't know the entire truth at the time to know what was at stake and when I did I was able to see yours and Arthur's reasons more clearly. I know Merlin may not have been at the point to understand it before because he was still in psychotherapy himself with a hell of a lot to deal with along with dealing with his love for Arthur. But it's been months now, Morgana. And Merlin is smart, he's a big boy, he needs to know. You didn't tell me. I can't blame Arthur for it because he obviously lost control from the moment he fell into depression and was trying to hold himself together. None of us should have been listening to him then. And technically -- _we weren't_. We were listening to you on the best way to deal with Arthur because he was starting to fall apart. But it was you, who chose not to tell us everything that we were dealing with while we were all trying to help.” Gwaine held up a hand to stop Morgana. “I'm not saying this was your fault. There's not one of us that doesn't hold any blame here and it really doesn't matter now does it if Arthur offs himself anyway. We need to think logically and we need to come up with a plan. A solid plan. And yes, Merlin was wrong in getting Arthur to change his doctor's orders. It's obvious he needed all of it. We've established that too. It was wrong on every level and we know that Nimueh told us that he was acting out of fear. She filled in a lot of the blanks to help us to understand Merlin's condition as we didn't have much of a clue about it before. We tried to learn about it, but Merlin doesn't talk about that side of himself like that. Only the things he wants to highlight. Not the things that he can't control. But he didn't know the sense of urgency in what needed to be done to fix Arthur before Uther found out about his condition. Hell, Will said that Merlin just found out about Uther not knowing about Arthur's condition only recently and has been questioning it--”

 

“What?--”

 

“Yes, he's been questioning it--”

 

“How did you know--”

 

Gwaine raised a brow. “You are not the only one who can get information, Morgana. And since you've been withholding things from me too I wanted to know what was going on on the other side so I made some calls. And yes, Merlin has been questioning Gaius about hospitalization and getting Arthur re-evalua--”

 

“How dare he--” Morgana said angrily before getting interrupted by Gwaine.

 

“Morgana, Merlin didn't know that Arthur had been re-evaluated at the time. He didn't know a damn thing. Remember, you said not to tell anything about Arthur's condition unless Arthur said okay and he never did because he wanted everyone to move on and he didn't want Merlin to think he was ignoring only him. And in spite of what's been going on between Merlin and Arthur Merlin is still one of Arthur's best friends too. He's also the only person Arthur has ever loved romantically and he loves Arthur back. He does have certain rights in wanting to know what is going on with Arthur. And Arthur has confided in him too. It would have been different if they never declared their feelings but they both have. And Arthur hid things from Merlin because he didn't see an end out of his own situation. He thought he wasn't going to make it through his depression. And on the other side we have Merlin grasping for straws trying to figure out what the hell is going on like I did with you mind, and in Merlin's case it was because he _knows_ that Arthur is in love with him -- he feels that he is _still_ in love with him while we were on another continent at the time -- and he knows that Arthur wouldn't have broken up with him for nothing but the sorry reasons he gave to him. He was right! We were all in agreement of that, even Nimueh knew it and she guessed Arthur's reasons why even though he was trying to keep it to himself. Merlin has the right to know what's going on and he can choose then what he wants to do. But all of the secrets needs to stop. Including the one about your aunt.” Gwaine finished tiredly. His head was starting to pound. If he knew any of this was about to happen he wouldn't have even left New York without Arthur being on the plane with them! He would have packed Arthur's things and forced him on the plane himself! They can't trust him to be on his own for long if he's still thinking like he is. He groaned inwardly.

 

“The information about my aunt could destroy my father. It could destroy my family --”

 

“And that's more important than Arthur's life?” Gwaine asked in disbelief. Because he didn't understand that reasoning anymore. “Is it more important than Merlin never completely moving on either way with or without Arthur because he won't be able to let go of the past without knowing the truth?” Because the truth was about Merlin too now. It may not have been before but it is now.

 

Morgana sighed heavily. “We both have to give permiss--”

 

Gwaine was at his limit. “Arthur lost the _right_ to give permission the moment he pushed us all away in plans to end his life. He's been in therapy for four months Morgana. It was going to take longer because he doesn't want to be hospitalized or even do anything that involves hospitalization. but Nimueh assured that she could accomplish the same thing. And she has. He's getting better but not fast enough for himself. He tricked us to make us think he was getting better. He did everything that we asked him to do and said everything that he thought he wanted us to hear to make us think he was getting better. The undertone of everything that he said was that he loved Merlin more than his own life and that he wanted him to be happy. The other side of it was if he removed himself _everyone_ would be happy. That is not talk from someone who _thinks_ he is going to get completely better. That's talk from someone who has resigned himself to his fate. Whatever fate. Whether he get's better or not. He made sure that Merlin was more than financially independent with the money that he deposited in all of those accounts for him to choose what he wanted to do with it. He made sure that I knew your secret to watch out for you. He covered everything about where he himself fits in the equation like he _himself_ wasn't necessary to be part of that picture to make it work. That's not someone who has completely improved” Gwaine sighed heavily. “I don't think he will attempt to commit suicide now, because I do think he has improved, but I do think he would if he saw no other way out of his situation again. If he got worse to the point where your father _did_ notice. He's closing all of the doors to make sure that when he does what he does that we will all be able to move on without him. He needs help Morgana, he needs to finish his therapy, with support, and not in New York. He sent Nimueh away too because she's smart as a whip and would have continued to unravel Arthur's thought processes. She would have stayed in New York if that was Arthur's wish. He needs to come back here to finish his sessions with her. The depression brought it all about but the suicidal thoughts -- his plans -- sounds like it's been there before his depression on some level and woke up with the depression.” Gwaine thought those plans came right around the time Arthur found out about how his aunt Margaret died and right before his and Morgana's pact. He couldn't be sure, but he's known Arthur practically all of his life too and he wouldn't put it past him. Arthur did take the death of his aunt hard. He remembered that. He just didn't know the truth that surrounded how she died.

 

Morgana closed her eyes. “And where does Merlin fit in in all of this?”

 

Gwaine scowled at Morgana. “Have you been listening? Merlin is the only person that Arthur _will_ listen to. He's the only person that he has _ever_ listened to. Even over you, his therapist, and everyone else down to his father. It's another reason why Arthur sent him away. He's no fool. We were the ones that didn't tell Arthur how Merlin was really feeling. We allowed him to see that Merlin's moved on. He had no hope in this situation. Merlin had hope as he got through therapy. Hope that Arthur would be there for him in the end. Those first two weeks while Arthur was away, his focus was on Arthur, Will said. He used Arthur as his focal point to get better. Arthur sent him away once he was better, and made sure that Merlin hated him so he wouldn't fall into a depression from the breakup. It worked. Merlin was angry, hurt, and sad, but not depressed. And before that, when Merlin got depressed, Arthur placed his recovery on hold to help Merlin, when Merlin doubted Arthur's love for him, Arthur reaffirmed it. He's had Arthur all along. And that's what got him through because it gave him some hope to want to fight for himself. Arthur didn't have anything to raise his hopes once he got through his recovery. Merlin wasn't supporting him then remember? Arthur spent must of that time conflicted because he knew he needed to follow his own recovery process and knew that Merlin didn't want him to if it included him dating, meeting new people, or less time spent with him. Merlin started to try that week at the lake-house. And then we came, and you told him the news of your father -- which you've just told me about earlier -- that's what freaked Arthur out to force him to send Merlin away. Will said that Merlin noticed changes during the week. That was from your visit to your father before the trip wasn't it?” Morgana looked thoughtful but nodded in rememberance. “And while he was in New York, Arthur didn't even maintain relationships with his dates aside from friendships. He gave into Mordred for sex because Mordred tried each time, it wasn't even Arthur who made the first move -- no surprise there -- but a hand job to me is not really considered sex. He never allowed anything else with Mordred for a reason. And all it sounded like to me was that Arthur wanted some comfort. Arthur gave it a try -- like his therapy called for him to do -- but just like Nimueh said, if it wasn't meant for Arthur to fall for someone else he wasn't going to and that wasn't the purpose of him dating. And in the middle of that, he was closing off all doors, not building any new relationships aside from friendship while waiting for the axe to fall. The only person who knows Arthur well enough to bring him back from all of this Morgana is Merlin. Because that's the side of Arthur that doesn't want to give up.”

 

“But Merlin is recovering himself.” She didn't understand what the hell Gwaine was talking about. Merlin knew about Arthur's condition and didn't do anything to help him then until the week that he went away to go to the lake-house. All the rest of Merlin's time with Arthur was dedicated to him getting Arthur to date and for the additional time. He never even questioned anything about Arthur's recovery aside from how it applied to him until now. What makes Gwaine think that Merlin would make a difference now?

 

“Arthur's still in love him Morgana.”

 

“When did you talk to Arthur about all of this?”

 

“Last night, while you and Autumn were sleeping. I still had my doubts about leaving so we dranked like we normally did and I managed to get some things out of him. Things he wouldn't normally share if he was well guarded like he usually is.”

 

“Like his drunken confession.” Morgana nodded.

 

“And when we got him drunk to get him to confide in what was going on with him after you detected the weight loss. You know that was the only way to really get him to talk about the things that really hurt him until therapy that is. And Merlin's capable of doing it, even without the therapy, but he has to push Arthur to get him there.”

 

Morgana closed her eyes again. Gwaine placed her hand in his. “He talks to you too, you know that. You were the only one who saw anything that was going on with him. No one had a clue until you brought it to everyone's attention. But there's only so much your going to tell your big sister no matter how close you are, and he knows your pregnant too. He wouldn't want to do anything to hurt you or the baby. And don't think he doesn't shut Merlin out too. Will said that he does. That's another reason why Merlin is still in London and not in New York. But Merlin has the better opportunity because Arthur is in love with him. And he has never proven to not do anything for Merlin if Merlin's truly needed or wanted anything. I truly believe that if you two didn't have a pact to begin with Arthur would have told Merlin about his aunt already. He knows that you wouldn't have agreed which would explain why he's never _asked_ you to do it. That's me, speaking on behalf of Arthur, who is unable to truly speak for himself right now until he stops thinking crazy things like ending his life because he doesn't see an end to his situation.”

 

Morgana's eyes were glossy as she tried to weigh all options of what was said, what was done, and how her brother fits in it all. The only thing she ever wanted for him was for him to be healthy and happy. That was all. And she would do anything for that, even deal with someone who was blaming her for everything with no other reason aside from wanting to get her brother better and not wanting to see him hurt. She only hoped she wouldn't regret the decision. She signed. “Okay.”

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

“Merls!” Will yelled out as he opened the door to Merlin and Arthur's flat. He walked into the kitchen to grab a beer.

 

“Help yourself.” Merlin said as he walked down the hallway and saw Will in his refrigerator.

 

Will shrugged. “You'll be happy to see me when you hear what I have to say.”

 

“Well don't let it all out at once.” Merlin said while rolling his eyes, before shoving Will over to grab a beer himself.

 

“Ow!” Will said while rubbing his shoulder like he felt real pain. “I don't know if I _should_ tell you now --”

 

“Spit it out, Will.”

 

“Fine, take all of the fun out of it.” Will said before taking a swig of his beer to prolong the process. Merlin raised a brow. “Alright, two things. Leon intercepted a call for Uther today when he found out that Arthur was on the line at Pendragon --”

 

“What did he say? Is he alright? Is he still depressed? Did he have another breakdown? Is he coming--”

 

“All right, all right. One question at a time. First of all, he was stunned to talk to Leon, he wasn't expecting the call to be intercepted. Secondly, he said he was doing alright but Leon said that he didn't sound like himself. Leon's been Arthur's best friend too for a long time and he worked as Arthur's PA for years. He knows what to look for and anything lacking Morgana schooled him on to keep up pretenses. He said that Arthur didn't sound right. No, he said that he didn't have another breakdown. If you didn't tell us about that Leon wouldn't have known what to ask. And Leon's work assignment is about to change in answer to your last question.”

 

Merlin slumped into his chair at the kitchen island. “He really isn't coming home.” His said softly. His chest tightened.

 

Will took a seat beside him and sat his beer on to island top. “No,” he said just as softly, “Leon's going to become Morgana's personal assistant for a while --”

 

Merlin raised a brow. “What happened to Candice?”

 

“She's being moved to work in the online department. Uther doesn't sound very happy about it Leon said. That's why the switches are temporary, I think he's going to try and convince Arthur himself to come back to London. Arthur pitched good reasons for why he should stay --”

 

“Arthur wanted this?” Merlin's brows were furrowing. His tone was hoarse. It was a one thing to speculate that Arthur wasn't coming back to London, it was another thing to know for certain and this was knowing for certain. And it stung.

 

“He told his father, well, this is coming from Uther to Leon, you know that Uther's been pressing everyone who is close with Arthur at Pendragon about what's been going on with Arthur right?”

 

Merlin shook his head. No he didn't know.

 

“Well I must have missed that part. Leon and Lance have been asked several times about Arthur, before he left, how he seemed, did they notice anything different, his weight loss, etc. --”

 

“He's trying to figure it out.” Merlin mumbled. If Merlin was _able_ to figure out what the hell Uther was _trying_ to figure out then maybe they both would be happy because he's been trying to figure out everything from the time Arthur broke up with him with no success. All doors closed and it's not like he's going to try to contact Morgana himself. She'd probably hang up on him. He'd have to wait until they came back to London to talk with her directly.

 

'Trying to figure out what?” Will asked, unaware of Merlin's inner thoughts.

 

“He's trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with Arthur. It's Uther, Will. You said that Arthur and Morgana's never told him about his depression. But Arthur symptoms were obvious, I'm the one who missed it. But I wouldn't say that Uther missed it. Uther watches his children like a hawk. He let them have their own lives, he didn't overly interfere, but he always knew what was going on in their lives. That's why he allowed everyone to come over to the mansion. Even me. Because he wanted to know what his kids were up to and with whom. Arthur and Morgana always saw Uther at least twice a week. They called him frequently for check ins and he always knew where they were and what they were doing.”

 

“I don't remember him being that bad.”

 

“He wasn't,” Merlin said while turning his head to Will. “At least they had a father who cared about them. Whether he was overprotective or not he never hit them, never abused them, and never made them feel like they were less than. Even if he always hated me I won't take that away from him. Uther is a good father.”

 

“So what's the point in what your getting at?” Will had to ask. While hating the fact that Merlin had to go through that abuse from his father.

 

Merlin raised a brow. Questionably. “The point is Uther knows something is wrong with Arthur because he knows his kids, he just doesn't know what and no one is telling him. That's why he pulled Lance, Leon, and probably anyone else at Pendragon that he thinks is close to Arthur. He wanted to use pressure on them because he is their boss to squirm the truth out of them.”

 

“Do you really--”

 

“Yes, I really think he would go that far for the information. Especially if he noticed Arthur's weight loss. And he probably regrets his decision of approving Morgana and Arthur's six month stay in New York too because it's biting him in the arse now if having his heir stay in New York is anything to show for it.” Merlin said while taking a sip of his beer.

 

Merlin's emotions were closed off on his face but Will could imagine that he was only trying to cover it up. But that only comes from knowing Merls since they were three. To someone else, it would look like Merls wasn't showing concern and was detached. “Do you think he'll find out?” Will asked concerned. He knew that Arthur feared his father finding out about his depression. Something Sophia said about being locked up in the Pendragon mansion or something... Will was trying to think, because Merls did have a point in wondering why they didn't tell Uther. It's been two years now since they've known of Arthur's depression and yet Arthur's father never found out. It was strange now in that light.

 

Merlin swallowed hard. “I think if they're not careful, then he will. When is Morgana and Gwaine coming back?”

 

“They are on a plane right now heading back to London.” Will grabbed the bag of chips Merlin had at the center of the island top, opening the bag, unaware of Merlin's glare while Will was opening the bag and taking a handful. “Why?”

 

Merlin shook his head at Will. “Because she's the only person who I have a chance of getting some answers from.”

 

Will chewed thoughtfully. “You don't want to wait for Arthur?” Because Will didn't think Morgana would be very forthcoming with giving Merlin the information that he needed to know but he knew that Merlin could get it out of Arthur. If he stuck it out and wore Arthur down. Arthur wouldn't be able to fight him because he loves Merlin too much to fight him for long. Eventually, he would have given in.

 

“Wait for him how, Will? He doesn't want to see me, he doesn't want to talk to me. Mordred's been taking monthly trips to see Arthur, but somehow Arthur's managed to block my calls. He took Morgana, Gwaine, Autumn, and Nimueh with him to New York and closed off every avenue I had to find out about him because Morgana only says that he's coping. And yes, Gwaine called you to check up on me and to see what I was up to but he wasn't very over-sharing in saying what was going on with Arthur. The only person who's spoken to Arthur in the past five months to get information from was Leon, today, and that was by accident for Arthur because Leon intercepted the call. Arthur, doesn't _want_ to be bothered right now.”

 

“You don't--”

 

“Know that?” Merlin finished for Will while raising a brow. “I _know_ Arthur, Will. Thirteen years of Arthur. He _is_ my best friend. He's yours too but he's closest with me. I've seen Arthur screen people out of his life before. Close them off and not like back if they've hurt him. I'm not saying that he did that to me, or that I hurt him, but I am saying that he is screening everyone off for a reason.”

 

“And you noticed this?”

 

“I know I suck at the noticing things. I know I messed up with not noticing Arthur's depression before or how bad he was even when he tried to tell me before and after he came back from the resort. I know that I messed up as a friend. But on this,” Merlin placed his hand on the kitchen island top like he needed to touch something tangible. “I can see it. It may have taken me a while but I've focused on nothing else since we went to that lake-house together and Morgana told me what to look for to help Arthur when he wasn't eating. And I don't know why I didn't see how badly Arthur was ill aside from thinking that Arthur was always the strong one for me. He comforted me, he protected me, I never thought about Arthur needing comfort and protecting too until he told me. I should have realized it. And I can't blame my condition on that because I turned a lot of things off because my mind was focused on one thing, and that was not losing Arthur. It may have been centered around my fear, but I also knew when Arthur was hurt and I set it aside in favor of having Arthur in the end and being jealous. And I knew I would face the consequences for that I just didn't think losing Arthur would have been one of those consequences. And now, now, I have to go to the one person who hates me throughout all of this, the one person I've been blaming all along too for Arthur and I not being together, to find out why the hell Arthur's been acting the way that he has and to find out if his health has shown any improvement --”

 

“Morgana's never hated you, Merlin --”

 

“I blamed her, Will, for taking Arthur away from me. I heard from Arthur himself that he gave consent when he came back from the resort and I still blamed her for it. I've been talking about her to the lot just as much as she's been talking about me, but I started the whole thing by blaming her first --”

 

“So your trying to say you've seen the error of your ways?” Will asked cheekily. He didn't think it was all of either of their faults. He thought they were both seeing things with different focuses in mind at the time. And considering the seriousness of the situation, it sparked a battle. He thought they needed to have it out and get the things that needed to be said -- said, and off of their chests -- for good.

 

“I'm trying to say that it's taken me five months to process everything about Morgana and to remember that she's always loved me over the years and that she started changing when Arthur got depressed two years ago. But she was upset when he had his breakdown, and angry after that time at the pub. I blamed her for doing nothing but watching her brother and we both set a feud amongst the lot. They took her side because she was Arthur's sister and Arthur was away because of his nervous breakdown. They knew of my condition but because I didn't have any outward signs of it or a need to be sent away, they focused more on Arthur. Did it make them right? No. But they thought they were doing what was best. Did it make them right by taking sides? Hell no! Did it make it right that they had to be told to see the error of their ways? By Arthur -- who was ill himself? No. No, it didn't make it right. He wanted them to support us both. Mithian told me about that. And I'm not going to dwell on that because the lot apologized several times in regards to what's happened and I'm not perfect either. Not even close. I've made lots of mistakes over the years and they've forgiven me for it so what kind of friend would I be if I didn't do the same? But as far as Morgana and I, we kept on going about it. I was just as bad, though I'm sure that she topped me because she is a Pendragon and they can be more vengeful if you lash out at them but I can't say that I was a victim in this because I wasn't. Dr. Monmouth and I established that the things that I did was about choice, after my emotions and everything came to the surface. He's already established that I will have to make an effort, everyday, until it get's easier to work on those tendencies that I developed -- and traits that I already had -- while trying to mentally protect myself from my father and those bullies of the past and present. My shields, my walls, weren't meant to repel Arthur as strongly as it did when I blocked my feelings off for Arthur. It was meant to stop _me_ from making stupid mistakes like coming on to him, declaring my feelings for him, and to not misread anything from Arthur for anything more than friendship. But I closed him off so completely.” Merlin nibbled on his inner cheek. “It was meant to protect our friendship. And _I_ hurt him anyway. That's not his fault. And believe me, Arthur's has some things that he and I _will_ talk about when I see him again, but it's not about that. Or about how we lived our lives for most of our years together. We both slid into our roles. We both decided to be more comfortable with each other and we both made mistakes. But I won't regret having that time with Arthur where he comforted me because it was everything that I needed after years of abuse and bullying. I won't regret those years.”

 

His Merls was growing up. Will thought to himself. He hadn't had to do any reminders of anything to force Merlin to see in months. And Merlin was finally opening up. That meant that short time with Arthur, his plans to support Merlin and to help him to process the feelings of the past, did some good too along with his psychotherapy because Merlin wasn't opening up to anyone else until he took time to himself once he returned from the lake-house. Merlin has been doing his exercises of processing how he affected other people's lives by his and how he could have done things differently if he thought about things objectively, without putting himself on the defense or always protecting himself first, all on his own now. “I noticed that Morgana been very quiet over the past month or so too. She wasn't saying much while they were away about you unless prompted when they were trying to find out why Arthur stopped talking to you, why he broke up with you, but she really didn't add anything derogatory about it and she didn't say anything over the past month. And you've calmed down too.” Because Merls was on a roll for a while too. He was talking to everyone he came in contact with. He saw Morgana as an enemy towards him, for taking Arthur away, even though he knew that she was trying to help Arthur. Not that Morgana was an innocent in all of this. Surely not. There had to have been a better way to handle all of this. But they knew that she was doing what she needed to do to protect Arthur. And to get him better. But things were starting to calm down now, on all fronts. The only thing that was missing was Arthur in their bunch, along with Morgana, Gwaine, and Autumn. Will hoped things would get better all around. They've all known each other for a long time and he hoped Morgana and Merls would get things off of their chests and talk it out. Along with getting some answers because Merls was going around the bin trying to get answers to no avail.

 

That stopped Merlin for a moment as he placed his beer on the island top. “Yeah, I know. Gaius told me what he could tell me. It sounded like Arthur wasn't doing good for a while there. I think it's been quiet on their front because Morgana's worried about Arthur.”

 

“You still mad at Gaius?” Will had to ask. He had never seen Merls more livid than when he came back from his visit with Gaius. He didn't think Merls was going to forgive Gaius anytime soon for the way he didn't give him anything to go by where Arthur was concerned.

 

Merlin swallowed, before running a hand through his hair. He nibbled on his bottom lip for a moment. “I can't _not_ forgive him after all the things I'm expecting everyone to forgive me for. Condition or not. I get a pass yeah, the lot's been great, but not everything was based on my condition. You know it, I know it, Arthur knows it, and Morgana knows it. Pretty much everyone knows it and after the fallout, every ones been accepting of it. Morgana, not so much, but her reasons are based on Arthur. With that being said, I am still angry at a lot of people, even you too Will, for not telling me about Arthur's depression or his feelings for me. Arthur, I've already told my feelings about that too. I told him that from day one that he should have told me. Whether it would have made a difference or not it was something I _needed_ to know. But we are talking about Arthur's depression here. Where are talking about how sick he became and how he's prone to suicidal thoughts. No one thought that I should have _told_ about that? I _lived_ with him for god sakes and no one thought I should have known?! He was _sick_ because he was in love with _me_. He fell in love with _me._ He tried to give me signs, gigantic signs that anyone _without_ a condition would have been able to see perfectly and yet he tried to give those signs to me. The one person on the planet who wouldn't be able to see it. Who would have loved to see it.” Merlin whispered that last sentence before clenching his jaw. “You guys didn't know of my condition. Hell, I didn't know of my condition! No, you didn't know about my abuse from my father, the extra beatings, and taunting words from the bullies, but who was to say I would have had a condition from it? Everyone deals with things differently. I'm not even talking about it for the sake of my condition, I'm talking about watching a friend fall deeper and deeper into depression and the one person who could have possibly made a difference, _my person!_ ” Merlin shrieked, while he punched himself in the chest. Will flinched. “my _person_ , continued to fall into depression because everyone wanted to keep a fucking vow. I don't think I'll _ever_ understand that.” Merlin said while shaking his head.

 

Will swallowed hard. “We were trying to keep our word to Arthur. He never wanted us to know about his feelings for you--”

 

“But you did,” Merlin said calmly, he didn't feel calm, “everybody did, and I looked like a fool because no one bothered to tell me so I guess the joke was on me.” He wanted to laugh but it really wasn't that funny. The joke was apparently on him for a very long time. “And in the meantime, everyone else continued to watch Arthur get sick because they wanted to stick to their _word_.” Merlin said 'word' with bitterness. “A _word_ that shouldn't have meant anything as soon as Arthur fell into depression.” Merlin tugged his hair hard. “I remember, the night before the next morning, when I _tried_ to make Arthur breakfast and he panicked on me -- and not _only_ because of my cooking -- when I confronted him. When I wanted to know what was wrong with him, because Arthur has _never_ distanced himself like he was starting to do from _me_. It was at the pub. I just broke up with... I don't even remember his name. It doesn't matter.” Merlin shook his head. “I asked _everyone_ \-- _I brought it to the floor_ \-- if they noticed _anything_ wrong with Arthur.” Merlin got up from his seat and started to pace. “When he got up abruptly and went to the loo. Everyone said he was fine. Morgana said that he ate something that disagreed with him. And Gwaine -- Gwaine! -- went after him. And then, when Arthur left, just as fast, I was going to go after him -- _I would have, I even offered_ \-- but Morgana said that she would tend to to her brother.” Merlin pressed the bridge of his nose. “Yes, I missed a hell of a lot, but when I asked. _Everyone_ lied to me about it! And I know what I said that hurt Arthur that night, because he _told_ me about it, it broke his heart. I felt it in him when he told me about it. About what my words did to him even though I didn't realize what an impact my words had on him at the time. And everyone knew but no one bothered to _tell_ me. They just let me sit there while my best friend thought that I didn't care about him at all.” Merlin shook his head and turned to look at Will. “You weren't there that night. But I did ask, and I remember saying that I was worried about him. No one gave me _anything_. Everyone said they were waiting on me to notice something -- well -- there was the _something!_ It may have been late but it was something and no one bothered to tell me _anything_. And forget about me noticing. Let's not forget that once Arthur got sick, his word should have been null and void in favor of telling me and getting him better.

 

Everyone is so quick to say that I am the source of Arthur's unrequited love, and I _want_ to help him -- just like he's always helped me since the first day that I met him -- shouldn't I know what I need to do to help him too? Shouldn't I know the truth?” Merlin took a deep breath. “So, in answer to your question. I forgive Gaius for the things that are bound in doctor/patient confidentiality. I know the rules. I can't talk about my patients either and Gaius has been the family doctor for the Pendragon's until I was fourteen. It's also understandable that the Pendragon's would continue to seek Gaius for guidance due to their long history. Do I forgive him for telling Uther about my condition? I understand his reasons, I'll have to forgive him because he's my uncle, but it doesn't mean that I have to forget it and that I won't be reminded of it every time Uther Pendragon sees me because he hates me for being with his son!” Merlin swallowed hard. “I don't care what Gaius says on that I know that he does! Morgana may not, she used to step in when people messed with me at those functions in the past, everyone tried to stop what they saw or heard, they just didn't know about everything until you brought that out -- Arthur was sure to tell me that --” Merlin raised a brow at Will, Will was unashamed for that, “-- but I think that Uther does.” He chewed his inner cheek for a moment. “With that being said, with Gaius being tied under doctor/patient confidentiality, when he was told of Arthur's depression, when Morgana sought help, he could have told me that Arthur was in love with me. And he could have told me to look after Arthur because he was going through a lot. He could have pointed me in the right direction. My mum, bound under no obligation of doctor/patient confidentiality, could have told me the truth. Everyone else could have told me the truth. And everyone waited until everything went to hell in a hand-basket and blamed me for it like I could have done something differently! Like Arthur was all _my_ responsibility. Except for the fact that I didn't know what I was responsible for! Because nobody told me anything!” Merlin was shouting by the time he finished. Will swallowed hard. Merlin took a few deep breaths to calm himself down before he continued. “Granted, I should have seen. But everyone else should have _known_ that they shouldn't have sat on a secret like that for so long.” Merlin raised a hand. “And I know, you were angry at me too when you found out about my dad. I should have said something when you always tried to get me to talk. And I lied to you over and over too. I lied to everyone who asked me questions about the bullying. I lied to Arthur several times over too to cover it up. I am _not_ trying to make myself a saint, but I am saying that there's blame to go around and Arthur could have made it through his depression a hell of a lot better and a whole hell of a lot sooner than he has if one person managed to break their stupid vow for one moment in favor of telling me what was going on. Especially, when I _asked_ about it.” Merlin sucked in a breath, before grabbing his beer off the island top and taking a huge swig of it.

 

Will was silent, for a few minutes before he said anything. His tone was contrite when he did. “I'm sorry.” He raised a hand to stop Merlin from speaking. “I'm sorry. I was trying to help in the best way that I knew how, I hated that vow but I stuck with it because it wasn't affecting you. I tried to get Arthur to tell you every time I saw him or to do _something_. Whether to move on or tell you because if he moved on and you never noticed it wouldn't have affected you either. But we know now that him leaving is what set you off. I tried to give you massive hints and I ended up telling you when you and Arthur had that fight but I should have told you about it when I _knew_ about it. I shouldn't have kept that vow.”

 

Merlin shook his head. “I didn't tell you to blame you. I think there's enough blame going around. Arthur's to blame too, for keeping that from me and for forcing everyone else to do the same, but he's admitted that already. And several times over. And I know he still thinks about what could have been done differently. I know there's some resentment for the past seven years, I am not a fool. And even if I had reasons to justify most of my actions, seven years is a long time to go through things to expect him to forgive me for everything within a few months. Whether he loves me or not.” Merlin ran a hand through his hair. “I forced the time. It was my fear of not wanting to lose him that forced the time and the dating and he was still suffering from depression. I didn't focus on it. That was my mistake. Even if Arthur told me that he didn't have any resentment whatsoever I would be a fool to believe him for that. He's only human. I don't care how great of a man he is. It was my fault that I placed him on a pedestal of someone who could do no wrong in the first place. I set a bar for him so high and when he fell from it I couldn't see it because I already placed him in a category of safe, loved, protected, and _mine_ . I idealized the person that Arthur was and turned him into something else in my own mind. I set the bar. He didn't do that. I did it. When you have a father that made everyday of your life a living hell and bullies who did the same and you meet someone who treats you like the best thing since the invention of electricity and treats you like you are loved and adored, you place them in a category. And you hold on tight. I did that. Not him. And he's always _seen_ me, but the one time he needed me to see him in return -- I failed him.” Merlin covered his face with his hands to make sure he caught any weyward tears. He didn't need for Will to be worried about him. He was doing fine. Well -- as fine as he was going to be right now. The only thing that bothered him right now was Arthur. Because he knew that something was not right. And he allowed Arthur to send him away knowing that, without, getting down to the bottom of it. He let his anger get the best of him where cooler heads would have prevailed. He could have gotten the truth out of Arthur. And Arthur, Arthur knew _exactly_ what he was doing to prevent that from happening. He knew how to push him away and what buttons to push. He just never used that technique before against _him_. Merlin sighed inwardly. He should have seen it for what it was. And he should have fought harder.

 

Will shook his head while watching Merlin cover his face. He knew he was blaming himself for a lot of things that were probably not his fault. “You didn't fail him, Merls. He was going through things, he probably still is. That's what you go through when you go through depression and everyone deals with it differently. They may have case studies, they may have symptoms, treatments, but Arthur went through his depression a long time _before_ he accepted the help --”

 

“And he denied the help because he didn't want me to know --” Merlin knew the truth about that.

 

“And it was his _choice_ , Merls.” Because it needed to be said. Will ran a hand through his hair. “No one blamed you for that. You can't blame yourself for that either. All you are going to do is sit around wondering what you could have done differently. The bottom line is there's _nothing_ that could have been done differently now because what's done is done. The question is what do you want to do now?”

 

Five months later, and he still loved Arthur with the same intensity as he did before. He maybe angry at Arthur for sending him away, for not telling him the truth, but he still loved him. Merlin lowered his hands from his face, his eyes were glossy. “I still _want_ him. I _love_ him --”

 

“But you are _dating_ now, Merls, you've been dating what -- Carl? For the past two weeks--”

 

Merlin grimaced. Almost forgetting. “You _know_ as well as I do that Carl means _nothing_ to me. I like to date and I like sex. This is not news! Dr. Monmouth has been warning me for using sex as a coping mechanism and maybe I am.” Merlin shook his head. “No, I don't think I am.” He answered Will's unanswered question when he raised a brow. “But I've been trying with what I had, and doing the best that I could to make things good for myself when life decided to suck for me. But don't bother saying that you didn't know that Carl meant nothing to me.”

 

Will grinned. He wanted Merls to see that for himself and to question whether he was using sex as a coping mechanism. “But you still don't know why Arthur's broken up with you--”

 

“I know that Arthur _lied_ to me. I know that he _never_ told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore and he never said that he didn't want to be with me anymore. I know that he said that he wanted me to move on, to be happy, and to date. I know that he never said that he was going to do the same. He never mentioned anything about being happy for himself or that he would be moving on. And the dating, he never mentioned that for himself either. The only thing that I know he has to do is date for his recovery. I also know that he likes to do things to protect me. Like make sure that I have enough money for the rest of my life even though I am a doctor and need to start being able to take care of myself--”

 

“What?!” Will shrieked. He knew about the money. He didn't realize how high the sums were.

 

“Oh, I've been doing some research too. And between the sums of all of that money that Arthur left in all of those accounts, if I were to take it out, which he left authority for me to do too, it would be enough money to set me for the rest of my life.” Merlin finished, his tone detached. He didn't know what the hell to think of that. He's always accepted Arthur's money over the years. Never once did he question it. His only real comment in the beginning was in telling Arthur that he more than likely would never be able to repay him for it and Arthur telling him that he wouldn't ask him to. And Arthur never did. But that was in the beginning. He didn't have the money then. And Arthur was being his best friend like he's always been his best friend. He helped him. They were both comfortable with their arrangement. They never questioned it. But, he should have thought about it himself once he finished medical school. That was his time to think about it once he could afford it. He should have done something. Arthur would have done whatever Merlin wanted if, Merlin had enough money to pay without hurting himself -- if he told Arthur to. Arthur would have allowed him to pay something. But if he didn't _say_ anything... Arthur probably wouldn't have thought anything of it. They got so comfortable that things got left the way that they were from the beginning. It was something to think about. He would have had to of been the one to make that change. Arthur offered the help in the beginning, he wouldn't have thought to bring the subject back to the table -- unless it bothered him -- when he held his end of the bargain. And Arthur was one who kept his word, he wouldn't have changed it. If there was going to be a change it was meant for him to have invoked it. It was something that he would have to think about. And something that he and Arthur would _need_ to talk about if Merlin could ever _pin_ Arthur in the same room with him again. Because once he does... For now, he allowed the rent, and his psychotherapy sessions to continue to be paid the way Arthur had it set, but he hadn't touched the flat account since.

 

“Well fuck me.” Will said in shock.

 

“Sorry, I don't do incest,” Merlin responded -- to the only brother he would ever have unless his mum met someone new and true -- as he walked back over to his seat, Will slapped him on the head. “Ow!”

 

“Shut it you.” Will raised his right forefinger at Merlin, watching Merlin rub the back of his head. “You know what I mean. Why would he do that?”

 

“He's not planning on coming back.” Merlin said while scratching his jaw.

 

“We established that already.” Will retorted and raised a brow when Merlin scowled at him.

 

“You know what I mean. He was making sure that I had everything that he thought I needed because he's not planning on seeing me again.” Merlin said solemnly. Because he came to that realization a while ago before he thought about Arthur's intentions and realized what he needed to do. It still didn't stop him from wanting to punch Arthur right in that beautiful mug of his.

 

Will was about to pick up his beer and placed it back on the kitchen island. “That doesn't make sense.”

 

“I know--”

 

“No, Merls, you don't know.” Will said while shaking his head. “You didn't see Arthur over the past seven years. You didn't know that he was in love with you. I did. He _is_ in love with you. There hasn't been anyone that he's even _looked_ at in the way that he looks at you. Even when he was straight, he never looked at his girlfriends in the way that he would look at you when you would walk into a room. Or if you made him laugh, or did something nice for him. He just didn't know what it was then -- obviously -- but those closest to you two did. And some of his girlfriends too because they would be jealous of you. They never said anything to Arthur, but Morgana and I could tell by looking at them and the way they would look at you during those encounters. They knew. And you, you haven't dated _anyone_ who looks at you with the love and admiration that Arthur beholds you with. He loves _everything_ about you, Merls. Even the things he wishes he probably could change he loves about you. And anything less than that, he loves you with such a fierceness that it would eventually cover it if it didn't cover it immediately. Not saying that you're perfect, because your not -- nobody is --” Will rolled his eyes when Merlin glared at him, basically telling him to get to the point. “But what I am saying is that Arthur loves you for who you are. And yes, he's been going through some changes -- he pined for seven years of his life and fell into a depression for an unrequited love only to find out when he was _finally_ going to give up that his love wasn't so unrequited after all when he triggered your feelings by leaving. He found out that things may have been different if you hadn't closed off your feelings for him, that you blocked yourself off from fully seeing him -- really seeing him -- to notice his signs, when you declared your love. There's also the point that he would have had to _leave_ you to _trigger_ your feelings for him because that's how you blocked it. That's what you told him and your doctor confirmed it. And it was all done because you wanted to keep your friendship. And you just said it yourself, you didn't get any alarms signs until Arthur started to majorly distance himself from you. That's when you started to pay attention and that's when you questioned it.” Will raised a hand to stop Merlin from talking. “Some of it was your condition but a good chunk of it was you too. You admitted that already and so did Dr. Monmouth. And no ones blaming you for that because none of you knew what was happening between you over the seven years as a result of that. Arthur just saw himself getting rejecting more and more, falling deeper in love, and later you found yourself days before it all went to hell trying to figure out what was going on. But did you not think he would have affected by hearing all of that? There's no man in the world that wouldn't have been affected by hearing all of that. And yet, all he asked for was time and to support you through your condition. That's is not someone who would have gotten over you so quickly, that is someone who is still in love with you and needing time to process it all.

 

And yes, Arthur should have told you that he loved you, even if it wouldn't trigger your feelings for him. He didn't know that at the time anyway because he didn't know of your condition. He should have told you. But it would have hurt him if he didn't get a favorable response from you based on love or if you dumped him later because you didn't have feelings for him, I'm sure that you know that.” Merlin swallowed hard and nodded. Will ran a hand through his hair. “It still doesn't matter. We were all still wrong because I got your other message loud and clear too. If we had told you you would have known and you could have helped Arthur with his depression and he would have gotten the help because you would have forced him to get the help. And you are right. We knew that he listened to you and he always placed you first but we didn't think about that above keeping Arthur's secret. And we couldn't tell you about the depression without telling you about the love.” Will rubbed his chin. “I'm rambling. We should have told you anyway. You had the right to know, and Arthur could have gotten better sooner even if he would have hated all of us for it --”

 

“He wouldn't have hated you, Will.” Merlin was quick to say but he wasn't so sure, specially if Arthur went through such an extreme to make sure that he didn't know. Especially if he found out about Arthur's love and he returned Arthur's feelings based on their friendship and everything that Arthur feared. Especially if he ended dumping Arthur like he'd done all of his other boyfriends. Merlin groaned loudly.

 

Will's raised brow at Merlin showed that he knew exactly what Merlin was thinking and that he couldn't agree with him more. He shook his head before continuing, not even acknowledging Merlin's comment. “The difference between you and Arthur -- this time when you found out what was wrong you were already in a doctors office and you began treatment. Arthur suffered severe depression for a year and a half _without_ accepting treatment. Your declaration wouldn't have been able to have changed everything for Arthur at that moment. If it was done prior, yes, but then...” Will sighed. “It was probably everything that he wanted to hear. Everything that he dreamed of hearing. But he needed time to process it all and he needed the help to recover. And you may not have noticed it then, but he has a lot of things on his plate that he probably hasn't even addressed. He's a little messed up right now and not just because of his depression but because of everything. And yes, he's been up and down and distant over that month you had together but what could you expect? Honestly? He only just got back from the resort. It was a quick fix _before_ he went for his therapy and through recovery process. And then he placed it on hold. That means all of his emotions were out of whack because he still had a whole lot of excess baggage to deal with. And a month, two months, three months even, would not be enough to cover the treatment he will have to go through. He refused help for too long because he didn't want you to know about his love for you unless he knew that you felt something for him too. Until he knew you could see his signs or heard his words. And then he placed his recovery on hold to help you with yours even accepting the dating and the additional time. So no, you didn't get to see all of the things that we saw because you didn't know about it over the past seven years. He loves you like no other. All of the signs, everything that he's said and done leads to how much he loves you. Do you think he would have placed his recovery on hold for just _anyone_? Arthur's good and noble but he's not a saint. Do you think he would have agreed to the dates and the additional time for someone else when he knew it would cost him even further delay in his recovery? Do you even think that Morgana would have? Hell no! She did it because she knew that Arthur was in love with you and she had no control over him when it came down to you to talk him out of it. You had the control. Why do you think she's been so forceful? And yes, she was upset because she saw that Arthur needed that treatment because he placed himself on hold for so long in the beginning while he was waiting for you to see him. He denied he was ill at first and protested the treatment when she called him on his bullshit. But he loves you, Merlin. More than everything. That's why everyone says that he's always placing you first. You are always the first thing in his thoughts and the first thing that comes out of his mouth or somewhere in there when he makes a decision. There is no way that he would just decide that he didn't want that. There has to be more to it.” Will said while shaking his head.

 

“I know that he loves me, Will. That was the one thing that he couldn't lie to me about in his spill as to why we couldn't be together. He couldn't say it because it wasn't something that he _could_ lie to me about. He omitted things in his speech. Like the real reason why he didn't want to be with me. But it wasn't because he didn't love me and it wasn't because he didn't want to be with me so I know, your preaching to the choir here. I know exactly how Arthur feels about me and when I was uncertain at the Christmas Party, he made sure that I knew. He saw me. It has nothing to do with his love for me and everything to do with something else. Something he's protecting me from and something he doesn't want me to know.” Merlin said thoughtfully. “I've had months to think about it and I know that for a fact. It's why Arthur probably blocked my calls, to make me hate him more -- to force me to move on -- and _not_ to face me to have me call him on his bullshit reasons for breaking up with me and demanding the truth out of him because he knows he wouldn't be able to lie to me about the important stuff if I pushed him hard enough. That's why he refused to say anything else.”

 

Will didn't know what to say about that. He was trying to think about why Arthur broke up with Merls too and he kept coming back at level zero. You don't pine for someone for seven years, finally get the opportunity to have them, only to throw it away. Nothing about that added up. Especially when he knew how much Arthur loved Merls. There was something more to it. He nibbled his lower lip in thought for a minute before asking. “So when are you going to see Morgana?”

 

“Tonight.” Merlin said as he clenched his jaw.

 

“And do you think she's going to tell you anything?”

 

“Morgana and I maybe going through things. We may be blaming each other for things but there is one thing matters to her most and that's her family. And if Arthur is still going through something. If there's something that's bothering him? Something that needs to be said that can change anything. She _would_ tell me.”

 

“She didn't tell you about Arthur's depression.” Will thought he'd point out.

 

“Arthur asked her not to then. I've already said my feelings about that stupid vow. And she did everything in her power to make sure that he got the help including sending him away, moving him out, and arranging a six month stay in New York. She would move the moon if she had to in order to get Arthur help. He's her only brother and they are close as thieves. She saw me as someone who would hurt Arthur. Someone who has hurt Arthur before. And someone who pushed against his recovery. Her methods, questionable. But her reasons, her reasons were because of Arthur. If she loves her brother the way that I know that she does then she will tell me what the hell is going on.” Merlin said with a surety.

 

“And after?”

 

“And after?” Merlin clenched his jaw. “I think I'm going to take some vacation days to visit a certain blonde _prat_ to give him a piece of my mind. Then, I'm going to get the truth out of him. And he _will_ tell it to me.” Merlin nibbled his lower lip. “Just as soon as Morgana gives me an address.” Merlin said, a tone of anger underlying his words.

 

“Remember, he's still suffering from depression.” Will was quick to say.

 

Merlin scowled at Will. “He's not a baby, Will. He's depressed. He's dealing with a whole lot of other shit too. I know. So am I. But that's irrelevant. This is between me and Arthur and he _will_ talk to me. And he'll do it, because I'm not going to give him a choice in the matter. We have things to discuss that we never addressed and he will speak to me about them. Like him lying to me. Whatever it is he's keeping from me. Him breaking up with me and the way that he did--”

 

“Mordred?” Will thought he'd prepare Merlin on all fronts.

 

Merlin raised a brow. “What can I say about Mordred? You just _reminded_ me of Carl! I've been dating the whole time for a little over three months and I've had plenty of sex. I know Mordred bragged about what he and Arthur did and made it sound magical. I knew he would have tried. But a hand-job is _nothing_ in comparison to what they could have done. I'm only surprised Arthur didn't do more.” Merlin said with a huff. It did hurt. But Will didn't need to know that. Arthur having sex and him having sex was too different things not even compared on the same stratosphere. Arthur didn't date anyone that he didn't think he _could_ like, they had to be friends, and he hasn't had sex with anyone in years. He knew it by the way Arthur's body responded to his. He knew by the way Arthur opened up to him when he held Arthur in his arms. He also knew that he could have taken Arthur. Whether it was in their flat when they kissed, on on the dock floor at the lake-house, or when they slept together on New Years. He could have had Arthur at any time and it wouldn't have been just a meezly hand job. Arthur would have given him himself. Merlin was sure of it. And it took all of Merlin's restraint not to take Arthur there. To take it all the way because he wanted Arthur more than anything in those moments. He wanted Arthur now. The only thing that stopped him was the fact that he wanted it to be special between them. Arthur, would never be a casual fuck for him. Maybe if they got together prior to him realizing his feelings, but never now. Arthur would always mean more. He knew of Arthur's lack of experience, even though Arthur hadn't confided it. And it would be okay, because he loved Arthur anyway. But Arthur, having sex with Mordred, whatever sex, had to have meant something. And Mordred, he was sure, only confided it because he knew it would get back to him and he wanted it to hurt him because he got there first. And the news _did_ get to him. That's the way the lot worked. They didn't want to tell him but no one was keeping secrets anymore. They all had their fair share of secrets and they were all tired of it. Himself included. He should have shared his own a long time ago. At least to Arthur. Things may have been different between them. But Mordred... Mordred was a completely different story.

 

Will called him on it. “Mordred is _not_ the same in comparison to Carl and you know it. Arthur doesn't date. He hasn't dated. He dated for his recovery granted but that wasn't by choice. The only choice he did have was choosing someone from his new friends list. It was something he was supposed to do. Understood. But Mordred was trying hard for more than that and we both know it. He wanted a relationship with Arthur. Hand job or not, it was still sex.”

 

“And it's the only sex Arthur's had in years. The only date or hell, I don't know how many other dates he had to go on while he's been away but it was the only thing he's done in years. I know my dates don't compare. But to Arthur, Robert compares and Cenred compares. But especially Robert. I didn't block feelings for all relationships Will. I only blocked my feelings for Arthur. Arthur knows that. He's not stupid. It was my not doing long-term relationships, not wanting to stick through the hard stuff, and my own selfish tendencies that ended my relationships. I was protecting myself and defending myself just like Dr. Monmouth said. And he didn't have to tell me, I saw it all, I knew. Imagine all of those blokes that I've hurt along the way. So no, I can't fault him for having a hand job. I am upset. And there are plenty of words that I have for Arthur but Mordred is not on the top of the list.” But he will be _on_ the list.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

It was a long day without anyone at the penthouse. It felt odd, quiet, but he made it through. He ordered Chinese for dinner and he made sure that he ate. He then he flicked through the channels and watched It Could Happen to you with Nicholas Cage and Bridget Fonda. It was a nice story but Arthur was aware that stories, fairy tales, those things didn't come true. He was going to have to live with that. For however long he got to live through that. Julius dropped by earlier to hang out. They watched Die Hard 3 together with Bruce Willis and Julius made him laugh like he always did. Julius was a nice guy, he was also gay, and Arthur could tell that he wanted him. But Arthur resigned himself to not starting any relationships. And he wasn't going to just have casual sex. They could be friends. If anything more came. That would be a shock even to himself because he wouldn't be looking for it. He thought about Merlin, a lot. He hoped that he was still happy, that was all that he ever wanted for Merlin. Even if they couldn't be together that would be all that mattered to him. He could say that he at least gave him that. If he couldn't give him anything else.

 

He spoke to his father only that morning. On Skype as usual. And he could tell that he was being looked at with an evaluating eye. Like his father was still looking for something. Waiting. And weighing his options. He had gained all of his weight back so there shouldn't have been anything out of the normal to see but Arthur wasn't a fool. His father was only waiting for the moment to intervene. It made him work towards completing his plans.

 

He was happy when nightfall came. It gave him an excuse to drink some brandy, take a shower, and to go to his room. He moved into the master bedroom now that Gwaine and Morgana were gone. It had a king size four-poster bed, red curtains, and a big red comforter set. The cranberry walls and white baseboards held a nice contrast. He still missed the ocean-blue colors of home, but he would settle for what he had. He finished making his plans throughout the day. He wrote out three letters and they were stamped and ready to go for the time that he would have to use it for and he placed it in his top end table drawer, where he kept his other items that were needed. He made sure that it had a lock to it and he kept the key. No one needed to see it. And he would only open the drawer again when he was finally ready to take that next step. When he had no other choice.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

The next day he went to see Dr. Alator. It was his first visit. And Arthur had to say that Dr. Alator was almost as sharp as Nimueh, except for Nimueh had the benefit of knowing his history, knowing what he went through before he was diagnosed, and knowing his mother. No one could top that. It was why she was able to read him a lot better than most. Dr. Alator worked with him on his dependency issues and savior-complex, as Nimueh liked to call it. He asked questions in regards to why he always placed himself last in things and why he always placed Merlin first. Arthur could answer only answer with the truth. That he loved Merlin and that he wanted him to have everything that he deserved. And Dr. Alator asked him what did Merlin think about that. He could only respond based on their past now. That Merlin loved him as a friend. That he didn't mind the help when he could give it to him and that it wasn't a major part of their relationship even though it was still a part of their relationship.

 

He asked why did they continue to live the way that they did. Once Merlin finished medical school and once he finished uni. Arthur answered again. He couldn't exactly speak for Merlin. Merlin always spoke for himself. But once they graduated, once Merlin finished medical school the subject never came up again. For either of them. They continued to live that way. They were comfortable in the roles of how they lived and money wasn't a factor anyway because he had enough. Merlin was able to send money home to his mum and was able to have money for however he chose. It wasn't like Merlin didn't pay for his own things at times. His personality was in the flat too. The flat account was there for expenses, utilities, groceries, and anything Merlin needed it for but it was established in the beginning. It was never even a question until he started getting treated for dependency and identity issues and it became a question, as it became something that wasn't considered normal for two flatmates who were only best friends throughout the years. Arthur wondered what Merlin would think about that. If he had some of those same questions when he went through psychotherapy. If he had dependency issues like he had at all. Nimueh said that it would have been natural if he did. Considering his circumstances and the fact that Merlin came into his emotions along with his fear of losing him, he would have been clinging to him at that moment. And he wouldn't have wanted to let him go. Because he would have been what was considered normal out of everything that Merlin was going through. And that his dependency would go away over time.

 

Arthur wondered if he would have had dependency issues before hand. While they were living together for all of those years. It made him wonder. They were always close. From day one. And they became the best of friends and did everything together. They relied on each other in a lot of ways for such a long period of time. Things started changing when he fell in love with Merlin. But that was when Merlin closed his feelings off completely for him a year before. He said he was nineteen and Arthur fell in love with him at twenty. He was sure if Merlin did kiss him like he wanted to at nineteen that he would have kissed Merlin back. But fate had a funny way of making things turn out differently. Dr. Alator asked if there was anything he could have done differently in his relationship with Merlin what would it be. He told Dr. Alator that he would have told him the truth about his feelings. That he wouldn't have waited so long to tell him. That it shouldn't have been Will to tell him, that it should have been him. He knew that. He told Merlin that already and he told the lot several times too. Dr. Alator asked him why did he break up with Merlin if he loved him so much. And Arthur knew that he was aware of his situation with his aunt. So he replied honestly. Because he didn't see another alternative to his situation. That he didn't want Merlin to be with him only for them to break up. That Merlin deserved better than that. That he wanted to Merlin to be happy. To be able to move forward without him. He asked how did Merlin take it. Arthur told him that Merlin was angry with him. Livid. That he threw things around in the dining room and he was hurt. Arthur also told Dr. Alator that he understood Merlin's anger and that he deserved it.

 

“Nimueh placed in her notes that you were protecting Merlin, is that so?” Dr. Alator asked as he wrote his notes, sitting in his lounge chair while Arthur was sitting on the couch facing him in his office.

 

Arthur nodded. “I always try to protect Merlin first.”

 

“How did you two meet?” Dr. Alator asked.

 

Arthur chuckled lightly. “I saved him from the school bully. He looked for new prey to pounce on every year and I always was somewhere around it seemed to stop him from doing it. My friends and I that is.”

 

“So you saved Merlin from a bully and you became friends ever since?” Dr. Alator asked.

 

Arthur nodded again. “Yes, it didn't take long for us to become best friends and we've stayed that way ever since.”

 

“You said that you always try to protect Merlin first. Do you feel like you have to? Like Merlin is always in need of saving?” Dr. Alator asked while holding his gaze on Arthur while waiting for a response.

 

“I don't think that Merlin is _always_ in need of saving -- no. He has a very strong personality and he can take care of himself if that's what he wants. He's a very strong and complexed individual. Do I feel like I have to? If I saw the need I always stepped in.”

 

“Like in his recovery?” Dr. Alator asked as he was browsing over Nimueh's notes.

 

“Yes, like in his recovery.” Arthur asked, as he reached for the bottled water that he had on the coffee table before opening it and taking a swig out of it.

 

“Did Merlin need your help?”

 

“His doctor didn't say that it was necessary no. He said that it would prolong Merlin's recovery without my intervention but that Merlin could still recover without my help.”

 

“Then why did you put your own recovery on hold if Merlin could have continued without your help?” Dr. Alator asked, looking up for a moment before adding to his notes.

 

“I put it on hold because I knew that Merlin still needed the help. Merlin was on the brink of depression. He was living in our flat alone since I needed to move out and he wasn't opening up to anyone. He confined himself to the flat after every psychotherapy session and was getting pretty close with the alcohol called vodka. His recovery required him to open up, to process the things that were coming to him, to reconcile himself with the things that's happened, and to see how it applied in his life now. He wasn't doing that. But I knew that he would do it for me because that was our relationship.”

 

“Did Merlin ask for the help?” Dr. Alator asked.

 

Arthur raised a brow. “I offered my help to him because he was my best friend. I offered the support and he accepted it. It was his choice. And we did it together.” Arthur responded as he took another sip of his water.

 

“What about the dating and the additional time that was added to your recovery?” Dr. Alator asked while continuing to write in his pad.

 

Arthur scowled. “I don't quite understand this line of questioning.”

 

Dr. Alator placed his glasses down on the table beside his chair. “Mr. Pendragon, I understand that you are probably more use to the therapy through Dr. Nimueh and she is a superb therapist. Her record speaks for itself. We do have a different style of how we treat our patients but I can assure you that you will still come about to the same results. Now Dr. Nimueh has followed the therapy plan for your condition appropriately, she does use unorthodox techniques at times to cater to the individual but the results are always the same. I'm bringing you to the second stage of your therapy and in this stage we are addressing the other things that Dr. Nimueh would have worked with you on had you not told her that she could return back to London. And those things are based on your savior-complex, and a more thorough detailed look into your dependency and identity issues. As you can see, you have made tremendous improvement by your weight gain and Nimueh has noted a big improvement in your depression, communication, and social life. I am understanding that you withdrew yourself for a while during the seven years of your unrequited love did you not?”

 

Arthur nodded. “But I still had friends.”

 

“Yes, the same friends that you've had for years -- who were also Merlin's friends -- your family, and Merlin. But according to my notes you even started withdrawing from them until your sister intervened. And you stayed in your flat until,” He read his notes further, “until it became overwhelming for you at times when Merlin would bring home overnight guests, is that correct?” Dr. Alator asked.

 

Arthur swallowed. “Yes.”

 

“So you see, Dr. Nimueh was not just focusing on Merlin as your unrequited love but she was focusing on the solutions and not the problems itself. The dating, the social life, the meeting new people, brought you back from the recluse stage that you were going into during your depression. It helped you with your depression, your dependency, and your identity issues. I'm sure it's not necessary to go into all of the details as I know Dr. Nimueh would have informed you of it. She's a very detailed therapist and she takes her time to focus on each patient based on his or her needs. And you are going out still correct?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“And you are still meeting new people right?”

 

Arthur thought about Grunhilda that met from Marketing last week. “Yes.”

 

“Then you see there has been improvement. Not just on your identity and dependency issues. As you did make the decision to send your family back to London. To stay here on your own. That was a big step too. But you also are continuing to meet people. When was the last time you went out?”

 

“Three nights ago.”

 

“And where did you go?”

 

“A friend and I went to the movies to see Pompeii.” Him and Julius.

 

“So you see, there is improvement. I am just working with you to bring you to the next stage of your recovery process Mr. Pendragon.

 

“So what are we trying to get at here?” Arthur couldn't help but ask.

 

“I'm trying to focus on patterns. There are reasons behind the things that you do. Yes, you love Merlin, yes, you place him first and foremost but we need to make sure we focus on the reasons behind it too in order to break any unhealthy patterns whether you choose to be with Merlin --”

 

“We broke up.”

 

“I am well aware of that Mr. Pendragon but Dr. Nimueh also said that you are very much in love with Merlin still. Is that not the case any longer?”

 

“Yes, I still love him.”

 

“She left you the choice on what you wanted to do with that next. Dr. Nimueh was big on you making choices it seemed because your choices were always centered on Merlin. She wanted you to evaluate your choices to ensure that you are making choices for yourself as well.” Dr. Alator paused to take a sip of his coffee. “Did I explain everything to you, Mr. Pendragon?”

 

Arthur wasn't sure but he'd think of additional questions later. “Yes.”

 

“Good, so what about the dating and the additional time that was added to your therapy?”

 

“What about it?” Arthur asked sharply.

 

“Why did you agree to it?”

 

“Because that's what Merlin wanted.”

 

Dr. Alator raised a brow. “So you knew that you had a serious condition yourself and you just accepted the request and that was all?”

 

Arthur ran a hand through his hair. “No, I did try to stand up for myself. I told him exactly what I needed to do for my recovery and we fought on it. Merlin didn't want me to date anyone else without him being able to date me too--”

 

“Were you too involved at that time?”

 

“No, we were still best friends. But Merlin told me of his feelings before I left to go to the resort. I didn't know that he felt anything for me before then aside from friendship. He didn't either as he closed off his feelings for me. He treated me like a friend. When I came back he wanted to pick up where we left off and to be a couple. Since he knew of my feelings for him and he knew that he was in love with me.”

 

“And what did you say about that?”

 

Arthur wondered what exactly was in the notes if Dr. Alator felt the need to ask. “I told him that I couldn't make any decisions about us until we both were healthy enough to decide. Merlin was going through psychotherapy, he just said that he loved me after seven years of nothing. How could I believe that it was all so true so quickly?”

 

“But he had a condition.”

 

“Yes, he did.” Arthur said while pressing the bridge of his nose with his left thumb and forefinger. “But he also had a lot of emotions and traumatic experiences to deal with too. How was I supposed to know that he truly loved me if he didn't take the time to process all of that information first.”

 

“Do you think he truly loves you now?”

 

“It doesn't matter what I think he's moving on with his life”

 

Dr. Alator picked up his glasses to put them on before glancing at Arthur. “It does matter if you think he truly loves you because you weren't sure of it in the beginning. I know you didn't get to spend as much time together after Merlin declared his feelings. A month? And you were spending time with Merlin to help him with his recovery is that correct?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“And in the time that you did spend together. Did you think that Merlin was in love with you too?”

 

Arthur replayed all of their moments. Their kiss in the flat, their intense moments, their talks, their dance, their time at the lake-house, their daily visits and telephone conversations. He swallowed hard. He was hoarse when he spoke. “Yes.” Arthur cleared his throat. “Just not, the entire time. I felt it in him, as time went on.”

 

Dr. Alator picked up his cup to have a sip of his coffee before setting it down on his table. “So if you know that he loved you then why did you send him away?” Dr. Alator rephrased an earlier question.

 

“Because I didn't see any other alternative in my situation. I didn't see myself getting better. It didn't even seem like I was getting better. I was a complete mess in my head. I still had a lot of weight to gain and it wouldn't be long before my father found out about my condition. I panicked. And I did what I thought was best at the time. I sent him away, because I wanted Merlin to be happy. And I wanted him to have a good life, to find someone a whole hell of a lot better than me because I was too fucked up for him.” Arthur snapped. Dr. Alator scribbled quickly.

 

“Did you think that was your decision to make?” He asked next.

 

Arthur raised an incredulous brow. “I had no other choice. There were no options available for me. How fair would it be to put Merlin through that. He deserved better than to have to wait for me to get better when it was clear that I wasn't.”

 

“But you are improving now, Mr. Pendragon.” Dr. Alator pointed out.

 

“But I still have so much room to go.”

 

Dr. Alator raised a brow. “Yes, you do, but you have to believe that you can do this. No one else can do that for you.”

 

“I know that.” Arthur said tiredly, while running a hand through his hair.

 

“I'm pretty sure that you do, but when you talk sometimes, you leave the impression that you don't plan on getting better. That you've resigned yourself to it. And the only way to come through this is if you fight for it. You have to want to get better too. For yourself. Not for you father, your sister, your friends, your niece, or for Merlin. It has to be for you. There's nothing wrong with depending on anyone. It's when you place that dependency before everything else and you have to stay under an umbrella -- afraid to venture out -- is when it becomes a problem.”

 

Arthur nodded. He couldn't speak. Because there was still the timetable in his head and he knew that it wouldn't be long.

 

“Now, do you think it was your decision to make to send Merlin away?” Dr. Alator re-asked.

 

Arthur sighed deeply. “When I made that decision. I did it for Merlin. I did it based on my circumstances, and I made the judgment call.” Arthur answered in the best way that he could.

 

“How do you think he felt about that? Having the option taken away from him?”

 

“He was angry that I broke up with him, he didn't see it as an option. He was hurt.”

 

“And he didn't see it as an option because you didn't tell him the truth.” Alator added while reviewing his notes.

 

“I couldn't tell him the everything. I told him what I could and I omitted what was needed. I didn't think I would be right for him if I knew I wasn't going to be there. I wanted him to be happy. And if he wasn't with me I wanted him to find someone else. I told the truth within my words. I only omitted what I couldn't say. And Merlin. Merlin wouldn't have listened to me if I did. He would have listened to what I said but he wouldn't have left. He would have told me what I needed to do and he wouldn't have understood that I didn't have control over that situation. That there was no other alternative and that I was doing what I thought was best at the time.”

 

“So you don't trust him?”

 

“Of course I trust him! He's my best friend. I'm in love with him. Trust didn't have anything to do with it. My father was asking questions about me, about my health, he was hiring a private investigator, there wasn't enough time for me.”

 

“And yet, everything is fine now.” Dr. Alator responded.

 

“That's because my sister has spent a lot of money to cover up my tracks and few people know about my condition and we've kept it that way.” Arthur replied while adjusting his tie.

 

“But you still think that he is going to find out?” Dr. Alator asked but his tone was knowing.

 

“It's only a matter of time before he finds out. He has more money than the rest of us do. And his name holds more weight. If he wants to find out he will.” Arthur replied with certainty. He didn't put anything past his father. It only took him less than two weeks to find his aunt and shortly after he went through the courts, took her guardianship, and institutionalized her. And six months later they lost her forever. Arthur shuttered inwardly.

 

“You do realize that your father cannot claim guardianship over you if you have not proven yourself a danger to yourself or to others. And that you have to have a doctor, in some cases, two doctors to say that you are mentally incapable to take care of your own well-being?” Dr. Alator asked speculatively.

 

The hell of a lot that would do you. Arthur thought to himself. His father took care of the channels but all of the other channels to cover up her death to label it as an aneurysm, to pay off people... Arthur had no doubt it could still be done. All he had to do was find his past medical records to know that he was a danger to himself. That he did lose all of that weight and that he wasn't taking care of his well-being before. And all he needed then was some doctor's. It wasn't as difficult to arrange all of that in the right way, Arthur thought. And what if he got worse? It definitely wouldn't be long. Hell, Dr. Alator might even be the therapist to send him to his fate even faster. Arthur's chest tightened by the thought. “Yes, I know that.” He couldn't say anything. Dr. Alator wouldn't be informed of how efficiently his father tied up loose ends. But he knew enough to be able to properly take him through his second phase of recovery. Nimueh ensured it.

 

“Well, if you trust him and you love him, then why did you not give him the choice to decide what he wanted to do?”

 

Arthur closed his eyes and sighed in frustration. The same fucking questions over and over again. “Because I knew if I told him that I wouldn't have a choice!” Arthur snapped before shaking his head. “If Merlin wants something from me. _Really_ wants something from me. I can't say no to him. I love him too much to do that. The only way that I made it through that break up speech was to make him angry with me. And I had to remove myself before he pushed me any more because I wouldn't have said no to him. And I knew my situation. He hates my father and he hates my sister. I couldn't explain everything to him about that. It's too big a secret to explain and I can't share it without getting permission from my sister first. We have a shared permission clause that she instigated when we made that pact in the first place. I can't go against it.” Arthur said while tugging roughly at his hair. He took a deep breath. “He would have told me what to do. And I would have listened. But he wouldn't have known everything that was at stake.” Arthur finished tiredly as he sat back on the couch. Jaw clenched.

 

Dr. Alator took his glasses off and sat it back on his table. He cleared his throat. “So the biggest thing that seems to be standing between the two of you now seems to be your secret.” Dr. Alator pointed out.

 

Arthur ran his right hand over his forehead. His chest was starting to hurt. “Morgana wouldn't clear that for me to tell Merlin. They don't get along.”

 

“Did you try to ask?” Dr. Alator asked while leaning to take another sip of his coffee and setting it back down on his table.

 

Arthur shook his head. He groaned. “No, because I knew her answer. We even talked about the sharing of it when I advised her to tell her husband --”

 

“Was there a difference in you allowing that than you telling Merlin?”

 

“They were having marital problems. I've heard them arguing. It was all because of me. Everything was because of me. It was my fault the lot divided in two to take sides.”

 

“Did you ask them to?”

 

“No I didn't they did it.”

 

“Then how is it your fault?”

 

“Because if it wasn't for me they wouldn't have sided against Merlin. They chose sides.”

 

“But you didn't ask them to choose sides.”

 

“It's irrelevant. They chose sides, it was wrong, and it was up to me to fix it because I came back two weeks later and nobody did.”

 

Dr. Alator raised a brow. “Did you try to get them to resolve the issue on their own?”

 

“I pointed it out to them the first night that I arrived back.”

 

“Did it make a difference?”

 

“Not until I spoke with them in detail. There was mixed emotions amongst the lot. Not everyone was against Merlin, some were on the fence, and some were in disagreement with him at the moment.”

 

“And you stepped in to defend Merlin.”

 

Arthur nodded.

 

“What would have done if Merlin hadn't bought your break up speech?”

 

“Then I would have been screwed because I would have listened and my father would have found out.”

 

“But you never gave him a chance to find out. You don't know if he would have told you what to do or if he would have been there to support you and you sent him away before you could find out.”

 

“I know Merlin.”

 

“Yes, I have no doubt that you do after thirteen years but your situation has changed since you declared your love for one another, he reconnected with his feelings and dealt with past traumatic experiences and emotions, and you fell into depression and suffered from an eating disorder, dependency issues, and identity issues. Things between you are not the same. Merlin will have things that he will need to be mindful of possibly for the rest of his life and so do you.”

 

Arthur swallowed hard. “But that just means that I'm not going to get better.” Because he's heard Merlin's been doing better which Arthur was glad for. He knew that Merlin was aware of the things he needed to be aware of. Except for this new stuff but he was sure Dr. Monmouth had to of informed Merlin of something similar too.

 

“No it doesn't, Mr. Pendragon. It means you will have to be mindful of the things that made you fall into a severe depression in the first place. It means you will have to consider your choices to prevent yourself from falling into dependency patterns and identity issues. It also means you will have to make sure that you are mindful of your eating habits too and you will need to know when to get help. People live everyday with these conditions Mr. Pendragon. It's not the end of the world but it also not a quick fix. It may require medication. You may have to continue therapy after you finish your second phase and you may have relapses at times. That is not uncommon either. But the main thing to take into consideration is noticing the signs and not, delaying the treatment like you did before and then later, by deciding to put your own therapy on hold. No one should do that. You just suffered a nervous breakdown, you just came back from the resort, there was no other place you should have gone than to therapy. You could have been there to support Merlin, but not in the capacity that you were. He had a psychotherapist. He was seeing them, even if he appeared to be falling into depression he had his own therapist and you weren't his only support, as Dr. Nimueh placed in her notes. He relied on you too. He waited for you to return to get help from you too. The dates. The additional time. All tactics in there own way. And she pointed out that a lot of it was due to the opening of traumatic experiences and adding that to the reason he closed his feelings off for you in the first place -- it would have added to his fear of losing you. A lot his actions fell in that category where a good bit were by his own choices. But it was in a panic of not wanting to lose you. You both relied on each other for different reasons. He relies on you to be there. To protect him to comfort him. And to support him. And you rely on him too -- to need you. To need you to protect him. To comfort him. And to support him. You both rely on each other to fill those roles. And you've never failed each other in that.”

 

“Until now.” Arthur said quietly.

 

“Until the chips were turned. You were used to helping Merlin but you weren't use to it being in reverse. You handled the situation in a way that still gave you some control. Merlin has control too. But his control is to have you to be there and when he needs you to be there. To watch over him, to comfort him, to support him, and to protect him. He controls when you do that too. And you have control by doing it and in the way that you see fit in handling it. It's a codependency situation. You both feed off of each other. But it's not healthy unless you learn how to switch roles at times, to help each other, to support each other, and to be very open and honest with each other because it would be very easy to fall back into comfortable patterns.” Dr. Alator said while taking a sip of his coffee. “I wanted to point out too. The signs. The grand gestures to get Merlin to see. It was unique but it's also a form of control in how you allowed Merlin to see you. And Merlin did similar in making a choice for you in choosing that you wouldn't want him when he closed off his feelings without giving you a chance. You both controlled your situations. You both started patterns early on in your relationship. I don't have your Merlin here to question him, but I don't think it was even your intention. However your reasons for not wanting Merlin to know about your feelings sounded conditional. If he wanted to choose you for certain reasons that you didn't want to ruin your friendship over it. But you were waiting for an answer. Something. There was nothing wrong with that. Aside from the conditional. And the waiting period. If you do decide to -- what do say in your generation? Man up? And make a go at Merlin? Then you will at some extent need to keep in mind his condition now. He's not always going to see. But he will need to try. It will be easy for him to relax in a role of you always telling him your feelings too. He will have to put an effort in. Just like you are going to have to learn how to communicate better. And you will have to learn how to work with Merlin by switching the roles sometimes that you've fallen so comfortable into. You don't have to make any decisions now but you should think about your choices, why you made those choices, and if the results were less than favorable, what you could have done differently to change that.” Dr. Alator took another sip of his coffee. “We will close it here today. Unless you have any questions for me?” Dr. Alator asked while observing Arthur.

 

Arthur was still for the past thirty seconds. He didn't know what to say or what to do. And how could he make a go at Merlin as Dr. Alator said if Merlin's already moved on with his life and was so happy? Merlin wasn't even probably thinking of him. He was dating and he was moving on. Arthur felt numb. His tone was hoarse when he responded. “No -- I don't. Thank you, Dr. Alator.” Arthur tried to keep his composure as best as possible.”

 

“Okay. Then we will meet again? Same time next week?”

 

“That will be fine. Thank you.”

 

“You welcome. And, Mr. Pendragon?”

 

Arthur was already at the door. He turned, his hand was on the doorknob. “Remember what I said, depression is not an end. You can live a complete and happy life. And if you love someone than don't close things off because you don't see an alternative because of your condition.”

 

Arthur swallowed hard before nodding.

 

“And if you need to talk, at anytime. You have my numbers, I'm on call if you need to talk.”

 

Suicide watch again, Arthur thought. But he nodded again. “I will. Thank you, Dr. Alator.”

 

“You welcome and goodbye Mr. Pendragon.”

 

Arthur nodded again before leaving as Dr. Alator continued to write his notes.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

Arthur was breathing heavily by the time he got to the steel grey Porsche he leased. It brought back memories as his first car was a Porsche. He sat inside and grabbed on to his steering wheel and placed his forehead on it. He kept trying to breathe evenly -- inhaling and exhaling -- as he tried to count backwards from a hundred. His chest started hurting. His heart was beating rapidly. It didn't matter if depression wasn't a death sentence as Dr. Alator said. His father could make it one. And if he didn't. Not having Merlin in his life made him feel as good as dead already.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A penny for your thoughts.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to take this opportunity to thank you all for sending in such wonderful reviews. I do apologize for the delay in responding. I went from writing one chapter to the next for the past three or more chapters without much pause in between while online. But I have taken the time to read them all, and it continues to encourage me to push forward, so please don't stop commenting. It's good to know that you are still enjoying the story. 
> 
> This chapter is unbeta'd. If you see anything please feel free to point it out, and I will make the necessary corrections. 
> 
> Warnings for triggers, talk of suicide, and suicidal thoughts.

Merlin couldn't speak. He didn't dare say a word. He didn’t think that he could. He felt so many emotions that it overwhelmed him. And there was nothing to say until he could control himself first. He didn’t need to be told that he was being watched by Gwaine, Morgana, and Will. He didn’t need to be told that they were waiting for his response. He ignored them for a good silent five minutes before he allowed himself to speak all in an effort to control himself from doing something crazy. Like losing his temper! 

  
  


Merlin swallowed hard. “So you are telling me that you don't think Arthur is getting better. But in the same breath you are also telling me that he has improved, that he is not  _ as _ depressed, that he has gained his weight back, understands how to have  _ two-sided  _ relationships --” Merlin gritted his teeth on that one. He was tired of everyone criticizing his and Arthur’s relationship. They were fine. Yes, they had problems once his feelings were triggered and after Arthur’s breakdown, but they could have worked it out. It didn’t go downhill until everyone started getting involved and by ‘everyone’ Merlin knew full well it was Morgana. “-- And understands how to identify dependency and identity issues, but that he is still  _ not  _ getting better because--” Merlin raised a brow at Morgana to continue.

  
  


They were seated in Morgana and Gwaine's living room. Merlin felt like a hostile even though he sat in the same room with Arthur, or by himself, many times over the years while visiting. He knew Morgana would rather he not be there, and it was basically like pulling teeth to get any information. If it weren’t for Gwaine, and his forceful looks, Merlin was certain that Morgana wouldn't have told him anything about Arthur's condition. He would have no idea of how Arthur was coping, and he certainly wouldn’t be left with the inclination that Arthur wasn't improving even half as much as Morgana was trying to lead her or him to believe. It angered him more than he could say because the next question that kept coming to mind was why the hell did they leave Arthur in New York by himself if they knew that he was still a ticking time-bomb?! If they  _ knew _ that he still  _ wasn't _ improving?

  
  


“We think that he still wants to commit suicide.” Morgana said, completing Merlin's sentence.

  
  


And Merlin felt his chest tighten. He never realized that Arthur’s condition was that severe. He was aware that Arthur had thoughts of suicide but he thought that it stopped. By listening to Morgana he would be led to believe that it never did. He couldn’t help but be angry at himself because Arthur did try to tell him about it. And Arthur stopped confiding when he stopped listening. And when he tried to start listening again the window of opportunity was closed because Arthur was too far gone in himself to open up. He groaned inwardly. He dismissed everything that Arthur was trying to tell him about his health on more than one occasion to focus on what he thought was more important at the time, and that was their relationship. While Arthur in turn focused on getting him better. Neither of them, truly focusing on seeing Arthur get better too. And instead of him taking the time, to watch out for any signs. Instead of paying attention to what Arthur was trying to tell him. He was more focused on their relationship. Those were his windows of opportunity to get Arthur to open up to him more about his depression and suicidal thoughts -- that was his time to find out more about it -- and he didn’t take it because he was too busy thinking of himself and trying to keep Arthur to pay attention. And if Arthur still is contemplating suicide, if he is still severely depressed, he wouldn’t be very forthcoming in the area of communication to share those thoughts. You would have to take the opportunity -- as it presented itself -- and you would have to watch for changes in behavior patterns too. Something, he clearly missed along the span of a year and a half before finding out. He may have questioned it, but not quick enough. In fact, by the time he asked it was too late because Arthur was too far gone by then. It wasn’t too late for anyone else to tell him what was going on however. But it certainly was too late for him to claim that he caught it because the damage was irreversible by then. It was something to think about  _ later  _ because there were other thoughts and questions that were coming to mind. “And  _ why _ , would he  _ want _ to commit suicide? He has everything going for him. He  _ chose  _ to leave me. I didn't  _ choose _ to leave him. He ended things. I know that he had reasons that he refused to share but it was still  _ his  _ choice. He is getting better, as you've stated, and he has gained weight. There is every reason to believe that he is going to recover. Why would he  _ want  _ to commit suicide?” Merlin had a bad sense of foreboding, and he didn't like the feeling. He waited, because he wasn't going to leave without the truth. He had questions upon questions to ask, and he wasn't going to leave without getting those answers. Gaius had doctor/patient confidentiality clauses to hide behind. Morgana and Gwaine did not.  _ Someone _ , was going to tell him what the fuck was going on and they were going to tell him now! He could only be happy that Will insisted on coming along because he would be another ear to hear and if, he wasn't fast enough to pick up on the bullshit that was being dished out to him than Will would be because Will always saw through the bullshit. It was why he had to became an expert liar starting from the age of three in the first place. It was his only way to hide his abuse, and later his bullying from Will. And later... from the others...like Arthur.

  
  


“Tell him, Morgana,” Gwaine demanded. Because there was only so much he could take of the lies. If she didn't tell Merlin the truth now, after they discussed only hours ago that she would... he didn't think he would be able to forgive her for it.

  
  


Morgana grimaced. She knew Gwaine's tone full well. And she knew that if she didn't say anything that he would, and he would hold it against her. She swallowed. “Arthur doesn't want to be institutionalized.”

  
  


Merlin and Will both raised a brow. “What does that have to do with Arthur  _ wanting _ to commit suicide?” Merlin asked slowly. It was like dealing with Arthur when he didn't want to give information except for now, he was dealing with the master. And he was never able to beat Arthur at this game! He sighed inwardly. At least he knew Arthur's reasons for not telling him things, he was trying to protect him. Some of the same reasons why he withheld things from Arthur in turn. He didn't have a clue about Morgana's reasons though. He very highly doubted that she was trying to protect him at all. However he would have thought she would  _ want _ what was best for  Arthur. Maybe other things are taking precedent now. 

 

“ He  _ fears  _ being institutionalized.” She clarified.

  
  


“ What do you mean he  _ fears  _ being institutionalized, and what does that have to do with anything if Arthur is  _ supposed  _ to be getting better?” Will chimed in to ask.

  
  


Morgana wanted to roll her eyes at Will. It was bad enough that she was being forced to tell  _ Merlin  _ her family secret, but Will too... She sighed. “He  _ fears  _ being institutionalized because he had a traumatic experience as a child in seeing the results of what happens there to someone who was very special in our lives. He doesn't want a repeat of it, and would rather die before allowing it to happen to him.” 

  
  


Merlin clenched his jaw. “ _ When  _ did Arthur have this  _ traumatic  _ experience?”

  
  


“When he was twelve.” Morgana answered.

  
  


It angered Merlin because if they didn't  _ ask _ the questions Morgana wasn't  _ going _ to answer them any further. It was worse than Arthur. At least Arthur would have volunteered  _ some _ information. At least he knew that Arthur was always looking out for him. And yes, Arthur kept things from him, but he kept things from Arthur too over the years. “What happened when he was twelve?” He had to ask.

  
  


Morgana swallowed hard taking in Gwaine's glare. “Before I answer that you have to understand that there are some things that have happened in our family that is not privy to public knowledge. It could be a danger to my father, our legacy, and how we are perceived to the world. There are also some legality issues that surround the past as well. Some secrets are meant to be kept. If the information got into the wrong hands --”

  
  


“ You are basically telling me that you didn't trust me with this information so you decided  _ not _ to tell me --” Merlin started, before Morgana interjected.

  
  


Morgana shook her head. “This is  _ bigger  _ than you Merlin. Of course I didn't trust you with that information. We didn't trust  _ anyone  _ with that information. We weren't even supposed know about it. We were just two kids trying to find out what was going on and succeeded. We couldn't tell anyone about it...” She trailed off at Merlin's glare.

  
  


Merlin ran a hand through his hair and rubbed his brows. He sighed heavily. “What happened when Arthur was twelve?” He didn't even dignify her previous comment with a response.

  
  


“My aunt committed suicide.” She answered.

  
  


Merlin's felt his chest tighten in thinking of what Arthur must have gone through during that time. He couldn't focus on it though. He needed to know more. “Do you know  _ why _ she committed suicide?” Something told Merlin that he was going to be there all night before he got the information that he really  _ needed _ to know.

  
  


“She committed suicide while she was institutionalized.” Morgana said softly.

  
  


“ Morgana, Merls asked do you know  _ why _ she committed suicide. Do you know  _ why _ ?” Will asked, because Morgana was stalling. Like she was hoping that Merls wouldn't be able to pick up on anything of importance -- like he would miss things as he’s done before -- and he was going to be there to prevent that from happening. 

  
  


Morgana took her scrunchy that was on her right wrist, and used it to pull her hair up into a messy bun. She sighed heavily before responding. Her tone was detached as she continued. “My aunt suffered from uni-polar depression. She was very close to Arthur and I. We saw her frequently, she treated us like we were her own kids, and when our mother passed away she was there for us even more. She had episodes. But not to the point where she was a danger to herself or others. We saw her frequently, and when she couldn't be there she would contact us, and she continued to do so until she suddenly stopped. We were worried about her. Arthur and I. We didn't know what happened and it wasn't like Aunt Margaret to not contact us either in person or by phone.” She took a deep breath. “We finally went to our father because we needed him to find out what was wrong with her. He told us that he would take care of everything, that he would 'fix it'. And we believed him.” Morgana pressed the bridge of her nose. “Our father left us for nearly two weeks. Your uncle Gaius watched over us, but not heavily because I was fourteen and old enough to take care of both myself and Arthur. ” She took another breath, before she continued. “When father returned he told us that Aunt Margaret would be fine and that she had to go away for a while. It was due to his  _ lack _ of explanation that prompted Arthur and I into action to start doing some researching of our own. We couldn't start researching however until we got some clues from our father and of course he wasn't telling us anything. We waited for a break and we finally got one when your uncle came over to see our father. We knew that your uncle and our father confided in each other, we also knew that if there was ever a time for us to find out what was going on then that would be the time. We camped out at the door of our father's study -- me focusing on hearing everything, and Arthur, focusing on us not getting caught -- and we waited to hear what was really going on with our aunt.” Morgana ran a hand over her brows. “If I knew what we were about to listen to I probably would have sheltered Arthur from the truth of it. He took the deaths of our grandfather and mother extremely hard. He was close to all of them and then... with our aunt... it was too much...too soon.” She shook her head.

  
  


Merlin didn't like the direction this conversation was going. He liked it even less that his uncle knew about this secret too, and kept it from him because it feels like the key to what's been going on with Arthur. The key to why Arthur broke up with him, and the answer for his erratic behavior. “What did you two overhear?” Merlin asked, through gritted teeth.

  
  


“My father told Gaius that he had to track down our aunt. That she quit her job at the museum, that she was drinking excessively, that her behavior patterns was sporadic, and that she was involved in public disturbances. Apparently she was living that way for a little over a year. She was withdrawn, she stopped communicating with her friends, and by the time my father found her she was barely recognizable. She was in a lot of pain and had given up hope for her life.” Morgana paused. “Your uncle tried to convince our father to allow our aunt to come back home to stay at the mansion with us, but our father disagreed with the suggestion. His response was that he had two impressionable children and he didn't think it would be wise to have our aunt stay with us in her present state when he couldn't guarantee that we wouldn't be placed at risk.” 

  
  


“What happened next?” Merlin pushed. Because he couldn't quite disagree with Uther's decision on that one.

  
  


Morgana's tone turned hoarse. “My father went to the courts and got my aunt declared mentally incompetent stating that she was a danger to herself and everyone else. It was against my aunt's wishes because she never wanted to be institutionalized, but he did it anyway. Against her will.”

  
  


“Is that when she committed suicide?” Merlin pressed again.

  
  


Morgana nodded. “She killed herself six months later.”

  
  


Merlin's heart went out to Morgana and Arthur but he knew that he had to continue to press. “How did Arthur take it?”

  
  


“ How do you think he took it?” Morgana snapped, before shaking her head. “He took it hard. Very hard. When he found out that she was institutionalized against her will he took it hard, and when he found out that she killed herself he was distraught. He was beside himself. He started having nightmares, and then the panic attacks followed shortly after. He kept seeing himself in the same predicament. He thought...he thought that our father would do the same thing to him. Our father showed no remorse for his decision. He showed no guilt for his actions at her funeral. There was nothing in his tone or actions that showed any regret. The only thing he said when he decided to commit her to that place was that he  ‘ _ fixed it’ _ .” Morgana took a deep breath. “We looked up our family history, and found out that our great grandmother was also institutionalized due to depression. She didn't commit suicide, but she did die in the institution.” She shook her head. “We had just lost our grandfather not long before, and our mother before that. The only thing that we knew was loss, and then our aunt killed herself because she didn't  _ see _ how she could survive in an institution. Because she didn't think that she would ever get out. She felt alone and she died alone. It took a lot out of Arthur to learn of that. He questioned if there was anything that he could have done. Anything that he could have said to have prevented it --”

  
  


“He was twelve...” Merlin started, but trailed off as Morgana glared at him.

  
  


“ Yes, he was twelve, and he was also a genius with a heart of gold. If there was something that he could have done he would have. He  _ questioned  _ it. Of course he would have. But he continued to have nightmares, and he continued to have panic attacks as soon as I would wake him up from the nightmares. I would hear him from my room at night crying, and sometimes screaming in his sleep. We were on the other side of the mansion so fortunately my father wasn't able to hear him, but I did. I was the one who would wake him up, and I was the one who would have to calm him down from his panic attacks.”

  
  


Merlin swallowed hard. “Did you two talk to anyone about it, did you get any help?” Merlin did not know why he asked that question if it was meant to be a secret. And considering his own history, he wasn't a good example of someone who went to seek help when he needed it himself to judge. But he needed to know anyway, he had to ask.

  
  


Morgana shook her head. “There wasn't anyone that we could talk to without word going back to our father that we  _ knew _ in the first place. Our father told us that she died from an aneurysm. And nothing about her being institutionalized. It was publicized to the world that she did, and all records pointed to that fact. My father closed off all sources by paying them off as well, and if it weren't for a few lucky breaks, Arthur and I wouldn't have found any proof on our own.”

  
  


Merlin's jaw clenched in thinking about what Uther did. The damage. That he would lie about something of such a magnitude. “How did Arthur get past it?”

  
  


Morgana pulled the scrunchy out of her hair, shook her hair, and placed her scrunchy back on her right wrist. She paused. “We started noticing things. Our father made us eat foods that were supposed to help maintain good mental health. He made us take certain vitamins for the same reasons, and he gave us everything to help us not to fall ill from any mental conditions. And Arthur. He feared that if he were to fall ill -- to fall into a depression -- that he would fall into the same fate as our aunt. If our father had no problem institutionalizing our aunt -- his twin sister for that matter -- how could we be the exception as his children? He didn’t want to take the chance to find out.”

  
  


“What happened next, Morgana?” Merlin pushed.

  
  


Her eyes narrowed at him. “He started learning anything and everything about depression. He looked up signs, symptoms, how to diagnose it -- everything. He wanted to find out everything in case he ever fell into a depression to protect himself. He couldn't trust getting sick, and he couldn't trust what would happen if my father were to find out.”

  
  


Merlin had a bad feeling about what was coming next, but he continued to press anyway. “And after?”

  
  


Morgana sighed. “When he kept having the same recurring nightmare of being institutionalized we -- I -- decided to make a pact.”

  
  


“ A  _ pact _ ?” Merlin repeated slowly.

  
  


Morgana nodded slowly in response. “A pact. We weren't able to talk to anyone about it. Your uncle was our family doctor, but he was also a confidant of our father’s. We had no one. If we confided in Gaius, he would have told our father that we knew, and he would have told him about Arthur's recurring nightmares and panic attacks. He would have told our father the truth. And Arthur was already obsessing on ways to get around falling mentally ill by making sure that he ate right, exercised continuously, and by keeping himself in check to make sure that he would never show any signs of depression or any other mental illnesses. He was withdrawn for a while, and exhausted from the recurring nightmares and panic attacks, but he hid it well. He learned early on how to cover the things that he was really feeling --”

  
  


“What about the pact, Morgana?” Gwaine interrupted. Because the pact is what she was delaying, and something that Merlin needed to be aware of too.

  
  


Morgana turned to Gwaine, but her expression was impassive, before she turned back to Merlin and continued. “We made a promise to each other. That we would never tell our father if either of us were mentally ill. That we would do whatever necessary to ensure that the other was treated, and taken care of. We vowed to always keep a strong line of communication, to maintain contact, and to let the other know if they were in danger of losing control.”

  
  


“ And if you were,  _ out _ of control?” Merlin prompted. Because he didn't know what to say next. He's known Arthur for thirteen years and never knew that he suffered from anything. Arthur seemed like he was in perfect health when he met him. There was never anything off about him and yet -- he missed this too. He couldn't blame himself for that though. Like his own history. There would have been no way to have known unless Arthur told him about it.

  
  


Morgana sighed. “If one of us lost control, the other was meant to step in. We were to take care of the other, to move them in with us if necessary, to move them close, and to have all around medical care provided if needed. We vowed to do whatever it took to get the other better, and being institutionalized was _never_ an option. We vowed that we would never leave the other to feel abandoned or alone. That we wouldn't place ourselves in a situation like our aunt, or like our great grandmother that we learned about. We wouldn't do the same thing that our father did to our aunt. We wouldn't repeat the past.” Morgana muttered the last sentence.

  
  


“ And what about Uther?” Merlin had to ask. “What was the plan if he  _ did  _ found out?” Because he didn't know this side of Morgana, but he knew the planning side of Arthur and Arthur, always had plans. He would have had backup plans upon backup plans to ensure that he  was _ never _ institutionalized.

  
  


“We vowed that he would never find out. That we would do whatever was necessary to prevent that from happening. Whether we had to pay off people, whether we had to move, to lie, whatever it took -- we would have done to prevent that from happening.”

  
  


“And if he did anyway?” Merlin pushed.

  
  


Morgana looked away from Merlin for a moment before turning back. “If we weren't married, if we didn't have anyone to take care of us, we would assume guardianship over the other to prevent our father from taking it first.” She paused. “It would have been a last resort, and  _ only _ , if our father were to find out.”

  
  


Merlin didn't know what to think about that. “What if you weren't there for each other? What if something happened to prevent you from helping Arthur or vice versa. What would have happened to the plan then?”

  
  


“ We would  _ always  _ be there for each other. We promised each other that. That's why we've always kept up with communication. That's why we always confided in each other. It's added to why we've always been so close. We know each other well enough to eventually be able to notice changes if something happened.”

  
  


Merlin raised a brow at that one. It felt like a jab saying that he didn't know Arthur well enough to notice the changes in him. But he let the feeling go because he didn't know if that was her intention or not. It could be his own guilt. “Is that everything?”

  
  


“Yes --” Morgana said before Gwaine interjected by saying “No,” while glaring at Morgana.

  
  


“What else is there?” Merlin asked, as he clenched his jaw in frustration.

  
  


“We think that Arthur closed himself off from everyone for a reason.” Gwaine responded.

  
  


Merlin nodded in agreement. “I think so too. Do you have any idea what that reason is?” He had his speculations, but he didn't have anything concrete.

  
  


“We think that he's been planning to commit suicide.” Gwaine answered. It hurt to say those words. And all he really wanted to do was be on a plane back to New York, but he had to stay. Due to Merlin and Morgana's relationship, he couldn't trust that Morgana would tell Merlin everything that he needed to know.

  
  


Merlin shook his head. He wasn't following. “I don't understand. Why would Arthur want to kill himself? He's feeling better, he's recovering, and he's gained back his weight. Why would he want to commit suicide when you have a pact with each other, and everything is coming together?” Merlin looked between Morgana and Gwaine. Gwaine expression showed guilt, but Morgana's was still impassive. She was keeping all of her feelings to herself. But he promised himself that he wasn't going to leave without answers, and he was going to keep that promise.

  
  


“He is not getting better fast enough for himself.” Morgana answered.

  
  


“Then he fights, he works to get better, he does what he has to do, and he fights to get better. I don't understand ...” Merlin trailed off. “What else are you not telling me?” He asked, while raising a speculative brow.

  
  


Morgana sighed. “He doesn't see a positive end to his situation. He doesn't think he will get better fast enough, and he's lost the will to live. Gwaine and I think, that he's waiting for our father to find out. That he will hold out until he does, and that he will continue to live his life until that happens.”

  
  


Merlin nibbled on his lower lip for a moment thoughtfully. “I still don't get it. There is no reason why he would need to worry about not seeing an end to his situation. He is doing better. He's struggling. It's not a death sentence! Uther doesn't know about his condition so there is no reason why Arthur should want to commit suicide.”

  
  


Morgana glared at Merlin. “Arthur suffered from a severe depression, Merlin. For a year and a half -- without, it being treated. He finally resigned himself to losing the love of his life only to find out after seven years that this person loved him back but, those emotions were never triggered. He  _ had  _ a nervous breakdown. He was on his way to having a second one. He placed his recovery on hold in between to help a friend, and was never treated properly until now. He fears my father finding out of his condition. And he didn't get better soon enough due to placing his own recovery on hold because he helped someone else before he helped himself. And then -- on top of it all -- he was encouraged to add more things against his recovery which only delayed him from improving even more. But he did it anyway. For love. Because he couldn’t stand by and watch his friend suffer. He placed his friend’s health as a priority over his own.” Morgana rubbed her brows in frustration. “He  _ fears  _ being institutionalized. He  _ fears  _ my father finding out of his condition. And he fears our father will assume guardianship over him to have him institutionalized. It is a fate worse than a thousand deaths to Arthur. He was beside himself trying to keep it together for all of this time. Between that, and what took priority, not being able to be with you. Because he loved you so much and you couldn’t see it.” She sighed. “Our father has been trying to find out what's been going on with Arthur for several months. He is questioning our friends, he's hired a private investigator, he has our uncle Aggravaine watching us, he Skype calls us almost daily just to look at Arthur to notice any changes. Arthur, is beside himself and he has every right to be.” Morgana ran both hands through her hair. “We've gotten Arthur to where he needs to be to be taken from under our father's radar. His weight is where it should be, he  _ is  _ improving, but it's not fast enough for him to see it on the inside for himself. The resort. The month he shared with you while he was in therapy, needed to be restarted again because Arthur did not show any improvement, and he was on the verge of a second nervous breakdown. He started giving up completely at the same time that he learned about the private investigator, and all of the secret meetings with Gaius --”

  
  


“What about my uncle?” Merlin asked inquisitively.

  
  


“ Gaius  _ knows  _ about Arthur's condition. He knows everything with the exception of anything that pertains to our secret. My father and Gaius are close friends. It would not be a far stretch for him to tell our father about Arthur. He said that he would keep his word on remaining silent  _ if  _ we maintained contact to tell him and your mum of Arthur’s progress, but there really is no guarantee that he will continue to  _ keep  _ his word. We have no way of knowing for certain especially if our father continues to press everyone for information.”

  
  


Merlin shook his head. “I don't think Gaius will tell Uther of Arthur's condition.” He sure as hell didn't tell him about it! Merlin thought to himself in anger.

  
  


Morgana shook her head. “We can't be sure, and there is too much at stake to wait around to find out. We have to be one step ahead of our father, because if he were to find out --”

  
  


“One step ahead for Arthur to kill himself?” Merlin asked with a raised brow.

  
  


“No, one step ahead for me to assume guardianship over Arthur if necessary.” Morgana responded firmly.

  
  


Merlin chest tightened, as he ran a hand through his hair. This was not happening! “I don't understand. Why would it be necessary if Arthur is improving. He has improved enough to  _ not  _ have his guardianship taken away from him, and you still haven't given me any good reason why Arthur would want to give up on his life. Hasn't anyone tried talking to him? And what about therapy? What the hell was Arthur doing all of this time just dating, and  _ learning _ how to have  _ two-sided _ relationships?!” He was getting angry because he knew that there was something more and he was tired of the lies. If they all -- including himself -- told the truth in the first place -- none of this would be happening. Merlin felt that with every fiber of his being. He and Arthur would be together. They would have taken care of themselves as they’ve always done. And they would have gotten the help without  _ half  _ of the interference!

  
  


“ It would be necessary because our father has  _ resources  _ Merlin. We did the research, our aunt could have improved. She didn't have to be institutionalized for six months before she died. She killed herself because she was stuck in that place alone. With no support and no one who cared.” Morgana said, while clenching her jaw. “We got a few lucky breaks and with the right amount of money, we learned a few things. Our father left her there because he couldn't deal with her in her condition, and she killed herself because she couldn't stay there for another day. Yes, Arthur has improved, but there is no guarantee that our father would not take guardianship over Arthur anyway. He's a very powerful man with a lot of resources, and impeccable standing in society. The Pendragon name, known worldwide. If he wanted it to happen -- it  _ would _ happen. And yes, Arthur is still in therapy. He has shown improvement. He has shown improvement in his depression, he has improved with his dependency and identity issues, and he is improving on how to communicate better, but it is  _ not  _ a quick fix. Arthur had a lot of things to work on by the time he accepted the help. Not to mention he was dealing with an eating disorder. The year and a half of protesting the treatment, the breakdown -- putting his recovery on hold -- and all of the other things that contributed along the way are all factors for why it is taking so long now.”

  
  


“Have you tried talking to him about his fear of your father finding out, or about his fear of being institutionalized?” Merlin asked slowly. Because that was something Morgana neglected to answer during his first inquiry.

  
  


“Nimueh has been working with Arthur on that because she was able to see why Arthur acted the way that he did. She was also able to assess that he was giving up. Arthur's refused hospitalization -- which is understood -- but it also limited the route she could take without using it as a treatment option. It will be a stumbling block, it means that his recovery will take longer, but there is no reason why he wouldn’t be able to make a full recovery if he doesn’t give up and follows the treatment plan. He is improving but not fast enough. His second phase of his recovery will focus heavily on his dependency and identity issues, his savior-complex in feeling the need to control his own destiny in an effort to avoid facing his fears, his issues with always sacrificing himself and putting others first, his issues with our father, his fear of being institutionalized, and his feelings for you.”

  
  


It was a long list. Merlin wasn't sure if it all applied. The last part made him feel defensive because it felt like they were treating Arthur for a condition where he himself was the problem. He understood that Arthur was being treated for an unrequited love, and why, but he never understood why Arthur's treatment fell in the way that it had. And yes, he was jealous. He didn't question it based on Arthur's health. And maybe if he did, Arthur wouldn’t have questioned if he truly cared. He was always honest with himself on that because he knew what was in his mind at the time and at that time, when he was pressuring Arthur, it was nothing more than him trying to keep Arthur. That and pure jealousy. And so were his comments that continued to follow. He was acting out of fear, and he constantly made the choice to push Arthur. And it wasn't like he didn't know that he was wrong at the time, he knew, and did it anyway. It was his choice. And as a result, it did interfere with Arthur's recovery, and it gave fuel to Arthur's dependency issues. But over the past several months -- without Arthur -- he started to think differently. And that's when he started to question Arthur's treatment. Arthur was being treated because of his dependency, and his loss of identity due to him. He was forced to move away from him. He was forced to lessen the time with him until he himself forced the issue with Arthur to make Arthur see reason. And on top of that, Arthur was forced to date -- from a new friends’ list with his only option being who he chose -- and to meet new people. Something else he fought Arthur against -- along with adding himself to date Arthur -- but it always left him with questions on how they were treating Arthur’s condition. 

  
  


And from the sounds of it, they were treating it like his and Arthur's relationship was an abusive one. Like it was something horrible that needed to be scrutinized and placed under a knife when it was anything but. And for those who questioned it under the seven years they would be ill advised because their relationship -- their friendship -- was thirteen years long, and they've been best friends ever since. And yes, they would have gone through changes if Arthur stuck it out. Of course they would have. Arthur had the last seven years of his life to reconcile himself with. He probably thought it was a loss. He couldn't imagine half of the things Arthur must be thinking inside of his head. And on top of that. Arthur was suffering from a severe depression, identity issues, dependency issues, an eating disorder, the fear of his father finding out his condition, and the fear of being institutionalized. Something, from the sounds of it, Arthur feared since the age of twelve. Even though Morgana tried to gloss over that fact. And Merlin, Merlin had years of abuse, and bullying to reconcile himself with. No, he is not excellent, he will have some things that will remind him of the past at times, but he is doing better. He blocked those feelings off over time, but he still faced it through psychotherapy. He still relived those events in his nightmares, and he still learned to open up to discuss it. He's not perfect, but he's doing a hell of a lot better now than he was before when he opened up his emotions again from those traumatic experiences in the first place.

  
  


He will also have things he will have to deal with for the rest of his life. His control issues for one. He tried to control his circumstances when he blocked off his emotions. He tried to control his circumstances even in the midst of his abuse, and bullying by blocking out the feelings that he felt while living through it. He controlled his steps, his relationships, and when those relationships got to the point where he had to open up or where he had to compromise -- he never stayed. He would also have to remind himself that he didn't always have to protect himself, that he didn't always have to defend himself, and that he didn't always have to place himself first. He's been trying as he's been processing his feelings. As he learned to accept things from the past to help him to see how it applied in the present. He's improved from the time he kept his walls to protect himself. And even though he will still have those traits to live with, he knows that he will be able to overcome it. 

  
  


But he knows he has done some things too. He knows he controlled some things in his relationship with Arthur in his effort to keep their friendship. He should have told Arthur his feelings. He shouldn't have blocked it out. It wasn't fair and it costed Arthur seven years of his life between him blocking out his own feelings  _ and _ Arthur not telling him his. He couldn't say that Arthur not telling him affected him before Arthur became depressed because he wasn't the one who placed his life on hold. That would be Arthur who did that. He himself lived his life to the best of his capability. And he wasn't dependent on Arthur the entire time while he did it. He loved their friendship, and he relied on Arthur to be there just like Arthur relied on him to do the same. But his dependence on Arthur didn’t kick in at that time. As Dr. Monmouth advised, people do things for their friends all of the time, especially if they have the resources to help, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that one has to grow dependent on the other because it occurs. Even if they had a history of abuse. That it has been proven. And though Arthur tried to help, he never tried to control him. And he never tried to control Arthur. Even though they both had the opportunity to do so over the years. And there were times that they’ve both pushed for things. But they both made choices, equally, throughout their relationship. Though Merlin could see clearly  _ now  _ how Arthur tried to control himself. Like he did with his walls. Especially as he listened to Morgana talk about how Arthur coped with the death of his aunt -- and hearing how Arthur was beside himself now. 

  
  


Things started changing between them both as they dealt with their own conditions. For himself, It was his emotions, his fear of losing Arthur when his feelings triggered that forced him to cling. And before, it was his fear of losing their friendship. He never had to cling there, because he was never in danger of losing Arthur’s friendship. He didn't have to fight. Which is why nothing triggered until he was in danger of losing Arthur. He wasn’t clinging while he was dating, working, going to school, or having a life for years. And as Arthur was clear to say, he didn’t notice what was going on in Arthur’s life as it turned for the worse. He realized that during his psychotherapy sessions. The only thing that came into question was the support for him. Arthur helped support him, but it wasn't something that he couldn't have stopped himself. That was also discussed in psychotherapy. He may have grown comfortable in his relationship with Arthur, but he still had and made his own choices. He was independent in all other ways at the time before he clung to Arthur when those feelings rushed forward. And it was still a joint decision between them. But Arthur, Arthur placed his life on hold for him for seven years. And for Arthur to have been the only person he blocked his feelings off from... to avoid showing his own romantic feelings for him... it was cruel in it's own way -- Merlin thought in retrospect -- and he did it just to keep Arthur to himself. To keep their friendship. It was a choice Arthur deserved to have too, and he made the choice himself instead. He should have told Arthur about his abuse. They were close enough. He trusted Arthur. He waited until Arthur was leaving his life thirteen years later to tell him something that he never planned on telling him -- ever -- until it became a means to tell Arthur that his feelings were true. To keep him. Not because he was trying to be honest with him. He understood secrets. That some secrets were  _ meant  _ to be kept. He didn't necessarily understand Arthur's secret. Not right now. One could call him selfish, for not understanding -- because when the tables are turned he doesn’t understand Arthur’s reasons like he expected Arthur to understand his -- but he didn’t. Not after everything he and Arthur had gone through. Arthur's secrets affected him too now. Especially, if it had anything to do with Arthur breaking up with him.

  
  


And yes, he may have kept his secret of his abuse and his feelings for Arthur. And yes, it may have made the difference in Arthur understanding him -- especially over the seven years that Arthur  _ won’t  _ be able to get back -- and of him choosing to love Arthur back when they were nineteen, but there were other things that could have been different too. Because Arthur. Arthur wasn't an innocent either. Arthur kept things from him too. And Apparently they both had things that affected them for as long as they’ve known each other. Even though Morgana didn’t seem to notice the seriousness of Arthur’s condition. Or maybe, she didn’t want  _ him _ to notice it. But she didn’t have to tell him anything about that because he knew Arthur. He may not have known the romantic side of Arthur, but he did know the friendship side of him, and she couldn’t say that those things didn’t affect Arthur now. He and Arthur should have been open and honest with each other. 

  
  


And maybe, if Arthur had told him about his aunt he wouldn't have continued to think that Arthur was perfect. That his life was perfect -- with no flaws. He wouldn't have kept Arthur on such a pedestal -- which he shouldn’t have done -- that Arthur, in reality, could have  _ no _ hope to ever live up to. Considering the whole reason why he kept that secret when he moved to London was because he didn't want to be treated differently -- because he wanted to start a new life. He couldn't be sure that he would have told Arthur if Arthur had confided in him then, but he'd like to think that it wouldn't have taken him  _ thirteen  _ years to tell him truth before he did.

  
  


And maybe he would have opened up more about the bullying. If he knew that Arthur was afraid of something too. That he wasn’t invincible, and good at everything that he set himself out to do. Arthur should have also told him of his feelings. No, it may not have made a difference in him returning that love back. It took Arthur's leaving to do that. Dr. Monmouth said that it was closed off with all of the other experiences that he blocked off because he saw his love for Arthur's love as a danger to himself if he gave into it. Because love was the strongest emotion, and he was trying to protect himself from it. Because giving into his love for Arthur was a form of losing the control that he so tightly maintained over the years to protect himself from being hurt. Hurt by the people he trusted. Like his father. That, and the fact that it was based on his fear of losing Arthur, were the main reasons why he closed himself off from the feelings behind his walls. One day, he might just explain that story to Arthur in detail. If he wasn’t sure that it would hurt Arthur again by hearing it. Until that day, he would continue to protect Arthur from that truth. He’s thought about things though. Over the past several months, without Arthur. About how his feelings for Arthur were triggered. He wondered if Dr. Monmouth could have possibly been wrong? When he explained that Arthur’s leaving would have been the  _ only _ trigger? When he was originally diagnosed? And as they continued psychotherapy? He wondered if it would have made a difference if Arthur told him his feelings? His real feelings. Not the gigantic signs. Not the romantic trips. Not the words of strong care and emotions that he apparently missed, but the words. Those three words. He wondered if the words would have made the difference. If it would have stopped him from his continuous dating, or if it would have stopped him on his quest for finding true love. Or would it have been as Arthur feared. Would he have accepted his love for him for the wrong reasons? Would they have lost their friendship? So many what ifs… The answer. One would never know. Just like no one would ever really know if Arthur would have been receptive to him if he told him his feelings  _ before  _ he blocked it off completely at the age of nineteen. Who's to say Arthur wouldn't have ran for the hills? Who's to say that he wouldn't have lost his friendship with Arthur in the process, as he feared, if he told him his feelings? One would never know that either. And it's too late to find out. He only wished that he told Arthur now. He only wished that Arthur told him his feelings too. Maybe no one would have gotten hurt. In thinking of secrets, and his thoughts, some other questions came to mind. “Arthur's being treated for an unrequited love still isn't that correct?”

  
  


“Yes.” Morgana answered with a raised brow.

  
  


Merlin leaned forward from his seat on the couch. “But Arthur's  _ never  _ been treated for his fear of being institutionalized until now isn't that correct also?”

  
  


Morgana wasn't following. “That is correct.”

  
  


Merlin pressed the bridge of his nose. Arthur would  _ not  _ be allowed to treat him like this when he spoke to him next! He knew Arthur was going through changes since his breakdown, that he was withdrawing in his own way, but it was not going to happen when he spoke to him next! Arthur would tell him  _ everything  _ that he needed to know. Even if he had to force it out of him to get the truth. Just like Morgana was going to do for him now. “So the time that Arthur was protesting treatment -- wouldn't that have more to do with him not wanting your father to find out, and his fear of being institutionalized, than me?”

  
  


Morgana's eyes narrowed. “Arthur didn't  _ want  _ to tell you about his feelings if they weren't going to be returned or if they weren't going to be returned for the right reasons. He was protesting treatment because he didn't want to have to tell you the truth as to why he needed treatment. Because he was in love with you, and had grown depressed. Yes, he had a fear of being institutionalized, yes he didn't want our father to find out, and that was a reason, but it was not his focus. He was more focused on his love for you.”

  
  


Merlin's eyes narrowed right back at Morgana. “But you  _ blamed _ me. For the  _ entire _ thing. You blamed me for Arthur's condition like I was the only cause --”

  
  


Morgana leaned forward from her seat on the couch opposite Merlin. “You  _ are _ the reason for Arthur's depression -- six different therapist have agreed to that fact on four different evaluations -- that is the reason why he's being treated for an unrequited love --”

  
  


But Merlin wasn't following. “And I understand that, but, in the same token Arthur was having nightmares and panic attacks at the age of twelve from a fear of being institutionalized while making plans if he ever fell into a depression. Don't you think that had something to do with his depression too once it started? Did you think that he was only depressed about me, and not the fact that his father could find out about his condition? Did you not think that he was depressed over his fear of being institutionalized too?”

  
  


Morgana wasn't following. “He is being treated for an unrequited love. Yes, he feared our father finding out about his depression, yes he feared being institutionalized, but it was  _ not  _ the cause of his depression --”

  
  


“ That's not the point.” Will interjected, following Merlin's lead. “The point is the fact that you told us all that the reason for Arthur's depression was based on Merls. And yes, he did have an unrequited love -- we all understand that -- but now you are also telling us that there were other circumstances too. That Arthur is  _ still  _ depressed because he doesn't see himself getting better. That he doesn't see himself improving fast enough to prevent his father from finding out. That he fears being institutionalized so much to the point that it is  _ still _ affecting Arthur -- and adding to the problem -- while he's been suffering from depression. Two additional problems, that have  _ never _ been brought to the floor before now.”

  
  


Merlin turned to Will, who was seated beside him and nodded thankfully, before looking back between Gwaine and Morgana. “That's exactly what I was thinking. That and the fact that you blamed me for this entire thing like I was the entire reason for Arthur continuing to be depressed. That and the fact that Arthur failed to tell me the same thing. Both of you allowed us all to think that it was only based on his unrequited love, and neither of you bothered to say anything about Uther, or Arthur's fear of being institutionalized. You both lied to me.” Merlin finished through gritted teeth.

  
  


“We did not lie --” Morgana tried to say before Merlin interrupted.

  
  


“ You  _ lied  _ to me.” Merlin repeated. “I've been sitting around, trying to figure out things, and blaming myself for things in between that I shouldn't have been blaming myself for, and I wouldn't have if I had known the truth --”

  
  


“No one could have known about my aunt --” Morgana said firmly, before Merlin spoke over her.

  
  


“I get it. It was a secret. A terrible family secret that caused a lot of traumatic damage to Arthur, and probably to you too, but it was no excuse to make me take the fall for it. It was also no excuse for you to allow Arthur not to be treated properly when you were forcing him to be treated. I'm pretty sure your therapist didn't know about Arthur's condition --”

  
  


“She knows now. I didn't know how serious Arthur's fears were at the time --”

  
  


“ Well that's just great! You didn’t realize Arthur fears since he was twelve -- while having recurring nightmares and panic attacks -- had anything to do with his fears now while you've been doing everything to prevent your father from finding out of Arthur's depression. It's a good thing that Nimueh knows  _ now _ after so much damage has  _ already  _ been done. The poor woman was probably working overtime fixing all of the damage while wondering why the hell her  _ techniques  _ weren't working properly. Damage that you  _ blamed  _ me for mind.” Merlin snapped. “In the meantime you blamed me for going against Arthur's recovery process and granted, it was selfish of me to interfere. Forgive me, I was in love, and I wanted to be with the person that I loved so I was jealous to learn that he had to  _ date  _ other people for his recovery process. That his newfound  _ dependency _ issues was keeping him away from me. I was upset because he had to  _ move  _ across town. I am a horrible person after all.” Merlin said mockingly, as he repeated some of the things that he heard, with the exception of him being horrible. “But you didn't tell me the urgency of the matter either. You didn't tell me what I needed to know to help Arthur or anything about the truth. And it's not just you, Arthur didn't tell me either --”

  
  


“Arthur wasn't in a condition to make any decisions during that month that you shared --”

  
  


“Maybe he wasn't. But he could have told me the truth. Just like I've been expected to tell him the truth, he could have done me the common courtesy of doing the same --”

  
  


“He couldn't tell you because we both have to agree for anyone to learn of that secret. That is a part of the pact --”

  
  


Merlin huffed. “And in the meantime, you allowed everyone to blame me for how quickly Arthur's condition declined. Like I was the  _ only  _ reason for it. You allowed Arthur to think that too I'm sure. Because he was starting to distance himself from me before his breakdown. That would have been the advice that Nimueh gave you right? That Arthur's continued decline was due to his unrequited love for me, his dependency issues -- because he didn't want to let me go. Because he didn't want to give up to get the help. Because he was placing his love for me over being treated -- and his loss of identity. That would be all that she could think of under the circumstances based on what you relayed to her since you  _ neglected _ to tell her the entire truth about everything else. You would have told Arthur this as well -- to show him why he needed to let go -- and everyone else. You were the only one in constant contact with Nimueh after all. Which would explain why everyone blamed me. It would have explained Arthur's change in behavior when he started distancing himself from me too. Even though that may have been expected with everything that he was going through at the time. But just the same. It wouldn't have been too hard. Not in his present state.” Merlin shrugged.

 

“His mind couldn't have been  _ all  _ there --  _ all _ of the time. Not as his condition worsened. Not during all those nights that you claimed how distraught he was while I had another bloke at our flat. Not while his mind was all over the place consumed by his thoughts while refusing to eat to think properly. Not while he was feeling constantly rejected by me not seeing his signs. By me not recognizing his love for me. Not while you were constantly questioning me about ever finding the right one, about looking for the right one, who I should have noticed was closer to me -- or innuendos of the sort -- in front of the lot -- in front of  _ Arthur! _ \-- while I would obliviously say comments to reply that broke my best friends heart every time. Not while he was feeling positively hopeless. And not while he continued to think that I would never love him back. If he was severely depressed, suffered from an eating disorder, and was dealing with all of his fears, and suicidal thoughts. It would have been all too easy to highlight my blame  _ without _ referencing the other problems too. And it would have been easy to get Arthur to repeat, and believe the same thing. He was broken after all. It would have affected his diagnosis if that was what he was starting to believe too. You could have done it in Arthur's state. If that was what it took to keep Arthur from thinking about his love for me for long enough to get him the help that he needed  _ before  _ your father found out. And before, you thought you would lose him for good. That would have taken priority to you. Because that was your pact. I see that now. 

 

You were trying to put Arthur's health first -- it really wasn’t about me -- but for a different reason entirely. And let's not forget the dependency and identity issues which is so convenient as it would pull Arthur away from me in order to treat him properly for it along with his  _ other _ conditions.” Because Merlin never believed that Arthur was  _ that _ dependent on him to be considered a problem, nor did he believe that Arthur's identity was so tied to his own either. It was why he always had such a hard time understanding that when Arthur explained it, and why he still does. Even though Arthur was diagnosed with those problems, and several times over it seemed. Because Arthur being in love with, and not wanting to let him go shouldn't constitute as dependency and a loss of identity. But if Arthur was led to believe that... It would certainly explain Arthur's struggle to believe that his love for him was real when he declared his feelings to him. Merlin thought to himself. “You were spending enough time with him. It would have been all too easy to influence that change in Arthur's behavior towards me in thinking I wasn't there wasn't there for him -- didn't care for him -- while he was spending less and less time with me to  _ know  _ that! When it shouldn’t have been a question after thirteen years of friendship. You may not have done that intentionally, but you did see me standing in the way of Arthur's recovery. Just as I've seen you as being the one who was taking Arthur away from me. 

 

And you claim Arthur is  _ dependent _ on me, that he has some  _ savior _ - _ complex _ , that he was constantly  _ sacrificing _ himself for me. Just because Arthur wouldn't turn away from me to be selfish, and to think solely of  _ himself _ , when he  _ knew  _ \-- and you did as well -- that I was reliving all of my traumatic experiences, and was being forced to deal with it. That I was meant to be processing those feelings on my own, and that I was suffering from nightmares. That I was confining myself to my flat aside from psychotherapy appointments, and I was completely distraught that Arthur had to leave me to go away for treatment.” Merlin clenched his jaw. “I needed to _ see  _ Arthur. And  _ my _ Arthur would have understood that. Which is why he still helped me. Because he loved me. Because he  _ sees  _ me. And there was nothing  _ wrong  _ with that. But you made it out to be. You could have helped him to manage both without, compromising his health, instead of seeing it as something horrible and wrong. And let's not forget, I was also going through things too. You couldn't have expected me to be perfect or make all of the best decisions right then either. Instead of criticizing all of my choices, and saying that I didn't put Arthur first you could have helped me to see what I was doing wrong instead of judging me for it. And you could have gotten Arthur properly treated all along, with  _ all _ of the information that was needed to accomplish it. You could have focused on Arthur's fear of his father finding out about his depression, or Arthur's fear of being institutionalized in favor of my being blamed entirely for Arthur’s condition. You could have used some of that energy there. Instead you sat back,  _ failed  _ to tell me about Arthur's feelings for me, failed to tell me about his depression, and you never got him the proper help! --”

  
  


“Arthur was protesting the help! --” Morgana said, on the defensive from Merlin's accusations, before Merlin interjected.

  
  


“Who cares if Arthur was protesting the help!” Merlin snapped. Merlin was tired of hearing that excuse! “He lost all of that weight. He was suffering from a severe depression, and he was still dealing with his fears from the past. He needed the help whether he was protesting it or not! --”

  
  


“Arthur refused to get the help! --”

  
  


“ Well than maybe you should have tried another technique or I don't know,  _ maybe _ you should have  _ told  _ me, considering he was in love with me in the first place!--” Merlin shrieked.

  
  


“Okay,” Gwaine interjected smoothly. “I think we are all very emotional right now, but I think we need to calm down, and discuss this rationally --”

  
  


“Discuss what, Gwaine?” Merlin scowled at him. “Discuss how Arthur didn't tell me that he was in love with me for years?” Merlin held a hand up to stop Morgana from speaking. “And yes, I am very well aware of my own shortcomings, but I'm talking about Arthur's here. He didn't tell me of his feelings. I didn't see it. He didn't tell me of his depression. I missed it. He continued to fall into depression -- he had suicidal thoughts -- and he didn't tell me anything that was going on with him. And then he had a breakdown. He came to tell me what he was diagnosed with when he returned from the resort, and what he was being treated for and yet, he failed to tell me about his fear of being institutionalized, or his fear that his father would find out --”

  
  


Morgana huffed, “it was a shared --”

  
  


Merlin could care less about a pact at the moment. “Pact. I know. And it was also a lie because he didn't tell me the entire truth. He didn't tell me everything what was at stake. That he had a timetable to get better by. Just like he didn't tell me everything that was wrong with him during our week at the lake-house...” Merlin trailed off when he noticed Morgana flinch. If he wasn't looking he would have missed it. “Did you _know_ what was wrong with him that week?” He asked Morgana, with a raised brow.

  
  


Morgana frowned. “We went to our father's the day before you left. Our father was questioning Arthur about his weight loss. He felt like he was being held under a microscope.” Morgana shook her head. “Arthur almost had a panic attack on the spot. He feared it was only a matter of time before our father found out.”

  
  


Merlin groaned inwardly. “ And so he's planned his own suicide to prevent his father from taking the choice away from him once he found out about Arthur's condition. If Arthur doesn't get better that is. And since Arthur sees being institutionalized as a death sentence -- since he fears it that much -- he's choosing  _ how _ he would like to die instead. While preventing his father from taking guardianship over him, from locking him up in an institution, and from leaving him there. All in an effort to not not repeat the past while trying to control his own present.”

  
  


“Yes.” Morgana responded softly. Because that would sum up her brother's idiot mind at the moment it seemed.

  
  


Merlin didn't know what to think about that, and if he didn't know Arthur so well he wouldn't have been able to figure it out. He sighed heavily. “He's trying to control his own situation. He's trying to make sure that the past doesn't repeat itself. And he's trying to control how he lives and how he dies. The only things that he couldn't control in his life was me, his father finding out of his condition if he fell ill, or being institutionalized if his father were to find out about that said condition. He couldn't control me and he couldn't control whether or not I loved him back. And since he couldn't control that he tried to make conditions for it. And I know a thing about that because that's why I created my walls. To control my own circumstances. To no longer feel the pain from those painful experiences. I’ve been doing that since the age of three when I started blocking the pain, and the words in my own mind to not drive myself insane. To keep my own measure of control in my life that I lost from my father’s abuse, and the bullying. It is also why I blocked off my feelings for Arthur, because I didn't know if those feelings would be returned. I controlled the outcome because I feared that I would lose my friendship with him. Arthur is attempting to do the same, but in his own way. And probably for a hell of a lot longer than you thought. You said that he made sure that he learned everything about depression to avoid falling into the same traps. And he may have _never_ fallen into those traps if he hadn't fallen in love with me. Someone who didn't _see_ his love. Who wasn't able to recognize it. Someone who was constantly rejecting him unawares. And on top of that -- he decided to give me signs to show his love instead of telling me. He was creating conditional circumstances for me to accept his love by those signs, and for his reasons, whether his reasons were valid or not. He wasn't able to control those circumstances --”

  
  


“Arthur's never tried to control you Merlin.” Morgana snapped.

  
  


“ No, he hasn't.” Merlin had to agree. “He's always given me the choice, and he's given me anything and everything that I've ever asked of him with the exception of allowing me to go to New York with him, allowing us to be together when I told him that I was ready because he wanted us to take the time to sort through our feelings without, us becoming romantically involved first -- which I allowed Arthur some leeway with, but he didn't get what he wanted there because I disagreed, and I  _ fought  _ him on it -- and not telling me why he was breaking up with me when we both knew that he wasn't telling me the truth. That he was trying to push me away instead of doing so. Something else I could have fought Arthur on, and won  _ if _ I didn't lose my temper. And  _ if  _ I didn't give up.” Merlin may not have known that last part then -- he may not have given himself enough credit on just how much influence he  _ does _ have over Arthur -- but he does know it now. Because if the entire lot was saying the same thing with no divisions, and they've watched him and Arthur together, when he was oblivious to it all. They couldn't have been wrong. He has more control than he thinks, and like Arthur. They rarely used it. Arthur would have listened. He was sure of it now. If he didn’t give up. 

 

He would have worked through the other influences Arthur was being subjected to in between as well, and their love would have been strong enough to conquer it. “Those are the decisions that I've  _ known  _ about of course. The deposited monies, I wasn't given a choice to decide, but after this discussion I have a pretty good idea why Arthur left me that money. And when did all of these changes start? During -- and shortly after -- our month together of Arthur's nervous breakdown -- with all of his other problems -- and my having to reconcile everything from the past and present along with dealing with my fear of losing Arthur. We made  _ mistakes _ . The signs over the years, he did to himself because I never noticed it anyway, and it was still based on conditions. Him not telling me about his love for me, he did by own choice, for his own reasons and that decision, just like my decision of not telling Arthur my feelings, were both done  _ without _ consent. We were  _ both _ wrong.” Merlin ran a hand through his hair. He sighed tiredly. “And I have given Arthur anything, and everything that he's ever  _ asked _ for of me in return over the years too except for granting a full waiting period for him to make a decision about us, without us becoming romantically involved -- because excuse me if I wanted to be with the man that I loved, and it was all a new experience for me -- not seeing him properly, and being supportive of him when he first told me about what he needed to do for his recovery, and asked for my support too -- which prompted my attempt to flee the country before I was able to see reason -- and supporting his having to date, and taking more time away from me for his recovery --”

  
  


“He told you that he needed time to make a decision, and advised you to take the time too --” Morgana started, before Merlin interrupted.

  
  


“ He did,” Merlin had to admit, “but he didn't trust that I was  _ ready  _ to love him for the  _ right  _ reasons. It was still conditional, and he still may not have believed my motives when we both recovered. And there was no guarantee that he would. Granted, he had a whole recovery process planned out, and he wouldn’t have wanted to become romantically involved with me while doing that. I know Arthur well enough to know that -- he would have felt guilty -- but he didn't trust --”

  
  


“And what did you expect, Merlin?” Morgana scowled. “You told him after seven years that you loved him --”

  
  


“And maybe I would have said something sooner before then --”

  
  


“And you told him that it wouldn't have worked --”

  
  


“ He knew nothing about my condition at the time, Morgana!” Merlin shouted defensively. “He didn't know. He chose  _ not _ to tell me because he was creating conditions for a favorable outcome for us both. To protect me, to allow me to have an easy out for the sake of our friendship  _ if  _ that was my choice, and to protect himself from getting hurt. And yes, he did it out of love for me, but it was still a condition that he placed for himself while leaving me an option to choose.” Merlin said while running a hand through his hair in frustration. He couldn't even be mad at that one because he made conditions himself for Arthur over the years too -- it is a form of attempting to  _ maintain _ control, in a situation when you feel you have none, even if that is not the case -- and Arthur apologized to him for that, but that was beside the point. Morgana needed to see it for herself. “He fell into a depression because he never saw my love for him being returned. Because he waited too long for it to be returned. He saw me continuing to reject him, and continuing to date everyone else, but him. He saw me fall in love with Robert, in his mind -- and yes -- I had  _ feelings  _ for him. He made it through my defense walls of protecting myself first and foremost because I wasn't  _ planning _ on anything more than a three-month fling, and Robert  _ planned _ differently. It was just as much of a surprise to me as it was to Arthur when he overheard Robert’s proposal but, it wouldn't have been enough to make me want to  _ marry  _ him or to  _ move _ to the states with him. Not like I  _ volunteered _ to do for Arthur -- except for the marriage proposal -- when he told me about his six month assignment, but that is irrelevant now as Arthur  _ declined _ my offer anyway. The fact of the matter. He couldn't hold out any longer with the signs, and the rejections because he continued to get depressed. But that was not the only reason is it?” Merlin asked, because he felt like he was getting somewhere.

  
  


Gwaine turned to look at Morgana to get her to respond. Because if anyone knew the answer it would be her.

  
  


She sighed. “I forced him to get the treatment when he had his breakdown to prevent our father from finding out, and to get him better. But he  _ agreed  _ to leave. He understood that it was best for him.”

  
  


And under duress too, Merlin was sure. “So that's when you were able to fully enact your pact? Once Arthur lost control?”

  
  


She nodded. “Yes.”

  
  


Interesting, Merlin thought. “But in the meantime, Arthur didn't completely trust that you would be able to follow through with your pact if he was still making plans to commit suicide right?” Merlin questioned, as Will's eyes narrowed towards Morgana.

  
  


Morgana glared at Merlin. “He trusted me. He was afraid of our father finding out --”

  
  


Merlin scowled at Morgana. “He did not  _ trust _ you, Morgana. Not fully. Not if he was still following through with his own plans as a backup. And he didn't trust me if he chose not to tell me the truth.”

  
  


“He does trust you, Merlin, and he trusts me too, but he was going through --”

  
  


Merlin sighed. “I get it. He is suffering from depression. Your fears and worries are heightened when you have a condition as severe as Arthur has without receiving treatment for so long. I get it. He didn't choose to block off his feelings so he continued to deal with it all. But in the meantime your plan is  _ failing _ . He didn't trust because he was afraid, and he didn't tell me because he couldn't afford to gamble what my response would be --”

  
  


“He did trust --”

  
  


Merlin shook his head. “No, no he didn't. Because I asked him several times at the lake-house, and on the drive up what was wrong with him, and he refused to tell me. He could have told me at anytime, but he refused --”

  
  


“And that was because of our --”

  
  


“Pact. It means nothing when you truly love someone. I gave my secret up freely to Arthur when I was about to lose him. Could I have done it earlier? I should have. But when it was time for Arthur to know because it interfered with what was happening between us. I told him the truth. I needed him to know why I acted the way that I did. Why I wasn't able to return his love for me until now. A secret, a pact, it means nothing under those circumstances. Arthur may not have seen that because of everything else, and because of the nature of your pact, but the fact remains that he should have told me. Especially when it was affecting everything that was happening between us, and was causing distance. Especially when I was trying to comfort Arthur. To be there. When I knew that he was going through something. He chose to lie to me in favor of telling me the truth --”

  
  


“He didn't lie to you, he wasn't able to say --” Morgana managed to put in, before Merlin cut her off again.

  
  


Merlin, was on a roll. “And what determines that? You said it was a  _ shared _ pact. Did you both decide  _ not _ to tell me?”

  
  


Morgana pressed the bridge of her nose. “He would have had to of gotten permission from me to share it.”

  
  


“ Did he ever  _ ask _ you to share it with me? Does he know that I am here now?” Merlin asked with a raised brow.

  
  


Morgana sighed. “He wouldn't have asked if he _knew_ what the answer was going to be. And no, he does not know that you are here, Merlin.”

  
  


Merlin nodded, and clenched his jaw. It shouldn't have been a surprise. “So that means that you would have told Arthur _not_ to tell me the truth. And you would have done so in favor of keeping your secret, and not, in favor of Arthur having a life with me. Something that you _knew_ that he wanted more than anything because he was in love with me --”

  
  


“It was to protect our family --” Morgana said defensively, before Merlin cut her off.

  
  


“ Arthur  _ is _ your family, Morgana. And you would have left him to be alone -- and depressed --  _ without  _ having him tell me the truth, and Arthur would have done the same, in favor of keeping a secret from the age of twelve because he was listening to you!” Except for the fact that Arthur wasn't planning on living much longer to keep a family secret, Merlin thought to himself painfully. 

  
  


“He had no choice!” Morgana shouted.

  
  


Merlin shook his head. “He had a choice. He chose wrong. He should have told me the truth, and trusted that I would do right by him like I have done for the past thirteen years. I never gave him a reason not to trust me before, and that has never changed. He could have told me. He chose to protect a family secret first.” Merlin placed both of his hands on his face to cover it for a moment. He was angry. Very angry. Angry to know that Arthur kept something so vital to their relationship from him, and angry that the stupid fool was suffering from it -- because of a stupid pact! -- because he didn't get the help when he was supposed to. He was angry at Morgana for making excuses. He was angry at himself for not seeing any of it. He was just plain angry! He lowered his hands and sighed deeply. He had to keep it together. This was a draining conversation, and there were still things that he needed to know. “Since you seem to know _everything_ do you think you can tell me why Arthur broke up with me?” Merlin asked, while raising both brows.

  
  


Morgana rubbed the back of her neck before responding. “He broke up with you because he didn't see an end to his situation, and he didn't think that he was going to get better. He didn't want you to have to wait for him only to end up not being with him in the end because he wouldn't improve or because our father would found out only to take him away. He didn't want you to have to go through that. He said that he loved you, and you deserved better.”

  
  


Merlin nodded. If only Arthur were here right now... “So he made the decision -- for me -- to protect me, because he didn't want me to be around in case everything went south because that  _ is _ what he thought was going to happen at the time. He acted out of fear.” Merlin didn't need an answer to that question. He knew Arthur. And he knew a thing or two about making decisions, and acting out of fear considering a good bit of his actions towards Arthur during their month together was also him acting out of his fear of losing Arthur. But Morgana nodded in response anyway. And he didn't need to be told that that was also the reason why Arthur cut off all communication. He would have done it to block himself from changing his mind, and to block him from confronting Arthur. To close off the avenue. Merlin groaned inwardly. That was  _ not  _ a decision for Arthur to make on his own. And if he knew what was going on with Arthur he wouldn’t have allowed it. “And once he got better, once his health improved, why did he choose to stay in New York when he was able to return to London? Why did he choose to stay instead of returning, and trying to make things right with me. He could have apologized, he could have done or said anything but he didn't. Why didn't he come back with you?”

  
  


Morgana licked her lips before answering. “He still didn't see an end to his situation. He wasn't happy --”

  
  


“He was dating Mordred --” Merlin thought he'd point out for the record, before Morgana interrupted.

  
  


“For his recovery --”

  
  


“That's not what I heard.” Merlin countered with a huff. “Yes, it was for his recovery, but he did a lot more than date.” Merlin nodded at Morgana's raised brow. “Yes, Mordred was quite forthcoming about what transpired between him and Arthur. He said it I'm sure to hurt me, but he said it anyway.”

  
  


Morgana took a deep breath. “Arthur discontinued everything with Mordred aside from a friendship, and he was still in love with you. His dating was  _ required  _ for his recovery. You've been dating over here too, and you have no problem doing so. How can you judge him for something he had to do because it was prescribed! --”

  
  


“ I didn't say that I  _ judged  _ him, Morgana.” Merlin was quick to say. “And yes, I started dating again. I was encouraged to do so too. You can't hardly blame me for trying to move on with my life. Arthur dumped  _ me _ . He didn't  _ want _ me. Yes, I knew he was lying to me, but the fact remains that he dumped me. I had every right to date, and every right to have sex, or whatever else I wanted to do, and no one can judge me for that!”

  
  


“ You just judged Arthur for what he had to do for his recovery. You just said that you were no longer together, and that you were dating, and having sex. How could you judge Arthur for something that he  _ had _ to do that was prescribed--”

  
  


“ I didn't judge him! But Arthur doesn't date anyone that he doesn't like. It is recorded for years extending that I have, and I have never been ashamed of that. It's my life! You can't even hold our dating, and sex lives in the same comparison. It would  _ never _ balance out. How can I even judge that?! But it was done. And Arthur certainly wouldn't have sex with someone that he didn't  _ care _ for at all. Which would make me call Arthur feelings for Mordred into question. I've known Arthur for thirteen years, and I know that he's always been that way about his relationships. I've watched him date before he abruptly stopped. I just didn't know why he abruptly stopped until now. He hasn't  _ changed _ . It's why he still sticks with the friends before dating motto. And yes, he did have to date for his recovery, but he didn't have to have sex with Mordred. And even if I don't consider a hand job something special, he still chose to do that.” Merlin shook his head inwardly. He's done a lot more than a hand job over the past several months -- he and Arthur are  _ not _ together -- and it's not like Arthur cheated on him. So unless Arthur is having hardcore sex... he is not going to judge him for that. And he still wouldn't be able to without judging himself first. Merlin chewed his inner cheek. But that didn't necessarily mean that he wouldn't have questions for Arthur regarding Mordred. Because he could certainly think of a few questions to ask right now. He sighed inwardly. “My question remains. If he was improving why didn't he return with you to London?”

  
  


Morgana's eyes narrowed. “He didn't  _ choose  _ to come back to London because there wasn't anything  _ left  _ for him here.”

  
  


And that gutted Merlin, his expression showed it. He swallowed hard. “Well,” he said, after he was stunned to silence for a few minute, tone hoarse, “if he doesn't have anything  _ left  _ for him here than I guess there's  _ nothing  _ more for us to talk about --” Merlin said, while rising from his seat, but Gwaine spoke up to stop him.

  
  


“There's more.” He said before scowling at Morgana. As Merlin sat back down.

  
  


Merlin raised a brow. “More than what you've already said? You've just finished telling me that Arthur wasn't coming back because there was  _ nothing  _ left for him here anymore --”

  
  


Gwaine shook his head. “Arthur was torn up by your break up, Merlin. He had some things that he was still dealing with of course. You two had a rough month together. Where you knew of your feelings, and the seven years never happened to you because you weren't affected, those seven years  _ still  _ happened to Arthur. He was  _ still  _ affected by it. There was some resentment. But there was also a lot of hurt. Not all from you mind, but he was also trying to reconcile things with himself too. And though he continued to say that he wanted you to be happy we knew that he was only lying to himself. That he was still in love with you, and that he was putting everything else first above his own happiness.”

  
  


Merlin didn't interrupt.

  
  


Gwaine ran a hand through his hair. “Arthur was left with the impression that you were happy, and that you were moving on. That you were dating again, and that you were getting on with your life --”

  
  


“ And  _ where  _ did Arthur get that impression from?” Merlin asked, through gritted teeth.

  
  


Gwaine swallowed hard. “You  _ were _ dating and you  _ were _ attempting to move on with your life. We  _ knew _ that. And by extension, so did Arthur. We neglected to tell him --”

  
  


“ That I was  _ coping _ ? That I thought about him  _ everyday _ ? That I  _ missed  _ him? That I was  _ still  _ in love with him? That I was grasping for straws, anything, to find out why Arthur broke up with me? That I was worried about his condition, his progress? Is that what you  _ neglected  _ to  _ tell  _ him?” Merlin's eyes darkened in anger because he already knew the answer.

  
  


“Yes,” Morgana answered for Gwaine, “we thought it was best to allow Arthur to move on with his life --”

  
  


“ Because you never  _ wanted _ me with Arthur in the first place --” Merlin accused, before Morgana piped in to interrupt.

  
  


“That is not true Merlin and you know it! --” Morgana shouted, before Merlin interrupted her right back.

  
  


“ How do I know it, Morgana?! How? Was it when you sent Arthur away from me without giving me any say in the matter? Was it when you moved him across town, and far away from me? Was it when you blamed me for not loving Arthur on  _ time _ or was it because I wanted to  _ date _ him? I'm confused.” Merlin said as he shook his head. “Maybe, it was when I fought Arthur for the additional  _ time _ to spend with him? To give myself a fighting chance because I loved him so much before he started dating everyone that you were about to throw his way in hopes, that he would never  _ look  _ back. Yes I was wrong to push, maybe I should have trusted Arthur more, but I didn't know the truth about the urgency in regards to Arthur's recovery now did I? Did you  _ want _ me to be with Arthur when you kept arranging for Mordred to be in the picture as you encouraged Arthur to contact him, to ask him out? Did you want me to be with Arthur when you arranged for him to reside in New York for six months instead of  _ two _ ?” Morgana looked surprised that he knew that last part, and he could care less that he was spilling information from his uncle at that moment. “Tell me how was I supposed to have known that you wanted me to be with Arthur in the first place?” Merlin asked tiredly, as he ran a hand through his hair roughly. “Maybe I was supposed to have noticed it when you blamed me for everything including his condition, my pushing against his recovery, and my wanting to be with Arthur. Maybe there's something else. Tell me how?” Merlin asked with a mocking tone. He couldn't calm down. He had months of pent up anger built up when it came down to Morgana. He couldn't help, but think that he and Arthur would have been together now if it weren't for her involvement. If she only helped them both instead. “You kept that secret, and you didn't tell Arthur to tell me the truth. He would have listened to you if you had. He loves you. He was  _ depending  _ on you. He was suffering -- he didn't see an out -- and you allowed him to continue to suffer without seeing an out all in favor of keeping a secret. When was I supposed to have noticed that you ever wanted me to be with Arthur in the first place?”

  
  


Morgana gritted her teeth. “I tried to convince him to tell you his feelings for you. I tried to get him to either tell you or to move on. I got him the help when you failed --”

  
  


“ Yes, I  _ failed  _ to see it.” Merlin was tired of defending himself. Everyone had stopped accusing for the most part, but he has heard enough to last a lifetime. The only person that he needed to apologize to -- about missing anything, about pushing, anything of the sort -- was Arthur. And if he didn't have to defend himself to Arthur, after his  _ first _ explanation -- who was the person  _ directly _ affected by all of this -- he shouldn't have to defend himself to anyone else. “Yes, I'm a horrible friend for missing the signs of Arthur's depression, and weight loss for one and a half of years while I was busy working -- having a life -- and not, knowing that my best friend was in love with me! Yes, I'm guilty of that, but I am in no way guilty of  _ all  _ of the things that you have accused me of. You kept things from me too that could have changed the outcome of this situation. Whether I returned my feelings for Arthur or not, I should have been told of his illness, and that he was suicidal. He  _ lived _ with me. I had every right to know, and you all withheld that information from me for years! You made me look like a fool in front of everyone, and you didn't think anything of me -- of how  _ I _ would feel -- during those years to find that out. You all claimed that I was unaffected so you continued with keeping the secret. But in the end, I've been just as affected as Arthur has --  _ without _ having to experience it -- considering those seven years have come back to bite me in the arse because everyone tried to blame me for it, and because Arthur's been dealing with resentment issues -- against me. And I  _ know _ that he is,” Merlin clenched his jaw, “no thanks to you. But of course, Arthur wouldn't  _ want _ to hurt my feelings by  _ telling  _ me preferring to suffer in silence unless I  _ push _ him to tell me which only makes it worse for the both of us later -- while he continues on his own to reconcile the past seven years of his life. And you didn't think I had the  _ right  _ to know? --”

  
  


“I told Arthur --” Morgana tried, but Merlin wasn't hearing it.

  
  


“ Arthur's not the blame for all of this!” Merlin shrieked loudly. While Morgana, Gwaine, and Will all recoiled by Merlin's high pitch. Merlin sucked in a breath to calm down before speaking with more restraint. Hurt and anger laced in his tone. “He was  _ suffering  _ from depression.  _ Severe  _ depression. He could have died _ . _ B y making  _ one  _ foolish decision. A vow held no meaning over that. I should have been told in favor of Arthur not getting worse, and you  _ all  _ allowed him to get worse. And what makes it so bad, overall? You  _ knew _ everything that  was at stake, Morgana, and you still kept that secret from me --”

  
  


“ I knew about your abuse, Merlin.” Morgana said suddenly. Gwaine looked at her in shock, Will frowned, but she was focused on Merlin. “I knew. I overheard that talk with your uncle, and my father and my father mentioned it.  _ Before  _ you came to London. Arthur and I. Except for the fact that Arthur wasn't tasked to pay attention as closely. I was. While he was tasked to be the lookout, and for us to compare notes later. He was reminded of it about six months ago as the reminder of my aunt brought the entire memory to the forefront for him along with the words about you and your abuse that were discussed. He said that he told you that our father knew. I never told anyone that secret because it was not my secret to tell.”

  
  


That jolted him. He had to admit. But he was not going to let Morgana get the best of him by giving her the privilege to see it. He knew how to keep his emotions in check just like Arthur when he needed to. He didn't spend years building up his walls for nothing. Merlin's eyes narrowed. He swallowed. His tone was full of venom when he spoke next. “Well..., I suppose I  _ should  _ thank you for keeping that secret, and  _ not _ treating me like your father has done over the years. I'll thank you for that, but that is  _ all _ that I am going to thank you for. Do you think you deserve a medal? Because you  _ kept  _ that secret? Maybe if you  _ told _ Arthur about it none of this would have happened. Maybe it would have helped him with his signs --”

  
  


“It was not my secret to tell --” She stopped, when Merlin held a hand up to stop her from speaking.

  
  


Merlin was done. But something that Morgana said, as he replayed her last words to him, brought another question to the surface. “You said that Arthur had a reminder of his aunt, that brought the entire memory of what happened during that time to the surface? Six months ago? When did that happen?”

  
  


Morgana paused, before she set her mouth into a thin line. “It was the night that he returned from the resort.”

  
  


Merlin’s eyes narrowed. “When he was with me? When he spent the night? When you kept calling him on redial, and he had to eventually call you back?”

  
  


Morgana’s expression was impassive. “Yes.”

  
  


But Merlin was one step ahead this time. “What triggered it?” Because there had to have been something that triggered it.

  
  


Everyone turned to look at Morgana to hear that answer.

  
  


She swallowed. “Arthur snuck out of the flat during his welcome home party. He shouldn’t have left to see --”

  
  


“What did you say to him, Morgana?” Merlin asked, tone strained.

  
  


“I threatened to tell our father if he didn’t follow through with his recovery process, and reminded him what was at stake.”

  
  


Merlin turned his head sideways at her, he took three seconds before he could say anything. He felt his blood starting to boil because he knew what that would have done to Arthur. Especially with his own attempt to flee the country the next day! Any security that Arthur felt would have left him at that moment. It also explained why Arthur had his own backup plans on top of backplans that was made. Even with Morgana, and their so called shared pact. It was another backup plan to protect him against threats from Morgana to tell Uther. Somehow Arthur must have known that he couldn't trust that she would be able to hold up her end of the deal fully to protect him, or that her methods of getting him help weren't completely sound. There had to have been some doubt. Merlin sighed heavily. No one else in the room said a word. “So basically, in an effort to control Arthur, to ensure that he followed through with his recovery, to keep him away from me, you threatened him with two of his _worse_ fears by telling him that you would tell his father, and knowing the immediate thought for Arthur that would follow it. You preyed on his fears to get what you wanted from him --”

  
  


“I did not!” Morgana shouted. “You are twisting everything. I did it because my brother needed help, and he kept putting you first. He needed to know the severity of the situation so I brought it back as a reminder --”

  
  


“You manipulated him,” Merlin said, while his eyes narrowed, “while you were trying to turn him against me to force him to focus on his recovery. Which is why you keep saying that he had no choice. You left him thinking that he had none. ”

  
  


“That is not true --” Morgana chided, before Merlin cut her off.

  
  


“You manipulated him,” Merlin repeated with certainty. Gwaine told him to put himself in Arthur's shoes before, and he was going to do it now. Because he was getting the full picture of what was going on, and he felt it in his gut that his earlier assumptions of Morgana manipulating Arthur were true. That she was trying to keep Arthur away from him. He only had to put it all together now. “Arthur was standing on a precipice, and the only way for you to gain control because I always had that control over Arthur was for you to break him. And in order for you to break him you had to spoil his impression of me. You had to taint it, and you had to make him feel that there was nothing left in order to relinquish that control that he gave me freely to you. Because as you stated, you could not enact your pact until, Arthur lost control. And since it was given to me, that couldn't be done with me unless you either severed our relationship, or told me the truth.”

  
  


And Merlin knew that he was right. He did have control over Arthur. He always did. Because he controlled his relationships. He allowed Arthur to have a level of control over him too though because he trusted Arthur with it. And he never realized how much control he had over Arthur until now. Everyone was right about that. They just never saw that he gave Arthur some control too. Because he trusted Arthur with that. And Arthur, Arthur never proved himself unworthy of that control, he always made him feel safe and protected. But the significant part of his and Arthur’s relationship... They _never_ manipulated each other. Morgana took control over Arthur by manipulation, and that was by tearing him down and making him feel like he had no other options left but to rely on her to get help. For the sake of a fucking pact! He had no real proof. But he felt it in his gut that he was right. Arthur was changing before his breakdown, and he was changing during their month together. There was no other explanation for his behavior aside from that. Depression or not, even though his depression would have affected it too. And Merlin didn't know what to think about that. Because Morgana attempted to turn something special between him and Arthur into something horrible.

  
  


Merlin clenched his jaw as he attempted to put all of his thoughts from past to present into words. While continuing to put himself in Arthur's shoes. “Arthur was more focused on his love for me. He wasn't as focused on his father finding out or being institutionalized because his love for me was a priority. That and my returning that love for him. His love for me, the feeling of it not being returned, over such a long period of time did make him fall into a depression. He continued to fall deeper into depression, and it worsened from the combination of his love for me, the fear that his father would find out -- after he fell into his depression -- and his fear of being institutionalized. He began to struggle with all three of those problems then -- along with his eating disorder.” Merlin said, while running a hand through his hair, his chest tightened, but he continued with his words. “It was a combination of all three things even though I  _ still  _ took priority for him. He wasn't giving up. He was still in love with me. He was still giving me the signs, and making the declarations, even though I couldn't see it. You two, have a pact. You were meant to step in to take care of things, but Arthur wasn't going to give up. Because he loved me too much.” It pained Merlin where he was going next, but he thought that he finally understood. 

 

“Arthur, was getting worse. He had an eating disorder, a severe case of it, and he still wasn't giving up. He was still protesting treatment, and he wouldn't allow you to control him because his love was still focused on me. He still thought about being institutionalized, and he feared his father finding out in the back of his mind, but it still wasn't a priority. Not as long as he had a chance to be with me. He could survive anything else if he knew that we could be together.” That broke Merlin's heart thinking about it because he could see Arthur's thought processes. “He still continued to get sick. He was losing weight, and wearing padding to work to cover it up. Your father was getting suspicious, and you were at a loss of what to do because Arthur still hadn't relinquished control to you because he hadn't given up on me. And if he stepped away from our friendship he knew for a fact that I would have pressed him to find out what was wrong. Just as it happened when he did. And he would have been forced to tell me. He didn't want to be rejected or accepted for the wrong reasons. He also was leaving me an out to save face for our friendship. He did not want me to be forced into making a decision because knowing Arthur he wouldn’t have thought it to be the right thing to do.” Merlin swallowed hard. “Here you are, at a loss. You were unable to get Arthur the help, and nothing you seemed to be saying or doing was working. So what was there to do? Because you had to keep your pact, you couldn't tell me that Arthur loved me because you had to keep your promise, you couldn't risk your father finding out, and you couldn't risk Arthur being institutionalized. You had to turn Arthur away from me --”

  
  


“That is not what --” Morgana started, but Merlin kept going. His gut feeling had never steered him wrong before. He knew there was something wrong with Arthur! He should have pushed harder!

  
  


“ \-- You  _ had  _ to turn Arthur away from me.” Merlin repeated, his tone and expression, pained as he continued. It broke his heart at the same time because he was about to unravel the hell that he went through over the past six months, and the events that led up to it. As he continued to mentally walk in Arthur's shoes. “And as you accomplished that, Arthur became more hopeless and eventually, he gave up, and finally gave you the control that you needed to get him the help. Because he lost all hope in me, and my feelings for him ever being returned. Which explains why he didn't believe me when he's never  _ questioned  _ anything -- on a subject of that level of importance -- that I've ever said in the entire thirteen years that we have known each other for. We’ve never had to question our own motives towards each other before either. It would explain why he went away to that resort, and it would have explained all the time that he needed when he returned from it. I was expecting Arthur to accept me because  _ my  _ Arthur would have. You messed with his head to manipulate him into giving up in order for you to get control over him to help him. And everything that you fed in him would have affected any treatments that he had. But you made a one major mistake, Morgana.” Merlin said, as his darkened while holding her gaze. “The three things that Arthur was focused on was his love for me -- which gave him hope -- the fear of his father finding out about his condition, and the fear of being institutionalized. You took away his hope, and with that, you brought his last two fears to the forefront. You too away his  _ faith _ . And that, is what is causing his erratic behavior, and his continued suicidal thoughts. And no, he wouldn’t think that he was going to get better. And yes, he would have sent me away because he wouldn’t want to put me through that. His love would override everything else, and he would think that he was doing it for me. Even though he was still the idiot that took that choice away from me.” Merlin finished, while gritting his teeth. Arthur would have taken that choice away because of his love for him, his loss of faith in his situation, and that stupid pact that was twisted in his mind to protect! Merlin screamed mentally in frustration, before being interrupted. 

  
  


“That is not true.” Morgana said defensively before Merlin immediately piped in. “I don't believe you.”

  
  


Because he didn't. Morgana has done nothing, but stand between him and Arthur this entire time, and though Arthur showed him his love, Arthur was distant. He was holding back. And he was afraid of giving him his love completely. Afraid of getting hurt. He was also waiting for the axe to fall -- for his father to find out. And Morgana’s convenient little reminder of his aunt, and that memory coming back to the forefront, along with his attempting to flee the country the next day -- cemented it. Arthur was left with no guarantees, from anyone that he trusted. And that explained why Arthur was not making any major decisions until they were both fully recovered. Because he didn’t think that he would. That, and the fact that there was a good chance of his father finding out. Especially when the one person, who swore, to protect him just threatened to tell that said father of his condition. He probably wouldn’t have gotten that far in his relationship with Arthur if he hadn’t pushed, because if he hadn’t, Arthur would have only stayed for support. Because Arthur would still do that, because his love was still there. Even though Arthur had given up hope that it would be returned before he declared his feelings. But he wouldn't be trying or push for more, not if he didn't think there was positive end to his situation. And Arthur wouldn't want to hurt him either. He would have tried to distance them. And he wouldn't want to guarantee anything that he wouldn't be able to follow through with. Until Arthur was sure that he could. Which meant, if it weren't for his pushing, against Arthur's recovery process, they wouldn't have gotten as far as they had. Not by any lack of love from Arthur, but a lack of faith for his own recovery. A lack of faith that he would get better, and _before_ , his father found out. Especially since Morgana brought those two fears to the forefront when she took away his hope. The return of hope was good, but the fears were becoming a reality too each time Morgana mentioned it. In her quest to keep Arthur focused solely, on his recovery.

 

But it also explained Morgana’s force every time he pushed, and every time he and Arthur spent more time together. She was trying to keep the control, because she was starting to lose it. So she made her way to the lake-house, mid-stay, to strike the final blow. To tell Arthur that he was father was close to finding out. And with that, she took away the last bit of hope that Arthur was starting to gain again. All in her quest again, to keep control, to follow through with the pact, and to keep Arthur focused solely, on his recovery. And Merlin had to give it to her. She was getting Arthur the help. Even if it was the _wrong_ kind of help. “Why would I believe you?” Merlin asked curiously. “You just said that you would do anything to keep that pact including lie, bribe – anything! -- to follow through with your end of the deal.” Merlin swallowed. “Somehow, I don't think that Arthur would have agreed to it if he knew that manipulating him, and breaking his spirit to make him lose control completely when he fell into depression -- to get him the help -- was part of the deal. Especially when he didn't trust his father, the one person that he should have trusted, when he lied to you both about the death of your aunt. Trust wouldn’t come very easily in those circumstances. I should know. And Arthur, he would have trusted you on some level. He did. His backup plans was an insurance policy for himself. And you used your influence during his weak moments to make my feelings for him look like it was nothing. He didn't believe it always of course. There were times when Arthur showed all of his love even though he was holding something back. But you kept constant communication with him this entire time, and you limited my communication with him. You couldn't let go of the control because you wouldn't be able to ensure that Arthur would follow through with his treatment if he focused on me again. As you said, he kept putting me first, above himself. He must have been torn. Torn by his love for me, and torn by the words that you continued to put into his head. He would have been confused too. And when all hope was lost, he did what he always did. He put me first, but he sent me away. Because he didn't think he would be able to have me. And in thinking of that Arthur wouldn't have thought that his fear of being institutionalized, or his fear of his father had anything to do with his condition when he explained it to me. He wouldn't have seen it as his major problem. Especially since you continued to tell him that his dependence on me, and his identity issues were the problem. Especially since you put so many things in his head to break him. There would have been no other diagnosis, but an unrequited love. Especially if no one shared the secret. And when you did share it, there was enough damage done that it would have still led back to an unrequited love.” Merlin ran a hand through his hair tiredly. “And while you were only focused on me. Arthur’s other problems did come to the forefront because without hope, that’s when you see the other things. You had those doctor’s focused on the wrong things, and now, Arthur is going crazy in his own mind because he’s not being treated properly for the real root of his problems. He needs real help --”

  
  


“That is not true.” Morgana protested. “Your making all of this up to put the blame on me when it was your --”

  
  


But Merlin wasn't hearing it, and certainly wasn't believing it. Not anymore. “What did it take? For you to get into Arthur's head to screw with it?” Merlin asked curiously, with a raised a brow. “Because you are right. Arthur is a genius. He always has been. And then considering the fact that he has so many layers of himself, and the fact that he’s made plans, and backup plans for years to avoid falling into depression, to avoid his father finding out about his condition, to avoid being institutionalized, and for me to see his signs... The proof confirms that for itself. And that's just in his personal life, we know what he can do in his professional one.” Merlin took a deep breath. “It must have been difficult, getting into a head like Arthur's to mess with it. It had to be subtle too. With little hints, insinuations, and opinions here and there until you wore him down enough in his pain and depressed state to let you in. It had to be subtle. Otherwise Arthur would have caught on to it -- depressed or not. And then, with his plans to show me that he loved me, that took precedent over _all_ other plans, because he loved me so much. It must have taken you a long time. A year and a half possibly? It would have taken a while to finish breaking him though, to the point that he lost all hope.” 

  
  


Merlin rubbed his brows tiredly. “But what you didn’t account for was my returned feelings for him, and my clinging so tightly to Arthur not wanting to let him go. You couldn’t have accounted for that. Considering the fact that the whole lot of you -- including my own family -- claimed that I was unaffected as a reason for keeping your vow to Arthur. I was oblivious to everything that was happening at the time right?” Merlin paused while scratching the back of his neck. “And how could you know of my feelings? I didn’t even know what my feelings were for Arthur at the time. Those feelings were blocked a long time ago.” Merlin's eyes narrowed, while holding Morgana's gaze. “I interfered with your plans to get Arthur the help because I loved him too, which gave Arthur hope in a hopeless situation. But not enough hope apparently, because he still had you to remind him over and over again of what a horrible pair we would make. He still had you to remind him of my lifestyle, and how horribly I've supposedly treated him over the years.” Merlin paused again thoughtfully. “So I guess you never hated me after all. This really wasn’t about me. This was about Arthur, and him getting the help, and you placing him first to do so. My involvement, my interference, became an obstacle to you in getting your way with Arthur to get him to focus on his treatment, and his treatment alone. Which is why you probably tried to make sure any dependency issues were broken, which is why you tried to get Arthur to think of someone else. To move on. It would also explain why you didn’t want to tell Arthur that I haven’t completely moved on. You wouldn't do that because you know for a fact that Arthur would have tried to make it right if I hadn’t.”

  
  


“You are twisting everything.” Morgana said in frustration. “The only thing that I have ever done is try to help my brother. To help him get better. And if I gave him guidance, if I showed him _anything_ , to help him see reason, I did it out of love. He needed to get better.” 

  
  


“I would hate to see what you do out of hate if that is the case.” Merlin ran a hand through his hair roughly. He sighed. “And any guidance, to show Arthur anything, was based on what you needed to do to follow through with your end of the pact. His happiness was secondary to getting him the help in the grand scheme of things. And doing all of this out of love, and of Arthur's need to get better... Somehow I don’t think Arthur will agree with you if he realized what you did to him to accomplish that. You said that I delayed his recovery. And yes, I did. I will admit to that. Because the quicker I stopped pushing the quicker Arthur would have gotten some real help. But I am not the _only_ person who delayed Arthur's recovery. Your interference delayed Arthur's recovery too. Even though I was blamed for the entire thing. And worse, your mind games to manipulate Arthur, to get him the help -- whatever words you were putting into his head -- your efforts to push me out the way, played a part in making his condition worse. And then you took it one step further, you broke Arthur's spirit, and that broke his fighting chance. And when Arthur was still trying to fight, you broke his heart, and that broke his soul. You left him with nothing to fight for, and yet you wanted him to _focus_ on his recovery process.”

  
  


“I’ve done nothing to keep you away from Arthur permanently!” Morgana shrieked. “The only thing that I focused on was getting Arthur the help. If he still loved you once he recovered, and you still loved him then that would have been fine. The only thing that I was working on was getting Arthur to focus on recovering. I wanted him to be healthy and happy again. Without, the risk of our father finding out about his condition.”

  
  


Merlin shook his head. “There was no guarantee that we would still love each other once we were both recovered. I knew that. It is why I fought Arthur so hard when he told me about his recovery process out of fear, and out of jealousy. I didn't want to lose Arthur as a result of that. And with the dating, the meeting new people, there was every possibility that I would, and little hope that I wouldn't. I had just declared my returned feelings for Arthur, after seven years of him thinking that I never wanted him back. I had just told him the story of my past. He was confused, and he doubted that I truly loved him. He was afraid, and he had every right to be. I understood that. And with that understanding I wanted the additional time, and the dating. Because Arthur didn't know that side of me. And inspite of what everyone told Arthur, about his love being there regardless of what he would have to do for his recovery; I know what happens on dates, and I knew that Arthur was confused. I wanted Arthur to remember what we had -- everything -- and what he would be giving up. I knew that Arthur loved me. That wasn't a question. Even though I was hurt when I saw him with Mordred.” Merlin paused thoughtfully. 

 

“I wanted Arthur to be reminded of why he loved me, and I wanted him to get to know me -- all of me -- with all of my emotions in tact. And while we were spending that time together, I would have a chance to explain to him my part in all of this -- why I missed everything -- while showing him at the same time how much I loved him. Something he wouldn't have been able to see if he distanced himself completely from me like you were suggesting while dating everyone else you threw his way for his recovery. So yes, I pushed selfishly -- against his recovery -- out of love, and out of fear, because I didn't want to lose Arthur when everything was said and done. And yes, I delayed his recovery process too. Because it went against what was originally intended for it. But my pushing wasn't the cause of making Arthur feel like all hope was lost, like there was no hope for his recovery, or for his happiness. My pushing was opening Arthur up again. While you were attempting to close that door. It gave him hope. It gave him the will to fight. But you, you broke us up to accomplish the task for your pact, without consideration of Arthur's happiness, or of what he really wanted, to get Arthur to focus on his treatment only, instead of trying to see what Arthur really wanted for himself, while trying to get him the right kind of help. And you used all of his fears to accomplish it -- to push, to maintain your control, to separate Arthur from me, to keep him focused -- which broke Arthur's will to get better. The only thing that you’ve done in all of this is make matters worse.”

  
  


“I am the one who has supported Arthur this entire time. The only thing that I have focused on was getting Arthur better. I wanted to see him healthy and happy again. That was my objective. And he _is_ getting the help.” Morgana said furiously.

  
  


Merlin glared at Morgana. “And he _still_ wants to end his life. He _still_ thinks all is lost. Good job on getting him the help.” 

 

Morgana clenched her jaw. “He is _still_ going through therapy now, and they are going to focus on _everything_ that Arthur needs to focus on to recover.”

  
  


And Merlin really hoped that he was wrong about Morgana, but he didn’t feel like he was. However if he was right... He didn't want to believe that Morgana would cause that much damage. Morgana tried getting Arthur help for a year and a half. He was protesting, and he wasn’t relinquishing control to her fast enough for him to get the help even though he was spending nights at her flat, and confiding in her. She would have been pressured on all sides, including from the lot, to find out what they could do. She would have also been questioned by Uther. He really did believe that she tried to convince Arthur to tell him or to move on, but if he continued not to do either, she would have had to try another tactic, and that would have been to cut the problem at the source. To cut him from the source. He also believed that she didn’t see Arthur’s other problems as major problems at the time. Because she only saw Arthur getting sick from his love for him. She would have been getting advice based on that too. And as she continued to tell whatever words she told Arthur on their own…those words were taking root because Arthur wasn’t in the proper state of mind at the time, and he would have been open to influence. And if Morgana saw him as an obstacle. If it interfered with Arthur being treated. She would have said or done whatever necessary to accomplish what she needed to do. That was their pact. He may not have proof of all of the things that she's done, but he knew in his gut that he was right about this. 

  
  


Merlin swallowed. It was so quiet in the room that he thought everyone heard him. He took a deep breath tiredly. In thinking of that pact -- about secrets -- it brought back to memory the jab that Morgana tried to rouse him with earlier about his own secret. His own abuse. He sighed inwardly at the thought. “I guess everything that you did to him to accomplish it was all for the sake of the pact right?”

 

Morgana gritted her teeth. “I did everything within my power to help my brother --”

 

“By keeping secrets --”

 

“Some secrets are meant to be kept! --” Morgana tried to defend, before Merlin interruped.

 

And Merlin truly was done. And he had only one more thing left to say. “Well, since you are so  _ good _ at keeping secrets, since you did manage to keep my past abuse a secret, please do me the favor of,  _ not _ telling Arthur that I am planning a trip to New York. And I am confident that you will do a good at  _ keeping  _ that secret since you managed to hold onto so many others quite nicely, and, you managed to keep everyone in the dark of Arthur's progress for the past five months --”

  
  


“Arthur --”

  
  


“Told you to I'm sure.” Merlin responded quickly, while rolling his eyes at Morgana, and cutting her off. She only listened to Arthur when it benefitted her to do so. Merlin thought to himself. “I'll need his address.” Merlin didn't ask for it.

  
  


“I'll text you the information.” Gwaine responded, while looking at Morgana.

  
  


“Thank you.” Merlin responded softly.

  
  


“What are you going to do?” Morgana asked in alarm.

  
  


Merlin raised a brow. “Everyone says that Arthur will do  _ anything _ that I tell him to do. That he  _ always _ puts me first. Because he  _ loves _ me so much. Well..., I guess I am going to have to put everything to the test because I am going to get him some help.  _ Real _ help. With doctors who will  _ know  _ the truth -- the  _ entire  _ truth -- and will know how to treat him properly --”

  
  


Morgana raised a brow. “I am his sister! --”

  
  


“ And you've done so well in ensuring Arthur's improvement.” Merlin said snidely, because it wasn’t a compliment. He started counting off the proof. “He now knows how to have two-sided relationships, he's gained his weight back, he knows how to identify dependency and identity issues, and he is not --  _ as _ – depressed. You've done such a bang up job there. You should pat yourself on the back for keeping up your end of the deal of your pact. You'd be worthy of it too. If it weren't for the fact that Arthur is  _ still  _ not happy,  _ still  _ thinks his life is over,  _ still  _ fears his father finding out about his condition, and  _ still  _ fears being institutionalized!” Merlin rolled his eyes. “But I am sure that Arthur still being in love with me wasn’t part of the plan for you with all of that therapy focusing on our  _ unrequited _ love, Arthur's so called dependency and identity issues, and his supposed constant need of wanting to place me first. I’m pretty sure you were hoping that Arthur and Mordred would have stuck, that Arthur would be happy with him, considering you influenced that relationship from day one -- and since you had control over Arthur at the time -- you had control over it. Something you never had during mine and Arthur’s entire relationship until he fell into a depression. Because no matter how close you too were, no matter how involved you are in each other’s lives, Arthur never allowed you to get involved with influencing his decisions on such a level. He used his own judgments. And in our relationship, we took care of everything ourselves, without interference. You wouldn’t have had that kind of influence over him until he fell into a depression, and it probably took you the whole year and a half or whatever your time period was  _ before _ you actually decided that you needed to break him fully to get him the help.”

  
  


“That is not --” Morgana tried to interrupt, but Merlin continued.

  
  


“ But you did such a wonderful job in taking care of Arthur while you were away. Oh, and let's not forget that he's  _ still _ having suicidal thoughts or that you  _ lied  _ to him, and told him that I moved on to finally close the door between us for good. I'm sure that you were hoping that would have helped Mordred too. But what you told Arthur, in so many words Morgana, is that I never cared for him, and my feelings for him weren't real if I could move on so easily. What you told him in so many words was that he was right in his fears for my returned feelings for him. That I wouldn't have loved him back for the  _ right  _ reasons. And he probably doesn't think that I ever did now. You've basically closed off all avenues from him to force him to get the help, and again, you also took away his hope when you took him away from me to force him to rely on you. But yes,” Merlin scuffed while rolling his eyes, “he's on the road to a full recovery  _ five _ months later. Since you don't count our month together. And let's not forget that you  _ left _ him there -- suicidal as he is you claim. Way to go with that one leaving him -- in New York,  _ alone, _ giving him all the time and space needed to drown himself in those same suicidal thoughts to accomplish the task.” Merlin's tone turned very serious. It was soft, full of emotion, and crystal clear. “You've  _ had  _ your chance to get Arthur the help. Real help. And you failed. You  _ saw _ what was happening to him, from the beginning. You and only you. Especially if you knew to plant that reminder of your aunt in Arthur's mind to bring that memory to the forefront. To remind him of his father, and to remind him of his fear of being institutionalized. Bringing those very real fears back from the age of twelve without security that you would hold up to your end of the deal this time, thanks to your threat. Those doctor's wouldn't have stood a chance if you kept on withholding information from them. They were listening to you when Arthur wasn't speaking for himself, I am sure of it. They had to listen to somebody and you were his sister. You knew of his past, they would have asked, you knew how he dealt with it, that he  _ never _ really dealt with it, and you knew about his fears. You knew  _ everything  _ that was at stake. Everything. And you stood behind your big family pact instead of getting Arthur better when he was, as you stated, unable to make his own decisions. 

 

And though a big chunk of his depression, the reason for his depression, is based on my relationship with Arthur. Of his being in love with me, without those feelings being returned. Of my being the source of his depression as his unrequited love.” Merlin had to roll his eyes again on the last part. “You knew the  _ entire  _ truth of everything else all along. You claimed that I was standing in the way Arthur's recovery, you forced him to get the help, and you failed to accomplish it because it wasn't  _ only _ about me. As you love to point out to me. And now, it's my turn now.” Merlin said, as he clenched his jaw. His tone became soft spoken as he continued. “I will keep you updated on his progress. A  _ courtesy _ , that somehow wasn't extended to me over these past few years. Because I know that you do love your brother even though you have a horrible way of showing it if you were willing to let him die -- as you gambled with his life -- just for the sake of a family secret. One that you started, which meant that you were the one who could have ended it.” Merlin paused in frustration. He took a deep breath. “You will know  _ everything  _ that's going on with him, but it  _ is _ my turn to get Arthur the help now.” Merlin said firmly, as he got up from his seat. There was nothing else left to say. He was done. He'd think about what everything meant to him later, far away from there. He turned to look at Gwaine. “I'll look for your text.”

  
  


Gwaine nodded tiredly. He needed them to go. He needed to have a nice  _ long _ talk with his wife.

  
  


Will didn't move. He looked at Merlin. His tone, detached. “I'll meet you in the car.”

  
  


Merlin looked at Will's inscrutable expression, and turned to Gwaine and Morgana one more time, and walked out of their flat.

  
  


Will looked at them thoughtfully for a few minutes before he said anything. “Merls won't say anything more to you out of respect for Arthur. And though I have respect for Arthur too, I don't have the same level of kindness that he's extending to you. He's been blaming himself for almost everything because he's been dealing with his own conditions, and trying to reconcile his past with his present. And in the meantime, Arthur was sick suffering from depression. And we listened to you.” Will said, while looking at Morgana. Because it wasn't Gwaine. He looked like he didn't know anything either, and was just as surprised as him and Merls with what was being dished out. “You led us to believe that everything was Merls' fault, and that Arthur was beside himself only because of him. And yes, you were honest in telling us that Arthur did not want your father to know, and you came up with the excuse of him being locked away in the Pendragon mansion...” Will trailed off turning his head to the side while looking at Morgana. “I guess that was as close to the truth as you were going to get.” She didn't respond. “You didn't tell us what was at stake. And you allowed us to blame Merls. I never took a side. Even though Merls is like a brother to me, even though I supported Merls this entire time. I stayed out of it because I also loved Arthur, and I could see  _ both _ sides of what they were going through. I did try to help Merls see reason, to understand Arthur better, to understand why Arthur would need the time, and I told Arthur of Merls' condition because I  _ knew  _ that Arthur would  _ want  _ to know, and Merls  _ needed  _ him. He didn't need the rest of us in the same way that he needed Arthur. He never did. I tried to help them both.” Will sighed. “Arthur's been nothing, but kind to me all of these years, and I know that he loves Merls. I wanted Merls to be sure of his feelings, but once he was I knew that he loved Arthur too. But you, you allowed everyone else to take a side. You may not have _ told  _ them to take a side, but the damage was done, and you never intervened. You never gave them the complete truth to give them what they needed to make a real choice on whose side to be on. Arthur was the one to come back home from the resort -- not even recovered mind -- to tell everyone to support them both. To think about what Merls was going through too. He shouldn't have had to.” Will said while running a hand through his hair. “I'm not going to say anything else. But I do think that you need to apologize to Merls for what you've put him through too. Because though he may hold some blame in this, he certainly doesn't hold  _ all  _ of the blame, and in some instances, he wasn't given what was needed for him to make the right choices. And I maybe overstepping, but I think you should tell the lot too. Because Merls  _ is  _ going to get Arthur better. I have never seen a more determined look on his face before than I've seen just now. If he's focused. If he sets himself out to do it. He  _ will  _ accomplish it.

  
  


He'll want to be there for Arthur just like Arthur was there for him when Merls was pushing everyone away. When he started to get depressed because of his circumstances, and never left his flat aside from his psychotherapy visits. It was Arthur who had to fight through that to help Merls, to get him to listen. It was Arthur, who worked with Merls on what Merls knew good and well he was supposed to have been working through at home, but was attempting to block out again by not opening up. It was Arthur who helped him through that. And now, Merls is going to do the same for him. Because no matter what you want to believe, just like Merlin doesn't need the rest of us like he needs Arthur... Arthur doesn't need the rest of us like he needs Merlin. They are equal in that regard. And they will  _ work  _ through it because they  _ love  _ each other. They'll work through it, because they are the closest of friends. Regardless of everything that's happened between them it will  _ always  _ come back to that.” Will said smoothly. He needed Morgana to see that Merls wasn't going to go anywhere. Because it didn't matter what Merls said, if Morgana was planning on interfering, she was  _ going  _ to interfere -- to help Arthur -- if anything that was discussed prior had anything to show for it. The only way around it would be to get her to understand or, if Arthur himself was in a better state than Morgana and Gwaine were making it out to be to call her off. Will sighed. “But Merls and Arthur are going to need support too. Because inspite of Merls' intentions, he is  _ still _ recovering. He may appear to be doing fine -- and for the most part he is -- but he is still trying to deal with things too. We can't afford a relapse in Merls anymore than we were able to afford a relapse in Arthur when he placed his recovery on hold to help Merls. They are going to need real support. From us all, with no exceptions. Everyone will have to do his or her fair share.”

  
  


Will rubbed the back of his neck and nibbled at his lower lip thoughtfully before continuing. “I also think the lot needs to be aware of what they are dealing with this time too.” Will shook his head. “You should have trusted us, Morgana. Arthur too. But we weren't dealing with Arthur at the time when we were working out how best to support him, or when we were helping him with the signs – when he was the one falling deeper into a depression, and continuing to lose weight -- we were dealing with you. You were the one advising us on the best way to help. And Merls was right, Arthur opinions shouldn't have mattered anyway if he was talking crazy talk. And after all of these years, you had to have known that we would have kept that secret. That we would have protected it to the end. Considering the fact that it has been  _ two _ years since Arthur's been struggling with depression, and your father  _ still _ hasn't learned of his condition. Considering the fact that Leon and Lance have been slammed at Pendragon by your father in his attempt to find out what was going on with Arthur, and they've still -- months later --  _ without _ knowing what was going on with Arthur, thanks to you, have continued to maintain Arthur's secret. That's how much they love Arthur. That's how high they hold Arthur in regard for all of the things he's done for them over the years. No one would have allowed anything bad to happen to him. Because they know that Arthur would have done the same for them. That he has. And they would have done the same for you too. We've all proven it.

  
  


And that is not the only reason why they should be informed. They may have apologized to Merls already, but he deserves to be exonerated for at least half or more of the things that he's been blamed for. And yes, everyone may have apologized, but I am quite certain they haven't forgotten. It's human nature _not_ to forget. They should to be told, and it would be better if it were coming from you.” Will said, while looking at Morgana before turning to Gwaine while rising from his seat. Gwaine nodded to him, but Morgana didn't say anything. She looked drained. Tired. And speechless. Will didn't know if it was from the long flight, the baby, or if she was actually feeling _remorseful_. But to be remorseful one would have to _see_ that they've done something wrong, and Will doesn't think that she has. She never responded to him. And he didn't prompt her any further either. He knew her well enough to know that she was listening. “Well,” Will said, once he stood up fully, “that's all I have to say for now. If you will excuse me, I have a friend that I have to get ready to send on a trip.”

  
  


He looked at them one last time before turning towards the door, and leaving Morgana and Gwaine's flat to leave them to it. He doubted from Gwaine's expression that he and Morgana were going to be quiet for much longer.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

They sat in silence for sixty seconds before Morgana reached over to touch Gwaine. He flinched from the motion, and moved on the opposite end of the couch. His face was drained of color. His expression, torn with pain, anger, and hurt.

  
  


“Gwaine,” Morgana tried.

  
  


Gwaine shook his head.

  
  


“Gwaine please,” Morgana tried again.

  
  


“No, you can't Gwaine please me this time, and think that that is going to fix everything.” He said, while shaking his head.

  
  


Morgana's eyes widened. “You can't believe him. Merlin hates me. He would do whatever it takes to destroy me, and to harm my relationship with Arthur. I would never...” She trailed off, when Gwaine raised a hand to stop her mid-sentence.

  
  


Gwaine swallowed hard. His tone was hoarse. “If only half of what Merlin said was the truth, do you realize what you have done?”

  
  


Morgana shook her head in frustration. “He is _lying_ , Gwaine. The only thing that I have ever done was try to help my brother --”

  
  


“By manipulating him?” Gwaine shouted. “By lying to him? By taking away his hope all for the sake of a pact? By breaking him? And what about what you did to Merlin? What about how you tried to destroy his reputation among the lot by leaving him to take the fall for all of this. All for the sake of a pact!”

  
  


Morgana clenched her jaw. “I did not cause the division among the lot. I did not tell anyone to blame Merlin or to stop talking to him. I simply relayed the information that I learned as I seeked information to help Arthur with his condition --”

  
  


“It was based on lies, Morgana! You never gave those therapists the full truth. What other conclusion could they have drawn, but an unrequited love? And by then, it was all you had stuck in Arthur's head to believe. And if Merlin was even half right about that, Arthur mind is probably fucked up right now with everything that's going on in it. What conclusions would the therapist have drawn if everything that they've heard was of Arthur's unrequited love. You had them focusing on the wrong thing, for all of this time. While you managed to keep that secret until Nimueh called you out on it, and I am pretty sure that you didn't tell her everything even then. All for the sake of keeping your pact!”

  
  


“The blame does not rest on me with this!” Morgana shook her head. “The only thing that I was trying to do was help my brother get better, while doing whatever necessary to ensure that my father did not find out about Arthur's condition, and that is all! Merlin is twisting things. He wants you to think that I've done something wrong, he wants to come between us, he wants to come between me and Arthur --”

  
  


“You really don't see it do you?” Gwaine said, while rising from his seat on the couch. “You really don't see your part in all of this. The damage that you've caused. You made everyone think that this was all Merlin's fault. You manipulated Arthur to the point that he now _wants_ to commit suicide -- before he was only planning it as a backup -- because he thinks his life is over, and you better hope to god that Merlin can fix it because I would never be able to forgive you if something happened to Arthur over this. He is like a brother to me, and you know it. And Merlin, you better hope to god that he doesn't have a relapse while helping Arthur through this either because I don't think I would be able to forgive you for that either.”

  
  


“Gwaine --”

  
  


“I don't want to hear it, Morgana!” Gwaine yelled. “You lied to me. You lied when you told me that there was nothing else left to tell, and yet, you were still holding back on me. How can I trust one word that you say now if you couldn't tell me the truth then?”

  
  


“That was everything, I love you, you know that!” Morgana said, hysterically, while getting up from the couch. Her eyes, watering, taking in the seriousness of her situation with Gwaine. Her tone was hoarse. “You do know that, don't you?”

  
  


Gwaine ran a hand through his hair in frustration. The tears, unbidden, beginning to fall from his face as he took in his wife. His expression, his tone, pained as he continued. “The sad part is. I do know that. I do know that you love me. You just didn't love me enough to tell me the truth when I needed to hear it. Twice. And on top of that. You destroyed the person who is like a brother to me, and you attempted to destroy one of my best friends. You may not have intentionally set out to hurt Merlin like he said, but you did hurt him, you knew that everyone was blaming him, and you allowed him to take the fall, all for the sake of a pact. And because you didn't want us to know the truth --”

  
  


“Gwaine please --” Morgana gasped out, tears falling, but Gwaine wasn't listening.

  
  


“I can't...talk...to you right now, Morgana. If I say...anything more,” Gwaine swallowed hard, before shaking his head. “You won't like what I have to say.” He shook his head, before placing both hands over his face to wipe his tears.

  
  


Morgana felt a chill run down her spine. “What?” She sucked in a breath. “What are you saying?”

  
  


Gwaine lowered his hands, his face was red, his eyes, still full of tears, his heart was breaking even while he was thinking. “I am saying,” he swallowed, “I am saying, that I need time --”

  
  


“Gwaine -- no! -- we can work it out --” Morgana tried, the tears still falling, but Gwaine shook his head.

  
  


“I don't know if we can work it out, but if you push me right now, instead of giving me the time to think then I promise you, you will not like my response.” Gwaine responded in all seriousness.

  
  


Morgana gulped, as Gwaine's threat silenced her, but her silence ended quickly, as Gwaine started for the bedroom. “What are you doing?” she asked, in a panic.

  
  


Gwaine didn't respond as he continued to walk to the bedroom, to grab his suitcases that were still packed from their journey.

  
  


“Gwaine?” Morgana called out again.

  
  


“I'm getting my things,” Gwaine responded, his tone hoarse.

  
  


Morgana's chest tightened. “Where are you going?”

  
  


Gwaine shrugged. “I don't know. I would go to my father's, but I don't feel like answering any questions right now. I think I'll go and crash at Gwen and Lance's for the night while I take some time to think.”

  
  


“What about Autumn?” She tried.

  
  


Gwaine turned to her, his tears were falling unbidden again. “Whatever happens between us... it will not affect anything that happens with our daughter or our son once he is born. This is about you and me. And right now, I need some time to think, and so do you. I think Autumn should spend the night at Elyan and Viv's. And before we bring her back home, you and I will need to have a nice long talk. Once I can wrap my head around everything that is going on.”

  
  


“I was only trying to help Arthur.” Morgana tried again, as the tears fell from her cheeks. He needed to understand.

  
  


Gwaine shook his head. “And the sad thing about that is that I believe you. I know how much you love Arthur. I grew up with you both. I know how close you two are. But somehow, I don't think that Arthur would have agreed with your plans if he knew that it would have costed him everything that mattered most to him in his life. Or if it meant that you would have to destroy the one person who gives him hope for living. Somehow, I think he would have told you not to bother. Because he would rather die before seeing anything happen to Merlin. That is how much he loves him.”

  
  


“But Merlin --”

  
  


Gwaine raised a hand tiredly. “I don't want to hear it, Morgana. I think you need to take the time to think about your part in all of this. Of what you are going to say to everyone if you do choose to do the right thing by telling the lot about your aunt. But for now, if what you have to say doesn't have anything to do with you seeing your part in this, I don't want to hear it.”

  
  


“I love you,” Morgana tried again, while trying to walk towards Gwaine, but Gwaine backed away shaking his head. The rejection felt like the same equivalent of a physical blow, and Morgana staggered backwards in agony.

  
  


“If you can't see what you've done, if you can't see how you destroyed Arthur, or what you did to Merlin, there is nothing else left to talk about. I'll see you in the morning.” Gwaine said, while grabbing his bags, and walking out the door.

  
  


Morgana looked at the door, stunned, before she started to shake from the reality of the situation. She crawled into her bed as the tears continued to fall. She didn't stop crying as she pulled the blankets over her, and curled it around herself. Her first thought was of Gwaine, her second was of Arthur, her third thought -- as she continued to cry -- was regret for sharing her secret in the first place. Because secrets were meant to be kept for a reason. And seeing the consequences of it, she still had to agree with that. She could have gotten Arthur the help some other way without, telling anyone. Because no one, would ever understand. No one would ever understand that what she tried to do was necessary. That she was trying to look out for everyone concerned, while keeping all of their secrets, and, while helping her brother get better. Why can't anyone see that?!

  
And then she thought of Merlin. Of the deplorable things that he said to her. And of his accusations. No one was upset about that! He basically accused her of sitting there, and planning an all out attack on him. To strike him down. To harm him. Like she would do anything like that! Like this had anything to do with him. And yet, he made it look like she orchestrated this entire thing in an all out effort to destroy. And as always, he made it all about him. Like everyone is supposed to apologize to him all _over_ again, as though he's done nothing wrong. It must be inconsequential how Merlin's hurt her brother for years, pushed against Arthur's recovery -- by fighting against Arthur's request to take the additional time needed for him to recover -- failed to support Arthur when he needed him the most, and lied to Arthur for years. Not to mention the fact that he blocked his feelings for Arthur. Merlin chose to make that decision to block those feelings off. If anyone should be blamed for coming between him and Arthur it should be him because he was the one who knew about his feelings first. Arthur didn't have an inkling of Merlin's feelings for him because his attempts were completely ignored as Merlin continued to accept over advances from blokes who'd done nothing more than bat an eyelash for Merlin's attention. Why would anyone want to tell their feelings when they were up against that? Maybe if Merlin didn't get involved in the first place, Arthur would have been better off now. She groaned. Merlin wouldn't understand. He would _never_ understand. Because he thought it was _always_ about him. And never about Arthur. Because Arthur continued to give him everything that he wanted over the years -- he _spoiled_ him -- and when Merlin doesn't get what he wants, he does what he always does. He whines, and he lashes out. Just like now, and from the day Arthur got on that plane to go to the resort. Accusing her of standing in between him and Arthur, like what was happening to Arthur wasn't affecting her too. Her own brother! As though Merlin, being with Arthur, was more important than Arthur getting better. Morgana shook her head inwardly. As always Merlin failed to see the bigger picture. That wasn't _only_ about him, but about Arthur's recovery too. Maybe if he did see the bigger picture -- without getting involved -- none of this would have happened.

  
  


And it wasn't as though she was planning anything against Merlin. She never hated Merlin. She tried to get Arthur to either tell his feelings or to move on. She told Merlin that it would be Arthur's choice if he wanted to be with him once he recovered. That she was not standing in the way of that. The only thing she was focusing on was Arthur's recovery. And not, plotting to hurt Merlin. As he conveniently placed out there to throw more blame towards her. He didn't see the pain that Arthur went through over the years. He didn't see Arthur's suffering. He just expected everything to go as it was just because he had a reason for his behavior towards Arthur. A reason for not accepting Arthur's love before, and a reason for rejecting him repeatedly. As though a reason would cover everything -- without taking the time to process it -- after seven years. He completely disregarded the fact that Arthur was severely depressed, and needed help to get better. She wasn't trying to hurt Merlin deliberately, she saw the damage that was done, and she tried to get Arthur the help. And no, it wasn't about Merlin once the decision was made. It was about her protecting her brother. Something that Merlin wouldn't be able to see if he was constantly putting himself first. Like he's done all along if his reasons that he gave behind his actions had anything to show for it. Even now, he's only attempting to help Arthur to try to keep them away from each other, or to have Arthur in the end, and not, to actually get Arthur better as he claimed. If she worried about Merlin being with Arthur after they both recovered, that would be the reason. Because Merlin would protect himself first, he would place himself first, and he wouldn't listen to Arthur when Arthur needed him to. All prior history can attest to that fact along with Merlin's admittance, and one week at the lake-house doesn't constitute a change in Merlin's behavior for the better. She was right. Arthur fell in love with the wrong person, at this point in his life, for a first love. And on top of that, he had to fall for the one person who couldn't see his signs, or hear his declarations of love. And if that weren't a slap on the face, it took seven years for that to change. What was she supposed to do under those circumstances? Continue to let her brother fall deeper and deeper into a depression while all of his efforts failed, and he continued to refuse the help? Was she supposed to stand there, and continue to watch? No one would understand what it was like to watch that. And under the circumstances, she did what she thought was best.

  
  


She would have to think about what to say to Gwaine in the morning. She had to make it right between them. And that would mean that she needed to apologize. She would also need to tell the lot about the story of her aunt. She would have to tell them about how the trauma of everything that occurred affected Arthur. That she didn't realize how badly Arthur was affected by it, and that she did not tell them about it because she didn't realize how it affected Arthur's depression now. She would have to say that Merlin was not entirely responsible for what happened as Arthur's condition continued to decline. Even though he was still the source of Arthur's depression, and that he was still responsible for some of the things that happened before Arthur's depression spiraled out of control. She would have to say that he still affected Arthur's progress by pushing against Arthur's recovery process, and by not supporting him fully. She would then have to add that Merlin would not have been aware of some of the damage, that he would not have known how some of his actions affected Arthur. She would have to say that they weren't aware that any of this was going to happen. She would have to do it, she had no choice, because she knew that Gwaine wouldn't settle for anything less. He would want her to make it right. It would be the only way that he would forgive her even though it was Merlin who threw those accusations her way like she was entirely responsible for it all. Even though Merlin had no proof of those accusations and yet, Gwaine believed him anyway. It wasn't fair, but she would do it to save her marriage, and to make sure that Merlin did not attempt to separate her from her brother.

  
  


She would have to think about what she was going to say to Arthur too. And before, Merlin starts to stick his claws back into him again. Because she was certain that Merlin would attempt to do whatever was necessary to damage her relationship with her brother. He always wanted Arthur to himself, and she was not going to lose her brother over this. She would talk to him. He would have to understand. He is her brother after all. He would understand that she was only trying to do what was right. To help him, to protect him, to protect the pact, and to make sure that no harm came to him. She would never try to harm him, she was only trying to get him to see reason, to force him to see what was at stake, and to get him to focus on his recovery. Because she loved him. And if Merlin thought that he was going to keep her away from her brother... He had another thing coming because that was _never_ going to happen. She was always there for her brother before, and she would continue to be there for him now. Arthur _would_ see reason. She was sure of it. Especially once he found out that she exonerated Merlin for most of the things that he'd done in the eyes of the lot, by telling them of their aunt. He would have to. He would know that she was only looking out for him. He would understand. And if Arthur does become upset, if Merlin does succeed in trying to turn Arthur against her momentarily, he would forgive her. He would see reason. Merlin wouldn't be able to come between them forever. She was sure of it. And with that last thought, she succumbed into sleep. The tears, still falling from her closed eyelids.   
  
  
  


 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merlin and Arthur will meet again in the next chapter.
> 
> A penny for your thoughts.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to thank everyone for sending in such wonderful reviews. Please don't stop. It continues to encourage and inspire me while writing this story. I apologize for the delay in posting this chapter. I haven't been feeling well at all over the past few weeks and though I continued to write, I delayed posting because I couldn't focus enough through the migraines to review what I wrote. So again, my apologies for the delay.
> 
> This chapter is unbeta'd. If you see anything please feel free to let me know, and I will make the necessary adjustments to correct it. There are some minor triggers in this chapter for suicidal thoughts but nothing major. With that being said, I hope you enjoy the chapter.

Three days had past since Morgana, Gwaine, and Autumn left and Arthur was starting to feel the loss. He was alone. Alone. But not, completely, in a bad way. He missed everyone, certainly, but he realized that it was time for everyone to move on with their lives. That he couldn't continue to have everyone worrying about him. That it was time, time for them to take care of themselves. He didn't expect it to be much longer before his father found out about his condition which meant it wouldn't be much longer for him to make his final arrangements. Now would not be the time for others to be focusing on him. No one needed to know what would happen next, and if everyone were allowed to move on with their lives now maybe his absence wouldn't mean as much. They would all be happy, and he would be able to leave, knowing that they would be.

 

Arthur thought about the past few days while changing into his joggers for a run. He continued going to work. Continued to have Aggravaine looking over his shoulders for evaluation, and continued to do his job in training Aggravaine. He learned how to keep up pretenses, that was for certain, but he was getting to the point where he cared very little about keeping up pretenses any longer. He almost wanted his father to find out because at least if he did, he wouldn't have to continue to place his life on hold any longer waiting for the inevitable to happen. And maybe, he would finally gain some control over his life too. Arthur paused to wonder if he ever had control over it. Because he didn't feel like he did. Either he was trying to avoid falling into a depression, trying to avoid falling into the same state of his aunt, trying to avoid his father finding out his condition when he fell into a depression, trying to avoid being institutionalized, or trying to show Merlin that he loved him through his signs -- through his declarations. But none of that mattered. He didn't have control in any of those things because they were all based on circumstances as Dr. Alator stated and what ifs sceanarios. And each of those circumstances, his plans, had unraveled or was unraveling, before his very eyes. Arthur wondered how long ago had it been, how long had it been since his life completely spun out of control without him noticing it. Because the only thing that he did have control over was his work, and choosing how he was planning to die. One was based on what he could do, because he was born into it. Because he knew exactly what to do at such a young age and was gifted with knowledge, a creative mind, and a one hundred and ninety five IQ score to go along with it. Things he didn't necessarily ask for but was granted with anyway. The other, based on his own carefully laid plans and that was all. And ever since he fell into a depression, he continued to lose control over everything until he couldn't see an ounce of control left.

 

He continued his sessions with Dr. Alator as he continued to wait for his father to find out. Dr. Alator continued to work with him on his relationship with Merlin. The only thing was, he and Merlin weren't involved as a couple. They were getting there, but it wasn't supposed to have gone further until they had both recovered. It was something that he was clear on the topic of when he spoke with Merlin, when he returned from the resort, and as they continued. He never wanted to hurt Merlin, and he knew that they both needed time. That he himself needed time, and he wanted Merlin to take the time too. Even if Merlin disagreed and continued to say that the time wasn't necessary for him. Arthur felt his chest tighten. If they had taken the time, like he requested, Merlin would never have been jealous of Mordred, or of the fact that he needed to date for his recovery process. Maybe he wouldn't have felt it necessary to prove his love even though he never asked Merlin to do so. And he may not have said the things that he said that caused problems between them during his recovery. Dr. Alator continued to ask about his feelings for Merlin even though his feelings for Merlin had never changed. And what was he to say? He loved him, but he knew that Merlin was happy, was moving on with his life, and he accepted that. Who was he to question it? To be angry with Merlin over it? It was Merlin's life. He never had any control over Merlin's life before, and he never tried to. They were best friends first. The best of friends, and their relationship was based upon that friendship. Merlin had always had relationships, had always had flings. Who was he to question Merlin getting involved in relationships again? It was certainly Merlin's prorogative, and Merlin deserved every happiness in the world. It would also make things easier -- later -- if Merlin was happy with someone else. Not necessarily for him but for Merlin. Even if it hurt on the inside to know now. He couldn't tell Dr. Alator all of this but it was all he could say in response to that question.

 

Dr. Alator asked again about his and Merlin's breakup. Because relationship or not, they had a friendship that lasted for years, and they had a history. Dr. Alator asked again about him not telling Merlin the truth about his aunt. He continued to answer Dr. Alator honestly. Well..., as honestly as he could under the circumstances. He told Dr. Alator that he didn't think Merlin would understand, and he knew that it was a something that was meant to be kept secret. Something that was only meant to be kept between him and his sister. Arthur had to pause while he ran to catch his breath. It wasn't entirely a secret any longer with Dr. Nimueh, Gwaine, and Dr. Alator knowing the truth, even though they didn't know the entire truth. For Dr. Alator, to answer his question -- with as much truth as possible -- he stated that he knew that Merlin would have tried to tell him what to do but wouldn't have understood everything at stake. Which was true because Merlin would try to take control over the situation based on what he felt was right not necessarily asking him what he thought of the matter -- he would push -- and Merlin would not have known everything that was at stake without knowing about their family secret. And if he did tell Merlin about everything; the question next would be if Merlin would take their family secret, what it entailed, and how it affected him seriously. And even if Merlin did, how could he understand? It wasn't something that he experienced? He didn't know how this impacted him, or how it was affecting him now. It was too much, at the time. And with all of the pressure on him at once... The pressure of his father finding out, the thoughts of being institutionalized. Merlin incessant questions back then about what was going on all of a sudden when he never showed any interest about his condition or of what was going on with him since he found out about his illness if it didn't apply to their relationship -- 

 

Dr. Alator had pointed out of course that Merlin had dealt with fears of his own, and that he may be able to understand on that level basically throwing back some of Arthur's previous words back at him when they talked about his identity issues in previous sessions. But Merlin's fears and his fears were two different things. And Merlin was always strong. He dealt with his fears when he was forced to face them, he learned how to cope with it, how to heal, and how to survive. He was a survivor. Hell, Merlin learned how to block his emotions throughout the years to avoid having to deal with what was bothering him including Merlin's feelings for him. He and Merlin, how they dealt with things, were completely different. Of course Dr. Alator had to point out -- and Arthur had to wonder if Dr. Alator was taking sides between him and Merlin because he wasn't supposed to be signed up for relationship counseling. And given the fact that he and Merlin were no longer in a relationship it was likely that was going to change due to his own current situation and the fact that Merlin has moved on -- that this may have been a problem with him because he didn't deal with his problems -- didn't cope with it, when his aunt past away. He also felt the need to add that he never dealt with the issues surrounding his father either, that he only tried to set up means to protect himself. And just when Arthur thought Dr. Alator was through... he chose to remind him of his signs and declarations that he chose to use to declare his love for Merlin instead of dealing with that problem head on and telling Merlin that he loved him, and accepting either answer whether it be a positive one or a negative one. Arthur couldn't find it in himself to completely disagree with everything. Because some of it was true. But at the age of twelve, with no where to go -- no one but Morgana to confide in -- there wasn't any way for him to fully deal with the death of his aunt. Especially if his father wasn't sharing. And as an adult. The thoughts were there every once and a while when he thought of his past, of his family, those who'd past away. But Nimueh was right, it wasn't something that affected his life. Not until he fell into depression and that depression got worse. Not until he realized that it wasn't something that he was going to be able to snap out of right away and even then, he still didn't think that it was a problem. Something that he needed to be treated for. It had became a part of his life. And people have dealt with even greater traumas than himself, without the need of any type of help from a therapist to deal with it. Dr. Alator pointed out to him that even though it became a part of his life, it didn't necessarily mean that he'd gotten over it. Which meant, as his depression had gotten more severe, the fears of what that depression might bring about began to slowly come to the forefront. Especially when he got to the stage where all hope was lost. The loss of hope would have only drawn to one conclusion in his depressed state.

 

Dr. Alator also pointed out that his carefully laid plans was a way to maintain control, because he felt like he didn't have any. He said that the plans were meant to give himself a measure of control, and to hold onto it. The fact that his plans did not work, that he did fall into depression, and that his signs did not work to Merlin showed that there were things in life that were beyond your control. That you couldn't control life in such a way, that circumstances could change things, even if you wished otherwise, and that there was no way to avoid falling into a depression. That there was not always going to be a way to show someone that you loved them and have that love be returned. At least, apparently, not with every person, especially if that person blocked their feelings for you to never be able to see or feel your advances, unless, they were about to lose your friendship leaving you with no alternative but to tell them or to walk away. Granted, it would have worked for anyone else, no one on the planet could deny that one after hearing all of the facts on the matter. However it didn't matter, because it didn't work. And he had to come to grips with the thought that there were some things in life that was beyond his control. That his seven years of heartache and despair and later depression, could have possibly ended, somehow -- differently.

 

Dr. Alator wanted to discuss his feelings for Merlin. He told Dr. Alator exactly what he thought of Merlin and why he fell in love with him. He told Dr. Alator that Merlin was smart, witty, funny, had a dark sense of humour at times, was sexy as hell, and made him feel special. Like he actually mattered. And Merlin could also be sweet, loving in his own way as his best friend, and would be there for him when he needed him to be (until he became depressed that is). And those were the things that he loved Merlin for as a friend. And that didn't even include the way that Merlin would look at him with those ocean-blue eyes, or the way that Merlin would touch him -- kiss him, or the way his body always responded to those touches, to those kisses. Like there was no where else he wanted to be but held in Merlin's arms. Like feeling those hands touching him, and feeling those plump lips touch his, his neck, his skin, and wanting to feel it -- everywhere. No, it didn't include that, and he didn't include the intimate either in his description of how he felt for Merlin. It also didn't include the way that he would give all of himself to Merlin if he could, if he felt he had all of himself, he would. It didn't include that he loved everything about Merlin. That he always had. And he always will. Which is why he always placed Merlin first, even before his own happiness because he didn't want to see Merlin hurt, even by himself in what he had to do, because Merlin mattered to him.

 

He admitted, that it was wrong of him, to set conditions for Merlin, as Dr. Alator had said. He also admitted that he had apologized to Merlin, and on more than one occassion, for not telling him his feelings directly. But in all honesty, Arthur would not have known that Merlin wouldn't have been able to notice the signs. He wouldn't have known that. Especially when everyone else noticed his signs and Merlin needed little signs at all from everyone else. His mistake was the duration, before telling Merlin his feelings just as Dr. Alator stated. And Morgana. Morgana had also told him on several occassions to either tell Merlin his feelings or to move on. It was him. He didn't want to place Merlin in a situation where Merlin would choose him out of obligation or friendship. He didn't want to place Merlin in a position to choose him for the wrong reasons. And yes, he didn't want to be hurt. He had to be honest with himself there too. Of course he didn't want to get hurt! He never loved anyone before romantically, and he'd gone and fell in love with not just anyone, he'd gone a fell in love with a man and that wasn't enough, he'd gone and fell in love with his best friend. The person closest to him, his everything. And Merlin, Merlin was in relationships on and off during the entire seven years with no thought or inkling in ever considering him as someone more. He had no real opportunity where Merlin was free for longer than a month to tell him of his feelings. He wanted Merlin to see it for himself to decide. And he was afraid of being rejected as he had constantly been through his signs and words. The signs were supposed to show whether there was interest, and possibly, a spark. There was none of either. It wasn't fertile ground where admitting his feelings were concerned. And he was afraid. Dr. Alator admitted that it was natural to be afraid, but unnatural to allow it to continue. That he should have either admitted his feelings or chose to move on but not, continue with the signs. Because he was only hurting himself then. Something he was afraid to do anyway. 

 

Dr. Alator pressed again about his and Merlin's break up during their sessions and why he was choosing not to return back to London. Why he was choosing not to face Merlin. And what could Arthur say to answer that? That he wasn't planning on living long enough to return to London -- to face Merlin? Why would he walk back into Merlin's life, moving on or not, only to make an exit that may not affect Merlin on a romantic level, but would certainly affect him on a friendship level? Why would he do that to Merlin? The distance and time would make it easier for Merlin to heal and Merlin deserved better than that. He deserved to be happy. So what did he tell Dr. Alator? He told him that he didn't want to return to London to disrupt everyones lives. That they were finally moving on without him being there, and that they all deserved to be happy, without, worrying about him. Which was the truth. Because his own feelings and what he wanted was irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. Especially since he knew, what he was planning to do next.

 

Dr. Alator asked him about his choosing to place Merlin first during his recovery and he answered him honestly. He said that he knew that the only thing that he was focused on was getting Merlin better and giving him the support that he knew that he needed. That even though Merlin didn't specifically ask for help, he knew that Merlin _needed_ the help from Will. That he knew in his gut that Merlin needed the help. Especially since everyone was taking sides and no one but a few, had come to visit Merlin. He said that he'd seen Merlin, in the dark, alone, and on the verge of getting drunk. He said that he couldn't watch him fall into a depression. That he knows what feeling depressed can do. Because he loved Merlin, and that he would never forgive himself if something were to happen to Merlin that could have been avoided just because he refused to help Merlin, or support him during his hour of need. How could he place himself before Merlin during his hour of need?

 

Dr. Alator asked about his choice in sending Merlin away again. Even with his fear of losing him. Arthur remembered telling Dr. Alator that that was also the reason why he chose to break up with Merlin by making him hate him. First, because he couldn't have broken up with Merlin any other way without Merlin fighting him and winning, especially since he hadn't won a battle with Merlin yet. Not a major one. Second, because he knew that making Merlin hate him would give Merlin the fuel to fight and to not give up on himself. He knows Merlin well enough to know that. Arthur also admitted that he was acting out of pure fear himself in that decision. Because all of his options were gone and there was only a matter of time. He still admitted that Merlin deserved better, that it wouldn't be right if he allowed him to stay knowing his own plans, and knowing that he wasn't going to get better. And when Dr. Alator asked about his secret taking precedent. He stated that he didn't place the secret over Merlin when making that decision. Nor did he place the secret over his love for Merlin either. He did say in all honesty that the _contents_ of that secret was a deciding factor due to his fear. That, and the fact that his father was going to find out soon. And once that happened, there was only a matter of time before he would be institutionalized if, he didn't end his life himself before that happened. He admitted that all of those factors added to his decision in sending Merlin away. Because he loved Merlin too much to put him through that. Dr. Alator told him that he was acting out of fear and that -- sometimes -- when you act out of fear, you tend to make decisions that are not always the best for all concerned. Of course, Dr. Alator wouldn't tell him if he was right or wrong, but he allowed him to see both sides. Dr. Alator also pointed out that when dealing with depression, when you feel hopeless, like all hope is lost, and when you are having suicidal thoughts, that you tend to push away those closest to you. Even, when it's the last thing that you would want to do. 

 

He didn't see himself as pushing Merlin away before the lake-house though. He knew that Morgana was forcing the distance between them to force him to pay more attention to his own recovery, and to reduce the dependency issues that Nimueh diagnosed him with. But in hindsight, maybe he was distancing himself a lot more. Maybe in his heart, to protect himself from getting hurt, especially since he wasn't sure about Merlin's returned feelings at first. And as much as he wanted to hear those words from Merlin, he had a hard time believing those words were true after seven years of signs and declarations without hearing those words at all. He did see himself as needing time though. He needed time to think about the hell that his life had become over those seven years. It wasn't Merlin's fault that it became that way. Merlin may have been the source of his unrequited love but Merlin himself didn't force him to become depressed. The point. Merlin may not have noticed, may not have wanted to notice, just how far he was gone in his own head, because by the time Merlin declared his feelings to him he truly needed to get away to get better. And he tried to tell Merlin so. Even though Merlin was trying to force him to stay anyway. It was the most painful decision he had ever made in his life to go to the resort for help, knowing that he was leaving Merlin behind, after Merlin had finally said the words he'd been waiting to hear for the past seven years, and when he decided to go to New York, without, taking Merlin with him, deciding to send him back to London.

 

Dr. Alator asked if he had any resentment issues towards Merlin. That it would be perfectly natural if he did considering the past seven years of his life, and what he experienced. And the circumstances of it, the point that he would have never known that there were extinuating circumstances for why things happened the way that they had because he had no idea of Merlin's past. Because Merlin didn't trust him enough to tell him about his past over the past thirteen years until Arthur had finally given up and was about to walk away. And even though he and Merlin both withheld things from each other, it was Merlin's secret that had the most impact in their relationship, because having knowledge of it prior could have prevented years of damage. Of heartache, of heartbreak. Because those secrets had enough impact to ruin seven years of his life without having knowledge of those two, crucial pieces of information. Dr. Alator was always sensitive, when discussing this, considering the fact that a big chunk of Merlin's secret was based on keeping Merlin's abuse a secret. There was no denying that fact. There was also no denying the fact that Merlin would have never shared that part of himself, if he didn't think he was about to lose him by withholding that truth any longer. That he didn't trust Arthur enough to tell him. It was issue, that they both had on some level, but Merlin's truth impacted their lives much greater. Dr. Alator wanted to know how he felt about that.

 

Arthur didn't know what to say at the time. He listened to Merlin's reasons for not noticing his love for him. He accepted it. Even though he needed time to process what it meant to him. He couldn't say that he wasn't hurt. That would be a lie. Even to himself. Maybe he felt resentment issues because he was never given the time to process those thoughts. Maybe he felt resentment issues because in addition to not being given the time he was made to feel guilty about his own recovery process when he was being nothing but, supportive of Merlin's. For him, he was made to feel like it was being done to hurt Merlin -- since Merlin didn't understand -- instead of being done as prescribed for him to get better. He didn't know. But it was proof that he was right in asking for time, even though Merlin disagreed with that. Does he wish that Merlin told him the truth about his past? Yes. Does he wish that Merlin was able to see his signs? Yes. Does he wish that he didn't have to spell everything out to Merlin for him to understand because Merlin was intentionally trying not to hear him when it was something that affected their relationship over the past month? When he really needed Merlin to hear him -- to see him? Yes. He wished he didn't have to. He wanted Merlin to be able to see him too. To be able to see his pain. But those were all things that he didn't know about Merlin at the time and fell in love with him anyway. So yes, there are some resentment issues but, does that stop him from loving Merlin? No. And he always told Merlin that his past wouldn't be a deciding factor on what his decision would be for them to be together. And it wasn't like he was trying to control that outcome, or Merlin's decisions for that matter. He told Merlin to think about what he wanted too. Merlin could have chosen once they recovered that they weren't right for each other. That _he_ wasn't right for him. And he would have had to respect that. Because he would then have a final answer. Arthur's chest tightened during his run, Merlin moving on so easily was his _final_ answer. It meant that his feelings weren't as strong as he claimed they were. Arthur couldn't be upset by that. He knew there was every chance that this would be the case. He couldn't fault Merlin for that either. And how could he? It wasn't like he didn't send Merlin away in the first place. His pain, his doubts, were was all on him, and nobody else.

 

Dr. Alator still didn't understand why he wouldn't want to go back to Merlin, at least to confront him if he knew that he was still in love with Merlin. For closure. It always went back to that same question. Even though Arthur didn't understand why his therapy was so heavily placed on Merlin. Like Merlin affected every aspect of his life. And maybe he did, but it wasn't the only things that were affecting him now, and being reminded of Merlin only hurt more, because of how much he missed Merlin and how much he loved him. Nonetheless, Arthur always repeated that Merlin moved on and that Merlin was happy. Merlin's happiness was always something important to him and he couldn't/wouldn't stand in the way of that. He told Dr. Alator that, sometimes... you had to love somebody enough to know when to let them go. And he did. He loved Merlin enough not to want him to see him when he lost everything. When his father came for him, and when he took him away. He left the unsaid when he took his own life out but he made one thing clear. He loved Merlin enough, to want him to be happy.

 

Arthur pondered on those thoughts as he continued his run in the neighborhood before his thoughts moved on to his sister next. She sounded very...odd when he spoke with her last. She told him not to worry about her -- even though he was! -- that she was doing fine, and to focus on his recovery. It was all that she wanted from him to focus on right now. Of this, Arthur was sure. She was the one who saw him when no one else did. She was the one who noticed that he was sick -- even while he lost weight and stayed in Denialville about his declining health, and his love and unreturned feelings for Merlin. Even while he protested the help -- and struggled through it all to get him to see that he needed help. Professional help -- as she came back and forth with words from Nimueh, and what he needed to do to get better if he was refusing treatment. She was the one who tried to convince him that he needed to let Merlin go when his depression started to worsen. She told him if he couldn't tell Merlin, at least to get some resolution, to know that Merlin didn't feel the same way -- as proven by Merlin's ignoring any attempts on his part to show his feelings while accepting everyone else's, or by his lack of care in not seeing anything that was going on with him. Not to mention the many blokes and Merlin's own words that there wasn't anyone that he knew that he wanted in that way leaving no doubt to him that he was included in that -- to help him to be able to move on. She tried to convince him that their relationship wasn't healthy. And she was the one who stood by his side, who continued to encourage him to go to therapy, and was there, when he finally did open up about some of the things that were going on in his head. He knew how worried she was about him. And it broke his heart every time to see it even though he couldn't let go until he did. She may have been wrong about Merlin's returned feelings, but she wasn't wrong at the time, and she was right about many other things. He needed the help. Perhaps if he had gotten it then everything wouldn't have gone to hell in a handbasket. But then again, it would have happened anyway because in order to have gotten the help he would have had to tell Merlin the truth about his love for him (he would have had to feel even more pain). Merlin wouldn't have settled for anything less if he tried to leave their flat to go away for help or if he were to move out. And he definitely didn't have it in him to stand up to Merlin then. He would have had no alternative but to tell Merlin the truth.

 

Arthur tried to keep his breaths even as he continued his run. One day, Morgana wouldn't have to worry about him. There would be no worries about secrets, no more concern needed about treatment, no worries of their father finding out -- everything -- would be better. For everyone concerned. Just because there wasn't any happiness in his own future to see didn't mean that there couldn't be happiness in hers. She was his sister. His rock. And she deserved all of the happiness in the world. Just like Merlin did.

 

But still, she sounded...off. She even... _apologized_ , to _him._ She said that she wanted to apologize, if there was ever a time that she pushed him too far, or too hard. She told him that all she ever wanted to do was to help him, and that was all. She reminded him of how much she loved him, and how she would always be there for him. He tried to press, to see what was the matter, but she told him not to worry about her, to continue to focus on himself. It was the most oddest of conversations and Arthur didn't know what to do or to think about that. What he did know was that he would definitely be calling her again later. She didn't need to be stressed or worried about him when she was so late in her pregnancy. And she definitely didn't have anything to be sorry for. She was only looking out for him. 

 

When he finally made it back to his penthouse he took a nice -- long -- shower as he continued his thoughts. He thought about Dr. Alator again. Dr. Alator kept trying to reassure him that he was getting better but he just couldn't see what Dr. Alator saw. He didn't feel as though he was getting better. He still felt drowned by his own thoughts. Overwhelmed by it. He still felt lost. There was no hope and nothing to live for anymore. Even if Dr. Alator thought there was. They must have been seeing two different things. And how could Dr. Alator know? It wasn't like he could see into his mind. Because if he did, he would see that the only thing that kept hitting the forefront of it now was seeing himself being institutionalized if his father found out and seeing the alternative of nothing, once he took his own life. There was no hope in any of that.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

Arthur finished showering. Taking a towel to run through his hair before using another one to dry himself off. He changed into a blue short-sleeved t-shirt and grey jogging bottoms. He didn't have an appetite for dinner but he forced himself to at least eat a turkey, ham, and cheese sandwich. He was just about to turn on the telly when he heard the doorbell ring making him pause because he wasn't expecting company. But then he thought about Julius, maybe Julius was coming over to finish the rest of the Doctor Who disc collection that they'd started. Arthur didn't know if he wanted company, or if he wanted to continue to be surrounded by his own thoughts instead. He placed the remote back on the coffee table before getting up. If it was Julius at the door he was being very impatient because the door bell rang once more.

 

“Coming,” Arthur called out, before heading to the door. By the time Arthur made it to the door the doorbell had rang three more times and Arthur himself was starting to feel a little impatient. He sighed inwardly to calm his nerves. 

 

“Ju--,” Arthur called out, while opening the door, but stopped mid-word in calling out Julius's name when he saw the person who he thought he'd never see again standing on the opposite side of his door. He felt the blood drain from his face. He felt his heart stop before rapidly picking up again as he croaked out the name of the person that meant the world to him. “Merlin.” 

 

Merlin knew exactly what he had planned to discuss with Arthur, down to the letter. He didn't know what he was expecting to see though -- or feel -- when Arthur opened that door. His heart skipped a beat. “Hello Arthur.” He said, as he shifted from foot to foot nervously.

 

“Uh. What -- how did you know where to find me?” Arthur asked. He wasn't able to read the emotions flitting across Merlin's face. He was expecting to find hatred. He wasn't expecting to see Merlin at all!

 

Merlin smiled softly. “Morgana and I had a heart to heart.” Understatement of the year! Merlin thought, as he paused, while looking around the hallway he was standing in. “May I -- come in?”

 

Arthur swallowed hard, before nodding, and stepping aside to allow Merlin entrance. Like he would really be able to deny Merlin anything. The one that he did deny Merlin still tore him up six months later. He wouldn't be strong enough to stand up to Merlin a second time around and he knew it. Arthur groaned inwardly. Who knows? Maybe Merlin wouldn't push him for anything. Maybe, he was just visiting. Arthur groaned inwardly again while closing the door. Those thoughts sounded lame even in Arthur's mind. Merlin wouldn't have come to New York without a good reason. And he definitely wouldn't be visiting _him_ unless Merlin planned to tell him off for how they'd broken up. 

 

“Would you like something to drink?” Arthur asked, as led Merlin to have a seat on the couch. “A beer perhaps?” He himself certainly needed something a bit more -- stronger.

 

“A beer would be fine.” Merlin answered softly. “Were you -- expecting someone?”

 

Arthur shook his head while getting up.

 

“I only asked because it sounded like you were expecting someone else when you opened up the door.” Merlin countered, with a raised brow.

 

“Julius,” Arthur responded hesitantly. “Julius Borden. He's a... friend of mine that lives downstairs. I thought -- maybe it was him dropping by. He's stopped by a lot since Morgana and Gwaine returned to London, but he didn't say that he was coming by. I only... assumed --” Arthur rambled before stopping himself. Why does he always feel like he's cheating on Merlin?! He doubts very highly that Merlin's _ever_ felt like he was cheating on him! Arthur admonished himself for his thoughts. He shouldn't feel that way. It's just like Morgana tried to tell him. He's done nothing wrong! And it is part of his therapy to have a social life. To gain his own identity, and to become less dependent. He has no reason to feel guilty. And yet, he always manages to make himself feel guilty anyway. Arthur sighed inwardly as he waited for Merlin's response.

 

Merlin nodded, unsure of what he thought about that. He certainly wasn't expecting Arthur to be dating anyone. He knew that Arthur sent Mordred away, but he was pretty certain that Arthur wouldn't be dating anyone else. If he felt anything he would have to be honest in saying that he felt jealous. He was jealous, because it seemed as though everyone else got a chance to be with Arthur while he was sent or blocked away from Arthur's path. Either by Morgana, recovery processes, or by that family pact. He felt jealous. Jealous by the thought that those other men -- or women -- may have had a piece of Arthur that he himself hasn't allowed himself or was allowed to take. And that thought changed his feelings from jealous to possessive. It made him think that he should have fucked Arthur while he had the chance, to make sure that Arthur thought of no one else but him. It made him think that he should have cemented Arthur's feelings for him, because maybe if Arthur had had a good fuck, he would have been able to think clearly instead of making such a foolish decision to leave him in the first place, or to keep things from him. It would have certainly have blocked Morgana's efforts too. Merlin sighed inwardly before he thought about anything else. Because those thoughts weren't very conducive to what he had planned, or for why he was in New York. He couldn't focus on that right now though, because there were more important things at stake than him wanting to stamp his claim of ownership on Arthur. 

 

Like maybe, getting Arthur to trust him on the level that was either burnt between them or a level that Arthur hasn't had to trust him with before. Whatever the case, for whatever the reason, he needed Arthur to confide in him, and it couldn't appear as though he was there to take Arthur's choices away from him for that to happen. Even if he was there to do just that, considering the fact that Arthur's choices weren't making any real sense at the moment. He watched Arthur as he walked to the kitchen. He looked healthier. Even though Merlin was well aware that appearances could be deceiving. Especially if he missed Arthur's falling into a depression and his weight loss for a year and a half. Especially if he failed to notice that Arthur wasn't improving. He was well aware that he would have to learn how to pay more attention to Arthur's visible signs and not, always, the words that he said if he wanted to have a romantic relationship with Arthur. Considering the fact that Arthur kept his inner demons and struggles to himself while only sharing the happier thoughts. Even if Arthur has improved as Morgana stated there still would be times when Arthur would struggle in the area of communication. Merlin sighed inwardly. Arthur did try to tell him things. He was the one who failed to listen. And now...now, he had to try to restore things between them. To realign things between them, to help Arthur in the way that he should have been helped in the first place. They should have been focusing on them both getting help during that month they shared, and not him, and him alone. Maybe if he was more active in showing care about Arthur during that month, instead of focusing on keeping their relationship, Morgana may not have interfered as much in trying to block his and Arthur's interactions. Merlin dismissed the thought. If he didn't fight against Arthur's recovery process he wouldn't have had time to share with Arthur during their month together anyway. He was so deep in his thoughts that he startled when he heard Arthur's footsteps coming closer.

 

“I hope you don't mind,” Arthur said, as he returned from the kitchen, while handing Merlin a beer, glass in hand, “I think I'm going to have something a bit stronger.”

 

I'll bet, Merlin thought to himself. “Knock yourself out.” Was his response. The tension in the room was palpable and Merlin was well aware that he was the cause of it. He wasn't going to allow it to sway him though. He was going to make Arthur speak to him. He needed Arthur to speak to him. Because Arthur may be in love with him, but that didn't necessarily mean that Arthur trusted him. Love and trust were two separate things and you could have one without the other. No one ever said you had to trust the person that you loved or that you had to love the person that you trusted. And trust could be broken without taking away the love and vice versa. Merlin understood that. And how could he not? He loved Arthur as a friend for years but never shared any of his secrets with him. It didn't mean that he loved Arthur any less. It meant that he didn't want Arthur to see him differently. It meant that he wanted Arthur to keep his perception of him. Not that knowing any of this made him hurt any less in knowing that Arthur failed to tell him the truth. Because it did. It only meant that he understood why Arthur wouldn't _want_ to. But now, it was time to hear the entire truth and it was best to hear it from Arthur himself. And if Arthur loved him, like he claimed, then Arthur would tell him the truth. And all of it. He was going to put everything that was said about their relationship to the test in order to accomplish what was coming next.

 

“I didn't know what I was expecting.” Merlin said, as Arthur took a seat beside him. “I wanted to hit you. I wanted to hit you if I ever saw you again. I hated you for a while.” Merlin said quietly as he listened to Arthur gulp. “But then I realized that I could never hate you for long. And then I felt empty, numb, and I kept asking myself why.”

 

Arthur shook his head and was going to speak before Merlin raised a hand to stop him. 

 

“I kept asking myself why.” Merlin repeated. “You kept saying that you wanted me to be happy. That we weren't meant to be. That you wanted me to find the right one for me. As if the right one wasn't you. You _wanted_ me to hate you.”

 

“Merlin --”

 

“I tried to move on with my life you know.” Merlin said, while cutting Arthur off. Knowing that he needed to get the thoughts that plagued his mind and heart off of his chest first before saying anything else. “I dated, I had _sex --_ ” And Merlin was well aware that Arthur flinched beside him -- that he was stabbing him with an invisible knife in the heart -- but he couldn't find it in himself to care. He thought that Arthur deserved every bit of it after everything that he put him through over the past six months. It may have been a bit vindictive, but it made him feel better, to say it anyway. “I had _multiple_ relationships, loads of them. I went back to work, I picked up the pieces, and I attempted to move on -- _without_ you.” Merlin said, while running a hand through his hair. He took a sip of his beer. “But no matter what I did.” He had to be honest. “No matter who I _fucked_. No matter what I tried to do to move on... It still came back to you. Because I still couldn't understand why you left, or why you said the things that you said.”

 

Arthur took down a quarter of the glass of his brandy -- he felt it burn. He needed to feel it burn! -- before responding. “I wanted you to be happy.” He didn't know why Merlin was intentionally trying to hurt him -- to kill him -- but he knew that he deserved every bit of it for hurting Merlin by sending him away. Arthur sighed inwardly. Merlin could do whatever he wanted to do to him. He'd take it, because he deserved it. Maybe if Merlin did say his peace he could heal and it wouldn't affect him once he did what he had to do for himself next. Maybe by closing a door now, Merlin would heal better later.

 

Merlin looked at Arthur in disbelief. “Did you think I would be happy _wondering_ why you left me?”

 

Arthur swallowed, his tone was hoarse as he continued, as he tried to explain. “I thought you would move on. You've always been more more resilient. You bounced back from all of your prior relationships before without a scratch and you --”

 

“I wasn't in love with any of them Arthur!” Merlin's pitch elevated. Arthur recoiled by the sound. “I wasn't in love with any of them.” Merlin said more softer. “And if you say Robert,” Merlin spoke quickly because Arthur was about to open his mouth. “I might just hit you.” And Merlin meant that. “I may have had feelings for Robert but I _never_ loved him. Not -- like I loved you. And not only as a friend, but as something so much more. You have to know that. On some level Arthur.”

 

The first thing Arthur heard was love in the past tense -- wishing he hadn't -- then he replayed the rest. And yes, Arthur wanted to believe what Merlin said about Robert. He knew that Merlin loved him, but he also couldn't deny what he saw with his own two eyes and heard with his own two ears. And what he saw and heard was Merlin going on the rebound when Robert left. What he saw and heard was Merlin tripling his dating efforts and the metropolitan area making visits to their flat. Arthur wasn't going to argue with Merlin though, but he knew for a fact that that breakup did affect him. No matter what Merlin tried to say to refute the facts. But this wasn't about Robert. This was about them. “I'm sorry.” Arthur said, because he was. He had had plenty of time to think about things in therapy. There were things that he was sorry for, and this, was one of them. He never meant to hurt Merlin in any way. He only wanted him to be happy. “I'm sorry,” he repeated.

 

“Can you tell me why?”

 

“Why what?” Arthur asked. Having a distinct feeling of what Merlin was really asking and praying to everything that was holy that he wasn't.

 

Merlin's eyes narrowed at Arthur knowingly. “I want to know why you really broke up with me.”

 

Arthur took down another quarter of his brandy. He sighed. “I wasn't getting any better Merlin.”

 

“And what does that have to do with you dumping me, and in the way that you did it?” 

 

“I wasn't getting better and I didn't want you to see me like that. I wanted you to be happy—”

 

“Arthur!?”

 

Arthur winced inwardly at Merlin's sharp tone. “Yes.”

 

“Did you ever _truly_ love me?”

 

Arthur looked at Merlin in shock. “Of course I did.” His tone was indignant because how in the world could Merlin ever ask him that question when he's done nothing but, show his love to him for all of the years that they've known each other for?

 

“Then tell me the truth.” Merlin said, his tone imploring. Arthur had to trust him. He had to open up to him. It was the only way because it wouldn't make any difference if he told Arthur that he knew everything. Of this Merlin was certain, because it wouldn't change Arthur's trust for him, and he needed Arthur to give it to him that trust, and to give it to him freely. 

 

“Merlin--” Arthur gasped out. “I tried to tell you about my condition before. On more than one occasion. And you didn't _listen_ to me. Either you didn't understand or you didn't want to understand --”

 

“And that was my mistake, Arthur.” Merlin said in frustation. Not for Arthur, but for himself. He knew that Arthur tried and each time he only focused on what mattered to him. But he was listening now. And he was listening during their last week together. He just...wasn't listening during the times that Arthur tried to talk to him before. Even though he heard him.

 

“I wasn't getting better, I didn't want to put you through that. I was a -- mess -- in my own head. I still am. I wanted you to have the chance to have a better life for yourself --”

 

“And you thought that this was your decision to make?” Merlin asked, tone accusing, knowing.

 

It was his life to choose what to do with, Arthur thought to himself. Even though he would never say that out loud. “It was the right decision for me to make for myself at the time. Because I didn't want to hurt you. It was the only option that I had.”

 

“But you didn't give me a chance -- to say what I wanted.”

 

“Because you would have disagreed --” Of this, Arthur was certain.

 

“You're damn right I would have disagreed Arthur!” Merlin shrieked, as Arthur flinched. “You had no right to take that decision away from me!”

 

“We weren't supposed to have been together Merlin --” Arthur tried, before Merlin cut him off.

 

“That's a bullshit excuse Arthur and you know it.” Merlin responded, while shaking his head. “We were already together, the only thing I hadn't done was fuck you to cement the deal and you know it!”

 

Arthur wiped his face suddenly, his eyes were already starting to water because he couldn't deny any of that -- even though he was requesting distance during that time that they were together. Even though Merlin refused it -- but Merlin continued.

 

“You broke up with me because you didn't want to tell me the truth.” Merlin continued, getting to the heart of the matter.

 

“I told you the truth. That was the reason why I was breaking up with you. I wasn't getting better and you deserved better!” Arthur shouted. Because it was the truth in every essence of the word. Merlin may not have had the full details, but the truth summed up to the same reason. He wasn't getting better and he wasn't planning on living through it. Merlin, deserved better!

 

Merlin stood up and started pacing the living room floor. “First off, when you broke up with me, you didn't tell me that you didn't see yourself getting better. You said that we weren't _meant_ to be together. Do you still believe that? Do you not, want to be with me?”

 

“If I am not going to get better --”

 

“Answer the question Arthur!?” Because he had to cut through Arthur's internal excuses for himself first.

 

This was a topic Arthur would never be able to lie to Merlin about. It was why he never mentioned it in his breakup speech because he knew it would crumble all of his efforts. “I wa--want--to be with you,” Arthur managed to get out before adding, “but I am not getting--”

 

“Why, why aren't you getting better Arthur? You look better. Is your therapy not working?” And Merlin already knew the answer to that question, but he wanted to hear it from Arthur. 

 

“Why are you here Merlin?” Arthur asked tiredly, in an effort to deflect the questions, while still needing to know. “Are you here to make me feel horrible? Because it worked. Are you he to make me feel like an arse? Because it worked. Because if that is why you are here --”  


“I'm here for the truth, Arthur!” Merlin shouted.

 

“I'm trying to tell you--”

 

“You are trying to lie to me. You are only telling me the partial truth, but you are not telling me the entire truth. Why don't you start by telling me why everyone has kept the secret of your illness from your father?” Because Merlin could see now that he was going to have to push the truth out of Arthur. 

 

And Arthur knew that he was trying to hide his shudder, but he also knew that Merlin saw it too. “I didn't want him to worry --”

 

Merlin sighed heavily. “Arthur. If you don't start speaking the truth right now than so help me--” 

 

Arthur felt his chest tighten. He had to take a few deep breaths. “If my father were to find out -- he would try to do everything in his power to 'fix it'. Even if _everything_ meant it was against my will.”

 

“Arthur, your father loves you...” He trailed off as Arthur started to shake his head.

 

“He loves me. Yes. But he would do whatever he thought was necessary. And he would take control. In spite of my wishes.” Arthur found himself speaking. His chest still tighening. He started to breathe heavily.

 

“Arthur, you can't know that for certain --”

 

Arthur shook his head in disagreement. “Yes, I do.”

 

“Then tell me --”

 

“Merlin.” Arthur's tone said Merlin's name as a plea. “Please -- don't make me talk about it.”

 

Merlin placed his beer on the coffee table before getting on his knees in front of Arthur. He placed his hands on both sides of Arthur's hips and he looked at him, his kept his expression open. Because he needed Arthur to calm down right the fuck now. He could already see if he kept pushing too hard that Arthur was going to end up having a panic/anxiety attack. He tried another tactic instead. “Arthur, do you love me?”

 

Arthur sucked in a breath. “Yes.”

 

“Do you trust me?” 

 

Arthur nodded. Because he did. He always trusted Merlin. He just didn't think that Merlin would understand his secret if he never understood his condition. He also knew very well that it was a shared secret and the legality issues that could spun from it if he shared. It had nothing to do with trust for Merlin though. He just didn't think Merlin would understand -- that he would take control anyway -- and his secret was meant to be kept a secret. Even though those things didn't seem as important as it did before. Not when Merlin was sitting beside him begging him to tell him the truth, and not when he was never strong enough to stand before Merlin without giving in before.

 

Merlin could see the wheels turning in Arthur's mind. He could see his small window closing. He took Arthur's drink out of his hand, and placed it on the coffee table, before turning back around, and placing both of Arthur's hands in his. “Then tell me -- please.”

 

Arthur thought about Dr. Alator. Thought about what they discussed about him talking to Merlin, about him telling him what was going on with him. He thought about Morgana and just how much she would hurt him if he told, before reminding himself that he wasn't going to be around anyway once his father found out for her to hurt him. He only hoped she would understand. Because he didn't have time to ask, and it wouldn't matter if he did because he knew what her answer would be. But the deciding factor -- for Arthur. Was the look in Merlin's ocean-blue eyes. Those eyes that he loved so much. And that look of openness coming from Merlin. Like he really wanted to know. Like he really cared about what was going on -- with him. It was something that he hadn't seen before in a long time from Merlin. Because Merlin looked like he really wanted to listen. And regardless of what happened between them -- if Merlin was still trying to find out, if he hurt Merlin in any lasting way, he deserved to know why they couldn't be together. He deserved to know that it wasn't anything that he may have done to end things between them. 

 

In the end, with the feeling of a five hundred pound weight on his chest... Arthur told Merlin the truth. Because, just as he suspected, he wasn't strong enough to avoid telling Merlin the truth any longer. And maybe, maybe, he didn't want to. Not if it meant doing so would hurt Merlin again. That would always be a stopper for him. His only limit was what he would need to do if his father found out about his condition. Everything else, Merlin, always had complete control over, and that, apparently, hadn't changed. Arthur wasn't sure if it ever would. He wasn't sure if he wanted it to.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A penny for your thoughts.


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to start off by thanking everyone for sending in such wonderful comments. It continues to encourage and inspire me in writing this story. I hope everyone is still enjoying the journey. If you haven't sent in a review, or if it's been a while, I'd love to hear from you too.
> 
> This chapter is unbeta'd. It's a long one but I've reviewed it several times. If you see anything, please feel free to let me know and I will make the necessary corrections.
> 
> This chapters has triggers for suicidal and depressed thoughts. With everything being said, I hope you enjoy the chapter.

The story sounded much worse coming from Arthur's point of view. Merlin could only assume it was because Arthur was the one who actually had the recurring nightmares and the panic attacks for months as a child, because he feared being institutionalized more than most people feared to swim, or feared natural disasters, death, spiders, etc. It sounded much worse. Because Arthur would rather welcome any other death over being institutionalized by the sounds of it. And as much as Arthur loved Uther, he equally feared him finding out about his condition. It explained why Arthur never wanted to share. He was afraid -- he feared -- and those two things took precedent over any level of trust. Especially when you felt like you were placing your own life on the line by sharing. It was the only thing that Arthur felt he had some control over. And Merlin understood the meaning of fear bacause he himself made a lot of irrational decisions and was outright cruel himself due to not wanting to experience those said fears. The past six months hold nothing, in comparison to the years preceding it. Just because he started to change over the past six months because he felt his emotions again doesn't change that fact. No, it doesn't take away or excuse him from those facts. The damage was done and some of it looks irrevocable.

 

It took a while to get Arthur to calm down after sharing. He had to get his breathing back under control, and he had to stop crying. Once Merlin was finally able to get Arthur to calm down he sent him away to wash up, to calm his nerves, before -- they ended right back where they started facing each other on the couch.

 

“Thank you,” Merlin said with all sincerity.

 

“For what?” Arthur asked, with a raised brow, tone hoarse.

 

“For telling me the truth.”

 

Arthur shook his head while running both of his hands through his head. “I'm sorry. I kept that to myself for so long. If it weren't a secret I would have told you a long time ago” And Arthur knows that as the truth. He rarely kept anything from Merlin in all of their time as friends. “But you were right. You had every right to know the truth --”

 

Merlin felt like an arse for his part in pushing in getting that said truth. He told Arthur his truth as a means to keep him. It wasn't because he decided to tell him or that he was _ever_ going to tell him. There was no honor in his choice. Nothing noble about it. And if he could have gotten around not telling him and still keeping Arthur -- with a better explanation aside from his past, he probably would have. Even if he would like to say otherwise to make himself feel better. It was due to his psychotherapy and Arthur helping him to open up that allowed him to be more open now. And he still did not like to relinquish control which meant he still had his own problem with trusting. But he pushed Arthur anyway to tell him the truth. To make Arthur tell him what he needed to know. He had his reasons. It didn't make him feel any better about it though. 

 

“-- And I'm sorry,” Arthur continued, unaware of Merlin's inner conflict, but needing to get everything out, “I shouldn't have hurt you the way that I did. It was the only way that I could have thought of to do it, and it was the last thing that I ever wanted to do, but I hurt you anyway.” He's had six months to think about the way that it ended. He may have needed to send Merlin away because he didn't see another alternative for himself, but it didn't mean that he didn't regret how he did it any less, nor did it mean that he was happy about having to hurt Merlin to accomplish it. It meant that he had no other way with no other options -- because he saw the walls closing in on him without control of stopping it -- and it was the only way that Merlin would have allowed him to send him away. And as he learned from Dr. Alator, his actions were done out of fear.

 

“Yes, you did,” Merlin responded because there was no way around that one. He was hurt by the breakup.

 

“I should have thought of a better way.” Arthur said, while nodding. Even if there was a better way he didn't see one at the time. The only thing that he saw was not wanting to put Merlin through what was coming next, him getting worse, his father coming closer than before in seeing the truth of his condition, and being institutionalized. He saw no open doors from any directions as the walls continued to close in around him.

 

“The truth would have been nice.” Merlin found himself saying.

 

“Merlin, you wouldn't have --” Arthur tried before Merlin interrupted.

 

“You didn't give me the chance to find out, Arthur. You didn't give me the chance. Just like you didn't give me a chance when you decided not to tell me that you loved me. Just like you decided not to give me the chance by telling me the truth.” Merlin held up a hand to stop Arthur from speaking. “I know that you apologized to me for not telling me your feelings, but the break up Arthur?” Merlin tugged at his hair and sighed tiredly. “I know that you didn't think I would have understood and honestly, I never really gave you any reason to think that I would over that past month by not listening to you when you tried to talk to me. I know that I was too -- wrapped up in my own fears at the time. Too wrapped up in my fear of losing you, my own selfishness in not wanting to lose you, and then there was my jealousy of seeing you with Mordred --” And that was not a name that Merlin wanted to bring up at the moment so he continued. “-- But, at the end, I was trying. I was trying to support you, trying to be there, and you sent me away. You didn't give me a chance--” It may have been too late for Arthur to trust that he would be open to hear considering the fact that he wasn't there to hear Arthur for a very long time and he wasn't paying attention during their month together, but Arthur wasn't exactly open to speak to him at the very end either. Nor was he open to speak to him about the things that was bothering him before his nervous breakdown. Regardless of the validity of the reasons behind Arthur's choices, they had a huge problem with communication, and he himself was not exempt.

 

“I was trying to protect you, Merlin --” Arthur tried to say, while running a hand through his hair, before Merlin interrupted him preventing him from speaking what he needed to say.

 

And this part, Merlin couldn't let go because it was becoming a pattern that he could see behind Arthur's reasoning. And as much as he would like to feel safe and protected by Arthur... if safe and protected meant that he wouldn't be able to know what was going on in Arthur's life... If it meant that Arthur would have to think that he needed to pick up and leave to protect him -- by leaving him -- than they would have to find another way because those things were no longer going to be an option for them if safe and protected meant that. Not while Arthur was so clearly suffering while trying to accomplish it. Not while it made it so easy for himself to turn a blind eye to it to allow it to happen. Because this wasn't something that just happened during their month together, this was something that's been happening for years. If Merlin had to guess he would have to guess for seven years. And yes, Merlin realizes this is partially his fault too. Their entire situation is forcing him to put things into perspective. Especially since he's had a whole six months to think about what the hell happened, while learning that he wasn't very open to seeing Arthur at all over the years. That he basically missed a chunk of Arthur's life. You learn, you see, and eventually... you want to correct. If you can that is. If time allows you the opportunity to make corrections. And there is the struggle because he knows that it is hard to see Arthur in it when he is so clearly thinking about how everything is affecting himself. Merlin sighed inwardly. “But I didn't _ask_ for your protection, Arthur. I never asked for it and it wasn't your decision to take away from me. I deserved to know the truth. Especially if it in someway affected me.”

 

Arthur swallowed tiredly. He was drained. But his apology was sincere. “I'm sorry.” It was the only thing that he could say. Merlin was right. Even Dr. Alator said the same thing -- in so many words -- and he's had time to think about the things that may or may not have been his fault in all of this. And there was no doubt about this one. He should have told Merlin. Even though he couldn't deny his own reasons for why he didn't because those feelings weren't going to change. He still wouldn't want Merlin anywhere around him if his father found out. He still wouldn't want Merlin anywhere around him once he did what he knew was going to have to come next. Those feelings still stayed the same. Even if Merlin didn't want to see that.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

“It was my fault,” Arthur said, guilt-ridden, while nibbling at his bottom lip.

 

Merlin looked at Arthur in disbelief. He told Arthur everything! Everything about his entire discussion with Morgana, and about why he needed Arthur to tell him the truth on his own, and that -- that! -- was the response that he got! Merlin clenched his jaw. “How can _Morgana_ manipulating _you_ , getting you diagnosed with one condition -- without focusing on any of the others, lying to everyone, while making me take the fall be -- your fault?”

 

Arthur took a deep breath. “It _is_ my fault, because she did it for me. She didn't know what my condition was at the time. She couldn't have. Neither of us knew. All she saw was me falling apart over my love for you. I didn't realize how severe my fears were, and all she saw was me -- her brother -- getting worse. If it weren't for me not wanting to tell you about my love for you, or about my depression, none of this would have happened and as a result, because of me, you were blamed for it.”

 

“It was her decision, Arthur --” Merlin chided, before being interrupted.

 

“She made a mistake,” Arthur said in Morgana's defense, “she did what she thought she had to do, but she did it for me. If I was honest with you in the first place... none of this would have happened --”

 

“And you don't think she is responsible for _any_ of this?” Merlin asked incredulously.

 

“I think she made mistakes. We all did. And I definitely dislike what she did to you if she actually attempted to make you take the fall for all of this deliberately. Even though I don't think she did because again, she had no way of knowing how severely my past was beginning to affect my present when I didn't know it myself to tell her. She reminded me of the reason why we had our pact in the first place. And how can I blame her for manipulating me when she was only trying to get me the help. She wouldn't have wanted anything bad to happen to me --”

 

“She was about to let you die, Arthur! --”

 

“And that would have been my choice, and my choice alone.” Arthur said firmly. Because he knew what he was about to do on his own.

 

“It would not be your choice and your choice alone!” Merlin countered as his expression darkened. He was starting to understand why Arthur had no problem taking the blame for everything in order to keep the peace for all else concerned. He maybe accepting his own blame, as he's done before, but he was also attempting to exonerate everyone else in the process.

 

“Merlin --” Arthur pleaded.

 

“No, Arthur, don't even try to plead because I don't think you understand that what you do affects me too whether you like it or not. Do you realize what you would have done to me if you killed yourself? Do you have any idea of how that would have felt to me? Do you think that the money you left me would have made it all better _without_ you there to enjoy it with? --”  


“Merlin --” Arthur tried again before Merlin spoke over him.

 

“Do you know what I've been through during these past several months without you? Not knowing how you were doing, how you were coping, and wondering why in the hell that you broke up with me. Do you know?” Merlin asked, but didn't give Arthur a chance to answer the question as he continued. “I felt like my life was over that's how I felt. I felt like I not only lost the love of my life, but my best friend. I hated you at first.” Arthur flinched again at being reminded of Merlin's earlier words. “Just like I am sure that you wanted me to after your break up speech and it worked. I hated you because there is definitely a thin line between love and hate. I didn't leave the flat for a while and when I did, it was just for my psychotherapy sessions again. Will practically moved in for a while to make sure that I didn't fall into a depression.” Merlin ran a hand through his hair. “It took me a few months but I started to work again and I started to date. And no, you don't get to make me feel bad for dating or for having sex because you dumped me, but it took me months to get back out again, and I was still worried about you. You never left my thoughts, you never left my heart.” Merlin's voice cracked on the second half of that last sentence. “You cut off all communication from me and yes, I know why you did it now, but I didn't know why you did it then. You broke up with me in the cruelest way imaginable just because you were trying to push me away because you couldn't risk sharing your family secret, and you couldn't risk what my response was going to be once you told me. Because you knew that I would have forced you to stand up to your father, and to get the help. Because you didn't trust that I would be there to protect you from your father --”

 

“That is not true –“ Arthur tried, before Merlin cut him off again.

 

“My reasons for you not telling may not be true, but you chose not to tell me because you knew that I would have forced you to get help and the only way around it would have been for you not to tell me the truth, and you chose to hold onto that family pact instead of telling me the truth. And yes, you did put me first -- in your own way -- but you also put me second too because you tried to accomplish everything while still holding on to that secret. And you did all of that while not believing that you were going to survive through this -- thing -- anyway. You thought your father was going to find out so you wanted me out of the way not to hurt me. You thought by the time your father found out I would have moved on with my life and the blow up wouldn't have been as severe. You made a decision for me because somewhere in that thick skull of yours you thought what you were doing was best for all that was concerned and you thought _wrong_.

 

Arthur listened as the tears started to roll down his face again. His chest had started tightening again. It was all his fault. His actions. And his fears. Hurting Merlin. Everything. It would be better if he wasn't there. “I'm sorry,” he choked out.

 

“Don't be sorry, be better,” Merlin said in all seriousness. “We both have a huge communication problem when it comes down to sharing our feelings. The feelings that matter that is. And we choose to make decisions for each other that we think are the best ones when in fact we have no clue if that's the case. You didn't tell me that you were in love with me, you failed to tell me about your aunt, your father, and your fear of being institutionalized. And don't let me get started because I am certain that there are other things like deciding to leave me an inheritance of money behind to have for the rest of my life.”

 

“Merlin,” Arthur called out while rubbing his temples, “why are you here? I thought--” Arthur swallowed. He couldn't take much more. He had everything planned out for what he was going to do next! “I thought -- you moved on, had a relationship, and was -- happy. Why are you in New York? Are you here for some kind of -- closure?”

 

“Arthur,” Merlin sighed heavily, because this is what he was afraid of, “your sister and Gwaine lied to you when they told you that I moved on --”

 

Arthur wasn't following. “But you _were_ moving on, Merlin --”

 

“No,” Merlin said while shaking his head. “No I wasn't Arthur. I was trying to move on, but the only thing that I could think about was you. I knew that you were lying to me about your reasons for dumping me and I knew that you were still in love with me. The only thing that I didn't know was the truth, and I couldn't move on because I never stopped loving you.”

 

Arthur's heart skipped a beat. It was the first time that Merlin said he loved him in the present tense. “But you--”

 

“I _coped_ Arthur! Yes, I had relationships.” He was _not_ about to say that he just ended one. “I don't like being alone for long and the lot encouraged me to date because they didn't want me to grow into a depression. They said something about watching a previous friend fall into a depression, and not, wanting to see a repeat of that.”

 

Arthur had the good grace to look sheepish before going back to his original question. “But I don't understand. Why --”

 

“I came here to take you back to London. To get you the help.” Merlin said, finally laying his cards out on the table.

 

Arthur's eyes widened. “I don't understand. I am getting help. I had Dr. Nimueh and now I'm seeing Dr. Alator. They are working on everything--” Arthur trailed off when Merlin started to shake his head.

 

“Arthur their entire focus is on your relationship with me. And granted, some of your condition is based on your unrequited love, there's no arguing the seven years and the fact that the depression started from that -- of this, we are _all_ in agreement -- but you had other things that prompted from that as well and that's what triggered those same fears of yours in regards to your father finding out about your illness, and your fear of being institutionalized.” And Merlin didn't know that there was a fear of being institutionalized, on record, but did research and found that it really was a condition. A fear. “Morgana should have told your doctor's the truth originally. They would have questioned her if they didn't question you about any relatives living or dead with a history of mental illness. They would have asked about any fears -- anything -- to be able to evaluate your condition properly. Perhaps if she had told the truth at the time, you would have completed your treatment already.”

 

“I told you she didn't know that it was a problem as severe Merlin. There was no way for either of us to know --”

 

“The information would have made the difference in having you properly diagnosed Arthur. Your diagnosis was based on me based on what she put into your head. She tried to keep me away from you. She stated that I was pushing against your recovery --”

 

“You were Merlin!” Arthur had to say. He couldn't think about what Merlin was trying to say about his own sister but of this, he could speak what he did know. “You were both trying to push, but for different reasons. She was pushing for me to focus on getting better and you were pushing for our relationship --”

 

Merlin's hands balled into fists. “But she continued to say that I was standing in the way, and she didn't tell me what was at stake --”

 

“You knew enough, Merlin.” Because it was true. “I told you that I was a mess in my own head. That I was suffering from depression. I told you that I had an eating disorder. And I told you about my suicidal thoughts, and that I had to go away to get help. And on top of that, I just had a nervous breakdown. What part of what I told you didn't constitute as me needing serious help?” Arthur held a hand up to stop Merlin from speaking. “And yes, I was wrong for not telling you the entire truth. Perhaps my diagnosis would have been different, but it still didn't replace the fact that I told you what was wrong with me, and you still accused her anyway of taking me away from you when you knew exactly what was wrong with me! --”

 

Merlin couldn't even answer that question because Arthur was right. There was nothing about that statement that was wrong. He knew full well that he ignored everything that Arthur tried to tell him repeatedly to focus on their relationship. He knew that he pushed, and pushed against Arthur's treatment for his recovery instead of allowing Arthur to get the help like he was prescribed to get. He knew now that things could have been different if he was actually a friend like he was supposed to be too. Instead of trying to push Arthur because he now understood what his feelings were. He maybe wrong, but he wasn't about to admit that, he still wasn't finished with Morgana, and Arthur was being an idiot whether he was right or wrong. “She continued to say all of those negative things about me --”

 

Arthur huffed, because he's heard things from both sides. “You were saying all of those negative things about her too, Merlin. You continued to blame her for taking me away from you --”

 

“She was worse in her slander, Arthur --”

 

“What are you twelve, Merlin?” Arthur asked incredulously. “It's not about who's slander was worse, or who had the bigger bite when you were both doing the same thing to each other, and you both were wrong. It didn't matter if she had more to say than you or if you had more to say than her.”

 

Merlin couldn't believe his ears. “Do you realize that she's been manipulating your thoughts and feelings this entire time?”

 

Arthur didn't want to address that. Not now. He had too much in his mind to deal with as is. “What was she supposed to do? She was trying to get me to move on, Merlin. She saw me going deeper into a depression and not giving up. She was trying to remind me of why I should when I wasn't giving up. But not before she tried to encourage me to tell you about my feelings. She tried, but she was afraid that I wasn't going to get better, and she was afraid of our father finding out. And the things she said, weren't things that was a secret. You didn't show any feelings for me aside from friendship. You were involved in relationships. You did accept other advances with little or no signs at all. And it wasn't looking like you cared for me as you continued to ignore all of my advances. Some of the things she said was some of the same things you've said about yourself. She needed me to see that there was little hope that you would have returned my feelings. In order for me to move on. And yes,” Arthur had to say, now that he was forced to think about it. “She may have highlighted those things, repeated those facts, but not before, she continued to tell me to tell you my feelings or to move on.” But that doesn't mean that his own _sister_ was manipulating him, Arthur added in thought for himself. She wouldn't want to hurt him.  


Merlin had to remind himself that most people -- especially someone like Arthur who thinks he has complete control of that side of himself -- who have been manipulated, rarely realized that they were. Not the real, subtle, manipulation. And especially not while you are suffering a severe depression with your thoughts going all over the place. And most importantly, not when you are being manipulating by your own sister! Merlin groaned inwardly because Arthur would rather blame himself than blame Morgana for any of this. If anyone he would sacrifice it would be himself, if only to not change anyone perception of his sister. Because that's how close they were. That, and the fact that Morgana had been nothing but, supportive to him this entire time. She was the only one, who was supportive to Arthur this entire time and was able to see that there was a problem that needed supporting to begin with. And she didn't even live with him. It was something, Merlin couldn't deny, even if he wanted to, even though he wouldn't say that out loud. At least, not right now. But he couldn't judge Arthur because Arthur hasn't had the proper treatment, and he's been suffering from a severe depression for over two years now. Their mindsets would be completely different. His, solely focused on Arthur because his emotions were unblocked and he wanted to be with Arthur now, verses not wanting to be with him before to protect their friendship. And Arthur, after seven years of hurt, all over the place because he couldn't see past all of his circumstances and he wanted their love to be real. Merlin could see that. Even if he was angry with Arthur for not seeing the truth. 

 

“Oh no.” Arthur said with worry as he rested the back of his head on the back of the couch.

 

“What?” Merlin asked curiously.

 

“Gwaine, I have to talk to him.” Arthur replied while pressing the bridge of his nose.

 

“About?” 

 

“To tell him that it's all my fault. He'll blame Morgana for everything because he was already upset that she withheld the truth of our aunt. She didn't tell him how badly I took our aunt's death only focusing on my aunts death, my fear for if my father found out. She didn't think it was important at the time to say anything else, and she didn't think my fears were something that were causing a problem when she discussed those things with Nimueh at the beginning. She couldn't have.” Arthur said in denial of everything that was said. “She wouldn't have done that to me. She knows how much you mean to me” Arthur said while shaking his head. “She wouldn't have done that. I have to tell him not to blame her for this.”

 

“Arthur --”

 

“No, Merlin. You don't see. He was -- angry at her. I know that he was. Gwaine is like a brother to me and I could see that he hated that she lied to him. He was upset with me keeping a secret from him too, but he was angry at her for being his wife and keeping it from him. And if you said half of the things that you told me you said he would be angry at her for it.”

 

And that comment angered Merlin because he could see exactly what Arthur was trying to do. “Arthur, just shut up.”

 

“Merlin --”

 

“Shut up, Arthur! Don't think I don't see what you are trying to do.”

 

“What am I trying to do, Merlin?” Arthur asked tiredly.

 

“You are trying to make sure that all of the blame for everything falls on you because you don't want anyone else to be blamed and you know that you don't plan to be around for the fallout.”

 

Arthur's eyes widened in shock in realization of why Merlin was really there.

 

And Merlin saw the second that Arthur understood. “Yes, Arthur. I know what you plan to do.”

 

“I don't -- know what you are talking about Merlin.”

 

“You know exactly what I am talking about. Morgana and Gwaine didn't just allow me over for a visit to tell me the truth. They allowed me over for a visit to tell me that they believe that you were planning on committing suicide, and I am not going to let that happen.”

 

“Merlin --”

 

“Arthur, do you think that closing communication from everyone, sending Gwaine and Morgana away, and sending me away will make it any easier for any of us if we lose you?”

 

“Merlin, I'm not --” Arthur started shaking his head, but Merlin cut him off.

 

“You're not what, Arthur? You're not planning on committing suicide if your father finds out about your depression?”

 

Arthur swallowed hard. “It's not what you think?” Arthur tried, it was lame in his own ears. Merlin knew him too well as a friend. He wouldn't be able to lie to him. That was one of the reasons why he sent him away!

 

Merlin shook his head. “I believe that it is exactly what I think. It's the only reason that makes sense for why you were planning on sending me away. You've been in love with me for seven years, Arthur. Seven years. The only reason why you would give up hope on that love is if you weren't planning on being around to be with me.”

 

“Merlin --”

 

“You need help Arthur.”

 

“What --” Arthur hesitated. Afraid of what Merlin was going to say next. “What kind of help?” 

 

“I've been speaking with Dr. Anhora at the hospital. He is one of the best doctor's in the country in the area of depression. I explained to him your case but of course he didn't want to diagnose or suggest anything without seeing you himself. He wants to arrange for you to have an inpatient --”

 

“No.” Arthur said immediately upon hearing inpatient and stood up from the couch while backing away from Merlin. “No.” He repeated.

 

Merlin followed him. “Arthur.” He said gently, afraid he might just spook Arthur from his own penthouse. “You need help.”

 

Arthur kept shaking his head before he backed himself up against the white wall in the living room. “No.” He started shaking his head vigorously. “I can't.”

 

“You can't or you won't?” Merlin asked softly, as he reached Arthur and stood in front of him.

 

“I can't -- I can't.” Arthur repeated. He was visibly shaking.

 

Merlin placed his hands on either sides of Arthur's shoulders. “Arthur, I will be there for you.”

 

“I can't Merlin. Please -- please -- don't make -- . You don't under...stand. You don't...know.” Arthur tried while shaking his head.

 

Merlin swallowed hard. He knew that he was starting to lose Arthur and that he had to start thinking of things to say quickly before Arthur bolted. It was one of the reasons why Merlin did not want to alert Arthur of his arrival. Because Arthur would have had time to think of what to say -- to not be there -- or, to prepare his inner defenses. That, and the fact that he wanted Arthur to tell him the truth on his own. It was it's own test. To see if Arthur would tell him the truth and without, the constant influence of Morgana being around him. It was also a test that reminded him that everyone was right in their assumptions that Arthur would listen to him. That he would give in. And would do as he asked of him to do. But it wouldn't make a bit of difference if he couldn't get Arthur to go to Dr. Anhora, and Arthur really needed the help. Merlin groaned inwardly. “Arthur. You stayed over here because you were giving up. I don't -- want you to give up.”

 

“But you don't understand, Merlin.” Arthur said while shaking his head. Because he doesn't, and it was exactly what Arthur was afraid of. 

 

Merlin raised his hands from Arthur's shoulders and placed them on Arthur's neck to feel his pulse points to see if he his heart was beating too fast -- it was -- and then he leaned into Arthur to calm him down while still keeping his hands where they were. He kissed Arthur's soft skin below his ear. He felt Arthur shiver. “Arthur, do you love me?”

 

“Yes.” Arthur answered without the slightest bit of hesitation.

 

Merlin didn't think he would ever tire of hearing those words. If only he could get Arthur to believe that there was more to live for. He understood the reasons why people wanted to end their lives in statistic form. It wasn't something that was done to hurt loved ones, it was mainly done because the individual felt their life was hopeless. They didn't see an alternative, an end that would be a happy one. They were depressed or unhappy with their lives. And that was just some. He had no right to judge anyone of their choices even if he thought they should consider how badly they would affect those they were leaving behind. But for all Merlin knew, it could have been something considered. It didn't mean that the ones who killed themselves loved their families any less. It would be horrible to say something like that anyway. Especially when he didn't know any better. That's not something that is done to hurt loved ones, even though death seems more severe for those who are left behind. “Do you believe that I love you?” Because Arthur would have to believe that in order for him to trust him.

 

“Yes.” Arthur said, even though his tone was full of pain.

 

Merlin kissed Arthur's jaw. He felt another shiver. “Do you trust that I wouldn't leave you in the hospital?”

 

“Merlin...” Arthur sucked in a breath. “Please --”

 

“Do you trust me when I say that I wouldn't leave you there, Arthur?” Merlin reasked, as he kissed Arthur on the jaw again.

 

“I trust _you_ , but I don't trust that my father --”

 

“Arthur. I will not let anyone stand in the way of your recovery and I will make sure that no one interferes with your leaving but I need for you to trust me. I need your permission and I need your permission for Dr. Anhora to have you admitted --”

 

“Why don't you hate me?” Arthur asked suddenly. “I sent you away. I _hurt_ you.” Maybe Merlin would leave him in there for revenge. He couldn't say he wouldn't deserve it. But he would have to escalate his timetable. He was quite aware that his thoughts weren't exactly normal, that Merlin wouldn't do anything as horrid as leaving him to rot away forever -- if Merlin had a say -- but he hasn't had much control over that for quite some time.

 

Merlin shook his head. “You were also influenced Arthur. You were made to believe that you had no other choices. And you've been suffering from a severe depression for the past two years without proper treatment. Not to mention the delaying of your recovery.” Even if that part was Merlin's fault for pushing Arthur even after Arthur told him no, Merlin left unsaid. It didn't need to be said, they both knew what happened. “The protesting of getting treatment originally. I can't judge you for that. Just like you haven't judged me for the things that I have done due to my condition, only for the things that were not. I am upset. I am hurt. But I could never hate anyone that I love so much.”

 

“I don't understand.” Arthur croaked out. Because he didn't. 

 

“Arthur. I don't think you realize just how much you've done for me over the years. The friend that you've been to me.” Merlin couldn't have asked for a better one. Arthur just needed someone to do for him as Arthur himself has done for everyone else over the years when they needed help. When they came to him, when he saw a need. If Merlin did half of those things, instead of hiding in the sand for so many years... “When I first moved from Ealdor I had no hope of having a better life. I had no reason to believe that I would. You changed that for me. You became my best friend and you gave me more hope, comfort, and security over our time together than I've ever had from anyone else in my entire life. You encouraged me not to give up. You encouraged me to fight. You made me feel like I could do anything, that I could go after my dreams, without limits, and I did. If it weren't for you, I probably would not have believed that I could be a doctor, and a good one at that. You encouraged me to think better of myself. To give Cenred a try. You made me feel special and wanted. Something I probably would have never felt if I hadn't met you. If I only knew you were having some of those same insecurities... I would have been a better friend to you too. I would have given you something else to believe in so you could have given up those idiotic plans of how you wanted your life to end --”

 

“Merlin --”

 

“Do you know? How many lives you have affected? Do you know how much the lot loves you? How much even their children does? Do you realize how many things you have done for them over the years? Do you know how devastated their children would be if they found out that their uncle had given up on his life? That he doesn't believe in it anymore?”

 

“Merlin --” Arthur tried again, he couldn't take it, but Merlin wouldn't relent.

 

“Do you know that your father has been so worried about you that he's been harrassing Lance and Leon and everyone else at Pendragon trying to find out what's been wrong with you?”

 

Arthur shook his head. “No.” And Leon never mentioned it when they spoke.

 

Somehow, learning that did _not_ surprise Merlin. Morgana would have sheltered Arthur from that truth. And she wouldn't have wanted Arthur to worry or to blame himself in any way. She just didn't realize, that in all of her efforts, to protect Arthur, to have him solely focusing on his recovery, she was also feeding into his thoughts that everyone would be okay without him. When the truth was everyone would be anything but. Merlin sighed inwardly. And Arthur thinking that he moved on for all of these months wasn't helping either. It felt like Arthur was really feeling insecure at the moment. And he didn't want to release his plans. No matter how much trust Arthur had, and Merlin could feel it. 

 

He didn't know what he thought about that because he knew it wasn't him. It was so many years of not trusting that his father wouldn't institutionalize him if he found about Arthur falling into depression, and so many years of Morgana not helping him to deal with the feelings of his aunt. In otherwords. The pact -- did not solve the problem, it only added to it. And Merlin did not even want to think about what he did to Arthur over the years himself. It may have been due to his condition -- some of it -- and it may have been due to his fears -- some of it -- and it may have been due to his own selfishness -- some of it -- but it did damage nonetheless. And it affected Arthur. Of this, Merlin was certain. Because if Arthur had fallen in love with anyone else -- anyone else -- his love would have been accepted, and it sure as hell wouldn't have taken seven years for that to happen. Merlin didn't know what to think about that because there would be nothing that he could do to take those seven years back so there was little use to try. The only thing that he could do was get Arthur the help that he needed now to get him better. The right help. Merlin swallowed. “Well your father has. He's been beside himself with worry, and he's been trying to find out what's been wrong with you by nagging anyone who's ever been close to you at Pendragon.”

 

“You don't understand --” Arthur tried, before Merlin interrupted.

 

“No, I don't understand. I know about your pact. I don't know the circumstances involving why your aunt was institutionalized, or your great grandmother, and I don't know if what happened was due to the fact that your aunt needed to stay institutionalized, or if she was left there and inspite of what you may know I doubt you know it all either. Not without speaking to your father about it, Arthur.” 

 

“I can't Merlin. You don't understand. He doesn't know that we overheard that conversation and in my current state... If my father were to find out... about my condition --”

 

“Arthur, calm down. You don't have to think about it now, but you do need to think about it later. There are so many things to live for you and so many people who would be hurt to know if you decided to end your life --”

 

“They would have been able to move on --”

 

“No, Arthur. No we wouldn't. And what about Morgana? How do you think she would take it? She's spent the past two years trying to get you better --”

 

“I am tired, Merlin --” He's was tired. Tired of fighting, tired of trying to hold it all together, tired of trying to prevent his father from finding out. He was tired of the thoughts going around in his head. Tired of being placed in a hopeless situation.

 

“You are not tired Arthur, you're giving up. And I've never known you to be a quitter --”

 

“Merlin! --”

 

“No. You are a quitter and you don't care about fighting, you don't care about anybody else, you only care about yourself and not wanting to be institutionalized --” 

 

“Merlin --”

 

“No, Arthur. You are refusing to listen to me. I've told you everybody would be devastated if you went through with your plans. I told you that your father has been worried about you, I told you that Morgana -- your sister! -- would be devastated, I told you what it would do to me, and you would rather follow through with your plans instead of overcoming your fears.” And Merlin knew that it sounded cruel, that fears were handled differently by the fear, by the individual, that no one knows completely what someone else is dealing with inside, but he needed Arthur to fight. He needed Arthur not to give up.

 

“I don't want to be institutionalized Merlin!” Arthur shouted. _Why can't he understand? Why did Morgana tell him everything if he was coming to make me do this? If anyone understands how much he hated that place and why it would be her?! And what about father? If I'm already there I guess all he will have to do is assume guardianship and through away the key! Arthur thought darkly. And Merlin has no way to stop a Pendragon without any weaknesses, if they are dead set at doing something. And father doesn't have any weaknesses. The only reason why Morgana would have broken their pact, to tell Merlin, when she would have never allowed him to, would be for Gwaine. Not to mention she couldn't possibly be at her game being eight months pregnant. That kind of strain from that discussion must have been hard enough on her as it is. But to break the vow, to go against the one thing that they swore to protect each other from -- And for Merlin to know it all, but still force him to go there anyway -- It felt like the ultimate betrayal because he had no way of fighting it, and everyone was fighting against him._ All of these thoughts and more went through Arthur's mind as he felt himself being backed up and locked into a corner. He tried to move from his place on the wall, but Merlin grabbed his shoulders and slammed him back into the wall again. The impact was so hard his head bounced off of it and for a moment, Arthur thought he saw stars. The pain that shot through would concern him if it weren't for the fact that he couldn't shake the horror of knowing what Merlin was trying to force him to do. He was trying to force him into being locked away -- refusing -- to let him live whatever life he had left in peace. 

 

“And I told you that I wouldn't leave you there Arthur!” Merlin groaned loudly, moving one hand from Arthur's shoulders to tug through his hair roughly. “What was the point Arthur? What was the point of loving me if you weren't even planning on sticking around as soon as the times got rough?” 

 

Arthur's chest tightened. “Merlin,” Arthur tried again, because he didn't ask or plan to fall into a depression. When he fell in love with Merlin he was completely healthy and it wasn't a question on whether or not he was planning on sticking around when things got tough because he would never leave Merlin. But he had no idea that it would take seven years for Merlin to declare his feelings -- after making him feel like he was no one in comparison to all of the other blokes that he dated -- he had no idea that he would have given up before that happened, he had no idea that the constant rejection, and all of the things that happened in between those years would have made him fall into a depression. He had no idea! No one makes a plan for any of that. But of course he couldn't voice any of those feelings because Merlin wasn't giving him a chance to. 

 

“I don't understand. You can beat this Arthur. You are getting better. I know that you can beat this and yet, you are so willing to give up without a fight. You fall into a depression, you see yourself not getting better, and that's it, you've given up. You claim that you love me, but you are so willing to leave me--”

 

“I do love you, Merlin.” Arthur tried again, he meant that with everything in him. This final decision was not a decision fully based on love. He had to try to think rationally for that decision and love didn't allow for rational thought. Not when that love would allow for you to be locked away in a mental institution like his aunt until the day that she died. He had to plan. He had to arrange everything to protect his estate, the protect the family name, and to have it set for everyone to be able to move on without him. He even had to plan how he wanted to end his own life. Merlin wouldn't be able to see that. And for all he knew Merlin could be throwing him into an institution too to lock him away. Even if Arthur didn't want to believe that. Merlin never said that he wanted anything with him. Just that he was still in love with him. And it wasn't like he just gave up. That would be an understatement. It's been over two years of struggling! 

 

“Then prove it Arthur! Prove it. You said that you love me. You claimed that you that did. You claimed that all you've ever wanted is me, but yet you are so willing to give your life --”

 

“You don't know what your asking me --” It was equivalent to Merlin asking him to bring the solar system down to earth in his mind. That's how afraid he was of doing what Merlin was asking of him. That was the magnitude of it. Because Merlin was asking the near impossible and that, had nothing to do with love. Love wouldn't be there for you if you were locked away permanently. His aunt found that out for herself.

 

“I know exactly what I'm asking you, Arthur. I'm asking you to believe in me. I'm asking you to _trust_ me. I'm asking you to think about everyone else instead of yourself and your fears for this one moment. You've done it for as long as I've known you and now, because of your fears, because you are willing to give up on life, you'll willing to put it all aside --”

 

“That's not true --”

 

“Then prove it Arthur.” Merlin was getting frustrated. He knew it would be difficult, he knows exactly what it feels like to face his fears, and he knows that he never wanted to. He knows good and well that he's never actually faced his fears on his own too, that his fears were forced upon him, thrown in his face, and never by choice. He's knows exactly what he is asking Arthur, but he couldn't stop asking him now. Especially when he also knows everything that's at stake. Especially when he knew that he couldn't allow Arthur to give up. Not now. Not ever. “Prove it.” Merlin repeated.

 

“I'm afraid, Merlin.” Maybe if he shared that fact Merlin would let him be. Maybe he was weak, because he was afraid. Because he had a fear, because he suffered from depression, because he wanted to end his life. He supposes he must be selfish, if he wants to end his own life instead of being institutionalized. He supposes that must make him a horrible person to be weak, weak enough to become depressed. To not have control over his life. To have never had control over it it feels at times. 

 

“Then let me protect you this time. You've always been the one who protected me, who watched over me, let me do the same for you.”

 

“Why?” Arthur was having a hard time following. “Why would you do that when there are no guarantees that I am going to --”

 

“Arthur. I am not going to give up on you when you have never given up on me. And we don't need guarantees. I think we've both relied on guarantees for long enough. It's time to trust, and I promise you, I will get you help through this, but I need for you to have faith in me to believe that I will get you through.”

 

Arthur shook his head. “My father, Merlin --”

 

“Let me worry about that, Arthur. You just do this one thing for me. Let Dr. Anhora take care of you, and I promise you, I will take care of everything else.” Even if he had to swallow his pride to get Morgana to help him. He would do it if it meant that Arthur was able to get the right kind of help. Even if he refused to allow her to take control over Arthur again. But he wasn't foolish enough not to admit that he was out of his depths here in the world of Pendragon, and had no idea if anything they said about Uther fighting to assume guardianship over Arthur would be true when he found out about Arthur. The only thing that he knew is that he was going to fight, and that he was going to get Arthur the help he was supposed to have all along. Arthur never gave up on him. He fought to make sure that he got the help he needed. Merlin would do the same. What kind of person would it make him if he didn't? A horrible one Merlin thought to himself. Especially when his track record has proven that he hasn't been doing anything for anyone else for in quite some time. And he definitely didn't do anything for Arthur. Trying to make it right over the past six months doesn't change that fact. Merlin had to shake himself out of his thoughts. It's nothing he can do about the past. He could only live for now. He was startled by his thoughts as Arthur continued.

 

“The hospital --”

 

Merlin nibbled Arthur's bottom lip. He felt Arthur shiver again. He had a moment of possessiveness in wondering if Arthur's body reacted in the same way for Mordred before snapping himself out of it. He had the distinct feeling if Arthur's body did react in that same way, that Arthur would have had more than a hand job with Mordred. He let it go for the moment. Because there was something that Arthur wasn't understanding and he needed to understand. “I love you, Arthur. I will not let anything happen to you, but you have to trust me. You have to believe that I would not do anything to intentionally hurt you. That I will be there for you. You're even going to be in my hospital. I arranged for everything. And that means I will be able to visit you. The lot too. After your evaluation period.” Using the money from the flat account, Merlin mentally added. But now was not the time to share that piece of information. Never, sounded like a better time. “Trust me.”

 

“Merlin --”

 

Merlin could feel himself getting more frustrated. He may have dealt with his fears, but he never planned or contemplated suicide. And when he moved to London. He had Arthur. He couldn't begin to think about the thoughts going on in Arthur's head. He was present for Arthur but he wasn't there for him, not if Arthur didn't feel like he could confide in him. “I need for you to trust me, Arthur. Trust me. All I need to hear is a yes from you, and I will take care of the rest.”

 

Arthur was silent, and Merlin had a feeling that he was losing him again. He had to try another tactic. “Arthur, do you really want to die? Or do you truly just not see that there are no other alternatives for you?”

 

Arthur sucked in a breath. “You wouldn't understand.” He said while shaking his head.

 

Merlin placed his hands on either side of Arthur's face to face Arthur head on. “Try me. Try to make me understand.”

 

That was something Arthur was afraid of. “I'm making the choice that would be taken away from me if I was locked away and I -- can't be locked away.” Arthur wiped the tears that were continuing to fall from his face. “There are no other alternatives when you can be locked away against your will.”

 

But there was one question Arthur neglected to answer and if Merlin learned anything, it was that Arthur tried his best not to lie to him -- refused to even -- and he wouldn't lie to him unless he felt he had no other choice. He also learned that the things that Arthur would omit normally held the key to what he needed himself to fight Arthur. If he only paid attention. Because if Arthur didn't trust any one right now -- Which was understandable if you didn't trust that your own father wouldn't lock you away the moment he learned of his condition -- He certainly wouldn't want to show any weaknesses to his argument to the one person who could pick it apart. “Arthur, do you really want to die?”

 

Arthur tried to push himself away from the wall again but Merlin locked his shoulders in place. He sighed. “I don't want to be locked away.” And Arthur could see himself locked away. In a straight jacket, highly medicated, and given shock treatment. He could see days fly by without a single visitor. He could hear the doctors and other patients laughing at him. He could see himself going crazy in his own thoughts. He could see himself being kept under medication so strong that he would never be lucid enough ever again. He could see the doctor's deeming him mentally insane and unable to socialize in the world again. He could see it. He didn't want to experience it. 

 

“You didn't answer my question Arthur.” Merlin replied easily because he was finally getting some hope. He knew there was another way to get Arthur to listen to him, but he didn't think now would be the time for that. And Merlin never thought he would ever say that but he knew that Arthur needed to want to get better for himself too. Having sex with Arthur would not be the best option at the time even if Merlin was certain that it would work. He needed a long-term solution, and not a short-term one. He needed Arthur to want to get better and to want to live. “Do you want to die?” Do you want to leave me? Was an unasked question but it showed in Merlin's face apparently because Arthur's expression softened.

 

“I don't want to leave you Merlin.” He needed Merlin to know that. “And I don't want to die, but --”

 

“But what, Arthur? You just said that you didn't want to leave me and you don't want to die. Why would you want to give up? Dr. Anhora is one of the best and he is willing to evaluate and treat you. Yes it is an inpatient treatment,” Merlin left the unsaid fact that Dr. Anhora declared Arthur a flight risk for outpatient treatment if he was still planning his own suicide unsaid. Morgana was right. Some secrets were meant to be kept to protect the ones you loved. Just not, all secrets. “But how can you overcome a fear unless you face it? I promise you that you won't be alone. I promise you that there will be visiting hours and we will get to visit you. I promise that I will protect you from your father.” Even if he needed to contact Gaius. Merlin was going to utilize every resource. Gaius owed him. “And I promise you that you will get out. You will even have your own private wing for the big wigs so no one will know who you are aside from the doctors who are sworn under doctor/patient confidentiality, and the patients who you choose to associate yourself with.” Merlin had no doubt that all he needed was to get Arthur to agree, and into that hospital because once he got Arthur there he knew that Dr. Anhora could do the rest. But he also knew that Arthur had to _want_ it for himself and not solely because it was something that he was asking Arthur to do. He would never get better if Arthur was going to accept the help solely for him.

 

“You can't guarantee that, Merlin.” Arthur said tiredly, but he knew that he wasn't strong enough to fight Merlin much longer. He was going to end up in that place and that would be the end. His end.

 

And Merlin so the moment that Arthur was going to close himself off. “Arthur, look at me,” Merlin pleaded, as he took one hand off of Arthur's shoulders to place on Arthur's cheek to turn Arthur's face his way. “What do I have to do to show you that you have everything to live for? What do I have to do to show you that I love you, and that I won't let anything happen to you? What do I have to do to get you to trust me --”

 

“I do trust you, Merlin --”

 

“No, no you don't Arthur. Not if you won't take my word for it when I'm telling you that I won't let anything happen to you -- Do you want to be with me, Arthur?”

 

“That is not a question --”

 

“It is a question Arthur and it has everything to do with your decision because if you wanted to be with me you wouldn't be choosing to leave me --”

 

“That's not why --”

 

“Then prove it. Prove it, Arthur. Prove that you meant everything that you said to me. Prove that you trust me. Prove that you believe that I wouldn't let anything happen to you. Prove that you love me. And prove that you don't want to die. Prove to me that you don't _want_ to give up.”

 

And Arthur didn't know what to say. Because none of his decisions were based on him not loving Merlin. Merlin meant everything to him, but he thought that Merlin would be happy. That he was moving on with his life, and he knew his own time was running out. And he was telling Merlin the truth. He didn't want to die, but he didn't see himself getting better either, and he knew that his father was getting paronoid in wanting to know what was going on with him. It would only be a matter of time before he found out and now, Merlin was asking him to trust him. With his life. When he never trusted anyone with his life before. Not after seeing what could be done when one made the mistake of doing that. And he just learned that the only person who came closest to him placing that trust into was manipulating him, for his own good. What was he supposed to do now? And on top of those thoughts he had to think about the fact that he may have been misdiagnosed, that he may have gotten better sooner. That he could have actually gotten better sooner. 

 

Ending his life seemed so much easier than dealing with everything that was going to come and yet, how could he do it now when Merlin knew the entire truth? And what if Merlin was right? What if he _could_ get better? What if they could be together? It was all he's ever wanted, and even though he had money, prestige, and power. It meant very little without having Merlin in his life. Without his love. And now. It was the only thing out of the entire mess called his life that gave him any inkling of hope, and evidence of meaning. It was like being in the mirky sea waters, unable to see anything before you, and catching the glimpses of a beacon shining from a lighthouse meant to guide you the rest of the way home. Merlin was that beacon for him. Merlin, was considered his home -- his heart -- for a very long time. Arthur didn't know if he was going to be making the mistake of his life, but he did know that if he would do it for anyone, it would be Merlin. He found himself agreeing before conscious thought took over. And he saw Merlin crying in happiness when it did. He didn't know what was going to come, but if he could live again without the thoughts in his head, he would try whatever it was that Merlin was asking him to do. Even if he felt his chest tighten hard as soon as the thought of agreeing to an inpatient stay came to mind. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please keep in mind when commenting that there are people who suffer conditions that are either like or similar to, Merlin and Arthur's characters. A lot of their actions were based on their conditions, of their fears, while some of those actions are them. Be mindful of that when judging characters, when judging their reasons -- nitpicking them, without acknowledgement of their conditions -- because it could be found as offensive or hurtful to someone else. Also please keep in mind, when judging thoughts, that their thoughts are also based on their conditions and fears too, while some of it is them, unless they have recovered. And in those cases, you may still see some prior thoughts because treatment doesn't mean a 100% change where their characters are concerned. It means that they are trying to live, to deal with what they have to deal with to survive, and to be happy. Please keep that in mind while commenting.
> 
> With that being said, a penny for your thoughts.

**Author's Note:**

> Remember, reviews and kudos are very special presents. Thank you in advance for the gift!


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